Loss of an Adult Child

[lolynbo]

YES WE GOT THE FLOORS READY FOR THE CARPET MONDAY..AND SINCE THIS BASEMENT IS REALLY DATED IT FEELS VERY MEDIEVIAL (SP) SO WE ARE GOING TO MAKE IT LIKE A KING/QUEEN KOURT (GET IT KOURTNEY -KOURT)...WE WILL HAVE A CASTLE IN THE CORNER MADE OUT OF WOOD FOR THE LIL ONES TO PLAY IN WHILE THEY ARE GETTING NEW CLOTHES..WE FOUND 4 PARTITIANS (SP) WE CAN USE FOR A DRESSING ROOM...FOR THE LITTLE PRINCESS AND PRINCE....I REALLY THINK IT WILL BE NEAT...

ANDOF COURSE MY HUBBY WILL MAKE THE SIGNS FOR US...HE JUST DONT KNOW IT YET, BUT I BET HE HAS THE FEELING HE WILL...

WELP IM SORE AND TIRED....HOPE EVERYONE HAD A BLESSED DAY...TODAY I HAD A UP DAY....HOPE ALL YALL DID TOO.

NIGHT

KOURT GET IT...LOL

[lostwoher]

hahaha, got it- 'Kourt'! the place is going to be fabulous. dont forget to post pictures as soon as ya can. im sure hubby will do a marvelous job with the sign as we have seen some of his supurb work. is there an opening planned soon?

[mamabets]

For ALL~ First, let me apologize for "disappearing", but I must at times, especially when there seems to be so much sadness....I LOVE you all, and OH, how I want to wave the magic wand....I admire your strength and courage, I am here reading every day and night, and I am so proud to be a part of this group. Truly~

My hubby lost his job, as did my son in law...Our 16 year old litle Heidi passed away, as Sherry told all of you. Thank you so much for remembering our little furry friend. She really was a "person" and our other three are just now starting to really need me to pull it together, so I am trying so very hard. My coping skills, that always operated at a ten before my Danny left, left with him.....

GOD BLESS EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU~ I am with you , by heart, always and forever, and I am slowly feeling like me again...

LOVE

mamabets

xoxoxoxoxo 

[johnnysmama]

Oh Mamabets

I am sooo sorry for the loss of your precious Heidi. I have 2 pugs-one that I say saved my life. My husband bought him for me 1 month after we lost Johnny and he forced me to get up and care for him. They are both my little loves and my only boys now so I understand the closeness and pain you must feel. I am so sorry. I understand what you mean about coping skills now. How much more can we cope with? Somehow we put one foot in front of the other. I have decided we parents that have lost their children are the strongest and wisest on this earth.

 

 I am also sorry for the loss of jobs for your family. So much to cope with for you. I will keep you all in my prayers. You have helped so many here (me) with your kindness and wisdom. I hope we can help you somehow. I was very glad to see your post.

 

Take care and BIG hugs to you,

Love, Kay

[4everjoeysmom]

Bets, I'm so happy to see your post. Thanks for taking time to do that so we could see your picture and know that you are, though having a tough time, coming back slowly. I'm sorry to hear about the job losses and pray that provision will come to you as your family seeks to find their way. Blessings, Claudia

Hey everyone that would like to add a not to your box! Please send me your notes, pictures or cards electronically by writing in Word or scanning and e-mailing to Clab2010@yahoo.com. This way I can receive them in time. Snail mail is ridiculous. Also, those that don't arrive in Spanish, I can do a quick online translation before printing. Hope that's OK. It's the best way I know how to accomplish all of this with such a short time left. Thanks all! Love, Claudia

[daniellemom]

Bets,

I was so glad to see your post.  Sorry about the job loss in your family.  My prayers are with you.

Kay,

So sorry about you having to have two trees.  I think Dee is right about it being almost normal for you and your husband to grief so differently.  That's the way it is in my house to.  We are putting up the tree this weekend but in the living room where we really don't go to offer.  But Miss Mattie will love it!  Thinking of you always. 

Sonya

 

[lolynbo]

I SOOOO UNDERSTAND  THE "DOG" THING...THEY ARE NOT DOGS, THEY ARE MY LIL LIFE SVERS....WE HAD PIXIELU UP AT THE NURSING HOME WITH KOURTNEY SHE HELPED MANY PPL HAVE A SPECIAL DAY SPECIALLY KOURTNEY, SHE WOULD LITERALLY PET HER..LIKE A MESSAGE PET..BUT SHE NEW IT WAS HER SISTER...WHEN I THINK OF IT I ALMOST CRY BECAUSE IT WAS SO TOUCHING...AND PIXIE LU FELT IT, SHE KNEW SHE WAS HELPING SISSY..I HAVE A PIC OF IT I WILL TRY TO POST...BUT IT IS SUCH A PAINFUL PIC TO SEE...BUT MAYBE I NEED TOO..WE WENT THROUGH HELL...BUT IT WAS HER LIFE...AND I WOULDNT HAVE MISSED IT..

 

SHE JUST WASNT OUR KOURTNEY ANYMORE...THIS IS NOT TO LONG BEFORE GOD TOOK HER HOME, SHE WAS TIRED..SO READY TO BE WITH JESUS,,,I SEE IT NOW

 

BOY THATS A RUFF ONE TOO SEE....SOMETIMES MY COMPUTER JUST RANDOMLY PLAYS MY PICS...AND THIS ONE SEEMS TO BE ALWAYS ON THERE WHEN I WALK BY..

[4everjoeysmom]

Lorri, Bless your heart, ans sweet little Pixielu for being such sources of comfort for your precious girl, Kourtney. I can see how this photo must rip your heart out every time you see it. It ripped at mine... I see how Pixielu was lying inside of Kourtney's legs, at the bent knee. My Shih-tzu JoJo does that all the time too. He loves that spot. I can only imagine how much Kourtney must have been comforted by her furry best friend.

Does that little pink poster on the wall in the background say "I can do all things in Christ (who strengthens me)"...?I can only read the I can do all things part, because the chair is covering the rest.

Thanks for sharing so boldly, even though it hurts. Hugs, Claudia

[lolynbo]

YES WE HAD SCRIPTURE ALL OVER THE ROOM AND THATS WHAT THAT ONE SAYS..

MAYBE I SHOULDNT HAVE PUT THAT PIC ON THERE..BUT ITS PART OF MY BABIES LIFE...I JUST MISS HER  SO MUCH:(

[johnnysmama]

Lorri

Do not apologize for sharing anything here. We are here for you through it all. It is a heart wrenching pic-the poor baby. But the dog's face is- I love her no matter what. They love so unconditionally-just as we do each other here. All your pictures show me such a loved girl. Thank you for sharing that piece of your heart.

Take care,

Hugs, Kay

[ericasmom]

Lorri,

so amazing what a photo conveys...my heart to you as you look at this photo and share it with us, thank you for sharing this poignant moment in the life of your beautiful DAUGHTER.The Pooch is there for her in that way that pets are, knowing he/she was needed and knowing what devotion truly feels like.

I dreamed last night about Stormy and Bullet, our cats that have been gone now for 1.5 years. How devoted STorm was to ERi, always there when she came home sick from school, no matter how many blocks away he may have been, his radar into his Girl was amazing, and he would show up at the door soon after she did.

I started the day off rather high spirited and came home from a walk feeling so blue, though I do not know why or what happened. Maybe the moon? Maybe all of the decorations on the towns' homes, I don't know. I feel sort of like a wet dishrag, but I don't even know why...oh well, perhaps there is something I need to do. Until  later, a good day to all.

[daveydow1]

Lynn,.......Beautiful video of your dear, lovely daughter.

Dee,

Oh, how well I understand your blue feelings. I was at a family "tea"

that we have each year, yesterday.  I was there, but my heart just

was not in it.  When I came home, my husband had gotten the Xmas

tree out of storage and set it up.  Today, I made a half-hearted attempt

at decorating it. Doesn't look that great, but again---my heart just wasn't

in it. Sometimes I wish the holidays were just over, and I could settle down

into a nice solitary  January & February.  Sorry, I don't mean to be a "wet Blanket".

                              Daveysmom,   Sherry    

[johnnysmama]

Sherry

You are not a wet blanket-I feel as you do. I feel proud that we do what we can do. Be proud of yourself you went to the tea. Be proud you are trying to participate in life as I know Davey is proud that you are.

 

Dee

Understand how you feel-it is like too much gaiety into our lives does not work for us now.

 

 

Everyone

Do not forget to light a candle at 7pm today in memory of your child-so their light shines on forever...

 

Love ya all

Kay

[daveydow1]

Kay,

  Thanks for your kind words. I think this time of year with all of the

holidays is particularly difficult. We all miss our kids so badly, and there

are constant reminders of their absence, and the "empty chair" that is

so very heartbreaking----(as if we were not already heartbroken as it is).

I know we will all get through it somehow, but  Oh, all the sorrow that

clings to our hearts as we see the 'rest of the world' go by. Sometimes

I feel almost like I am invisible.  BI is the place for me---where I can say

how I feel and what's in my heart, without feeling like a "burden" to others.

Bless everyone here at BI and may we all be lifted up by the spirits of our

sweet, dear children in heaven.

                                             Sherry

   

[ericasmom]

Thanks Kay and Sherri,

I feel better today, though still rather reclusive and that feels just right. The wind which has been howling up to 45mph all day is a fitting sound to my howling spirit. I watched a movie this mrning as I sat to have coffee. I turned on IFC, my favorite for the unusual movies, and there was MAY FOOLS, a french film. It was a delightfully funny movie about a family in france trying to balance propriety with gayity. I love what the gentleman said in the end which was a quote from Voltaire...I am going to be happy from now on because it is good for my health.

Ilove that quote, not because it is easy or automatic to be happy, but because sometimes we need to allow ourselves quick moments of joy or happiness, guilt free, and those little moments go a long way to helping us be healthy. What makes us happy now may be quite different from days beofore our loss. finding what makes our hearts feel lighter...perhaps that is a good new years resolution, to actively search for activities or events or hobbies that assist the heart.

My candle will surely be lit, and I take joy in knowing that we are one spark of a world of light, our flame is named ERICA.

[lostwoher]

Its 7:06pm and my candle is lit and proudly displayed next to the wreath made for Kayla.

May all your candles shine as brightly as our children. Love ALL!

Here is your candle my beautiful daughter. Love and Hugs. Missing you deeply. R.I.P.

[ericasmom]

Dear Lynn, and Everyone,

My candles is lit as well as the winds sound like the fury of a hurricaine. Eri loves the wind. I lit four candles, one for her old bedroom window, the kitchen, two flanking our living room. Glowing in her absence...because she insists on it, because she needs to know that in her light, we find new life.

I spoke with Michael, he is lighting a candle now as well, a bit tearful but grateful I think, to feel a part of something bigger than us.

Peace in this time,

Dee

[lolynbo]

WE WENT TO OUR FIRST CANDLE LIGHTING STARTED OUT AT 76' ENDED UP 39' AND IT BLEW IN QUICK..

A NURSE (REGAN) THAT HAD KOURTNEY FROM DAY ONE IN ICU AT OU CAME (DROVE AN HOUR AN AHALF) AND READ HER STORY OF MEETING KOURTNEY AND HOW KOURTNEY CHANGED HER LIFE AS A NURSE...REGAN IS NOW FAMILY...(YES IT WAS A LONG STORY AND IT WAS COLD BUT WHAT ELSE CAN WE DO FOR OUR KIDS)

IT WENT WELL AND IT WAS A GOOD TURN OUT....JUST SAD THAT SO MANY PPL ARE IN THIS CLUB..AND THE NEW FACES..INCLUDING OURS..

HOPE EVERYONE HAS A BLESSED EVENING...WITH LIGHTS LITE GOODNIGHT:(

[mikesmum]

Candles to light the way for those still with us in our hearts.......

The love never ends.......

[ericasmom]

Right on Trudi, never ceasing,

Love to you,

dee

[cameronsmom1]

To all:

I could really use some advice on something. Here lately I have noticed one of the main things that has changed about me. There is good and bad out of this change. The good is that I don't take people for granted anymore because I know we are not promised tomorrow. The bad is I don't trust anyone with my life, my sons life, my husbands life, etc...Since I have gone through this loss and read of so many other types of loss I am so paranoid of what could happen. I have trouble saying goodbye to people without getting emotional because all I think inside is it could be the last time I see them. I don't even want to let my son go anywhere with anyone because I don't want to deal with not only risking losing my son but if something were to happen while he was with them then they would have so much guilt and added on to that I would resent them so much. Then I would have to deal with two losses.  I know that this isn't fair to everyone but I can't help but to feel this way. My mom is getting upset because I had told her that my son could go stay with her after christmas until he has to go back to school but i've changed my mind because I don't think I could handle him being that far away for that long. I would be panicking the whole time. She tells me, you know i'm not going to let something happen to him your not going to ever lose him. But how can she say that. I know that she wouldn't purposely let something happen to him but there is no guarentee I will never lose him. She just doesn't understand what I am feeling. I don't want to lose someone else and so I am going to have this protective sheild as long as I can. I'm going to hold the ones I love close to me for as long as I can. Am I wrong for this? I want my mom to be able to see him but i'm so scared of what could happen. Please help me through this.

Amanda 

[daniellemom]

Lorri,

Your picture of Kourtney and her pooch is very touching.

Sherry,

You are never a wet blanket.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all as we all try to find our way through the Christmas season.

Kay,

How are the plans for your trip coming along?

Sonya

[shorty16]

Cameronsmom1

How old is your son?  I am assuming he is younger.  I have 2 other children and as far as my 15 year-old goes, I can totally relate to how you feel.  However, my 15 year old cannot live in the shadow of his big brother's mistakes.  Aaron is his own person.  Aaron and I keep in touch via phone all the time (thank goodness for text-messaging).  That makes me more comfortable.  Plus, I have had a real heart-to-heart with Aaron.  We told him that he cannot fall into the same traps of peer-pressure that his big-brother did.  I also have many "spies" at the high school that tell me Aaron's every move.  That poor kid cannot sneeze without me knowing.  

I totally understand how you feel and so should your mother.  If she wants to see your son, invite her over to your house for a couple of days. 

I can and will not tell you whether you are right or wrong, this is how you feel and with what you have been through, you can feel anyway you want.  Perhaps as time goes on you will learn to trust your son's decisions and trust others close to you, but right now you are not there and that is OK! 

Your son with start to spread his wingers on his own - until that time, you can discuss with your husband how to proceed - do what you want.

Colleen  Brian's Mother forever.

[lolynbo]

I HAVE NOTICED THAT I HAVE VERY LITTLE PATIENTS (SP)..S LIKE I CANT STAND STUPID OR RUDE PPL.  WE WERE AT A REST LAST NIGHT EATING AND THE SURVER KEPT PUTTING THINGS INFRONT OF ME....I JUST ABOUT LOST IT..AND IM USUALLY PRETTY QUIET AND PATIENT...BUT YOU CAN ONLY HANDLE SO MUCH STUPID AND THE POOR PITTIFUL ME CRAP...UNLESS THEY'VE BEEN THROUGH WHAT WE HAVE...(HERE ON BI)...I HOPE I DONT BLOW MY TOP AND HURT SOMEONE...IM TRYING NOT TO....

TODAY IS FREAKING COLD AND IM SOOOOOOO DOWN I GUESS IM OFF ANOTHER HIGH...(THE CANDLELIGHTING IS OVER NOW WHAT DO I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO?) MY MOM KINDA MADE ME MAD AT HE LIGHTING LAST NIGHT...SHE WAS READY TO GO IN ABOUT 20 MIN CUZ IT WAS COLD...."HEY WERE HERE BECAUSE YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER IS DEAD..." AND IF YOU RUN HOME TO GET WARM SHE IS STILL DEAD......LIKE I SAID WHAT ELSE DO WE HAVE TO GIVE OUR BABIES EXCEPT TIME AND MEMORIES???

SORRY DONE BELLY ACHEN FOR NOW...

[cameronsmom1]

Colleen,

My son is 4 years old. I know that once he is old enough he will be able to make his own decisions and I think I will be ok with that but right now I want to be the one making decisions for him. I can't trust anyone else to right now. Once he is old enough to have a cell phone I think I will be a little more open to him going places with other people. I have invited my mom over. We are actually doing christmas at my house since I just bought a new one. She will be staying Christmas eve night and probably leaving Christmas day. She lives 3 hours away. If she lived right here in town I think I would be ok with it but 3 hours away is too much. I have talked to my husband and he feels the same way. We have not only lost our son due to stillbirth but my first son, Camerons dad has given us so much problems like trying to run off with Cameron and just stuff like that to where we have to constantly watch our backs anywhere we go. It's hard to trust anyone else with him. Thanks for responding.

Amanda

[mpsmom]

Amanda, I think that what you are feeling is perfectly normal and acceptable, at this time in your life.  When I can't reach my husband on his cell phone, I freak out now.  My daughter was late for curfew when i started calling her ( she had never ever been late) so when i couldnt reach her, I was worried and mad all at the same time, as the minutes went by, i started to be really worried, when i went to the police station to file a missing persons report, she was only 1 hour and 15 minutes late, but she had been 'gone' for and hour and a half, the hospital did not know how to reach me, I found her---- they did not find me.  So when my husbands phone turns itself to silent and I cant reach him, my mind goes to the worst right away.............I know this is a natural feeling under the circumstances.  If I had another child, especially a 4 year old, I would be terriefied of letting them out of my sight...As long as you dont make him afraid of 'what might happen' I think you are doing the right thing, have your mom come visit whenver she wants. 

Warm hugs,

Marcia

Bethany's Mom

[ericasmom]

Amaanda, while I do not want to tell you right or wrong either, because there is no wrong, we do what we feel is right under the circumstances. I do think however, that you cannot wait until your Son is able to have a cell phone to trust the world he lives in...by then he will not trust the world and there will be no need for a cell. Have you given thought to therapy to help you find ways to give some of this panic up? I had it, still fall into it at times and that is when I call my therapist up and ask her to please see me for a bit until I feel steady again. I worry about my Son quite a lot, but my worry would drive him nuts, and it almost drove me nuts so I suggest therapy. What you are feeling is very normal for an abnormal situation, and with the added issues with the DAD, you have extra things stimulating your worry piece. I would say that maybe you and your Boy could drive to Grandmas and spend a few days to change the scenery, to give you some relax time while Grandma does stuff with him and you stay back and read if you are able to let that happen. If you are not able to let that happen, then go along, and that is fine, you simply are not comfortable yet. One day you will be, but without a bit of help, it may not happen as it could. We can no more control the lives of our living children than we could change the weather today. We simply do not have that control, and while we feel we are in charge, really we are not. If we were, none of us would need a place such as this. Life happens, an for the most part it is good, but we have gathered in a place that shows that other side...the side that defy the odds. I hope that you will reach out and work one on one with someone that can put a new perspective on things, and I hope that your Mom can cut you some slack. Remember too, hormones are adjusting, which adds to this confusion.

Peace to you,

Dee

[cameronsmom1]

Marcia,

Thanks so much. It really helps to know this is normal. I don't think he really understands the circ**stances but he does have a lot of questions. I try to answer them the best I can and I don't lie to him, i'm straightforward with my answers because I don't want him to be confused about it later. I also try my best to make sure he is strong and able to cope with things that come his way because I don't want him to fall apart each time something bad happens. I hope that he grows up not afraid of anything but I also hope he is smart enough to know things that would be too much of a risk. But boys will be boys. Thanks again!

Amanda

[cameronsmom1]

Dee,

I have actually thought about therapy. I haven't gone for about two months now and I think losing my friend in the car wreck made my worries even worse. I do know that I can't live my life worrying because I will never enjoy life that way. But it is just so hard to get past the what ifs. I just don't know what I would do if I lost my other son. But as usual you have made a really great point. I do like the idea of just going down there with him it's just so hard with my husbands hours and my work and school hours. It's so easy to talk yourself out of having to drive 3 hours too. But I am going to work on it. Thank you for all the help.

Amanda

[daniellemom]

Amanda,

I think Dee gave some very good advise about taking some time to go visit your Mom with your son. I do understand how hard it is to let them do anything. When James does not call once it gets to where he is going, I about loss my mind, (if I hadn't already lost it LOL). Right now do what you feel is right for you and your family. In time you will feel right about letting him go.

Sonya

[4everjoeysmom]

Amanda, While I agree with everyone that there is a certain season of worry, being over-protective and overly cautious--aka paranoid--there needs to come a season of a healthier perspective that will allow you to be free from the panic and paranoia and allow your surviving child(ren) to live their lives as well. Therapy is a very good idea if this panic continue to manifest more intensely and/or if it continues to any significant length of time. I understand your son is only 4. He is very young, and there is nothing wrong with keeping him close. But as he continues to grow, he is going to need a healthy balance of "tucking him under your wing" but also "allowing home to spread his wings and learn to fly". To stifle and stunt his life because of deep fear and/or paranoia would be a terrible thing for him.

I've always believed that no matter at what age, our lives are predestined with a purpose and a length--however long or short. When it is one's time to go, it will happen regardless of what we are doing, where we are, or how much we try to avoid living for fear of dying. If we aren't put in a car, it could be a number of things in the home that can happen to bring tragic loss. To allow that kind of fear to grip us keeps us from living with any kind of meaning or purpose. We all understand the fears and the natural thought processes that come along with losing a child. But at some point we have to allow our loved ones to live too, even if we are having trouble living in the way that we used to. To allow them the space and ability to live is truly loving them. To hold them too tightly fulfills only our selfish need and can cause our loved ones to become frustrated or resentful toward us, no matter how much we try to explain why we are being this way. We could say I would rather them be safe and to resent me, but what kind of life is that for anyone, truly? We may as well lock them in a closet, because it will feel like that to them after a while--especially our children who reach an age where they need to test the waters for themselves. We can impart wisdom, but they are like babes in the wild too, with a sense of exploration and a desire for freedom. To stifle that beyond instilling good common sense and values, we could be setting them up for some kind of paranoid, dysfunctional adulthood, the least being co-dependent.

Like I said, your son is young and there is time to sort through your fears and feelings in a way that may not affect him gravely at this point. But do please consider seeking some counseling for your fears if the persist or intensify, for your sake, for your son's sake, and for all of those whom you love. Blessings, Claudia

[mikesmum]

Amanda - Like Dee says, a normal reaction to an abnormal set of circ**stance.

Early after losing Mike I went from being a confident Granma/mum to second guessing everything.  I worried about having the grandbabies for fear I might miss something, they might be hurt or worse.  It carried on to my surviving children.   Healthy, fit and 30yrs old Steve had surgery to remove his appendix.  My heart stopped from the time he went in, till I heard his voice.  My therapist helped me understand this heightened awareness and feeling of impending doom was "normal' after losing a child.

As parents we believe we are there to protect and save our children from all.  When we lose a child that belief system is shattered, rippling throughout our entire existence.  

Speak with a therapist about what you are feeling, the different perspective can help alot.  A gently gently approach to letting your boy stay with his grandmum might ease your fears. A phone call, a timeframe that sits well with you both can also eliviate you fears. 

Claudia is right too.  Its hard, but see your boy thrive and grow there needs to be balance. 

I wish you luck with this one.....its never going to be easy.

Trudi

[lolynbo]

WANTED TO SHOW YOU MY DAUGHTER KIMBERLY...SHE IS SO STRONGE...

SHE WILL BE 25 THE 21ST OF DEC..

[summergirl]

Hello to all - first pf all I am very sad!!! I totally missed the candle lighting!! Barry and I went Christmas shopping from 9am to 7pm and was so very tired when we got home that all I did was hide things in the closet and went to bed - how could I have forgotten something so important!!! I am so sorry my Jessica - tears.

Lynn - the 4 month Angel date - my heart cries for you - we all understand the sobbing out of control - hold tight my friend - we are here.

Claudi - spending time in the rainforest with the girls - no decorations - just talking, sharing and of course eating - sounds like a wonderful plan to me - lets definitly consider it.

Lana - I am so sorry for missing Brent's birthday and celebration - I seem to be losing track of all things lately and it hurts me when I "forget" something so important to one of us here at BI - thinking of you and praying that you find peace.

Amanda - wow, you said it - I too am a crazy woman when it comes to my family and friends but especially with Tavian. If he says he doesn't feel well then we are off to the doctors - I am sure by now she thinks I am the one who is sick (in the head) as there is usually nothing wrong with him - I just get so scared that I might miss something or something will happen to him if I do not get him to the doctors. When I hear a call over the fire radio for an ambulance for someone hurt on a job my mind automatically goes to "where is my husband today" - he is an electrician so can be many places in one day or at the office all day - so I call him and make sure. It is very diffacult when Tavian goes with his other grandmother as I think of a thousand things that could happen while I am here and he there - I worry the whole time!! I hope it is something that one day we can both get better about but no idea when.

mamabets - your poor sweet thing - it is ok to dissappear for awhile when there seems to be so much maddness in our lives. Losing you wonderful doggie is enough to turn your world upside down - I know when we lost Kaylie it was so heartbreaking not the have her waiting at the door when I got home. I miss her hugs and kisses when my tears fall.  God Bless you my friend and take that one step at a time - we are here.     By the way, if you find that "Magic Wand" would you please wave it a little for me!!!

Well, tonight we decorated outside - two spiral christmas trees and a snowman and lights on my wishing well - not quite in the spirit but Tavian was so excited - we had to stand back by the road so we could see what it looks like to the cars driving by!! Then we put the tree in the house and will let it settle over night and tomorrow night is decorating time - we will be using all of the decotations Jessica bought her last christmas with us - again not in the spirit but our Tavian is so very happy.  Tonight he suprised Barry and I - we were getting ready to go outside to do the decorations and he suddenly began to sob and threw himself in pop-pop's arms and said "we are never going to have Christmas with mommy again" - I just stood there with tears streaming down my face as I watched and listened to my husband talk to Tavian and take his fears away - it was so heartbreaking yet beautiful at the same time!!!

It was a good and productive weekend for my husband and I - we did some serious talking and one of the things he finally told me so suprised me and you realize how you can not see how someone feels unless they talk to you. I wear my Jessica's favorite perfume every now and then as when I put it on I feel as though she is hugging me - well - it really upsets my husband and he finally told me!!!  I told him I would not do it again but every now and then when I have alone time I will - it was so good to hear him say something like that to me - how would I have known if he didnot communicate!!  So hopefully we are headed down the "communication road".

Lorri - so glad for the carpet and I will keep you in my prayers that all comes as needed. Your daughter is beautiful. I am glad that you posted the pic of Kourtney in the hospital bed with her doggie - opens up my eyes to see what it was like for those who had to watch and let their child go - my tears fall for you my friend.

Tired, lonely and sad tonight so am going to bed and read until I fall asleep.

Prayers, hugs and love to all - Kathy

 

[cameronsmom1]

I just wanted to say thank you for all the responses I got. All of them so true and so helpful. It is so much easier for me to just worry then to just accept that I am not superwoman and cannot stop whatever is planned for my life or my family. I am so lucky to have you all. Thanks again!

Kathy, I too hope we can find our way past this and learn that we cannot control everything that happens in our life. Although it would be nice to be able to! LOL

Amanda

[ericasmom]

LOrri, the girls share the same smile don't they? So pretty, and the strength sounds like it comes from you and your husband, creating a strong family.

Kathy, forgetting things is once again a symptom of juggling many things, all of them emotional for you lately. Jess knows that you have a candle burning in your heart each and every minute...we all know this. As to Barry and you, I am glad that there is some movement as to why he has been distant. Good for you for pursuing this, but remember that you are expending a great deal of energy on the boys in your life, so give yourself a break will ya? Give yourself the break that you would advise one of us to give ourselves if we were going through the things that you are right now. There!

Betts, it was good to see that you are alright, knowing that you are sad and feeling lonely but alright. I willpray that you feel the love of your sweet little pup as you go to sleep tonight, that somehow, you feel a spring in your step tomorrow.

Remember Everyone, be kind to yourselves, do for yourself as you would want each of us to do for ourselves. We are not supermoms/dads, we are humans who have had to deal with super sadness, and we need to be gentle with our spirits.

Peace in this time,

Dee

[cameronsmom1]

Here is another great poem I read!

[align=center]My Mom Is A Survivor

My Mom is a survivor,

or so I've heard it said.

But I can hear her crying at night

when all others are in bed.[/align]

[align=center]I watch her lay awake at night

and go to hold her hand.

She doesn't know I'm with her

to help her understand.[/align]

[align=center]But like the sands on the beach

that never wash away...

I watch over my surviving mom,

who thinks of me each day.[/align]

[align=center]She wears a smile for others...

a smile of disguise!

But through Heaven's door I see

tears flowing from her eyes.[/align]

[align=center]My mom tries to cope with death

to keep my memory alive.

But anyone who knows her knows

it is her way to survive.[/align]

[align=center]As I watch over my surviving mom

through Heaven's open door...

I try to tell her that angels

protect me forevermore.[/align]

[align=center]I know that doesn't help her...

or ease the burden she bears.

So if you get a chance, go visit her...

and show her that you care.[/align]

[align=center]For no matter what she says...

no matter what she feels.

My surviving mom has a broken heart

that time won't ever heal[/align]

[4everjoeysmom]

Kathy, I am REALLY glad to hear the road to communication has opened for you and Barry. I can't think of a greater gift he could have given you, except of course being the wonderful pop-pop that he is to Tavian. And regarding the candle lighting, we may miss the physical act of lighting a candle now and again, but the candles for our babies are always lit in our hearts--and they know it!

[cameronsmom1]

Ok guys I need some help. A friend of mine had a baby that died two days after it was born and it would have been a year old today. I want to send her something but am not sure of what it should be. Any ideas?

Amanda

[shorty16]

We also forgot the candelighting.  We are so bummed.  We are traveling for the holidays and we want to bring some of Brian's ashes with us.  We want to spread the ashes in the Atlantic Ocean. 

I was suprised how much energy that little act took, but it wiped me out.

Sorry Brian - I think of you every moment of every day.  I wonder how my life would be if you were still here.  I ache so bad.  I am sorry I forgot.

Colleen  Brian's Mother forever

[4everjoeysmom]

Amanda, I think a "REMEMBERING" card (like of the Hallmark variety) would be nice. It would be a simple but profound statement to let your friend know that you have not forgotten. Really that's what all of us desire, that our children not be forgotten, (or our pain for missing that child). Trying to come up with a "gift" of some kind may be a bit much, because unless you've been in close touch with her and know what truly would bring her comfort to have and hold onto, there is always the risk of choosing wrongly. A card can be tasteful and a very sweet gesture to let her know you remember and care...

[lolynbo]

TOMARROW IS MY SIX MONTHS WITH OUT KOURTNEY...THE WEATHER IS CRAPPY AND IM TOTALLY BUMMED...I SLEPT TIL 11 TODAY AND AM THINKING ABOUT JUST CRAWLING BACK IN...WHY GET UP...WHY GO ON...I REALLY AND TRUELY THINK THE ONLY REASON TO GO ON IS MY SON KODY...I CAN BE GLOOMY AND AS SOON AS HE COMES HOME I FEEL A TRICKLE OF LIFE IN ME...I DONT EVEN FEEL IT WHEN I SEE MY DAUGHTER KIMBERLY  I GUESS BECAUSE I DONT SEE HER VERY MUCH...

AS I SAID WE WENT TO THE CANDLE LIGHTING, AND THE NURSE SPOKE FOR KOURTNEY AND IT WAS LLLOOONNNGGG LIKE 15 MIN IN THE COLD AND AN OLD LADY GOT HER CANDLE AND WAS GOING TO GO ON THE STAGE WITH OUR NURSE AND LIGHT HER CANDLE SO SHE COULD LEAVE, SOMEONE FINALLY TOLD HER SHE WAS BEING RUDE AND TO WAIT OR TO LEAVE..(I FEEL BAD FOR THAT BUT WE ARE THERE FOR THE KIDS NOT OUR SELVES) SO I WAS BUMMED ABOUT THAT, HER BEING RUDE..I WOULDNT HAVE CARED IF WE WERE THERE TIL MID FOR EVERYONE IT WAS IMPORTANT FOR PPL..

IM SO SORRY YALL MISSED THE CANDLE LIGHTING, BUT I THINK IF I MISSED IT, IT WOULD BE A SIGN THAT KOURTNEY KNEW WE WERE ENJOYING OUR SELVES AND SHE WAS WITH US IN A DIFFERENT WAY THAT DAY (SHOPPING OR BEING WITH FAMILY),I SAVED MINE AND MONTYS CANDLES AND WE ARE GOING TO USE THEM AGAIN NEXT YR. I PUT THEM IN MY LIVING ROOM, IN A CANDLE HOLDER I HAVE

WE PUT UP THE TREE, KIMBERLY KODY AND ME AND DAD, THE NURSE (REGAN AND HER HUBBY ) WERE HERE AND WE TALKED WHILE DOING THE TREE..

IM GOING TO TRY AND SEND A PIC OF PART OF THE TREE, THE LAST THING KOURTNEY AND I BOUGHT TOGETHER WAS THESE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS FOR THE TREE..AND I THINK IT IS THE PRETTIEST TREE IVE EVER HAD,I TOLD THE BOYS (MONTY AND KODY) I MAY NEVER TAKE IT DOWN, NOTICE THE BUTTERFLIES (JESSICA)...ITS ALL THE SAME COLORS YOU SEE HERE...IT IS REALLY A PRETTY TREE...

OK IM GOING TO TRY AND HAVE A GOOD DAY...AND YALL DO THE SAME

[lostwoher]

The tree is absolutely beautiful. I like stepping outside the box and going with different colors. Still no tree for me but some decorations are up and thats just fine by me.  Poor Randy, I want this to be a nice christmas for him since he is here with me and so far away from his family but he is being very understanding and supportive. The weather is reaking havoc here. Snow is blowing and the roads are getting very slippery. Luckily we were able to travel the 25 minutes it takes to give Kayla here blanket for the holidays. Nothing fancy, a few bows and a couple new ornaments she would like. So difficult having to leave her there.

Hope everyone has a great day. I lit enough candles for everyone so dont feel as though your son/daughter was left without- everyone shines!

Lynn

[cameronsmom1]

Lorri,

I have finally gone through all of my old clothes. Where do I need to go to give them to Kourtney's Kloset?

Amanda

[lolynbo]

JUST MAKE SURE THEY ARE LAUNDRED (SP) YOU COULD TAKE THEM TO MY HUBBY BIZZNESS GALAXIE SIGN CO..HE ALREADY HAS HAD DROP OFFS...AND THANK YOU VERY MUCH...MUCHO APPRECIATED

[mikesmum]

Lorri - The pictures of Courtney and her sister are so poignant.  I got a real sense of peace looking at Courtney.  Like the battle was over and she was just resting.  Her sister has an energy from within shining through her eyes.   Love your tree, the colours for the decorations work well. 

Kathy - Glad to see you and Barry spending some 'couple' time.  It would have been a bittersweet having him open up about the perfume, yet it is the first step of I am sure many more.

Candlelighting is something I do many times.  It doesn't have to be a designated day, just a day.  Mike is in my heart and my mind every beat, every second of every day.  Some days, when I find myself doing things a minute might get by, but I believe he is okay with that......I hope he would see it as my life merging with his loss allowing me to breath a little......

[mikesmum]

Kathy - Parcel arrived......many thanks.....

[lolynbo]

I GOT THIS EMAIL THE OTHER DAY FROM KOURTNEYS AUNT WHO SLEPT AT KOURTNEYS FRIENDS HOUSE IN HER BED

>

> Ok, here it goes:

>

> I went into Brandi's room to get ready to go to sleep.  There was

picture of Kourtney on the nightstand.  Her senior pic.  It was so beautiful!!

She is so beautiful!!  I picked it up and stared at it for awhile.  I, even

though I wasn't around her alot, still can't comprehend everything that

happened, and why.  I was pondering about when I met her.  She was a little

girl.  Callie and Kim spent the night occasionally and I would see her then.

Then, as she got older, her and Nikki and Brandi became friends and stayed

friends.  I saw her alot at their house.  You know, just a kid, that was in and

out of my life, for a long time.  I never worried about her or thought that she

would never be there.  The last time I saw her was when Jager was born.  We were

at the hospital together.  She had grown up into a beautiful woman.  It was so

good to see her.  Then, I heard about what was going on with her and I

couldn't believe it, and before I new it, she was gone.

>

> I stood there looking at the picture, trying to figure all this out and

running it all through my head and my heart.  My eyes filled with tears!  My

heart was full and hurting for her and her family.

>

> I laid down and went to sleep.  Later in the night, I woke up because I

thought someone had come into the room.  It was like someone was trying to be

quiet and gently opened and closed the door.  I felt like I could even see a

glimpse of light as the door shut. I could feel someone there but no one spoke.

I was startled and kind of scared.  It was such a strong feeling that someone

was there, that I turned on the lamp to see who it was.  I didn't see anyone

so I went back to sleep.

>

> I was laying on my right side and right before I dozed off, I felt the

covers pull back behind me and something, more like an air form of something,

climbed in the bed and laid up against my back.  It was different now, though.

I wasn't scared at all.  It was very comforting and I snuggled down with it

and went right to sleep.

>

> I can't say for sure what it was, and only a couple of times in my

life, has something like this happened to me.  The only thing I can say is that

it was sweet and it felt good and it let me know that everything was ok.

Kourtney is ok, she is happy and we have no need to worry about her. We will see

her again!!!  And the next time will be forever!

>

> I love you,

> Char

IT JUST GIVES ME COMFORT TO KNOW KOURTNEY IS STILL COMFORTING AND HELPING PPL...JUST WISH SHE'D SNUGGLE NEXT TO ME..

[cameronsmom1]

Lorri,

The letter was beautiful. From what i've heard about Kourtney this sounds just like something she would do. Comfort those in pain. Just know that Kourtney is always with you. She snuggles next to you every night and holds you close. Sometimes it may be hard to tell but she's there. At the candlelighting right before it started, remember that strong wind that came in that brought the cold. Everyone I talked to said that that happens every year. Sounds to me like all of our angels are joining us there. Flying in with their angel wings to comfort us. At least thats what i believe.

Amanda

[heartbeataway]

We are back from our trip to Virginia. I logged on as I could and tried to keep up. We lit our candle in our hotel room.  It was a battery operated tealight but it still flickered and cast it's little light as we joined others in showing compassion and remembering our lost young ones.

We had dinner at one of Jay's friends Sunday evening.  He works for Jay's company and drives Jay's truck.  EVERYTIME I see that truck I cry.  I don't know what it is but when we turn on the street and the truck becomes visable in the driveway, the waterworks start for me.

The last time I physically saw Jason he drove us to the airport in his truck.  After our hugs and kisses goodbye, I stood and waved until the truck was out of sight.  That was my routine, I always did the same thing.

The closer the holidays get, the heavier this grief gets.  We are getting cards with little notes about Gingy being front and center on their trees, etc ...

I'm just missing our boy. 

I watched the Walsh family on TV this morning.  It's been 26 years and they still walk around with their broken hearts and the tears falling down their cheeks.

Grief really is a life sentence.  It follows you everywhere and attacks the heart strings when you least expect it.

Oh well ....... glad to be home with you my friends.  In our little cyber world of comfort and healing and most importantly, understanding.

Love!

Bonnie