Loss of an Adult Child

[summergirl]

Greg - beautiful poem - made me cry but loved it.

I wrote a big posting and then LOST IT!!! Was very upset as I needed so badly to talk at that time and when it got lost I turned off the computer and stayed away for a couple of days.  Silly to get so upset about something like that.

Anyway - Dee - I hope Micheal and Jon are doing ok and as always my prayers are with all of you.

Tavian has become much calmer and seems like his old self again but time will tell as I know that it will happen again but thankfully with all of the support I have had here and with my therapist I will be prepared for the next round. We worked in the yard today taking care of all of the leaves that are falling and Tavian was so cute working along side of us - he earned 20 points today. This afternoon I took him to the movies to see Madagscar 2 - he loved it and we ate popcorn and soda - it was really nice and so good to hear his beautiful laugh. He is very tired as he had a friend over on Friday for a play date and sleep over - wow, two 6 year old boys in the house was major noise but fun to see them play and laugh but I was definitely ready for the mom to come and get Damien on Saturday. Damien is Tavian's best friend and his mom Ashley is Jessica's best friend since grade school - we talk all of the time and she is amazing - out of the hundred's of Jessica's friends she is the only one that calls me regularly and we get together and make sure the boys see each other. Alot of Jessica's friends are still on her My Space and they call me now and agian but life does go on, especially for the young ones.    I was reading the postings and agree with many on the "friends" issue - so many of my friends have remained but I did lose a few and that is ok - I do not let that bother me as I am better off without the ones who were not strong enough to stand by us when the worst happened. I have found out something different though - a friend of mine, not really close but we know each other socially - her son was killed in a car accident a couple of months ago and I went to the wake (could not do the funeral) - I ran into her the other day and she was avoiding looking at me and for some reason I understood - something told me that by seeing me reminded her that she too will survive and I think it was hard for her - am I making sense??  I know in the first few months if anyone would have said I would still be here breathing and living I would probably have punched them as I never believed I would ever "go on" with out my beautiful Jessica.  Life does go on and as painful as some days are I have learned that I am living for Jessica also, I will keep her alive for as long as I am still here.

Crying comes often but smiles do to - the Holidays are tough and I wish so much I was shopping for Jessica, she loved Christmas.  Then again Jessica loved life.

Had my first parent teacher conference on Friday and Tavian is doing excellent!! He is above average in every thing so his teacher is adding more to his day as she feels he is getting bored as the work comes so easy to him - she said he is very smart!! Of course I am very proud of him so it is ok for me to brag a little.

Well time for Tavian to go to bed, school tomorrow.     By the way I could use some help also on that "lose some weight" - I have always been a size 4 or 6 and now have gained 20 pounds and have no idea how to lose it!!!!!!  I am so busy all of the time, go, go, go, you would thing I would be a size zero!! Maybe it is the age?? Well, I would like to think so but!!!! 

Will try to post another picture, sometimes it tells me it is to big and then I have to go resize again.     Love and prayers to all - Kathy

[lolynbo]

WELL THE WEEKEND FLEW BY EVEN THOUGH IT WAS OUR 1 YR THAT OUR NIGHTMARE STARTED...

MY SISTER CAME DOWN W HER 2 1/2 YR OLD GS..OMGOSH HE IS THE SIZE OF A 4 OR 5 YR OLD...SOOOOOOSSOOOO CUTE...IT KEPT MY MIND BIZZY...WE ATE OUT ALOT...AND MY DAUGHTER CAME IN FROM OK CITY...AND STAYED THE NIGHT AND HUNG W US A BIT...(HER FRIENDS ALL HAVE TO HAVE A PIECE OF HER WHEN SHE IS IN)..DAUGHTER IS DATING AGAIN (SINCE HER 1YR MARRIAGE BROKE UP W/ THE RUFF YR WE HAD)  HE IS IN A BAND AND A VERY GOOD BOY AND THEIR CD IS HITTING THE CHARTS RIGHT NOW AND THEY ARE ON TOUR IN EUROPE, SO I THINK THEY ARE GOING TO BE BIG SOOOOON...I EVEN KINDA LIKE THEIR MUSIC, (LITLLE TO MELLOW FOR ME) BUT ITS GOOD...( I LIKE ROCK)...BUT THEY SEEM LIKE GOOD CHRISTIAN BOYS..MAYBE DAUGHTER WILL BE RICH AND TAKE CARE OF ME...LOL

JUST HAD A FAMILY FILLED WEEKEND WITH THE RUFF TIMES OF YR..AND GODS GOT US....

OUR CHURCH IS ALSO GETTING TOGETHER A ROPING AND WILL BE A MEMORIAL FOR KOURTNEY...SO PRAY ITS A BIGGG TURN OUT..

HAVE A BLESSED EVENING

[ericasmom]

Hey Gang,

thanks for the head-lice support. How nice Carol, to hear from a hairdresser and she suggests teatree shampoo. I am on it, believe me. I also have been given Rosemary leave in conditioner, though it obviously isn't as much a deterrent as the Mom who gave it to me thinks. Her girls are African American, and none of my AFrican American kids have had head lice. Last year I had it 4 times, I was going out of my mind. I thought I would really crop my hair as well. It is time consuming, expensive and all in all, creepy. I have very thick hair, and they love it. My Son and Daughter both go it a couple of times, and me once from them, but boy lately, the school year starts with them in the building and they go all year. The biggest problem is people don't rewash with the chemical stuff 10-14 days later, and truely, many use gentle products not wanting to put strong chemicals on the heads of thier little ones. I don't blame them, except that it doesn't work and the little creepy things find me. They sit on me and laugh probably. Anyhow, hopefully I have gotton rid of them, though just talking with you guys about it makes me itch.

NOw, weight issues hu? WEll, I have maintained my weight pretty much, but it has shifted, never before having a belly issue until recently. Last spring I had about 8 pounds on me which is a lot for me, used to wearing a size 8 comfortably, and I wasn't comfortable. I had a great deal of issues with peri-menopause, so some of it was that, but some is just the age and metabolism. Since then I have added more magnisium/calcium to my diet and that has seemed to help unload a bit of the extra weight. I eat a good deal of vegetables, and fruit, power walk almost everyday, and do some strength work at the gym 3 times per week. I also walk regular gait, after dinner about 4 nights per week. If I don't I get too sleepy after dinner. I work with third graders so I am always moving around. But these hot flashes? OMG, sometimes 20 a day, and they wake me throughout the night. I already don't sleep well, that does not help. I work with many women around my age, (52) and they are experiencing similar weight or shift of weight issues. Oh what fun.

Sorry Greg, so much girl talk.

I was looking through one of Erica's photo albums today, just felt so sad, wanted to look into her face to see if she looked as happy as I remember...she did. It was her trip to Costa Rica with the high school. One photo cracked me up, she was driving the river boat and the guide was standing near her, she was making a crazy face, so funny. I am so glad she had that opportunity. I am so grateful for having her as my Daughter. Tonight I took a long walk with my Buddy Marion, we both needed a long walk, it was quiet and transforming as the light snow began to fall and stick making everything very sparkly. We felt blessed by it, and that special quiet that snow causes was all aroundus. I went in the yard after Marion went home, and stood in Eri's footsteps adn prayed. I wrote her name in the first snow, ERICA LIVES ON.

Michael was in poor spirits yesterday and Jonathan said he was going to call me today to tell me about a few things but never did. I know that he is dealing with so many emotions, and my heart beats extra beats for he and his Dad. I told Jonathan about the prayers you have all sent, and he hugged me and told me to tell you all thanks so much.  I spent yesterday with Michael's sister, Carol. She and I went to see her Momma, my former Mom-in-law. She lives in a nursing home in Chicago, and while I was so glad to see her, to hold her hand, I was so sad when I left. She said," Dee, it is so hard to know your child is dying, but you know all about it don't you?" She is 89, a wonderful woman, and she was/is a great grandmom to my kids. She misses Eri very much. So it has been a melancholy week, a melancholy time.

Time to try sleeping, I sure hope I am able to get some solid hours in. Either way, may you all sleep well, feel good, and wake to a lovely day,

Dee

[summergirl]

I WANT TO BE THE WOMAN I ALWAYS KNEW MY DAUGHTER WOULD BE!!!!!!!

[heartbeataway]

Your precious daughter is an extension of YOU .....

The life she lived was life that you gave her.  You are her blood.

Your words are heart breaking to me.  They tell me you want her here to make decisions and to smile and to care and to be part of your day in and your day out ....... 

She will continue to live and she will continue to guide in the only way that she can.

Sit quietly ......... she's there.

Love!

[mikesmum]

[user=17871]summergirl[/user] wrote:

I WANT TO BE THE WOMAN I ALWAYS KNEW MY DAUGHTER WOULD BE!!!!!!!

Kathy my dear friend you are the woman Jessica aspired to and most definitely the one she drew her strengths from.  I know that in my heart just by looking at her face in the pictures you post and seeing that reflected again and again in Tavians eyes.    Jessica's determination to have Tavian and provide a life for both of them came from you.  Your love, strength and devotion to both your child and your grandbaby reflects so much about the woman you are.  Jessica is around you.   As Bonnie says "Sit quietly - She is there".  Breath in and out, close your eyes and listen to the quiet.

Bonnie - Many thanks for the parcel, will be looking out for it. 

Carol - The pennies from heaven keep the connection going.  Hope the rest of the unpacking goes well.  Remember, rest and take it one box at a time.

Dee - Ugh two topics I don't like - head lice and weight.  The headlice thing, well we have products here that are herbal, not sure if you can get them in the US.  One called Lice Blaster another Ego Moov Head Lice Solution.  Both are successful, but there may be a need to use the product twice. A good nits comb is also great value. Melissa had beautiful red hair to her butt whe she was a school and the lice loved it.  Those were the days!

The weight, well I put on 20 kilos in the past 22 months.  A while back I lost 15 but I think 10 found me again!  The walking helps not only with the weight but with the seratonin I need for the brain.  Have been toying with the idea of Pilates.  Pass a gym most mornings as they are doing the early morning class, seems a little gentler than areobics. (old bones, old joints)!

Was watching the NBC Today show this morning (early early this morning) They were featuring "The ends of the earth".  Surprisingly, Australia was part of the Ends of the Earth!!!

Take Care - Trudi

[ericasmom]

Kathy,

Bonnie and Trudi are right I think, sit quietly, a pretty way to say it, because she is there. I think that she is smiling at what you have said, because it is you that she most wanted to be like, more than likely. I have always said that l that I want to be someone that Eri and Jon would be happy to have around them. When they were teens, I was the last person they would want, but as they got a bit older, we found a common ground on which to set forth. I am thankful that Erz and I were on the path to hanging out, to expanding our role in one another's lives...and now? Well she is around in the way that she can be. I hope she smiled at her name in the snow.

Trudi, I too think I should do Pilates, I am learning some yoga to help my back, speaking of old bones, but pilates incorporates yoga with strength training. Sounds like a plan Trudi, so go for it and see if it feels right.

bye all,

dee

[daniellemom]

Kathy,

What you wrote is beautiful and just the way I feel. I want to be the person Danielle would have been! Thanks!!

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[johnnysmama]

Kathy

We are the best we can be BECAUSE of our beautiful children-to honor them

Love ya , Kay

[summergirl]

Wow - thanks to all of you!!!  You made me smile through my tears!! Jessica and I were soooooooo close and I am missing her so much. I guess today when I was thinking about her I thought of all of the wonderful qualities she had and I felt as though I will never measure up to all that she was. I do want her here with me to do all of the things we always did - be together - I want it all back and I know that I cannot have it so!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!     I will sit quietly, breath in and out and she will be there - thank you all so much.  Why is it that some days just hit you without warning and you feel as though you have went back in time to that "first day" and all you want to do is SCREAM!!!!   Oh my friends where would I be without all of you.

Carol - pennies from Heaven are the best thing for the weary soul.

Trudi - Thank you - the reflection of Jessica in Tavian is most definitely there!!

Tavian is yelling for me to come play with him for a while before bedtime so I will close and talk tomorow night - Love you all - Kathy

I found this and I love it -

"There are a hundred places I fear to go - so with her memory they brim.

And entering with relief, some quiet place where never fell her foot or shone her face

I say "There is no memory of her here!"     And stand so stricken, so remembering her."

[daveydow1]

Carol,

Thanks for the kind words. Yes, we all have those 'bumps" or "ruts"

on this road we are on. I think your way of dealing with the incident

at Sears was just right. Once, after Davey passed, a young girl knocked

on our door. She was from a particular religious group passing out

literature, and had previously visited our house, with David answering

the door, I guess. She said "Is David here" ?  I was so taken aback,

since it was only a matter of days after the funeral. I told her what had

happened, and she too was very young and nice. These things happen

to all of us, and I guess there's not much we can do except put a positive-

type attitude to it---although it is so difficult. Peace & prayers to you, friend.

                            Daveysmom,  Sherry

[daveydow1]

Dee,

Sorry about the pesky "critters" that have invaded.

More prayers for Michael & Jon.  Poor Momma----facing this crisis

with her son , at such a late stage in her life when she no doubt

faces a series of other losses with health, independance etc. Bless

her heart. I'm sure she valued your visit also. Peace, and a good

night's rest, Dee.

                Daveysmom,    Sherry  

[ericasmom]

Thanks Sherry, I have heard no news today either, and I do not want to pursue Jonathan or Carol, (MIke's sister) after leaving a message already, don't want to be another obligation for them. Anyhow, today maybe tomorrow, the blood tests for the siblings will be in and the possibility of a match will be discussed, and the chances for a stem cell transplant. I have no idea of any of it, but I will continue to pray that whatever is the best thing for Michael, be done.

I am weary, still not sleeping well and so I am hoping that when I lay down tonight I can sleep for many hours in a row, this wakefulness is making me feel very disjointed and of course very tired.

Kathy, I wish you never had to feel this pain, not any of us, but we do and when one of us is especially sad, we are lifted here, we are loved. You spoke what so many of us wish, that we could take up perhaps, where they left off, becoming the wonders they would have continued to be. She must be so very blessed to know that you feel this way about her. It is you that gave her her biggest lessons in her life, and it is she that has given them to you. The amazing gifts of parent and child. An interchange that is imprinted in our hearts. When you asked how come some days find us like this, as though it is one day into our loss? We go along and we have to fall apart sometimes, to get a hold of some energy, to let go of all that has built up, and also to look back and see that there are similariites to those first days, but wow! you have traveled a long way, you have done so many things to find your way, you have worked to help find the path for Tavian, and you are in constant care mode. Kathy, you forging your path, and Jessica is sweeping the path as best she can to keep it clear as you go. As you all go along, finding your way. She is right there.

Love,

Dee

[heartbeataway]

"There are a hundred places I fear to go - so with her memory they brim. And entering with relief, some quiet place where never fell her foot or shone her face I say "There is no memory of her here!" And stand so stricken, so remembering her."

Very thought provoking words ........  thanks for sharing.

[summergirl]

Dee - I wish also that none of us had to feel the pain we feel day in and day out. How right you are - we are so lifted and loved here and it is a blessing many times over. I know that there are days when the overwhrlming pain and loss hit me so hard my enrgy and spirit fail me as though I have been slammed in the heart but it is true that once I get those feelings out I am re-energized and can once again face the reality of what is here and now.  "Jessica sweeping the path" went straight to my heart and no one could have said it better - made me realize how lucky I truely am to have had her for 26 beautiful years and how much joy and love she brought to all of us - now she does the same from the Heavens above - shinning down and guiding me every step of the way.  I thank you for giving me the words I needed in a time when I have been so down.  Peace and love my friend. Kathy

[ericasmom]

And you Kathy, have done the same for me and many others here.

Myheart,

Dee

[mikesmum]

From the you gotta be kidding file:-

I have just finished 2 hours with a Rehabilitiation Group who have been instructed to return me to fulltime work.  Up till now I have been on Workers Compensation, something about losing my mind in Jan 07.  

My employers insurer had told the Rehab provider "you can't believe everything your clients tell you".  I was so insensed I replied -  "that right Mike isn't dead, we are rorting the system and I am off to Bali to met up with him next week."  Amazing how quiet the room became. 

[veronicasmom]

Last night I experienced a panic attack.  For whatever reason as I was in a department store with happy holiday music loudly playing, I came across a Snoopy ornament.  This reminded me of my daughter's first stuffed toy, Snoopy.  This led to remembering her and feeling extremely sad.  The next memory was the agony of watching her taking her last breaths.  Here I was in the middle of a store covered in   cold sweat and starting to breath heavier.  Is this what one calls post-traumatic effect?  I had to shake my head to get rid of it.  But how do you stop these awful moments to surface so unexpectedly?  And will this happen again the rest of my life?  I only want to think of her as herself:  funny, witty, smiling, confiding, my daughter.  Is it something that I have to worry about?  I  am better today, just a little shaken.

D.

[heartbeataway]

Trudi,

I'm sure the room did become quiet ........ Sorry you're having to deal with this ... "this too shall pass?"

This is a picture of the memorial I put together at Pinnacle Days to honor our children. I had a longer list of names but only a few candles. My originial idea was to write the names on rocks and circle the plague.  Thus, creating a circle of love.  The rain would not allow it .....

[ericasmom]

The rain would not allow it Bonnie, but our children have created this circle of love, and you have touched us all here by this lovely act of writing their names.Thanks so much,

Trudi, I am so sorry that you had to hear the insensitive opinion of those in authority. I love that you quieted the room with your comment, their inability to put themselves in a similar position and make a judgement on this, rather than the hideous thought that 'some clients are not to be believed.' Amazing for them to actually hear the way they are being heard.

I wish you peace after so much upheavel

[lolynbo]

D-

SO SORRY FOR YOUR PANIC ATTACK...IVE DONE IT...JUST LIKE YOU SAID I HAD TO SHAKE MY HEAD...AND START TO BREATH AGAIN...LIKE I WAS IN A BAD DREAM...WE ARE ITS CALLED A DAILY NIGHTMARE....

IM TRYING TO GET IN THE "SPIRIT" OD CHRISTMAS...LIKE I HAD SAID THAT WAS THE LAST THING KOURTNEY AND I BOUGHT WAS DECORATIONS...SO IM GOING TO PUT UP A TREE AT LEAST...CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS WITH MY TWO OTHER CHILDREN (24 AND  16) AND THEN FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS WE HAVE DECIDED TO GO TO DALLAS TO SEE THE KING TUT EXHIBIT...OF COURSE MY DAUGHTER CANT GO BECAUSE OF HER JOB, BUT WE WILL DO THE CHRISTMAS THING...I JUST HOPE GOD AND KOURTNEY HELP US THROUGH IT...

IM KINDA IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING TOO, MY DAUGHTERS X CALLED ME LAST NIGHT AND WANTS TO BE WITH US FOR CHRISTMAS,(HE HAS NO FAMILY EXCEPT US FOR THE LAST 6 YRS) SO I HOPE IT ALL WORKS OUT...MY DAUGHTER KOURTNEYS HUSBAND I DONT EVER REALLY HEAR FROM, MY HUBBY DOES BUT I DONT...

IT WAS 5 MONTHS THE 17TH THAT KOURTNEY GRADUATED FROM THIS LIFE TO HEAVEN...I SURE MISS YOU BABY GIRL...ITS AS IF MY HALF OF MY BODY IS GONE...LORD KNOWS MY MIND IS...

WELL HAVE A BLESSED DAY/EVENING..IM PRAYING FOR EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU

[ericasmom]

D, I KNOW THE FEELING OF PANIC AND WHILE IT COULD BE THAT YOU ARE HAVING POST TRAUMATIC STRESS SYNDROME, IT DOESN'T NECESSARILY MEAN IT. IF IT CONTINUES TO HAPPEN OVER AND OVER, THEN YOU SHOULD CHECK IT OUT WITH A THERAPIST IF YOU ARE NOT SEEING ONE NOW. IT COULD BE A ONE-TIME THING, BROUGHT ON BY THE SUDDEN RUSH OF MEMORIES AND THE DIFFICULTY WE HAVE WITH HOLIDAYS. LORD KNOWS, THIS SEASON WITH ALL OF ITS MAGIC, HOLDS MUCH OF OUR DEEPEST PAIN AS WELL. KEEP A SMALL PAPER BAG WITH YOU FOLDED IN YOUR POCKET OF PURSE, AND IF EVER YOU ARE FEELING THAT SENSE OF QUICKENED HEARTBEAT, STEP INTO THE BATHROOM, OR OUTSIDE, OR ANYWHERE YOU ARE COMFY, PULL OUT THE BAG AND BREATHE IN AND OUT INTO THE BAG, BREATHING THE AIR INSIDE THE BAG BRINGS YOU MORE OXYGEN, WHICH IS WHAT WE HAVE LESS OF WHEN WE BREATHE IN PANIC. AT LEAST PHYSICALLY, YOU WILL FEEL LESS VULNERABLE. EMOTIONALLY? JUST KEEP COMING HERE BOUNCING YOUR WORRIES, PAIN, JOYS, AND WHATEVER ELSE YOU ARE FEELING, OFF OF EVERYONE HERE. THE HOLIDAYS ARE FILLED WITH TRIALS FOR US ALL, BUT THEY GET SMOOTHER, CALMER, AS THE YEARS PASS. BE KIND TO YOURSELF, TRY NOT TO PUT UNDUE STRESS ON YOUR LIFE DURING THE HOLIDAYS, TRY TO THINK OF WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU FEEL PEACEFUL; MASSAGE, A WALK, LUNCH WITH A FRIEND...WHATEVER. IF THE HOLIDAYS NEED TO TAKE ON A DIFFERENT MEANING NOW, THINK ABOUT SHELTERS FOR ANIMALS NEEDING VOLUNTEERS AND SUPPLIES, ADOPTING A FAMILY TO BUY THINGS FOR WHO WOULD NOT OTHERWISE HAVE GIFTS...THERE ARE MANY WAYS TO MAKE SOME NEW TRADITIONS THAT MAY OFFER YOUR SPIRIT AND HEART A WAY TO FEEL CONNECTED OR TOUCHED BY MAGIC THIS HOLIDAY SEASON. MY THOUGHTS ARE WITH YOU D.

DEE

[shorty16]

D,  I had never experienced a panic attach until my son was killed on 6-19-08.  I thought I was having a heart attack!  I had a terrible tingling in the center of my chest, I could not breath and was sweating terribly.  My vision even starts to become blurry and I lost some periferal vision.

One thing I found is that I now recognize what is happening to me and I can talk myself down.  This does not always work, but it happened once when I was driving and had to pull over, control my breathing, calm down and then I could go on.

You are not alone and you are not going crazy.  My panic attacks have dimished, but they are still present.

You should notice a reduction of the atacks over time.  If not, then a doctor may be in order.

I am thinking of you

Colleen,  Brian's Mom Forever

[mikesmum]

D - What happened to you is what is called a 'normal response to an abnormal situation'.  Losing a child, the most traumatic thing a parent can experience. Reading through these posts you will find many talk of 'meltdowns' - same thing.  Something, someone, a song, a thought a smell will trigger a tidal wave of emotions.

Its that little twinge of reality, that our babies really have gone that make it so intense.  There will come a time when these 'panic attacks' find their place becoming a less debilitating, but there will always be times of tears. 

I agree with Dee - if its intesity & frequency continues for any length of time seek help.  Counselling can demystify many of the fears/pain of this journey and provide the support needed to deal with them.

Bonnie - Love the circle of light.  Never out of our hearts or thoughts. 

The words of those who know no better did sting, but their effect was short lived.  I posted to friends and felt better. 

I found this quote from Washinton Irving - think it fits here quite well - Trudi

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”

Love you Micheal Shane, always have always will - Mum

[heartbeataway]

[user=17130]mikesmum[/user] wrote:

Its that little twinge of reality, that our babies really have gone that make it so intense.  

That little twinge of reality that our babies are really gone ..........

That's exactly what it is .......... another reminder of reality.

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”

Love the quote!!

[ericasmom]

Trudi,

that quote is right on, so lovely. Our tears are a show of our strength, of our tenacity, and our devotion. Our tears are the oceans of the world, salt and sting, and the beginning and the end.

Lori, sounds like you will have a busy holiday to keep you occupied. It is good to set aside some time for your  family to get away. I hope that you will be able to rest adn take in the sites.

Dee

[lostwoher]

Reality- ugh. I have been finding myself wanting to be further and further away from it all. I dont have my 'people skills' anymore. I dont even try to have a conversation with a customer the way I use to. Its too difficult just going through the routine questions because I dont care. That sounds so aweful to say but its how I have been feeling. The smallest tasks gets me so agitated and then Im in a foul mood. I cant explain it but I feel empty and alone even when Im surrounded by friends/family. Lately my work has suffered just as much as daily chores at home. My rx mgr has been telling more and more that my attitude is bad. Its sad but I realize he is right, I just dont know what to do to get out of it. When I do put my 2 cents worth in then Im told I complain too much then it sends me into a whirlwind. Such a confusing life to live.

   So, to all my brilliant friends out there- any words of advice?

To top it all off, Im still waiting for my divorce to go thru and trying to hold off the funeral home for payment in full. My stress level is topped off for a while.

Love and Peace to all,

Lynn

[mikesmum]

Lynn - So much to identify with.  Used to be an Emergency Medical Dispatcher with a Nursing background.  Haven't worked since Jan 07.  In hindsight I would say my care factor took a beating when Mike left.  My belief system is yet to recover and my people skills, well lets just say they have no signs of life.

Divorce, losing a child, money worries and everyday living, there really is just so much one can bear.  I started with the one breath one step theory.  I  have a different priority system than I had before and that helps. 

As many will tell you here, take it slowly, one step at a time and most of all be kind to yourself.  Take time out to just be.....the rest can wait, even though at times they might say they can't.....

Take Care - Trudi

[ericasmom]

Lynn, I do know the piling up of issues, like a ball of yarn gone wild, it feels as though there is no end to the craziness. I agree with Trudi, it is a different life now, and so reprioritizing is going to be important.

 I would think that your RX supervisor should be able to see that life right now is quite difficult to manage and that you need some breaks built into your day. If that is not possible, is it possible for you to take a leave of absence? Is there a family emergency leave available through the company or a way to secure your job after taking some time off? Will the company you work for provide therapy? Is therapy something you think you can do? There are ways to live in this world again, but they require you to make changes that allow you space and time to adapt as best you can to the many ways you are changing. My goodness, we have maternity leave, what about when we lose our Babies? Your nerves are raw, whose wouldn't be, so dealing with the public right now is not something that comes naturally to you because you are dealing with extreme shock and loss. You are at the point in your loss that for many of us, was extremely difficult. It is the time of the shock wearing away and leaving your heart battered. There is no way around this part, and so you aknowledge it, and hopefully your employer will honor your grief and find ways to assist you with this peice of time. It is a piece, it willnot always feel this way, and I pray you believe me when I say this. All of us here ahead of you on this journey know that we will always grieve, but that the early part, that first year, is the hardest and lonliest time. It will change, but you need time to grieve, you need less pressure in your daily life if possible.

The funeral home will just have to wait. Make a five dollar weekly payment if you can and tell them that at this point, it is the best you can do and if it takes 5 years, then so be it, they will get their money.

Waiting for the divorce is a whole other ending of sorts and so right now your life is filled with turmoil, but I swear it won't always be this way. Let that go if you can as you have no control over the timing of such things.

I am holding you in my heart and prayers Lynn,

Dee

[mikesmum]

Maternity/Paternity Leave - allows for mother/father and child to bond with each other in an environment of support and understanding .  Where is the leave that allows for a mother/father to  make that transition into a life without that same child?

Ponderances from down under!

:?

[heartbeataway]

Lynn,

I read your posting and haven't responded because I don't know what to say .....

I lost a child. 

I did not have to think or deal with anything that wasn't connected to his loss.  And that alone was all encompassing.  His business, his fiancee, his estate ........

I can't imagine a divorce, a move, debt and working for someone who has no compassion.

I wish you strength and I will keep you in my prayers.

Bonnie

[mikesmomrs]

Lynn:  My heart goes out to you...so much to deal with.  Losing a child is the worst, but all the others pretty much take over your life, as well, fighting for priority.  We know, though, that the first priority must be yourself...take care of yourself, as Dee says, it's truly important.  We tend to let that slide to the bottom of the list, even when things are going okay, but when things are that "crazy ball of yarn" it seems to happen even more so.

The funeral home might not like $5 a week, but they will certainly take it and know in the process that you have not forgotten them, and are trying...a few years ago, my daughter was going through a terrible time and owed her dentist $60, and had to pay him $5.00 a month, and he was happy because she wasn't ignoring him---and welcomed her back as a patient!  It's amazing sometimes how people can support you, although I am also aware there are those out there who just don't care.   I truly hope that you find yourself in the company of the ones who care, at least outside of work... 

love and peace,  carol   mikesmomrs

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Lynn,

I can relate very much to your post and how you are feeling. I went through a fairly lengthy period of time where I had lost all motivation and desire for people... not that I don't love people... I just didn't have the energy or want to climb out of where I was. I needed to "just be" for a while. I thank God that I am in a location where I had the peace and freedom to "go slow" with getting back into the full swing of life. I have some connections and friendships that have suffered because i did not keep in touch or "maintain" at the level expected of me...but you know what? Those people didn't really motivate too much to keep in touch with me either. I felt a lot of anger, and expressed it outwardly more than I would have liked. I thank God for a patient husband. It has been 2 years and almost 4 months since Joey has gone, and I still am recovering--haven't found complete motivation yet to write and keep in touch, but it is coming back slowly. I am connecting again slowly, but have made a whole new and different set of friends along the way, which I feel are even deeper connections that I had before. When folks come alongside us and stick by even through the toughest of days, weeks and months, you soon find that life begins anew, in a different way, but not so bad as imagined when the journey began.

If you are able to take time off, you should. If you can't, maybe just put in for early vacation time and "get away" with no TV, phone, or communication, so you can "just be" for a time. Get in your car, drive to the outskirts of town or a parking lot, roll up your windows and scream till you lose your voice! Take lots of deep breaths. Say lots of little prayers. Count to 5 or ten before responding to anyone or anything... whatever it takes to examine the fuse before it blows. The pressure of your divorce is complicating your grief, as is the pressure to plaster on a good customer service face. But you can make it through this... just take some time for you whenever you can. Go home at night and soak your feet, or soak in the tub, turn off the lights and light a bunch of tea lights to soften the bright harshness of the day. Read a book that "takes you away" into fantasy for a little while--whatever you can do to find a small escape for just a little time to recuperate and regenerate....

Thinking of you, sending prayers up on your behalf, and hoping that you can steal away little moments of peace for yourself. Love and Hugs, Claudia

[lolynbo]

IVE LEARNED ALOT LOSING KOURTNEY...LIFE DOES GO ON, BUT THEY CANT GET BLOOD OUT OF A TURNIP....AND THEY CAN ROAST YOU BUT THEY CANT EAT YOU....AND IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT...ITS ALL JUST CRAP...YES IT NEEDS DELT WITH BUT A PIECE AT A TIME....DO WHAT YOU CAN WHEN YOU CAN....

THE FUNERAL HOME WE USED DIDNT WANT ANY MONEY HE SAID HE'D WAIT TIL I GOT THE LIFE INSURANCE..WHICH TOOK 4 MONTHS...BUT HE WAS VERY UNDERSTANDING..JUST CALL THEM AND WORK SOMETHING OUT...HE WILL APPREICIATE IT..LIKE THEY SAID "NOT BEING IGNORED"

AND IF WE LOSE EVERYTHING,HOME, CARS, STUFF...IT CANT TOUCH WHAT WE HAVE ALREADY LOST...I JUST PRAY FOR ALL OF US, THAT WE ARE BLESSED AND GOD WILL PROVIDE FOR US AND YOU...

[align=left] [/align]

JUST READ THIS ON MY DAUGHTERS MYSPACE PAGE..TODAYS VERSE

 

 

  I KNOW WHAT IT IS TO BE IN NEED, AND I KNOW WHAT IT IS TO HAVE PLENTY. I HAVE LEARNED THE SECRET OF BEING CONTENT IN ANY AND EVERY SITUATION, WHETHER WELL FED OR HUNGRY, WHETHER LIVING IN PLENTY OR IN WANT. I CAN DO EVERYTHING THROUGH HIM WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH.  PHILIPPIANS 4:12-13

 

[heartbeataway]

Lorri,

I get a kick out of the way you express yourself! You say what everyone else thinks but you have style that's unmistakable you ...... that's good in case you're wondering.

I really like the scripture.  Thanks for sharing.

Bonnie

[lostwoher]

First off I must thank everyone for the kind words and encouragement. It really meant alot to me knowing how many people are here and really care and understand this life of stuggle.

I made the call to the funeral home and made a brief commitment on a payment schedule. A better confirmation will come soon. You all were right that they do care and understand my situation and are very willing to work with me. Whew- what a relief. I was also informed that her grandparents (dad's side) had requested a copy of the death certificate for a life insurance policy. Needless to say I was flabergasted because I havent been told of this before. Here are my daughters grandparents collecting money on her death and not offering to help with the funeral costs. Am I wrong for being so disgusted with them? Im not about having money or wealth but geez. I dont know if I should try to contact them about this or just let it go. We never had that great of a relationship but for petes sake- it isnt for me its for their only granddaughter.

I have the day off from work so talk about being lazy and doing for myself. Yep, thats exactly what Im doing for the rest of the day; its all about ME. Hope everyone takes the time to do the same and enjoy. Nevermind the snow flurries going on because Im home safe and warm

Take care all,

Lynn

[ericasmom]

Lynn,

I'm so happy that you are home and cozy, not dealing with that which is difficult right now. You took some time for you and not only are we all happy, but so is your girl, your Beautiful Daughter.

I am pleased to hear the the funeral home is dealing nicely and yes, I would be disgruntled as well to know that the in-law grandparents are looking into an insurance thing...but let it go, because you can't add to your plate right now. Let it go because right now, it is time to take a few moments of peace and feel a bit of warmth in your spirit.

Peace and some how, more peace,

Dee

[cameronsmom1]

To all:

Sorry I haven't wrote in a while but I have been so busy! I closed on my house Wednesday and actually had my car loaded and headed straight to my new house!! I got to stay my first night last night!! I love it so much. I hope you all are doing well.

Amanda

[johnnysmama]

Hi Lynn

You have so much to deal with on your plate. I am glad you got the funeral home problem at bay for now. I am so sorry about your divorce, too. I know to continue on with my life I have learned to speak up, say no and do what I can-no matter who does or doesnt like it. I went back to work teaching kindergarten 6 weeks or so after I lost my son. I remember hiding behind a file cabinet to cry many times during the day-telling the kids my eyes keep getting dirt in them. I also only went back 3 days a week. I would just call off and I had a fabulous sub in place. I thought if they fire me I will work at the grocery store. I dont care about the money, just trying to survive without my son. The school system I work for only gave me 3 days leave. I think I only went back because I loved my class so much-honestly there were many mornings I would lay back down and say I can't do this and then I would remember kayla needed help with her color words that day and I promised her I would do that. I now say they saved my life and this years class is the same-keeps me going on. It is a game of priority to survive-YOU DO WHAT YOU CAN. Most of what I have accomplished in the last 2o months has  been a lot because I did not have a choice-I forced myself-still do. I also understand the feeling of what can set you off. I would like to say it is only big things but sometimes it can be the smallest thing. I ask myself Ok is this menopause or grief dementia?

You take care and do what you can. You are doing and dealing with sooo much. Life can be so unfair. Know we are here thinking, praying hoping for some peace for you.

I love Claudias yell until your voice is gone. Know we hear your voice here-loud and clear.

Hugs,

Kay

[johnnysmama]

Thats wonderful Amanda. Hope you have much peace, solace and happiness there.

Kay

[lostwoher]

 

PEACE to ALL

Lynn

[summergirl]

D - I am an expert on pamic attack's!!!  The first one I ever had I was 23 years ago when no one seemed to know what they were - then I finally found a doctor who was doing a study on them - I actually thought I was going crazy, sweating, chest pains, hard to breathe etc. - this doctor taught me how to talk myself out of them and I also went to therapy and she helped me and also taught my husband how to help me through them as they mostly happened at night time when it was quiet and every thing seemed to run through the mind. I was on medication for about a year and then was ok until I lost Jessica and they started again - they are few and far between now as I know what to do but when they hit it is a horrible feeling and very scarey. Do as Dee says and breathe slowly in through your mouth and out your nose and use the paper bag.  Good luck my friend and be easy on yourself.

Lynn - You are certainly do have alot on your plate at this time in your life!!  I am glad the funeral home is working with you - most people do. We were very fortunate as my husband is a vounteer fireman and the fire department paid for Jessica's funeral. We were very blessed to have the amount of people and friends who did what they did.    I also understand about the anger at work and the not caring - so very hard to deal with people about every day mundane things when our lives have been altered by our loss. I took 5 weeks off after Jessica passed and when I went back to work I found it was so much different - I had been on the job for 11 years and I just didn't care - I changed to another department and found it to be sooooo much better, less stress and nicer people.  I also had a supervisor who seemed as though she could have cared less what I was going through losing Jessica and I was angry at her all of the time.   You are so early in this journey and as Dee said it will get softer with time, as hard as that is to believe right now - for those of us on this road much further down the line is the proof that we do survive, life goes forward and the intense pain lessens - never goes away - but gets softer. Bless you and take care of yourself.

Lorrie - I have to agree with Bonnie - you do have a unique way of expressing yourself and it makes me smile!!!  God Bless yo.

Tough night with Tavian last night - back to the anger mode - screaming at me, hating me, all of the same words back again. After he calmed down and fell asleep I was exhausted but stayed and watched him sleeping and it suddenly came to me -  a thought - we all watched the movie called Jack Frost last night about the little boy whose father died and he came back as a snowman!!!  Could it have been that the movie set him off about his mommy??  I felt so bad as I love the movie but it made me sad watching it so what must it have done to him!!  A lesson learned for sure. Something for me to be careful of in the future.

Had a good night tonight - I went off by myself to get my nails done - something Jessica and I did every other Thursday night, it was just me and her. I do not let anyone go with me as I take Jessica and tonight as I stopped for gas I was thinking "are you here with me my baby" and just about then the attendent gave me my change and there was a "penny" dated 1979 - her birth year- my answer to my question!!! I smiled through tears all the way home.

Thinking of you Trudi - glad you made the room quiet with your words - Mike is very proud of you my friend.

Peace and love to all, Kathy

[lolynbo]

WHEN IM TYPING ON HERE I "SAY WHAT I FEEL" BUT IN LIFE I DONT...BUT IM LEARNING THE NEXT TIME SOMEONE SAYS ONE OF THOSE OLD SYMPATHY SAYINGS I MAY BLOW MY TOP...NOT EVERONE JUST A "FEW GOOD FRIENDS"  IM REALLY AN EASY GOING PERSON..WHILE WE WERE IN THE HOSP THE 7 MONTHS AND 2 DAYS...YOU KINDS LEARN TO PROTECT YOUR STUFF AND YOUR CORNER...(KINDA LIKE SURVIVOR) AND I GUESS I DID GET ALITTLE IMPATIENT W PPL, MY SISTER WHO TELLS YOU HOW TO JUMP AND WHERE WAS WORRIED ABOUT ME SHE SAID "IM WORRIED YOU USE TO BE SO NICE"....BUT AFTER THAT LONG IT WAS MANOTNISE (SP)...AND YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO..

TODAY IM EATING LUNCH WITH MY FRIEND JENNIFER (SHE TOOK CARE OF MY SON KODY THE WHOLE TIME HE IS 16 WHILE WE WERE AT HOSP) ANYWAY LUNCH THEN  WE ARE GOING TO GO AND PAINT AT THE DHS FOR THE KOURTNEYS KLOSET...(STILL IN THE PROCESS OF GETTING LEGAL)

I MADE IT THROUGH THE 5 MONTH OF LOSING KOURTNEY..NOW I JUST GOTTA GET THROUGH THANKSGIVING..

IVE BEEN TANNING SO I DONT FEEL SO BLAH...GOT A LITTLE COLOR AND I FEEL ALMOST HUMAN...

ETHANS MUFFIN I LEFT YOU A PRIVATE MESSAGE...SO ITS IN YOUR IN BOX..

PRAYING FOR ALL...HAVE A BLESSED DAY

[daniellemom]

Lynn,

I'm glad the funeral home is working with you. I also work in customer service and I went back to work after a week. I work with some wonderful people. I came back to work but I don't think I really worked much at all. It's all too much. Take your time and talk with your supervisor and see what can be worked out. You are in my prayers.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[ericasmom]

Kathy, so glad about the penney, so wonderful that Jessica answered your question, a wonderful way to know that girls-night-out, still is just that, you and YOUR GIRL. I will keep Tavian in my thoughts and prayers, knowing that the struggle within is his, and in time he will find ways to strategize through the hard times. We know that as we grow and change, so does the grief, morphing sometimes into a monster and other times, an old familiar face, something unique to just you. As children grow and change, they have to keep readjusting to how the grief morphs, and how to handle it. WE have a hard enough time, but kids don't have the skills and direction as to how to proceed.Prayers for a peaceful weekend.

Lori, you will get through Thanksgiving, and while it will never be the Thanksgivings of old, it will be your first without your Girl. She will however, be present in her way, and your work toward Kourtney's Closet will help her be present in many lives. What a wonderful way to honor your Daughter.

Michael and Jonathan along with Carol, (michael's sister) and his brothers Pat adn Brian, will meet today with the doctors in Michael's hospital room and discuss the next step. Will he be ready for a stemcell transplant, will he need more chemo? So many unknowns at this time, but one thing sure, Eri is supporting them with her huge heart.

Love,

Dee

[heartbeataway]

lorri,

I don't think you're mean at all ..... you just express yourself in a way that makes me smile.

 Life does get monotonous but then you meet someone that makes you smile and breaks it up a little bit.

Thanks!

Hope you enjoyed your lunch today. I hate to paint so I don't envy that!

Bonnie

[cameronsmom1]

Well i've moved out of the house that I spent my whole pregnancy in and where my sons first room would have been. I have so many mixed emotions with it all. I am sad to leave the only place he was ever with me but also feel as though a weight has been lifted and I feel free. Should I feel guilty about having this feeling?

[mikesmomrs]

Lorri:  I don’t think you’re mean, either.  You say what you are thinking and it is rather refreshing.  I have a sister who does that, and she just doesn’t look back.  She is not ever rude; she just doesn’t give others the opportunity to be rude to her. 

Amanda;  I am also glad that you are in your new house.  I know what that feels like, but I don’t know yet what it’s like to “close on my house.”  I sure hope it happens soon; we just had to fill the propane tank again to keep the heat on and it’s supposed to be cold all weekend and next week snow and a “wintry mix” is expected.  But it is nice to be in the new place, with all it has to offer in ways of comfort and newness.  No, I don’t think you should feel guilty at all about leaving the house…as Dee told me once, you are only leaving the walls, the plaster, the wood; the memories are going with you, and always will. 

Kathy:  So sorry about another night with Tavian’s being upset, but so glad that last night went so well---perhaps things are improving, but it will be slow.  It is a good idea to keep an eye out for movies, stories, etc., that he is exposed to.  And the PENNY!  Oh, my goodness, I know it came straight from you precious Jessica, and I also know just how you feel---such a gift and it just warms your heart, doesn’t it…something that carries you over the rough spots, even if only for a little bit.  I too suffered from panic attacks, and also learned to control them with behavioral training and therapy---behavioral therapy has also helped me to control my migraines, though I don’t get them nearly as often.  I think that is one of the benefits of getting older---at least that’s what I am told. 

Lynn:  So glad the funeral home is being cooperative.  As for the insurance money, I also would let it go…it can likely only bring pain and turmoil, or otherwise they would have mentioned it to you and offered it.  It would bother me also, but I would have to let it go.  But you have to make up your own mind to do what you feel is best for you.  I am glad you are having a “day to yourself,” enjoy! 

­Trudi:  So very happy for you that you had your say…they may not have said anything back, but the quiet was louder than any words could have been.  I am also so, so sorry that you’ve had to go through all this, dragging out the pain, I am sure.  And I also am sure that Mike is very proud of you for standing up for yourself.

Kay:  My friend, your struggles at work make my heart weap;  your “kids” are blessed by your presence. 

As I am sure many of have, I have lived Claudia’s advice to the letter; screamed myself so hoarse, I lost my voice…I finally just gave up when people would ask why I was so hoarse, and I would tell them why…those who cared were very understanding, those who didn’t understand just didn’t care to try.

I wish all a peaceful weekend, no matter the weather wherever you are.  Trudi, you must be enjoying the fullness of spring, or is it summer yet?  Some of us anticipate snow; some have already seen it. I must remember, Dee, to do what you did that first snow, and take a beautiful walk and write Mike’s name in it.

Sleep well all…

love and peace,  carol   mikesmomrs 

[mikesmum]

Well its drop to a breezy 8 celcius today!! (Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr) We have snow on the surrounding hills!!  Won't complain, we haven't had much rain for the past 10 years so  non stop water falling is a much needed blessing.

To those who have or are moving house....its true, the memories are housed forever in your hearts and mind....the building is just that, a building.

Youngest son has be experiencing lower right abdo pain and took himself off to the hospital yesterday.  They dosed him up and sent him on his way with a letter for the doc saying he had 'an acute appendix'.  Suffice to say after a long night he's back in hospital waiting surgery!!!  Can't tell you how high my anxiety levels are.  I know he's okay, I know its just his appendix, but my emotions are all over the place.

Emily Jade is standing here watching me type.  The eldest grandbaby, she knows her grandma inside out!  Waiting for the call from the hospital is not easy!

Take care all of you......Never far from my thoughts.....Trudi

Mike, check in on SJ, you know how he is around hospitals!!!!!!! 

[mikesmomrs]

Trudi:  your son and you and your family are in my prayers and thoughts...I can understand your anxiety level rising...take care, sweet friend.

love and peace, carol  mikesmomrs