Loss of an Adult Child

[heartbeataway]

Lorri,

I have trouble with the Christmas decor, etc. in stores too.  I do very little Christmas shopping now but I do try to get it done and then minimize my time in stores.

As far as courtney and Brent ...... could it be that they don't want to hurt you? 

Bonnie

[ericasmom]

Lorri,

I hate the music in stores that begins before Halloween now. I hated it before ERz died because of the rush to capitalize on Christmas, and it made me sick. But since Erica died, I dislike the music even more, because it just sings of a time that is extra hard for those of us who are missing people. It would be funny to see side-by-side MACYS, one for Regular Folk, one for MOURNERS.

I don't shop for the holidays as I used to, and now with this latest sad time, it will even be less. Jonathan will shut down Christmas completely if left to himself. I will have to give some thought to finding new traditions for us to begin, perhaps we could serve Christmas brunch at a soup kitchen or something like that. I think that Jon will try to burrow in and be alone on days such as Thanksgiving and Christmas. Perhaps having a girlfriend, will pull him out and give him a purpose that will assist him, and he does love our family gatherings with his cousins.

As far as Kourtney's husband...all I can say, and I say it without trying to sound harsh, is that they are extremely young, and mourning is different for younger people. MOving on to him may involve a relationship, it does not mean he didn't love Kourt, it may mean he is young and cannot allow himself to focus his pain any longer. I know it is hard on you, but Courtney the friend and the husband sound like they have found something in this loss that connects them, and there may be comfort in that. I know it sounds like a lot of fluff, but the reality is, that we want our young people to move forward even when met with adversity and pain, and he is. Sometimes the fact athat someone young dies has the affect on their friends that time is indeed short, and I better get on with living because it has been proven that we can die young. Eri's death definitely did that to some of her friends.

I wish you some peace with this, Kourtney will probably leave you some sense of what she thinks...

Peace,

Dee

[mikesmum]

Lorri - Facebook is where many of Mikes friends post.  It is hard to read their adventures and milestones reflecting that their life goes on, but I think it would be harder to think of another life frozen in time. 

As for your son-in-law, well I think Dee is right. While you might see this as a betrayal they might be trying to spare your feelings. 

Mikes ex (Lauren) had begun to move on after they split.  She & Mike remained friends.  She travelled the world this past Winter with her new man.  We had coffee last month and while you could tell how excited she was about their adventure, she kept much to herself.  I told her it was okay, I wanted to hear about Egypt, Cario, Europe etc.....I was actually pleased to see her smile again, she took Mikes death so hard.

As for Mikes partner at the time he died, well she moved on within days/weeks.  Youngest son saw her at a park recently with her new friend.  She bolted for the car.  

Dee - It takes a true act of unconditional love to acknowledge the importance of someone in our lives even when we have take a different journey.  To tell them now before its too late how much their peace and well being means, for them to know they are surrounded by positive energy. Thoughts with you.

For all - The Coroner here was investigating Mikes death.  Many things didn't seem to make sense.   His partner found him unresponsive in the morning waiting 40mins before she called for an Ambulance.  He was on long term, high dose pain meds and its believed that his dose together with congestion from blocked sinuses caused him to go into respiratory arrest.  Essentially he died in his sleep. 

I have fallen backwards today as I read through the pages of the report I have waited 22 months for.  It makes no reference to the lack of care by is partner at the time.  No mention of the $400,000.00 (AU) life policy she has on him for accidental death.  I am digging deep to find the light, warmth and strength to move past this.  Today we have rain, thunder & lightening. 

I am now off to the ocean, even with the storms it seems to calm my spirit and re energise my soul.  My heart, well that's another story.

Take Care all - Trudi

[daveydow1]

Dee,

Oh, dear friend, that is very disheartening news regarding Michael's

illness.  I feel so badly for all of your family.  Jon is no doubt devastated

with the latest news.  Yes, he needs to crumble and cry whenever it

overcomes him. He is indeed a very brave young man. How old is Jon?

Now, my prayers continue for all of you, and that God keeps you in his

care always.

                Daveysmom,    Sherry 

[ericasmom]

Trudi Dear,

Of course you feel you have fallen backwards...reading the report and feeling that sense that they haven't gotton it right. I am sorry Trudi, such hardship.

Sherry, thanks for your thoughts. Michael is still trying to live, taking a new chemo to try to slow the progression down. WE talked today, I called him, and we cried together on the phone, he asked me to help Jonathan through this. I sobbed. He said I should go to his dining room table and look into a dish he has there with seeds in it. He said that the seeds are those that I gave him a few months ago, Holleyhock seeds. He asked that Jon and I spread them about in his garden. We wept. I told him that I would, that I would help with the garden and help Jonathan with anything he needed. I told him that Eri was sitting next to him, and that he could lay his head down and shut his eyes knowing that she was right there. It was hard hanging up, I was afraid to. We talked about being afraid. He said I could come to see him in a few days. It was so sad, when we did hang up, I sobbed very hard. My eyes are swollen and so I will go shut them, but I sure do appreciate the support, the love. Thanks.

Jonathan and his girl came by tonight, my sweet little Boy, doing the best he can to keep up his strength. I am so proud of him.

Peaceful sleep Everyone,

Dee

[mikesmum]

Dee - I am so pleased that you got to speak with Michael.  Tears & fears spoken of might just lessen the burden and allow the chemo to hold off the AML.  One thing that would be harder to take is see my child go through losing his birth father. Best I can offer, hold him, just hold him.  The holyhocks will grow, plant them with love. 

They did get it wrong Dee, but nothing will change the fact Mike is gone.....Stay strong.  Cammomile teabags soothe tired cried out eyes.......Trudi

[johnnysmama]

Awww Dee

I am so sorry that you are going thru such hardship with Michael and Jon. They are both lucky to have you, such a strong, loving person.As hard as it was I am glad you and Michael talked.  I wish you strength, comfort and peace. Plant those seeds of love. Prayers continue for you all. Eri hold your families hands.

 

Trudi-sorry for the inaccurate, upsetting report. Hang in there. You are strong. Mike is with you holding you up. Take care.

[heartbeataway]

Dee,

I'm happy for you....... you and Michael talked. I would guess it's cathartic for him to be able to share his fear. 

Another one of life's blows that's so tough to take or understand.

Hollyhocks in the garden ....... a lovely idea.  And he wants you to plant them for him.

Prayers for healing and strength .......

Trudi,

We got the final court document yesterday.  Jason's estate is officially closed. What is it about a piece of paper that can throw you into a tail spin?  Try not to torture your mind with thoughts that you can do nothing about. I believe in karma and the universe has a way of taking care of the things we can't.

The ebb and flow of our journeys .............

Bonnie

[lolynbo]

I AM BETTER TODAY..WE HAVE A RODEO WITH OUR CHURCH SO I WILL BE BIZZY TODAY....AND HOPEFULLY I GET TO SEE MY OTHER DAUGHTER KIMBERLY TOMARROW...(SHE IS A BIZZY GIRL WE DONT GET TO SEE HER VERY MUCH BUT WE TEXT ALOT AND CHAT  A BIT ON THE PHONE)

I HAD ME A GOOD CHAT AND CRY AT WALMART YEST. RAN INTO A WOMAN THAT HER DAUGHTER (25)HAD A SESUIRE IN THE TUB AND DROWNED...SO WE HAD OUR FEELINGS OUT ALLLLLLL OVER THAT ISLE IN WALMART....SHE WANTS TO JOIN KOURTNEYS KLOSET.....SO THAT IS GOOD AND MAY BE GOOD FOR HER..

YALL HAVE A BLESSED ANGEL FELT DAY

[heartbeataway]

Lorri,

I'm happy that you're having a better day.  I find staying busy is good for me too.

A rodeo at your church?  That sounds interesting! 

Our pups are getting groomed today ........

Bonnie

[lolynbo]

yes we go to a cowboy church...so ie.....we rodeo and bless and save..

[ericasmom]

Bonnie, you wrote;

What is it about a piece of paper that can throw you into a tail spin?  Try not to torture your mind with thoughts that you can do nothing about. I believe in karma and the universe has a way of taking care of the things we can't.

The ebb and flow of our journeys .............

It is such an indescribable sense when you read documents that sequence the events that took your Child's life. How was my Child's life reduced to a document that sits in files in the some dusty office? How is it, that the tragic circumstances of our Losses, can list my Child using Her/His name on this paper just like any other word? How can this paper be a culmination of the events that took them? How can this legal piece of paper be the culmination of His/Her life?   It is something we have all had to face and after facing what we have had to, we are knocked to our knees by the papers that hold facts but not feelings. History but not heart. We know the other sequential events of these sad events, James is writing about them as we wander through the weekend. Pages of our deepest saddest moments, our most life altering times, our transformations and our realizations, confirmations, and our first steps into our new lives. There is no room for that in the thick envelopes that come to our homes on any given day after our Children leave, only the facts, and not always those either, and we refold the papers and replace them into the envelopes as evidence to one small piece of what this loss entails.

We sometimes fall apart after this, and sometimes we don't as we adjust and reallign our senses in order to carry on. The ebb and flow as Bonnie so beautifully said, the ebb and flow. We are rivers then, our source a small trickle as we build our lives and we become bigger and stronger and we twist and throb, we twist and turn through the terrain of life, and we nearly dry up some years, from the circumstances of life around us, but we remember that small little trickle that we began, and we once again find our strength and volume, and we flow, flow, and as rivers do, we feed so many along the way.

Thank you each, for all of the ways you have fed/and feed my spirit, each others spirits. I just came back from a walk, a nice long hour or so in the woods. It is wet and the very picture of NOvember in the midwest. The ducks came out of the slough hoping that I had some nugget of food for them, which I did not. I spoke to them like old friends. I walked then through the forest along the river. I love the forest, the river, it is soul-food. I have always loved the forest floor, the dips and rises left from glaciers moving over the very land my feet gratefully walk. I love the trees that are knawed by beavers, the hole nearby that is the ground entrance into the beaver den. The amazing swirl of history, of life and of renewal and it really brings my thoughts and emotions to all of you. My heart is filled by your stories, by your hearts, and souls, and this place becomes the mouth of the river, where we all blend into something bigger, where our stories, our lives and our paths, have all found their way to this one big place from which we grow.

I am a grateful woman as the sun burst, just this moment from a deep gray sky, and I feel energized again.

Dee

[mikesmum]

What is it about a piece of paper that can throw you into a tail spin?  Try not to torture your mind with thoughts that you can do nothing about. I believe in karma and the universe has a way of taking care of the things we can't.

The ebb and flow of our journeys .............

Bonnie this is so prophetic.  Mikes life, summarised in 3 pages of legal speak.  Its not who he was, its not a true reflection of his loss.

The finality of Jasons estate, another piece of paper signifying the winding down of a life that belies the words contained within. 

Dee, I so get the energising from the Forest and surrounds.  My other half finds his lifes energy the same.  I am a child of the moon.  My energy is by the sea.  Not just a gentle lapping of waves on the beach, but the energy of waves crashing on harsh coastline.  I have been know to sit for many many hours, hypnotised and re energised.

"The ebb & flow of our journeys" - Trudi

[ericasmom]

Trudi, i picture you walking by the wild ocean, the sound and fury filling your spirit, we all have that place that reflects our spirit, mine has always been the forest, in all of its seasons. I think it is interesting that you and Bonnie both received paperwork during the same week, papers that can't possibly tell about that person whose name is after the word; deceased.

So many documents from the railroad, from the city of Kalamazoo, from our lawyers, adn finally we are done with the legal aspect of it all, no more fat envelopes that taunt and threaten my rebuilding self. I was glad to be done, but very happy that we fought for justice where Eri couldn't. But to think that it could be summed up; ridiculous.

Ebb and flow, the beauty of the movement, the image, the sound, the knowing that still there is that.

dee

[heartbeataway]

Dee,

Your words along with Trudi's brought the flow of tears down my cheeks that I managed to stave off day before yesterday when the document arrived. 

As I looked at it and the judges signature, I wondered if they even for a second pondered the name, Jason Michael Holloway, and wondered who he was or how he died.

It made no mention of his age ...... perhaps he thought him older than 31.

Perhaps he just signed and didn't think at all ...........

Something that is such a profound symbol of loss to one, nothing more than a routine moment in a job to someone else.

I also love the forest.  I call them "woods".  Pinnacle Days is nothing more than camping in the woods that Jason loved.  It's the place where he died on a Saturday morning in April.  We go back in Fall.  His birthday in October to celebrate his life.  And we both felt that energy that you talk about.  It's a little piece of happy instilled in our spirits.

We actually had someone ask why we would want to surround ourselves with the place where he died. We rented an RV for the weekend.  How could we do that?  Jay was in a rented RV when his heart stopped.

It's because of his love of the outdoors that we can.  What better way to celebrate his life?  Doing what he loved, in a place that he loved with people that he loved and that loved him? 

We journeyed up to The Pinnacle where his memorial cross is.  The place where we scattered his ashes.  I attached a small leather dream catcher this year to this cross. He would have liked that. Rich and I wrote birthday wishes on rocks and left them by his cross.  We noticed that someone had cleared away the leaves and that other messages were there.

We had the ashes of two family pets that we planned on having scattered with ours one of these days.  We took them and scattered them there on the mountain where Jason's were scattered. Jason grew up with Marley and Cody and it just seemed like the right thing to do.

By the way, I forgot to share that I gathered rocks to write the names of your (our) children on. It was raining and my marker seemed the same color as the rocks.  My intent was to form a "circle of love" with the rocks.  I have a plague that sits on an easel that has the word LOVE on it.  It was displayed at Jason's memorial service.  I put that in the middle of the circle of rocks.

It just didn't work.  You couldn't see the names on the rocks.

So, I had some candles.  I wrote as many names as I could on the glass candles and placed those around the plague.

We needed the light from the candles in the area where we were serving so I moved  them back.  It sparked so many questions about the kids.  Who was Eri?  Micheal?   Joey? Jessica? Michael? etc ......

I was able to share your children with different ones.......... and tell them about my friends, which would be each one of you.

Once I get my camera (!!) from Virginia, I hope to be able to share pictures. It wasn't a fancy tribute, but I did remember and I did include our (your) children in Pinnacle Days. Their light glowed for hours as the candles burned.

What would we do without our memories?

Bonnie

[mikesmum]

Bonnie - How true.  I read the typed notes.  The began with "RE: The Late Micheal Shane Hendrie". I appreciate that their job would be harder if they personalised it.  But to acknowledge somewhere that Mike was a young man, someones something special might have lessened the coldness of that final document.

*Micheals dog was named Cody.......

It's funny how we speak of our kids, 'Jason, Micheal, Michael, Jess, Brian, Joey, Eri, Danielle, Danny, Michelle, Davey, Johnny, Bobbi'and many more.  When I bought the balloons this past June, the shop assistant offered to help attach the tags with pictures of all our babies.  As we worked, I spoke of each as though I had know them.  I spoke of you all as though I knew you personally.  She cried as she looked at their faces, amazed at how young they all were.........

Off today to speak with Steven about the Coroners outcome.  He and Melissa have been waiting to hear for such a long time.  He will take it hard, he still struggles daily with losing his big brother.  I will see Melissa later this week.  It is never going to be easy - hard to be the 'strong mother' explaining things I can't understand.........

Dee - Stay strong.........The forest certainly does bring oxygen and energy to our lives....

Trudi

 

[ericasmom]

Oh Trudi, I forgot about the balloons, how lovely a thought. And Bonnie, the candles with our Kids names and the connections they made at the Pinnacle, splendid. I feel as you both, that these wonderful souls are well known in my heart, and I speak of them to others as well, the lessons they each can offer to the world. Thank you both for including so many of our Children in the memorials and celebrations of your Boys' lives.

Bonnie, I hope the tears that you staved off, fed your spirit, making you feel lighter. I know that a long hard cry is a rinsing off for my heart that gets laden with grime and clutter.

Trudi, how is the weather today? I tell my students that I have friends very far away, and I show them on the map where you and Claudia live. They are interested in the idea of being so far from home.

Peace out All, must make some dinner,

Dee

[heartbeataway]

We had Chinese food for dinner.  The fortune in my cookie said:

[align=center]"We must always have old memories and new hopes."

[align=left]I liked that.

Bonnie

[/align][/align]

[mikesmomrs]

all of those things that have been done...the balloons, the rocks (attempts), and the candles with the names on them, so loving, so caring.  Yes, I, too, relate stories of our angels to those I speak to, but especially to my husband and daughter.  I feel as you all do, that they are part of my life, and part of my continuation.

I loved your fortune cookie, Bonnie, such good words for all of us..  The very first time that our daughter Cathi ventured into a Chinese restaurant after Mike died (almost a year, because of the association of Mike with the restaurant because of his passion for Chinese food), after they finished eating, she opened a fortune cookie and it read "younger brother" for the Chinese "word(s) for the day" lesson.   Cathi is Mike's older sister.  She still has the paper from the fortune cookie.   (I have corrected this from my earlier post of saying "My brother," as I remembered it was "younger brother." )

This week has truly exhausted me.  Emotionally and physically.  I keep pushing myself on, because I can't stand it when things are in chaos, but I can't keep going like I used to do, so, things are going slowly and boxed remain a mystery as their lids remain closed.  I am following the advice I've been given by all of you, though, and taking it easy now and then and just putting a book in front of my face so I don't see it!

I check in every day, and still have you and your family in my prayers, Dee, just as I have everyone here.  I loved your walk through the woods, but I am balanced by Trudi's sitting by the raging sea... both are balm to my soul, in torment or joy. 

love and peace,   carol  mikesmomrs

[heartbeataway]

both are balm to my soul, in torment or joy.

Carol,

I liked the words you wrote .......

I have to admit that I've never been close to a raging sea but it doesn't sound comforting.........  I'm sure the picture in my mind is different than what you (Trudi) sit by!

I wish everyone comforting sleep tonight.....

Love!

Bonnie

[ericasmom]

Carol, one thing sure, those boxes can wait, and Lord knows they will. Please, let them and let your mind and body find some relaxation. What book are you reading right now? I am reading, The Magicians Assistant, and it is very well written. A good story that helps me get away from my own for a while at a time.

Bonnie, how wonderful to receive such a powerful message in your forturne cookie. It is a reflection of all you were saying to us. Oh i love those wonderful messages.

Be well Everyone, sleep and dream with peace in mind.

[ericasmom]

Claudia, where are you? Just want to make sure that you are okay.

dee

[heartbeataway]

Dee,  remember that Claudia is entertaining forty men this weekend.  Another retreat .....

Wow!

Continued prayers for Michael, Jon, you and and everyone ........

[heartbeataway]

This is the first picture I've seen from Pinnacle Days ....

This was taken Sunday morning.  We had started breaking up camp and I remembered to get a picture with the banner.  We missed a lot of folks but I still love this picture!

Bonnie

[mikesmomrs]

Bonnie:  Really beautiful...so much love jumping off the picture... I know some would say the haze is smoke from the fire or the morning mist lifting, but my guess would be Jason's spirit, lingering for the last moments of joyous sharing.  So moving.  love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Bonnie, what a gorgeous photo, and I agree with Carol, he is surrounding all of you with his giagantic spirit. So pretty. Are you in this photo Bonnie?

Oh, I think that I must be in another world, I have no recollection of Claudia being on a retreat, worrisome that I don't remember, perhaps it has to do with too much going on here.

Today is a soup day. I made two vats of chicken barley vegetable soup. One for us, one for JOnathan and his Girl and buddies. Jonathan and I are big soup lovers. His Dad is too, and when he was recooperating from chemo last summer, I brought him homemade soup. I love it no matter the season, myhusband makes fun of me, saying I am the only person he knows that makes kettles of soup in July. But today is really a soup day, the sky is lead gray, the wind is very brisk and cold, the Bears lost, and everyone we know is either coughing or sneezing. The soup will be better tomorrow, sitting for a day, so I still need to come with something for tonight.

Michael's white counts are dropping, a good thing, from the chemo they began administering on Wednesday. Carol, his sister, flew in today from Plymouth, Mass. I have not spoken with her yet, but look forward to knowing she was able to see her Brother.

Peace and good dinners,

Dee

[heartbeataway]

Dee,

Rich and I are the second and third from the left. I'm right behind the "CE" on the banner I have on a white jacket top and he has on a khaki shirt.  We were so ready for a hot shower and change of clothes!  This banner was hanging on the Pavilion at the park where everyone gathered after Jason's Memorial Service.

The raised arms are a tribute to Jason.  He had a habit of doing it when group pictures were taken. It's also mentioned in the poem I wrote for his first birthday away...... our first Pinnacle Day's gathering.....

[align=center]We’ll lift our arms to feel close to you

We’re going to say your name out loud

We’ll close our eyes and see your smile, remember the twinkle in your eye

We’ll feel your presence in the air and listen for your laughter in the wind.

[/align]

I'm a soup lover also and I feel like you, it's not just a winter  or cold weather meal.  My husband has almost turned against soup because of me .......

My favorite is vegetable soup, no meat.

It's could to hear that the blood count is changing for the good. A visit from his sister is sure to lift the spirits!

Take good care,

Bonnie

[mikesmum]

Bonnie - such energy, such vibrance!  Really makes a statement - Gone never ever forgotten.

Dee - Go with the soup.  My daughter does just that, day long soup making!  Hope the white count signals a surrender from the cancer!

Trudi

[ericasmom]

Trudi, I did, I didn't make anything else after all, the soup smelled good enough to eat, and we did, though it is missing something I cannot put my finger on. Tomorrow it will taste better as the flavors sit adn meld. It makes me think of Eri, who hated breakfast and was never hungry in the morning. Well, she was not a great student as it was, and sending her off to school without breakfast was goofy, since she needed some proteing of some sort to help her stay awake. So one morning, I opened a can of Beef Barley, Campbells. I woke her and she said, "I smell soup" and she ate the whole can before school. NOw I cannot say it made any difference in the grades but at least she ate somehting before school. Some days it was a sandwhich, others, spaghetti, and then of course, soup.

Bonnie, I wondered if that was you, a very similar smile to Jason. A loving sparkle. I love that poem, and it seems he was raising his hands toward the heavens.

Yes, we are happy that perhaps Michael will feel a bit better. Maybe he will eat something as his appetite has diminished. Prayers.

Peace to all,

Dee

[daveydow1]

Bonnie,

Oh, what a nice "fortune" in your cookie. I hang on fiercely to the

memories also.  After all, it's all we have of our dearly beloved

children who have passed over. Many memories make us cry,

and also make us smile. We will keep them close to our hearts

forever, won't we?   Peace be with you.

                        Daveysmom,  Sherry

p.s.  Great photo of Pinnacle Days.

[daveydow1]

Dee,

Good to hear that Michael's white count is going down. I will continue

to pray for him, Jon and you.

I'm also a soup-maker. My husband dearly loves his chicken soup----

especially when it's cold outside, as it has turned to lately. Indian

Summer is now over, so it's time to get out the soup pot.

Peace & prayers.

                             Sherry 

[lostwoher]

I am so glad to hear of Michaels white count dropping. Thats a good sign.

Did somebody say soup? Bring it on! Nothing better than that for a cold Illinois  day, thats for sure.

Great picture of pinnacle days. Smoke? I dont see smoke. That would be Jason's spirit raised above everyone. Simply magical.

Another long work Monday for me. Wishing everyone well. Be safe and warm.

Lynn

[heartbeataway]

I'm having a weird morning.  At a low point of understanding I guess. I'm homesick ...

I actually wrote another posting and our internet connection failed or something and I thought I copied it but it didn't work.  I don't have the words again so I can't express my feelings.

I'm sending a link to a song that I relate to.  You'll understand why I say I'm homesick when you hear it ........

Bonnie

[daniellemom]

Everyone,

I havn't posted in a while but continue to think of you all.

Dee special prayers for Michael, Jon and you! I requested special pray at church last Sunday and again yesterday.

Bonnie,

I know what you mean about homesick. My prayers are with you also, such great pictures of Jason's day!

Carol,

Take it easy and relax the boxes will wait a while any way!

Love to everyone!!

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[johnnysmama]

Bonnie

Love the banner and the uplifted arms to your baby. So sweet. Thank you for thinking of our kids and including them with the celebration of Jason's life. The love circle is soooo sweet. The love for them is what keeps us going. I appreciate Trudi's balloons, your candles, Greg's video all the remembering of our kids-its what we have. Love the song-makes me cry everytime. Going home...

 

Dee

Glad about Michaels blood count. Thank you for keeping us posted.

[ericasmom]

Bonnie Dear, the moon is almost full, so perhaps the weird start to the day is that. I am listening to the song you sent us while I write this, it is very pretty, and melancholy fills me. Music is so necessary to help us voice our ache some days, as though a musician was sitting with us as we cried our way through the times, capturing our despair, and our attempt at repair. As the song sings,' won't you give me strength to make it through somehow...

Thanks Kay, good news for Michael, the chemo is helping more than I thought, his vision is improving and his counts are a bit further down than yesterday. Michael's sister flew in as I said, and she saw him today. She said his color was not good, but his voice was stronger, his attitude was brighter, he was able to read the paper, which he could not do three days ago. Continue to pray if you will and thanks so much for all of the combined energy that you have given through your prayers. I hope that I will continue to bring good news.

Be well Everyone, and look skyward at the moon, she holds a great many wishes in her light.

Dee

[lostwoher]

Here i sit, another cold dark night, alone. All is going well until I look over my shoulder and see the most precious picture of my daughter sitting ontop of the fireplace. Tears racing down my face only for the sobbing to begin. I reach for my phone only to be reminded that she isnt taking calls where she is at.

How do any of you get thru this mess? There are constant reminders of Kayla everywhere. Mostly in my mind but the good thoughts keep getting pushed away from the ugliness of that dreadful nite. It hurts so much not being able to be with her.

Think I may go for a walk to find that star that i know is her.

Just having a bad nite. Thanks for listening.

     Love, Peace & Happiness to ALL,

                  Lynn

[ericasmom]

DEAR Sweet Lynn,

Your beautiful Daughter is holding you on this very rough night. How did we all get through this? We are still in it, not that far from where you are tonight, and yet it was a lifetime ago. Each day takes you one day further away from the awful night that flung you into this life. And each day takes you one day further into the journey that will deliver you to a softer path one day. The path is very bumpy now, one day though, it won't be quite as bad. You are at a point in time that is just plain ache and lonliness. Lynn, one thing most of us here do know is that it will change, and there will be more nights like tonight, but there will also be nights with laughter, and with hope for other things. One day you will look forward to activities and events again, but not now, why would you?  Be good to yourself because that is what Kayla would demand. Allowing your tears, your sobs is important,  not a sign of weakness, it is instead the road you are traveling, our tears are the path. They lead us to the next day, and while we don't know when we will have a day without the tears, it does not matter, what matters is that you see the changes over time. Some day in the not so distant future, you will look back and see how far you have climbed. Your Girl will be cheering for you, and you will see that you have worked hard to get to this new point. Will we ever be not sad aboutthis? Nope, we will all, always have tears at the ready, but I promise you that it won't always feel as it does tonight.

Don't forget Lynn, that you have also moved and that causes a great upheavel in emotions, packing and unpacking cherished things...hard to do. As far as the memories invading your days and nights, I had that too, everyone here has had that. I went to therapy at around the 6 month mark because I was afraid of the memories of that night would become more powerful than the life my Son lives in and more powerful than th estudents I teach and worst of all, more powerful than the wonderful memories of my Girl, Erica. I had to get assistance to help me let go of some of the memories of her accident, the call, the drive, the hopsital. Letting them go will never make them go away, just gave me what I needed to be in more control of the memories, and in doing so, I wa able to remember more of the good. Lord knows we will never forget the life altering moments that brought us here...but will we ever forget the first time that Child laughed, or walked, or skated, or spoke her first words? Will anything take the memory of her receiving her diploma? Those are the good thoughts that there will be more room for once you are able to let some of the constant replay end. I used to feel, when it was all new to me, that if I let the bad memories soften, then my good memories would too. I found this to be untrue, by letting the negative go somewhat, I was albe to usher in more good.

Just give yourself a hug from me Lynn, and let your Daughter know that you will do your personal best to live a good life to honor your Girl.  Peace,

Dee

[lolynbo]

WE WENT TO COUNCELING LAST NIGHT.FOR THE 3RD TIME...AND I TOOK MY SHOW AND TELLS

PICTURE OF KOURTNEY (MOST PPL NEW HER FROM WALMART)

HER CLASS RING I FOUND

HER COAT I HAD HER NAME PUT ON AND IN MEMORY OF

AND THE BESTEST ONE, I THINK YET...IS I TOLD THEM ABOUT THE TENNIS SHOES I HAD ON.."MY KOURTNEY SHOES"

I WENT TO NIKE.COM AND I SPECIAL ORDERED THEM..ANY COLOR ANY SIZE MANY STYLES...AND THEY SAY "KOURTNEY" ON THE SIDES...IT TAKES 3 TO 4 WEEKS AND MINE WERE 120$, BUT OH SO WORTH IT....I ONLY WEAR THEM OCCASIONALLY...BUT EVERYONE SAID THEY WERE SHOPPING TODAY FOR THEIR PAIR FOR THEIR BABIES...

ITS CALLED NIKE.COM AND GO TO NIKE ID....PICK OUT YOUR BABIES FAV COLORS AND PUT THEIR NAME ON IT...AND YOU CAN HAVE YOUR SPECIAL PAIR OF SHOES...I JUST LOVE THEM

 

ALSO I TOLD THEM ABOUT THE FINGERPRINT NECKLESS..ALOT OF FUNERAL HOMES TAKE THE THUMB PRINT OF EVERYONE THAT COMES IN TO THE FUNERAL HOME, AND KEEP THEM ON FILE FOR EVER....AND THERE IS A NECKLESS YOU CAN ORDER WITH THEIR FINGERPRINTS....ALSO AT FUNERAL HOME (MOST) WELL I CALLED OURS AND HE DOES NOT DO IT, BUT SAID HE WOULD START...COURSE THAT DOESNT HELP ME, BUT IT WILL SOMEONE ELSE..

THESE ARE JUST IDEAS I HAD FOR OUR SELVES FOR THE HOLIDAYS...SOMEHOW WE WILL MAKE IT THROUGH....LYNN I FEEL JUST LIKE YOU...SO HOLD ON...WE GOTTA MAKE IT....

LOVE TO ALL

 

WHERE ITS BLURRY THATS WHERE IT SAYS KOURTNEY ON THE SHOES

[heartbeataway]

Lorri,

Thanks for sharing the ideas.

Bonnie

[ericasmom]

LOVE the shoe idea, what a great way to walk forward on this path...

[lostwoher]

Ok so, I went for my walk last night but of course there wasnt one single star shining through. I chalked it up as the angels being busy with other souls. I gathered myself together and took a looong hot shower. That seemed to help.

Today is much better. We finally traded in my gas washer/dryer for an electric one which means I get to spend my day off of work to do more work. LOL. So nice not having to use a laundromat now. Ahhhh the comfort of home.

I really like the idea of the shoes and of the thumbprint. Whoever thought of that is brilliant. Ive been searching around online to find the 'perfect memorial jewelry' but not much luck. Almost certain the funeral home didnt do that here but I will get the suggestion to them. Thanks for the info on something that can be so soothing to hold.

Like I said, lots to do today so do take care and thank you for the encouraging words. It does help to know there are others who really do understand the 'downfall'.

Hugs!     

              Lynn

[ericasmom]

Lynn, I wear a necklace that I received on the 6 month anniversary of ERI leaving. It has the Chinese characters ingraved for beautiful daughter and EER ingraved along the edge of one of the characters. Erica Eileen Reith. I wear it always, and the chain has broken twice, this last time i replaced the chain. It is dear to me, wearing ERi each day.

dee

[heartbeataway]

When we were making Jason's funeral arrangements, we purchased a pendant that holds some of his ashes.  It's in the shape of a teardrop.

My husband never wore a necklace before.  Only his wedding ring and watch.  Now he wears the necklace everyday.

When I'm longing for Jason, I find myself reaching for my necklace.........

[johnnysmama]

Lorri-Love the shoe idea-you have so many creative ideas.

 

Lynn

Hang in there with us. You are going to have those moments, days, hours but you will make it-you will make because of your child and your love for them. Know we are here, listening and understanding. Take care and listen to Dee. She is very wise and helped me through my darkest moments and still does. Everyone here does.

 

Wishing you some peaceful moments,

Kay

[ericasmom]

That is lovely Bonnie, a friend of mine has a similar necklace.

I just realized my spelling is awful from my last post...oh well, a dayoff for Veterans Day. I went to the local ceremony this morning, it was moving as always.

Peace on a very cold and cloudy day,

Dee

So glad Lynn, that today is a better day.  A good book for many, A Broken Heart Still Beats by two women, McCracken and Semel.

[lostwoher]

Now thats a poem I can relate to!

I just remembered that I had my sis cut a small piece of Kayla's hair while she styled it. Maybe I can have a pendant made to hold it for me. Now if I can just remember where I put it- lol. The teardrop sounds like a good idea. I will keep checking around til I find the perfect piece. Im thinking about doing something like that for her boyfriend and brother but not sure if thats a good idea. I dont want the bf ( Brian ) to think I am 'pushing' too much for him to remember her all the time. Not that I think he would ever forget. He is trying to move on with his life but I just want him to know its a gift from me to him to show that I know he loved her as much as I did. A co-worker is having a bracelet made for me from the flowers that were sent and some type of necklace Travis can hang from his rearview car mirror. I still have some of the flowers sitting in the garage. They are all dried up but I cant get rid of them. Its like having her here in my new apt and she can come and go as she pleases

[daveydow1]

Lorrie,

  Great idea with the shoes.

 

Lynn,

I am sorry you are having such a rough time right now. Yes, these moments

have a way of coming back to hurt us so much----even more than we are

hurting already.  I also find that a nice walk, a shower, or baking something

can help ease the pain. Of course, BI is always a major way of venting and

knowing that everyone here knows, and understands exactly what we are

going through. No need for trying, in vain, to explain how we feel----everyone

KNOWS.  Take good care of yourself, and may Kayla's smile be the light that

shines down on you, and makes you smile in turn.

                  Daveysmom,    Sherry  

[ericasmom]

Kay, being termed wise, by you, is an honor. My thanks, and my reminders to you too, that your words have helped me and many others since you arrived here.

Peace and honor to you as we say thank you and pay our respects to our veterans. Your Son smiling at us in uniform reminds us the courage and the love of country he has.

dee

[heartbeataway]

Lynn,

Could you make  potpourri from the flowers in your garage?

I didn't get  or think to keep flowers from Jay's memorial.  The arrangement that his picture was in had twigs and I kept those.  Someone told me it might be a good idea to make a cross from them.

They are in storage in Virginia and once we get settled there, I will decide how to use them.

Stars have become a theme in our life since his death.  We had the line from Romeo and Juliet,

 "And when he shall die, take him and cut him up in little stars, and he will make the face of heaven so fine that all the world will fall in love with night ..... "

added to his obituary.

We have been given numerous stars that adorn different spaces in our home and since we live just North of Dallas, it works!

I don't think that Jason would want us to make our home a shrine to him so I've tried to honor how I know he would feel and to keep things such that if he came to the house, he wouldn't shake his head and wonder what I was thinking ........

On another note ........

When I was coming home from the grocery store today there were yellow ribbons tied to trees, fences, lamp posts, telephone poles, etc.... all the way down one street.  There was a sign welcoming home two service people.  I ended up crying all the way home with thoughts of how many ribbons I would put up if Jason could come home .........

Love!

Bonnie