Loss of an Adult Child

[heartbeataway]

daniellesbrother,

I would be happy to help you with your paper. My email is  luckyladyb@verizon.net.

Bonnie  (Jason's Mom)

[hotrod]

Hello Everyone

 

I have not posted in a few weeks but I have been reading and gaining some peace and strength from reading your responses   The depth of compassion expressed here has somehow inspired me to try to move forward.  Last time I posted I needed to stop smoking and participate in an exercise program in order for my health to improve.  I was not motivated to do either.  At you wise suggestions I have joined a group of parents with loss and have been using the stip smoking patch for a few weeks.  My visits to the gym have gone from none to 2 a week and I also occasionally slop and smoke once in a while.  From reading your kindness to each other I have decided to be kind to myself and if I cannot do it perfectly I will give myself credit for trying and keep on trying and not give up.  Thank you for giving me a small door of hope that even if I will forever miss my son and life will never be the same, I can still try to live as he would have wanted and honor him in that way.

I am very new to this but if I could answer any question you might have regarding the loss of a adult child my email is bbakingnyny@aol.com

 

Thank you all.

[lolynbo]

james,

get a big pad of paper and several pens....email me at

lolynbo@yahoo.com

my story/hell is on my profile on here if you want to read it

good luck james...im so sorry about your beautiful sissy danielle...my kimberly would be good for you to talk to....she is on my myspace page...

[lolynbo]

I JUST WANT TO SAY....LOOK AT ALL OUR PICS WE PUT UP HERE ON THIS WEBSITE OF OUR BABIES......

GOD DOES ONLY TAKE THE BEST.....WE ARE AWESOME, WE GAVE GOD THE BEST....WHO CAN ALL SAY THAT.....

[dansmama]

I am pretty new here. My beautiful 20 year old son went to heaven suddenly on July 24, 2008. You are right on with your comment about the kindness on this board. that's exactly what it is. Long after others think we should be "getting on" with our lives, this group is here for us - listening with open hearts.

My son was my encourager and I know that he is happy that I found this group and I can actually say that my heart is a little lighter for it. I say a little lighter because only we can truly understand what a heavy heart means - what about a heart ripped open? When I think back to the nightmare of those first days I wonder how I moved. Now we have so many questions but when we see our babies again we won't need to ask - it won't matter. I know the Lord is with me because I am able to get up in the morning. there were days I didn't think I could. God is still good.

[ericasmom]

To Hotrod and to Danasmom,

both so new to this change, this sadness. Yes, a heart ripped in two, and yet it still beats, we are still here, why? We don't know, we don't get to know, and so we do as we encourage you to do; live your best life in honor of your angel child. When I am feeling very out of sorts, I remember what Eri would have me do, and it is what I would have her do if the tables were turned; take excellent care of yourself! I would want for her what she wants for me, and what your children want for each of you. Keep it up, exercising and trying to slow down smoking, be kind to yourself, pat yourself on the back for your steps, they are very difficult ones to take. Yes, you got out of bed and you didn't know if you could, is very much what we have all felt/feel, and so when we do something that we struggle with, feel good, be proud, and when we fall back and find ourselves two steps back, remember, it is part of this path, but some day it will not be as hard. I am so sorry for the events that brought everyone to this place, and I am so grateful for this place.

I have found how to live and breathe and and hear the birds and see the sunrise which all fell away when Erica died five years ago, but she urged me on, and a few months after she left, I was able to see beauty in the world again, knowing that she is still with me, just differently. She will always be with me, and me with her and that gives me great comfort.

Michael was transported to NOrthwestern Medical Center in Chicago today. He is settling in and tomorrow the doctors will have a meeting with Jonathan and Michael about the next step. More prayers and thanks for them.

Dee

[daveydow1]

daniellesbrother,

I would like to help if I can.......my email is:

   coaltownsg@yahoo.com

          Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

daniellesbrother,

I would like to help if I can.......my email is:

   coaltownsg@yahoo.com

          Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Dee,

 I'm still praying for Michael and Jon. May God give them strength.

             Sherry

[ericasmom]

Thanks Sherri,

they need the positive energy that comes from this miraculous place, from wonderful people like you. Jon is very tired but is home now and hopefully sleeping. His sleep is never solid, so I hope that tonight both he and Michael are able to sleep soundly.

And may you all sleep soundly as well, with a sense of goodness in your bones.

dee

[mikesmum]

James & Sherri - I would be happy to answer questions for your paper.  They say.The loss of an adult child somehow is supposed to be easier than losing a small child, not true, not true.  My email - hendrie_trudi@optusnet.com.au

Dee - I have been directed to a website that is updated daily.  This is primarily in the States.  http://www.centerwatch.com/patient/studies/cat660.html  This shows the current studies and options avail.  I think the closest to you in IL is in Indiana.   Regardless, with any clinial trial Michael needs to met the profile.    Regardless, my thoughts are always with you and yours, hoping sleep visits you all, allowing time for rest and regeneration for the upcoming days.

To those who have recently found themselves here, my heart goes out to you in these early days.  Nothing on the planet makes sense, no answers given will be enough to quiet the heart and mind. But come often, knowing that this is the one place you can just be........

Greg - "Four years today.What can a Dad say? I'm still here and your still gone.Until we meet again, So true, so true.  Tried to access the link, can only access the website not the video........comes up with HTTP 500 Internal Server Error....any suggestions....

 

[mikesmomrs]

In the crazy world I am now inhabiting of looking for everything I need amidst the myriad of boxes and chaos that surrounds me, I just wanted you all to know that in the wee hours of the morning, I come here for a moment of peace, and find it.  In the middle of the painful feelings and memories entered here, is the wonderful love and caring of all of us for each other.  Reading of the comfort you are extending to each other, as you have to me as well, but most especially right now to Dee and her family, warms me, calms me, and lifts me.  I too am praying for your family Dee, and join the stream of love being sent to you, Jon and Michael. 

To all who are new since my last posting (which seems like weeks ago!), I feel such sadness that you have a need to be here, but also feel such pride in being part of such a wonderful family of caring, loving people such as those here, who our angels have led us all to....each other.  I am so very sorry for your losses, and apologize for not addressing each of you individually right now, but please know that you are in my prayers, along with everyone here, each day.

As for our move, overall, it has gone well.  Two of my bureau drawers fell out onto the driveway at the new house as they were taking the bureau out of the truck and things were scattered everywhere, including my underwear!  ---we are still finding earrings, and other small bits here and there each time we go out to get in the car, lol!   However, I did think before hand to take out my "good" jewelry and some mementos of Mike's, and transport that myself, so what is lost is likely never to be missed.  The moving guys were really sweet and otherwise very careful and helpful, so some gorilla glue and some patience will put the broken drawers back together and we take comfort in that nothing major was lost or broken.   Thank you , all for your prayers and words of support throughout this "event."  Being retired and having more time to do everything has really helped, I think, as of course all our other moves (27 moves during the time we were in the air force!) came during times when I was working full time. 

Got to get back to trying to make some order out of my chaos, and then take time to vote.  Thinking of you all, and especially your Jon and Michael, Dee.

Sonya:  At some point over the next day or so, I will go onto the "Questions" post of your son, James, and answer his questions. 

love and peace, all,   carol  mikesmomrs

[briansdad]

TRUDI,

IF YOU GO TO THE WEB SITE CLICK ON THE LITTLE VIDEO CAMERA ON THE RIGHT THAT HAS THE TITLE BK. IT SHOULD LET YOU VIEW IT.

GREG

[ericasmom]

thanks so much Trudi,

as of yet, I've heard nothing about the meeting today...I am praying for hopeful news. I am very nervous/ agitated. I will keep you posted on any developments, I so hope to report good news.

Carol, it must be very draining to unpack after packing. I laughed when you said your dresser drawer fell out and it was your under garments...ain't it the way? Can't be the jeans right?

Mike is holding you close, proud of you at every turn.

Peace,

Dee

[daveydow1]

Mikesmomrs, Carol,

I so relate to all your hassle with moving. I moved here over a year

ago, and am still hunting for something I can't find, now & then.  Oh,

the Joys of moving !!, right?  It does all fall into place after awhile.

Lots of luck.

            Daveysmom,  Sherry    

[daveydow1]

Dee,

I understand how you are feeling anxious and worried and agitated

all at the same time, with Michael so ill, and dear Jonathan keeping

his vigil at his father's bedside.  3 yrs. ago we had a very bad scare

with our youngest daughter being in the hospital with abdominal pain

and projectile vomiting when she was 5 mo. pregnant. Turns out she

had a bowel obstruction, and had to undergo surgery to repair it. She

was sick for a time after the surgery, but recovered, and the baby boy

was delivered full-term and was/is fine. What a lot of praying we did

in that ordeal.  I am continuing to pray for Michael. I'm sure that Jon's

presence helps him so much.  Peace & tranquility, friend.

                       Daveysmom,  Sherry

[cameronsmom1]

Just wanted to share this poem I found with everyone

God’s Lent Child.

“I’ll lend you for a little while

A child of mine” God said –

For you to love the while he lives

and mourn for when he’s dead.

It may be six or seven years

or forty two or three

but will you, till I call him back,

take care of him for me?

He’ll bring his charms to gladden you

and, should his stay be brief,

you’ll have his nicest memories

as solace for his grief.

I cannot promise he will stay,

since all from earth return

but, there are lessons taught below,

I want this child to learn.

I’ve looked the whole world over,

in my search for teachers true,

and from the things that crowd life’s lane

I have chosen you.

Now will you give him all your love,

nor think the labour vain,

nor hate me when I come to take

this lent child back again?

I fancied that I heard them say,

“Dear Lord Thy Will Be Done”

for all the joys thy child will bring

the risk of grief will run.

We’ll shelter him with tenderness,

we’ll love him while we may,

and for the happiness we’ve known

forever grateful stay.

But, should thy Angels call for him

much sooner than we planned,

we’ll brave the grief that comes

and try to understand

 

[summergirl]

Hello to all - I welcome the new comers to this road we all travel with a heavy heart, so happy you have found this sight, so sad that for the reason you did.

Carol - moving!!! I cannot even imagine beginning after 23 years in my home - the things that I would have to pack and sort through - wow.  Sorry about your "under garments" finding their way to the street!! Sorry to laugh but it is good for the soul!!

Dee - praying and thinking of Micheal and Jon every day - you have such strength, you have always amazed me with your way with words - wish I could do the same for you.

Tough couple of days with Tavian - total meltdowns and I believe the reason is being at his other grandmothers - he has been there two weekends in a row after not being there all summer and it seems to have taken him backwards. We had a talk with him and he said he "never wants to go there again" and when I ask him why he just says "I want to stay home with you and pop-pop".  It is so hard to see him so upset and the anger comes out full force so I am going to have to do some thinking on the whole thing. I would keep him home all of the time but the problem is if any thing should happen to Barry and I he would be living with his other grandmother so I need to let him go there but on the other hand it is upsetting him so much it breaks my heart. I am taking him back to therapy to see if she can figure things out as I cannot do this on my own.

Tired tonight after such a tough few days so will post a couple of new pictures and say good night to all - much love and prayers, Kathy

[cameronsmom1]

Please keep me in your thoughts tomorrow. My angel baby, Brayden, would have been 7 months tomorrow.

Amanda

[mikesmum]

Dee - One thing I always impressed on the patients at Peter Mac was to write down any questions they had. If the language or terms seemed foreign, ask the practictioners/clinicians to explain themselves.  It really goes along way to being an informed patient.  In many cases it gives power back to those who otherwise feel they have lost all power and control over their lives.   Stay strong, energy to you always.

Carol - Its always the undies draw and never for the size 0-6 group I am guessing!!! 27 moves with a family - Lady you have more strength than you know!!

Thanks Greg, its when I click the camera icon that the msg comes up....will continue to try.....

Trudi:cool:

[ericasmom]

God Bless you all, thanks for the information Trudi, the prayers and hope go a long way to blessing my family. I am deeply grateful. I find so much strength through the kind hearts in this place/

Thanks Sherri, Kathy, Carol, Bonnie and Everyone for your prayers for Michael and Jonathan. I have no news tonight other than tomorrow the doctors will reveal their plans.

pretty poem Cameron's Mom, and may tomorrow bring some special sense of your little Boy.

Peace to You All,

Dee

[mikesmomrs]

amanda:  thinking of you today...may you feel the presence of your sweet Brayden surround you with comfort.

Dee:  thanks for the update...hugs.

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[bbarbie55]

daniellesbrother you can e-mail me at bbarbie55@yahoo.com and I will help if I can my daughter was in her twenties when I lost her.

Deb

[heartbeataway]

Sending you strength Amanda ...... each anniversary grips our heart.......

Continued prayers for Michael, Jonathan and you Dee ........  strength and comfort....

Those wanting to help daniellesbrother with his paper.......

When you open Loss of A Child, there is a topic titled Questions.  Click on that and you will find the questions James would like you to answer.

I will admit answering the questions opened up areas in my life that are extremely painful to revisit.  It left me in a spiral that I'm still trying to recover from .......

Find peace in your day,

Bonnie

[lolynbo]

WITH EVERY DAY DRAWING CLOSER TO THE TIME I LAST GOT TO HEAR KOURTNEYS LOVELY VOICE, I FEEL LIKE IM BEING SWOLLOWED UP AGAIN...INTO THAT DARK HOLE, THAT I WAS JUST STARTING TO CRAWL OUT OF...

I DONT EVEN REMEMBER THE LAST THING WE SPOKE OF, OR WHAT SHE SAID, (IN THE ER) I GOT HER A POPTART AND SHE ATE  BOTH OF THEM (THATS THE LAST SOLID FOOD SHE ATE)..THEN I KNOW I TOOK HER TO THE POTTY, AND HELPED HER,INCASE SHE FELL......BUT THEN WHEN THEY CALLED HER NAME I DIDNT GO IN (WHY DIDNT I, I COULDA TALKED MORE TO HER) BUT I DIDNT I STAYED IN THE WAITING ROOM WITH MY SON WHERE IT "WASNT REAL, WHERE IT WAS SAFE"......GOD FORGIVE ME KOURTNEY FOR NOT BEING THERE FOR YOU WHEN YOU PROBABLY NEEDED ME THE MOST.... IM SO SAD.....MY TEARS WONT STOP, I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE...

 

THATS KOURTNEY W/ MY GRANDAWGTER PRINCESS.THAT IS HER HUBBY IN BG

[ericasmom]

We do what we do when we are in shock for reasons only understandable later on. You were protecting a part of you that needed protection. You were with your daughter in her life, as she left, she blessed you with her love and that will always be true. She knows of your love, be sure of that.

Dee

[mikesmomrs]

You must also remember, that no matter what we do or we don't do, afterwards, we think "it wasn't enough."  I was with my son, every moment, for the last month of his life, except for when I had to go to the store to get something for him, and still I wasn't there enough...for me, at least.  I know that he, like your Kourtney, likely was very aware of my love at those last moments---I know that he was not physically aware of my presence; he was too far gone for him to recognize what was even happening.  And, sometimes, in my pain of missing him so much, I am able to thank God for that blessing for Mike. 

As Dee said, Kourtney knows of your love for her; she is with you every day, and can feel your love for her.  I am so sorry that you have to feel this pain...

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Quite right Carol,

we always think we could have done more, but our Babies don't think that, they know the cost to our hearts, they know the disheveled lives, and they know how hard it is to find our way again, they are rooting for us every step, both forward adn backward steps, rooting as we move along this very bumpy path. The path gets smoother, but initially, and for some time after the initial, it is bumpy, it is rocky, and you are being held tight by all of us here, and very tightly by that Child who had to leave. Remember to turn the tables once in a while, allowing yourself to see how you would want your Child to be if you left and they were here to mourn; they want for us what we would want for them, and so it is important to be respectful of yourself, kind, caring, and forgiving.

Michael is in very bad shape right now. They did an MRI today as he complained of his vision, I am very scared of what this will mean when they reveal the results to Jonathan and to Michael. I am scared, to think of him dying is very scary to me, for all the reasons of having raised kids with him, of kind of growing up with him, and because of how dearly he is hanging on and his fear of the unknown. I wish he believed that ERi was there, and that she will take care of him. I am scared too, for all that this will bring forward for Jonathan and while I know he will have to travel a new grief route, I worry for all of this to become a constant. Sorry to voice so much worry, I know it brings a lot up for those of you that dealt with illness in your loss, and I don't mean to do that to you, I am just scared. I wish I could ease Michael's spirit, but he is not taking visitors, can't, only Jon and his brother right now. He does not want anyone to see him like this either. I am rambling, so I will stop now and go for a walk and ramble a bit under the milky way.

dee

[heartbeataway]

Lorri,

I was in another state when Jay died. We traveled to Virginia as quickly as we could. Almost like we thought sub-conscientiously that if we got there quickly we could do something .......

I woke in the wee hours of the morning with Jason's voice saying, "I'm sorry Mom.  I'm so sorry ....... "

You know in your heart that you did everything you could for your daughter. You didn't abandon her, you were there for her ...... but, you wanted to do more.  You wanted to save her. We all have that same feeling. It's the why?  When, "why not" screams at us.

Lorri would not want you to torture yourself with blame.  She knows that you were there for her and you are still there for her.

Take care .......

Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Dee,

My heart is full for you. You have a child that is hurting and you desperately want to take that pain away. 

A child that you would not have had it not been for Michael.......

I believe in miracles.  They happen.

Continued prayers ........

Love!

Bonnie

[lolynbo]

WHERE WOULD WE BE WITHOUT YALL? THANK YALL SO MUCH...I DO SOMETIMES TURN THE TABLES AND THINK HOW KOURTNEY WOULD BE WITHOUT ME IF I DIED...WE WERE SO CLOSE...SHE'D FEEL JUST LIKE ME IM SURE...(OR US) I HAVE LEARNED ONE THING THOUGH THROUGH LOSING KOURTNEY, (MY DAD DIED OF A BRAIN TUMOR WHEN I WAS 2 SO I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AFRAID/CURIOUS ABOUT DEATH) I'M NOT AFRAID ANYMORE, BECAUSE I KNOW KOURTNEY IS THERE WAITING ON ME AND SO MANY OTHER LOVED ONES...BY THE WAY...THE DOC SAID KOURTNEYS BRAIN TUMOR WAS DIFF FROM MY DADS, IT WAS A "CELL THAT JUST MUTATED"...

IM PRAYING FOR MICHAEL, I KNOW ERI IS WAITING ON HIM...AND REJOYCING...

CAN I TELL YOU ALL ONE MORE LIL STORY..

A FEW DAYS BEFORE MY BABY GIRL KOURTNEY DIED, MY SISTERINLAW WAS GOING SOME WHERE AND HER STEPSON WAS IN A VEHICLE BEHIND HER...(SHE CLAIMS TO OCCASIONALLY SEE SPIRITS)...AND SHE LOOKED IN THE REAR VEIW MIRROR AND SAW MY BROTHER (WHO HAD BEEN GONE ALMOST 4 YRS), RIDING IN THE PASSENGER SIDE, SHE SAID HE WAS JUBELENT (SP) AND BEEMING HE WAS SO HAPPY....HAPPY BECAUSE I THINK HE KNEW HIS LIL NEICE KOURTNEY WOULD SOON BE UP THERE AND HE GOT TO HELP WITH THE WELCOMING OF HER....

HAVE YALL READ "90 MINUTES IN HEAVEN"? YOU NEED TO VERY SHORT READ BUT FULL OF COMFORTING WORDS.

[mikesmum]

[user=7435]ericasmom[/user] wrote:

Michael is in very bad shape right now. They did an MRI today as he complained of his vision, I am very scared of what this will mean when they reveal the results to Jonathan and to Michael. I am scared, to think of him dying is very scary to me, for all the reasons of having raised kids with him, of kind of growing up with him, and because of how dearly he is hanging on and his fear of the unknown.

Dee - never rambling just processing out loud.  Michael is a big part of your life.  Being young and having babies bonds us no matter where our lives take us.  I can understand him not wanting visitors.  It might be hard, but maybe he's afraid to see the fear in others eyes.  For Jon he might be able to muster that last bit of positive strength, but you my friend know his heart.

Maybe for him to embrace the idea that Eri is waiting would be to let go of what he has here - hard times for all.

Hope the Milky Way takes you to a place of peace and reflection.  May your prayers be answered.  May Michael and Jon find strength in each other as they face the results of the MRI.

Always - Trudi

[ericasmom]

Thanks Trudi and Lorri and Bonnie,

Michael is a big part of my life. we married when I was 21, he was 30< 1977.

I was walking under the night sky, and I spoke to Eri, and I spoke to Michael, feeling that his spirit was hanging between two worlds. I am going to write him a letter now, send it to the hospital in hopes that my love will let him know that he is always with me, that he will always be thee most important man in Jon and Eri's lives. I will reassure him as I did when he found out he had cancer, that I will be here for Jonathan, as best I can.

Life swirls us about like so many fallen leaves

and our cycle seems to end,

however, a new life awaits.

One that exists in a fold of space and time

 just outside our line of vision,

just beyond our grasp,

just waiting in joy.

 

Sleep and dream  beautiful dreams.

Dee

PS The amazing narratives evoked by James' questions have found me weeping as I read your stories, the sequence of events that brought us to this place. James, you have given us a gift, while painful, it is cathartic and cleansing to release such vivid memories of our saddest times. Thanks so much for your carefully crafted questions, and your ability to listen.

[ericasmom]

thanks Claudia, Carol, Kay, Sonya, and all of the generous people who have offered prayers and support.

Dee

[mikesmomrs]

Dee:  your words of concern for us ("Sorry to voice so much worry, I know it brings a lot up for those of you that dealt with illness in your loss, and I don't mean to do that to you, I am just scared.") as you voice your pain and worry are answered so very well by your own wise statement in your post just a little bit later:   ("James, you have given us a gift, while painful, it is cathartic and cleansing to release such vivid memories of our saddest times.")

We all find it cathartic and cleansing to release the painful memories and the sorrow that lives in our heart on a daily basis...in fact, that is what this site is very much about, so please don't apologize...you are reaching out, and we are so very ready and willing to reach back to you and offer the support that you need right now. 

Cotinuing to think of you and keep you and your family in our prayers and thoughts.

Bonnie:  Yes, it's the "why?" when "why not" screams at us...

Lorri:  Yes, I have read "90 minutes in Heaven," my husband's niece sent it to me, and yes, it is a good read. 

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

 

[ericasmom]

Thanks Carol,

I did realize after a while last evening, when I was not able to sleep, that I was in fact apologizing for what we do here, ask and receive support...silly me,and thanks for pointing it out. This place, this amazing spot in the universe joins us and allows us grace.

Love You All,

dee

[summergirl]

Lorri - I understand how you feel about "not being there" when Kourtney passed. I also wonder why I could not have been with Jessica - why did her life end in a restaurant??  I felt guilt for so long and then I realized one day that although I would have wanted to be there when she left this world I also do not know if I would have had the strength to watch her have a heart attack in front of us and her Tavian - I did not get an "option" so I take what I have been dealt and know in my heart that my daughter, my baby, my best-friend loved me and I loved her. I am glad that I talked her into coming to the house before she went for dinner or I would not have had that last I love you mom, call me in the morning!!   Your Kourtney knew all she needed to know - that you loved her unconditionally and did all you could in the time you had her. God Bless You.

Dee - I am praying so hard for Micheal and Jon. Trudi says it so well I need not add more. Just remember you are in my heart and you can "ramble" or whatever you want, whenever you want, here among your friends. Thinking of you always.

Seems as though sometimes life just turns us in circles no matter what we do - feel as though I am sometimes tested beyond my endurance so I thank God for all of you here - to support, pray, love, ramble, laugh, cry and all other emotions that we allow ourselves to express here - thanks to all of you, always in my heart. Kathy

 

[johnnysmama]

Dee

I wish I could take some of your fear away and all of Michael's illness and Jon's pain. I am praying for you all and everyone here and our kids as always. Your comment about what you wish Michael believed struck me.  Don't ever apologize for "talking" here. We are always here to listen and support in any way we can. All the wonderful support you give to us daily-I am glad you have us to come to when you need to. Like you tell all of us try to take care of yourself and rest. Come here and keep us posted often. Take care and hugs to all of you, Kay

[daveydow1]

Cameronsmom1, Amanda,

My heart feels for you in these months after your dear angel baby

passed over into heaven. My prayers are for you now, at the marking

of your baby's  7th month birthday.  I completely understand your

pain & grief .  I may have told you that I too lost a baby (when she

was 6 mo. old ---accidental choking). Your sorrow for all of those lost

'firsts'  brings back so many memories for me even though it has been

close to 40 yrs. now.  God bless your little angel baby boy,  and may

God bring you comfort and peace in your time of sorrow.

                     Daveysmom,  Sherry     

[lostwoher]

Good evening all. Been several days since my last post but with the move and work its been a lil tuff. I have checked in everyday to keep updated on everyone.

Dee, hugs to you during this trying time. We all are praying for you and your family.

Its so amazing to me to read the outpour of love this site has to offer. We are a 'bonded family'.

Take care ALL!

Lynn

[ericasmom]

Hi Lynn, I am glad that you are on the other side of the move now, you and Carol both. It is emotional though isn't it? Make sure that you take some time to just have some quiet if you are able.

So today, at around 4:45, Jonathan called still hopeful of things. He said that the doctors had not reported out on the MRI. I knew in my heart what it all meant, the change in eyesight after the return of Luekemia was probably brain cancer. It is, it is brain and liver now too. Jon called me 15 minutes later, the doctors came in and told he and his Dad the news. Michael said,' well I am dying then" Jonathan called me sobbing, so sad my Boy. I am stunned to hear it and yet I knew it. So now what? I guess they still want to try a chemo, but he didn't qualify for the Trial, probably because he is too sick. Anyhow, right now, this is all I know.

I will keep you posted, thanks so much for your support Everyone.

Dee

[heartbeataway]

Dee,

I can't think of the right words to say so I'll just share what came to my heart......

"There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair under the heavens. A time to be born and a time to die."

Ecclesiastes 3:1-2

Continued prayers and warm thoughts ......

Bonnie

[ericasmom]

Your heart is so good, perfect words Bonnie,

thanks

[mikesmum]

Dee - Michael may not have qualified for the clinical trial but he still has a say in how is life proceeds from this time on.  Your baby boy is lost with the fear of losing his dad.  All you can be now is there when needed.  It isn't going to be easy on any of you, but your intutive and you knew that.

You changed my focus here many months ago with words of encouragement.  "Enjoy the walk, eat right, take care of yourself"  These things now apply to you, Jon and even Michael.  Be guided by what the doctors say, but also by what Michael wants. 

My heart breaks for you all.  Thoughts, prayers always - Trudi

[heartbeataway]

I try Dee... Thanks

After taking of Rich's Mom at the end of her life and losing Jason, I know the pain of loss as we all do.

I know the pain of anticipation ......

It's tough ....... I always had a fear of death. After experiencing his Mom's passing, it was gone.  I learned everything I could about what she might experience, what to look for and how to react so as not to alarm her or cause her anxiety.  We talked and we comforted each other.

And then she was gone.  I still remember looking at Jason as I did my part in her memorial service.  He had tears streaming down his face. His tender heart so effident touched mine.

And then almost exactly two years later, he was gone too.

I'm changing direction here .....

Rich needed a picture of the two of us and we were looking for one tonight. I ended up finding a picture of us that was taken at a benefit not long before Jay died.  We look different now.  It was a noticeable difference.  We each had a sparkle in our eyes that is no longer there ......  grief physically changes you.  It's all just so sad, isn't it?

The power of death in our lives is significant in so many ways .......

You have no idea how many times during the day I think about you and Jon and Michael. I just whisper the word strength ....... Eri's little white spirt is hovering close.

Love!

Bonnie 

[daniellesbrother]

Thank you to all who took time to answer my questions. I understand how difficult it can be some times to relive that moment so I truly appreciate it. Thank you also for your kind words you wrote to me directly.

Thanks James

[ericasmom]

Thanks for that Trudi, we need reminders when we are in the swirl of it all again. Michael's illness brings forth all of our losses and prepares us I suppose for his. My Mom had lung cancer that went to her brain a year before Eri died. I was the disowned daughter for 18 years, but went back to her home for her last week of life. Her home is only 5 miles from here. Anyhow, the power of the illness floored me, but the power of love was stronger, we (my sisters and I) helped her know that she would be carried with us everywhere, which wass a worry of hers. She was very scared and that fear is what I feel in Michael. I sent Michael a letter yesterday letting him know that I love him, that he is the most important man to his children, to let him know that JOn will stand tall again, but right now needs to crumble, to let him know that Eri is right there, sitting on his bedside, watching over him. I told him that it will be okay to let go when he does.

As far as photos, I have to wear a photoID around a lariat at school. All the kids ask me how old i was when it was taken. I look much different, and it was taken about 8 months before Erz died. A lifetime ago, and I am anxious for anew photo, as that reminder of physical change is becoming too sharp.

Love you All

Dee

[summergirl]

Dee - I am so sorry but once again Trudi summed it up so no words are needed from me except that you, Jon and Michael are in my prayers, my heart aches for the things that you will face as the days go by but I know your strength through your postings and you are a survivor. Writing the letter to Micheal was something you needed to do. It is amazing how much we look at life and all that surrounds us so differently since the loss of our children.    I too look back at pictures of when my Jessica was here and what a difference in my face, eyes, mouth - I have aged beyond my 52 tears and the light in the eyes has dimmed - unfortunately I have earned every line and wrinkle. God Bless you dear Dee and please keep letting us help you as much as we can.

James - you are very welcome although I feel as though there are many more things I could have wrote and expressed but would have ended up writing a book.

At work so will talk later - am thinking of all - Kathy

[lolynbo]

I WANNA WHINE FOR A MINUTE.....

ON THE MYSPACE YOU CAN SEE WHAT YOUR FRIENDS ARE DOING/SAYING...ONE OF THESE FRIENDS WAS KOURTNEYS FRIEND HER NAME IS ALSO COURTNEY...SHE POSTED...GOING SOUTH,GOING NORTH, THEN SOUTH .....BLAH...THE OTHER DAY SHE POSTED CANT WAIT TO GO TO CLINTON OK....SO TO ME THIS MEANS SHE IS GOING TO CLINTON OKLAHOMA WITH MY DAUGHTER KOURTNEYS HUSBAND WHO DIRT TRACK RACES....HIS NAME IS BRENT-BRENT CALLED MY HUBBY AND SAID "IM RACING IN CLINTON THIS WEEKEND JUST WANTED TO LET YAL KNOW ID BE GONE BLAH BLAH BLAH"....

SO I ASKED COURTNEY WHAT SHE WAS DOING THIS WEEKEND AND SHE SAID GOING SHOPPING IN OK CITY.....I ALSO ASKED HER HOW LONG SHE HAD BEEN SEEING BRENT....NO ANSWER....

WHY CAN'T PPL STOP LYING AND TELL THE TRUTH...I NO THEY SEE EACH OTHER,BUT DONT LIE TO ME....THIS IS A SMALL TOWN....I KNOW ALOT THAT GOES ON EVEN THOUGH I HAVE MY HEAD SOME WHERE ELSE...

IT JUST HURTS...THAT FRICKIN LIFE GOES ON...THE HOLIDAYS GO ON....CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYIN IN THE STORE SO I FORGET MOST OF WHAT I CAME FOR....I WISH THEY HAD A STORE GRIEVING PPL COULD GO TO...WHERE WE ALL FELT LIKE WE FEEL AND THEM DANG CHIPPER PPL CANT COME IN...  YA IM LOSING IT.....I WILL BE OK....I JUST HAD TO YELL FOR A MINUTE...

 

 

[ericasmom]

Yes Kathy, I agree with you on the issue of being able to say so much more in response to James' questions. It seemed to open a floodgate for me, a storage locker of sequential events and occurances from the time Erica was struck until now...I love the overriding thought, that this place has been the saving grace of so many of us. Our Beyond Indigo Family.

Thanks Kathy for the boost, I am feeling more of my old strength today, a bit of sleep under my belt, and I look to the day for my direction.

Peace,

Dee