Loss of an Adult Child

[lolynbo]

WHY DOES IT HIT YOU OUT OF THE BLUE??? I ONLY HAVE THINGS TO DO TO LOOK FORWARD TO...LIKE THE BENCH....I GET MOTIVATED THEN WHEN THE BENCH WAS SET NOW IM DOWN AGAIN, THEN I LOOK FORWARD TO THE HEADSTONE..UP AGAIN....OR LOOK FORWARD TO DOING THE "KOURTNEY'S KLOSET" THEN I WILL BE DOWN AGAIN...

I GUESS WHAT IM TRYING TO SAY IS ITS LIKE A DRUG,  IM ALIVE FOR A BIT THEN BACK IN THE GLOOMY HAZE...

THEN I REALIZE NO MATTER WHAT I DO FOR KOURTNEY...SHE IS STILL GONE,,, FINAL END OF STORY GONE,,,,,TIL GOD LETS ME MEET HER AGAIN..

SORRY YALL

[summergirl]

Hello to all and thank you for the birthday wishes. Jessica was there with me the whole day. We went to a place called Michaels and met friends and family there -it was very nice and felt good to be among those who love me and care. I collect butterflies of all kinds and was gived 5 for my birthday - so beautiful. Also a beautiful necklace with two silver circles - one with Jessica on it and the other with Tavian - it is so special!! 

Today was a good day with my husband, we spent alot of time outside doing yard work only to have the wind and rain tonight put back all of the leaves we took care of so another load tomorrow but I love being outside and working in the yard. Time to close out camper up for another season as winter is setting in.

At times today I felt as though I could not breath missing my Jessica. My husband and I talked and I told him I want to do something next summer to celebrate her life - I have talked about this before but have not followed through with it. I am determined to find a way to celebrate her and give to others so any suggestions would be more than welcome.

So weary tonight and tears flow so I am going to say good night and will talk later, can't seem to get it together.  Kathy

[4everjoeysmom]

Kourtney's Mom, What you described became so vivid to me as well. I realized that with each thing "yet to look forward to" somehow it was a way that kept things from being so final (in my heart). I still had something new to look forward to concerning Joey, like getting his stuff back, seeing the new barn raised that he hadn't been able to do himself, getting new photos from his friends (old ones but new to me), and so on... As life went on there were new memories being created within the family, events, etc, but Joey would always be "not here". Having something still to look forward to was like still having a piece of him here. It's just something I think that our heart does as a process of letting go gently instead of all at once. You are right! They're gone, and somehow, no matter how long it's been, my heart wants to stop as I come to that thought--like the full realization has yet to set in, but it indeed already has. I wonder if that's the anticipation in knowing I will see him again? The knowing, but yet the missing....

[cameronsmom1]

Carol,

Isn't it great how kids always say something that just blows you away. Cameron is always saying something that I can't help but think my baby is working through him somehow. Cameron said that heaven is where they take care of all the sick babies and when he said that tears filled my eyes because he's right. My baby is in heaven and being taken care of.

Lori, that was a great idea, I have added my story to my profile. Maybe they will eventually change country to my story.

Amanda

 

[mamabets]

For 4everjoeysmom~ "The knowing...yet the missing"

The knowing that we will miss them for what, now, seems like an eternity, yet our eternity will one day be with them again...

Our eternity has officially begun with our angels... What appears to feel like a separation is actually our angels paving our way..They have taken the lead, and we will one day follow~ 

Each baby step brings us one day closer to the day that we are joined with them in paradise...Our journey has begun, we just must try to live this life to the fullest here, when we can..

When we feel like it just isn't ever going to be peaceful again, remember where they are...  

I hope this is how each and every one of us feel, especially when we have to quit banging our heads and hearts against that brick wall that gets in our way... The spin, that finally does settle and reminds us, always...

There are no walls where our angels are... No detours...

Thanks...This jumped right in to my heart!!!!

xoxox

LOVE

mamabets

[4everjoeysmom]

Betsy, BIG HUGS from me to you!!

[briansdad]

Just when you think your doing OK somthing like this hits you .The SOB who was involved in the accident that  killed my son is at it again.I found this on a Missouri web site. Look at the date too, 4 days before the annivesary of his killing my son.

By the way this was the same scenario that he did to Brian.

Description:

Fail To Drive On Right Half Of Rdwy When Rdwy Was Of Sufficient Width, Causing An Immedit Threat Of Accident { Misdemeanor C RSMo: 304.015 }

Date:

09/26/2008

Code:

4722600

[mamabets]

For 4everjoeysmom~ DITTO, Claudia~

You know, a VERY spiritually connected gal told me and my Jackie once..."Always know that the number 4 will have special meaning to you ..It will mean Danny is right with you~"

Jackie said "We have 4 dogs..."

She said "No, it isn't the dogs ...It is something else- You will see 4 alot"

WOW- Why just NOW, after all of this time with 4everjoeysmom, did 4 jump out at me??

4ever.....All of our angels~

LOVE

mamabets

 

[mikesmum]

[user=10710]briansdad[/user] wrote:

Just when you think your doing OK somthing like this hits you .The SOB who was involved in the accident that  killed my son is at it again.I found this on a Missouri web site. Look at the date too, 4 days before the annivesary of his killing my son.

By the way this was the same scenario that he did to Brian.

Description:

Fail To Drive On Right Half Of Rdwy When Rdwy Was Of Sufficient Width, Causing An Immedit Threat Of Accident { Misdemeanor C RSMo: 304.015 }

Date:

09/26/2008

Code:

4722600

Greg - Not up with the coding, but is this the charge the guy received as a traffic offense?  A truck in the middle of the carriageway causing the potential for an accident?

Sorry this brings so much back to you.  Like you say, just when you think you're doing okay............

Karma is my friend, my wish for those involved in Mikes death is that they find someone in their life who shows them the same love and compassion that they showed him in his last day..............

Take Care - Trudi

[johnnysmama]

Greg

That is not right-it sucks. When is it enough? No one needs a repeat. Sometimes I wonder who our laws protect? Argggggh

Keep us posted and feel free to vent here.

Take care,

Kay

[lolynbo]

WELL I JUST GOT THE REST OF KOURTNEYS THINGS...RAT POOPY EVERYWHERE ON THE BED, ON THE CABINETS, COUNTERS...I MEAN EVERY WHERE...BUT I GOT IT ALL...I FOUND SOME JEWLERY AND SO FAR I HAVE HER CLASS RING...THANK YOU GOD....I HAVENT WENT THROUGH EVERYTHING YET BUT ITS IN THE GARAGE AT MY HOUSE AND I WILL.....GOD DOES LISTEN....

 

THANK YALL FOR PRAYING FOR ME AND IT ALL WORKING OUT THIS WAY...

[tanmanmymagicman]

so sorry for everything you have gone through;  I am having a hard day today;  I feel like either I never had a son or that I lost my Tanner a long time ago or this is just a dream; it can't be true; he was only 16 ; I sound like a broken record I guess because I have a broken heart;  I thought I was doing better;  Today even surrounded by family I am so lonesome.

I look at pictures of myself before I lost my son and after;  I have aged alot in a year;   I just wanted to post because I am so very lonely; grief is almost impossible to live with;  I know for myself I wish I could of died instead of him;  Yeah, I know I could wish all day; but it was God's will for my son to go........................ Someday it will all be revealed to me WHY.  Bless all of you at this site; I honestly don't know how we keep up some days.  Some of you are so strong;  Joeys mom I think of your strength alot;  So many people have benefited from your words of widsom.

[johnnysmama]

Tannersmom

We are no stronger than you, you are amazingly strong-you are here. We just have come to the acceptance point where we have no choice-but we do choose to live in honor of our kids-the best we can. I go on for my son and for all my love for him. Some days not so good, some days ok. It is where we are now. It does age you. It is funny-I was just looking at pics taken before losing Johnny-I not only look younger but different-I had a real smile that has not come back. I am sure someday it will-again for Johnny and for all I love. We don't know the plan here as Kourtney's Mom said. That helps me go on too-to find out the answers someday and to be with my son again. The pain does soften with time and become more manageable but as the very wise people here have said it never goes away. Stay strong and know we are here, listening and knowing.

 

Kourtney's Mom

I am so glad you were able to get Kourtney's things. I so understand as everyone here does-it is all we physically have left of them. We need their things-but it is much more than the things-it is that they touched them, wore them, smells like them...how can you not want them? Take care. I so know the feelings of thinking I will do this and I will feel better or be able to go on...then you do it and you still feel the same-heartbroken. I feel like I spend so much time just trying to figure out my way here now--and I am still looking 19 months later.

Take care and know we are here.

 

Big hugs to you both

Kay

 

[lolynbo]

I ADDED KOURTNEYS STORY TO MY PROFILE I HOPE ALL OF YALL DO TO SO I CAN GET TO KNOW EACH AND EVERONE OF YOU AND YOUR PRECIOUS ANGELS....

WHILE WE WERE GETTING KOURTNEYS THINGS, BRENTS BROTHER CAME BY AND SAID " I WISH YOUD WAIT TIL THEY GET HOME, INCASE SOMETHING COMES UP MISSING".

WE TOLD HIM THAT "IF SOMETHING COMES UP MISSING YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND US"

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT????

YES I STOLE MY DAUGHTERS THINGS....FORGIVE ME JESUS

[lolynbo]

I WAS GOING THRU THE STUFF OF COURSE IM A VIRGO SO I CANT LET IT GO.....AND MY DAUGHTER KIMBERLY GOT MARRIED SEPT 29, 2007 SIX MONTHS AFTER KOURTNEY DID ( KIMBERLY AND HIM ARE ALREADY DIVORCED BECAUSE OF THE YR WE HAD W/ KOURTNEY) MATTER OF FACT THEY GOT DIVORCED SEPT 29TH, 2008......BUT ANY WAY, YOU KNOW HOW AT RECEPTIONS THEY HAVE STONES ON THE TABLE THAT SAY THINGS...WELL I GOT SEVERAL AND I JUST FOUND THE ONES KOURTNEY PICKED...AND THEY ARE

FRIENDS

ABUNDANCE

UNITY

LISTEN

ETERNITY

IT JUST TOOK MY BREATH AWAY AND MADE ME CRY.....SHE HAS ALL THIS AND MORE IN HEAVEN....NICE TO THINK SHE HAS ALL THIS AND PROB MORE THEN WE WILL EVER KNOW TIL OUR DAY COMES..

AND I WOULDNT TAKE A MILLION DOLLARS FOR ANY OF THEM

[ericasmom]

[align=right]Hey everyone,[/align]

I came last night and posted a long post, the most important message in it was;

Happy Birthday Kathy...we are blessed by the day that you were born, by the lining up of planets and stars...God Bless You each and every day.

Anyhow, My hard drive crashed and so my post was lost but luckily, earlier in the day when my computer started acting oddly, my husband backed up all of my files so I haven't lost my photos or my documents...thank heavens and thank that kind man I married. So all day today he worked this new computer and so far, knock on wood, it works. I tend to  mess up anything that plugs in so here's hoping. I missed communicating with everyone the last week. I have been super busy as we had parent/teacher conferences. It takes a bit of time to talk with 24 families especially those that have kids with some big issues. So I pulled 3 twelve hour days and then presented at a writing conference on Saturday morning.

I felt like a zombie by yesterday afternoon. I napped, it was needed.

To Cameron's Mom, to all the new parents here, try to hang on when you are hit with some days that make you feel that you are walking backwards, it is normal. Two steps forward and three back still means you are going forward. There is no greater ache than what we all share here, so be kind to yourselves, we have some good days and we have some very bad, and eventually you will have more good in between the bad. No learning mannuals with this grief, only other hearts that surround yours on days like these. The sense of feeling lonely is astounding. I can be in a room filled with those that I love and that love me, but she is gone and so I feel this undeniable lonliness because no matter what, as Erica's Mom, I stand alone at times, alone with the ache that a Mom or a Dad has. We parents are alone with this absolute hollow echo off of our hearts. It will soften, but it is ours to incorportate into our lives and find our footing.

Kourtney's Mom, I am happy that you retrieved the items that belong to your Girl. It is sad that you were asked to wait after all of the time youhave waited.

Claudia, Greg, Kay, Kathy, Betts, Carol, Bonnie,Trudi, my heart to you as you weave in and out of the debris of grief. Greg, how very difficult to see that the same man has continued his bad habits and has not learned from the life he took and the pain he caused. I am sorry.

Bless Everyone, everyone and their beautiful little white souls.

Dee

[cameronsmom1]

I just wanted to share my playlist that's on my myspace page. I think the songs are great if you ever just need to listen to songs like me this is a great playlist.

 

http://www.myplaylist.org/mc/mp3player.swf?tomy=http://www.myplaylist.org/mc/config/config_black_shuffle.xml&mywidth=435&myheight=270&file=http://www.myplaylist.org/loadplaylist.php?playlist=31076260"

[4everjoeysmom]

Tanner's Mom, I hear you! I too can look at photos from around the time we lost Joey and now (2 years, 3 months) and I have aged SO much. I think what is even more evident is the joy that is obviously missing in my smile now. My eyes don't shine like they used to. Life has been hard these past couple of years...and VERY lonely. I wrote something on another community I belong to (Christian-centered). I hope you don't mind my sharing, because it speaks very much to loneliness. It's kind of long, so I apologize and invite anyone not interested to just skip over it. Blessings, Claudia

-----

One of the most prevalent feelings in the heart and life of one who is hurting and grieving is loneliness. I've often felt and heard others comment on how they feel so isolated and alone. When grief comes from having lost a loved one, or from dysfunction related to alcohol/drug abuse (for example), other family members suffer too. Often times we can't count on family members for support when they are suffering too. And what about friends? Long time friends want to help. They miss their "old friend". But in most cases of catastrophic loss and/or grief, the experience changes us. We can heal, but we won't ever be that person our friends knew before our life-changing event came along. Many people want to "fix the problem" so we can move on, thus they can feel comfortable and move on. A lot of times clergy will mean well to counsel with biblical authority, but often times empathy is lacking and we feel judged more than comforted and helped. There is an overwhelming feeling in our community that to get close to one who is suffering with deep grief or depression from grief may be "contagious". For example, when I lost my young adult son 2 years ago, I felt that for many of my friends with kids around his age, the thought "if it can happen to her, it can happen to me" was too close for their comfort. Conversations would change quickly and take on a new route whenever I would bring up my son or my hurt. My spouse grieved too, but the way we processed our grief was different and often seemed divisive.

With no one to turn to, what do we do? How do we even begin to heal from our wounds? We feel like the accursed: (Jer 16:7) No one shall break bread for the mourner, to comfort him for the dead, nor shall anyone give him the cup of consolation to drink for his father or his mother. But we know the promise of God that He will not abandon us. We know we can trust in the Lord. He journeys with us and knows our pain. He came to us in the flesh and dwelt among us so that he could empathize with us in our pain of sin, loss and suffering. Many of us have been met by Jesus in the midst of our darkness. We call out like David, "My eyes long for your promise; I ask, "When will you comfort me?--Psa 119:82" Are we bad then, or wrong to feel like we need something more?--Like a tangible hand to hold onto, a shoulder to cry on, or a comforting word of encouragement and hope.

In the words of Isaiah (40: 3-8):

A voice cries: "In the wilderness prepare the way of the LORD; make straight in the desert a highway for our God. Every valley shall be lifted up, and every mountain and hill be made low; the uneven ground shall become level, and the rough places a plain. And the glory of the LORD shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together, for the mouth of the LORD has spoken." A voice says, "Cry!" And I said, "What shall I cry?" All flesh is grass, and all its beauty is like the flower of the field. The grass withers, the flower fades when the breath of the LORD blows on it; surely the people are grass. The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will stand forever.

It does our hearts good and fills us with Hope when we come to realize that it is but a season, that God has something waiting for us as we journey through the valley to find the mountain peaks and green pastures waiting on the other side. That something is called healing. Of course we begin healing in the valley, but we don't realize it fully until we begin to see the peaks and pastures. It can be an awfully dark and lonely journey through the valley. But we have to travel through it. There's no way around, no short cut. We need a beacon to find our way, and then the Lord gives us one. When we see the glimmer of light from a lamp ahead, we twinge with anticipation and hope that the darkness will fade. As Job lamented in his discourse, so have we (29:2-3) "Oh, that I were as in the months of old, as in the days when God watched over me, when his lamp shone upon my head, and by his light I walked through darkness.. And then we see a light and recall brighter days. We hoped for the help the Lord would send us, and often we find it in another soul that has walked in our valley. The Lord calls us to remember David once again. (Psa 23:4) Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. We find comfort in knowing that we are not alone. We find hope in that others have come before us and have reached the other side of the valley. We reach out to them for hope and comfort, and the Lord gives us abundantly through the grace of His people who have suffered.

(2Co 1:3-5) Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.

Ecc 3:1 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

........Ecc 3:4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

In others' stories of courage and hope we find comfort, companionship, trust, hope, light, strength, peace, and an occasional hint of joy. We get a glimpse of a new season to come and learn that this too shall pass. One day we may even dance again... and we thank God for sending us His comfort through another who has known our journey.

[mikesmum]

Many of Mikes friends have Facebook pages.  Every now and then they send me a update of their lives, but this morning I received pictures.  There was Micheal Shane, cool dude in his final year at school...........

Can't breathe, tears falling........he really can't be gone....

 

 

[ericasmom]

What a doll, and yes, it is devastating to be hit with a photo that snaps the air out of your lungs, how can this be?

There is no sense of it except to say that he is perfect where he is. I know it does not make it better, nor take any hurt away, though I wish I could, but our Angels are perfect again, no hurts, no aches, just joyous. He's resting his head on your shoulder, catching your tears on his own cheeks, absorbing your ache as best he can.

My hope and love,

Dee

[daniellemom]

Hi everyone!

I hope everyone is doing OK after the weekend. I can't wait to hear from Bonnie and how your weekend was. Here it stated out raining on Saturday morning but by lunch it was a beautiful day.

I finally dreamed about Danielle!! I woke up Sunday morning and of course the first thing I think about is Danielle but when I thought about her I said wait a minute and smiled I dreamed about her!!!!! She was beautiful and smiling and talking. I kept telling the other people in my dream to be quite so I could hear what she was saying but I could not make it out. Her hair was straight and hung over her shoulders and that smile was big and bright and her blue eyes where dancing like they always did!!!! Thanks for letting me share!

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[heartbeataway]

Hi mamabets,

Thank you for the Rubican story.  We have a Chicos close to us also.

I saw Jay's Rubican over the weekend...........

Every time I see his truck, his Dodge "dooley", it makes me cry not to see him too.

Thanks again for sharing!

Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Hi guys,

We had an amazing weekend in Virginia. I left my camera in Virginia so I can't post pictures right now. I will as soon as I get it.

It started raining Friday evening and the skys opened during the night and continued into Saturday.........  cold and rainy makes camping tough! 

Then around 1:00. the rain slowed, finally stopped and  the sun popped out.......

Almost the same as last year.

We didn't have as many folks as we thought but we still had an amazing turn out.  The moon bounce was canceled because of the rain.  The band didn't come, it was too wet and they had a sick member. We were in an area with no electricity so they needed dry land for the drums and generator power.  But, we had music from other sources and some folks even danced!

The t-shirts were also nicer than we imagined or pictured from the emailed artwork.

The glowing balloon release was amazing. It was more than I imagined. Very touching ... The fireworks were seriously spectacular.  A friend actually had some that were Jason's.

There were not a ton of them ( about 20 minutes worth) but they went high, made a lot of noise and were bright and colorful.

The chili cook off was fun and perfect for a cold, rainy evening. We actually had chili from someone that has won professional competitions.  We had venison chili, mild chili, spicy chili, chili w/noodles and a couple different kinds of cornbread. Yum!

The "pig roast" was also great. There was very little food left over!

Then we had smores ........ I had my first.  They're pretty sweet!

We had a night time caravan to The Pinnacle and Jason's memorial site and then we went again Sunday morning. There were two other trips but Rich and I only went twice this time.

His wind chimes are still in the tree and sound beautiful .......

This year we took him a leather dream catcher that we bought when we were in New Mexico.

We had friends and family from New York, Florida, Georgia, D.C., West Virginia and Virginia Beach. Plus a few dogs!  The effort put forth by everyone who attended and weathered the rain was heartwarming!

The Welcome Bags were a big hit. They each had either a miniature loaf of bread or a miniature bundt cake, a Matchbox jeep or 4X4, a CD of music, tootsie roll pops, beads, a welcome and thank you note and a copy of the poem we wrote for his birthday last year. I'm attaching a copy of it.  I'll write more as I remember things.

It was a great weekend.  We are already looking forward to next year!

Thank you for your warm thoughts and good wishes. Wish you could have been there!

Love!

Bonnie

Here's the poem:

[align=center]Jason Michael Holloway

October 27th, 1975 – April 28th, 2007

Celebrating you……

We’re celebrating your life today, that’s what birthdays are all about.

Your life mattered.

You were important.

You did so much more than die.

You lived, and your life touched others.

So, today, on your birthday, we’re going to focus on the living you.

We’ll lift our arms to feel close to you

We’re going to say your name out loud

We’ll close our eyes and see your smile, remember the twinkle in your eye

We’ll feel your presence in the air and listen for your laughter in the wind.

We’ll visit the mountain where you’re resting.

We’ll look out over the rocks and view the valley through your eyes

Your cross will remind us we’re grieving

We’ll leave you messages as we reflect on our loss.

We’ll seek comfort in the passing clouds

Hear the rustle of leaves as we walk

Birds will soar high, a sign that you’re near

We’ll feel grateful even though you’re not here.

Later, we’ll sit by the campfire

Tell stories, sing songs, reminisce

We’ll talk about your big old heart

How we loved you and how much you’re missed

We’re celebrating you today, the little boy that was.

The man who grew, the love we knew

The spirit you are today.

We won’t forget the life you lived

Your generous nature, your loving smile

Soar high with love, there’s more than enough

We’ll see you again one day

Until then, we’ll be here, a mere heartbeat away.

Loving YOU son, today and always,

Mom & Dad

“Ask me why I grieve so that I can say his name again.”

[/align]

[lostwoher]

Oh how I would love to have a 'dream' of my daughter. I still have nightmares of her crying for help. Im sure you will cherish that dream for a lifetime. How beautiful for you to have that. Hugs to all    Lynn

[heartbeataway]

Sonya,

I'm happy you dreamed about your Danielle!  I know it's almost makes me feel like I've had a little visit with Jason when I dream about him.

Keep dreaming!

Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Lynn, I'm so sorry that you have bad dreams. And of her calling for help. That's heartbreaking! I pray for peace and sweet dreams to replace your nightmares.

Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Can't breathe, tears falling........he really can't be gone....

Oh Sweetie, I want to give you a hug!  I know what you mean. There were a lot of those "can't breathe" moments over the weekend.  I've often said that I can be having lunch with friends and all of a sudden I've tuned into my ever playing "ticker tape" of " how can he be gone ................ "

I've also said that Jason was like air to me and I have trouble breathing without him.

I know what you mean and I know how my heart feels.

Love!

Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Claudia,

Thank you for sharing your words of hope and comfort.

Bonnie

[johnnysmama]

Bonnie

It sounds perfect despite the weather. Very fun-filled and loving like Jason. I am sure he smiled and joined you on your treks up the mountain, around the fire, watching the fireworks and balloons. Your poem brought tears to my eyes and was so touching, only a heartbeat away...I LOVED the last line, perfect-I love how you were focused on his life and how important it was. I can't wait to hear more and see your pictures. The gift bags sound so thoughtful and caring, too. Great ideas! Thank you for sharing your celebration of Jason. You must be exhausted!

Hugs, Kay

[johnnysmama]

Trudi

What a great picture of a very cool dude. I am so sorry it made you sad. It's so bittersweet-we want to see all pictures, hear all stories, get their stuff but the fact is they are gone...Hang in there girl we are here for you and so is Mike...

 

Lynn

I am so sorry for your sad dream. You are probably barely sleeping anyway and when you do it is disturbing-I wish I could make it better. Hang in there and as Mamabets says-our babies are healthy, happy and in a much better place than us. That thought keeps me going at times, that and family here. Hang in there, We are here and know how you feel.

Big, big hugs to you both.

 

 

Dee, missed you and glad you got some rest after a really busy week.

Sonya, happy for you girl! Sounds like Danielle is good and that is really all that matters.

Take care all!

[johnnysmama]

Claudia

What you wrote was moving and is what I am feeling written so beautifully. The first paragraph about the lonliness really hit me as my husband and I seem to be traveling this journey in such different ways. Honestly, I feel so stuck and unable to move on-so alone most of the time. He wants to go out, go to family parties, laugh hard at funny movies, be like he always was. I on the other hand can't do anything without thinking, "Why isnt Johnny here? How can I go without him? It ISN'T like it always was. Doesn't anybody but me remember that? I also can be somewhere so long then I feel like I could crawl out of my skin. I just want to go home to my safe zone then. My husband just gets tired of me and my being sad, wanting to isolate myself, I feel almost guilty for being sad and still missing Johnny. I feel like I hold it in all day at work-I have a tough group of kids this year-not bad-just very needy and with many, many problems. So, I go in early, bring home work to keep up. I still have the girls too that I am most of the time pretending to be their Mom as my heart is still so broken. I see a glimmer of their old Mom shining once in a while but most of the time I feel like I am forcing myself to keep going with them. I feel like my family and extended family have had enough of me and my grief. I know they are saying you have had enough time-get over it already. So the lonliness factor, yeah I know that. I feel soooo lonely. Coming here helps me a lot, though. So thank you for posting and thanks for letting me ramble.

Kay

[lolynbo]

I WAS GOING THRU THE STUFF OF COURSE IM A VIRGO SO I CANT LET IT GO.....AND MY DAUGHTER KIMBERLY GOT MARRIED SEPT 29, 2007 SIX MONTHS AFTER KOURTNEY DID ( KIMBERLY AND HIM ARE ALREADY DIVORCED BECAUSE OF THE YR WE HAD W/ KOURTNEY) MATTER OF FACT THEY GOT DIVORCED SEPT 29TH, 2008......BUT ANY WAY, YOU KNOW HOW AT RECEPTIONS THEY HAVE STONES ON THE TABLE THAT SAY THINGS...WELL I GOT SEVERAL AND I JUST FOUND THE ONES KOURTNEY PICKED...AND THEY ARE

FRIENDS

ABUNDANCE

UNITY

LISTEN

ETERNITY

IT JUST TOOK MY BREATH AWAY AND MADE ME CRY.....SHE HAS ALL THIS AND MORE IN HEAVEN....NICE TO THINK SHE HAS ALL THIS AND PROB MORE THEN WE WILL EVER KNOW TIL OUR DAY COMES..

AND I WOULDNT TAKE A MILLION DOLLARS FOR ANY OF THEM

 

THOUGHT ID RE[OST INCASE YOU MISSED IT....

[mikesmum]

Bonnie - Loved the poem.  Seems the can't breathe moments are with us forever.  The break in the rain, obviously someone with higher connections organised the day.

I love the idea of glow in the dark balloons.  So pleased to hear the wind chimes are still there.....amazing.

Dee - I do get that feeling of Mike being with me as I look at the pictures.....'wow check out that '80's hair'!

Lynn - I remember in the first months dreaming many times of Mike being lost, looking for me, me looking for him unable to find him.  It was so hard.  Then one night I dreamed we were both in a brilliant white room.  He was smiling at me.......I woke that next day with such a feeling of peace and calm.  I hope one day soon you have a similar experience.

It was a weekend for catching up.  Youngest son Steven ran into a old friend he lost touch with after they left high school.  This was someone who spent just about every weekend at our house.  They were inseperable back then.  He had heard about Mike and was devestated.  Stories of old flowed back and forth all night.........more memories of Mike shared.

[ericasmom]

Bonnie, I smile at the picture i have of you climbing with your husband and all of the people who came to honor Jason. I love the sound in your voice/words here as you exude the spirit of the weekend spent. You created this for your Boy, and now it is an established time to gather under his care in a place he so loved. Sounds like everyone there was glad to be right where they were. I love the poem you wrote for your Son's birthday, it is a beautiful tribute to the Boy/Man you raised.

Lynn, I am so sorry you are having nightmares. I have had those too, bad dreams of ERi realizing too late that the train was upon her. I have also had wonderful visits/dreams. This is early in your grief, you will have beautiful dreams of your Daughter one day as well. I did not know that you live in Illinois. I am in River Forest, Illinois, and teach in Oak Park. If you ever want to meet, let me know.

Kay, I am sorry for your lonliness. So many couples do not grieve the same way, and I wish you could both reach out to a neutral person to help bridge that gap. We all need to grieve the ways we do and be respected in our grief.My husband is not Eri adn Jon's Dad, and he was onlystepdad to ERi for 5 years when she left. They were never real close. For a while I felt we were shaky cause he simply did not get what I was going through, he has no children. Eventually, he let his emotion come forward, he as able to see that I was ripped in two, and that in the scheme of things, it would not matter to me if he was here or not, so he became more understanding. He saw that my life was shattered and wanted to fix it, as many men want to do, but it could not be fixed, I could not be fixed, and that I needed to do whatever came natrually to me.  It is very tricky ground. I also didn't have two younger children to take care of, to nurture when it was all I could do to take care of myself. It is a huge job taking care of a family, to do it under such duress is incomprehensible. Plus, you and I know, and everyone here, no matter if people think you should be over this...it is nothing to be getting over. WE don't get over our kids thank heavens.   Please be kind to yourself, and if you feel stuck, go see someone just for you. I am so glad that I went to a therapist at about the 6 month mark. I stayed for two years and went back at 4 years when I had post traumatic syndrome. I found ways to move forward and continue to grieve without the guilt. I have not gone back in over a year, but if I need to I will not hesitate. You are expending a huge amount of energy on the kindergarten students, your family, your relationship, and what about spending some on you? Don't skimp on the woman your Son loves most.

Sonya, how lovely to have had that dream, a wonderful feeling as you remember it. I know how you feel, energized by her presence. Bathe in it.

Claudia, so lovely, all of your thoughts and your words, a wash of comfort.

Love to All,

Dee

[dansmama]

Hi Everyone,

I don't post much but I read the board everytime I get a notice of a new posting. I am often comforted and just as often torn up by what I read here. My son Daniel died on July 24, 2008. He had turned 20 exactly a month before. He was a joy and I was blessed to have him for the time that I did. He had struggles as young men do but he was in a good place with the Lord and his family that day.

I was struck by the posting about seeing pictures of your angels that you hadn't seen before. I tortured myself and we to the study aboard site at the college he went to. There were albums from previous travels and there it was. He went to Fiji and New Zealand in 2007. He came back with lots of stories and the pictures he took were of the beautiful scenery. Well, today I saw pictures of him in probably the most beautiful place in the world. He looked so happy. I was just so hard. there was one of him on a mountaintop with beautiful clouds and a clear blue sky. It just made me think of heaven.

This all brought back that physical pain that we all know too well. It is that pain directly in my heart. I miss him so much. I try to hold back anger when I think of why other people are alive and he's not. I know that isn't right and doesn't make any sense but it's my human side. I pray for peace and so many others are praying for me too. Logocally I know he is fine but then I am overwhelmed with sadness and despair.  I am sorry that we had to meet but comforted by you being here. Take care of yourselves. Beng a mother is so hard.

[summergirl]

Dee - Happy Birthday Kathy, we are blessed by the day you were born, lining up of the planets and the stars !!   Thank you, thank you - I needed that so much! I have been feeling very alone and lost these past days and it is music to me to read your words. You are a very special person and I for one would be lost without you!!

Sonya - I am so happy for your dream of your Danielle!!  I still wait but know that in time my Jessica will come to me when I am ready I guess - maybe I cannot dream of her as I have not come full circle of believing she is never coming home. 

Bonnie - campfire, chili, smores, friends, family, glowing balloons - what more could you want for your wonderful Jason - he was there with all of you and celebrating his life is exactly what you did!!  Your poem is beautiful, tears and smiles throughout. I cannot wait to see the pictures. Tavian says rain drops are kisses from the Angels so you got alot of kisses from all of our Angels!!!

Greg - how right you are - just when you think---------my heart goes out to you and my thoughts as always are with you.

Last few days I have felt as though I am spinning and then standing still - not knowing where to go or what to do. I went to the cemetery and brought two beautiful yellow mums and I could not stay, I could not look at her picture that's embedded in her stone, I could not talk to her, I put the mums by her stone and ran for my car and drove off - crying and asking for forgivness from my baby!!! What is wrong with me!!!!!! I miss her so much my breath leaves me and I find myself gasping for air wondering how I will ever really breathe again!!    Kathy

[heartbeataway]

Oh Kathy!

I'm so sorry that you're at a low point.  They are so hard!

Would it cheer you up to know that we did well with our donations for ARVD this past weekend?  Close to forty people pledged to send contributions to Johns Hopkins for ARVD research.  I got an email tonight with two more.

I will hold you up and pray for strength as you continue this longest and hardest of all life's journey's.

Love!

Bonnie

[ericasmom]

Danasmom,

you are very new to this grief, and I am so sorry for it. It is fresh and raw and the physical pain in your heart is a natural occurance in this most unnatural event. All I can offer are my footsteps, the footsteps of all of us that have been here longer, step in them when you are lost, just follow us and eventually you will find your footing. I believe that we are here before others for that purpose, to help guide the way and assure each new parent to this site, that there is a light that is your child, and he/she will shine on your path as you climb. Maybe it is as Kathy said, as you find your way clear to making some sort of peace in thier absence. Hang on, just hang on. It has to be this hard, it just has to, cause of how much you love your beautiful Son. Sounds like he visited paradise and how wonderful that he had that chance. I am eternally grateful that Erica, who died in July of 2003, had visited Costa Rica. She found it amazing. There is nothing fair or okay about our Kids leaving, it just is. So please as one way to honor your Boy, take good care of your self. Eat and drink plenty of fluids. Our tears take our hydration and we really need to be watchful of that. Take a vitamin, take a walk each day if you are able jsut to be assured each day that the world is still there. Life will be very difficult for a while, for a long while and then you will feel some of the terror easing. You will have to work on it, you will have to allow yourself your grief and allow yourself to laugh one day again. It is a tricky balance.

 

Kathy, I am glad that you had a lovely birthday. Some of what you are feeling could be the residual effect of having had a good time. Sometimes when our guard is down and we actually enjoy ourselves, we feel repentent afterward, or we feel like, yes, that was fun, but not  nearly as fun as when Jess was here. Also, don't under estimate the power of the changing seasons. We react differently to seasonal changes now, it is another season without our Child. Be kind to yourself, cause we all love you. Meant every word of it.

Dee

 

[heartbeataway]

Dansmama,

You are so new to this journey. You need to grieve out loud.

You will see that time and only time will soften the pain of your loss. But, it will always be part of your life.

Don't expect to be strong right now. Let yourself grieve.

Take one hour at a time ..........

There's a documentary called, Space Between Breaths, that I love to watch. You can see a trailer of it at:

 http://www.spacebetweenbreaths.com/

Blessings to you,

Bonnie

[briansdad]

Bonnie,

I met the lady who produced the documentary you mentioned. She is a wonderful soul.

Greg

[heartbeataway]

Greg,

I exchanged letters with her but we never met. I think the documentary is amazing.

How did you get to meet her?

I'm sorry about the guy (SOB) that was involved in Brian's accident.  That has to be gut wrenching for you.

Take care,

Bonnie

[lolynbo]

I SLEEP ALOT SO I CAN MAYBE HAVE A VISIT FROM MY BABY...SHE HADNT VISIT ME YET, BUT SOMETIMES I WAKE UP AND FEEL LIKE IVE BEEN VISITED BY HER BUT CANT REMEMBER IT....SHE DID VISIT MY HUBBY HE SAID THEY KISSED AND LOVED AND HE ASKED HER IF HER HEAD HURT AND SHE SAID "NO" AND WAS GONE...

IM WAITING TIL I CAN FEEL HER AND HEAR HER VOICE....I NEED SOMETHING...I LOVE YOU KOURTNEY AND MISS YOU SO BADLY:(

[cameronsmom1]

I just wanted to share my dream that I had too. At first I would wake up with the replay of my labor all over again. For those who don't know I didn't find out my son was gone until I went into labor and there was no heartbeat. So needless to say knowing I had to deliver my son and not get to keep him was hard enough. I think it was about 5 months after that I finally had a good dream. I dreamed that we got the chance to go back and deliver my son alive but knowing that we only have a day with him. When he was born at first he was still and I started to cry but when I looked back down he was looking up at me and smiling. I yelled for my husband and handed him to him. This was his first son and seeing him hold him was what got me the most because that is what I wanted most, to give him his baby boy. I had a four year old already so this was his first experience with birth and I hated that it had to end the way it did. When I saw him holding Brayden and singing to him I couldn't stop smiling. I felt so much at peace and no longer had the regrets of not holding my son. We spent the whole day just holding him and never thought about him having to leave. We already went through the pain of losing him so we were just taking in our chance to be with him while we could. It was the best dream ever and when I woke up I really felt like I got to see him and hold him. He was beautiful and looked just like his daddy. That was like closure to me.

Amanda

[lostwoher]

Amanda,

Oh what a feeling that must have been for you! Such a beautiful dream.  I only have nightmares while sleeping but I know my Kayla comes to me while Im awake. I get a strong sensation of her being next to me while I am at a low; which is quite frequently. I only wish I could feel her, see her one more time. Ive been told a trillion times that we will meet again but I have lost so much faith in myself as well as in God and am so discouraged. I never was the 'religious type' but I did have hope and believed. I just dont know or understand anymore.

Here's to you and everybodys dreams! Hugs

[mikesmum]

Bonnie - went to the link for Space Between Breaths.  It is amazing.  Another perspective on the one breath at a time.....Grief never leaves, never diminishes, it shifts occassionally but is always with us.  I think your weekend is a perfect example of the honour in which you live your life in the space between breaths. 

Dee - always a centered and positive voice in what can sometimes be a overwhelming noise of grief.  I remember you telling me to be kind to myself, eat right and drink plenty of water.....a brilliant use of the space between breaths that helps me each day.

Anyone know where I might be able to get a copy of the full documentary?  Remember I come from the land downunder........Trudi

[cameronsmom1]

Lynn,

I know it is hard right now to understand. I went through the same thing. I am also not the real religious type and was so angry when everything happened. You think why me, what did I do? Why do others get to keep their child that they don't even want? It's hard because you will feel that way until you get through the acceptance part of the grieving process. I'm still not sure if I have gotten through it or not because I still have days where I just don't understand why something like this would happen to people like us. We wanted our kids to be with us forever. A child should not die before its mother, its just not right. I finally just had to start telling myself I do believe in heaven because I want my son to be there and want to be able to see him again. If I didn't have that hope then I don't think I could make it through. And about the dreams, it makes it hard to get past the loss of your child when you weren't there and are not sure what exactly happened or how it happened. All you have is the story you've made up in your head and that will stick with you until you get some kind of closure. When I lost my son it felt so unreal because I never got to see him alive. So in my head it was like it wasn't real, it was a dream. There were even times I had to almost remind myself that I was pregnant and I did have a baby because I avoided it. I didn't want to believe. It took me 3 months for reality to hit. One day I just walked into the nursery and broke down. I was having to pack up the room because my sister was moving in and that is what made me realize, this really happened, he's not coming home. Then began the next step of grieving. I had went through the denial stage already so then began the depression and anger. Me and my husband finally began counseling about 5 months later and around that time I had my dream. That was my closure because it allowed me to see him alive and do all the things I wanted to be able to do when he was born. I hope that day comes for you soon. I hope that you will see your daughter in your dreams and she will reassure you that she is doing fine and can't wait to see you again. Don't give up hope. We are here for you and will always be.

Amanda

[heartbeataway]

Trudi,

It can be ordered from the web site that you visited.

It is an amazing video. 

Bonnie

[daniellemom]

Bonnie,

I'm so glad your weekend turned out so nice and that you are looking forward to next year.

Kathy, So sorry to hear you are down right now, my prayers are with you. I hope you dream of your Jessica soon. I'm sure you will when the time is right.

Kay, I'm so very sorry you are lonely in your grief. My husband and I also grieve very differenly. I'm more like your husband in that I want to laugh hard at the movies be with family (as long as they will talk about Danielle). Our house is so empty now I can't stand to stay there for long. A lot of people say that that is their comfort zone which is great. I just can't stand being so quite. I think I laugh harder now because Danielle had the loudest laugher of all and she laughed and played a lot. I still miss her and always will but I find myself trying to be more like her since she left. Happy and Laughing at something trying to find the good and fun in life. You may be surprized if you talk to your husband why he grives like he does. My husband expects me to grieve like he does but I can't we are not the same. I also understand about being a Mom to your other children. I feel most of the time my children left behind are getting the short end of the stick with me. They don't always get the happy go lucky everything is great Mom that they had before. Sorry for rambling on. My thoughts are with you always.

Sonya (Danielle Mom)

[briansdad]

I met her at our BP USA Gathering in St Louis. Her and her husband are remarkable people as are all of you here.Just the fact that we can get up in the morning and go to work makes us all extraordinary.

Greg

[cameronsmom1]

Bonnie,

I went on the website and ordered the dvd. I can't wait to get it. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.

Amanda