Loss of an Adult Child

[gleslielucy]

i lost my son 2 months ago. he was 29. he died the day after his birthday. he had a heart attack. i still think it's a bad dream most of the time. my job keeps my sanity. 40 hrs. a week i function with society...the rest are hellish hours alone. he died in memphis, and i live in florida so it makes it even harder to realize he's really gone. i haven't had the nerve to call for help. it seems so stupid. what do you say to a stranger when you're freaking out about one of the most personal matters of your life? anyway, god bless you all out there in my shoes. time will heal i hope. bobby's mom

5/15/76-5/16/05

[daveydow1]

Tinasdad,

So very sorry to hear of your dear daughter's death. Please know that

everyone here is supportive in these terrible times for you. Peace

be with you.

Gleslielucy,

You are in my prayers, and I hope that you are able to find some

small comfort somehow, some way, in these very painful times. We

here at this site try to help each other as much as is possible.

It has been 2 yrs. since my son, Davey, passed away in a terrible

highway accident. I have not gone to any counselors either. I can't

think they would be able to help. I'm not against councelors----I

just don't think I could express to them the depth of the sorrow

that I have. As many here have said----we put on a mask many times,

and it is not easy to take it off before most other people.

[Artina]

Tinasdad,

I am so sorry for your loss. It has been over three years since my son crossed over and I still struggle with the attitude of other's, especially family members. One of the hardest realities, following the loss of a child, is the hard cold reality that our loss is truely "our loss"- I know this is a factor that causes our grief to be more difficult. Beyond Indigo parents understand your frustration and care.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Gleslielucy,

I am so sorry for your loss. You are very fresh into your grief. I lost my son over three years ago and have found Beyond Indigo parents the best support system for "me". I too struggle with talking to a complete stranger about the loss of my child. I'm sure they would help in some way... but I don't push myself to do anything that I am not comfortable with. I beleive that a great support system starts with understanding, and unless they have lost a child... I wouldn't trust that they truely understood. However, they may help other's and each person needs to do what works for them. The key is to do what works for you and what will help you move forward in life.

Peace to you, Tina

[tinasdad]

Daveydow1, thank you so much. I won't take it personally. My degree is in social work. lol. In this pain, I can fully understand and share empathy with all, because this goes beyond an emotional facet of our minds. It tears into our hearts, our souls, and is often pain beyond consoling.

I'm blessed to be comforted by my family, a few select friends who can see past my other career as a pro musician, and my artistic expressions. I went to a concert in NYC last night, which was emotional for me, because the songs Stacey loves were played.

Gleslielucy, there are few things I can say to console, yet I feel such sorrow for you in you loss. In here, we are with friends, and our friends are truly caring. You will soon find you can remove the mask here and let the feelings out. Then you can begin the journey to healing. I'll keep you in prayers.

[julsmom]

tinasdad - I am so sorry for your loss. My 27 y/o daughter died 10/13/03 in a one car motor vehicle crash. It is surprising what will bring tears or extreme boughts of sadness. Being "schooled" in counseling is not always helpful. My husband is a minister and while has helped others through their losses, nothing prepared him for this.

Gleslielucy - I am sorry for your loss too. As far as it being a bad dream as my husband said if it was a bad dream we would wake up and it would be over.

As for counselors, you should try to find one that specializes in bereavement. The other alternative is Compassionate Friends, a group for bereaved parents. Some people have found them very helpful.

Peace to all. Lynda

[kathy714]

Dear Gleslielucy and Tinasdad,i am sorry for your loss,my prayers go out to you both.Ihope you are able to find the comfort and support at this web site.I to loss my son Nathan,Jan 31,2005 on his 21st birthday,i come on every night and read the postings,and it really helps talking with others who have walked in our shoes.I wake everyday wishing this is a bad dream, i look at pictures of Nathan everyday and can't believe he is gone,i talk to him always,i think of him every minute of my day....As for counselors,my husband and i were see a marriage counselor at the time Nathan had passed,and she really has helped us with all the grieving,she is really nice,and i feel she has taken on quite a challage,between Nathan's passing and my husbands illness,the reasons we had gone to her in the first place are long forgotten. T/C EVERYONE you are all in my prayers

[rmcaggiano]

Gleslielucy, I too am so sorry to hear about your son, I too lost mine in May, on May 8th 2005 (Mother's Day). I didn't ask for any help either until a couple of weeks ago. I am in serious counceling and like you, when I am alone and not around my two daughers or anyone, I fall completely to pieces, I miss my son so much. I came on this site not sure what I was looking for, but, everyone does understand what you are going through. I have found the one on one counceling is trying to help, I guess.

Rosie

[rhonda68]

Tinasdad Gleslielucy rmcaggiano, so sorry to hear of your losses. I too lost my son February 23,2005 to a trajic car acccident. The pain is unbareable and I am in consolable but it does help to have the people in this site without all of you i don't know what I would do. No one else understands!

Love to all!

Richards Mom

[tinasdad]

rhonda68, I agree with you so much, that without the people here, I wouldn't know either. I'd be lost in my desair.

To you all! You are the greatest! I recently met the parents of two other girls killed by that _____, and we write daily. Yes, we all want revenge at times, but it will do no good. We pray for his soul as he sits on death row. Like you all, I want to hold my daughter, to tell her and show her how much I love her. That is but a fleeting dream for me. For now, I need to stop writing, the tears are again clouding my eyes. I will be back, and I thank you so much for all your kindness and support.

Stacey, dad loves you.

[daveydow1]

To everyone on this site,

I have been reading the posts, and I find comfort in what

you say, and that I know you are all feeling the same depth

of grief that I feel. People on this sad, unwanted path

know and understand, and are not judgemental as we sometimes

find from the general population. As Artina said----when it

comes down to it-----our loss is "our loss", uniquely.

Tinasdad,

In the past, I have gone to counselors for other problems,

and I found that in general, I was helped. However, as

someone said----nothing prepares us for such a horrific

reality as losing one's child. It just seems to have put

me in a realm of which there seems to be no real turning

back. My husband and I "appear" to be handling it alright,

and we have carried on with our lives, but inwardly we are

just sad and lonely---longing for our boy.

[Michaelsmom]

I try to drop in every now and then to read everyone's responses. It's something that I need to do to built up my strength. One thing I've noticed over the years in this group is the strength of all of you. Having lost children, gives us a special strength to go on - for our family, friends, co-workers, the list goes one. I read many of your stories and I cry with you - all of us do - That is our bond. I agree with Daveydow1 that we appear to be handling our loss but deep down we are sad and lonely. I've lost two children - as some of you know - and I come across as cold - but my grief is within myself - when I am alone I am very sad and can't believe I've lost two children - I help take care of my daughter's children so that is a great comfort. But when they leave the pain continues. My husband is the rock of the earth. He is not their biological father but has raised them for 21 years. He is sometimes on more pain than I am. My only feeling is that this pain never leaves. It's the same every day. How do we go on? I also agree that I am no longer afraid of death - I will welcome it. Thanks for listening.

Michael and Carolyn's Mom

[nikolaismom]

This is my first time on this message board--on any grief message board. I can't sleep again so I thought I'd check it out. I lost my son Nikolai on October 4, 2004. He was 28 years old. He died suddenly of a rare heart condition that no one knew he had. To the outside world it seems like I'm doing quite well, and sometimes even to me it seems I am doing quite well. But then something comes up--like my birthday last week--and reminds me that I am not doing well at all--only pretending. It just seems so unfair that I get another birthday and Nikolai will never get another birthday. He had so much to offer the world and I feel like I have nothing left, like I am an empty shell moving through the days. I don't know that I can ever learn to live with Nikolai's death, only to live around it.

[jscmom]

To all,

I am so very sorry for all of our losses. This nightmare we are now living in is unbearable. It has been a little more than eight months since John died and I just can not get pass it. Work doesn't help it just prolongs what I am feeling, I hope we can all can get through this.

[julsmom]

to Nicholaismom - I am sorry for your loss.

To those who post "we appear to do well". I agree. Someone told me I was stoic through Julie's death, others have me told me if it were them they would just crawl into bed and not get out. I guess that it is not option. It would not bring her back, crying and screaming, ranting and raving would not help either (though I have done that in private). We all just keep on truckin' as they say. May we all find peace (and sleep). Lynda

[tinasdad]

Nikolaismom, we are sorry for your loss. We hope you feel welcome and comfortable here. Getting beyond the pain means going through it. As painful as it seems, we can't go around this.

The unbearable nightmare is so fitting. If I can just wake up, she'll be okay, but when I do, she's not here. We'll get through the sorrow, we'll survive. Take heart for the small step ahead, knowing it leads you closer to peace.

Stacey, Dad loves you.

[Artina]

Nickolaismom,

I am sorry for your loss. As Tinasdad said, I too hope you feel welcome here. We do the best to comfort each other with the tools we have carved from our own experiences. Please take what works for you and leave what does not- for we all grieve in our own different ways and in our own time.

Peace to you, Tina

[kathy714]

Dear Nickolaismom,Iam sorry for your loss ,i hope you can find some comfort from this site. I can relate to having a differcult time around your birthday,my birthday was also last week,and i have been an emotional wreck ever since,ialso feel very lonely,and i don't want to feel like i'm begging people to come over just to keep me company.Ifeel like they all have their own family and why would they want to commme hang with poor depressed me. I catch myself watching other families especially in the market.Strange,but the market seems to really bother me because most of the food i bought when i shopped was for Nate,and now everytime i go in the market all the food reminds me of Nathan[frozen pizza's]...T/C you will be in my prayers ..

[rmcaggiano]

Hello to everyone, (Hello Daveydow1).

I guess everyone knows and remembers who I am (Nicholas' mom).

Yesterday the Sherriff's office called and told me

that my sons Autopsy will be here Thursday. It's been since

May 8th and it's now here. I am meeting with him to go over

it, they are looking to find an "Opiate" in his system,

from the night I lost him, we all know it's there, that is

why he didn't wake up that morning. I guess they will find the

guy who gave Nicholas the Heroin. If Nicholas is positive for

the drug (which I know he will be), they will file Second Degree

Manslaughter charges on this kid. I am not sure how or what I feel,

numb, because no matter what happens, my son isn't here.

Again, thank-you all for being here.

Rose, Nicholas' mommy

[tinasdad]

Rose, my heart goes out to you with sorrow. I'll pray for you. Feeling numb is a way for our heart's to protect us from the pain we truly feel inside.

The one who killed Stacey is in prison, yet I still feel the pain and emptiness of her loss. Justice did not bring her back to her father's arms, and it can't. I must go on, and I shall, but with a vacant place in my heart where she should be. Mark

Stacey, Dad loves you

[daveydow1]

Nicolaismom,

I am sorry to hear of your loss. I hope you will come

to this site as often as you feel up to it, as we all

know and understand. Peace be with you.

Rose,

I understand your grief & anger. It is so unfair, when

someone else causes the death of a young person who has

a lot to offer society, and especially their own family.

I pray that the person who gave your son the herione will

be made to pay for his careless disregard of another's life.

After 2 yrs. I am not as angry as I once was at the trucker

who fell asleep at the wheel and killed my son, Davey, who

was a young 31 yrs. old, and single. The driver admitted to

police that he felt ill with the flu before coming on to his

shift, but drove anyways, and set the truck on cruise control,

then fell asleep. He wrecked 7 cars, and sent 20 people to the

hospital. My son was the only one killed. So sorry to vent like

this. Having a bad day. My prayers are with you and your family.

Peace be with you.

[briansdad]

I'm just curious.I'm finding myself becoming more and more angry at the guy who was driving the truck Brian met on the turn the morning he died.The police have cleared him of all the blame but the only one who can dispute it is dead.There are many grey areas that just don't add up.I also have a statement from a witness who was behind the truck and saw what happened and things sound a lot different from the original accident report.I'm just finding it very hard to just forgive this guy.I want to confront him.But why now? Why almost a year later.When I think of him getting off scott free my stomach just ties up in knots.Has anyone had to deal with this?

[julsmom]

Briansdad -I haven'thad to deal with this, Julie's was a one car crash, but I can understand why you are angry. I often wonder about the person in the car ahead of hers (she struck it before going out of control- so hard to say those words) and what he/she thinks some days.

Peace, Lynda

[rhonda68]

Hello I am so angry and frustrated and I hate myself so much I feel that I did something very wrong not to have my son. I love him so much and just want him to come home. This is driving me very nuts. His headstone will be put in soon I saw the drawing and it looks very good and I could see my son smiling at me because I know he would like it but it just makes me so angry that I have to do all of this. His headstone is shaped in a heart it has a drawing of a discman on it as that is what he wore on his head constantly he loved music. There is also a drawing of a boy on a dirbike something he also liked to do. Take care love you all!

Richards Mom

[daveydow1]

Briansdad,

I feel a lot of anger towards the truck driver that killed my

son on June 14/03. I guess it has lessened somewhat in the 2

yrs. since it happened, but we too found a lot of discrepencies

in the police report. As it happened at 12:17 p.m. at a crowded

freeway exit, there were many witnesses. I found out from the

report that my son was tested for drugs/alcohol at the hospital

he was life-flighted to. THEN, when the highway patrol were

notified of David's death, they went to the trucker's home and

asked him for a urine sample to test. His sentence was a token

slap on the wrist. We were disappointed in that, but he never

apologized to us---even at the hearing. He apologized to HIS

family for the trouble he caused them. To be fair, he seemed as

though he was almost in a daze, and not deliberately clueless.

You have undergone a terrible injustice that the other driver in

your son's accident got off scott free. We found that it is very

difficult to get some of the answers you seek. We just gave up

more or less, and will always be left to wonder many things.

Peace be with you.

[julsmom]

Rhonda - it was so hard to put Julie's headstone up. What can one say - yes it looks nice for what it is (hers has her picture and a quote from the Bible that was meaningful to her). You did not do anything wrong, nor did our children. May you find peace.

Daveydow1 - I am sorry you never got answers that you needed. I too wonder about her accident, I have never read the complete report, although my husband has. She is gone. Nothing will change that. I still need to protect my emotions and well being almost 21 months later and cannot bring myself to read the police report or the hospital bill. Lynda

[isabelle]

Briansdad,

So sorry for your pain. I understand what you feel, although my son's death was from the result of a one car accident. In looking through papers and the timeline, the first ems on the scene cared for my son's passenger, who let himself out of the car (that's the easier of the two to care for). I also know that my son was alive and conscious, based on the first person on the scene, who told me my son spoke. Nothing was done for my son, Nothing at all. The second ambulance arrived 17 minutes after the first one, at that time they claim to have performed CPR, but the ambulance record does not show this, all it shows is that my son was dead on arrival of the ambulance. The assistant coroner lied to me - told me that they could only get one ambulance to the scene - Acadian Ambulance director tells me that there were two ambulances and a life flight helicopter. Asst. coroner also tells me that funeral home couldn't pick up my son's body - traffic, truck leak miles behind the accident. Asst. coroner tells me he had to put my son's body in the back of his van - I don't know yet what kind of van this man drove, but if I find out he put my son's body on the floor of a van, I'll flip out and it won't be pretty. Lies, lies, lies that is all I got - that's okay, cause when they have to face our creator they will have to tell the truth. I still believe that it is only a matter of time until I go "postal".

Again, I am so sorry for your pain. Bless you.

Elizabeth

Ray's Mom

[nikolaismom]

Thank you for all of your comments and warm wishes. I feel so bad for those of you that lost your child due to an accident or at the hands of someone else, and yet I understand your anger. I am angry too but I'm not sure who or what to be angry at. Nikolai died quietly of an undiagnosed heart disease. In retrospect, we recognize a few symptoms--but who ever suspects a 28 year old of having heart problems? I have all these feelings and don't know where to put them or what to do with them or how to get rid of them. I haven't gone through anger yet. Maybe that's what's keeping me awake at night. I do experience a lot of guilt--even though it makes no sense intellectually (for the most part,) there it is.

[tinasdad]

Isabelle, I can think of no words to write that would calm the pain in your heart. You will be in my prayers. It just seems you are justified in your reaction. He should have been on a bird for transport, not ground.

DaveyDow1, after driving a transport [tractor trailer] for 780,000 miles without crash or ticket, I get upset when drivers climb up behind the wheel when they're ill. They need to take a little time to rest. As I read your post, I began to think of how dispatchers push drivers to get the load in on time, and drivers push to comply, even if they're ill. The perfect recipe for disaster. If you ever want to talk to someone who's been in trucking, I'm willing to talk privately.

Nikolaismom, Anger is a stage of grief. There are five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. They can come in any order, even in pairs. I hope you don't feel guilty over not doing enough for his health, because you did everything you knew and more.

I had a reasonably good day today. I'm planning for my emotions to run wild when I receive Stacey's effects and documents. Mark

Stacey, Dad loves you

[jscmom]

Hi, I might anger a few of you on regarding not being angry with John's girlfriend. As must of you know she was driving that horrible night. They had gone to dinner and played pool at a local pub. She was drunk yet so was John. His level was higher than hers so who knows what would have happened if he drove that night...there may have two kids dead.

Don't get me wrong I am angry very angry but not at her. I am angry they both made the choice to drink and drive. I always have pleaded with my son do not get in the car and drive while drinking and not as a passenger either.

I have read several reports that are very conflicting from police reports to emt reoprts to med flight reports to emergency room reports through the 14 days he was in a coma. All different. I was never told my son died in the emergency room before surgery and again during surgery. I was told he was young and strong and he would get through this he was going to wake up within a few days all I can say is LIES!!!!

3 days before his accident I woke up from a dead sleep and told my husband something bad was going to happen to John and it did.

So much pain and heartache i know I will never get over i don't know how to go on.

His marker also reflects John, Oakland Raider shield on one side his picture in the middle and a skate board on the other side. It reads his last words to me 12 hours before the accident "I love you mama; I love you too son", along with verses and family information.

This walk we must walk is more like crawling.,

Johnny's mom 22 forever

Thanks for letting me share

[ellswest]

Two years ago today, my son Bobby died almost instantly when his friend fell asleep at the wheel. They were out late at night, and not wearing seat belts. I have always felt that it was as much my son's fault as the drivers, because I know Bobby talked him into going out that night and my son had been drinking. There wasn't enough alcohol in the drivers system to convict him and I know Bobby would not have wanted his friend to suffer any manslaughter charges. We have seen this boy several times since the accident. He has Bobby's name tattoed on his chest and I know he will suffer from the guilt his whole life. It is so painful to see him.

I have gone through the stages of grief and feel that I may be coming out of the depression stage. Like all of you, it has been a living hell. His ashes are still in the cardboard box that they came in on a shelf in our living room. We can't bear to part with them. This website has been more helpful than any counseling or book that I have read.

My beautiful son, I will miss you forever.

Bobby Ellsworth - June 3, 1985 to July 27, 2003

Mary

[tinasdad]

Jscmom, no anger here. You need to have peace in your heart, not mine. This is all about you grieving, working through it, and reaching the point where your heart can have peace again, not all this trauma and sorrow. They made tragic choices, and for your sake, I'm so deeply sorry they did. I live with a thousand "what if's" in my heart, because my daughter was raped and murdered.

Mary, there is no reason for you to "part with" your son's ashes, as you wrote, so let your heart be at peace. I understand the turmoil over seeing the other boy. I can't bear to see photos of the one who killed Stacey. He sickens me. I'm trying to forgive him, but. . . . . I'm her father. Mark.

Stacey, Dad loves you.

[daveydow1]

Tinasdad,

I guess I just gave up on trying to get straight answers

regarding why the trucker was on the road that day when

he was sick. We tried, but got excuses such as---no records

available etc. We didn't have the energy to pursue it much.

It would not bring Davey back. The horrible circumstances

of the loss of your dear daughter are so very traumatic. I

can see your being sickened by the sight of the terrible criminal

who was responsible. I think that everyone on this site feels

overwhelmed with the mixture of anger, guilt, and the unrelenting

sorrow we have to carry in our hearts and minds. Everyone has

to do it in their own way and time frame. No carved-in-stone

rules or plans. You are in my prayers. Peace be with you.

[daveydow1]

Ellswest,

Your son, and my son Davey died within a little over a month

apart under the same circumstances----someone falling asleep

at the wheel. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you are

able to find some comfort, somehow on this sad road we must

all travel. Peace be with you.

[danielsmom]

Ellswest,My thoughts are with you today.My son died in a car accident on April 17,2005,and every day is just as hard as the last.I also have Daniel's ashes at home with us.When we brought him home,I put the ashes in his room and it felt like the right place for him. Take care of yourself

Wendy

[kathy714]

Reading through the post there is a lot being said about ,anger and guilt.Many know my son Nathan was found in a bank parking lot,lying next to a van,Jan.31st 2005 on his 21st birthday.There are many,many unanswered questions.What we do know is a friend of Nathans caled him the night before his bithday inviting him to come down to the bar she was working at so she could buy him a drink for his birthday[he would be 21 at midnight].Nathan's puppy had fallen through the ice that day and he had been upset because they couldn't save him ,we both cried all day over this puppy.I agreed to take him there because he said he was going to stay over the bartenders house which was a block from the bar.I fiqured what could happen ,he wasn't driving anywhere,the was only an hour to closing,he was sober when i dropped him off...A short time after midnight Nathan left the bar with some older guy he didn't know so his friend Rose could close up and was suppose to come right back,she tried calling his cell phone at 12:30 and he didn't answer.The police say that the only trauma was a scrape on his chin and hand,the guy he left with keeps changing his story but they think NATHAN died from hypothemia r/t alcohol intoxication.We still haven't seen the medical examiners report and even the police that the press was pressuring the medical examiner for a cause and that it would take 9 monthes for the final report .Sometimes i feel guilty for taking him there ,sometimes i get angry at his friend for calling him only once and not looking for him,she knew he didn't have a car and it was 15 degrees out that night,but i'm sure she lives with her own guilt.People also said we should press charges against the bar,but i wouldn't ever do that Nathan wouldn't want that he was an adult.Everyone ,even the police say there is a lot of things that don't make sense,and i wish i had the energy to investagate more and i would if it would bring Nathan back,but unfortunatly it won't.,,,You all are in my prayers

[jscmom]

Mark-Tinasdad, I would not or be not forgiving in your situation. That monster who took your daughter should rot in hell. It is bad enough to lose our children any any sense and forgiving is a hard thing to do but if I was were you are that monster will never be forgiven, I know i just would not be able to do it..I don't think I would want to.

I was a victim a long time ago I never forgave or forgot. The creep has since died may he rot in hell.

Shannon Johns girlfriend loved my son as he did her. They were to married this past spring. I only can do what my heart tells me and mostly what my son would have wanted me to do.

I was told I can sue the pub but what will that do except cause more grief and it won't bring him back, besides that is where he had a good time.

I am told I can sue the hospital for malpractice since they did not work on John's head injury again whats the purpose the results are still the same.

John is no longer here, my life will never be the same. Happiness is hard to find. Shannon has to live with the choice they made which I can't imangine that. I have lost 1/2 of family members because of my choice to fight for Shannon and the choice they made that night. And so as it goes I can't please everyone it is hard enough to please myself.

Today was Shannon's birthday her 1st birthday without my son. I went to his grave to bring him flowers for her as that is what he would have done for her if he was still here. It was a very hard day for me did not want to get out of bed but I know John would have wanted me to.

Take care all

P.S. I know it is hard to see the boy who was driving the car but what he has to live with the rest of his life he will never forget. I know when I talk with Shannon she relives 9/26 everyday the sound of the accident my sons moans and so on. I don't think I could live with it.

Johns closest friends also had tattos a cross with his initals on their leg. My daugher got her plates changed to "jc sis" so I guess we do what we need or what makes us feel some peace no resolution just peace.

Again sory for being so long winded...jusyt hurting so much today and you my friend listen without judgement.

Johnny's mom forever 22

[tinasdad]

Daveydow1, there's a thing drivers call the dazed and confused. It's the DAC report. All wrecks charged to a driver are in it. It has errors, but mostly clericals, and as far as any other records allegedly unavailable, a driver has to keep his old log books like tax records. Every hour and every mile is written in that book. To drive without it is a serious legal problem. Someone is pulling wool.

jscmom, Thanks for that. I have some harsh feelings, and even a restraining order to stay away from that state, like I can enter a prison? lol. I sat with a friend last night crying for over an hour, even making myself sick from crying so much. She's gone forever. I can't hug her, laugh with her, or walk her down the aisle to give her away to the most blessed man alive. It hurts. Today, I started thinking of a memorial for her, seeing she has no grave. You don't want me to say why. I decided to get a custom chain with 3 birthstones, mine, hers, and another for the month she died. As she was adopted in 1975 when I was 14 years old, this will be the only gift I can ever give her. Now I'm crying, so I'm going to say bon nuit. Mark

Stacey, Dad loves you

[rmcaggiano]

To: Kathy, Mark and Daveydow,

I buried my son Nicholas on May 14, 2005 Exactly

Two months to the day after his 21st birthday. We

are now just getting the results of his Autopsy

back, I meet with the Sherriff today at 10:00am. I

couldn't sleep much last nite again and I'm not quite

sure how or what I feel. I have two daughters who have a

birthday tomorrow, together, one will be 18 and the other

14, the thought of my Nicholas not being here to see

them on this day feels so bad.

It seems as these days go by his face in my dreams seems

clearer and he is always Smiling and Happy. I am

believing that he is safe and in the Sunshine.

He always told his oldest sister (Samantha)that when she

turned 18 he'd take her out for a night on the town. Both

of my girls miss him so much, sometimes when I watch them

it hurts so much to know the pain they both feel. Not to

mention my grandson only two years old, not having his

Daddy to grow up with.

I know today when I leave the Sherriff's office I will go

to the cemetery and see Nicholas.

Again, Thank-you all for Praying for

my son.

Rose, Nicholas' mommy

[kathy714]

Dear rmcaggiano,my thoughts are with you as you go through such a differcult time today,i'm sure it will bring up many emotional feelings and with your two daughters birthday's tomorrow,i'll say a prayer you all get through these emotional times. T/C Kathy,Nates mom

[tinasdad]

Rose, I've been praying for you today. Hopefully, you will have answers you need to give your heart peace. While your daughters try to celebrate, they will also be hurting in a different way. These are times when siblings get depressed.

Today has been emotional, for a friend, for me. My sorrow is like a hurricane, pounding a shoreline with a merciless fury. It comes in an overwhelming rush, quels in the eye, then rages again through the tail. But it just replays, day after day. I only want Stacey to be safe with me. I have a deep guilt that I could have been there to protect her. Stacey was adopted, and her mother never told me she was even pregnant. She was born near my 14th birthday - yes, she's really mine. Had I known, I could have kept her and raised her, and she'd be alive now. Had I found her sooner, I could have protected her and she'd be alive. I feel a hatred for myself because I let her down, and it cost her life. I didn't even know about her until 4 years ago. 2 months before she was killed, she tried to find me, and I feel so useless that she couldn't find me. Why wasn't I there for her? This is such a bitter pain.

[daveydow1]

Tinasdad,

Thanks for the info on logs & records. Truthfully, we just

gave up trying to get information. We did not have the energy

with such terrible shock and grieving. We knew by the runaround

we were getting that there were things that we would never find

out. Your terrible grief and guilt is an overwhelming thing right

now. I feel so very bad for you and the loss of dear Stacey. I

pray that in time, you are able to find some peace in your life. My prayers

are for you in this path we walk on.

[daveydow1]

Rmcaggiano,

My heart goes out to you in these agonizingly early days

after your loss. As parents, I believe that losing our

child(ren) has changed us forever. We will never be the

same.....how could we be? I will pray that you can find

some peace, somehow, and also for your daughters and

your dear little grandson. Peace be with you.

[Artina]

Tinasdad,

I am sure your would have been there for your daughter- if you would have known you had one. What an unfair circumstance. I wish there was something I could say to ease your pain. It is obvious that you would have been a great father to her and I know that she can feel that loving energy coming from you right now. I can feel the love you have for your daughter when I read your posts... It continues on.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Jscmom,

I too felt something 3 days before my son died. I remember crying to my husband that something bad was going to happen- I could feel it. I thought it was my mom or dad- NOT my son. I couldn't have prevented it, because I'm not that powerful. It hurts so bad...

Peace to you, Tina

[tinasdad]

Tina, thank you. Only my wife and faith in God mean more to me than my children, and only by a hair's width margin. I am proud to speak of my deep devotion to my family. No matter what, we could have never stopped these tragedies that befell Stacey, only face the painful aftermath of their realities. Peace is a treasure I seek with fervor.

Daveydow1, although your grief is so unbearable now, it will someday soften, even if only a little. I am sorry you suffer this pain. My prayers are with you. While I say it so ofen, give yourself time for something that will uplift your spirit and comfort your heart. Have you heard of a candle that contained frankincense? The spice is used to remind us of God's presence and of our prayers. They may be difficult to locate, but worth it.

Thank you all for letting me exprees the sorrow in my heart today. My tragedy has been so difficult, and my loss profound, yet as I write here, I feel a little relief each time. Thank you all so much. Mark

Stacey, Dad loves you.

[griffinsmom]

It just is that no matter what we do, how much we cry, beg, plead, bargain, wish, pray- our children will not be walking through the door as we know them any time soon- if ever. This is what I tell myself when I get too out of control, that there's nothing I can do to change what has happened. It stinks.

You can meet us at: https://griffin-schwartz.memory-of.com/about.aspx

[kathy714]

Dear griffinsmom,i know exactly what you mean,i feel the same way,i feel like i always was able to protect my son,no matter what happened,if he got in a jam ,i could help him get out,if he needed something, iwas able to provide.This time no matter how much i beg,bargin or pleade,i can not change the situation.When Nathan was 14 i was having troubles with him and the law,mostly kid stuff ,nothing violent or mean,but he was always in the wrong place at the wrong time,but because of this he had been placed on home confindment,and that was the best thing,because of that we spent so much time together and he really turned out to be a good kid,even when it was over and Nathan could leave and go out,he never did instead he would do everything with my husband and i,we did a lot of camping and bluegrass fest.Nathan always stayed home and his friends would come here,thats why i understand what you mean,i just can't believe my beautiful son will never physically be with me again.....ALSO i visited your son Griffin's website and it is very touching,the skateboarding,the music everything reminded me of Nathan,i cried. T/C Kathy, Nathan's mom

[griffinsmom]

Kathy (my number is 714)....

Thanks for visiting Griffins site.

It is very frustrating to be out of the control of situations involving your kids- and this situation is the epitome of not being in control. This must be what is meant by handing it over, because that is all you can do. I find that very hard. I just miss my kid.

[tinasdad]

griffinsmom, I took a little time a couple nights ago to check out Griffin's site. It's a beautiful tribute. I'm thankful you wrote those words "handing it over." They mean so much to me. I feel helpless to bring Stacey back to me, and the anger I feel is a dangerous thing to hold. In time, I may let the anger go, but for now, it makes me feel a little safer, a little stronger. I pray for our hearts to have peace. Mark

Stacey, Dad loves you.