Loss of an Adult Child

[rhonda68]

Dear Jasonsdad you are so right about us caring for one another I don't know what I would have done without all of you because no one seems to get it except my friends on here. I don't even want to associate with people anymore because of their lack of understanding.

Dear Kathy thinking of you today this is so heartbreaking and hoping you find some comfort. I cant beleive too that the rest of my life is without my son I cant give him a kiss on the cheek and tell him I love him anymore. This almost has driven me crazy I really try to turn my head off to the future. Life is just not very exciting or interesting anymore!

Richards Mom

[Artina]

I've been gone the last week and I haven't been able to check in with all of you. Wow... there has been a lot of postings. I am so sorry for all of us. I understand the pain of hearing words that don't offer support. The reality and fall out after losing a child is probably the part that people who haven't lost a child don't understand. Our loss is a forever deal and believe me, if we could get over it- we would! Who want's stay in this hurt... that alone should be obviouse to people. Anyway, just know that we care and understand that there are people who just don't belong on our friendship list anymore.

I too am sorry for those of you who are going through the "holidays" with angel dates attached to them. A variable that makes these already difficult days- even more difficult.

Peace to all of us- Tina

[heartbrokendad]

Hi friends,

Yesterday was CarrieAnns 37th birthday, I went there with a poem I had written, Ballons,helium, and trepidation. It went just like I had hopped it would.

I read the poem, it went like this:

Dear child of mine

Who I cant see

you went ahead

ahead of me

it wasnt fair

that you should go

I should be there

as we all know

but one day soon

and it wont be long

I'll be with you

to hear your song.

Then I played the tape of her singing"Take My Breath Away"and I played it LOUD

I cried like I havnt cried in a few days.....I miss them so...

Peace to all of you,

and Happy Birthday CarrieAnn....

Stu

[Artina]

Stu,

That was lovely... I too would like to extend a warm and loving thought to your baby girl- CarrieAnn.

Peace to you, Tina

[jscmom]

I haven't witten for awhile for a few reasons but have been reading all of the posts. Stu-How hard that must of been for you but what a beautiful tribute.And the poem awesome.

As for for me I am totally sicken by STUPID statements. I know how would say them so I am so thankful for caller ID.

It is going on 9 months since John died...forever ago yet it feels like today. I keep wondering how could life (God) be so cruel.

I find myself trying to find good in this awful world without my son, my friend but it is so hard. I am blessed with two beautiful grandaughters and my daughter but our family isn't whole anymore.

How are we supposed to be happy on regular days much less the holidays? They say our children are in a better place really...without their parents hard to believe.

When going to the cemetary I just keep looking at his marker asking myself why why take such a young man who just started his life and leave me here. I was dying 10 yeras ago I prayed to stay alive so I can watch my son grow up graduate ect..I was supposed to die not him. I don't expect people to understand unless they lost a child, they also have given up on me as the ones that you thought would be there for you arent anyway take care everyone.

Thanks for letting me vent. I am sorry for all the birthdays and angel dates this month and every day there after.

John's mom forever 22

[kathy714]

I hope everyone managed to get through the holiday,and those with birthday's and angel dates,my heart goes out to you.My son Kevin and i went with a bunch of rrelatives and friends up to the cemetary,lit a red,white and blue candle and set off a couple little fireworks that were Nathans from last year,everyone signed his cross that we made [until we get a marker]and we told some memories of Nathan.It was sad but nice,at least i felt like i spent some time with him today. Rhonda68 ,thank you for your reply ,i hpoe you made it through today ok.Stu that was a lovely poem. T/C Kathy,Nathans mom

[rmcaggiano]

Hello again to everyone. Today is day 59 since I've lost my son Nicholas. I didn't think that the 4th would mean anything to me I thought it would feel just like another miserable day, however last night when I could hear fireworks going off everywhere, I began to panic, all of a sudden it did bother me, all I could remember were all of the years before when Nicholas would shoot them off and he wasn't here, I couldn't breath and I thought I was going to collapse outside. I miss him so much, UNDESCRIBABLE! He and his sisters and I use to do them together, I guess I didn't think it would phase me but, it has.

Rose...........Nicholas' mommy

[griffinsmom]

Hi friends,

Yesterday was CarrieAnns 37th birthday, I went there with a poem I had written, Ballons,helium, and trepidation. It went just like I had hopped it would.

I read the poem, it went like this:

Dear child of mine

Who I cant see

you went ahead

ahead of me

it wasnt fair

that you should go

I should be there

as we all know

but one day soon

and it wont be long

I'll be with you

to hear your song.

Then I played the tape of her singing"Take My Breath Away"and I played it LOUD

I cried like I havnt cried in a few days.....I miss them so...

Peace to all of you,

and Happy Birthday CarrieAnn....

Stu

Very nice poem- but all I have to say is ....THIS REALLY SUCKS....FOR LACK OF A BETTER WAY TO EXPRESS THESE FEELINGS. Hope I am not being offensive to anyone.

Happy Birthday, CarrieAnn-

[heartbrokendad]

Dear Grifinsmom,

Your right, this sucks big time. Thats all I have...

[rhonda68]

Dear stu awesome poem. We celebrated my dads birthday yesterday and it was the first one my son has ever missed my son and his grandpa were so close this is so hard having that empty place. I want my son back I dont want to go on without him I hate this. Dont know how I am going to make it. I also went and sat with my angel son this morining and all that goes threw my head is why why? Take care and thinking of you Stu!

Richards Mom

[daveydow1]

Artina,

You mentioned in your post that some people just don't belong

on our friendship list anymore. I believe this is true, and

it is good to hear someone else say so. I have had to just

let a couple of friendships go by the wayside because of poor

(or no ) understanding. Just wasn't working anymore. I don't

have the energy to keep up with it. There were no unpleasant

words or anything like that. I just gave up. Peace to you.

[daveydow1]

Stu,

What a nice poem you have written for you children. I

pray that you get some kind of comfort in the coming

days on this path that we are all on. Your observance

of Carrie Ann's birthday was very nice and fitting.

My prayers are with you.

[daveydow1]

Rncaggiano,

So sorry to hear about your 4th and your reaction to the fireworks.

We used to always go to the local fireworks display every year.

I have not been to it since losing my dear David (June '03), and

have very little interest in it or much else. My heart goes out

to you in your sorrow for your loss of dear Nicholas. This is

a terrible road to be on. I pray for all of us. Peace be with you.

[rhonda68]

Dear Daveydow1 I am sure finding it hard with friends I have found out that I dont have very many. But I don't care anymore I would rather just be by myself than have any of those nasty people in my life. I will never forget my son like other people think I should do. I have been told so many mean and nasty things I can hardly even tolerate anyone. Being alone is much better and being with my friends on here. Take Care!

Richards Mom

[jscmom]

Well here I am again, I have read all the posts tonight and cried for all of us.

I find it so hard to be here with all of you shareing my pain but all of you KNOW this God forsaken pain. The void in our lives trying to go on as if nothing has changed forever.

How are we to go on??????????

Everyday I wait for John to call or walk in the door. I want to change our number John would not have the new number so I won't expect it to be him. I wish I could move out of our home, knowing he wouldn't have ever been to the new one hence he I would not except him to walk in there. Does anyone else feel this way? I want to just leave, no place special just go.

THIS DOES SUCK as so does Life as I now know it.

Take care all

[kathy714]

Dear jscmom,i just read your post ,and yes i feel like that everyday,i start crying everytime i picture Nathan coming out of his room,or coming through the back door.I cried all weekend because Nathan would go from house to house during the 4th of July and then come fill me in on who was doing what,who was having cookouts,who had the best fireworks,he was always happy,now my house will never be the same.Right after Nathan passed i kept saying to my husband,"let's just get in the car and drive,i didn't care where,i just wanted out!!!.And everyday i picture Nathan's beautiful face,and when i realize he is gone,it takes my breath away,and i can't even breath.I agree LIFE DOES SUCK AND WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!!!!

[griffinsmom]

"Funny"

For the longest time, I would not lock the doors for fear Griffin could not get in. I still think twice before locking them. As far as leaving- my entire life is on stop and i dont want to go anywhere for fear...I dont know what. I dont want to leave Griffins room and his "stuff", and could not even think of moving out of the house. Some friends of ours want to move to Ecuador, and I cant even imagine leaving. I used to be such a free spirit- now I just stay in my room....I only leave when its necessary-like today, there is no food here and I have to go to the grocery store. Dreading it for many days now. Life sure is different. My baby girl is getting older and needs to expand her world soon...shes 8 months old. Guess thatll force me to the park. Later all-

[rmcaggiano]

To Kathy and Griffinsmom, I guess what I feel is what we all do. I am somewhere still believing that my Nicholas is going to come back. I have his jeep parked outside and it has been 60 days today since he's been gone, I look out the window everymorning believing that I am going to see him come and get it, but, he hasn't yet. When I lost him on Mother's Day, I lost him to a "Heroin" overdose, Nicholas was in college and worked part time and is a terrific Father. He wasn't a user of this drug, he met someone from school who introduced this aweful drug to him. No one knew anything of this kid but that he was from Chapel Hill, North Carolina. He knew Nicholas for about a month and the night that Nicholas tried this drug, He Never Woke Up! Now I know that this kid has a criminal record for all kinds of drug offenses. In all of this, somewhere inside of me I keep thinking "maybe Nicholas and this kid got into some trouble and their just hiding out for a while until it's safe to come back". So, everytime (especially at night) when someone pulls around to his jeep I keep thinking it's going to be Nicholas. This is so aweful, I do know now what the two of you feel. Sometimes I would let God "hold" my two girls for five minutes just to have Nicholas for one more time and then have God give them back to me and I would have all three of them again. Life is a Deep, Dark Hole and it's so unrightous.

Daveydow, Thank-you for your thoughts and your prayers, remember, you too are in mine.

Rose........Nicholas' mommy

[jasonsdad]

I wish I could meet all of you and give you a big hug. I also wish I could say some magic words that would give us some peace. Last week one of my customers , who had become a friend,(not socially) had been on dialysis for quite a while and fell in his house and bled to death. His widow came out yesterday and spoke with me. The first time I had seen her. She thanked me for being a friend to Ken and we talked and shed a few tears. She had heard that I had lost a Son and said she could not even imagine that. Well it's been over 20 months, since Jason died and I still can't imagine it either. I try to have faith, but my yearning, guilt and separation anxiety take over. The mornings for me are the worst. Maybe tears are meant to be shed, they are taking the place of laughter we had when Jason was here. Like my Wife said the other day, that before this happened She thought about it, but the reality is a thousand times worse then She could imagine. My heart goes out to you all, especially those that are alone. God Bless You! Dan

[brin3d]

Heartbrokendad

I just wanted to let you know that I did not forget you or your children on July 3rd. I celebrated Carrie Ann's birthday with my own and my Darcia's life, though short it was. I read your poem and it was beautiful and Carrie Ann would be so proud to have a dad like you are. I know that you still have some rough spots left in this month so I hope that you will find some peace somehow over these next couple weeks.

I will be dealing with my 2nd anniversary date July 8th in a couple days and I am not sure that I will find peace that day. I miss her more than two years ago and I think of her each and every day and shed my private tears for my lost child.

Thank you all for listening and just being here in this place where none of of want to be.

Barb

[briansdad]

I'm going to Indy for a yearly car show Brian used to go to.I think it was his favorite trip of the year.His car still has no motor.He took it out the week he died.But I'm putting it on a trailer and taking it up there.His buddies wanted me to.This is a national show so there will be a lot of cars.They told me that they made an award in Brians name and they want me to present it.You talk about being proud.It's also bittersweet because it makes me miss him all the more.Right now ,though, my mission in life is to keep his memory alive and finish his car the way he wanted it.Nothing loftier that that. So I guess thats as good as it gets.

I think of you folks all the time.

Take Care

[missingchris]

BriansDad,

Your friends will be with you in spirit. And you have a right to be proud. Listening to the things you do to keep Brian's memory alive help the rest of us hold tight to our memories and give us the courage to do things that keep our own children alive for ourselves and others. Sometimes it isn't that easy, especially when faced with people who would just like us to move on. Let us know how it went.....

Chris's parent's

[daveydow1]

Brin3d,

You are in my thoughts & prayers as your Darcia's angel

day comes up July 8. We are at about the same time line

when we lost our dear children. (Davey's angel day 6/14)

People tell me that I have to "let him go". I can't think

that I will ever be able to do that. I don't want to. Have

people said that to you? I would like to hear some input

from anyone who has had someone advise them to " let them go".

I am so sorry for your loss of daughter Darcia. Peace to

you & your family.

[daveydow1]

Rhonda68

I read your post, and I must say that I feel a lot like

you do regarding keeping to yourself. I believe that when

others say dumb hurtful things, that it makes us just

withdraw a little bit more. We are the walking wounded,

and in such a state of sorrow, that we no longer have the

energy or the will to try to explain our feelings to anyone--

let alone those who don't understand. I keep to myself most

of the time. I'm not a recluse, but I just don't have the

will to interact that much anymore. Peace to you.

[heartbrokendad]

Dear Barb,

Thank you for celebrating Carrie Anns birth date, and I wish I were half the dad you talk about.

I know that all our children are laughing together, playing together, and wondering why we are so sad here. I hope thats true.

You will be in my thoughts tomorrow, and if I believed in a god, I would be praying for her.

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[ericasmom]

Hi Everyone,

i have not been around much, have stayed extremely busy through spring with teaching and ending the school year. I went away for a week for a class in Minnesota, which was gorgeous, and now home am looking at tomorrow. Tomorrow marks my daughter's accident that killed her 6 days later, and evey month since that time 2 years ago, it is a weekof undeniable grief. I have to say that it is softening, somehow the anguish is softened. I think it is due to the peace I feel from Erica. I gratefully wake up using the energy she gives over to me. On the 6th i went to the cemetary, it marked the last time i saw my daughter as she was, dread locks, happy, she brought two new friends to meet me that day 2 years ago. She surprised me in that visit, i thought she was back in Michigan and we live just outside Chicago. I will always hang onto that surprise visit as a gift from Higher Powers. I was able to hold my girl in my arms that day and to hear her laugh, to share a cup of coffee, to take her photo. I could feel her head on my shoulder as we stood among the tall flowers in the garden. I do believe our children are somewhere, not just gone, and i do believe we shall see them and understand it all when it is our time. Until then I wish adn pray for peace for us all.

my heart,

dee

[ashleysmom]

Dee,

You are in my prayers. It is comforting to know that this may soften in time. This is also a terrible week for me. I was just thinking about how our days have such a diffent significance than they used to. Last year on this day I buried my baby. I wake up with these thoughts. On July 4th I woke up thinking Ashley is still alive, because it was 5:20 am. At 5:30 I could picture her getting in her car. I wanted to jump in my car and get to the tree before she did to maybe prevent what had happened a year ago, crazy, huh? The whole morning was filled with these kind of thoughts, The phone call, the drive, all of it just kept coming. I have to say that the day before I was thinking of our last night together, watching fireworks from her new apartment. I treasure those memories, although I could not watch any fireworks this year. My friends and family gathered with us on July 2nd to celebrate her life and then again on July 4th to provide support. I am so thankful for that. I just can't believe a year has passed us by without Ashley here. How many more? I also believe that our children are not just gone and that we will see them again, that is what gets me going each day. Peace and prayers to all,

Dottie

[brin3d]

Today is my second year without Darcia. I am not sure that the second year has been any easier than the first, however I am able to look at the world and not take anything in it for granted anymore. I count that as a gift because I can be inspired with the simplier things in life and giggle with my grandchild over silly little things. Life is a gift that we sometimes take for granted and it is not promised to any of us.

Davydow1, you asked if people were telling us we were supposed to "just let them go?" Yes, I think they wish we would but you know I have chosen not to listen to anyone but my heart. I will not ever "get over" missing my child and talking about my child and shedding tears for my child. That is part of who I am, a loving parent that must now continue to live my life without Darcia physically being here. If others don't want to hear anymore than they don't need to be around me. That is "their" choice to make. If they chose to leave than I don't need that in my life anyways. And if we can bring ourselves some kind of peace, than that is all that matters, not everyone elses opinions. God forbid they should ever have to lose a child.

Darcia would have been 25 this year. Today my beautiful butterfly has her wings and can soar beyond imagination. Darcia, ILYTAPOHSS 4infinity3d and a few. Mom

A special thank-you to all of you here for being a special part of my life today. Without you all I would not be where I am today. Barb

[ericasmom]

Dear Barb and Dottie,

our dates of sadness so near to one another, so much loss in the span of days. And we are just 3, 3 women who have lost 3 women. As i wrote in a poem once, Eri is not lost, we have suffered a loss but she is not lost to us///and that is what i tell people that say stupid things like: now you must let her go.

No, now why would i let my daughter go? I have an ongoing relationship with ERica, she is with me, i talk to her all the time, i feel her. I have had to let her go physically, but i shall never let go of the fact that I will always have a daughter, and she is ERica. I will always be her mom. Thank God for this.

I will keep you in my thoughts as you travel these hard roads, a journey we wish on noone else. It is normal to go through the events that led you to this place of grief, the phone call, the drive, I am doing this too, as it is today 2 years ago that i got that horrendous call, and i believe that some of the reliving of the events helps us understand our hearts better adn also helpsus to be ready to help someone else that finds themselves here. Be kind to yourselves on these markers of time, they hold a special privacy for me. I need this time to be alone as much as possible, and then, on the weeekend following the date of Eri's death, which is the 14th, we have a celebration of her life in our yard. Once I travel through her dates, I find myself able to share with others again. Odd, but i know this about me now and so i go with it.

Each day made new with the birth of our babies, and each day made new in their leaving.

with my heart,

dee

[missingchris]

Barb, Dottie & Dee

Our family's thoughts are with you and yours. Our angel date is coming up in a few weeks. It will be our first. Am not sure what we'll do, both our immediate families are wanting us to get past this, and not burden them with it. So we won't. Reading your posts gives me the courage to face August 2nd. Thank you.

Chris's Family

[julsmom]

I've been away from posting as I went to see our surviving son. Bitter sweet as those of you know, that empty place just looms large. My prayers are with all as you face anniversary or birthdates. This second year has at times been harder than the first. The numbness has worn off and reality has set in. I am sorry that some of you have experienced unkind words from friends/family. I don't think we can get past this ever. We continue on because to do less would not honor our children. We celebrated 1st anniversary last October with concert. Already trying to think how to remember 2nd anniversary. Peace to all. Lynda

[rhonda68]

Hello I don't think I can deal with this hell any longer. I am just feeling really raw and sickend today why must everything bad happen nothing good and I miss my boy so much. I just want him to come home. There is not much sense of me continuing on like this don't think I will ever feel better. I am going for a walk down to the lake to see if i can find some peace. Love you guys!

Richards Mom

[missingchris]

Rhonda

I know what you mean. The world is filled with meaningless death. And that just seems to add to my sense of despair. My husband and I find ourselves deserted by our immediate family, thank god for the few extended family that try so hard to hold us up. We're out of here next weekend to just get away from it all. We need a break. No news, no papers, no email.......

I hope your walk brings you some relief from the pain that we now expect every second of the rest of our lives. So many now walk the path we do....... it saddens me to the depth of my soul to realize the pain the floats through our universe.

Chris's Mom

[brin3d]

Hi Rhonda

I too feel overwhelmed with the fact that I will never be able to touch my child's face again or wipe away her tears, bandage a cut, hear her voice or laughter again in this life. Sometimes being by the water by myself helps me feel closer to those that I have lost in my life. Just sitting on my porch by myself helps. Our hearts will always be broken and the pain will always be there, however I know in my heart that my daughter would be so saddened by the fact that I cry daily for her. She would not want me to feel such despair. For the first time in my life I have no control over the situation. I found through this loss that I am not as strong a person as I once believed. But that is alright today. I am allowed to relinquish control sometimes and allow my sons to let me depend on them to be the decision makers. Because I have always appeared to be a strong person, they grow up strong young men and stepped up when I fell. For that I am grateful.

Your grief and feelings are a normal part of your loss. I hope that you find some peace and can feel joy knowing that your child would want that for you.

My thoughts are with you and all the other families that find themselves here looking for some peace and support.

Barb

[daveydow1]

To all who have angel days and birthdays coming up,

I am so sorry that there's so many of us here at this site, and

new people coming all the time. Peace be with all of you, and

may you each find some kind of little comfort in the difficult

days ahead.

Rhonda68,

I know the feeling of total despair and not wanting to go on.

I think your idea of taking walks alone is a good one. I find

that nature is so serene that it somehow calms me with the

trees, flowers, water, birds, and sky. My husband & I spotted

a beautiful butterfly visiting flowers in the garden we call

"Davey's Garden". The butterfly seemed almost "friendly". I

know that sounds a bit off the wall, but other butterflies we

have encountered would quickly flutter away whenever we approached.

This one allowed us to get very close to observe it, and I took

photos of it. Then it stayed a bit longer and then fluttered

away and was gone. It made me feel peaceful. I believe that nature

can soothe us---sometimes better than most other things. My hope

and prayer is for you in this very sad journey.

[jahrynsmom]

Yesterday my husband came home from work and he was a little off. I wrapped my arms around him and Whispered "lets go visit Jahryn". We went out to the gravesite and picked all the weeds off his plot and tidied up all of the old flowers. It made us feel better to spend some time out there and to realize that his friends go to visit him still. There are about 10 lighters out there. I asked one of his friends about that and they said that Jahryn's thrill was to steal your lighter. He would always tell you that he was going to have it by the time he left, so now they all leave lighters at his grave. There are always fresh flowers there that we haven't brought. We must have spent an hour out there, just sitting quietly, talking about our son. It's so peaceful and quiet. By the time we came home, both my husband and myself were in a better frame of mind, feeling better just having done something for our boy. As hard as it is to have him there, that bit of time with him did wonders. I too catch my breath at the thought of never holding him again. I'm trying really hard to accept that and to be happy for the time we had with him. It's hard to do, but when i can keep the good thoughts with me, I don't feel like I am drowning quite so badly. Be strong everyone. I won't let myself fall because I never raised my kids to lay down when bad things happen. Knowing that Jahryn would come back and kick me in the but and tell me to "suck it up Princess, **** happens" helps me to make it thru my days.

[Artina]

It is so sad to have so many loving people- hurt. May we all comfort each other until our pain....

Peace to all, Tina

[jscmom]

To all

Speaking of feeling lost. I do everyday, when missing John becomes so unbearable (not that it isn't everyday) we visit John's gravesite right away. Yes I agree going there helps and KNOWING others do also makes us feel at ease. We have seen many diffrent items left for our son from his friends. I haven't seen his friends since John's funeral, (they are having a hard time seeing me,) but knowing they see John does make us fell better that he will not be forgotten.

One story I would like to share is this, one of my son's co-workers/friend thought about John all day long at work so he worked twice as hard that day because he was working for John too. Once he got off work he drove to John's site took off his work shirt and left it there for John.

Take care all

Johnny's mom forever

[rhonda68]

I am so excited and sad this morning I saw my son in my dream. It was so good to see him again but I awoke from my dream right away and that made me so angry. He came into the house and he was walking towards my other son and I woke up that sucks. I love him so much i want to talk to him i need to tell him I love him again.

Richards mom

[julsmom]

I want to add a little post here. In Sept 2002 we came east to see Julie and took a Circle Line Boat tour of NYC. The tourguide was wonderful and memorable. Fast forward to yesterday, I have family visiting us and we went to NYC to take a Circle Line Boat tour of NYC. The tourguide was the same, who said he was called in at the last minute for someone who called out sick. I think Julie sent him because she knew it would be hard to do this tour because of memories of her. Peace to all Lynda

[kathy714]

Dear,jahrynsmom,when i read your posting it brought a memory of how my son Nathan always would steal everyones lighters,espcially mine,so i had got,in the habit of buying lighters,and after Nathan passed they seemed to disappear,i would tell everyone he is still taking my lighters,then they would show up again about a week later,it was really strange Dear Rhonda68,i can relate to the to the unbearable pain you are feeling because i think of Nathan 24/7 and now i'm at the point where a get angry and i just want to scream and yell,that it's not fair,and i'm always thinkin"what if" but nothing changes the fact that my beautiful son is gone,This week is going to be tough because my birthday is July14th and my mom,s july15th and she passed in 2001,she would always say i was her bithday present.I'm trying to stay strong because i know that is what Nathan and my mom would what,they would not want me crying all the time[even though it's hard not to].I too find peace going to Nathan's site,it has taken on Nathan's personally,from different things people have brought,i agree with jscmom,it does help knowing others have visited Nathans site and he's not forgotten,Well,,T/C Everyone you are all in my prayers,and i will pray for those with angel dates ahead.

[missingchris]

Today is one of those unbearable achy days, nothing feels right, nothing goes right..... My question today is this for those who belive in God....... If he causes or allows the loss of our children, then why didn't he make it easier to get on with our lives? I'm no longer a good mother, wife, friend or person. I hurt all the time. What joy comes from our other son is diminished....... This kind of living makes no sense to me. People get past the deaths of their parents, grandparents, friends....... How do you ever get to a point of real living again after the death of a child? I'm afraid I will never reach that point.

[missingchris]

Here's an interesting page for any of us suffering from the endless parade of stupid remarks...

http://www.missfoundation.org/cherish/remarks.html

[ericasmom]

Hi everyone,

Hey MissingChris, I do believe in God, I do believe our children are in a new place that is wonderful for them, and I do think that they have the ability to see us, to hear us, to make contact in little ways, that we must open ourselves to it to actually realize them around us. I do not think it was God that allowed our children to pass on, but more a provider to souls, a vehicle to the next place. I do not think of God as saying, "okay, she has to go now, so I will let the light be broken at the RR." INstead, when the light was broken, and my girl turned left because it was not flashing, and she died 6 days later from her injuries, she had a place to go to be free, she has a place to gather with others and a place to help newbies. I believe she is in a place and that i will see her there when it is my time, but it isn't my time yet, nor my son's and so i guess the way i go on is knowing how dearly she would insist on it, and in fact i think it is her insistance that gets me going each day, and her guidance that has helped her brother find ways to join in the world again. They were very close and lived together when she was killed. And so I think our children are really at peace where they are and I think you are a good person or you wouldn't even think to worry about it. Ask Chris to help you do your best in that day, even if it is to make a meatloaf, ask Chris to help you have the energy to do things well.

Rhonda, I talk to Eri all the time, don't care how i look, i ask her to help me make good decisions, to do my best on the earth, to guide me if she is able, i ask her everyday to give as much attention as possible to her brother, help him with his sadness and his fear, help him see her in the good moments in a day reminding him that this would be what she wants.I ask her to help her dad who has had a very hard time going forward. Our kids do not want us to spend all of our time here miserable, so go do something your child loved or believed in, do it in their name and see if it helps. As far as wanting to talk to your child again, talk and talk, i think they hear us, tell your boy how much you love him, he knows it but tell him because it feels good to talk to our children. We have lost the physical, the dream of watching them grow up some more, become who they were to be, we will always miss that, but we still have a relationship with them, they will always be our children, and they will always want you to feel them. We have all suffered the ultimate loss, but they are not lost. Everywhere we go, they are with us and vise-versa.

JCsmom, was it you that said you have not seen his friends since his funeral? We have two gatherings a year, second anniversary marking Eri's death is this week, we have an April gathering for her birthday in which her friends comeif they are able, and again in July to be together in this most sad time of year for us. It helps me greatly to see the kids, now 21 and 22, to see them grow and change and develop their interests. My son's friends come too, and our good friends and we share an afternoon of laughter and tears and photos and memories and food and a balloon launch later on as the sun is dropping, attatched to the balloons are the wishes and thoughts of ERica's friends and cousins and loved ones, 19 balloons as she will always be 19. My baby girl was a gatherer of people, she had more friends than 10 people put together and she gathers people even in her death.

love and peace-

dee

[Michaelsmom]

I'm feeling down so I come to this website. Because you're the only people who know how I feel. I miss my children so much (Michael 10-31-02 and carolyn 3-21-05.) I can't believe this has happened to me twice. I am so distraught - sometimes I think I am okay - I'm strong - but every now and then I lose it. I'm drinking now so that adds to my depression - I know it's wrong but what the hell else do I have? God? that's a joke - I believed in god when my son died but when my daughter died I stopped believing - I prayed so hard to him to not take her but she still died. I have one daughter left and I worry about her. I'm just so down now I don't know how I can continue. Suicide is out because I have people who love me and I would destroy them. So I live with the pain. My pain is so deep I can't stand it.

Michael and Carolyn's Mom

[rhonda68]

Hello Michaels mom I am so sorry you are going threw this yet a second time. I have turned towards alcohol myslef its scaring me but I just want to get that little bit of relaxation you feel for a minute with booze. I am tired of staying in my pain and torment 24-7. I too worry so much about my remaining son he is the only reason I keep going i know he needs me or who would look out for him. Went to a family reunion and I must say it took quite a toll on me today. For starters someone handed me a peice of paper with the family tree and told me to put my childrens name underneath mine. Then someone came up to me and asked about my kids and I just stood and stared speechless. Then there were those that wanted to try and comfort me and it felt awkward for all involved and then those that just went to great lenghs to avoid me. I just hate life and hope to goodness I don't have to stay that long!

Richards Mom

[griffinsmom]

Michael and Carolyns' mom~ Chris'mom- everyones mom-

Im having a particularly hard day today,too. Just want to go buy a gun. I read everyones posts and everyone says the same things- we are so destroyed by our childrens' demise. I wish I could believe all the afterlife stuff and my son (our children) being just a breath away, in a better place, waiting for us when our times come- and a big part of me really does. I always get signs of Griffin being here.....but I just miss hiim so much that going on seems unbearable- today, anyway. There are days when I feel I can handle it. Griffin was killed in a car accident - his friend was driving too fast and lost control of the vehicle- on January 1,05 (happy new years) at the age of seventeen. My best friend in the world- my son, my life- we all know the story.

https://griffin-schwartz.memory-of.com/about.aspx You can visit the site- it's very nice and has some inspitational stuff- read the letter to my mom-...Anyway, like you and so many others, Im having a bad, sad night. I can't believe this happened to you twice- geez- good luck to you and all of us on this beat trip.

[ericasmom]

OH sadnesses we have, so incredibley consuming. I am so sorry Michaeland Carolyns mom, i can not imagine this pain times two, I am sorry for your aching heart. So many people here like yourself and Griffin's mom so fresh to this new loss. My heart to you both, and to all that are here.

I watched a tv show tonight, one i have never watched called Grey's anatomy, andin it there was a man who was brain dead, (my daughter was as close to that as you could get but one eye still dialated and so could not call it fully) and so in this show they got permission from the mans famiy to harvest and donate his organs. I began to cry as I remember 2 years ago when the Gift of Life people approached me in the trauma center in Kalamazoo Michigan to see how we felt about donation. Erica was a donor and i had no qualms aout it as she was not really part of this world anymore, but because we took her off the resperator her major organs were affected adn so could not be given. Her eyes and bones and valves were however and for this I was grateful. To date she is in 63 people, and I know Eri would want this.

Griffinsmom, you are at a point in your grief that many of us reached at around the same time after our children passed away, it seems that a layer of shock that we didn't even know was still there is lifted and under it is this raw anger and despair. We all thought we were done with the shock part but there it was anothe layer gone and leaving us exposed and in so much pain and anguish. I know one thing in all of this, that the only way to get to a point where you feel you have a purpose in the world again, that you feel a glimmer of hope, is to travel straight through the grief. I guess we have to feel it all in order to recover from it and by recover i do not mean be who you were before. Impossible! WE are different from this sadness, but our basic core is who we were. I guess the question a mom asked me who had lost her son two years before i lost my girl was very helpful in my finding my balance. She asked, "what if you died and not your daughter...what would you expect from your daughter in her grief...do you think she would eventually find her way without you?"

Whatever your beliefs, may you all find peace.

dee

[jscmom]

Missing Chris: Ditto!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Michael and Carolyns mom I am so very sorry, it's so wrong!

Kathy, John's friends can't see me because they don't want to see my pain and they don't know what to say to me. I miss them all, our house is where they hung out alot. They tell my daughter that I was there mom too and they know how much John loved me and they don't want me to hurt. John was 22, on his way to a new life a better life...guess God had different plans for him.

Rhonda68:I wish I could drink I would but I never have, I have tried to but it just makes me sick. So sleep is my escape there you don't think and only hope to dream of my son, skateboarding in the heaven with the largest wings possible and telling me I am ok mom, I knew you where there. I can only hope that he some day will show m that he is ok.

He wasn't qualified brain dead, therefore he lay in the same postion for 14 days, before we took him off life support. I wish he could have been a donor however it was not my choice to let him get so infected that he was not able to do so. The doctors made that choice.

To the rest of us may we find some small place to feel better.

Johnny's mom forever

[kathy714]

Dear jscmom,Nathan's friends find it hard to come over here to,because this is where they all hung out,either on the sunporch or in the backyard,same thing,they all called me mom.I think that is one of the hardest thing to get use to is all the quite.When Nate was here there was always music playing and lots of laughter and noise.I can't tell you how many times i would say"just one night Nate ,i want this house to myself,with no friends here!...LITTLE DID I KNOW, now i would do anything to have Nate ,the noise and all the kids back. Nate passed on his 21st birhday Jan31,2005 so are son''s were close in age,maybe they have found each other in heaven...T/C Kathy