Loss of an Adult Child

[momofbrandon]

Julesmom and Kathy, I too am going through what you have faced. The driver of the car my son died is has been charged with 4 counts of negligent homicide. He could face up to 20 years in prison and 20000 dollar fine. He already has a prison that he will live in the rest of his life. To Mark- I applaud your decisison. However we can better keep our children's memories alive!!!! My husband and I took roses and an angel over to Brandon's grave on Saturday- two month anniversary. For me right now things are getting harder instead of any easier at all. If anyone has suggestions for me please help. I am smoking and drinking too much and I know that this is not good for my other children to see. Connie

[rhonda68]

Dear Lynda

You certainly did not offend me either with the word game. I know exactly what you are talking about. Some people i think just maybe cant relate or take it the wrong way. I have kind of quit comming here because I felt like some of the comments from parents were quite stabs so I dont need anymore people like that in my life. Take care and emil me anytime!

Rhonda

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Momofbrandon, thank you for the thoughts. This is good for me, and hopefully her. About the other thing, by the time I was 13, my permanent record in school listed me as an alcoholic and drug addict. I've stayed clean for two decades. I don't want to come across as harsh, but do whatever you must to get this under control. Have your doctor give you the nicotine patch, and use it. Even if you think AA will help, go. It doesn't mean you're an alcoholic, just wanting to get it under control. Please, for your children, for your health and life, do all you must to get it under control. If I can help you any, feel free to email me. Mark

[aprilsmom]

well, I need this, so I hope no one drops off the site. The next time one of my friends says, "I know..." I'm going to scream. I'm usually an outgoing person who talks and talks, now I find myself hiding from everyone - the Compassionate Friends has been a Godsend but most have been away all summer, lot's had the one year anniversary of their sons and daughters passing. Have you listened to the song "Gone Too Soon"? Go to the front pg. of Compassionatefriends.org page down to the butterfly icon about the 6th item is the CD - you can listen to it, it's gut wrenching, so have plenty of tissue. To momofbrandon: April's sisters and I experienced the same thing, at 3 and 4 months, it was worse than at the beginning. A therapist told us that 3 and 6 months are especially hard because the fog is starting to thin. Mark: love the new screen name. Renee

[kirksdad]

Aprilsmom, I know, everytime I hear that I have to bite my tongue. People just don't get it.

[aprilsmom]

Sorry, wrong song, it's "Precious Child" by Karen Taylor Good and it is the forth item under TCF Exclusives (butterfly icon on homepage).

Kirksdad: I visited your son's website, a handsome young man. I taught middle school science for ten years before going to Special Ed Itinerant staff; Kirk reminded me of my students. How old was he and what happened if you don't mind sharing? Renee

[Artina]

Mark,

Jennifer is a beautiful name...

Peace to you, Tina

[daveydow1]

Aprilsmom,

I am so very sorry for your loss. You and I have something

in common being on this site. Your dear daughter and my son,

David, left this world in the same tragic way. My son, age

31, was getting off the freeway ramp to go shopping and be

fitted for his tux for his sisters upcoming wedding. The

traffic was heavy, and was backed up onto the freeway. A

trucker came into the area, fell asleep at the wheel, and

literally flattened my son's car, killing him. I can totally

relate to your statement about seeing those red Peterbuilt

trucks. The trucking co. whose driver caused our son's death

have many many trucks in our area. The trucks are blue, and

not a day goes by that we don't see one (or more) of them--

sometimes in close proximity. I know you will agree that seeing

the red trucks are stab to the heart. My prayers are for you

and your family. Peace be with you.

[daveydow1]

Alwaysmyjennifer,

Your choice of a new screen name is a truly beautiful

tribute to your dear daughter. Peace be with you.

[grantsmom]

Hello again everyone. It has been a while since I've been on. It has been 25 months since the death of my 23 year old son, Grant. For the past several days I can hardly get one foot in front of the other. I go to the closet and grasp his clothes, trying just once more to smell his "Cool Water" cologne, except now it smells more like mine. His scent no longer lingers. I feel today as if it just happened. All of the feelings of panic, unbelief, heart-wrenching grief are right back, except it seems even worse now. I am so devastated without him in our lives. I don't think I can continue this agony much longer. How do we do this? Please pray for me. I appreciate this site so much. Everyone here has always offered support.

Blessings of peace to you all,

Grantsmom

[CboysMom]

Hello All,

I haven't been posting for a while but I still check in and read once in a while. My Mom died last July 6, 2005, 2 years later to the exact dayu as my 25 years old son Charlie. My Son died July 6, 2003 due to a silent killer (arrhythmogenic cardiomayopathy). He collapsed while playing basketball, and my Mom died due to a heart attack. I don't know what to think anymore, In one hand I miss my Mom so much and on the other I think I'm glad that she's now up there to take care of my Son. I now dread summer time. It's seems bad things are happening to me and my family during this time of the year and this has caused me stress and anxiety.

[Artina]

Cboysmom,

I totally understand what you are saying and I am sure your mom is with Charlie. Just the fact that she died on the same day as your son says something about her Spirit being with your son's Spirit (to me). I am sorry for your loss. Be sure to take care of yourself and take the time you need to releave your external stressors.

Peace to you, Tina

[kirksdad]

Aprilsmom, Kirk was 17 just going into his Junior year. He had ADHD and it is something we were really fighting with starting about the middle of his freshman year. It just got worse during those two or so years. He had been diagnosed from 4th grade, but up to that time the medication seem to work miracles.

He was a good kid, but, when he entered high school, the school system didn't want to give him a chance so we had to go with a 504 so the principal couldn't force him out of school, which seemed to be going on. Those two years were so out of control, he did so many things to get into trouble and to top it off there was this psycho cop that stalked him, and I really mean stalked him.

The summer of his death we were just getting to a point where we felt things were starting to even out even though there were some problems even then. We had to take his car away from him, I made him come and work on harvest with me, and we tried really hard to help him get his life together. He seemed to be trying, too. He was even talking about going out for baseball again because the coach was wanting him to play 2nd base. He was such a good player.

The night of his death he came home and asked to use the car to help someone. We had taken it away from him during the evenings for about a month, only letting him drive to work, and he seemed so sincere that we gave in. We really thought he was going to help someone. We told him we loved him, watched him walk to the car and that was the end.

Later that evening we were listening to our police scanner and someone we knew reported a bad accident where the car had rolled on top of the person in it. It was only 2 blocks away. We tried calling him, but got no response. I went to the scene, but couldn't really see because it was dark and the police weren't letting anyone in. I felt it was him, but still hoped it wasn't. I went home and prayed some more, we just didn't know. Then the police car drove up and at that moment every nerve in my body went dead.

I had to go and identify his body in the parking lot of the hospital. There were about 20 people standing around from the police and hospital watching. It was the hell we all know and have felt. Total desperation and complete darkness. It seems he had been drinking, probably only a couple of drinks, but with him anything was too many. I lost my little boy that night and like all of us the world completely changed.

It has been 5 years this month and I still remember that night like it was yesterday, but the pain has definately eased up, the total darkness is really lifting now and I work one day at a time getting things back in some order. I will always love him with all my being, just wish, like we all do, that things had been different. They just weren't.

[Artina]

Jim,

I feel like I know Kirk from your sharing him with us and the comfort you give in his name. Thank you both!

Peace to you, Tina

[griffinsmom]

I will always love him with all my being, just wish, like we all do, that things had been different. They just weren't.

I couldn't have said this in a better way. "They just weren't" How True.

[aprilsmom]

Kirksdad, thank you so much for telling such a personal story. I understand about the ADHD, the 504, and believe it or not, the psycho cop....I've been a teacher too long! I was SO frozen in the events of seeing April at the scene;like you I will probably never be able to forget,,,,,,,,,she had a confused look on her face, like, "mom, what the heck happened?" SHE DIDN'T LOOK HURT but had multiple internal injuries. The paramedics were young, one asking,"How can she look so good and be gone?" He told me he raced to call his wife and tell her not to drive in that area. A few days after April's 27th birthday, the traffic signal was installed. I did not mean to ramble on, I am becoming a prayer warrior though, for all of you...our kids went to heaven and we went to hell. My faith tells me the darkness will fade, someday, along time from now. Thank you for the encouragement.

Daveydow1- Oh yes, not only do I see all the Peterbilts but I have seen THE Peterbilt because I could read the license plate from the newspaper pictures. I hear the driver is still a mess, not physically, just emotionally and we all know what torture that can be. I used to pray: "Lord please wrap your hand around every vehicle in this family" I guess I should have been more specific because the trucking company's name that took April's life was called FAITH TRUCKING. Honest.

[kathy714]

Dear Kirksdad,i can relate to the whole school scene,we also had many problems with our school system,they would also try to linger kids along until they were 16 then force them out so they would usually quit,so the kids that weren't college bound wouldn't lower there rating.I pushed and pushed until they finally put Nathan into a alp,which he loved ,but they try to get the kids to quit before that because the money comes out of there budjet and its like paying for private school.Also we live in a small town and also have a psycho cop who was all over Nathan,thats why he never even got his license,he knew it would just be asking for trouble,and just like tour son Nathan had just started to get his act together,he had a good job,he was learning construction work and making good money.It's so sad,i wish i could understand gods plan....T/C Kathy [Nates mom].

[jscmom]

Hello to all, I am just wondering why besides the heartache and pain we all are going through, why is there so much anger in these posts to one another.

I find it hard to think some of us are are being mean to one another on purpose.

If I offened anyone at any time I am very sorry. This a palce to find some help and strength to try to get through our pain and to cause more pain and anger is not nor will nor ever be my intention.

Mark Jenifer is a great choice.

Kirksdad, I did not realize this but I think John may have had adhd also. As I look back and think about 1st grade his teacher hought he had it I took him to the doctors and they dismissed it. He always struggled in school always the one in trouble whether it was 5 kids doing the same thing he was always the one caught. He was labled in 4th grade and that stayed with him through high school. No he was not that "perfect" student and they let us know this.

John dropped out half way through his senior year, but went back and recieved his diploma a year later. That is when we also thought John was getting himself together, his dimpolma, his job, his own home etc...

Aprilsmom, I am so very sorry for you and your family...same goes to all the new members. May we all help one another on this journey....

Johnny's mom forever 22...God I miss you son

[jscmom]

Cboysmom; I do beleive you mom is there taking care of your son. I am so very sorry for you.

Grants mom, guess it will never get easier as we all have been told. I find it harder and harder every minute. Next month will be the 1st anniverary of the accident through the 21st of October. If there is PEACE I sure would like to know where it is.

Missing Johnny forever 22

[kathy714]

Dear Mark ,i love your new screen name,it makes me want to change mine,when i frist came here i really didn't know what it was about when i picked my screen name.It wasn't until i started reading the postings and noticed every ones screen name honored there children.Jenifer is a beautiful name.

[ashleysmom]

Grantsmom, You are in my prayers. May peace envelope you during this rough time. I remember the anxiety and the panic and I pray that you find comfort,

Dottie

[griffinsmom]

JCSmom-

"Hello to all, I am just wondering why besides the heartache and pain we all are going through, why is there so much anger in these posts to one another.

I find it hard to think some of us are are being mean to one another on purpose.

If I offened anyone at any time I am very sorry. This a palce to find some help and strength to try to get through our pain and to cause more pain and anger is not nor will nor ever be my intention."...(Quote)

I hope I am not being mean- but sometimes I feel very insignificant on these message boards, like my loss is not as devastating- I have no self esteem left, and I am realizing that maybe the support I need cannot be met here. I love my son, and my life is just as ruined- I have no parents or family, except my new husband and baby-I raised my son by myself-Im angry that I do not get as much support as some who choose to be more explicit and lengthly in their grief expression. I think anger comes along with the territory. The site is helpful, but often I feel very skirted over- like the squeaky wheel gets the grease, but I don't want to squeak. Anyway- thought Id share my feelings on this and maybe shed some insight, for what its worth.

Grantsmom- my son was 17, and I know what you mean about his scent lingering- Griffins room, I could smell him- just had the flu and a sinus infection- and couldnt smell the room, and now its cleared up, and I still cant smell him. It is truly awful. Good luck to all of us on this journey. If it wasnt for the baby, Im sure Id be dead now. Things have got to get better.

https://griffin-schwartz.memory-of.com/about.aspx

[aprilsmom]

Dear Griffinsmom,

I wish we could all get together for a big group HUG; right now! Try to hold on, hug that baby. I'm new but there is so much help for you here from those more experienced.

"Blessed are those who mourn"

Late for work as usual, take care. Renee

[alwaysmyjennifer]

griffinsmom, your loss is so painful, and I'm sorry you have lost him. I'm sorry you aren't receiving as much support as you need. My best wishes for you for the peace you need.

TO ALL> If I have written anything that upset or offended anyone, my apologies. It isn't my intent to write anything to hurt anyone. If you have been offended, I ask your forgiveness.

[heartbrokendad]

Just an observation....

This may sound very corney, and cliche, but love does mean never having to say your sorry. And no one here should feel sorry for trying to help another parent going through this hell on earth. I know that each of us is trying to help the other here, and when we say something that sounds stupid, or hurtful, or nasty to another one of us, it isnt said in that vein. None of us here wants to hurt anyone on this site.

Also, and I'm sorry if I'm on a soapbox here,but......no ones loss is any greater, os less so than anyone elses. I have noticed that some people do tend to skip over other peoples postings, and get right to their reason for being here, and thats normal, but perhaps we could mention the other peoples pain first, and try and see where they are before telling where you are.

But, like I said, this is just my observation. thanks for reading this..

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[candi1959]

Dear Griffens Mom

I hope that my reply helps to bring you comfort as my heart sends it to you.

JCSmom-

"Hello to all, (Hello Griffinsmom)

I am just wondering why besides the heartache and pain we all are going through,

(sometimes there is nothing besides the heartache and pain we all are going

through somtimes thats all we sadly have.)

why is there so much anger in these posts to one another.

I find it hard to think some of us are are being mean to one another on purpose.

(I don't think we are being mean on purpose I think our anger is just being released and to no one in particular just us venting our feelings through our heartbreak and grief.)

If I offened anyone at any time I am very sorry. This a palce to find some help and strength to try to get through our pain

(And we will find it here in some way I believe.)

and to cause more pain and anger is not nor will nor ever be my intention."...

(It never is our intention to offend another but on this new path of grief we can only do the best we can so if I am offensive forgive me for my moment for this to shall pass, please just love me anyway.)

I hope I am not being mean- but sometimes I feel very insignificant on these message boards,

(You are not insignificant on these message boards you are valued here amoungst the grieveing.)

like my loss is not as devastating-

(your loss is as devastating and truly felt by many)

I have no self esteem left,

(we do have self esteem it has not left it is just clouded over, for but a time by the pian of our grieving. It will come back as the heart begins to heal.)

and I am realizing that maybe the support I need cannot be met here.

(please realize that the support you need can be met here as I am offering you that now from my heart to yours, because we all need yours too)

I love my son,

(Yes you truly do love your son and will forever, he is your son and so very special to you.)

and my life is just as ruined-

(please believe your life is not ruined just forever changed and that change will one day find some peace, yet that one day, the date we do not know. Just hold on to believe in this maddness thier has to be some peace for you.)

I have no parents or family, except my new husband and baby-I raised my son by myself-Im angry that I do not get as much support.

(I hope I\'m offering you some support today to bring you some comfort.)

as some who choose to be more explicit and lengthly in their grief expression. I think anger comes along with the territory.

(Grieving holds much anger for many and does need to be released and I am so glad you have done so. Because I do believe it helps.)

The site is helpful, but often I feel very skirted over- like the squeaky wheel gets the grease, but I don\'t want to squeak.

(Your the squeaky wheel will never bother me it just joins the chorus of my squeaky wheels, it nice to hear a new tune that joins mine.)

Anyway- thought Id share my feelings on this and maybe shed some insight, for what its worth.

( Your sheding some insight has helped to britghen my day as I know I\'m not alone, I have a friend that feels like me, alone and broken hearted.)

Grantsmom- my son was 17, and I know what you mean about his scent lingering- Griffins room, I could smell him- just had the flu and a sinus infection- and couldnt smell the room, and now its cleared up, and I still cant smell him. It is truly awful.

(Yes it truly is aweful when we cannot find the peace we once knew.)

Good luck to all of us on this journey.

(I will be o.k. because of ones like you becasue I know I am not alone in this terrible grief we suffer.)

If it wasnt for the baby, Im sure Id be dead now. Things have got to get better.

( Things will change and some time get better so they say, but for today I sit like you alone and wondering when. Yet I hold on to ones like you, for you help carry my heart that needs to be hepled and may you know I hold yours close to mine.)

https://griffin-schwartz.memory-of.com/about.aspx

( I lit a candle for you to help you remeber, you are not alone and you are cared about and loved by us the ones that sit with you now in this place of very sad loss.)

Love Debbie

http://nelson-da-silva.memory-of.com/about.aspx

[CboysMom]

Artina,

I feel you are a shining example for how I should be here. Thank you so much for taking the time in responding to most of us posters.

Jscmom,

The 1st year death anniversary of my son was very hard on me. The shock was starting to wear off and I felt raw excruciating pain in the realization that my son was gone forever. My warm thoughts will be wiht you that day next month. I am still struggling but we get through it one day at a time. Thank you for responding to my post.

-Cboysmom-

[Artina]

Cobysmom,

I think we all do the best we can on any give day... it has always been my understanding that if we offer a hand on our "good" days, we can reach for a hand on our "bad" days. The group of parents on Beyond Indigo has changed over the years, some have gone and new ones have joined. But one thing that stays the same is the support that everybody needs and offers- without even knowing it. You have been a support to someone and you too are a shinning example! Thank you too!

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Griffinsmom,

No loss is more significant or less significant than another. If you don't get a response, it is just a matter of each parents ability to support you at that given moment. We may be drawn to a certain subject, because it may address a need that we may have at that moment. Everybody here does what they can to support each other, while trying not to drown themselves. We care about you and do the best we can to offer our support. Please know that I read your posts and do care... don't give up on us yet!

Peace and love to you, Tina

[julsmom]

I hope I am not being mean- but sometimes I feel very insignificant on these message boards, like my loss is not as devastating- I have no self esteem left, and I am realizing that maybe the support I need cannot be met here. I love my son, and my life is just as ruined- I have no parents or family, except my new husband and baby-I raised my son by myself-Im angry that I do not get as much support as some who choose to be more explicit and lengthly in their grief expression. I think anger comes along with the territory. The site is helpful, but often I feel very skirted over- like the squeaky wheel gets the grease, but I don't want to squeak. Anyway- thought Id share my feelings on this and maybe shed some insight, for what its worth.

Griffinsmom - I am sorry you feel slighted. What a wonderful thing for you to do by raising your son by yourself. While the death of your son and your grief is not greater than any of ours, I cannot imagine the void you must feel, having been a single parent for so long and not having your son with you. I hope you do not leave the board. May you find peace in this journey and with your new family. Lynda

[Artina]

To All-

We are not alone- we have each other. Let's keep our thoughts and prayers on healing each other. Lot's of love and energy to each and every one that reads this.

Tina

[julsmom]

to those of you who had to identify your children - I am truly sorry. Julie was about 2 hours from us when she died and had no identification on her (she had lost in the week before). When we finally did get in touch with someone at the hospital where she had been taken, we had to try to describe her. When my husband asked if we would have to come to identify her we were told no, they didn't do that if possible. Thank heavens we didn't have to. I cannot imagine what the ride would have been or to see her in that condition. My last mental picture of her is sitting on our couch in bib overalls just so happy that her life was going well. Peace to all. Lynda

[rhonda68]

KIRKSDAD Thank you so much for the story about your son. My son was also ADHD he was quite a handul at times but he was the most loving kind guy you will ever meet. He always had a hug and a kiss on the cheek for his mom. He got into lots of trouble as a teenager but was starting to turn out quite well he was doing quite good for himself was working full time and being more responsible and starting to visit like a nice young adult. Why now when his future was looking so bright. I always told him I love him which I am so grateful for. But how do I go on now I am getting so I cant even function. My life feels like one big mess and I hate it! I will never get over the loss of him there is just one big gigantic hole in my heart. Take care everyone!

Richards MOM

[kirksdad]

One's grief is so specific to each individual. We all have the same type of pain, but the expression of that pain can take so many forms. We try as much as we can to comfort, but in our despair we sometimes feel what we say or do isn't right. We take so many things that are said and fit it to what our emotions are directing us to feel, the way they are directing us to understand what is around us. Sometimes those feelings mislead us because our lives are so different, so changed as to what we were expecting, what we were hoping, wishing for. It plays with everything we say and do, everything we feel.

NO matter what is said, how it is said, we all understand that compassion and understanding is the main goal. No one should feel what is said is directed to them, it isn't, the truth is we all have our moments and we all understand that. All any of us want is support and help, we want others to know how great our kids were, are, and really need to tell our stories. We all feel a terrible loss, no matter how the words come out. The reason we do this is because it is so hard to tell that story to others that haven't gone through this, we have. In experiencing this loss, the death of a child, the drastic change in our lives, we are pulled in so many directions.

Sometimes I know I feel like Jekyll and Hyde, like a rag being torn between two dogs, one moment everything is ok and within the blink of an eye the world is caving in on me. Of course those feelings were overwheming the first couple of years, but like I have said time changes those emotions. We will all get to that place, be it ever so small, at some time, eventually, slowly.

[jscmom]

I would like to share something that happened to me today. I was speaking with a new friend who made the DVD for Johns celebration of life, we have become close since John passed.

The convesation was about her having children and her not wantng to because the trauma of losing her dad. As I explained to her the love for a child as her dad loved her is a million times more. Then she asked me in hesitating would I do it again knowing the outcome? I thought for a half a second and said I'd do it times time over...thats the love of a parent

Love you Johnny

[kathy714]

I have been so sad and depressed these days,it has been almost 7 months since Nate has gone,i can't sleep,i picture him constantly,his beautiful smile,i think of his voice and how he use to say"Hi ma ,whats up.i go over and over the events of that night.I fiqure this is the numbness and the shock wearing off,that i hear people say happens about this time,I just can't believe i will never hold him again,i will never hear his voice in person again,i will never get to see him grow into a mature responsible person,with a family of his own.Iuse to tell Nathan ,when i grow old and gray i know you are going to be the one to come see me everyday and take care of me",because he use to try to be such a tough guy,but really he was all heart...T/C EVERYONE YOU ARE ALL IN MY PRAYERS

[griffinsmom]

To all- I'm sorry I was whining. I picked up on someones comment and it just opened the door for me to express. I guess it is an extension of what is going on in my life. My support system of friends has dropped off, as school has started and my current friends have kids (going to college mostly) or are teachers (like me)- theres just not time in the day to even use the phone. Yes, it works both ways- but who wants to call people and bum them out- the same for visiting. Everyone is sad about Griffin, everyone loves him. They are angry at the driver, and even the fact that I am not out for his blood. Thjere is just no place for revenge in my story.At the same time. it kills me to see him go to college and have his life, when his reckless and negligent behavior cost Griffin his life- as well as mine. I go to cf mtgs 2x/mo- if my husband can get home in time to watch Gianna- kathy714- I have been like you lately, and JCsmom- I AM doing it again...Griffin is now 18, and Gianna is almost 10 mos.

Anyway- this board does help me much, as we are all in the same boat, and I am grateful for it- and all of you. I went to counselling. tried a couple of therapists- but it just didnt mesh. Maybe its time for another search.

If everyone posts their childrens websites in the "new forum", we could get to know each other better....just a thought.

Anyway- for each word posted here there are thousands not being written regarding our individual situations. The devastation runs so deep- and is such a common thread in the cloth we wear. Thanks to all, and peace to all of us on this most unpleasant trip- wish I had the answer...Im sure sick of thr God just wanted him comfort many people hand out -well meaning, but they have their kids. Bet that tune would change if they didn't. Ciao for now

[ellswest]

To everyone-

It is hard to respond to everyone's pain individually. When I read these postings, it helps me feel that I'm not alone in my pain. Some of your situations are closer to mine than others, and there have been many times when I wrote something, only to not send it after all....because I felt it was inadequate, or whatever. I don't think I have ever seen a post on here that offended me, but I can see how some of us don't get the responses that we may need at that time. But that is the nature of an online support group-we're not in the same room together at the same time, but we do need to talk about our kids to those who understand our pain.

Some of the things that seem to keep surfacing for me are these....Its been 25 months since the nightmare began. My son Bobby was ADHD. He had been a "problem child" for us since he started to walk, always one step ahead of everyone. He was 18 and had dropped out of HS in his senior year, but he was starting to "get his life together" and had a job he enjoyed. He was not wearing his seat belt that night.

The friend who was driving survived with minor injures. We have tried our best to forgive him, as he was emotionally devasted. I had to ask the DA not to charge him with manslaughter, because I know Bobby would not have wanted that.

It is very hard for us to see him moving on with his life and takes every bit of courage to face him when he comes to visit and hang out with our younger son like so many of Bobby's friends do.

So much emotion is physically draining. I'm an only child and my father passed away in March and I'm trying to help my mom survive with a broken heart. I quit my job because I have to spend so much time with her. I have been having irregular heart beats lately and need to get a cardiac monitor to see what is going on. I've read that grief can cause heart problems...anyone else notice this?

Mary

[Artina]

Griffinsmom,

No problem... my support is without conditions and you don't need to worry about one more thing. Hang in there.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Ellswest,

I am sorry for the loss or not only your son, but your father too. It sounds like you are a very supportive daughter, mother, wife, and person. Your love is felt. Be sure to take time out of your busy life for your self. And yes, I have heard that grief is hard on the heart in more than one way. A Doctor's visit needs to be on your list- at the top.

Thinking about you, Tina

[julsmom]

I have been having irregular heart beats lately and need to get a cardiac monitor to see what is going on. I've read that grief can cause heart problems...anyone else notice this?

Mary

I spent overnight in the ER shortly after Julie's death for heart pains. You do need to get it checked out. I seem to be do okay now but grief does take a toll on our bodies as well as hearts and minds. Peace. Lynda

[CboysMom]

Ellswest,

I too have lost my Mom recently, it hurts but it wasn't the same feeling of devastation as when I lost my son. Due to my son's heart condition the doctors wanted to do invasive test on my heart as they did my daughter and my husband. I refused the most invasive test (heart biopsy)...........now and then I feel my heart beats too fast or skips a beat. In your case, you should have it checked.

-CboysMom

[alwaysmyjennifer]

While we try to heal our spirits from the pain of our losses, we also need to care for our physical lives. My hope is for good health for all. May peace be yours.

[kathy714]

Dear Mary and Griffinsmom,i agree it is so hard watching all of Nathans friends as they go on with there lives,The girl that invited Nate down to where she was working,served him drinks,then let him leave with someone he didn't even know,also when he wasn't back at 12:30am she only called him once and never went to look for him even though she knew he was on foot and it was only 15 degrees outside,she just went home to bed.WHAT WAS SHE THINKING! Also his best friend now has his job,he told me he feels guilty and has nightmares about Nate.Iwork in a E.R. and last night i had a guy that they found unresponsive and not breathing,they were able to revive him and he left this morning fine.All i could think of all night was ,why did they find him and no one found my son until the next day and he was in a bank parking lot,aren't the police suppose to patrol bank parking lots!!!!!Mary about your heart ,i am sure with all the stress you are under,it is putting a strain on your heart sho you are right by having it checked out,i know everytime i think of Nathan and the fact that he is no longer with me,it takes my breath away and i feel like i can't breathe,and the day the police came to tell me about Nate all i could say was ,"i can't breathe"over and over,again and again,i'll never forget it!Well i think i am babbling,i need sleep T/C you are in my prayers...Kathy,Nates mom

[daveydow1]

Grantsmom,

You mentioned that you searched for your son's scent and the

Cool Water cologne. This hit home for me also. My son, David,

used Cool Water, and the first time I smelled the scent, I just

had to cry & cry. Peace be with you.

[daveydow1]

Kirksdad,

Thank you for your encouraging post. I think all of us hope

and pray that the pain will somehow lessen. None of us will

ever forget our children for a minute. They will always be

with us. Peace to all.

[griffinsmom]

As I read everyones posts, it is so frickin sad. I don't know how we are supposed to go on like this. It would be nice if we could start sharing strategies we use to deal with things. Lets see- for instance- when I am feeling like Griffin is "gone", I tell myself that he is here with me, then I think of "signs" he has sent- like coming through at the John Edwards thing- I asked him to do just what he did...and the conversation with the medium, and my neighbor who saw the red mist passing through the doorway as she was passing through it (long story)....but I'm starting to think that in order to survive this- I will have to start thinking of ways to deal with some specific things.Another example is- I get really panicked when I think of when Gianna is 10, Griffin will have been gone for almost ten years. She will be a little girl, and my son would have been gone for that many years- I can't deal with that, so I have to think of it a different way. I have to not look that far ahead and connect it with the time Griffin is - wherever he is but not here physically- and remember that there is no time in heaven, so he is not out there for years and years- am I making any sense? It'd be nice to meditate when I first get into bed at night, and ask God to let me dream of Griffin- let him come to me in my dreams...and think of that as my last thought before drifting off- rather than the irrevocable I miss him so much....I don't know, Im pretty out of control- but I know I cant have a life like this, or give Gianna a good life, or put Griffin at ease about my grief-. This is work....don't know if I can do it, but maybe someone else will expound on this concept and maybe as a group of parents in this hell, we can develop some coping strategies. Who knows-anyone have some proven strategies? I realize different things for different people- but we all do have this in commom...maybe what helps you may help me, or someone else...

[briansdad]

griffinsmom, What is so frustrating is the fact that about the time you think you have something figured out You have a relapse and fall back into a depression.I've been doing OK but now with a little over a month left till my first anniversary I'm doing all the count down stuff, you know thinking what Brian was doing this time last year.If he only knew how little time he had left.I just seems morbid to do these things and yet I still do it.I'm like you though I just pray for a dream with him in it.The last one I had he was talking to me on my phone and GOD it was so real.He was telling me about a concert he was going to.When I asked him how he was calling me on the phone he just said " she calls me here all the time" I can only assume he meant his 6 year old daughter.I asked him where he was and then I woke up. I was sobbing. It WAS SO REAL. I was very happy to have had it though.

[aprilsmom]

I guess (?) I wish someone could give me a calendar and tell me how I'm supposed to feel as each month goes by. I just tried to go to bed and like many of you, I was praying for a dream tonight; but then I started feeling guilty about my other great kids and the things going on in their lives that I should be praying about, then I got sad, then mad, now here I am, up looking at the computer. Brian's dad; I'm terrified about the one year mark, do you know yet what you will do? Are we supposed to run away that day, and to where? I haven't talked to my son-in-law in several days either; his mom moved in the day of the accident (almost 10 months ago) and hasn't left. I want to go there to be near April's things but I feel like I'm intruding. Her closet is separate with a door, so I KNOW that the smells are still there. Rumors are that my son-in-law is seeing someone, I DO love him and don't want him to be alone forever, he's only 28. everything is a mess. I think that every child born comes with this book of dreams that we all have for them and now that book has been ripped apart page by page. Yesterday, I thought I was doing better. Griffins mom, you wrote almost my exact thoughts, hopefully we'll get some good ideas on coping. Take Care all of you, Renee

[missingchris]

I don't post here often. I always feel like what I have to say is inadaquate to comfort or is just complaining. We just passed the one year mark, and our lives are falling apart. Yes, we got tattoos....... I can't go down the frozen food isle that has Totino Pizza Rolls in it, I fall apart...... STILL. I have a shirt that smells of his cologne in a ziploc baggie so I can smell him whenever I want.... His little brother is just realizing that God won't give his brother back. They were like father and son, they were that close, even with 12 years between them. Our marraige exists, sometimes only because of our 6 year old, because we grieve so differently. And that can be the loneliest feeling in the world. I cope, just by looking at our youngest son, knowing if I or his Father fall completely apart, then his world truly ends. It was enough that he watched his brother struggle for his life , then lose it . Right in front of him. I remind myself that no matter what my pain is like, I have nothing compared to his. The nightmare that little boy lives with is beyond my comprehension, and all the counselors in this area..... No one can help him. Tonite I feel like I have been ravaged from the inside, all my bones broken, all my organs shredded. This pain gets worse every day it seems. The next person that tells me time heals will spend the next 2 weeks waiting for time to heal their broken nose. I'm sick of platitudes from people who have no clue, family members who want everything to look neat and even again. I hate to drive now, I panick every time my husband leaves for work, fearing it's the last time I'll see him again. Nothing brings that true feeling of joy anymore , which means I'm depriving my little one from knowing what it feels like to have his Mother react normally to anything. How do I change it? Who the H*** knows. I keep Chris's site as up to date as I can, it's all I have the strength to do for him now. Thank you (you know of whom I speak). I look at people around me, who still want to play stupid games and mess up their lives, and I have no patience for it. I don't know what to say to anyone on here. I have no words of wisdom, or any offering of comfort. I just pray ( I use that term loosely) that we all survive one moment at a time, and that there is someone there to listen, even if they don't respond.