Loss of an Adult Child

[griffinsmom]

JCs Mom-

I am in your same boat right now, only its been 7 mos. - I have cried for the past two weeks wit little let up- till my ear is popped and my head feels like it will explode. I dont know what to do- but I have to take care of my baby (shes 9 months old)- geez- I cant seem to accept this either. I think the shock is wearing off.

[tinasdad]

Hold on to hope, to the dreams they had, to all the joy they gave us. Hold on to the beauty they painted our world with. Hold on to the way they saw the wonder of it all. The process of grief is painful, yet for our children, we journey on. Even if the process means hospitalization, it's a step toward healing. My thoughts and prayers are with you for the peace we desire.

[ericasmom]

Thanks Daveydow, I hope that my hope generates more in others, feel it is imperative to survival after losing a child. To those of you at 7 adn 10 months after your child's leaving...YOu are experincing very much what I did at those same times, the shock indeed had worn away leaving huge hurt and incomprehensible pain. I thought by then that all the shock had worn away and at 3 months an 4 months I was slammed by the grief, the open sores of it all. Then got myself back to my usual patterns when at around 9 months my whole outlook, everything just felt like it was all crumbling. Sleep was hard, smiling in the face of it all was crazy but there i was teaching 3rd graders and so for them everyday, 6 hours, I had to focus and that really helped me because you know how kids are, such affirmation for me each day to know that in them I will learn lessons of such value. I did, I hung on. One thing that has helped me a great deal is being outside. I have always needed to be outside for walks and bikerides, no matter the weather, and so I never stopped after ERi died, needed it even more, and it is outside that i communicate with her the most. I see her in a bird or butterfly, hear her in the sounds around me, i write her name in newly fallen snow in huge letters, she shines there, i feel her in the wind, she so loved really strong wind and storms. And so it is one way that i feel God and ERi the best. You hit the nail though, it is a layer of shock that protected you, even though you did not feel protected, and now it is a new layer of you that needs to form. And it will, you will find strength in this I know.

My heart and prayers.

[isabelle]

I haven't posted in a while. It's been 22 months and 7 days since I lost my youngest child, Ray. I don't feel as if I have moved beyond 5:30 am October 9, 2003. My life has stopped. I have only a very shallow interest in anything around me. I actually found myself jealous of my granddaughter's grandmother (on her father's side). She died yesterday at 57. I'll be 56 in September. I really see no point to life. Although I don't think I would commit suicide, I want an ending soon. The pain and grief are so severe that there are times that I am actually emotionless when thinking of my son's death. I don't really have emotions about anything - It's a wonder that I am still married to my husband, who seems to be carrying on with life. We were in Chicago 2 weeks ago, and we stayed at the Hard Rock Hotel - little did I know that it was all about Rock and Roll. My son was lead guitar with a rock and roll band. First thing I did when we arrived was go into the bathroom and cry. Too much pain, too much sadness. There are so many people who want to live and love life, and there are many whose days are numbered for lack of organ donation. Why not have euthanasia for those of us who don't want to be here, we could donate organs to those who want to live and love life. Sorry to sound so down.

Elizabeth,

Ray's Mom

[ericasmom]

Dear Elisabeth,

I am so sorry for the despair you are feeling. I hope that i do not sound as though i am preaching, do not want to but i do want you to feel life in you again. Have you gone to a therapist? I go weekly and it has helped me a great deal, to know that in addition to talking on this site and one other, and talking to friends, and writing in a journal that holds my deep and darkest days, she is there to listen and to empathize and to make suggestions or just simply to acknowledge the absolute pain of this loss. I lost my girl three months prior to your losing Ray. She was 19. I feelher kicking me in the butt sometimes when i really don't want to interact with others. Her energy spurs me on. I hope that somehow you find a point to living soon and that you will find people that can help you get there.

prayers,

dee

[rmcaggiano]

Stu,

Hello, I haven't been online in a few days and I just read your

post of how you lost your Carrie and Matthew. I don't know what

to say but, I am so sorry. I don't know how you endure this loss

a second time, because I know after the loss of my Nicholas, nothing

is right. You have to be extremely strong I'm sure, and indeed you

are. I do agree with you, that this "God" that is suppose to be

with us, well, I'm sorry, I don't feel him too close to me, not

right now anyway. However, I'm without a doubt that your Carrie and

Matthew and my Nicholas are in a place quite beautiful and they

are without pain and are indeed waiting for thier mom and dad to

be with them agian.

I can't even imagine the "Hell" that must be with having "the" husband

be so cruel to you and you have to move your children's coffins, My God!

I'm not sure if that attitude is worse than a cold murderer. Once again

your strength is remarkable. I can only imagine what I would do if

someone even were to speak a negative word about my Nicholas let alone

having to move my children from thier resting place.

Peace Be with you, Stu

Rose

[heartbrokendad]

Dear Rose,

Thank you for your expresions of sympathy, it has been a tough time,I miss them so very much, I go each day to the cemetary to be near them, and I know that their spirits are free, and that the only thing there is their bodies, but its the last time I saw them, so thats where I go.

I do beleive in karma, and know that some day he will get his...I always said that I wouldnt wish this on anyone, I have had to change that expresion...

But, I also understand your pain, and hope that you may find peace in this upside down world....

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad......forever

[missingchris]

"The pain and grief are so severe that there are times that I am actually emotionless when thinking of my son's death."

Thank you so much for sharing that. I thought i was crazy, or left heartless by our son's death. I've wandered into a phase where, the tears come so seldom that I question who I am. Or what kind of person I've turned into. I don't know where grief will take me next, but yet I wait..... sometimes in dread, sometimes just not caring. The only explanation I have is that Chris is numbing me so as to be able to take care of Dakota. Because when I'm experiencing the gut and soul wrenching pain, I am no good to anyone.

My thoughts are with all of you...........

[jscmom]

Stu, What a jerk that so called man is. Yes karma is a powerful thing he will learn his lesson. You are a hero to me, may you find peace.

As far as hanging on to Johnny's dreams and hopes, I find this so difficult because he doesn't/ won't/ can't live them now. The day of his accident we talked about his dreams, his new job, his wedding in the spring, giving me a my first grandson. All of his dreams gone in a blink of an eye.

We live in a fairly small town, football is a major part of this city, they actually close streets and have floats on semi trucks with each grade on them for the football team.

This day is coming up along with football season I can't even watch them. I will not go to town on that day. Too many memories.

I am having a hard time living in our home where he grew up, he is suppossed to walk in any time and he never will again.

I feel so guilty having to remove his life support, I look at the pictures of him laying in that bed hooked up to everything possible and ty to convince myself I made the right choice. Now I tell myself what if I waited one more day would he have woke up? God this is a nightmare.

His friends are beginning to have babies and I feel so cheated. I don't mean to sound so selfish but he had so much to live for as I know all our children did. I know Johnny would not want me staying in bed, in being able to function I also know he would be laying next to just talking with me.

How do we get through this? September 26 2004 the accident, 10/10/04 he took his last breath, 10/21/04 he was layed to rest. It seems today yet forever since I held him in my arms the last time.

I am so sorry for all of us here, I read all these posts and I think of you often. I am sorry I don't write well thanks for listening.

[heartbrokendad]

jscmom,

We can never know if we did the right thing, did I do the right thing giving Carrie money to buy her drugs, not knowing she was buying street drugs? Did I do the right thing letting Matthew go to Fla to be with his mother, knowing I would probably never see him alive again? We make choices that seem like the right thing to do, and thats the best we can do. Your a very brave woman,and I admire your courage.

Peace to you, and keep in touch, if you want, email me at swalton@mah.harvard.edu

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[rmcaggiano]

Stu,

I just read your post, and I too gave my

Nicholas money to help him out, I had just put

him into his own apartment in January, he went

to school and worked and our agreement was as long

as he stayed in college I would pay his rent and help

him out, he too has my grandson whom he and the mother

are very close, she's close to all of us. I now wonder

if he used some of the money for other things, it

bothers me the not knowing. However, I don't believe

that all kids his age (21) do these things either.

Everytime I think about it, I feel that when I got

Nicholas his own place and he was on his own sort of

that apartment was where he would take his last breath.

For the first time he was out on his own, I felt like it

was time, and now I wish to God I had never got him that

place. I have so many unanswered questions.

Thank-you, Stu

[heartbrokendad]

Dear rmcaggiano,

We will always have these doubts, these woulda, shoulda, couldas...but once we are with them again, it will all be good....I really believe that.

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[momofbrandon]

Just let another son go off to college. Didn't want to let him go! Brandon had only finished one year of college when he was stolen from us. I know the feelings you all have and pray (when I can- have a hard time doing that) that we will all make it through another day. I want to hold my other children and try and protect them even more. Has been a difficult time.

[tinasdad]

heartbrokendad, we will be reunited with our children, and forever. Never again can they be taken from us. My theological training can conjure words of hope, but this pain stays with us, because these are our children. My thoughts and prayers are with you for the peace and comfort you need. Mark

[julsmom]

to all, we cannot play the "should of, would of, could of" game. To those who children became victims of drugs and your concern about giving money to them, think of those of us whose children died in one car crashes. It was we who taught them how to drive. My husband and I beat ourself up a lot over this one. If we had taught her better, if we had been with her when she bought her new car (less than 1 month old when she died), if we hadn't advanced her money so she should go away that weekend (she had lost her ID the weekend before and couldn't access her bank account, so the Bank of Mom and Dad came through), if we never left our home city (she would never have found the love of her life), etc. It is an evil game to play.

Mark (and perhaps others) - you might be interested in this website: http://www.pbs.org/now/society/eulogy.html I found a lot of theological comfort in it.

Peace to all weary travelers. Lynda

[rhonda68]

Yes the should of would have could have game what a terrible game of giult. I have had lots of these thoughts as well. I should have never left our home town a couple of years ago he didn't know the roads in his new area,if it wasnt for me he would not have gotten into so much trouble in previous years,I should have tied him up when he was home for the weekend. I should have never told him about the car that was for sale he only had it 3 weeks. I hate myself I am the worst mother I wasnt there for him when he was killed etc etc just about drives me nuts well it does!

Richards Mom

[jscmom]

Stu thank you for your words of encourgement. I did not feel brave still don't I just knew in my hearts of hearts he was not coming back. Sadly he was not able to be a donor as we wanted because doctors screwed up, he was too infected to donate.

I know what you mean about choices our kids make, Johns choice was meth and pot besides drinking.

Anyway drugs that is why my son left CA, to get away from old friends and bad habits. I did not that he was that addicted until he arrived in Iowa when he told me why he left. He said he had to get away he was tired of being a drug addict... and he was going to make us proud.

Crank, meth whatever they call it was his drug of choice. I knew he liked smoking pot we aruged about that a lot, I did not know how much he used crank until after he died.

All I can say is that when he arrived at the hospital after the trauma doctor told me of his condition one of my first questions to him was if he had drugs in his system and to my releif he did not. Plenty of alchol but no drugs. John kept his promise.

That is what I am grateful for if anything John did do what he wanted he wanted off drugs and he was.

I hated the drinking also and that was the contributing factor to his accident and ultimately his death.

I will never understand the use of drugs and why our children begin and continue to use them. If they only knew what their choices have done to them and all who love them. My thoughts are with you and all who post here.

[jscmom]

To Shoregirl, I just read your post. I am so sorry no could express what I am feeling for you.

Yes we all have been robbed of our childrens future and ours. We are left with undying pain and sorrow.

This site helps me and I hope it will help you too. I am still raw and I don't think it will go away soon. We all know how you feel and we are here to for you. I myself may not be as helpful as I am fairly new here, yet unfournatly there are many here that have been here for awhile. Again I am so very sorry.

[kirksdad]

Dear Parents,

I would like to give everyone an opportunity to have a special place that their child's memorial website could be viewed. I feel that having them in the posts is nice, but hard to find and having to cut and past is not always the best way to get people to view the sites. Therefore I am starting this new strand so that we can keep the sites in one place without clutter. I mention that I want them without clutter so I am going to have to make up some rules for the use of this strand. I will also be monitoring it daily and will have to edit it as I see fit if something other than what I ask for is posted. I do not want this strand to get into a posting strand, just a place where the websites along with some information is posted making it easier to have others view these sites.

The rules will be as follows.

1. Only the child's name, Dates, Parents or immediate family, along with the website will be allowed. I am putting in an example in the next post with Kirk's site listed. This is the only way I will allow them to be place in this strand.

2. I will reserve the right to edit out any information other than what I have asked for. If I feel it is unintentional I will first write to explain why I will need to edit it.

3. There will be no advertisements permitted.

4. Only one site can be posted with each child. If one wants to change it periodically they will need to write me to change it or they can go in and edit it if that is possible, but if more than one site is posted the top site will remain and the other site will be edited.

5. I am sorry to have to do it this way, but I really want to have our kid's sites shown with a minimal amount of information that does not relate to the sites.

The new strand Kid's Memorial Sites is now a new place to put our memorial sites.

Jim, Kirksdad

Kirk Matthew Balthazor

June 11, 1983 - August 5, 2000

Sone of Jim and Cindy, Brother to Teryn

http://www.beyondindigo.com/memorials/memorials.php/dID/229

[tinasdad]

jscmom, just wanted to say a little something in response to your post. While you haven't been here as long as some, you have helped many by your encouragement and words of hope. I know you've helped my wife and me along our way in the sorrow we bear for Stacey. Thank you for writing. Mark

[griffinsmom]

MissingChris-

Sometimes the lack of feeling seems to be the heart and mind trying to "pretend" nothing happened....thats my experience, anyway. Maybe it is the beginning of school that is making this a most difficult time. Yesterday was the first day in 2 weeks I didn't spend most of iy crying. Of course, this weekend, many of Griffins friends will be off to college. It's all just killing me.

Hey! Have a great day, right?

[rmcaggiano]

To Julsmom,

In response to your post, (which was addressed to

Stu, according to his words that were some what

along the line with what happened to my Son)I don't

believe that ANYONE on this site is playing ANY sort of

"game", THIS IS OUR CHILDREN THAT ARE GONE! Whether they

were in an accident or drug overdose, THEY (mine and yours)

WERE TAKEN, the point I was trying to make in regards to "your"

woulda, shoulda, coulda GAME, is that I KNOW NOW, NOT ONLY

I AS A PARENT HAVE QUESTIONS, BUT, DON'T WE ALL, not as a game

but, I know alot of "our" questions and answers lie with

"all of our" children.

However any of them were taken, the fact still remains, IT'S

NOT HOW THE "PLAN" IS SUPPOSE TO BE, JUST AS YOU DID, I WAS NOT

SUPPOSE TO BURY MY SON.

Rose

[heartbrokendad]

Dear Friends,

It would be nice if we all thought about, and prayed for, if your a believer in prayer, Missingchris, she is having a surgical procedure, and we should all be wishing her luck.

Good luck Bec....

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[tinasdad]

heartbrokendad, thanks for mentioning this. I'll keep her in my prayers today. God is with ya, Bec. Mark

[aprilsmom]

The other evening I stumbled on this website and read for hours. All of your accounts are so close to home. We lost our beautiful 26 yr. old daughter April on Nov. 17th, 2004. There is so much construction going on in the Antelope Valley and lots of big trucks. A red Peterbuilt struck the door of her truck and she died instantly. We still do not know exactly what happened; she was a careful driver. Talk about "woulda, coulda, shoulda....". I SAW Apes 11 mins. before the 911 call went in-what if she hadn't stopped to talk to me? Would she have been through the intersection and safe? Please all of you, don't torture yourself any more than we already are with thoughts like that! We just passed the 9 month mark and a new numbness has settled over me, I have not cried in a few days and that is strange for me. I feel April with me. Thank God I have a teaching job that requires my full attention, unfortunately I have to drive to several different schools and I see EVERY SINGLE Peterbuilt on the road. Please visit aprilduarte.com it was created with love from a friend in Long Beach, California.

[Artina]

Aprilsmom,

I am sorry for your loss. Like Lynda said, we just can't do that to ourselves- especially if we think about all the times that NOTHING happened to our children.

I have to be very careful when it comes to thinking about that "one minute", or "one second" in time that could have changed everything. What happens to me when I start thinking like that is... I become paranoid about every decision- it has to be the "right" decision. God knows that I don't want to regret away that "one second" in time that may stay with me for the rest of my life. Yet, on the flip side of that, even if I try to make the "right" decisions every "second", something could still happen. Hindsight is everything!!! That's what this is all about. Hindsight. We didn't make a choice that day that was based on the life of our child or the death of our child. No way. The bottom line is- we would go to the end of the earth for our children- we would die for our children. It's just CRAZY MAKING when we do the shoulda, coulda, woulda "game". I have to consciously tell myself that, "I didn't make a choice to lose my son that day". It takes a lot of strength to change that thought process, but it is so necessary. Guilt will sink us and everyone around us.

We love our children and we wouldn't want anything to happen to any one of our children. Even in grief- our deepest sorrow- we worry about our living children more than ourselves. Parents are the most loving and giving people on earth (in most cases). We need to be gentle on ourselves...

Please know that Beyond Indigo parents are here to listen, seek council, share tools, and more than anything- support each other.

Peace to you, Tina

[kirksdad]

Aprilsmom, I am so sorry for your loss, I have come to the conclusion though that second guessing is not going to get anyone anywhere and what is going to happen is going to happen. That doens't mean that our actions can't cause something to happen, but in the last 5 years listening to everyone who has gone through this not one parent I have heard has ever been the directly or indirectly the cause of their child's death. That doesn't mean that we don't hurt and wish, but as for whata coulda woulda, it will drive you crazy and really, in all truth, we loved our kids way too much to be remotely responsible for what they went through.

In the beginning we felt the same way, but as time has gone along we have come to see that our son's fate was in someone else's hands. Wish it would have been ours for the first couple of years after his death, but have come to realize that we did the best we could, loved him, cared for him, and that was what we are so grateful for now.

[tinasdad]

kirksdad and artina, I don't think I can thank you enough for writing those words. I too have endured these questions in my mind, and even a self-pity because my daughter was murdered during a rape. My greatest task is to remain strong, so the one guilty doesn't win a psychological battle by driving me insane with fear, fear of such crimes. As I've read everyone's posts, I realize my daughter's death was no worse, physically or emotionally, than any of your children's. In looking at my situation, I thank you all, and especially you, Tina, for such encouragement, which helps me overcome that psychological battle. I cherish the hope and strength you help me generate within my soul. Thanks. Mark

Stacey, your Dad loves you.

[aprilsmom]

A few months ago I heard the phrase, "Love is Stronger than Death". Everything you have written here keeps reinforcing it with me. This morning I found myself repeating it over and over.........thanks for listening. I also read the ADC section. When April was in the accident the coroner took hours to get to the scene because he kept getting held up in L.A. After a few hours a friend from work saw her license plate and started the fury of phone calls. The coroner told me it was a miracle that most of the family and I were able to see April and say our goodbyes, that most families have to wait 3-5 days and well, it's different then. When I walked across the street to the gurney, I felt April over my right shoulder, "Be strong mom, take care of Bobby, take care of Bobby, take care of Bobby, you were right mom." Bobby is her husband and high school sweetheart of 10 years. About being right, I know that meant about her faith in the Lord. I did NOT conjure up or imagine any of this, because if it had been MY imagination, those are not the things April would have said at all. May His peace and your children's love surround all of you today!

[kathy714]

Hello,i have been working alot lately,but have been coming on late at night while working to read the post ,but haven't had a chance to post.I can relate to the subject of feeling guilty,because i was the one who took Nathan to the bar where his friend was working,the night of his birthday.What is bizzare about it normally i would of said NO,it's to late and to cold.But because it was his birthday and his puppy had died that day [fell through the ice]i felt bad that he had such a bad day.So there are definantly days where i blame myself,but i do beieve that at the time it was a safe judgement call ,i never dreamed he would leave the bar with a stanger,i fiqured he wouldn't be driving[his friend lived across the street],he only had a hour until closing,so i thought what could really happen.Ialso believe god has a plan for us and when it is your time,there really isn't any thing we can do to change that.It has been 7 months since God changed my life forever,each day the hurt gets stronger,i agree with what someone else said,i think the numbness is wearing off and the pain keeps growing and growing,not a minute of the day goes by,where i am not thinking of my son Nathan and the what if's.....

[momofbrandon]

It was two months ago today that our son Brandon, only 20 years old, was stolen from us in a horrible car accident. I am so heart broken. To top it all off- we also found out that we were again lied to by the police. Why should a parent have to read in the paper that the driver of the car that our son died in is being charged with negligent homicide? We were told at the time of the accident that the driver was not drinking Blood Alcohol level of 0. Now read in the paper that "alcohol is considered a factor" in the accident. Not only have we lost our son, but then to feel totally victimized by law enforcement and the news.

[momofbrandon]

what is an angel day?

[jscmom]

MomofBrandon; I am sorry that you too have to listen or read the lies. However they don't call them lies.

All my lies came from the doctors. Media was all over my son's accident they even found me at the hotel where I was staying while my John was dying.

John was listed as John G until I arrived to identify him. The media was phoning the hospital trying to gat his name and updates on his condition. I felt this was a personal matter and I did not need them bothering us.

Most of the attention the media wanted was the fact that John's girlfriend was driving and had been drinking and therfore they were waiting to see what she was going to be charged with, besides dwi with the intent to do bodily harm. Well once we were permitted to let our John go, the charge went to vechicle homicide along with dwi.

I know tis is hard for a lot of you to understand but we did not blame her 100% we felt that John also was drinking they both made a choice a bad choice a wrong choice of free will. He was (is) my baby yet he was an adult and made a bad decesion.

The DA was very mad at me for not going along with what she was charged with and when I told her we were to fight for Shannon, she gave us another DA who worked with us instead of against us. Once doing this the media backed off.

Doctors lied from the start. After reading Johns medical reports there were so many things that weren't told to us from the time of his accident to the the day the doctors ethically let us let my son go with dignity.

What we did was for my son I know he would not her in a penitenary, she would have received 5 years min.

The decesion to fight for her was based on police reports, and medical reports.

I feel that she is a prisoner in her own mind, she has to live with what happened for the rest of her life. Yes I am angry my son is gone, yes I am angry at their stupid choice, yet knowing what my son would want me to do was most important. I just hope she will be able to live her life to the fullest and have her dreams come true, they won't be with my son which is the greatest loss yet she does deserve a life and needs plenty of love support and counsling for a long time.

No matter what choices our children make no matter how old they are the pain and sadness will always be there.

Make no mistake if she doesn't follow the terms of her probation and ends up in prison that will be on her. She has a second chance to make a good life, I hope she does but if not then I will not feel sorry for her. I did make this clear to her after her sentencing. The judge told her point blank that if we were not the on her behalf he would have put her in prison, and do not let John's death be in vain.

Mark you said all something about the way our children have died, for me Mark the way your daughter left this world is worse than the ay my son left. We all feel the unbearable pain, sorrow, and lost but I just can't imange murder. To all who may disagree with my thoughts, I do not mean to make anyone mad just my thoughts.

[jscmom]

MomofBrandon; I beleive Angel dates are the day our children left us to be one of God's angels.

[tinasdad]

Jscmom, thank you for the dear thoughts about Stacey's death. You've done well in supporting Shannon. You're right about the personal hell she endures. That will last her lifetime. If you'd like, hit my email sometime, and I'll tell you why I'm sensitive to the needs and sorrow of someone who has taken a life unintentionally. My thoughts and prayers for all of you for healing. Mark

[julsmom]

to those who have posted regarding my last posting, thank you. I did not mean to make anyone feel guilty or offend anyone. I know that death is no game and that we all would like answers. It has bothered me immensely that folks may have taken my posting wrong. I find great comfort in reading everyone's posts and posting my self. The dark clouds are hovering around me and I just want to crawl into a hole somewhere and not be strong, and not be brave. I miss my daughter so much. This new life I live is just too much some days and this is one of them. Thank you, my unmet friends, for understanding and for being there. May we all find peace.

Lynda (Julie's mom, 12/15/75-10/13/03)

It has been said that "time heals all wounds." I do not agree. The wound remains. In time, the mind (protecting its sanity) covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone. - Rose Kennedy

[tinasdad]

Julsmom, rest your heart knowing that we're not offended. The serious business of death leads our souls into dark places we'd all rather not venture. When you feel you have no more strength, rest. Some days, I can't understand this Lone Ranger society, where people think men shouldn't cry and we should all "get over" our grief in three days or less. Sounds like a furniture store delivery schedule. The truth of grief is, if the Lone Ranger's child died, he'd also crawl into a hole, and take Tonto along for a shoulder to cry on. My thoughts and prayers are with you. *supportive hugs for all*

[tinasdad]

To everyone. I'm writing this to ask your advice, because, my daughter was born Jennifer, then adopted as Stacey. I have been feeling miserable lately, because I don't know which name I should use. I know this sounds silly, but it's heartbreaking to a father who's child was adopted with a name change. If any of you feel like replying, I'd like to know your thoughts on the right to do. I've made one decision about this, to change my screen name in her honor when I figure this out. Thank you in advance. Mark

[aprilsmom]

Hi Mark, Do you have a certain feeling inside when you refer to your daughter by either of the names? After all I've read from your postings, she was definitely YOUR daughter through and through. I don't even know you, but I love the name Jennifer:)

[tvvsmom]

I have been reading the posts for the last couple of months since finding this site. I want to tell all of you how sorry I am that you have lost a child. My son was killed in a accident two years ago and our family's lives have been devastated since. The person who caused the accident lied and lied about the events leading up to the accident and actually claimed my son was to blame. Since spending hours and hours and with the company's help we have found out all the lies and know that the co-worker made some awful mistakes, caused the accident, lied and covered it all up. Since all this dragged out for two years, there hasn't been any resolution on our part, and now so much bitterness and anger at the person who caused the accident. It is hard to get past that part and deal with all the grief too.

Anyhow, I found a quote that helped me understand the depth of our grief. It is "Few things are enduring as the bond between loved ones. The greater the bond--the stronger the connection. When a strong circle is broken, the loss can seem unbearable."

[tinasdad]

tvvsmom, I'm deeply sorry for the loss of your son. The quote you wrote is so true, that our loss in unbearable. In popular psychology, the latest catchword is "closure," like we're supposed to close the book on them and live on like they didn't exist. If we as much as acknowledge our children, we suffer so deeply. My thoughts and prayers for peace are with you. Mark

[tinasdad]

Aprilsmom, when I call her Stacey, the name she went by for 21 years, I feel vanilla. When I call her Jennifer Kacy (her middle name at birth), I'm a basket of emotions, a crying mess. Maybe I just answered my own question, eh? Thanks so much. Mark

[julsmom]

"Few things are enduring as the bond between loved ones. The greater the bond--the stronger the connection. When a strong circle is broken, the loss can seem unbearable."

tvvsmom - thank you for this quote. We are (were) a small family, just us parents, our son and our daughter, but we strived to be a close-knit family, like all who post here. Julie's death has seemed so unbearable, this link in the family chain has been broken and cannot be mended.

Peace to all. Lynda

[Artina]

Lynda,

You did not offend me when you posted the word "game"- I knew exactly what you meant (mind games that we torture ourselves with). I know that no parent on this board would ever refer to their child's death as a game- especially you. I know that you were just trying to be helpful and used the word to explain what we could be doing to ourselves (torturing ourselves). You are a sweet, loving, and supportive beyond Indigo friend- no worries and lots of HUGS!

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Twsmom,

I am so sorry for your loss. You are so right about the depth of love and loss-I also believe that the bond the held (holds) us together can never be broken! Death will only seperate us for a while...

I am sorry that you have had to deal with circumstances that continue to add pain to your grief. Please know that we care and we are here to support each other.

Peace to you, Tina

[julsmom]

Tina, thank you. Hugs back to you. Lynda

[tvvsmom]

TinasDad That is why I used the word resolution--closure does mean an end--and there will never be an end to our love for our children who have died or an end to our our grief. Our circumstances losing our children, are all so different, but our grief is all the same--unbearable and all encompassing. It has changed all of our lives, and nothing ever will be the same as it was--I don't think I will ever take anything for granted again, and if possible, my family is even more important to me. I wonder if we will ever feel joy again? Somehow I don't think so. I'm so sorry for everyone who is here and why we are here searching for others who understand what we are going through--we belong to a "special club" that no one want to join. My thoughts are with you all...... I wish peace for us all.

[kathy714]

Dear julsmom,i can relate and understand what you mean about pressing charges on your son's girlfriend.When Nate passed away everyone wanted me to press charges on the friend that served him at the bar,and also the bar itself,they felt even though Nate wasn't driving and was on foot there should still be a certain responsiblity to how much they serve someone to drink.His alc. level was 2.3.I felt that Nathan wouldn't want that and it wouldn't change things, it wouldn't bring Nathan back.The way i see it his friend has to live with the guilt the rest of her life,i don't know how much he drank,he was only there 1 hour,thats why there is a lot of things that don't add up ,and like you the press was hounding the detectives for stories,which they didn't even get right.ALL I know is i miss my son more and more each day... T/C you all are in my prayers.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

From Mark, Tinasdad. In honor of my daughter, I've changed my screen name. I wanted to honor her in a way that also honored her mother, who named her Jennifer. I also feel I've shown her killer that she can never be completely taken away from me. She will always be my angel child. Settling this issue has given my soul a little peace. Aprilsmom, thank you for your advice, which helped me greatly in this decision.

To my Jennifer Kacy Lee, I love you.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Kathy714, whether or not legal action is sought, you must be able to sleep at night, knowing you did the right thing. Your heart needs peace, either way. I believe that what you have done is noble. I can only think of how proud your son is of you now.