Loss of an Adult Child

[jscmom]

To Kathy, thank you for your reply. It is nice that you did. I am so sorry for your dear son Nathan. I try no to place blame but it doesn't seem to stop the anger I feel not having Johnny here anymore.

I do hope our sons are kickin it where they are now, sure do miss it here.

Again thx for listening all.

[ericasmom]

Hi All,

we are two days away from Erica's 2nd year gone. She died on the 14th, and on Sunday the 17th, we will have a gathering with her friends in our yard. My son's friends will be here as well as a support to Jonathan but also because they were all like big brothers to her. With only 2 years etween them they became good friends in their early adult years and lived together in Michigan, where Eri died. Still the kids come but i know at first it was hard for them to know if they could still come over and certainly with time, they come less. But the gathering is something that helps us all as it gives them a place to cry, laugh, reminisce, and talk about their lives and what they are doing. Sometimes the kids stay away afraid to make us more sad, sometimes it is too sad for them, being in the house that they ate so many meals in, and they see their lost friend in your faces, sometimes they simply do not know waht to do with their emotions. I think it is harder for the boys, just so conditioned to not let down their emotions. You might find however, that if you put out a date and a time, that many will come and many will remark about how good it feels to be near you again. YOu are parents they have known and loved and respected for years, and so maybe reconnecting will be just what your hearts need.

Be well,

dee

[heartbrokendad]

Hi Dee,

Matthews second anniversary date is the 16th, 8 months after his sisters death.

I just had CrrieAnns birthday celebration on the 3rd, now another very very sad date is here again. How do we go on??

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[donosmom]

Today is the second anniversay of Matthew's death, this nightmare continues.

Matthews mom Mary

11-03-79 7-13-03

[missingchris]

Hugs to all with hard dates upon them. Ours is coming, and dread it with all that I am.

[rhonda68]

Thinking of all of you with your Angel dates. This is so so hard. I have the urge to end my life so bad at times does anyone else feel like this. The struggle is just too hard I dont want to be here without my son its just not right. Love and Hugs!

Richards Mom

[heartbrokendad]

Dear Rhonda68,

I think a lot of us here think about joining our children at some time or other, I know I have even gone so far as to set a date when I would do it, but then who would be here to tell people of our children?

Stu

Carri and Matthews dad

[missingchris]

Rhonda,

you most certainly are not alone. Most of us here have felt that way at one time or another. Some of us every day. Even my 6 year old wants the pain to end, the screams of his brother to go away. If you ever need to talk, we're here, keep posting, my email is in my profile.

Stu,

I know this is a heartbreaking month for you, and I'm sorry I won't be around on the 16th to talk to you. You will be in my thoughts and in my heart Saturday.

[julsmom]

to all with anniversarys/birthdays this month, peace to all of you. You are in my prayers. I see strength and healing in many of the postings (especially you Stu), it is encouraging for all of us to continue one step at a time. Lynda

[ericasmom]

Dear Stu,

bless you in your pain. I love what you said about why you cannot end your days here...who would tell others about the kids. YOur Carrie and Matthew have a wonderfully loving dad, and I know they must be smiling on you now and hoping to help soften the pain. My thoughts and prayers as you go along facing the days.

To Donosmom, I believe today is your son's anniversary, and so my heart to you. I am so sorry that you are in this boat, bless you at this very sad time. Your boy left one day before my girl. A summer of tears.

To all that wish they could end their time here, please hang on and talk to people here, talk to a privaate counselor, talk in a group...whatever it takes. I do not mean to preach,I do know the lure of leaving since Eri died, I just feel that leaving by your own hand will make your babies so sad, so in their honor, find a way that makes life worth getting up each day. No matter what, our children love us and never wanted us to ache like this.

Life still precious in the misery and eventually the sun seeps in slowly. At least i hope so.

my heart,

dee

[griffinsmom]

http://www.beyondindigo.com/memorials/memorials.php/dID/642c7d993a618c

Not to change the subject, but I was able to make a memorial page at beyond indigo- Im not sure how you can access it- but here is the address (first line).

Check it out, sign the guestbook- Im curious to see how this goes. He also has a memory-of.com site. Still in the house....FYI

good luck to all of us.

Ending your life? Mine has ended, as far as ir once was. I have no idea what my life is going to morph into as I hide in my cocoon. Ericasmom- you are very inspirational. Thanks all.

[jscmom]

I think all of us at one time or another think of ending it to be with children. I must admit i do more often than I want to, yet what stps me is what that would do to my only daughter, my granddaughters, and my husband. So I just wait for my turn.

Stu-what a beautiful statement....

Eri's mom thank you for words of hope and I will be thinking of all of you who have angel dates coming and those of us that still have to deal with all the 1st's. Nightmare is the perfect word for our new life just wish I would wake up.

Question for anyone everyone...what do we do with our childs things. I have some of Johnny's things and I have gathered them for his memory chest...what do you do when others want things?????????????

I do not have all of my son's things as he died in Neb. and lived in Iowa. My family wants me to take my son's things from his girlfriend. I tnink it is wrong at this time because I feel she needs to let his things go in her own time.

I went through losing a boyfriend I was living with long ago, his family came in took what they wanted before he was even buried. I remember I felt so hurt on top of hurt, they did not seem to care.

It took me a year to even open his side of the closet.

Thanks for your help,

Johnny's mom forever

[ashleysmom]

Dee,

You are in my thoughts. My heart is with you today as you face the worst of the firsts. I hope you find comfort.

Jscmom, I have not given anything of Ashleys away yet, except for a couple of things to her sister. I just can't go through it. I don't want to lose anything of hers, she'll never have anything else. Ashley's boyfriend has a couple of things, but I do have the rest.

[julsmom]

jscmom- don't really have any words of advice about giving things away. We did give all of Julie's clothing to a local thrift shop, except those items I wanted. Still have all of her books (she was an avid reading, taught English) and music (her boyfriend used to burn tapes and CDs for her) still to go through. I know I need to do this but find it extremely difficult to do so. One of her high school friends wants a album of pictures she gave to her when Julie left high school, but I can't even think about going through pictures yet. Her boyfriend has had a series of bad luck incidents and is still not doing well emotionally. I hate to give him anything because I do not want to set any healing he may have back. May we all find peace. Lynda

[jahrynsmom]

My aunt lost a daughter 30 years ago. When I lost my son in

dec. 04, she mentioned to me not to give anything away until I was ready to. She gave precious things away to help friends come to terms with her daughters death and regretted it soon after. We have a need to make things better for others, forgetting that we need to feel a connection to our child through their possessions as that is all that we have left. You will know in your heart when the time is right and you are ready to part with things. There is no hurry. If these people were truly important in your childs life, they will understand and give you the time that you need. My heart goes out to us all. Be strong.

[rhonda68]

I am really ready to call it quits just wondering what I should do? I am in financial despair and the jerk of an ex wont give anything except take his girlfriend to mexico. I am having so much trouble with my 15 year old drinking. My Aunt was kind enough to give him a job and he got caught stealing. Talk about emberassing. Stealing booze I might add. I am so frustrted and dont know what to do next. Too many problems not enough good in life. Is there anyone I could come live with that might give a damn? LOL I keep seeing my son lying in the ditch hurt and bleeding I am sincerely going nuts any suggestions people just dont seem to understand.

Totally frustrated

Richards mom

[brin3d]

JCSMOM - My daughter lived with me when she died two years ago. I have packed away all of her stuff like clothes and three large totes of shoes (her collection) and little nick-nacks. I only gave some shirts to my sister (her auntie)...perfumes and cosmetics to a very close friend of hers and the ring that her brother bought for her I gave back to him. He wears it on a chain close to his heart. My other son took some of her CD's that they both liked. I have all the books and baby items that she bought for her daughter packed away as well as all her jewelry. Someday her daughter may want this stuff. If not than at that time I might go through it. Then again, I might not ever. When the time is right to make those types of decisions, you will know it in your heart.

Rhonda68 - I am saddened that your grief and situation is so profound. I wish I had the right words to make things right. You should never be embarrassed by someone elses actions. Your son made a conscience choice to do the things he is doing. All you can do is be his parent and offer him the help that he needs. If he is anything like my youngest son, he was devastated by the loss of his sister but did not want to deal with it. He was angry alot and all his energies were put into sports and school work for which I am thankful for. However someday he will have to deal with his emotions. They will not stay buried forever I'm afraid. I too think about my daughter and what went through her mind. Did she have time to think? Did she know she was dying with her child in the back seat? Was she aware that her child was alright? Was she afraid because I was not with her to comfort her? I cannot continually ask myself these questions that will never be answered until I see her again. If I continue to wonder I would drive myself crazy. I have to hope that she had no awareness and that she knows today that her daughter is her beautiful and wonderful creation and that I have her to share memories with.

I truly hope that things get better for you and that you find some goodness and peace in life itself.

Barb

[daveydow1]

Dee,

Thinking of you on today your angel day. I pray that you

can get through this most sorowful day. Our angel days

are only 1 mo. apart. My Davey's was 6/14/03. May you

find some somfort in your dear daughter Ashley's memory,

and your love for her. As for parting with her things---

I was able to pass quite a few of Davey's clothes to the

local Salvation Army. However, I cannot let go of any of

his other cothes or belongings. It's too traumatic to do

so. This computer I am on now is one that he built himself,

( he was a certified technician.) Keep hold of Ashley's

things if it is difficult for you to part with them. I

think that these things are only "things", of course, but

they are things that our dear children thought about,

selected, and paid for. So, therefore, they had special

meaning to them, and now have special meaning to us.

Just be kind to yourself today and the days to come. Peace

be with you.

[julsmom]

I read the posts and feel everyone's pain. This is one of my overwhelming days. You all know the days, when the reality that Julie will not come home, that I will not hold her, that there will be no wedding, nothing.

Barb - I too think did she know, was she scared, did she cry out for us. Tooo much to think about.

A lot here about addiction- drugs, booze. I have the urge to take up smoking, but I know my husband would and that would be to bad for his health.

May we all find some kind of peace each day. Lynda

[ericasmom]

to All,

thanks so much for the kindness here in wishing us peace today, the 2 year mark of Erica's death. I spent the day just hanging in the garden, a long walk, and then met my sister at the cemetary. One of Erica's friends was already there and the three of us sat with ERi and just remembered, mostly talked abut funny things Eri did and said. We laughed and that was great. We talked about how abstract time has become. It is like a force that has no real arrangement once your heart is shattered. It makes no sense. I am lucky as I teach school and am off in the summer months, adn so I am able to take time to meander the grief ata this time.

Many of us have had anniversaries in the last few weeks or month. Bless each of you, time marches on even though a huge part of us is back at the ditch, or the highway, or the basement, or in our case, the railroad tracks. But I do not ask why, the answers to that will be foound one day, Eri knows the answers, someday I will.

I am so sad for JCsmom? I think it is you that is feeling so much anguish right now what with financial crap, ex crap and a 15 year old dealing with the fact that he lost his bro and that he is at what i consider the ugliest stage in teenage life. I shall pray for you and your boy to find ways that work for you both, work in such a way that you both feel a sense of family in each other. Try to hang on and tell yourself that tomorrow you get to start over. Theere is no way to avoid grief however, as you know, one must travelright through it in order for it to soften at all. I am glad to say that it can soften, i have felt it soften in this second year. Not all at once, but gradually and not at all for me until i was well into my second year.

If yuou are able, perhaps you can get to the Family Services Office nearest you. Generally they use a sliding scale adn for those unable to pay they usually make some arrangements...ask for a counselor that works well with teens and moms who have suffered a huge loss. Go together even thoug it will be extremely rough getting him to go. If it is impossible...well then go for you. YOu need to save you. You are here for a reason, it is just too hectic and crappy for you to feel there is a good reason. Please hang on, tellus where you live and perhaps we can locate a source of help nearest to you. Sometimes just giving it over to others to organize is a best step. ( will your 15 year old talk on line? This too may be an avenue to assist him in his pain and confusion and anger.)

My heart to you all as we travel on down this road, knowing there will be others coming and our job is to help them.

peace,

diane

[griffinsmom]

I live in Florida, and there is a victim advocate program in place that connects victims and therapists- and they pay it all. I have used the service, and it is good- depending on the therapist and your willingness to participate. Unfortunately for me, I have become unwilling to participate in therapy for now. But, it is not a bad idea.

Meanwhile, I only cried 2 or 3 times yesterday- a first. Griffins friends came for a visit last night- almost like a reward for not being hysterical all day.

Good luck to all-

visit Griffins site!....

https://griffin-schwartz.memory-of.com/about.aspx

[ericasmom]

Dear Griffinsmom,

i am glad for you to have had a visit from your sons friends yesterday. I am sure it was good for them and it sounds like it was a good thing for you. I understand the part about not being a willing participant in therapy right now, but perhaps later. Sometimes therapy feels a threatening thing to us becasue it brings up so many things that are not about this particular life changing event.

I wish you well, and hope that if you use the program again that it serves you well.

If I have used the wrong names in my previous post i apologize, getting parents and children's names mixed up a bit,

love,

dee

[starlight1]

I haven\'t been on the site for a while as lots has happened. Just as a reminder, I lost my 19 year old son in an auto accident last year. As are most parents, I was and am devistated by his passing. What has happened to me know may or may not be unique, but for me it is.

Before my son passed, I was diagnosed with quite aggressive breast cancer but went through surgery and chemo without any major issues and thought I\'d been through the worst of it....then my son died. The cancer experience was NOTHING, not even a close second, next to my losing him. Although I am now a serious believer of an after life and that my son is liviing a wonderful life there, I still cannot get past the horror of his passing before I did. I appear to be fine to most, even relatively so to my husband and daughter, but you all understand how I feel. My life really did end in so many ways the day he passed. Anyway, to make a long story short, I\'ve been diaganosed with a recurrence and my odds of living for another five years is not great. The strange thing is...when I found out my cancer had returned, I was hit with a great sense of relief! Don\'t misunderstand...I\'m not suicidal...I\'m doing everything I\'m supposed to do...just started chemo again, will have the surgery I need to have after chemo ends...doing everything I should do to try to get back into remission, however I\'m not horrified by the diagnosis as others with recurrent breast cancer are. I would never dare tell my husband or family this as they would be so hurt and upset. I\'m not totally selfish...I cry to think of not being there for my daughter who still needs me, meeting my grandchildren, possibly not seeing my daughter get married (she's 23), my parents going through the loss of a child, how well I know that horror, leaving my husband who loves me and whom I love so dearly. I mourn the thought of not being with them but I can\'t help but be relieved that I don\'t have to spend untold years without my son...with this huge hole in my heart. There is the joy of being reunited with him in the not-too-distant future. There is absolutely NO-ONE I can tell this too....you all are it and you may think I\'m crazy or selfish or both..but hopefully neither. I do feel very isolated though. What do you all, as bereaved parents, think of what I\'ve said? I\'m not asking for your blessing to give up and die, as I\'ve said I will do what needs to be done to go back to remission, but I would like to know what you think.

Thanks...

[griffinsmom]

Well Starlight-

I can't say, as I've never been ther- however, I hve entertained the thought of leaving, on occasion or two...But, like you, I have things to do, and I know Griffin would want me to do them. (raising his sister, shes 8 months old- he is now 18 yrs old) I would probably not be too horrified with a specified time, but it would be hard, given what I would be leaving, since I "know" Griffin will be there whenever I get there, as the rest would not necessarily be here. Its a tough call...you are doing right by giving it your best shot, though. Geez- Good Luck to You....

https://griffin-schwartz.memory-of.com/about.aspx

[daveydow1]

Starlight1,

I feel that I must respond to your post. I pray that I do not

say anything to offend you or anyone else. I can relate to your

feelings 100%. I have not been diagnosed with cancer or anything

else, for which I am grateful, and cannot put myself in your shoes.

But, I understand your feelings of longing, and being sort of in

two realms. One being here on earth, and the overpowering yearning

to see & hold your beloved child who has gone on before you. I

think all of us know that feeling, and that we "put on a front" so

that others do not know our true feelings. We feel they may over-

react and start a big commotion over it. I understand your feeling

that you cannot share these feelings with your family. I too believe

that our children are now in another realm that we are not able to

go into since we are still here. I believe that you are a brave &

sincere person to share your feelings with all of us here. Peace &

prayers.

[ericasmom]

Starlight,

I think it is very cool to share your innermost feelings with us, as people that know this devastation of losing a child. I am sure I understand the sense of relief in some ways to think that okay, the jigs up, i do not have to pretend on earth anymore, i get to be free of this pain, i get to see my boy, i get to feel peace...I get it. I really think most of us feel a sense of understanding and yet knowing that we too would do all there is to do medically to be well for the people here on earth that love and need us. We don't want to let anyone down, make them go through anymore grief, and yet we would like to stop worrying about every-friggin-thing, wouldn't we?

I do wish you health and healing, I think giving your body and heart another 5 years would be wonderful, allowing the family time to heal from the death of your boy, and get strong again, and to perhaps grow in number...may you travel through the treatments with little hurt, lot's of peace, and support from all of us.

dee

[shanesmom]

starlight, I think you and those of us, that have had a child die, now have a reason not to be scared, of dieing, perhaps the process , of how we go, but not leaving this world, if you believe in god and jesus, your going to see them, and love- ones, that is what I think, my husband has advanced prostate cancer.

[kirksdad]

Starlight, all I can say is wow. I truly understand your feelings about not being afraid to die, but still want to be around for a while for my daughter and wife, like you do for your family. What you are going through is really hard, but it really does sound like you such an inner peace. Yesterday on Oprah there was a mother that was in a similar position to you, I don't know if you saw it, but she had cancer, she hadn't lost a child, but her strength was amazing. She did all these things before she died, videos, birthday gifts, wedding gifts, letters, that she left to her child to open and see as she grew older without her mother. It was very touching. We all feel our own sense of loss and pain when we lose a child. I do believe Kirk will be there for me and everyone that loved him when it is my time to go.

[danielsmom]

Starlight, I know exactly what you mean about not being afraid to die,although I still want to be here with my husband and daughter,but when my time comes I know that I will be with Daniel and death does not scare me anymore. I think you are an amazingly strong person. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Wendy

[Artina]

Starlight,

I too agree with your view on life and death after the loss of a child. I too straddle two worlds... However, I know how important my presence is to my living son, for my son who has crossed over understands the purpose of life, more than we do. I pray for your health and for your family as you move through another difficult stage in your lives.

Peace to you, Tina

[starlight1]

Thank you all, so much, for your responses and support. I\'ve felt so many conflicting feelings with this situation and really couldn\'t tell anyone about them...but now I\'ve been able to and it's lifted a load from my heart. Your empathetic responses and kind thoughts have helped more then you probably know.

I was talking with my daughter yesterday and she said some of the most wonderful things to me...about our special relationship, how much she loves me, and it emphasized to me again of how blessed I still am. We live quite a distance from each other and I still haven\'t told her about my recurrence. She\'s just beginning her first teaching position and I want to give her a few months before dropping this bomb.

We bereaved parents truly do straddle two worlds but as many of you've said, our deceased children do see things from a different perspective from those of us on this side of life....and they'll always be there to welcome us...when the time is right. I'll do what I can to stay on this side for as long as I can, but when that time is complete, I'll be with my son again which will be a happy occasion too.

Shane\'s Mom, have you and your husband discussed this subject at all due to his advanced prostate cancer? I hope things are going as well as possible in regards to his illlness.

Thank you all again for your kindness and for understanding. As bereaved parents so often do for each other, you\'re taken the time to listen and understand.

[heartbrokendad]

Dear Starlight1

I think your a very strong, and brave, person....and thank you for shareing your feelings here. I think I speak for all of us when I say that.

The feeling of loss over our childrens deaths is a never ending pain that only ends when we meet them again and I, like you, have a hard time waitng.

Peace and love to you and all of us trying to get through this life..

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad...I miss you guys so much...

[ellswest]

Starlight1 and everyone-

I have been thinking about your situation and feelings regarding death and all the replies and realized something that our children's deaths seem to have given us all- none of us seem terribly afraid to die anymore. Death has lost some of the fear that I used to feel about it and is something to even look forward to now because we want to see our kids so much. I wouldn't call this a gift, but it is a kind of freedom.

My father passed away in March this year from a long and horrible neurological disease like a cross between Parkinson's and Alzheimer's. His suffering reached the point where I was praying for his death to end the misery. He was such a good man and it was a long and awful end to an honorable life. Seeing him suffer made me really question my faith in God, even more than Bobby's fatal accident almost 2 years ago. When my father died, I was sad...but mostly because I knew that Bobby was there to greet him and my dad got to see him! Every time someone I know dies, I think, "now they get to see Bobby" and I feel a little jealous.

Peace to all of us who travel this painful road....Mary

[jahrynsmom]

I am so angry. Another life lost on Alberta's jobsites. This time a 14 year old boy. Crushed by heavy equipment. When is our government going to step up to the plate and enforce the laws that are out there?? Now these parents have to live our lives and for what? A summer job?? They are in for a huge heartache once they realize that they have no recourse. They get to sit by and let others step in. I can't believe its happening again and so often. Is there anything that we can do to get things changed in Alberta? I'm up for the fight, just don't know where to start. Anyone out there who can help?

[brin3d]

I felt that I too needed to respond however I don't think I have ever felt that I wanted to die. I love my child more than life itself and if I could have taken her place or given part of me to save her, I would not have hesitated. But to want to die was not even a consideration. I love life no matter the difficulties, pain, tears, heartbreak that comes with living life. I feel in my heart that someday when it is my time, I will be with my child. I have to also say that I hope not to offend anyone of you and not everyone thinks the same as I do so believe me when I say this is my thoughts only.....

To die to be with my lost child would be a very selfish act on my part. I have other children and a granddaughter that also love me and I love them. To take from them to alleviate my pain would not be brave or selfless. How could I ever consider causing them to feel twice the pain and anguish? They have already lost an intregal part of their life when they lost their sister/mother.

Life is too precious to not live each moment that you have been given. Never take for granted the little time we have.

Again I hope I have not offended anyone but I had to express my feelings as well.

Tks for listening

Barb

[julsmom]

I am so angry. Another life lost on Alberta's jobsites. This time a 14 year old boy. Crushed by heavy equipment. When is our government going to step up to the plate and enforce the laws that are out there?? Now these parents have to live our lives and for what? A summer job?? They are in for a huge heartache once they realize that they have no recourse. They get to sit by and let others step in. I can't believe its happening again and so often. Is there anything that we can do to get things changed in Alberta? I'm up for the fight, just don't know where to start. Anyone out there who can help?

I don't know how it works in Canada - sometimes in the US you can start a grass roots movement by getting state and federal representatives to get involved to get laws changed

Barb - you said what I've been thinking very nicely. To let go of life now would be selfish, I have a great husband and a wonderful son, it would be unfair to them to not go on or to fight to go if that is what it would take.

Peace to all Lynda

[kirksdad]

Sometimes change needs to take place and it just isn't easy. People can only learn from the heartache of others. Canada seems to need a wake-up call when it comes to holding companies accountable for accidents in the workplace. Someone has to take the lead on it and taking that risk is hard. It is a decision that can only be made in one's heart.

[jscmom]

Dear Starlite1,

I think most of us here feel like this. I myself used to what to live to be so old I would be telling great great grandchildren stories of our lives. Now I just wonder how long will it be before I am with my son again.

I have a great husband daughter niece and 2 granddaughters and friends who would hate it if I left this world, but it doesn't sound so bad to me.

I do discuss this with my husband and counsler.

I see the hurt in my husbands eyes but I do want it clear that I want no heroic measures ever.

Loving and missing the hell out of child is not a crime it is a nightmare to live in this world without them.

Good night all,

Johnny's mom forever 22

I miss you son...til we meet again.

[kathy714]

Hi everyone,i have finally gone back to work ,so i haven't had a chance to post,although i do still come on everynight at work and read the messages.I to think alot about death ,lord knows i have loss over half my family and have more people on the other side than here ,and i miss my son so much ,he's all i ever think about.I would never take my own life because that was the way i was raised,that old catholic up bringing,but i must admit i am not afraid to die and i almost live life now like someone with a death wish.My husband has cancer for the second time,and i always fear that he will lose the will to live and just give up the fight.I pray everyday for god not to take him,because i don't think i could go on without him.Ihave one other son and a granddaughter that keeps me going,and i also am like a mom to my sister in law's two oldest daughters,she passed away in 2001,two weeks before my mother[i thought that was a bad year]so that also helps.People at work asked me ,How do i do it?.I don't know,i cry alot,then pick up the pieces and go on.... T/C ALL,Nathan's mom

[starlight1]

I think every one of us going through our own personal tragedies are strong, couragous people...even if we didn\'t choose to be. I\'m so glad that we all feel we can express our feelings without fear of judgement.

I feel a great responsiblity to do the best I can while on this side of life...to still be a good mom to my surviving daughter, a good wife, and a good daughter to my parents. I also now feel, especially since my son\'s passing, that I must do something to make a difference with the time I have remaining...be it five years or twenty five. I feel more of a responsibility to be a better person...I guess I have become more spiritual since he passed.

I think it\'s a positive thing to no longer be afraid of death and I feel that\'s one of the many gifts my son has given me. As I mentioned previously, I will do everything within reason to extend my life here...I\'m not throwing in the towel and refusing to fight this disease, but there is the fact that when the time comes when my life here is over, I have the knowledge that I\'ll be with my son again....how can that thought not bring me peace and happiness? I do worry about my daughter and her losing a mother so early in her adulthood and I will grieve for her when the time comes...I love her as much as I love my son. However, there will still be some lightness in my heart knowing that I will again be with my boy in a better place. Of course, if I could have it all....have both my kids with me on this side of life....that would be perfect. But it\'s not to be.

Thanks for all your kind responses.

-Sandy

[polarbear]

I felt that I too needed to respond however I don't think I have ever felt that I wanted to die. I love my child more than life itself and if I could have taken her place or given part of me to save her, I would not have hesitated. But to want to die was not even a consideration. I love life no matter the difficulties, pain, tears, heartbreak that comes with living life. I feel in my heart that someday when it is my time, I will be with my child. I have to also say that I hope not to offend anyone of you and not everyone thinks the same as I do so believe me when I say this is my thoughts only.....

To die to be with my lost child would be a very selfish act on my part. I have other children and a granddaughter that also love me and I love them. To take from them to alleviate my pain would not be brave or selfless. How could I ever consider causing them to feel twice the pain and anguish? They have already lost an intregal part of their life when they lost their sister/mother.

Life is too precious to not live each moment that you have been given. Never take for granted the little time we have.

Again I hope I have not offended anyone but I had to express my feelings as well.

Tks for listening

Barb

Hello Barb.... Thank you so much for your response. It made me feel as if I am not alone in how I feel about going on. When my son was injured I waited at his bedside for five days until there was no hope. Then he donated his organs to five people, all of whom lived because of his passing. My reaction when the accident happened was that I did not want to be in a world without him. I still don't want to be. But that isn't the point is it. The point is that I am here, and out of respect to him, to his passionate love of life, I must go on. I must be the best I can be, even without him. He was my only child, and the love of my life. I talk to him every day. It has been almost four months since his death and the future feels both over and interminable at the same time. Bless you, and peace to your heart for moments in each day.

[polarbear]

Starlight, I know exactly what you mean about not being afraid to die,although I still want to be here with my husband and daughter,but when my time comes I know that I will be with Daniel and death does not scare me anymore. I think you are an amazingly strong person. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Wendy

I has found that death is no longer frightening to me because the person I most love in all the world lives there. I think that the loss of an adult child must be different for bereaved parents because we are, naturally, all at a different stage of our own lives when tragedy strikes.

I have been reading a great deal about how parents deal with this within a marriage and I find a gap in understanding when it involves a parent and step parent. My husband is a wonderful man whom I deeply love, and we have a strong marriage, but my son was not his natural child and his grief is different from mine. Is there anyone out there with a similar experience? How did you deal with it? Many thanks!

[jscmom]

To Polarbear,

Hi Johnny was not my son's bio dad however his is the only dad John really knew.

My husband did not share his greif with me because he was trying to remain strong for me. 3 months went by and he finally broke down. Now we speak about "our" son often. We laugh we cry we miss him so. I must admit I felt at first he was unfeeling did not understand how he just could go on as if nothing happened but through counseling the truth was told.

So as we live in the house where Johnny grew up we try to embrace the memories. My John gave me away to my husband at our wedding which was here at home. He was my little man, he was taught to become a good man a caring and loving man.

He had his battles but his heart was larger than the battles...he always came back.

So Polarbear, I hope this helps you in some small way. I am sure in time your husband will be able to tell you how he feels and what you need to hear. Remember they are taught not to cry...men don't cry.

Good night

Johnny's mom forever 22

[jscmom]

correction My husband was not John's bio dad...sorry

[griffinsmom]

My husband only knew Griffin for about three years. They did not have the best of relationships- they just existed in the same house- that was Griffins choice. I believe now that Griffin feels differently and is glad I am married. We had a baby 8 months ago, and my husband is fine with me raising our daughter to know Griffin. She kisses his picture every day- it's like she really does know him- amazing. His grief is there, just not as deep and unrelenting as mine. He does let me move in my own way, though.

[brin3d]

You are very welcome Polar Bear.

I too sat at my daughter's bedside for three very long days and nights hoping against hope that the outcome would be different. I also chose to donate her organs and because of her, other families got the gift of life that I could not bring to my family. I think in my heart that it would have made her happy to be able to help others not have to go through what her family was experiencing. She loved life in it's totality. I remember having a discussion with her about two weeks before her accident about not speeding or tailgating. I made the comment about how so many of my family members had died in accidents and I was always on edge when she was out driving around. Mind you she was a great driver but she had a lead foot. Her comment was "I will be careful. I don't want to die mom." Unfortunately she was speeding on the day of her accident. She was running late as usual and was hurrying. She had my cell phone and I wish that she had just slowed down and taken the time to call and let me know she was running late. All the "too late" wishes.

I too talk to my daughter whenever I want to and I also have a journal on my computer that I write important things and dates in to her. I tell her about all the things in my heart and all the "firsts" that her daughter is accomplishing from walking, talking, funny little anedotals. I wrote to her about her brother's graduation. When I am feeling angry or lonely about the situation as it is without her, I tell her that too in my journal. I tell her about the holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas because they were her favorite. I have her ashes at home with me and during the holidays I make sure she is in the middle of it all just like she was in life. Biazarre? Maybe but it helps my heart to do all these things.

Do I want to live? You bet. I have so much to share about her precious few years with family, her daughter who just turned 3, with people that didn't even know her. To me, she was the perfert daughter. Faults and all. I could not have asked for any better. She taught me what unconditional love really was all about and to never give up on the ones that you love.

It has been two years since those horrible days but I cry a little less frequently. My heart will always be broken but today that is alright because I know that someday I will see her again and she will fix the broken part. Am I afraid to die. You bet. I love life as I said before. I have a lot left to do and I want to have the time to complete all I have left to do in my life.

I truly hope that everyone here finds some type of peace in living life.

Barb

[starlight1]

Polar Bear,

My husband is my son\'s stepdad as well and we married after my son had already gone into the Navy so they never lived under the same roof and didn\'t get the chance to get as close as I believe they would have become. It can be very difficult when your spouse/partner isn\'t the parent who raised them because I don\'t think they can truly understand the depth of a parents\' grief. As it was for me before I lost my son, my husband can empathize with how horrible it would be to lose one or both of his daaughters and he gets a much closer view then most by living with me and seeing how this has ripped me apart....but at the same time, he grieves for what he has lost...I\'m not the same person he married and it used to really upset him when I\'d tell him that I\'d never be the same. However, that is the truth. I have had to learn to keep the mask on as much as I can as I don\'t think my marriage would survive if I didn\'t. It\'s not that I don\'t ever express my grief because I do but I try to keep it from him as much as I can. When I get time to myself, I\'m more likely to let it out and have a mini-breakdown and that helps me to get it together again. I can talk to him about how much I miss David, how sad I am, etc but I have to compartmentalize as much as I can so we can still have a semi-normal relationship. He still wants to be with the woman he married. I don't blame him and would probably feel the same if I were in his shoes.

[julsmom]

today is a WHY day. Have to get through it. Company picnic too. Julie loved summer and the beach. He@# she loved life!! Didn't go to holiday party last December because I couldn't. I know to do things for me and what I need to do but some days I have to pull myself out of bed and do those things I do not ant to do or cannot do. Peace to all. Lynda

[Artina]

Julsmom,

It is very hard to pick up and do those things that we used to do- especially when it comes to finding the energy to go to a picnic that has nothing to do with family. I understand... and I still think it is okay for you to pass on anything that causes you to feel more anxiety than is necessary. We deserve to give it our all, when we "have" to... but not when we don't "have" to. Take it easy on yourself today and go ahead and ask all the "why's" that you want- you obviously need to.

Peace to you, Tina

[julsmom]

Tina, thanks for the kind words. I'm just overtired (not sleeping all night) and worked 5 days this week (instead of my usual 3) and being affected by the heat and humidity that is effecting everyone. I'll be ok (well as ok as any of us gets) the picnic will be fine and I'll smile and make nice-nice with everyone. Sitting home staring at 4 walls is not good either. We all struggle to get through and some days we struggle more than others. Peace to all. Lynda (stay cool folks, watch out for this heat/humidity).