Loss of an Adult Child

[annmay142005]

Hello,

I am new here. I am very glad that I came across this site.

I lost my adult son May 14, 2005. He was buried May 17, 2005. I notice that a few of you list the same dates in your entry. I, as I am sure you, have these dates burned forever in your memory.

There really is nothing that helps me except the realization that the soul is eternal and nothing can change that. I even accept that my son is aware of my thoughts and even my acts, so mostly I talk to him (mentally) and remind him to stay near the Godsource...the light and I send my love. Do any of your feel approach your child's death this way?

[Artina]

Annmay142005,

I am sorry for your loss. I do approach my son's death the exact same way. I remember praying over him and telling him in my mind to go the light- to not be afraid- and to go to the light. I speak to him everyday in my mind- where I know he is just a breath away. I know that I will see him again and understand more than what I do right now. But I still miss him and hurt.

I believe that we are energy in a physical body and when our physical body dies our energy continues. Energy never dies. These our my thoughts and they are not meant to offend anyone. We all have our own way of understanding loss and this is mine. May peace be with all of you.

In my thougths- Tina

[tinasdad]

Annmay142005, I saw your post elsewhere, and I'm sorry for the loss of your child. I don't say this much, because it's pretty bizarre, but it really happened like this. When Stacey died, my medical records showed I was in the ER for a panic attack that lasted until, as the police records verified, her death. Afterward, I was deeply depressed until the police found her. . . I'm sorry, crying. Stacey was adopted, and her mother never told me of her at all, so to feel this at her death was a revelation to me. I know her soul is in Heaven, no longer in danger. My belief gives me hope in many ways, even though I miss her and feel the deepest of sorrow. Mark

Stacey, Dad loves you.

[heartbrokendad]

Dear friends.

Its been a while since I last poated a note here, and i'm sorry that there are so many new members of this terrible club we belong to.

Its been a tough month for me, my daughters birthday was the 3rd, and my sons angel date was the 16th.

I went to see John Edwards last week, he is very good as an entertainer, bvut no contact with my children, nor and for the woman who came with me who had lost her son. I sometimes wonder if these "mediums" as they want to be called, know that the majority of people who come to these things are looking for their parents, and they cater to them???

I also believe that we are souls,energy,or some kind of electro/physical matter that does go on and on and on, and that we do know what our life is going to be like when we are in our "heaven". We plan what we will do, who we will interact with, who our friends and relatives will be, its so that we can advance in our spiritual education, become better persons, or spirits, and that we all will meet again in our other lives. Its very possible that the reason I cant communicate with my kids right now, is because they have already come back as another person, or persons. That is both excititng, and kinda sad. Its like they have moved on, and I'm still here...

Well, I hope I have not offended anyone, but thats what I feel, I'm not "recruting" lol

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[griffinsmom]

FYI-Today is Griffins 7 months, Gianna is 9 months old today, too. Just recognizing the day- missing him more than words can say. What a nightmare. I can't wait until I get to the point of total peace and acceptance, right?

Griffins site: https://griffin-schwartz.memory-of.com/about.aspx

Carrie and Matthews Dad- I went to a JE thing...I was the second in of maybe 10 that were contacted. I prepped Griffin early...the meeting was on Griffin Road in Ft.Lauderdale. I would not like to think my son has moved on, as he is supposed to meet me at the end of this hell on earth without him. That thought keeps me going, and the obligation to my 9 month old daughter. Other than them- I'd be checking out. Hey- have a great day!

[heartbrokendad]

Dear Griffinsmom,

That is whats so disturbing to me also, I want them there when I get there, and soon I hope...

Take care

Stu

carrie and Matthews dad

[rhonda68]

Kathy I can so relate to what you are saying. I was always there for my son. He too had given me some trouble but I was able to be there for him and help him out of it. Why when he was being so responsible did this happen to him now? I am so angry at the world myself I could not save my precious boy this time and I am mad for not being there to catch him when he flew out of that car its driving me nuts. I use to have alot of patience but I am just so annoyed I am really struggling to live in this stupid world.

Just want too say sorry for everyones losses its terrible. Thinking of all of you.

Richards Mom

[annmay142005]

Dear All,

Thank you for your kind words of sharing. My son\'s birthday is coming up in 7 days. I will make it through of course, but it appears that it will be more difficult than the ongoing pain, if this is possible. I think of him most all of my waking hours and in dream time too.

Thanks

[missingchris]

It will be one year tomorrow since I last saw my child. It is incomprehensible that 365 days have passed. We will go to the cemetery tomorrow and light a candle, and mourn the loss of our Christopher. At the end of the week, we'll print off all the messages at his site for Dakota and put them in a book for him. He goes there every day and it seems to comfort him. To all the parents here, we offer our sorrow for your losses.

http://christopher-kimbrew.memory-of.com/about.aspx

[tinasdad]

Rhonda68, responsibility lies in so many places, but you could have done nothing to prevent this tragedy. As parents, we need to protect our children, but when they die, we feel like we failed them. Nothing can reverse or prevent their death, but we react this way out of grief. I pray your heart can find peace through this sorrow.

Annmay142005, birthdays are especially emotional. If you can, treat yourself to something special. It may ease your pain, but may also help you use the day in tribute to him. Mark

[julsmom]

Annmay - may you find peace as you move along this journey.

Another topic if I might? At the end of this month, my husband and I will be meeting new people who are unaware of our loss. Already I am dreading it. My head knows how to answer the question "how many children?" but my heart aches and my eyes leak. How have others dealth with it? I'm sure we will say we have 2, one living in another state and one who died in 2003, but I know it makes others uncomfortable. I know all the pat answers, to be good to myself, others just have deal with me the way I am, etc., but part of who we are as a couple and in my husband's profession is to make others comfortable so my concern comes out of that. Thank you friends. I don't post often but always check once or twice a day to keep.

Stu - your postings are wonderful. You have come such a long way on this journey. May you continue to find peace and purpose in this life.

Lynda

[kirksdad]

Talking to others about our kids can be so hard depending on the circumstances. I can imagine that in a job where the person needs to make a client feel comfortable that mentioning our kids could stifle a conversation. I guess the best route to take is to see what kind of people these are. They might just be understanding, good, and kind. They might have had an experience that could make them understand in a small way. Mentioning our children is still not a bad thing. Saying that we have one, two or how ever many children with one of them being an angel affirms our love, not wanting to make others uncomfortable, but sometimes people don't see it that way. People just don't get it until they have been placed in our shoes. I guess I would see just how good these people are, sometimes it is easy to tell, quickly. Then you can make the choice as to what you want to do. Sometimes I say I have 2 children, but when pressed, just change the conversation. That isn't a bad thing because sometimes people don't talk about thier kids and people respect that. Sometimes people just can't stop talking and people don't respect that. It is a hard decision, you will find the right way to do it when you meet these peeople.

[daveydow1]

Tinasdad,

I read your post and what you said about Stacey

being in heaven and that she was safe. That is how I have

felt about my son, Davey. He was born in 1971, just a yr.

after our 6 mo. old baby girl, Lisa, died. We worried about

him literally all his life. His death was beyond anyone's

ability to help him or protect him. Sadly, we will never

have to worry about him again. He, and Stacey and all the

other wonderful children of the parents on this journey

are safe, and near us. Peace to all who come to this site.

[robertsmom]

I'm new to this post and would like to let all know how sorry I am for your loss. I can relate to many of you here. I lost my son Robert on March 28, 2003. Robert was 29, my first born of four children. His little brother age 21 at the time was driving when he lost control of the Suv and it rolled numberous times. Robert was wearing his seatbelt and was killed instantly. Shawn and Roberts girlfried were both thrown from the vehicle as they were not wearing seatbelts, but both survived, thank god. I get so confused over the feelings I have. I get so angry, seems I'm mad at the world. I'm short with people, can't understand why we have to go through this. It took over a year for the numbing feeling to go away. But now it's back again. Like it just happened all over again. My heart aches, I miss Robert so much. Anyone have this happen to them? Robertsmom

[heartbrokendad]

Dear Missingchris,

My thoughts are with you, and your family, on this very sad day...While I know there are no words to ease the pain you, and all of us feel, just know that we are here for you.

Peace to you Bec, and your family..

Stu

Carrie and Matthes dad

[tinasdad]

Daveydow1, the depth of your sorrow in losing two children is beyond me. I'm unable to give a proper response. I'm so sorry you face this.

Robertsmom, I'm sorry for your tragic loss. While explanations escape me, I am no stranger to the feelings you mentioned. My daughter, Stacey, died after being raped. The intensity of my anger at times is something I can't even describe, more like rage. All the while I feel it, my heart is empty, like a lost puppy. Sometimes, I can sometimes bring myself a little comfort, even by knowing she can never be hurt again. May your heart have peace. Mark

Stacey, Dad loves you.

[julsmom]

Jim, thank you for your kind words. Your postings have been a source of counsel and hope for me. I know that meeting new people will go well, but as with everything else, it's the dread leading up to the event that is sometimes worse than the event.

Roberstsmom-Angry and being short with folks is sooooo normal. My 27 y/o daughter died a one car MVA on 10/13/03. The second year is very hard as the numbness has worn off and the reality has begun to sink it. I wish you peace as you travel this road.

Lynda

[kirksdad]

Lynda, no matter what you decide to do, it will be the right thing. You are so right about the anxiety that leads up to events in our lives now. The lead up is more stressful than the actual event. Anticipation is a bummer when it comes to the way we feel now.

[Artina]

Robertsmom,

I am sorry for your loss. As lynda said, anger is such a big part of our loss. However, it does us no good. Sometimes I have used being angry to keep from feeling my hurt, which only masked my pain and pushed the people I love the most away. Once I identified what I was doing I knew that I needed to find a coping skill to move anger out of me and into something positive and productive. Don't get me wrong.... I still get angry at the unjust of my loss, but I don't let it consume me- I go for a walk, journal, cry, scream, talk to a friend, or I just sit and be still. I know it's not easy, but it's better than feeling angry and tired at the world or the next person who walks through the door (lol).

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Lynda,

I know we've had this conversation before, but it is hard moving out of our comfort zone. I will be thinking about you. I feel like I could melt into the walls and that I would be just fine. But I do have a living son that keeps me going. Sometimes, I feel like I am just waiting for the end of time. I try to grab pieces of life, but for the most part- I can only imagine what that day will be like, when I finally get to see through the veil of life and hold my SON again.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Missingchris,

It's too much to wrap our minds around- isn't it. The idea of being parted from our child for more than a day is just too much!!! I am sorry that you hurt... I understand. I pray that you move through today with the comfort of our love and energy wrapped around you.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

I was lucky enough to get a reading by John Edward and it was amazing. I can only hope that it comforts all of you to know that it was as real as the day is long. Amazing!!! He was only able to read about 12 families out of 5000 people, but we were one of them. I still can't believe it. I am still amazed at the whole process and believe that my reading was "our reading". Now I know, without a doubt, that the people he reads aren't planted actors- because I am a real person. I never really thought that, but I do know that some people wonder. Well wonder no more.

Peace to you, Tina

[kirksdad]

Screaming is a real good outlet. I sometimes go out to a place where Kirk and I used to find shark teeth. It was a wonderful activity that we did together. I just stand in the middle of it, which is in the middle of nowhere, and scream his name until I am horse. It really lets a lot of emotions out.

[daveydow1]

Artina,

Your post to Lynda today echoes my thoughts & feelings

perfectly. The thought that strengthens me is that we

will have to suffer only ONE separation from our

child(ren).

Once we are rejoined with them it will be forevermore. Peace

to everyone on this sad journey.

[daveydow1]

Robertsmom,

I am sorry for your loss of your son. We are at nearly the

same timeline. My son, David, age 31 was killed June 14,2003,

also in a traffic accident. Questions always plague us as to

the accident. I think this is true for most all parents who

lose a child in a highway accident. There are gaps in the

info that we are unable to get answers to. In my case, I just

gave up trying. The second year has been especially hard on us.

I pray that you find some comfort on this sad path we're on.

Peace be with you.

[julsmom]

Friends, thank you for the kind words and encouragement. I am sure I will get through this "first".

Seems like a lot of us are in the second year of this journey. I keep wondering when it will get easier or when I can find joy and look forward to the future. May we all find peace. Lynda

[tinasdad]

julsmom, as you walk this path of grief that seems to be so dedicated to your child, take a few minutes for yourself. Do those little things that make you feel special, like a manicure, hairstyle, or makeover. These things can lift your spirits, which in this time of sorrow is a good thing.

I hope this gets less painful with time. In searching for my daughter, I found the proof of her birth and adoption last month, then on July 13th, I learned Stacey was killed on May 22, 1996. I'm now getting upset at the dumbest things. I accidentally punched the wrong button while crying and stated her age wrong once, and I've been angry at myself for days over it, for tapping the wrong button. Please tell me, is this what I can expect? I'm normally easy going, and don't get upset, but I can't see a crime show on television. It makes me so angry, and then I hide somewhere and cry for hours. Mark

Stacey, Dad loves you 10/16/74 - 5/22/96

[jscmom]

Hello all, well tonigh ia another night I can't sleep just cry. I have to time this so everyone else is not affected. I see new names God this is so unreal. I miss my son so much...

Yesterday I wen to his grave site brought my lap top and played his dvd made for his celebration of life 10/10/04. As I watched the story of him all I could do is thank God I did have a very short 22 years with him. A first for me to be thankful to God since John's angel date.

The numbness has worn off the terrible reality has settled in and anger is slowly going away but loning to be with him is over bearing.

I feel I need to do something for him and I on't know what it is. I don't want his death to be in vain.

Stu: you are doing a wonderful thing.

Mark: I have no words to say because it all has been said.

I have been thinking of going to a medium also, just not sure.

As many of you mentioned you speak to your childern in your mind I do this to and sometimes out loud, my question to any and all of you "Do you hear their response"? I am only asking because I do I don't know if it is because I know what John would say or I am just going nuts.

Well it's late and I can't see the keys through my tears.

May we all find peace.

Johnnys mom forever 22

[kathy714]

Well July 31st was 6 months since Nathan passed,and it still feels like yesterday.I have visited a few memorial pages and they are so nice,i'm thinking of starting one for Nathan, someone mentioned not wanting their son to be forgotten, and i think that is what i'm afraid of,i watch people enjoying life,as they should be, but something inside wants to yell and scream "What are you people doing,don't you know my son is gone".I don't want him to be forgotten .I just having a really hard time,i just can't deal with the fact i'll never see Nathan again in this lifetime.

[brin3d]

Today I would like to take a moment in time to say a special thank you to each and every one of you on this web site. Without you, I would not be in the place I am at today. I can get through a day without tears, I can not feel uncontrollable anger at the situation that I find myself in, and you have been there when I needed to talk about all the things deep in my heart that no one else understood. You are all unique and special people with great compassion for others. Again thank you all for being an intregal part of who I am today.

Barb

Darcia's mother.

April 22, 1980 - July 8, 2003

[Artina]

Brin3d,

I couldn't agree with you more. Beyond Indigo parents are very compassionate and caring- we understand a universal language that only a parent who has lost a child could understand. Thank God we have this forum.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Kathy714,

I remember doing that exact same thing. I still do it, just not as often. After a while your mind will be able to take in more action and you will see less of what hurts.

I have a hard time with people who push their children away and could care less if they ever speak to them again. It's like a slap in the face. If you can believe it, my parent's haven't spoke to my brother for over a year. Sad stuff. I just don't get it. Talk about having to work through extra "stuff" as I grieve the loss of my son. What are they thinking.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

JscMom,

When I speak to my son in my mind I do hear suttle answers- not sound though. I knew my son well enough that I could almost finish his sentences. The responses I get are in my Spirit- I feel them. I also here them in my mind. I can't really explain it, but I'm sure your son is responding to you. Be still and accept what you know to be true. Ask a question that you know the answer to, then listen to what you "hear"- you will feel the answer in your mind, body, and Soul. This is what works for me.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Tinasdad,

You can expect that you are not the same person anymore. You have had the ultimate hurt. We react to things that didn't matter as much to us at one time-like the spelling of our children names. Our reaction is much more than the wrong entry on a computer- it represents the unjust of life and the control we have over the "little" things. Be easy on yourself... it does get better.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Daveydow1,

It is all we have and I hang onto that thought like it is my life-jacket.

Peace to you, Tina

[chumba]

Dear Nikolaismom: My only son was diagnosed with conjestive heart failure at the age of 28 and given 5 years to live. He went into end stage heart failure within five years, put on the transplant list as NO. 1 and a heart came in within three days. The transplant experience was the most exhilerating and wonderous time of our lives. My son was my energy bar, my conscience, my creation. After being transplanted, he started endurance cycling and was riding 100 mile rides as a team-in-training cyclist raising money for cancer research. My heart and intuition told me this was wrong. His transplant doctor gave him "thumbs up." Great physical activity for his heart.

I watched his health decline over the next six months and he suddenly died in his sleep not knowing what hit him. I know I have to deal with his doctor now in order to move on.

My tolerance level is zero. I have two sisters who are shunning me because of my anger. My husband works 24-7. Our bookkeeper was crying the other day because her son is getting married and his wife to be is pregnant. I asked her, "Why are you crying?" She said, "my son is such a loser." I looked at her and said, at least he's alive and you're going to be a grandparent.

I'm never going to see grandchildren and my son is dead.

I don't understand how he just disappeared. I did't even get to say goodbye.

My greatest guilt lies in never allowing him to talk about death. For some reason, I wouldn't allow him to bring it up to me in conversation. I remember him telling me one week before he died, "Mom, don't worry you're my beneficiary on the group life insurance policy. When I die you'll never have to work." I was so angered I yelled at him, and told him I don't ever want to hear him talk about dying before me.

My son was so tired of seeing me depressed as I never really recovered from his long illness and what I saw his body go through with the transplant. One month before he died he insisted on going with me to my therapist wherein he looked at me and said, "Mom, move on. Look at me and what I've achieved after transplant, college degree, great job and cycling for charity." Get a life and be happy. At that moment, I started working on ME, gave him his space and before he died I remember telling him that I was actually happy for a change. Thank God. The sad thing is that I stopped being proactive with his medical treatment and quit putting him first. What a mistake. He was dying and his doctor should have known. The last time I say my son I was shocked and terrified and immediately called his doctor. He died the next day.

Now I'm faced with the miracle that went awry. I can't stand going out in public and am gripped with fear. My son left a Legacy of hope with everyone he touched. You can read about how many lives he has touched at Legacy.Com and his name is Christopher Walden Burkes who died on October 3, 2004. He was manna for so many people and gave me so much love.

And, guess what he left me a sea of friends he nurtured through the years who call and check up on me. Thank God for his friends. My family have virtually abandoned me--five sisters and two brothers are mad at me because they don't understand why I'm so angry.

I'll have to pray for them so I don't end up cutting them out of my life as the loss will be theirs. Patsy

[kirksdad]

Patsy, sometimes family can just be strange when it comes to our emotional outlook after the death of our children. Your son sounds so wonderful, a real hero in many people's eyes. You shouldn't have any regrets about his medical condition. He was able to do what he wanted and for any human that is such a rewarding thing.

Like it is for all of us our grief just takes over and nothing else matters. Our children are our lives and when they go so do the lives we lead, nothing is ever the same again. I am glad you haven't given up on your family yet, try to be patient, people that don't ever go through this just will never understand.

[brin3d]

What I am thankful for today.

The Meaning of Thankfulness

When many go to bed tonight hungry,

I am thankful for the food I’ve cooked

and shared with others.

When many are homeless

and sweltering in the heat,

I am thankful I have shelter.

When others shed tears of sorrow,

as I do, for lost loved ones,

I also shed tears of joy

at still having loved ones close.

When many draw their last breath,

I am thankful for life itself.

Take time to stop and view a child at play,

smell a beautiful, poignant flower,

listen to the ocean waves crash,

enjoy a sunset,

taste a new, enticing food,

and share your happiness

and a smile with others.

I have much to be thankful for.

As we move through life,

we take a part of all those whose life

has touched ours.

A special thank you to Darcia,

my lost butterfly

for being an integral part of who I am.

Darcia - ILYTAPOHSS 4infinity3d and a few.

Barb (Mom)

[robertsmom]

Daveydow1

I too am sorry for the loss of you son. I'm always asking myself "what if" Just one different move that morning, if that split second could just be erased everything could be different.

After reading these posts I am greatful to know my son did not suffer. Robert was sleeping in the passenger seat. I do know though he'd be so mad to find out he died. I realize that may sound odd, but it's the truth. He was no where done with life. In fact he was just getting started. He worked full time and still went to school - became a surgical tech - and was talking about going back to be a surgeon. He was such a good dad too. Was planning on moving back to California to be with his son, seven at the time. Now my grandson has to grow up without his daddy. It just breaks my heart.

Robert had been living with a girl for nearly three years so when all this happened she claimed common law wife and has held up the bodily injury insurance for nearly 2 and a half years. Also all my sons belongings. My grandson has called wanting one of his daddy guitars, I can't do anything about any of this as it's all tied up with lawyers. And the girlfriend won't budge. It amazes me how much people can change when there is money involved.

I am sorry to keep going on - I know most all probably understand my confussion. It's hard to talk to anyone - people who have'nt lost a child have no idea of the impact this is. I find myself at work and Robert's name will come up in conversation (from me) it seems to make people unconfortable me still talking about him. But he is and will always be with me - I still can't truly believe all this. Most every morning I get up and still cry realizing but not wanting to believe this has happened.

One thing I am so greatful for is my boys were on vacation returning to Kansas from California when the accident happened. They took alot of pictures. I know Robert's last days were happy visiting all his friends back home. He had stopped by one of my friends homes the evening before. So we do have many pictures of him even with his son his last week of live.

I shall close for now, thank all of you for your kind and helpful words. We are a different breed of people with I believe special emotional needs. With this web site hopefully we can all help each other.

Peace and hope be with you all

Robertsmom

[gregoryx]

My beloved daughter Sara, 28, died August 26, 2004. My tears still fill my eyes every moment I\\\'m not engaged by the world, as you would expect. She was striving to become herself - singing, composing poetry, engaging friends, creating her home, defining values in her life, coming to accept her limitations and dealing with her grief for that which she believed she would not experience. And we, her survivors, a mother, father and brother, and a motley collection of aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.; we do not have any clear answer as to what caused her death...

Autopsy reports a combination of things, a toxic level of Wellbutrin together with an enlarged heart. But it doesn\\\'t seem to be credible, she had been taking the Wellbutrin for 6 months, and had no apparent problems with it. She had been experiencing chest pain in the last two weeks of her life, but multiple doctors performed EKGs and thought that her heart was doing fine, and just gave her various medications for what they believed was muscle pain.

The Tuesday evening, two days before she was found, I visited her. She was lighting a display of candles in her new bow window, as she often did, and we philosophized on life. She said to me that she \\\"had had it\\\", ignorantly, I went on to talk about the tough things people had survived and triumphed over in their lives. Did she arrange her exit?

[daveydow1]

Hello to all.

Sometimes I feel so at a loss for words to respond to the

many sad posts. All I can say today, is that I too value

this site so very much, and I pray for peace for each and

every one who comes here. May all of us find some comfort

somehow, even in a small way, to help us get through one

day at a time. No one else understands us as we understand

each other. Peace to all.

[jscmom]

Good evening, Artina: thank you for your explantion. I also knew my son like a book. I knew what he was going to say before saying it. We used to joke about and when get got in trouble he hated that I knew it and was just waiting for him to fess up.

These thoughts just come to me. I will be doing something and next thing you know I am having a conversation in my mind with him. When I told my husband his reply was do you hear his voice? So i know he thinks I am going crazy so I no longer say anything to anyone but all of my friends here.

Everynight I enter this sight for a healing and for understanding thank you all.

As far as family many of my so called family left me the day John was buried. They needed to place his death on some one and that was me.

They are angry that his girlfriend still has most of his belongings and I have not and won't ask for them. You know they have picked me apart as much as they could but you know what they can't hurt me more than I hurt now.

John's things won't bring him back. Memories are in our minds heart and soul.

I am sorry for all of us, and to all of you that are new here I just want you to know my heart aches for all of you. This site has helped me a lot I hope it does it the same to you.

missing Johnny forever 22

[jscmom]

Gergoryx: I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. I don't think any of us knows why. I hope you continue to write it does help. May you and all of us find some kind of peace.

[jscmom]

Chumba and Robertsmom: I am sorry for the loss of your children. May peace be with all how enter here.

I do beleive we know when we are going home, I knew that my John was I did not know it at the time of his accient.

As I look back to the 6 months prior to his death I was saying and doing things focusing on him. I was putting together several picture frames of all the kids and grandchildren and the one I was working on was John's he was the only one without children.

When he would come home I would take pictures of him more than I ever have. It drove him nuts. And before sleeping I would thank God for our blessings pray for all and pray really hard for John. I would close my eyes and see him walk on the baech with Jesus' arm around him. I guess I could go on but I am sure you get the idea.

In hind sight I wish I did not have these thoughts and feelings as I did not know it was going to lead to this.

Any good night to all of you, may we all find hope.

Missing Johnny forever 22

[Artina]

Gregoryx,

I am so sorry for your loss. I imagine not knowing is difficult for you. Please know that we are here to support each other. My son died Jan 4, 02, from injuries sustained in a snowmobile accident. I miss him so much. I am able to function a lot better than I did in the first couple of years. Beyond Indigo has been a great resource for me for over three years.

Peace to you, Tina

[rhonda68]

Jscmom- It is so strange. My son was home for family weekend that last weekend and I was so excited to have him home more than usual. I made him his bed up downstairs and tucked him in. We had a barbq with steak potatos and I made him his favorite dessert cherry cheese cake I dont think I will ever be able to make cheese cake again I cant make it when he cant enjoy it. We had a big dinner with his grandma,grandpa,great grandma, and brother on Sunday. When he left Monday night to go to work he phoned and told me he made it back safely as I always worried about my boys. The last thing he said is I Love you Mom. He was killed at 13 minutes after midnight the next day. My poor baby he was only 19 I couldnt protect him I hate myself and my heart and soul ache so bad! My nerves are very edgy all the time. I dont know what to do anymore.

Richards Mom

[griffinsmom]

Kathy-(Nathans' Mom)-

You should start a site for Nathan. It is therapeutic, and gives others a chance to express their feelings. Griffins site keeps me busy, and always searching for treasures to post on it. Its easy.

https://griffin-schwartz.memory-of.com/about.aspx

[Artina]

Ronda68,

It sounds like you were a GREAT mother and your son had to have felt the love and protection that you held for him. I understand your desire to protect him and your pain for not being able to... it's difficult when we love so deeply. Logic says we can't protect them every minute of every day- they would hate that. Our broken heart desires an answer and we try to redefine a world that is out of our control. Our emotions are all over the map. Please know that we care and we are here for you in anyway that we can. Take it easy on yourself- you love your son and you don't deserve to blame yourself.

Peace to you, Tina

[tinasdad]

I received a package today with the things Stacey had with her on the night she was killed. The package contained her purse and its contents, and I'm proud of her that I found no evidence of cigarettes. I'm so against them. I knew I would cherish these reminders of her life, because I have so few things of hers, but I wasn't expecting to be so protective of some things. I placed her car keys next to mine on the key hanger, and her purse is in a safe at my studio. I may have done all this out of my guilty feelings about her adoption and death, but I feel good that I did this for her. For the first time since this began, I honestly feel good about something.

[griffinsmom]

Tinasdad-

The thing is, the way I understand it, is that our kids have this great knowledge of the truth now, and they see things in a totally positive light- no negativity, anger, resentment, sadness- they understand. You dont have to feel guilty about the adoption, because she knows the truth and loves you and sees you now and what you do.....I would not let the guilt ruin the new relationship you can have with her. Sounds crazy, just came to me- thought I'd share...