Loss of an Adult Child

[tinasdad]

Griffinsmom, do you mean the after death communicating? I want to hear her sweet voice for the first time. I'd be in such tears. No matter how she can let me know she's with me in spirit and okay in Heaven, I'm satisfied that she let me know. My wife, who is not Stacey's mother, has been supportive to the extreme through this sorrow. She is so sweet, in spite of facing a terminal illness. My wife, my love, my pillar of strength. I love her more than my own life. She's my hope on so many of these dark days. Bon nuit, Mark.

Stacey, Dad loves you. 10/16/74-5/22/96

[azcloudy]

Hello, this is my first time here never imaging 6 months ago i would be here. My youngest son"Robby"was killed in an auto accident on May 27, 2005. Currently, I am truely unable do the normal basic chores of our life prior to the accident. As my husband Rick and I own our own business, in which I see failing because of my lack of ability to get on with dailey biz affairs billing, phone calls, scheduling, paying bills etc. no desire to get thing done, at this time.

BREIF:"Robby": youngest son, 25 years, planning a secert wedding on June, 7,2005 to his girlfriend Cris(whom has 1 child from a previous relationship;Haley age 8). Cris was pregnanant at the time of accident. On July 8,2005,8:44a.m. Our first bio-logial grandbaby arrived, Annabelle Marie.(Robby also gave us our 1st grandbchild:Our:sweet heart of hearts Haley). Two grandbabys and no Daddy to be there.(Robby adores Haley). Very much so looking forward to the addition in his family. Unfortunately a bad decision on Robby part, he never was able to hold his daughter here on this earth.

The days go by and there are still so many unfinished areas of Robbys life I have not finished(I am the only legal parent,my husband/Step-Dad). As the same with the other areas of the living beyond the accident. I am unable to get it together, I attempted a local class here,"Griefing parents"again something I did not sucessfully completey. Being late for class, not having the requirements done as they were asked to be done, etc. etc. Only thing I choose to do is go to the gravsite and be near what was my son, talking to him. Crying and getting mad at him. Inquiring to him about the later life. Two days where I have taken our outdoor sun umbrella, for hours at a time. And this happened twice.

The other odd thing is not choosing to around"Annabelle". Not knowing why or if it is so ODD or I am totally lossing it, I have gone to our Dr. in which the response was to be medicated(having an earlier addition to pills,not something I could do), Or the Dr. saying I am O.K., not to get to streesed over others actions and re-actions to a extremely difficult time.

Two days where I have taken our outdoor sun umbrella, for hours at a time. And this happened twice.

I do know I have responseabilities to my here and now world just seems as I am the one who does not have it together, as Rick, Josh(older son), Cris(& girls), are being as if the impacted is over. And I am the only one not getting it together, so here I am looking for direction, suggestions, chatting with another whom truely know the heart-ache of this type of loss.

Thank you for listening, PEACE OUT & GOD BLESS!

AZCloudy

[azcloudy]

AZCloudy here, just re-read my post. The two times I took the umbrella I choose to stay there at the site for hours, at times laying on the ground sobbing, hitting the ground, screaming etc.

[julsmom]

azcloudy - you are still so very new into this process. We lost our 27 y/o daughter 10/13/03 in a one car crash. For the first year you are numb. Then reality sets in. Please try to find a grief counselor, you may have to go to several before finding one who understands. The other option is Compassionate Friends, a group for bereaved parents - no assignments. You may have started attending a group too soon. As for your work, if you could hire someone for a few months, if that is possible (I know with self-employed people it is not always) then do that. You and your family have to concentrate on yourselves to grieve and get well. No one else can do it for you. May you find peace. Lynda

[Artina]

Azcloudy,

I am so sorry for your loss. As Lynda said, you need take time out for yourself. Lynda mentioned hiring someone for a couple of months- and I couldn't agree more. You need to put yourself first for a while. Grieving the loss of a child is very, very, very difficult- as I am sure you know. Don't beat yourself up for not being able to continue or finish anything right now. That is totally understandable. Infact, I was proud of myself for just putting my feet on the floor every morning ( I didn't expect too much from myself in the first year). The very basics is all I did- drink plenty of water, eat, sleep, walk, journal, and talk... that's it.

However, since you have recognized that you are unable to finish your work and you feel like your busniess is going to go under do to your lack of interest, think about hiring someone part-time. This may seem like a "big" step, but it will allow you to take care of yourself without feeling like the rest of your life is falling apart.

Peace to you, Tina

[tinasdad]

Azcloudy, I'm so sorry for your tragic loss. For a short term solution, is there a way someone can take over your responsibilities in your business? You need time to grieve, and begin to sort through these issues in your heart. Our society, so based on money and the stock exchange, thinks that three days after the funeral everyone should be fine and back to work. Some eastern cultures don't do this, and grieve for 50 to 100 days before the family returns to their work. Until then, someone else in the community pitches in to help with their work until they are through their time of grief. We hope you feel comfortable and welcome here, and return to share your thoughts and journey through this pain.

[kathy714]

Dear Azcloudy,i am so sorry for the recent and tragic loss of your son Robbie,i hope you find comfort by coming to Beyond Indigo,i love this wedsite and visit here every day.Ilost my son 6 months,Jan31,2005 on his 21st birthday,and i am so thankful for this site.It is so sad that so many of us are in the same situation,this is a road i never dreamed i would be on,and when it happens to you the shock and the pain is so overwhelming,it takes your breath away.Iwas fortunate enough to take 5 months leave from my job[my husband was also ill].I know it is differcult to take time when you own your own business,your loss is so recent that you are probaly still in shock,and you need to take time to grieve the loss of your son.Tinasdad is right,may you have a friend or even family member that can help take over some of the responsabilty during this differcult time.T/C Kathy,Nathan's mom

[daveydow1]

Azcloudy,

I'm so sorry to read of your very sad loss. I have to say that

going to your dear son's grave, talking, crying, screaming etc.

is a normal part of the horrific shock and sorrow you are going

through. My son, David,age 31 also died in a terrible highway accident,

June 14/03. He was single, and left no children. I often wish

that he had left a child. This time for you can only be for grieving

for your lost son. It is natural to think of him and mourn nearly

every waking hour, so soon after his passing. My prayers are for

you now and for the future as you grieve. I hope you will come to

this site any time you are able to do so. Everyone here is walking

with you on this sorrowful road. Peace to you.

[jscmom]

AZCLOUDY, I am to self employed running my own business, my husband works for a large company. I also lost interest in my business as you are. Hell how can you work when your whole life has been turned inside out.

It will be going on nine months son my son died, I have only started not working the first of this month. I sold my business (real estate & property mgmt.)

This is the first time I have been able to grieve. I knew I was not doing a good job and the pressure of having to work was overwhelming. It took a long time to get to this point but I am so greatful I did.

Please find someone to work for you, you need your time.

My husband John's stepdad buried hinself in work and thought would work for me. Well it did not. So now I have the time I need to do as I need and feel. I spend hours crying for him at his gravesite, home in the car where ever and now I think I may be healing or something to that.

Everyone here knows your pain and what you are going through. i know that this site has helped me I hope it can do the same for you.

Johnny's mom forever 22

[jscmom]

Tinasdad, Thank God you had a good day by getting something of your beautiful daughter. I cherish the things I have and look forward to getting anything else if and when John's girlfriend is wanting to let them go. If she doesn't that's ok too. I have him in my heart and soul.

Take Care.

Rhonda68; Those last words we heard I am so glad we have them. I also have Johns voice on my computer, stuffed animal and cell phone. It is sad to say but I do feel greatful for this.

John did not have children therefore no one else... I always preached safe sex....

Good night all

Johnnys mom forever 22

[kathy714]

Dear jcsmom,i understand what you mean when you say you always had a feeling about your son leaving you at a young age ,because i always had that feeling too.I think some of it came from ,Nathan always lived like he knew it too,he always lived each day like it was his last,he was very loving and caring,he was the type of kid that would give you his last ten dollars if you needed it more than him.Ialways told Nathan you are not going to live a normal life ,you are going to make some kind of statement,and we always spent so much time together almost like we knew are time together would be short.Last April[2004],Nathan and i took a trip to Florida and spent 3 weeks there,we rented a car and traveled down the west coast,visiting family,the trip was perfect,it was almost like god gave us this special time together,and Nathan was able to see relatives he hadn't seen in years.Idon't know it's strange when i look back on everything now.T/C Kathy, Nate's mom

[azcloudy]

Hi All, AZCloudy here I want to express my Thank You to those whom read & wrote to me reguarding my ROBBY.Its late here in Phx,3:55am the same time my sons death occurrd on 5/27/05. It seems as if every morning after the accident I am a waken at this time, including the Friday it happened too!. I have never really understood, I could save my son if I was awake. Waking around 3:40am and me waking Rick(which never happens{not the best upon waking}so he's never awake as I am earlier am),that morning, he did wake we talked and joked around, Then I pleaded with him to take the day off playing hookie, together.a day we could spend totally together,as it has been along time.since we had any Rick & Cloudy time.I did have several moments of overwhelming feelings of missing Robby, it did not occur to me it would be the day my world would crush to the earth.That this would be the day Robby would leave here.

Crazy as this sounds:Robby at a very young age told me he would not be here any longer then his 25 year, His birth arrival is April 13,1980/May 27,2005.The was off. Nope..... he was premature by 5.5 weeks. Count the days difference. Clearly remember calling those I had shared this info with at around 1:00am 4/14/2005.Just hours after his 25th birthdate,believing the statement was totally WRONG. As I believed I was going to able to have him here longer,& I was just "kukey" listening to my very young son.There are some has to be awareness within.Robby himself started a conversation earlier in night of 5/26/05.A relatives, adult son(just a few years older then Robby). Where together playing poker,Robby asks each one at the table."If you died tonight who would you die for? God or the devil?".Upon everyones response, the question came back to him. With excitement in his voice,{I'm told}"Only for GOD!!!! when I go". that statement gives me PEACE. I did wonder,if teaching of his childhood remained within him.ROBBY lived life to the end,"On THE EDGE,110% TO THE FULLEST,DOING ALL HE COULD,IN WHATEVER WAS GOING ON." The question of God teachings, did in fact have me wonder at times. Reason#9,000,000,000,etc as to why I am deeply heart broken; Robby made such a full circle in life. Settling down, keeping his job for almost 2 3/4 years,(if not challenge at his job,he'd find another one)" medical insurance,paid off thier SUV{Ford explorer,I am told it is one in the years they had BIG trouble with them rolling over, yes roll over is the first part of his accident){{I apologize, I know I diffted into another out loud thought}}.Looking forward to Anni's arrival,living less On the Edge". As he was leaving(to play poker)he says to Haley."Big girl,Daddy has a long weekend, We're going to the lake!!.Dad and his BIG GIRL! will be riding the lake.On the jet ski, Mom will be on the beach, taking care of baby sister(Anni had not been born).Keeping out of the sun."I am told Haley was anxiously awaited his return, not to come to be.

My watching him grow as an adult, with a clearer direction,looking forward to the future, something I am not sure he ever felt he had,until the last 10-12 months,prior the accident. So seeing him come circle getting to it's complete fullness was a joy as,Robby's Mom. Again I have gone on for more then I should have.Feeling comfortable chatting on this site. My thoughts are many along with the POLITE Welcome I feel, Although it STINKS why we are all here.

Again many Thanks for listening and if you'd like to W/B.

PEACE OUT GOD BLESS--

AZCloudy

[azcloudy]

AZCloudy truely I attempt to proof read my posts: the statement should read I never understood Why I could not save my son.

[Artina]

AZCoudy,

I too could not imagine my son at an older age. He used to make comments, here and there, that he wasn't going to live forever. I never connected any of it until he died. He died when he was 19, from injuries sustained in a snowmobile accident. He too was full of life and lived life fully. He too was a kind and loving Spirit... He would have been an asset to life.

It sounds like you and your son were very close and lived life as if it were the last day that you would spend together. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Peace to you, Tina

[rhonda68]

Artina and Azcloudy so sorry for your losses. My son too was only 19 he was full of life and excitement. He often made the comment that he he didn't want to get old because it was boring. He thought I was too old at my age 36 and he was scared reaching 20. I always worried about my boys but he always assured me that he would not go one minute before his time. I love and miss my boy so much somedays actually most days I feel like i am going crazy I am definatley a much different person now the only thing that keeps me going is my younger son I know I have to keep plugging in this old world for him. But still nothing makes any sense.

Richards mom

[griffinsmom]

I agree. My son was 17. I don't feel like I am going to make it much longer.

[Artina]

Rhonda68,

I was 36 when my son crossed over- I am now 39, soon to be 40. I was just 16 when I had him- my husband was 19. Everybody told us to give him up for adoption. I loved my husband and I loved my unborn baby and I knew I wanted to be part of his life from the day I found out I was pregnant. I new that I had it in me to make it against all the odds. We have had to struggle, but nothing like the struggle of losing our son. It was our love for our son that kept us pushing forward and it will be our love for our son that keeps up pushing forward now- our living son, who is just 16, needs us to push forward too. His brother would be so mad at us for giving up on life when his little brother needs us to be supportive of his life. Plus, I want to be here for my living son... and I want to be involved in his life. I love watching him become a young man. He is such a joy and a complete pleasure. We can do this- we may not want to, but WE CAN DO THIS!

Peace and love, Tina

[Artina]

Griffinsmom,

I felt the same way, but keep pushing forward. It does get better...

Peace to you, Tina

[robertsmom]

Azcoudy

I too lost my son Robert in a rollover accident. My youngest son was driving not wearing a seatbelt and received abbrassions. He's physically ok, mentally he struggles every day. I can't even imagine. Their accident happened March 28, 2003. Our family was so close, but now my youngest has moved away about 700 miles. We all have pretty much hidden our true emotions from him as he fills so guilty as it is. Robert was the passenger (in his own car) he always wore his seatbelt. In this case it may have been better if he too would have been thrown from the vehicle. Robert was such a good person, so full of life, everyone who meet him adored him. The hospital he worked at made a card for me with Roberts picture on front wearing his scrubs. So many of his co-workers took the time to write really nice long notes about how Robert affected their lives and things they had done together.

Robert also didn't think he'd live to old age. He had a near drowning at age 16. Guess he thought he was on borrowed time. We lost him at age 29. He was in a band and use to always say "Rock Stars die young". He wasn't a rock star but sure did want to be. He did finally record some backup on a cd one month before he passed. The band has since come out with another cd and has a photo of Robert in the insert. Also a song for him. They're just a local band not known to many, but it was real touching when I saw the new cd.

I have just recently found this web site. Although I haven't posted much here it has really helped me. I was starting to have some overwhelming feelings of loss all over again. Waking up everyday crying, just like the first year. Crying in the middle of the day with such a empty feeling, not knowing what was happening to me. Pretty much feeling like I was losing it. There's no one I can actually talk to. My other half is not Roberts father so he doesn't understand after all this time. Realizing there are others out there going through the same helps me realize I'm not crazy. It's so sad that there are so many of us who have had to go through this awful experience. Why??? I will never understand. Somedays it's just to hard to comprehend, and I still struggle believing this has all happened.

I'm sorry for going on and on but it does help.

May peace be with all

Robertsmom

[tinasdad]

artina, through all the difficulties you faced by your choice to keep your son and raise him, you showed you're character as a loving and wonderful Mom, the kind all children should have. After going through the adoption searching headaches I have, I'm thankful you made the choice to keep him and raise him. While he only spent a short time with you here, he was blessed having you both for parents, and I know you share the blessing of him being your son. I pray you can find peace for your heats. Mark.

Stacey, Dad loves you, 10/16/74-5/22/96.

[chumba]

To Tinasdad: Thank God you've got her things have them blessed with holy water and make a display/college. Personally, a safe for her purse sounds like prison give it light. Yes, I speak my mind but solely to help. I have all my sons things and I wear his clothes. I'm his extension now instead him being my extension. Strange but we're not dead--we're fully alive but on P A U S E I N D E F I N E T L T Y. You've endeared my heart with the caring and love that manifests from your writings about Stacey. She would've loved you and it would have felt like you were always physically together from day one.

Knowing your situation and feeling your grief, hopelessness and love has helped me trememdously. I feel connected to you in a maternal way. Thank you. Chumba (Chumba Wumba was my son's nickname for me.)

[tinasdad]

Chumba, I'm not being sarcastic saying this, but truly, thank you for saying that. At this point in my grief, at least until the who killed her is executed, I somehow want a feeling of security for her personal things. These few items are all I have of hers, seven photos, and this purse with most of its content, except for her license, and one and only credit card. I get her things out daily, but if I'm away for the day, I keep them secure. I have gotten the "feeling" she's happy I do this for her.

I believe it's good that you have kept your son's things, and even wear some of his clothes. These things may seem small to outsiders, but they keep us so deeply connected to our children. Mark

[robertsmom]

Tinasdad - Chumba

I totally understand wanting to have something that belonged to your child. I have only the pictures that I've always had. Roberts girlfriend has kept everything. I only asked for his teddy bear that he has kept from when he was baby. To this day over two years later she hasn't given it to me. Roberts brothers and sister also wanted a personal item, clothing, guitar pick or something and still nothing. I had picked up his guitar and leather jacket to have at the services. But took it back to his girlfriend when we went to visit her. She was also in the accident and has had to have numberous surgerys on her legs. I just feel she's trying to be in control of everything for some reason or another. It's a long story so I won't go into it. I just don't understand what to do.

Peace to all

Robertsmom

[julsmom]

To all - I certainly can understand wanting something belonging to your child. Fortunately I have all of Julie's things (still in boxes in the garage). Her grandmother, my M-I-L, died 10 months earlier and all Julie asked of from my S-I-L who was mom's caretaker was the only quilt that I ever made and which I gave to mom. S-I-L couldn't find it for those 10 months and it was when Julie died that she offered to bring it down to place in her coffin. My husband was very unhappy and we just put the quilt away. It is the only thing that my husband does have from his mother, S-I-L has never offered anything else. And while I have 2 sisters and 3 brothers, we mostly only saw my husband's sister who couldn't come down for 2 days, while my sisters, who really only saw Julie occasionally because of distance flew in the next day. Go figure. May we all find peace. Lynda

[Artina]

Tinasdad,

Thank you... I do feel blessed. I have also wanted to share with you that my name is "Tina", and everytime I read your posts I think about my father. Your daughter would be proud to have such a caring and loving person to call her father.

Peace to you,

Tina (artina)

[jscmom]

Julsmom; I don\'t understand how your beloved son\'s girlfriend can be so cruel. When Johnny moved out he left some things here at home. As I went into his room in his closet there were two boxes in there. This is where I was able to have some of his things, his diploma, pictures, and many little treasures that I know meant a lot to him. I cherish these things, I just don\'t understand why the girlfriend wants to be so selfish. I feel so bad for you and your family. Long story or not he is your son, not that I need to say this.

Just wondering does this \"girlfriend\" have contact with you or your family? I am so sorry that she has been so mean to you I hope someday soon she will see that she needs to do the right thing and do it.

Johnny\'s girlfriend was driving when John was hurt. We had to let him go 14 days later, I left Nebraska with, his watch, passport, and wallet. Shannon has the rest of his belongings.

I saw his things 4 months later when we went to her trial, on her behalf. I did want take them home to CA but I could not begin to ask. I saw this clothing in their bed, his jeans on the floor his ball caps on the dresser she was waiting for him to come home. Guess I will be thankful for what I did have here.

Maybe someday...

Mark, you are a wonderful man and I can tell a great dad. Stacy KNOWS this. How do you do it you are remarkable.

As all of our paths cross on this site it is so strange that we all are connected in so many different ways...all sad but all related some how.

I have such a hard time finding light in this sadness....

[jscmom]

Julsmom I am sorry, I am happy you have your daughters belongings.

I meant to write to Robertsmom again I am sorry for this.

[julsmom]

jscmom, that's ok. I know our grief makes us write/say things that we really mean differently. Julie's boyfriend has asked for little of her things, and what he has asked for I did give him. However, he is still so heartbroken, I hesitate to give him more or ask if he would want more. I want him to "heal" and to begin to make progress towards a new life, although it will be one without Julie. (See even those of us who know grieving takes a long time, want others to grieve quickly.) He is a fine young man and he and his family have been very supportive of us. Peace to all. Lynda

[tinasdad]

arTina, my screen name originated because when I was searching for my daughter, I met a young lady named Tina, who matched so perfectly, we believed she was my daughter for a while. I've thought of changing my screen name in honor of Stacey, but I maintain a relationship with Tina, and her son doesn't know his real grandfather, so I'm honored to fill that roll for him out of love.

[tinasdad]

jscmom, I think some people fear losing memories, like they hold the person's soul. It's something the person owned. Am I any different? Stacey's things are in a safe, and while I get them out every day, I'm so protective, and I cherish the few things I have.

[robertsmom]

JSCMOM

Thank you so much for your response. I've been so consumed with this whole possessions thing since Robert left us. Myself and his father were divorced so the kids had all their possessions. I had kept pictures. Therefore there wasn't even a shirt left behind. Robert had been married before and has a child who was 7 at the time of the accident. Robert and his girlfriend would kept my grandson three months at a time here in Kansas and then he'd go to his mom in Calif. for three months. So the girlfriend was close with my grandson. I thought he loved him like her own. Then the insurance came into play and everything changed. The girlfriend is so afraid the ex-wife will benefit somehow so she won't give anything up. She has claimed common law wife and it has yet to go to court. This is where the problems began, so we haven't been in touch for over a year now. She doesn't talk to Roberts dad or one of his brothers or sister. Only Roberts brother that was also in the accident. I understand she has a totally different sort of loss. In her mind she was his wife. But to tell me "once a child is over 18 the parent has no say so" Broke my heart, how could she do this to us. I don't know, it's crazy. Maybe I'm wrong. But she was was given Roberts life insurance of over 125,000 plus 100,000 from the auto insurance and now is tying up the insurance that should be set aside for Robert's son. I just don't understand the system, it's been almost 2 1/2 years. It's been really hard to find closure. Maybe it would be anyway. I just feel like I'm letting my son down for the second time. First I couldn't always make sure he was safe. And now I can't make sure his son will at least have college money. I'm sorry, I must sound like a mess. Getting this out through the message board is helping me though. I realize i'm going on and on it's not all about me. I just needed to get this out. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Robertsmom

[tinasdad]

Robertsmom, where we are, there is a seven year term of relationship before a claim of commonlaw marriage can be made. I can't judge the motives or reasons, but perhaps you may consider asking the courts to place this money in escrow until the matter can be solved. The courts can establish a trust for his son's college education with a portion of it, at the least. I think you are on track here, and I agree with your take on the situation, so I think you need to react to this quickly.

[daveydow1]

Robertsmom,

I feel so sorry that you have to go through all this legal

stuff when your heart is broken, and the grief is so strong.

I do hope it all works out so that the little boy will get

the trust for his education. The girlfriend seems as though

she has let her greed get the best of her.

Peace & prayers.

[daveydow1]

Tinasdad and Artina,

Reading your posts regarding your child's possesions brought

to mind something I did several months after my son, Davey's,

death. He was an avid golfer, and when I was going through his

things (he lived with us), I found his nearly-new golf shoes.

I didn't know what to do with them. His father would not want

to use them for himself, so I knew I should do something with

them.I debated and finally put them in the trash. I know that

I should have given them to the local Salvation Army thrift

store, but at the time, I could not bear to think of others

buying them and using them when my son was dead. They would

not even know my son had died so tragically before his time.

Now I feel guilty because I feel I was selfish in my motives,

and could have helped, in a small way, a worthy charity. I

would like your thoughts on this as well as anyone else who

would care to comment. Peace to all.

[briansdad]

I'm keeping everything I can of Brian's.I don't care if it's in a box some where or displayed in the house.It's all I have of his and I'm not parting with them.I have his car in the garage with no motor,He took it out the week he died. He had plans for the car and I'm going to finish it for him and maybe one day when his daughter is old enough to appreciate what that car means I'll give it to her.Along with all the things that were his that I saved.It will help her remember who her Daddy was. brian-klocke.memory-of.com

[ericasmom]

Hi Everyone,

sitting here resisting bed, sometimes it feels good to just have control over silly things like time and sleepiness.

As far as items of our childrens'...I gave many of Erica's clothes away to her friends that wanted them, wanted to wear her and remember her in all the ways they could. I saved her graduatin gown, she loved it so, white floor length. I saved her prom gown too, we bought both of these together one day. I thought she lookded beautiful in them. I saved a ton of things and keep them close such as her photos from her young adult life. I have kept her necklace that i gave her her last Christmas here. I was so touched to see the crystal hanging on a hook on her bulletin board where she lived. I wear it, it feels good. I have kept every card that has come to us in 2 years and one month since her death. I am surrounded here in my office with small snipets of her life, reminding me of her happiest times. I pray i do not forget our times, worried that they will cloud over with time.

Bless you all, each step smiled upon by our babies.

dee

[tinasdad]

DaveyDow1, I think you did the right thing, and you did what your heart needed to do. While you may have a little guilty feeling about sending them to charity, I'll tell the truth about many people who shop at those places. Many of them are well off enough to afford to pay for those shoes at the pro shop, but do it there so they can hoard more money into their IRA or 401k. I learned this through a social experiment while in grad school. That's enough to cork the bottle of my guilt on it. I pray your heart may find peace through this pain.

[tinasdad]

Ericasmom, The few things I have of Stacey's are kept at my recording studio. I get out her things when I'm at my desk, and my band knows the significance. I think Erica is proud of you for sharing her things with her friends. Keep the others like precious gems. I pray you have all you need. Remember, she still loves you.

[kathy714]

Once again i can't sleep,so i am up reading the post,regarding giving things away,i still think it's to soon for me to think about that.I have given so of Nathans things to my older son Kevin,and i wear a lot of Nate's clothes.One thing i was a little surprised at ,was how many of Nathan's friends asked for things of his,i told most of them i wasn't ready yet to part with anythig ,but i would keep them in mind when it was time.One of Nathans friend lived with us for awhile and they were like brothers so i told him he can have Nates clothes,when he feels ready ,and some of the art work he drew,they have hanging all over Nate's bedroom.I think though it's going to be a long time before i will ever be able to change anything in Nathan's room. I think i'm still in the stage where i still hope he might come home... Good night t/c

[julsmom]

daveydow - you did what you felt was right and that's all that matters.

ericasmom - strange you should mention the cards. I have been cleaning out our computer room where the cards are stored. I decided to alphabatize them, remove the address and staple that to the card and keep them that way. I'm only half way done, very hard to do. It's odd as I was never one to save any greeting cards I received. Sometimes I wonder why save anything? After my husband and I leave this world, I don't want our surviving son to have sort through all of this. We're not ready to go yet, but as you all know, life is very short and we don't get a say as to when.

Peace to all. Lynda

[Artina]

Daveydow1,

I totally understand where you are coming from. For the most part, I am a generous person... I believe in donating to non-profit agencies- I am the Executive Director of a non-profit agency. However, when it comes to my son's energy imprint left on his personal "things" (his essence, thoughts, energy, memory...etc) I don't hesitate doing what works for me. It has to be that way. I will give a 100 things to non-profit agencies, but not those things. My intentions are to heal, not to hurt anybody.

I even have a hard time loaning out grief books that have worked for me, because I feel like my grief energy is imprinted on them. I'm real careful with who I let touch them or use them, because I don't want somebody with bad intentions to leave their negative energy on something that was so healing to me. I know this is deep thinking, but it's how I feel. Energy is very important to me and I pay attention to how people's energy "FEELS" to me.

Therefor, I would have done the same thing that you did. And, if it makes you feel better, buy a pair of golfing shoes and donate them to a charity of your choice, or give a dollar donation. There are different ways to rid yourself of that guilt, but it is very important to put your grief first and do what works for you.

Peace to you, Tina

[ericasmom]

Hi Everyone,

Lynda, yes, i have never been huge on saving, not in any organized way and Lord knows this is hardly organized but it brings some precious moments for me. The cards are important, and it is very hard to go through them, but somehow important once in a while, do not know why. Maybe what we should do is keep a will giving absolute written permission to our surviving children or siblings, to let it all go in the trash when we go so as not to give them the burden of hanging on to things that are important to us. These things do not hold the same significance for others, nor should they ever be burdensome. I want no more burdens for my son Jon. I want him to live in the moment and sieze all he can in joy on this earth, to feel his sister's peace and love and go forward in this. Walk in her rays and learn one day, i hope soon, to let go of any and all guilt or anger. That is my deepest prayer.

As far as giving things away, throwing aaway, or holding on to things forever? We do what feels best and I really do not think that is a bad thing.

I am sure keeping Stacy's things in a recording studio is an inspiration, making the music sweeter with her spirit in you. I write and draw in with Eri's pictures around me, seeing the smile she so readily shared reminds me of the importance of each moment.

Love to you all,

dee

[griffinsmom]

I am just wondering what will happen if I ever did decide to move. Right now, Griffins things, his "stone" in the front yard, his tree- his photos- all keep me here - but will I end up buying a bigger car to carry his stuff w/ me forever till I die? I can just see moving to a house in another place carting a trailer of Griffin behind us, or running from a hurricane worrying about Griffins stuff....I dont want to leave the area right now just for a break cause of Griffins stuff. The stuff can really get to me- I just want everything about him I can get my hands on. If there was a fire or other disaster, the first things I would go for are Griffins things- even though he dosen't care about them anymore. God, I miss my son more than I can bear these days- but I wont leave this earth because I don't want to leave his things behind....not to mention the baby (my 9 mo old daughter)- who seems to run a close second to Griffins stuff. Crazy.

[Artina]

Griffinsmom,

I understand. I have duplicated pictures and video tapes and put them in a safe at the bank. I also took some of Chris's pictures to my moms. This way, if anything does happen to my home, I won't be witout picture's of my son. That is my worst fear. I can handle living without the stuff- if I have to- but not his video's or picture's. This took a lot of added worry out of my grief.

I think that one of the worst things we can do to ourselves is try to solve, "what if's", that may occur down the road. I spent a lot of time in the first year worrying about "what if", until I realized that none of that mattered until I was upon that moment. It was very important for me to stay in the day... not one day ahead. I had to practice this behavior- over and over and over again. I still have a hard time staying in the moment, but it has gotten better. The one thing that I now understand is that I'm not going to worry about something that may occur down the road, because I'm not promised that moment. If I do choose to move out of my home in the future... I will do whatever it takes, to take with me, the most important pieces of my life.

Peace to you, Tina

[griffinsmom]

Artina~

Thats a great idea, the bank for photos and videos- even computer backup! I have always had a hard time living in the moment. i guess its time to master that skill. Thanks.

[daveydow1]

Hello to everyone.

Thanks to all for your input on our children's belongings.

I sort of like your statement,Briansdad, about keeping

all of your son's things. After all, these things are all

we will ever have of them---in the way of material things

that we can hold & look at. I gave a lot of Davey's record

collection to his older brother, and to his best friend.

The other day, I was going through some things and I

unexpectedly came upon a small 5x7 size painting of a horse

head that Davey had done in elementary school. It felt like

finding a treasure. I've always been a sentimental "saver",

and I have greeting cards that my son gave me, along with

little items he made in Bible school when he was small. I

would not part with them. As Tina said, we should only live

for the day and not worry about the future too much. Peace

to all, and thank you all for being so helpful.

[jscmom]

To Robertsmom, you are welcome. As I read your post it it reminded me of my exhusband and my son. My ex had alomost nothing to do with my son since our divorce 15 years ago. I can count on one hand how many times he did see my John, therefore Johnny refered to him as the "sperm donor".

When I received the call from the Chaplian, I had to phone my exmother-in-law to find the bio dad.

As I watched my son die for 2 weeks knowing everthing about him, I also watched the bio dad look at "his son" that he did not even know. It made me so angry that he missed out on most of Johnny's life and Johnny did not have him in his life and he was there for his death.

This man had nothing to do with John or his older sister all those years not even child support until Johnny was 19, yet he was there acting as if he knew my son.

I had to keep my wits for the sake of my son and daughter and doctors but when it was over I did express my thoughts to him.

Since I have sent him over 100 pictures of his son, daughter, and granddaughters on a cd. I do not know if he ever had them developed but I want him to see the son he missed out on.

So as I try to get over the many phases of anger he is now off my list. I now look at him as if it was not for him (bio-dad) I would not have had my Johnny. The ex and I had him for 6 years and Johnny was with us the rest of his 22 years, in which I am so thankful for, and always will be.

Possessions are also memories, memories are our possessions.

California doesn't have comman law anymore, in it's place is palamoniy. I am sure a judge will see that his son is the onlr heir and therefore the money will be put in a trust for his future. And the girlfriend needs help to do the right thing for your grandson, and your family.

Sorry for being so long could not sleep either, good night

Loving and missing Johnny forever 22

[kathy714]

Dear Artina,that is such a good idea ,to keep pictures safe by making extras on a disk and keering somewhere else.Iknow i would die if anything happened to my pictures,my husband use to take Wedding photos so we always took thousands of pictures of our kids,and now i am so glad we did.You should see my house i have pictures everywhere.When Nathan passed we went through all my pictures and made copies[and any others that friends or family had],made up big poster boards to place around the room at the wake ,i still haven't taken them down.I miss Nathan so much those pictures and all his belongings are all i have of him right now,i do believe we will be together again but for now i will take all the pictures of Nate i can ,i love when his friends bring me new pictures i haven't seen before ,peace t/c Kathy[Nate's mom

[heartbrokendad]

Dear friends,

Just a word to tell you all how much I envy your problems(?) with your childs things.

Both of my children were grown, one was married and the other was living, for the last year of his life with his mother in Fla. I dont have anything of theirs, I do have some pitures,and a dvd of Carrie and Matthew, but how I wish I had something that had "them" on it. A hair brush, a shirt, anything. Carries husband, a real ass, never offerd to let me have something of hers, I even asked him for the necklace I placed around her neck the day she was married..."oh, I cant find it" Well that was typical of him.

When I had to move them last year, I had access to her coffin, and almost had the guy at the cemetary convinced to open the casket for me and get a piece of her hair, but he chickend out...the things we will do....

My point here, and there is one, is cherish your childs things...like I have to tell you that...

peace and love to all of you in this horror of a life.

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad....how I miss them..

[tinasdad]

heartbrokendad, Stu, I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry you have so precious little of your children. I feel honored to hold my daughter's purse and it's contents, which is all I have, other than a few e-mailed pictures. These are a father's cherished treaasures. Not my retirement account, or my business assets, but a little purse holding not even a penny. In light of your situation, I feel ashamed to cry over my missing pieces, knowing you hold less of your children's things than I do. Stacey's death has completely changed my perspective on everything. Mark