Loss of an Adult Child

[8lscanfly]

I have not posted on this thread before, but have been reading about all the signs that our children leave us. My son, Martin died on February 9th of this year and I have seen signs as well. Actually, we went to a medium last month and she spoke of some of the signs that had experienced. I too do not feel comfortable telling other people about these things, because of their reactions. I do not want to have to explain my experience to each and every one of them to have them think that I am a nut case.

Tina, I really appreciated your posting on May 30th about the communication idea years ago. Who would have even thought then about Cell Phones. I swore that my son would figure out a way to contact me electronically, he was so into the internet and IAming all of his friends. There was a time when the phone rang and no one was on the other end. I just had this feeling that it was Martin. I did not say anything on the phone, because my sister was in the room with me, but when I hung up the phone, I knew in my heart that was him. Then when we went to the medium, she said that was him on the phone. The exciting part was that she said he has not figured out how to talk YET.....I know he will....SO KATHY714....BELIEVE that was your son.

Kathy714, My niece has seen my son in so many dreams....and she tells me about each and every one of them....I get sad because he does not come to me yet, but his messages that she tells me are very loud and clear.

One thing that my minister told me is that there are signs as long as you have Faith's eyes to see them. Amen. I felt very comforted by that. I hope that helps some as well.

There are so many things that I want to say, to all of you....But especially that I am so sorry for all your losses...

Is there any one out there that had to deal with Medical Malpractice with their children's deaths?

[missingchris]

Just wishing a measure of Peace to all who post here , or read......

Chris's Mom

http://christopher-kimbrew.memory-of.com/about.aspx

[jasonsdad]

Dear Tana, we lost our sons a few weeks apart. My son died on Oct. 31 2002. I do accept my son's death but will never feel I'm turning my back on him. It's called moving on. I visit his grave almost everyday and talk to him. It's just a part of my life. I just buried my daughter on March 21. My son-in-law buried her next to her brother. Sometimes I feel guilty when I spend too much time crying on her grave - it's like I'm ignoring my son! I know better but this is what pain and grieving does to you. Sometimes I think I can't go on - if it weren't for the anti-depressants I take I would never make it. I strongly urge all of you to see your doctor and get something. It does help. We accept pain killers for our body why not for our mind? I hope all of you have some peace in your life. I know I'm trying to find some myself. What I find the hardest is getting up and trying to get through another day. It never gets better. I finally was getting my life together after my son died but now I don't know what will happen. I am so sorry for my last living child, a daughter, as she is having tremendous pain. She lost her best friends - older brother and older sister. She went to them for everything. Why is God so cruel?

Dear MichaelsMom, words cannot express my sympathy and incredible awe at your courage for enduring such tragedy. I lost my Son Oct.2003. I raised him and he was a huge part of my existence. I have another son that was his best friend, but is taking it almost as a matter of fact. I worry it will catch up to him. I was on anti-depressants, but stopped taking them. I am on other medications that I am able to take as needed. I hope and pray that God, first of all exists and that he is not cruel. My Wife worries about our other Son and says that God could not be that cruel to take him also. Well apparently it happens, such as in your case. All I can say is that if there is a God, He must love you an awful lot to put such a burden on you. I know that sounds ridiculous, but there must be an answer. Why do some skate through life and only have minimal grief, while others like you and me have to live our lives out in pain. This pain is worse then anything imaginable as I'm sure we would both give our arms, legs and or beings to bring back our kids. Please try to keep posting and let us know how your are. I can't imagine your pain, because my pain is half of yours and unbearable. God bless you and keep you strong. DAN

[julsmom]

jasonsdad, I certainly share your wife's anxiety. I fear that something will happen to our surviving son. I cannot image Michaelsmom's grief. This is too much at times and to have it happen again would be unbearable.Peace to all Lynda

[briansdad]

Guys I just wanted to make an observation.When Brian died I hated God for what happened and as many of you I thought because I lost my father at 7 years old that I would be spared the pain of ever losing anyone else that was close to me before their time.Well I was wrong.I realized what was happening to me.Satan rules the earth.God gives every body free will here on earth to do as he chooses.Things that happen here on earth is a culmination of choices made by people.When bad choices are made bad things happen.When you lose someone dear to you many times the first thought is to blame God and what is really happening is Satan is trying to force a wedge between you and God.If he succeeds then your chance of seeing your loved one is gone.I\'m not a religious zelot or born again Christian.I\'m just a hurt parent wanting to make sure I see my son again.So to allow myself to blame God is wrong.Even if my theory is completely wrong, how many of you are willing to take the chance of not seeing your loved one again.All I can say is, not I.

God love you all!

[rhonda68]

I sure know how you are feeling about your other child or children I have become very paranoid with the child I have left and every time he leaves the house I think is this the last time I am going to see him. Does anyone have trouble getting their child that is left to cooperate and get school work done? My son is in grade 10 and I think basically he has failed this semester its just been to caotic but teachers don't seem to be very understanding they act quite jerkish actually and I am having a hard time dealing with them. Just wanted to let you all know about this book I am reading I am only into the second chapter but it seems to be EXCELLENT!!! The name of it is When the Bough Breaks forever after the death of a son or daughter. Hope this book may help. The lady who wrote it had a son die plus she went and interviewed people on the terrible traumatic events that took their son or daughter. I am so not crazy everyone feels the same way.

Richards Mom

[kirksdad]

Rhonda, our daughter had a really hard time with school after Kirk's death. It took her 3 years to get back to where she was at with her grades when she entered high school. She never got back with her friends, because she felt her friends didn't understand and became friends with Kirk's buddies. Her class didn't understand or help, her teachers were for the most part cold and stand offish, the administration was a complete jerk and the counselor never talked to her about her feelings for 3 months and then he told her they didn't counsel anyone after her brother's death because it happened 2 weeks before school started and they felt things had calmed down by that time.

It is extremely hard for many brothers and sisters to understand their feelings and with the parents hurting in the worst possible manner it is hard to understand they are really hurting, also, but in a different manner. They go through so much through out their lives. It is really, really tough on them.

[daveydow1]

My "angel day" is coming up June 14th. Already, I am feeling

apprehensive, & nervous. It will be 2 yrs., and sometimes it

seems like only yesterday. Some days I think I am doing o.k.

and then most of the time I feel like I am losing ground.

Briansdad,

I read, with interest, your post of today. I agree with your

views. I think that believing I'll see my children, Lisa and

Davey, again someday is the one thing that keeps me going day

to day.

I

[donosmom]

My youngest daughter has not done well at all since Matthew's death, she has acted out and her anger comes out sideways. She dropped out of high school, but she did get her GD and went to college this year. SHe has done well in school but it has been such a struggle and lots of pain.

She was to have a biopsy Wed and we went to the doctor and there was some confusion on the appointment time and when the nurse called to confirm she was to call in some medication which wasn't done. So by the time JayCee got in to see the doctro she was really really crabby well the doctor came in, the doctor asked her if she was upset and JayCee told her yes and why, now JayCee was crabby but not loud or disrespectful, the doctor refused to do the biopsy which I understand, but also refused to see her again. My daughter got up, got dressed and left and I stayed behind to talk to the doctor because this was the 3rd pap smear in a row she has had and I need information. She told me I needed to take her to a psychiatrist and get anger management. I tried to explain to her that we were approaching the 2nd year for Matthews death and she is really struggling with it and her response to me was "well that isn't my problem and I don't have time for spoiled problem teenagers".

SO here we are she needs treament and I have no idea what to do, but I will never every go back to that doctor or recommend her to anyone. I reported the situation to our insurance too.

My Oldest daughter just wants to avoid everything and pretend he is just away. She works in Alaska so she can do that until she comes home then it is so difficult with the reallity smacking her.

My youngest son was Matthews roommate and best friend from the time Michael came home from the hospital but he is dealing probably the best of anyone, he talks about Matt all the time and he goes to a group for the death of an Adult sibling. This group was started after the Oklahoma City bombing and it has been wonderful. I just with JayCee would go.

Well I have rambled enough sorry.

Matthews Mom Mary

11/3/1979 - 7/13/2003

[Artina]

Daveydow,

My thoughts are with you. I remember when you joined our group- it is hard to believe that it has been two years.

I have mixed feelings about time... I want it to go fast so that I can see my son who has crossed over, yet I don't want to miss life with my living son. If time continues to move as fast as it has, I will cross over faster than my mind can wrap around it.

Peace to you, Tina

[kirksdad]

Donosmom, that doctor was a complete moron, it is beyond belief how arrogant and self righteous some people can be. It is so hard on these kids that have to live with the death of a brother or sister. Our daughter was and still is very angry about what happened, as time goes along it gets better, but I want her to have fun, have a good life. She is still a teenager and should be trying to find her way instead of wondering why her brother had to die. Hopefully your daughter will start to understand that she needs to take care of herself and soften her anger toward what happened. It takes time. I am glad you reported the doctor, you should report her to the AMA. It is good your son is going to a support group, has he tried talking to your daughter. It might take persistance, but keeping up with the idea it is out of love and not pressure might just bring her around.

[kirksdad]

Daveydow1, I understand, Kirk's is the 11 and with Father's Day and not being at home during the month of June I have a tendency to over stress during this time of the year.

[julsmom]

To all who are facing "angel" dates this month, my prayers are with you.

To all the Dads out there - my heart goes out to all of you as Father's Day is around the corner, my husband seems to ignore the date now

To Mary - I agree with Kirksdad, report the moron to the AMA, your local chapter and your insurance company. We changed doctors after Julie died. A month after her death all he could talk about was that we had to diet and excerise (which is true) however there was no compassion that we were only a month from her death and not in a position to do healthy things.

Peace to all who travel this road. Lynda

[daveydow1]

Artina and Kirksdad,

Thanks for your replies. I don't know what I would do

without this site. It has helped so much. Peace be with

you in your journey of life.

Donosmom,

It is unbelievably callous of that Dr. to be so unfeeling

to you and your daughter. Being a nurse, I have seen my

share of these types of doctors. That Dr. obviously never

lost a child, but even at that, she should have more

compassion for her patients. It's good you reported her.

I hope that your daughter is able to reach out for help,

but as Kirksdad said---it may take more time. My husband

has not done well after the death of our Davey, and I

have my doubts he ever will. He is just quietly sad. My

prayers are with you & your family. Peace to you.

[rhonda68]

Kirksdad thanks for the reply really helps to know I am not alone!

Davedow1 thinking of you as your angel day nears!

Dononsmom absolutely pathetic and I am so sorry the doctor acted this way the professionals should act better toward such circumstances and it just ticks me right off that they don't. I work in the hospital and I have seen it all pathtic ill doctors and nurses if they don't want the job then just quit go into a different field this situation has ticked me off even before the death of my son.

[Judgesmom]

I have not written in here for such a long long time. It will be Jordan's angel date on June 13, he will have been gone now three years. It seems like yesterday and doesn't seem to get any easier. The grief spurts are more private now and I can talk about him and not cry. But when I am alone, I want to yell and scream at God and ask him why he took my beautiful boy, he was only l9 not even in his prime. I watch his friends grow up and get married and have babies or not get married and have babies and my heart screams out I will never be a gramma or for that matter I don't even feel like a mother anymore. I miss him so very much, there is not a day goes by that my heart does not ache for him, I keep asking why he had to die, why him, why any of our children. Three years and how many more to go....I don't know if I can stand it. But I will survive because I have too and that is the truth just because I have too, nothing more or nothing less. I sound angry because I guess I am, I hate June it is such a sorrowful month. I have a website for him if anyone wants to visit, I know a lot of you have but he has a new guest book, and I like to see the comments it makes me smile and that is unusual at the best of times. Love you all and take care. It is nice to be back at Beyone Indigo, it makes you feel you are not in this "Club" alone. His webpage is www.jordanwodehouse.com

My Best To All

Carol-Ann

Jordan'smom

[Judgesmom]

They say the second year is the hardest one...it is the finality of it. But I am coming up on three and it has not got any easier for me. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care

Jordan'smom

www.jordanwodehouse.com

My "angel day" is coming up June 14th. Already, I am feeling

apprehensive, & nervous. It will be 2 yrs., and sometimes it

seems like only yesterday. Some days I think I am doing o.k.

and then most of the time I feel like I am losing ground.

Briansdad,

I read, with interest, your post of today. I agree with your

views. I think that believing I'll see my children, Lisa and

Davey, again someday is the one thing that keeps me going day

to day.

I

[Judgesmom]

They say the second year is the hardest one...it is the finality of it. But I am coming up on three and it has not got any easier for me. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care

Jordan'smom

www.jordanwodehouse.com

My "angel day" is coming up June 14th. Already, I am feeling

apprehensive, & nervous. It will be 2 yrs., and sometimes it

seems like only yesterday. Some days I think I am doing o.k.

and then most of the time I feel like I am losing ground.

Briansdad,

I read, with interest, your post of today. I agree with your

views. I think that believing I'll see my children, Lisa and

Davey, again someday is the one thing that keeps me going day

to day.

I

[Artina]

CarolAnn,

I understand. Three years is different than two years, which is different than one year, but our reality is still the same... Our shock has worn off and we don't expect the door to open, the phone to ring, or wait for them to drive up. But we still hurt, cry, think about them, wish and long to hold them. Please know that we will be thinking about you as you approach Jordan's Angel Date.

Peace to you, Tina

[jscmom]

We have lost another. I ask that if you would pray for my husbands coworker and her family.

Her son 16 years old was killed Sunday night in a solo accident. Thanks for all of your prayers.

Donosmom,

What a jerk that doctor IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! These self absorbing know it all's know nothing. College, md school doesn't give them compassion just a degree.

I ran across one of these doctors while my son was in the hospital. I did tell him off, fired him due to his bed side manner and for the lack of care of my son. That DOCTOR was and did not enter my son's room again.

To all who have angel dates, my heart goes out to all of you. Take Care

[proudmomov2]

I recently lost my first born and only son. He was just 22 and still lived at home. He and a big group of people (including some family members and friends)left on Friday April 15th to go to Tennessee for the weekend to a four-wheeling facility. My daughter and I had went to the movies and stopped at the local ice cream shop. My sister found me and told me what had happened. I have been grieving horribly. I can't eat, sleep or even function normally day to day. I just don't know how do go on without him and wonder if I even want to. He was always my best friend and my shining star. He and I shared such a wonderous love I just don't know what to do. I know he knew and still knows how mcuh I loved him and visa versa. I ask god why all the time. He was smart, handsome, big hearted and had so many friends. If someone who has experienced this horrible kind accident please contact me.

Janice

[donosmom]

Thank you everyone for responding to my post about the Doctor. I wish that society would recognize how much trama there is for the siblings of our children. I realize that JayCee is angry and emotionally trouble and a difficult child right now, but she has lost her grandma and grandpa and brother all in a matter of 5 years and she was extremly close to them all. Our 2 year anniversary, (I hate the sound of that) is coming up July 13 and I really think we are all struggling harder this year. Reality just stinks. Sorry to vent to much, it is just so very very hard to get up and do anything. I keep telling myself Matthew would not want us to be miserable and will feel awful if he felt he was the reason but I just miss him so very much.

Matt's Mom Mary

11-3-79 7-13-2003

[donosmom]

Thank you everyone for responding to my post about the Doctor. I wish that society would recognize how much trama there is for the siblings of our children. I realize that JayCee is angry and emotionally trouble and a difficult child right now, but she has lost her grandma and grandpa and brother all in a matter of 5 years and she was extremly close to them all. Our 2 year anniversary, (I hate the sound of that) is coming up July 13 and I really think we are all struggling harder this year. Reality just stinks. Sorry to vent to much, it is just so very very hard to get up and do anything. I keep telling myself Matthew would not want us to be miserable and will feel awful if he felt he was the reason but I just miss him so very much.

Matt's Mom Mary

11-3-79 7-13-2003

[donosmom]

Thank you everyone for responding to my post about the Doctor. I wish that society would recognize how much trama there is for the siblings of our children. I realize that JayCee is angry and emotionally trouble and a difficult child right now, but she has lost her grandma and grandpa and brother all in a matter of 5 years and she was extremly close to them all. Our 2 year anniversary, (I hate the sound of that) is coming up July 13 and I really think we are all struggling harder this year. Reality just stinks. Sorry to vent to much, it is just so very very hard to get up and do anything. I keep telling myself Matthew would not want us to be miserable and will feel awful if he felt he was the reason but I just miss him so very much.

Matt's Mom Mary

11-3-79 7-13-2003

[donosmom]

Thank you everyone for responding to my post about the Doctor. I wish that society would recognize how much trama there is for the siblings of our children. I realize that JayCee is angry and emotionally trouble and a difficult child right now, but she has lost her grandma and grandpa and brother all in a matter of 5 years and she was extremly close to them all. Our 2 year anniversary, (I hate the sound of that) is coming up July 13 and I really think we are all struggling harder this year. Reality just stinks. Sorry to vent to much, it is just so very very hard to get up and do anything. I keep telling myself Matthew would not want us to be miserable and will feel awful if he felt he was the reason but I just miss him so very much.

Matt's Mom Mary

11-3-79 7-13-2003

[triciasmom]

My beautiful daughter, Tricia, passed away on May 20, 2005. She was 34. It shouldn't have happened, a hospital mistake I'm sure, but it did. I am heartsick. I think of her every moment of every day. Even though I have two other daughters and a beautiful granddaughter, I can't seem to find anything to smile about. Her birthday is coming up, June 11th. I don't know how I will make it through that day. My granddaughter's birthday is June 9th. She will be 10. I can tell that she thinks we are going to forget her birthday. We won't....but it's not going to be the same. I'm having such a hard time coping. Tricia was my first born. Not that they aren't all special, but first borns are in a special category. I need some help coping. I'm not coping very well at all. At least I haven't turned to alcohol or drugs. I've read some of the messages on the board here and I know we are all going through this together. There are so many of us....that's so sad. If anyone has any suggestions to help with the awful pain, please let me know. I'm so heartsick !!!

[julsmom]

triciasmom, as you know there are no words for this terrible pain you are in. Remember you only have to breath for the next 30 seconds, nothing more. Enjoy your other children and your granddaughter. Is she Tricia's child? Smiling and laughing will come back. May you find peace on this journey. Lynda (mother of Julie, age 27, car crash 10/13/03)

[briansdad]

Well here I am again.My wifes brother-inlaw's nephew was killed May 29 2005.He was 25 years old.It just doesn't stop does it.Here is a link to a audio clip I found helpful.I hope it helps some of you.

http://www.ewtn.com/vondemand/audio/resolve.asp?rafile=iq_1605.ra

[encouraged]

Tricia's Mom,

You said, "If anyone has any suggestions to help with the awful pain, please let me know." I try not to give answers unless someone specifically asks. You are right about the awful pain. There are a few things that we can do that helps manage the pain. One thing that has helped me is to talk a close friend whom I can trust with my emotions. Then, our family doctor listened to me. One of the ministers at our church was also a help. A counselor who has the proper training and experience can help, too.

The main thing to do is to let someone who can help you know how terrible you feel. I tried in the beginning to hide my sadness from many of my friends. Finally, I learned that people could see it even when I tried to hide it. Look around and find a family member or a friend whom you can ask to help you through today. Then, tomorrow, do the same thing again as long as you need help. People want to help us. Sometimes we have to be very specific and tell family and friends what we need. I still have to tell my family and friends how to help me even though it has been two years since our son died.

For you, it has been two weeks. You could still be in shock. I think I was in shock for months. Please know that I care and will be remembering you in my prayers.

Wanda

[proudmomov2]

I lost my first born and only son on April 15th. He was 22 and still lived at home. He went with some guys for the weekend to Tennessee on a four-wheeling trip. My husband,(Scott's stepfather)and close friends were among the 50 people

who went. They left on Friday morning at 5:00 a.m. The last thing I said to my son was have fun, be careful and I love you. Little did I know that would be the last time I ever saw his wonderful smile. He was such a great person, he had a big heart and could always make you laugh. He was my life. I don't know how to go on without him or even if I want to. I feel more lost and alone everyday. Scott and I were best friends and we shared a bond I never knew with my parents. I still have Scott's 16 year old sister here and I feel I am letting her down because I'm so wrapped up in my loss. I can't eat, get any kind of normal sleep, and cry almost all the time. I would love to talk with someone who has gone through a similiar crisis and maybe give me some insight on how to go on.

Lost Mom

[daveydow1]

Proudmomov2, Briansdad, and Triciasmom,

So very sorry to hear of your recent loss. I pray that

you can somehow find some sort of comfort in these very

early days when shock and pain are so terrible. Peace

be with each of you.

[Artina]

Proudmomov2, Briansdad, and Triciasmom,

I am so sorry for each one of your losses. I couldn't believe how many new members we had in just one day. Too many gone...

I have been a member of Beyond Indigo for over three years now. I lost my son Jan 4, 02, from injuries sustained in a snowmobile accident. I felt like I was going to die, but with some of the tools I recieved from parent's on Beyond Indigo I was able to keep moving. I took each minute, one minute at a time. I didn't let anybody put any expectations upon me and I still don't. I talked with supportive friends, made sure to eat, sleep and drink plenty of water. The basic functions were hard, but necessary.

Please know that we care and understand you pain. It is a difficult road that nobody should go through on their own. We are all here for the same reasons and we need each other. Talk about whatever it is you need to, to get through each minute.

Peace to you, Tina

[Mazey2]

Tricia's Mom, Proudmomof2, There are no words to help right now. But, please know we all care and share the huge loss of a child with you. Parents here are all at different time levels. But, those of us a ways down the rode still remember all to vividly the initial PAIN, shock,incredible loss and all the horror that goes with the early days, weeks, months. We are here for you to say whatever you need to say. AND, with each word and feeling you share you are being SO understood and cared for. There are no certain ways to lessen the pain....time passes and the huge wound isn't AS painful. Take your time....and feel what you need to feel. Cry when you need to, scream when you need to. We are hear to listen and share......Sharing,Linda (I lost my first born and only Son 4/3/02)

[encouraged]

Brian's Dad,

Thanks for the web site. It is encouraging how someone who has not lost a child has such great understanding. I listened to every word of the audio tape.

God bless you,

Wanda

[kathy714]

To all that have recent losses my heart goes out to you ,and i will pray for you .I have not been on for a week and can not believe all the new postings.It has been a very emotional week,this is the time of year when Nathan,my husband and i use to go to alot of Bluegrass Festivals.Last weekend,my husband and i went to our first festival without Nathan,just opening up the camper was very differcult,we found many things that belonged to Nathan.i think it was hard for my husband because ,Nathan and my husband would always drive up together,and Nathan would help my husband open up the camper.Then Sunday we went to a wedding that Nathan was suppose to be in,the bride and groom did 2 very special things in Nathan's memory,which was very nice and very emotional though.Next is Fathers day,i am really worried about how my husband is going to deal with this ,because Nathan was my husband's only biological child,we have one older son which my husband raised since he was three.My prayers go out to all the fathers on this site.

[rhonda68]

I want to send a big hug to everyone. I am so so sorry for all the recent losses it is such heartache. I am so happy for this site it is one thing that helps me cope as I do not get much support and I really need it. When we go threw such a trajic event we need all the support we can get to help us threw. I was awake all night thinking about my son I don't know that I can go on without him. They say it takes time to heal but I am just getting worse and missing him so much.

Thinking of all of you,

Richards Mom

[triciasmom]

My thanks go out to all of you for your support. I am having a very difficult day at work. It is the first "occasion" since Tricia passed away (May 20)and I have to try to make it alright. It's my beautiful granddaughter, Hannah's, 10th birthday. She is the only light I can see right now. I am so fortunate that she and her mom (my daughter Amy) live with me. I have one other daughter (Missy) who is also having a really bad time after the loss of her sister. We are having a small family dinner tomorrow night for Hannah. She seems to be concerned that we will forget her birthday. But I think my mind is thinking already of Saturday the 11th. It is Tricia's birthday. On Mother's Day (and what a beautiful day it was), she said "What a beautiful day to fly a kite" So...hopefully with a little wind...we plan to fly kites in the park. I don't know how I will get through the day. I don't know how I get through any day. The pain is eating away at me. It's all I can think of. I miss her so much !!

[daveydow1]

Rhonda68,

I am thinking of you in your sorrow and difficulty in

making it through the day. I hope & pray you can find

some comfort. I try to think of all the good things

about my son David, but am hoping I can get through

Davey's angel day coming up June 14. This site has helped

me a lot also. I usually read the posts regularly, and

just knowing that all of us walk the same path makes me

feel not so isolated. I feel for you and the tragic loss

of your son. Peace & comfort to you.

[briansdad]

Today is my grandaughters 6th birthday her first without her Daddy.Man I'm so tired of all the firsts you have to go through when you lose someone.She was everything to her Daddy.I remember how excited he was last year.He gave her a two wheeler bike.The best money could buy.Nothing was too good for his girl.She misses him so much.She talks of him all the time.

Email: championpilot@aol.com

[rmcaggiano]

I lost my son Nicholas on May 8th, he is 21, since that morning my life has been lost, I can't bear whatever this is, it's sheer anguish, I feel like I'm going to collapse and everyday is getting worse. I miss my son to the point of feeling like I'm going to breakdown. When I wake everymorning I am hoping it's a terrible dream, but it's not, he's still gone. I'm not sure why God has taken him away from me, but, this anguish is too much to bear, it is an open wound that has taken my son and I know he is never coming out. I have searched and searched for someone or anyone who can possibly know what I'm talking about. I'm not even sure if I'm writing to the correct place, I do know I would like to talk with someone or anyone. Because it's not getting easier, my heart aches for Nicholas more and more and more. Life is nothing anymore and I am going on because I have two daughter's and my grandson who is Nicholas' son.

[Artina]

Briansdad,

It sounds like your son was a great father... one that his daughter will never forget.

The "first" are hard. I found the days leading up to a specific date were more difficult than the day itself (speaking for myself). I decided after a couple of those "first" to give myself permission to just be in those "first", for the first year. I know your grandaugter's birthday is not something you want to just sit back on, but all the other first may be. It's okay to have that conversation with yourself and give yourself permission to just get through your "first" this year and then maybe next year you can "do" something to mark specific dates.

Do what works for you... that's the key.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Triciasmom,

My heart hurts for you. I think flying a kite with your grandaughter is a great idea... She will get so caught up in the kite flying that hopefully she won't be thinking about anything else. However, I know it will still be difficult for you. I think by choosing to do something that she enjoys, you

won't have to put out as much energy to make sure she is having a good day.

My thoughts are with you, Tina

[Artina]

Rmcaggiano,

Please know how sorry I am. The loss of a child is very difficult. When we love as deep as we do for a child- it hurts when we lose them. I lost my son a little over three years ago and when I was reading your post, I heard my own cry. I felt the same way. Take a deep breath and hang on. I did the very basic functions for the first year; breathe, drink water, eat, sleep, and if you have a supportive friend- talk. These steps only kept me going, they didn't take away the pain. Time helped with the pain. Some how time helps ease the severity of the pain. Yes, I miss my son, I still cry, and I hurt, but it's not every minute of everyday like you are experiencing right now. I can't really explain it, but it does get better.

Please know that Beyond Indigo parents, who have lost a child too, are the most caring and encouraging people you will ever talk to. I have found this group of people to be my lifeline during a time of complete fear and isolation. We help each other through this- you are not alone!

Peace to you, Tina

P.S., I too have a living child and he was, and is, my purpose.

[triciasmom]

Briansdad:

We both have granddaughters with June 9th birthdays. Hannah was just 10 yesterday. But it is her Aunt Tricia who passed away on May 20th. Tricia's birthday is tomorrow and I dread the day. We are going to fly kites for her in the park because on Mother's Day she said "What a beautiful day to fly a kite". She had never said anything like that before. Hannah and Tricia were close. Hannah and my daughter Amy live with me, thankfully, and keep me company. Tricia stayed with us for awhile and so they were very close.

Rmcaggiano:

I am so sorry about the loss of your son. I feel just as you do. Devastated, sometimes am not able to move, eat or sleep. Mornings are very hard. I think it is because when we am able to sleep, we are at peace and when we wake, reality hits hard. I used to love mornings....not any more. I don't even like the sound of the birds chirping. I hurt so deeply inside that nothing brings me any joy at all. The only thing that somewhat helps me now is to get so busy into something that I don't think. I went outside and worked in the yard after we buried Tricia and stayed there for 9 hours, sweating and working. It did help somewhat, but came back with a vengeance when I was in the shower. I am going to a Compassionate Friends meeting. I heard it was very good for those who have lost children. That loss is very, very hard. It's not natural, they're not supposed to go before us. My heart is sick and broken, just like yours. I have several friends (surprisingly 5) who have lost children and one who lost a grandchild to SIDS. I will definitely want to talk to them and see how they managed to get through this and heal a little. One did tell me that time helped. They never forget and sometimes it comes back very hard, but the pain subsides and they are able to carry on for all the other loved ones in their lives. I need to talk to them and be reassured that this can happen. I do not see it now. I share in your grief and hopefully we can both heal.

God Bless You

[daveydow1]

Rmcaggiano,

I am so sorry that you lost your dear son so recently. The

early days that you are in now are so very crushing and

painful. My son died 2 yrs. ago, coming up on June 14.

Everyone here knows your sorrow. There are no words that

anyone can say to take away your pain. Be kind to yourself,

and do what you need to do to take care of yourself. I hope

that this site may help in some small way. Peace be with you.

[Mazey2]

RM...

I am sorry for the loss of your child. Visit here often it can help. Those first few hours, days, weeks, months are so hard. Time does ease the excrutiating pain. Like Artina, my Son had been gone a little over 3 years ago. There are days that are horrible, and every day there is loss. But, somehow, days become more tolerable. You won't get there easy or overnight, but you can have days of less pain. This is only to encourage those of you who have recently loss your child, and to let you know "we" have been there. I can remember wanting to just curl up and shut down. But, my daughter was there, feeling her own pain AND watching my pain. So, kinda "had to" keep on. I didn't want to cause her more pain...But, certainly would have my mourning moments. I said I learned the meaning of weeping....Take it a day at a time, and try to get thru it-hour by hour. That's all you can do. Do what you need to do, being sobbing, screaming, or taking time to just go off and mourn. There are some good books when you are ready that offer some things to think about and help you. Some talk to close friends or counselors who are trained to help us with this monumental pain. MOSTLY, know you have found friends here who can share your feelings....Sharing, Linda

Rhonda, would you please email me back! I am worried about you....

Artina, I am always so glad you are here.......'"42" and "37" Mom's' trying to help others who are here. Don't we wish we could take all the pain away. But, so glad they have found this site. We know how much it helped us.

Kirk, Your article was so "right on"! Hope you are still hanging in there...You were such an inspiration for me. Linda

[enufalreddy]

My son passed away at 32 years old April 19 of this year.I am not having very many good days yet.I am not crying 24/7 like the first month but it is still so cutting.And I never know what will set me off.There have been an unordinary number of family and friends who have passed in the last few years...last 3 especially.This is like the last straw and I feel like my haystack is tumbling.I love him so and I want him back so badly. Crying now and can't see. Hope to hear from someone.

[heartbrokendad]

Dear RMCAGGIANO,

Please know that we all care here, and we are all going through the same feelings that you are having now.

I lost my daughter in november 2002, and my son in july 2003, she was 35, and he was 31. She died from a drug o.d., and he was a recovering addict who developed a blood clot in his heart.

The pain is always there, and some days are worse than others...today I go and see the stone for their grave, they are buried together...I hope I can keep it together....

If you want to talk, email me at swalton@mah.harvard.edu.

Just take one hour at a time.....

peace and love to you and yours...

stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[Artina]

Mazey2,

Yes... I do wish that I could take their pain away. I don't know what I would have done, after the loss of my son, if I wouldn't have found this site. I just needed to know that I wasn't the "only" parent who had lost a child... now I know all to well how often it happens. Sad reality.

Peace to all, Tina

[Artina]

Enufalreddy,

I am sorry for your loss. Your sign in name says volumes about how most of us parents feel here on Beyond Indigo (enough already). We are here for each other and we offer whatever tools we have to help ease the pain.

Peace to you, Tina