Loss of an Adult Child

[bigmikesmom]

Dear Avril,

What you just wrote sounds like me to a T. I share exactly those same feelings. I am going to try and go back to work, a new job(by the way) next week. I too have been unable to work for the past 14 months, after the loss of my dear Mikey nov 23 2006, he was 20 yrs old. If you have been reading the posts I have posted a few times then you know my story. I too have terrible flashbacks and I try so hard to shake those as soon as they come into my head. I wish I could be there and we could hug each other and cry if we want too.I will include you in my prayers.I don't know what else I can do to help you but maybe just you knowing that someone else can sympathize with your feelings will help a little.Any time you feel like talking please do. I will listen.

BigMikesMom-Patti

[bigmikesmom]

Beccas mom and Mikesmum,

I read your posts about the autopsy report. I wanted to ask a question,now that you have read the report do you wish you hadn't? I am asking because somewhere deep inside me I want to get the autopsy report. I do know the coroner told me Mikey died instantly of a torn aorta(heart). The breathing I witnessed was just probably what they call agonal breathing, anyways I just wondered if I should requst the report or is it better left with the information I have. I know they will be showing the autopsy pictures in court during the upcoming trial for the guy that killed Mike.Thanks for helping me with this decision based on your experiences.

BigMikesMom-Patti

[summergirl]

Hello to all - how true it is that we lose mentally, physicaly, emotional and so many other truama's that can never be experienced by those who have not lost a child. No matter how hard we try to "explain" how and what we feel they just do not get it and although I could scream I guess in a way I am glad that they do not "get it" as that would mean they too have lost as we have. I am going through an emotional time with my husband's family - they are "quiet" people, do not like to talk about anything that might upset the "way" they live - sort of like if we don't talk about it or think about it then it really isn't happening and we can just go on about our daily lives as though every thing is as it always was. I try hard not to get upset as I love them all and they have been there for us every step of the way but now have decided that it is time to "move on" and I just will not except that, I will not pretend that all is fine just to make them happy or fit their life style, they need to realize that my life is no longer as it was and never will be again and if they would just talk to me they might understand better. If I try to talk about Jessica they turn their heads or change the subject or act like I am not talking so I don't try any more. Maybe some day they will stop thinking about how they feel, they will stop being uncomfortable in my presence for fear of what I might say or do and they will actually listen. I keep hoping but not holding my breath. As Jessica's Angel date looms closer I am feeling such saddness and lonliness - feeling that "overwhelming" what do I do. Jessica's friends are planning a sort of candle light ceremony. Jessica loved the beach and she had a special one that we all went to and she named it "bubba beach" - so we are all meeting there and they are bringing 28 candles to light and balloons to let go. A part of me is so happy that they want to do this and the other part of me just wants to be alone and let the "day" be what it is, however, I cannot dissappoint them as they all came over and asked if it was ok and they really want us there. Send me strength-----------

I will say goodnight and leave you with this -

If one day you feel like crying, call me, I cannot promise that I will make you laugh but I can cry with you -

If one day you want to run away, call me, I cannot promise that I will ask you to stop but I can run with you -

If one day you do not want to listen, call me, I promise to be there for you and I promise to remain quiet -

But - if one day you call me and I do not answer - come fast to me - perhaps I need you.

Prayers and Peace to all - Kathy

I love you my sweet, beautiful daughter and long to hold you in my arms and feel your heart beat - forever missing you - mom 

[mamabets]

For All~ Oh, how we could write the book...

I just got back from a weekend in Florida, seeing all of my nieces and nephews, now with babies of their own. It was so amazing, not to mention that our little Caroline has learned how to walk in Wisconsin...Julia got glasses this weekend...

All of the things that my little Danny did, right before my Jackie, all of the things that he was supposed to do, that she is doing.

Life was just not to be this way for him. It was so glaring this weekend.

A long, sometimes so excrutiatingly painful, life... I realized coming home on the plane that I laughed with my siblings until we cried, I entertained them all with my humor, and I never once looked at a palm tree...

Danny left his "heart" signs a couple of times, and it was very sweet...

Just a roller coaster of emotions. My 82 year old mother's bookcase decorated with so many memories in photos..My life, then and now...

My dear Erma..Crazy, no- The FUNNIEST person yet to be found on this journey?? Without question. I love you and thank you for your honesty from day one, and your love and laughter to back it all up...My kind of grieving  parent..One that we all need. Honest and straight from the heart and hip, whichever may come first at any given time.

My Kathy...You know me as well as I know me, because we know the darkest hours of the night time together. All I DO know is that we have carried each other through so much, and We WILL be with our angels again. I love you and am glad to be home for you~

For daveydow1~ See, somehow we are all "finding our way back" to each other, so we can help to soften this journey for our newcomers. It is hard to believe that within every second of every hour of every day, this is happening to some dear family...I love you and your gentleness..

For the rest, follow us. We are here, we "get it", and we love like you have never known love. It will forever be our babies speaking through all of our hearts. There is such compassion, continuous compassion and understanding here. Unspoken, honest, love... The purest way our angels are showing us to do this...

It must be~ I have no other answers. Sometimes it's as if I hear Danny say "It's our calling for now, Mom"

So, I say "OK"

Some things never change, and whenever he would speak to me when I needed help emotionally, I would say "You're right...OK" 

LOVE

mamabets

[enufalreddy]

Betsy...so glad you're back!! Just not the same around here without you.There are so many lovely new folks here too.I stayed away too long.Have been so depressed I thought coming back here might help.Still depressed but I'm glad I revisited BI.Feb.16 Walt would have been 35 years old.Every time I turn around lately I think I see him.In Walmart or in a picture on the web.Even on television.Just for a second...then I realize again...it can't be.Still after almost 3 years I want to hold him and tell him everything will be ok.Stop this foolishness and raise your daughter.I love you.I did say those things to him but the drugs and booze and lifestyle had him prisoner.He is free now.Sometimes I don't think I can wait until I can see him. I want to be there now.If not for my girls and my grandkids I'd be there with him.Someday I will be anyway.In God's time..not mine.In the meantime I keep spoiling those grands and baking cakes and cookies.That's what Grandmas are for right?I wish you all peace.Isn't that what we are all searching for?A little happiness,a little peace of mind.To know that we are not alone and that we are loved.The burden is lessened when shared.A temporary reprieve from the nagging sadness in my gut.However temporary at least a moments rest.My beautiful Walter,in the arms of the Angels.It must be a state of sublime serenity.Like floating in a cloud all warm and comfortable and safe.Someday we will know that feeling for ourselves and be able to share it with our boys.

[mikesmum]

But - if one day you call me and I do not answer - come fast to me - perhaps I need you.

Kathy - Have read your posting and your pain is palpable.  The world moves on, but we here, unable to make the progression everyone seems so sure we need.  It is not a choice, it is now our lives.  Part of us is missing and we are standingfast.

Your words took my breath, my tears fall and I am with you knowing your heart is broken and may never mend.

As always, I can only offer my experience with a hope that it may give you strength to make it through another insurmountable day of grieving for your beloved Jess.....

The candles on the beach, the balloons, you must do.  I remember with Mikes angel day getting the balloons, taking them to my daughters house, each of us knowing as we released them Mike was watching, waiting to catch a balloon.  The emotions were raw, open, honest and cleansing. 

I wish you strength, energy and comfort - knowing while your life has changed forever, your daughter is close, look into Tavians eyes, she is there.  Her light shines brighter for knowing you and having you as her guide.

Blessed be - Trudi

[mamabets]

For enufalready~ I was watching Entertainment Tonight earlier and they had a clip of a documentary that Alana Stewart is doing on Farrah Fawcett through her cancer ordeal...

She, Farrah, was "taking a day off" from the chemo, and was running through this open space, with MAGNIFICENT, {this must be fake}, views surrounding her. They were not fake, and I told a dear friend from our "world" tonight..."MY GOD..She is as close to Heaven as any of us can get to."

I am not kidding...I looked at this bumbling TV of mine, here on Earth, and said to myself..."THAT'S where our angels hang out, and if Danny is there, I can do this here for him."

It was very surreal, this moment. I smiled a warm smile. There were these mountains EVERYWHERE- I LIVE near mountains, and I have never seen anything so magnificent. Photos maybe, but Farrah Fawcett was really THERE!!!

Keep the faith because not only will we see them again, their existence is clearly amazing. 

When it hits, it is agonizing. God awful, as they say. But, that is here...The other side is Heavenly as Heavenly can be..

Just hanging out among beautiful shades of blue, smiles galore...

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For summergirl~ Unfortunately, you find many within your immediate circle that, for whatever reason, seem to "move on" and make you feel as if they would leave you in the middle of the ocean to fend for yourself.

While I know this feeling all too well, I have learned because of it, where to go for comfort and where to COMPLETELY stay away from Emotionally.

I have suffered an unfathomable loss. All of us have, and my theory was for such a long time..."If you do not "get it", and you love me, and you have been in my life/family for decades now, go buy a book. The self help aisle is full of them, and it is titled compassion"

But, you know what? You find in time, Kathy, that you really don't want to "lead" them into your wounded heart. The only people that you want there are the ones that do their very best to let you be YOU, and certainly, pass no judgement...Judgement that cuts even deeper. Grief is exhausting and shallow individuals leave the sinking ship...

UGH!!!

We sometimes become wearier at times, over time. Your circle of love and CONSTANT support remains intact, and will continue to surround you. If you can, stick with what works, and if certain people in your life don't join you on this painful part of your journey, too bad for them. Just keep on. You are doing an AMAZING walk, as it is impossible to even stand, let alone put one foot in front of the other.

LOVE

mamabets

 

[bigmikesmom]

Trudy, Mamabets andKathy,

Did I say something to offend all of you. Is there a reason you do not acknowledge or even answer my questions and posts. i am truly sorry if Isaid anything to offend you. I do not post alot but I do read.I asked Mikesmum a question last night but have not gotten a response.If I was out of line please at least acknowledge that you woulkd rather not answer, at least acknowledge me. Mamabets you were even sending me private e-mails and now nothing. Thank you for listening .

BigMikesMom-Patti

[mamabets]

For Bigmikesmom~ HEAVENS no!!!!! I do the very best that I can to answer all, but sometimes I fall short. I won't apologize, as i feel that I do a really great job answering to all, most of the time.

Given that we are all in the same boat here, I often post to all at once.

I shut down sometimes and don't even get on the computer. That is my way of getting up some strength. This grief walk is unlike any other.

LOVE

mamabets

[mikesmum]

Patti - No you haven't offended me.......there are times when a subject or post hit harder and responses aren't easy.  The fact that the company I worked for have subpeanoed Mikes Coroners file in relation to whether I was 'working' the day he died' really hit me.

For me, I  prepared myself mentally to receive Mikes autopsy and subsequent findings.  I distanced myself from my family including my husband. (I actually took an overnight trip).  I couldn't have any emotional 'pulls' on me or I wouldn't have been able to read or absorb what was written.

Do I wish I had never read it?  Well I guess I am in clinical denial that the information was related to that handsome face you see on my Atvar.  But no, part of losing Mike is wanting to know why and how he died.  Unfortunately, his report raised more questions than it gave answers. 

If you don't need to and have no experience in death and the clinical practises I wouldn't advise reading your childs autopsy report.  It truly is something that is cold and clinical.  It dehumanises the person, the one you love and the one you wanted most to hold and protect.  That is where the damage is done.......

If you need to 'know' anything, speak with a compassionate medico that understands your needs and is able to deliver the information in a way that you will be able to cope.

Blessed be - Trudi

[summergirl]

Patti - I truely agree with Trudi on the autopsy report - but first - it is as Trudi says - some questions hit harder then others and it takes time to reply - please do not feel as though anyone is angry with you - being angry defeats our purpose here on BI and it saddens me to think that anyone here would get "angry" with anyone.

 When I received Jessica's autopsy report I was so scared yet anxious to recieve it - when I was alone and began the "process" of reading it I realized that I had no idea what I was reading and the parts I did understand tore my heart in two and I remember thinking how I needed to just put it away and never look at it again because I do not want to know what they did to my beautiful daughter. Whether I understood it or not I know now that I would never have opened it - I would have put it away. Please take Trudi's advice on this one. I know how something can nag at you and you think you want the answer only to find out it was better left alone.

Peace be with you and what ever your decision our Prayers are with you.

Hugs and Blessed Be - Kathy

[mikesmum]

Patti - Just thinking more on the idea of your sons report........torn Aorta and Agonal breathing is just about all you truly need.  Clinically, it was a no win injury.  Emotionally, it would not have be enough to know Mike (your son) did not suffer.

As Kathy said, you just don't need to know the procedures carried out.  They truly bare no relevance or give no answer that will ease the pain of losing your son.......

Be kind to yourself........if you were with Mike as he found his way to peace, than that truly is something to be thankful for no matter how hard it may have been.....

 

 

[daveydow1]

Hello to all,

In regards to coroner's reports, I don't think I will ever want to see Dave's

report. As Trudi said, it can be very clinical and dehumanizing.  After Davey's

death, I was sent the full report from the MedEvac company that transported

his body to a level 1 trauma center.  The report went into many many details

which upset me terribly. Of course, being from the healthcare field, I realized

that they must document all details, but I also understood all those details,

and was traumatized all over again. I did not ask for the report, and only

realized what I was reading after getting into it a bit. This is only my opinion,

and each must do as they think best for themselves. Peace to all here at BI.

                                                          Daveysmom,   Sherry 

[summergirl]

Hello to all - I am going to try to post a picture one more time - this one is for you Trudi - it is Tavian at Bubba Beach - I hope it works as I have had some trouble the last couple of times.

Peace and Hugs to all - Kathy

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Patti,  I can only add that the details that came out in Joey's coroner's inquest made me wish I never knew the details.  Details don't change the outcome, and it took me some time to get through the nightmares of those details I learned.  To this day and for the rest of my life I will never be able to shake the horrible details that like Trudi said, only left me with more questions and more pain.  I had to pray a lot for the Lord to replace my nightmares and haunting thoughts with images of eternity and things that really matter.  I am thankful those prayers continue to be answered, but it hasn't been an easy road.  Just last night I had a detail-related dream, out of the blue...  When that happens, it always sets me back a few paces.  I think it's a personal choice, and one that must be lived with after making it.  All I can say really is to PRAY for wisdom in making your decision.  Going with God should lead you to some peace with whatever you ultimately decide.  I pray that would be so...  HUGS, Claudia

[mamabets]

For bigmikesmom~ I never saw the autopsy report on my Danny, the accident report had so many questions within it, and the homicide investigation report was very, very painful to read.

There can never be a happy ending for us left here to carry on, but like all have said, it is a personal decision. Many feel as if they "have" to know, and in my case, I  definately do not need to know anymore.

The best advice I can give to you is to just follow your own heart. For each of us, whether it be through circumstances, the law, or both, the reports are just that...Reports put together by well meaning people, we hope, that never knew and will never know all that we do as compassionate parents.

LOVE

mamabets

[loveyoujustin]

Hi everyone,  I have not posted in a really long time, and I usually post on the teenager thread.  It just seems so hard to do lately, but I do read, and I do think about "my family" here, all of you, and I do know without a doubt, that without the compassionate people here, who open their hearts and souls, I don't think I could have gone through the last 6 months without you.

I want to thank you Patti, bigmike'smom for your question.  We too are awaiting the autopsy report.  All of these months, for some reason unbeknownst to me, I thought I really wanted to see it.  After reading the heartfelt opinions to your question, I have decided that I do not need to know the "details" as it will only haunt me more, and cause me to "relive" the accident in my mind over and over again, even more than I already do.  Nothing will bring Justin home to me.  He is Home, free and at peace in Paradise, and I will just continue to look forward to the day when I see him again.  So thank you to you Patti, and all of you who took the courage to open your hearts and recall that one additional painful event on this heartbreaking journey.  You have helped me immensely, and I am grateful.

With Love and hopes for Peace to all,  Trish

[mamabets]

For loveyoujustin~ Bless your heart...You are so right when you say that all of this takes courage, but isn't it so helpful that we have each other to bounce these things off of??

And, the deep down, hearfelt honesty is so critical for us all.

The day will one day come when all of this, they say, will be but a blink, and none of it will matter when we get to our babies and hold them again.

Faith...Faith....Faith!!!

LOVE

mamabets 

[bigmikesmom]

Thanks to all of you for helping me with this decision. God Bles you all !

BigMikesMom-Patti

[mamabets]

For summergirl~ What an AMAZING picture of sweet little Tavian...

A picture says a thousand words?? Here, it has written the book... It's as if Jess is right there, so close that it feels as if you can almost touch her.

I have had that feeling so many times, and I feel it deeply now. You can "touch" her smile, and Tavian will show all of you the way~

LOVE

mamabets

 

[mikesmum]

Kathy - Thank you so much for the Bubba Beach and the amazing Tavian.  Its as if he is looking to the sky for Jess, I know she is beaming down on him, warming her with her light. 

I believe the young can feel and receive much more than we can.  Zak did the day we released Mikes balloons.  He was sure Mike was there, waiting for a balloon, he just knew it.   Stevens baby girl Jeya, 1 year old can be heard at night, talking and giggling in her cot.  He says he watches her sometimes, she is not distressed, on the contrary she seems to be playing with someone!  He is sure its Mike!

I am so there with you at Bubba beach......I will sprout wings. 

 

[mamabets]

For All~ Here is a picture of my niece Alison's little girl, Sarah.. Alison KNOWS that she sees Danny and follows him around...

LOVE

mamabets

[mikesmum]

[user=12239]mamabets[/user] wrote:

For All~ Here is a picture of my niece, Alison's little girl, Sarah.. Alison KNOWS that she sees Danny and follows him around...

LOVE

mamabets

Betsy - innocence......it is something to treasure.....Just as Jeya sees Mike, I know Alison sees Danny....just look at her eyes........

Thanks for sharing this beautiful baby

 

[mamabets]

For mikesmum~ Little Sarah's birth announcement had her looking all around too!!!!!

Danny passed over in June of 2004 and Sarah was born in February of 2006.

My Jackie also says that she sees Danny when she looks into Caroline's eyes...Caroline will be a year next month...

Julia has always had stories about her Uncle. Julia is Jackie's 8 year old, my very first grand baby!!

LOVE

mamabets

[kathy714]

Hi Sherry,Thank you so much for thinking of me me on Nate's birthday/3rd anniversary,I still can't believe it has been 3 years and that my beautiful Nathan would of been 24 years old.I wonder everyday what would he be like now ,maybe starting a family ,or maybe still just living at home driving me crazy,lol.Which i think all the time how much i miss him driving me crazy,he was my best friend and  he always enjoyed doing things with me.....Thank you also for thinking of John,he also passed jan 9th ,day before his birthday,i truely believe Nathan couldn't watch his dad suffer anymore and took John to celebrate his birthday with him in heaven....I will be back to posting on BI ,it was to much when John was so sick,all my concentration was on taking care of him,....God Bless and take care,Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[summergirl]

Hello all - I have been busy with Tavian - very clingy this whole week - I used to think that he had no idea of time and in reality he does not - yet I feel he knows that this is around the time he lost his mommy. I am assuming that because she passed exactly one week after we celebrated his 4th birthday it is how he feels it and knows it. Every night this week as we lay in his bed waiting for sleep to come to him he grabs my pinkie and says "mi-mi, pinky swear that you will not leave me, you will be here when I wake up" and I answer "of course I will" and then he says "you can sleep in my bed all night if you want to" - my heart breaks for him as I it scares me so to tell him that "I will always be here" as I thought my daughter would always be here - I feel as though I am promising him something I have no control over yet I cannot and will not tell him anything different. He is so fragile when night time comes how could I possibly tell him I won't be there for him????? One time he asked me what I was going to do when he got "old like me" (I guess 51 is very old in his eyes) and without thinking I said "oh, mi-mi will probably be in Heaven" - the next thing I know he is sobbing and holding me so tight and saying "don't go mi-mi, please don't go to Heaven, you can't go untill I tell you"!! So - you understand how I just cannot tell him that I will ever leave him. I look to God for answer's that are not there.

I am dreading the upcoming Angel Date of the 18th - I pray that I am strong enough to get throught the candle light memorial her friends are doing for her - I am so happy/so sad that they want to remember her in such a beautiful way - they have posted it on her MySpace web site so I have no idea how many will show - each will bring a candle of their choice and we will all light them at the same time and let the balloons go to Heaven - two years without my Jessica is a lifetime - I miss her so much every minute and pray for some peace of mind.

mamabets - your niece Sarah is so beautiful and what gorgeous eyes she has - she is seeing something only the pure and innocent can see - so blessed you are.

Trudi - I will send you a hug from Bubba Beach - I know I will feel you there giving me "strength" - I am sure my Jessica has met your Micheal and that makes me smile.

Blessed Be to all and Prayers - I will post another picture I have of Bubba Beach later - it is of me, Jessica and a friend lounging in the water on our chairs - very hot day!! Oh how I wish my Jessica and I could do that again - in my memories!! Kathy

[simonsmam]

For Summergirl,   Your accounts of your grandson really touch my heart. My main ambition in life was always to be a gran. I now have 5 grandchildren and another due in 6 weeks. When Simon died I was absolutely devastated that we would never see him have children. My 6ft 7 in ‘gentle giant’ would have made such a wonderful dad. He adored our first grandchild who was born on his 20^th birthday and so enjoyed taking her out (she has the same name as your lovely daughter too.)

My husband was glad that no child was left behind to grow up without their father. However, over the last 20 months, our views have moved towards each other’s really. I would so like a little part of him here. My younger daughter’s 3 year old little boy reminds everyone of Simon though and is getting more like him all the time.Other people can see it too but are afraid to mention it to us in case it upsets us. I find it so lovely that a part of Simon will live on but it catches me unawares sometimes and the tears usually start to flow.

 

I think you are doing an amazing job with little Tavian. My heart goes out to you when I read what he says about his mum. You have the unenviable task of being honest with him, let him grieve in his own way and provide him with a ‘normal’ happy childhood while at the same time you have to cope with your own grief.

 

Like you, we are fast approaching the second anniversary in May. My little granddaughter has to celebrate her birthday and also visit the cemetery to take ‘Uncle Sim’ his birthday badge. She also took him a large slice of her birthday cake ! She was so brave last year. Their birthdays are on May 15^th and his anniversary 5 days later on May 20^th.We had decided to let off balloons and when I asked her what colour she said blue and green because they were his favourite colours because he had told her !! I’m not sure if they were but they really did look beautiful as they soared into the sky! She also rang me one day to say that she had been thinking and thought that we could write messages for Simon and tie them onto the balloons. She had never experienced anything like this before and I thought it was a lovely idea from an 8 year old. This year I’m thinking of having some bubbles for the little ones to send to Simon too. I’m sure little Jess will come up with another fab idea again. Sometimes I think the children, in all their innocence sometimes show us the way.  

 

I just wanted to reach out to you and tell how we cope with our loss while helping our little ones to deal with their grief yet remember Simon. We are a very close family. My daughters and their families live close by and we seem them most days. Tavian has lost so much but he is blessed to have such a strong, loving grandmother and the rest of your family. I wish you all well and will continue to follow your postings with fondness.

 

Love Avril X

[loveyoujustin]

MamaBets:  Just had to tell you what a beautiful child Sarah is!  I actually got "goosebumps" looking at her picture.

Love To All,  Trish

[mamabets]

For justinsmom~ Thank you, and yes...Isn't she just amazing how she looks up like that?? This is anything but an everyday pose.  She is a very busy little one, and then all of a sudden, she will get still, and look very deep into her surroundings...

My niece, Alison, her Mommy, gets BLOWN AWAY when she gets certain expressions. Alison KNOWS that she is "following" Danny...has done this since birth...She will be two next month...

My grandaughter Caroline does it too...Jackie can show her pictures of Danny and she will make these "incredible sounds", Jackie says...

Jackie has caught her looking over Joshs' shoulder, when lying on her back, watching intently...Josh is her Daddy, my son in law...

We all KNOW that these little babies knew Danny before they knew us....

Plus there is Madeline, Sarah's little sister, and Audrey, my nephew's new little one...She is 8 weks old, Madeline, 5 months. 

All of our sweet angels are together, Trish...Know it and hang on tight!! They are in their land of make believe come true, I call it... Still, so often impossible for us here. Who would have thought that all of us would have found ourselves gathering here like this??

When there are no answers, it becomes so crystal clear that when we get to where our boys are, none of this pain will accompany us.

I will keep sharing these sweet baby pics for everyone to see. I hope that they help~ They really do make one "believe" that you "know" what you know!!

LOVE

mamabets

[enufalreddy]

You are all so precious to me. I don't have to be alone in my grief journey as long as I stay connected here.The little ones are beautiful.So pure and uncorrupted in their thoughts and so open with their feelings.Walter's birthday is a week from today.The first year after he passed his daughter Sarah came to stay for a couple of days for her Dad's birthday and we did what she wanted.So we baked him a cake and Sarah decorated it herself.I didn't think I would live through singing Happy Birthday to my dead son without falling totally apart. I cried but I didn't become a blithering idiot as I had imagined.Couldn't for Sarah's sake.But what a beautiful moment shared by me and Sarah.It's strange how something can be so devastating yet so spiritually beautiful.She was so happy to have made this cake for her Daddy.Some of the kids will be on winter recess next week or the week after.I'm thinking of calling and see if Sarah wants to come and celebrate her Daddy's birthday with me here.She can choose the way we celebrate.I need a "dose" of Sarah anyway.And she loves to come and cook with Grandma.The old wheels are turning now.I'm so very sorry you are all here for the same reason I am but thank God I'm not alone. 

[mikesmum]

enufalreddy - You are most certainly not alone on your journey, we walk with you each light the way for the other.......

I think having Sarah with you for your sons birthday is something you need to do.  It really is amazing how a small child will give us a strength to face what is an emotional minefield.

Kathy - Dear sweet Tavian, holding tight to your finger seeking the promises of innocents.  My heart breaks for you both. I know he seeks assurances that no one he loves will ever leave him, and as the mother whose child was never to go before the certainty of what we thought we knew no longer exists. 

I know you said Tavian is seeing a therapist, are you also seeking support and direction.  To provide the love care and support for this young man is harder when you yourself are a mother grieving the loss of your own baby.

I know for with each visit to my therapist there is a period of 'nothingness'.  The visits serve to trigger the reasons  why I am there.......Mike has gone.  For Tavian and yourself that may be the case as well.   It might be what has Tavian  emotionally clinging and seeking those assurances from you.

I remember a time when I was the "all knowning all seeing earth mother of wisdom"..something someone told me once........but that was when my world was in order.......as I am sure it was with you before Jess left to have coffee with Mike!!!

Some will still see you as just that.....Tavian most definitely does....if anyone can jump tall buildings it will be his mi mi.......

Mamabets - truly the earth mother of this site.......grandbabies do have that innocents that allows them to openly seek and see our children.  Mike met his neice Jeya Christmas 06,  She was 3 weeks old.  The pic is an in depth conversation they had.....they look into each others eyes...I can't help thinking Mike was telling her to remember him, he would look for her..... he does....and she smiles.......

Blessed be to those who walk the walk together, arms linked, hearts broken nevertheless united together - never alone......

[daveydow1]

Mikesmum,

  What an absolutely beautiful photo of Mike and Baby.

                                      Daveysmom,  Sherry

[mikesmum]

Sherry - Thanks.  Three weeks after this Mike was gone.  Miss Jeya lay in his arms for most of that day.  Mesmerised, holding Mikes full attention. It really was a most precious time for us...........

 

In these past months I have been drawn to those who travel this journey. Reading much writing some.  I recently found books by Gordon Livingston.  He is a Vietnam vet and now works as a Psychiatrist.  More relevant is he lost two sons in 13 months.  One to suicide another to leukaemia.    He has three books that I know of, the one I have plagiarised from is “Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart”.  The reference to his grieving is limited in this book but so relevant to many here at BI.

 

He speaks of the grieving process in ways that help me understand where I am, where I have been and where I may be going. Even 13 years on his grief is ongoing…..how it presents and how he deals with it gives me strength to know I can continue………

 

Loosely

 

In thirteen years, though, frozen in time his sons remain a living presence for him.  He has forgiven himself for not being able to save them.  He has reconciled himself to growing old without them, that they will not as he once confidently assumed bury him. While he has forsaken a belief in an orderly universe he has not relinquished his love for his sons nor his longing that against all reason he will see them again. 

 

Like all who mourn he learned an abiding hatred for the word ‘closure’, with its comforting implications that grief is a time-limited process from which we all recover.  The idea that I could reach a point when I would no longer miss my child was obscene to me and I dismissed it.  I had to accept the reality that I would never be the same person, that some part of my heart, perhaps the best part, had been cut out and buried with my sons.  What was left?

 

This man is one of those who truly gets where we all are……his other book Only Spring:On mourning the death of my son is my next read……..

 

Take care of each other - Trudi

[summergirl]

Simonsmam - Your posting was so sweet - thank you. I am not sure I am doing an amazing job with Tavian - there are times I feel at such a loss as to what to do or say however, most of the time the answers seem to come from my mouth and I honestly do not know where they come from - it is scarey to hear the words I speak and then try to figure out how I said them - if that makes sense. I love sharing stories of Tavian with all of you - I can share and ask questions and you always seem to give me an answer, guide me, strenghten me when I feel as though "I cannot do this" comes upon me. I used to tell Jessica that having a grandchild was the most amazing thing in the world and she used to laugh and say "mom you should have skipped having children and just have grandchildren, you spoil Tavian so bad he doesn't want to come home with me" - laughing at that time - crying now.

Trudi - as usual you lift my spirits high when you post. Tavian is seeing a therapist on Tuesday evenings and I go on Wednesday mornings - we both see the same woman and she is amazing. It took me a while before I entered therapy as I did not want to open up about anything - I just wanted to stay in my "safe zone" and seeing a therapist seemed "unsafe" to me, I was afraid of all I might have to feel. I finally decided to go and it was one of the best things I have done for myself. She has opened my eyes to alot of things, things with Tavian, my husband and mostly myself. I recommend therapy for all who are traveling this road even when we think we don't need it. I smile to think that Jessica and Mike are having coffee together!!!

Reading the posts about grandchildren and the different things they do - there are times when I will look at Tavian and he is so very still and just staring - I try to look where he is looking but I realize I cannot see what he is seeing - afterwards I will ask him what he was looking at and he just smiles and says nothing. The first time it happened was at the beach and all the friends that were there looked at me and asked me what he was doing and all I could say was he sees something we do not. When this happens I feel a peaceful feeling just watching him and it makes me smile.

I want to thank all of you for your postings - today has been a day of why, why, why repeated over and over again - I felt myself falling into the pit of darkness and just wanted to go to bed and pull the covers over my head and something made me come here instead, I am so glad I did - I wish sometimes that I could tell the world about BI - how many people out there who are suffering as we and do not know of this place - it is such a Godsend and a blessing - what do you suppose Ophra would think of this site!!!!!!

I am attaching a picture of my "Jessie Garden" I put it in this past summer - my husband helped me with the pond but everything else is from my sweat and tears - it is where I sit quietly with my thoughts of Jessica, it is where I draw strength to jump those tall buildings.

Love to all and Blessed be. Kathy

[summergirl]

Trudi - thank you for the info on Gordon Livingston - I am going to go buy the book - it sounds like a read that I need - Peace - Kathy

[mamabets]

For mikesmum~ What an unbelievable picture..These little ones see deeper than we can, I have no doubt!

You are such a dear, dear, dear Mommy.....I whisper to all of these babies, you know..."You are mine too!!!"

Gordon Livingston's books are a must!!! I will be reading the second recommendation here, as I loved his other. My sister has it on her nightstand...

Elizabeth Edwards loves him. Aside from now battling cancer, she and her hubby John have lost a son,Wade. "Saving Graces" is another good book to read on HOW DO WE GET THROUGH THIS???

The attatched was just taken last weekend when I went to Florida for "Baby Madeline's" baptism... Bets and baby, getting to know each other, face to face...

Sarah and Madeline are sisters, my niece Alison is their Mommy, and she KNOWS that they know Danny. She has this never ending belief that they were with him before they were here with us...

I do get tremendous strength from these little ones, as scattered as we all are, and I will share each and every one of them with each and every one of you, forever..

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For summergirl~ Danny's garden needs tending to. The drought here has had me discouraged, but I do find myself saying to it, "You live on too, bless you", as so many things in it are still thriving in spite of drizzles of rain and the cold...

I sprinkle seeds for all of our angels on special dates...I just open packets, blow kisses when I sprinkle the seeds, then water...I am amazed at what comes along...Just like life...Throw caution to the wind, you never know what can pop up that needs tending to...

Much sadness when I have to weed out, many new miracle blooms that just "appear"...The pink baby rose that bloomed in the grass, many feet from the garden, the day  that we found out that Jackie was having a "girl" when pregnant with Caroline...

TONS of red lilies last year, and I never planted the bulbs!!!

Your beautiful Jess garden has inspired me tonight... I needed this, as our poor garden has not looked well...I must have forgotten that this time last year it didn't either, but you know what?? St. Francis stands tall, and there are pansies galore, all different shades, and thriving still...

I sent a yellow balloon off tonight with a smiley face on it to Jackie and the kids... All of our angels caught it too...

Danny LOVED Superman~ across many boards, he has become SUPERDAN...

In reading your post, I "feel" Jess and Danny, Christopher and Dana Reeves, all leaping those tall buildings with you and Tavian!!!

LOVE

mamabets:)

[mikesmum]

Kathy & Betsy - Gardens, the living breathing reminder of  those we love.  Kathy, the garden looks beautiful, tranquil and peaceful.....beside the pond, if its too cold for the beach....you know a coffee would be great.  Tavian looking off with just a smile....something only the innocents can see, feel and understand. They have that ability, life yet to take that innocents completely....keep him close Kathy, keep him safe........

As for Oprah - will send an email......maybe she will do a show or an article.......she has an Australian gardener....Jamie Durie....saw him once on stage, might be the link I need!?

Betsy - sprinkle the seeds with love and watch them grow......isn't that what we did with our babies........to see the lillies appear from nowhere....yet another miracle...Your picture of Bet and Baby truly amazing.....they do know so much more than we have forgotten......Glad you have the books by Livingstone, they gave me more than I thought possible....

Take care all of you here......

 

[summergirl]

mamabets - I am glad if I have inspired you with the picture of Jessica's Garden. It is funny that I was going through my pictures and I became this maniac looking for this one picture that I just couldn't find and then there was the Jessica Garden picture and I felt a peace come over me and knew it was the one. Superdan is amazing and when I think of him now I know that I can get strength to leap those buildings and if not then he will just have to help me!!!! 

Trudi - keeping Tavian close and safe - the other scarey part of my life - what if I can't - what if I am not able to do all the things I am determined to do??

Yesterday we had Tavian's birthday party - the Cosmic Bowling party - His other Grandmother had asked if we could do it together and I thought that was a good idea so we took care of everything. When my husband and I got there yesterday it was so cute the way they had set everything up, the cake and balloons had been delivered, the kids showed up - 12 in all - and then "BOOM" - Tavian's "dad" decided to show up and become the "disneyland dad" for the party!!! My husband was so upset he wanted to leave and I am in the middle trying to calm him down and make sure all was going well with the party. I guess I would not have been so upset if we had known in advance that he was coming - his mother should have told me!! I am just so MAD, he has signed over full custody to us, he has never been a part of his life, he has never supported him emotionally, mentally or physically, knows absolutely nothing about him and then he can just show up and play the "fun" guy!!! And the worse part is that Tavian doesn't know any better!! He thinks thats what all dad's do, they just show up every now and then and you play and have fun and then they disappear for a long time again!!!!!!!!!  He makes himself be the "cool, fun guy" and it is so easy for him - but where has he been for 6 years, where is he when Tavian cries for his mommy, when he is sick, the first day of school and all those other millions of times when he should have been there and wasn't!!!!!!!!!

Ok - thank you for listening to me get my anger out and scream out loud on paper!! I do want to say that Tavian and his little friends had a great time and I know that is all that really matters!!! But I am still angry!!

I will talk later this evening after Tavian is asleep - I will download a picture from his party - he is "6" now!!!!!!!!!  Time goes by too fast.

Peace and Hugs to all - Kathy

[enufalreddy]

Kathy-Don't be upset over "superdad" (not).I've dealt with so much of that crap.Bottom line is...kids are not stupid.I never talked bad about my kids' father/step-father even though he had done terrible things and was very much a non-supporting father in every sense of the word.Then he'd try to act like I was the problem and he was poor old Dad.He proved to them himself what he was and is.Don't worry about it either because they show up less and less.Just keep your cool and be yourself.There is one great truism I really believe in and have seen it time and again..." the a__holes eliminate themselves". True whether it's at work or at home or in church.Just people in general.You're doing a wonderful job.What few feelings he has are probably making him feel guilty so he had to try to prove something.But my little theory will hold true.So just smile and keep loving that little one.

[mikesmum]

Kathy - My heart breaks as I read of the 'intruder' arriving at Tavians party.  Biological doesn't equal to dad! A petrie dish and a pippet is all you need to make a baby. 

Mikes biological father left us a month after Steven was born.  He didn't see us for 2 years, calling in when my dad died.  He saw the kids perhaps twice in the next 15 years.  When Mike was 17 he wanted to see him, so we made contact thru family.  He was retiring, (38yrs old) to his new partners farm in Tasmania.  He promised to keep in touch, offering Mike a place to visit.  There was a couple of calls, a dinner in 2004 but nothing else.

Fast forward to Mikes funeral.  He arrived with his family, devestated.  Introduced himself to everyone as Mikes dad!  He asked my  husband Mal if he would mind speaking on his behalf because he was so emotional.  Mal was the paramedic that attended Mike, sat with him in the weeks before he died talking about his life, was there for him more in the last 5 years than this biological male had been in 31 yrs.  He came back to our house, stayed talking to Steven and Melissa as if he had never left!!!  

For me it was a collision of emotions as I am sure it was for you and your husband.  Anger, loss, tears, frustration and uncertainy.  But as good grandparents, I am sure you didn't disembowel him on the spot.  A for the 'Disneyland Dad syndrome', well after no birthdays, no christmas or recognition for much of his life, Mikes biological dad offered to 'put in' for his funeral..................@#*/##!!!!!!

I remember when Micheal was born, like many new mothers the questions filled my mind.....what if I can't be the mother he needs, what if I can't do the things I should,......what ifs, self doubt...........

My dear friend, I know the inner core strength you have, I know because I read it with each story of the amazing Tavian through his Grandmas eyes.  Because I feel the energy you have with each adventure this young 6 year old takes you on - and because despite life throwing you the most daunting of tasks, you manage to find the answers within. 

Stay strong, remember you can only do what you can do.......with Jess watching over you and your husband beside you, I believe you can do anything..........

Coffee, cake, beach - thats the plan! 

[mikesmum]

[user=11409]enufalreddy[/user] wrote:

Kathy-Don't be upset over "superdad" (not).I've dealt with so much of that crap.Bottom line is...kids are not stupid.I never talked bad about my kids' father/step-father even though he had done terrible things and was very much a non-supporting father in every sense of the word.Then he'd try to act like I was the problem and he was poor old Dad.He proved to them himself what he was and is.Don't worry about it either because they show up less and less.Just keep your cool and be yourself.There is one great truism I really believe in and have seen it time and again..." the a__holes eliminate themselves". True whether it's at work or at home or in church.Just people in general.You're doing a wonderful job.What few feelings he has are probably making him feel guilty so he had to try to prove something.But my little theory will hold true.So just smile and keep loving that little one.

A truer word never spoken...........while my kids biological dad attemtped a comeback...thankfully his previous record spoke for itself and of course....I raised intelligent thinking kids.......

[mikesmum]

[user=11409]enufalreddy[/user] wrote:

Kathy-Don't be upset over "superdad" (not).I've dealt with so much of that crap.Bottom line is...kids are not stupid.I never talked bad about my kids' father/step-father even though he had done terrible things and was very much a non-supporting father in every sense of the word.Then he'd try to act like I was the problem and he was poor old Dad.He proved to them himself what he was and is.Don't worry about it either because they show up less and less.Just keep your cool and be yourself.There is one great truism I really believe in and have seen it time and again..." the a__holes eliminate themselves". True whether it's at work or at home or in church.Just people in general.You're doing a wonderful job.What few feelings he has are probably making him feel guilty so he had to try to prove something.But my little theory will hold true.So just smile and keep loving that little one.

A truer word never spoken...........while my kids biological dad attemtped a comeback...thankfully his previous record spoke for itself and of course....I raised intelligent thinking kids.......

[summergirl]

Truer words have never been spoken as you have said - the anger I have is for Tavian as he is the one who will realize one day that his "super dad" is nothing more than a "deadbeat dad". The only reason he shows is because his mother "makes" him, either by giving him money or making him feel guilty - he hasn't seen Tavian in a long time but of course he is so busy with his new girlfriend and her having his new baby plus he actually works that he just can't seem to find the time to travel to see Tavian - although I am not sure about that one as I do not know where he lives - just up Island some where. And then of course there is his second child who was one last November whom he abandoned the same way he did my Jessica - so now we are going to have child number 3!!! I feel so bad for the second one and the one on the way - how do you just keep having children and have no idea how to be a father, I am totally confused by the concept. Tavian NEVER talks about his dad, never mentions him unless I ask him if he saw him while he was with grandma and he always says no - like I said right now Tavian has no idea what a daddy is and I am afraid of the heartbreak he will feel when he realizes what kind of daddy he has. But I am determined to keep him safe, well loved and totally open when he gets older. We never talk about him and if it does come up we never say "bad" things as we know Tavian will learn on his own and we will be there to pick up the pieces and the day will come when his "daddy" will be the one who wants to see him and Tavian will have nothing to do with him. 

The day Jessica passed he came to the house with about 3 of his friends and I had my best guy friend Jimmy ask him to leave as I could not bare to have him around me. He came to the wake and walked up to me and all I remember doing was looking him in the eye and he had no words, he could not look at me and he left, he did not come to the funeral - he understood that he was not welcome.

Trudi - my heart broke when I read your post of your sons "father" and what he did, I cannot say that I would have been able to be as strong as you were - to leave as he did and then come back to the funeral being the "brokenhearted father" - what a disgrace and how heartbreaking for your husband who was there for Micheal all those years!! How do we remain strong and keep the faith with all that we endure each day? A friend of Jessica's called me tonight and told me she was so proud of my strength and I told her I am not as strong as people think and she said yes you are, you are taking care of Tavian. I understand that part but I am not strong - I feel so weak, so lost and sometimes so out of control - but I will not let anything stop me from keeping Tavian safe - he is our world and and all I need to do is look in his eyes of feel his little arms around my neck and I become "superwoman", I can do anything and yes I can leap over those tall buildings, one of them being his dad - and I will keep on living and getting stronger thanks to all of you here on BI!! You are what gets me through when I am feeling anything but strong - coffee, cake and the beach - what a beautiful thought. 

Two years ago tonight Jessica was here and we were celebrating Tavian's 4th birthday, it is the last pictures I have of her - so happy, smiling, singing happy birthday and cutting the "Spiderman" cake!!!!!! Where has two years gone - seems like yesterday and then again it seems like a life time ago. How I miss her sooooooooooooo!

Need to try and get some sleep although I know it won't come easy - too many thoughts going through my head, too many memories, to many what ifs. One more week until Jessica's Angel date and I do not know how to do this!!!!!!!

Thank you for listening once again - I will post a picture of the birthday boy tomorrow, tonight I am so very weary.

Peace, Hugs and Warmth to all of you - Kathy

[bigmikesmom]

Trudy, you asked if I had any pics of Mike. I just figured out how to post one. This is Mike with 2 friends from the womaens soccer team at his college.

Patti-BigMikesMom

[mamabets]

For bigmikesmom~ We see pictures like these and say to ourselves...

"HOW ARE WE DOING THIS????"

Together is the only way...

Know that Mike is holding you in the palm of his hands... Carry this smile with you for all eternity, until we will see our kids again...

What a beautiful angel he is..The same angel he has always been...

LOVE

mamabets

[mikesmum]

Patti - Great looking guy!!  Congrats on posting the picture....I was trying to post and explain how to, but got weigh laid and none of my pics would download.......

Kathy - We seem to give the same perception of strength.....yet the fragility and weakness surrounds us like a mist.  Thank you for your message to Mike.....I have sent him one too....

I have attached a picture of Mike and the one true love (besides Harmony) of his life.  Lauren was with Mike for 10 years and even after they split, she remained his friend and strongest supporter.  It may be wishful thinking, but seeing pictures of Jess I can't help but notice a similarity to Lauren.....

Mike,  I need for you to find Jess. Just like you she has left a part of herself behind.  Tavian is 6, his grandma loves and cares for him each day, but you know no one will ever take the place of a mum or a dad.........Combine your light and energies, send strength to Kathy & Barry as they raise their darling grandson......take this same energy and light and wrap Harmony in the warmth and love I know you have.  My only wish is that I might one day be able to hold her hand again and tell her the stories of her daddy and the love he has for her now and always.....Soar with Jess, find your peace and know that our lives changed forever when you left........

It really has been hard of late my son, my son.  To know in my heart that I will never see your face, hold you or hear your voice is a pain that is too hard to endure.  My only hope is the thought that the white light of your soul will greet me when my journey ends.....and once again I will feel you with me.......

I love you Micheal Shane.....more than I guess you ever knew, more than I thought I ever could......my heart breaks, my tears fall, I want to speak with you so much......

 

 

[mikesmum]

Our front yard......My handsome son......beautiful Grandbaby October 2005....

[daveydow1]

Mikesmum,

   Such a lovely photo of your son & his baby. Thanks for sending

  it along.  Also,  what you wrote to your son is perfect words to

  all of us I am sure.  Peace be with you always.

                                               Daveysmom,   Sherry