Loss of an Adult Child

[heartbeataway]

Kathy,

My husband is my everything.  Especially now that our Jason is gone. I just want you to know that I'm also wishing your husband well.  What a challenging time for you.

Do you ever feel like you're the statue in the park under the tree where all the pigeons hang out?

I sure do!  More lately than ever.

Take care!  Someone in Texas sends you a hug!

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[mommabert]

some good happened last night my grandson josh ( named after his uncle josh) took his first steps. he will be 11 months on the 10. just like his uncle got to do thing in a hurry. just needed to share that. it was something to smile about. my thoughts go out to all .  mommabert

[heartbeataway]

mommabert,

First steps are a big deal ........... glad they made you smile!  Thanks for sharing. You gave us a smile too!

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[mikesmum]

Betsy - Sorry to hear you have been blind sided by one of those hit and miss times on this journey.  I am so please to hear you have a 'great team' supporting you.   Your words, signs and support have been invaluable to me in my first year.

Love the dress and the polka dot party theme!  Grandbabies do have a way about them, bringing light where at the time there may only seem to be grey!

Mommabert - Josh's first steps - a special time, a wonderful time.  My youngest grandbaby Jeya waited till Granma arrived before she showed her stuff.  Her parents (youngest son Steve and partner Kelly) had been watching her stand on her own, but she didn't venture out walking till granma came to visit!  They know.

Bonnie - definitely get the pigeon theory - even the statues show signs of wear from all the poop they endure......Just when you think you got the last bit of stuff off.....along comes another pigeon with no regard!

Take Care - Trudi

 

[heartbeataway]

Speaking of grandbabies......

I had a good cry this afternoon. My husband and I were talking. I showed him a couple of outfits I bought my friends little girl.  And some Easter basket goodies that I'm excited to see how her children will react too.

I was thinking about how Jason and Easter.  On occasion, he had to do a scavenger hunt to find his basket.  One note would lead to the next until he would find the basket. He always got an Easter basket from Mom and Dad.  I even baked bunny shaped doggie treats for his dog one year ........  I so loved being a Mom.  I truly looked forward to being a grandmother.

I was thinking about how much Jason wanted to be a Dad.  Jason was our only son, my only child. I will have no grandchildren with his mischievious smile or his pretty blue eyes.  He had hands like mine,  I had hands like my Dads. I wonder if his little one would have had hands like his ...........

The enormity of our loss is just overwhelming sometimes. Our future has such a hole in it that it at times seems insurmountable.

Yet, all of you show me that I will get through this.  Sadly, I will go on without him in my life.

Thanks!  JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[daveydow1]

Summergirl, Kathy,

    So sorry to hear of your husband's illness. Sorry that you have so

   much stress and sorrow at this time. I will pray that your husband

   is well soon. Take care of yourself, and peace be with you.

                                       Daveysmom,   Sherry 

[wyomingsal]

Bonnie,

I just posted on loss of a young child about grocery shopping and seeing all the Easter bunnies and baskets.  Josh was a "tween"  not a young child and not a teen so it is hard to know where exactly to post.  So here I am posting in the adult section.  :?  But I had such a hard time in the store because I am faced with yet another set of memories I haven't had to deal with yet.  You almost have to deal with each holiday/event/place seperately and grieve the individual memories one at a time from every possible angle as part of healing.  Each new event or holiday or place I visit that I have shared memories with Joshua force me to grieve anew.  I barely finished grocery shopping because I was fighting back tears.  I thought I had conquered the store and the memories there but the Easter stuff brought a whole new set of memories.   

I am sorry so sorry that you will never get to see Jason's children and experience the joys of being a grandma.  The holidays just bring all the dreams back that we didn't even know we had. 

God's peace and blessings apon you,

Sal

[briansdad]

We had our Bereaved Parents Meeting yesterday and our topic was if you had one more day with your child what would you do.Here is mine. Maybe some of you would like to share.

I think I would like it to be Saturday.  ]We would get up,  and I know, he would be bothering his mom about what there was to eat for breakfast.We would probably watch all the car shows that are on Saturday mornings.

I would enjoy watching him try and teach his daughter Alyssa to hit a golf ball.  Then I think I'd like to take him to fast Eddie's over in beer. Fishing might be part of the day but, that would take up all day and this is only one day, so I'd like to get as much in as I could.  If was a warm day, we would probably come home from lunch and wash our cars.  He’s really funny to watch wash his car.  He is so picky about it.  We would probably talk about the plans he had for his car, things he wanted to do to make it go faster.  I'd like to go to a Blues game with him one more time, I think that would be fun.  But again it ‘s only one day.  But we might go ice skating, me and him and  Alyssa I know he would have loved to have seen her skate. His choice of restaurants would be Ruby Tuesday's He likes to eat there whenever he can.  So we would go to dinner at Ruby Tuesday's.  And I'm sure that he would get the rib platter because he loves the ribs.  I know the one place that he would really like to go on a Saturday night would be Gateway Speedway .  They have a test and tune night on Saturdays, and you can race as many times as you want for $15.  We would get back from the track pretty late.  So, we'd probably kick back and watch some TV.  Nothing in particular.  Then he’d get up to go to bed and give me a hug and say see you in the morning dad.

Greg

[summergirl]

Hello to all - first I want to say that my husband is "home" with us - picked him up this afternoon - so all of those prayers and good wishes you all sent helped. The doctors believe it was caused from the steriods he was taking for his "pamonia" as Tavian would say and since I have completely forgotten how to spell it I will use Tavian's word!! He had been sick with a bad cold for about a week and when I finally tld him I made him an appointment with our doctor he had no choice but to go - he was of course diagnosed with "pamonia" and they gave him four different medications and one was a steriod - I am still not convinced of what they say as he was only on the medication for 4 days and it was not a large dose - one of the doctors disagree also. He has to go for the full body MRI with dye on March 18 as they just want to be cautious they say - I am so happy he is home but I do not like it that they are giving us that "we are pretty sure" prognosis - I will stick close by him and keep my eyes open wide as I am still worried. However I will keep the faith and trust in God. My husband is my world also - we have been married for 34 years - I was almost 17 and he was 18 - so young but still together and still in love.

Trudi - yes Tavian does know how to heal mi-mi's wounds - he is such a little man. On the way home from the hospital last night (about a 45 minute drive) we were listening to a country station that was doing a fund raiser for St. Judes Childrens hospital and some of the stories were so intense and heart breaking. Tavian asked me what it was about and I explained it to him and he asked if we could call the number and give them some money so a little boy or girl wouldn't have to go to Heaven!! So I pulled off the road and called them and we donated 40 dollars a month for one year - Tavian was so excited and said "maybe we saved somebody mi-mi" - it took everything in me not to break down and cry yet at the same time it felt good to do something however small to help someone and to think that maybe, just maybe we are helping some parent from having to travel this road and find this site.

Also Trudi - I am glad you didn't wear your "skirt" for the day of court - how tiring it is to go to court and have it adjourned time after time. To think and say that we are just sad mommy's and daddy's is beyond my comprehension - I would gladly e-mail any of them at any time and let them know what sad really is - yet it would do no good and although you do not wish this on anyone it is as if you want them to experience what we go through because they are so ignorant, selfish and cold. When we were fighting for custody for Tavian the amount of lies the "father" (I actually call him the sperm donor) told in court was unbievable and he knew that he had no way of backing up his lies and each time he told one we would written proof, signed and notorized to prove it - that felt good. We were one of the lucky ones as it is rare for grandparents to get custody over a parent - God and Jessica were on our side and Micheal is on your side - Jessica to - she was a fighter when it came to something she believed in and there was no stopping her. Keep the faith and feel the love we are all sending you my friend.

mamabets - "going back to work" was very diffacult for me - I took five weeks off and completely went crazy with my house - painted every room, all trim, put in new floors and carpet - I look back now and know that I was just moving, moving, moving to keep the loss of Jessica from my mind yet no matter how I worked on the house until I dropped from exhaustion each day nothing stopped the pain. Going back to work was so hard but needed the money not to mention the insurance which is the best there is - it has gotten better as I moved to a different department and the work is less stressful and I have my own office so not always dealing with the public. I know what you mean when you say the stretch of despair - I have found that I can be going along and doing pretty good and suddenly I am lost in that deep hole and cannot find my way out - it is a struggle to climb the ladder back to the top again but seem to get there somehow. You are such an inspiration to all.

Bonnie - thank you for your concern for my husband. Yes, being the statue in the park under the tree where the pidgeons hang out is definitley where I have spent some time - although here it is seagulls!!! Totally agree with Trudi - just when you think all the poop is off here comes another one with no regard. I did not realize that your son was your only child, I am so sorry for that - it is a most diffacult thing to endure and I understand your saying about wondering what his child would have been like - I am so sorry - tears, tears, tears - I look at Tavian and I know in my heart that he really has saved my life - if not for him I can honestly say that I might have followed Jessica to where she is. So believe me when I tell you that you have a strength beyond words. We have friends who lost their only 19 year old daughter Cassie in a freak car accident six months ago, it was raining and she was on her way home and swerved to avoid a deer, hit a tree and died instantly from a broken neck. It was so diffacult to go to the wake but we did it and as soon as I walked in I was slammed with memories of Jessica - Cassie's mom looked at me and said "oh Kathy you know, you know, what am I going to do", I had no answer for her at that time. Now I can call her and talk to her but she has a lot of anger right now - I have told her a little about this site but she said she does not want to get caught up in an online site - so I will give her a little more time and then I will show the site to her - she needs to be here so much. I will think of you each day and pray for strength for you and yours.

I have rambled enough but sometimes it is what we need to do!!! Like I said I will not be ok until I have an answer for what my husband has been through - I guess some of it comes from the fact that the doctors always told us Jess was fine and could go home, rest a few days and she would be back to "normal"  - why did I listen to them???

I love you all and pray for peace and comfort for all. Love, Kathy

[summergirl]

Briansdad - I admire the fact that you can put into words what you would do with your son if you could have one more day with him. I have been thinking about what I would do with Jessica if I could have one more day and I am not sure I could fit it all on these pages - there are so many things I would do but nothing would ever be enough - one more day would just keep me wishing for one more day. I will however think about it a bit more and maybe tomorrow I can write a posting of how I would spend one more day with my beautiful daughter.

Thank you for sharing your day - it brought tears to my eyes and something to think about. God Bless you - Kathy

[summergirl]

Wyomingsal - I feel your pain about the "shopping" - each Holiday brings a different set of emotions and you go backwards so many steps. Jessica loved all holidays so this year I have bought a whole bunch of porclen easter bunnies and chicks shaped like eggs - the bunnies have little ears, they are all different colors - some are purple or pink or green and yellow. I am going to give one to each special person in my life that has been there for us through every exhausting day and they are going to write what ever they want on the back side and I am going to put them all at the cemetery for a few days and then I will bring them home and put them in Tavian's treasure box.  I am blessed to have Tavian yet at times I am weary as I HAVE to do all of the holidays for him and smile and be happy when sometimes all I want to do is just sleep right through that holiday day - but on the other hand I have found that he keeps me sane and helps me to celebrate Jessica's life as opposed to dwelling each minute on what might have been.

Again I am so sorry for your pain - I feel everyones pain because we all walk this walk together and we will always be here for each other - drawing strength, wisdom, and love from one another. I am glad you choose to post here when you want as everyone on every site is special and we welcome you with open arms and cry for your pain and loss. God Bless you and peace be with you - Kathy

[mikesmum]

Greg - It is really something each of us here would love to have....just one more day.  I read your story and can visualise your son with you.  Here is my one more day....

Grant me one more day -

 

It would start with a call.  “Hey Mum, Harmony and I are in the drive, want to spend a day with you”.    Mike is pain free, standing tall with that grin beaming back at me. 

Sun shining, a gentle breeze and nothing to do but to just be.   The ocean beach at Sorrento is a favourite place, so many memories.  A day of exploring rock pools left when the tide retreats and climbing sand dunes high above the ocean.  Sounds of squeals and giggles as waves tickle Harmony’s feet.  She rides like a princess on the strong shoulders of her daddy to view the seascape.  A picnic on the beach of sandwiches, cup cakes and teddy’s with tea.

 

The sun leaves a pink and purple kaleidoscope across the sky as the warmth of the fire Mike has built draws us in.  Laying back with Harmony sleeping gentle on his chest, the rhythm of the waves her lullaby.  We talk of this day and those we shared in his childhood, both knowing as the moon rises over the ocean our day will end all too soon.

 

I would let him know how proud I was of him as a son, a brother and most of all as a father.  How hard it was to see him struggle physically and emotionally through out his life.  To let him know I never had all the answers, though at times I wish I did.  He needed to know that letting him go was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life, yet seeing him on this day, painfree and happy is something I couldn't take from him.  I would get my chance to hold him one more time, speak to his heart and soul. 

 

As the sun rises, I will wake from sleep, my heart at rest for having had one more day.  I love you Micheal Shane - my son my son

[daveydow1]

For Briansdad, and Mikesmum,

 Your writings of how you would spend just "one more day" with your

dear sons was very touching and inspiring. I have not sat down and

written a "one more day" story. I will have to think about it for a time.

Thanks for sharing these beautiful stories.

                                               Daveysmom,   Sherry

[summergirl]

Briansdad and Trudi - how truely beautiful your "one last day" is. I have been thinking about one last day with Jessica and there are so many things I want to do and say to her that I am not sure I could fit it all into one last day.

It is a beautiful sunny hot Saturday and Jessica and Tavian have come over to help pack up the truck to go to Bubba beach for the day. Jessica is trying to get Tavian to help but he is already in the truck ready to go. We arrive at the beach and our friends are there waiting with the fishing poles, canoes, the barbeque, lots of food and the beach chairs. Tavian tells Jessica to go swimming with him and as they walk out to the water hand in hand I smile at the beauty of mother and son. Tavian is laughing that great laugh that he has as Jessica throws him in the air and he comes tumbeling down into the water only to say "again mommy again. I cannot keep my eyes from the two of them as Jessica wraps him in a towel and they snuggle in the beach chair to get the chill from the water off. Jessica is laughing and talking to all and then we look at each other and we both know it is time for a long walk along the beach shore. As we walk with Tavian between us, hand in hand, we let the beauty of being together engulf us. We let Tavian run up ahead and now her hand is in mine and we talk of our mother - daughter relationship, how we have become the best of friends and how I wish that I could take away any pain she has ever had, the hurt of lost love. I tell her how proud I am of her as a mother, a daughter, a friend but most of all I am proud of the person she is, the strength she has to raise a child alone and for never complaining when times are tough, for smiling through her tears. As we walk back and the others are slowly leaving for home we stay and watch the sunset as Tavian lies in Jessica's arms, tired from the swimming and sun, we will hold hands as the stars light up the sky and Tavian drifts off to sleep. I tell her I love her a thousand times over and as the day draws to an end we smile at each other and we know without saying the words. 

As the sun rises I will awake from sleep, my heart at rest for having had one more day. (Thanks Trudi)

I love you my Jessica, Jessica, Jessica. Love mommy

[wyomingsal]

One last day would be so hard.  If I knew what I know now I wouldn't have let my boy go swimming that day.  I would have made them come home with me and called into work and spent the whole day with him making certain he was safe.  Then maybe it wouldn't have been his last day and I would still have him here.    I don't want a last day....I want lots and lots of days. 

Sal

[summergirl]

Sal - how right you are - having a last day would never be enough, it would just leave me wishing for more - but I somtimes dream of those days when we were all together at the beach and it helped me to put it in to words - just a dream, just a wish upon a falling star. I believe there is nothing any of us on this walk can do to change the course of life. Everyone tells me there is a reason or Jess is in a better place - but I have a hard time coming up with a reason as to why Tavian's mommy was taken from him at 4 years old, why did I only have 26 years with my beautiful daughter and what was wrong with right here!! this was a good place to be, with her son and family so I keep the screams inside when people say those things. I am sorry for your pain, your loss and I pray for you to find some peace in your life.

I was on Jessica's myspace page and I had a total meltdown as I watched the slide show of her, friends, Tavian and the song "Someday" by Kenny Chesney playing - saying "you died to young, like a story that had just begun and then death tore all the pages away" - that is how I feel, death tore my daughter away and there are no more pages in her life, all I have is the pages that were written up until February 18, 2006 - after that there are no more pages, no pictures, no memories that we made with Jessica here - so I make up my own pages and that is what helps me to keep going. I now write pages for Tavian so he will read the story of his mommy's precious years with us.

Love and Prayers to all - Kathy

[briansdad]

Guys the key to this is so far is no one wanted to go around the world or go somewhere fancy.We all wanted to simple things that we and our children shared a love for. I know for myself, all the hurt I have felt in losing my son this exercise made me smile thinking of the bonds that we shared, and still do. I loved my son with all my heart and although writing a one more day story brought tears to my eyes they were tears of joy knowing what I once had and will again someday.Was he a perfect child? Far from it, but he was mine.

Here is a link to his site  http://brian-klocke.memory-of.com/About.aspx

[mamabets]

For All~ Thanks and much love to all for your sweet words...I know that I can come here and just click away on this computer, and all of you "hear my heart".

I am feeling better, but in a place now where I am saying to myself..."I am not too sure how to keep doing these days and nights with my Danny someplace far away from here", although I know he is right here with me. I remember this "surreal" kind of feeling that I had for so long early on, as we all have, and mine has kind of surfaced again. It's even harder to try to figure it out, because so many days, weeks, and months have passed, and the reality of this has to keep reminding me.

If I had one more day with Danny, it would be unlike any other...Always here or there for each other, laughing until we cried, loving so perfectly, daily updates on the home fires here in North Carolina, the goings on in Florida... Just a flawless relationship, and there is not one thing that I would have done differently...Just another "Hi Mom"..."I Love You, Honey" kind of day....

And, never a good-bye...Just a "See ya, and I love you as much as you love me. Call me when you get home"

While some things have drastically changed, some have not, and I listen to the messages that surround me, always. My mind whirls, trying to "fit this" into it, and I surrender to it on a daily basis. Danny is just as involved in my life as he ever was, just differently. The steady work in progress is this thing called adjusting to the adjustments!!

I have to believe that one day, all of these lost days, will be but a faded memory, and when we are together again, it will be nothing short of us having found our perfect eternity.

Little Caroline says "WOW" about a hundred times a day... These stories should be interesting when she starts to jibber jabber...Julia could write a book....

LOVE

mamabets

[heartbeataway]

I have to say I agree with Wyomingsal.  I don't think I could accept one more day. I know for a fact that I couldn't endure the pain of "one more day" and then another good-bye.

We were very fortunate that we left nothing unsaid or unfelt.  We had absolutely no idea that our son would die Saturday morning, April 28th, 2007.  Yet, we were okay with where we were.  His last words to us on Thursday afternoon before he left were, "I Love You".  He said he would call later that evening and I told him no.  Just call me on Monday and tell me how the weekend went.

I don't like where we are on this journey. But, I can't imagine starting over.

Part of Jason's eulogy was when I remembered how hard good-byes were when the miles separated us.  When we did get together, I never got through a good-bye without falling apart. But his memorial was the hardest, it was our last good-bye.

Forever and always, I will love you son. It's a journey that will never end.

JasonH'sMom,Bonnie

[mikesmum]

One day would never be enough, but if it was all that was on offer I would most definitely take it...

Greg - you are right, it is the simpliest things we want when we think of one more day.   Mike and I had some very turbulent times in his 31 yrs.  Most of them in the last 3 years of his life.  Periods of 'no speaks' something in hindsight I regret, but then Mike and I are so similar (I think people call it single minded)!  No matter what he is my son...now and forever.

Kathy - Just perfect.  I think that is what most of us want.  That chance to link into our children as adults.  To acknowledge them in their own right, no just as our child. 

Betsy -  You are always missed here.  I hope you are okay, you sound just a little bit down........thoughts, prayers and energies are sent to you.......One day with Danny, I'm sure he is with you everyday.

Trudi

[mikesmomrs]

I've tried to imagine what my "one more day" with Mike would be, and today we were fortunate enough to have had his littlest one, Damon, 3, with us for the afternoon and early evening, and were reminded everyo moment of Mike when he was three.  Damon is such a true treasure, and at least a part of my "one more day" would be to sit and watch Mike spend a few moments of one-on-one with Damon...Mike was really worried that Damon seemed to be very slow in learning to talk, and when Mike passed away, Damon was not quite 2, and had only a few words to speak yet.  Fortunately, one of them was daddy, but like everything else, said it only now and then... Damon is full of words now; they spill out of his lips with a sweet resonance, bringing us up on the latest happenings from his little world.  On Saturdays in particular, he likes to dress like "Steve," from Blue's clue's, and goes in and out of character all day...and quickly reminds us of his "character" if we forget and refer to him as Damon...

Damon's mom, Sarah, does a really good job of letting Damon know about his daddy, with keeping pictures around, talking about him whenever Damon has a question, or relating a story that might be appropriate at the time.  When he is with his brothers (his brothers live with their mom, as they are from Mike's first marriage), they also speak of their dad freely if the occasion presents itself, and do not hestiate to tell a story if they remember something pertinent to the present time.   It is difficult with a child Damon's age, though, as the other day Damon told his mommy that he wanted to go "to daddy's house, so I can see him..."   --how does one explain that to a three year old...they are so "matter of fact" and in the "here and now..." talking about their daddy living with God now just doesn't make any sense to a three year old...he still wants to "go there..."

I know that Mike is with Damon, just as he is with us all, but my "one more day" would certainly include spending the day with Mike and his family...watching him loving his boys,---the last March that Mike was here, one Saturday was a particulary beautiful sunny day, and we all went to fly kites on the beach.  Mike wanted to see how far his would go, so he tied extra string on it, and it flew so high we could barely see it anymore, but when he tried to bring it down, he got into all kinds of trouble because with such a long string on it, it was difficult to control.  The boys were going crazy watching him trying to control it and bring it in!  I thank God so much for these memories, and yet my heart cries out for more...so, our day would definitely include time at the beach...

I think that my one more day would have to be a day that I didn't know was "just one more" because if I did, then, even though Mike is a grown man, I would be tempted to just sit there and hold him, all day, taking in the smell of him, the feel of him, listening to his voice, his laugh, drinking in his essence, storing it all up for when the day would end and I would have to rely on my imagination and what my heart spills out to me, once again.  Silly, I know, to think of just sitting there holding him all day, and selfish, too, and I know that I wouldn't let that happen, I would share him with everyone, and everyone would be there, gathering love from him one more time...but, this is a "fantasy" isn't it...

I would take a thousand pictures, from every angle, with every situation imaginable...being sure to get many, many with all of the people who love him...we have lots of pictures of Mike and his family, but a lot of them are of this one or that one, and not nearly enough of people together...I would make sure we had tons of them with "heads all together," cheeks touching, arms around each other, beaming smiles, love spilling from one to another....our family was always doing something, so those types of posed pictures are not nearly as many as I would like...Mike is with this one or with that one, but not too many where he is with everyone...and I would want more of those.

 

Bonnie:  with us knowing that Mike was leaving us, we did say many things, and I don't think anything was left unsaid with us either...much love was shared, pain was shared also, but we tried to focus on the positive as much as possible, and with Mike, that was a must...he was a very "what is, is" type of person, very  "we can't do anything about that, so why worry about it" type, and he infected us all with that attitude.  He said he knew where he was going when he died, and that he didn't want to sit around worrying about it--God was waiting for him, and one day we would all see each other again.  But yet, there are still thousands of words in my heart that scream to be spoken to him, making my heart burst on the days when I am in that pit of pain over missing him so much.  There is never enough time, whether we "know" or not, there is never enough.  

 

Trudi:  we had some turbulent times with Mike, also, just as most families do with growing sons, but I was fortunate enough to have suffered through some of the "silent treatment" times when I was growing up, (and see it still, in my extended family) and we refused to let it happen with our own family...times of "not speaking" were just not an accepted thing, and we had a family rule that we never let the sun set on silence..."agree to disagree" and move towards tomorrow was the only way, and for some blessed reason or another, we were fortunate enough that the kids followed that unspoken rule, also...

 

Greg:  thank you for bringing this up, this "one more day" fantasy idea...it has brought back sweet memories and given me a chance to travel through a day that can only exist in my imagination, but still warms my heart.

 

Betsy:  I am so sorry to hear of your "pit time" but am glad to hear that you are slowly coming back up to the surface again...it is, as you said, a process, and we go through it over and over again, never knowing when we will slide down again, but so thankful that we have our loved ones and those wonderful friends we've made here also, to help us find our way out again, and our sweet angels with us, all the way.  You are in my prayers and thoughts for a continued return to the surface.

 

Kathy:  Still keeping your hubby in my prayers and thoughts for a complete recovery...I know that when Mike was put on steroids, the place they impacted negatively were his leg muscles, his legs became very weak whenever he was on  a higher dose, to the point of not being able to walk.  I am sure that if there is anything else going on, the MRI should pick it up...but I pray that he gets a clean bill of health.   I do love your idea about the Easter eggs, though, and having people write things on them to place them at Jessica's site...a really loving idea.

 

Sal:  I share your pain at shopping, also.  Having the grandkids, like Kathy said, is a blessing, but also forces us to go through the holiday events as expected, when sometimes we just want to stay in bed and not come out til it's over...I am so very thankful for them, though, and for the joy they bring...Mike just loved  holidays, of any kind, and we have to overcome our inner desire to hide under a rock, in order to honor the memories that he left us from those he spent with us here.

 

Sorry I have rambled on again...a by-product of the four hours or so of sleep that I generally experience---like Trudi, and any hours beyond that are usually spent mindlessly in front of the TV or here, or trying to fall into the pages of a book, with sleep a long way from my capabilities.  The four hours, though, seem to be where I've "settled" into, and are an improvement over the 1-2 that I was getting many nights for months after Mike's passing. 

 

love and peace to all

carol

 

Mike, flying a kite, March 11, 2006

[momgran]

To All:  I haven’t posted in quite some time, and to be perfectly honest, I haven’t even been reading on a regular basis.  When I came to our precious B.I. today, I’m amazed at how this ‘life force’ that has been created here is teeming with wonderful thoughts and feelings emanating from souls of parents who have had to say good bye to their precious children.  Most parents find the ‘empty nest’ a critical time in their lives, having to see their children go off into the world and fend for themselves.  A major adjustment emotionally.  How much more traumatic for us to have to see our children leave this world altogether!

 

I haven’t been able to read all your posts for the last couple of weeks, but my heart goes out to the newcomers. Coming here is definitely the best move a newly bereaved parent can make.  My daughter Pippa and her little boy, Kieran, died in a car accident in South Africa on Oct 22, 2006 and when I think of where this journey has taken me, I’m astounded!  

 

In January, my sister Stella was diagnosed with terminal metastatic lung cancer.  She was given only weeks to live.  We are a large family and we’re doing our very best to give her whatever good quality of life that is left for her and dread the awful end process that is still to come. We are keeping her at home and doing shifts to care for her.  I’m very sorry Carol, to hear of your dear friend, No doubt she was like a sister to you.  At least now, she’s at peace.  But you all now have to get accustomed to life without another loved one.  Oh dear.

 

I found the discussion on ‘one more day’ very thought provoking.  I recently read the Oprah Book Club selection “A New Earth’ by Ekhart Tolle and would highly recommend it to all who need spiritual comfort, as we all do as we travel this lonely road.  It gave me a lot of affirmation to the ‘truths’ that I have learned on my way through life as well as some new, wonderful insights into our existence and purpose here.  Our physical lives will all end one day and all we really can do is to live and learn and make the most of each moment that life affords us!  I can’t honestly say that I would ‘want’ one more day here on earth with Pippa and Kieran.  As many have already said, it wouldn’t be enough and also to have to say good’bye at the end of it would be too much.  I don’t believe that I would share any more with them if they were here physically, than I can now with their essence in my heart, soul and mind.

 

I am learning, as my heart begins to heal, that I still have a wonderful relationship with them and I am slowly, but surely allowing our physical relationship to recede into the past, transformed into beautiful memories.  I still weep every day, and I know there are still going to be tsunamis down the road, as you, Dear Betsy, have just experienced.  But I’m also learning that ‘living’ in the moment can provide us with great joy and insights and the ability to handle whatever life sends our way.

 

I’m planning to create a foundation for several  charities in my babies’ honor and I believe this will help create a new purpose to their lives, and mine.  I’m hoping to do a fundraising activity three times a year, one for each of their birthdays and their Angel Date.

 

Life has changed in the past 16 months, and it still has it’s beauty despite the deepest heartache.

 

Love Peace and Patience

Debbie

 

Here’s a family favourite photo – Pippa and Kieran and my son, Uncle Topher!

 

[mattewmess]

Hello Everyone,

Thank you for your thoughts. I am glad to hear from the people that are ahead of me in this journey to see their growth. It is even more impressive when you know from where they have come. Matt has been gone 6 months, I still don't understand why I did not die too, it feels like I did, but my old body keeps moving around. We celebrated my eldest son's 25th birthday yesterday, Matt's is next. I am able to go to work, make the birthday's nice for my two other children, keep the house cleaner, even started working on repairs again, I look OK from the outside, but I am sleepwalking. I guess this is how it is, I do wonder if there is a part of me that will never wake up again. I think about one more day, I would take him to Johns Hopkins Mood Disorder Clinic and then what? Would he take meds regularly, follow any plan? Would I spend the next several years just following him around and monitoring him because I needed him to be alive? Matt did what Matt wanted to do from the time he could walk. I just don't know. I read about so many mother's that had their kids on the right meds, seeing the right counselors, etc. and still the same results. It breaks my heart to think just how ill he was and we didn't understand. I was warned that it could get tougher and in some ways it is a little easier and in other ways - much tougher. It seems that he got most of my attention when he was alive and he continues to get most of my attention even in his death. I know Matt knew I loved him, he knew how much, and that is the hardest part because he couldn't tap into that at the end, he was too far gone. I wouldn't need one more day to tell him that I loved him or hear that he loved me, maybe I would need one more day to tell him if this is the way it has to be, I will try to understand and 'see you later'. Today is a hard day, he died on a Sunday. Thank you for being there. I keep you in my prayers, Terry

Here is the silly boy!

[ericasmom]

Hi Everyone,

I have thought about one more day as well...and I feel that I could not bare one more day for the same reason some of you have stated. I guess I would be terrified for the sun to set on that day, that I would have to let go of my girl, ERICA, again which is impossible. I could not let go twice.

When Eri was hit by the train, I knew that she would die hours before I knew what kind of accident she was in...we live in Chicago area and she was living in Kalamazoo, Michigan. The drive was horrible and I knew that they would put me in a small room to tell me she was not going to make it. It is what they did, but she lived for 5 more days on life support before we made that ultimate decision to let her go. WE had that one day left with her hooked up to so many measures, one day to make sure we said all that was in our tortured hearts, and about 100 poeple were there that day adn each of the days that Eri hung on. We had one more day to let her know that it was almost time to be free, that we would never be mad at her leaving only sad and to forgive us our sadness please. We faced our last days with Erica Eileen the best ways we could, and I know she felt our love surround her and buoy her, it was as though she were the kite and we had to launch her to heaven and let go of the cord. Hardest moment and yet I know it was what she needed, expected from us. I know she knows it was the most difficult action we could ever take.

I still get knocked out at times since she left, I figure I always will because there is no way it will ever really make sense that she is gone, but it just is what it is, and she would be really mad at us if we stayed still in our loss.

As with many of you here, i feel my child with me and I have come to feel the peace that exists in my loss...she lets me feel her peace, she visits me and  her friends in dreams, (i love those dreams with her, visits for sure), and she makes sure her brother and cousins know she is about. I love my time with her when I walk in the forest and feel as though she is right beside me. I will miss my daughter for all time, but I will always have her deeply in my life, my heart, my spirit.

I have an Erica fund at the school where I teach. This fund allows me to write checks for activities and clubs for the children from our school that are in financial need. I write these in Erica's name and know that she smiles each time we are able to help make a child's life a bit more sound.

Until later,

Peace in all you do,

Dee

[heathershope]

mamabets

Thank you for the intro.  Heathers ingeneral are very special I think...I know mine is.  We just came from the movie Penelope...because that was Heathers nickname and it was a message from her right down to the butterflies in scattered throughout the movie (my husband called her butterfly) and the song "you are my sunshine" which we sang to Heather all the time when she was little and throughout her life.  The message of the movie was love yourself how you are right now for your self.  Great message to remind me of my beautiful daughter.

 

I am sorry for your loss.  I like your philosophy.  I f I didn't know Heather was in a place of peace and beauty I could not survive this.

 

Terri

[heathershope]

Terry

I think anxiety and worry over the safety of our remaining loved is intensified for all of us.  It's the knowledge that this can happen to you too that never lets you rest easy again.  I think that I never thought anything like this could happen to me so and it did so what is to prevent it from happening again?  That terrifies me.  I know I have to get over thinking that way but I don't know if I could survive something like this again.  It is almost ten months and the pain keeps getting worse it seems.  I miss Heather and as we approach the one year mark I feel the anxiety building in me, it's like a pressure and and I want to escape it but I can't.  Everything makes me cry.  It's like a regression of sorts.  I was doing "better' for awhile and now it is just overwhelming me again.  I suppose this is going to be a long journey full of ups and downs.  I have no choice but to go along for the ride, so I get up every day and fight to get through another day without my child.  It is the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night. 

 

Glad to hear your kids are finding some happy new experiences.  God bless their souls that they had to be introduced to this kind of pain at such an early age.

 

Take care of your self.

 

Terri

[ericasmom]

It is very difficult to stop worrying about those loved ones here with us after we have lost a child. I battle it less now, knowing that we cannot change events in this world through our worry. But I agree, one never rests as easy as prior to losing a baby/child. If worry prevented it, none of us would be here because Lord knows we all spent time worrying about our children over the years. Eri caused many hours of worry in her short life, as she was prone to quick decisons and had a very hard time with school all of her life. Eri was gifted in the area of friendships, she and her brother both have the most incredible friends and always have had that wonderful way with people.

 Erica and I had hung up the phone a half hour prior to her being hit by the train and our last words were lovely and I thank God for them. I called her that evening because I wanted to thank her for the surprise visit she paid two days prior and to see if she bought a new cell phone. I was worried that without a phone she may have a problem and not be able to get help. She laughed at my worry, said that she was glad that she picked up a new phone that day so that we could talk. WE laughed and and hung out on the phone for about 10 minutes, " I love you Mom," were the last words she said to me, and mine too,' I love you like crazy Eri."

One half hour later the dreaded phone call came telling me that my daughter was in an accident. Life will always hold that pain, but it will also always hold the joy of having Erica as my daughter.

If you ever need a great book that jsut is spiritually great, Annie Lamott's, Traveling Mercies fabulous, as is a book by Alison Smith called, Name All the Animals. There  are many great books that deal with the kind of ache we know. I have read many. If you read Paula, by Allende, (i think )you will weep and you will see yourself in there as with the other books. WE are made new by the births of our babies and made different by thier deaths, but they will recognize us even when we don't always recognize ourselves.

Peace All,

Dee

[daveydow1]

Momgran, Debbie,

Yes, I agree with you-----thinking about having 'one more day' with our

beloved children would indeed be a slice of heaven. However, for me,

there would be that nagging thought of having to say goodbye again.

I often think about "one more day', but I doubt I would write about it.

I keep writing in my journal, though, and that does give me a chance to

express my steadfast love for my son, Davey.  As you say, our dearly

departed loved ones are always with us, morning, noon and night, and

in our dreams.  Peace be with you, Debbie.

                                                   Daveysmom,    Sherry 

[daveydow1]

Ericasmom, Dee,

We do,gradually, come to accept the things we cannot change. The anxiety

has softened for me, since it has been nearly 5 years since my son passed

over. Your photo of sweet Erica is so beautiful. All those "lasts" and "firsts"

are so bittersweet. I pray that you can find comfort in your wonderful

memories of your dear daughter, each and every day. Peace to you.

                                                      Daveysmom, Sherry  

[4everjoeysmom]

I feel very blessed in that I can think of "one more day" and be led to the very last day I had with Joey as what would be my wish for a perfect day with him.

I had spent the night at his campus apartment and it was wonderful to see that his way of living was clean, orderly and he was happy.  We woke that following morning, hung out casually, played on my new laptop, drank coffee, and he cooked for me one of his famous breakfast sandwiches.  One of his friends popped in with a breakfast to-go bag and sat with us for more time of "just hanging out" and having a lazy morning.  We showered and went out shopping for a while.  Joey picked out some nice new shirts.  (I have them here with me and plan to add the material to a quilt in the future.)  After shopping and lunch at the mall food court we drove around the campus of IL State and Joey showed me where friends lived, where classes were, and where he liked to hang out when he wasn't studying.  About 4:00 we went back to his place, changed clothes, and waited for his girlfriend to arrive.  (It was my first time meeting her.)  My son Patrick and his girlfriend, Joey and I and his girlfriend, the friend from breakfast, and three other friends all met at Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner.  We spent a few hours there.  Unfortunately we had a terrible service experience, but it was very memorable as we wound up getting the restaurant to comp the entire check for all 9 of us.  We went back to Joey's so I could collect my stuff, as I was heading out to Patrick's that night, and to the airport the next morning.  I remember the biggest, best Joey hug ever, kissing him, and telling how much I love him and how very much I will miss him--as I would be leaving a few days later for Ecuador and I wouldn't see him for a time.  I remember him standing there with his girlfriend as I got into Patrick's car.  And I remember him waving a very long and sad good-bye before turning to go into his apartment building.  We spent that entire day in a mode of cherishing every moment.  I relished in it, and I know he did too.  If I had only one more day with Joey to make the most of a day, I don't believe I would change one single thing.  We had the chance to love and to share, and to say our good-bye--without realizing it was THE GOODBYE.  (Three months later he was gone.)  

That was my "one more day", and it was one of the very sweetest days of my life with Joey.  I will treasure it until I see him again..................................I miss you my beautiful firstborn, my baby, my son.

 

[briansdad]

The reason for the one more day is not to think about another good bye. I know how hard that thought is,it's to think about the things we loved to share with our kids.The good. Not the horrible news about losing them.I know for myself the more I push that day into the back of my mind the better off I am. That being said I still have it sneak back and give me a good kick and I'm learning to kick back.I know how hard that can be for new parents here. but in time it will ease, how long of a time no one can say. That will depend of your individual situations.I'm a little apprehensive still with the coming of April, it will be Brian's fourth birthday in heaven. I still plan to have a party as though he were still here.We will also go out to the road where he died and pick up the trash.We adopted it in his memory.All I'm trying to say is,there is hope. It's all we have. 

[mattewmess]

The last time I saw Matt was good. It was the Friday before he died. I had worked all day. I was pretty tired but something told me to go see Matt in person. He worked nights at a beer and wine store. He loved his job, he worked with a bunch of other college kids, they had a great time there. I got to talk to him for awhile, about what we were going to do together, 'fix up his house, buy college stuff, etc.' He helped me pick out some fancy beers for a nurse at my job that was retiring. He was a little upset that his psychiatrist did not call him back. I said that I would get someone else on Monday and he said OK. The store was full of people, I went out to my car, but saw him through the huge glass windows. I went back in and asked for a kiss, he leaned over the counter and hugged me and kissed me in front of everyone and said 'I love you, mom'. I said 'I love you too'. He had that look he gets like - that's my mom. I spoke to him on Saturday, he was OK, surfed all day and worked and went to a party. He was suppose to go surfing at 5 or 6 AM that Sunday morning. He use to hug me until my feet came off the floor.

I recently learned that he was depressed at college in California. He stayed in his room for an entire semester, he even ordered food that could be delivered to his room so he did not have to leave. We didn't know anyone atCal Poly so we did not know. I remember trying to call him and he was too busy to talk, I thought he was busy with friends and activities. Now that the grades are on the computer and you have to have a password, we did not have access to their grades. My husband did not want to be intrusive and I did not want to be the 'bad' parent - demanding to see his grades, so to this day I don't know what they were. But when he wanted to come home, I let him. He was able to transfer to SU for his second year. Maybe I left him alone too much. My first question at work is 'how are the grades?' as a measure of coping.

I am glad that I have a good last memory of him on that Friday night. He had just gotten a haircut and was so proud of it, wanted to make sure I noticed. It is strange how he will forever be twenty no matter what age I am and the other kids are. I think it is strange too that my favorite movie is 'It's a Wonderful Life' with Jimmy Stewart. I often wonder what my life would have been like if he had lived, just like the movie. I guess this is the thinking that can drive you mad. Sorry, just had to say it somewhere. Since it has been six months I am finding that most people have moved on and while I am glad for them, I am not in the place they are. Thanks for being there. Who did people talk to before computers? Maybe the communities were closer, now it is the cyber community? It is nice to have a way to vent at 4 AM without waking anyone up. Good night and sweet dreams of our babies, Terry

[ericasmom]

Hey Sherri,

I think your boy Davey and my girl, Eri, left around the same time. Eri left on July 14th 2003. YOu and I have been on this site for some time, though I have not been on in quite a while. Thanks for your kind words about my girl's pretty picture. She is a sparkle in my world.

I do not feel that thinking of one last day is a sad thought Brian's dad. I feel and lucky for me, have always felt the sense of hope and peace. I guess though, that the first thing that comes to me is the thought of having to know I had a limited time with my daughter. I loved my last day with her as she was,  which was two days before she was hit. She visited me with two friends from Kalamazoo, I had never met them and they were lovely. Eri surprised me and I had abeen going through the photos of she and her brother, Jon. She and Jon lived together. I was going to gather photos to make two albums for them. So she came in and introduced her buddies and then proceded to explain so  many stories through the photos i was looking at. I was able to hear her stories and memories attached to each photo. What a gift I was given that day! At age 19, ERi shared the joys of her life with the two girls with her. WE had our last cup of coffee together and then went to the garden where I took 3 photos of them together next to the BeeBalm. I walked them down the block and hugged and kissed my girl for the last time, held her large hands for the last time. I miss her hands, her loud laugh. But she is embedded in me and I am grateful and made strong by her presence.

Peace all,

dee

[momgran]

Claudia:  You’re last day with Joey was so precious!  Thank you for sharing.  My last day with Pippa and Kieran was 2 years and 3 months before they died and it was beautiful!  Our last emails to each other were on Oct 19, the day before they travelled to Cape Town for the wedding they’d attended and were travelling back from when they died on Oct 22.  The emails were fun and loving and we said ‘I love you’ at the end.  Like you, those were my last contacts with them and I wouldn’t change iany of it for the world, and I share every intimate moment of my life with them every day of my life now.

Briansdad:  The party sounds like a lovely idea.  I had one for Pippa last year and will be doing the same this year with family and friends, in June.  My thoughts on ‘one last day’ are not based purely on the fear of saying goodbye.  They are mainly based on the fact there is nothing more that I need to say or do with them that would change anything between us.  I do, however, appreciate yours and others thoughts on how you would spend it with your children.  Your love for your son is beautiful and inspirational.

Sherry:  I would like to share what happened with the court case in South Africa regarding the truck driver.  Pippa’s boyfriends Mom sent me a lovely email and also one from the driver.  He is a 58 year old man who never had an accident in his life.  He  said he had an asthma attack and passed out and knew nothing until the truck overturned. He was not under the influence of alcohol.  I was told he is a little simple minded and had suffered two broken legs and cannot work again.  He begged for our forgiveness and truly expressed his remorse.  I actually felt sorry or him and asked that if it’s possible, for him to know I forgive him.

Something I’ve wondered is do you think that losing Lisa in some way prepared you for losing Davey?  I wonder that sometimes about my loss of Andrew.

To All:  The terrible fear of losing my son has subsided over time as I learn to accept that ‘what will be will be’.  Also, I think in the early days, we are  so very weak, we actually do fear that another blow would be the death of us as well.

Mattewmess:  I don’t know where to start to say how difficult I know it is for you at this early stage of your grief.  But I do know that there will be better days. But there will also be days where you feel as though you’ve fallen right back to the beginning.  Hold on and know that each day that you face this awful reality, you will learn ever more about yourself and your loved ones.  My thoughts and prayers are with you as you hobble along without Matt and hope that one day you will be able to stride strongly again.

 

Love Peace and Patience

Debbie

[mamabets]

For heathershope~ I sang "You Are My Sunshine" to my kids for years and years and years...I am still singing it to our grandbabies...

The attatched is a picture that Jackie bought while she was here in North Carolina. It is hanging in the girls bathroom at their home in Wisconsin...

LOVE

mamabets 

[mattewmess]

To Everyone,

I really enjoy seeing the pictures of all our beautiful children. I guess it is like saying their name, writing their name, and still wanting to share their pictures. They are not gone as long as we are here, it is difficult for some to understand that. I find myself wanting to put up more pictures. I put his baby pictures on his memorial facebook site. There were plenty of pictures of him at parties, but I wanted pictures of him as a child, doing things he did as a child. The pictures of your children are beautiful and I am glad that for most of you the last time with them was a good time. I think it must be very hard if it was not. My last times with him are burned in my brain. The times that were difficult are hard to reconcile. I know that the people that weren't able to answer his phone calls are having a hard time, especially depending on the message he left. I have been able to talk to most everyone and try to reassure them that there is no guarantee that we could have made a difference and that he could have walked two blocks in any direction and gotten help. The sweet times with him are now sweet memories.

I read a lot now. Thank you for the book recommendations. I listen to spiritual CDs too. I had been listening to Beth Moore and Cloud/Townsend before this al happen and still find great comfort in listening to their voices, or anyone's voice. I was having a hard time with the empty nest and Matt's death emptied it so suddenly and completely. I don't want to be one of those mom's that leans on her adult children so I am finding other things to do. Matt's dog keeps me busy too. He is good company. He is like Matt, just a big puppy.

You are in my thoughts and prayers, Terry

[ericasmom]

WEll, I finally learned how to add my daughter's photo onto the page. I am glad, it always brings joy to my heart to see her smiling as she did. When I first came to this site in March of 2004, there were no photos to view. It creates an even stronger sense of community it seems. The beautiful faces of our children. No other face just like thiers in the world.

I just want to say sweet dreams to all, and to know that you are in my thoughts and my hopes as we walk this road toward spring. For me, it is the 5th spring with Eri gone from here, and April 4th will be the fifth birthday without her physical presence. She would be turning 24. She was born on 04-04-84. I have always loved her numbers. The ancient Chinese and many Native Nations believe 4 to be the holiest of numbers; 4 directions, 4 types of animals; flying, walking 2 legs, walking 4 legs, and those that swim, and 4 seasons. My girl died on the 14 of July which gives her another 4 in her numbers. Four 4's in her dates.

Peaceful night

Dee

[summergirl]

Well I have posted two times tonight with a picture of Tavian and it is not letting me do it so having a few problems - will work on them tomorrow!! So fustrating.

Erica is beautiful, so glad you learned how to post pictures. My heart goes out to you.

I am tired from writing and losing my posts so will be back tomorrow and hopefully things will be better.

Blessed be to all - Kathy

[ericasmom]

Thanks so much, I know that your heart is full of the love of your girl and Tavian, they sure do have you in thier court.

Peace and better picture luck tomorrow.

Dee

[mamabets]

For heathershope~ I wish you a day filled with sunshine.. A picture of a tee shirt that Jackie found in a catalog!!

 

LOVE

mamabets:?

 

[heathershope]

mamabets..Thank you.  A day full of sunshine to you as well.  I think that's something we all could use.    Heatehr had a shirt that lookes very much like that but her said Little miss sunshine on it.

 

It's a pretty sad day today.  The 6 yr old son of an extended family member died last week and his visitation is today.  I can't help but grieve for the knowledge I have that they are just in the process of finding out.  The emotions that take you by surprise.  How they do get worse when the shock wears off.  You think the day your child dies is the worst feeling in the world, until you continue to wake up without them day after day.  The shock when you figure out the world does go on and many people in it don't even seem to realize there is a whole in the universe that was once your beautiful child.  So many things.  I remember my first trip to grocery store after Heather died, talk about something so mundane being so painful.  I almost bought numerous items for her and had to keep remeinding myself she was gone.  Still do sometimes.  It breaks my heart to think of another family just starting this horrific journey.  WOW I am a ray of sunshine aren't I?

 

Lets return to the thank you and good thoughts to you today.

 

Terri

[heathershope]

Mamabets ...Part two

 

I go backwards in the posts I think.  LOVE the picture...LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it.  I envy you.  I am ashamed to admit this but I have a 1 1/2 yr old granddaughter, Madalyn.  She looks just like heather did as a baby and acts like her stubborn aunt Heather too.  I CANNOT bring myself to sing her that song.  I gave her the music box I had made for Heathers 21st birthday that plays it.  I gave her the pillow that plays it.  I will play it for her but I cannot sing it too her.  I know it's stupid because when she was about four months old I heard Heather singing it to her and she told her "Maddy, my mom always sung this to me, now I'm singing it you, you remember you are MY sunshine".  I just feel like I can't give that role of sunshine to anyone else in my life.  Crazy, huh?  I know Heather wouldn't care, so I'm not sure what my problem is.

 

Thanks for sharing and letting me share.

 

Terri

[heathershope]

Terry,

 

I know what you mean about the age thing.  In Heathers birthday memorial in our local paper (her 22nd b-day would have been 10-29-07) we put it "forever 21" because that is how she will always be to us.  I am approaching the year mark (5-12-08) I'm still waiting for the easier.  I remember having a particularly hard time at 6 months.  At the beginning it started out counting hours, then days, then weeks, then months and somehow the day after 6 mos I thought "wow, we are on the downward slope to one year now".  Then I thought how it will then turn to years..plural.  How do you live a year, let alone years without your child?  The thought terrifies me.  I am going into panic mode again as the date approaches.  I am very anxious and so emotional I have backed offf my hours at work because i am just exhausted emotionally.

 

I am glad your last memory was a good one.  I feel for those who were not blessed with that at least.  Isn't it funny when you look back that it almost seems like you knew something..You went back in to get a hug.  He hugged you and told you he loeved you.  So often when I talk to people who's kids have died they all similar experiences, like something just told them to go back or say something.  A little soul warning of sorts, not to allow you to change anything just to allow you the opportunity to say I love you.  

 

I am thinking of you.  Hoping for a little peace for you today.

 

Terri

[ericasmom]

I know what you are feeling about the age of our kids, forever whatever age they are...ERica is forever 19.

As some of you have stated, you are worried about the coming of the first anniversary. There are some different ways to help you handle this anniversary but no matter what, most of us feel the apprehension, the anxiety, and the thoughts that we are no longer able to go forward. You said so clearly that it is umimaginable to have reached one year, and then to think of it in plural is beyond our hearts ability. For that reason, take it one day or one hour at a time when these times occur. The panic or heavy anxiety is exhuasting so please remember to recognize that you must take care of yourselves during these times. Remember to drink plenty of water and juice, replace the water that leaves us with so many tears and so much worry. Eat some protein each day so that y ou can sustain yourself through the extra hard times. Try to get some sun on your face each day, some fresh air. Your kids want you to find your way on this path, and to live your best lives even in the face of such sadness.

Some poeple have found it beneficial to plan a gathering around the time of the anniversary to comemorate the day, the loss, with friends and family. It is something we do each year, we have ERI-FEST in our backyard each July and about 80-100 ffriends and family come. WE make a picnic/barb-b-que and people bring dishes to share. We launch balloons, 19 pink and one white for peace. (ERi loved pink). We play her favorite music when we launch the balloons and attatched to the pink ribbons are th ewishes her friends and cousins write to her. We cry, we laugh and we collect money toward the ERica Reith Fund, which is a charity that benefits children from the school where I teach. All of these things help me, each of you will eventually find ways to best travel these horrendous dates. WE are coming up to our 5th year without Eri, surreal as it seems, it is blindingly real and so for those of you new to this, know that as you go along, life will make more sense one day, and there is no length of time that is common, so do not let others have an unfair expectation of our grief.

Be kind to yourselves,

Dee

[bigmikesmom]

Dee, your words are so inspirational. Thank -you!

Patti-BigMikesMom

[summergirl]

Hello to all - I am at work so I will make this short - I am having a bad set back - just was informed this morning that my good friend lost her 23 year old son - he has been living in Alaska so the whys and hows are few right now - I just want to be with her and hold her hand but since she is on a plane to Alaska I cannot do that, will have to wait until she comes home. I feel her pain so much and it brings me once again into the black pit. My other friend just lost her only daughter, 19, six months ago!! It seems as though each time I move forward a few steps something comes along to throw you back at that brick wall. I am weary of children leaving this earth, I am weary of parents having to start this journey that I have been on for 2 years - enough is enough!!!!

Will post later tonite - just needed to vent a little - God Bless - Kathy

[ericasmom]

Thanks Mikesmom, I hope I can be of some assistance to others along this path.

Kathy, how extrememly sad that your friends have lsot children, I have had similar experiences and it does not only through you back to that time in your own life, but as you said, makes you sick that anyone else has to do this, has to suffer this ache, has to find thier steps on foreign land. Oh so sad. One of the young ladies that both my kids knew all of their lives died in Alaska last May. She was on a canoe with two others, no life jackets on any of them. They were voluteering for AMERICORPS, helping Native Teens learn to overcome hard times and find ways to live a successful life. They went out over the Memorial weekend and the boat apparently tipped. All three drowned, but Kathy's body was not found until July 2. Her service was on July 13, 2007, the day before ERica's anniverssary of 4 years. The whole time while she was being looked for, all of that misery for her family, friends, and then to finally come home for burial. I really went through PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and when I finally realized that I was I called my old therapist to help me through.

Two years after ERi was hit by the train, an old friend whose daughters are the same ages as my kids, went to school with them forever, and she herself a teacher in the same district that I am, was killed when she was hit by a train. I could not believe that we lost a friend the same way we lost my girl. My son was so desperately sad, as was I. We were shocked and have tried to help the family. We get slammed by the events that are life-changing for others, because we know. We know how hard this new life will be. Perhaps our job then, is to be the force for them when they need it. Just like being here, you find that you are here for the next person grieving so deeply as we all do. You are going to be the person that touches another here and helps them see that one more day has passed and the sun shone a bit on them. You may be that person for your friend too. You will understand the time she may need, the way nobody else will. You will have the words of knowing that could comfort her best. If we must go through this tragedy, make us vehicles of help for others.

May we have the strength,

Dee

[heathershope]

Dee/ and everyone

 

Words of wisdom and much appreciated.  We are walking in the Grand Rapids River Bank 5k two days before Heathers 1 yr. anniversary in our Heathers Hope T-shirts.  That we will be hard.  Many friends and family did it last year too and they got back to the house at noon and Heather died two hours later.  Those memories will be ripe. 

We are planning a cookout with family and friends to work at getting Heathers memorial garden back in shape after the winter on May 12. We were also going to release balloons with messages to Heather in Heaven at the cookout.

 We have a Relay for Life planned with her team name Heathers Hope to raise money for American Cancer Society the following weekend.  These things to honor Heather I have in place.  My greatest mistake is looking too far into the future I think.  One day at a time is good advice and sometimes it is one minute at a time.

 

One question I have is do people forget?  At Heathers birthday party 6 mos after her death we had a good turnout, but over time, do the friends and extended family forget?  I don't ever want Heather to be forgotten.  She was such a bright light in the universe...someday when I figure out how to post pictures you can see that .

 

my daughter in law is going to help me with that soon.

 

Thanks for the advice and insight.

Terri 

 

 

[mikesmum]

Terri - I guess they don't forget as much as the significance is lessened for those not living the journey.  You might find those who have lost as you have will know days and special occassions.

Each of us grieves and acknowledges loss individually.  We have passed our 1 year mark.  It was a hard year with each family birthday, Christmas, Easter etc hitting hard.  My daughter asked me to celebrate Mikes birthday but not to celebrate the day he died.  The sadness is never far but she wanted us to remember the life of the boy who became the man........the sum of his life and not define it by that one day.

Kathy - It really is the experience of losing our babies that connects at the very core of our being when we hear of a child dying.  The only positive I have for you is that you are in a place now where your journey experience allows for you to be the guide for those who now find themselves lost.  As weary as you may be and as hard as it seems, you know the pain the disbelief and the anguish your dear friend is facing.  Unspoken words, a touch and just being.......everything you know you can provide. 

Be kind to yourselves - it truly is a one day and sometimes one minute at a time journey.  My energy, strength and prayers are with you all as you approach birthdays, anniversaries and find yourselves supporting those who are lost in their newly found abyss of loss.

Trudi

[mikesmum]

For all - Totally selfish request for feedback from those who would know....................

I have said here at BI that I was in many ways spared much with Mike's passing .  He wasn't suffering a long term painful terminal illness, he wasn't killed in traumatic circumstances, I didn't have to make the decision to turn off life support and most importantly I don't have to relive the horrific circumstances of his death through the legal system. 

I was working as an Ambulance Dispatcher....Dispatched the Ambulance, stood with the calltaker and encouraged her while she commuicated CPR instructions to I believe Mikes partner.  From the communications centre I watched as the crew called full arrest and finally after 55 mins ceased resus. 

The contention is that this would be no different than had I been shopping and got a call.   That when your child has died the reaction of sadness and grief is the same irrespective of circumstance.  

I guess the question is, knowing that losing a child in itself is devestating and life changing......does where you were or what you were doing worsen the loss?  Does it make the healing harder? 

As always - take care........Trudi