Loss of an Adult Child

[briansdad]

Just a song I heard the other day.

 

That anchor man says the fight began

somewhere in the Middle East.

The world prays for peace.

There’s a single mom just got laid off when she lost a job

to some foreign hands in some faraway land.

Last night in Oklahoma some twister took thirteen

and they’re praying that they find the missing three.

God must be busy.

That highway sign went from slow ahead

to traffic’s dead.

Thought it couldn’t get worse than that Amber Alert.

They say she’s 4,

Colorado plates, headed out-of-state in a Chevy van.

It’s hard to understand.

You can see it in the faces of all those highway strangers,

they’re praying that God keeps that girl from danger.

God must be busy.

And I know in the big picture

I’m just a speck of sand

and God’s got better things to do

than look out for one man.

I know he’s heard my prayers

cause he hears everything,

he just ain’t answered back

or he’d bring you back to me.

God must be busy.

That evening news,

Ain’t much changed

pretty much the same

since I left home.

Yeah that war’s still on.

They found that little girl.

She was soaking wet,

half scared to death

on the side of some road.

Them prayers work, you know.

And the Bloods and Cripps are at it,

and theres a killer drought down south,

and old folks can’t afford the drugs

they can’t live with out.

God must be busy.

And I know in the big picture

I’m just a speck of sand

and God’s got better things to do

than look out for one man.

I know he’s heard my prayers

cause he hears everything,

he just ain’t answered back

or he’d bring you back to me.

God must be busy.

That anchorman,

says the fightings worse,

cities burn in the Middle East.

The world prays for peace

Brian loving his baby 

[beccasmom]

Sorry to just jump into the conversation here, didn't know where else to start.  I wanted to share my story about a sign.  First, let me say, my 23 yr old daughter was killed by a drunk driver a year ago on Jan. 21st.  Her name is Rebecca.  We all called her Becca though (she intensely disliked Becky)  She always wore the perfume Pink by Victoria Secrets.  A friend of mine knew I wanted to buy some, so I was given a gift card to the store.  I waited two months before being able to go into the store to get the perfume.  The night before I decided to go, I had a meltdown, found myself curled up fetal position on the floor in front of the shelf that her urn sits on. I was crying and howling and screaming and somewhere in the midst of this, I begged her for a sign that she was alright.  The next day, I pulled myself together and went to the store.  Once in Victoria Secrets, it took me maybe two/three minutes to pick out the perfume. I went up to the counter to pay. the phone rang behind the salesclerk and she asked me to wait a moment.  I did.  she answered the phone and put the caller on hold, then she told another co worker that "Becca was on the phone..."  of the 2 months I had the gift card, the ten minutes I was in the store total, and the handful of minutes I as at the counter, I don't believe it coincidence that I heard her name while I was specifically buying her  perfume.  Just my story. Thanks for reading it.  Bless all that are here dealing with the saddest farewell in human existance, (that is just my opinion).

[beccasmom]

Sorry to just jump into the conversation here, didn't know where else to start.  I wanted to share my story about a sign.  First, let me say, my 23 yr old daughter was killed by a drunk driver a year ago on Jan. 21st.  Her name is Rebecca.  We all called her Becca though (she intensely disliked Becky)  She always wore the perfume Pink by Victoria Secrets.  A friend of mine knew I wanted to buy some, so I was given a gift card to the store.  I waited two months before being able to go into the store to get the perfume.  The night before I decided to go, I had a meltdown, found myself curled up fetal position on the floor in front of the shelf that her urn sits on. I was crying and howling and screaming and somewhere in the midst of this, I begged her for a sign that she was alright.  The next day, I pulled myself together and went to the store.  Once in Victoria Secrets, it took me maybe two/three minutes to pick out the perfume. I went up to the counter to pay. the phone rang behind the salesclerk and she asked me to wait a moment.  I did.  she answered the phone and put the caller on hold, then she told another co worker that "Becca was on the phone..."  of the 2 months I had the gift card, the ten minutes I was in the store total, and the handful of minutes I as at the counter, I don't believe it coincidence that I heard her name while I was specifically buying her  perfume.  Just my story. Thanks for reading it.  Bless all that are here dealing with the saddest farewell in human existance, (that is just my opinion).

[lorismom]

For beccasmom ~ I just want to say how deeply sorry I am for the loss of your precious daughter. I think that Becca gave you a beautiful sign that she is still close by watching over you. I lost my 34-year old daughter Lori in a car accident a little over 3 1/2 years ago. I can relate so much to your intense pain. There is a lot of love and support from so many moms and dads on this site. I hope you will find some comfort and healing with us. Love, Patty

[mikesmum]

To all - for me my belief is that my sons energy is still with us.  Music seems to be the mode Mike chooses to let us know he is here.   On the day he died youngest son had been trying to play a CD at home.....it just wouldn't play.  Minutes before I arrived at his home to tell him Mike had died, it came to life.....the song...'how to save a life' by the Frey.   Getting into his car that afternoon to take his kids to their other grandparents the same song played...........it played constantly in weeks to come.....

Last night I was burning CD'S.....yes Mike, after years of trying to teach me I finally know how!  I have many albums that Mike downloaded and was listening to Eagles LIVE. (yes I am that old).  I was writing an email to Mike to 'brag' about my new found ability when the Eagles stopped playing....a song by Christine Aguilera began to play......."Hurt"........I froze, listening to the words I completely lost it.......overcome with emotion......tears, wailing the whole thing......."I am here with you my son my son".

This particular song Melissa downloaded for Mikes memorial...the melody and words reflective of her loss.......

The signs are there, the hearts, the images, the sounds......keep in touch!

Blessed be those whose hearts and minds open to the wider belief of anything is possible........Trudi

 

[beccasmom]

Thank you.  The night she died, I went to bed around midnight, and woke around two because I felt someone sit on the bed and put a hand on my leg.  I glanced at my phone and the button was flashing, meaning there was a message.  No one was on my bed, but me. To make a long story short, I made it to the accident scene, was not allowed to go down, and was told she was dead.  It's like I went to bed here on earth, only to awaken on another planet.  No pain is greater than the next, I can not imagine having to watch my child die, due to sickness or accident. I don't know if I am lucky to have had it happen so quickly or was somehow cheated out of the knowledge.  Since then, as for everyone, life has been a living ****.  Due to a civil suit, I had to give a deposition, and in the deposition, the attorneys for the other side had me look at six pictures (6!!) of my daughter, dead under the car.  The opposing attornies said they wanted me to identify her....six times?  Just to show how well I am not dealing with this, I ended up in a "facility" last weekend. I could not take another "first"...I felt like I was dancing on an avalanche.  I couldn't get hold of anything, everything was white and washed away, and I was so cold and lonely and overwhelmed and just needed the world, time to stand still....facing another first was more than I could take.  The holiday season, starting in Nov. with my twins bday, to the deposition six days later, then her bday five days after that, then christmas, then the new year (who knew that would be a hard one...) to the last time I saw her and hugged her, to the last time we talked on the phone (Jan. 20 at 1:43P) to the time of the accident, now through the first yr, and my bday only days away, I felt like I was in a boxing ring with that big russian from rocky 4 (I think)...hit after hit, augh....geez I need to stop!  I am bittersweet feeling at having found this site, and needing to be here.  I guess we are all feeling the same thing.  Thank you and my heart goes out to all who belong to this horrible group in life.  Oh, but I did play monopoly for the first time in over a year, didn't want to play the game since the last time, she had played and put it away, Iwanted it left....but I played it with my twins this weekend.  A painful step forward, but necessary.

[daveydow1]

For Beccasmom,

I am so very sorry for your loss of your dear daughter Becca. My son,

Davey, was killed in a highway accident 6/003. This site has been a

lifeline for me. We, here at BI know the pain and sorrow you are going

through, since we have all had losses of our children, and are at various

stages in our journey on this unwanted road. I hope you will continue to

read/post whenever you feel the need. We are all here to help you along

the way.       Daveysmom,   Sherry                                                                    

[beccasmom]

Thank you. I am sorry for the loss of your son.  Somehow,  I think

I should have been with her when she died. I am her mom, I was

there when she came into this world, I should have been there when

she left. (all stuff I am trying to work through, the blaming myself, the

guilt, etc.)  The drunk driver got five years for killing her.  It was his third

drunk driving, and his second had only happened a few months prior.

Sundays are hard for me.  I feel her loss so intensely, she would come

over and have dinner, and "shop" in my kitchen for food (she was a college

student and a nanny, not a lot of money) and do her laundry, and still, at

her age, hop on my lap for a kiss.  Those memories are so close, but so

unreachable.  How is it being five years from the event? If that is too personal,

I am sorry.  You understand the sudden senselessness of a car crash...stinks

to have that kind of insight.  You don't know how much it means to me to talk

to someone who "knows", who hasn't just been trained to know.  Thank you.

[mamabets]

For beccasmom~ My son Danny was 25 in June of 2004, when he left this world. He was in a terrible accident as well...

I don't know where I would have been, shortly after then, and still today, if not for Beyond Indigo.

This is the impossible...We are all surviving the impossible, but I can promise you this. While it never, ever gets "easier", the torture of it all does subside, and therefore it does become softer.

I read an article today about a local family that lost both their daughter AND niece when they were hit by a drunk driver, and the dad was quoted as saying..."The edges become smoother over time".

Being able to share in the hope of a one day, "brighter" tomorrow, was something that I desperately held on to. I remember thinking when I first "met" Beyond Indigo, and I found people that LITERALLY were still alive having been through this..."WOW...Maybe I can do this"

There are still times when I find myself "emotionally" running to this website. Along the way I have found the "safe places" that are always safe, and  ALWAYS here to help.

Always does not mean ALWAYS feeling that you must write. Very often, you will find that just reading helps , and being able to be here for you, helps all of us. We are like a "family" here, and as I have been quoted saying so many times..."I would miss all of you if you weren't in my life today". 

I am so, so, so sorry for your loss. I am so, so, so sorry that you hurt. I, too, had been hospitalized at the very beginning. What a wonderful group of caretakers...I will never forget it, and I am under their care, still. A team of people that truly care, and believe in the miracle of my Danny, still. They look forward to seeing me and sharing in all of his miracles. I am his mom, his one and only mom, and the American Medical Association says that losing a child is the number one stressor...

God love them for the time spent in coming to this realization, but "stressor" can not begin to cover this one... There are no words...

I was at an appointment awhile back, and my nurse practioner wanted to see his website, so we brought it up on her computer. I said "You have to listen to all of the songs here, too". She said "The volume is not on any of the computers here", at which point the backround music came on, and Danny's website was just singing away!!!!! She was COMPLETELY blown away!!!!!

These things help...His miracle signs, like your trip to Victoria Secrets, simply can not be denied. Never, ever question the closeness that you two share, still...

Keeping a journal has helped me, too. I write "Hi Honey" alot, and my library is full. So too are photo albums of miracle pictures collected since that fateful night.

I am just as involved in Danny's life now, just differently. People say "You are so strong". I assure them all that I have never been weaker, will remain this way, yet I do love participating in life again, and I do, My sweet daughter, Jackie, 14 months younger than her brother, suffered a tremendous loss as well. She has 2 beautiful babies, Julia, 8, and Caroline is 11 months...Julia was 5 years old when she lost her "Uncle", and Caroline met him before she met all of us. I do get lost in all of them. I have a dear husband that lost all of us, when we lost Danny... Jackie and Julia moved away, and I collapsed.

Believe it or not, something does keep you going. A long time ago, LONG before Danny passed away, a sister whom I adore, said to me "I'll never understand how a Mom can fall apart when she has kids...". My reply at the time was "The same as if she didn't. Life can be very cruel."

BOY, did we find out...

Fortunately, my "bestest" friends have always been my kids. Danny called me once and said "Hey Mom, is bestest a word?". I said "For you??? SURE!!!"

Keep coming back here....We all "get it", and will be here for you in any way that we can.

LOVE

mamabets  

[beccasmom]

Mamabets,

 

Thank you for writing to me. You are right, reading does help. What you

said, about the father saying "the edges grow softer", is a very nice way

to say it.  I don't know if you, or anyone else, has felt that letting the

edges become softer is being disloyal to your child.  I have felt, and made sure,

if my grieving was not debillitating, I was not grieving hard enough.  She, as

were all of our children, was incredible.  Like you said, turning 23, our

relationship was changing slightly, a little less a mom who had to be there

to kiss a skinned knee or to to parent teacher conferences, but more as

friends, she even invited me to her 22 birthday party, you know, the one

with all her friends, but no family:)  Every tiny memory, or tiny thing she had

done, or we had done, I couldn't face doing them. Simple things like playing

monopoly, eating at a certain restuarant.  Driving down the main street by my

house, I pass the house we lived in, where she grew up, her first apartment

she had for three years, the funeral parlor we used for her, and her high

school.  It's like little stabs every time.  I do want to ask, you said your daughter

had trouble, how did you all deal with this? My twins are 14, they spent so

much time with their sister. Telling them was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

Knowing the minute I opened my mouth, and said the words, would be a

pivotal, irreversible moment in their lives. I had to deliver to them the words that 

at this point would cause them the most anguish they had ever felt.  I have them

in counseling ( which they say they don't need), family counseling, and

keep a very very open dialogue. ( one of them wants to know how the

accident happened, as in ... how did the car land, how did sissy land, etc.

To me, the edges are still rough, not a smooth edge where you get cut

and don't realize it until you see the blood, but a jagged edge which rips and

tears and causes a scar that will never heal properly.  Wow, I sound pathetic.

Are you sure I can be here??

Thanks for listening,

Diane

 

[veronicasmom]

Oh,  Diane, wonderful mom to Becca.  Reading your posts is like reading about me.  Everything, from feeling your daughter touching you to hearing her name out of nowhere, has happened to me.  My daughter Veronica, age 29,  died October 17, 2007, very suddenly due to a brain aneurism.  Veronica was my only girl.  She was my daughter, my love, and my best friend.  Devastation doesn’t even get close to describing our emotions.  I remember one day totally falling apart and lying on the floor crying for her to come back.  My sons had to pick me up and hold me.   I also have a hard time going to our favorite stores or enjoying things that we did together.  Only recently I was able to fix a favorite meal of hers.  It was very hard to know that we were going to enjoy it again while she could not—ever.  I also do believe in little signs.  Veronica is not a very common name and yet I hear or read her name daily at least 2 to 5 times, sometimes on TV, radio, stores or in the paper.  Perhaps a coincidence, perhaps she letting me know “I’m here, Mom”.  Three months is not a very long time but things are less raw now.  Part of me wants to go on and the other half feels guilty to do so.  And writing all this down feels so good.  Beccasmom, here is a big hug for you.  D

[summergirl]

Beccasmom - I too have lost my only daughter Jessica, age 26 on February 18, 2006. She had a rare heart disease that was never found and the sudden loss of her was something we never imagined or thought about. I too could not go to places she loved, past her apartment, her place of work, popcorn and movies snuggled on the couch, so many hundreds of things I could not do and still do not do some of them. I do however, wear her favorite perfume!! I had bought it for her the last Christmas with us and when I wear it now on special occasions (very few) I feel as though her arms surround me in a hug as they used to.

When I was led to this site it took me 2 months before I could write, I would just read and was overcome by the amount of emotions that hit me each time I read, it was as though I were reading my own thoughts. I find this site to be such a blessing yet I wish I were not traveling this road that has led me here.  I have come a long way in my "baby steps" with the encouragement, support, wisdom, strength and love from all of those who travel this road and post on this site. We have cried together, listened and stumbled so many times but this site keeps the mind and soul moving forward. It is one of my "safe" places.

I am at work so I must go but I wanted to let you know how sorry I am for the loss of your beautiful Becca. I hope that you will continue posting and sharing with all of us or just reading - this site allows you the freedom to say and do as you please.

Peace be with you and Prayers - Kathy

[summergirl]

Hello to all - I am home from another day of work and have about an hour before Tavian needs to be picked up - this is "swim night", it is an afterschool program, they go to the YMCA and swim - he loves it.

Not been good these past few days. Started on Friday night when my sister-in-law told me that ever since we got custody of Tavian I have been going backwards and that it is time for me to move forward - it really took everything in me not to get in her face and scream those words "when you walk in my shoes" but I kept my calm and simply turned to her and said "do you see your beautiful daughter-in-law sitting next to you? now try to imagine never seeing her again, well you can't imagine it because it is the unimaginable in your life".  I honestly do not know what people expect of us, do they think you lose a child and after a certain amount of time you say ok, i am all better now and your life goes back the way it was before?? This is my life "after Jessica" and no matter how many days or weeks or years go by life will never go back to the "way it was".  My sister-in-laws daughter-in-law came over the next day to apologize, I told her it was not her fault and she said I just don't understand why they cannot leave you alone, it makes me angry that they expect things of you that they donot understand. I told her some people will never understand it. It is funny how the people in my life who seem to "get it" are the young people, Jessica's friends and the young ones in the family. I don't know, I guess I just need to accept the fact that they are never going to understand so just deal with it.

Today I had to plan Tavian's birthday party - we are going to have a "cosmic bowing party" at the bowling ally - it is what he wants to do. It was so hard to do it, I keep thinking the same thing "why, why, why is Jessica not here to be his mommy and plan his birthdays and all the other thousands of things she should be doing, not me"!! It is going to be on February 10th, his birthday is the 11th, I have to do it that weekend as exactly seven days later it is Jessica's Angel date. Jessica's friends want to do a candle light memorial but I do not know if I am up to it - I am avoiding the fact that it will be "2 years" since I have seen her, talked to her, hugged her, laughed with her, on and on and on I could go. Yesterday I was home alone and I was skipping through the channels and there was the movie "Steel Magnolias"!! I cannot believe that I actually watched it and cried through the whole thing - Jessica and I used to watch it and we cried every time - why do I torure myself sometimes - is it because I feel the need to share something with her that we used to do and then I end up this sobbing, hysterical mess of a person??

As to what Becca's mom said about being there when our child comes into this world, isn't it right to be there when they go out, to be able to say good by? there is no way to say good by no matter whether you slowly lose a child or suddenly lose a child.    Am I rambeling again? So many things on my mind and I suddenly feel as thought I cannot say them, as though my head knows what to say but my fingers cannot type the words.

I miss you Jessica, I miss you bringing your laundry over, I miss you curled up on the couch reading, I miss seeing you with Tavian, playing, laughing and loving him. How will I ever be able to let him know what a beautiful, wonderful, loving mommy you were, how much you loved him? Do I have the strength to be what he needs? Keep teaching me my baby, keep holding me up as you have done and I will keep moving forward and doing the best that I can. I love you so my daughter, my friend - love mom.

[mikesmum]

Betsy you really have captured the essence of being here at BI.  The softening of the edges is an accurate analogy.  The softening of the edges is not something we let happen.  It is a healing of the heart to a level where the rawness eases, but don't ever think this is being disloyal to your child....on the contrary, I find my peace from knowning Micheal would not want his mother to suffer as I did in the beginning.

Dianne - you most definitely should be here.........losing a child is something that has an enormity and unpredictability of emotions never before known to any of us. The way in which we grieve is as individual as the precious life we are grieving.

Early last year I was where you are now....each minute of every day felt like I was caught in an emotional abyss.  Struggling to stay upright, being overwhelmed by what felt like crashing waves that dumped me time and time again.   Questions about Mike’s death and what happened on the day the hardest part of this journey.   My ‘normal life’ had been obliterated and I found nothing familiar that would save me.

Please don't measure the love or the loss of your child by the 'socially accepted' level of grief some would have you believe you need show.  Unless you live it, you won’t get it.  The best part of BI is that fact that all here truly do get it.  Without knowing you personally, just that you have lost a child, is all any of us need to know to understand where you are at this  time in your life.

Come often, read, post if you feel but never ever feel alone.  The one thing I want more than anything is to have Micheal back in my life.  As the realisation he isn’t coming home hits, I find myself here with the BI family - many times the only soft place to land!!

Take care, be kind to yourself as best you can, if you can’t let others that know take care of you………it is no sign of weakness to accept help.

Blessed be…..Trudi

[mikesmum]

Kathy - Just missed you by minutes!!  I am sorry your sister-in-law hasn't made it to the "would you like to be in my life" classes!!  Going backwards??  In terms of where your life should be if all things were equal I guess, but in reality, just a little left of your sister-in-law, raising the amazing Tavian, seeing him grow, knowing your daughter did something pretty amazing having him....all in all moving forward in my opinion.

Steel Magnolias - now that is a 3 tissue box movie.  Always was. The writer based it on the loss of his own sister.  I am always drawn to two scenes in this movie and thought of you today.........At the cemetry everyone asks Sally Fields if she's okay....."I am fine" is her repetitive response......"I could jog all the way to Texas and back...but my daughter.....she never could".  The raw emotion is real.  I have on a number of occassions wanted to scream those lines when asked if I am okay!!!

The other is a little more aimed at you and your beloved Tavian.  Julia Roberts lines when telling her mum she is having a baby......."I would rather have 3 mins of wonderful than live a life of nothing special"   Jessica has given you her 3 mins of someone special....so that he can have a life time of "something special".

I realise you now know how many times I have watched this and perhaps being able to quote from the script is a little concerning.....but hey, its who I am.....

Blessed be.....Trudi

[4everjoeysmom]

Trudi, you said that so very well, and I whole heartedly agree with every word...  Becca's Mom, I lost Joey one week before he would have turned 24.  He was still in college too.  The story about "fridge shopping" made me smile.  And I can smile today when a year ago I was feeling so very much like you are.  As time has gone on for me and healing has begun its journey, I've learned more to capture Joey's essence in my heart and memory in a way that I know with great certainty is honoring him, regardless of how many tears fall.  He knows how much I love and cherish him.  That's comforting to me.  I don't feel the need anymore to measure my tears, although they still come.  And as the edges have begun to soften considerably for me, I know he must be happy for me that I can truly live beyond the incredible pain that will always be a part of me.  A year has taught me so much.  Your journey is so new.  Be gentle with yourself.

I pray for all of you, and especially those who are so new to this journey.  Hugs, Claudia

[daveydow1]

For Diane, Beccasmom,

You wondered how it is for me, nearly 5 yrs. after my son, Davey's death.

I have to echo what others have said here; that the 'edges are softer',

and the pain "softens" also.  The sorrow, and loss are always there, though.

My husband and I were not there when Davey passed---he died  1 hr. after his

accident.  The semi-truck driver was not drunk, but he WAS asleep at the

wheel---a local driver.  He got no time in jail. Yes, 5 yrs. jail time for the

drunk driver who killed your beloved Becca seems like a slap on the wrist

to him, and a slap in the face to you & your family.  Somehow, I believe that

God spared us in not being there when Davey died. His injuries were extensive.

Please don't be hard on yourself for not being there when darling Becca passed

into heaven. Of course, it is a highly personal thing, but I've come to believe

that Davey passed into eternity immediately after the wreck------  God not

waiting 1 hr. to welcome him into heaven.  It very likely could have been the

same for your dear daughter, Becca.  You are in the right place, coming to BI.

We help ourselves by possibly giving even some small measure of comfort to

others.   Take care.                        Daveysmom,   Sherry

[bigmikesmom]

Becca's mom, Diane,Veronica's mom,

My name is Patti(bigmikesmom) I am so so sorry for your losses. I too lost my Mikey, 20 years old, also in college ,home for the Thanksgiving weekend,in an auto accident,  on Thanksgiving Day Nov 23 , 2006.We were right behind my 2 boys.It happened on my road- 1 mile down from our house. I can empathize with all your feelings. I am glad I found BI. It is so unbelievable how our beloved children can be here one second and gone the next, no warning, nothing, just Gone. It seems so senseless. I was hit by that thought today. How could Mikey be gone? It's not true. I haven't been able to be on this site regularly these past 2 weeks because I am in NC, no frequent access to computer. I missed it so much I got the alarm for the office I am in so I could come on after i FINISHED WORKING. i JUST GOT BACK INTO THE world. i HAVE BEEN AT HOME IN oHIO EVER SINCE THE ACCIDENT BECAUSE MY EMPLOYER AT THE TIME SAID i WAS A DIFFERENT PERSON AND WANTED ME TO TAKE A LEAVE SO I RESIGNED. There are such kind, loving people on these sites. They have helped me and some of them don't even realize it. Kathy, I want to say how proud I am of you to be taking such wonderful care of Tavian (I hope I have that right) You sound like a wonderful MOM. Do not worry about what others say, like your sister-in-law, I think you handled that well. I wish I could hug each of you. Mamabets, I haven't talked to you lately but I learn from everything you write, you were so kind to me when I first came to this site,as all of you have been.

Patti(bigMikesMom

[bigmikesmom]

Debbie, I forgot to say what a beautiful pic of pips and kieran. They are both BEAUTIFUL. I HAVE BEEN THINKING OF YOU!

Patti BigMikesMom

[mikesmum]

Debbie - Thanks for visiting Micheals memorial.  His sister Melissa helped me out with much of it.  I never got the hang of 'downloading music'.  Photos are more my expertise!  Sadly, Steven, Mikes younger brother has never visited.  He struggles with seeing Mikes picture.

I never cease to be amazed at the beauty that comes through when pictures of our beloved ones are posted.  Your recent pictures of Pip & Kieran show that connection between mother and son shining through to the one taking the picture.  I always wonder who takes some of the photos.  When choosing one for my atvar...I looked for one that reflected Micheal's soul.  He was looking straight at me that day with an amazing smile that touched my heart.  He never liked to have his picture taken, but that day, with Steven and his new nephew Zak he was different.

Claudia - its true, the essence of the person we love stays with us, softening the early feelings allowing the true spirit to come through.     

Blessed be to those who travel what to some has become a familiar road. May you find the energy here to take the next step.  Never fear here, we are with you.

Trudi

[mamabets]

For beccasmom~ The BEST advice I can give to you, now and forever, is to make sure that you are all "free to grieve"...This means that the more talking all of you do under your roof, the better. There will never be anything "wrong" with how any of you feel.

Quiet, as well, is sometimes necessary...It is called "When You Say Nothing At All..."

My daughter was living here with us in North Carolina when Danny crossed over. We, then, as always talked about "it" ALOT...Our gift, and a gift it is, to be able to say anything we needed to and wanted to was vital, as we look back. When she moved away, married, moved into her new home, had another baby, life changed. We rejoice in her life, pluis share in her... We spent an hour on the phone today talking about Danny, and there is seldom a conversation when we don't "include" him.

However, we did feel "guilty" when we laughed for the first time after his passing...I will NEVER forget that moment... It was as if we had let Danny down. I think that this experience is across the board when you become part of this arena.

Then, you start to "feel" your sweet angel kids laughing with you... It takes time to allow this to happen. It happens once you begin to feel anything except sheer agony...

Having said that, what happens in time as well, is a certain feeling of "WOW...Is that a part of me that is still alive??? I think it IS!!!", and with that one breath, you begin to build with anything and everything that you possibly can wrap your heart around, keeping in mind that Becca will always remain at the center of your life. It is IMPOSSIBLE to even comprehend all of this, and it is the familiar early stages of this walk to all of us here. It is a scary, scary transition, and the good days, are always mixed with the bad. What happens, in time, is that the good days are on a mission to comfort the bad days, and they succeed in doing so.

As you "listen" to Trudi and all of the other Mom's that are fairly "new" to this that your walk is theirs, and our walk is yours . It's as if we have known each other forever...

THIS is what can and will keep you going.

 Moving "ON" past our angels??? Never...

Moving "WITH" our angels beside us???...An honor...

I am here for you always~

The picture below is of a "heart" rose that my sister found in her rosebush... Roses to be shared with all of you!!

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For summergirl~ Bless your heart..There is nothing worse than feeling as if a family member is unwilling to just "get it", simply because...

In time, my friend, you will go to the safe places, only, with this. You have begun doing that by coming here. Beyond Indigo truly helps to give you the tools, as you learn who to weed out emotionally. In other words, "yes, you will remain in my life, but my shattered heart will not be shared with you"

I have MANY loved ones that are just not in my big picture. I adore them, but they are not walking my walk with me. They are so emotionally shallow in many areas, and for them, it is a sad thing...

My husband, for example, was not what you would call an "emotional;" kind of guy. I, on the other hand, wear my heart on my sleeve. So too, did Danny...

My hubby has allowed me to grieve freely, he has picked up all of my pieces, trusts in me when I can not stand up, and picked me up from the floor that fateful morning...I am eternally grateful.

Danny knew Dean better than I know Dean..Danny had a VERY turbulent relationship with his father, so when Dean came into our lives, they became such great friends. A therapist said once..."If our Dean ever started to open up, he would just fall apart...Who would take care of things then???"

So true... He is an amazing man, he listens unlike many others, so therefore, I keep running to him, and he catches me when I fall... 

He would never suggest that I move on...He is living this as well.

After awhile, other things start to seem more important, if that makes any sense...Things like mere survival...It's not a tit for tat kind of thing when it comes to those that have let us down, but unfortunately more "left" than "stayed"...

Kiss that baby..Jackie is planning Caroline's birthday party too...Her first...A POLKA DOT birthday party, shoes and all!! She has made her invitations, and yes...THIS amazes me. We can't be there, but certainly will be by heart, and Danny will be too.

Always and forever...He guides our every step... 

LOVE

mamabets

[beccasmom]

I just wanted to say quickly, I read all the posts/replies.  I am a mess sitting

here. Today is my bday. My first birthday after her death was only 8 days past.

So, since she died, this is my second. So, it is my "first" second.  And it just

cements the truth, she won't be here.  Thank you for all the kind words.

I wish I had the strength to write to everyone individually, but I just don't

today.  Always, on my bday, she called me so early, so she was the first

to say happy birthday.  I shut my phone off, because I couldn't wait for

the phone call that would never come. Boy, today is gonna be a hard

one.  My thoughts are with everyone.  I love you Becca Bug.

 

Diane

[summergirl]

Diane - I am so sorry for "another first" for you, we are all here, whether you write or not, we are here. My heart breaks for you as I remember all the "firsts" I have endured - Peace be with you, Hugs and Prayers.  You are not alone. Kathy 

[summergirl]

Hello to all - I cannot tell you how your words lifted my spirit - I have been driving myself crazy since my sister-in-law said that and I realize it is just "one more thing to add to my list of things I cannot change"

Mamabets - you are an amazing person - you have such incredible strength, a way with words and you always make me feel a little more peaceful when I read your posts. Where does all that wisdom come from - I wonder if I will ever be able to put into words all that I feel. Thank you for saying what I can not seem to say.

Trudi - as usual you lift me up with the things we seem to have in common. I too could recite each word ffrom Steel Magnolia's - I feel the same way about the way Sally Fields says "why, why, I just want to know why?" and also when she says "I am so mad I just want to hit someone, I want to hit them hard so they can hurt as bad as I do"  - how many times I have felt that way.

I will post more tonight, more to say, I am at work and must go - have a new picture of Tavian to post - hugs and peace be with all - kathy

[mikesmum]

Diane - I know my year of first felt like I was on a never ending rollercoaster of emotions.  Every occassion was marked by the fact Mike wasn't going to be there.  He died 3 days after his neices birthday and our first without him was his brother Steven's birthday.  Everyone would tell me Mothers day would be hard.....but you know it was just little things that would send me into that black hole......I could speak to Melissa and Steven but the call to or from Mike to check in was to be no more......

Even now as I enter my 2nd year the year of first behind me, I find this at times even harder.  Maybe the realities of Mike being gone are hitting me......Turn off the phone (I did for 3 months).  Surrender to the memories, while at times they make you so sad they also have the ability to trigger a warmth in your heart.......I went through many many photos of Mike for his memorial site, many I had forgotten and thanks to family& friends some I had never seen. 

I wrap you in a blanket of warmth, strength and energy, may it see you through the hard times, protect you from the dark and allow you a peaceful rest so you may find the ability to be with your children who are also living this loss with you.

Blessed be - Trudi

[summergirl]

Hello to all - rough night with Tavian tonight, he had a bad crying spell, a sad crying spell and nothing I seemed to say or do could sooth him. It is at times like this that I become overwhelmed with heartache and loss. He was talking about how sometimes he gets mad at school (he is in kindergarden) and sometimes he wants to hit one of his friends because he thinks they made his mommy have a heart attack and that is why she went to Heaven!! I tried to explain to him that his little friends had nothing to do with mommy going to Heaven, that she had a broken heart and God took her to Heaven so he could make her all better and then of course came the question "if God made her all better why can't she come home now?" I again kept the tears in check and "tried" to explain that once you go to Heaven you cannot come back here, once God makes you better you have to stay in Heaven and be an Angel to watch over all the people you love - such small words, such inadequate words to try to make this little one understand. Most times I have the ability to sooth him and make him understand but this is a tough one and I am feeling so lost and heartbroken that I have failed him in some way.  I just sometimes do not have the words so hugs and lots of I love you's are the only thing I have. Speaking of firsts, this was another first for me and I know that I will have firsts for the rest of my life. When Jessica left us I do not remember alot about those first days and weeks, I drove myself hard doing manual work to keep myself from drowning in tears, I took five weeks off of work because I couldn't face leaving our home, it became my safe zone and still is to some extent. I still cannot believe that she is gone and I will never see her in this life again, how do we do that, how do we just keep doing that!! I want to be able to help Tavian so I try my best to stay strong and keep moving forward yet there are times when I just want to climb into bed and never get up to face another day without her.  I know that Jessica would never want me to not live, she wants me to keep Tavian safe and loved for as long as I am here to do that but it seems so impossible sometimes. I pray for some peace on this journey I am on as it is so much more than I can bare at times. Sometimes I just do not want to be strong, sometimes I just want to cry, scream, get angry and hit something, tell people to leave me alone, to have a "normal" life again. Yet I know that none of these things are possible or ever will be so I keep walking this journey with a heavy heart and unending questions. I want to tell all of you once again that without you here to help guide me I would not be a "survivor" and although I know that I have moved on with all of the steps I have taken another part of me feels as though I have not moved one inch since the night the knock on our door came. Well, I am certainly feeling sorry for "me" tonight but after an evening with Tavian in the condition he was in it is hard not to feel sorry for me.  I am allowed to be selfish every now and again, I am allowed to not be strong for a little while, I am allowed to cry and scream if I feel like it and I am allowed to tell everyone to just be quiet.

Now that I have raged I will say good night to all and pray for sleep to come easy tonight so I need not "think" for just a while.

Thank you for your support, love and Prayers - keep walking with me as I need the strength I receive from all of you.

with love and peace - Kathy

This is Tavian in the bath with bubbles on his face trying to have a beard like Santa Claus!!  Oh he does give me so much, I am so blessed. Hope it comes up.

 

[summergirl]

well that didn't work - guess I forgot something - will tomorrow.

[mikesmum]

Kathy - how do you comfort someone with such innocents on matters that even our life experience fails to explain??   Why can't they come back.....something I wanted to know and I am the grown up?

My only suggestion is take the time Tavian is with his other grandparents and have a really big ME time day.  Cry, scream, walk, shout, write a letter asking ambiguously WHY WHY WHY!  Short of that my friend find a "Weasa" and let fly!!!

When I get caught off guard by Zak (our 6 year old Grandchild) I tend to let him know grandma doesn't have all the answers.  I think its okay to let him know I am just as puzzled about some of the whys as he is.........

Thinking of you - this picture of Tavian, lights went out right.   Maybe you need a warm blanket of strength, energy and light.  Be kind to yourself, trust me, you are everything Tavian needs.

Trudi

[mamabets]

For summergirl~ I must admit...I was born with a fair amount of wisdom..I have inherited so, so, so much more from my Danny since he has departed. I often do say to myself..."WHERE could that have come from???"

Then, I realize. This is our calling for now. The harsh reality is that we all bring so much to this lonely table. And, I keep asking, where would we be without each other?? In our darkest hours, we are always understood. There have been a couple along the way that are very different, it seems, in how they handle the people that, too, are on this journey.

I get my wisdom from all of you. YOU are my story, each a chapter in your own unique, gentle way.

The mere fact, as painful as this is, that Tavian is opening up about his feelings is "healthy", if one can imagine. Listening and encouraging to talk about Mommy will always be your love story... A very dear, dear friend has just lost her second child, and her little 2 year old grandaughter is with her alot...They got her a puppy, and that has helped everyone, as they watch the little Miss boss the puppy around!! They do laugh, and the little ones will tell you some rather amazing stories...

And, it is excrutiating to listen to it all. I know that there are some books out for the little ones about grief. On the home page here at Beyond Indigo, over to the left, you will see a section called STORE. Click on to Grieving Gifts, and under the book section you will find Grief and Loss books that could, perhaps, help you and Tavian- LOTS of books, many written specifically for kids of all ages.

There is  the ANGEL CATCHER for the big people, and the ANGEL CATCHER for Kids... I highly recommend both of these~

Julia was 5 when Danny departed, and she talks, and cries, about her Uncle alot. I gave her a "SUPERMAN" journal, as he loved Superman, and she does find herself writing in it. She is 8 now, and even if she doesn't "write", she knows that it is for her, I made it for her, and she is proud of it.

I bought an inexpensive red journal and a SUPERMAN patch. I ironed on the patch, and ta da...Just for Julia...

I was just there with them for a long weekend, and "hearts" popped up in a couple of places...

"HEARTS" she said, as she ran to get her journal.

The picture here I found online...Or, should I say..."It found me..."

Just a little something... A little garden is always a good thing too, it seems. The kids can participate in the planting of the seeds, the watering. Just another project to somehow help along the way.

Try to go with every emotional flow, when you feel as if you have to...You open up so much here, and I have all of the faith in the world and you that you do the same when you are away from the computer. Let Tavian see you cry and hold him when you do. There is something comforting about the tears that fall when holding a little one. Unfathomable, under these circumstances, but just being there, wrapped in little arms ,is safe and soothing.

You, too, have inherited many gifts from Jess...Her warmth, her love and her very own little life, Tavian... We are right here with you, and Trudi has a really good point when she says...There are just no answers...

You are an amazing woman, and your life knows it...

I am so sorry that you are sad...xoxoxo

LOVE

mamabets

[mikesmum]

Betsy - Thank you for visiting Mikes memorial.  Mike was a self taught player.  In his late teens early 20's his friends formed a band.  Mike jammed with them, but preferred to be the "roady'.  There music, as you say, wasn't my taste either.....no Eagles, Doobie Brothers etc....

Mike took great pains in teaching Emily his neice acoustic guitar.  She was 2 when she began, Mike buying her a guitar, just her size.  I was amazed how he could take ADHD kids and have them sit with a guitar, strumming at first then trying to find the chords to play.  Such patience.

I truly think Mike is around.  Music is still part of our lives, while none of us play.  I have one of Mikes guitars here behind me while I type......it stands a silent reminder of the beauty that shone thru Mike as he played. 

Blessed be - thoughts of Danny surrounding you with signs that he has not truly left at all.  -  Trudi

[beccasmom]

Sorry I seem to be so narrow minded in not reading everyone else's posts,and their circumstances.  I really am as good at listening as I am talking.  Yesterday was so very hard.  My friends came over and cooked me dinner.  One of them was my daughter's best friend, she has twin three yr old girls, and they call me Becca, cause we looked so much alike.  It's bittersweet.  They can remember her after a year, and being only three, makes my heart warm.  Have you all had a situation where you had every intention of doing something, enjoying something, then the time came and it just didn't seem like you could get through it?  I started to get panicky around the time we started with salad.  I made it through the main course, and then cake.  Then I asked everyone to leave. I just couldn't "pretend".  Later, I  opened a drawer, and there was a card my daughter made me for my bday back in 1997, the back even had "made with love for my momma"... I guess she made sure I had a card from her after all.  Also, today, is the deposition for the young man who killed my daughter.  Meaning my lawyers get to ask him questions about that night.  I was told Icould be there, but I know I would either A. fall apart or B. rip him apart, so I declined. Though I am planning on being at the deposition involving the bar in which he was over served and served without having proper ID.  This one I will go to.  It will be mostly legal questions, nothing personal like mine, trying to make my daughter look like some kind of horrible person who deserved this.  Here I go again, right? All about me. I am sorry. I am in the midst of so much still, because of the civil suit.  I promise, I will try to be better at reading and remembering (that can be a hard one)...and actually talking, not just venting.  We are all in the midst.  Basically the same path, at different intervals, different levels of healing, losing children in different ways...but unfortunately all part of one crummy club.  I haven't gone through her things yet. My dad and sister went to her apartment and packed everything up. It is in my sister's garage and waiting for me to go through. How in the **** do I get rid of anything?  I am dangerously close to making everything she ever looked at, touched, or had anything to do with, into some holy relic.  It's all about stopping time.  Not moving ahead, not being able to go back.  Someone said in a post, it almost seems the second year is harder than the first. Oh my, do I agree. I am going to wait for my lawyer to call tomorrow and let me know how it went. I asked her to just give him one withering look from me.  I know, silly, but he never would look me in the eyes, even when he apologized in court.  I also know, at some point, I have to forgive him, for myself and for him, so he can have the chance to move on in life and do something good with it.  And I can be released from the anger towards him, which only hurts me, and those I love.

Again, thank you for listening. I promise :::girl scout hand gesture::: I will be better at reading and responding, not just dumping. Thank you for the patience.

Diane

[mikesmum]

Dianne - The one thing I have found on this journey - time stands still and I will only move it forward when I get to the place where I can handle it.......Selfish, maybe but there is just so much you can handle at anyone time. 

I know the dinner thing - I went to Mikes ex-partner 30th in Dec.  We have always been close, they were together for 10yrs.  I held it together for the greetings, appetizers and some small talk. But as the night progressed I became claustrophobic.  I felt like I was going to explode or pass out.  The final blow came when I noticed the solid silver photo frame we had given Mike and Lauren years before.  Pics of Mike & Lauren at a happier time filled the frame, drapped across it was his silver ID bracelet.........I barely made it to the car before losing it.........

There is no urgency in going thru Beccas things.  Mikes partner at the time he died dropped 3 bags of Mikes clothes and papers at my door 10 days after he died. Everything else was given away or sold.  It took me weeks to even undo one bag.   I was shattered that his life had been bundled up and dumped....but  she had thrown in cards.............Mike had held onto birthday cards, get well cards and cards sent to him when he struggled with his life.  There was a birthday card sent to him on his last birthday, these things I cherish.    

To have to deal with the loss of Becca is made so much harder having to go thru the court ordeal.  I wish you strength to get to the other side of this time.  The forgiveness as you say may come, to remain angry and unforgiving only serves to rob you of yourself......but again......all in your own time....breathe, just breathe.....some days it is just enough..

Blessed be - Trudi

[mamabets]

For beccasmom~ OHHHHH, please don't concern yourself with venting...We NEED for you to vent- That's why we are all here...You are doing EXACTLY what we all do, feel exactly like we all do and have, and hurt just like all of us do and will~

Triust me...It is OK...If you weren't here with us, sharing with us your deepest pain, we would all be so helpless~ The most compassionate people in your world are here, and you are most definately ONE OF US!!!!

I think I can fairly speak for all  who have traveled this road, say, a little bit longer...Opening drawers to handmade cards is SHEER agony, and the ONLY peaceful thing about yesterday was that you had the strength to tell your dear friends that you just had to "be"....

Honesty with your wounded heart is so vital now, and you must grab it when you can, and listen to it when it speaks. It is so easy to always worry about others, but the people in your life that "get it", will be there for you, come rain or shine....

It is exhausting, this grief walk...Absulutely exhausting.

By just being here, you are listening. You are listening to the pain that is a part of every line that we all share...You are doing the best that you can do, and for that you are to be commended.

LOVE

mamabets 

[mamabets]

For daveydow1~ I love you and will walk with you for always!!  We keep coming back here, because this is a place where we can feel "safe"...

I LOVE YOU and am so grateful to have you in my life~ You are a dear, dear, dear friend and we know that Danny and Davey are rejoicing in just being so nice to each and every one of their angel buddies!! 

LOVE

mamabets

 

 

[mamabets]

For mikesmum~ Every word, every raw emotion...So perfectly said, Trudi...

How about when it HURTS to breathe?

We all know that- Claustrophobic, simply because we can not breathe...Claustrophobic, drowning in these tears...

Trying to run, can not move, nowhere to go!!

I  told Dean once when the news was on..."OH GOD...I have cried the Tsunami!!!"

I have often said "When I am so frozen in fear, I must just allow myself to thaw out..."

LOVE

mamabets

 

Angels.bmp

[mikesmum]

Betsy - Beautiful pictures.....thank you so much for being part of this journey for so many.  Just as I think I have reached the place where I can breathe freely, one more thing comes to knock me down......

I have a court case pending with the company I work for.  I was dispatching ambulances the day Mike died.  I stayed at work long enough to see the job thru.  The trauma such that my therapist said it was work related. I have not worked fulltime since. 

The company no so sure.....they rejected my claim and now it has progressed to court.  I really thought I was getting a handle on this.  The Coroner has yet to hand down his final jugdement on how Mike died, so I rang just wanting to know if we had any news

No outcome yet , but solicitors for my company have lodged a request to have Mikes file released to them.....WHY WHY WHY does this uncaring, unsupportive, ignorant bunch of @#$%^%@#$ want to know the intricate details of Mikes death, autopsy and coroners findings????  Isn't it enough that they state watching Mike die minute by minute on the screens where I work was no different than being told he died while I was shopping....yes you read it right.....the Emergency Service Company that I worked for stated it wasn't traumatic at all.....................

The tears flow, the screams choke in my throat........................what will it take till some of these ignorant people get it..........................Sorry guys. I thought I was getting there but now I am as low as I have ever been............................

[beccasmom]

Mikesmum,

My heart aches for you, and all of us now.  The autopsy report.  No answers for you yet?  I am in tears reading your post. I have not worked at all since Bec died. I was a restaurant manager and taught wine classes, I can not, in good conscience serve alcohol or be in an environment where in someone might get too drunk and have this happen to someone else's loved one.

I think I know a little about how you are feeling in regards to the autopsy report. It is such a private document, or should be.  I got my daughter's in the mail, mixed in with some of the paperwork from the attorney.  I didn't want to see it. But knowing it was there, and knowing others  had read it, I felt it was my responsibility to her to know everything anyone else might know.  I knew she had died immediately, due to a broken neck.  I did not know until I read the report, she had five broken ribs, her liver was cut in half, multiple contusions.  A parent should never ever know the weight of their child's brain.  Thinking of those things makes me feel I could just spin off into the universe because the enormity of these thoughts sends my whole world into a maelstrom of horrible truth and stunning disbelief and soul aching agony.  Our children seem to be reduced to a "report".  A number, a court case.  Her sense of humor, her loving temperment, her sarcastic comebacks, her skinned knees, accomplishments, failures, poetry, her brothers admiration, my deepest love, her intelligence and desire to change children's futures,  none of this is accounted for by the opposing attornies. I just want to scream and shake them, she was a person, she is my daughter, she was somebody with dreams and hopes and fears.  And in a year, she seems to be fading. Some days, she seems like she was just a dream, a wonderful dream I was blessed to have. 

 How does the space our children lived in when they were alive,  how does this become filled again in this world?  So much love and life in a person, then it is just gone.  I hate to give in to this pain and feeling of hopelessness.  Sometimes though, how do we not?  I can not believe how welcoming everyone here is.  It is so amazing, I know we have all felt like we are standing in the middle of a room full of people screaming, and no one seems to take notice. But here, the slightest whisper is heard and acknowledged and coaxed into sharing and accepting help, and in so, giving help.  I am very grateful to have stumbled across this site and this wonderful group of people.  Validation that I am not crazy.  I am grieving, walking a road in the pitch black without a light or a map, and  praying I find a place of comfort at some point. So, I have found this place of comfort...and I know, I am not walking alone. As Becca would say, "smile momma"... or her other favorite, which seems to be so appropriate these days..."damn mom, you're a hot mess...."  I hope the d word isn't against any rules...if yes, sorry!  Huh, writing that made me smile for a second.

Diane

[mamabets]

For All~ How about the attorney's and investigators that act and speak as if they were either...

A~ Involved IN the accident???

or..

B~ Standing RIGHT there watching it happen???

Amazing...

Not to mention the $50,000.00 minimum that they pocket as a result of our heartbreak. They never knew us, and never knew our kids, no matter what the circumstances surrounding these accidents!!

My ex sued the driver of the truck that hit Danny-{The company that he worked for, if you can imagine...The guy was on his way to work- No witnesses}

My ex was not standing there, I was not standing there, and these lawyers sure as HECK were not standing there... One of them called here and I told him straight off..I could write a book on this one, but wouldn't waste my energy on any of them.

He started by saying, "Well, we just took your ex-husbands deposition, and he spoke so highly of you"

I fired back..."Oh please, who are you kidding??? You might want to get to the bottom of this, and ask Danny's dad why he felt the need to bully Danny unmercifully, to the point where Danny found himself standing in the middle of a three lane highway~ Perhaps if you look him right in the eye, you will begin to get the truth here"

I was BLESSED that I had written the truck driver a letter shortly after it happened. This clearly was NOT his fault, and unless someone comes forward that WAS standing there to tell me different, those are the facts in my case.

All of our stories are different, but some very, very similar. 

You just have to believe, with disbelief, the frustrating part of the laws...It is amazing how in one state, a drunk driver gets one punishment, if any, and in another state, something entirely different... They are made to be broken, it seems...

In most cases, one can't fight city hall and win the battle. At the end of the day, it is sickening... Very often, when the battles are over, the judge and the jury can call it...Imagine that!

Right before Danny's accident, my ex got a ticket for drunk driving!!! Got a lawyer that REPRESENTS drunk drivers, alot, and got a slap on the wrist, I suppose... He was still driving and had not completed any kind of rehab, last I heard!!!

I pray for all of you that are tied up in these nightmares... I have been there, and as Danny's mother, stood very tall..I was ordered by doctors to be kept out of the dirty part, if you will... The law dictated the rest, and Danny guided me through it all...

LOVE

mamabets

 

 

 

[beccasmom]

Mamabets~

Thanks for your words.  The criminal case went as well as it could. Michigan does not have a vehicular manslaughter law, so he was charged with OUIL causing death. The court recommendation was he spend 1 yr in a city jail, and 1 yr in a bootcamp. Fortunately our judge said no way, and gave him the most time he could 5 to 15.  That doesn't mean he will spend five, with "good behavior" and all.  I just got done talking to my lawyer and she said he, the driver, was very cold and unremorseful, even boasting the night prior, he had six beers to drink and drove home just fine. Remember, he had two previous drunk driving arrests, the last happening just two months before her death.  The night he killed her, he admitted to having 12-13 beers and two shots of tequila. All in a two and a half hour period.  Just blows my mind.

I am so sorry to hear about how your son died.  I am not sure if I understand. I don't want to ask any difficult or personal questions though.  I am so sorry.

Hugs to everyone,

Diane

[daveydow1]

For Diane, Beccasmom,

I thoroughly understand your frustration with the laws. They often lean

in the favor of the offender.  The guy that drove the semi truck over our

son's car (which was stopped in a line of traffic), got off with a slap on the

wrist.  He was asleep at the wheel of this monster truck.  Got out after the

accident without a scratch. Was only charged with a misdemeanor, and a

$1,000. fine. Lost his license for 1 yr. with work privileges. Didn't lose his

job.  To my knowledge, New Jersey is the only state that has tougher laws

for killing anyone in traffic while breaking any traffic law.  Our state doesn't

have such a law. The driver was NOT an over-the-road, long haul driver.

We NEVER heard one word from him to this day.  That drunken driver who

hit your dear daughter seems to be one of those scofflaws who care only

about themselves.  I am so sorry for you & your family, and know what you

are going through. These careless, reckless, and thoughtless drivers leave

so much heartache & sorrow in the wake of their destructive behavior, and

alas, it seems like they just keep on going on their merry old way---soon to

forget all about us.  Please take care of yourself, friend.

                                                Daveysmom,   Sherry

[summergirl]

Hello to all - I know all about the "autopsy report", I waited for it to come with with anticipation and dread as a part of me needed to know and the other part of me knew that it was another "reality" of Jessica really being gone. I was afraid that everyone was telling me what I wanted to hear and not the real truth about how and when she left us. Jessica actually passed on at the restaurant she was at, she had went into the bathroom and after about 15 minutes her friend went to check on her as it seemed to be a long time she was in there, when Jessica didn't open the door she got down and looked under the door and saw my Jessica's hair on the floor, so they broke the door down and called 911. All of the people on the ambulance are my friends and they took her to the hospital and they worked on her all the way there, they did not want to pronounce her at the restaruant, that would mean waiting for the coroner and etc. My friend Diane who is an AEMT told me that she loved my Jessica all the way to the hospital for me. I can no longer watch CSI on tv as I can not bare to watch then do an "autopsy", it tears me apart.

Beccasmom - It is "all about you", your pain, sorrow, loss, tears, anger, and everything else you feel. When I first ventured onto this site I talked of nothing but my loss, my daughter, my pain - this is why we are here. Everyone here has the freedom to speak their mind and that is what we do. If you want to talk about you then do it, never feel that you are wasting our time as we all need to "listen" as well as talk. We all walk together - we all feel the same yet different - although we have all lost a child we have lost them in so many different ways. My daughter of a heart attack at 28, your Becca of an unthinkable drunk driving accident, those from suicide, cancer and the list goes on. When I first came on here everyone helped me to get where I am today and now I hope that I can do the same for someone else.

I have something to tell all of you - today I finally got a sign from my Jessica that I have been waiting for for a long time. My son called tonight and he has met a woman who he has become friends with. I am not going to go into the story of my son as it serves no purpose for you to hear it - anyway this womans name is Jessica Lee, her father's name is Barry and she was born on July 21st - my daughter's name is Jessica Lee and she was born on July 21st and my husbands name is Barry!!! I fell to the floor and sobbed with happiness and saddness. I cannot tell you what this means to me as that would mean telling you the story of my son that would take up at least 50 pages so all I can do is trust that you will all understand how I am feeling tonight - a weight has been lifted and for the first time I feel a kind of inner peace.

I need to put Tavian to bed so I will close but have so much more to say so will talk tomorrow. Bless all of you and you are in my prayers - Kathy

I am going to try to post a picture of Tavian and his friend Damien holding the pizza's they made all by themselves!!

[mikesmum]

" All of the people on the ambulance are my friends and they took her to the hospital and they worked on her all the way there, they did not want to pronounce her at the restaruant, that would mean waiting for the coroner and etc. My friend Diane who is an AEMT told me that she loved my Jessica all the way to the hospital for me."

Kathy - I read your post and the above is so reflective of the day we lost Mike.  I knew each and every paramedic that attended Micheal. The worked for 55mins solid to try and bring him back.  When it was called, they took painstaking effort to make sure he was 'peacefully resting '.  All over and above their job description.  It truly made such a difference.  Diane sounds like a truly beautiful soul.  I had Margo, a friend that has seen me through this past year for each and every 'mental health day'.  

As for BJ - Breathe deep and feel the freedom!  One brick from the load makes such a difference. 

I seek the strength of all my yesterdays so that my tomorrows with dawn with a energy that allows me another day to remember and smile........Trudi

[kathy714]

Today was my son Nathan's 24th Birthday and 3 rd anniversary since he passed away,and what a awful day.Every year we have a big birthday/memorial party and bonfire,this year i debated it because my husband had been very sick with cancer and just passed Jan 9th ,day before his birthday,jan10th...Well we had the party and everyone seemed like they were having a nice time ,but all i wanted to do was go hide,It just didn't feel the same not having my husband there.i just feel so lost all the time now,not knowing what i want or what to do all the time.I remember when my husband was dx with cancer in 2002 ,and how i thought to myself how nate would probally someday have to be the responsible male of the house never thinking Nate would go first,now i am without both of them,and it blows:X  tHANKS For listening ,but i just had to vent,and believe me this is the short version of my day..GOD BLESS,Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[enufalreddy]

It's been a long time since I've visited Beyond Indigo.As always new people are here.Same stories...same feelings...different names.I was reading your post Kathy and you just said how I feel so well.I wanted to at least say Hello to you.In some ways you are very lucky to have Tavian so close to you.My Sarah lives only an hour away but it seems like the other side of the world.She does email me back if I send her one.But she never initiates communication.That hurts so much.She stays for a few days every now and then.She is 10 years old.But you were talking about having the right to feel bad.You are so right.I get feeling guilty for moping as much as I do sometimes but I don't have much else to do.My health is bad and I can't be a ball of fire even on my best days.So why can't I feel bad if that's what I need to do right now?Walter will be gone 3 years April 19.His birthday is coming up this month on the 16th and that always makes the grieving worse.I know that I will never heal completely.I just never realized how the death of a child bruises your spirit for the rest of your life.I'll never be the same.How could I?How could any of us?People want us to get over it and move on.Well sorry folks...doesn't happen that way.And I'm not the kind of person who can just "put on a happy face"to keep everyone else comfortable.I miss my baby so much.He would have been 35 this year.Take care and keep telling it like it is and doing what is right for you.Erma

[summergirl]

Erma - thank you for your kind words and I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I know what you mean when you say we will never get over it - I tell people all of the time that there is no such words in my dictionary - losing a child is not something you "get over", it is something we learn to live with but as a friend said - we are sent back to the darkness many times throughout this walk. I have come so far yet at times I feel as though I have not taken even one little step. As for our Tavian, he is the one thing that kept me alive in the beginning and even today there are days that I know it is his strength that keeps me going. He will be 6 on Feb 11th and at times I feel as thought he is older than me!! Last nite he told me "mi-mi, I love you more than my birthday" - I cannot tell you how that felt.

I am sorry about your grandchild not initiating a relationship, it is a diffacult thing to bear and I will pray that you and she someday find a way to each other.

Keep speaking your mind, say what you want and feel how you feel.

One question if it is okay - why did you stop coming onto BI? I do not mean to intrude but for me I cannot imagine a day when I will not come to this site - as long as I am able I will be here to vent or to help - which ever it is. I know for my husband he said it is to hard for him to read about such pain and I told him there is so much pain yet there is so much beauty here also if you open your eyes to see.

Trudi, my friend, as always you lift me up with your words. As usual we seem to have one more thing in common. Yes, one more brick seems like a truck load right now. I love what you said "I seek the strength of all my yesterdays so that my tomorrows will dawn with an energy that allows me another day to remember and smile". Thank you for a little sunshine on a day filled with rain.

Once again I am at work so I guess I must go and try to do some work but it is Friday and I call it my "sort of work" day. God Bless all and my Prayers are with you. Kathy

Oh I am having trouble downloading pictures so sorry about the "black spots" - my husband will look at it tonight but I am sure it is me.  

[enufalreddy]

I stopped coming to BI because for a while I felt overwhelmed by the continuous addition of new heartache.It seemed like every time someone new came on to the site with that raw first burst of emotion it set me back emotionally.I feel ready to try again now.We all have to follow our instincts and do what is right for us.I have stayed in touch with a couple of people from here in the interim.I do need to stay in touch with people who understand me.For one thing it lets me know that I'm not crazy and I'm not alone.I hope to get to know you better.Betsy knows me.(Then again Bets might tell you yes I am definitely crazy)LOLAnyway...I'm back for now and don't plan on leaving right away.Have a good night.Erma

[daveydow1]

For Kathy714,

Oh, dear Kathy, I am so sorry for all your pain & sorrow in the loss

of your husband, and for today, your son Nate's birthday. I do wish

there was something to say to help. Just know that we are all here

for you, and pray that all your memories will give you some comfort

at this terribly painful time. Peace be with you.

                                             Daveysmom,    Sherry

[daveydow1]

Erma,

You are right in saying that we will never heal completely from the loss of

our dear children. Yes, other people just do not "get it".  Of course they

cannot imagine what it is like to lose a child, so they somehow think that'

a person who loses a child can, in time, move on. I guess they think that

after awhile you just forget, but we all know that is totally false. Also, you

said we must do what we have to do to get us through the day (and night),

and through the rest of our lives. I'm glad you came back to BI with all your

love and memories of dear son, Walt.  Peace be with you.

                                                           Daveysmom,  Sherry  

[simonsmam]

 

 

 I have not posted anything for a while but never miss a day of reading. I have just retired from my job as a teacher of 4 to 7 year old children. I have not returned to work since Simon’s accident 20 months ago. I knew from the outset that I could never carry on with teaching and give it the same dedication as before. It has taken me over a year to convince the necessary teachers pension authority that I was physically and mentally no longer capable of doing the job I so loved. My first application was turned down even though it was supported by 3 doctors! My case was judged by a doctor sitting in an office 300 miles away who had never met me. It was deemed that I was suffering from bereavement reaction that I would get over and at the age of 54 would still be able to return to teaching   !!!!!!.

 I went to see my local member of parliament who wrote a letter in my support. I also wrote a letter and they changed their decision within a month !!! I have filled in so many forms, been to see different doctors, written letters and felt exhausted and the end of it all. I am now adjusting to my unplanned but necessary retirement. Several of the recent postings here have struck a cord with me so I have decided to post again.

I read this on another website and thought it was so apt.

" As you have now discovered, your body does not function as

well as it used to. Our vital organs also suffered trauma when

we lost our beloved children.

Our organs suffered because our immune system went

crashing down; we also suffered loss of confidence, loss of

memory, loss of joy in our lives and so many other losses, too

many to count.

Many times we didn't wish to be here, but for some reason, we

still are."

 Until you lose a child yourself there is no way you can begin to imagine or understand what you go through as a bereaved parent. I think if any parent dares to imagine how they would feel if they lost a child they react on an emotional level. But the reality is that trauma and shock affects you emotionally, physically, mentally and intellectually, socially and spiritually. How could we ever be the same again when part of us has died with our child? A week after Simon died I developed shingles on my head, all around my eye and down to my ear (ironically this followed the path of my tears as I lay down when crying! ). I was the one being strong for the family yet physically it had a devastating affect on me.

I have lost other close family members but nothing compares to this. Existing medical conditions e.g diabetes ,  IBS, high blood pressure have worsened and I still have after effects of the shingles. Then there is the loss of concentration, memory, inability to retain information or repeat recent conversations, the constant feeling of tiredness, the aches and pains, the ache in your chest and stomach and the constant thoughts of what has happened racing through your head and the dreadful flashbacks. I particularly find the fact that I lose my train of thought so many times a day really frustrating.

You lose confidence socially and the act of putting on a brave face is so exhausting. On a spiritual level I have never questioned my beliefs so much after other losses. Simon's wife and I both ask ourselves 'where have you gone Sim'   Even after 20 months it is hard to believe that this has happened to our family.

I have only scratched the surface really and write from personal experience. Maybe when people ask how we are we should drop the 'I'm fine' or Bearing up' and tell it as it is. Death is still such a taboo subject.

I know I am fortunate and am grateful for what I have. I have been happily married to the most caring, supportive man for almost 34 years. We vowed that after our loss we would try always to be kind to one another. I have 2 daughters of 33 and 30 who I treasure more than ever. I have 5 grandchildren of 8 down to 9 months and one due in 7 weeks. They bring us so much joy and comfort. I still have a lovely close relationship with Simon’s wife. We all live close to each other and I see them every day. BUT……everything is bittersweet. Nothing can stop the constant soundtrack that repeats in my head ‘Simon is dead, Simon is gone’. We all miss him so much and try our best to carry on as best we can to provide a happy life  for the little ones

Love and special thoughts to you all,  Avril  X