Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmomrs]

Wyomingsgal:  Thank you for the additional links.  I was given "He's My Son" actually a couple of years before Mike became ill...my son-in-law gave it to me because Mike was having some problems that we were finding hard to deal with...mostly personality changes, which of course, when he was diagnosed we discovered were a result of the brain tumor that had been growing and had become the size of a grapefruit...to the point of pushing his entire frontal brain over the mid point into the other side of his skull...

The song at that time helped us find the strength and faith to "push through" and stick with it through this time period, and support Mike through these troubled times.  Of course, we are so very, very glad that we did, as that was the time when his illness was really influencing his life and had we pushed him away, we would not have been there with him during his illness and be able to assist him in leaving this earth.    The most significant event for us concerning this song, was that Mike was having some serious problems with his faith shortly after his diagnosis and surgeries for the brain cancer, and he talked to me about it one day for over two hours.  (Mike had always shown a strong faith in God throughout his growing up years, but unfortunately, had drifted away in his early twenties and had eventually just given up on it entirely.  We knew that he was never completely comfortable with this, and our constant prayer was that he would one day return to it on his own.) 

He asked me to just "listen" to his concerns, and to not say anything til he was done.  Of course, when he finished, I was in tears, because I knew what a struggle he was having with his faith at the time.  We were sitting in the car at the time, and I just "happened" to have (which, in retrospect, turned out to be the case with many things associated with Mike's illness) that cd in the cd player.  I looked at him and took his hand and told him that throughout his illness, throughout the hard times, the only thing that got me as far as I was, and I believed got Mike as far as he was, was the literally thousands of prayers being said for him from all corners of the world for the past couple of years...prayers from friends, family, strangers, etc., to help guide him in his choices.   Once we learned of Mike's cancer, these were not prayers to ask for help to "cure him" or make the cancer go away (although we certainly wanted that), but prayers to give him strength to face his difficulties and live according to his own values, and strength for us to be able to be there for him, when and as he needed us.  I said to him, there in the car, that I had listened to him for two hours, and now I just wanted him to listen for five minutes to that song. 

I played it for him, and we sat there, and I held onto his hand as it played, my heart screaming in pain for the suffering he was enduring with this crisis of his heart and soul and mind.  We were both in tears by the end of the song, and I told him that no matter how everything turned out, I knew that the strength given to me through my faith was going to get me from one moment to the next...from one hour to the next, and so on, and that my constant prayer was that he would find that same strength.  I tried to explain to him that my main belief was based on that God has never promised we would be free of pain and trouble or adversity; that He only promised that He would be with us through it, and give us strength to endure it, if only we asked.  

We didn't speak any more of it the rest of that night, but the next night, Mike came to me and asked if he could have back the cross that he had worn through his teen years, and had left hanging on a hook in our living room, and was still there.   It was truly a day that brought a wonderful lot of peace to all of us...all of Mike's family, and most importantly,  to Mike himself, as we saw him then settle down and just "be" in his life, just taking one day at a time, and sharing his peace and whatever joys he had left with all who knew him. 

He was an inspiration to all who knew and loved him, and I have often said that anyone who knew him, loved him.   His motto was "what is, is," and he was truly confident that his destiny was eternal life and that we would all see each other again. 

"I've Never Been More Homseick Than Now" is a song that I have on Mike's memorial site (www.james-michael.virtual-memorials.com)., but not as music, just the words listed, as I thought they were so very beautiful. 

I am so thankful for music, even if it makes me sad, as it also helps me sometimes when I feel the need to cry, but just can't.   I have learned that tears can be very healing and do release the pain when it is so intense we just don't think we can bear it one more minute. 

I apologize for this lengthy post, and for rambling, but I am feeling close to that pit we fall into now and then, and your bringing these songs back to my mind has just allowed me to let out some of those feelings by remembering the blessings we experienced during Mike's illness. 

Again, thank you, and Briansdad, so much for sharing the links...it is nice to see the videos performed...

love and peace,  Carol

[mikesmomrs]

Kathy:  I do understand what you are feeling about that first year...I have not come to Mike's 2nd angel date yet, but I do believe that numbness and shock are what get us through those initial months...I have "felt" more this second year, and the pain is, hopefully, leading me to finally remembering Mike's life and Mike, instead of just the pain of his leaving.  I think that likely all of those here who are further into this journey than we are will tell us that these steps are all part of the process and necessary.

I am so glad that you are feeling better, Kathy. 

love and peace,

carol

[mikesmum]

I am tired of remembering the "loss" and want to remember the beauty, the smiles, the laughter, the tears, the friends, school years, first dates, first fights and so many other firsts, I want to remember Jessica as she was - a beautiful, smart, funny, lovable, free-spirited woman,a wonderful mommy, my daughter, my best-friend. I will always have tears, I will always have an empty space in my heart  and I will never truely be "happy" but I can have a life for myself and with Tavian just as Jessica would want me to.    

I think you have found the wisdom that many here seek.  No longer focussing on the loss, but on the person, the vivacious free spirited Jess and all she brings to your life even now......the grief is now finding is place.

The empty space, silent tears and an alternative happiness is I guess part of the 'new normal' I hear much about.

Take Care - Trudi

 

[kathy714]

Dear Bonnie,i also have my son Nathan's dog,and they do miss them,my dog was so depressed when Nate passed,she wouldn't eat,and just looked so sad all the time,and even now when Nathan's friend Will {Will lived with us for 6 months }comes over my dog goes crazy,jumps all over Will,and licks him ,i really think she fiqures if Will is here than maybe Nathan will come back too....God Bless,kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[summergirl]

Hello to all - wow - wisdom, not something I feel as though I actually have when it comes to dealing with what we all deal with - I read the postings and feel that I lack the "wisdom" and the "words" to help myself let alone anyone here. I try to always speak what is on my mind, what is in my heart and all of the emotions I feel every day, if that helps someone here in any way then maybe we could call that wisdom and that works for me. I spent many months getting support from all of you (and still do) and now if I can do that for someone else here then it is worth the tears and pain.  This road we walk seems to be one continuous straight path yet there are many twists and turns as each day goes by - there are days of overwhelming pain, sinking into the pit and no ladder to climb out, days of sunshine that should be happy yet seem to hurt the most like wearing a heavy coat in 90 degree weather, pages torn from a beautiful life that was taken to soon and then there are the days where you actually feel as though you are going to make it, that your heart has healed in some way, that you smile at a memory and laugh at wonderful good times that were. And then there are those "people" who just don't understand and we all know that we need to accept the fact that they are ignorant to our pain as they do not walk with us but there are those who repeatedly tell you "it's been 2 years, you must move on, live your life, etc., etc. etc." so I have come to another conclusion, that those people do not know how to "deal" with your pain so they want you to move on so they can feel better and not have to look at you and see the emptiness in your eyes, heart and soul. Well, I for one will not do what others want me to do, I will continue to grow but at the pace I can, I will continue to heal my broken heart to the extent that I can but again at my pace and those who truely love me will accept me for all that I am and not what they choose me to be.

My husband and I are feeling much better, have never had the flu this bad and do not wish anyone else to have it so take precautions wherever you live - my husband cracked a rib from coughing so hard!!! Tavian is still at his Grandmothers, I miss him so but do not want him to get sick. I find when he gets even a small temperature I panick and rush to his doctor - such is life with a child. This house is so quiet and empty without him, his laugh, his sleepy eyes I miss - he fills this house with happiness and love, without him it is though time stops until he returns.

Thank you for listening and hope to have some new pictures to post - I am trying hard to go through all my pictures so I can start albums but that is another slow process - so many memories it is sometimes more than my heart can take.

Jessica my daughter - it snowed this weekend and it has brought back so many memories of you, Tavian and me sitting on the big couch bundled in blankets eating popcorn, coloring and watching silly movies - remember how you always spent the weekend if it snowed - you always told me it was the best because you got to be lazy and I did all the cooking and waiting on you and dad - I miss that so much. I wanted to go lay in the snow and make a snow angel but cannot bring myself to do it so you will have to find a way to do it for me - I will be looking. Josh came by and we had a long talk - he misses his "curls" so much, remember how he always called you curls because of your beautiful hair. I miss you my love, always in my heart and mind - love mom 

[bokenhearted]

Hello everyone.

Gee I have not been online for such a long time and the site has changed big time.  Whoever has done this it is great.  Well done.

I have been really busy with just living and trying to lead my life the best way I can.  I sometimes feel that I should make the effort to log on here more but to be truthful I was finding that reading everyone elses heartache was just tearing me up and I felt like I was sliding backwards there for awhile.  Don't get me wrong I still have heaps of days but more the nights when I feel like I am back at day 1 of when I lost my beautiful son Karl. I so appreciated all the support I got from you all but hope you won't hold it against me that I have dissappeared for awhile. 

It is coming up to 3 years (April 25) but also his birthday on 22 March and once again I find myself feeling churned up as those dates are approaching.  Its hard but I also know that I will survive.  I hate that any of us have to deal with the loss of our children but I recently heard a woman who has suffered great loss and hardship in her life say... A person has to expreience pain and hardship in life to trully appreciate and enjoy life.  I think she may be right.  It doesn't mean that we don't miss our kids but it sure has made me look at life a lot differently and I do now live each day as it presents itself to me.  Some better than others but that is ok too.  I also hope that I am a better and more compasionate person now.  There have been times prior my sons death where I am sure I have not been very tolerant of others but now I try to be more so.  I find that being there for others who have had similar experiences helps also.  As you all will know it isn't what we say it is just being there and letting others know we care and understand the pain that helps.

This year in August my husband and I are taking a 3 month holiday that has been long overdue.  We are just hooking up our camper and setting off.  No definate plans as to where we are going ... just going.  I am so looking forward to it and just the 2 of us spending some time alone.  Can't wait.

Anyway I just wanted to say Hi and also to wish all well and for everyone who is travelling this sad road hang in there and believe that you are stronger than you think and the load does become lighter eventually when the time is right for you.

Love you all and each of you are in my prayers

Jo

[mattewmess]

Hello, I inherited my son's dog too, Bowser. He is a real sweetheart. I wonder if he misses Matt too. They say that the dog's are like their owners. I like to think that a part of Matt is still with me. Matt's first birthday since his death is coming up, 4/3/87. I am wondering how I will feel. Take good care, Terry

[mattewmess]

Hello Claudia,  I have read some of your replies and I am drawn to the way you have dealt with your loss, with such faith, and how you have honored your son. So many things that you write I have felt or am feeling. My son was very adventurous, I worried that he might die in an accident. He died in August and it does feel like an accident in some ways, he was taking an antidepressant and did not listen to any of us and quit taking it suddenly. He took his own life a few days later. I wasn't surprised when the police came to the door, I was surprised at how he died. He loved life so, he seemed to be having a "bad patch" during his sophomore year. He helped everyone else, listened to everyone else, but apparently did not talk about his own problems and feelings. I feel horrible thinking about all that I could have done, I am a nurse practitioner and help kids everyday. It breaks my heart to think that he felt so worthless and hopeless. He was such a great kid. His dad and I thought that everyday no matter what was happening in his life. I have heard people say that they believe that God knows the day we die and there really is nothing we can do. It certainly happens in my job, there are kids that I can't help, or even with everything we do, they still do not make it. I am having a hard time with guilt, I didn't realize Matt was that ill, neither did my doctor husband, and we weren't as aggressive as we could have been. He was twenty and we made all the right appointments to counselors and doctors, but he didn't go like he should have, surfed instead. We thought that if he was surfing, working, seeing friends all the time that he couldn't be so ill. My husband tends to let things take care of themselves, he is pretty laid back. I was planning on sitting down with Matt that Sunday to really try to figure out what was going on, but he died early that morning.  It was too late. I told my husband that we must talk to the psychiatrist, but the psychiatrist wouldn't talk to us, even with the proper papers signed by Matt. Everything I have read says that a person must be in terrible pain to take their own life. It is so hard because he was so passionate, energetic, funny, charming, talented ................. everyone was shocked, even his closest friends. I have spent my whole life helping others and I am having such a hard time with this, though I have been there so many times when it was someone else's child. It has been 6 months and it is early in the morning, sleep is still so hard. I want to add his picture to my messages like you have Joey's but I can't figure out how to do that, if I add a picture to this message it is large and must be added everytime. I did want to say that Joey's picture reminds me of Matt somehow, both very athletic and beautiful. The pictures of everyone's kids are so beautiful, just so young. Thank you for reading all this, this has been a long night. God Bless You, Terry

[mattewmess]

Hello again Claudia, This is Matt's dog, he stays with me all day and all night. He has been a blessing. Terry

[4everjoeysmom]

Terry, I love the dog.  Beautiful!  I am a dog person for certain.  I have two little ones, my husband has two big ones, and the big ones have three little pups who turned 4 weeks old yesterday.   

On the attachment of your matthew's photo..  go to the tab My Account at the top of the web board page and click on that.  In your account there is a selection called Avatar.  If you click on that you can BROWSE files on your computer and add a photo from any file you have stored on your computer or from a removable disk drive of any sort that you might use.  Once you add your photo, save it and it should appear on all your posts, even the older ones.  Hope that works for you...

On the guilt.. Guilt is a horrible thing.  I too had terrible guilt--so many what if I would or could have done this.  Surely I or someone could have done something!  I don't have to tell you what you already know, though.  As you said yourself, you witness in your profession how no matter what people do, when it is our time to go, it is our time.  And please do not think for one second that by being a nurse and your husband a doctor that you owned a responsibility for your son never to have medical issues.  That would be like me saying because my husband and I are ministers in the faith that our son should never have walked outside of his faith and done some of the things he knew undoubtedly were wrong or bad for him.  Life doesn't work like that.  Guilt certainly is something that we all feel at one point in our loss and grief.  Preferrably it is just a stage, though, and we work through and past it.  It is a terrible thing to hold onto.  It is a terrible thing to try to own for longer than necessary.  One thing I realized earlier in my grief, when I was feeling guilt and anger, was that if I held onto that I at least felt "something".  I wasn't numb.  It was like holding onto Joey, or at least a piece of him, not wanting to let go because I was afraid he would just fade away.  I eventually worked through that fear and desperation, and afterward realized that he will never just fade away.  Yes, he is no longer here, in this life, in this world, BUT that will never negate that he was here, that he did live in this life and in this world.  Nor will it negate the fact that he is fully alive now, with the Lord, and I shall very much see him and live with him again one day.

Your pain is very young, my friend.  And I truly ache for you.  I wouldn't walk backwards by choice in this grief if someone promised me all the kingdoms of the world as I stood atop a mountain looking down upon them.  It's a very difficult journey, and it's one of such isolation and loneliness, because we feel no one else could possibly know or understand what we feel.  Truthfully, though, our circumstances all differ in variations, but our position is the same.  We are grieving our beautiful children.  And we understand one another more than we understand our own selves sometimes.  I guess that's why so many psychologists do wonders from the chair, but at home they are a mess themselves.  It's an odd turnabout.

Matthew indeed must have been in a lot of pain at various times.  But I often wonder when those that do suffer from various forms of medical, physical and emotional depression, if there isn't this place one journeys to that is blank and numb.  Yes it was a final seemingly very desperate act that changed the course of your life for the remainder of your life here.  Joey's last act was too very torturous in my mind.  I cannot even imagine it fully without feeling physically ill.  But I must also believe in the final moment, Joey felt nothing.  His last breath was quiet, and his next breath birthed his eternal life.  His Lord was there with him.  Joey was not alone, even though physically here, he seemed to be alone.  I believe Joey is ok--better than ok.  It is I who must learn to carry on....   he will never again feel that numbness, or pain and suffering.  It is I who feel it.  I recall many times telling myself and God, "if only I could take away their pain", "if only i could carry their pain instead of them--my children".  Essentially this is exactly what I am doing.  I am carrying the pain of motherhood now void of caring for one who has left here and gone home to be with God.  I am hurting for what I want and need to feel--my son.  But he hurts no more.  And in this I can find some relief.  He hurts no more.

I am truly so very sad for the loss of your precious Matthew.  I know how desperate I felt to have someone, anyone acknowledge me and my pain in those early weeks, months, etc.  I posted often about my pain, and sometimes I would check posts every 5 minutes to see if anyone responded.  I needed to not feel so alone.  I needed to cry out and have someone be there.  I had that ultimately in Jesus, but I needed to "see" and "feel" someone there as well.  Please know that as long as I live and breathe, and have access to internet, I will respond.  If you care to e-mail me personally, I am clab2010@yahoo.com and I am here for you.  I am praying for you, and I care so very much for your grieving anf healing journey.  Blessings and HUGS, Claudia 

P.s.  Joey and Matthew seem to be kindred spirits in the things they loved to do, their zeal for life, love and laughter.  I look forward to getting to know Matt more through you.  If you haven't met Joey fully yet, he has a memorial web site here.  http://joey-mcconkey.virtual-memorials.com/  Perhaps when you feel up to it, you would like to create something of the like for Matthew.  This web site is a place where Joey's family and friends can "visit" his memories as often as they want and need...and they do.  Hugs, Claudia

[mattewmess]

Dear Claudia, Thank you so much for your email. You are right, you get it. My family means well but they just want to go on and not really talk about Matt. They think it upsets me more and maybe it upsets them? My oldest son (24 y/o) is doing well and I am close to him, my daughter (22 y/o) is so angry and also feels guilt, and my husband is trying to be supportive but has a hard time with expressing emotions and is uncomfortable with 'too many feelings'. I read Elizabeth Edwards book and she said that these kind of web sites helped her tremendously because she had to talk to someone alot and was wearing out her friends and family. The odd thing is that I was helping my friends at the time of Matt's death, their kids were hooked on heroin, anorexia, etc. I was sure that one of them would die by their own hands, I talked to Matt about suicide and he assured me that it was not in his mind and told the psychiatrist the same, but after the fact his sister told me of two attempts or threats that she knew of. It seemed like I didn't really know my son at all in the final weeks. He usually told me things, not explicitly, but in little bits and pieces. Later I realized that he was playing Elliot Smith music a lot and reading the author Kurt Vonnegut, both bipolar. He asked me one time if I knew how Elliot Smith died, he told me suicide and waited for my reaction. I said that was "so sad". I didn't realize what he was scared to tell me or didn't know what to tell me. He was just so fun loving, energetic, outspoken, dramatic, etc. I didn't see any sadness, except he did blow once in awhile and now I understand that is the way young men express pain. His dad tends to get angry quickly so I just thought it was a learned behavior, his grandfathers were the same way. But they tended to get over it and have a good period for awhile. Matt was my baby, he made me laugh so much, his friends said that he was my boy and that they knew he loved me. I know you are not suppose to have a favorite, but you couldn't help it with Matt, he just won your heart everytime. I know I spent 80% of my time involved with him in some way, he demanded all your time. His brother and sister now speak of feeling a little neglected because Matt got a lot of attention. It is so quiet now, yes lonely, the nest is empty, really empty. There is a lot about grief that you do on your own. It is so odd, I prayed and prayed for Matt to get on the right path, to know God, to have some peace............ sometimes I wonder if my prayers were answered, just not the way I thought they 'should' be answered. I, too, think that now he has no more pain and suffering, I just have to believe that he is in a better place. I would like to have a dream about him, I haven't yet. I want to hold him. I didn't get to when he died or after. I see him around the house all the time and he talks to me, he loudly tells me to get over it and get on with my life, he was a surfer and he would yell "get wet!" and run into the water - no matter how cold or what month it was. I am new to a message board. My email address is mtforbes@gmail.com. I don't know when to respond to an individual email or how it works, I guess? I don't want to monopolize the boards, I feel like I could right now. I am off work on Tues. and it is a long day. What work do you do as a missionary? The picture of you son is at a beach? Was he a surfer too? I appreciate your response so much and your spiritual views. I would not be here if I did not have God in my life, I so wanted my kids to have faith. I know they must find their own way, I wish - like all parents probably, that I had taught him more. I, too, can't think of how he died or I get more upset, I would feel the same with an accident too. It is so hard to be a mother and not want your kids to hurt, it is your hurt also. This is Matt with his sister. Take care, Terry

[daniellemom]

Terry,

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter Danielle she was 21 in a car accident on 10/11/2007, life will never be the same. I will pray for you and your family for Gods grace to shine upon us in this terrible time. I know without him holding me up I couldn't even get out of the bed.

I hope this day passes quick for you.

Love and prayers

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[4everjoeysmom]

Terry, Please don't feel you will monopolize the board.  So what if you do!  We all have and still do at times.  It's the nature of grieving in a supported group environment.  It is usually when one needs encouragement the most that you can find it by posting here and having others come running to your rescue.  It feels good.  It is needed.

I read Elizabeth Edward's book too.  I received a lot from her insights.  I read as much as I could get my hands on, and I still reach out for more, because understanding as much as I can about loss, grief, stages, the fact that I am normal and not going insane, all of that--it's important to me.  It's a survival need.  I read a cross section of secular and faith-based materials so that I can understand more broadly.  I'm a square peg and the world is round.  I need to cover all my angles, and just one place doesn't satisfy my need to know more....  I have found peace, though.  It has taken a while and it is an incredibly bumpy journey, but I have found peace.  I could not have found that, or many of my answers without my faith, for sure. 

Similarly, I was counseling with some good friends of mine for months before Joey passed.  Their son was in the depths of some stuff, and I prayed hard that they would not lose him--all the while I never imagined it would be my son to die.  I thought he was safe now, past all the reckless stuff.  God was I wrong.  I felt guilty for focusing prayer on my friend's kid over my own.  But that was just the enemy trying to beat me further down in my pain and suffering so that I would feel no hope or chance for recovery.  I didn't even see joey's body.  I couldn't do it.  He was torn, not whole, badly damaged, and I couldn't live with real imaged.  The imagination was bad enough.  I felt I needed to say good-bye but couldn't and that too brought guilt.  In reality, he was gone.  Nothing to feel guilty for there.  I remember him alive, smiling, laughing, full of life.  That is as it should be, because he is alive, just not here.

My Patrick expressed the very same "neglect" after Joey passed.  It was no secret in my family either that Joey demanded more attention, or all of the attention.  He often did things, I think, for the "shock factor".  That certainly was attention grabbing.  One of the things that was healthy for me to talk through with patrick was that although we souldn't express favoritism, sometimes life's events dictate that one will draw or pull more out of us than the others, and we get used to that.  We answer to it and become conditioned to it, responding to every command for our attention while the other kids quietly carry on and shrug their shoulders, and figure they can't compete with that.  And then we get stuck in a mode after such a tragedy of losing that "special child", and we begin to express our "habit" in a different way, continuing to build the attention around that child.  I realized that I was neglecting the fact that even as Joey was a beautiful, bright, energetic, lovely young man, he also was a pain in the neck many times.  He was "real", and not perfect.  But initally my instinct was to put him on a pedestal.  Patrick, who couldn't compete with joey for attention when Joey was here certainly would never be able to compete for attention, to draw it away from a perfect son who now sits on a perfect pedestal.  I was SO GLAD that Patrick and I discussed that, and that he was not afraid to tell me how neglected he had felt.  it was a true awakening for me.  Patrick and I are very close.  I am thankful to God for him.  I never want him to feel he has to compete with a ghost, if that makes sense.  I do advise to keep the communications open with your surviving children.  They live.  They need to feel your love and attention.  And they should never have to compete in the way I have described.  Make sense?  It's a natural tendency for us moms to preserve the rituals that we had with those special kids now gone.  But we have to really try hard to stay among the living ones here, because this is their real world and our new real world too.

I'm happy to see you got the Avatar posted.  It's a great photo.  Joey's photo is one when he was fishing on Lake Eerie with his boss and pals during a summer internship program he did in Michigan.  Joey loved the water,  He had never surfed, but loved to swim, body surf, fish, ski, boat--whatever water adventure he could find.  he lived in Illinois and went to school at the State University.  He spent summers in North Carolina often and we would go to the shore and spend a lot of time on the water.  Weeks before he passed he had been waterskiing with friends.  they shared the memories after his memorial, as we all gathered at the family ranch to share memories and our love for Joey.

I felt very alone in my grief, as you described.  My husband hurt very much.  he gave the eulogy at Joey's dad's request, and that was a great honor for him, but maybe the hardest thing he has ever done in his life to date.  He shed some tears too.  But he stayed deeply involved in physical and mental exercises and work to beat away the sadness.  He hid it very well, to the point that I became furious that he was not "sharing in my pain".  I think I might have hated him for a time.  I was so selfish.  I needed him to be burried in the hole with me.  But it was not his purpose, to be burried with me.  He actually was instrumental in eventually pulling me out.  We may have both drowned or been burried alive in there, unable to find strength to help one another out.  I can see that clearly now, but I hated it then.  My husband still will shed a tear when I cry or find joy and share it intimately.  But like your husband, he doesn't like to get too deep in it.  I think it's a protective mechanism more than anything.  It is an earned and taught duty that they be strong for us.  You know?  I am learning to appreciate more the man my husband is behind his heart.  It's a process, and it isn't always easy.  i truly can see how the statistics for marriage failure are high after such a tragic and catastrophic loss of a child.  We essentially fall apart.  And if there is not a firm foundation there before, it's hard to get a grip on it after.  It takes a lot of hard work, and I was just too worn out to work on it.  I'm thankful for God's grace in that area, because I believe God was the strength and glue to hold it together when i could have easily thrown it all to the wolves.

I was where you were in that I was craving and begging to dream of my son.  I needed to smell him, touch him, feel his presence.  I believe I had to get to a certain point in my healing and recovery to appreciate whetever gift of a dream God would give me.  In the too early stages I would have only begged for more and I don't think the message would have been received as it can be now...more joy and appreciation versus more sorrow and pain.  Give it some time, my friend.  I believe your prayer will be answered, but in God's time and in God's way.  Trust Him!  he knows what you need now.

I post on a faith-based thread here too, Grieving and Healing from a Christian-Biblical Worldview, in Loss of a Child.  If you want to share and read from these women as well, and HERE also (not to go from this thread, because there are beautiful people here sharing from various perspectives as well)...but you are most welcome to check in there and post or read.  I learn a lot from visiting lots of avenues.  Sometimes just one thing will be shared that strikes a chord and I store it away for themoment when I will need it most, and there it is, always in the right moment.  I hope you post as often as you want without feeling the discomfort of being a burden or monopolizing, or whatever.  That is exactly why there is this grief web board community.

I love the photo of Matt and his sister.  Joey's friends put together a little photo album and gave it to his dad after the memorial.  It had a picture of Joey and Patrick sitting in the back seat of someone's car, both with their mouths wide open and laughing and throwing their hands up in the air--a real Wayne's World kind of moment.  Pictures are fun, and they help us to remember so much more vividly.  Keep posting...  HUGS, Claudia    

[wyomingsal]

Terry,

I absolutley love the photo of Matt and his sister.  What beautiful children.  My son Joshua died last summer July 20, 2007 in a swimming accident.  He was 10 at the time.  His  birthday came up in September and it was very hard.  It was almost worse the week before then on the actual day.  So many memories and so sad to be having his birthday without him present.  We got balloons (one for every year of his age) and planned to release them at the little spillway he died at.  Unfortuately for us the weather was bad so we waited until the next day.  In the morning all the balloons had sunk to the floor.  :?  So we went around in a circle and had each kid think of a Joshua memory and then pop their balloon..  The kids loved it.  I think it will be our tradition for future birthdays.  Joshua was the center of attention in our household.  He had actually been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  He was so fun and adventurous but could also be a pain in the rear end.    Our 9 year old has had a hard time dealing with the loss and was on prozac for awhile.  We also have an 8 y/o and a 4 y/o. 

I think the guilt is always present when your baby dies.  I don't care how old they are.  Here is a link to a poem I wrote in the sleepless nights following my son's death.  So many thoughts and guilt feelings swirling around.  I am certain his friends who were with him feel tremendous guilt as well.  We think one of the friends might have dared him to jump but we will probably never know for certain what happened.  We do know that his friends stood there in shock for awhile until my 9 y/o Micah caught up and saw Joshua upside down in the water and then unconcious.  He screamed for them to go get help.  Poor little guy.  Some religion is mentioned in the poem.

http://heyerhaven.blogspot.com/2007/08/guilty-written-by-joshuas-mom-after-he.html

[mattewmess]

Thank you everyone for writing. I, too, have been reading everything I can get a hold of. I did copy all of the pictures I could find of Matt to my computer. I have tried to be there for his sister and brother, it is difficult with everyone in various stages of grief. I have read about the stats of the marriages, 80% divorce. I can understand that, I feel numb. My husband and I have agreed to be friends right now with few expectations. We feel that we are the only ones that really knew Matt and no one can love him like us. In a way his death connects us as much as his life. I think my husband and kids would not do well if there was any other tragedy or lost right now, though I feel that I am not very present at times. I thought that my husband were well on our way to the golden years, Matt had gone to Cal Poly for his freshman year of college and was doing well. For reasons he would never really tell us, he came home after one year. When he was little he said that he never wanted to leave home for any reason, it was his idea to go to Cal Poly, Salisbury State University if right next door. It is a rainy, gray day and I find that I miss him more than ever. It has been six months and I still think I can do something different somehow. I do think often of the people that I know that have lost children, of the people in Iraq, of all human tragedy, etc. I find that I have to be careful about the news, movies, books, etc. Sometimes I wonder if I can continue in my work, one of my patients has a brain cancer that returned and he is not expected to live this time. He is such a wonderful young man. He has battled this for 10 years and is only 22 y/o. I know life is not fair or easy, often in my work I have thought "there but for the grace of God go I". I was so blessed with three beautiful, healthy, and strong children. I was blessed to have known Matt as long as I did on this earth. He pushed me to be a better person, I had to bend around him. Take good care, Tery

[namarella]

Terry, your description of your son and your relationship with him touched me. My son had undiagnosed bipolar disorder and would often use drugs/alcohol to self-medicate, to “try and feel normal,” he would tell me.  He’d made several suicide attempts, would talk about it with his sister (who was furious with him over such talk), though he promised me he would never try that again.  He was in college, on the Dean’s List and was beginning to make plans for the future, so I thought he was really getting better.  I probably won’t ever know what really happened that night (he died while partying with friends, overdosed on drugs), I think at the least he was negligent (as were his friends), which led to his death.  Could we have done more?  Probably not...something that was very hard for my husband and I to accept was that Eric’s life had its own trajectory - we are not in control.  All we can do is love them.

While I don’t like to think of having favorites between my two children, I used to call him the ‘sunshine of my life,’ and he was truly that.  His sister is still angry with him and won’t talk with her dad or I about Eric, so we’ve been left pretty much alone to deal with our grief over these last two and a half years.  Yes, family/friends all want us to get over it quickly (usually for their own comfort) and it does seem like our talking about it wears them out.  So I’ve been very thankful to have this forum to talk and share and gain some wisdom in healing.  By the way, I had a lucid dream of Eric 7 months after he died, and several contacts since then, so I know he’s fine, doing his own healing and will always be with me.  I hope Matt will be in touch with you soon.  Blessed be, Colleen    

[mattewmess]

Dear Colleen,  Thank you for your email. I think now that Matt was self medicating too. He didn't really care for alcohol but his friends later informed me that he was much calmer if he smoked pot. He was arrested for posession of a joint and was being drug tested so he didn't smoke pot for 5 weeks and was taking an antidepressant. He texted his sister that he felt like he was dying and he was gone. He, too, was on the dean's list in high school. I was playing a Bill Withers song the Friday night before he died and the song said that says 'it is a lovely day because you are in it' - made me think of Matt. He was like sunshine too. His friends said that it wasn't a party or an event until Matt arrived, he was so much like Jim Carey. Since I have learned that Jim Carey, Robin Williams, and other comedians are bipolar. You know what I mean when I say that the new quiet now is the worse part. He would burst into a room and start speaking loudly - no matter what was going on, who was talking, etc. We couldn't help but laugh at him. People said - that is just Matt. I wonder where all that energy went, we could do away with power plants if we could have captured it. I have tried to tell his friends that this is the danger of alcohol and drugs, some can handle them and some can't, but his friends still party and I am so worried about them. My oldest son and daughter's friends are older and I can see that some of them are starting to work for a living and can't party because they have to get up in the morning now. It is difficult for me to relate, I was trying to support myself and pay for college and had no money for anything but essentials - so while I was a teen in the 70s I did not get into the alcohol or drug scene. I thought I was setting a great example, I am sure that many of my generation scared their parents too though. I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for writing. Terry

[4everjoeysmom]

It seems like so many of us have compared notes and find that our child who has gone was the liveliest in our bunch.  I just find that astounding still...  Mine too was an honors level college student, life of the party, lit up any room, always having a blast, endless friends...  I don't know what that means...  but it seems like the world is becoming quieter.....  seems...  probably isn't, but a strange likenesses....  I know my life certainly has become much quieter....  Perhaps that's why I feel so often like screaming...  make a little noise...  I miss Joey's noise.... 

[heartbeataway]

Hi Kathy,

It's sad to think that our dogs miss our boys!  I've been in a real spiral the last few days. Our ten month anniversary is Thursday. We're missing our boy ......... we're just missing our boy. 

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[lagrangel]

Terry and Bonnie,

What handsome boys you have. I love the picture of the dogs. My oldest son and his wife have a beautiful merel boxer named Jackson. He really is a joy when he comes vist us. We are suppose to take care of him when they go on a trip with some friends in June. We like the company since he is an inside dog. We call him our grandpuppy.

Terry, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my son on August 11, 2007 four months before his 20 birthday.   I still have good days and bad days which I think that is part of the norm at this stage. As you know the grief is so painful just living on with life withour our loved one and trying to carry on is a difficult task in it's self.  I do agree with Claudia that this is such a difficult journey and many marriages cannot survive it.  Men just don't seem to share alot about their feelings. Just try to keep the line of communications open to your husband and other children.  Our life has forever change we just have to find a way to this " new Life".  I will pray for you and your family and hope you have a peaceful day on Wed. Brent had some similiaries that your boys did. He was always the center of attention in the room and he always treated me so sweet. He would always take up for my defense when my other boys may have said something that did not sit well with him. He was the one who called  me all the time in college and just talked and would always say in his sweet voice" I Love you MaMa" It is just missing those special times with our boys that make it such a tuff journey.  All the hugs and wonderful things he would say. I love my other boys so much but Brent had the soft heart for everyone. It would not matter who it was he would be more than happy to help them out in any way.

Thanks for everyone sharing it has been a difficult day. I just miss him so much!!!!!

Prayers to all your families, Lana

http://Brent-LaGrange.virtualmemorials.com

[heartbeataway]

Lana,

Thank you for your sweet posting. You are so new on this journey and so gracious to reach out to us.

Jason's dog is a real source of joy for us. Jason loved his dog Jackson. We are thankful to have him with us.

I visited your memorial site. I am so sorry for your loss. I look at all the faces of our young people and it just breaks my heart over and over.

Love! from one grieving Mom to another,

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[mattewmess]

Dear Lana, Thank you so much for your email. I am amazed at the similarities too of these young men. It makes me wonder what is going on. Your son is adorable. Your loss is new too. I am so sorry. Do you mind if I ask what happened to him? I do agree with you about husbands, I try to talk to others, he is trying to be there, but for him it is best to leave it alone. I understand that, I am back at work today and have written at least 10 prescriptions for ADHD meds and referred to patients to psychiatry for possible bipolar disorder, but I make sure the moms are informed before they go and keep in close touch with me about how things are going in the 'system'. It does bring me down, the mothers think I am an expert because of my training, but the truth is that I am an expert because of Matt and have studied and read everything and anything ever since Matt's death. Even Scientific American Mind has several articles on all the genes for all these conditions - ADHD, depression, anxiety, risk taking behavior, etc. Amazing! I am sad to think that one day a drop of blood will dx. Matt's condition and he would have been spared all the pain and maybe his early death. I am sure that mom's with kids with other dx. feel the same way; diabetes, heart defects, etc. I love being a mom but it hurts so much, I wouldn't have missed it but my heart just breaks over so many things. It was good to hear from everyone. Take good care, Terry

[4everjoeysmom]

What a beautiful picture, Terry!

I know we strive so much to honor our kids by doing the best we can to bring awareness to specific dangers and such so that maybe another mother won't suffer our fate.  As you journey that path, please, please be gentle with yourself.  We must take caution to protect ourselves from time to time for taking on too much burden or blame in the midst of circumstances we have no control over....  That said, I admire your ability to go back into work full swing.  Take good care of you!  Hugs, Claudia

[heartbeataway]

Terri,

The picture you posted is just great! You can actually feel the love just looking at it.

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[daveydow1]

Hello to everyone,

I have not been on here, to post, for awhile. I am so sorry to see so

many new people who have come on. I am sorry for all your losses,

and pray that you will find some comfort from some of the posts that

you read. All of us here, on this very sad journey, knows your pain and

heartache. Some are very new on this road, some have been on it for

quite some time---(nearly 5 yrs. for me, since my dear son, David passed

over.)   I wish everyone here peace & serenity.

                                                 Daveysmom,     Sherry

[mikesmomrs]

I posted the following on the wrong thread earlier today and didn't realize it until just now...so sorry for the error.  I imagine anyone reading it on the other thread ("Room for one more?") was wondering what picture I was referring to.

Terry;  such a beautiful picture; the joy jumps off the page. 

I have read the posts of yourself and Lana and Bonnie and my heart breaks for you all, (as well as all of us who find a reason to be here at BI).  Your grief is so raw, and reaching out like this really does help. 

My son, Mike, died of brain cancer, and so I did have the time before his passing, knowing that it was coming, but I honestly don't know which would be better...knowing, or the 'phone call.'  Losing an only child is unimaginable.  I am fortunate enough to have two other children, my daughters, who are 43 and 39 and they each have two children.  Mike left three young children, and they are our true delights, but this delight is sometimes so bittersweet, as our hearts break knowing that Damon, Mike's youngest, will never remember the warm hugs of his dad, as Mike died just before Damon's 2nd birthday.  Mike died on Oct 14, 2006, but some days it feels like a week ago. 

Yes, the pain softens, the grief is not so gut-wrenching all the time, but still those tsunamis come and knock you to your knees.  Like many others here, though, I truly believe our wonderful children are together, and have led us all here, to find support and love and caring, which is offered freely, without judgment, and that we will all one day be together again, loving and hugging and laughing.   

I do ask for some help at this time...my grandson, who is 22, was diagnosed with biploar disorder in his early teens, but never found the "niche" for treatment that he felt comfortable with, so went off his meds a few years ago.  I know that, like a lot of kids in his spot, he has self-medicated with alcohol and pot, but he has called me recently, and is asking for help.  Of course, he does not have any insurance, and as you likely know, it makes it very difficult to get treatment.  Even the community centers aren't much help...no appointments any time soon unless you are suicidal, etc.  We stay in close touch with him, talk with him every day, as he has expressed severe depression at times, and swings back and forth, as bipolars do, along with bursts of anger that he has learned to control somewhat through his music---he writes a LOT of music, and plays some.  His mom is dx'd bipolar, and has been on meds for a long time, and has been pretty stable now for about 8-9 years, and he stays in close touch with her, also.  He does not live with her, though, has been living on his own since 18.  Right now  he is staying in our new home, (which we haven't moved into yet as we haven't sold our current home), until he moves into an apt with a friend of his whose roommate is leaving soon to be married.  Anyway, I do ask that you keep us in your prayers that we can find him some help...I am going to cash in some of his savings bonds to pay for an evaluation and hopefully treatment will begin soon. 

I am on anti-depressants which are monitored by a nurse practitioner, and I am going to try to get him an appt with her as she is fairly young and he may connect with her sooner than an older doctor...I don't know, I am just hoping, as I am sure you all understand.  He has said he would go, so he is going to call for an appt.  I just pray he keeps it. 

And Kathy, it is good to hear from you, you are always in my thoughts. 

I am so very, very sorry for everyone's losses and heartbreak, and to those of you so new to this sad journey, please know that we are so happy you found us.

love and peace to all, and wishing peaceful memories to ease our days as we travel on this journey together,

carol  mikesmomrs

[summergirl]

Hello to all - "her name is Jessica, say her name, HER NAME IS JESSICA" - those are the words I spoke to my therapist today - I am so weary of being stong with family and friends - they do not speak her name and I want to hear it!! I want them to stop thinking of how uncomfortable they are and for once think of how we feel - we do not have our daughter with us anymore on this earth - they have their children, they are watching them grow and get married and they are looking forward to having their first grandchild and I cannot even get them to say "Jessica".  What do we have to do to get them to realize that we cannot just "forget" that we had a child, that we lost a child, that our lives as we knew it no longer exists, that we have pain and sorrow every day of our lives, we do not "move on" and live happily ever after?? I often wonder if I am going crazy that I just want to scream - I want to gather them all together in one room and make them understand and I know that will never happen so I just imagine that one day they will understand without having to suffer the loss - again I know that cannot happen either as no one can possibly know how we suffer unless they experience it and I don't want anyone to feel as we do. Every time I see someone new come on I cry for the loss of yet another child.

My best friend just lost her mother yesterday to cancer and she is so relieved that her mother is no longer suffering - there will be no memorial until sometime in the summer as she is being creamated and they are waiting for all the family to be able to be here - a part of me was so jealous that she is happy that her mother has let go and is now at peace, she got to tell her mother that it was ok to let go, she got to tell her all the things she wanted to say - I was thinking why couldn't I have had that, why did my daughter have to go as she did,  why was I not able to tell her it was ok. I know I am being irrational about the whole thing but I just got so angry at the unfairness of it all. I am happy that my friend is not experiencing what I am and that she has peace with her mom going but sometimes life just sucks!!!!

I am sorry for rambling once again but sometimes I just need to tell all of you what I feel as I know you will understand without questions - I am so thankful for this site and for all of you who take the time to help, to talk, to share - you are my life line. So thank you. Peace and love to all - Kathy

[summergirl]

Carol - I am sorry for my posting - I was posting as you were and after reading what you wrote about losing your son, about knowing and getting to say good by I felt so horrible for the things I said about being able to say good by and life being unfair. Please forgive me if I have hurt you or anyone else - sometimes I do not take the time to edit what my brain says before I write the words. It is no easier saying good by then it is to get the phone call or the knock on the door - bottom line is your child is gone and we are still here.

Blessed be - Kathy

[mattewmess]

Hello Carol, 

I wasn't sure what help you were asking for with your grandson. I best advice is as a mother and not a nurse pracititioner, read everything you can and encourage your grandson to be informed as well. There is so much information out there, bipolar illness is still not understood very well, though there are numerous studies right now, even brain scans and genetics, etc. There are many things that help make it better - like a diet low in sugar and processed foods, real sleep at night and at least 9 hours, sunlight, physical activity - especially aerobics and weight lifting, playing music is good, prayer, talk therapy, etc. The meds are a small part really and not helpful if all this other stuff is not done. Self medicating with drugs and alcohol just undermines it all. My eldest son probably has bipolar II? He was a philosophy major in college, is spiritually minded, changed his lifestyle to what I would call a healthy hippie style - less stress, more carefree, drug free and drama free, does yoga and bikes a lot and is doing well. The problem is that your grandson needs to choose and that is the hard part, chosing what is good or best for us. There are books out there written by young people with bipolar that may be more accepted by him. Maybe even a musician has written a book. Tom Wootton wrote The Bipolar Advantage, Susan Blauner wrote How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me, etc. These are books written by authors with bipolar disorder and have lots of good suggestions. I wish people understood that the meds may help but there is so much more that can be done and needs to be done even if you are on meds. I wish you luck, I know it is hard because someone with bipolar may not be able to appreciate or adhere to anyone's help or advice. It is a real puzzle, they push away the very things they need. There are wonderful web sites too for young people to talk to other young people that offers a chance for them to network and see what can be done, what works, etc. I wish you the best on this journey, best to educate yourself the most that you can.

Hello Kathy,

I know what you mean. I can't imagine not talking about Matt when a 'Matt' thing comes up, but I am finding that the landscape is changing. Some people have moved closer in and some have moved out, barely visible anymore. I read this would happen. I did hear a speaker recently say that since he has been talking to and working with so many kids with real big problems he can't do 'small talk' anymore. I prefer to be around friends and family members that are OK with me talking about Matt and can do the same. I find that Matt's friends are the easiest to talk to, they cry and laugh and hug. I read a book recently in which the mom said that it was her son's friends that got her through, they joined in so many activities to honor her son - like the first angel date, his birthday, Christmas, etc. Often they just came around like he was still there, kept her company, etc. I knew people that lost their children, I sent a card, I attended a funeral,............. now I go and sit in their den and listen to them talk about their child and it has a whole new meaning. I listened to people with big losses before, but now I get it, now it means something different. I wouldn't wish the death of a child on anyone but I have so appreciated the words and prayers of the parents that have suffered this tremendous loss before me. People that I thought I knew well have come forward with similar stories as mine and yours and I had no idea what they were carrying around all this time. I am not sure why this has happened in my life, I have to believe that good comes out of bad. I wish things were more clear, part of me feels like an imposter - I am a healer and still my son dies, part of me feels like there is no greater teacher or experience than real life and finally I am real. Sometimes I think that we let go and let go of our earthly body and life until we are just thrilled to move on to the next world, the next journey, because very little is left here and almost everyone that we love has moved on. It is a new thought that I have now, I will not be so scared to move on when it is my time because Matt is there - so it must be great, my Matt is in a great place! I have to hold that thought, that prayer. Matt just went to the big party early. He would do that, he was like that, he was a rascal. Thank you all for writing. It was a tough day, I went back to work after a week off and am counseling families and kids again. I had a good cry on the way home from work. My heart goes out to everyone. Goodnight and sleep well, Terry

[mikesmomrs]

Kathy:  Please, do not apologize for your posting...never apologize for your posting when it comes straight from your heart..."I am sorry for rambling once again but sometimes I just need to tell all of you what I feel as I know you will understand without questions -"  This part of your post is a very important part, Kathy --and we all do understand. 

My heart breaks for those of you who got that phone call, or otherwise learned of their child's death in an instant, and my heart breaks for those of us who had to watch our child die, and couldn't do a damn thing to stop it...as you said, "bottom line is, your child is gone and we are still here" and what truly matters is that we all understand this aspect of each other's pain.   The pain is deep, cutting, strangling, gut-wrenching, no matter the circumstances.  Please don't ever feel that you have to curtail your thoughts and expressions of your pain here...that is what makes this site such a comfort for all of us, that we know we can come here and say what is in our hearts and our minds without worrying about judgment. 

I do understand your feeling upset after reading my post that you may have hurt me, but please know that I am not hurt or upset.  I understand, Kathy, and we are all here for each other.

Also, my statement addressing "Kathy" in my post, was an error, I was actually addressing "Sherry," as she has not posted in a while.   I guess what with my posting in the wrong thread and then addressing Sherry as Kathy, I need to screw my head back on and kick my brain in gear!!!

Your post about wanting people to say your daughter's name, "Jessica," is something that is echoed by many, if not all, here.  Not hearing our child's name just because they are no longer here is such an insult, such a dishonor to their memory.  I do understand that people are not doing it to hurt us, or to be mean, but simply because they don't understand, but unfortunately, there are those that don't even take the time to try to understand.   You said "Every time I see someone new come on I cry for the loss of yet another child" and I know what you mean...I cry for them, too, and I also cry for the added pain they will know when they try to keep their child's memory alive, when they have to face the efforts of people who feel the need to try to get them to "move on," "put it all away," "leave it be," or whatever words people choose to say to keep from being made uncomfortable when we talk about our child.  I pray for them, also, that they will understand in some small way without having to travel this road, and come to be more supportive of those of us who do travel it.

My former boss once mentioned to me, about 3-4 months after Mike died, and I wasn't doing so well with my job, that he just didn't understand why I was still having so much difficulty, as it had after all been 3-4 months...I wanted so much to say "Well, John, what type of time table would you put on your grief over losing your child?  Would you set it at 3 months, 4 months, 200 days, what would you think would be a fair amount of time?"  But, of course, I never did.  He would not have understood, and I hope he never does.

Anyway, now, I have rambled.  But, again, Kathy, please know that there is no problem for me with your post. 

love and peace,

carol

 

 

[mikesmomrs]

Terry:  thanks so much for your reply, and for your advice.  Unfortunately, he is not ready yet to reach out that far...he may read a few of the books, but he is too restless to follow any type of diet or exercise program...and I know that he doesn't sleep properly...he sometimes stays up til quite late.  He works usually from 9 am to 9 pm, or 1 pm to 9 pm, so when he gets home, he feels as though his night has just begun, and he should be able to get another 6-7 hours out of his day, like everyone else who works the usual 9-5 shifts...and he is VERY lax in his eating habits, sometimes goes a couple of days without eating anything other than snacks.  We know, from the experiences we had with his mom, that HE has to make the changes, HE has to be willing to follow the program, and HE has to take the responsibility for it all, essentially...His mom didn't "get it" until she was 30...God, I hope and pray it doesn't take him that long....or that he has to go through the pain and suffering that she did to get there...

I guess I just really needed to vent, and ask for prayer support in this...sometimes there is no answer available, we just have to do the best we can and follow the path laid for us...let him know that we are here, we love him, and that he can always call us.  And we will encourage him to get treatment and to try to seek outside supports.  Sometimes that's all you can do. 

love and peace,

carol

I did forget to mention that we have created a web site for Mike, and for those of you who are new here and have not created a memorial web site for your child, I found it to be a very therapeutic and when you feel able, to think about it--it provides a wonderful way to share the story of your child and to put it all down in writing and pictures.  Mike's web site address is www.james-michael.virtual-memorials.com    If you visit, please sign his guest book, as it always makes us feel happy to know that someone else has learned a little about our son...

[mikesmum]

It really is beyond me - the struggle each minute of each day to seek, find and apply the positive.  In one week I head to court.  A case I thought was to determine if being in the Communications room, assisting with the call for my son was actually being at work.

How wrong could I be....after numerous assessments and discussions, my company and their insurer have put forward a motion that while it was 'bad luck' that I had been in the room on that day, the ensuing Coroners Inquest, the funeral and the undetermined cause of death are more distressing!  They asked for the Coroners Report to find out whether or not I was expecting my son to die.........So help me what bit of "what does it really matter" are these people missing.......Mike is gone, he wasn't supposed to be gone.  I wasn't supposed to be good at my job so I could assist with CPR on my son......It was for all the others, not me.........To know even with my experience and knowledge .... my son still died........@#$*!

Today is my youngest 30th birthday.  We all met at a local Italian restaurant for dinner.  My brother his wife and daughter Jess were there.....Bill had lost a son 6yrs ago to Cystic fibrosis.  He knows, his family get it.......they understand the inner storm I am struggling with.  My daughter and son and the grandies all understand, lost of hugs, unspoken acknowledgment that as a family were are fractured......

Steven's in-laws are lovely people.  Their lives are picture perfect.  Their son and his wife are lovely people too.  But none of them get it..........the innocence of the questions.....How are you?  "I'm fine" I say, while the voice in my head screams I am dying inside, "Are you working?"   'Not yet I say....with a smile.....the voice continues.....what work should I do......I suck at Emergency Medical Dispatch!!!!  Then the one that takes my breath away......"Its nice to have all your family together to celebrate Steve's 30th"...............................LIke hearing crystal being shattered.......beyond any recovery I sit next to my remaining kids, the set of three now down to two, hugs and kisses and I am off home.............they know ...............they get it...............

Micheal Shane, your baby brother turned 30 today.  You Melissa and I know what an achievment that has been.  He has turned his corner....working as a plumber, an excellent dad to Zak and Jeya, still in love with Kelly!  You were an integral part of his journey, his survival, I believe in my heart you still are.......

What I would give to hear your voice.......to get that hug that aligns my back and lets me know your energy is with me........It has been a bittersweet night my son.......the break in our chain glaring as we sat without you tonight......

So many things in this life could be deemed hard......this journey I am now on Mike is one that makes me bone weary......I am so tired my son.....I will look for you in my dreams.....if I miss you..know you mother loves you with all her heart........Love you my son my son.......

 

 

[missinglisa]

I am so sorry you lost your Jessica. I hate the term lost.....we don't lose them, we know where they went, ugh!

My daughter was /is Lisa. I want people to say her name too. I don't care if she has been dead almost 14 years. She will always be my 1st born. My child! Her younger sister, by only 15 months won't talk about her unless it is to make a dig at how Lisa was when alive. Some sarcastic remark. Guess it is her way of dealing with it. I went to her a few months ago and told her I wish I could discuss Lisa with her. That we should be able to discuss her occassionally. She ignored me. Acted like I was saying nothing.

My Mother would always talk about Lisa with me. But now my Mother was also killed in a car accident in January of 2007. So no one to talk to about Lisa.

You can say jessica's name to me anytime.

Jessica, Lisa......Jessica...Lisa....and all the others who left us too soon.

 

Susan

[mattewmess]

Dear Carol,

I am sorry, I wasn't sure what you were asking for. It was good to read your email because it reminded me of how my son was, I couldn't tell him much of anything - he usually took the hard road and had to find out for himself, much to my distress. I do wish he had been diagnosed correctly and had had the best psychoeducation, wish we had all had that as a family. The more I read though, the more even with right meds, treatments, education - it is still an unknown how 'well' they can be. I have my own issues and it is hard, life is hard, life is hard for everyone. I am reminded often that I am not in charge, I have to listen to Christian tapes everyday and night to not come out of my skin and to keep from just pulling the covers over my head and saying "forget it" myself. I do hope for the best for your family and you and keep you in my prayers. Take good care of yourself, Terry

[daniellemom]

Kathy,

When my daughter lost her best friend Sam at age 21 Feb 11, 2007. I ordered a book "When a friend losses a child". Because her mother and I are good friends and carpool to work together. I think I ordered it on line. Then 8 short months later on Oct 11, 2007 I lost my 21 year old daughter Danielle to a car accident. I think in reading pass post it's your family. I have that same issue with my husband's family they never say anything about Danielle to us. Maybe you should give them a copy of the book and in the book it tells you to always bring up the child's name!!

My sister sends me emails alot but about once a week at the end she puts Danielle's name about 5 or 6 times in different fonts and colors.

So I will do that for you.

JESSICA!! jessica!! Jessica:)JESSICA!! JeSsIcA!!!

[heartbeataway]

Today is the ten month anniversary of our son Jason's death. I'm so weary of this journey. My mind is numb and my eyes want nothing more than to close and re-open and find this has been a deep slumber with a horrible nightmare.

We miss his presence in our world more than we even have words to express. It's everywhere ... his absence is everywhere ....... its in our sleep, in our waking, in our breathing ........... how does a weary, grieving soul take this pain day after day, month after month, year after year ?????

I want to be angry with someone or something and I don't even know who to direct it at! The loneliness of being a parent without a child is overwhelming at times. I just want to understand why .............. why ................. why!

For Jason's  birthday in October, I wrote the following:

[align=center]Cekebrating You.......[/align]

[align=center]We're celebrating you today,That's what birthdays are all about.[/align]

[align=center]Your life mattered. You were important. You did so much more than die. You lived, and your life touched others.  So, today, on your birthday, we're going to focus on the living you.[/align]

[align=center]We'll lift our arms to feel close to you. We're going to say your name out loud. We'll close our eyes and see your smile, remember the twinkle in your eye. We'll feel your presence in the air and listen for your laughter in the wind.[/align]

[align=center]We'll visit the mountain where you're resting. We'll look out over the rocks and view the valley through your eyes. Your cross will remind us we're grieving. We'll leave messages as we reflect on our loss.[/align]

[align=center]We'll seek comfort in the passing clouds, Hear the rustle of leaves as we walk, Birds will soar high, a sign that you're near. We'll feel grateful even though you're not hear.[/align]

[align=center]Later, we'll sit by the campfire, Tell Stories, sing songs, reminisce. We'll talk about your big old heart. How we love you and how much you're missed.[/align]

[align=center]We're celebrating you today, the little boy that was. The man who grew, the love we knew, The spirit you are today.[/align]

[align=center]We won't forget the life you lived, Your generous nature, your loving smile. Soar high with love, there's more than enough. We'll see you again one day. Until, then, we'll be here, a mere heartbeat away. [/align]

[align=center]Loving YOU son, today and always, Mom[/align]

[align=center]Ask me why I grieve, so that I can say his name again.[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[mikesmomrs]

Bonnie:  I SO feel your pain and heartbreak, and your letter to Jason took my breath away...it is so moving and so completely filled with love...It truly deserves to be published, but I don't know if you would prefer to keep it private, between you and Jason and your husband...it is so very intense, and the line at the very end just made my heart burst...

please know that you are in my prayers and thoughts.

Terry:  thanks for your advice and empathy...I do believe that sometimes we can only do what we can do, and pray and hope that we are able to handle things.

Kathy:  your JESSICA will always be remembered, she will always be in your heart and on your lips...and ours....

Daniellemom:  you are so fortunate to have a sister who is so in tune with your feelings and willing to respond to them.  Even in your intense pain, you are blessed. 

Susan:  I am so very sorry that Lisa's younger sister is handling Lisa's death in that way...she could be such a help to herself and to you...and would help heal her heart if she would talk with you.  I pray for all of us.

Trudi:  the letters your write to your son are just so heartbreaking but help me shed tears that sometimes I find myself bottling up.  thank you for sharing.

love and peace,

carol

 

[mattewmess]

Dear Colleen,

I think of your message often. When we first learned about Matt we went to a friend that was a counselor and he said that it sounded like Matt was 'wired' that way. You used the word trajectory. It sure did feel that way to me sometimes. I would wake up from a bad dream that the police were at the door about Matt and that he was dead, but no bad dreams about my other two kids. Strangely, Matt was the most loving, sensitive, supportive, compassionate child. There are things all over the house that he dragged home for me that are hilarious and now comforting. He was the one kid that did stand up for me, look out for me in a way.... he would be fussing right now and telling me that I was "weak" for letting things get to me. I do hope that I have that dream, I would love to 'see' that he is great! I am such a neurotic mom, if I was cold everyone got sweaters and extra blankets, I have enough jackets and blankets for everyone on this site! Thank you for writing. How are you doing? Terry

[wyomingsal]

The mountain picture is beautiful.  What an amazing place for a memorial and a beautiful valley.  You are only a few months ahead of me on this journey of loss.  I am thinking of you and your handsome Jason.

Sal

[daveydow1]

For Missinglisa,  Susan,

I am sorry for your loss of dear daughter Lisa. Yes, to some people who have never experienced the death of a beloved child, 14 yrs. may seem like a long time, but to anyone who is on this journey, time becomes immaterial. The heartache lives on. I, too, lost a daughter Lisa. She was 6 mo. old when she died---37 yrs. ago, and I still have pain. The reason I am on this site-"-Loss of adult child-"--is for the death of my son,David, who was 31 when he was killed in a wreck, almost 5 yrs. ago.He was just a yr.younger than Lisa.  Your other daughter, no doubt, feels a lot of pain from the death of her sister.  It is difficult for you since you naturally would like to talk about Lisa. I am sorry for your heartache, and pray that you are able to find some peace & comfort somehow.  Peace be with you

                                               Daveysmom,   Sherry

 

 

 

 

 

                                         

[summergirl]

Hello to all - I am at work so this will be quick. I just wanted to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for saying "Jessica" - just knowing that as you were writing her name you were saying it made my heart feel so good. I do not know where I would be without all of you. Friends and family do not like to "talk" about Jessica because it makes them uncomfortable, it is easier for them - they forget about what makes things easier for us.

When Jessica lost one of her best guy friends to cancer (one year before she left us) I remember one day she woke up and just couldn't go to work as she was so upset and crying - they fired her!!! I went to talk to her boss and he said "well, it isn't as though they were dating or married or anything like that, he was just a friend" - I almost smacked his face but instead I just looked at him and told him Jessica was better off not working for someone like him and I left. So, I guess maybe some people feel there is a deadline on when the mourning, crying and grief stop - I would like to know what world they live in!!

Anyway I will take some pictures this weekend as Tavian is having a friend come over for a sleep-over and I am sure I will get some good pictures. It makes me feel good to post pictures of him so you all can watch him grow!!!

Love and Peace to all - Kathy

[loveyoujustin]

Hello to everyone.  I haven't been posting, just reading.  I've been having such a hard time lately, struggling down this neverending path of heartache.

Bonnie:  I just had to tell you that your letter to Jason touched my heart.  It felt as though my mind was saying and feeling all of those emotions along with you.  It is coming up on the 7 Month mark for us, but my son Justin's 18th birthday will be on Saturday.  We've decided to have a party for him, family, friends, food, memories.  We just want to be surrounded by people, people who know and love Justin, and celebrate him, as you said.  I printed out what you wrote, and would like to have it out on Justin's birthday, would that be ok.  Your words are just beautiful, and true to my heart also.

My wishes for peace and comfort with love to all.   Trish

JustinScottWagnerMemorialFund.com

 

[loveyoujustin]

Hello to everyone.  I haven't been posting, just reading.  I've been having such a hard time lately, struggling down this neverending path of heartache.

Bonnie:  I just had to tell you that your letter to Jason touched my heart.  It felt as though my mind was saying and feeling all of those emotions along with you.  It is coming up on the 7 Month mark for us, but my son Justin's 18th birthday will be on Saturday.  We've decided to have a party for him, family, friends, food, memories.  We just want to be surrounded by people, people who know and love Justin, and celebrate him, as you said.  I printed out what you wrote, and would like to have it out on Justin's birthday, would that be ok.  Your words are just beautiful, and true to my heart also.

My wishes for peace and comfort with love to all.   Trish

JustinScottWagnerMemorialFund.com

 

[mikesmum]

My last post was definitely a "cleansing rant'.   Its now Sunday, beautiful sunshine (84 F) with a gentle breeze and for the first time in over a week I feel okay. 

Friday 7th sees my career as an EMD over.  It really is a bittersweet decision, but I know in my heart that its time.

Now for the future - something I never thought I would hear myself say again.  I am begining to find being housebound is not a life choice I want to continue....I know in my heart that to think of tomorrow is something Mike has been waiting for me to do......The part of my heart that left with him in Jan 07 will never repair, the person I was before is not who I am now........ Micheal, will always be my son, that will never change no matter where this life I am left with takes me........

I have been looking at Medical Reception jobs, many want Registered Nurses.  I let mine slip to become an EMD.  My daughter came across an ad for a Re registration course for Nurses, locally.  A sign??? 

I have an entry interview tomorrow.....It will be change of pace.....I will have to shower (earlier rather than later), put on something a little more professional than jimmy jams and might even see if I have a lipstick that isn't strawberry gloss, (a gift from my granddaughter).

I want you all to know that you all are an intergral part of my journey and my healing.  Your words of encouragement, friendship and stories have all allowed me to grieve in my way knowing I am never alone........Thank you all 

Bonnie.....the words, the sentiment.....the celebration of the most precious boy.....beautiful.

Kathy - Always in my thoughts, my friend....hope you didn't do too much sugar on the sleepover!!! Can't wait to see the pictures....oh yeah............

JESSICA LEE - MICHEAL SHANE  .....say it loud!!!!!!!!!!

My goodness that feels good!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mikesmomrs]

Trudi:  I applaud your decision to seek out another avenue in your life's work...you are such a caring, giving individual, it is truly a gift to the world for you to venture forth into another path and I know that Michael is there beside you, sending you strength and love to do this...it is a huge decision, but one you seem to have thought long and hard on...and yes, your daughter's seeing that ad was likely a sign...know that you have all of us here with you, as well, and sending love and strength to you...you've been such a giver to this site and we are all appreciative of your being here, though all equally as sorry that you have a reason to be here.  I wish you much success and happiness in this part of your journey...

 

love and peace,

carol

[4everjoeysmom]

Trudi, I too wish you peace and hope that the "stepping out" will be your blossom in spring after all of the rain...

Trish, I know you aren't posting much, because this phase in the journey is so hard.  It takes all your energy just to breathe.  And it can be quite sad being here on the board sometimes, especially in this part of the walk, because there is so much sadness in the community of support, along with the good stuff.  I think of you often, and each time I do, I say a prayer for you.  HUGS, Claudia

[heathershope]

To loveyoujustins's mom,

 

My name is Terri and this is my first visit to beyondindigo.  I felt I needed to reply to you because my daughter Heather died from a rare and agressive form of cancer May 12, 2007.  Her birthday is Oct 29 and she loved Halloween so we always had a Halloween themed party for her.  This year her birthday fell at the 5 1/2 mos mark.  It was hard but we threw the biggest costume/halloween/birthday party for Heather and it was a HUGE success.  Very hard at times but good just the same.  At 10:29 that night we played the montage from her memorial service which were set to songs of hope and of her chosing and pictures of her enjoying life.  Again very heartbreaking that she was not there but wonderful at the number of family and friends that were.  Many of her friends that heard about it showed up, more than I expected, but that me feel great that they care enough to give up their Saturday night to hang with our family and honor Heather.  Mostly that they still think of her.  Of course we do but I often wonder how long the friends will.

 

So for what it's worth from a stranger, but one who has been there...throw the greatest party you can.  We paln to make it an annual event.

 

Good Luck and I am sorry for your loss.  I don't even know anything about you or Justin or anyone here yet for that matter because the first thing that caught my eye was you talking about a birthday party.

 

Terri

[heartbeataway]

Trish,

I would honored for you to use Jason's words for Justin's birthday. We felt as you that even though it was bittersweet, we had to celebrate his life.  He has a "death day" now but we wanted to concentrate on his life.

We went to The Cove in Gore, Virginia. His ashes are spread at The Pinnacle there.

We did just as the words say, we camped, we sat by the fire, we cried through tears as we listened to songs he loved and reminisced. We journeyed to The Pinnacle and left messages written on stones at his cross.  We hung wind chimes in a tree. Our gift to him. It was a beautiful weekend and tribute to his young life. There were more folks attending than we anticipated for a chilly, wet weekend.

We plan to continue this as tradition and try to make it a fundraiser for ARVD research.

Please, when you're able, share your weekend with us.  Wishing you comfort and strength as you celebrate the beautiful spirit of your son.

Love! From one grieving Mom to another.  JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[mattewmess]

Dear Terri, I am a Terry too. My son, Matt, died in Aug last year and his birthday is April 3rd this year. He would have been 21 and I was so ready for him to be the legal drinking age because he hung out with his sister (22), and brother (24) and was at risk for illegal under age drinking. GOD has a sense of humor! My daughter has been dating a very sweet guy, same name as her father and my husband - Dennis, a twin (his brother is Derrick), and he has the same birthday as Matt! So we are planning a big birthday bash with everyone included. I am glad that I have something to look forward to and want to honor Matt with the making of this celebration and not take away from these sweet twins. We loved Halloween too. We made costumes, decorated the house, cooked Cajun food and lots of desserts, and loud rock and roll music. It was the one holiday with no expectations, no gifts, crazy food, and we could play like kids. I know it was hard and I know that it will be bitter sweet for me as well, but what a great way to honor your beloved daugher. Don't doubt for a minute that she wasn't there, there in everyone's hearts. She will not be forgotten. Her friends and family will have sweet memories always - like we do of our loved ones that went on to the biggest party of all before us. What a gift to her and to all those that love her and you. I would love to see the Halloween pictures sometime. I was trying to send one of my favorite ones but was not successful. You are in my thoughts and prayers, Terry

PS I am sorry for so many typos, did not wear my glasses and feeling emotional today, my son died on a Sunday of all days. Love to all, Terry

[heathershope]

Dear Terry,

 

I know what you mean about God's sense of humor.  Heather "naughty" that she was couldn't wait to turn 21 herself so she could be of legal age as most of her friends were.  Now we know that Heather was far from a saint either but the irony for her was that she got diagnosed in March 2006 at the age of 20.  She obviously could not drink after that as her cancer was in her liver and pancreas and it made her extremeky sick.  She had waited for years for her 21st bash and it turned out to be a family party...it was however a "surprise costume party" so she enjoyed it immensely.  We have the most precious photos of that night.  We tricked her into bringing her costume to show to her little niece.  Heather was a bumblebee.  That was her last halloween and her last birthday.  She said on the way home that night "thank you mom, that was the best party ever, especially since 5 months ago we didn't know if I would make it to 21"  BROKE MY HEART to hear her say that. 

 

I am somewhat computer illiterate so I will get some photos posted when I can get someone to help me figure out how.  Heather was a beauty, of course I thought so, but she truely was.  She has the brightest blue eyes and they just twinkled when she laughed.  She had beautiful long blond hair which she cut of as soon as she was diangnosed to avoid the trauma of losing it.  Another funny God joke...she never lost her hair during chemo.  That was always a big joke on her.

 

So what did your son die from?  Seems like there are lots of accidents on the pages I haven't seen much cancer.   Whatever the cause it is so sad that all these beautiful kids are gone from us here, until we meet up with them again.

 

Thanks for responding to me.  God Bless.

 

Terri