Loss of an Adult Child

[lindseysmom]

Life here will never be what it was.  I also think of my Lindsey constantly..it will be 2 years on Jan.3,  I can not believe it.....It is such hard work to get thru each day, I feel so exhausted...Not sure how I have survived thus far, Im sure its my other children, husband and grandson , but nothing is the same... and I loved my life before, and thanked God numerous times each day for what I had,  It was truly all I ever wanted, so empty with my Lindsey gone she was very special young lady...as for her Birthdays, thats the hardest, dont know how I will get thru the next one, last year was the most painful, horrific day God grant us all peace and comfort thru our remaining days here on earth until we can be with all who have gone before us, and our precious children that are our hearts...

[mamabets]

For lindseysmom~ You are so right when you say that life will never be the same...I am amazed at those that think there can ever be closure...What a word, as if we want "closure..." As in, let's just all hop on the wagon together and close what we had with our kids..

Imagine even trying to "close"... Not going to happen, thank God...

The truth is, as I have often said with me and my Danny's situation... "He did not die~ I did." I truly believe that where our angel kids are now is so far removed from anything that could make them sad. I was talking with a friend last night who lost her son a few years back, and is now losing her husband to cancer. I said "The end of the rainbow MUST be so glorious, considering that this here is so painful..." There just is no other way to come to any sort of answer as to why life has things in it like good people losing at love, losing at life~

But, I must say, that with some time, this unbelievable blow has softened some...That swelling, filled with torture and agony, has gone down some. I have been blessed with so many signs from Danny and no matter when I think of him, which is every minute, I do think of him with his smile. He had this peaceful smile, a hearty laugh, a sensitive cry, and a presence that when he walked into a room, the world seemed so right with anyone and everyone in it. An awful lot for that came naturally for one guy, wrapped into a 6'5" body of 25 years...  Life and certain people made it impossible for him to be all who he was here, so the other side is smiling with him now, all knowing how blessed they all are to have him there...

 He has started MY eternity~

So, I do what I can to ride out the floods of tears when they hit, as they most certainly still do. I expect them to for always, as long as I have life here. My life is filled with so many other beautiful things..My daughter, my grandbabies, the rest of my family, including my sweet dogs that are so intuitive...4 little doxies!! They really help, and I strongly recommend cuddly doggies to help on this journey. One of my dearest friends that I met on this site lost her only daughter 2 and 1/2 years ago. We have managed to get her HOOKED on little long haired doxies... Cooper and Callie!! I will attatch a picture of them, as they have really helped her and her family.

God Bless you as you come upon January 3rd... It is all such a vivid nightmare, I know~ I will pray for you and everybody here. You all know that!

LOVE

mamabets    

[mamabets]

For analisa4~ Oh, my sweet friend...I remember all to well being EXACTLY where you are~ 3 months into the loss, with Danny's 26th birthday approaching with each day; right around every corner, it seemed.

We found a way to celebrate him, his 26th birthday being the first since he had departed. We set balloons off. Being that he is my Halloween baby, I used to have the trick-or-treaters say "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" to him when I would call him over and over and over again the night of his birthday, having already spoken to him umpteen times throughout the day...

Every day was like that, and most certainly has always been like that with my daughter. We chit chat LOTS...

We give each trick-or-treater a ballon and have them make a wish, as they release their balloons. I marvel at how the balloons decorate the neighborhood skies...

I wish I could just wave a wand and get us all through all of this. Being here and expressing ALL of your feelings will continue to help, and continuing with small doses of help, in the longer run, becomes our saving grace.

LOVE

mamabets 

[bastetlechat]

I am glad I have found this web site! Every post speaks to me and some aspect of my experience with grief. My 20 year old daughter died Sept 4, 2004, and I will never be the same. I will read everyone's posts regularly and add to them as I can. My experience is that having someone to share with, someone who understands, is extremely valuable, and even necessary, for all of us. I look forward to a new year with all of you. Thanks very much.

I have found it helpful to plan in advance for anniversaries--make a plan on what you want to do that day to recognize your loss. It does not have to use up the entire day, either. Light a candle; have friends and family gather for story telling; participate in an activity your loved one enjoyed; something planned is better than letting events unfold.

[mamabets]

For basteltlechat~ Bless you, and please tell us about your beautiful daughter. My 25 year old son, Danny, departed from this Earth on June 16, 2004. Beyond indigo has been so helpful...I have met so many beautiful people here.

I welcome you into my life with your weary heart and will help you as much as I can.

LOVE

mamabets

[mynicholas]

Hello to all,

Wow!! I haven't  been on here in a while! ALOT has changed....... I THINK IT'S REALLY GREAT THAT YOU HAVE MADE IT TO WHERE WE CAN POST OUR KID'S PIC'S!!!!!!!!! I WILL HAVE  TO SHOW YOU ALL A PICTURE OF MY SON.......NICHOLAS!!!!!!!! THIS IS REALLY GREAT! I hope all of you are o.k. going into another year. I am facing 3 years on May 8th without my Nicholas, ALOT HAS HAPPENED THIS PAST YEAR.........IT HASN'T BEEN A GOOD ONE AT ALL!!! I'll have to write and tell you.

Take care ALL of you,

Rose 

[mamabets]

For Rose~ It is sweet to see you here again- Please tell us about all that hs been happening, in spite of trying to survive!!

Our angels are, among us always...xoxo 

GOD BLESS YOU!

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For All~ My wish for all of you is that you find the strength and courage to continue to make sure that we all find each other when the darkness comes...When we feel that there will be no light, ever...There is, and there will be...

Perhaps we could start this New Year off with a special story of our angels...There are so , so many that we all hold dear, but I will start with one that comes to mind...

One particular year I was poorer than a church mouse...I had, maybe, $7.00 to spend on each one of my kids. I went to the dollar store and got each of then some new underwear, and a flannel shirt for Danny, a nightgown for Jackie...

I went over to my ex husbands home and while there were just presents galore within this gated community that they lived in, my kids opened their gifts and Danny said to me "Mom, it is amazing...You always give us what we need...Dad just gives us what we want~ Thanks, Mom, and I love you"

Unfortunately, there were always $$$ reminders, always, within the gated community..."Don't lose this or that, it cost over $400.00":(

He was, at the time, 16 years old...I will never forget this, for my Christmas spirit has always come from the heart, not from the wallet, and they have always known it.

Just a special story that I wanted to share with all of you~ 

Jackie, today, continues to do things that they did together...She keeps his memory alive within her little family with the memories that she has with Danny... The priceless memories of them laughing together...

This was the year of the "sock monkey miracle"... 

LOVE

mamabets

 

[mikesmum]

It is one year today Mike came home to us.  His partner had called police on Dec 31 stating he was threatening her and was armed.  Sadly, when they came they found a grown man in his boxer shorts, sitting on his front door steps crying.  They had no option but to take him to the station.  He was cautioned about returning to their home until a court date set for 12 jan 07. 

This was the day I saw his spirit broken, his soul destroyed.  He was with us a day when she started calling saying it was all a big mistake.  If he wanted to see his daughter he would agree to meet with her. 

All through the 10 days before court, she would call our house, ring his mobile.   The thought of losing his daughter destroyed him.  She agreed to speak with the police, drop the charges and seek counselling as a couple. He agreed to go back to her. 

She did change her story, in a statement after his death.  She admitted the fight was over her spending all her Christmas money/vouchers then taking Micheals and spending them too.  She said she was angry and didn't want him around New Years.  She admitted he was neither armed or aggressive towards her, that it was simply the best way to have him taken away on the day...........

One year ago today my broken baby came home.  At 31 he was lost, someone he loved with all his heart, someone he had a child with had him removed, handcuffed and charged.  He knew she lied, I knew she lied.  The emergency call she made stated she was in fear of her life, he was armed and threatening her and her family......He wanted his daughter.  He wanted this woman to love him as much as he loved her.............

Micheal, my son.  Today has been the hardest.  Its 18 days before you died, I had you here.  We talked, we cried.  I tried to be objective.  With each call you became more and more devestated.  My son was being pulled in a thousand directions at one time. 

You seemed to become stronger through the week.  You set meetings with her, spoke of what your expectations were and the boundaries as a couple you would strive to achieve. 

How could I know that Friday when you left our house, that you would be walking back into the same situation, the same person that took pride in the fact she could have you taken away anytime.  The person who was to be in control of your meds.....

Tears fall my baby boy.......I feel as though you were hanging over a cliff, I could see you struggling.  I had your hand, I held you tight, but in just 6 days after returning home you were gone........I never let you go Micheal......I am still holding tight........

Micheal, my son, my son......it hurts, it hurts..........so much.....please let me know in some way you are truly at peace.........your pain is gone...

[analisa4]

Mikesmum, first off let me say that you are such a strong woman...your words of wisdom have gotten my through many tough days... I know that your Michael is in a better place and would want you to know that...He sounds like a wonderful, loving, son, and father. Be proud of him as he is of you...you are helping me through the toughest time in my life and I know that he would be proud of you....Thank you for being honest and loving your son unconditionally....it makes it easier for us to do the same....love, hugs and peace to you my friend....AnaLisa...Nicks Mom...Happy Birthday my precious boy...God Bless you always...

[momgran]

Mikesmum:  This day has been a day of intense pain for me.  And I see from your post, it has also been for you.  I thank you, from the depths of my heart for your candid sharing of the struggle you had shared with your precious boy and his pain at the end stages of his life.  But he is no longer in pain.  He is at peace, and you have to carry the burden of your loss.  But I hope that his faith in what he believed in and that his wonderful spirit will be with you until you leave this world to join your son.

Analisa4:  I hope today, the celebration of your sweet son Nick's entrance into this world 22 years ago brought some fond memories, but I know at this stage of your journey, it probably brought great sorrow and longing.  But we all pray that these memories will bring some joy, and they will, I promise you.

It's been  14 months and 9 days since I lost my sweet daughter Pippa and her little Kieran.  Today I was on my knees with grief and sorrow (thank you mambets for the email).  I prayed that Pippa and Kieran would wrap their arms around me and tell me everything would be alright.  Shortly after this prayer, my neighbour walked over to my garden and gave me a sheet of paper, a poem that was shared with her by a friend in Ireland who had lost her daughter and grandson in a car accident.  My neighbour had recently lost her husband of 56 years and we held each other and wept!  When I came into my house, I read the poem she gave me and I was overwhelmed, convinced that Pippa and Kieran had, truly, wrapped their arms around me and told me everthing is alright!  I would like to share this poem with you all and pray that 2008 will bring peace, love and some delightful surprises in your lives and that the memory of our precious children will warm our hearts for as many days as life has gifted us with.

Love Peace and Patience

Debbie

[mikesmum]

Nicks mum ([user=18500]analisa4[/user], ) Thank you for your words, they do much to soothe the pain of my head & heart.  I hope Nicks birthday allowed you some special memories of unconditional love and a life now so sadly missed.

Debbie - Reading the words of the poem from your neighbour..........it truly hits home....I do think at our lowest, our beloved family sees our struggle and in someway they message us hope to let us know we are not alone.   Micheal was my link to computers.  Computer illiterate other than for work, he downloaded, searched and showed me much. 

I believe it was him standing behind me when in my earliest days, unable to function he led me to Beyond Indigo and those who would know me just by hearing my story

I thank you all for sharing your families your stories and your lives....without them I may never survive to take one day at a time.......

[summergirl]

Hello to all - it has been a few days since I have posted. Trying to get through the holidays has been so hard for me this year - I feel as though I am going backwards instead of forward, I can't seem to make it through one day without falling to my knees, crying uncontrollably, screaming Jessica's name. It is one year, ten months and 14 days and it feels like today. I want someone to unbreak my heart, I want to breathe without aching, I am drowning in my tears, I beg for her to come home, I want the hurt to subside for just a little while so I can.......can what? I don't know. February is coming fast and Tavian's birthday is the 11th and Jessica's angel date is the 18th - and my little brother Billy's angel date is the 28th - how do I get through this, how do I celebrate Tavian's 6th birthday and mourn my beautiful daughter exactly seven days later?? I don't know how I do this every day, I keep trying to count all the blessings in my life and I know Jessica would want me to be strong - I just don't know how. Tonight I was cleaning out the office closet and I went through a box of pictures from Jessica's apartment and I thought - "this is all I have left of her, just boxes, just boxes, filled with my daughter and everything that she was and is are in all these boxes" - so unfair, so painful, so much agony and sorrow. Closure is not a word in my vocabulary, neither is moving on, getting better, it will get easier, so many things I don't believe in any more. I love you my Jessica and I am doing all that I can to stay afloat and be everything I can be for Tavian - I love him so much and you are so proud of him I know, he teaches me so much, he is the reason I breathe every day, he is the reason I live on - I promise to not disappoint you, I will take care of him, hug and love him for both of us. I miss you my baby.

Thanks for hearing me and letting me go on - I am so tired of this road yet there are no detours so I walk on.

Prayers and love to all - Kathy  

[4everjoeysmom]

Kathy (Summergirl), I know what you mean.  Just yesterday I went through some shirts and a couple pair of shorts that belonged to Joey, and I thought, "this is all that's left of Joey--just a few things, nothing more."  Tangibly that's true, but I know in a spiritual sense he will always exist.  But I tried so hard to smell him in those old shirts.  Oh how I miss him so.  I am going to cut squares from the shirts and shorts and have a quilt made--some day.  I so wish Joey would have had a child to carry on his genes and his legacy..................  Bless you for having dear Tavian.  I'm sure it isn't easy, but what a wonderful gift that lives on--far more than boxes and a few shirts.  Big Hugs, Claudia

[summergirl]

Claudia - Thank you for pulling me out of a "me moment". I know how blessed I am to have Tavian, he is his mommy's son. I know that he is a gift from God - when Jessica told us she was going to have a baby I was so upset as she wasn't married and was just 22 so I tried to talk her out of it but she was so determined and once I saw that beautiful baby boy I knew that God had given Jessica the most wonderful gift in the world - a child - and now I know that he has been given to us for the same reason we had Jessica - a purpose and love unending. Jessica will always be in my heart and no one can ever take away the beautiful 26 years that God gave us with her. It's just so hard sometimes to put things in perspective because sometimes you just want to be mad at the world for a little while. That is one of the reasons I am so blessed with this site - I can and do say what I want when I want and someone always understands. Please have the quilt made, it will warm your heart. I was making a quilt for Jessica and she never got the chance to use it so I finished it and keep it on my bed, she covers me with her warmth each nite.

Thank you again and God Bless you.

Will post a picture of Tavian from Christmas tomorrow.

[mikesmomrs]

To All:  It has been a while since I have posted also...these holidays have been a well of tears for me this year also...perhaps it is that the numbness is not there as it was last year...last Christmas finding us only a couple of months since our precious son's departure from this earth, and this year it seems to have hit us full on as though, as Summergirl has said, feeling as though I am going backwards instead of forwards.  I have been reading all of your posts and walking with you these couple of weeks, sharing in your pain and in your triumphs, and praying for all of us. 

We also have been going through boxes and memories, as we are selling our home of 16 years and struggling to "pare down" and having to go through so many things, especially of Mike's, as he had stored a lot of his things here.  He sometimes used a very strong scent that he particularly liked, oil of sandalwood, so most of his clothing still has the scent clinging to it, and I can smell it on his most favored pieces of clothing.  I am planning on doing a quilt, also, like Claudia---"some day." 

I was coming home from work last night, and it was very dark as I was late getting out.  The sky was filled with seemingly billions of stars, but no moon seemed to be present, so the road was truly dark.  On the way, I started crying again, remembering the joys of Christmases past, and feeling again the aching pain of Christmas present.  After a while (my drive is 36 miles), I started thinking of how my son had asked me so seriously to not let my life become a life of missing him, being sad over his not being here, and I remembered how I told him that that would be so very difficult as I was going to miss him very, very much (my son died of brain cancer, and we thus were painfully aware of his days with us coming to an end long before they did) and it would be so hard to live again with joy or purpose, although I promised him that I would give it my best.  I felt tonight on the way home as though I was letting him down, and asked him to understand that as his mom it was going to take me a while to move through this pain and hurt of not having him here, and I hoped he would be patient with me.  As I tried to clear my eyes of the tears falling, I looked up ahead of me, and suddenly saw a shooting star, falling right ahead of me.  I knew  it was Mike letting me know he did understand and was being patient with me.   I have driven this road for over 8 years that I have worked at this job, and have never once seen a shooting star on my travels.   I found great comfort in seeing this star falling, and just wanted to share it with you all...you are the only ones in my life who truly understand that this pain can continue indefinitely and can sometimes be just as hard as day one, no matter how long it's been since we lost our sweet child, and you all can understand how profoundly such a thing as this shooting star could affect us. 

Though I wish of course that none us had a reason to be here, I do thank you all so much for being here, always here, to listen, to comfort, to help each other move through each day, and especially on those days when we are slipping backwards. 

I wish you all peaceful moments in this new year, and pray that we will all move forward, even if only a little bit, and maintain some of that momentum, even if only to honor the lives of those we miss so very much.

I am attaching a picture of what greeted me this morning as I opened my door to dig my car out of the snow we had gotten the night before...I hope it brightens your day...

love and peace,

carol  MIKESMOMRS  

 

 

[mikesmum]

Carol - many thanks for the beautiful picture....the sunlight (I think) kissing the snow tops of the trees, a shooting star, these for me are signs of those gone, yet still with us.

Given that I am sitting in Australia with the temp hitting 40 degrees celsius, the pictures of a white Christmas are amazing...Thank you for sharing.....

 

 

[momgran]

Hello Dear Friends:  I’m sitting here at work, neglecting my duties but knowing I have a great need to share with you, the only people I know who understand the trials I’m experiencing on this difficult journey.  Thank God for you all!  I recently plunged into a deep ‘depression’ and have been finding it difficult to function!  I just read about the difference in ‘grief’ and ‘trauma’ and how trauma (and they include, specifically, the loss of a child in this category!) can be so much more complicated than normal grief.  Like you, Claudia and Carol (thank you Carol for that lovely email, I will be responding shortly…it was very well timed!) this holiday season has been sooooo very difficult.  I do believe it’s the fact that we aren’t in the initial stages of shock and disbelief, but we KNOW for a certain fact they are gone now, our precious babies, and we really do have to face the reality of life without them.  The memories are so very vivid and I so want to see them, touch them, talk to them, hear their voices!  I find the sadness overwhelming and can cry at the drop of a hat!  I’ve had some little ‘miracles’ happen over the holdays but I still find it difficult to ‘come to terms’ with all this.  My thoughts have become moribid and fatalistic, which is just so NOT me!  As you said, Carol, I know our children would want us to be happy and would be heartbroken if they thought that we would be destroyed by this loss, but there are just those times when we seem to have little or no control over our emotions.  What is NORMAL….how long must we endure this agony.  I know in the first year that it was essential to take it one minute at a time, one hour, one day and I think that now I’m just simply exhausted from trying to survive!  I love your photo Carol!  It’s just like that here in Toronto as well….so pretty to look at from inside a warm home but bitterly cold to step out into.

Kathy: Your little Tavian is so precious.  One of the many thoughts I’ve had in my grief is ‘what would have happened if Kieran had survived and only my sweet Pippa had died?”  I know that my son and daughter in law would have made wonderful parents for that little man as they were already very close to him.  I can understand that looking into Tavian’s eyes and seeing your daughter could be so very sad at times, but on the other hand it must be wonderful to have a little part of her to carry on with you.  Pippa was a single Mom as well and Kieran truly was a blessing to her and us all. 

Anyway folks, have to get back to work.  I just needed to vent…thanks again for being there.

Love Peace and Patience

Debbie

 

PS:   I'm just really PISSED OFF!!! at the moment....sorry

[momgran]

PPS:   AAAAAAAARRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHH.......

 

needed that.

[k8smum]

carol & debbie: every nite as i'm lying in bed i tell caitie that i love her, i miss her, and that she must be patient with me as i am doing the best i can, even on those moments that the grief brings me to my knees and i just want to be with her and stop pretending i want to be alive...i know the depth of my sorrow worries her, but as i did my best for her always, i trust she will understand and do her best for me even now.

having tavian must be an emotional 2-edged sword. i watched cait mourn her fertility from the chemo by age 16 and then completely at 18 after the radiation for the bone-marrow transplant. yet she still had hope of becoming a mom one day. i played along as she would have been terrific and i was mourning the grandchildren that wouldn't be...

i am rambling, but know i am thinking of you all.

trudi: check your pm's.

annie

[analisa4]

Debbie, I too feel like SCREAMING almost everyday...as it has only been three months and six days since losing my son...The Holidays sucked and we didn't even celebrate. What was there to celebrate? My only son is gone. My heart breaks daily knowing that I'll never see his beautiful face again. I too, like Claudia, want to remember his smell. I have his clothes in zip-lock bags, hoping to preserve what little I have left of him...I also will make a quilt....someday, but now it is too soon and I want nothing more than to have him back...My Nick would have been 22 on the 31st. of December.  We took 22 balloons down to where he had his accident and released them in memory of him. We sang "Happy Birthday" to him and said a prayer for him and for us. I know that I look for signs of him being with me and haven't been able to see any yet, but on the way home that night (we drive an hour to get to the site of his accident) my husband, who was driving, saw a falling star and was pleased to know that our boy was watching over us...I thank God for finding this site and pray that each of us finds some peace today and everyday this year...I hold each of you in my heart, thank you my friends for being here...AnaLisa.....Nicks Mom...

[mikesmum]

[user=16463]momgran[/user] wrote:

PPS:   AAAAAAAARRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHH.......

 

needed that.

Debbie - Actually wanted to respond to the previous post, but this seemed apt.  I have read heaps on Grief/Trauma/loss etc etc....bottom line, none give me any answers to the important questions.......Why my son, why now, when can i expect to hear from him and when will I be able to function again and oh yeah what from my old life can I hold onto now my entire world has been turned upside down and inside out.....

However, there have been some giggle moments at the most inappropriate times, but I did laugh......

One brave community counsellor whose expertise was "Grief and Trauma Counselling" tried to explain what was happening to me by drawing me a big graph on A3 paper.  The big red X was marked "you are here" and leading off in a million directions were the words, tears, depression, overeating, denial....etc....Well, all I could see was You are here, just like you see on tourist maps.....I started to giggle and when she said you can take any of these roads....I lost it.  She understood, inappropriate behaviour is part of the grieving process she said.

Another time, I was in my bewildered lost world......in a supermarket my other half went off to get milk and I was going to get something, can't remember what....all of a sudden I lost it, tears, sobbing the whole thing......a lovely lady stopped and asked what was wrong.....all I could get out was "I lost my son'......she held my hand told me it would be okay, we would find him.....my tears stopped....She was so genuinely concerned about a child lost in the supermarket.....Just then my husband arrived back..he had been trying to ring me to find me......we spoke with this beautiful woman for a few minutes, she was devestated to learn Micheal wasn't lost, but had died.  But I did let her know that she did a lot for me that day......

This journey has no set itinerary...it has no set direction and even if you have travelled it before others and seems familiar, the experience is unique to each and everyone of us.  There are no refunds or promises of answers.  The only things for sure are we have lost our children, our lives have changed forever, tears despair and frustration form part of the new us.......but we are all here travelling together.

I have this affirmation on my fridge... dance as though no one is watching.......

My new take on this........

Cry - if you have the need, it may washaway and ease the pain or just make you tired enough to sleep                        

Scream - if nothing else it will let you and others know you are alive

Laugh - you are allowed, you would have with your child, now laugh with others who remember them too

Live - one step at a time, one day at a time, the way your child would have wanted you too

Remember - memories of times done by, good and bad.  While the child may have died, your relationship remains........

Take care - Trudi

 

[luvumicheal]

hello everyone, have not posted in a while..happy new year....even though theres no happiness in my new year.....on november 2 the day I lost my son...I lost my heart , my soul and my will....As each day goes by it seems to get worse for me..I cant seem to accept the fact that my son is gone ...and the neverending questions in my head from morning till night will not cease.....from the moment I wake up to the moment I try to get sleep its questions and scenarios.....sometimes I think and forget and for a second I say to myself ...I gotta call mike....Then my whole world goes dark and this extreme overwhelming feeling comes over me....hes not here..my mike is not here.....why?  why? why must my 1st thought in the morning be..my son is gone nd the future is without him....once uopn a time .....no longer ....I feel like I'm in a country of grief.....yesterday it made 2 months since this happend...why does it feel like yesterday.....I pray to god..he's suppose to help me through this.....dosent seem to be working...I'm in a downward spiral..and feel lost....hoping my death will come soon so that I can be with my son......

[summergirl]

Hello to all - I am home alone as my husband is at a firehouse meeting and Tavian is with his other grandmother. I have been reading the posts and so much of my own feelings are spoken here. I too have seemed to have fallen into a deep depression and I cannot explain it, I try to find a reason as to why I am feeling the loss of Jessica as though it were today instead of one year, ten months and fifteen days. You are all right, there is no set destination on this road, you just keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking one breath after another and you keep hoping that tomorrow will be better then today.

Yes, having Tavian is an emotional 2-edged sword - I am so blessed to have him, I have said that so many times and yet there are times when all I have to do is look at him and I see my Jessica so vividly and I just lose it and then I have to "suck it up" as I cannot let him see me that way. I allow him to see my tears yet I am careful to explain why I am crying. You see, Tavian does not want me to be sad, he always says don't cry mi-mi, don't be sad and when I ask him why he doesn't want me to cry then he says because it makes him cry! The other nite he told me he missed his mommy and I told him to close his eyes and he would be able to see her in his heart and mind and he closed his eyes and after a moment he said "I can't see her mi-mi" and I just didn't know what to do so I got a picture of the two of them and gave it to him and he said "oh yeah, now I remember". Part of me just wants to scream as he is forgetting things about his mommy and I know that I need to except that, he's only 5 and a half and he hasn't had his mommy for almost 2 years so what else can I expect from him. That is the reason for the treasure box, all of her favorite things, all the things I collect from her resting place that everyone still leave there, notes, pictures, stones with hearts drawn on them, beach glass and so many other things. He will know when he is old enough to understand just how much she was and is loved. He will remember when the time if right. I have her favorite perfume in my bathroom on a shelf, I had bought it for her her last Christmas with us - the other nite Tavian came out of the bathroom after brushing his teeth and my husband asked him why he smelled so good and he said "I smell like mommy" - my heart just jumped with happiness/saddness that he remembered that smell and I actually laughed - hard to believe I know but I did laugh - he was so adorable.

Trudi - I love the words you say about cry, scream, laugh, live and remember - all the things I do or try my best too. Sometimes I can be watching tv and I will come across a movie that Jessica loved and all I can do is picture her sitting on the couch with a bowl of popcorn and then I just want to scream out loud as she isn't really there. I want to scream out loud so people will know how much I hurt, I want to cry because I can, I want to laugh because I have Tavian, I want to live so I can keep Jessica alive and keep Tavian moving forward happily, and I want to remember every minute because I am so afraid everyone else is forgetting.

When I lost Jessica I took 5 weeks off work and I painted my whole house - it seemed as though I couldn't find enough things to do - I was painting, putting in new carpet, buying new things for no reason - I still find myself doing that, I am now crocheting a baby blanket - don't know why - but I guess I will find something to do with it. I have started a new quilt for a friend and I am starting to work on the photo album for Tavian. It's as though if I sit still for even a moment Jessica is there and I am lost once again. God help me to keep traveling this road, to find some peace of mind and to learn to live again.

analisa4 - I feel so heartbroken for you, only three months since you lost your angel Nick - I am so sorry - I don't mean to make anyone feel that there is no hope - I do have good days and I have "moved on" to some extent, I laugh more and I do things with family and friends, I go shopping, I work. We go camping on the beach in the summer, we take Tavian to movies and we play. It never goes away, the pain and sorrow never leave us but we do go on and one day we find ourselves actually participating in life once again - Jessica lived life to the fullest every day and I am not going to let her down by becoming a walking zombie - Tavian needs me and God has blessed me with raising him for Jessica and I am going to keep taking those steps forward and if every now and then I go backwards then I will get back up and keep stuggling forward and I will keep coming to this site and talk and cry and laugh with all of you and I pray that I can ease some pain for someone else as you have all done for me.

Thanks for letting me ramble once again - some nights I cannot sleep if I have not come here to talk - thank you one and all. Prayers and hugs always - Kathy

I am attaching a picture of Jessica and Tavian when he was just one year old. Hope it works!!

[summergirl]

Here is another one of Tavian this Christmas - it was taken when we went into the city for the day. So adorable. Hope this one works to.

[summergirl]

luvumichael - how I feel for you - I know where you are at as I, as so many others, have been  where you are. Please do not lose faith, time will help you heal even if you don't believe it right now. God is with you as we all are. Are you seeing anyone, a therapist, grief counseling? It helps me so much and although we are all different and it might not be the answer for you, you may find it does help. Please don't sit and wait for God to take your life, you are still here for a purpose as the rest of us are and although we aren't always sure why, there is a reason. I have told myself many times that it should have been me not my daughter, we are not supposed to bury our child, we are supposed to go first but as so many of us here know that is not the way it always is, we cannot find the answer to the why although we feel as though we should know why, why my child, why, why, why. Losing a child is the worst thing that can happen to anyone, it tears your world apart and life is never the same but it does continue and as time goes by you will find an inner peace and begin to live again. I have cried so many tears, asked so many questions to which I get no answers, screamed until I cannot talk and yet here I am still. Your son wants you to live as you would want him to live if he were here and you gone. Keep his memory alive and in your heart, heal for yourself and Michael. I am sorry if I am not making you feel any better, I sometimes say all the wrong things when all I really want to do is give someone hope when they feel all is lost. I will pray for you and wish you everything good, that you find some peace. Prayers and Hugs - Kathy 

[mamabets]

For ALL~ I feel every feeling, as well, that you are all feeling...I miss my Danny more than I can even EXPLAIN, right now...

The miracles that he leave me are truly amazing...But, I am just going with the flow , trying not to tumble into a depression!! It's working! The "holidays" are HARD!!!!!!!

I won't- Going to see Jackie and the babies in a week.. She needs me too~ She is helping me so much, and I will help all of you as much as I can. Jackie has said to me "Mom, this is how you carry Danny's legacy on~ By helping all of these people!! Don't ever stop, Mom...PLEASE"

I love you all, and....

 I carry all of you in my heart, forever!!

LOVE

mamabets

[bigmikesmom]

luv you michaels mom,  It is Ok to feel anyway you are feeling. I feel the same way and it has been 1 year and 1 month 11days.It is still there. That same feeling when I wake up ,all day, I have been fortunate that I sleep alot. I mean 12 hours a night.I too want to die and be with Mike. I am coming to realize  that won't happen and it scares the he-- out of me to think I may have to live another 30 years. I am 55 yrs old. Are you taking an anti-depressent? I have been but the counselor said it is not working. I am severly depressed. I think my doctor is going to change it or add new. I have a very strong faith. I believe God is holding me. I guess I want to say, you can feel and do anything you want. Don't rush this grief, take it as it is.It is "your grief" Your son wants you to do whatever YOU need to do. He doesn't expect anything from you and neither does God. I have the HOPE that I will see Mike again. We will never know why? until we get to Heaven and then all of us will be there in line to ask God WHY? i WILL LET YOU GO BEFORE ME.  I am so so sorry. God is with you,and if your mad at Him, that's OK too.He understands because He too lost a son. I hope I didn't say anything to hurt you or make it worse,I just want you to know I care.

BigMikesMom (Patti)

[momgran]

Luvumichael:  I’m amazed at how we all experience such similar emotions related to losing our children.  It is such early days for you and the memories of your precious son, Michael are so very ‘recent’.  You saw and spoke to him such a short while ago.  I have memories of those early days and the confusion and pain is undescribable.  I have to say that after I got over the hurdle of my babies Angel Date in October, I truly did start feeling ‘alive’ again.  I was actually having moments of joy and looking forward to the future.  Then the holidays hit.  I did have some cheerful, fun moments over Christmas, but when I settled in at home, the depression hit on Dec 31, with the realization that 2007 came and went without my sweet Pippa and Kieran.  My fiancé and my friends console me and tell me that this, too, will pass and although I know, from previous experience in the past 14 months that it will, when it is present, the pain and the negative emotions seem almost insurmountable and it takes all my strength to get through it.  Today I do feel a little more at peace.  My emotions this past week have been more centered around the whole business of death and the futility of life.  Fear, anger and deep anquish that we have to ‘walk through the valley of death’.  Please God, one day, I’ll accept this reality and be able to have longer periods of peace.  I so want to remember them with joy and gratitude. I know that missing them will be a way of life for me til the day I die, but I also want to contribute to what is left of my life in a positive way.  We have a responsibility to do that and not allow our grief to rob us of our desire to ‘live’ and contribute, even if it simply means going through the motions.

 

Mamabets”  How I wish I could put my arms around you and give you a big HUG!~~  You’ve been such a gentle, sweet angel to us all.  We sometimes forget that you, too, are suffering so deeply, missing your sweet Danny.

 

Mikesmum:  Thank you for your lovely response.  Isn’t it amazing how we’ve probably always had some control over our emotions in public throughout our lives, but there are times since we lost our children that nothing nor nobody can stop the flow of tears!  I was Christmas shopping and I went to a little table in a store that had items on ‘special’ and a young shop assistant was adding items to the display.  I was drawn to a beautiful alabaster type statue of a lovely Angel girl with delicate wings holding the hand of a little boy, who had a lantern in his hand.  It had a tee light holder at the bottom to light it up. The tears came and I gazed at this ornament when the young shop assistant commented that this must have meant a lot to me.  I told her about Pippa and Kieran and then she asked how old they were.  When I told her their ages, tears came into her eyes and she said ‘my son is 4 years old’.  I could see the amazing empathy in her eyes, her soft heart showed as she told me that there were several of these statues left but only the  Angel with a little girl.  This was the last ‘boy’ one left.  I bought it and put it on my mantelpiece for Christmas and it was stunning!  This young lady had a good heart and I think my sharing with her gave us both a ‘new’ experience. 

 

As you say, we’ve read so much about the grief process but there really are no answers, are there!  Only that whatever we feel is valid and that we have to look after ourselves and not allow anyone to tell us how we ‘should’ feel or behave.

 

I am starting to think about how I can use this tragedy for some good and I was reading about a wonderful, local woman, June Callwood who passed away in April 2007.  She lost her youngest son in a motorcycle accident.  If you ‘google’ her you’ll see what an amazing person she was and all she accomplished before she died.

 

Thank you all so much for your generous sharing, I don’t know what I would do without you.  My thoughts are with you as we wind our way along this road, climbing the hills, losing our way and finding our way back again.

 

Love Peace and Patience

Debbie

 

[mamabets]

For All~ Remember...According to the American Medical Association, losing a child is THE number one stressor...

Be kind and gentle with you, as all of the rest that comes with this is just so awful. Anything and everything that you feel is so normal. Then one day, believe it or not, this really does become our "new normal", and we truly do want to embrace all of the good things that remain in our lives...As Artina said once, we learn to walk side by side with our grief.

Not that we have not always wanted to embrace all that is left. It is just a "process", and there is no order to it. There are 5 definate stages of grief , and I remember thinking 5 stages?? 5 stages that lead to what? Square one??

I am a very optimistic person, and I "tried" to accept this. The only thing that I found myself "accepting" was that there were so many lost PEOPLE that had lost at this life game, for no reason at all. Many who have "lost" don't "love" like so many of us here do, so for them, whatever... Can never, nor is it my job to, figure them out.

The sun always shines, and the rain always brings a rainbow. There will never be that silver lining in the cloud, but when it starts to feel good that our hearts beat, it is a bittersweet, yet remarkable, feeling.

Do I GUT WRENCH still?? Definately...But, at least I KNOW now that it will not stay that way. Danny has shown me a way to "live, MOM, live, until we are together again!! I am right THERE with you"

And, he is!!!!!

LOVE

mamabets

 

[summergirl]

Hello to all - I was just reading the posts, I read mine and then all the ones that came after and I wondered why I bothered to write at all - I should just read these posts as you are all so wise, patient, understanding, comforting and such words of wisdom that I feel as though I am saying nothing to help anyone, not even myself. I am not feeling sorry for myself, I do that enough about Jessica, I just want to help others, not hurt them, not say the wrong things that will make their sorrow that much deeper. Okay, enough of that - I am going to keep posting and saying what I need to say, sometimes I have so many thoughts that I feel they get written all wrong but I well continue to try to keep encouraging all and to help myself in the process. I know that I cannot leave this site, I cannot make it through the days without keeping in contact with all of you. I too wish I could give all of you a big hug as you all deserve it - where would I be without you. Thank you one and all for saving me at times, lifting me up when I feel so low I will never get up, helping me to know that I can feel and say what I want - to live in the moment.

I am at work but needed to just talk for a moment.

Hugs to all and Prayers to God for all of us.  Kathy 

[analisa4]

Kathy, your talking has helped me tremendously, PLEASE don't stop...you do say things that are very helpful and I (we) know you are not being hurtful...you have wisdom to share and I am glad that you are here... The pictures are beautiful...Hug your little Tavian for me...Peace to you my friend. AnaLisa

Mamabets, reading your words brings peace to my day...if only for a moment. Thank you for being so honest and for being here for us...I know that your Danny is proud of you for being strong and living life...I cannot wait until the day that happens for me, until then I will lean on those who are here for comfort and support...Thank you again, my friend. AnaLisa

Debbie, You too stand out to me, for being here daily to encourage and show love and support for those of us who are struggling...I thank you too, you are a strong woman and I appreciate your words of wisdom too...God Keep you, my friend...AnaLisa

To all of us who are struggling to breath today...God Bless us...we will be OK...in time breathing will not be so difficult, it will become eaiser. It has to. I cannot live the rest of my life in such pain. I have to share on thing before I go...My son visited me in my dreams last night and It was beautifu and heartbreaking at the same time...In my dream I was sitting on my bed and out of nowhere Nick appears in my doorway...he asks me "Is it ok that I'm here?" He looked so beuatiful! So sweet and peaceful! All I could say to him is "Yea, of course." I kept thinking "Everyone thinks your gone" and then I woke up...I didn't hug him or tell him I loved him or anything. Just said "yea, of course." WHAT was I thinking??? I am having a tough time with this and wish I knew what it meant. I cannot believe that this happened and cannot stop crying. I wish I would have hugged him, told him "I LOVE YOU, my precious boy, how are you?" It is so painful to think of him and how I will never get to say those things to him ever again...I miss my boy, sorry. I must go for now.

[k8smum]

what were you thinking? you weren't, dear: you were responding to your son as his mom. he probably would have thot something was weird if you had responded any other way...

i am certain he knows you love him. i am glad you had the dream. i rarely dream of cait, and when i do she is always going from one size/age to another in them. i did have one amazing dream that felt like a visitation:

i was standing on a beach, amongst a group of people when all of a sudden cait was running to me (again going from toddler to the 19 yr old she was when she passed and everything in between). when she got to me she threw herself into my arms and said: i've missed you so much, momma!

i could feel her warmth and even smell her. i know it WAS her.

cherish this visit from your son. hang on to the memory of it, the feeling of it when things get bad. try to not be hard on yourself for not saying this or that. as i said above: he knows.

best,

annie

 

[momgran]

Kathy: Oh dear!  How can I tell you how much your words have meant to me since you first posted on B.I> !  You lost your daughter, your friend, your soulmate, like I did and you have a grandson my Kieran’s age!  You have written so warmly and sincerely about your journey that so many of your thoughts and experiences have touched me deeply!  I know that I’ve had days, weeks when I haven’t posted at all but I’ve been reading none the less!  I think we all need to ‘regroup’ at times and aren’t always necessarily ready to share. I think we are all wary to post sometimes,.  I feel at times that if I’m in a peaceful state that my upbeat comments may hurt people who are aching badly, or conversely, if I’m really down I don’t want to bring someone who is finally finding some peace down to my level.  But I think in truth, every word we utter on here resonates with at least one soul who is either where we are at the moment, has been, or anticipates being there at some point.  Your love for your daughter and your grandson is a blessing to us all! 

 

Analisa4: I wonder if your dream represented the fact that you would love to see your son in the doorway, just like any other day…nothing special.  I think you just needed that connection with him….just like any normal day when he lived.  You needed to know that he is here with you.  Others may think he is gone, but in reality he still exists in your life.  I had a very complicated dream about Pippa early on which I won’t relate here but I think it was associated with my late Grandmother and Mother looking after her for me.  But I had one, brief dream during the holidays which I found similar to yours in the way I acted so unemotionally and matter of fact.  I was with a friend in a crowd when I saw Pippa from behind.  I called her name, she turned around and we hugged.  I turned to my friend and said, without a lot of emotion, just as if it was something that made sense to me, “see, she has come back from the dead.  Even though she was cremated, she managed to come back to us’.  Then I awoke and was so very surprised with my lack of emotion in my dream…..I think in the dream I just ‘assumed’ that she was with me.  Nothing astounding, just a simple matter of fact.

 

Anyway folks, here I am going off again.  I’ve needed you all so badly recently and I now want to share with you.  It’s another part of this cycle I think.

 

Love and Sweet Dreams of our Babies

Debbie

[bigmikesmom]

Kathy, I am new to this forum. I have read all your posts and everyones posts. They all have helped me from thinking that I am going crazy. You have posted so many of my same feelings. IN fact, all of you have. A few have sent messages to me which I so appreciate. I don't know what to post. But I just wanted to say Thank You for the posts you have made. I am so sorry for everyone here. It breaks my heart. I loved the sory of the lambs in Jesus's arms. It made me get out of bed today. I take something from each of your posts and try to incorporate it into my life. I started an "angel-catcher book today. I forgot someone gave one to me in those first few weeks,until I read that post. so many helpful ideas. Thank you and Thank all of you.

BigMikesMom-Patti

[mikesmum]

To all - no one who visits or posts does so without giving in some way to others.  Wisdom, experience, thoughts, feelings and being able to 'ramble' might just be something that enables one of us to make that next small step.

Each story with its own individuality brings with it another dimension as to how we move through this part of our lives and remain sane.

Debbie, the tea light statuet sounds beautiful.  Obviously you were meant to be there at that time to find it.....Keiran and Pippa, described beautifully.  We do in many ways 'educate' for want of a better word many who have no experience of loss.

Kathy, please don't ever stop sharing your beautiful Jess and Tavian with us.  His picture with Santa shows a growing boy, still with his mothers looks. 

Patti - what exactly is an Angel Catcher Book?  Love to hear about it.

Some rambling.........

In April last year I was lost and house bound.  I found Beyond Indigo about then.  Reading the posts and finally getting the courage to speak out loud about my thoughts and feelings 'reconnected' me with many who understood and let me be me. I believe it was a turning point that took me from the deepest depths of the abyss.  It gave me a life line if you like to revisit the abyss but never to be alone while I am there.

It was at this time I made my first trip out of the house, other than to my psych. I hadn't been out since Micheals funeral.  There was no point.  My husband took the bewildered one for coffee and a look around the shops.  I guess he was looking for something that resembled his wife.

We happend across a pet shop.  Kittens and puppies filled the windows.  I looked into them and there in the middle of what seemed to be a huge bundle of curls was a little black and white pup. He put his head up and stared directly at me.  Something in me stirred.  Tears fell as this little bundle engaged me with head tilts.  He bounced out of the middle of his litter.  The store owner bought him out and he sat staring at me.  He was from a litter of shitzu/maltese????  I wanted him.  But at the time, I had enormous trouble caring for myself let alone a puppy.

We went home and I cried all night and into the next day.  Muttley (that was name my husband picked) came home that afternoon.

He is an intuitive soul.  He sits at my feet while I pound away on this computer all hours of the day and night.  Walks me when he sees my need.  Sits silently on my lap when my tears fall and lies at my feet when I am lost and find solace in my dark room.

I have attached a picture.  We are at a cafe for pooches on Station Pier in Melbourne. You decide if this is actually a shitzu/maltese.  I prefer to think of him as a 'boarder collie'.

Trudi 

[mikesmum]

annie, thanks for visiting with Micheal. Cait was young and had yet to experience much of what life had on offer, bur I can't help but think of the many people and many ways you and Cait would have impacted on the lives around you through her illness

With many hospital visits and treatments, you would have been  vetrans to those who had just begun their own perilus journey into the world of oncology.

The young boys Micheal cared for had no positive male role models in their young lives.  Fathers unable to cope with their disabilities distanced themselves physically and emotionally, Micheal was able in many ways able to given them that with his guitar, his time spent with them at camp and through his own life experience turn it around to ensure these boys knew they were important.

As always.........energy & light.....

 

[daveydow1]

Hello to all---

I haven't been on BI for awhile. I hope that everyone was able to bear

up during the holidays. They are definitely difficult.

Summergirl,  Your photo of dear Jessica & Kieran is so beautiful. Thanks

for posting it. I'm so very sorry for your loss.  I wish you peace & serenity.

Mamabets,   I agree with everyone here who says your words are so

 comforting to aching hearts. You definitely have a gift with your words.

I know our dear sons are together, along with all the wonderful children

of the parents here at BI.   They're ALL angels.

                                                          Daveysmom,     Sherry           l                   

[mamabets]

For mikesmum and bigmikesmom~ ANGEL CATCHER~ A Journal of Love and Rememberance!!!!! I have attatched a picture! I have one here, I have given them as gifts, they now have an Angel Catcher for kids...Without question, a MUST, in my opinion, for all os us early on, or whenever, for that matter...

Absolutely amazing, painful at times, sure. BUT, I LOVE mine and  I have been journaling ever since.

I just gave the one for kids to Jackie and Julia...Julia is 9, she was 5 when her Uncle passed, and Jackie, at 27, will always be my sweet kid that is surviving, missing her brother so much.

These Angel Catchers are in memory of "Dan" Eldon... Travel to Amazon and read about them...xoxoxox

I am so grateful, Patti, that you have started yours... Maybe everyone will now!

Trudi~ Where is little Mutley's picture?? We have 4, yes 4, doxies!!!! Heidi, Cody, Kiley and Rosie- People ask if we breed them- I say "NOOOOO, silly~ They have just found theur way into our hearts!!"

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For daveydow1~ Always  remember, my dear friend...Your journey gives me my words, your strength gives me my hope, your stories are all mine. Same book, different chapters, identical love...

Always and forever...

LOVE

mamabets

[mikesmum]

I hope this one worked.  If it did you should be seeing Muttley at the cafe......tres posh for pups......

[shuugar]

mamabets,

I tried to send this to your e-mail but don't know if you received it so I'll post it on here because I'm curious if it's you that the person is looking for!!

This was someone that left a comment on my son's memorial  guest book

Virtual Memorials

01-01-2008 12:13 AM -- By: Curtis ,  From: Arizona  Email: sunnysps@yahoo.com

I didn't know James but I can tell he was loved by those that knew him.

If anyone knows the whereabouts of my long lost cousin Betsy Ross of Simi please contact me.

We miss her, Curtis sunnysps@yahoo.com

[mamabets]

For shuugar~ It's not me~ I don't have a cousin named Curtis~...xoxo

In case you ever need to email me, I am at huntross4@aol.com

I hope that you are holding up~ Holidays can be so hard, yet this walk, being unlike any other, is hard any day of any week of each and every year~ If i can help you, feel free to email me anytime!

LOVE

mamabets

[k8smum]

[user=17130]mikesmum[/user] wrote:

I hope this one worked.  If it did you should be seeing Muttley at the cafe......tres posh for pups......

i say border collie, trudi. what a sweet face!

[momgran]

Just tried posting this photo of my 'Angels' but it didn't take.  Hope it doesn't get duplicated.  Will try again.

[momgran]

mikesmum:  Muttley is truly adorable!  Border Collie looks for sure.  My cat Pharaoh and my fiance Mike came into my life shortly after Pippa and Kieran moved to South Africa and I swear they were put in my life to be here for me when my babies were taken from us!  Pippa and Kieran were due to arrive here for a visit on Dec 19, 2006 but died on oct 22 so they never got to meet either Mike or Pharaoh.  They met them on the 'webcam' and Kieran would ask me in our phone conversation 'How's your kitten, Grandma!"  I would never have survived without Mike and Pharaoh in my life and my home.  Thank God for these mercies!

Love Peace and Patience

Debbie

[daveydow1]

Mikesmum,

   Such a beautiful dog. I think that the Border collies are such

great dogs.  Thanks for the pix.  Peace be with you.

                                                       daveysmom,   Sherry

[summergirl]

Hello to all - I have been off for a couple days missing Tavian, he has been at his other grandmothers since Monday and I won't see him again until I pick him up from kindergarden on Monday - it seems like forever since I have seen him and it is only a week!! I am not used to him being away for more then a weekend but I know it is good for him to be with her and his aunts, they are 14 and 17. He always has a good time there yet is always so happy to be home when he gets back. I guess I need to "let go" a little more with him as she will have him for two weeks in June and also in August. She loved Jessica like her own and Tavian also , I know I can trust her to keep him well and safe but I still worry when he is away.

Trudi - Muttley is gorgeous - such a beautiful face and I can relate to how happy an animal can be in our lives  - I have spoken of my Kaylie - she is a black lab and such a comfort to me when I need it, I am never alone as she is always with me. Such unconditional love they give and sometimes much smarter than humans.

Thank you all for saying such wonderful things about my postings - it lifted my heart in more ways then I can tell you. I sometimes feel as though I am going to hurt someones feelings or say the wrong thing and it upsets me but after reading your words I realize that we all say what is in our hearts and no one here would ever intentionally hurt another, we simply say what our minds and hearts feels. I will never stop posting, you will all see Tavian grow into the man his mommy wanted him to be.

It was a nice day today, I went outside and worked in the yard for a few hours, hard to believe I could do that in January. It actually felt good to be outside and I was remembering all the times Jessica and I sat out on the patio and talked and laughed. Tavian would be playing in the yard and we would laugh at the silly things he would do. God how I miss her, my heart will forever be shattered and I don't believe anything can put it back together again - I know I must live my life and go on without her but sometimes it is just so hard and I get so tired. Last nite my husband and I went out and saw a few friends and one of them was planning a weekend with the girls in the city for the year 2009 and asked if I wanted to go - I told her that I cannot see past one day at a time let alone over a year from now. It made me stop and think how "normal" people plan things way in advance, so innocent, so naive, they don't have any idea that anything can happen at any time. I guess after you lose a child all of those things change - you don't find yourself making plans for the future, you live one day at a time. I tried to explain it to my friend and she said "well, you have to live your life" - I gave up trying to explain it. She has a sister-in-law who lost her 7 year old daughter fifteen years ago - she told me that she is having a really hard time and is having trouble with her marriage etc., she said she never got counseling or any therapy - I told her to give me her e-mail or phone number so I can get her onto this site - she sounds like she can use it, I will do my best to get in touch with her.

I must go now as I am tired and although sleep comes hard I can at least rest a little unless my mind wanders as it usually does. I will post a picture of Jessica with Kaylie tomorrow - it is beautiful.

Thank you all and hugs and Prayers to all. Kathy  

[mamabets]

For summergirl~ Bless your heart...You are so right when you say we can't "plan" anything- If I make any travel plans, the deal is..."If I can make it great, if not, I can NOT worry about it"

Your entire BEING gets shifted after something like this. Yes, it is so wonderful to have the little ones around..My grandaughters, while they are Jackie's babies, Danny loved Julia, and we know that he knew baby Caroline before we did. But, having them all does not erase the pain. It is completely HORRIFIC to lose a child.

The best that we can do, is to always remember the true paradise that our angels have "gained..." It is the single most thought that has carried me through this.

The animals are sooooooooo blessed. They don't need to talk, for they speak to us with their eyes and their wags!!

LOVE

mamabets

 

 

 

 

[mamabets]

For mikesmum~ We have 2 border collies next door to us~ They would LOVE to play with your doggie!! What a BEAUTIFUL, sweet MUTTLEY!! Windblown hair and all!!

Magical puppy dog!!

AWWWWWW!!!!!!!

Jess and Max sit and wait for me to bring them goodies EVERY DAY!

Border collies are great~ All of our animals are...I do not know where I would be without our 16 little furry feet that follow me around.

LOVE

mamabets