Loss of an Adult Child

[luvumicheal]

So many questions with no answers...I'm seeing a physiciatrist and a physycologist and its not helping me too much..I was given loxopryl..which made me sick for like 3 days..now they changed to zoloft...which also seems to make me sick to my stomach...and my depression is not going away...the more I dont want to think about this..the more I do.....I luvumicheal and miss you so much...how can I live the rest of my life without my first born son.....how????

[summergirl]

luvumichael - I too am seeing a therapist whom I adore, she does not give out medication - we just talk alot. I did see a doctor who prescribes medicine to depressed people and he gave me lexapro - I took it for 4 days and I became more depressed then I was before he gave it too me - so I stopped taking it and looked at myself in the mirror and said "I don't need that kind of pill to get me through, they might dull my senses from the "pain" I live with but no matter how many pills I take the pain is still going to be there. I am not saying that we don't need to take something to help us through, every one needs something now and again - most of america is probably on some kind of pill for stress or depression or both. I know that when I first lost Jessica I was taking zanax, it is a pill for panic attacks, my doctor prescribed it for me after I lost my brother, he upped it to 1 millegram and I am still on it, I take one in the morning and one at night time, it is the only "help" medicine I take. I know that it calms me down and helps me to relax but it doesn't stop me from crying and hurting - I don't believe there is any pill in the world that can take away the kind of pain we are dealing with. Losing a child is beyond devastating, it is like nightmare that you never actually wake up from, you go to bed, you get up, you function the best way you know how and sometimes you don't function at all. I know that if someone had told me six months ago that I time would lessen the pain I would have called them a liar but the truth is that it does lessen, I am able to do more these days, I smile more, I laugh more and I enjoy certain things more - like working in my garden, quilting, taking pictures and spending time with my husband, Tavian and friends. Do not get me wrong, I have days when I cannot seem to make it through even one moment without breaking down and falling apart but I find that they come less often. I have not "gotten over" losing my Jessica and I never will but I do believe that she looks down upon me and wants me to be as happy as I can be, I know that she would never want me to curl up and hide from the world (as I have often wanted to do) she would want me to show Tavian how wonderful life can be and like his picture says "though his eyes I can see all the miracles of the world". It has taken me a long time to admit to the fact that life does go on no matter how much we hurt and how much we sometimes don't want it too, so I can stand still in this spot or I can move forward a little more each day, one minute at a time and be the a part of this life that I now have. Life will never be the same for me and my husband and Tavian but it can be a good life if we choose to let God lead us each day, have faith and keep posting on this beautiful/painful site. This site has somewhat "set me free" in ways that I cannot ever explain to anyone - I do not know where I would be if I could not read the words that are spoken here, they have enlightened me, inspired me, made me cry and in someways made me whole again, I thank God for all of you. I will pray for you and you do what ever you need to do to get through each moment of every day - hold to your faith and believe in yourself and in Michael, he watches over you.

Tomorror Tavian will be home after seven days away - will be so good to see his little face! Amazing how much I miss him when he is gone, he is the sunshine of my life and my little savior, when he is not here it is such an empty, quiet house! Jessica would be so proud to see how wonderful her son is and how well he is adjusting to his "new" life with mi-mi and pop-pop - I hope she is proud of us as well for doing what we can to make him happy.

Love and Prayers to all - Kathy

This is a picture of my Jessica and Kaylie - so beautiful - I miss her sooooooooo!

 

[mikesmum]

jackie - luvumicheal......Kathy is right, there is no pill that will take away the raw feelings left when you lose your child.   They treat  symptoms of the loss, nothing can heal the wound left behind.....

It has been almost a year since Micheal died.  Therapy is now down to once a month, mainly because I have come to understand that my pain, depression, anxiety and lack of motivation is part of me.  It is a result of my losing my first born son.  As for medications, well Lexapro Zoloft etc SSRI's were offered by my GP.  It was going to take up to 6-8 weeks before any benefit would be noticed.  My psychologist suggested a natural mood lifter called saMe.  Similar effect for depression, anxiety with none of the side effects.  I took it for the better part of this past year.  It didn't cure the pain, but it did keep me safe from the edge.............

While the depression and hopelessness shadow each day, they do so less frequently.  I am able to afford myself the time to indulge ( for want of better word ) these times and I have now found a modicum of strength to push through to the other side.

Kathy your daughter is beautiful, but I am sure you know that.  The pup, well what can I say, once a cat person, I now live with the lifeline known as Muttley....(currently asleep at my feet!)

Blessed be to all those still searching.....

 

[luvumicheal]

I wish my son had left me a grandson or granddaughter ...For some reason my son always said ..mom I saw how hard it was for you with us ...(mike and my 2nd son benny) he would say the only way he would bring a child into this world would only be if he knew the child would be well off and had everything it needed...so he left me nothing but memories....memories that hurt so much right now....just to think of how everything that involves his name is past tense....mike ...how he used to be...that hurts so so much..just thinking as days go by ..each and evryday I count ..61...62...63....I'm still suffering....thats why I feel I'm being punished...but for what.....what did I do?...what have I done....when will this suffering stop....dont know...I honestly dont think it will....I wonder how its gonna be for me on his birthday...7-25-2008...his 26 birthday....how I wont be able to call him...and sing a happy birthday....I will have to go to the cemetery....all I do day by day..is think think think...of how my whole life has changed ...how I will never be the same....I dont feel the same.....all day with this horrible empty gut wrenching feeling... thnking thinking..denial......

[sherrie8168]

luvmichael,

I,too, lost my first born son...November 17th. I am barely functioning. I teach school and it is very hard to do. My mind is just not here. I AM taking Zoloft (with food) in the mornings and it has really helped. At least, I don't walk around crying all the time now. My Bill's birthday is March 9th and he will be 31. I still have a hard time believing he is REALLY gone. REALLY. NOt one minute of my life goes by that I am not thinking about him or his death or a million others things concerning him and his life. NO...none of us will EVER be the same.

I hope you give the Zoloft a chance to work.

Keeping you in my prayers..

Sherrie

Bill's Momma

[4everjoeysmom]

Joey would be 26 this year...  I'm not taking any meds, but I feel those moments where I wish meds could take the edge off the pain.  they might do just that, but a part of me wants to "feel" and not be numbed to it.  It's all I have left...the pain, the missing, the lonliness in that place where Joey lived, and the love that will never die--until we meet again...

I don't know why we have to suffer so with such tremendous loss and grief.  It's a question that I believe wiull never be answered thsi side of life--at least to my staisfaction and complete understanding.  Joey was my firstborn of two.  He taught me everything about motherhood, patience, unconditional love, and so much beyond what I ever imagined.  There isn't a day that goes by, or a monent for that matter, that I don't feel the void of his being gone.  I try hard to be motivated and to carry on, but sometimes the challenge of trying is enough to wear me out.  I do gfeel covered in God's grace, but it does not erase my pain and siffering, my loss, and my heartbreak.  All I have is HOPE in knowing one day I will cross from this life into where Joey now lives.  It's a terrible Catch22 though.  I don't want to leave my secondborn, or others I love here.  I feel so "caught between".  I suspect this is and will remain my new normal... at least until I come to that place of peace and no more tears beyond here...

[isabelle]

I was on Zoloft at the time of my sons death and for a few years before. It was prescribed for anxiety attacks that I would have while driving my car.

I took myself off Zoloft about six months after my son's death because while on the med I couldn't cry and that was painful. My nephew who is a psychiatrist told me that is a common complaint.

Isabelle,

Ray'sMom

[luvumicheal]

I'm gonna try taking zoloft once again...I think I need it...i mean I'll be just fine then I'll get this overwhelming feeling...at times I seem to get a cold rush....and all I do is nod my head..because after this feeling..its why...and depression sets in...i thank everyone so much..its kind of relieving to have so many replies posted to my comments....I too feel the way you do....sometimes asking when am I going to die...Is it going to be soon....there are so many in this site that have lost one child after another (within months) I find that extremely difficult to deal with....so many people and children that die day by day....tsunami's, terrorist attacks, I ever so wonder ...whats gonna happen next...and with this global warming..things dont look to good...right now we're in the beginning of january..it should be bitter cold outside ...I live in new york....and its 62 degrees outside...what does god have in store for us....I wonder .....this is what I do all day...think and wonder....my life has been altered in such a way..that even I dont understand..uh sorry...I'm  rambling......but once again I thank everyone at beyond indigo so much..for the fact that when I feel so alone ....I can look here and find kind words from friends....who truly and really understand the extreme pain I feel at these moments.....

[daveydow1]

Luvmichael,

I so understand your regret that you do not have a child of Michael's

to love. My son, Davey, did not leave a child either. He was single, and did not

want to bring a child into the world  to be at a disadvantage. Sadly,

he never found the right girl to settle down with, which is what he

wanted. Your dear son Michael must have been a very responsible and

loving person to worry and think about this. Davey also worried about

the child that was never to be. I have other grandchildren, and love them

of course, but it would be nice, as you say, to have a child--a part of the

dear sons that we lost.  Peace & comfort to you.

                                                          Daveysmom,  Sherry 

[mamabets]

For All~ I have ben on meds for a long time now~ I have been told, and now I see why, thay an anti-anxiety truly does help with the agonizing "SAD" that comes with this. I am sad plenty, so I was, and will forever be, willing to take medicine for help. That is what they are designed for.

I take a LOW dose of Valium, 2 and a 1/2 mg., as needed. I find that when the waves hit, the medicine is the one that really has helped me not want to die again. I have been seeing the same team of doctors for some time now, and they have such great compassion. While I was walking this walk, the anti-anxiety, LOW DOSE, spread out throughout the day, has really helped to get me want to definately participate in life again, and share the lives that all of my loved ones have tried so hard to do too.

Today, for example, helping my Jackie pick out a shower curtain and towels for Julia and Caroline's bathroom...The "lotus" done curtain found us...BEAUTIFUL in shades of blues and greens. I told her "Honey, the blues will match their laughing sweet eyes, and the lotus has such spiritual meaning..."

Little things that may not seem like much, but it does feel good to live the life that I have left. There IS joy to be made aware of. I get peace from being here with all of you.

The medicines have helped, most definately. I am no hero, and I have absolutely given these doctors, my family, and all of you, credit, for helping me get through this.

My team of angels~

The medicine, the ANTI-ANXIETY, SUPER LOW DOSE, spread out, has been the key to help me to see and feel the good in my life, still. It does remain, in spite of my sadness, which will, of course, always be.

Danny wants me to get whatever help I can.

LOVE

mamabets 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[sherrie8168]

I just wanted to add.....about the Zoloft. I started on half a pill a day for a week to get my body used to it then went to one a day. It has helped me stop the depression that makes you want to stay in the bed and pull a sheet up over your head. I STILL cry. This pain is SO severe and SO intense that I can't imagine anyone NOT being able to cry....EVEN on meds.  WE all respond to meds differently, so your doctor must make the ultimate decision. My Bill was engaged but never married and left no children. Sad. He would have been a most wonderful daddy.  He has been dead for 7 weeks and 3 days. I am taking a half of Xanax as needed and Ambien CR at night. When I try to sleep without it I get panic attacks. Nights are the worst...when the rest of the world is asleep, you can hear the lonesome train whistle, the quiet....and THINK THINK THINK. HOw did this happen, why did this happen, what we said to each other the last time we visited, what we had been through over the years, all the memories of him in our home. Places he sat, ate, worked on RV shed, cooked out in the backyard,etc. WE have his '98 Mustang in the garage. We are giving it to his only sibling, his brother, Ryan. We had to visit his storage unit and I cried like a baby. I felt like I was invading his privacy and that hurt me. Oh the things a momma has to do.

Wishing you all a peaceful heart and spirit. Our angels are watching over us. AND don't we NEED it!!!

Love and prayers,

Sherrie

Bill's Momma

[summergirl]

luvumichael - my heart hurts for you so much, you have so much pain I can almost feel it. My Jessica's birthday is July 21 and the first year without her I went to the cemetery with some of her friends and some family, we had a cake and sang happy birthday to her and then I had a total freak out moment, total breakdown. Jessica loved her birthday - she celebrated the "entire" month of July, not just the 21st - the second birthday we did the same thing and again I had a total breakdown. Nothing will ever stop the hurt, the loss, the sorrow, the whys, the guilt etc., etc., etc. I did not have a good day today, thinking as always about her, some days are harder then others, don't know why. I was reading the posts earlier today and was so saddened to read how some of you wish there was a grandchild left behind for you. I am going to tell you that it is a blessing in so many ways to have Tavian yet when I remember having to tell him that mommy would not be coming home, to try to explain to a 4 year old that went to bed with a mommy and woke up without one was the second hardest thing I have ever done in my life. To have to answer his questions about why and where is she was so heartbreaking. He wanted to know if she was an angel way could she not fly down here to see him. One night as we lay together he wanted mommy to send him kisses he could feel, I totally froze and then I told him to close his eyes, I had a glass of water on the nightstand and I put my fingertips in it and sprinkled it over his little face - he opened his eyes and had the biggest smile and said "mi-mi, do you see it, its right here on my face, mommy sent me kisses" . It took everything in me not to scream out loud because I could not stand the fact that he will never really feel her kisses again. There have been so many times when he asks questions and I am floored not knowing what to say and suddenly these words just come from my mouth and it makes him happy so someone is helping me out.  He goes to therapy every week, he has seperation anxiety, he often asks me if I can be the mommy puppy and he can be the baby puppy, the littlest one. He sometimes cries and tells me that me and pop-pop cannot go to Heaven because then he will be all alone, he still cannot go to bed by himself, I have to lay with him and hold his hand untill he is asleep, I have to rub his tummy sometimes because he says it hurts, sometimes he says his mind is full of stuff that goes around and around and he doesn't like it. So there are many things that I deal with on a daily basis with him to get him over the loss. He has improved alot but will always feel a loss even though he doesn't fully understand it. I would give anything to have Jessica here with him and me take her place but God has a plan and I have to live with that and do the best I can. I know that Tavian needs to "forget" in order to have a "normal" childhood so I do my best to not be happy and loving with him. I talk about Jessica with him only when he asks and I try to keep it happy. The other nite he said he couldn't remember what his mommy looked like so I told him to close his eyes and think of her but he said it didn't woek, so I gave him a picture of the two of them and he said "oh yeah, I remember". How hard it is. He has a piece of Jessica's hair that I keep in a satin bag that says "Angel" on it and he keeps it in his room and sometimes he takes it out and rubs it on his face like he used to when she was here. I love him so much and would change nothing about him being born or having fought a year and a half for custody but it is sometimes so very hard. I do not know what I would do without him. I wonder what my life would be like if he was not here when Jessica left us - I believe he has saved my life as I have his - when he is not here I am sad and scared. I worry about the future and pray that God keeps me here with him at least until he is old enough to be on his own.

I am sorry that I have rambled on - I just wanted you to see the other side of things. I know that if Jessica had not left him behind I would be wishing the same thing you do - to have a grandchild.

I hope that you can find some peace as each day passes. I have often told my therapist that I don't want to move on because it would mean I am forgetting her but I know that is not true - you can never forget or move on - you simply choose to live as our children would want us to.

I too find myself wondering about all the other parents out there losing a child who may never find this site - I wish I could tell the world about it. I look at things so differently now.

Tavian is home so I must go fix dinner.

Peace, Prayers and Hugs to all - Kathy 

[mikesmum]

kathy - so glad to hear Tavian is back home with you. 

Jackie and all - I have been told the fallout from losing a child is similar to a physical injury.  A shattered leg for example that needs time to heal.  In that time the wound is treated with rest, meds for pain and gentle physio to allow the best possible outcome.  It will however never function as normally as it once did.

My psych gave me that analogy when I was for the thousandth time lost, in pain and losing the fight.  He explained that with each day something albeit small would re injure me, as though I had tried to run a marathon on a shattered leg.

Each of us here knows the million things that may see us falling deeper into the abyss.  It may be something major like going through your childs personal belongings or a thought that their lives left so much unsaid or undone.

The meds don't profess to heal or hide the pain of loss.  My understanding is they allow a respite from the neverending questions, flashes, frenzied brain, feeling of hopelessness and overwhelming loss.

Each SSRI (Xanax, Zoloft etc)  needs to be taken for a short period of time to feel any effect.  Each individual responds differently to the meds so it truly is important to keep in touch with you doc and a psych if you can.......

I truly believe none of our children would want us to suffer.  I am sure they are watching over each and everyone knowing that they had such an impact on so many beginning with their mums......

Take care all - numbness hits and I am lost once again........Love you Micheal Shane...

[summergirl]

Trudi - I so agree with you. I have often not wanted to take any type of med to "help" me through but found I could not function without it - it does not take the pain away but lessens it enough for me to think somewhat rationally. Like I said before I tried the Lexapro but found myself more depressed and falling deeper into the black hole then I was before I took it. I stopped it after a few days and then tried it again thinking maybe the holidays and Tavian not being here was causing deeper depression but it still did not work. I have heard good things about Zolof and know some people who are on it so I will talk to my doctor about it. My one worry I told my doctor is that I do not want to take something that will make me feel as though I am not in control - I do not want something to make me sleepy or groggy all the time, just something to help me walk through the day and not have so many thoughts about Jessica and all the reasons why - why - when will this heartache end? I will always think about her, always be somewhat lost, always have a saddness, always wish it were different but I am determined to live.

I had a good nite with Tavian, he took his bath with bubbles and made them into a beard on his face - so cute, I took some pictures and will post one. He was very tired tonight and was asleep before his usual bed time of 8. When I watch him sleep it brings me some peace if that makes sense. So innocent of the horrors of this world.

I was watching the story of the girl who went missing in the hiking trails and how they found her body today. I was so overwhelmed with saddness for her family. I find that any time I hear or see another child lost it is like I relive Jessica's angel date all over again. I feel their agony, sorrow, torment. Having a child dissapear and to have to wait and wonder is beyond my imagination, do we have some lesser pain knowing right away that our child is in Heaven? Do we have a lesser pain to be able to hold our childs hand while they go? I don't know - I only know how my pain was/is at the time and I don't believe that the pain is any less no matter how we lose our child. So many questions go through my mind I wonder why I torture myself with them - I guess part of it is that I feel so much pain for others as well as myself. 

I feel as though I have made alot of progress on this journey and then suddenly I feel as though I am right back to the first days. I have found myself asking questions of others who were here with us those days, things I cannot remember as the shock was so overwhelming. I find they try to avoid my questions but I try to make them understand there is a need for me to know some things. I do remember everything about the knock on the door and them telling me "Jessica won't be coming home" and after that alot of things are just not there. I first looked at the "visitors book" from the funeral home the other night and I was so taken back by the amount of people who signed it, I do not remember half of them being there, but then I hardly remember being there. Why - Why take my daughter, why leave Tavian without a mommy, why did I not know there was something wrong with her, how could I not know she had such a bad heart, why did the doctors not know what was wrong with her? So many questions I have no answers to and will never know yet torment myself with them. I need some peace of mind and pray that as time goes by I will continue on this journey while mending in small ways each day. Without this site I do not know what I would do. Thank you all for letting me ramble, sometimes my fingers just keep writing and the words keep flowing and I thank you for putting up with my thoughts.

Love, Prayers and Hugs to all - Kathy

I love you my Jessica, how I miss your beautiful everything.

[mikesmum]

Kathy, I am looking forward to the invasion of the grandbabies this coming week.  It will be a year on the 18th since Micheal left us.

Emily, eldest granddaughter is celebrating her 9th birthday on the 15th.  While my heart is heavy and the tears fall, it was harder to hear this beautiful baby, her mum and uncle tip toeing around celebrating this milestone cause they didn't want to upset Granma....

If you have been to Micheals site, you will see Uncle Mike making cubbies with Miss Emily at the grand old age of 2.  Until the arrival of his beautiful Harmony, Emily held Uncle Mikes heart in her hand!!  I told them that it would be Micheals greatest wish that Emily celebrate her birthday, as she does each year, outdoors with a picinic...something he enjoyed........:dude:

I am in the middle of reading Elisabeth Kubler-Ross & David Kessler - On Grief and Grieving.  I read most of her other works when I was nursing cancer patients, trying to get a better handle on this 'dying' thing. Kubler-Ross died in 2004, this was her last work.  Since Micheals death, my perspective has altered in many ways.  This work truly reflects much of my past 11 months. 

I wish you well with your trip to the Docs.  Let him know your fears with meds, and the things you found with last....there are so many SSRI's available that may work.

No medication will cure completely the pain of this loss, this open wound that won't heal.....seeing Micheal, hearing his voice, feeling his touch......a bear hug that realigns you back.....now that would cure me of many things....

Take care........hugs to you and the handsome Tavian.

[mamabets]

For All~ For those of us that have been here for quite sometime, we all know Kathy714...Nate's Mom~

Dear Kathy just lost her husband, John, the night before last after a brave, brave, long battle with cancer. Their marriage was one of those "matches made in Heaven", and one that we kind of all could wonder at times.."Gee, how do they do this so right??"

John's birthday is today~ Kathy's email is jjhnb333@aol.com. Perhaps you could send her a card or a note. Her life's journey has helped so many here.

For all of our newcomers, know that Kathy does read here alot...She has just been taking care of John for so long. She keeps up with us all~

I know that John and my sweet Linda's daughter, Christa, who too, passed on November 5th, are with all of our angels. THIS walk gets harder and harder, their wings are full of beautiful sky blue peace...

Linda's email is lmj7252@yahoo.com

Christa is Linda's second child that  has departed from here on Earth. These two women have given me such hope in this world of surviving life's toughest breaks...

I love you all~ KNOW and TRUST that all of our angels are with so many beautiful, sweet, souls...Their memories, along with the pure spirits of them all will live on...

Until we meet them all again, I thank each and everyone of you for helping me help all of you ~

mamabets

xoxoxoxox   

[sherrie8168]

mamabets

Thanks for the "heads-up". I have e-mailed both mommas.

Here's to you, wonderful friend.

Sherrie

Bill's Momma

[mikesmum]

mammabets - continue your work as the angel networks contact here on earth.....have sent to both....

[4everjoeysmom]

Kathy, (Nate's Mom)

I am so very sorry to hear of John's passing.  I am so sorry for how much your heart must be grieving in this moment....    I remember you were one of the very first people to contact me, by personal e-mail, when I arrived at BI a few months after losing Joey.  I will never, ever forget your compassion and kindness, and the love that poured from you to help me.

I am praying for you...

Love, Claudia

[summergirl]

Trudi - I hope the invasion of your grandchildren go well this weekend - grandchildren are the light of our lives - the candles when the lights go out - what joy they bring us. I remember once telling Jessica that I never thought I could love a child as much as I loved Tavian when he was brought into this world - I laughed with her one day and told her i should have skipped having children and went straight to the grandchildren - it was funny at the time and now so heart breaking. I am so depressed lately and do not know what to do with myself - I cannot seem to find a place to go to releive this pain I am feeling. Today I went and cut my hair off short, it has been long for such a long time and I walked into the spa and told Alician I needed something new and she said are you sure and I said go for it - I love it and yet I try to understand why?? I am trying so hard to keep living but I feel as though I am doing all kinds of things to try and take the pain away - I buy things I don't need, I have clothes in my closet with tags on them because they were on a good sale so why not. I have bought dozens of books to read that are mindless - no thougths to them. I bought the book called Eat, Love and Pray and have yet to read it. There is a song that I hear that says - "Like a story that had just begun and then death tore all the pages away, the only thing that gives me hope is knowing I will see you again one day", another one says "I probably wouldn't feel this way, I probably wouldn't hurt so bad, I never pictured every minute without you in it, oh you left so fast, sometimes I see you standing there, sometimes I feel an Angles touch, God give me a moments grace, as if i'd never seen your face, I probably wouldn't feel this way"  Why do I torture myself with these things? The only thing I know is that I am so lost right now. The other nite Tavian told me he loves me so much and I said I love you so much too and he said " I loved you even before mommy went to heaven"!! What am I supposed to say to that - I am at a standstill on this road, I am not moving forward, I have no detours to take, it just stretches out for miles and miles with no end in site. I am not asking you or anyone else on this site for answers I just need the contact to keep me sane, to keep me alive and to keep me knowing that I cannot let go - I need to keep traveling this road, I need to live everyday and be as strong as I can for Tavian and myself - but I do not know how to do it sometimes and today is one of those days!!! OK, I have rambeled on enough for one night and I thank you all for listening to me once again and I thank you for your prayers. I am flying home to see my parents with Tavian, I think in May or June, my dad has never met Tavian and it has been almost 6 years since I have been home - I feel this overwhelming need to see them so I am just going.

Thanks again and as always my prayers and hugs go out to all. Especially to those who have just begun this journey and those who have been here for awhile and have experienced yet another loss - there are no words.

Please help me keep moving forward - send me some strength as I need it badly rigt now.

Jessica my love, I miss you, I love you, I long to hold you in my arms and smell your sweetness - here your words " I love you mom" - love you, love you, love you.

Kathy

[mikesmum]

Kathy - It certainly provides a light that comes from the place of innocents.  I have the boys first. Zak 5 and Caleb 4.  They are my reason for seeing the greatest movies....Alvin and maybe Waterhorse...these are things Uncle Micheal loved to do with Emily the eldest grandbaby.  The family have been walking around Emilys birthday celebrations as though I might plummet into the darkness.  She turns 9 on the 15th, Micheal left us on the 18th.  I spoke with both my son and daughter and let them know the potholes in this road are unpredictable, but to let that take away from Emily's milestones would be so wrong.  So we will play it by ear.  So far so good.

The haircut, now that is scary.  I went to our hairdresser, last time I was with Micheal, he wanted a hair cut and beard trim, to get a trim.  Something to brighten my day.  Well, everyone remembered the last time I was there and one thing lead to another and well its very very very very short.  But I really love it..

The innocent comments from Tavian must be a bittersweet moment for you.  Zak has that same ability.  Without a thought he will take my hand and ask me if I know Uncle Micheal is dead.  When I reply, yes Zak I do, he says its okay, I still love him heaps....(tears tears tears).......

I think when we stop moving forward and don't move back we have a chance to just be.......I no longer look for signs of recovery or regression....I find the sun still comes up regardless of how I am feeling.

I bought 4 books this past 6 months...have gotten half way into Kubler Ross, Grief and Grieving.  It actually entices me with stories of the different phases we experience in grieving.  So far I can identify with all......The clothing, well no I have been a complete failure here with all the sales.....spent $20 on "walking T's".  Might put one on soon and take a walk......maybe...

Take care Kathy, young Tavian has loved you a long time......you are the angel his mum trusted to guide him through his life.....can't explain why, its just how I see it.....

Blessed be - Trudi

[mikesmum]

Kathy - Forgot this earlier......one thing this year has taught me is not to procrastinate.  To see your parents and introduce Tavian to his Great Granddad...brilliant......to have the 4 generations together may just ease the sadness......Trudi

[mamabets]

For summergirl~ Please don't think for a minute that you are torturing yourself- This loss is torturing you, and it will for quite sometime. Then the torture becomes less agonizing, always lurking, however. The torture is overcome, in time, with the joy that Jess brought to you, and therefore still will. They are but a breath away from us, never to be exposed to life and the torture that it can, will, and does bring on.

I wish that I could make this all better for all of us here. The pain is overwhelming, but believe it or not, in time, tools become available in our heads and hearts, and we can put them to use. I feel the torture come on missing Danny, and I can QUICKLY shift in to a "happy memory" mode- ANYTHING to escape the agonizing torture- There is a very fine line between it, and just plain sadness.

Early on, the torture takes over every second of every waking hour.

The sadness is a part of who we are now, and it can be shared with the joy that remains.

I think of my daughter who was so brave to have another baby after losing her brother.They were/are so close, and to risk loving so deeply again was courageous of her.  I get strength from my little grand babies, just like you do with Tavian. Julia is 8 now, and misses her Uncle. Caroline is 10 months, and we all know that she was with Danny before she came to us. THAT is very comforting. Jackie sees Danny in her eyes...

 The little ones carry with them many miracle stories, whether they were here during the loss process, or have arrived since.

I bless you and hope that you love your new short hair- I just had mine cut short  yesterday- EASY !!! A little gel and done!

Now if I can get  to putting on a little makeup during the day, it would help the cause- Always a quick hit of lip gloss, but not a whole lot more!!

Just bought some new mascara, so we will see...I used to put a little makeup on every morning...That changed after Danny passed... I don't know why, it just did...

I could do the face in about 3 minutes, if that- Don't even bother!!

Busy doing other things, I guess... To just be able to catch my breath on a regular basis seems far more important!!

LOLOL!!!!!

The picture below is the "Beyond Indigo" {with a halo, I believe} logo that "appeared" on my sidewalk after Danny departed...It has been here ever since, NEVER leaves!!! It was here before I found Beyond Indigo!!

Rain, snow, sleet or shine~ Always here!!

AMAZING!!

LOVE

mamabets

[summergirl]

Trudi and mamabets - thank you so much for your encouraging words - once again you have brought me comfort in a time that is so rough. Tavian went back to his grandmothers this weekend so they can go to the park, the movies etc. I guess I have been feeling selfish about that - my husband and I always used to take Tavian one night during the week and one night on the weekend, it was such a joy to us and since Jessica was a single mom it was "time out" for her. It was so wonderful spoiling him in every way -stay up late, eat when and what we wanted, buy things he didn't need but wanted - now I feel as though the "other" grandmother is doing all of those things and we are now doing all the "time to do homework", "time for bed", "time for school" - we are having to make all the rules of a "mommy" and it is so hard - I know that we have to be all of the things we were plus all of the things Jessica did as a mother but it is so hard sometimes - I long for the days when we could just "spoil" - so I have though that every other saturday will be "Tavian day" - he gets to pick and choose what we do for the day whether it be a movie, bowling, playing outside, whatever (within reason) - I think it will be fun for all of us and give us a chance at playing mi-mi and pop-pop for the day without the restrictions.

I do like my hair, finding it much easier to take care of and everyone has said it makes me look younger which is a plus I guess although I feel very old some days. I have always had long hair so it is quite a change but in a positive way.

Last evening my best friend Linda's daughter had her sweet 16 birthday party and a bunch of the adults got together to supervise but of couse stayed in the downstairs area - it was held at our local firehouse - we were going through a draw full of pictures that have been taken over the years and came across some of Jessica - wow - it was so beautiful to see them yet tore my heart apart remembering. Everyone was laughing and saying "oh, remember this one from the ski trip we went on" and there I was with Jessica and I knew they meant well but I just wanted to scream at them that I didn't want to see them, I didn't want to do any of that at that moment, I didn't want to hear all the 16 and 17 year olds up stairs dancing and laughing and having such a great time - but I took a deep breath and told myself to hang in there as I would get through it. The youngest of us downstairs, Cherylynn, my nephews wife, was the one who looked at me and knew - she came over to me and hugged me and said I miss her too. Then we talked for a while and she made me feel better. So funny how it is the young ones who have more insight then those my age - like my sister-in-law Jen who is in her 20's as is Cherylynn, they just seem to "get it" so much more.

I have a picture on my computer which is my back ground when I turn the computer on, it has been there since our first time to the Dominican three years ago. I was standing out on our balcony and it was so beautiful so I took the picture. I called my husband up here the other night as I looked at it and was so shocked - he asked me what was wrong and I told him to look at the picture and tell me what he saw and suddenly his eyes teared up as he saw it - in the picture there are a couple of clouds and in one of them is a perfect angel wing with a halo just above it. I know in my heart and soul it is a sign from Jessica as the picture was there before she left us and it has never looked like that. I am going to see if I have the picture in my folder and post it and you can see it. So amazing, I cried and laughed at the same time.

Jessica's angel date is coming up fast and I am so dreading it - I can't seem to comprehend that it will be two years - two years since I heard her voice, saw her smile and all of the other hundreds of things I want so badly to have again. I will be strong for I know that she is counting on me to take the best care of Tavian and I will not let her or myself down. I just hate traveling this road but am so thankful for friends such as you who pick me up so many times when I feel the floor giving away beneath me.

Hugs and Prayers to all and thanks again for all your support and love. Kathy

[summergirl]

I have found the picture I was talking about and will see if it will post, hope so. It is so beautiful - hope you see what I see. Kathy

[summergirl]

It worked!! Do you see the angel wing and halo or am I just seeing what I want to see - I don't think so!! love you so much Jessica my beautiful daughter - spread those beautiful wings and soar among the Heavens and watch over us - we love you - mom

[mikesmum]

Kathy - WOW.  No you are not just seeing what you want....the streaming light of angel wings, the perfect halo, they are all there...........

Micheals 'angel day' is 18th Jan.  Feel unreal at the moment.  Walls of fatigue peppered with feelings of floating, no focus, no concentration,not  grounded. 

My other half has been head hunted for a new job.  Going from Intensive Care Paramedic to a CEO position with a Rural service.  Means moving house, downsizing cars, relocating to a country town another hour from my family.  I haven't worked for nearly a year so I can pick up without  worrying.  It truly is a time of flux. 

I know it may sound harsh, but the days Tavian is with his other Grandma, could be couple or self days.  Being Tavians primary 'grandma' is great but remember to take care of you and your husband.  Thinking of you and your beautiful Jessica coming into your 2nd angel day.

Blessed be - Trudi

 

[summergirl]

Trudi - thank you, I knew I was seeing the halo, the wing and the streams of light I just needed you to confirm it - so beautiful.

My heart is with you as you come up on the 18th, one month before my Jessica of Feb 18. I know what you mean, no concentration, feeling disconnected to all around. I have days that I go to work and when I get home I wonder if I actually accomplished anything at all as I do not remember much of the day - sort of like floating above everything. It is such a tremendous loss that we all share and I do not honestly know how we keep doing it like we do every day - by the Grace of God - we are blessed in many ways and yet there are days I do not want to count my blessings, I just want Jessica to come home and life to be as it was before she left us. I am completely in denial of the "two year" coming up and am doing all I can to avoid the issue outside of this site, some of Jessica's friends want to do a candle lite memorial and I am not sure how I feel about it so I will give it a thought when I can.

I hope the move for you and your husband is a good one - sounds like a lot of work but then isn't everything some days. I am sad that you will be that much further from your family but we all need to do what we must. Someone asked me if when we retire we will go somewhere else and I always say no - this is where Jessica was raised and I am thankful to be able to raise Tavian in the same home. It is a long time before retirement for us so I honestly do not think about it. There have been times my parents have asked if we will move closer to them but I cannot leave my Jessica, I need to go to the cemetery and I will never move away from her.

You are right about "me time" while Tavian is away, although I miss him so much I have found myself actually enjoying some quiet time, time to watch an old movie or clean out a closet or just sit quietly in the chair and do mindless things. I know that he also needs to be away from us and with other family members and she is so good with him I have no worries in that way - it is my own paranoia that makes me crazy. He always tells me he has fun and I am thankful for that as it has taken a long time for him to be away from us without crying for us. I am trying hard to do what I must, as we all are, just sometimes the saddness and sorrow take hold of your heart and put you in a place you do not want to be but cannot find your way out of.

I am starting at the gym tomorrow after work - I have really missed it and have not been since Jessica left us and I was remembering how good it felt to do a good workout so I am going to give it a try - it is good therapy and a great way to work out fustration. Also, need to get a little healthier.

God be with you and I pray for you as I do for everyone here.

Big hugs I send and hopefully some comfort along with it. Kathy

 

[momgran]

To all: :  About having a haircut and wearing makeup.  I haven’t cut my hair since about a month before I lost my precious Pippa and Kieran.  It was shoulder length at that time and is now halfway down my back!  I was at a baby shower today with lots of family (very difficult seeing all those baby things and the babies in the family but comforting at the same time to be around them all) and my niece complimented me on the way I’d styled it and commented on the length.  I told her that the ends of my hair were there when Pippa and Kieran were still alive and it’s somehow symbolic of that time in my life when things were good and the way they were supposed to be.  I suppose I may get around to cutting it when I start feeling that I am ready to let some things go.

 

Kathy, from reading your posts I can see that as you approach your sweet Jessica’s second Angel Date, you are starting to ‘move on’ a little and making an attempt to live, having your hair styled and going back to the gym.  These are positive signs.  I know that awful feeling that you don’t want to move on because somehow it feels like your leaving your darling girl behind, I know I feel that sometimes, but when I am having the rare rational moment, I realize nothing in this world can make me leave them behind!  I just want to start living again and let go of the torturous pain at some point!  I’ve recovered from my New Year’s bout of deep depression and am starting back at my baby steps.  This pain and I are truly becoming the most intimate of friends!  I realise, in this second year without them, that it's all about changing my perception of my life, realising they are gone and will never be here in the flesh again and somehow finding some incentive to carry on without them.  I'm getting flashbacks to those awful early days and reality does bite hard at times.  But I soldier on, as we all do, with hope for better days.

 

The photo is very beautiful! 

 

Love Peace and Patience to us all!

Debbie

[luvumicheal]

Hello Everyone....Today was sort of a good day....they finally put up my sons headstone....I visited the cemetary today for the first time since november.visited my mom..and asked her...where was this coming from...how could  this happen...why would god let my son do this...and have my moms son find him.....I still feel so sad and out of place...I still think of my son throughout the whole day..I miss him..and I hurt....dont know if by coincidence..but as I'm entering the cemetary ...I bump into my other son....who is entering just as I am..We were so relieved to see the headstone..which reads...Rest In Peace Micheal.A.Diaz...loving Son, Brother, cousin and Nephew....I miss U mike....I miss u soooo much....My son told me he had ANOTHER weird dream...this caught my attention because I havent dreamt with my son for a while....As my son started to explain the dream..his eyes watered...he said that it was so real....he dreamt that he was sleeping..with the covers over his head..(as he always sleeps, with the covers over his head...) and he felt a coldness....mike(my boy) seemed to be hovering over him....and no matter how hard my son(benny) tried he could not get the covers from over his head..to see micheal....he said micheal was crying..and apologizing for what he did....saying I am sooo sorry for what I did....repeating the same thing over and over....now I hurt more...what was he trying to say...he was crying....was it a mistake???? Is he trying to tell us something....all I can do is cry..cry ....when am I going to feel better...or rather how long is it going to be  before I die....nothing is the same anymore..nothing really matters....

[summergirl]

luvumichael - I feel your pain, everything is so raw for you right now. When I finished reading the posting of your son Benny's dream I thought that maybe Michael is trying to say he is sorry as he feels that he is the one who has caused this overwhelming sorrow, saddness and pain that you now live with - I believe he is an Angel and he is with all of our Angel's and they some how find a way to get through to us, never to hurt us or make our pain worse but to somehow find a way to let us know they are ok, in fact they now live in a place where pain is no more. However they see our pain and I know that in some way they suffer for us, not for themselves. We can look at these things in so many different ways but I choose to see them in a positive way, I believe Michael is trying to help you, not hurt you.  Saying he is sorry could be a blessing for you if you choose to believe or can believe that he is trying to tell you he wants your pain to be eased.

It has taken me a long time to be able to "live again" although my life will never be as rich as it was with Jessica here and never will the pain go away completely, it is not possible to lose a child and ever be the same person. But, we can live. 

I pray that you can find some peace in your life, but it does take "time" although we all hate that word so much, You have only traveled this road for a short time and as I remember I would never have thought when I first lost Jessica that I would ever be here almost two years later, still living and breathing and getting through the days - oh, I still have times (quite often) when I do not want to be here, I want to trade places with her, I want to hide from this world, I want to not leave my "safe zone" which is my house, but I am doing it and will continue to do it as Jessica would not want it any other way.

Give yourself time to heal and as our friend Trudi says -

Cry - if you have the need, it may wash away and ease the pain or just make you tired enough to sleep -

Scream - if nothing else, it will let you and others know you are alive -

Laugh - you are allowed, you would have with your child, now laugh with others who remember them to -

Live - one step at a time, one day at a time, the way your child would have wanted you to -

Remember - memories of times gone by, good and bad -

while the child may have died - your relationship remains.

I hope that I have not offended you in any way and I pray for you and send you my biggest hug - I suffer so for all of us and only wish to help ease your pain somewhat as others have for me. Peace be with you - Kathy 

[lorismom]

Hello Everyone ~ I found this lovely poem on another website and I thought I would share it here in the hopes that it might bring just a little bit of comfort to so many new people now traveling this long journey with us........

You think I've gone, that I am dead, and life has lost its will,

But look around, I am right here, living with you still,

I watch your tears, I feel your pain, I see the things you do,

I weep as well, each time you cry, my soul it lives with you.

It gives me such joy to hear you laugh, and do the things you do,

And when you smile over bygone days, I smile right there with you,

For we are still one, just you and me, one mind, one soul, one being,

Walking forward into life, though you are only seen,

And in the stillness of the night, when the pain really starts,

Stretch out a little with your mind, and draw me to your heart,

I am always right here, always by your side,

For you have all my life's days, my joy, my love, my pride.....

[summergirl]

momgran - still not so sure about the haircut - everyone tells me I look younger but I still have mixed feelings about it, Jessica always told me to try a new look once in a while and I always seemed to be happy with the way things were and now all has changed so much - Tonight I had to rub Tavian's tummy and sing him songs to get him to sleep - took him about five minutes to fall out and I am sure it had something to do with my "singing". Sometimes he needs that contact with me, holding his hand or rubbing his tummy, I think it gives him some sort of "mommy contact", not sure. I love to watch him sleep, so innocent and pure, what a beautiful site. Wish I had the luxury of sleep come that easy to me and sleeping through the night would be something new to me. So many thoughts at night time, more so than the day as I work and keep busy and then evenings with Tavian, eating, bath, reading and bedtime, then my night time thoughts take over and I wonder somehow if it will ever change. I too have become intimate friends with pain and I walk the baby steps every day, some times I feel as though I have taken a giant step and then it is back to the baby ones again.

Coming up to the Angel date is something I am trying not to think about as I do not seem to have the energy to face it. So many things in February, my sister, my brother-in-law, mother-in-law and Tavian's birthdays and then Jessica and my little brother Billy Angel dates - how do you celebrate birthdays and mourn the loss of loved ones at the same time - no answer's to that one.

I was reading some of the postings from 2005 and I wonder where those people are today - do they no longer need BI? Have they moved on and are better? Right now I cannot imagine ever not being here and posting - even if I get "better" I will always post and try to help "new members" as I have been so blessed to have found this site - God does work in mysterious ways and having this site is one of them. A place for lost, sad, heartbroken people to find some solace, sympathy, understanding and love. During the days of "I cannot do this anymore" this site has given me strength I did not know I had - I am so thankful.

Thabk you, the picture truely is a wonderful thing.

Love, Hugs and Prayers to all - Kathy 

[summergirl]

lorismom - what a beautiful poem - thank you so much for sharing it with us. Each time a poem is posted I write it in my journal so I will be sure of never losing them. They give us strength and ease the pain to a degree so again thank you.

Prayers and Hugs to all - Kathy

[namarella]

Eric’s “angel date” was yesterday, 1/14/06, and it was harder than I thought it was going to be.  Last year, on the first anniversary, we had friends and family over for a remembrance day, to celebrate Eric’s life, we did a balloon release and shared memories of him.  This year, my husband and I planted some blooming primroses on either side of his headstone, and placed a wreath I’d made from herbs in the garden on his grave.  Then we spent the day at the beach, one of Eric’s favorite places to go, and took a long walk picking up stones, bits of driftwood to take out to Eric later. We lit candles and put on music when we got home, both feeling the heaviness of this day, the memories from two years ago rushing back all too vividly.   We had one phonecall from a friend (who happened to be with us when we got the news about Eric), and two e-mails from family, expressing sorrow for our loss.  Today several people have commented that they left us alone yesterday because they knew it’d be a hard day.  I don’t know what would have made it easier to get through that angel date; how do you remember the worst day of your life?  At this point, it’s just a day to get through...today, the sun is shining.   

The night before Eric’s angel date, I asked him to send me a dream.  That night, I dreamt that Eric was sharing e-mails with me from our daughter (who has moved overseas and who won’t mention her brother to us).  He was very calm in the dream, as he was in life, and the message I got from it was that he’s working on our daughter to open up communications, so our family will be whole again (even while not physically together).   What I pray for in this new year, though we’ve lost so much, is wholeness and healing for us all.  Colleen

 

[summergirl]

Colleen - my heart is heavy with your loss as well as all others here. Having to "survive" an Angel Date is very diffacult - my Jessica's is February 18 and I too am feeling the heaviness in my heart. I think it is a beautiful thing that you and your husband did, spending the day together, planting, walking, collecting items for your son, just being with each other. We too were surrounded by people the first Angel date and this year I believe it will be just us - always unsure of what family and friends will do, sometimes they are there and sometimes not - I think most of them are just unsure of what to do or say. That is one more burden we must carry with us on this jouney, how all others go on about their lives every day as if all is the same and although I know it is for them, it is so diffacult not to get angry that they have such happiness when we feel such pain. So many little and big things to deal with on a daily basis.

I wish you peace and Prayers to you, one and all - Kathy

[momgran]

Colleen.  My heart is with you as you expericne the second Angel date after losing your dear Eric.   I've discovered that this second year can be, in some ways, more difficult than the first.  I am coming to know that it will never be 'easy'.  We will always feel the pain of losing those precious people that we once carried in our wombs and nurtured every day of their lives.  Your tributes sound so lovely and I know that your everlasting love for him will one day bring you peace.  I pray that we all have our moments of peace and joy and feel ever closer to our babies who left us far too soon.

Love

Debbie

[momgran]

PS: Colleen:  I hope that your daughter will allow herself to face her pain and open up to you  in a sharing 'frenzy' one day!  How healing it will be for you both.

[4everjoeysmom]

Colleen,  I've been running around like a nut the past five days, but I wanted to send a quick post to let you know that I am thinking of you...  I too am praying for your family's healing and unity--including the joyous memories and sharing of eric's life and what he still and will always mean to each of you.  HUGS, Claudia

[mikesmum]

Hi Mike.  Today is what they call your Angel Day.  For me its the day the light and energy I knew to be my son left my life.  It has been 1 year, a measure of time that in the scheme of things feels like a heart beat, a blink.  The whys, the whatifs, the darkness itself have begun to find their place.  The ache in my heart and soul remains constant.

Tears & fatigue like breathing are a permanent yet  involuntary part of me now.    You no longer struggle with pain and the bonds of the human condition, something I hoped  you might find here with us, but that was never to be.

Thank you my son for allowing me to be in your life.  While not always in agreement and sometimes distanced with our pride one thing remains true.  I am your mum, then, now and always and you my brown eyed boy are my son.  The love never dies.

I love you Micheal Shane, my son my son.......... 

[misshimstill]

Colleen,

I don't usually post here, but I was just skipping around reading what people write.  I've seen your name often, so stopped to read. 

My eyes fill with tears as I read your note to your son.  I don't know how old he was when he died, but he looks to be about the age my husband was when he died.  Your feelings for him, although you were his mom and not his wife, sound just like the thoughts and feelings I have for my husband.  I guess the relationship two people have isn't what matters - just that one has been taken and the other left behind, and the one left behind is brokenhearted.

I pray, along with the others, for healing in your family.  I know you're all hurting.

Peace and comfort,  ~Oneta

[summergirl]

Trudi - What a beautiful letter to your brown-eyed son Micheal. My heart aches for you having to go through the "Angel Date" of one year. It seems like yesterday for me and it will be 2 years next month.

You have such incredible strength, courage and wisdom, the way you put your words to paper amazes me each time I read one of your posts - you have a way of saying what I want to say yet cannot possibly express it the way you do. It feels at times that you are reading my thoughts and writing them for me - I thank you so much.

Today something happened that I cannot explain and wanted to share it but will wait for another time.

Trudi, I think of you often and wonder if there would ever be a time when we would ever meet - would there ever come a time when we could actually have a BI meet somewhere in this world, where all who post here and travel this road could come together and meet face to face? Or are we better for each other by not meeting except for this site? Perhaps it is in God's hands and we shall never meet until we are all called home and find each other in Heaven and we will not only meet each other but our lost loved ones also. Believe, Believe, Believe.

Our Angels are happy and pain free now and although we live constantly with a hurt and sorrow so intense that it can destroy us if we allow it to, we somehow manage to live on, not to drown ourselves in our tears but to try and gain a little more strength each day.

Many Hugs and Prayers go out to you today and always. Kathy

 

[mikesmum]

Kathy - Thanks for your kindness on this Micheals Angel Day.  It is surreal to think in actual time it has been a year, yet here I sit as though I am only a blink away from the events the took him.

I too wondered about the wisdom in coming together face to face.  Here is a place where backgrounds, beliefs, and status are irrelevant, just like time.  We are able to bare ourselves more so than normal given the one thing that has bought us together.  At times I think it would be helpful to talk, meet and share on a more personal note, then more recently I have felt that it might be something that detracts from the support I have felt over the past year.

Regardless, please continue to share your Jess and Tavian with us.  The poems and writings from her and the pictures of the growing Tavian are the things that help me through an otherwise lost time......Take Care

PS I sent you a PM.

 

 

[mikesmomrs]

Hello everyone:  just checking in and letting you all know that I am reading your posts and keeping you all in my prayers each day.  My husband and I continue to move through these many huge changes in our lives:  my date for retirement has been set for February 1st; our new home is in the middle of the updates being done, with the floors going in this week.   An open house is scheduled for Jan 27th in our current home...a true worry for my hubby and I that we have not sold this house yet, but I try to keep the faith that things will move when they are supposed to.  We still sort through and try to downsize, but this is a journey that is definitely filled with the extremes of sadness and joy, as we uncover things we haven't thought of in a long time...pictures, mementos, treasures.  How do you downsize a lifetime? 

We have felt Mike's blessing on this new house, as we experience the signs from him showing his approval...coming out of the house on the day we closed on the mortgage, we found a penny on the ground, by the car door.  When my husband picked it up, we joked that it wasn't Mike's birth year, but we still knew it was from him.  Later that same day, as if to say "Okay, mom, here is the one you wanted," I found another penny beneath my feet in my car, with, yes, his birth date on it--1975.  The next time we were out there, we went to the house of a neighbor who had plowed our driveway for us, to thank him, and found another penny in his driveway and yes, it was, again, 1975.   Checking on some of the progress of the work being done in the house this past weekend, as we came out of the house, right in front of us, was a perfectly formed heart, about 2 feet across, formed from the melting snow that was piled up in the front of our yard and leaning against the snow bank, all by itself. 

For those of you approaching angel dates or birthdays or have recently experienced them, I do hope that your precious one sent/sends lots of love and peace to warm your heart and help you get through that day.  Our sweet children are with us always, giving us strength and sending us love.  As Betsy has often said, I do believe they are all together, and have "arranged" for all of us to be here, giving each other strength and a safe place to come to where we know that we will be understood, and have comfort in knowing that we can talk about our precious children without fear of judgement or reprisal.   Just tonight I mentioned to my husband that there are times still when I feel as though it all just happened, and the date of Oct 14, 2006 when last we spoke with our son, was just yesterday.   

People who have never traveled this road do not understand, and never will, that we must continue to keep the memory of our loved one alive, that we must carry their love with us on a daily basis...and coming to this site and sharing with each other is such a blessing for each of us. 

We were fortunate enough to spend the evening this past weekend with Mike's youngest, Damon, who recently turned 3.  We took him for pizza, and since he had just woken up from a nap when we got to his house, he was still a little sleepy at the restaurant.  While we were waiting for our pizza, we were playing with some stick figures with him, when a song came over the sound system, and he suddenly sits right up with a big smile and bright eyes, throws his hands up in the air and says "Hey, that's David Bowie.  I love David Bowie," and starts moving in his chair to the beat of the song...such a precious little copy of his daddy, who loved music, and was always keeping time...The blessings of these sweet moments in time are so treasured...

Please know that you are all in my thoughts each day, and I know that we all gain strength from each other through this connection we share on this site, and I truly believe that our sweet angels have "arranged" for us all to find each other here. 

love and peace to all

carol  mikesmomrs

[mikesmomrs]

Trudi:  I forgot that I wanted to tell you that I also was moved to tears on reading your letter to your precioius Mike...I wonder sometimes how many times our hearts can break and still we breath and function each day...

And Kathy, I love reading of your words of your Tavian, a wonderful blessing for you.  I can understand your feelings of missing being a grandma, having to step in as "mommy" and I applaud your plan to spend a "Tavian day" where you get to return to the role you treasured so, absent of the "rules and musts" of being a parent.  I know that Tavian will treasure these days in the years ahead.  Bless you. 

love and peace,

carol  mikesmomrs

[mikesmum]

Carol - I find myself 'speaking' with Micheal more and more here and on his Memorial.  In many ways it helps.  I know what you mean about the irrelevance of time on this journey.  For me it truly is a blink of an eye.....I guess in many ways I am still stuck in that time....when Micheal died.  Today after days of heat it rained.  It rained on this day last year....it rained for 10 days.......Steven (Micheals brother( says its Micheal letting us know how sad he was leaving us......

But something happend this past week that has eased  this year long misery.  I had a dream. A place of bright, brilliant white light. So bright I couldn't open my eyes properly.  As I squinted to see where I was, I thought I saw Mike.  He was just sitting there.  Someone said 'make sure its Mike. Check for the bump on his nose'. It was a bump he got playing basketball, fractured nose, 11yrs old.  There it was.  He looked at me and smiled.   I woke for the first time with a peaceful warmth not dread.  My interpretation - Micheal letting me know enough is enough.........

I love that Mike sent you 'pennies from heaven'.  1975 seems to be the year of Micheal's!  I love the picture too.  Granbabies intuitively know how to restart the heart!  Hope the house sells soon.......we look like entering into the same experience you have......change of employment for my other half........change of location.......distractions distractions distractions........

Thinking of all those who met me on my first stumble onto this site back in April 07.  Thank you all for unconditionally opening your collective arms and holding tight when all else was too hard in this my year of firsts.

Blessed be.....

This photo is of my children with their children and my mum.  Mike was the first born grandchild......mum dad and mike now together...

 http://virtual-memorials.com/main.php?action=view&mem_id=10554&page_no=1

[shuugar]

namarella and mikesmum

God Bless you both along with your families.

I know too well the sadness you felt .

[momgran]

Mikesmum:  You describe your son with the deepest love and sincerity.  I hope that moving into your second year without your precious Mike brings more moments of peace and the memories sweeten. My heart aches for you and all of us here.

We have a new employee at work and a collegue told me yesterday that she lost her only son, 28 years old, 10 years ago to brain cancer.  He asked that I not mention it to her until she's ready to tell me herself.  I really want to share with her so I think when the moment is right I will tell her about Pippa and Kieran and hope this gives her an opening to share.

Love Peace and Patience

Debbie

[mamabets]

For mikesmum~ What a beautiful letter to you dear, sweet, beautiful Mike...I noticed the "shine" in his hair in the picture here...SHINE, SHINE, SHINE...It's funny the things that "POP" out at us at different times....

His love shines on, this we know. Our walk is so very tough, trying to find a balance between the tortured heart and the one filled with so many awesome memories~ Happier days...

Much love to you, and just keep coming here to us, for we all know each other's each and every breath.

LOVE

mamabets 

 

 

[mamabets]

For mikesmomrs~ My goodness, imagine Damon saying that about David Bowie?? Hard to believe!!

He is getting so big, carol~ So big, yet so very tiny, tiny to have to had suffered a loss such as this one. I get comfort, and it makes me smile, knowing that you love making cakes with him!

LOVE

mamabets