Loss of an Adult Child

[summergirl]

Hello to all - quite a busy weekend with Tavian having his best friend Damien sleep over on Friday night - they were both in an odd mood and could not seem to get along about anything - they argued and picked at each other until I thought I would pull my hair out - nothing I could do to get them to stop arguing!! On Saturday I put them in the car and took them to McDonalds for lunch, then to buy a couple new shirts and then to the video game store where they each got a new game - they were absolutely wonderful all day on Saturday so I guess Friday night was just a bad mood night. Sorry to say I did not get any pictures of them as it took all of my energy to just deal with them - not being as young as I would like to think I am!!

I have been thinking alot about Jessica lately which is nothing new but I seem to be thinking of her in a different way - I know that I am beginning to come to terms with the fact that I am to live without her for the rest of my days here and that I have to live my life, however, I am so torn, a part of me is looking forward to a function that we will be attending next Saturday night and the other part of me is saying how can I look forward to anything without Jessica. It will be nice to get out of the house and talk to other adults and have some fun but the fun part makes me feel guilt and I know that it is irrational and not what Jessica would want me to feel but I feel them just the same. I wonder at times if I am going insane - one part of me is "ready" to live life and the other part of me wants to stay hidden in my safe zones, where I can keep Jessica alive and with me. If I venture to far from home it is as though I lose a part of her all over again, I start to panick that I will go one day without thinking of her, if I don't cry for one day I wonder what is wrong with me, if I go visit her at the cemetery and don't stay because it is so hard I feel guilt, if I laugh and play with Tavian it is such joy yet I feel the pain of mommy not being the one doing it!!! So crazy or not crazy?? That is the question. Crazy with grief and crazy for wanting to live.

Trudi - I am so happy for you that you are venturing out in to the world again and searching out a new job - I am always amazed at you - you are such an inspiration to me. You have the ability to say and think all of the things I feel and think yet it is as though I have not moved in the direction I need to go - I want to be able to, as I have said before,  stop remembering the LOSS and start remembering the wonderful, beautiful 26 years I had with Jessica and I do feel as though I am beginning to do that and then I wake up one day and I feel as though I have traveled backwards down this road and need to start all over again. AAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! I miss Jessica so much!! I need to be alive, I need to be strong for Tavian, I NEED.

Well I got that out of my system and hope I have made some sense in my posting. I thank all of you again for listening and understanding - I once again seem to have all the thoughts yet no way to put them into words.

I will post pictures this week as I have some new ones I have yet to put on.

JESSICA, JESSICA, JESSICA

MICHAEL, MICHEAL, MICHAEL

Next time I will say all of the names I have come to know on this site.

Hugs and Peace to all and may we all bring a little brightness to all of those out there reading. May we continue to help guide each other on this long road as I plan on being here for a very long time.  Love - Kathy

[summergirl]

Hello to all - quite a busy weekend with Tavian having his best friend Damien sleep over on Friday night - they were both in an odd mood and could not seem to get along about anything - they argued and picked at each other until I thought I would pull my hair out - nothing I could do to get them to stop arguing!! On Saturday I put them in the car and took them to McDonalds for lunch, then to buy a couple new shirts and then to the video game store where they each got a new game - they were absolutely wonderful all day on Saturday so I guess Friday night was just a bad mood night. Sorry to say I did not get any pictures of them as it took all of my energy to just deal with them - not being as young as I would like to think I am!!

I have been thinking alot about Jessica lately which is nothing new but I seem to be thinking of her in a different way - I know that I am beginning to come to terms with the fact that I am to live without her for the rest of my days here and that I have to live my life, however, I am so torn, a part of me is looking forward to a function that we will be attending next Saturday night and the other part of me is saying how can I look forward to anything without Jessica. It will be nice to get out of the house and talk to other adults and have some fun but the fun part makes me feel guilt and I know that it is irrational and not what Jessica would want me to feel but I feel them just the same. I wonder at times if I am going insane - one part of me is "ready" to live life and the other part of me wants to stay hidden in my safe zones, where I can keep Jessica alive and with me. If I venture to far from home it is as though I lose a part of her all over again, I start to panick that I will go one day without thinking of her, if I don't cry for one day I wonder what is wrong with me, if I go visit her at the cemetery and don't stay because it is so hard I feel guilt, if I laugh and play with Tavian it is such joy yet I feel the pain of mommy not being the one doing it!!! So crazy or not crazy?? That is the question. Crazy with grief and crazy for wanting to live.

Trudi - I am so happy for you that you are venturing out in to the world again and searching out a new job - I am always amazed at you - you are such an inspiration to me. You have the ability to say and think all of the things I feel and think yet it is as though I have not moved in the direction I need to go - I want to be able to, as I have said before,  stop remembering the LOSS and start remembering the wonderful, beautiful 26 years I had with Jessica and I do feel as though I am beginning to do that and then I wake up one day and I feel as though I have traveled backwards down this road and need to start all over again. AAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! I miss Jessica so much!! I need to be alive, I need to be strong for Tavian, I NEED.

Well I got that out of my system and hope I have made some sense in my posting. I thank all of you again for listening and understanding - I once again seem to have all the thoughts yet no way to put them into words.

I will post pictures this week as I have some new ones I have yet to put on.

JESSICA, JESSICA, JESSICA:D

MICHAEL, MICHEAL, MICHAEL:D

Next time I will say all of the names I have come to know on this site.

Hugs and Peace to all and may we all bring a little brightness to all of those out there reading. May we continue to help guide each other on this long road as I plan on being here for a very long time.  Love - Kathy

[summergirl]

Hello to all - quite a busy weekend with Tavian having his best friend Damien sleep over on Friday night - they were both in an odd mood and could not seem to get along about anything - they argued and picked at each other until I thought I would pull my hair out - nothing I could do to get them to stop arguing!! On Saturday I put them in the car and took them to McDonalds for lunch, then to buy a couple new shirts and then to the video game store where they each got a new game - they were absolutely wonderful all day on Saturday so I guess Friday night was just a bad mood night. Sorry to say I did not get any pictures of them as it took all of my energy to just deal with them - not being as young as I would like to think I am!!

I have been thinking alot about Jessica lately which is nothing new but I seem to be thinking of her in a different way - I know that I am beginning to come to terms with the fact that I am to live without her for the rest of my days here and that I have to live my life, however, I am so torn, a part of me is looking forward to a function that we will be attending next Saturday night and the other part of me is saying how can I look forward to anything without Jessica. It will be nice to get out of the house and talk to other adults and have some fun but the fun part makes me feel guilt and I know that it is irrational and not what Jessica would want me to feel but I feel them just the same. I wonder at times if I am going insane - one part of me is "ready" to live life and the other part of me wants to stay hidden in my safe zones, where I can keep Jessica alive and with me. If I venture to far from home it is as though I lose a part of her all over again, I start to panick that I will go one day without thinking of her, if I don't cry for one day I wonder what is wrong with me, if I go visit her at the cemetery and don't stay because it is so hard I feel guilt, if I laugh and play with Tavian it is such joy yet I feel the pain of mommy not being the one doing it!!! So crazy or not crazy?? That is the question. Crazy with grief and crazy for wanting to live.

Trudi - I am so happy for you that you are venturing out in to the world again and searching out a new job - I am always amazed at you - you are such an inspiration to me. You have the ability to say and think all of the things I feel and think yet it is as though I have not moved in the direction I need to go - I want to be able to, as I have said before,  stop remembering the LOSS and start remembering the wonderful, beautiful 26 years I had with Jessica and I do feel as though I am beginning to do that and then I wake up one day and I feel as though I have traveled backwards down this road and need to start all over again. AAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! I miss Jessica so much!! I need to be alive, I need to be strong for Tavian, I NEED.

Well I got that out of my system and hope I have made some sense in my posting. I thank all of you again for listening and understanding - I once again seem to have all the thoughts yet no way to put them into words.

I will post pictures this week as I have some new ones I have yet to put on.

JESSICA, JESSICA, JESSICA:D

MICHAEL, MICHEAL, MICHAEL:D

Next time I will say all of the names I have come to know on this site.

Hugs and Peace to all and may we all bring a little brightness to all of those out there reading. May we continue to help guide each other on this long road as I plan on being here for a very long time.  Love - Kathy

[briansdad]

 

 

 

[briansdad]

Ok, First I want all to understand that what I’m proposing is in no way intended to take advantage of grieving parents. I have been out work of since Oct. I've been trying to figure out a way to make ends meet that gives one some sense of worth.   I have worked out a deal with the lady who painted my sons portrait. I am representing her and want to market her painting skills. She will paint a portrait of your child for $2000.00 I know it's a lot of money but we don't need all of it up front. We will at some point try to take charge cards. We can do pay pal. I wanted to start with my friends here. I take Brian’s painting to all my family get togethers so they are not allowed to forget him.

Any way please believe me that I am doing this to help and not so much for myself. I know that my wife cherishes her painting more that I can say.

 

 

 

[summergirl]

Hello to all - quite a busy weekend with Tavian having his best friend Damien sleep over on Friday night - they were both in an odd mood and could not seem to get along about anything - they argued and picked at each other until I thought I would pull my hair out - nothing I could do to get them to stop arguing!! On Saturday I put them in the car and took them to McDonalds for lunch, then to buy a couple new shirts and then to the video game store where they each got a new game - they were absolutely wonderful all day on Saturday so I guess Friday night was just a bad mood night. Sorry to say I did not get any pictures of them as it took all of my energy to just deal with them - not being as young as I would like to think I am!!

I have been thinking alot about Jessica lately which is nothing new but I seem to be thinking of her in a different way - I know that I am beginning to come to terms with the fact that I am to live without her for the rest of my days here and that I have to live my life, however, I am so torn, a part of me is looking forward to a function that we will be attending next Saturday night and the other part of me is saying how can I look forward to anything without Jessica. It will be nice to get out of the house and talk to other adults and have some fun but the fun part makes me feel guilt and I know that it is irrational and not what Jessica would want me to feel but I feel them just the same. I wonder at times if I am going insane - one part of me is "ready" to live life and the other part of me wants to stay hidden in my safe zones, where I can keep Jessica alive and with me. If I venture to far from home it is as though I lose a part of her all over again, I start to panick that I will go one day without thinking of her, if I don't cry for one day I wonder what is wrong with me, if I go visit her at the cemetery and don't stay because it is so hard I feel guilt, if I laugh and play with Tavian it is such joy yet I feel the pain of mommy not being the one doing it!!! So crazy or not crazy?? That is the question. Crazy with grief and crazy for wanting to live.

Trudi - I am so happy for you that you are venturing out in to the world again and searching out a new job - I am always amazed at you - you are such an inspiration to me. You have the ability to say and think all of the things I feel and think yet it is as though I have not moved in the direction I need to go - I want to be able to, as I have said before,  stop remembering the LOSS and start remembering the wonderful, beautiful 26 years I had with Jessica and I do feel as though I am beginning to do that and then I wake up one day and I feel as though I have traveled backwards down this road and need to start all over again. AAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! I miss Jessica so much!! I need to be alive, I need to be strong for Tavian, I NEED.

Well I got that out of my system and hope I have made some sense in my posting. I thank all of you again for listening and understanding - I once again seem to have all the thoughts yet no way to put them into words.

I will post pictures this week as I have some new ones I have yet to put on.

JESSICA, JESSICA, JESSICA:D

MICHAEL, MICHEAL, MICHAEL:D

Next time I will say all of the names I have come to know on this site.

Hugs and Peace to all and may we all bring a little brightness to all of those out there reading. May we continue to help guide each other on this long road as I plan on being here for a very long time.  Love - Kathy

[summergirl]

I am so sorry - I have no idea how my one posting got posted three times - like I said crazy or not crazy!!! Sorry for taking up so much room - I tried to delete two of them with no luck!!!

[mikesmomrs]

Kathy: 

[mikesmomrs]

Kathy:  I've been having some problems with duplicate posts the last couple of posts, also, and I have no idea how to completely delete (or if you can), so I have just gone in and deleted the body of the post on the duplicates.

I can understand your frustration with Tavian and his little friend not getting along on Friday, and not being as young as you like to think you are.  Sometimes when Mike's three boys are here, it can be bedlam, especially so because Damon (3) does not live with his two older brothers, who are 11 and 10, so when they are together, they like to just go wild and it truly is a full-time job to corral them.  Another grandson, Jamie, who is 9, really likes to be here with the others, also, so at times he is here, too, and he and Mike's middle son, Kam, who is 10, sometimes don't get along for whatever reason...just like you said about Tavian and Damien...just not in the mood on Friday for getting along, but yet Saturday went smooth as silk.  That is how it is with Kam and Jamie, also.  But, just as you wouldn't give it up, I wouldn't trade it for the world...I am so blessed that they want to be here. 

I also so very much relate to your "guilt" feelings about having fun vs feeling guilty about Jessica not being there to share in it.  Whenever we go somewhere that was a particular favorite of Mike's, my heart is in twenty different places at once--happy that we are there, sharing the memories, guilty that we are there and he isn't (at least not physically anyway), and wondering how can I be here, enjoying myself?  My son is dead!!!  One of the very things that Mike said to us before he died was "Please do not stop living because I am not here.  Do not stop having fun."  I try to remember that, but still, it is so very hard.  One of Mike's very favorite restaurants was a Chinese restaurant in our local town.  I could not even go by there after he died, but I knew that he would want us to be there, especially for his birthday, as that is where he liked to go for his b'day dinners.  My family and I had discussed last year going there for his b'day, which is in August, and I said that I didn't know if I would be ready then or not.  A few days after that discussion, a friend of my husband's brought him lunch from that Chinese restaurant, and when he finished eating, he opened up the fortune cookie, and the Chinese "words for the day" on the slip were "Miss you."  I took that as a real kick to my butt from Mike to get our keesters down there and have some Chinese food for him...so we did, on his birthday.  We all went, had dinner, had a cake, celebrated his life, etc., and I know that he was with us.  But, still, the guilt continues to linger, and thinking of traveling this summer with my husband has been an effort plagued with guilt.  I think that all of us know that all of our children would never want us to give up our lives, but it is so hard sometimes, to move out and embrace joy.

Terri:  (Heathershope)  Welcome to BI.  I am so very sorry over the loss of your precious daughter, and so very sorry that you have a reason to be here.  Being able to come here and discuss our feelings without worry over judgment or fear of reprimand for "yet again" discussing our chidren is such a wonderful gift for all of us here.

I lost my son, Mike, at the age of 31, to brain cancer.  He was diagnosed in May of 2005, just five months after being married, and died on October 14, 2006.  When he was first diagnosed, the doctors hoped that he might be able to go as long as 2-3 years, and as much as 5, but that was not to be.  17 months was what we had, and we are so very thankful for every one of them.  Yes, God does have a sense of humor--Mike was really into "tattoos" and he had waited a long time to get his "dream tattoo" of a huge picture of Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia from a poster from the first Star Wars movie done on his back, but when he was finally getting close to having the $, he was diagnosed, and decided that tattoos were really a long term investment, and he didn't have "long-term" so he decided it wasn't meant to be, though wasn't upset about it.  I wonder if he has it now? 

All:  I think I have mentioned before about my very close friend, Rita, being ill with cancer and not expected to live much longer.  Today, heaven received another angel, as she left this world for her place in eternity.  Next to my husband, Rita was my very cllosest friend,  (we've been friends for 48 years) She has been battling one form or another of cancer for the last 5 years, and today she left it all behind.  She had been in a hospice home since December; she didn't want to die at home because she didn't want Eric, her only child, to have to deal with that.  Eric is just a couple years younger than my Mike, and he and his mom were very close as it was always just the two of them.  Rita was the type of friend that you would special order, if such a thing could be done.  A treasure that I thank God for having had in my life.  I will miss her more than I can say.  I am so very thankful that I got the chance to tell her how much she means to me and how much I love her.  Please hug your friends for me today, and tell them how much they mean to you.  You will never regret it. 

I am sorry for rambling and posting such a lengthy post.  I just felt the need to "talk," and here you all were, my captive audience...

Love and peaceful memories to all of you.

carol  mikesmomrs

Rita and I, at a school picnic, in our junior year...were we ever really that young? 

[mattewmess]

Dear Terri,

Thank you for writing. I am new at this too, the board and posting pics. I feel like Matt died in an accident. He was misdiagnosed and given the wrong medication, became very depressed and took his own life on 8/26/07. It all happened just over the summer. I thought we were 'around the corner' with the turbulent teen years, he was to be 21 this April. He had completed a year of college in California and was into his 2nd year here at home at Salisbury University. Everyone was shocked by his death. He was like Jim Carey; he was a good student, talented musician, surfer, had so many friends, and the girls just followed him around. He did have ADHD and he had his moments, especially when I said 'no' to something, but we did not think he would do this. He did quit taking the medication on his own, but he had a month earlier and was fine, we think? It sure felt like a tragic accident to us. I have more questions than answers, all his friends too. I have since learned that bipolar illness can erupt at the age of 19 or 20 and the first six months of this severe mania or depression are the most dangerous times for suicide. My husband likens it to cancer, says that he became very ill with bipolar disease that could not be treated very well. I am having a harder time wrapping my brain around this. Matt couldn't stand physcial pain of any kind, a splinter would upset him - so how could he hurt himself so badly. His friends have maintained contact and they are now telling me things that they saw this summer that seem to support that Matt was having a bigger problem than we thought, but no one put it together, and Matt was not one to talk. I learned that he counseled everyone else, he listened but didn't talk about himself much to even his best friends that he had his whole life. My two other kids do talk a lot. But I think that how ever our kids die, it is just hard. I read that some parents are so upset about the physical pain that their child may have experienced in an accident and I am upset for Matt that he experienced such 'psychache' to want to end the pain this way. Apparently, people that die by suicide don't want to quit living, just want the pain in their brain and heart to stop. It is now believed there is a genetic component, hormonal influence, and at 19 they don't have the resilency that we develop with age and experience. It is all tragic. I have counseled many of his friends since and am learning that our young ones are really dealing with much more than we know. Thank you for asking. How are you doing? I had a pretty good day yesterday because my daughter and her boyfriend came for dinner, then we visited the neighbors new puppies, and I made peanut butter cookies for everyone. If I keep giving to my kids and their friends it helps, I feel like I am giving to Matt. Take good care of yourself today. I look forward to seeing the pics of your daughter. Terry

[heartbeataway]

Carol,

I'm so sorry that your friend Rita is no longer here physically. Friends are such an important part of our lives and to have one 48 years is such a precious gift.

I just wanted to convey my heartfelt condolences.

Bonnie in Texas

[simonsmam]

It was Mothering Sunday here in the UK yesterday. Unlike in America, the date changes every year and falls on the fourth Sunday of Lent. As it happened it was also our 34th wedding anniversary. This was the second since Simon’s road accident in May 2006.Although it is such an emotional day, I feel that we have to mark the occasion as I am lucky to still  have my mother and also, my 2 daughters are mothers now too and deserve to ‘celebrate ‘ it in their own right. We are also always mindful that our 5 grandchildren deserve to have as normal and happy a life as we can provide them. My daughter said soon after we lost Simon that our three children had a lovely, happy childhood and she wanted the same for our grandchildren. This really touched me. It is not always easy but we do try so hard.

 

Whenever there is a special day approaching, I usually ask the family what they would like to do. Once we decide, it sort of gives us a focus.

This year we decided to have lunch together…..9 adults and 5 children! Luckily for me, my husband is a qualified chef but works as a school caretaker now.

 

I coped quite well until it came to writing on the card to attach to the flowers I was taking to the cemetery. I couldn’t see because of the tears and had streaks running down my make-up. I wonder why I put myself through it but it is like talking to him on this special day. It does release the tension and helps me cope with the rest of the day. I could never have imagined that one day I would be buying flowers for my son on Mother’s Day.

 

We had a lovely family day but, of course it is bittersweet…..  there will always be a part of the family missing. I had some beautiful cards and presents. We all as a family find it so difficult choosing cards now. The words are so inappropriate now. It is especially hard on Simon’s wife. They don’t make cards for mother- in law on Mother’s Day and there are very few for mother and father-in- law for anniversaries. Just emphasises what we have lost and how the ‘normal’ world are so unaware. She bought me a beautiful photo album with my favourite butterfly design and had printed some photos of our 3 children and us taken with our partners at a wedding. So kind and thoughtful.

 

Just wanted to share a poignant and painful day really. But then every day is painful. It is so difficult to be positive for the children we have while we remember the ones we have lost. We are still mothers to all our children and deserve to ‘celebrate’ this fact.

 

Sending special thoughts to you all,

Love Avril.    

[simonsmam]

It was Mothering Sunday here in the UK yesterday. Unlike in America, the date changes every year and falls on the fourth Sunday of Lent. As it happened it was also our 34th wedding anniversary. This was the second since Simon’s road accident in May 2006.Although it is such an emotional day, I feel that we have to mark the occasion as I am lucky to still  have my mother and also, my 2 daughters are mothers now too and deserve to ‘celebrate ‘ it in their own right. We are also always mindful that our 5 grandchildren deserve to have as normal and happy a life as we can provide them. My daughter said soon after we lost Simon that our three children had a lovely, happy childhood and she wanted the same for our grandchildren. This really touched me. It is not always easy but we do try so hard.

 

Whenever there is a special day approaching, I usually ask the family what they would like to do. Once we decide, it sort of gives us a focus.

This year we decided to have lunch together…..9 adults and 5 children! Luckily for me, my husband is a qualified chef but works as a school caretaker now.

 

I coped quite well until it came to writing on the card to attach to the flowers I was taking to the cemetery. I couldn’t see because of the tears and had streaks running down my make-up. I wonder why I put myself through it but it is like talking to him on this special day. It does release the tension and helps me cope with the rest of the day. I could never have imagined that one day I would be buying flowers for my son on Mother’s Day.

 

We had a lovely family day but, of course it is bittersweet…..  there will always be a part of the family missing. I had some beautiful cards and presents. We all as a family find it so difficult choosing cards now. The words are so inappropriate now. It is especially hard on Simon’s wife. They don’t make cards for mother- in law on Mother’s Day and there are very few for mother and father-in- law for anniversaries. Just emphasises what we have lost and how the ‘normal’ world are so unaware. She bought me a beautiful photo album with my favourite butterfly design and had printed some photos of our 3 children and us taken with our partners at a wedding. So kind and thoughtful.

 

Just wanted to share a poignant and painful day really. But then every day is painful. It is so difficult to be positive for the children we have while we remember the ones we have lost. We are still mothers to all our children and deserve to ‘celebrate’ this fact.

 

Sending special thoughts to you all,

Love Avril.    

[simonsmam]

Sorry for the double posts. I am having difficulty posting, then 2 go all at once.

Avril x

[daveydow1]

For Simonsmam,  Avril,

I agree, it can be hard to maintain a good and joyful relationship with

your living children, whenever your heart is breaking and you are so very

sad and missing the child who passed over. May you continue to find

comfort in your loving family, and your memories of your dear son.

Peace be with you.

                           Daveysmom,   Sherry   

 

[summergirl]

Terri (heathershope) - I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter as I know what it is to lose a daughter - my Jessica was my only daughter and left us on Feb 18, 2006 of a rare heart disease that was never diagnosed and was never thought to be anything that would take her life. I think it is amazing that you had the wonderful Halloween party and so glad that family and friends came to joing you. You mentioned that you were wondering how long the "friends" would come around - well it has been 2 years since we lost Jess and her friends still call and come around. They set up a beautiful memorial to her on MySpace.com and every day there is a new post from one of her many friends. So many called and lit candles for the 2nd Angel Date and yes it does amaze me that they are still true to Jess and us. True friends stay forever and I hope that your daughters friends are always in touch with you and yours. Keep posting if you can as this site has helped me through many sleepless nights and the wisdom you find here you will never find any where else. I welcome you yet are sorry for why I welcome you on this never ending journey.

Avril - I so agree with you about the greeting cards - seems as though every time I need to buy a card for whatever occasion I always seem to see the "daughter" ones first - and then the ones that are to mom from daughter and I almost run from the store - now I buy cards for my Jessica and take them to the cemetery for her. I have always enjoyed buying cards just because and now it is so hard.

Trudi - as usual you once again make me smile. Tavian and Damien are so close yet sometimes they can make me crazy with their arguing over anything and everything - most times I can laugh it off but this past Friday was the first time for me that they just didn't agree on anything - they even argued over the movie "transformers" as they both wanted to be the yellow "bumblebee" car and neither one wanted to give in. I was so happy when they fell asleep and then I sat there and watched them sleeping and they looked so innocent I wondered how I got so fustrated!!

I too still have a hard time going to Jessica special places and believe me she had a lot of them - every day I have to drive past where she worked, her favorite place to get a sandwich, her favorite place to have a "margurita" and of course her apartment complex - that one is the hardest. Her and I used to go to a shopping center about 30 miles from home every other week - we would get our nails done, have dinner and then go shopping - she loves pocketbooks and shoes - it took me one year to go back to the nail place and such sweet memories. I venture and have one of her sandwiches now and then just for her. I guess I truely am finding some peace with all of this, some sort of comfort zone and that scares me but I know I am headed where I need to be - a stronger person, a more caring and loving person, and a strong mi-mi for Tavian. I know that Jessica is the reason I am stepping forward as she is behind me giving me little shoves in the right direction. I need this site to keep me going forward and I so need the words of wisdom from all who post here. I am sorry to say that I do not always remember each and every person so I have gotten a note book to write names and certain things someone has said so I can remember. Guess that what happens when you hit 50!!

Time to say good night and God Bless all of you. Pictures of Tavian are coming.

With love and much gratitude - Kathy

[mikesmum]

Avril - The love we have for all our children never ends, whether they are with us or not for whatever reason.....My first "mothers day' came 4 months after Mike died.  Melissa and Steven (Mikes sister and brother) weren't sure how to go about 'celebrating Mothers Day'.  As a family we decided on a picnic at the local reservior.  Everyone bought something, the weather was great and the wide open spaces made for a great day.  I only had one 'blank' period.  I was sitting with my newest granddaughter.......Miss Jeya all of 5 months old......I was mesmerised by her eyes and didn't realise how long the two of us had been sitting....just being........

I have made a pact with my children, to celebrate our family days as if Mike was with us...not to make them another day of mourning so to speak.......We have managed to celebrate Stevens 30th with much success.....I think Mike was watching...amazed himself that his brother was an old dude!

Kathy - Ahhhh the dreaded who will be Bumblebee......reminds me of the days of Batman vs Spiderman.....Zak is Batman, (stands with hands on hips) Caleb is Spiderman, webs from palms of hand and the ability to hang upside down!!!!

To all - These past couple of months I have experienced a shift in the wind so to speak.....while my heart is still broken and my life changed forever, the pain is not as raw.....I have found some of my old life that survived the devestation of my sons death. 

I had been so scared.  To move from this place I would  lose Mike, betray his memory, forget my son, my son........But, I feel Mike more with me now than ever.  He is with me guiding me for want of better words to a place were my pain is less and my life is more........

I don't feel that I am leaving him behind, he is with me, age will never weary him (stolen from ANZAC prayer), he will never have to experience the loss of his mum or god forbid, the loss of his child.......he is always part of me....

I attribute this new direction to my children that have given me unspoken permission to live on, my husband who no matter how ferocious the storm heldfast to my hand and last but never least my friends here who knew my pain as if it was their own, spoke to me gently and allowed me the space to grieve......Bless you all

Micheal Shane, Know you are so loved baby boy....that will never change...it never did while you here no matter what.   Be near my son, your mum will always needed you, that hasn't changed either............Love you my son, my son...........

[summergirl]

Hello to all - another day home from work and all alone. Tavian is at the YMCA for swimming, an afterschool program and my husband is working at the Firehouse. It is so quiet here so I have put on a CD "Broken Bridges" by Toby Keith - so beautiful.

I also feel as though I have come to a cross road - move forward with my life or stay where I am and not live. I miss my beautiful daughter so much but I too am finding it to be "softer" then in previous days - scared? yes, but I cannot continue to go on as I have. The suffering, watching those around me go on with their lives and enjoying the small things in life, looking at Tavian as he grows each day, looking at myself in the mirror and wondering who I am and what I have become - I can no longer spend each moment of my life wishing for what can never be again, hoping and praying that I could turn the clock back, praying that this has all been a nightmare and I will wake up and all will be right again - it is not to be - I can not turn the clock back and the nightmare I have been living has now become a reality - I must let go of the nightmare and turn it into beautiful memories. I am trying each day to wake up and see something good about the day, try to smile more and look up at the Heavens each day and know that my daughter is a beautiful Angel who watches over us and guides us - I know she is happy and free and although I will never be without the pain and tears I can have a life. I am weary of being broken. I will always have tears and there will be days that I want to crawl back into that black abyss and leave the world behind but I will draw strength from family, friends and all of those here who have walked this path with me for so long - I believe I would not be where I am today if I had not had the prayers, love, support, hope and strength that I have received from all of you.  I went out today and bought a stuffed frog with bunny ears for Jessica for Easter - her favorite thing in the world was frogs - I also bought a bunch of glass bunnies and chicks and I will give one to each person of my choosing to write something on it and we will take them to Jessica - I want to celebrate her life not drown in my tears - I want to take walks on the beach and know that she walks with me, I want sweet dreams of my Jessica.

Must go get Tavian - thank you for letting me ramble. Love, Kathy

Hope this picture comes out - it is Jessica before her Senior Prom.

[mikesmum]

Kathy - She is stunning....

I am taken by the similarities yet again.......I hope this worked...its Mike and Lauren at her 21st.  Mike had been discharged after another surgery.  Her dress is a slip dress, its colour changed from a blue to a purple plum depending on the light..l......

I will meet you at our cross roads, for coffee, laughs and more shared memories of Mike and Jess............we will talk of our hopes for the future for I feel at least for me that I may very well have one......granted not without tears and not without the gentle ache that reminds me of Mike being gone!

Take Care - Trudi

[mikesmum]

sorry

[summergirl]

Trudi - How beautiful Lauren is and I too see the likeness - the dress - Jessica's also turned a purple color depending on the light!!! I will meet you and yes we will have coffee and talk about the crossroad we have both seemed to arrive at.

One more picture - hope you can see it - let me know. Love, Kathy

[mikesmum]

Kathy - tears tears tears tears...........................Thank you thank you so much.....A purple heart..................my favourite colour......'menopausal mauve'  seems to be almost a signature colour for me.............

You truly are a special person who was sent to me on my journey -  I thank you so much......

 

[summergirl]

It is hard to see the names as the flames from the candles and the flash from the camera put a glow but they are still so beautiful. The picture of Jessica - you can see where it has faded from being in the frame for so long - seems like yesterday though that she was waiting for the limo to arrive!!!!! Miss her so.

[summergirl]

Trudi - you are the special one - your words of wisdom and stength have seen me through many sleepless nights - there is a bond between us that cannot be explained and I do not question it as it has brought me to a place where I want to be. Purple - funny how I had a whole page of hearts of different colors and yet the purple one seemed to find its way to Micheal's candle - I will light it each time I light Jessica's as I truely believe they have found each other in Heaven and have guided us to one another.

Bless all who post here - Kathy

[heartbeataway]

Avril,

Your posting about your Mothering Day broke my heart. There are days such as this one that will never be the same. The memorial service for our son was May 3rd.  His ashes were scattered on May 7th.  Mother's Day was May 12th. 

Yes, we will always be Mom's and we deserve to celebrate.  I always wrote our son a note on Mother's Day. 

It's all so sad!

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[summergirl]

Avril - Mother's Day is always hard - it came just 3 months after we lost Jessica and I was still in such a state of shock I didn't know what to do - we went to the cemetery and let balloons go and we left a card for her from Tavian. You sound like an amazing person with a strength that most of us strive hard to find. 

I was thinking a while ago that I have had two years without Jessica in them, two years of no pictures of her, no memory makers - only left with the memories of before January 18, 2006 - how do we do this.

This is a picture of Jessica taken in 1998 at a beach BBQ that she went to - she was in the bathroom checking her makeup (not unusual for her age) and someone took this picture - I never saw it until I started going through all her pictures after she left us and it has become one of my favorites - it speaks to me and I do not know the reason why.

Blessed be and Peace to all - Kathy 

[loveyoujustin]

Dearest Terry, Terri, Kathy, Bonnie, and of course Trudi:

Just to say thank you.  My days really are a struggle, even more so as Justin's birthday approaches.  Tonite and Tommorrow nite a local restuarant is donating a portion of their proceeds from dinners to Justin's fund.  It is so overwhelming to see the turnout!

There are wonderful, wonderful people in this earthly world, but there is not anybody such as all of you that can understand this "excrutiating pain."  Thank you for your support and insight into helping me struggle through Justin's upcoming birthday.  I would give ANYTHING to go back, to the way it was, and have him here, being so happy to be 18!

I will certainly celebrate Justin's birth, and his life on Saturday, and while I am, I will make a silent wish for all of your beloved children for Peace and Happiness in Paradise!\

My love and hope for peace to all,   Trish

www.JustinScottWagnerMemorialFund.com

 

[mikesmomrs]

Trish:  Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you as you celebrate Justin's birthday.  I visited Justin's site, and you have done a wonderful job honoring him and allowing others to remember him.  I also am inspired by your many ways of remembering him--some of the ideas you've had are wonderful.  I have been wanting to create a "living memorial" in Mike's memory, as well, and have received a lot of inspiration from your memorial site for him, i.e., scholarships based on his interests, etc.  We've been thinking about a bench at his high school, as they have just rebuilt and remodeled and I know that it would be a nice addition to their new grounds.

 I know that all here at BI will be holding you close in thought on March 8th.

love and peace,

carol  mikesmomrs

[mommabert]

hi it mommabert, i went back to work. 9 month ago i had hopes it would give me something to think about other than my son. when people asking about the boys i anwser  brian is doing good , and we lost josh in may of 2006. it just brings all the pain back. as if it just happened. it has been 22 months. i will never forget that morn. nor do i want to. i just want to move on. is that so wrong. i fell like i am losing my mind.  i know alot of people go throught   my thoughts are with all    mommabert

[simonsmam]

Hi Kathy,

Thank you for your kind words, In reality, I am no stronger than the next person but, I have had some life experiences that may have helped to prepare me for the trauma we live through now. I also have the love of a wonderful, supportive husband and my 2 beautiful daughters and their families. We are very close to Simon’s wife and still have a special relationship with her. 

I have 2 brothers and the younger one has cerebral palsy. He is unable to talk, feed himself and is doubly incontinent. He was born when I was 5 and was often ill throughout my childhood. He often had to be hospitalised because of his epilepsy. I was involved in his care as a young child and teenager and supported my parents as best as I could. When I got married, my husband also helped out as well. My dad died 17 years ago and my mother looked after my brother until the age of 67 when it became too much for her.He  now lives in a special home and is really well looked after. There have been many times over the last 15 years when he has been quite ill and I have even prepared myself for and dreaded the day when I would have to look after and support her if anything happened to him. I would never have imagined that I would have lost my healthy, strapping 6ft 7 in son before she lost hers. My mother will be 80 in July and my brother will be 50 at the end of the month. I just hope that she will never have to go through this terrible loss. It would truly break her heart. She is dedicated to him and to look at her now at almost 80 you would never guess that she had lived such a hard working life. I suppose in a strange way, when you have a handicapped child, at first. you must ‘grieve’ for the child you thought you would have. I think it has taught our family a lot about caring, selfless love and dedication to those less fortunate.

Another sad experience we had was when my husband’s mother died in her sleep at the age of 44. He is the eldest of 5 and there were 3 young teenagers still living at home. We were only in our early twenties but did our best to support his father and the rest of the family.

We have spent our lives caring for so many people in our home life. Professionally, we have cared for lots of children in our jobs as a teacher and school caretaker. It is ironic that we have lost our only son after years of caring for others.  Nothing could ever have prepared us for the devastation we now live with. I think we cope as best as we can because we have always been a close family and we talk a lot. We all talk about Simon every day, even our little grandchildren.

 Kathy, whenever I read your posts about Tavian I always consider you to be the amazing, strong woman. The truth is that in our grief, we cannot see our own strengths. We are all amazing women for surviving the loss of our children and for supporting others on this terrible life long journey.  

 Love and special wishes to you all ,   Avril  X

[summergirl]

Trish - Thank you for sharing a bit of your family history - it helps to understand things a bit more when we can do that - you certainly have been through alot and it has made you stronger in every sense of the word. Having a loving family to support you and surround you is one of the best "healers" we can have. Yes I am strong when it comes to Tavian but sometimes so very weak on the inside. I will be thinking of you as March 8th draws close and you "celebrate" Justin's birthday. On July 21st we go to the cemetery and have cake with Jessica and let the balloons fly. There has been two fund raisers for Tavian's future and I am still amazed at the generosity of the people who live in this town. Jessica worked just 5 months at her job, which she loved, before she passed - they alone raised over twenty thousand dollars for Tavian, we have put it in a trust for him so he will have a secure future and we add to it each month. The restaurant where Jessica was when she left this world also did a fund raiser for Tavian and raised over thirteen thousand - so Tavian has a good start for his college years.

Mamabets - tears when I read your post - whenever I read your words I have been inspired by your strength and courage and now when you need me I am at a loss for words to help you - I know how hard it is to return to the real world of going back to work, so many people with questions. I work with a girl who knows my sister-in-law and she has been working in my area for a few months, yesterday she was looking at my pictures on my desk and said "oh my God, you are Jessica's mom??" and I said yes and she said she had no idea - I was astounded that after two years there could possibly be one person in this town who does not know that Jessica is my daughter. It is hard to answer their questions and to hear them try to say words of comfort to you when nothing they can say will help or change what we feel. Our strength comes from within and I believe God does not give us more than we can handle yet I do have my days when I question that statement. Please know that I am thinking of you and I send you hugs and prayers.

Now - I have to tell you all that my husband is in the hospital. He came home last night from a dinner at the firehouse and could hardly walk up the stairs, he got up this morning and could not walk at all, the ambulance came and took him to the hospital - I was so scared and poor Tavian was hiding in his bedroom crying so I had to carry him down the stairs to show him that Pop-Pop was ok and just had to go to the doctors to get medicine so he could feel better. They have done an MRI of his legs and tonite the doctor said they found something but not quite sure so tomorrow they are going to do a full body MRI with the dye and see what is there. The doctor did tell me that it may be the medicine he has been on for his cold as it contains steriods and that he could be having a reaction to it - so in other words they don't really know what is going on. I took Tavian over to see him tonight and Tavian is much better now that he saw him, on the way home he told me this is a special night because Pop-Pop is getting better and the doctors are helping him - I just wanted to cry. I am so scared as I do not know what is wrong with him and I feel so helpless. It is another whammy to walk into that hospital as it is where Jessica was when we had to "identify" her - I tremble when I walk through those doors but again need to be strong for Barry and Tavian. I need you all to say a prayer that all is well with my husband and that he comes home to us soon. I will keep you posted on his progress. 

I need to get some rest so I will say good night and love to all - Kathy

[loveyoujustin]

Loving thanks to you Carol, and Kathy.  Your words mean so much!  It means so much that you took the time to "know" Justin.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Kathy:  Wishes and Prayers are with you, Barry, and of course Tavian tonite, and always.

Love and Peace to all, Trish

[mikesmomrs]

Kathy;  I am so sorry to hear about your husband's being ill...I can understand the doctor thinking it might be the med he is taking, especially if it contains steroids.  Some steroids can attack the leg muscles and make the legs very weak and unable to carry the weight of the body.  You are in my prayers and thoughts as you pass through this night.  I worry about my husband all the time, due to his COPD, as it is not something that ever gets better, and his has only gotten worse since his diagnosis, though it does seem to have stabilized for the present, thankfully. 

I can imagine how poor little Tavian must feel, so scared.  Bless him.  I pray that you and he find your hubby on the mend very soon and returning home his old self.

love and peace,

carol   mikesmomrs

[bigmikesmom]

Kathy,

I am so very sorry about your husband. I will be praying for him,and for you and Tavian. your,Jessica, is so beautiful.The pic of her in the bathroom is great, as are all the others.

God Bless,

Patti-bigmikesmom

[mikesmum]

Kathy - What was that about what doesn't kill us only serves to make us stronger?  Hope the MRI gives you the answers to the questions raised about Barry's medical situation.  I can only imagine how you felt re visiting the hospital - the fears Tavian must have felt when Barry was transported........sometimes it feels like it never ends....

But, having said that, in these past months your strengths and abilities have re-emerged.  As always, you and yours are in thoughts and prayers throughout this site...your unseen support group, never far away.

Will be off to court tomorrow - a full day on the stand explaining the impact of being an EMD at the time we got the call for Mike......I feel stronger, I know Mike is with me, Jess not far behind......

To all, take care - this is a truly unique, diverse and special family.........

[mamabets]

For summergirl~ I think you meant to post to "mommabert" about working?

I must grin because there was a time when I had ten jobs in twelve years...A homebody to the core!!

Having said that, I have so many dear friends here who have been treated soooo poorly at their place of work. Just cold, cold, cold people, especially, it seems, in the medical field!!!!  I am so sorry, mommabert, that your place is one of them, it appears. Not saying that your job is in the medical field.  When insensitivity hits, please know that you can always come here to us.

Now, Kath- I must share with you- My mother, who is 82 years old, was just hospitilized for a lengthy stay with this TERRIBLE leg weakness. They ran tests galore, thought perhaps it was this, wondered if it was that, took more  tests to make sure that it was not either or, and to this day, now that she is home and well, we do not know what it was. BUT, she was as weak as a dish rag...COULD NOT stand up... PLEASE keep us posted with Barry, and know that my prayers are right within your heart!!!

LOVE

mamabets

 

 

[mamabets]

For mikesmum~ With love and support, I will be thinking of you today, just like every other day!!

LOVE

mamabets

[heathershope]

Terry,

I am so sorry to hear your story.  I do understand exactly what you are saying.  My son Josh has been ADHD (diagnosed in school) and all that goes with that.  He has also been diagnosed with Bipolar and is FINALLY taking medication since Heather died but I worry about him so much.  Like you son he doesn't say much, he just "broods".  I am scared to death he may someday hurt himself even if in a moment of impulsive thinking.  I know since Heather died I have been right on that edge a few times myself and it is very scary.  I guess Josh's youth is what makes me worry that he won't pull himself back one of these days.  It's hard for me to and I have over the years acquired pretty good coping skills...yet I still find myself there every now and then.

 

I believe that "psychache" (love the term) is just as painful to a mother as physical pain.  One of the most painful parts of Heathers illness was when she would lay with her head in my lap and cry telling me she was scared.  That hurt me just as much as times I held her hair back while she heaved her guts out or cried in pain.

 

I hold you and your family in my thoughts and prayers...what a painful experience you have endured.  What pain we all endure....WHY? That's all I want to know.  My husband did qustion me once and said If GOD himself came down and told you "well Terri, here's the plan and why we took Heather" would you miss her less.  Of course the answer is no but I just want to understand, I guess that makes me human.

 

Thank you for sharing.  Terri

[ericasmom]

Hello Everyone,

My name is Dee, I have not been here for a long while, time making life more manageable and I keep extremely busy here at school teaching 3rd grade. My girl Erica, for those that do not know me, was killed in July of 2003 when an Amtrak hit her car at a broken light. It was broken for 11 months, just a fuse, a simple fuse that someone just didn;t figure was vital. The loss is like the loss for all of you, it is shocking and complete, it is devastating, it is the saddest event in the world. Erica lived in Kalamazoo Michigan with my son, Jon, when she was killed. She was 19.

So to those of you new to this grief, I wish you never had to find this place, but because you did, I am glad this place exists. I have been helped beyond words because of this site, and I have found strength in the darkest of days because of the wonderful and dedicted people who daily visit the site to cheer you/us on. Once summer comes, I am able to be here more often and listen and support you in your journey. I guess if I have any advice right off the top of my heart...write your feelings down each day, a chronicle of your journey is actually useful to many, it allows you to look back and see the steps you have taken as you find your way. You will be amazed at the many ways you find strength through these days,months, years. We are all facing hard times, no matter how many years ago our losses occurred, but life will feel differently as you find strength in the days ahead.

For those of you not new to this, it makes my heart glad to see that you are still nurturing those that find their lives so shattered as we all have, that you are here for them to help them piece it all together again. Bless you,

Dee

[ericasmom]

Hello Everyone,

My name is Dee, I have not been here for a long while, time making life more manageable and I keep extremely busy here at school teaching 3rd grade. My girl Erica, for those that do not know me, was killed in July of 2003 when an Amtrak hit her car at a broken light. It was broken for 11 months, just a fuse, a simple fuse that someone just didn;t figure was vital. The loss is like the loss for all of you, it is shocking and complete, it is devastating, it is the saddest event in the world. Erica lived in Kalamazoo Michigan with my son, Jon, when she was killed. She was 19.

So to those of you new to this grief, I wish you never had to find this place, but because you did, I am glad this place exists. I have been helped beyond words because of this site, and I have found strength in the darkest of days because of the wonderful and dedicted people who daily visit the site to cheer you/us on. Once summer comes, I am able to be here more often and listen and support you in your journey. I guess if I have any advice right off the top of my heart...write your feelings down each day, a chronicle of your journey is actually useful to many, it allows you to look back and see the steps you have taken as you find your way. You will be amazed at the many ways you find strength through these days,months, years. We are all facing hard times, no matter how many years ago our losses occurred, but life will feel differently as you find strength in the days ahead.

For those of you not new to this, it makes my heart glad to see that you are still nurturing those that find their lives so shattered as we all have, that you are here for them to help them piece it all together again. Bless you,

Dee

[mattewmess]

Dear Terri,

I was sorry to hear about Josh. I know what you mean. After Matt's suicide I was told to have the entire family evaluated for mood disorders and suicidal thinking. In general, everyone is OK, we all have our issues, but now I worry about another suicide - something I never worried about before regarding my kids. I had worried about accidents, drugs, alcohol, breakups, etc. Of course, grief increases my anxiety over anything. But my daughter was contemplating suicide just shortly after he died and I understood that because I did too. It has been just over 6 months.  Recently, my daughter, Meg, has been dating a lovely young man and is in love and feeling better, so I am soaking in all their joy when I am around them and am very aware of how I am feeling and acting, I don't want to rain on her parade in any way. My son has a lovely girlfriend too. But underneath, I am scared. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I so wish that we knew more about mental illness. I work with children and feel so inadequate in so many ways because our knowledge and our choices for treatment are so limited. I just bought a huge book on the brain, the brain is just so beyond our understanding. It is always good to hear from you. Take good care, Terry

[simonsmam]

Kathy... Just wanted to say that I will be thinking of you whilst your husband is in hospital and you have a diagnosis. The phrase 'being strong' springs to mind again.

To All..I also wanted to send special thoughts to  you all especially those who face some special dates this month.

Love Avril  xxx

[mikesmomrs]

Mikesmum:  hope all went at least as well as it could today in court...such a terrible thing that you even have to be there...will be thinking of you.

love and peace,

carol

[mamabets]

For summersgirl~ Anxious to hear how your hubby is doing, Kathy!! Update us when you can, OK??

LOVE

mamabets

 

 

[mamabets]

For heathershope~ I am so very sorry to be meeting you under these circumstances...My 25 year old son, Danny, left this world in June of 2004. He was in an accident, no one really knows exactly what happened, and the painful details really did not matter when his end was here. We know his "truth", he "saw" his light, and the one way ticket into his eternity began a safe place called HOME for many of us... He has us completely covered and we know who we are...

He was, and still is, an amazing angel...Aren't they all??? Look at how they have all gathered in their new world "beyond", to somehow create a place like this so we can  try to find one another, as we seek some sort of hope and comfort, if only in small dosages, as we start those baby steps again??

My kids' best friend's name is Heather. My Jackie is 14 months younger than Danny, and Heather has been a tremendous friend to ALL of us for many years...

LOVE

mamabets

[summergirl]

mamabets - yes I am sorry, I misread the name - mamabets and mammaberts are close so I am sorry. I do not often find anything but strength in your posting so was suprised when I read it but glad that I misread it.

My husband still cannot stand or walk and they now have him on the cardiac floor with a heart monitor as he was having bad chest pains last night so they are watching him carefully. They know about Jessica so they are being extra cautious as even though it was a rare condition Jess had it can also be hereditary. I am weary in mind and body but I am trying hard to keep the faith and spirit up for Barry as well as Tavian. How much can one person endure? I know that I need to be strong but right now I just want to sit down and have a good cry - I am afraid if I start to cry I might not stop and I cannot let myself go there. Tomorrow if all goes well through tonight they will do the MRI with dye and if nothing shows on that they will do a spinal tap. I feel so helpless and all I want is answers, find out what is wrong, fix him and send him home to me and Tavian!!!!!!!!!!!! I will keep all of you informed as best I can.

Thank you for all of your support and prayers - I do not know what I would do without all of you. This site is such a blessing - it is so good to share and be heard.

Little one is falling asleep so I must put him to bed - he says he has to sleep on pop-pop's side of the bed and hold my hand so I won't be scared - such a little man although I know it is he who needs me to hold his hand or maybe he is right and I do need him to hold my hand - children are such blessings. 

Love and Peace to all - Love, Kathy   

[ericasmom]

Hey Kathy,

just want to tell you that I am praying for your husband to recover completely and get back home to you and Tavian. Too much in so little time, our family was hit hard in similar ways after Erica died. Hang tight, your girl is watching over everyone and you will carry each other through this storm.

May you all sleep well tonight and each.

dee

[mikesmum]

To one and all - Thank you so much for your thoughts and wishes as I went off to 'slay the dragon' at court. 

Wouldn't you know it, the insurer for my company wasn't ready.  You see, it started out that I wasn't logged into the system ergo - not working.  Then it was 'you haven't got PTSD your just a sad mummy cause your boy died', then after their star psych had to disagree with them.....theysay it really isn't any different than being told your child died while you were out shopping!!!!definitely not work related stress!!!

Goodness I would give you all their email address - think many here would disagree with their theory, since everyone here has a story to tell of how much of their life has altered and how.  But that might get messy!!  

Suprisingly, most of all to me, I came thru pretty much okay.  Rescheduled to be heard on 31st March.  Funny, on the way home (2 1/2 hr drive) I swear Mike was with me, saying thank goodness you didn't wear the skirt - such a waste!

Kathy - know that you are in my thoughts and my energy is winging its way to you.....Mike and Jess, look out for Kathy, Barry and Tavian.  There truly is just so much one can endure, and one needs time to recover between each trial in this life...Might mention that to the powers that be.......

Hold tight to Tavians hand, he seems to know he has the power to heal Mi Mi's worries.  Wish Barry all the best from down under......tell him not to forget to smile during the MRI........(old radiology joke)! 

Take care all who visit, you really have no idea how powerful you are as individuals and as a collective  that light the way for those who find themselves here......

Trudi

 

[mamabets]

For summergirl~ Oh, how I admire those that "go back to work"...I have all I can do to breathe and get to doctors appointment, every other month ,sometimes longer stretches, sometimes shorter!! I have a fabulous team of people that help me, and know me, better than I KNOW ME!!!!!

Danny knew me unlike any other....Poor Jackie, picking up all of his pieces for all of us...

Caroline turns "1" on the 13th...What a happy household this will be, as we celebrate her via Wisconsin!!!!!! She is such a funny baby, so full of life, and loves beyond love....To know that she knew Danny before we did is so comforting. She will do little things that assure Jackie that she knows him.....Julia will be 9 in June...Hardly seems possible. She talks about her Uncle all of the time.

Below is a picture of Caroline's party dress!! Julia's will match, just s little different!! It is going to be a "POLKA DOT" party!!!!

I am just coming off of a terrible stretch. From where it hit, I do not know, and it was as unexpected as anything. I just wanted to find a way that I could run away from life... How familiar does that sound???

PLEASE keep us posted on Barry, OK???? I am praying for all...

LOVE

mamabets

 

[heartbeataway]

mamabets,

The dress is adorable!  And the party idea precious! 

I hope your "stretch" is coming to an end.  I so know what you're talking about. I've been in one myself.

Sometimes it seems nothing really matters and life is one day after another of "why"?

Take care. Someone in Texas wishes you well.

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie