Loss of an Adult Child

[4everjoeysmom]

Trudi, thinking of you today with a tender heart...  HUGS, Claudia

[bigmikesmom]

Mikesmum, How awesome that you had that dream.I believe that was truly your son speaking to you. I am so happy for you that you were able to experiece that. Hold onto that, write it down, exactly as it was and read it every morning so you can relive it each day. Your letter to your son was full of your feelings. Keep talking about Mike and your feelings. I do that, when I can, even if it is too myself and my counselor, and now that I found BI, I can share with people who truly understand. GOD bLESS YOU!

pATTI-BigMikesMom    (so many Mike's)

[mikesmomrs]

Mikesmum:  I hope that you were able to find moments of peace as you passed through the moments and hours of Mike’s angel date, with feeling Mike around you.  I do believe that your dream was a visit from Mike, especially with his angel date coming up so close to the dream…I have heard that when we have a “visit” it seems so very real, vs a “dream” is the usual “strange things happening” type of experience…and it definitely sounds as though yours was a “visit.”  I am so glad that you found some peace from it, and hope that it stays with you over time, and I agree that you should write it all down before you forget even a second of it. 

 

Colleen:  I pray also that your daughter will be able to reach out to you and allow you both to provide strength to each other as you move through this bumpy journey.  I believe that your dream of Eric was his way of showing you that he is trying to bridge the pain between your and your daughter and bring the two of you together again. 

I am so glad that you and your husband were able to comfort each other on your sweet one’s angel date.

 

Debbie:  I think there are many of us here who are either in the beginning or passing through this second year that comes at us like a fireball at times, burning through our hearts and searing our very souls with ever more pain.  Through this comes days now and then of sweet memories, made sweeter with the passage of time?  Sometimes my brain is flooded with them, and my heart beats once more, and for a while I don’t fear the night, even if only for a little while.  I do hope that you are eventually able to reach out to your new coworker and offer her strength and compassion.  I have longed for a coworker to say something compassionate to me…over this 15 months I’ve not heard a word from 12 of the 13 I work with.  The one is a woman who has helped me through so wonderfully.  She had recently lost an aunt to whom she was very close, and also her grandmother, whom she just adored.  Her grief was fresh and raw, but she still reached out to me and provided me with knowledge and comfort.  I’ve not had a single word from anyone else, and how nice it would be to hear someone say “You must miss him, I am so sorry.”  I don’t think it’s that they don’t care…I truly think it’s just that they are afraid, or they just don’t know what to say, so they don’t say anything.  And of course, you know the tales of my bosses, both of them living in a world of unreality and lacking of any concern for their employees.  The things these two have said have shown me that they speak from  some strange place lacking of feelings or compassion, not from fear or ignorance of what to actually say. 

 

Lorismom: thank you for the truly beautiful poem.  I will print it out and keep it close by.  It speaks, I think, of what we all know and feel in our hearts. 

 

Luvumichael:  Please know that we are all sending strength and love to you, to help you through these dark days of confusion and pain. 

 

love and peaceful moments to all

carol  mikesmomrs

[mikesmomrs]

Claudia:  Please know that I think of you often--  I wondered how your trip home went...it likely was of many mixed feelings with it being your first time back since Joey's accident.  I hope things went well...likely so many things were bittersweet, but I know that it must have been so awesome to see Patrick again, and see his new house, and visit with him.  Hopefully the blessings of your visit outweighed the sorrow you must have felt returning to the place of Joey's accident.  I know that your visit with Patrick was worth everything.   

It seems a long time since we first reached out and emailed each other, and yet it seems like yesterday.  thank you so much for reaching out and sending strength. 

Betsy--your love and friendship mean so much...your support is just awesome, and yes, I do believe that all of our angels are together, and have brought us together. 

love and hugs.

carol  mikesmomrs

[mamabets]

For All~ It is Friday night and I am so thankful for all of you here...Danny and I used to just blab and blab and blab on the phone every Friday night..While we would chat each and every day, 4, sometimes 5 times a day, Friday nights seemed to be the times that we would solve all of the problems in our worlds...

Only to have so many of them appear continuously~

I do get a source of comfort knowing that he is so removed from his...He was way, way, way to dear for this world. Where he is now is so forever kind to him, and I KNOW, with every ounce of my being, that our angels are all together, preparing our eternities...

We will be with them again, and until then, know that they are closer to us than they ever were before, just differently.

LOVE

mamabets

[mikesmum]

Grandbabies, you have to love them.   We were together for Emily's (9) family birthday.  Mikes brother Steven, his sister Melissa, nephews Zak and Caleb, neice Jeya made up the numbers. It was raining, just as it did last year when Mike died.

We had mauve and pearl helium balloons to release, our memorial to Mike.  Caleb (4) sent his off first, there were things to do.  Each of us with our own silent message sent ours of together.  Hugs all round and we continued inside with Em's celebration.....

Zak was still outside......watching the balloons rise up and up.  After awhile I asked what he was doing.....he said I'm waiting to see if Mike gets his balloon.......

Such innocent unending love.........hope you got your balloon Mike.

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Carol,  Thanks you so much for your thoughtful message, and the e-mail you sent me a bit ago.  I truly am sorry I have not responded yet, but fully do intend to.  I've had guests here from our North Carolina home town and church over the past 9 days.  It has been a wonderfully blessed and busy time.  They departed this morning for their return home.  Before they arrived I had spent a couple of weeks cleaning everything up around here, as my husband didn;t seem to find much interest in doing any of that while I was gone for 7 weeks on my vacation woth my family on the States.  That didn't allow me much time to breathe after i returned, nor to answer any messages at length.  I certainly have a mini book to write to you.. 

I am very excited for you about your move and your retirement.  I know that too is a bittersweet time, but i do believe you are coming into many blessings for the sacrifices you are making, and I do belive Mike would be so very, very pleased that a result of your downsizing, your stress levels also will be reduced, and his dad's health may improve as a string result.  That is my prayer.  Sending HUGS for now, Claudia

[summergirl]

Hello to all - Tavian had a his best friend over for a sleep over last night so I didn't get a chance to post - having two 5 and a half year olds in the house can keep you distracted and make you weary to say the least. They slept downstairs in the "tent bed" or at least they were supposed to - Tavian ended up in our room about 4am and so I got up to go to Tavian's room and Damien (his friend) was in his bed so I ended up in the "tent bed" - had to laugh! They both had quite a giggle to find me sleeping there this morning!! Tonight Tavian is sleeping over at Damien's and quite excited as Damien has bunk beds and now that is what he wants. I talked to my husband about it as it is hard for me and I wonder if I am being selfish - you see Jessica bought Tavian's bed the month before she left us, it was ordered and it did not arrive until a week after her Angel date so she never got to see him in it, she had bought the comforter, sheets, pictures, shelves and paint to redo his room in the apartment so when the bed arrived I did his room here as she was going to do. I look at all the stuff she picked out, including the "big boy bed" as she called it and I do not ever want to replace it with anything else - yet he is almost six and I know how exciting it is to have bunk beds and it would be easier when his friends come for an overnight - I just don't know what to do with this one - I have no other bedroom to put it in as when the kids moved out we converted one bedroom into an office. Anyway I am rambeling and I guess I will figure it out - I could put it in storage at mother-in-laws but my heart is heavy thinking about taking it out of the house. 

The other night I had a dream that I was building miniture houses and kept tearing them down and rebuilding them as they were never right - I think that it is how I feel about my life now, I keep trying to rebuild it yet it never feels right without my precious Jessica here so I keep trying to build over and over again - I am so weary of this walk, there are days I cannot stop crying and then I find that it has been several days since I have cried and I wonder about that, how can I go days without crying?? Jessica was and is the light of my life, such a wonderful daughter in every way and now I will never have that Mother - Daughter relationship again and I hate that.

All of your postings give me strenght and I am thankful to all of you for being here no matter what time or day it is - I know that I can always come here to "talk the talk" with all of you and that is a blessing.

Hugs and Prayers to all - Kathy 

[mikesmum]

Kathy - Ah the days of bed roulette!  While the bunks may seem exciting for Tavian, for sleepovers another option might be a trundle - slips underneath the existing bed.

The days without tears - I find these be a sign that most of what my brain/heart couldn't grasp in the days, weeks, months after Mike left has found somewhere to be.  They still come, less frequently, replaced in the most part by silent thought and heavy sighs.  The building and rebuilding, well I am no shrink but for 11 months after Micheal died I dreamt about  Jan 18th.  It starts the same, but the way it unfolds is different....my psych tells me the subconscious tends to try and fix things for us while we sleep.  Even now I rework the whatifs constantly - I guess its part of the wanting to take back what we have lost.

Enjoy sleeping back in your bed while Tavian has his sleepover!!

Blessed be - Trudi

[mamabets]

For summergirl~ Someone said to me once that each tear shed is a "diamond of love" after losing a child...

I remember when the Tsunami hit...I said to my husband..."My God, I have cried that river, Dean!!!"

I hold on to these diamonds, and try to see Danny's AWESOME smile when I start to weep so hard... I let all of the tears flow, knowing that our relationship is just as sacred as it ever was, and that life will never be able to do to our angels, what was once done here to all of us~

And then there is our Pip, who departed with her little Kieran..I just have no answers, where there are none to be found...

There is a love between a mother and her child that speaks so many volumes. Please, always remember that Jess has the deepest love for you, still..This is why you hurt so much missing her....She will be beside you each and every step of your way in such a pure form, guiding you, and catching you, as you make each twist and turn on this journey.

Words mean so very little when the knife is cutting through the heart...But, I do believe that there is a very thin veil that separates us from our angels...Just like the veil that separates all of us here.We are all HERE together, just in a new and different sort of way~ Had this never happened to all of us, we wouldn't have found one another.

I would be lost without all of you~ Your never ending courage continues to give me strength.

LOVE

mamabets

[namarella]

This past week felt like an emotional field of landmines...with Eric’s two-year angel date on Monday, our grandson’s birthday (and the day we buried Eric) on Saturday, our daughter’s birthday on Sunday.  My daughter and grandson are living abroad and we hadn’t seen them on skype since October (their internet service was down), so I was getting anxious to make that connection again.  We finally did connect yesterday, on my daughter’s birthday, and I could see my grandson eating a poppyseed muffin all those 11,000 miles away.  Oh, how I miss him!  Though my daughter won’t mention her brother, I suspect this week has been hard on her, too, with a flood of memories.  We plan to go see them in mid-May and I’m hoping something can open up between us to allow us both to continue healing.    

Carol, I know what you’re saying about people at work (and elsewhere in our lives) not mentioning our children to us; they’re afraid of saying the wrong thing, of making us sad again.  Broken legs heal over time, but losing my son is more like an amputation...I feel like I’m missing a leg and everyone’s pretending that it’s still there, though I know I’m limping on an artificial leg.  Eventually, I may even be able to run on it, but this loss isn’t something that magically goes away.  I still find myself looking out to Eric’s room, hoping I’ll see the light on; I can almost see him walking with his long, bouncing stride down the sidewalk; hear his voice in my mind.  

Claudia, I also look forward to hearing more about your visit back home with Patrick, how that all went - I’ve been thinking of you.  And Trudi, our sons’ angel dates are only 4 days apart...I’m sure those balloons got to Mike and made him smile.  Your dream about Mike made me smile - I’ve had connections like that, too, and they make my day a little easier.  Blessed be to everyone, Colleen

[summergirl]

Trudi - yes bed roulette - I cannot get a trundle bed as the bed Jessica bought has 4 drawers beneath it as it gave her more room for storage so, it is keep it or switch it, no options. Tavian had a great time at his sleep over but was clingy last nite - gets that way sometimes.

Mamabets- thank you for your words - yes Jessica had and has the deepest love for me as I do for her. She could light up the room just by walking in it. At her funeral her friends were given the chance to say something and her friend Rob said in eighth grade that went to Washington DC for the school trip and his t-shirt got wet so Jessica let him borrow one of hers, it was purple - he said he never forgot it as he was then the coolest kid in eighth grade that whole year because he got to wear Jessica's t-shirt!! Jessica was very popular, but with everyone because she treated everyone the same, she hung out with all. Jessica just had a way of touching everyone she met, she was always laughing and enjoyed life so much. One day she called me from work and said her and Tavian were taking a road trip to Maryland to see her cousin, needed to get away for a couple of days - I freaked as she was leaving right after work at 5 and had to drive through the city in the dark etc. - but off she went and had a great time. So much energy, spirit and spontanaity - how I miss that along with a hundred thousand other things.

Colleen - I just tonight told my husband that "I guess people feel as though enough time has passed that I am now okay and no one needs to call and see how I am or ask me if I need company" - you are right, it is like having a leg or arm amputated and everyone tries to ignore it - I just keep reminding myself that "unless you walk in my shoes" - such a hole in my heart but I will continue to survive and get stronger for Tavian and myself - Jessica will guide me through the days as no one else can. My love for her is so strong and the missing her is so painful, unlike any pain I have ever felt and never want to feel again. I am blessed to have all of you as friends and your postings ans strength help carry me through.

Little one is waiting for me to put him to bed so I must go. Love, Peace and Hugs to all - Kathy   

[mamabets]

For namerella~ MY GOD...You hit it right on the head when you say that you feel like a part of you has been amputated...

I have said so many times that he HARDEST adjusment has been trying to get used to the fact that 1/2 of me is still here, trying to function, and the other 1/2 of me absolutely "left" here when Danny did.

LOVE

mamabets

[mikesmum]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8Hr7Z1rSOQ&feature=related

Found this link under Loss of a Child.  It relates to a song about a young child dying of cancer.  The words, music and sentiment are reflective of different times in our childrens lives where we seek help from a higher power.

"warning - tears will flow. But it is so poignant"

 

[daveydow1]

 

 Mikesmum,

    That is a beautiful song/video. I think everyone here relates to

   it---no matter the different time, ages, and situation.  Thank you

   for sharing it.   I haven't been on BI lately, but my heart is still here,

   and with all of you, my friends.

                                                   Daveysmom,   Sherry

[summergirl]

Hello to all - bad day today - total melt down so just wanted to stop by and say hello before I try to turn my brain off and get some sleep. Hugs, Prayers and Peace to all - Kathy

The picture is of Jessica and Tavian, it was Jessica's 25th birthday and Tavian was so excited about the "little cake with one candle"  Miss you sooooooooooo much my Jessica - love mom.

[mikesmum]

Kathy - Another precious moment!  Sorry to hear about the 'bad day', I know they never seem to leave us completely.  They ambush without warning now and are just as ferocious as they were in the beginning.

To all - BI has changed dramatically for me in these past months.  The one thing that drew me here was phenomenal wealth of support from so many.  Messages of encouragement, prayers and hugs all part of this.  The beauty of this site was the unconditional acceptance of each individual, without prejudice.   It was a place where I could speak about the death of my beloved Micheal without restraint. Be understood without a word!  

Some how that has changed.  In this site I have yet to find a posting in the general forums that have been critical of another or fails to acknowledge the pain of those who post, still the site now seems divided.    I acknowledge the power of prayer.  The sharing of teachings and beliefs to heal the hearts and souls of those who have lost is truly to be respected.  I believe I do.

However, I believe it would be such a loss to many who join the journey here if the experiences of loss and grieving were shared only on one specific thread based on whether someone is a 'Christian'.  Whether one has a strong faith/ belief or not, each one of us came here to find answers, strength and kindred spirits drawn together by a life shattering loss ………Please continue to support each other with out fear, it means so much to the many that wander into this place that has so much to offer.

Blessed be…….Trudi

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Trudi and All,  I've been coming to BI for going on a year and a half now, and I have shared my journey across many, many threads, whether related to child loss or loss of a parent, spuse or whatever.  I have shared my heart, and I have received such loving support and compassion on many threads.  But there also have been many, many times when I have posted relevant issues and my healing as such due to my particular faith-based journey that were very specific, and my commentary was not always welcome, and I in fact have been chastized and somewhat attacked verbally with differeing religious or non-religious views and so forth.  I have been accused of "preaching" and suggesting that everyone should "do it the way I am", and so on.  It may not appear that on general threads there is this clash, but there is, because I have personally and numerous times experienced it.  And frankly, when that happened, I felt even more isolated and alone in my journey.  Everyone wanted to hear about my "general" journey, but many don't care to hear how my faith is specifically healing me along my journey.  And the two things are intertwined, connected, and cannot be separated, no matter how much I would want to try to disocciate faith from healing, etc.  Most of us have a general desire to pray, be spiritual, and share spiritual insights.  But for the Christian, it goes much, much deeper than that, and that is where the division and dissention begins.  Not all Christians share on such a deep level.  But i am in ministry full time, and my journey is very challenging and complicated further by my vocation.  I need very much to be able to express my pain, my grief, my journey, my healing, and other issues pertaining to a life now lived beyond loss and grief in a format that does not come against me personally for the issues I may be facing, very faith-based, in which I too need an incredible amount of understanding, support and comfort.  There are many others who feel the way I do as well.  It is a NEED in our faith-based journey to fond like-minds and hearts to journey with, just as many of us cannot find that at home, within our families, social circles or whatever, and so we are drawn here.  Creating a place where like-minds and hearts can join together to share in faith "openly" is not stemmed from a desire to separate ourselves from the rest of the grieving world.  I would LOVE to be able to grieve openly in my faith and heal openly sharing the measures and source of my healing with everyone in a general setting.  But MY reality is that it is not possible.  I've tried for a long time.  And as long as I can "keep it light" everyone else is ok.  Well, truthfully, that doesn't work for me.  I accept that people need to have avenues that speak to their faiths, their personal philosophies and so forth, and I do not at all condemn that or feel personal rejection or division from those that NEED to go into a forum that gives them the most comfort they can possibly receive, or at least feel that they can possibly receive.  I am happy that anyone and everyone can find that special and needed connection.  My desire is that each one of us could find that.  And for me specifically, it isn't about looking to see who left one forum to go to another, so much as it is about being happy fo rthem that they may have found that perfect place that they NEED to find the most comfort and healing based on their very unique and often faith-based needs.  Communities are built on the web, like here on BI, just like in our backyards and townships.  We get attached to and find comfort in relationships with our neighbors, and sometimes even find a connection that feels more like family than a friend.  But reality in the world is that people will always move in and out of communities, and we will miss them and maybe even feel pain as we wave so-long with the promise to visit soon.  Whether folks continue to visit their former communities and remain part of multiple communities all factors into whatever is necessary for living, moving onward with life and so forth.  It is NOT a personal decision made to say "I don't like this community anymore".  It's just a decision of exploring other communities where I might feel more at home so that I too can open up in the springtime and find a new blossom.

Please don't take it so personally that there is a new community on BI that people are finding their way to.  It was not created to deduct anything from your journey.  It was created swo that others. like me, can have as much fullness from their grief and healing journey as anyone has a right to.  Please let's not turn this into a negative.  This web site has much to offer people in many walks of life through their journey, and the Christian travelers deserve no less.  I can;t speak for everyone, but I know there is a lot of love and compassion felt for each one here, and in many forums/communities that we visit.  I personally still post from time to time on the various threads, because I want to stay in touch with others who even though they may not appreciate my journey in faith, they may appreciate my journey in healing.  But even then I have to walk with caution so I mindfully separate the two.  It's ok to do that sometimes, but it is not ok to have to do that all the time.  And so, with utmost sincerity, I respect everyone here for the hard journey we all have to endure.  I respect everyone for the ability to reach beyond one's own grief to comfort another.  And I truly respect that we can grow to a point to realize that all of us have very specific needs to be met.  Thank God and this website that there are communities for each of us to have the fullness of that.

Blessings for comfort and peace be ith each of you thsi day, and always, Claudia

[mamabets]

For mikesmum~ I am a spiritual person...VERY...I do not, nor ever would speak of something or a place that I have not yet been to...Danny held my hand as he entered his "new world", called Heaven, I suppose...I have not yet been there, was not sitting beside anyone who wrote a bible, yet I walk a very good, kind, walk, and I KNOW that there is another side for those that do the same. To deny the obvious signs that Danny has shown to me would be cruel... There is clearly a world beyond here...A perfect world.

Danny is my God, and I follow him, as he is with me every step of my way!!! He is in perfect harmony and partnership with all of the good guys on the other side, gals included!!!

The bad ones don't get in!

Peace be with you when you can grab it, and take baby steps...

LOVE

mamabets

 

 

 

[momgran]

Claudia:  I so completely understand where you’re coming from.  I am not a ‘Christian’ but I do believe that those with strong Christian beliefs do need to share with other like-minded people.  As with any belief system.  So I do see how having a separate thread to share with people who feel as you do about your grief and loss would be a great comfort.  I do, however, think that on a general thread it’s best not to get too deeply into our personal spiritual beliefs, especially in a way that might ‘alienate’ those who aren’t like minded.  I believe all humans, because we are all so unique, have very unique spiritual views.  The basis of many of  our beliefs have a common thread, but the dogma that differentiates the belief systems can often be contentious.  For example, a person with Atheistic views would find absolutely no comfort in hearing about life in ‘heaven’ or the ‘hereafter’ so this person would need to speak with those with the same views to find philosophical ways of healing.  To an Atheist, speaking of heaven and angels would be no more comforting than hearing stories about the Easter Bunny! I find nothing more irritating than when I express my beliefs and someone who doesn’t share my beliefs says ‘you just don’t get it, do you!”.  The arrogance in that remark is just overwhelming!  It was said to me just a couple of weeks ago.

 

A sad but real truth is that religious views can become something that separates us as humans instead of uniting and when this begins to happen, then there is something drastically wrong!  Acceptance, tolerance, kindness, and humility are very important as a means of keeping peace in our society and between all of us who share here.  We love and need each other so desperately!! 

 

I can’t thank you all enough for the love and support you’ve given me over the past 15 months.

Love Peace and Patience

 

Debbie

[4everjoeysmom]

Debbie,  Thank you!  I believe we can have both to some degree.  While I have a need to relate to like-minded and hearted in the faith-based issues, I have no issues with sharing in the general format when I can "keep it light".  On the flip side things are said in general threads that I so way cannot even begin to relate to--and so I move on.  I agree that this particular general thread is not the place where "deep" faith issues can be agreed upon by every participant, which is why there is definitely a need for that in another thread.  Thanks for understanding.  I wish it were a perfect world now with peace among all.  My faith does speak of that place, in a New Earth.  It's unfortunate that until there is this peace-filled world, we have to do what we need to do to find our strength and comfort.  We have no other choice, as most of us in the world as we know it don't find it in the same place...  (sigh)    

[momgran]

If only we can find some beauty in our differences.  Like finding beauty in something that could be perceived as ugly.  In my life experience the truest words I've ever heard were the one's sung by the Beatles, "All you need is Love'.

 

And I do believe peace in our world is possible.    Just not in our lifetime, but we are the ones to pass the ball to the next generation.

[4everjoeysmom]

I definitely find beauty in everyone's uniqueness.  I think most of us here do.  It's what we do and don't believe, and what we do and don't agree on that makes it difficult to jump the hurdle into ultimate peace and beauty.

Love is an intersting topic.  Is love really "all" we need?  My personal answer to that has to come from experience.  I would say it depends on the source of the love.  For example, Love isn't all that is necessary between my husband and I.  Because we are unique, we require to give one another patience, some latitude, forgiveness, and we have to truly work at staying in love.  For any of us that have been divorced, was love enough to sustain our marriages?  For my children, I love them the closest to unconditional as any person could.  But is it enough for me to just love them?  Is it enough for them to just love me?  Or is it that I must also incorporate moral teachings and wisdom, and they must incorporate obedience.  It all could be considered "part of loving" to include these things as well, for everyone's well-being.  But I also have heard the saying love is blind.  In my young life I loved someone so much I allowed him to abuse and walk all over me.  I barely survived.  I guess that's where that statement came from.  In my faith it is said Love conquers all.  But again, it refers to the source of the love, in that this particularly is referring to God's love, which is perfect.

I just found that intersting...  the thought chain after reading "All We Need Is Love".  But here, the greatest act of love is to share our beautiful children, and to comfort one another, where even in some of our homes and circle of closest friends love is not enough.  We need to feel understood and connected to others who know our pain...   

[bigmikesmom]

Hi Everyone,

I do not, for a minute, doubt that everyone on this site cares and loves everyone else because of the "bond we share-death on this earth of our children. See, I even had a hard time writing a word to describe what happened to our precious children. Some may believe it is death, no heaven, Some may believe you enter the next level of existing, Some may believe you are dead period end of story.etc. I do believe , like has been stated, it is difficult to separate dealing with grief from my basic belief. I need help dealing with my grief and need to talk to other people who understand grief from my same point of belief. It is not easy for any of us, to deal with this grief, to say the least, but I need to work on my grief through my belief or religious point of view.I can't become more confused about anything else. I respect all of you and do care about all of you, anyone going through this is my hero that they can get up each day and go forward. I believe that God is holding me up, just like in the picture "footprints in the sand" I believe it is God who made me , in his image and wants me to be the best person I can be. I believe Jesus died on the cross for our sins and I believe that I will see Mike again and be with God, my family and friends in Heaven for everlasting life. I know people will question that, as I do myself at times not that this is TRUE but How does this all take place. That is what I originally asked Claudia, because I have to admit before Mike's entering eternal life, I didn't read the bible much. I am Catholic, I attended mass on Sundays ,went to Catholic schools etc. I prayed over the phone with Mike's soccer coach and again accepted the Lord as my saviour. I still go to Catholic mass and church. I do not believe there is  is only one religion. I do believe there is ONLY ONE GOD. How we develop a relationship with Jesus is personal, your belief. I believe it is "Faith" that gets me through this time and my whole life, without it I would not be the person that I am. I believe you have to do more than be a good person and love, that's a huge part of it but #1 is having a relationship with God and asking Him to come into your life and guide me and letting Him know I TRUST  HIM and this is the hard part, I accept HIS WILL,(I have not gotten to "acceptance yet about Mike's death on this earth)and Hope THAT I WILL SEE MIKE AGAIN. These beliefs, I want to strengthen and learn more about therefore I love that there is a site to go too, that I can talk to other Christians and I know there are there "helping me live the life I am supposed too and walk the walk" I still read everyones comments on the other sites, because it makes me realize I am not going crazy because all of you are having the same feelings, in the loss of our children but I need the Christian site to help me "get back into life" and get back into it a stronger person than I was before.I know God still has something He wants me to do. I can't stay home in my pajamas the rest of my life. I am thankful for all sites just different. I need to work through this grief, so I can start functioning in life. I will do that with God's help, I have to be patient.

I hope this made sense. Thanks for listening.

God Bless !

Patti "BigMike'sMom

[daniellemom]

Patti,

I have been missing you. I sent a message on another thread for you, it was one day last week. I'm so glad to see your post. I've been thinking and praying for you.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[loveyoujustin]

Hi Patti, it's Trish.  I agree, and I'm happy to hear from you too.  And Daniell's Mom, thanks for wanting to know Justin.  It means alot.  I am not great with computers either, my daughter and her boyfriend actually created and continue to work on Justin's site.  I have to go.  As Always, Peace and Love to all of you!

www.justinscottwagnermemorialfund.com

[mikesmum]

Hey Micheal Shane - Thought I had been doing better then without warning a thought enters my mind that takes me down.  Today has been one of those days.  Waking early after going to sleep very very very late, I couldn't shake the thought that there was something about today.  No appointments, no commitments it was odd.  It hit me about 5am. It is one year since your funeral.  The last time I saw your face, touched your hand and whispered my goodbyes for the last time.  I have a very poor memory of the day - one thing I do remember though, you seemed at  peace.   

I have a copy of your service and played it today.   It was like I was seeing it for the first time.   Uncle Bill stood with me as we spoke of your life.........Lauren spoke on behalf of Melissa, unable to speak through the tears.  Emily spoke on behalf of the nieces and nephews, short, sweet and full of emotion. Zak came to the podimum to give Granma a cuddle and be with Emily. The words are on your memorial, part of how we honour your life. 

As the service ended, I was escorted out first by the funeral director.  Watching the chapel empty I noticed Steven Melissa Uncle Bill Kelly Jeremy and all the grandbabies were still sitting.  They stayed, not wanting to leave you alone............I didn't know, or I would have stayed too...................Leaving you was not something any of us felt we could do. 

Mike, I know you are around me, most likely can hear me and see me......so many things tell me so.  The brilliant white light dream stays with me forever.  In my heart I know the time from now till I see you again for you will be but a heart beat......for me it seems to be forever.    You stay in my heart forever, your life entwined in mine........

I love you Micheal Shane, my son my son

[mikesmum]

Sherrie - (Bills momma)  Thank you for visiting Micheals memorial it truly is a place where I get to share the boy, the man & the person that is my son.

I haven't seen you posting recently.  I hope you are finding your way each day on this unpredictable journey.  My thoughts and energies go out to you.....

Blessed be  Trudi

[mamabets]

For mikesmum~ The skies are bigger and brighter with the celebration of your sweet Michael. It does not make it any easier here, for the pain runs so, so, so deep....Faith helps, however it can never remove the pain, for in doing that, it would then be a perfect world. This journey here proves that it is not, yet a faith in knowing that our angels are alive in a perfect form can make believers of us all. What I once believed to be, I now know to be, and as always, thank my sweet Danny for this. He is as magical as ever, just differently and more perfectly...

I have often said "I could not be doing this here, Danny, if I didn't have you there"

There, is everywhere, and the answers are nowhere...By the time we get to where they are, the answers will not be needed.

Knowing that Mike is in a place of pure perfection, with all of our angels, can comfort you, and as time goes on, the level of this pain softens. However, you no longer think that the "torture" of missing them has ceased when...SLAM. It does not last as long, and it does not happen as often. The worst pain in the world is often replaced by the wonderful memories thast you have shared. I so admire you for bringing your pained heart to a place where you hope to get to this place. You will, my friend, you will.

LOVE

mamabets

[4everjoeysmom]

BIG HUGS, Trudi.  Your recount of the day was so vivid.  My heart wept for you...  I hope and pray that extra blessingsof comfort will find you today.  Love, Claudia

[momgran]

Trudi:  My heart was with you as you described the day you bid farewell to your precious Michael!  I've been pretty calm for this past week and I know that under the surface the pain lingers and when you took me to that place I wept for you and your families' grieving hearts.  Your post also helped me realise how cleansing and comforting it is to actually write to our departed babies.  I would like to share a letter I wrote to my precious Pippa in March last year.  Only 4 1/2 months after she and little Kieran were killed in that tragic accident.  I read it every now and then and it reminds me of the deep loniness I felt at that time.  I actually wrote it as an email, something I had done almost every day when they lived, and sent it!  It came back, of course, as her email account had been deactivated.

I think I will write to her more often.

Hi Pips,

 

I've been wanting to email you, or pick up the phone and call you for so long now.  I know you can't reply but the need to contact you is so intense I had to write a few words to you.

 

I was looking forward to your call the Sunday night after you were to due to arrive back from Cape Town.  I've been longing to hear how the wedding went and what it was like meeting Richard's extended family.  I'm sure they fell in love with you and Kieran on the spot!  Lyn told me all about the wonderful time you had.  That was really something, you catching the bouquet and Richard the garter.  The Gods are telling you something there, Poodle!  Truly a match made in heaven.  Lyn also told me a lovely story about how she met you and Kieran and what an affectionate child he is and how she fell in love with him.  And how thrilled she was to see Richard happier than he's ever been with you and Kieran in his life.  There you go again!  Bringing sunshine and joy into people's lives.  You just can't help it Pips!  I know why Sunflowers are your favourite...they're very representative of you.  I'll be planting some in my garden this year and they'll be facing towards your light.  Lyn gave me some beautiful photos of you and Richard at the wedding.  They speak volumes of your love and how happy you've been together.  And that adorable photo of Kieran with the guitar the night you arrived.  How he's grown.  I can definitely see that 'cool dude' thing happening there!

 

I miss hearing about your hectic life, Pips.  Your studies, your squash, your golf, your friends, the times you have with Dad and Sue.  I miss that I won't be hearing that Kieran won't be the big boy at school this year but he'll be in the big league now.  Real school.  What will I ever do if I never hear Kieran sing me another song!  Or tell me another tale about a fish he's caught...or about another Batman cake you've made for him.  How I love his adorable South African accent!

 

St. Paddy's day is just around the corner my Darling daughter and I promise I will be raising a pint of Guinness in your honour.  How I wish you were here to share it with me.  I suppose I'll have to wear that huge, silly Irish hat of yours!

 

I can't tell you how proud I am of you.  What a strong, vivacious, courageous mother, daughter, granddaughter, sister, neice, cousin, friend, co-worker and overall asset you've been to us all!  Whatever will we do without you here with us.  And that precious boy.  You gave us all the most amazing gift in Kieran.  It is appropriate that you are together as you were so beautifully bonded together.  You his light and inspiration and he your unexpected gift and saviour.

 

I promise Pippa that one day I will learn to live again.  For now I am going to hurt, and hurt, and hurt.  And I don't want to hear that "Mom, MOM, listen to me...." crap, OK?  Give me some time and I will be here for you.  I will, in time, be able to think of you both without such deep sadness, but with joy and pride and peace!  How I long for that day, my Darlings.  For more than four months now, (yes, that's how long it's been since I last heard from you) I have pored over every photo, every report card, every scrapbook and momento of yours and Kieran's lives and I still cannot believe that you are no longer here with us.  You are very much in my heart and soul and mind and will remain there until I take my last breath.  I suppose this will be the last email I will ever send to you, but I will have an open line to my heart and soul whenever you want to be in touch.

 

I suppose you're pretty busy with Richard these days.  I hope that your love and devotion will heal him, Pips.  He is young and strong and he will get better one day.  I know he misses you both terribly.  Your Dad is looking out for him as well, as you probably know!

 

I love you to bits, my precious little Poodle.  Give that little man my fondest love and kisses and keep him under your wing.

 

Take Care

Mom (Grandma)

XXXXXX

 

Love, Peace and Patience

Debbie

 

 

 

[summergirl]

Debbie - thank you for sharing your e-mail - I too have written to Jessica many times, I keep a journal and when I go back and look at some of the things I have written I am amazed at how many steps I have taken forward without even realizing it. Sharing something so special as you have takes my breath away and the tears pour as I read the words - God Bless you.

To all - I have been off a couple days and was kind of amazed when I read all the postings on the "religious" parts of our lives. I have decided no to comment on what is being discussed because I come here to ease my pain, to share how my day or night went, to talk about Tavian, to share with all of you my pain. Before I found this site I cannot begin to tell you how lost I was, familyand friends all going back to their own lives, relatives getting married, babies being born and here I was not wanting to even get out of bed because no one understood how I felt. It was like "ok enough time has passed so Kathy should be back to her old self again" and when they found that not to be true then I got the "looks" - the ones that said "ok, time to move on". Well, I was led to this site and I can say that there have been many times when I was saved by a posting, by one word spoken and I have found that I now can maybe help someone else, when a "new" member comes on it is so heartbreaking to me so I want to do everything I can to help them as I have been helped. I believe that is the reason for this site - to help, to guide, to listen, to talk, to cry, to share, to remember and to be there for each other as no one else can be. 

So thank you all for all the wonderful, heartbreaking, encouraging postings, for making me feel loved and blessed no matter what religion I am or what my beliefs are. Remember, there is a reason we were brought to this site - how many out there are suffering and will never find this site?? I wonder ------

Prayers and Hugs - Peace to all  - Kathy  

[mikesmum]

Debbie, Kathy and Betsy - Thank you for your kind words.   Micheal was a communicator.  He could blur the lines of age, gender, beliefs etc and communicate at various levels.  He was the light in his grandmothers life when she lost her young grandson.  Devstated himself, he managed to find strength to lift his grandmother thru the service and continue to do so for many years on.  He connected with the young children, affected by phsyical and emotional scars bringing them a positive in their short and many times tragic lives. 

For me the loss of Micheal was harder because I could no longer speak with him.  There were times in his last years where our communication begain to break down.  It was the hardest time.  Pride and fear I guess took the place of open and honest.  Thankfully, in the year before he died we came together again.

Then as now the love never left. I 'email' Micheal from here because I truly feel him around me when I am sitting at my desk.  His photo is near me, his candle burns bright, his ashes are here too.  BI I find draws the energies of the loved ones left and in my warped perception this allows the energies of those gone before to find us.......just my thinking....

I have also found this to be the one place where emailing  my son who no longer has a laptop or email account seems normal!!  It also is a very big part of gently allowing me to grieve, heal and grow.......

Debbie - Thank you for sharing your beautiful story, tears flow, "a mother knows".

Blessed be.....Trudi

[4everjoeysmom]

No matter what diffferences, I DO CARE.....  and it's always sad to feel the pain of another mom hurting...  so, for what it's worth, you have been in my thoughts and prayers today...  -Claudia

[shuugar]

/eblogs/morningShow/

[4everjoeysmom]

Shuugar, THANKS for sharing that.  It's a similar message I received after Joey died.  After my son Patrick prayed with us the week of Joey's memorial service God told me very clearly, "You didn't have to choose".  I felt that was His mercy upon me, because both of my sons will eternally live where before there was only one, and who knows?  If Joey would have never gone, maybe Patrick would have never prayed...  Bless you, Claudia 

[lorismom]

For Debbie (momgran) ~ Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful letter to your daughter, Pippa. I, too, cried when I read it. I started writing in a journal soon after losing my daughter in a car accident. It help me a lot in the beginning to put my feelings in writing and to just be able to "talk" to her. Such a rollercoaster of emotions during those early days.........

For All ~ I just want to say how thankful I am for this site and everyone who posts here. And although I don't post very often, I do come here to read everyday and my heart is with all of you.

Love,

Patty

[mamabets]

For All~ I must say that at the end of my day, I am forever amazed at the continuous compassion felt among all of us...

Isn't it amazing, how, at the lowest, most desperate parts of this pain, we all find our way back to each other, reaching out in love and unity??

The amount of openness, caring, honesty and love far outweighs anything else, and I would be so truly lost, if not for each and every one of you...

Claudia, remember when I first signed Joey's beautiful guestbook, only to read the post right before mine from the friend of yours that lives in HUNTERSVILLE, NC?? Who else lived in HUNTERSVILLE, NC, I thought, besides me??

LOL

We even emailed a couple of times, he and I!! How unbelievable was THAT??? Go, Joey!!!!

It was as if Danny and Joey were together saying "Hey guys!!! How cool?? Just like magic, we are all finding each other.. See???"

I remember smiling at this "message of hope and love"

There are no coincidences, especially after losing a child here on Earth...

I call it "losing at life..."

Then, I am quickly reminded of all that they have gained...

How all of you write to our sweet kids is so comforting. I, too, have a library of journals...

I had such a meltdown tonight, weeping uncontrolably, for what seemed like forever... I miss Danny's voice, and my poor husband Dean feels so helpless..His unwavering calm is so glued in the center of my storm.

I then find my way to you, where your strength gathers, to always have and with a gentle and grateful heart, forever hold...

Take a look at this beautiful full bodied angel that is above my niece and her hubby at their wedding, October, 2005... I remember seeing this photo, taken by their photographer, and noticing the green dot. I then saw the entire angel and said "You are with us always, Danny, and YOU marvel at where and how YOU are. I will, for all eternity, be with you every step of your way, honey"

Danny was born 3 weeks before Annie...He used to make her giggle until her little tummy hurt!

I love you all~

LOVE

mamabets 

[mikesmum]

Mamabets - Betsy, a brilliant white light angel......I don't think these things are coincidences......I believe the ability to communicate still remains, its format has changed and you need to "listen" closely.  Having read your earlier posts, I know you have excellent skills to hear......

Take Care - Trudi

[mamabets]

For mikesmum~ That's right...The "format" has changed...I said to my husband last night, after multiple "hearts" have been appearing here lately... He leaves them VERY often, sometimes many in a day...

Don't you believe that Danny is showing us these signs, hon??"

He is rather skeptical of things like this, and could never begin to remember most!

LOL

He said "It must be- They are everywhere!!!"

It was cute~ I can't tell you how many times we will just be standing there and a "heart" will appear. I mean a PERFECTLY shaped heart...

I have a regular camera, and when I am able to capture these, I send the pictures to her and she scans them. My printer doesn't scan, so between all of us, his message of love is still heard. I do not "look" for them...They "find" me. 

The attatched are 2 photos- One of Danny holding his niece { Jackie's daughter, my first grandaughter Julia} the day after she was born in June of 1999. The other appeared in our driveway one year after he departed, June of 2005. The cord on my  camera is in that pic too!

LOVE

mamabets  

 

[4everjoeysmom]

Mamabets, thanks for acknowledging...  I felt kind of invisible there...  not that it matters so much, but it does speak volumes without saying much at all to how "conditional" we are, (as mere humans), in our responses or lack thereof, doesn't it?

I DO remember you asking me about my friend in Huntersville.  Wow!  That seems ages ago.  I didn't realize you and he actually corresponded.  I used to work with him, and his daughter babysat for me occasionally.  There is a picture on Joey's website of me and the boys in a Limo.  It was my 29th birthday and we decided to cruise around in a Limo and have a little party.  We picked up lots of friends that night for quick little rides, and the boys had such an amazing time.  (It was really more for them than for me.)  Back in the day my girlfriends and I would share special occasions limo style.  Bob's daughyter Jessica (the man in Huntersville) was one that rode with us that night.  So many find memories of Joey, Patrick and others that picture brings...  Anyway, how intersting that you actually touched base with him.

Thanks for recently writing on Joey's guestbook again as well.  You're such a sweet, grace-filled woman.  Love and hugs, Claudia

 

[momgran]

Wow Betsy!!  I had just read your post about 'signs', my minding meandering in 'sceptic' mode, when I stepped outside with my coffee and right there, in the frost on my patio was this image which so resembles my Pips holding little Kieran as an infant!  It looked as though someone had purposely created it by heating that area!!  It just blew me away.

Claudia:  I think it's downright impossible for someone with your beautiful aura to be invisible!  Your faith, your strength and compassion has been a source of comfort to me constantly throughout my sad journey.

Here's my sign.

Love Peace and Patience

Debbie

[4everjoeysmom]

Debbie,  What an AWESOME pattern in the frost!!  It does look as if it could be "just for you" with such a resemblance.  It is accounted in 3 Gospels Jesus having said ALL things are possible with God.  So, as I might be skeptic that signs can be brought directly from our beloveds that we miss so much, I do believe with great certainty that God can and does give us great measures of comfort in such ways.  I think He is constantly roamncing us and wooing us to see Him in such ways.  It's such a blessing to find that kind of unexpected comfort, especially in a mere moment of being where you were at just the right time.  Thanks so much for posting that picture.  It made me smile so big!!  Hugs, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Yesterday, in a moment off the track of what brings us here to share, we got on the subject of patience, tolerance, understanding and so forth, which all is a part of what it takes to get along in such a diverse world and in such a diverse web board community.  I was sent a blog quote earlier this afternoon that I thought was ironically timed and brilliant.  I wanted to share...  and to say I am so guilty of doing this myself...  It really made me think!  I think it speaks somewhat to what you said, Debbie.  And it helps to validate my inability to separate my core belief and how I think, live, speak, etc...  I just found it really hit home with me, and I pray for "more understanding" so that I can cut through what is irrelevant to me and what I believe, and maintain my focus on being compassionate regardless of someone else's beliefs.  It doesn't negate my need to be able to relate to like-mind and hearted folks too, but it does speak to generalized communication indeed.

Blog Quote:

When we're dealing with people who are different than us (everybody?) and trying to decide how to interpret the things about them that baffle us, we sometimes forget how fundamental beliefs are to the way we all act. Everyone has a tendency to misunderstand other people, because we don't pay attention to what they believe. (We just disagree or take offense instead of trying to understand.)  We should remind ourselves, “If I believed what [they] said when [they] wrote that post, I probably would have written the same thing.”  So before we judge others, it's good to consider what beliefs are motivating them. Then we can admit that if we believed like them we may very well have thought and acted that way, too.

This is humility, and it's essential if we want to be compassionate (or even just tolerable to be around). It keeps the focus on what really matters when relating to others: understanding what they believe, instead of judgmentally judging their judgment.

[mikesmum]

"Claudia:  I think it's downright impossible for someone with your beautiful aura to be invisible!  Your faith, your strength and compassion has been a source of comfort to me constantly throughout my sad journey."

Claudia - I second these comments.  It was your compassion, strength & empathy that drew me to post here at BI.  Your Virtual Memorial to Joey that gave me a direction to focus my grief and sadness into a positive that allowed me to show the world the son I love.

It is your faith that allows you to gather the strengths needed to continue healing on this never ending journey. 

Thank you -  Trudi

[mamabets]

For momgran~ That is soooooooooo awesome...Don't ever doubt all that our dear angels are still capable of...

More sweet magic than ever before...

The innocence of the wonderful people, here, there and everywhere...

Aren't we blessed to be a part of this group??

Never, ever doubt in the miracles...Always beware of  anything short of... 

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For All~ Just more miracle "heart" pictures for you~ The top one found outside my front door,  the one below it at my sister's home in Michigan...

The one from here has a "U" under it, you will see...I sign so many entries in Danny's journal, so many of his candle's on his website...I.L.U., obviously for I LOVE YOU...xoxo

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For All~ And, another!! Julia being so silly, Danny's silhouette right there in the window! He must have been there, joining in on her fun!

She misses her UNCLE... 

BUT, she believes still in the miracle of him. How could she not???  He visits her on a regular basis!!

LOVE

mamabets

[momgran]

Patty,Kathy,Trudi,Claudia and Betsy:  Thank you so much for your kind words.  I never cease to be amazed how reaching out the way we do can be so very healing.  You're right Trudi, 'a mother knows".

Betsy:  Such beautiful photos...your faith that your Danny still lives with you is very comforting and although I believe we 'interpret' these signs according to our specific needs, they are difficult to ignore!! For sure.  The Angel on the driveway that you sent me is so perfectly formed, it's difficult not to believe it was put there for a reason...to comfort you and make Danny's presence felt.  I know I had lots of 'signs' leading up to the holidays when I needed them most.

I've downloaded a few of the memorial websites listed on this thread and would like to do another page and movie.  These are the sites I have:

http://www.justinscottwagnermemorialfund.com  loveyoujustin

 

 

http://virtual-memorials.com/main.php?action=view&mem_id=10554&page_no=1  mikesmum

 

http://caitlin-mayes.memory-of.com/   k8smum

 

 

http://Micheal-Shane.virtual-memorials.com/main.php?action=reflections&mem_id=10554.

 

http://bill-mcmahon-iv.memory-of.com/about.aspx

 

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/2007_WCL/2007_WCL_Intro.htm

 

I've tried to download photos from some but not all sites allow me to download photos so if you'd like for me to include you in my 'page' and movie,  could you please email me at dfbarton@sympatico.ca.

The original page I created is at http://katzndogz.powweb.com/BI.html. 

I find it so very sad visiting all your beautiful childrens' sites but it does help me get to know them and I always marvel at what wonderful individuals they were and how tragic a loss we've all suffered.  But I pray that the memories will give us peace and joy at some point in our journey.

 

Here's a photo of Pips and Kieran shortly after they arrived in South Africa.  So alive...so beautiful!

Love Peace and Patience

Debbie

 

[4everjoeysmom]

That is a fantastic and most beautiful photo of Pippa and Kieran!!  I love the on ewith the tiger too.  Your beautiful Pippa REALLY lived life to the fullest.  Didn't she?  I just love seeing how vibrant she comes through in the pictures you share.  Hugs, Claudia