Loss of an Adult Child

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hey Bets, I know the depth of my grief kept me from here for a while, but I'm back. Friends are so important, the sorrow could only keep me from here for just soooo long -tee hee. I hope and pray you're doing well, my friend. I always keep you in prayer. Since my heart attack last September, I've been trying to behave a little more, but you know I'm not much for behaving. New band, and one of my girls moving home soon. We're looking forward to this. My wife isn't well at all, but then, did anyone expect to hear otherwise? I miss Jenni soooo much! Lots to tell about her legal matters, but not here. If you email me at matratmusic72@yahoo.com, I'll tell you about it. luv ya, Mark

[mamabets]

For alwaysmyjennifer~ xoxoxoxox

The old group always here, one by one, gathering again to help these new souls with the hope that there is life within, still...

Answered prayers~

This is magical~ EXCEPT, that my email to you was just sent back!!

LOLOL- TYPICAL!!!!!

Is the mailbox overflowing????

LOVE

mamabets

 

 

[summergirl]

Patti - your son Micheal is so handsom, my heart breaks for you!!

Trudi - How true it is that our fragility and weakness surrounds us like mist - I never feel strong except when I have to be with Tavian.

You are right - not wishful thinking - I saw the photo of Lauren and I can see Jessica's smile!! After a few seconds I told myself to breathe - also the hair is similar. I know that Mike and Jessica have found one another as we have found each other. I pray that all of our angels have found each other - it gives me comfort to think that they are all together, soaring through the Heavens. If we have all found one another then it surely possible that they to have done the same.

The pictures of your son have made me cry - he is so handsome and I can feel your pain by looking at him. Your words to him speak of your pain and heartbreak and I feel it with you. I am at a loss for words!!

I thought about posting a picture of myself with Tavian but am not sure I want to put my face to this site - I cannot explain it - it is as though my words are all that is needed and putting my picture here would take something away - if that makes sense.  

The 18th is coming up too fast - I am in limbo as to what to do with myself - I cannot seem to sit still and keep reliving our last days together - every minute I am thinking about a specific thing we said or did making myself crazy - I know the last thing I said to her was "I love you and I will call you in the morning" - I never got to make that call.

Jessica my darling daughter - I pray that you are together with all of the angels and that you are happy - that you can look down and see that we are taking good care of Tavian and loving him soooooooooo much for you. I hope that you are proud of me and know that I am doing the best that I can. I long to hold you in my arms and give you a hug, to see your beautiful face and hear your wonderful laugh. Not a minute goes by that I do not ache for you, my heart will never mend, it is forevver shattered by your leaving. I love you my baby, my daughter until we meet again and I can look into your eyes as though we were never apart. love you - mom

Please everyone keep me sane through these next few days - I need you all.

Prayers, hugs and friendship to all - Kathy

[mikesmum]

Kathy - I never strive for sane....for to do so would belie the grief and pain my body heart and soul endure since the loss of my brown eyed boy.  I will however make the promise that you will never face this journey alone........when you are lost in your memories, your pain is overwhelming and you doubt your strengths....come here, we are all with you.....holding fast, sheding tears and knowing your pain as if it was our own........because it truly is.

Mike & Jess - I know you both thought your mum's were made of steel, that nothing on this earth would shatter their strength. Know that losing you both has done just that.  To know your energies light the skies and shine through the stars at night gives us some peace, some strength to continue each day.

Kathy - as the 18th draws near, I will think of you constantly and ask that all who know the 'reality of Angel days' send you prayers and strength.

Blessed be - talk soon - Trudi

 

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hey Bets, sorry for the inability to even spell my own "name"??? I was a little road tired when I wrote, just getting in from Quebec - again. Try madratmusic72 instead. It's where all our work is being done these days. Nice little quiet joint out in the middle of nowhere. Our kids all love it and plan to make it the gathering place this summer - I'm happy knowing they'll be close (the devoted family guy I am). I hope all is well with you and yours, and that you're enjoying spoiling the namesake to Diamond's song. Hugs, Me

[mikesmomrs]

Hello everyone:  I've not posted since mid-January, but I have been here, reading, when I can, and keeping you all in my prayers and thoughts every day.  My life is undergoing some pretty significant changes and sometimes I've been feeling stripped as things go their way...we have had our home up for sale, and the downsizing process has been incredibly painful...of course, coming across many things of Mike's, as he had stored some boxes here, and his wife brought some boxes here that she just couldn't go through by herself.  Finding a card with Mike's little handprints on it that he had made in preschool...just about did me in when I first saw it.  I placed my hand over his imprint, just as I did when he first brought it home, and still saw the smile on his face, beaming with pride over his accomplishment!  It seems like just a month or so ago since I first saw that precious card...I know that you all know my pain, and understand that, yes, something like that can send us to our knees…even still.

I've passed through another "phase" of my life in that I've retired.  On February 1st, I walked out the door of my office for the very last time.  What an incredible feeling!  So many mixed emotions...I do know that Mike was with me, as on the drive into work that morning, I had to stop to wait for traffic before I could turn onto the street where I work, and while waiting, a truck drove by and the license plate read "SETFREE."   I actually burst out laughing; a true, stomach-felt laugh, the first for me since Mike left us.  When Mike was here, and I would be having a problem at work (my two supervisors are truly not very nice people, and tried my nerves more times than one...) and I would discuss it when I got home, Mike would always say "Mom, you have to get out of that job...you just have to...you shouldn't be working there, they don't appreciate you, you need to be free of them."  As soon as I saw that license plate, I knew that he was right there with me, as I drove down that street one last time...

Now what?  I question my future…what will I do?  Since Mike’s leaving us, my days have been filled with movement and unthinking action mostly, fulfilling my duties at work, going through the motions at home, but otherwise…I know that God will lead me to where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to do, and I know that He will give me strength to do it, but yet I question…

Having my grandkids here is my “sanity saver” as they (and my husband and daughters) keep my hope alive and my heart beating.  I try to “enjoy the moment” when they are here…I know that all too soon they will have other commitments, other places to be, and we won’t see them as often; they won’t run in the door, saying “Hey, I missed you!” as much.  We were lucky enough to have all of Mike's boys here this past weekend, and we went snow-tubing, taking his youngest, Damon, for the very first time, and his true delight in this new adventure gave us all hope for the future...I will attach (or try to) a picture of this unbridled joy.  As always, moments like this are bittersweet, as Mike had taken his older boys to this same place many times, and the memories of those days assailed me as I approached the hill with the children... 

For now I try to concentrate on the here and now…and some days of course it is just “what must I do this very moment to move to the next one?”  As you all know, our lives don’t follow the normal pattern any longer…our lives are separated by “when Mike was here” and “after Mike died.”

I know that in the early days, being here and writing and connecting allowed me to breathe, to move to the next moment when it seemed as though the next moment was the last place I wanted to be.  For those of you new to this journey, I offer to you that your pain will never go away, will never leave you entirely, but it will soften…I remember when Mike first passed, reading those very words from others who had been on this journey for a while, and thinking “How can that be? I am dead inside, I do not see tomorrow as an option…”  And yet, here I am, 16 months to the day since we last held Mike’s hand, last felt his warm skin, spoke to him, telling him that it was okay for him to go…  Inside, my heart was screaming “No, it is NOT okay for him to go…it will NEVER be okay for him to go…” yet, knowing that I must tell him that, as he lay there in the last moments of his life…I will never forget those last moments…they are seared into my heart forever.  For months I could not escape them; they replayed in my mind, over and over, and my pain was endless.     Coming here, meeting people who were in my same circumstances, or people who had been traveling this road for many months, or even years, helped me to understand that I would survive; I would get through this…a changed person, for sure, but still alive…still breathing. 

So many of you here helped me through these months of pain and sorrow…as we all know, we cannot find that support from those who have not traveled this road, whether it be their inability to comprehend or their desire to not be a part of it…and coming here is so very comforting and the understanding and compassion found here, along with my faith that God is with me through this journey, is truly what gets me to the next moment, the next hour, the next day…

Now that I will be home, I plan to post more often, and pray that I might some days provide some support to those who are where I was a year ago…wondering if I would survive to the next moment…and on those days that bring me to my knees once again, I know that your support and understanding will get me through…

Kathy, as you come closer to the 18^th, please know that we are all sending you strength…the picture of your garden is so peaceful looking, I can just imagine how it must make you feel when you are actually there…

All of you, please know that I keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and I thank you all so much for your support and caring and understanding that has brought me this far…

I apologize for the lengthy post, but since it has been a while since I’ve posted, all that has built up just comes out through my fingers and lands on these pages…

Sending all of you wishes for peaceful memories of your precious, beautiful children, as we ride together on this trip we never planned…

love and peace,

carol   mikesmomrs

 

 

 

 

 

[mamabets]

For mikesmomrs~ I just noticed the "X O" on your sweatshirt that you are wearing, right behind Damon!!

At times like these, we are somehow "SETFREE"...

I will celebrate a love filled Valentine's Day from all of our angels here...

Thank you, and...

LOVE

mamabets

xoxoxoxoxxo

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Carol,  I noticed the "X" "O" too.  It appears to be a Red Sox scarf, but so cool how the XO are prominently displayed in that wonderful photo.  Mike's baby boy isn't so much a baby anymore..  he's grown so much from photos you have previously sent me.  Mike would be so very proud..yes.  And you are so precious, Carol.  I can relate so much to ALL of the life changes that are taking place for you right now--retirement, downsizing, going through EVERYTHING, including every ounce of the memories that all of those things bring when you find them again after so many years.  The handprints ripped at me.  I had a very similar moment with a like piece of "art" Joey made as a child.  And then there was the clay mask he made of his own face when he was in high school.  I ran my hands over the smoothe mask, feeling every feature of Joey's face exactly as it had been.  Ironically the mask looks like he is "sleeping".  Having something like that, so personal, so exacting, and yet so "just a memory now"...  it's so painful, but at the same time so sweet to have such a precious gem from those precious years, their precious life.

I neither write as much as I once did.  I think we all go through phases where we need to pour out more, and others where we just need to be more silent for a time.  I do think of you often and pray as well for you and Ralph--all ways wishing you blessings and love.  -Claudia

[summergirl]

Carol - thank you for your wonderful words - I can so relate to the going through the "movement and unthinking actions" every day, get up, go to work, come home, take care of Tavian and before I know it I am once again at this site and feeling as though I have never left, where did the night and day go. I also have "life with Jessica" and now it is my "life after Jessica" - I am not the same person and never will be again as there is no possible way of life being what it was when my beautiful daughter was here with us. Thank you for admiring my "jessie garden" - it took alot of sweat and tears to make it - I remember one day digging with my spade to plant some new flowers and the next thing I know I am beating the dirt with the spade as hard as I could and throwing dirt and sobbing and my poor husband stood by and watched knowing there was nothing he could do for my "meltdown". I would not let him be a part of my garden - his only job was to help me with the fish pond (we have 24 goldfish) and then he let me be - I told him it was something I had to do on my own, I needed to complete what I had started for Jessica just as I have to complete raising Tavian for her, loving him and keeping him safe from the cruelties of this world as much as I can.

Mamabets - as usual your wisdom cuts through brain and reaches a spot there that always makes me feel better - thank you.

Trudi - I believe your are so right, we can not "strive" for sane as that will never be accomplished - sane - insanity - I feel both. I do get lost in the memories of what was with Jessica, the pain is so overwhelming I lose my breath and tell myself to breathe, I doubt my strength when it comes to Tavian, and I also doubt my strength when it comes to dealing with those friends and family who do not "travel this road" with me and try to tell me to "move on" or "get better" - I think to myself as you said - you may move on with your lives, I am standing still, waiting!!! I know that all of you on this road feel as I do - I know that we all share the same pain and that is why I am posting on this site - it is my life line to sanity and freedom - freedom from the world I live in with those who do not understand.

Thank you for your beautiful words to Jessica and Mike - it is so true. Jessica always told me I was so strong and that was why she was the person she was, it was why she could raise Tavian on her own - I am so weak now.

The picture of the beach with the two empty chairs are calling our names, I will bring the coffee and special treat and we will sit there "watching, waiting" together. Thank you my friend.

I have to go as Tavian is running a fevor and I am keeping a close eye on him - I am a freak when he gets sick although I know it is a cold I always fear it will turn into something more.

Posting two pictures - one of Jessica and Tavian being silly - one of my favorites and the other of Tavian at his 6th birthday party.

Thank you to all of you for holding my hand and walking with me as I go through this upcoming 2nd "angel date" - will I ever not cry??

Blessed be, Peace and Hugs to all - Kathy 

[summergirl]

Tavian at his 6th birthday - loved his "motorcycle" cake. He is so precious.

Jessica my baby - look how beautiful your Tavian is, 6 years old and so smart and loving just like you - he has your hands - I can feel you when I hold his little hand in mine. Today coming home from school he looked at me and said "mi-mi I can see Angels" I asked him what they looked like and he said "there are yellow and orange and they are flying" - oh sweetie what joy mixed with such pain at his words, I know that you are watching over him and sending him your love. Soar high my baby and know how much you are missed and loved every second of every day. I love you to the moon and stars!!!!! Love mom  Give Mike a hug from his mum.

[mikesmum]

For those who have never felt their heart stop beating, their breath taken away, their mind leave them.......I found this, maybe you will understand...one day

Don’t tell me that you understand.

Don’t tell me that you know.

Don’t tell me that I will survive,

How I will surely grow.

Don’t come at me with answers

That can only come from me.

Don’t tell me how my grief will pass,

That I will soon be free.

Accept me in my ups and downs.

I need someone to share.

Just hold my hand and let me cry

And say, “My friend, I care"

Prompted by a simple comment.  "Is it a year already? Why haven't you gone back to work?"

 

[enufalreddy]

My heart is breaking tonight.35 years ago I was on my way to the hospital to give birth to my second child.In the middle of a terrible snowstorm.Almost didn't get there on time.Back then we didn't know ahead of time what sex our babies would be.I was sure it was a boy and sure enough I got my son.He was red headed and I almost thought they gave me the wrong baby.He was jaundiced and had to stay in the hospital in an incubater under special lights.Thank God his liver started working on it's own before they needed to change over his blood.I was so afraid for him.He was so tender hearted and smart.And talented...as soon as he could hold a pencil we knew he would be an artist.And all boy.He'd run off fishing for the day and I'd be freaking out looking for him.Then he would come home with a stringer full of trout for Mom.He knew I loved them.He could be a wild and crazy kid but he was also very sensitive and loving.For some reason there was a different kind of bond between Walt and me than between his sisters and myself.It was just deeper,richer,more intimate and unquestioned.I will hate drugs and alcohol through eternity.They have taken so much from me.First through my own addiction and then in robbing me of Walter.I tried so hard to get him to stop.I prayed so hard that he be spared.After the second trip to the ICU needing to be brought back I knew what the chances were he would not survive. But I prayed for a miracle.That Walt would accept sobriety before it was too late.My beautiful baby boy.32 years old and strong,handsome,talented but owned by drugs and booze.I can't stand it. I was 32 years old when I got sober with AA.God how I prayed he would stop.But the heroin really had him bad.And the valium,oxycontin and all the others.And he left behind such a beautiful little girl that he loved so much.They were so close.Like 2 peas in a pod.I'm just rambling on and on.Bottom line is my heart is BREAKING and my soul hurts.My baby is in heaven.I miss him.II don't like this situation at all.Meltdown time.

[mamabets]

For enufalready~

We all love you and are so comforted that you are back here with us, for however long you need to be and/or want to be. You are amazing, you make me laugh to the point that I have tears in my eyes...

I am with you, by heart, not only today, but everyday...

LOVE

mamabets

[enufalreddy]

Thanks Betsy...My Sarah and her Mom are coming for a day or 2 this coming week.Our plan is to play Scrabble,bake cookies and send off a message in a bottle.So I am going to have a great week.Today is rough but I'll get through it.Especially knowing my Sarah will be here and I can get a squeeze!!!!!!!!!!!I'm thinking of trying to get her interested in doing some embroidery and get her started on that.I think that would be so cool.I'm feeling better now that the sun is up.I am trying to remember to be grateful for all the years I did have Walt and the special bond we shared.Thinking of the good times.I can see it now...our boys...goofing off.........playing foosball in heaven.Listening to their music as loud as they want whenever they want.Pulling practical jokes on each other and their angel friends.And blowing us angel kisses like they did when they were little boys.Can't wait to get there and join in on the fun.Soon enough.For now I will settle for the long distance kisses and my Sarah hugs.So I'm doing ok. I may meltdown in 15 minutes but I'm ok right now.Blessings to all, Erma

[summergirl]

Hello to all - very diffacult day today - cannot stop crying so I am just going to post this picture that Jessica's friends posted on her MySpace page - it took my breath away and I hope that it is clear enough for all to see. Kathy

Jessica my baby - this is exactly how I have pictured you in my heart - I love you my daughter and I am crying to hard to write anymore - all my love - mom

[heartbeataway]

What a beautiful picture!  And what a beautiful Jessica!  I will be thinking of you today and wishing you warm memories, asking for strength to get you through this tough day and sending love to comfort you.

Jason'sMom, Bonnie

[mamabets]

For summergirl~ As I think of you today, I will hold close to my heart the meaning of the name "Bennett" that I was reminded of in looking at the beautiful picture here...

"Little Blessed One"

Forever and always, until eternity joins us all~

LOVE

mamabets

 

[mikesmomrs]

enufalreddy:  so very sorry you are going through this hard time...enjoy Sarah and capture every moment deep into your memory to help you through the days ahead...

summergirl:  Know that you are in my prayers and throughts today, as you travel through these hours of pain...may your ceremony for her bring warmth to your heart that will stay with you always...

mikesmum:  thanks so much for the poem...I wish there was a way we could have it on a plaque and hang it around our neck for all to see...

Claudia and Betsy:  I hadn't noticed the "XO" before...thank you for pointing that out to me...it makes the picture even more special...love to you both..

love and peace,

carol  mikesmomrs

[enufalreddy]

Summergirl...God bless you and all of you on the beach today in celebration of Jessica's life.May you feel the warmth of the choirs of angels in attendance.Big hug for you Kathy.And precious Tavian.My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[mikesmum]

Kathy - I am with you at Bubba Beach as are those who knew and loved your beautiful Jess.  I am amazed at the picture from MySpace.....exactly as I picture her......angelic, warmth with light.  Watching over her beautiful Tavian and the mother she loved enough to entrust him too.......Hold tight my friend - we are all here for you......Something I wrote....sleep for some reason avoiding me.

You are the wind in my hair

The rain on my face

Mornings first light

The last star at night

The quickening of my heart

Each time your name is called

To realise you are gone

Is the cruellest part of all

 

You are the waves as they crash

Then return back to sea

The coolness of the forest

Jess, you will always be part of me.

As I walk this lonely journey

With Sand under my feet

In my heart I know my darling Jess

One day we will meet

For Kathy and her Summergirl.

[briansdad]

I wanted to share this video of the car show Brian's buddies have in his memory.Episode 016

http://moddinart.com/show.html

[4everjoeysmom]

Kathy, Holding you in my thoughts and heart today, Jessica's Angel Day.  What an amazing angel photo of your sweet girl...  HUGS, Claudia

[kathy714]

Dear Enufalreddy,reading your post about your son touched my heart so deeply,my story is so close to yours,i too had problems with addictions and worked very hard,and have been clean for a long time and still do meetings [not as much as i should]  I use to tell my son all the time ,to just join AA and save yourself a life of miserary,but he was young and thought ,life was a party,and unfortunantly passed on his 21st birthday.Nathan and I also had such a very close bond,even though he was trouble during his teens it actually brought us closer,he was on home confinement for a while and had to do everything with my husband or me,and he was turning into a good adult,worked all the time,and was so good hearted,then he went out that night and never came home!!Take care and god bless,Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[mamabets]

For summergirl! What a precious picture of Tavian with his cake...You love him to the moon and "stars", this is for certain.  Jess KNOWS it, and I can't help but see the wrapping paper right behind him with the "stars" on it...

These signs jump out at me, and I KNOW that our angels are showing us that they are with us always~

The missing them is unbearable, yet the sweet signs do help.

LOVE

mamabets 

[mikesmomrs]

Briansdad:  what a terrific thing for all those people to do...your heart must burst with bittersweet pride...I am sure Brian is right there with you and beaming...

love and peace,

carol  mikesmomrs

[mikesmum]

[align=center]Jessica Lee - 18th January 2006[/align]

[align=center](angel day)[/align]

[align=center]"A candle to light the way"[/align]

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Mamabets, when I read those words you wrote, I started to cry. I miss Jenni so much! Tonite, I felt like I had to stop in here before crashing, cuz I'm feeling so low. My sis's hubbie died yesterday, so I made a mad dash trip back home to spend a little time with her. All the while, I couldn't help hashing over in my soul what you said about Jen; that it's enough for now. You're right, and I can't agree more. This has had me so upset I've been sick and barely able to sleep. So, tonite, I'm splurging on a treat from my dr, a sleeping pill. I need the rest. Thanx for being yourself, a great source of wisdom and inspiration, my dear friend. hugs, me

[heartbeataway]

Brind3D,

From your posting to JCSMOM:

But today I know that my child would be very sad if I did not at least try to move forward. So I try each day to find something good. I can only do it day by day and if I have a tough day, I start fresh the next. I can't go back because yesterday is lost to me forever and tomorrow never comes for when it does it is today. So I must live in today.

 

The part, "I can't go back because yesterday is lost to me forever and tomorrow never comes for when it does it is today. So I must live in today. " brought tears to may eyes.  

Forever has become a really sad word to me.

Thanks!  JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[lorismom]

Dear Kathy ~ My thoughts are with you today on your beautiful Jessica's angel day. May you be blessed with wonderful memories that you shared with your daughter. My heart is with you as you travel this journey with all of us...... Love, Patty

[mamabets]

For heartbeataway~ I remember so vividly, after reading your post, writing to Danny in his journal...

"This is my first forever, honey. "

It was so incredibly painful, and it hurts just as much just thinking about it.

As if it were yesterday, I remember... His departure from this Earth was not a reality, it seemed, although his signs were, and still are, everywhere.

Be gentle with yourself and keep coming here to gather some strength. It happens, as it takes on a different face every hour of every day, this thing called grief. With each and every step of my journey, I can come here and "relate". I would like to think that in sharing as much as I can, it gives people that are so new here, hope...The "hope" that is so freely given to me.

Hope is eternal. Hope and love go hand in hand, and one carries the other in our darkest hours..

We are an amazing group, and if that is supposed to be the silver lining, well, that doesn't feel right. However, we know each other as if we have known each other forever. Forever.....

LOVE

mamabets 

[mamabets]

For lorismom~ It is so dear to see all of us starting to gather again. It warms my heart, as I hear our angels whispering with each and every beat. Just imagine all of them together, welcoming all of their new friends home....

 Imagine their faces as they see all of us together, here...

So painful for us, YES, yet so fun for them. They ARE in a place of complete perfection, so far removed from a life that can be so cruel. 

Imagine...

My love and prayers are with you always, Patty.

LOVE

mamabets

[mikesmomrs]

I also feel that we have been blessed by having all of our angels be together and leading us here to this site to be a comfort to each other...one has to only imagine, as Betsy says, how they are all together, watching over us, sending comfort to us...

Some of this comfort, I believe comes in the form of signs that we see now and again, and when we do,  it truly makes the day worthwhile...as much as we would each dearly love to have our precious children once again to hold and to talk with and laugh with, the signs they now and again send are heartwarming...

On Valentine's day, my husband took me out to dinner, and we shared a strawberry shortcake and ice cream, one of Mike's true favorites, for dessert.  When I put my spoon in for the first time, a slice of strawberry fell to the side, landing in some whipped cream, and formed a perfect heart shape...later, as we were leaving, I leaned over for just "one last bite" and when I stood up, noticed I had dripped some strawberry juice on my shirt, and it had formed a perfect heart shape...

Later, when we arrived home, as we drove in our driveway and past the wreath we had hung on the oak tree in our yard for Mike for Christmas, we noticed that the lights we had circled the wreath with had somehow been reconfigured into a perfect heart shape, and as we stopped the car in the driveway to look at them, they blinked on and off, three times.  I told my husband it was as if Mike was saying "I - love - you!"   I had read somewhere once that seeing a sign three times is a confirmation that it is indeed a sign from our loved one...I don't know about that, but those three "heart" events certainly made my day!  Remembering things like that makes it a little easier to face the day when a night has been particularly hard to get through...

Just wanted to share with you all.

Love and peace,   Carol

 

[summergirl]

Hello to all - I wanted to tell you how much your thoughtfulness has meant to me these past couple of days. I have been very sick with the flu since Saturday but am feeling better physically today. I am so amazed at the people here once again - I come onto this site and see and read the outpouring of love, the poem Trudi wrote, the words of sympathy as you all know how I feel - yet here in my own world I have not heard from any family members on my husband's side - it is as though the "18th" has come and gone like any other day and it breaks the heart to not get that phone call or that stop by to see how I am. I know that I must let all of this go as maybe there is a reason why they see fit not to get in touch with me so I will think positive and move on. This 2nd "Angel Day" has been harder then the first, I think the first year there is still so much denial that you just seem to get through each day pretending that it isn't real, that Jessica was just away on a long vacation and would be returning at any time and then when this 2nd Angel Day came I was became totally paralized. I spent the night of the 17th reliving every moment, counting down the hours, minutes and seconds as they ticked off on the clock - saying ok I had 5 hours left with her, three hours, one hour, and then minutes and I did not know. I remember waking to the ambulance call when it come over on my husband's radio and I got up and checked on Tavian and then went back to sleep never realizing it was MY DAUGHTER in that ambulance, then the knock came at the door. I cannot explain why I put myself through the pain of reliving every moment but have decided that I am in the process of actually believing that she really is not "on vacation" and she really is "not coming home" - harsh reality for my brain and heart to except yet I know I must. Letting go but not letting go, believing but still not wanting to, tears that fall endlessly.

The candle lighting was a cold windy day and had a hard time getting all those candles to light but 3 of them lit and stayed lit which was pretty amazing as we were lighting candles not only for Jessica but for my brother Billy and for Trudi's Michael - so 3 Angels helped. The balloons flew high and seemed to dance in the Heavens - I cried and laughed.

I will post some pictures as soon as I can - right now I need to try to get some rest. I just needed to let all of you know how truely Blessed I am to have all of you to walk this road with me - you are my saviors in time of need.

Trudi - a special thank you for the poem - it is exactly what I needed - there are no words to tell you what it meant to me.

Blessed be to all and Peace be with you - Kathy

[mikesmomrs]

Kathy:  so very sorry that you had to go through such pain in the hours before your precious Jessica's second angel date...yes, I do think that sometimes we need to run through those events to actually finally believe that they are indeed no longer here with us in a physical way.   I am sure that Jessica (and the others) was right there with you on the beach, and they were all very pleased with your memorial to them.  Our thoughts and prayers are still with you, as you come through this very tough few days. 

love and peace,

carol

[mikesmum]

Carol - I know they send us signs.  They definitely send what they know we will "get' once we see it.

Betsy - We truly are an amazing group.  Collectively we have the strength of the gods, the wisdom of the ages and a connection that is forged from a place non of us ever imagined.

I believe our children are all around, watching over us all........peaceful knowing we have found a place to be........

Kathy - Completely forgot about Bill.  Sorry!  Another connection, except the powers that be have allowed my baby brother to be with me.  His son Luke is also with Mike....they were joined the day Luke was born. 

Take care, the flu and any slight illness is always magnified as we grieve.......

Talk soon..............Trudi

[daveydow1]

 

    Kathy,

     You are right....sometimes the second angel day is worse to go through

     than the first one, and I also agree that the reason is because we are

    in denial.  Our brains just resist, and fight like mad against such a terrible

    loss---the loss of a beloved child. I, too, agree that our  departed children are so

    near to us, yet in a beautiful place that cannot be entirely imagined. It gives

    us the hope to go on, knowing they are happy.  Peace be with you.

                                                     Daveysmom,     Sherry  

[namarella]

Kathy, what you describe so eloquently mirrors my own experience in passing the second year, which we did on January 14 of this year.  I felt so grateful for everyone who remembered that this was our second anniversary of his passing, for those who said or wrote something to us.  And so sad that so many family and friends said nothing - assuming, I guess, that to bring it up would cause us more pain.  Eric’s 26th birthday is this Friday and we’ll be going out to the cemetery (I still have a hard time saying “Eric’s grave”) with some sand and shells we picked up at the beach he loved so well when we were there on the 14th.  My parents are meeting us out there and we’ll go to lunch afterwards - a birthday celebration?  I don’t know what else to call it, but the day our children were born will always be hugely important to us.  

 I ran into a friend today who lost her son this past fall and we talked for a moment.  There’s something of an instant connection when you share with someone who has also lost their child - you don’t have to apologize or explain things, priorities have shifted.  I know immediately what she means when she smiles and tells me her grandchildren are back in her life again, and we talk about living life fully, appreciating every moment.  Our kids would want it that way for us.  

I don’t post very often, but read everyone’s posts almost every day and you all touch me so much. We share that instant connection, that knowing of what someone else is going through - our pain, as well as our joys.  I’m not sure that anyone who hasn’t been down this path can know this as we do.  And perhaps since we are able to be known here in this community, it gives us some patience and compassion for others we relate to who can’t know what we’ve been through.  Blessed be to all here, Colleen

[enufalreddy]

My son's daughter comes tomorrow to stay for a couple of days.Mid-winter recess is this week so she is free from her regular schedule.She is such a sweetheart and smart as a whip.I always get so anxious when she is coming because I want her visit to be perfect and special.Everyone has been talking about the second Angel day and how hard it is.I thought it would get a little easier after the second but I'm coming up on our third in April and I have this awful feeling of panic back in my gut when I think of it.The more time that passes only makes it more real.And I guess I still can't face it as being real.I see his picture and I get that hot poker in the belly feeling and this heavy emptiness in my chest.I wonder if I have some form of PTSD in connection with Walter's passing.All I can tell you is I feel worse this year than I did last year.And last year I didn't think that could be possible.Do others of you still have this panic feeling?Do you feel like you're coming unglued?I don't know if it's normal or if I should talk to my doctor about it.I'm seeing my therapist in March.I took the winter off because of my health and having to travel to the office.And on other issues I'm fine...but not with this.Maybe I should call the therapist and move my appointment up.I'll figure it out but I did want to know if others have the same trouble at this stage of grieving   thaet I do.I continue to pray for all of us and our children.Peace,light and Love to all,Erma

[mamabets]

For All~ I must say that once I "hit" the three year mark, which was in June, the pain did start to lift, some. The TORTURE became less, certainly not as often, and my thoughts of Danny bring many more smiles today than tears.

His life was made up of many more happy days than the onesa that took him from me. He lived so much more than he died...So, so, so much more, and his death has given him the ability to "LIVE" like he never dreamed possible...

I breathe in, and I feel him breathe out for me... He is the beat in my shattered heart, so my life lives on, in memory of him, my sweet Danny Boy~

When the tears come, they flow just like before, it is just not as often. I live like I know he would want for me to. I KNOW that he has always wanted for me and for all of us peace, because that is all our angels know now.

I will never get used to this. I will, however, never ask "why me", because all I have to do is travel these boards, and I say to myself..."Why not?? Look around you , Betsy...There are so many broken hearts"

Wrapping up the second year was brutal. I can't explain why, but I do remember seeing my doctors often, thinking that this was going to just get worse and worse, and while following all of their advice, I was surprised when it started to change some. I still get comfort knowing that Danny will never know this pain. I , again, can't tell you why I feel this, but it has been a sense of comfort from day one...

"Never, ever will he run the risk of possibly losing a child...."

We all get love and relief here at Beyond Indigo. All of you have saved me when I couldn't save myself.

LOVE

mamabets

 

[heartbeataway]

mamabetts,

I love the way you express your feelings.......  very heartfelt ...

I heard a song recently by Willie Nelson.  The words were something like, " I'm so glad I got to dance with you, if only for a moment of forever."

I feel like our son, Jason, was only physically in our life for a "moment of forever". I'm having such a hard time with the void in my life.  I try everyday to make him proud but I find little joy in doing that.

I find myself cleaning out so that no one has to do it when I'm not here anymore. It was so emotionally going through Jay's things. I cried and said good-bye with each fold of every garment. I even have a shirt he wore in a ziplock.  I'm afraid his scent will go away .........  his scent ......... Am I crazy trying to hold onto the scent in a shirt he wore?

I've also questioned why this happened to my little family.  And you are so right, why not?  I just wish it had been me and not our boy.

Thanks!  JasonH's Mom, Bonnie

[align=center]Picture is Jason and my Dad[/align]

[mikesmum]

Bonnie - your words filled with emotions bring tears,  moment of forever" so aptly describes our children who while here for a moment, that moment lasts forever in our hearts.

Keeping the shirt is something I have seen here many times.  Not to lose the scent is up there with wanting to keep voice messages, cards and the never ending pouring over photos - it keeps the memories and belies the devestation of 'gone'.

I am so sorry for the loss of this handsome boy with the wicked smile!  The photo is beautiful, such love, such a loss, gone all to soon.

Betsy - as always, wisdom from the most simple premise.....why not me.  Something I held onto when the going got tuff!  I believed it was me because someone else may not have the inner strength or a faith that would see them through.  To me Danny is your protector....by being a presence in your life even now, he ensures we at BI have you in our lives to make our journey a little more bearable.....Thank you so much.

I believe in my heart and soul that Dannys energy is with you, breathing out as you breath in.....I cannot believe these brilliant young lives leave us with nothing but memories......I believe in many ways they are with us still. 

Some may say signs "are a preferred away of coping......something our kids are incapable of providing....they are gone".  My preferred way of coping.....have Micheal call me, not have him gone at all.  I have coped with much this life has given me, good and not so good.....but to have Mikes music play at unexplained times, to see a brilliant moon and believe his energy is part of that......its not coping.....it is as with  beliefs of a higher power a creator......an individual person belief.   I wouldn't ask anyone else to believe what I have experienced since Mike changed addresses, but to know others have similar experiences shows my admission to the "not quite right' ward isn't going to happen sometime soon....

Blessed be to those who journey here - sad you had to be here, but so glad I got to meet you.....Trudi

 

 

[mamabets]

For heartbeataway~ Whenever I used to think of how life did what it was "not supposed to do", my head and heart would immediately go to a place where I could imagine Danny in a world, had he lost me...

His teeth, as a grown man, would chatter if he was on the phone with me and I was either sad or not feeling well, for whatever reason. He felt that deeply... I would say "Oh, honey...I am fine, please, please do not worry" He would write me letters and tell me that he was so proud because I was not only his Mom, but his best friend too...

There are so many natural questions about the big picture when this happens, and one day, it  becomes even bigger, that our brains can not even begin to wrap our hearts around it all, so we somehow just surrender to alot of it.

Grief is so exhausting, day in and day out. Thoroughly and utterly exhausting, to the very core of each and every fiber of our beings, that just being able to talk about each and every fiber really does help, as time marches on.

I have often said..."Danny did not die- I did"

I know that he LOVES where and how he is now, and I do the best that I can. So very often, that includes doing absolutely nothing.

United we stand, and the love that lives on in all of us will sustain us through the rest of our days. When our time is up here, what a party there will be on the other side with all of these remarkable angels that most definately are more ALIVE than ever before.

Imagine...Just for one moment, imagine, then take a deep breath.....

By the same token, cry as much as you have to cry, and be as open about it with all of those that you feel the need to be. 

Remember, we couldn't be doing this here, in their honor, if we didn't have them there, honoring us...

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For mikesmum~ You are so dear, Trudi. You are such an inspiration, and you give so much hope to so many.

Always remember that your love and loss carries me and my Danny through. Always and forever, each of you here are a chapter in my book, and I would not be the person that I am today, wearing this heart so openly on my sleeve, if not for all of you.

I thank you for letting me in, and your endless amounts of compassion is contagious.

People who need people ARE the luckiest people in this world, and our prayers are heard in the universe where our angels always are. They do listen to each and every word, they just are removed from anything that would ever cause them sadness, so we do this here, together, talking about them, missing them, loving them, and living among them all.

LOVE

mamabets

[heartbeataway]

I so needed this venue to share!

Mikesmum and mamabetts -  bless you both!

My husband and I were talking today.  The anniversary of Jason's death is coming up April 28th.  This is so front and center in our thoughts.  We don't really want to commemorate the saddest day in our lives but we also don't want to let down the folks who love him.  Not sure what we're going to do.

I look at the faces of these handsome young men and it just breaks my heart. Jason was witty and he wasn't ashamed to love his Mom.  I miss him hugging me and kissing me on the cheek and telling me he loved me.  "You're the best" he would say.

We have his dog, Jackson.  I am glad that we have him.  It took a legal battle. His girlfriend wanted him. But, Jackson is so much a part of Jason that he even had Jason's laid back personality.  Jason trained him well.  I can walk him and don't need a leash. I wonder sometimes if he misses Jason.  I wonder if he dreams about him.

I wonder alot lately .........!

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[align=center]Picture is Jay's dog, Jackson[/align]

 

[4everjoeysmom]

Bonnie,  Jackson is very handsome.  I am partial to the Boxer Breed, and he caught my eye immediately.  I'm glad you have him too.  I can only imagine Jay would have wanted Jackson to be with you, to help take care and lick salty tears, and all the comfort a wonderful buddy like Jackson can bring.  Blessings, Claudia

[briansdad]

Here's link I thought all might like.

http://www.andiesisle.com/icanonlyimagine.html

[mikesmomrs]

Briansdad:  thank you so much for sharing, and bringing a wonderful memory to my mind.  A couple of nights before Mike died, I was sitting with him, and everyone else had gone to bed.  (we cared for Mike, here at our home, at his request, in his last two months before he died from brain cancer).  Mike had asked his sister to sing "Will You Remember Me" at his service, and knowing that she wouldn't be able to do it at that time, she went to a recording studio to record it to be played at his service.  I knew that he had heard it the day before, when they brought the recording home, but I knew that he didn't remember that, so I asked him again if he would like to hear it.  He said yes, and we sat there together, holding hands, while he listened, and smiled peacefully.  When it was over and I went to turn off the recorder, I noticed the "I Can Only Imagine" cd on the shelf.  I asked him if he would like to hear that again also, as we had listened to that many times before.  He replied yes, and we sat there and listened to this beautiful song again.  When it was over, he looked over at me, and smiled and went to sleep.  The next day (the last that he spoke) he was sitting with his dad, and mentioned that song.  He asked his dad "Will it be like that, dad?  Do you think I won't be able to stand, or speak, or just be in awe, like in that song?"  We all cried inside, hearing him, but yet were so comforted that those words brought him such joy and peace during the time he was preparing to leave this earth. 

thank you, Briansdad, for a few moments of a wonderful memory.   

love and peace,   Carol

[briansdad]

It's songs like this that get me through each day knowing Brian is living that dream.

As much as I love all my family here I look forward to the day that I share it with him.

[wyomingsal]

I just posted a youtube link to that song the other day in the grief and healing from a Christian perspective thread.  I love that song. 

Mikesmom,  I am glad your son was able to hear the music and find comfort in it. 

Here is the utube link. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S70gwFcSK9k

 

Another really cool song I just found out about from a fellow member of BI is "I've never been more homsick then now."  It is really cool. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sgh6bVkGw_8

And one more song I  just love but it makes me cry is "He's my son" by Mark Schultz.  I don't know if you listened to that before but I know it will break your heart Mikesmom.  It is about losing a child to cancer.  Oh how my heart breaks for those of you who have had to watch your loved one struggle with a terminal illness.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8Hr7Z1rSOQ&feature=related

[summergirl]

Hello to all - well I am finally physically better and back at my job - one more day in the house and I was ready to scream. It has been hard not posting so am glad to be back.

I have been thinking about these past 2 years - this is the day 2 years ago that we said our last good by to Jessica, it is when we left her at the cemetery. I have thought about everything that happened from the time the knock came on the door until this day of burial, I have went over every second in my mind. I tried to stop myself as it is so painful but for some reason I cannot. On the first Angel Date I do not remember thinking about any of it, it was as though it did not happen, so I have come to this conclusion - I believe the first Angel Date is so traumatic that my mind denied the whole process, I believed that Jessica was still with us and away on an extended vacation and would be coming home so there was no need to think about her being "gone". Now - the the 2nd Angel Date is here I believe that I have finally realized that Jessica is "not on vacation", she is not coming home" and I have allowed myself to relive my final days and moments with her which is a blessing and so heartwrenching at the same time. Maybe I am letting the edges soften and have allowed myself to remember those final days so that I can accept what is and now I can try and remember all the wonderful 26 years that I had with her - I am tired of remembering the "loss" and want to remember the beauty, the smiles, the laughter, the tears, the friends, school years, first dates, first fights and so many other firsts, I want to remember Jessica as she was - a beautiful, smart, funny, lovable, free-spirited woman,a wonderful mommy, my daughter, my best-friend. I will always have tears, I will always have an empty space in my heart  and I will never truely be "happy" but I can have a life for myself and with Tavian just as Jessica would want me to.    

Thank you for listening and God Bless all of you. I could certainly use some wisdom here. Blessed be - Kathy