Loss of an Adult Child

[mamabets]

For Briansdad~ So deep in thought because they will forever be so deeply in love...Brian and his sweet baby Alyssa~

LOVE

mamabets

xoxoxo

[mamabets]

For All~ Thinking about each and every one of you as this holiday approaches..... I will be sticking close to Beyond Indigo, this I know for sure!!

I love this print...It reminds me of to a place where I know Danny must be... 

Danny and his HUGE, devoted angel family...The perfect world, forever more~

We will all be together with them one day. Let's try to never lose sight of this..xoxoxo 

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For All~ Our last picture together here in North Carolina...

Six months before Danny's departure...

LOVE

mamabets

xoxoox

[shuugar]

Byron

I was soo sorry to read your post.

Losing your child is the heaviest, hardest loss there is . I can't imagine anything in this life that could even come close to the pain that we are now carrying.

My son died April 20th 2006 from among other things a MASSIVE, MASSIVE heart attack.

He was 35 and married with two kids of his own. It had been around 10 years since he lived at home with us but, he did live close (about 20 min. away) We saw him often and always talked on the phone.

The point I'm making is that the reality of his death was and still is at times blurred, unreal, dream-like. I think partly because he was not living with us . His physical presence was not with us on a daily basis and that was the normal

I can imagine how hard it must be for you.  The daily presence of your Dear son no longer there.

I may be way off the mark with my thoughts but, I did want to convey my sincerest sympathy for your loss

                                  Virtual Memorials

[momgran]

I don’t visit BI every day like I used to, but when I do read these days, my heart aches for all of you Moms and Dads who have lost your children in recent weeks and months.  The tragedy of losing the very people who have made our lives worth living and who, over the years, have been at times the ‘only’ purpose for living is truly devastating.  I can identify with just about every emotion that has been expressed on here, and I’ve found too that the slightest little sight, sound or smell can send me spiraling back to that day last year when I lost my precious daughter and grandson on October 22 last year.  I even sometimes spiral back to when I lost my baby Andrew back in October 1975.  (He died of SIDS).

 

I ventured out Christmas shopping last night and it truly was a minefield of emotions.  I was in tears on numerous occasions as I walked through my daughter’s favourite stores.  I found it almost unbearable when I saw items I would loved to have picked up for Kieran.  Spiderman…Dora….and the lovely things I know my daughter would have loved.  It’s amazing how we have always thought of our children and grandchildren when we shop on a regular basis, picking up items we know they would want.  Not having that purpose anymore forces us to focus on the ‘living’ loved ones in our lives.  But it’s so difficult to pull my mind away from those sweet souls that I miss soooo much.

 

I picked up a little booklet and opened it to a page and verse that was so very appropriate it sent me reeling!  I showed it to my fiancé and he too thought it eerie that I opened it to that page.  It was all about the ‘pain in your eyes and the emptiness in your life at this season’ but then goes on to speak of the courage and determination to carry on and make the most of the season and life in general despite the sadness;  Wow….wonder who put that page in front of me J

 

Briansdad:  Such a lovely photo of Brian and his sweet child!  My last Christmas with Pippa and Kieran was in 2003 as they moved to South Africa in July 2004.  They were due to come here to Canada on Dec 19 last year for Christmas but I never got to see them.  They died in a car accident in South Africa in Oct.  Shuugar:  I can understand somewhat about not having them around and the ‘;blurring’ and unreality at times.  I hadn’t seen Pips and Kieran in the flesh for 2 years and 3 months, only on the webcam and in photos and spoke on the phone and I think it must have been more of a physical disconnect for her father and stepmom who had them living nearby and saw them constantly.  I ‘grieved’ for them when they left here in 2004, very deeply.  I couldn’t go to the park Kieran and I spent a lot of time in for 3 months after they left.  I also sometimes feel…did they really live….is this all a dream….is my life a dream.  Oh how lost we can be at times…thrashing about in the dark.

 

I’m attaching a photo of Kieran’s first Christmas and one of the ‘glowing’ ornament on my tree last week!

 

I hope the season brings some peace and warm memories, some without too much pain, to all of you dear, brave souls!

 

Love Peace and Patience

Debbie

[momgran]

Here is the photo of my tree ornament!  My angels!

[luvumicheal]

hello mamabet ...danny was very handsome....havent been here for a few days....sometimes I just read the new postings and wonder about the new families that have joined us...I just wanted to let you guys know about these coincidences that have been crossing my path...2 to be exact....the first has a story behind it....My mom....who was 37 when I lost her....I was only 19 years old...2 children..micheal 2 9 months...and my second son who wa s7 months....mike was my first born ..and I was very young...16 to be exact...my mom had diabetes, high blood pressure..and asthma... she developed a blood clot in her heart causing major malfunctuions in her body..she passed away 4.16.1985 at the age of 37....my kids never actually saw her..or remembered her they were so young....all I could say is that she loved my kids but never got to spend time with them...well this is were coincidence number 1 comes up....I went to my sons grave (very diffificult for me,,very) and the person buried right beside my son...Is a woman by the name of Miriam...that was my moms name....I mean of all the names in this world ....miriam...coincidence or maybe FATE, DESTINY, A SIGN, AND LOVE BEYOND ANY EARTHLY REALM???? and now for the second coincidence...my son passed away 11/2/2007...1 week later I had a dream..that I was walking from shopping (or something) and while passing by a building I saw my son looking into the window of this building...he then caught up to me and we spoke and I hugged him tight....I wondered why this dream took place there?? of all the places there....and yesterday I was going the same way and as I passed the building I got this feeling to look over and the thought came to my head...why here?

I had this dream on I would say 11/8 ...yesterday as I passed I saw the building number was 1129.....my twin daughters birthday...november 29 ...I guess he was trying to say ..it's their birthday on this day and I will be there....I miss my boy and I cant help but cry as I write this ....but I'm sure everyone here understands that mornings are the most difficult..once you open your eyes to another day ....hugs to everyone...

[daveydow1]

For Momgran,

I can so relate to your experience of going shopping. I too cried the first

Christmas without Davey when I was out shopping. Everything & anything

seems to have something to "say" to us. My heart goes out to you for all

the pain you are having. May God be with you, and bless your daughter

and little grandson----what a darling child.   Peace be with you always

                               Daveysmom,    Sherry

[daveydow1]

For Momgran,

I can so relate to your experience of going shopping. I too cried the first

Christmas without Davey when I was out shopping. Everything & anything

seems to have something to "say" to us. My heart goes out to you for all

the pain you are having. May God be with you, and bless your daughter

and little grandson----what a darling child.   Peace be with you always

                               Daveysmom,    Sherry

[summergirl]

Hello tp all. I haven't posted in a few days - been very busy with work and Tavian and the "holiday" coming up. I have read all the posting since I was last on and am again amazed at how we all feel the same way - sometimes it feels as though I am reading postings that I wrote and then I look and they are from others!!

Today Tavian wanted to go "visit" his mommy, the first time in a long time, so I took him to the cemetery and he wanted to get out by himself so I stayed in the car and just watched him. He walked over to her and just stood there looking at the stone and the picture of her which is set in to the stone and then he walked over and hugged the stone - I just sat there in the car feeling as though I were going to start screaming and never stop. How my heart breaks for this little one who is only five and has to hug a stone! He should have his mommy's arms wrapped tight around him, hugging him and loving him the way it used to be. When he was finished he turned and came over to the car and asked if he could climb one of the trees!! I just looked at him and thougt how happy he looked - he wasn't sad or crying - he wanted to climb a tree - I thought then of all the times I have "visited" Jessica and all I do is cry and beg God to send her back to me and here is Tavian who wants to climb a tree!! How amazing are children? He is such a comfort to me and I honestly believe that I would never be able to walk this road if he wasn't here, I cannot, no matter how hard I thought about it, imagine living my life without my Jessica if Tavian was not with us.

I truley belive in signs, I believe that our angels find a way to communicate with us if we keep our minds and eyes open to see them. In the befginning my husband used to say that Jessica talked to him and I thought "ok, whatever you say" and he said  she wanted me to listen and she would talk - well - I did open my eyes one day or Jessica opened them for me - and there was the butterfly - I do not need to go into detail but I believe that my Jessica lets me know she is ok through the butterflies - they come and go at the times when I least expect it and it is truley amazing. If anyone out there has had such an experience then you will know what I mean.

The pictures posted of loved ones and families are so beautiful and so heartbreaking at the same time. I kept Jessica's cell phone and I have yet to call it and here her voice on the recording - it is so precious to me yet I cannot listen - maybe some day.

I will post a picture tomorrow nite of Tavian.

God Bless all and peace be with you - Kathy

[briansdad]

Just a thought for those of you who are up to it.  Our Bereaved Parents group has a tradition to still purchase gifts for kids.  Then at our meetings, we show what we bought and explain why we bought it.  We then take all the gifts to a children's home for kids who don't get much for Christmas.  It really has helped me make it through the Christmas season to be able to buy gifts for Brian.  I know many of you may not be up to it.  And it may be awhile before you will be.  But it is a good way to remember our loved ones.

 

 

Greg

 

God Bless All of us

[mamabets]

For All~ I know that picking up a new ornament each year and putting it on the tree in Danny's memory has also helped me. Since he is still so into "heart" signs, I find a heart each year and put it on the tree. I have also decorated it with red, blue, and yellow ribbons because he was such a SUPERMAN fan...

I wait for the "message" from Danny. It speaks to my heart.

I will be going along, when all of a sudden, there it will be.

My Jackie found our little Julia crying the other day. She was 5 when her UNCLE departed, and she is 8 now. I have heard that as long as the little ones are old enough to love, they are old enough to grieve... This is very true, and talking to them is so essential~ We keep Danny alive in spirit and talk about him alot.

Like I have said..."He didn't die, we did..."

But, time has certainly helped to soften this blow, some. Time and many miracles... 

There is a wonderful journal called "Angel Catcher", written by Kathy Eldon... She lost her sweet son, Dan... 

There is now one for kids, written by Amy, Dan's sister. She dedicates it to him..

"For my brother, Dan..."

We got this for Jackie and Julia so they can one day create it together~

Jackie and Danny used to watch "A Christmas Story" every year together. Jackie has watched it every year since Danny passed away. She can't seem to do it this year...

LOVE

mamabets

xoxoxo

 

 

[mamabets]

For luvyoumichael~ Yes, my Danny was and still is a beautiful guy.. Lit up a room, as they say~ He was always oblivious to it, which was a good thing. He was way too busy trying to make sure that everyone felt good about themselves. He used to say to his girlfriend "Your makeup looks SO pretty today- The light hits it just right"

I get inspired when I read how others are really believing in the signs from our angels...I say..."What I used to believe in, I now know to be, all because of Danny"

He has CLEARLY shown me a way to communicate with him, and to listen like I have always have, just through a different pathway. What used to be a "gut feeling" is exactly the same now, only it comes through my heart instead. He speaks to my heart. I feel it, I stop, look and somehwere around me is a sign from him.

BUT, the other day, I was so MAD that life did this, and so SAD that he was not here to chat with..Mad and sad together was very, very, very painful, and I just had to wait for it to pass...

Thank goodness I do not go to "mad" often..Very seldom...But I am sad, like all of us, plenty.. I then feel my head and heart take me to a happy Danny place, and it softens...

LOVE

mamabets

xoxoxo

 

 

[sherrie8168]

mamabets....your Danny IS just gorgeous !!! And WHAT a physique! I am so happy to hear that you "feel" and look for signs of communication from him.  We have a cat (Critter) who will NOT sit on any blanket that happens to be on the chair or couch, etc. She will walk around it, jump over it, etc. but never touch it.

A few months ago (God be praised), I had both of my sons' baby t-shirts made into quilts. My Bill got to see his. He said "You keep it, Mom. That is something that needs to be handed down". So, I cover up with it as I kick back in my lounger.

I was missing Bill BAD BAD the other night. Critter Cat jumped up on my lap on TOP of the quilt and began to knead the little square with "BILL" on it. So, I talked to my son for a while and told him how much Momma missed him and loved him forever. Somehow, this made me feel better.

Thank each of you for sharing your stories. It brings me comfort.

Prayers and God's abundant blessings.

Bill's Momma  Sherrie

[bigmikesmom]

Mamabets, i am new to this forum. i posted a new topic the other day ,mainly because i don't know how to use this site to well yet.the topic is "getting back into life" you have a beautiful family. is that your daughter in the pic and her girls? How old was danny when he entered eternal life? yes, he is very handsome. my story is posted under my topic as mentioned previously. i admire you and you words. how long has it been? any more helpful thoughts? how do you feel the communcation from danny? are they ADC'S. i am reading the book 'Hello from Heaven" about ADC'S. I so want that to happen to me.My Mike was so handsome, 6' 3"200lbs, an athlete on a scholarship for soccer and academics at a great university, 20 years young, full of life, always happy, everyone's best friend,a special gift of making everyone laugh, all the time, and i mean everyone, even very sad people, as I have found out ,more than i ever realized,he was my soul mate. how do you do it? i try so hard and then i collapse again and again.I thank God every day for holding me up. I take a few steps and fall down again, then God picks me up and holds me for awhile again.sometimes i feel like i am going crazy, like i've lost it.I don't want to believe it really happened and sometimes it hits me so hard, i feel like someone grabbed my heart out and crushed it. i feel selfish. i should be doing more for others but i don't have the energy.i hope this forum will help me so I can be like you someday. God Bless you!

Bigmikesmom (patti)

[daveydow1]

For Bigmikesmom, Patti,

I am sorry for your loss of your dear son Mike. I don't have to tell you

how painful and sad these early times after the tragedy of losing a child

can be.  You are not going crazy. All the pain, sorrow, and emotions all

exploding at once makes us feel that way, and anyone who has lost a

child will tell you that they have felt that way, especially early in the

grief process. Your son must have been a wonderful person, and blessed

with so many talents. My son, Davey, died in 2003 when his car was

crushed flat by a semi truck where the driver was asleep at the wheel.

I know this holiday season is difficult for you & your family. I hope and

pray that you may find some comfort in your memories of you dear son.

                        Peace be with you,       Daveysmom,  Sherry

[daveydow1]

sherrie8168,

I'm sorry for your loss of your son, Bill.  Animals are so comforting when one

is in the clutches of grief.  Your story about Critter the cat, and your lovely quilt

was so heartwarming. I also have a cat, Brownie. After Davey passed away in

2003, I remember lying on the couch just practically wailing in sorrow, and Brownie

came to me and sat close. I started petting her and she purred. That incident calmed

me down so much. Davey loved that cat, and all pets.  I think a lot of people here at

BI would agree that pets are so helpful.  I will pray that you get some kind of signs

from your beloved son, Mike.  I find that they come to me when I least expect them.

Peace be with you always.         Daveysmom,     Sherry

[mikesmum]

Haven't been here for a few weeks.  I find I am lost in my thinking, poor in concentration and absorbed in a place no one understands with the exception  of those here at BI

Our family is coming together for Christmas on Sunday 23rd, more to allow them to spend Christmas Day with their extended families.  It really is just another day for me.  I keep feeling that I have forgotten something.  Someone to buy for, someone to invite to Christmas Dinner. Someone I would call and do coffee with just to check in........for the most part I cannot put my finger on it......the without warning Micheals memory comes flooding back and I am once again lost.

Momgran (Debbie) - I read your post from a few weeks back, I really feel like a vetran.  I read the posts of those who have by a cruel act of fate (?) join us here.  Their words, thoughts and feelings mirror so many who have gone before.  My body is weary, my mind numb, my life locked in a middle world, here with the living while longing to be with my son.  It is 11 months and Jan 18th is looming like a huge storm front. 

Summergirl - the beautiful Tavian, so much is mothers son, so much a bright light in your life.....keep posting the pictures and stories.  I love the innocents of a child that hugs a memorial then looks for the most fun, climbing a tree......beautiful

Sherrie8168 - thank you for visiting Micheal site and the kind words and thoughts left. 

Annie - Thank you for your words, as with all here they go a long way in giving me a 'safe place to land' when all around me seems lost.....

The tears flow, the thoughts take my mind and I am here.....writing from my heart, my head lost to the grief......while this place is borne from tragedy and loss..... I thank you all for being here......

[mamabets]

For bigmikesmom~ May I send to you love and hope, as you have found your way to all of us here at Beyond Indigo...We all know where you are, and how, in the lonely days that are now yours, you seem to find yourself searching for places like these. I am, so , so, so sorry...

This site has been my salvation for many, many days throughout the past three and a half years. My Danny departed on June 16, 2004. Please email me at huntross4@aol.com and I can send to you  our story from here on Beyond Indigo.

His website is http://daniel-pallick.memory-of.com.

It was created by a dear friend that found me here, and we have made his memory site what it is today. You will get to know Danny and all of his family once you have traveled it...Before the fateful night that took him, and since...The memories that he makes sure we create with him in spirit..

In the picture taken of all of us, it is, from left to right...Danny, his sister, Jackie, my hubby, Dean, myself, our 4 little doxies, and Jackie's daughter, Julia, in front.

My kids were 14 months apart. They are "still" the best of friends, Jackie has married again and now has a new baby... Our Sweet Baby Caroline is 9 months old, and they live in Wisconsin... Jackie will be 28 at the end of this month...Danny was 25 when his accident took him from us...

Dean is our rock... A wonderful, gentle man..We have been together since 1990, and we married in 1999. We live in North Carolina...Danny passed away in Florida...

The relationship that both of my kids had with their father was very turbulent, to say the least. It is a place that is over for us all, never to be "visited" again, thank God, but has left tremendous pain in it's wake...

"Hello From Heaven" is a fabulous book if one must  travel this road. I read it one day early on, as I had no doubt that Danny was communicating with me like always, just differently. You will see many miracle signs that have been captured in pictures, and just click on to the PHOTO link of his website!! LOTS of "heart" signs, plus others that are quite breathtaking. Email me any time, and I can send to you these photos individually, if you wish. I can also send to you my phone number, and I will try to help you in any way that I can.

The picture below was just sent to me the other day from a gal that I had bought something from for Danny's garden on ebay... We had emailed back and forth for awhile, she knew our story.. I had not heard from her for quite some time, and she sent me this "heart" that she found in her yard the other day...She thought of me and Danny, and how very dear that she took the time to find my email again!! 

I was born with tremendous "wisdom", and have inherited so much more from both of my kids..They are amazing, and I try so hard to help Jackie. This has been a blow to her...She never knew a life without Danny in it, and she is such a fabulous mother.. Danny is so very proud of her, as he watches out for her and listens to every beat of her heart.

Jackie and I are very close, always have been, and we both miss Danny for the exact same reasons...

Please try to believe that if our angels were not together in a place close to us, we could not be connecting like this, here. I have made a "family of friends" as a result of this tragedy, and  the endless amounts of compassion that you will find from people like all of us that know you well now, will carry you through. I would miss all of the people that have made me who I am today, and, with a few exceptions, I need each and every one of you!!

There is no grey area after something like this. You will find, in time, that "it is, or it isn't" becomes a way of life.

Please email me, OK?

LOVE

mamabets

xoxoxo

  

[summergirl]

Hello to all - such beautiful, sad and sometimes painful stories. I have also enjoyed our balck lab. Her name is Kaylie, she is 10 now. One evening Jessica brought her home and I remember telling her that Dad was not going to be happy with a puppy in the house so she took her into the livingroom and put her in the "Dad Recliner" and left her there asleep. When her Dad came home he went in to sit down and there was this little puppy, he said "whats this, no puppies" and then he picked her up and she licked his face and has been with us ever since. When I take her to the cemetery she always goes right to Jessica and sniffs around, amazes me. At home right after Jessica left us she would go into Tavian's room after he was asleep and lie down next to his bed - this is a dog who has never slept any where except our room ever since she arrived. I know that she senses our pain and she protects Tavian as much as she can. If only they could speak to us with words, yet our Kaylie is so smart and I don't believe she ever thinks she is a dog, she thinks she's human like us. I have never met a more intelligent and loving dog and I thank God for the times that I have hugged her neck and cried and she licks the tears from my face.

I am having a hard time (nothing new) but this is my first Christmas that I will not have a child in the house in 30 years - I am so lost just thinking about Tavian being with his other Grandmother for Christmas. I know I have to "share" the holidays and it works out that this is her Christmas - yet I do not want to let him go. Last night we made homemade candies and he had so much fun - he asked if we could do it every night!! How am I going to do this without him - or - do I need this time to get through this holiday by myself, I have been so sad for so long it is such a part of my life, I want it to stop but if I let myself "live" or "go on" it feels like such a betrayal to my Jessica. What torment I put myself through and yet I cannot go a minute without her in my thoughts. Maybe I do not want to get better, maybe I keep myself in this place of pain as I feel guilty for not bringing her home from the hospital, for not knowing that there was something wrong, for not knowing that she was leaving me that night when we hugged good-by!! 

I love you my Jess and how I miss you, your smile, laughter, beauty and your free spirit. Mom

God Bless all and Peace be with you. Kathy 

[mamabets]

For summergirl~ My niece has a black lab.."Oliver"~ He is a beautiful animal, both inside and out!!

We have our 4 little doxies, our little 16 feet...We have gotten a friend that I "met" here hooked on them as well. She and her family have 2 of them...Little puppies! They have helped her so much this past year...She lost her only daughter 2 1/2 years ago.

This is such a rough, rough road. I wish that I had the magic words; the magic wand. I do know one thing that is for certain...

Our angels will never know a pain like this- Not ever, not anymore, including those that suffered so before passing on.  Such a blend of horror stories~The stories that include cancers and other dreadful diseases, mixed with those that took our kids in the blink of an eye. How a lifetime could bring the ultimate pain to such good people...I don't get it, and I think that somewhere along these past few years I have just had to surrender to the "not needing to know", otherwise I could drive myself mad.

I have never said "why me", for I always knew that there was always a mother that was losing her baby at any hour of any day. I was no exception...

I do believe that when our moment of settling into our eternity comes, none of this agony will matter. It will be so far, far behind us.

Your holiday with Tavian being with his other grandmom will pass... The "leading up to" is often harder than the actual day. Hang close to all of us here, and we will help as much as we can. Feel all of Jess' love, and know how proud she is of you always, as she tells all of her angel friends..."That is MY MOM, living and loving for MY BABY"

LOVE

mamabets 

[mamabets]

For sherrie8168~ This is a quilt that was made for me, and given to me for Christmas, 2005... He had left us in June of 2004, and the time that was put into making this was, and still is, remarkable.

It was made from Danny's clothes, and I can not begin to tell you how it brought me to my knees when I recieved it. I opened the box, and saw so many clothes that we had given to him ...So many clothes that he had worn...So many things that had such special meaning to him..Different shapes, different textures, all representing the pride that he took in trying to feel good about himself, always so immaculate, his beautiful smile always ready to surface.

All of him,was now all that I had... Something that will always remain, because we will always be.

At the time,I was almost afraid of this beautiful gift~

I remember thinking "Where are you, my sweet Danny??" I automatically took it in my arms and began to rock.

Then, as I took it back to my bed,  wrapped myself in it, as it began to "glow", I kid you not. It has brought me such great comfort, and I do not know where I would be today without it today. If one of our little doggies are under the weather, I take the SUPERMAN "S" and place it on them. They just cozy up, sigh and feel better. Danny was a huge Christopher Reeves fan.

I will go and just "be" with this masterpiece often and listen with my heart, as Danny talks to me... The love that went with creating this quilt will never be forgotten. Life has changed, people have changed, but me and my Danny have not, and he will forever be mine...

LOVE

mamabets 

[mamabets]

For sherrie8168~ Beautiful, too, is your dear Bill...All of our beautiful angels are hanging out together, and smiling~

I truly believe this, for their love and laughter lives on~

LOVE

mamabets

 

 

[sherrie8168]

mamabets,

Just wanted to share Bill's t-shirt quilt. I had it made from his baby and little boy t-shirts that I had saved. It was finished one month before he died. He really loved it. Now, I wrap myself in it with him and all of his little memories.

[mamabets]

For sherrie8168~ In this world of darkness that we seem to have found ourselves in, things like this remain to be my bright light...

It is beautiful, and your Bill is woven into each and every stitch...

God Bless You~

LOVE

mamabets

[luvumicheal]

its been 52 days ...my heart hurts very much today...my first thought in the morning is "my boy" ...I think about him all day...everyday...today is a sad day for me...downward spiral...

[analisa4]

It has been 85 days since my son left me and it is as hard as it was that fateful night. I cannot pretend that all is "merry and bright"  when it isn't...we are incomplete. My boy is gone and I miss him so much...We went to where he passed yesterday and fixed his cross, took him more flowers and left our Nativity there for him. I cannot believe that he is NEVER coming home again...How do I as a mother find the strength to be "normal" for my other children? I don't even have a tree up, no presants wrapped and no desire to do either. I know that I am being an awful Mother to them right now, but I am consumed with my own saddness. Will they ever forgive me? They are 14 and 11 and know that I am  broken...but how do I go on? His 22nd. Birthday will be on the 31st. how do I get through the pain of that as well. I am sorry.  I know that each of us has our own pain to endure, but I am so heartbroken right now and need help from those who know what I am going through...please know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

[bbarbie55]

Hi! I just want to say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. I know my Bobbi would want me to go on even if I don't feel like it but I have her son and her sister to think of. My prayers are with all of you at this holiday season remember the reason for the season it helps.

God bless you all Deb

[mikesmum]

[user=18500]analisa4[/user] wrote:

It has been 85 days since my son left me and it is as hard as it was that fateful night. I cannot pretend that all is "merry and bright"  when it isn't...we are incomplete. My boy is gone and I miss him so much...We went to where he passed yesterday and fixed his cross, took him more flowers and left our Nativity there for him. I cannot believe that he is NEVER coming home again...How do I as a mother find the strength to be "normal" for my other children? I don't even have a tree up, no presants wrapped and no desire to do either. I know that I am being an awful Mother to them right now, but I am consumed with my own saddness. Will they ever forgive me? They are 14 and 11 and know that I am  broken...but how do I go on? His 22nd. Birthday will be on the 31st. how do I get through the pain of that as well. I am sorry.  I know that each of us has our own pain to endure, but I am so heartbroken right now and need help from those who know what I am going through...please know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

I have been searching for the words or a phrase that describes these past months.  Feeling like something is missing, something is left undone......."we are incomplete".  Never a truer word spoken....my children were always a set of three.  They are 33 months apart from Micheal to his baby brother Steven....Melissa is in the middle.  We have been apart in our lives, but I am still struggling with the concept of never coming home or seeing my son again.   While mine are older than your 14 and 11 year old, I guess the reaction is similar.....as the broken, sad and grieving parent  lost in a world where nothing makes sense...they felt a second loss, that of their mother and the world they had known all their lives.

You children are also grieving and need to find their way through this time of loss and sadness.  You wonder if they will ever forgive you....there is nothing to forgive.   The presents, the tree all lose their importance at this time of the year.  Hold tight to each other. 

My youngest speaks little of his brother, cries much and holds me tight each time we see each other. I have no words that will soothe him, no wisdom to make him understand, no life experience that gives me the answers.......for I too am lost.....

You are in my thoughts ....take care....will think of you on the 31st.....

Blessed be..

[mamabets]

For All~ Thinking of you, and hoping with all that I have that the next couple of weeks will bring some sort of comfort for you, if only for a moment. The holidays can bring such additional pain, so if only a moment can find each of you, it can be the starting point to a place that screams "PLEASE, find me, still here, trying to find SOME sort of peace, an ounce of comfort..."

In the event that this is impossible, know that I am sending all that I can to all of you~ My God, I know all of these feelings oh so well~

God Bless you all, and listen, as our angel kids are forever whispering sweet melodies around us all~

LOVE

mamabets

xoxoxoxoox  

36_15_7.bmp

[sherrie8168]

It has been only 37 days....long, hard, lonely, empty, scary, stressful, pitiful, sad,sad, sad days. We did put up a tree and hung the stockings. I have so many ornaments that my boys made in school growing up. My tree reminds me of them and now...especially of my beautiful Bill.

God grant each of us a peace-filled heart and a grateful heart for having had our children as gifts in our lives. We WILL see them again. Now they can watch over us and we need never worry about their safety and health again. God be praised.

Holding each of you in my heart.

Sherrie

Bill's Momma

[summergirl]

Hello to all - it is Christmas Eve day and I am still hanging on, it has been 4 days since Tavian has went to his Grandmother's and I miss him so. I just finished putting all of his presents under the tree and I feeling no happiness, just another day and wishing it were over and done with. Tomorrow will be brighter I know, when I go pick him up at noon and bring him home - he will be so excited to see that Santa has been here. I know that I have come a long way and I have to agree with mamabets, I should not ask "why me" as there are so many others on this road and so many more to come each and every day and I feel their pain so intensely sometimes that I just want to call each of them and say "you can do this", we do go on no matter what our minds tell us, we wake up each day and function, we grieve, yet we keep living and one day we will find ourselves laughing, seeing the sunshine and enjoying this life that God has given us as much as we can. There are days when I do not know how to live without Jessica yet I move forward with baby steps and backwards now and again. I know that Jessica would not want me to stop my life so I try hard to live each day for both of us, to see the beauty in the world and to love those who surround me, my family, friends and especially Tavian. He has suffered such a loss and I have been given the chance to have Jessica's son in my life, to raise him, love him, teach him and help him as much as I can. So I will celebrate my Jessie's life with Tavian and I will not let my sorrow drag me into a pit where I can never climb out.

My heart is with all of you, my saviors and friends, I pray that you all make it through the holidays as best you can and know that we are all here in spirit and heart.

Peace and Hugs to all - Kathy

My beautiful Angel Jess, I miss you so, love you so - Mom

 

[momgran]

I would like to extend my heartfelt wishes for moments of peace and love to you all this Festive Season.

Yesterday, my brother-in-law passed peacefully away in the early hours of the morning.  My heart goes out to my sister and her family.  They were married 43 years.  Another Angel to share with us this Christmas.  I will be spending tonight with my Fiance's parents, and then on to my son and his wife tomorrow for Christmas Dinner.  I am definitely more in the 'spirit' of Christmas this year and I know it is mainly due to the tremendous love and support I have received from my family, friends and all you dear parents here on B.I.

I miss my precious Pippa, Kieran and Andrew with all my heart, but I am learning to live and enjoy life with them tucked inside my heart and my mind and not always with such unbearable pain as I felt in the early days.

Love Peace and Patience to you all

Debbie

 

 

[mikesmum]

Debbie, may your experience give you the strength to be a guide for your sister as she begins her journey.  I know you have been one of the many that has seen me through darker days with a promise that 'eventually the pain eases'. 

Kathy, your words as always give me hope that perhaps the abyss of darkness created by losing a child leads through to another place, a place where we find strengths to live on, to be a light for others who might join us here.  Relive the joy and excitement of Christmas through the gift Jess has given you, Tavian.

To all my 'online friends' who greeted me on my arrival and continue to be the strength that allows me to live on - I thank you for your words, your wisdom and for sharing your stories.  It serves to allow me to be here with my family, to know I am not alone and there truly is another day waiting.

Merry Christmas to you all, to your families.  Merry Christmas to those who have bought us here, our children, maybe gone, but never never never forgotten.

Merry Christmas Micheal, my son, my son.......I love you so, I miss you more than my heart can bare.........

[shuugar]

Merry Christmas in Heaven-

Christmas trees all lit up

But this year your tree will be lit

By the stars.

 Oh how beautiful it will be!

As the morning breaks, you will be in

My heart, soul and thoughts.

You will shine through my eyes,

Now and Forever.

[briansdad]

I'll light a candle for all of our children.

[mamabets]

For briansdad~ I am so proud to share with all here, this beautiful gift that you had done for your dear Jan, Christmas, 2007.

You found me here, many long months ago, and as we know, our angel kids live on. Brian has shared his life, again and again, especially here with his beautiful smile.  We will forever miss him, but his memories remain so strongly intact~

In his own miraculous way, it certainly seems, he has never left...

The gift of you, the miracle of Brian...

I love you and keep those lights shining bright, for they are lighting up all of our skies.

LOVE

mamabets

[sherrie8168]

What a heavenly painting of Brian. WOW !!! 

Thank you, Briansdad, for lighting candles for our children.

They will light the stars for us as a way for us to find our way in this "darkness".

All---I wish God's peace for your heavy hearts, memories to sustain you through the hard days, and your angel in heaven pulling for you to live a life filled with joy.

Merry Christmas, my "heart-friends".

Bill's Momma

Sherrie

[analisa4]

First off what a beautiful son you have...thank you for lighting a candle for our children...I have been Blessed to have found this site and am both saddened and grateful to have found each of you....God Bless each and everyone of us...

[momgran]

My neice gave birth to her first child, Miguel Antonio Alejandre, at 12:43 am on December 25, 2007!  Little Miguel arrived 7 weeks early and his Mom and Dad haven't been able to hold him yet!  They can only touch him with a couple of fingers.  My neice will be going home tomorrow, but little Miguel will stay in hospital for 4 weeks while his little lungs fully form!  My neice and my daughter, Pippa, had a special friendship over the years and I know Pips and Kieran are with this little baby and keeping him safe.  Please pray that he gets ever stronger and will go home with his Mommy and Daddy soon!

Love Peace and Patience

Debbie

[analisa4]

Debbie, please know that your family is in my prayres...my twins were 13 weeks early and are very healthy 11 yr. olds now...your daughter will watch over Miguel and he will be ok...God Bless you and keep you and your family in the palm of His hand...

[mamabets]

Hi Deb~ My best friend's grandson- 6 weeks early and a little monkey now!!! I just saw him the other day, he is now the middle of 3 wee ones!! He was just a year in July!!!

He has a 3 year old sister, and a 3 week old little brother.. 

Prayers galore to all of you, as I know things like this can scare us, given our circumstances...The most positive person in the world can see this little guy and say "Oh, no..."

BUT, I promise...Just stay close to here and you will hear of many of us who's lives have been touched by these little babies that decide to come a bit early!!

This one?? A Christmas blessing forever more...

LOVE

mamabets

[momgran]

analisa4:  Thank you so much for your encouraging words!!  What a joy your 11 year olds must be for you having beaten the odds!  My babies were all born' late' and weighed nearly 9 lbs so I'm not accustomed to such frail little people.

mamabets:  Thank you my dear.  Again, you are all coming to my side to comfort me in a difficult time.  I cannot tell you how it helps for you to share your experience with me so that I can feel some encouragement.  I had such a meltdown yesterday morning but I managed to pull myself together and went on to have a beautiful day.

This feeling of 'dread' can come over me when our family has to face such precarious situations!  I think after we suffer the ultimate tragedy of losing our children, it makes it extremely difficult to trust life again.  I was so prepared to have a 'good' Christmas with my family and feeling a little glow of joy when I got the news on Sunday morning that my brother in law passed away suddently early that morning, December 23.  Two of my sisters and my brother and his wife (little Miguel's grandparents) were planning to fly to be with my sister and her family on Christmas night for my brother in law's funeral today.  Then on Christmas Eve night, when my neice went into labour, my sister in law had a fall and broke her foot!! So while her daughter was in labour, she was in hospital having a cast put on her foot!  Can you believe it!  So in the end, my two sisters and my brother flew out last night and were with my sister and her family today to say farewell to our dear Jack.

Despite this story of mayhem, we had a lovely day yesterday with my fiance's parents, my son and his wife and my daughter in law's parents!  We ate, drank, and made merry and toasted our absent loved ones, who were so very close to us on that special day.  We told stories of our memories of Pippa and Kieran and Jack!  What else could we do but make the most of the loved ones we still have in our lives and honor those who've left us.  Sometimes I wonder where we all get the strength from, and then I think, our children/grandchildren who've left us must be there for us, otherwise I don't think we'd make it through one more day!

Also, when I feel lost and alone and that I can't make it through another day, I come to visit you dear hearts on here and you run to my side!  How grateful I am for your love and support and I hope that you all find peace as you travel on this long, difficult road.

Love Peace and Patience

Debbie

 

 

[momgran]

mikesmum:  Thank you so much for you kind words.  I really do hope I can be there for my sister.  She had just completed radiation treatment for breast cancer (she recently had a mastectomy) when her husband passed suddenly.  We all know how grief can rob us of our will to live and I pray she can find the strength to get through this! She has a wonderful family and I hope we can all provide the strength she will need to carry on and heal, both physically and emotionally.

Love Debbie

[summergirl]

briansdad - thank you for the lighting of the candles for our loved ones - what a beautiful thing to do.

momgran - so sorry for your sister's loss, I pray for her and the family and also for you to have the strength to help guide her on this journey, such a hard one.

My Christmas was not as expected, Tavian didn't come home until today. First he was to come home at noon and then Grandma called and said they were going to one of Tavian's friends house for a little Christmas party and then to her side of the family for dinner! At about 4pm Tavian come running up on our deck and I was so happy to see him and then he looked at me and said "i'm not staying mi-mi, I am going with Grandma to dinner but I will be back", he gave me a big hug and turned and went back to the car. His grandmother said she wanted to bring him by before they went so I could see him! I wanted to go grab him from the car but he looked so happy what could I do? So they left and I had a total melt down, sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor sobbing my heart out. Anyway, at around 7 she called and said they were still at dinner so I told her to keep him over nite and I would get him first thing this morning. I knew he would be so exhausted from the day that there would be no joy in opening his presents and having "Christmas" that late. So, I cried again and then spent a quiet evening with my husband looking at all the presents under the tree and missing my Jess and Tavian. But, he came home today and it was a wonderful, joyful experience watching his face as he opened the presents. He looked so much like his mommy that it took all I had not to break down yet again. We had a great day and now he is in his bedroom playing and so very tired but not ready to give in to sleep. Thank God for little children

My sister-in-law, Jen, the one who told me of this site is such an amazing woman, just in her late 20's and so wise. She understands how I feel as I have told her about how when the family gets together they never mention Jessica, like she never existed. On Christmas Eve we went to my in-laws and all the family was there and Jen said to all "I am starting a new tradition, I am lighting this candle for Jessica and it will burn until we all leave and we will light it each time we are all together". It was such a beautiful glass candle holder with a bright shining candle, I was so grateful to her, for her kindness and for showing all how important it is for us to have our children remembered.

I hope everyone has made it through this holiday, it is so hard yet so beautiful at the same time. Jessica was and is my forever angel and I miss her so yet I see her in little Tavian each time I look in his eyes and see his smile - she lives on through him and in my heart and although I cry each day and miss her as much today as I did that fateful night I will continue on this journey and try hard each day to find sonmething positive.

God Bless all and love to all of you - Kathy

I am attaching a picture of Tavian, it is when were on the train coming back from the city and my sister-in-law Jen took it of him laying down on the seat and she made this for me for Christmas - it is the most beautiful Christmas present anyone could ever give me!! I hope it comes up ok. 

[mikesmum]

Kathy - powerful strength shown in leaving Tavian overnight with his other Gran....What an amazingly insightful picture of this beautiful boy.  His eyes look deep into the soul.....the caption is so appropriate.

We also started a candle lighting tradition this Christmas.  I found a candle that burns and the colours of the rainbow move thru the candle.  Mikes ashes are on our bookshelf in our family room.  Our tree was set up there and the candle burned brightly while gathered to open our presents.  It really did lift the mood. 

Your stories of Tavian serve to remind me that my Grandbabies light my sometime dark and cold heart.......thank you for sharing him with us here.

[analisa4]

Kathy, what a beautiful child Tavian is!! You are so Blessed to have him...I love the candle lighting tradition. How thoughtful of your sister-in-law.  I light two candels everyday for my Nick. His ashes are on a table in our living room and on either side we have cross candle holders. I say goodmorning my boy and give him a kiss. I cannot believe it will be three months since he left tomorrow...In one breath it feels like a lifetime since I've seen him, but in the next only a brief moment...I do miss him so...I just don't know how I will get through his birthday on the 31st. That will take all the strength I have left. I am so sorry going on and on. I just wanted to tell you how beautiful your little guy is...God Bless...

[mamabets]

For momgran~ This "test" is getting to be a BIT out of control here!!! Come on life, PLEASE cut a little slack here for you!!!!!

ENOUGH on poor Deb's plate!!!!!!!!!

I do have visions of this sweet baby bringing many heavenly stories to your hearts...

LOVE,

mamabets

 

[analisa4]

Just thinking of all of you and hoping that you've found some bit of peace today...know that I hold you all in my heart and pray for each and everyone of you daily....Ours is a "group" of broken parents trying to find strength to breath and I am Blessed to have found you...It has only been three months tonight that my baby boy left this Earth...I cannot believe it has been that long...but as I take my next breath, I realize that I haven't seen my boy in such a LONG time...I miss him so...I want to hug him and tell him how much he meant to me...how proud I was of him, how happy he made me and how his smile brightened my day...I have a message that he left on my phone for Easter...THANK GOD, I saved it, now I can hear his voice, but it isn't the same....I miss him so much....He will be 22 on Monday and I cannot imagine how the day will play out...I wish I could sleep through it and not even acknowledge it...but that wouldn't be fair to him...he deserves more...I know that. Please keep me in your thoughts as I try to get through the next few days....Thank you in advance my friends...God Bless you all....

[k8smum]

i will be thinking of you and sending light your way on monday. birthdays are so hard.

annie

http://caitlin-mayes.memory-of.com/