Loss of an Adult Child

[veronicasmom]

Thank you, summergirl, I needed to hear compassionate words today.  Like you I can't yet go to any of Veronica's favorite restaurants or cook any of the meals she loved.  It has been five weeks but I just can't.  Actually it is hard to cook at all.  Here the weather is getting dreary and gray and today as I passed the cemetary where she is buried I found myself thinking I hope she is not too cold.  She is on my mind constantly. 

Recently I have been going through some guilty thoughts.  At the hostpital we were given a decision to make.  Should we have pursued with the operation to remove the blood clot? Or was it right that we just let her go?  The neurosurgeon told us that her brain had been extremely damaged, if she survived the operation there would be extensive neurological consequences or she could have stayed in a coma forever.  He told us that if it was his wife or daughter he would let them go.  So we did, because Veronica was very active, full of life and that's what she would have wanted.  She also had a living will stating that.  But now I wonder if we did the right thing.  I go over and over the decision in my mind.  Did we do the right thing?  Even if not complete we might have her here.  I would take care of her.  But is it right? 

The Compassionate Friends meeting was good.  A bit too emotional for the ones that have enough to grieve without having to listen to other grievers.  I found it settling and will return, my husband decided not to.  We each have to grieve our own way.  I decided because of this group that I will keep one tradition we have always had in our family.  There will be a Christmas stocking filled for my two sons, but not a tree.  The stockings are now showing aging signs, but these stockings with each initial on it mean alot.   But I also wish I could just close my eyes and only wake up when this season is over.  I am also gald I found this group.  D.

 

 

 

[Artina]

Veronicasmom,

 

I completely understand your guilt... I think in some ways we all feel guilty about something attached to our child's death.  However, I know that not one of us made a dedision the day that our children crossed over that involved "wanting" this outcome.  

I know that each one of us would have given our own life for our child's life- you too.  Guilt is just one more emotion that we go through in the grief process...  it's not your fault.  (((HUG))) 

 

Tina

[namarella]

Veronica’s mom, I can identify when you say you want to wake up when the season is over.  There is an assumption of joy and whole families this time of year, and the fact that we’re not joyful or whole is brought home to us again and again.  It’s a bit hard to take.  Our daughter and grandson moved abroad exactly one year after Eric died, so this is our first Christmas without either child.  Instead of waking up in our home Christmas morning to this fact, we’re leaving town a few days before Christmas and will be on the road.  Instead of visiting other family members on Christmas eve, we’re hosting an open house in a couple weeks.  I think the holidays just emphasize to me that life will never be normal again, but we’re seeking to make a new normal for us.

One thing I find very difficult still is to be around people who don’t know that we’ve lost our son.  Inevitably, the conversation will turn to children, how many do we have, what do they do, where do they live - completely innocent questions anyone might ask.  I find myself retreating from the conversation, quieting and hoping no one asks me - and when they do, what do I say?  Telling a group of people about our son who died is a certain conversation stopper, but neither can I avoid the issue and say I have only one child.  I work in an environment where I don’t tend to meet many new people, so I don’t have to deal with this very often, though it came up at Thanksgiving when I was with some people I’d never met before.  I was wondering how others handle this...I presume it’s something I’ll deal with better as time goes by, but for now it’s difficult.

My heart goes out to everyone as we all try to deal with this holiday season, to create new traditions, perhaps to cling to the familiar...whatever works.   But always remembering our kids and the joy they’ve brought us.  Thanks, Loris mom, for the poem, it said it so well.  Colleen, Eric’s mom

[summergirl]

Veronicasmom - I am glad that I could help in some very small way. I still am amazed at this site as when I sometimes read other peoples words I feel as though they have read my thoughts and are writing them for me. When you spoke of going past the cemetery and wondering if your daughter is cold I had such a flash back. I used to lie in bed and sob as it would be cold and windy out and I would tell my husband that I just wanted to go to the cemetery and cover Jess with a blanket! I would make myself crazy with so many thoughts knowing in my mind I shouldn't be thinking that way yet my heart speaks a different language.

I too have felt so much guilt about Jessica, although we had no idea that she had a rare heart disease I feel that I should have known or felt that something was wrong but she had not been to the emergency room with chest pains for almost two years and so even though I worried as all mothers do I never thought in a million years that she was dying day by day and I didn't know. I always brought Jessica home from the hospital, we would go to the emergency room and they would test her and then tell us she was fine and we could go home. The nite she passed I remember going to the hospital and seeing her and I could not understand why all the doctors and nurses and my husband were standing outside the door watching me as all I knew at that moment was that I was waiting to take her home and then my sister-in-law told me it was time to go and I told her I couldn't leave without Jessica as I always brought her home. I feel as though I failed her and yet I know that no matter what I did or said nothing would change - it was her time to go home with God and no matter what I wanted it was God's choice. I also feel guilt as my husband is a fireman and he heard the call come over about Jessica, an adult female unresponsive at Fiddlers Cove - a local restaurant/bar that she and her friends went to now and then - it never crossed my husband's mind that it might be Jess - we always worry about the car accidents and such but not that. Yes, I would trade places with her if I could but God took her for a reason and left us with Tavian for a reason and so I try hard to focus on him and what he needs - we save each other. The first Christmas without her I did not want a tree or decorations but how do you tell a four year old that we aren't having a tree so we did everything the same yet so different and the look in his little eyes that morning told me that we had done the right thing no matter how much it hurt our hearts. I find such strenght from a now 5 year old and I thank God for him everyday, for without him I don't think I could have survived this loss - God gave him to Jessica for four years and now to us so there is a reason for everything.

I have not heard of any group called compassionate friends yet it seems like a good thing for you. I understand your husband not returning as that was the big topic at our house this evening - my husband and I grieve so differently - he rides by to see her at the cemetery and says "hey Jessica, hows my girl, I love you" and I go see her and cry everytime - sometimes I tell her I have to leave as I just cannot be there right now and I know she understands. My husband has been on this site but said it is too hard for him to read such pain as it brings his pain to the surface and he doesn't like that - I am the opposite, it brings me pain for all of us walking this long road together and yet it is so comforting to be able to talk about anything and everything without question.

Today I had an encounter with the woman who takes care of the cemetery, I have known her for some time and there were about 5 of us having a cup of coffee before work and I asked her if I could plant a small tree for Jessica and she said no and I said why not and she said because it is a single plot and I said that should not matter and she said well, it does and you should have thought about that before you bought a single plot - I looked at her and said I'm sorry but the size of the plot was not something I was thinking about at the time and second of all Jessica's grandparents bought the plot for her - I was so angry at her lack of compassion that I could hardly make it through the day - everyone at the coffee table got real quiet as I put my coat on and left with tears flowing down my face. I know that I have to forgive some people as they don't understand but for someone who is in charge of the cemetery where loved ones are should have alot more compassion than she has. I have let go of the anger but will not forget. 

Every day is hard yet some days are more painful and as we all have said Christmas is one of the hardest and then I have february - Tavian's birthday is the 11th, Jess passed on the 18th and my little brother passed on the 28th. So hard to celebrate Tavian's birthday as I know one week later is "the date". I go back in my mind and think of how true it is that it is best we don't know when our time is up, I look back and it is hard to imagine that as we celebrated Tavian's 4th birthday I did not know I only had one more week with my daughter, than five days, then two days and than minutes and seconds - how would I possibly have survived knowing the count down.

I have rambled on enough and I thank all of you for enduring my long postings but sometimes your fingers just keep going over the keys and cannot or do not want to stop.   Prayers and hugs to all.

[judy20]

Dear summergirl, I always went to the profiles to read about the writers and their kids,but now there is very little info. How old was your daughter and what did she die from. My only child died of heart disease too. He was 41. It will be a yr. in 8 days.I can,t wrap my head around it. I still can,t except it. I resent being condemned to this life sentence.It feels like you have been unjustly accused and convicted and sentenced.

[luvumicheal]

hello all.....trudi, mamabets,tina,colleen,summergirl.....as weeks pass.....I pray and hope to god that everything will get better....I dont feel well.....I think to myself...my son ....my baby.....who will never be .....it's almost like once upon a time...and it hurts...it hurts so much that my son once was and is no longer.....once upon a time....I had my boy who was evidently going through something awful.....I see his face...I hear his laugh.....pictures in my head.....1 year old ..2....3.....and so on.....good times bad times....all times.....what happend mike? why? I miss you soooo much.....my daughter keeps having these dreams..she;s been waking up crying.....this hole in my heart....constant pain.....I have to fight with myself to keep my sanity.....keep telling myself the same thing....hes not here...at times its hard to think...he's in my heart always...which will always be true....but then reality sinks in...he's gone..in all reality..hes not here....he gone..and I will only see him in my dreams.....I wanna hug my son....I wanted to tell him i was there...he didnt give me a chance to intervene..and now i will suffer for always ..I know you are all here ...and I know that each and every one of you is going or has gone through something similar.....but it is soooo difficult to fight this pain.....this never ending pain ..and these questions......if only...what if?.....

[daveydow1]

Hi to all at BI,

I have not been on BI for quite some time. (Still trying to find my way around

this new format).  Just sending prayers, and hoping that everyone will be able

to get through this holiday season, since it is so very difficult.

                                  Daveysmom,   Sherry

[mikesmum]

Jackie - Its been 11 months since my Micheal died.  Somethings never leave you. They may ease but never never leave.  The hole in your heart and the neverending questions.  Like you I sit and wonder what could I have done differently that would have allowed me to keep my son here with us all.  The answer, harsh as it sounds, nothing.  Like your Micheal, mine had the love and support. But somewhere in his mind in his world, he felt his options slipping away.  To love and lost or in my Micheal case to love and never have that love returned was something I think now was more than he could bare.

The memories of the little boy that you held when he was scared, the pride you felt with every obstacle he overcame.  The fact that for all those years, a simple hug and hello were taken for granted. Know in your heart that Micheals life should not be the sum of how or when he died.  He was a energy in your life, the enormous pain you feel now reflects the depth of the love you have for your son. 

I can't promise anything, but stay close to those who get where you are,  the pain, it eases.  There comes a time, and I believe I am getting there, where I can think of Micheal not as gone, but as a warm vibrant man that is such a large part of my life.

Micheals memorial and the messages left help me alot to find a less painful place.

http://Micheal-Shane.virtual-memorials.com/main.php?action=reflections&mem_id=10554.

Thinking of you

[Artina]

Luvumichael,

 

(((HUG)))... it's hard... we are here for you.  This January will be 6 years... yet I remember every word that you are writing- as my own.  The pain has eased and the days that I visit that pain are further and further apart.  I hold a place in my heart that feels like Chris is with me and it has brought healing with time.  Please hang on... keep writing and reaching out.  Little by little... healing happens.... not in a way that I can outline- it just happens.

 

(((HUG)))

 

Tina

[lorismom]

For Judy20 ~ I just wanted to say that I will be with you by heart on your son's angel day, Dec. 9th. I know that the days leading up to it can be more difficult than the actual day itself. But I hope you may find some peace and serenity in the warm memories that you shared with your beloved Tony.

Also, just a reminder to all, Dec. 9th is the worldwide candle lighting ceremony. The link is http://www.compassionatefriends.org/2007_WCL/2007_WCL_Intro.htm

Peace to all,

Patty

[luvumicheal]

thank you artina..my name is jackie....And I am heart broken...today I went onto my space ..my son has a page dedicated to him...someone posted a picture of him...and he looked really good...I could'nt bear to look at it....he was smiling his humble smile....my baby....I miss him so...It hurts me so much that he had a mental disorder that I never picked up on....or rather he did a good job of hiding his feelings....its been a month (today)..and it feels like yesterday....it's like time has stopped for me...I relive 11/2 over and over....my son terminated his life and shattered my world ....my life has been altered forever....

[luvumicheal]

tavian looks just like his mom...god bless

[daveydow1]

For  luvumicheal,

      I am so sorry for your loss of your dear son. One month is such

a short short time since your tragedy.  My son, David, died in a

highway crash in June ' 03.  I do wish there was something I could

say to help, but I know there isn't.  I hope you can continue to come

to BI. It has been a real lifeline for me and others here. Everyone

understands and cares.  I  pray you can somehow find some measure

of peace as you travel this unwanted road we're all on.  Peace be with you.

                                      Daveysmom,      Sherry 

[summergirl]

Judy20 - I am sorry about your son - what type of heart disease did he have? Jessica had arrhythmogenic right ventricular dyslplasia - or in layman terms - the inner right wall of her heart was damaged and as the years went by it got worse and worse although the symtoms remained the same, occasional chest pains. The inner left wall of her heart was working over time to compensate for the right until it got to much and ended her life one Saturday morning while we were home asleep babysitting her son Tavian. I talked to her cardiologist and he was shocked at her death after all the testing that was done and nothing ever found until it was to late. Although he did explain that there is now a test that can be done to find this type of disease, it was not available when Jessica was tested when she was 18. We have had Tavian tested and he is fine but has to go back once a year for a retest, I don't know how many years we have to do that.  Jessica was 26 years old and not only my daughter but my best friend. Lately I have been so depressed and angry all at the same time. I cry until I am exhausted and then I cry some more. Today I was going through my big closet to get all the Christmas decorations out as Tavian wasn't home ( he goes with his other Grandmother every other weekend) and I thought it was a good idea to do it while he was away. Well, I came upon all of Jessica's belongings that we had brought home from her apartment and I just stood there looking at these containers and thinking "that is my daughter's life, in those boxes" and I just was numb - how can you put 26 years in boxes. I sat down and started to look through them, her clothes, her journals, her hat and shoes, her favorite pocketbook and everything still in it from the nite she passed, her coat she was wearing that nite and I honestly didn't know what to do with myself. So I just held her favorite pair of boots and I cried for a long time and begged her to forgive me for not knowing she was slowly dying and I as her mother did not know. I try to remember that her cardiologist said that even had she survived the heart attack she would have needed a new heart but it doesn't ease the pain, guilt, sorrow and the anger that I want my daughter back here with me and her dad and her son.

Jessica loved to write and kept journals for as long as I can remember, today I got them out and put them on my shelf and maybe some day I will look through them but right now I am to scared. I found a small book that she had written in and it had a poem in it that she wrote, here it is:

A dream is a place where you can find your true self

Where you are not afraid to open the door to the unknown

A dream is a place where the sun always shines and warms your soul

A dream is a place I want to be,

Free.

When I finished reading it I thought you are free now my baby - you are in a place where the sun warms your soul and you are not afraid of the unknown. Am I silly to find these words somehow bring a little comfort to me?

I dread the Holidays but they are really no different from any other day as she is not here - February is the hardest as we celebrate Tavian's birthday on the 11th and exactly one week later Jessica's date of the 18th and my little brother Billy on the 28th. Does one ever get through just one day without feeling the pain? I have read postings of those who have said it does get easier with time and that I will have a "normal" life again some day but I cannot imagine my life ever being normal again, there will never be a day where I open my eyes and pray it never happend or close my eyes and not go to sleep. I miss her with every second that passes and I cannot picture the future any different. Tavian needs me and I will never let him down but I will never be the same person, I just don't let him see that part of me. I know that he will forget her in time and maybe he needs to in order for his little mind to grow but when he is old enough he will remember through all theses postings and the MySpace memorial her friends made (it is amazing as they keep it going, almost two years now and they write evey week) and all of the journals I write for him. '

I have once again rambled on so I will say good nite and God Bless. Please all of you out there keep posting as I do not know what I would do if I couldn't come here and talk and listen. Thank you - Kathy 

 

[summergirl]

Jackie - I just wanted to say that my daughter Jessica's friends started a memorial site for Jessica on MySpace a few months after she passed. It took me some time to go on it and actually look at it and still to this day I cry each and every time yet I am so amazed at what her friends have done - there is music thats plays as many pictures go by in a slide show - all of Jessica and her friends and family. Her friends write comments all the time and it is heartbreaking yet beautiful to read their words as they write to Jessica and always tell a little story about something they did together over the years, or they just say they are thinking of her and miss her, so many words. I know how hard it must be for you so just take your time and go slow as it is so hard yet so beautiful at the same time. It makes my heart proud to know that Jessica is so loved and I know how much Tavian, her son who is 5 now, will appriciate it when he is older. No one ever wants to see a "new" member come to this site but we welcome you with hugs and prayers as we all walk this unwanted road together - we all need each other and although we will probably never meet face to face we will know each other in ways that not even my closest friends or family ever will. God Bless you - Kathy 

 

 

[mamabets]

For ALL~ As the holidays approach, know that while each of us are on different "roads" with this journey, we are all on the same highway...Detours here and there, as it comes with time...Detours that bring some peace, detours that take us back, detours that make us question..."Where to now, left or right???"- I find that  I do fairly well , until it is time to emotionally cope with anything...I then realize that all of my "coping skills" are no longer. I have been told this by my doctors as well..It is just a fact. I  flounder, AIMLESSLY, as do us all, in some way, shape or form. My mom is not well, going into a hospital tomorrow, and what a dynamo she is...ALWAYS happy, so in love with her five kids, grandbabies, great grandbabies, and now she is unable to walk after walking for miles a month ago... She was here in North Carolia with us when the call came in on Danny back in June of 2004..The "days" are replaying in my heart...My Jackie is named after her... An AMAZING woman, and I am STUCK in the mode that she may never be able to come here again... She has always loved zipping around to see all of her kids...I know what "quality" of life means to her...We have talked about it for so long, and I KNOW how she feels about seeing Danny and all of her Heavenly friends, but I also KNOW that she is still full of life, yet scared...We'll see what tomorrow brings. My eyes are so swollen that I can barely open them! I have so many wonderful memories, and she taught to me all of my MOM skills... Well, we pray to our angels and leave it all in their hands...My Dad and Danny passed within 6 weeks of each other...I have to keep KNOWING that they are in charge, within this great partnership with God...I love all of you, I feel your struggles, and will pray for all of us , as we journey on. And remember...We are all trying to get to where they are, and one day...We will!!

What a ride, and what a wait, but remember too...Our kids have begun our eternity for us...

LOVE,

mamabets

xoxoxoxo 

[mikesmum]

Mikesmom (Carol) thank you so much for visiting Micheal's site.  I visited your Michaels site and was inspired by what I could do and how my family could heal from BI and Micheals memorial. 

Kathy - I truly hope one day in the not too distant future you find the strength to read those journals.  Jess has such an insight and ability to put in to words a picture, a feeling and take you to the places in her mind.  Free, aren't they all now......I know I believe Micheal to be free and forever watching over us all.

Trudi

[mikesmum]

Mikesmom (Carol) thank you so much for visiting Micheal's site.  I visited your Michaels site and was inspired by what I could do and how my family could heal from BI and Micheals memorial. 

Kathy - I truly hope one day in the not too distant future you find the strength to read those journals.  Jess has such an insight and ability to put in to words a picture, a feeling and take you to the places in her mind.  Free, aren't they all now......I know I believe Micheal to be free and forever watching over us all.

Trudi

[shuugar]

Judy20,  Mikesmum

My heart goes out to you . The first year of loss I think is in many ways the hardest.

 For me; I think I was Still in shock and somewhat dazed, confused and everything seemed very surreal . (I still feel that way at times.)

 My son has been gone 1yr.and 8mo. The heart break and pain is still and always will be there  It;s just that the reality has set in much more than it felt that first year.

This time of the year with all the Holidays just around the corner and all the memories that spew forward in connection with them will also be very hard to go through compounded with the anniversary of you child's death is more that anyone should have to bear.

Although the sadness is with us everyday, it's peaked on these special days. My son Jame's birthday is Dec. 6th and again I'm faced with the "WHAT DO I DO"  I felt that way on his first Angel Day also.

 I had cake and some family over last year for both occasions and will do the same this year

It won't be easy but you will get through it. Do something Do nothing. Whatever you feel the need to do.

I too feel sentenced to missing my son forever.

 

 Virtual Memorials

[judy20]

Don,t take this the wrong way,but I envy you.You will always have part of your daughter through Tavian. I can only dream that some day,someone might come to my door looking for his father,and I will see my Tony in the eyes of that person. Crazy wish ,I know,but my son said ,when he was 23,a girl claimed he made her pregnant. I pray my grandchild is out there looking for us.

                                  Tony did not get his blood test when his Dr. told him he may have a problem. He did,nt tell us anything.I think he was in denial.The autopsy said he had blockage in all his arteries and his heart was enlarged. I believe he would,nt have survived very long,if we were able to bring him back,but he died of a massive heart attack,quickly,thank God.

                       I refuse to have Xmas.His grandmother is coming for the holidays and I prepared her that there will be no signs of Xmas here.I,m still overwhelmed with anger.

                                                 God Bless you and yours,Judy

[ericasmom]

HEllo to you my dear,

seems we took a leave of time at similar times. I too needed to be away for a bit, so many losses in my circle here. A young woman who grew up alongside my kids was missing in Alaska this summer, and finally was found after months of searching. The death of Kathy reopened all of my sadness as I grieved for her family. I feel so sad that anyone need go through what we have been going through. It makes my heart break to know that yet another mom and dad and siblings have to learn how to live again, new and somehow meaningfully. It seemed to also cause an imbalance in my system and I began to have evidence of PTSD, ( post traumatic stress), and I found it hard to live in the moment as I had learned to do. I was a nervous person unable to take delight in the moment which is very unlike me. So I am back to my old self, well not ever back to the old self before ERi died. I am hopeful that I will be able to lend my heart and spirit here, giving hope as well, to those that are new to this very difficult road.

You all will eventually find ways to get through this holiday season, and one way is to not have too much expectation for anything..or anyone. If you need to avoid some of the traditions then you should. If people say things that make you uncomfortable, let them know that there is no way for them to put themselves in your shoes, and that you would never want them to, but to please understand that grief is a completely unique experience for each of us. Grieving a child is unnatural and devastating and there is no time-table for it. I figure it is forever. I will continue to live my best life, I will laugh and take vacations when I can, I will continue to garden, and teach, and love others, I will continue to power-walk each morning and read each night, and I will love these things but I am never going to be exactly who I was before I lost my baby, just as any parent will never be the same as they were before their child was born. It is a simple equation really.

Be good to your bodies, drink a great deal of water to replace the tears you shed, to help your bodies stay hydrated because we often do not feel thirst and hunger while dealing with shock and despair. Please continue taking vitamins and medications that you took prior to this sadness. As much as you may never want to move again, get outside or to the gym and move. Your endorphins are at a low, and your body will create them if you are aerobic for 20 minutes or more. Who couldn't use a few more endorphins? Please know that when you take care of yourselves, you are honoring your child...honoring his/her life, and honoring the fact that they love you.

A great book to read; A Broken Heart Still Beats ...(or Also Beats) by two women that know where we all are. Powerful. A great memoir to read is; Name All the Animals by Alison Smith, and Paula, by Isabelle Allende. These people know how we feel each day.

I pray for each of us as we find our ways, working toward a peaceful day.

Dee

[summergirl]

Judy20 - I am sorry that Tony did not get a blood test but I believe every thing happens for a reason and although I am grief stricken, sad, lost and very angry I honestly know that being angry is not the answer, it is not going to change anything and it is not going to bring back my beautiful Jessica so I am trying hard to get past the anger. Please don't envy me and I am not taking it the wrong way it's just that I love Tavian with all my heart and soul and would die for him but there is a part of me that was so angry at God for allowing Tavian to have just 4 short years with Jessica and then He took her away from him and everyone that loved her - but I know that someday I will have the answers I seek here in this life - I have to admit that for a while I was angry that we suddenly had to become parents to a 4 year old - Jess was 26, my son is 30 and my husband and I had had an empty house for 3 years and we were enjoying our life as it was - we had raised our children and were finding out that it was nice having our home to ourselves and have the kids come visit as they did often - now when Tavian is gone every other weekend we look at each other and we don't know what to do - we are lost without him there and are learning to except the fact that he will be gone every other weekend until he is old enough to make his own choices. Talk about things coming full circle - so many emotions run through your mind and soul every day, every minute and then one day it just seems to fit - Tavian fits in our lives and has changed our lives in ways I never thought would happen and yet I am so blessed to have him so I can answer my own question as to why God only gave Tavian and Jessica 4 years together - God knew that my husband and I would be here to take care of him for Jessica and to love him and shelter him and raise him as Jessica wanted. I hope that I am making sense of all of this and I am not confusing anyone. I guess what I am trying to say is I am no longer angry and I am blessed in so many ways yet so heartbroken over Jess.

I understand how you are so persisstant about not celebrating Christmas, I do not think I would have Christmas yet again this year if we didn't have Tavian. We are taking him into the city to see the tree at Rockerfella Centre and to Times Square - it will be a first for my husband and so I guess having the little one with us has made us do things we never thought we would do!!!! I am sure my Jessica has a hand in it as she was always up for an adventure and lived life to the fullest. 

I wish you goodness, prayers and hugs - will talk again soon - Kathy 

[summergirl]

eicasmom - thank you for you wonderful words of wisdom. I have been blessed by finding this site as I have often said and yet each time I read or post I feel it again. It seems as though my days differ all the time - one day I can actually feel some happiness just doing a simple thing and I actually laugh and talk to my friends and then other days I just can't seem to function without crying and feeling so alone without my Jessica that I don't know what to do. I have been dreading saying the words "I an better" as it feels like such a betrayal to my daughter, how can my life possible get better now that she is no longer here. Yet I know in my mind and heart that going on with my life for myself and my daughter is what I have to do. I cannot raise Tavian or be a wife to my husband or a mother to my son if I do not move on. My husband says he hurts so much but has come to except the fact that she no longer lives on this earth with us yet she is everywhere and that brings him comfort and he hurts for me as I cannot feel as he does.  Some friends of ours lost their only daughter a few months ago - we were not close friends, the kind you know over a matter of years and are socially friendly - Cassie was only 19 and died in a car accident on her way home - we went to the wake and there were so many people there and I kept having flash backs of Jessica's wake - so many people came up to my husband and I and said they couldn't believe we came, how diffacult it must be for us and I told them it wasn't about us it was about the mother and father that just lost their only daughter and I know how that feels. The thing is I have not been in touch with them since and am feeling alot of guilt over that - I am afraid - I kept telling myself they were not ready to see me and so I would wait for a better time and since found this site I now know that the time is right for me to go see them - I feel as though I can now help them in some way as they now walk in our shoes and I know the heartache they feel. I need to be strong for them and not let my own grief get in the way of helping others.

I know what you mean about taking care of ourselves - I have gained 15 pounds and have not changed the way I eat. I have always been thin and now I feel ashamed of the way I look. I told my husband I am ready to go back to working out at the gym and he is happy for me - I figure I can lose the weight and work off some of the anger that I still carry with me - nothing like a good workout to get your fustrations out. Nothing will ever replace my Jessica and I will never stop hurting and wishing but I am ready to take another step in my life - I will live for her and continue to try and improve with each baby step I take.

Thank you - all of you for all your words and strength and comfort you bring to this site. I will try to get my friend to come on and see if she can find what I have found. God Bless and Hugs - Kathy

[mikesmum]

I have been noticing at change in me.  The number of days where I am lost alone isolated and in tears are becoming less.  The feelings of pain, loss, anger and the why's are still here but it's like they are being softened.

This week I received two invitations to celebrate birthdays.  Micheal was in a relationship for 10yrs before they went their seperate ways.  Lauren, his past partner is turning 30. Her 'baby' brother David is turning 21 that same weekend.   

In 1994 Laurens older brother, another Mike broke his neck in a swimming accident.  He came home a quad.  Mike & Lauren moved in with Laurens family and until they seperated provided ongoing support to Mike and Laurens young brother David.

I remember getting the call that day in 94.  "Micheal has had an accident, they think he has a broken neck and the helicopter is taking him to the Austin'.  It was one of their friends phoning.  No surname, I immediately assumed it was my Micheal.  I rang Laurens dad, he had had the same message.  I met Lauren and her mum at the hospital.  The look in her eyes was something I will never forget.  She put her arms around me and sobbed your Mike is okay, a bit shaky but ok.  The feeling of relief followed by enormous guilt hit me.

It was the same for Mikes mum when Micheal died.  She approached me at Micheals funeral, this time the look was one devestation. Neither Mike was okay.

It was my day to ramble.  To put it out there that I am about to re enter the social side of human life.  It is fraught with the opportunity to further gather memories of my loving son and days gone by.  It is also a time where memories of his going will be raw and untested.

Blessed be to those who know the difference between living and surviving.

Kathy, enjoy your day with Tavian.  I saw a sign in a craft shop and thought of you..

"God couldn't be everywhere, so he made Grandmas!"

 

This family have been devestated by my Micheals death.  As Lauren is one of our family, Micheal had been one of theirs. 

These birthdays will be a mixed emotional roller coaster.  Such a large part of their lives involved Micheal. 

[veronicasmom]

Yesterday my daughter's friend brought some of Veronica's belongings over.  She seems to do this in installments, maybe to protect me and for that I am grateful.  When I finally had the courage to check the box, I found so many things that I had given her through the years.  It was so hard.  Some of the items I had only given her as recently as September.  It made my heart break and I cried.  I can still hear her excited voice telling me how long she had been wanting this or that.  She was my only daughter, I wanted her to have certain special items.  She would have then passed them on to her own children.  And now, what do I do with these things?  Some were heirlooms from my mother, given from mother to daughter in many generations.  We were so happy that she had asked for them.  Yes, I have my sons, but I don't think they look at this the same way.  I repacked the box for now.  And just cried a little more.

Please check this site from the Compassionate Friends organization and light a candle on Sunday, December 9th at 7:00 pm to remember your child.

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/2007_WCL/2007_WCL_Intro.htm

 

[judy20]

Dear Summergirl, are you a new yorker. We are too. We left in 76 and are now retired in Az. I,ve been to Rockafeller Center. You will love it.

[summergirl]

Judy20 - Yes, I am originally from Iowa - raised on a farm and now here I am in New York for the past 23 years - We thought about retiring (many years from now!!!) somewhere else but I can never leave my Jessica. Besides I love the ocean, the people and although it is crazy in the summer I still love it. Tavian loves the beach, camping and fishing more than anything - we bought a camper - another thing we didn't plan on but it has actually been alot of fun - alot of our friends camp. We have a special place where we came right on the beach, nothing like waking up in the morning and watching the boats leaving the Harbor and you are 75 feet from the water.

My brother-in-law and sister-in-law are trying to adopt a baby and they just adore Tavian so they will be our guides in the City - they are so excited about all the things they want Tavian to see and do, I had to remind them he is only 5 and a half so he will be tired after a full day in the city but then again kids seem to have the energy I wish I did. I will take lots of pictures and post one.

How I wish Jessica were here to go with us - God she was so adventurous and alive that it is so hard to except the fact that she will never do anything with me again. Sometimes when I am driving alone I can all most feel her in the passenger seat looking in the mirror doing her make up as we were going shopping and I just look over at the empty seat and take a deep breath and tell her how much I miss all our shopping trips and how I would give any thing to trade places with her. Time will heal me I know - baby steps - belief that she will help me through all.

God Bless and Hugs - Kathy

[judy20]

I feel like the world went gray when Tony died. He loved to laugh and loved to kid. I am a very sober person,but he could make me laugh like noone else. That,s how I see him,playing with his dog,laughing,with tears coming down because he is laughing so hard. he was just starting to love who he was and enjoying life like never before. How cheated our kids were.

[summergirl]

So true - how cheated they are and how cheated little Tavian is for losing a mommy at the age of 4. I remember so many things about Jess that sometimes my mind is overwhelmed and I have to shut it down. On a Friday nite she would stop by after work and she would walk through the door and say "oh mom, sit down and let me tell you about the drama" and I would laugh and then listen to her tell me about her day. She was infectious and so true to herself and those she loved, she never let you down and always followed through. She had such big dreams for Tavian and now I must and want to see those dreams come true.

How do we walk this walk day and nite and still remain sane?

Kathy

[judy20]

Today is the last day I saw Tony.I hugged him,kissed him,told him I loved him. I can,t believe it has been a yr. since I saw his beautiful face,heard his voice,smelled his body. I,m not sure we are getting though the days sane.I am heavily medicated and am terrified to go off the drugs.The real world would be too much for me to take.

                                            Hugs&God Bless

                                                 Judy

[veronicasmom]

Dear Judy--I'll be thinking of you today.  I'm sending you a warm hug from my heart.  Mother to mother. 

Yes, it's correct, our children were cheated.  I have been thinking all this time of what a shame Veronica had to die so young.  But no, not a shame, she was cheated.  This is not how it should have been.  She had so much going.  Everyone she met would instantly like her.  Her smile would shine in a room.  We had so many plans for this summer--an entire family going to Europe.  We were searching for the best tickets, house rentals, fun places to see.  It would have been the big one.  I remember our long calls talking about all these details.  Just gone.  How do you go on when so much has been taken from you? 

[summergirl]

Judy20 - My heart breaks for your pain and sorrow - I just left my therapy session and I told her how I hate the fact that I am never going to hug, smell, kiss, talk, laugh, cry or anything else with my Jessica ever again - it has been one year, nine months and 17 days since I lost her and although I have made big steps I ache all the time. So many plans we had for the future all to taken away in one split second. So many plans she had for herself and Tavian, her future with her new job, so many dreams she had. I have asked myself a million times WHY?? Why my daughter? There is no answer.  I honestly know that my Jessica would not want me to live my life not functioning, not being alive - yet it is so hard to find the strength to pick myself up and do what must be done. I have spent a long time agonizing over the thought that if I moved on with my life was I betraying my daughter, was I putting her away, was I forgetting about her? I know the answer is NO - I cherish every memory I have of her, her first smile, steps, laugh, how she grew into a teenager and then a woman with a beautiful son and how we are the best of friends - there will never be a day that goes by that I don't think of her, and days where I cry endlessly but I am trying to accept the fact that I slowly walking down  the road to recovery, for myself, my family and mostly for Jessica.  I am trying to move foward and honor and love Jessica the best way I can and that is to live, love Tavian and enjoy every moment I can with him and the rest of my family and friends. Finding the strength is so hard but I am determined to do it and the first thing I did was get rid of the medication - I needed it but now I know that no amount of drugs is going to take the pain away, eventually you need to come face to face with all the pain and grief and try to make something positive come out of the loss.  

I know that I have traveled this road longer then some and I probably would tell me to get lost if I were in your shoes as I was so many months ago - no one would have ever convinced me that I would ever say the words I just spoke, that I can actually talk about Jessica without completely falling apart but I have and I am and I know she is proud of me.  I hope in some small way this will help you and others - that there does come a time, no matter how long it takes, when you will smile and laugh and live - you will always grieve and never will you not have moments of horrible pain and heartache but you will live on.

Therapy has been a Godsend to me, she is wonderful and I reccommend it for everyone walking this road but to be honest no matter what anyone says it all comes down to what we choose to do with our lives - live or die - and although I would trade places with my Jessica if I could - I cannot - God choose her for some reason I do not understand and I need to not question but believe.

Hugs and Prayers to all - Please keep posting as we all need this site, sometimes as much as we need to breathe. Kathy

[summergirl]

Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pour through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.

Kathy

 

[namarella]

You said it, Kathy, we have to choose to live or die.  It’s really sometimes that simple.  I remember when Eric was deep into the drug scene and we’d been through numerous failed attempts at rehab, but when he finally told me “mom, I want to LIVE.”  And he did...he had come so far in recent years and we were all so hopeful.  And now I hear him telling me to go and live my life (as painful as it is without him),  to make it full and meaningful.  I’m not sure how, but I’m slowly learning to hold both joy and grief, and that’s how I go on.  I know what you mean about gaining weight...watching my weight over these last almost-two-years seemed so inconsequential, so meaningless, and I slowly put on 20 pounds.  I’ve begun doing yoga and walking with my dog and husband every morning and have taken off 16 pounds.  It helps to feel like I can act and do something to change things; not to be a perpetual victim.  Reminds me of the Serenity Prayer we’d say in Al-Anon:  God grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.   I can’t change the fact of Eric’s death January 14, 2006, but I can choose  to honor his life and my own by living as mindfully as I can.  Blessed be to everyone, Colleen

[summergirl]

Colleen -  thank you - as hard as it is I do have to "move on" with my life for myself, Jessica, my family and most of all for Tavian. I know that I am not moving away from Jessica but towards her. Jessica would not want me to go on as I have and the time has come to listen to my heart. Tavian told his therapist this week that he doesn't like it when I am sad and cry - all though I try hard to keep it from him he knows. My mom and sister say that every time I send them pictures of us I always look like I am going to cry, always sad - I guess I didn't realize that I look like that all the time and so I understand what Tavian says. I have learned so much from him when I chose to open my eyes - he says mommy lives in his heart and goes everywhere with him. He told me one nite that the stars had fingers and were pointing down at us and I said why and he said all the mommies in Heaven were pointing down to say hello - wow, out of the mouth of babes.

I am so heartbroken for those just beginning this long walk as I know how long it takes to get to the point of "I can do this" - I feel as though I could do more, say more to make it easier but we all walk alone yet together so I just talk from my heart and hope I can help someone. When I first found this site I read for about a month and then I began to post - now I feel a bit lost if I don't come on every night after Tavian is alseep. It keeps me grounded and helps me to grow, it inspires me and saddens me. I am and will be forever thankful for those friends I have met here yet will never see face to face, I have become closer to people here then I am with some of my friends I see all the time.

Prayers and hugs to all - Kathy

[summergirl]

oops - i am trying to get a picture of Tavian on - will try one more time!!

[summergirl]

ok - sorry about that - I will try to fix it and send tomorrow!!

[Artina]

 

Thanks Griffin's mom for the reminder!  Tina

[summergirl]

Thank you for the reminder - I was just looking at that site the other day - first time I knew about it so I am telling all I know.

Very quiet on the site - is it the holidays? My first time sharing the holiday experience here and I hope everyone gets through Christmas and New Years. I pray that all of us can find some peace from the suffering and sorrow that we carry with us with each step we take. I have been trying to do little things with Tavian to keep myself occupied. Tonight he made a stocking to hang - it was so cute watching him sew it, it is a little craft kit I found with a stocking and some picture frames, I thought it would be good for him as he is so excited (and I am brokenhearted). When he finished sewing and pasting we hung it up and then off to bed. Before he fell asleep he said he hoped that everybody gets to do things together like we did. He is my savior, so precious and innocent - I wish everyone had someone like him to help them find the way.

Prayers and Hugs to all - Kathy

[summergirl]

I am going to try to send the picture of Tavian again, see if it works.

It's a little small but it worked.

Bless all.

[loveyoujustin]

Kathy,  Just wanted to say "what a beautiful boy"  You are truly blessed.  I usually post in the "teenager" section, but I read most of the "loss of a child" posts because our children are our children, and our loss is one in the same no matter how old they are.  Peace be with you.   Love,   Trish

[summergirl]

Trish - I am not familiar with you, I am sorry - if you don't mind what is the difference in the teenager and this posting? I am new to this so bare with me.

Thank you, yes he is beautiful and such a blessing to have him with us - it was a long, expensive and heartbreaking custody battle but I would do it all over again and there is no price I wouldn't pay - I already paid enough with the loss of my daughter so what does money mean??

God Bless - Kathy

[mikesmum]

Kathy - Tavian is certainly an outdoor spirit.  The photo is a reflection of his mother through those curls!

I am sorry the path to have him with you was so hard and expensive.  We tried to gain access to Micheals daughter, Harmony 2yrs old.  Her mother applied and received Government funding for her legal battle.  We were advised she could and would take us through the courts until the day we died. 

Even receiving an order to have Harmony with our family for any visit would be ignored and require us to begin proceedings all over again. The premise, deplete us financially and destroy our spirit.

As a family we make memory books for her.  We journal each occassion and enter memories of her dad.  I remember you saying you had a similar project for Tavian about Jess. 

Think of you often -  the postings here are divided into the loss of young child, teenager and adult.  The funny thing is no matter what the age, the journey is no less painful and the postings similar........

 

[loveyoujustin]

HI TRUDI:   NICE TO SEE YOUR COMPASSIONATE WORDS!  YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION!

KATHY;  AS TRUDI EXPLAINED, THERE  ARE DIFFERENT POSTINGS UNDER LOSS OF A CHILD, YOUNG CHILD, TEENAGER, ADULT CHILD.  AS I SAID I USUALLY POST UNDER LOSS OF A TEENAGER, BUT I DO LIKE TO READ ALL OF THE LOSS OF A CHILD POSTS BECAUSE AS WE ALL AGREE, THE PAIN AND HEARTACHE ARE THE SAME, THE JOURNEY IS THE SAME, AND OUR DESPERATE LONGING FOR OUR CHILDREN AND THE KNOWLEDGE TO UNDERSTAND WHY IT WAS US WHO WERE CHOSEN TO TRAVEL THIS PATH, IT'S ALL THE SAME, NO MATTER WHAT AGE OUR BELOVED CHILDREN WERE WHEN THEY WERE STRPPED AWAY FROM US.  YOU CAN GO ON THOSE POSTS AND READ THEM AS WELL.  I GUESS YOU COULD ALSO SEE A BIT ABOUT MY JUSTIN ON HIS SITE THAT HIS SISTER CREATED, WWW.JSWMEMORIALFUND.COM .  IT'S BEAUTIFUL.  (THE VIDEO TAKES 4 MINUTES TO DOWNLOAD, BUT IT'S REALLY NICE.)  I SO DESPERATELY WISH THAT, EVEN THOUGH JUSTIN WAS ONLY 17, THAT I HAD A CHILD OF HIS TO RAISE.  HE WAS QUITE THE "LADIES MAN"  AND VERY POPULAR, AND ONE OF HIS FRIENDS DAD'S SAID TO ME SEVERAL DAYS AFTER HIS FUNERAL, "YOU BETTER HOPE THAT A YOUNG LADY DOESN'T COME KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR WITH A SMALL BUNDLE 9 MONTHS FROM NOW."  MY RESPONSE WAS, "I COULDN'T BE SO LUCKY, HOW I WOULD WISH FOR THAT."

YOUR DAUGHTER, AND YOUR GRANDSON ARE BEAUTIFUL, AND YOU ARE RIGHT, WHAT IS MONEY AND TIME???  EVEN THOUGH I AM STILL IN A STATE OF NUMBNESS, AND ALMOST DISILLUSION SOMETIMES, I HAVE REALLY COME TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IT IMPORTANT.

WE ARE ALL CONNECTED HERE, AND I AM SO THANKFUL I FOUND THIS SITE.  ONLY ALL OF YOU KNOW THIS PAIN.  I'LL KEEP CHECKING ON THESE POSTS AS WELL.  I JUST REALLY FELT THE NEED TO TELL YOU HOW BEAUTIFUL THAT LITTLE BOY IS, AND HOW YOUR DAUGHTER IS SO VERY PROUD AND PEACEFUL THAT YOU ARE HIS GUIDING LIGHT. 

GOOD NIGHT.  PEACE TO ALL.  LOVE, TRISH

[mamabets]

For Trish~ My goodnesss, what a beautiful tribute to your son...

I have "His Journey's Just Begun" framed here... It is beautiful, as too were our boys. All of our angels here are amazing, connecting us all in a magical way. Through all of this agony, we find each other with each lonely step. Friday nights have always been particularly hard since Danny departed...June 15th, 2004, the night of his accident...Friday nights we would get on the phone and just BLAB!!! We would chat throughout the day so many times, but Friday nights were just fun, fun, fun!! Lots of laughs, lots of problem solving and lots of Jackie, his sister saying "My GOD, are you two still on the phone???"

Ah, the sweet memories...It takes time to "feel" again, but one day I did, and I became aware that it was OK...

A work, however, in progress... ALWAYS...

We are all on this journey together, and our dear kids have begun our eternity for us.

In the meantime, there is hope and help among us all~

LOVE,

mamabets

xoxoxo

[mikesmum]

Micheal, I light this candle to signify the passing of your lifes energy 10:20am January 18th 2007.

May it shine wherever you are, may you know you are always in my heart, may one day the light we share as mother and son bring us back home.

My son My son My son.............mum

[summergirl]

Trudi - I have to say you are an amazing woman - you continue to inspire me each time I read your posting - what an amazing mom you must have been and are.

I apologize to all as I should have known there are different sites for different, yet the same, posts.

Thank you - Tavian is just like his mommy and his curls are his trademark - he is so much like her in so many ways that I am amazed at times - my precious grandson.

We are very lucky to have Tavian and I thank God every day for him. Yes it was a long battle and we went to court and had adjounments more than I can say - I have to tell you God works in mysterious ways as we were on the verge of having to do joint custody when the father was arrested for an accident, drugs in the vehicle and assaulting a police officer - once that came out in the paper he knew he was fighting a losing battle, especially since he had only lived with Jessica and Tavian for a period of 2 months - anyway I finally called him and we met and I told him to sign full custody over to us and save himself alot of money and he said ok - the only stipulation was that we continue to let his mother have Tavian every other weekend and exchange holidays but we are ok with that as she loved Jessica and loves Tavian as we do and he loves her - she also has two daugters ages 14 and 17 who love Tavian so it was a good thing. I will never understand a father not wanting to be a father - he hasn't seen Tavian since October when we signed the final papers. Someday Tavian will be able to make up his own mind about his "father". What a loss to have a child and not care to be a part of their life!! What would we give to have our children back in our lives!!! I ask myself every night as I watch Tavian fall asleep holding my hand how his father cannot want to have him - although I am so happy we won custody I still cannot understand.

Yes I keep a memory box for Tavian and I write in my journal about this long travel we began Feb 18, 2006 and I will continue to write so he will know and understand when the time is right. I also have been going through pictures and will begin a memory book for him - so many pictures I have. Last Sunday I found a card that Jessica had wrote to my mom and dad and had never gotten around to sending it to them - oh how I cried - I will send it to them as that is where it belongs although I know it will break their hearts in one way it will be a gift in another way.

We went to the city today - so crowded but what fun Tavian had - he is so tired tonite and wants to do the Christmas tree tomorrow! I am not looking forward to that but we do what we must for his sake.

Trudi I am sorry about Harmony - is the mother a good mother or do you know anything - how sad for you and for her, children should have the love of grandparents if they have them!!

I will post again tomorrow - very tired tonite yet need this site to get me through.

God Bless and love to all - Kathy

[loveyoujustin]

Thank you Mamabets.

Trudi and Kathy:  thinking of you and wishing you peace.

My love to All.  Trish

 

[mikesmum]

Kathy - I am so pleased you had such a time with Tavian.....seeing the world through young eyes again, so exciting.

Harmony lives with her mum in a bungalow behind her parents & grandparents home.  When she was born our contact with her was limited.  With 4  grandkids already it was nothing for us to have a house full over night and school holidays.  With Harmony that was never allowed.  She could visit with her mum and dad but never be left. 

To be able to walk her to the playground with the others in her pram, her parents had to bring her to us, wait for us at our house and take her home after the walk.

I am not the right person to ask about her mothers nuturing/caring capabilities.  Micheal was found by her at 9am, she wasn't sure if he was breathing but she thought he was unconscious. 

Harmony was in her cot beside her dad, his partner had  slept in another room that night.  She took Harmony and went up to her parents home, ate breakfast returning to find Micheal had not moved.  She then went back to her parents to ask them to check him.  Once that was done they went to the main house again to call an ambulance 30mins later. 

The coroner has widened the investigation into Micheals death having noted things such a lapse in time from being found to calling 000. 

We have no contact with the other Grandparents.  In fact they supported their daughter when she sought a retraining order to prevent us from attempting to see Harmony or send gift on special occasions.  Yep you heard right, I am forbidden to come within 200 metres of Harmony's home and to refrain from making contact.  I did get one concession, the judge, thought I should be able to send a card for Christmas, Easter and her Birthday but no contact!!

I wonder if that darling girl will ever have the benefit Tavian has of  a grandmother in her life that keeps the memories of her extended family alive now and in her future.   Will she know the gentleness of her father and be encouraged when she shows traits and signs of her dad.

My only hope for the time being is that my heart holds out while I build the story of Micheal and his family for Harmony to have, when she, as will Tavian, reach that magical age of inquiring  who am I and where do I come from.....

I thank you for your kind words and applaude your stamina to raise the beautiful Tavian, sharing him with his paternal Grandmother (and us here) while your own heart has been broken.  Save the pieces, Tavian will repair it and memories you make will help the healing.....

Blessed be.....

[summergirl]

Trudi - My heart aches for you and for the grandaughter you never get to see. I cannot imagine the pain this has brought upon you yet somehow we manage to find a way to get through the days. I am suprised that a judge would allow such nonsense of you not being able to send gifts or cards or talk on the phone and not letting you be a part of her life is insane. I know the court system quite well now and have several times been asked if I am a lawyer!! I found when it came to Tavian I needed to know everything I could in order to get through the court system and the games they play. I know that the lawyers play each other and there were times when I felt that the our lawyer and his lawyer were just playing a game to see who was going to come out on top - I wonder if they really understand the pain you go through - I believe we had a good lawyer yet I was the one who said I was going to talk to the father and see what could be done and I did it. Our lawyer would talk the talk and say "oh we are going to win, even if I have to finish this probono" and she was so sweet every time we talked and went to court - yet when all was said and done we were just 250.00 an hour to her - we used all of our life savings and still owe her a small amount - thank God we only have a little more to pay. I would have begged, borrowed and stole to have Tavian. I hope someday things will change for you and as you say I hope we are all here to see the little ones grow so we may answer their questions when they need the answers. I hope they keep looking into your sons passing as from what I read there are alot of unanswere questions and it seems to me that maybe the significant other knows more than what is being said. Maybe that is why she keeps the child from you, it is her way of having no contact with you and she can do that by using the child - how very sad. I will say prayers for you that some day you will have an answer to all your questions.

Tavian is where he belongs and I love him so much it is scary - yet there are times when I look at my husband and say we are just in kindergarden - what are we going to do as he gets older and is playing sports and all the things young kids do and then the teenage years and he just looks at me and says no worries, we will find a way. I am very active with him yet there are times when he exhausts me!! He is very good at entertaining himself yet I try to keep him busy with things other than tv or video games. I have found that I have much more patience with him and it doesn't matter anymore if the dishes aren't done or the floors vacuumed - if he wants to play a game or color or whatever than those things will be there tomorrow.

We put our tree up today and Tavian was so excited and actually did the whole thing with me - he kept finding things and would say I remember this mi-mi, my mommy had this at our old house and then we would talk about it - it is the first time in a long time since he has mentioned her and it was so good yet so heartbreaking. It was out tradition that Jessica and Tavian always came over and did the tree with us even though she had her own place and now I have done our second tree trimming without her - Tavian found an angel and said "hey mi-mi - we can put mommy on the tree" - it took everything I had not to break down and cry but I hld strong for him.

Prayers to all and much love flying your way - Kathy