Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmum]

Kathy - I read the posts and again I wonder if I understand them.......Have you lost your brother too?

I can only hope that you are posting to your sister and that the emotions poured out in your last post enable you to hold tight to the memories and love you  have with Jess, Tavian and those who know and love them both...

[summergirl]

Trudi, yes I lost my little brother Billy in February of 2002, from what the doctor said it was a heart attack but his wife would not let them do an autopsy so we are not sure. I was angry for a long time as I often wonder if he had the same thing that my daughter had, although it is rare, it can be passed through generations. I am not good at "doctor" things so I can only believe that it was his time as it was for Jessica and try not to dwell on the "whys" even though I do. My sister was very close to Billy, she misses him so much and I told her about this site and was so glad (hate) to see the posting from her that I cried. I just got off the phone with her and she told me what a wonderful memorial this site is although it is hard for her, I told her it was hard for me too in the beginning but once you write those first few lines it's like coming home. I told her about Virtual Memories also and she created a site for Billy but has not put a picture on yet - I will do that this weekend.

Thank you for believing in me about the "Butterflies" - it is such an amazing thing.

Today was a hard, we bought new livingroom furniture and as I watched the old sofa go I started to cry - I kept seeing all those times I would come down the stairs and there would be Jessica sleeping on the couch because she fell asleep watching a movie or something. I felt like I was taking another piece of her life away!!

Prayers and hugs to all.

[bbarbie55]

I had my dinner last night and I watched my daughter reading the night before christmas to my grandson and started crying thinking his mom should be here to do that. It was not a good day. I bought a new tree and got rid of most of my ornaments so I wouldn't have memories but you know that doesn't work. I have to work today and I'm looking forward to it to take my mind off the day.

Thanks for letting me ramble but its hard right now for me.

Deb

[summergirl]

bbarbie55 - I know how you feel when you look at your daughter with your grandson and think how his mommy should be doing that. I have my grandson Tavian (won full custody October 4) and every time I do something with him I say the same thing - my daughter should be doing this not me. I am supposed to be the grandmother (mi-mi he calls me) and I am supposed to babysit and let him stay up late and eat ice cream at ten at night and do all those "not supposed" to do things before I send him home to mommy. Now I am the mommy/mi-mi and it is so hard sometimes as I now have to set rules and do all the things his mommy did. He is such a blessing and today he told me that he was thankful for mi-mi, pop-pop (my husband), mommy, Kaylie (our black lab) and grandma (his other grandmother), and he gave me a big hug. I cry for so many lost things for him but thank God that he had Jessica for four years, she passed away one week after his 4th birthday. Every time I look at him I see my Jessica and the strength, determination and love that she had is in him - he misses her but only talks about her when he wants to and that is not very often, I was so afraid he was forgetting her but I now know that sometimes he has to forget in order to remember as it is to much for his little mind to comprehend, after all he went to sleep one night with a mommy and woke up in the morning without one. He inspires me so much as he tells me not to be sad that mommy is in Heaven watching us and listening to us. He tells me that he built a house inside his heart and that he lives there with his mommy sometimes!! The words out of his mouth sometimes blows me away.  I know what you mean about working as I work every day from 9 to 4 and it helps me keep my mind off my loss for a little while but it is always in the back of my mind no matter where I am or what I am doing. I pray for you and yours.

If I could have a lifetime wish, and one dream that could come true

We would pray to God with all our hearts just to see and speak with you

A thousand words won't bring you back, We know because we've tried

and neither will a million tears, We know because we've cried

You've left behind our broken hearts and precious memories too

But we've never wanted memories, we only wanted you.

Hugs and Prayers to all, Kathy

 

[Artina]

Hi my dear friends,

 

I am so sorry that it has been well over a year sinice I have posted.  My son, Chris, crossed over on January 4, 2002.  He died instantly from injuries sustained in a snowmobile accident.  I posted daily for about 3 years and then started to post less and less.  I found that I needed some space from so much loss.  I knew when I stopped visiting that there were some wonderful people whom posted and offered support daily to those whom had just lost. 

It has been over 5 years since my son crossed over and I can tell you that time doesn't heal the heart, but it allows us to carry our pain and happiness in the same space.  I have found life to be a wonderful place to spend my time in- and I still look forward to the day that I am with my son again.

There have been a lot of changes to this site- pleasantly and highly needed changes.  I love that we can place pictures!  That is an added plus.

I will try to visit here once a week and I offer my support to those of you whom need a light through the darkness.  For, I too was in the dark... the very, very, very, dark.  It does get better!  It won't ever be perfect, because our children are no longer with us.... yet, it does get better.

 

Tina

 

 

 

 

[shuugar]

It just so happens that I had a chance to speak to an Aunt of my Husbands the other day.    The call happened quite accidentally  (I pushed the wrong button on my cell phone)  I barely know her and she lives in another state,

 I haven't seen them in over 35 years, but she was glad to hear from me and said she thinks of us often since our son died.

 She is one of US, ..her son died 25 years ago.

 After some conversation She went on to tell me something that I really already knew and that is- that even after 25 years the pain is still very intense at times and she feels just like I've said many times "It feels like only yesterday but seems like forever since that horrible day our son died"

It's been just over 1 1/2 years since our James died, but it does not surprise me to know that the pain of missing him will be with us forever.

I can't even conceive of 25 years passing without him here and yet I know thats how it is going to be.

 

[luvumicheal]

hello all....i've been feeling so sad these past few days...the pain dosent seem to be getting any better...I find myself asking god if it's ok for me to take a trip over to him....I need to talk to my daughters father....I need to know that my twin daughters are gonna be ok if anything happens to me....I had so much going for me in my life....but now it seems nothing is worth it.....no one understands......I wanna be with my son.....

[4everjoeysmom]

LuvuMichael, Believe me when I say I know exactly how you feel.  I spent a time secretly wishing so much that I could just end my life here and go to be with Joey.  Joey was my firstborn of two children, and he was so precious to me.  There was something about Joey that from the moment I knew I was pregnant I knew he would be my whole life.  When I lost him 16 months ago my heart and world crumbled.  My life felt over.  I didn't want anything.  The pain was so unbearable, and I just couldn't imagine my life without Joey in it.  I wasn't suppoesed to feel those things because of my faith, but I couldn't help feeling helpless, hopeless, and endlessly dead to myself.

Today, right at this moment, I am sitting in my younger son's living room.  I have been spending time with him through Thanksgiving and will be here until Christmas, after which time I will go back home to South America (far away) and continue my life and work there.  But as I read your post and reflected back to my own condition of heart a year ago, and sitting here looking at my son Patrick and cherishing every moment with him, I know this.  I miss Joey.  My life will never be the same.  My heart will never feel whole, ever again in this life.  BUT...  Had I followed through with my desperation to go and be with Joey I never would have seen Patrick come to own his first home, or see him get married, or experience grandchildren, or watch him grown and become everything I dreamed for him when he was born and as he grew from a child to a man.  I will definitely long for my whole life for Joey and the dreams he had.  I will always long as Patrick grows and experiences things, and I will wish I could have those things with Joey too.  BUT...  I WANT TO experience these things with patrick, even if I can't have them with Joey too.  I know if anything ever happened to me Patrick would survive.  BUT...  I know he would feel a deep pain and sense of longing for the rest of his life every time he experiences a joy in his life, because I would not be here to share it with.  It's bad enough that he doesn;t have his only brother and sibling.  It would be so much worse to not have his mom too, especially if I would be the one to intentionally rob him of his mom in life.

I, myself have said many time to my children when they were hurting, and perhaps you have too, that if I could take away their pain and carry it for them, I would.  Well, if I truly mean that, then it would be hypocritical and wrong for me to inflict this kind of pain on my son for his whole life because I lost a child.  I still have him here, and as much as I will always hurt, I need to honor his life too.  My children have equal value.  they are MY children.

Your children here might be ok, but they would be scarred forever, just like we are.  Would you intentionally want to do that to your children?  Would you hurt them intentionally and sacrifice their happiness and joy in life because of your own pain?  I don't mean to be hard and cold, but we are ALIVE.  Our children here are ALIVE.  And they need us, no matter how disillusioned we are with life.  They are our children too.  We need to live for them even if we don't have the courage or strength to live for ourselves.  And because I love my son so much--both of them--I know Joey would not want me to abandon his littel brother for anything in the world, and expecially not for the sake of him who has gone from this life.  Please consider your children here.  Please weigh your love for them and how much they need you.  You may think not, but you would be wrong to think they would be unblemished and fine.  Please consider speaking to a crisis counselor.  Please consider whatever it takes to put your living children's welfare and need for you above your grief and pain.  I know not what else i could say, except i am praying for you.  HUGS, Claudia

[mikesmum]

Jackie - it is so soon since Micheal left.  The pain and emotions are still so raw.  Each one of us here have been and still are at times, where you find yourself now. 

One thing I noticed over the past 10 months is that each one who posts here is moving through the process of grieving albiet slowly.  I read from those who posted a number of years ago and it is a similar story.  The pain and emotion of the loss is always present, its intensity however lessens.

Your twin daughters need to come to know Micheals mother, and through you they come to know Micheal.  Since some of the intensity of loss has eased for me, I find I am beginning to rejoin my family, slowly.  I listen to the grandbabies questions about Micheal, his music and the guitar that takes pride of place in Granmas 'front room'.  My son and daughter share memories, tell stories of Micheal (the stuff your mum doesn't always get to know!)

You wonder if they will survive if anything happens to you.  The answer is yes.   You and I and all who post 'survived' the loss of our children. But I have to hold onto the hope that knowing the pain Micheals death cause you, you would never want your baby girls to experience the same.

If the pain is unbearable, the thoughts overwhelming, please, please speak to someone who knows you or as Claudia says, speak with a counsellor, someone who specialises in grief/loss.  I never would have come this far in my journey without the support of my psychologist (trauma and grief). 

Jackie, a the very least, come back to the site and check in with us here.  You are never far from my thoughts.

Tina - thank you so much for revisiting.  The ray of light I was looking for, someone who can say it does get better, because they lived it and it has.   Thankyou!

Trudi

[daveydow1]

To All at BI,

   I have not been posting for awhile, but have been reading the posts.

  I am trying to wander my way through this new format, and hope to

 get better at it.  Peace to everyone.

                                         Daveysmom,    Sherry

[Artina]

Daveydow-  All-

You and I go back... and I too am having to figure this site out again.  What have you been up to?  I have thought about all of my friends often since leaving this site.... I just needed to step away from the continous loss...

 

In May of this year, my brother lost his wife (31)... she died in her sleep.  She has two small children.   I felt like I could help them through the process of dealing with the loss of their mother.  They lost a mother; and I am a mother whom lost her son.  Different, but the same. Those poor babies will never be the same and yet they have to navigate this world without the loving hand and knowledge of their mother.  My brother is in the process of adopting them- their living father wanted nothing to do with them. It's so sad!  They are doing okay... I watch over them.

There has been a lot of changes in my life- one being that my living son has just graduated from high school and is now enrolled in junior college.  He lives at home and we totally enjoy him.  He is such an awsome son.  He had to have three knee surgeries over the last two years (football inj) and that was very difficult to go through.  Needless to say that my fears are bigger than most parents (whom have not lost a child).  Anyway, those are the biggest events in the last couple of years. 

Grief really is difficult on the Spirit, mind and body... I can only hope that I will be able to offer support to those of you whom are just starting this walk, or have been on it for a while, and find yourself sitting right in the middle of it.  My belief system is very strong and I know that life does exist after death. I know that I will see my son again some day and I do feel his presence in my life daily.  He works hard for us to know that he is around us.  He really needs us to be here for his brother whom lives in this life without the answers that he now has.  He is my living purpose!

 

Peace, Tina

 

[mamabets]

Hi Artina~ It is so comforting to see you here again...Sweet, sweet Tina...Artina, with all of her hope and wisdom... It has been 3 1/2 years now since Danny departed, and lots has happened  during this time. New life...My Jackie gave birth to Sweet Caroline in March, and Julia is now 8 and thriving.. Missing my Danny never changes..His miracle signs are as strong as ever, and I too, KNOW that I will see him again. He is as alive as he ever was before, just differently, so I now walk his walk and follow his lead. Yes, it can get very complicated, and yes, I can get very frightened, but if I can just be still, his strength once again becomes mine, and then all is well in my world, KNOWING that all is perfect in his... I often say to myself.."Danny didn't die, you did..."

To see tonight that your brother has lost his 31 year old wife..."Seek and you shall find..." Remember dear Linda from here...Her son , Chad, had been in a snowmobile accident, lived for sometime, then passed? Well, she has just lost her 32 year old daughter, Christa. Email me anytime at huntross4@aol.com for the details. While it has been pure and living hell, Linda is "searching."  Christa had to leave behind a little one...2 year old Avery, and a wonderful husband, Dave. MAYBE you can email her at lmj7252@yahoo.com and you can help to guide her some. Christa just passed on November 5th, after a ten month battle with oral cancer...The picture of total health, then WHAM.... She walked this walk so completely perfectly, then got completely SLAMMED....

I beg all of us here to pray for them all and send some sort of hope their way. Linda has reached out and pleaded for this. She needs all the hope that we can find...

LOVE,

mamabets

xoxoxoxo

 

 

[mamabets]

For daveydow1~ Hi Sherr~ Just back from a couple of days with the kids...A blessed, bittersweet holiday... I see Danny in Caroline's eyes...

We must chat..I will help you find your way on this board now, OK?? It really is great, and I will walk you right through it, OK?

Email me and let me know a good time to get you, and with coffee in hand, we will zip right through it, OK??

I LOVE YOU!!

LOVE,

mamabets

xoxoxo  

[luvumicheal]

Hi Claudia,Trudi....Thanx for the support....I dont know I guess sometimes although I try to be strong I amnot.....just the thought of christmas...not seeing him at the job...and all the pictures of his face and laughter that I constantly replay in my head....I wonder over and over again...what was he going through...why did he do this....what was he thinking..was he crying..did he feel he had noone....I was here...I was here....my son committed suicide...he took his life..and now my whole entire life is one big question mark....a never ending absence in myheart...a unbearable pain that no matter how many times I wish it away and console myself.....It's just there.....I am not the same person....its been 3 weeks and yet it feels as if it happended yeterday...I wake up each morning ..and its a entourage of pictures and back flashes...my mornings are the most difficult.....I hear his voice over and over....I see his smile..how he smiled with his eyes.....he had eyelashes like brooms....what happend???? why did god choose to shatter my life..when theres so much abomination i this world.....

[Artina]

Mamabets,

I feel so bad that I haven't posted in so long... however, as we all know... it is so important to do what we need to do to increase the healing.  I feel so much stronger than I did.   

It hurts my heart to imagine that any parent has to deal with the loss of a child- but two- that is just too much for one Spirit to endure.  I send my energy to her in hopes that it will carry her through a very, very, difficult time.  I remember Stu, he too lost two children....   hopefully he will be the light that she sees in the darkness.  

We just remodeled Chris's room this last September.  It took us almost 6 years to do this... and now I am typing from his room.  I love this space.  We totally remodeled his room and we stored all his belongings (that was hard at first).  His room is now a place that we gather in- I LOVE IT!  For so long it was a place to stay away from, but not anymore.  It was so healing to create a space that we can enjoy and call- Chris's room. 

I plan on posting more often.  I know how important it is for those whom are just starting on this journey to see that we have survived.

I want to thank you for sticking through this process.   

Tina

  

 

 

[Artina]

Luvumicheal,

I just want to offer hope to you... right now life is very unfamiliar and you will probably doubt every thing that once seemed so right.  I know the pain is unbearable and you feel like you are on another plain.  Hang on.  Hang on.  We are here to tell you that you will get through this.  For each one of us- the way we grieve will be different.  Make your own rules and don't let anybody tell you what is best for you.  My pain got to where it could no longer hurt worse.... and then the healing started. 

It has been 6 years this January 4.  My son was just 19 and was/is the light of my life.  I have said this before, and will say it again, I hold space in my heart for both grief and joy.  I know that I will see my son again... in fact, I still have a realtionship with him- it's just in a different way. 

Be sure and do all the little things right now- drink water, eat, and take time to go out into the sunshine.  If you are ready, be sure to write.  I wrote letters to my son (journal) telling him what I needed him to know and what I needed to hear.  I communicated to him and allowed him to respond to me through my minds eyes and ears.  It was so theraputic.  These little steps help create healing that you will never understand until you look back upon the years. 

Please know that we are here for you and you are not alone.

 

Tina

 

 

[namarella]

Luvumicheal,

I had many of the same questions you’re asking, the same kinds of pictures and flashbacks in my mind every morning as I awoke.  My son put himself in a risky situation (drug overdose) and paid the highest price.   I often wonder what led him to do something so foolish when he’d made such progress in dealing with his depression, going to college, having friends and finding meaning in his life?  Why would he do something that would put his dad and I in such pain?  And I came to realize that the last thing he would have wanted (had he been thinking clearly!) was for us to live with the loss of him in our lives, he didn’t intend to cause us pain.  I think Tina said it well – that we somehow learn to live with both pain and joy at the same time, I don’t know how, but I’m seeing that in my own life.  The pain is always there - it hit me like a blow to the stomach this past weekend as families were gathering to give thanks (and I wondered what do I have to be thankful for?).  But, as Mamabets points out, I also have an ongoing, real relationship with my son, he’s a huge part of my life and that’s a great joy to me.  What I do is try and find one thing every day to live for...this person’s smile, that red-hued tree, this flower, the voice of my grandson learning to say “grandpa and grandma.”  And my son...I live because I know he’d want me to live my life as fully as possible - he’d be so ticked off if I did otherwise.

Thanks so much to those who have gone before me along this journey, to give hope that I can continue along the way and find some peace, compassion and even joy along the way.  Some of the best people I’ve never “met” are on this site...many thanks to all.  Colleen, Eric’s mom

[summergirl]

luvumichael, I am so sorry for what you are going through. It will be 2 years for me in February since I lost my Jessica and as I read your words I flashed back to those first few weeks after and I cannot believe I am still here, functioning, breathing and even smiling. It is the worst thing you will ever experience but it does get better, I know, I hate that word "better" as much as every one else but it is true. We never stop hurting, crying, but we do heal, each in our own way. When Jessica died I thought I died too and a big part of me did die with her -  there was "life with Jessica" and now I have "life after Jessica" and with time your mind and heart begin to heal with God's help and with everyone on BI. Someone told me not too long ago that I had 2 choices, I could go on with my life or I could stop living - I thought about that and I know that I need to keep living, Jessica was so full of life so I need to live for her and our grandson Tavian. I know right now that you are thinking how crazy I am, that you are never going to feel any different than you do right now and no matter what anyone tells you, you are going to feel the way you do. All I can say is please don't give up on yourself, your family and your friends (those of us you have not met) because a day will come when you will think of your son and you will actually smile instead crying.   Everyone grieves differently yet the same so don't feel alone as we are all here at BI and always will be and we have all asked ourselves questions so please hold on. In my Prayers and hugs to you. Kathy, Jessica's mom  

[mikesmum]

Jackie - something that came to me over the last months that allowed me to find a way to endure the pain of losing Micheal.   Micheal is the sum of all the years he lived, not the day or the way he died. 

Thinking of you - Trudi

[donosmom]

I posted this already but it didn't go where I thought it would so I copied it over here.  Learning the new way around but I think I like it better.

I just wanted to pop in and say hello.  I am unable to post from work and my evenings are filled with mentoring others and my new grandbabies.  I do read every day and my heart aches for all the new members.  My Matthew died July 13, 2003 from a brain aneurysm.  I can remember when I first found BI and how much support and comfort I received.  Artina you were and still are one of the individuals that made such a positive difference in my life and this journey, I remember you gave me very specific advice one time, “Stay in the moment, whatever the moment is” “if I was feeling joy stay in that moment and if I was having a Matt moment stay in that moment”  I don’t know that it was those exact words, but in general that is what you told me, and I took that to heart and worked very hard to stay in the moment.  It helped me to survive my living son’s wedding, the birth of grandbabies, holidays, and the blind side moments.  I am so glad to have the opportunity to say thank you.

 

Mamabets and Daveydow you too have been such support for which I am so very grateful

 

Matthew’s Mama Mary

11/3/79 – 7/13/2003

 

[summergirl]

Hello all, it seems as though each time I come to this site there are more people who have just joined or have joined before and come back. I must say that this site has been such a blessing to me in so many ways - losing a child and feeling as though no one in the world could possible understand how you feel - and then you find this site and you are so sad yet so blessed to know that you are not alone and you can find friends, true friends, that let you say and feel however you want to. I sometimes ramble on when I write as there is so much in my head and yet I believe it is okay as that is what this site is about - helping each other, feeling the pain, giving advice and supporting no matter what. I have been feeling as though I have come to a cross road and I am healing in ways that I never thought I would, I smile more and try to live my life the way Jessica would want me to, for her, for myself and for Tavian her son. I have days where I can smile when I think of Jessica and yet there are still, and always will be, days when I cry as though I will never stop. Nothing can bring our children back and the pain and sorrow will follow us forever but I take comfort from the words of all of you who have walked this road longer than I that the pain does ease as time goes by. I also write a journal for myself as well as for Tavian, I talk to Jessica through my pen and hope someday it will help Tavian.  Jessica surrounds me with her love and I feel her spirit shinning through, floating like a butterfly, I know she is here and I pray for strength to keep moving forward.

Trudi, I love how you said that Michael is the sum of all the years he lived, not the day or way he died - I sat and thought about that as I cried, the words are so true and I just wanted to say thank you.

God bless all and Prayers for all - Kathy

[Mazey2]

I just had a post and lost it.....I'll be back.

I can not believe I am here again, now with the loss of my daughter!  I'll try my post again tomorrow.

It's mazey, Linda, Chad's Mom.   Now, I have lost my only living child, Christa.

[mikesmum]

Kathy - Yesterday was one of my worst.  It began simply enough, walking the dog.  Exercise and fresh air.  Lost my footing and face planted the footpath.  Lovely shades of purple now grace my cheekbone and chin.  The grazed knees are a good look!   In the ambulance service when someone approx my age or older hits the ground the saying is 'nanna down' and once my head and body came to a stop Ibut I swear Micheal was laughing saying 'oh no Nanna way down!'. 

I had to attend a court appointed Psychiatrist to assess whether or not my being the dispatcher that sent the ambulance to Micheal,  assisting  the operator trying to give CPR instructions and watching on the computer screen as Micheals life left us, might have impacted on my ability to work as an Emergency Medical Dispatcher. (I haven't gone back yet).

I sat there yesterday, face aching, head spinning being taken as far back as my childhood.  We went through Micheals life from day one to the last day.  It was like I was being sent back in time to relieve the raw emotions of January but also to reinforce memories that I had forgotten. QUESTIONS QUESTIONS that in hindsight were so easy to answer, but absolutely of no value in changing the course of history.

The beauty of this site and those who post GET IT instantly.  No questions like 'how did that make you feel', did you get upset when you saw it was your son in cardiac arrest, how do you feel with your husband still working as an ambo, do you think of suicide and if you do how often.   There were certain question relating to my self esteem, self worth, confidence and general health.  The last being the most offensive, HAVE YOU GAINED WEIGHT SINCE YOUR SON DIED??  A polite yes was not enough, I was weighed! 

A staple diet of Chocolate and Diet Coke has obviously not been the best! 

Thank you all for being here, for unconditionally understanding and affording me the freedom to ramble, rattle and just be........

[Artina]

Mazey2,

 

I have no words... (HUG).... my heart just poors out for you.  (HUG).  Hang on sweetheart.  We will try to support you in anyway that we can.

 

Love and hugs- Tina

[Artina]

Mikesmum,

I was, and still am, so taken back by people whom just don't get loss... they are a group of their own.  Just remember, that we are standing with you.... everytime you feel so misunderstood, confused, lost, blank, angry, or like you are going to burst into tears- we are standing there with you.  We have been through it and we support your reaction and your boundaries.  There is no shame in how you handle your grief- only survival.  People whom have not lost a child could never understand that.  So.... chocolate and pop... hey.... if that gets your feet on the floor everymorning- than I say bon appetite.  There will come a day, when you are ready, that you won't need those two kickers to get you going.

I gained about 100 pounds in five years- after the loss of my son.  I joined Sparkpeople last year- in January (the month my son crossed 5 years earlier).  I have since lost 54 pounds.  I feel great.  I am doing really good emotionally and physically.  It took time for me to get to that place though.  So, I understand.  Don't take on more than you can handle right now- everything has it's place in time.  No shame!  Your doing it right.

((HUG)))

 

Tina

 

[Artina]

Donosmom,

 

It's so nice to hear from you.  It's nice to see a picture of your Matthew- he is very handsome.  I remember you very well.  I too have found this site to be so amazing- as you have pointed out.  We are all of great importance to each other... in ways that none of us could ever know.   Thank you- to you too!

 

Tina

[Artina]

Kathy,

 

A journal was a must for me in the first three years.  I took the time to log so many emotions, thoughts, and memories so that I wouldn't forget them.  I wanted to remember all of Chris's favorites.  With you having Tavian- your journal will serve many purposes and it will be so valuable to her son.

 

Tina

[veronicasmom]

 

I have recently joined because I think this is where I want to be--among mothers who share my pain. 

My beautifuly 29 year old daughter Veronica passed away on October 17, 2007 of a brain aneurism.  Suddenly, without any warning, she collapsed and two 1/2 days later she was gone.  On a sunny Sunday morning, after a short telephone conversation our last words to each other were "I love you" and "I love you too, Mom".  We were so close, we were buddies, we were so silly together.  And we laughed so much.... I hurt deeply.  How can I go on living the rest of my life?   I find it all so hopeless.  I try to be strong for my two boys, but both my husband and I are so devasted.  The holidays mean nothing but pain.  Will I ever smile again?

[judy20]

I have been in the grief business for  almost a year. Dec. 9th ,2006,my son and only child died suddenly,of heart disease. He had no wife or children. He was my life,yet I,m still here. I can,t say it is much easier today. The one blessing you have is your sons,who, after awhile will give you a reason and desire to go on. I pray for you at this horrible time in your life.There are many of us here to help you along. God Bless.

[ericasmom]

Hello To All,

I have spent many months away from the site though recommend it to others in need as this place helped me more than anything else after Erica Died. Erica was 19 when her car was hit by an Amtrak at a broken light in Kalamzoo Michigan. She died 6 days later, giving time to all of her friends from Chicagoland area and aunts and uncles to travel to her bedside. There she lay in the trauma hospital, never awake again, hands curled into the position that is the worst sign of brain injury, posturing they called it. Her brainstem was shattered, and then our hearts were shattered. She died one day after Matthew whose photo is on this page, she died on July 14th, 2003. I tell youall these details because many of you are new and I am so sorry that you are here in your pain, and I am so glad you found this place because of the path you are now on. I tell you my details to let you know that as you move forward in your first and second years of grief, you may be afraid to give up some of the daily reliving of those awful moments that surround your child's leaving. I was afraid that if I let a day go by without reliving all the moments of that phone call and what came after it in chronological order, that I would lose my memories of Erica. I found however, that letting go of some of the horror allowed room for more of ERica, more of her life and as you can see, 4.5 years later, I have easily tapped into that day, never will I forget that day that took the life I had and delivered me something new. I didn't want the new life...I know you did not want this outcome, but here we are, mourning some of the world's greatest young people, and we always will. And even in our darkest moments, we are so very happy to have known these children in the first place, to be the parents. I hope that all of you new to this pain understand that you will smile and even laugh out loud again, and that in order to honor your child you will take good care of yourselves and live your best life for them as well as for you and all the people that love you. I know that there are many times that you wonder why you are still here, and what does it all mean anyway, what is it worth now? Your life is worth plenty, unspeakable, uncountable amounts, just as your child's life is. Hang tight in those darkest times, come here and write and read and know that healing is a long process, tha tthe only way through grief is to go ahead and let yourself grieve, let yourself feel the pain and then one day you may notice you feel a bit more energy, you may feel like doing something you used to do in your old life before you were changed by this hurt. Understand that it will not be the same but it may be important to do it anyway. For instance, ERica and I loved to shop together, and one day I drove to her favorite store and went to the junior department and looked around. While it was sad to see all the things that I thought she would love to wear, it was also good to be in this place thatwe shared so many laughs and good times. I bought clothes for teenagers in need that day, in Eri's name and memory.

Life is so different now, but it is ours to work with, to make as good as we can.

Peace and healing,

Dee

[ericasmom]

Hello To All,

I have spent many months away from the site though recommend it to others in need as this place helped me more than anything else after Erica Died. Erica was 19 when her car was hit by an Amtrak at a broken light in Kalamzoo Michigan. She died 6 days later, giving time to all of her friends from Chicagoland area and aunts and uncles to travel to her bedside. There she lay in the trauma hospital, never awake again, hands curled into the position that is the worst sign of brain injury, posturing they called it. Her brainstem was shattered, and then our hearts were shattered. She died one day after Matthew whose photo is on this page, she died on July 14th, 2003. I tell youall these details because many of you are new and I am so sorry that you are here in your pain, and I am so glad you found this place because of the path you are now on. I tell you my details to let you know that as you move forward in your first and second years of grief, you may be afraid to give up some of the daily reliving of those awful moments that surround your child's leaving. I was afraid that if I let a day go by without reliving all the moments of that phone call and what came after it in chronological order, that I would lose my memories of Erica. I found however, that letting go of some of the horror allowed room for more of ERica, more of her life and as you can see, 4.5 years later, I have easily tapped into that day, never will I forget that day that took the life I had and delivered me something new. I didn't want the new life...I know you did not want this outcome, but here we are, mourning some of the world's greatest young people, and we always will. And even in our darkest moments, we are so very happy to have known these children in the first place, to be the parents. I hope that all of you new to this pain understand that you will smile and even laugh out loud again, and that in order to honor your child you will take good care of yourselves and live your best life for them as well as for you and all the people that love you. I know that there are many times that you wonder why you are still here, and what does it all mean anyway, what is it worth now? Your life is worth plenty, unspeakable, uncountable amounts, just as your child's life is. Hang tight in those darkest times, come here and write and read and know that healing is a long process, tha tthe only way through grief is to go ahead and let yourself grieve, let yourself feel the pain and then one day you may notice you feel a bit more energy, you may feel like doing something you used to do in your old life before you were changed by this hurt. Understand that it will not be the same but it may be important to do it anyway. For instance, ERica and I loved to shop together, and one day I drove to her favorite store and went to the junior department and looked around. While it was sad to see all the things that I thought she would love to wear, it was also good to be in this place thatwe shared so many laughs and good times. I bought clothes for teenagers in need that day, in Eri's name and memory.

Life is so different now, but it is ours to work with, to make as good as we can.

Peace and healing,

Dee

[4everjoeysmom]

I CANNOT believe that I just wrote an indepth very beautiful memory experience, only to have it wipe out during spell check, before I had a chance to copy it as I ALWAYS do before posting.  I am devastated!!  Oh well, I guess it's a memory meant to be mine only and not to share.  Don't you just hate when  technical faux pas kills the moment and adds to the grief??!!

[mikesmum]

Tina - Power to you!  I thank you and those who post here for the unseen yet extremely positive support I feel when the walls of ignorance close in.

The past 10 months have been a constant revisit to Micheals death through Coroners, WorkPlace compensation and issues with Micheals partner.  On each occassion I am required to recount and in effect relive the day he died over and over again.  Not just memories, but factual accounts for the courts.  It really suxs.

Luckily, the ongoing healing continues if not slowly.  I have a come to believe the account of January 18 is but one day of my wonderful sons life.  There were 11515 days (approx) in Micheals life that seemed to have been overlooked. 

He was a chef.  Through debiliation and degeneration of his spine and knees he changed to caring for kids in foster care. These were kids who had social psychological and behavioural problems. Their parents no longer able to care for them they are placed in foster care.  Micheal and his then partner took on twin boys (10yrs) with multiple problems.  My favourite photo is of Micheal sitting with the twins teaching them guitar. 

Again, thankyou all for being my silent strength in times of darkness.  One of the many who have lost yet strive to survive in honour of our beloved children.  Thank you

Trudi

[4everjoeysmom]

I remember how I felt almost immediately after Joey died; how desperate I was to remember everything, to not forget a single thing about Joey.  Grieving the first year has been different for me—so different, perhaps even out of the ordinary.  I’ve heard from time to time grieving parents say after losing a child that they are packing up and moving, leaving the painful memories behind.  In a sense, I guess that’s what I did.  Even though my desperation to hold onto and never forget memories was overwhelming, I picked up and left it all behind, returning to my work in another country.  In this I was able to escape the many painful “firsts” that painfully take one’s breath away, as if the mere fact that losing my child isn’t sufficient pain in itself.  It’s inevitable in a familiar place to have memories of time and events shared, like shopping, a favorite restaurant or movie, or a person, place or thing slap you in the face with such a forceful blow that cannot be avoided.  But in a strange and new place everything is different.  Certainly there will be reminders, but they are distant reminders that bring sadness in a way that is less sharp from the blunt stabs that feel like they could surely kill.  It is in the distance where I spent my first year recovering and healing.  It has been 16 months now since Joey has been gone.  Currently I am with my family, “home for the holidays”, so to speak.  Though this is the second holiday season without Joey, in so many ways it feels like the first as I face the many events and familiarities shared over 23 years, now, without him here.  It has become my season of many firsts.

 

Today, as I accompanied my step-mom to the hospital for a surgical procedure, I experienced a tremendous first.  A young couple also waited with their two very small boys.  There must have been no more than a year’s difference in age between the two—just like my Joey and Patrick.  They reminded me so much of my children at that age.  Soon it was time for the little ones to be ushered into pre-op for their scheduled procedures.  And as the nurse came in to escort them into the small ambulatory care room, the older of the two boys broke into a crying sob that immediately carried me into a time long ago when Joey was about that age.  Joey had a lot of problems with his ears when he was little, and twice had tubes surgically placed into his eardrums.  As that little boy wailed, I was swept away, into the past, in such a vivid, virtual-reality way that it felt as if time had been rewound.  There I was with my little boy, sobbing and wailing uncontrollably because he was terrified of everything that moved in his unfamiliar surroundings.  I held him tightly, and kissed him, and worked my hardest to comfort and console him as I wrapped his blanket around him and snuggled his bear (Friend) closer to him.  I could taste the salt of his tears and smell the sticky sweat of his neck.  My heart felt like it would burst.  I found myself longing to stay in that moment, to have time rewind permanently to 20-some years ago and leave me there…  and then as quickly as the moment came there I stood, grasping for the moment, but it would not return.  It had gone.

 

Life is funny in a peculiar kind of way.  As my heart leaped into a self-protective state over the past year, in its unfamiliar territory, the memories became cloudy.  I feared they would not return, but at the same time I was not ready for them to return.  The physical and emotional distance had become a blessing in disguise.  I had some trouble adapting and integrating deeper into my new home and language, but I had peaceful healing in the midst as well.  Then today arrived, a new day in a familiar place.  And the memories flooded in so strong that the event which took place 20+ years ago seemed so much fresher and more real today than it had been on the day it happened so long ago.  It was a memory so lost in time, it hadn’t been thought of for many, many years, even while Joey was here.  Imagine that!  My fear of losing memories I need no longer carry, because memories I didn’t even know had been stored in my soul came to visit me today.  It’s as if Joey continues to give of himself to me, through my heart and through my mind…  alas through my memories.

 

I learned today that through the years we had together, every single moment has created a memory to discover in depth, to relive through rewind, and to relish in, cherishing those moments more than I ever did in the time of the original memory-making moment itself.  Thank you, Joey!  I miss you!!!  Always, Mommy

[Artina]

4everJoeysmom,

 

I agree with you.  Reading your post made me feel like I was standing right there with you... watching a memory unfold.  I too have had an experience like that.  Isn't it amazing that our Spirit holds memories that we can't even pull up if we sat and tried to recall "all" our memories?  Thank you for that reminder! 

 

 I agree, Joey is communicating right through you.

 

Peace to you,

 

Tina

[Artina]

Mikesmum,

 

Your son sounds like he was an Angel on Earth.  What a kind gentle heart he had for watching over some of the most precious Souls on earth- children.  What a sweet heart.

It just doesn't seem fair- does it!

 

Tina

[Artina]

Ericasmom,

 

I just wanted to say Hi to you... we were part of a group of parents that found ourselves in the same space in time- yet we have made it through- sort of speak.  It's nice to hear from you.  I just started posting again... I took a break from all the loss and just dealt with me for a while.  I am ready to reach out and give hope, where hope seems loss. 

Peace- Tina

 

[momgran]

I lost my 29 year old daughter, Pippa and her 4 ½ year old son, Kieran in a tragic car accident, Oct 22, 2006.  I lost my second son, Andrew, SIDS, at seven weeks old on Oct 28, 1975.  I have shared on B.I. for many days, and many hours over the past year.  The parents who’ve shared my journey know who I am.   I have not posted in quite a long while and I have wondered  why.I have found it very difficult to open my heart at this stage of my journey.

 

I am thinking, I am a coward.  I used to read daily, I only read once a week these days.  My heart aches so for every post I read …the new ‘members’…a new child who has left this world far too soon.  A new family suffering the most  horrific of tortures…the loss of your CHILD.

 

Claudia:  How I wish I had your abilty to put into words the feelings I’ve experienced this past year. I am stronger now. The people in my life think I am so much stronger, and I am.  But the pain is worse than ever. I was determined to face my grief, my pain, and I did.  But as you say, the memories never fade…what fools we are to think that there is any possibility they will ever fade.  I, like you, was terrified that I would lose my memories in the beginning.  That’s why I taught myself webdesign…HTML..code and created my memorial website:  www.pippaandkieran.com.

 

I also created a page for our B.I. children. If you wish to have your name added, please email me at dfbarton@sympatico.ca.  Our little page is at

http:katzndogz.powweb.com/BI.html.

 

To all of you who are new to this site, who’ve lost your precious children…I know only too well how we have our moments when we wonder why we weren’t chosen to go before our children. But we weren’t.  We are alive…in the beginning we cannot comprehend why this can be so…but we are alive…and we have a responsibility to llive.  Not only to live…but to live our BEST lives.  And it is truly possible.  The pain will never leave us…the loss is forever..but life has many mysteries and surprises…open your heart to that. PLEASE.

 

And the pain does lessen…the moments of torture will return..occassionally..but you have to ‘lean in’ to the pain…live in the moment…the pain is your friend..it allows you to ‘cleanse’ yourself.  Make pain your friend…but not for too long.

 

Love Peace and Patience to you All

Debbie

[momgran]

Sorry.  The page for my B.I friensd is:

http://katzndogz.powweb.com/BI.html

[mikesmomrs]

To all:  I too have not been posting, just reading, staying in the background, as my world has been so chaotic over these last weeks...getting ready to retire, entering yet another phase of our lives, preparing to sell our home and move into a new, smaller house that we will have to work at making our home...in the process, being assailed by so many, many memories…some comforting, some ripping into our hearts, wracking us with the pain of knowing that no more shall be created with our son, and we too, speak of fearing forgetting, yet, like all of you, we find there is no forgetting.  As we have torn through so many parts of the house, preparing to downsize and take less with us, we are reminded of so much of our son…he was SUCH a packrat…and now, thankfully so, sometimes.  And sometimes, we think…”no, I cannot stand it, not another thing!”  Each time we open a drawer, a closet, something will pop up…a ruler, with his name engraved in the unmistakable scrawl of a child claiming something for his own, years in the past, now coming back to grab at our heart, to say “Hey!  I am still here, I have always been, will always be.”   In the closet, his letter jacket from high school hanging there, just as he left it, still filled with the spirit and determination that allowed it to become his, another reminder ---how proud he was to get that letter…he ran all the way across the parking lot (at the award ceremony, they had not brought his with them and he had to go back to the athletic director’s office to get it after the ceremony), arriving at the car where his father and I waited, breathless with excitement, waving it in the air…”I got it, I got it…holding it against his chest, imagining it on his jacket, “isn’t it beautiful?!”  And he had indeed, “gotten it,” oh, he had.  All those days, crawling out of bed at 4:30 am, in the darkness of early winter mornings, scraping ice off the car to drive to the swimming pool for practice, then coming out, tiny icicles forming in his wet hair as he got back into the car to return home through the early rays of dawn, to get ready for school…his determination never fading…running through the woods for track practice every day after school, the heat of the late spring days forcing the sweat of his efforts to stream off his forehead into the sweatband wrapped about his head, as if to emphasize that same determination again…the precious feeling of accomplishment as they would put that “pin” in his hand at the end of the season…the shoe with the wing giving it flight,  the swimmer, mid-stroke, with his head turned over his shoulder to catch air, both forever frozen in bronze…one for each year, all of them still sitting on that letter, attached to his jacket, not silent, (“Mom, you’ve got to sew my letter on…I’ve had it for two days now…please?”) but sending out memories and thoughts, sweet times, sweet joy; still.   His smell still there, reminding us, warming us, swirling in our minds…sweet smiles, wracking tears, all mixed together as we move further through this journey.  

  Like CLAUDIA’s experience at the hospital, the memories can sometimes take over, enveloping you, running through your heart and your mind, and instantly you are  “swept away, into the past, in such a vivid, virtual-reality way that it [feels] as if time had been rewound.”  

 So much change over the last year or so, and more coming.  We will likely be moving in January…one last Christmas in this house, one last Christmas with the echoes still ringing--the flickering of candles sparking memories of Christmases past.  Our children and grandchildren, coming together once again, sharing in this final Christmas in this house that has become so much a part of us...all of us mindful of the one no longer here, but reminding each other that he is everywhere.  

After this, we will have to have all our memories in our heads and hearts; they will no longer be in the wood, the walls, the rooms we walk through, live in.  I sometimes think this will help to make it easier, and then my heart leaps and I know that will not be so…it will never be “easier.”  Softer, maybe, less stinging, maybe, but never, like all those who blessedly do not know this pain seem to believe, “easier.”   I agree, DEBBIE, the pain is your friend, and you must, as you said, “lean into it,” and let it take you.  Denying it only makes it more determined, more painful.  Going with it, living it, makes it more a “part” of you, and less a threat.   And then you are able to move ahead, just a little more, just a little at a time.  

For those of you who are new, and I welcome you all with my heart and envelope you with prayer---yet am so sorry that you all had to find your way here---we lost our son, Mike, last year, Oct 14th, to brain cancer, after he so bravely fought the beast for 17 months, leaving us all with a tremendous legacy of courage and faith.  He left behind his wife Sarah, their young 2 yo son, and Mike’s two older boys, and the rest of us who loved him so much.  And yet, he is still with us; we know this, he reminds us of this constantly, and for this we are so very grateful.  Yet, I (foolishly?) fear that our move to a new place, will somehow leave him behind, here, where so many memories were created...so much time was spent here (we've lived here for 16 years...our longest ever, anywhere, as my husband was Air Force for 27 years).   Mike lived here, and he died here, leaving here briefly just after his diagnosis, to begin his life with his new wife and baby, then returning here in his last days, and in this, allowing us all to care for him and love him (thank you, Sarah, so much, for needing/allowing this…), and accompany him as he traveled those last days to his eternal life.   Time early on was cruel, relentlessly pain-filled, but since has been sometimes kinder, letting us live days now and then with some laughter, some joy, some new life---sharing, creating new memories with all our loved ones we are so blessed to be with.   And again, as Debbie said, though the pain is always there, we must live on; we are alive.  We will not know in this life the “why,” but we do have that responsibility to live, to have joy, to meet those mysteries and surprises that go with living that Debbie spoke of, and this is how we will honor our beloved children who have gone ahead of us.  This is how, when we see them again, we will say “I did my best to not ‘waste it,’ but to live it,” and we will give them that gift of our having lived our life well.  With all they left us, how could we do otherwise?

 

Peaceful moments to all,

Carol  MIKESMOMRS. 

 ]

[4everjoeysmom]

Debbie,  you are certainly NOT a coward.  Silence, keeping to ourselves, reflecting, rewinding, experiencing firsts, and seconds, giving loving compassion, and retreating for a time---all of this and more is just part of the journey.  You have nothing to feel guilty or abnormal about.  Grieving is what it is, and you, as well as we are learning along the way that there are no pre-fab molds and no rules to grieving.  ((((DEBBIE))) Sending big hugs your way.

Carol, VERY WELL SAID!  Love and Hugs, Claudia

[momgran]

Oh Carol, I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for you to unearth all those treasures that represent Mike’s life.  I went through all of Pippa and Kieran’s things when I went to South Africa last year because I had no choice but to do it then and there as I had to return home to Canada and I wasn’t going to leave anything behind that represented something significant in their lives.  I have found over the last year that I have many treasures tucked away here as well, things I’ve collected over the years, things they left behind from when the three of us lived together,  treasures stored up over time and I come across these little ‘surprises’ now and then that send me reeling!

 

I’ve been ‘anticipating’ the feelings that I will have when I open my box of Christmas decorations on Saturday, but a couple of days ago I pulled out a box of old cook books, looking for a recipe my late Mom gave me years ago.  I took all of the books out and in the bottom of the box there was a flat object wrapped in newspaper.  As I picked it up I could hear a little bell tinkling..which aroused my curiosity!  I opened it to find a flat, gold tree ornament, with a reindeer, baby bottle and bell and the words ‘Baby’s First Christmas’ and Kieran’s name engraved on it!  I had given this to him for his first Christmas.  I looked at the date on the newspaper, it was June 2003.  This was a year before they moved to South Africa so somehow, this ornament found its way into this box, probably when we moved house and never made it to South Africa.  My heart soared when I saw it, and as you say, Carol, the memories of his first Christmas came flooding in.  I will be putting this ornament on our tree on Saturday and will treasure it forever as I almost feel he was trying to make Grandma feel better by leading me (Mom probably had a hand in it as well J) to this precious ornament.

 

Thank you, Claudia, for your compassionate words.  We can be hard on ourselves at times, can’t we.  I think we expect to be ‘superwomen’, able to handle just about anything that life throws at us and in our weakest moments feel like failures.  I know when I listen to the words of all the brokenhearted Moms and Dads on here, that this just isn’t so!!  How very courageous everyone is to soldier on through down this long, dark road.  But I am learning that there is light at the end, better days, the ability to look forward again and look backwards without the crushing heartache.  I hope this provides some comfort to those of you have lost your dear children quite recently.  Far too many of you to my liking!  But thank God for B.I., what would we do without our wonderful friends who share so generously!

 

I hope, Carol, that you and your family manage to have a peaceful last Christmas in your home and that life in your new home will provide you with renewed hope and good memories to carry with you along the way.  Change is inevitable in this life and we are challenged to ‘adapt’, which I’m finding is the basis of our mourning, learning to adapt to life without our precious babes.  They live forever in our hearts and minds and I’m hoping in time the memories will become ever sweeter for us all.

 

Love Peace and Patience

Debbie

[veronicasmom]

Thank you for the comforting words.  We all share the same pain.  But I never knew such intense pain existed.  When my father passed away, I found myself sad and grieving, missing him and yet thankful for all he had given me.  The loss of my daughter is so utterly raw.  Sometimes I just want to scream.  Sometimes I think I'm losing my mind.  Why?  Why?

We are not putting a Chrstimas tree up this year, just because we can't emotionally.  Too many memories would come out of those boxes.  I have to take it slowly.  My family is OK with it.  Just a small family dinner is all we can manage.  We will have presents for our boys.  I'm putting off having to go to her house and taking care of her belongings.  I know it has to be done, but for now I can't.  I read somewhere to just live for the moment and in your comfort zone.  So for now it has to wait.  Perhaps I am a coward.

Tonight we have our first Compassionate Friends meeting.  Not sure what to expect.  Mostly I want to be with other parents who know what we are going through.  I hope this will lift me a bit.    D.

 

 

 

 

 

[sooooo]

To all of you beautiful parents both new to this experience and you seasoned ones who offer so much hope.....................THANK YOU!  How wonderful that I do not have to be alone.  I wonder at night when the tears that fall when I close my day each night will stop falling.  The tears are cleansing but I am still surprised each and every night when they fall.  It was eight weeks ago and I realized that I have to feeling of failure at not being strong when I still fall apart.  Thanksgiving I took my David's sons to the movies and that was very very nice but I was still unrealistically waiting for him to call me and wish me a happy holiday.  Of course he didn't and then I realize that I am still in the denial stage.  How can the mind grasp that he has passed on to the other side but the hope still run away from that reality?  Then every evening, when he is still no where around, I cry once again.  I have realized that I am not weak and that I tend to think I have to be strong to get God's comfort when really the opposite is true, when I am weak and don't fight that, then I feel His arms around me, often just by coming here and reading ALL of your words of wisdom, pain, hope and experience.  I do know in my heart of hearts that like many of you, I will learn to live with the emptiness and pain instead of feeling like I AM emptiness and pain. 

I have five other living cheldren, all grown and they mean so much to me.  They worry much about me when they see or hear me cry and I don't want to worry them so much.  BUT, your ongoing words and encouragement help me to trust your experience and move forward and embrace the pain.  How beautiful that I am not shut down and numb anymore, inprisoned in my refusal to accept that this is just going to hurt. 

You talk of memories and I get so pulled between not wanting to change anything for fear of loosing him even more (he has slept in my bed with his wife shortly before he died and I did not want to wash the sheets............silly, eh?_ and then experiencing his prescense and memories out of the blue, evidence that as a part of my soul, he will always be inprinted in my spirit. 

I read this many times a day, but in writing, it becomes more real.  I am now ready to let this reality be so I can embrace all the blessings I have.  Fourteen grandchildren fill my heart and time but I also allow myself the right to not have to be the perfect "grandma" right now.  I love them but sometimes I cannot tolerate the immense beauty of thier innocence and that of my son's as a small beautiful, inquisitive child.  So I will discontinue this babble.  Thank you for listening and for making me more "real" in my world of sorrow, pain, and faith and hope.  Hugs to all of you from old-timers to newbies...................if I have to be in this club, I am blessed to be accompanied by people who care enough to share and thus give me courage to do the same.

I love you each in a special way that makes us all kindred spirits.  Love to you!  Sherri

[lorismom]

Hello Everyone ~ Last night I found this poem that I had made a copy of and kept with Lori's journal. I thought I would share it here as it helped me in the beginning when I had just lost my daughter. I hope it will bring some comfort to the new moms and dads now traveling this journey with us.............

JUST FOR TODAY

Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours and not expect to get over my child's death, but instead, learn to live with it one day at a time.

Just for today I will remember my child's life, not his/her death, and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days and moments shared.

Just for today I will forgive all those who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to. They truly did not know how.

Just for today I will smile, no matter how much I hurt on the inside, for maybe if I smile a little, my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.

Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child, for they are hurting too, and perhaps we can comfort each other.

Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt for deep in my heart, I know if there was anything in the world I could have done, to save my child from death, I would have done it.

Just for today I will offer my hand in friendship to another bereaved parent for I do know how they feel.

Just for today, when my heart feels like breaking, I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving, and the only reason I hurt is because I had the privilege of loving so much.

Just for today I will not compare myself to others. I am fortunate to be who I am and to have had my child for as long as I did.

Just for today I will allow myself to be happy, for I know that I am not deserting my child by living on.

Just for today I will accept that I did not die when my child did, my life did go on, and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more.

Just for today I will honor my child by showing compassion and love to each one I come in contact with, even as he/she spread love wherever he/she went.

Just for today I will seek to live life to its fullest, and in so doing, celebrate the life of my child, and thus, continue to keep his/her memory alive.

 

[bbarbie55]

I tried to get on earlier but my internet went off. I just wanted to say I'm glad for this site it helps. I'm not wanting christmas to come because my daughter was always here at my house for it and this year she won't be there. One relief is I have to work that day. I have even changed my tree and got rid of most of my decorations it helps a little. My other daughter will be with me christmas eve though.

I'm still having dreams about my daughters last eight weeks and how I could have changed things but I never do. I worry about my other daughter there is a fifty fifty chance of her getting Hodgkins I don't think I would live if I lost her also.

I just wish the holidays were over. The funny thing is I always loved them but not now.

Got to go  Deb

[mikesmum]

[user=13656]lorismom[/user] - Thank you for your words ......tears are falling.....Just for today.....one day at a time....Thank you.

[loveyoujustin]

Lorismom:  Absolutely beautiful.  I am going to print this, and hang it, with hopes that it will bring me hope, peace and encouragement.  I usually post on the loss of a teenager forum, as my Justin was 17 when he was called HOME, but I do like to read all the posts for I feel they offer me so very much, and I know that I truly am not alone.  I'd never have made it this far if it wasn't for the words of courage and hope from my friends at BI.  I'd love for you all to "know" Justin.  www.justinscottwagnermemorialfund.com  (The video takes about 5 minutes to download.)  My 18 year old daughter and her boyfriend set up the website.

Love,Peace and Hope to All,          Trish

[Artina]

I too have been brought to tears...  I agree with every word, fear, thought, and encouragment.  I embrace each and every one of you. 

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Tina

[summergirl]

Lorismom - what a beautiful poem, I too have made a copy of it and I am going to have it printed and framed - amazing.

ericasmom - I too went to my daughters favorite store this past weekend but I broke down and cried as I was suddenly overcome with so many emotions. Jessica loved to shop and I was with her best friend Ashley who I call my "cabbage patch girl". The lady in the store asked if Ashley was my daughter as we were checking out and we just looked at each other and I said "yes" and then it was Ashleys turn to cry. Jessica and Ashley have been best friends since I can remember and she has always been like another daughter to me, she also has a son who is just 6 months younger than Tavian and they are best friends. I guess what I am trying to say is that when I first lost Jessica I remember seeing her friends or just young people having fun, shopping or whatever and I would get so angry - like what right do they have to be out there having fun when my Jess is where she is - it has taken me a long time to overcome this anger and I can now spend time with Ashley and it is good. I know how much she hurts from losing Jess also so we have found that we are good for each other now, we talk about Jess and sometimes we cry and sometimes we laugh.

Veronicasmom - how sorry I am for your loss of your daughter - I know exactly how you feel. When I lost Jessica so suddenly I wanted to die too, I could find no reason to live except for her son Tavian - whom we have custody of - there were so many days that I look back on and I honestly cannot tell you how I survived losing her. I remember days when I would say ok you can get through this moment and then the next and the next. The first five weeks I took off work and I painted my entire house, every room. I completely redone Tavian's room as Jessica and I had went shopping and she had bought him a new big boy bed and everything for his roon right down to the paint but she never got to do his room as she passed just three weeks later. So, I did his room in our house exactly as she wanted. I am now coming upon my second Christmas without Jess and I am dreading it as much as the first but the pain has eased some. There will be so many firsts for you and I pray that you stay with this site and let everyone here listen to you and support you in any way we can. I thank God for this site - it is my life saver on some days and on other days I hope that I have helped someone in some way. You are in my Prayers.

To all - this will be my first Christmas without a child in our home in 30 years. Tavian will be with his other Grandmother for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day until she brings him home at one o'clock. I am heartbroken at the thought of not having him here, he and Jess always stayed Christmas Eve. When my son and Jess were little they used to hang Christmas lights in their rooms and decorate, Christmas was always so wonderful and we were so blessed as a family and so many good memories and now it will be my husband and I waking up Christmas morning with no one here. I know that I have to let Tavian go to his other Grandmother's as that is part of the custody and she loves Tavian as much as she loved Jessica but my heart is crying as I want him home. I want my son and Jessica here, I want my whole family here but that is one more thing I have to "get through".

Trudi -  I know what you mean about being questioned about how are you dealing, how do you feel about this or that. I sometimes just wish people would not say anything at all as opposed to saying something so stupid that you just want to tell them where to go. I just keep reminding myself when someone does that to me that they have no idea how I feel as their children are still here with them. Love and Prayers to all  - I am tired and sad tonght, need to sleep if I can.