Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmum]

Mamabets - never a  truer word spoken.  Love the heart, encircles us all here joined by loss, united in love.

Trudi

[mamabets]

For Trudi~ Danny leaves "heart" signs everywhere!! I have photo albums filled...You can see many of the pictures that I have been able to get on film of these signs on his website...

http://daniel-pallick.memory-of.com

 

Go to the photo section, or just view the slideshow on the bottom of the front page- You will be amazed!

He leaves other miracle signs too, but the "hearts" are huge!! They are comforting..The walk is still next to impossible, but you are right... We are all united in love.... 

 

LOVE,

mamabets

xoxoxo

[judy20]

I have,nt been here in a while.It,s all new and confusing to me. I got my son ,Tony,s picture in and It makes me happy to introduce you to him. He was my only child andleft no wife or kids.

[nikki1]

It's been some time since I've visited and I haven't been doing well.  I normally come to this website in my darkest hours, I don't know why.  The words on these pages from other mothers and fathers make me feel hopeful for a reason I can't explain, yet I only realize this when I'm reading through your words.

analisa4...we do have much in common with our boys and it seems they also had some things in common.  I wish you well and send you hugs.  It's been almost 2 months since this horrible moment and I'm still at a loss.  Not only for words but for life.  I hear the sound of a motorcycle (his cycle which I've named "Nick's kryptonite") and I can't get to the front door fast enough.

4everjoeysmom....thank you..... for sharing, for comforting

judy20 - welcome back. your son is very handsome.

I look at all the photographs of these lost loved ones, what beautiful people they are.  Thank you to each and everyone for sharing..

[luvumicheal]

Hi trudy..well today was somewhat of a sad day for me..I just kept thinking of my son and all the times we spent together...I had back flashes all day of the last day I saw my son happy 11/2/2007 9:00am ...We were both heading to work...being that we both worked in the same company we would stay in constant contact...If not to talk about the job..then to talk about other things..I miss his 8:30 to 9:00am call to make sure everything was ok...My younger son and my brother are also taking it very hard..making it much more difficult for me trying to console them ..when I cant even console myself....the more days pass the worse I seem to feel....today was our second day of praying for my son (2 of 9) most of my family were just breaking down one by one...Oh god how can I cope with this....I've given my younger  son this site ..so that he can see how many other people are also grieving for loss of their beloved children.and loved ones I've explained this site has helped me a great deal...reading of others that are actually going through what I am going through...I am not alone ...tommorrow will be an even harder day...We have to go to my sons apartment to pick up his belongings....OH GOD..I cant even begin to tell you the feeling that I get ..each time I even think about his apartment....I am not ready to go to back to work....I dont think  I will be for a while...too soon..too many memories in my cubicle...oh I also will be starting therapy on thursday...although I have you guys...(Thank you!!!!) I think I will also b needing proffesional help to try and get through this....until my next posting...jackie

[luvumicheal]

mamabet..thank you for your kind words ...I lost my son not even 2 weeks ago...and I know in my heart he has gone to a better place....jackie

[mikesmum]

I have just watched an interview by Susan St James about the death of her 14yr old son.  I cried as I listened to her speak of his school shirt, the last he wore, that will never be washed, it smells of him.  How she couldn't let her daughter have his computer screen, because he might want it....breaking down in tears.  To give it away would be to accept he isn't coming back. I have Micheals guitar, if he ever comes back I want him to have it.  It too will never be given away.

Someone told her that she needed to give herself at least 1000 days for the feelings of loss to ease knowing your life will never be the same. 

I heard her speak of her faith. How being told God wanted her son back sooner rather than later didn't fit with her one bit.  It was so evident that her heart was broken, tears flowed mixed with laughter and smiles, but no recriminations or blame. 

She refused to be angry or let bitterness enter into her home after the death of her son.  She said, to allow bitterness and anger into your life after this death would be like taking poison in the hope that the other person would die. 

She believed that in the instant her son died he went to wherever, the light, where he is totally free. 

I listened to this and my heart broke even more.  In the 10 months since Micheal died I have been angry and bitter.  I have wished his partner and her family felt loss at the level Micheals family have.  It has served only to isolate me, disable me at many levels.

I seek signs, as many do, that allow me to learn from Micheal.  Sitting in Australia watching an interview that is 18 months old about a mother who so loved her son was lost to her for me is a sign.  Micheals way of saying 'its okay mum'.  Let it go and live.  Remember me for who I have been, not as the one who died.

I breath a little easier today with the thought that letting go some of the anger and bitterness I can open just a bit more to allow Micheals life to be a positive.  My whys will still be with me, but the need to find restitution and revenge is no longer my focus.

I love Micheal, my son.

 

[mikesmum]

Jackie - Hi, just saw your post, must just have missed you.  Having Micheal work at the same company and having that daily contact will definitely hit hard.  To have to collect his belonging from his home even harder than I could imagine. 

All I can offer again based on personal experience, take some one with you to Micheals home.  Don't do it alone. Take time and take what you have too, try (and it won't be easy) not to be distracted by the circumstances of you being there.

I think commencing therapy/counselling is a really good thing.  I have been with the same therapist to help with Micheals death and the circumstances surrounding it.  It has given me some light in the darkness and some air to breath when I think the plot is lost and I am out to sea!

Being here is for when you want to just let it out.  Thoughts, feelings, upcoming dates and knowing you wont be alone can really help.

May the prayers of those who believe reach Micheal and surround his family with understanding and love.

I have this odd thought, your Micheal and my Micheal meeting and both impressed they have their names spelt the same way.

Blessed be - Trudi

[mamabets]

For Jackie~ I looked at your profile and noticed that your birthday is October 18th!! So is mine- I was 1955, however...

Also, my daughter's name is Jackie!! She lives in Wisonsin with our 2 grandbabies...She says now..."I never wanted to be an only child, Mom..."

I am so sorry that you are now here with us, but do know that we will help in any way that we know how... God love you, your life is just riddled with an unknown sense of fear...We all know it so well, and know you too...It's amazing, the connections we make here. 

My Danny, Jackie's brother, crossed over in June if 2004... What a wonderful man he was, and still is... They were 14 months apart, and such great friends...

LOVE

mamabets

xoxoxoxo

[summergirl]

Jackie - my name is Kathy and I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. It has been one year and nine months since I lost my daughter Jessica and I remember we had to go over to her apartment and "empty" it out within two weeks of her passing - it was so heart wrenching to have to pack her belongings away in cartons and bring them home - I kept feeling like every time I packed something I was taking one more piece of my heart away - but when all was done and I had everything home I was relieved in some way that she was here with me - everything she had was back in the house she grew up in, I hope that doesn't sound silly but it is how I felt once I got through it. I know the pain you are (we all are) going through on losing a child. There are times I read these postings and it is like I am reading my own thoughts, when I feel like I am the only person in the world doing this, dealing with this pain, crying endlessly, hating that "other person" who still have their son or daughter, trying to understand "why", then I read these postings from all of you and I realize how not alone I am in my grief. In the beginning I could not imagine going one day without talking to my Jess and yet here I am still making it, still surviving, although sometimes one second at a time but I am doing it - and I thank all of you for helping me. I have a wonderful sister who lets me cry on her shoulder by phone as she lives in Iowa and I in New York - I thank God for her and for all of you.  I miss my Jessica so much I sometimes have to look in the mirror and tell myself it's true and then I say but it can't possibly be almost 2 years since I hugged her, laughed with her and did all those wonderful things together!! Time does soften the pain but it never goes away for even one minute. Anyway I hope you get through the "apartment" okay - my thoughts are with you and with all the rest of the "club".

 To all - I hope I have not offended anyone on my thoughts about donating my daughters organs to someone in need - it is a hard thing to think about and talk about so please accept my apologies. I have come to think of this site as a blessing in so many ways and I would not want to upset anyone.

I have come to realize that my life as I once knew it is gone - there is "life with Jessica" and "life after Jessica" - it is so hard and I have cried so many tears. I have been very depressed these last few days and I can't seem to stop crying and I feel as though I am living her death over and over again each day - I try to be positive but there are days that I am just angry about everything. I know I should count my blessings but sometimes I just want to be mad because I don't have my beautiful daughter any more.

Can someone tell me how to get a picture of Jessica on the site?

I have rambled on again - sometimes my thoughts get so jumbled up because I have so much inside of me that I want to say and I never seem to quite get them out without mixing everything up. I need to keep trying so I will keep reading all of your words as they bring me comfort and also pain for all that we are all going through.

prayers and hugs to all. Summergirl (Kathy) 

[luvumicheal]

Hi summergirl..And I thank you for your thoughful words..with your words you have shown me that not only I am going through this but others as well... Its been a week and 4 days since my sons passing ..and there are days (like today) when I feel so sad....having back flashes of my sons face..and wondering how will be throughout the holidays without him...Wondering what was going through his mind...today was another heart wrenching day...I did'nt get the permission I need to get into my sons apartment...so yet another day of wait....I have to keep telling myself that "this is real" I seem to go into a state of denial...hoping to wake up to some horrible nightmare..but its not ..and my heart hurts so...oh micheal ..how mommy misses you so......I feel so sad..having to keep telling myslef that no matter what happens...my son has left me forever...and I will never see him again.....

[luvumicheal]

To Trudy, Mamabet, Kathy....Thank you guys sooooooo..much..although some people dont understand....It feels good that I can share what I'm going through with people who know what its feeling like....luv you guys....thanx....

[nikki1]

To luvumichael.....I lost my son 57 days ago and the one thing that keeps me going day after lonesome day is knowing that Nick is still with me and always will be.  They don't ever go away, but unfortunately I don't believe the pain does either.  There are times when I feel I can reach out and touch him.  My heart still aches each day.  I still carry on the conversations with him...why, what if, what could I have done differently.  I realize that this tragedy was out of my hands and in God's.  He was sent here for a purpose, completed his task and moved on to a higher level of life.....I call it his 'graduation'. 

Please know that my heart goes out to you and your family.  You do the best you can one day, one minute, one second at a time.  We're all here for you..

[lostgrievingsister]

To All

I need advice... today is my mom's bday and since my brother Michael died she has been so depressed and see's a doc who gives her alot of meds.  she told me they increased her xanax from 1mg to 2mg... She also thought I was my sis on the phone this morning and said love you mom when we hung up!!!!  She is so out of it and talking about driving 40 miles to my grandmas in the snow today!!!!  She has been depressed and lost for so long and she is on so many drugs she doesn't know who I am!!!  I don't know what to do she is in Colorado and I am in Texas!  I am afraid she will kill herself with all the drugs or kill herself and/or someone else in a car accident (the way Michael died he fell asleep driving on his way home from work at 6am and hit a semi head on). The last time she was here she was only on 1mg and she used to fall asleep eating and stuff!!!!  I don't know what to do I am afraid (I also lost my grandma and aunt in a car accident when my aunt feel asleep driving 14 years ago tomorrow) if you have any advice... PLEASE HELP!!!

Susan

Michael and Kenny's sister

[lostgrievingsister]

Jackie,

                                      ADDING PICTURES

To get a picture of your Jessica on here you click on MY ACCOUNT, then click AVATAR, and then click the BROWSE button to attach a picture file from your computer.  Good luck I look forward to seeing the picture.  Email me if you have trouble susanbrown31@yahoo.com You can also click the BROWSE button after you type a message to add a picture to the message!

Susan

Michael and Kenny's sister

[summergirl]

Susan, thank you for showing me how to put a picture of my Jessica on here. I am going to try now to get it to come up with this message. I miss her so much today - some days are harder then others and no rhyme or reason why. Hope this works.

Summergirl (Kathy)

[summergirl]

wow - I don't know how the big picture came up!! Just wanted to have the small one but I don"t know how to take it off. Isn't she just beautiful - how my heart breaks.

[summergirl]

Here is one more of my Jessica and Tavian when he was just one year old - it is my favorite picture of the two of them. He is 5 now and doing well but misses his mommy so - he always asks me at night if he can be my "little puppy" and I know it is because he really wants his mommy back and this is his way of being the baby and me (as his grandmother (Mi-Mi) the mommy - it is so heart wrenching - my heart shatters all over again each time he asks me. This is such a hard road we all walk.

 

[mikesmum]

Kathy, she is so beautiful.  Looking at the light shining through her eyes and smile holding Tavian, she has such love for him.  Personally, I think your decision to donate Jessica's organs showed great courage and gave hope to another family that otherwise may have joined us here at BI.  Her gift continues to give life.  It is an extrememly emotion decision that sees many possible organ donations lost by grieving families that have difficulty abiding by their loved ones request.

I get it when you say you bought Jessicas things back to the home she grew up in.  Micheal guitar, his ashes and a 1960's Stero handed down to him from his grandma are back with us.  Micheal is home, in many ways it gives us as a family the peace we have been missing since January.

Susan, your mum is lost.  In the early months (10 all up) my doc tried the meds.  Increasing them when my distress increased.  Well meaning friends encouraged me to take them, but I believe looking back it was more to ease their discomfort than mine.  My functionality dropped and the more depressed I was the more I took. Luckily my kids live within 45 mins of me.  While they too were lost they were sure they weren't going to lose their mum.

Being far away makes it harder for you. 

If there is anyway you can link in with her Doc or someone from a local organisation that could provide support do it.  While the Doc might not want to breach confidentiality, he cannot ignore concerns you raise with regards to her physical & mental well being. Family checking in on a regular basis by phone or in person can also be an option. 

As for calling you mum and thinking you were your sister might be as simple as her mind being scrambled.  Unable to link into what has happened could have her responding in almost an automated manner, albiet confused.  Not much comfort but I believe is is all part of the shock to the body and soul of losing a child. The reality is hard to face, our minds attempt to protect and we become vague and in essence lost.

Jackie - You are never far from my thoughts.  Being prevented from accessing Micheals apartment makes it hard.  Prolongs the agony of yet another part of him being gone.  When you do finally get to be there, let whoever needs to know that you need to take the appropriate time YOU NEED to do this! 

The strengths and energies of those within Beyond Indigo keep me safe in my darkest days.  May you all find in someway the strengths you need to continue on, remember, look around, you are never alone.

Blessed be - Trudi

[summergirl]

Susan, I am so sorry for what you are going through and I know how your mom feels, I too have been on xanax since I lost my Jessica - I only take 1mg in the morning and 1mg at night - xanax is just a quick fix and is supposed to be for panic attacks - it is not an anti-depressant - the only thing it really does for you is make you tired and relaxed. Your mom is taking 2mg and that is too much and it makes me angry that a doctor does that to someone who is in so much pain to begin with. It is strange that I talked to my therapist just today about taking xanax and she told me that it is addicting and I should talk to a medical doctor about switching over to something like wellbutrin which is an anti-depressant, it helps lift your mood up instead of putting you in a "zombie" state. I know how hard it is to be so far away from your mom as I live in New York and my mom is in Iowa and I lost my brother 5 years ago and I remember how diffacult it was to be so far away from her. I wish I could tell you something positive about how to help your mom but the problem is that when you lose a child you seek relief in any way available and this doctor seems to be making the xanax available to her. I would suggest that you write your mom a letter and let her know how scared you are for her, pour your heart out to her and let her know that you need her in your life and you are afraid for her. Do some research on xanax and send it to her. Does she have someone close to her where she lives that you can talk to and tell them your concerns? I know I am not being much help to you but I am praying for you and your mom, Stay strong and keep the faith even though I know it is easier said than done. Don't give up!! Keep writing as there are alot more people out there who can probably help you more than I, this site is precious and everyone feels for each other and they help as much as they can so sit tight and keep reading as I am sure you will hear from others. Hugs and Prayers. Summergirl (Kathy)

[summergirl]

Trudy, thank you so much for your kind words. Jessica was and is a beautiful woman and her love for Tavian was inconditional.

I think I must have somehow made you misunderstand me about donating Jessica's organs - we did not donate. We received a call about 3 hours after Jessica passed asking us to donate and I was so upset and grief stricken that I screamed at the lady to not touch my daughter and I hung up the phone. My concern, for some reason, has been that maybe I should have donated her organs so that someone else could possible have a life that might not have now - I sometimes regret my decision not to donate but as I try to say about everything else "there is a reason for everything" even though we don't understand. I am sorry for the misunderstanding.

You are a wonderful person as I can tell from the postings you write - you have such wisdom and the words seem to come to you and just flow on the page. I have a hard time taking everything in my head and putting it on paper and have it make sense. I am thankful to have your words, they have inspired me and at times made me cry but always so beautiful to read and learn. Thank you.

I will post a picture of Tavian as he is now at 5 years old so you can all see what a beautiful son my daughter left to us. Hugs and Prayers - Kathy

[mikesmum]

Kathy, I am truly sorry that I failed to read and comprehend your post.  I have said before in other posts that there are somethings I am grateful for in Micheals death.  One, I never had to make the decision to turn off his life support. Two, he did die peacefully not as a result of a trauma and final I didn't not have to make the decision to honour his wishes to donate his organs.  All highly emotional and deeply personal.

Jessica did leave someone on this earth that allowed others to enjoy, live and remember her.  Tavian.  What a beautiful gift.

My thoughts and words flow freely here.  Here I can speak of the dispair, the pain and the hopes I look for.  Outside my home is quite different.  I withdrawn and fail at communicating in so many ways.  I find it excruiating to be anywhere outside the family circle.  As with BI there is no limit to the time allowance to 'get over it'.  There is unspoken understanding. 

Micheal left a beautiful daughter behind.  Unlike you I have no access to the blessed child.  Given the circumstances and ongoing investigation into Micheals death, her mother has cut all ties with his family.

I have placed photos of my son and the love of his life at Virtual Memorials.

Take care.

Trudi

[luvumicheal]

Hello all.....1 week and 6 days...tomorrow it will be two weeks since my trajedy....My fridays will never be the same...I finally got the key to my sons apartment...but could not go to pick up his stuff...I sent my brother and my husband....I just cant bear to see anything that belonged to my son...He took his life away and my whole life has been shattered....day by day I wake up thinking another day without my son....then I start to think about the fact that this  hurt and pain is not going to end no time soon....maybe never ..its almost been 2 weeks and it feels like yesterday....My brother and my son are not taking it well at all..each time they come to my house ..its crying...and I have to go into strong mode to try to keep my sanity.....alot of stuff is coming to light now..things I did'nt know....My biggest question to this whole situation is why?..why why why? why didnt he call me....why did he decide to end his life ....it seems that it was because of his girlfriend of 2 years breaking up with him..then that just brings more  pain to my heart..to think that my sons did'nt believe in the love that I have for him.....and took his life away on account of some woman..that hurts sooo much.....I am so confused and hurt.....I dont have answers to these questions...and nonone can answer them for me.....I  have a huge void in my heart....another day  of feeling really sad.....I miss my son so much....luvumicheal 4 ever.....mommy loves you now and always....

[summergirl]

No worries, sometimes words can get confused. I thank you though, as I have said before, for all the wonderful words and comfort you have given me. My heart breaks so for all us on this site - each time I come on here I cry but I find such comfort in all that I read even though my heart aches with saddness. It will be two years for me Feb 18 and I am having such a hard time believing that Jess will be gone from me for 2 years, I do not want to think about it as then it becomes real again and I still think I am in the middle of this nightmare and I will wake up and it will be back to "life with Jessica" yet I know in my mind that is not true but my heart speaks other words to me. I am so blessed to have Tavian and he truely is his mommy's son - so much like her in so many ways - he is our savior. However, there are many times my heart shatters all over again - his first day of kindergarden, the loss of his first two front teeth (just last week), riding his bike with no training wheels, learning to swim and one hundred other things that I say "Jess should be doing this not me, I am the grandmother not his mommy", yet I also know that I am continuing what my daughter cannot and she would be proud of me for doing all that I can to get Tavian through the loss of his mommy and grow to be the person she wanted him to be. So much pain right now I need to say good night and go have a cry time. Prayers and hugs to all. 

[lindseysmom]

Your daughter and grandson ARE so Beautiful...My heart aches for you, Its is 22months that my beautiful 22 yr old Lindsey left this earth, it gets harder and harder.  I know the feeling its as though its not true and enough is enough already bring her back...I wonder if maybe I'll never truly believe it, and that is how I will spend the rest of my earthly time, or will it one day really hit me ,  who knows what lays ahead...This is such hard work, I mean to keep going for the sake of others...(other children, grandchildren and husband)....May you find some peace, and keep on loving and guiding that beautiful grandson  I feel your pain and heartache, and I admire you so...   Lindseys Mom

[mladyria]

 

 

Sorry~this got double posted and I tried to edit but it won't allow ....the pix above is one taken just before Bobby's passing.

 

I am writing a book about this kind of loss and would like to invite others to contribute to this effort.

My goal is to honor my/our children by sharing our story.

In doing so I believe we not only helping ourselves to honor our babies but bring about the needed kind of heling this kind of positive effort can achieve.

It has been nearly 8 yrs for us~my son Bobby was 32 yrs and was taken in a freak & fatal auto accident.

No time for good-byes.

As I feel about it now, it is as it should be.

I feel my son is very much still with us, in some beautiful ways.

Feel free ~please~ to make contact with me if you would like more info and/or choose to contribute to my effort for our children.

With many warm waves and positive visualization going out to you all~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Ria in Oregon~*r*

 

 

 

 

[mladyria]

I am writing a book about this kind of loss and would like to invite others to contribute to this effort.

My goal is to honor my/our children by sharing our story.

In doing so, I believe we not only helping ourselves to honor our babies but bring about the needed kind of heling this kind of positive effort can achieve.

It has been nearly 8 yrs for us~my son Bobby was 32 yrs and was taken in a freak & fatal auto accident.

No time for good-byes.

As I feel about it now, it is as it should be.

I feel my son is very much still with us, in some beautiful ways.

Feel free ~please~ to make contact with me if you would like more info and/or choose to contribute to my effort for our children.

With many warm waves and positive visualization going out to you all~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Ria in Oregon~*r*

 

 

 

 

[shuugar]

I feel so bad for everyone here. I come and read the posts almost daily and it breaks my heart when new people come on. 

It's been over 1 1/2 yrs. now since my son died and I can relate intimately with the feelings expressed by so many.

This time of the year will always be especially hard with all the holidays coming.

My heart goes out to each one of you .

Shuugar

[mikesmum]

Jackie - so many things surfaced after Micheal died that looking back make your heart ache for not knowing or not seeing.

Since his death we have learnt through statements made by his friends, Doctors and Health professionals to the Coroner that Micheals partner had for some time wished him dead.  Yep thats right she said it out loud to him over and over. 

He became distanced from family and friends throughout this relationship.  When he did visit with her, it was short and not so sweet.  It usually resulted in a huge rift between them.

He stayed with us for 10 days after she had him removed from their home in Dec 06.  He spoke about wanting a love that reflected the love he gave.  He took pride in his appearance once more, getting a haircut and beard trim. (the photo attached is how Micheal looked 4 days before he died).  When we were organising the funeral with her she told me he hated having his hair cut and it made him look silly.  (I think that was meant to hurt me, but too late he was dead and I was hurt beyond her words).

In hindsight, I believe the fact that he was with his family and friends during their brief seperation, drove her to distraction.  She wanted him on the street alone and suffering.  But after speaking with her and counsellors they agreed to 'try again'. 

That was on the Friday, he left our home, gave me a bear hug, told me he loved me and not to worry so much.  Saturday was his nieces 8th birthday.  He rang at 1pm to say sorry can't come.  His voice had lost its enthusiasm, monotoned he asked me to tell Emily he was sorry he would call her later.  When he did he spoke with his sister.  He was tired, he was sorry, things were a bit strained.  He ended the call abruptly. 

The Coroner is still investigating and we hope to have an enquiry in 2008.  In my heart I believe Micheal so loved her he wanted to believe she would love him too.  I feel that while she had control over his medication she had opportunity to make her wish that he would die soon come true.

In my mind I fear that Micheal, finding his dream of having someone love him back the way he loved them was shattered returning to her and the pain of being alone and unloved was too much for him.

Either way, I have lost a son, Melissa and Steven a brother, Harmony a dad, Emily, Zak, Caleb and Jeya an uncle and how he died will never change the fact that he died.

Blessed be to the mothers with the power of hindsight that only serves to increase their suffering at the loss of their child. 

Trudi

[lorismom]

Hello Everyone ~ I just wanted to say how deeply sorry I am to see so many new people that are now traveling this long journey. I don't write as often as I once did, but I do read everyone's postings everyday and my thoughts are with all of you. Lori's 38th birthday is coming up on November 23rd, the day after Thanksgiving. It's been 3 1/2 years since I lost her and although the pain has softened a bit, sometimes the tears are still close to the surface. Today was one of those days and I just let myself have a good cry. But I do feel thankful for the 34 years that I was blessed to have Lori in my life. She taught me a lot about love and compassion. May you all be blessed with some beautiful memories of your children to help comfort you. Love, Patty

[luvumicheal]

hi trudy, and all ...2 weeks and 1 day....this morning I got a call from my sons girlfriend of 2 years.. candice....She was in their apartment retrieving her stuff....I missed the call and upon calling her back ..heard her cries.....she said she was at the fish tank they had bought...she was cying and crying asking me to forgive her for leaving micheal....she stated that maybe if she didnt leave this would of never happend..I let her know that in the beggining this was exactly as I felt..but now with all the things that had came to light ..I guess It was obvious that probably my son had some type of mental disorder that we never picked up on...or rather..he did a good job of hiding it....she explained tht she had to leave because no matter how much she tried to love my son..for some reason it was never enough..and at the end ...it was getting physical....she expained that she loved my son with all her heart....and that now she just felt like her life should end...at times she felt like jumping in front of a car....I told her not to feel like that....we all have a void and a little anger on the way that this happend..but I guess this is the path god chose for my son...and he is in heaven smiling down at us...sometimes I think hes right by my side.....I still have so many questions...i started therapy yesterday....I need to know and learn more about the mind and how it works.....why did my son think about suicide......what disorder did he have....questions questions questions.......

[sooooo]

Hello Everyone......your wise words continue to lift my spirits on a daily basis. Trudi, I am so glad to hear that you now understand or are beginning to understand that Michael had a disorder that rendered him defenseless and that his death had nothing to do with his love for you. You loved him in just the right way and had no way of knowing or stopping him from his journey. I have known that about my David for years before he passed on and that has brought peace over the last six weeks. I could cousel, love, cajole but in the long run, he was 33 years old and free to make his own choices. How sad and lonely that is today but I have the satisfaction of knowing that he knew I loved him and accepted him completely, even when I did not agree with his choices. Depression is a mental illness and is not a personal assault on those of us who love the patient. In accepting that, I can accept that my David is now free of the mental battle he fought his whole life. God, how my heart aches for him and his boys and wife. There is nothing I can do.

I found out a few days ago that my job of 8 years has been eliminated in a buyout. I am trying so hard to not take that personal eitgher and you know, it is not personal. It is what happens and maybe God is giving me time to grieve over my David.....to get through the holidays without extra stress. I will get four months severence so I will look for a job after the first of the year. It is a double wammie but I trust that God knows what is best. I will need you all here even more.

Thank you so much for listening to my heart ache. Please realize that I read each of your postings and my heart cries with each of you (and smiles as the case may be). I do have peace about David's passing even though I am still not sure what actually caused it. The year laying in bed drinking day and night is ultimately the cause, regardless of the heart problems that came up the last few months. I have to accept that he had a mental illness and that he did the best he could do.

Thanks again for listening. I try so hard to be there for my other grown children but I just seem to cry................they hurt so much to see me in pain and I just tell them that I have to cry this one out. It seems to be a vicious cycle but I refuse to give up.

Yours in love and hope..............sherri

[mikesmum]

Sheri Jackie and all those who visit this site.  It  is hard to identify depression and the hold it has on family and friends.  Part of Micheals debilitation was the depression that came from his chronic physical condition.  It began in the first 5 yrs of his life with his then partner Lauren.  He was a chef and the skye was the limit.  She was studying at Uni and life was good.  He had difficulty standing at work and then came the pain.  Surgeries and long term difficulties saw him unable to work at his chosen profession. 

But together he and Lauren began to work with kids in foster care.  Many had physical and social problems.  He seemed to gain some ground but  more surgeries and further limitations devestated him. 

He began the downward spiral.  It led to the breakdown of his relationship with Lauren.  Micheal became very reclusive and angry, Lauren was in the final year of her Psychology Degree.  The crunch came when Lauren asked him to travel with her.  He had a pacemaker, pins and plates in his legs and couldn't walk great distances.  He never made the trip and once she returned their relationship ended.

I understood all the implications of Micheals physical problems.  I understood the depression that came with it. 

Could I have done more?, I will never know, but I find one thing I have learned in the past 1/2 century plus, No matter what information, education, understanding you have,  how closely you monitor someone, communicate, understand and hold them, when they make the choice to release from what binds them to earth, no one and nothing can be heard or seen by them that would alter their true path.

The peace they find is in places we may only hope to see. 

I write here as the 20 yr old who held this tiny boy, terrified I might in someway fail him....and most days I feel as though I have...... the 30 yr old nurse who answered to the phone to be told...'Mike is okay, he can't move his legs, but the ambulance is on the way"......The 35 yr old who  went with him when they told him the cartlidge in his body was self destructing as was the long bones attached, with no cure.......the 47 yr old who returned his message to be told he was having a pacemaker inserted the next day.....the mother who held him when his fears penetrated his armour and cried with him when all else failed.......the one who told the treating physicians that medicating was not the whole answer for someone who is dying inside.......the 52 yr old who heard the ambulance crew say....'we have a full arrest'..........the lost soul who for 10 months worked, reworked and continues to work  the last 31yrs searching for the things I missed, that I know will make no difference, but praying that I haven't missed anything with my two remaining children for fear I may lose them too.

Tears fall like rain this week, no rhyme or reason, just tears. 

 

 

[luvumicheal]

trudi- Hi...I must say that when I'm in my deepest sorrow....hearing words from people on this site is soooooo relieving.....because you understand.....I know that everyone on this site has somehow or some way stumbled upon  the road I am going through right now .....Pain....memories.....I wonder sometimes If I had interviened???ome how ...but as someone said ...My son was an adult...a young adult ..he made a decision ..when he had an option.....something must of been tormenting him...to the point where he was looking of a way out that was right for him....this what I have to keep telling myself..day after day....because the image of what he did..is the first thing in my mind once I wake up every morning....And no matter how I try ..after the image its 3000 scenarios....Guess its just me trying to make sense of everything....its just another sad day for me....

[summergirl]

Lindseys Mom, Thank you for your words and I am sorry about your loss of your daughter. Does it ever end? No - I believe it will "soften" with time but I have yet to find my way to the door that I am supposed to close so that we can move on with our lives and let Jessica "go"!! I have people tell me that, close the door, and I tell them they can say that when they walk in my shoes. No one understands the loss of a child until they expierence it and it breaks my heart to know that so many more will come to this site due to a loss. When my little brother passed away almost 6 years ago, Feb 28, I thought I knew what my mom and dad were going through but I really had no idea, the loss of my brother for me was different then the loss was for my parents and when my mom called me the night we lost jessica I remember telling her I didn't know her pain until that moment!! I am not saying that the pain of losing a sibling or spouse or friend is less but the loss of a child is what I am experiencing and I cannot begin to comprehend a more heart wrenching loss. Please forgive me, all of you out there if I have offended you in any way as I don't mean to lessen your pain or grief, I just know that I cannot imagine a more total feeling of heartbreak, pain and sorrow as the loss of my Jessica. Although I lost my brother who was 40, the pain was different then the loss of my daughter - I hurt so bad and often I tell my brother I am sorry for not thinking of him as often as I do my Jessica and I know that he understands.  

Trudi, thank you again for all your comforting words - you truely are a blessing and I look forward (hate) to reading your messages. I cannot begin to tell you what a blessing this site is for me, I showed it to my husband but he could only read a few postings and then walked away - he said it is too hard for him.

We have a son who is 30 and is in jail in Pennsylvania. I have not talked about him on this site as it has taken me some time. I love him with all my heart but he became addicted to drugs around the age of 18 and it has been an on again off again thing with him since. He has a wonderful girlfriend and two beautiful children, a girl and boy who live in Pennsylvania and I am angry at him for being in jail and not at home with his family. He was clean for about 6 months and then Jessica passed away and he went on a three week binge and did some not so good stuff - he has been in jail since March of 2006 and will be released in march of 2008. When he first went to jail and called me I refused to talk to him as it had only been one month of losing Jess and I was so angry at him for the drugs and going to jail. It took me about 6 months before I would speak to him and I was amazed at the change in him, he has completed drug counsellling and goes to therapy twice a week and has grown to be the son I always knew he could be. We have talked about Jessica alot and he tells me how much it hurts him that she was such a good mom and he is such a bad dad, I told him that people can change and thats drugs are an addiction just like alcohol and no one can help him except himself. I am mostly convinced that he will not go back to drugs upon his release but there is a part of me that is scared for him as I know how easy it is for someone to fall backwards, he has assured me that all he wants is to get out and be back with his family and take care of them and be the dad the children deserve so I try to believe. I pray that he has changed the way I believe and yet it hurts me that "did I have to lose Jessica in order for my son to change his ways?" I know God works in mysterious ways so I will pray and believe. Hugs and Prayers to all - Kathy

[summergirl]

I am going to try to put in a picture of Tavian - it is one of him while we were camping and he had his little stuffed "puppy" on his shoulder - hope this works - Kathy

[summergirl]

Wow I did it - this is Tavian and he is 5 and 1/2 now and my heart is so happy to have him with us. We won full custody on October 4th and we are so blessed by his innocence and his love that I cannot put into words what a joy he is and I thank God for him every day of our lives and I thank Jessica for being the mommy that she was and I hope that I have learned enough from her to be the best I can for Tavian. May God help us to keep him safe and loved. Kathy

[mikesmum]

Kathy, beautiful boy, so much of his mother, that smile, his eyes and those curls!  My heart goes out to you with regards to your son.  Similarities to my life bring tears and yet as with you, I never spoke openly about Micheals younger brother and his battles until I found BI. 

Somehow the human fragility hightened by the loss of our children allows us here to openly speak of other devestations in our lives that we may otherwise never touch on. 

I missed many signs of Stevens addiction earlier, basically because he didn't fit the sterotype.  He was 18 when I guess you could say my eyes were opened wide!!

Micheals death as devestated him to the core.  My biggest fear was that he would not be able to handle the death of his big brother and would seek solace in drugs. 

Whether Micheal had a hand in it I will never know, but he gained strength.  He works hard for his family and now more than ever appreciates the life he has been given.  He and his wife have two beautiful children, Zak 5 and Jeya 10 months.

We speak often of Micheal and how much his death has changed who we are and what is now precious in our lives.

My hope for you is that the dialogue between you and your son continues, that the motiviation for his recovery and progression comes from within and sustains him throughout.  Sometimes there are things in the "Being a Mummy Book", that just aren't written about......death, drugs and what to do when you don't know what to do!!!

Thank you all for being here for me  to write my chapters of my own "Being a Mummy Book"

Trudi.

[mamabets]

Bless EVERYONE as this holiday approaches...It begins a very tricky part of this journey, every year...

I am "THANKFUL" to have all of you in my life...I check on all of you every day and wish that I could just make all of this hurt go away for us all. I do KNOW with every ounce of who I am, that our ANGELS will NEVER, EVER, EVER know a pain like this...They have with them, for all eternity, a peace unlike any other, and for that, I remain grateful. By the time we get to where they are, our anguish will be silenced forever...This pain will be a faded memory that will matter no longer~

Our angels have begun our eternity for us..I try to think of it this way when I am left feeling so totally empty.

I love you all and carry you in my heart, always....

LOVE,

mamabets

xoxoxoxo

 

 

 

[mamabets]

UNBELIEVABLY, INCREDIBLY, BEAUTIFUL, Kathy~ What a PRECIOUS little boy.....The HEAVENS have spoken, and will whisper to you forever more...

LOVE,

mamabets

xoxoxoxoxo

 

 

 

[namarella]

Many of you have been talking about our kids and depression, and how they handle  it.  Eric dealt with depression for many years, probably since he was about 14 and first began experimenting with drugs.  I didn’t understand at the time that he was using the drugs to self-medicate (something he finally admitted to me years later), to help himself feel what he thought of as “normal.”  I thought of it as typical teenage rebellion that could be handled with drug rehab and group counseling...neither of which ever got to the cause for his depression (something we still don’t fully understand).  In January it’ll be two years since we lost him to an accidental overdose, and I’ll probably always wonder if there was something more I could have said or done to change things for him.  I’ve come to realize that while it was something that should not have happened, it’s not anyone’s fault that he died;  he knew we loved him and he loved us - that was never in question.  But while love alone wasn’t enough to save him, it keeps us strongly connected to him even now.

My husband and I were at my parents’ home last night for dinner and it seemed everywhere in their house are pictures of family, many of them with a much younger Eric in them...smiling and happy.  While it pains me to see his young face, knowing how his “story ended,” he’s also an ongoing member of this family, our life, our history and who we are.  How do we reconcile those happy pictures with his name on a granite headstone?  I told my husband there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to bring him back if I could...learning to live with this pain, this amputation is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  Everyone assumes holidays will be full of loving family togetherness, but how different they are for us now.  We’re having to remake them, erase expectations and learn to be thankful for the small things.  Thanks to all of you for sharing your lives, your stories, your kids...may we all find some moments of peace. 

[summergirl]

Trudi, thank you, Tavian does look so much like Jessica and yes he is blessed to have her beautiful curls althought there are days when he asks me to make it straight! I will continue to talk to my son, just today he sent me the certifcate where he has completed the drug therapy and in his letter he sounds so wonderful. He speaks alot about Jessica and how much losing his sister has opened his eyes to the path that he has taken in the past. He tells me that he disappointed her so many times yet she never stopped telling him she loved him, she just didn't like who he had become. Now he says he wants to make her proud and do the right thing, never go back to drugs and be the father he wants to be. I pray that all will be as he (and I) want but time will tell, I just have to keep praying and have faith in God that all will be okay. I always repeat the saying "God never gives us more than we can handle" and yet there are days when I am not sure I can take one more thing - and then I look at Tavian, my husband, my son, my two other grandchildren and I know that I am blessed in so many ways. I have yet to find a word for my "grief" - no matter how hard I try I cannot put into words how I feel about losing Jessica. I have all of Jessica's journals as she was a writer ever since grade school, she always wrote her thoughts etc. I have them in a box and I wonder if I will ever read them, a part of me wants to and the other part of me says no, they are her private thoughts and I have no right to look at them - and then another part of me says maybe she wrote them so I would have them even though we never thought she would leave this world before me. I don't know what to do so I just keep them in the box and maybe some day I will figure it out. I write in my journal also and have continued since losing Jessica - it is for Tavian when he is old enough to comprehend. I also started a treasure box for him - it is filled with Jessica's most favorite jewlery, perfume, pictures, a piece of her hair, a scrunchy she used to wear. It also contains all of the little notes and letters that people leave at the cemetery -  I bring them home and write the date so he will be able to see how much she was loved and missed. Her headstone says "I love you to the moon and stars mommy" as that is what they said to each other every night at bedtime. It also says "if tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I would walk right up to heaven and bring you home again", I visit often as Jessica loved flowers and I make sure she has them all the time. How I wish I didn't have to do this.

I am happy that your son is doing so well and I am sure that Micheal somehow had a hand in it -  thats what Angels do - they watch over us although we sometimes don't know. I have had the experience of Jessica visiting us through butterflies, please don't think i am crazy but ever since she passed there have been many times when we have spoke of her and suddenly a butterfly has landed right next to me. Once one landed on my husband's shoulder and stayed there for almost 5 minutes and one day at the beach a beautiful butterfly landed on Tavian's hand and stayed there long enough for me to take a picture - I will post it so you can see. Sometimes it's easier to believe.

I know about the "mommy book".

Prayers and hugs to all - a hard day today so I need to go kiss Tavian goodnight and then I can have a cry - it makes him very sad to see me cry so I try my best to fall apart when he is not watching.

[mikesmum]

Kathy, I think some days God loses track and double doses those he already gave so much to!!

I am so pleased you are in contact with your son.  Much of the openess with Steven came through while he was incarcerated.  He completed tertiary education levels and continued on when he came home.  He did stumbled when he came home, but with each stumble came further awareness and acknowledgment. 

Micheal sends us raindrops. (great cause Australis is in a drought)! The day he died it rained and continued until his funeral.  We talk about him being at peace, but he left with tears. 

Cannot wait to see the butterfly.  Given the standard I live by now, you are not crazy, however, outside this site people do tend to worry about your mental status, if only they knew the depth of 'craziness' attached to losing your child!!!

You and yours are as always in my thoughts - Trudi 

[briansdad]

I wanted to share this web site of a really good guy who lost his daughter in 2001

He writes songs about our journey and sometimes helps to know we are not alone.

Here are the lyrics to one I think we all could use at this time of year.

 

You know it’s true in every life some rain is bound to fall

I know you stand the most to gain when you think you have lost it all

There are two choices; You can stay down on the floor

or take a look inside yourself and reach for something more.

 

If you aim high  dig deep

Work like you’ve never worked because you are playing for keeps

You’ve got to hold on so you can let go.

 In your hour of weakness you are stronger than you know.

 

There’s no shame in falling down it happens all the time

God always leaves a ladder so don’t you be afraid to climb.

 There’s still a bright tomorrow if you’ll look for the light.

Give yourself your best shot it’s gonna be alright.

 

No I won’t be easy. Big things seldom are. Trust your heart, a brand new start is waiting there for you.

 

Yes, in your hour of weakness you are stronger than you know

In your hour of weakness you are stronger than you know.

http://www.griefstore.com/griefstore/mall/audios/music.asp

[mamabets]

For Briansdad~ So very beautiful, so you... I love you and will always be beside you and Jan as you journey on. We have made so many special memories, just being there for each other, and I would so miss you if you weren't in my life today.

LOVE,

mamabets

xoxoxo

[summergirl]

Trudi, the same for me, my son BJ (Barry Jr.) has talked more to me since he has been incarcarted then we did when he was "free". I try hard to understand what it must be like behind those cell doors and I can't imagine what it is like to not have your freedom. However, when he starts feeling sorry for himself I remind him of all that he has waiting for him when he is released - things that his sister will never have the chance to do again. Being a mother or father is the hardest most rewarding "job" that we have and I remind him every time we talk that we chose to have our children and we love them unconditionally and we must take responsibility for their little lives as they learn from us. I often wonder how I had two children so completely different in every way - Jessica was so easy, funloving, a leader, athletic and always knew what she wanted and took responsibility for her and Tavian's lives although it wasn't always easy being a single mom, BJ on the other hand was always afraid of failing at life, a follower and never sure of himself. We have talked about this and he said the drugs always made him feel like he could be who he wanted to be, not knowing what the drugs actually do to your life and those who love you. I have never given up on him and never will but there are lines you have to draw as a parent in order for a child to grow. Not sure if that is in the mommy book.

I hope the picture of Tavian and the "butterfly" comes up as I will add it to this message. He had a Thanksgiving party in kindergarden today and it was so cute, he read us a story that he wrote about fishing - his favorite thing to do. It was hard as I looked around and saw so many "mommies" there and here I am a grandmother!! But I stay strong and then fall apart when I am once again alone.

I have always wanted to go to Austraila but am not so great with flying that long of a distance - it's funny the path our lives take - as you live there and it has always been a dream of mine to go there.  Raindrops are a beautiful thing - Jessica and I used to love a rainy day, we would sit around eating pop corn and watching "girl" movies. How I miss her so.

Prayers and hugs to all - everyone is always on my mind and I thank God everyday that I was led to this site.

[billssister]

Jess truely was a beautiful girl, She  had such a wonderful sense of humor and the greatest "giggle" ever, she made the world a better place. I will miss her always. Tavian is such  great little guy and blessed to have my sister for his grandmother.

                               Love you kath

[mikesmum]

Kathy - The picture is beautiful.  The butterfly most definitely from Jess, it stays poised for the photo, gently on Tavians arm.......

I am I reading right?  Is your brother called Bill??  Only asking cause my baby brother (one year younger) is named Bill.  He lost a son to Cystic Fibrosis 6 yrs ago, Luke was 15yrs old.  He lived with his mum, Bill had little contact at the request of his ex. 

He is my grounding rod.  In all of lifes little trials he has been there.  We lost our mum in May 05, offically becoming orphans, something I didn't think much about until we got together as a family that first Christmas.  Bill our older brother and  I were the last of our family unit.  Funny how you never see yourself in the role you knew your parents for!  (Oldies)

Steve has been home for 2+ yrs.  I won't lie, with Stevens addiction I  had an acceptance that I might lose him.  Many of his 'group' died from overdoses.  Working in an Emergency Call Centre didn't help.  I could tell when the stuff was on the streets and hold my breath hoping Steven wouldn't succumb.

The only person Steven talked about prison life with was Micheal.  All Micheal would tell me was "he really doesn't want you to know what happened in prison, more for you than him".  I am just thankful that in many ways Steven has put his experience somewhere safe to allow him to return to his family and begin a life that may otherwise have been lost.

Hope one day you will travel to the land down under.....This was to be my big overseas trip year!  US, Britian, Europe, but you know things happen and well maybe another time.

Take care......Trudi

 

[summergirl]

Tears run down my face that you have found the site!! I miss you girl and it is so good to hear from you here among so many people who travel the same path. Jessica is smiling down on you as your were "the bomb" in her eyes - she loved you so much and I can never tell you how wonderful it was when she stayed with you that month and you got to know her so much better - I want you on this journey with me for beautiful Jessica and our loving brother Billy - how much they are both missed and loved every day, with every breath we take. I love you my sister, my best-friend. Please keep posting - it does my heart good and you will get to meet some really wonderful people here, those who have inspired me and cried with me and most of all we travel this long path together here on BI.  Prayers and Hugs - I miss you.

[lorismom]

Hello Everybody ~ Just thought I'd stop by to wish all of you who will be having Thanksgiving tomorrow a peaceful day. I am very thankful for my Beyond Indigo family and all the wonderful parents who post on this forum. It has been a lifeline for me and for that I am very grateful. Thank you all. Love, Patty