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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Virginia it’s really not fair that you should be facing so much loss in your life - kyle has had to deal with too much as well - I have no idea how you manage to keep it all together, doing your best for your son and holding down your job but you do -   Your emotions are understandable.

Your mum looks so beautiful and kind - it’s no wonder that you feel wrecked today.    She looks very young and so happy to be cradling Nique.     It is heartbreaking to hear how short this time together was - do you think that they are together again now?   That would be such a comforting thing.

I have been speaking with you here for a few years now and I shared your misery of losing a child - I have seen you, Carol and myself follow the changes in our grief -  that weirdness of still grieving and feeling that same pain but propping ourselves back up and grappling control of the outward showing of our  despair .   We understood how deep the loss was and the facade we were erecting around us and then Christopher’s illness came.   I didn’t think it was possible for him not to get better - how could you have to face any more loss ?     Everyone here, your friends, were so shocked for your family.    It resonates with me as David left a widow and a young son and I know how awful that has been - all the added sharp moments they have faced - just as you and Kyle may do - normal life for everyone around them but with a sore kick in it for them.  Difference is David’s wife wasn’t already grieving.

I think that I’ve said enough - I do have a tendency to talk then change my mind and delete - I try not to upset anyone more than they already are - that is probably why people are silent about loss - thinking that they are sparing us - themselves too!
Big hugs - virtual kettle on and box of tissues chat .  I’m so sorry .  Roz x

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Jackie, Garrett didn’t change much did he ? That same sweet face  -  I can see him clearly .

Like Virginia’s precious photo of her mum and Nique your dad and Garrett together has caught a special moment.     Have a restful weekend, Roz x

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I’ve been thinking about something I heard the late queen say some time ago but only saw the clip today - as you can imagine the tv is wall to wall memories about her.

She said… 

“This is an Aboriginal proverb.
  We are all visitors to this time,  this place.      We are just passing through.      Our purpose here is to observe,  to learn,  to grow,  to love  and then we return home.”

I find it calming.     The Aborigines have been in Australia for such a long time and their stories and beliefs are rich and ancient.     I believe all kinds of things at different times.  I’m not at all consistent but I hope that all our loved ones that have gone before us are at peace.

Roz x

 

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Roz, thank you for your kind words. Its so weird how I can swing on this pendulums of upbeat and optimistic to down in the depths of despair. Some days I feel like I have a handle on this grief thing, and other days I feel like a 5 year old who wants to crawl under the blankets and hide forever.

My mom was 50 when she died, she fought cancer for 3 years. How my dad cared for her during hospice was my model for how to take care of Christopher.

I have been having a pity party all week. Trying to pull myself out of it. 

I believe my mom was the one to help Nique cross over. I believe Christopher's dad helped him. I wonder who will help me: I love them all and cant really tell you who I miss the most. I miss them all for different reasons. Who do you think will be the first one you see?

I love that quote. Something to try and remember. "This too shall pass."

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Jacqueline3

Dearest Virginia, what a beautiful picture of your Mum and Nique.   I am so sorry you have suffered so much.   Kindness and love glow on your Mum's face.  I am thinking of you.

Dearest Roz, thank you.   He really did not change much.  he was always a little stinker... Funny, sweet, loving and ornery.   I miss him horribly.... I so love Garrett.   I dearly love the Aboriginal proverb.... It is simple, beautiful and in a strange way reassuring.

Dearest Michael,   The last week I was so stressed and such a grump, not my usual manner of behaving.. I hate myself for that week and wish to hell I could change it.  I cry in regret each and every time I think of it..... I just want to hold Garrett close and never let go...

My thoughts are with you all,

Love and hugs

Jackie

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Wow Virginia , that released the tears - you asking who I thought I’d see first .   No one has ever asked but I have thought it.  I’d expect it to be my mum .     Of course David would  be there too but I think my mum would be the one to take my hand and bring me to everyone else.   love Roz x  thanks for asking.
 

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Jacqueline3

I have spent much of the day by my tree with the birds..contemplating this new life I have been handed that I do not want, like the rest of you.... This is just my mind working today, I have been in a rather despondent state today, miserable with myself and this life I do not recognize. I have cried and sat in silence and wondered how I ended up here and how my precious Garrett was taken with no regard for his life.   I am in a dark mood today and just need to talk... I am sorry to everyone...  This is what my mind wondered to in the moment....

....This journey is much like an endless trip up Mt. Everest.   I cannot get off and if I stop I freeze to death..  Each step is painful and arduous, taking a breath at times feels like I'm  drawing frozen air into my lungs.  My insides and emotions are empty except for the sharp pain of the climb, each step having the potential of driving that pain higher.  The terrain is cold and empty and no matter how many people are with me, I am alone on this hated climb.  People tell me "this is life" and "Look at the beauty all around you:" but all I see is the empty, painstaking next step I must take.  Perhaps there is beauty but I cannot see it because my emotions and  body and heart are frozen with the cold empty pain of the reality of the climb I never wanted to make..  There are time others like me with no choice but to climb, throw me a rope and a life line when I am most desperate, but they too are suffering and freezing in pain..  Others, with a choice, can play, enjoy themselves and make their way back down the giant mountain yet I am no longer given that choice, I must continue to climb knowing that there is no end.  This climb goes on and on, each and every day for the rest of my life.

Sorry again....I am very sad today and wondering how to live this life.

Jackie

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Jackie   - Your analogy to climbing a mountain is a good one.Life is a struggle. Aimlessly moving forward, Apart from moving forward in order to push others (my boys) up towards a brighter place, it just feels like a slow slog,

Who do I hope meets me when I pass on....that would be Kaitlin holding her baby brother who did not make it to term. I lost my dad when I was around 34 but nothing compares to this loss. Although my dad was young, he did have the chance to meet someone who loved him, have kids, grand kids. and do many other things that K will never have the chance to do. My husband lost his dad perhaps six or seven years ago and was also saying today how this grief is unlike any he has experienced.

Love and miss my girl so much. Theresa

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Jacqueline3

I did not answer that question, without a doubt, I want that person to be Garrett and Knowing my boy it will be... God I love and miss him so much....

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Dustins Mom

I feel very strongly the souls sent to help me cross over will be my husband and my son.
When meditating or in church, I can feel the presence of my husband on my left side and my son on the right. But I expect they’ll be leading me to a big surprise party where I’ll see every soul I’ve ever loved or who’s ever loved me. My Mom and Dad would be the first in line of course - we loved each other deeply and as the youngest in the family I was always ‘Daddy’s little girl’. And I have so many aunts and uncles, grandparents and long lost friends. It would be spectacular with lots and lots and of colorful lights and flowers twinkling everywhere! And we’d all be drinking cups and cups of pure love and light. Maybe it’s just a fanciful dream but it gives me hope. 
And then a sadness comes over me when I realize I’ll be leaving my other son behind to mourn me. And that breaks my heart for him. There’s just no easy way out of this thing called Life. 

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I believe it would have been my mum that would have met David too.   
whenever strange things have happened at home since they died I always think that it would have been my mum’s doing  - I may be wrong , of course,  but that’s what I imagine.   They can tell me later if I was wrong!


My grief for David is totally incorporated into me now - it is profound- how could it not be?  whereas, my grief for my mother,  although being incredibly sad ,  is a more natural state of loss.     Mum was old when she died but if I’d have been a youngster it may be a different grief I’d experience - I was able to enjoy a long period of my life with my wonderful mum  .    There is an order that we expect and when that is not the case it is destabilising .
 

I have someone who is rattling me - she is always declaring what a marvellous  family and perfect life she has and how blessed she is - this is a daily announcement.     Good for her but it’s the ‘blessed ‘ bit that seems to effect me.  Does it mean that I’m cursed ?   I don’t think so and I do appreciate my family but I’d find it very hard to think that I’m blessed.   Maybe unfortunate or unlucky  - not sure - that doesn’t sound right either.    I don’t usually think of myself  in that way but I do feel sorry for myself .    What a lot we have to process and how sensitive we become to things that shouldn’t be troubling us.    Roz x
 

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I wonder about people who say they are so "blessed". Are they over compensating? Are they really miserable and dont want to admit it?or on the flip side have they experienced something that makes them realize how "blessed" they are to be alive and with what they have?

I had feelings friday at work. Sitting in my office I can hear my coworkers talking, and the sentence I heard is how they are a good mother because her kids are alive and procreating (she will be a grandma next month). I know her and I know it was all said in jest, but I will tell you it made me tear up. I know I am not a bad mom because Nique died, but what an awful way to kiddingly say your a good mom, because you kept them alive! And then I wonder how many times I have said things that sliced right thru another person, and I never knew and never meant to hurt them.

Life is hard, being a human with emotions is hard. I am tired and just want to stay hidden away. 

Getting ready for another week.

Love to you all

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Hmmm .   I was watching an instagram roll yesterday and happened across a young women who had organised a grieving site after losing her brother to suicide and her sister and two young nieces to a car accident.   She  went on to tell anyone listening how they should treat a grieving person and what you should and should not say .   There was loads of things on her ‘do not ‘ list that we do here regularly  with the best of intentions.   The whole world cannot be filtered and we do grow that protective layer around us - it’s the totally unexpected that bites.    So, you’re right Virginia we may have innocently hurt others with our own words in the past but , of course, without malice 
I recall reading on a forum ( not a grieving one) someone sharing that they had lost their grown child and how they didn’t know how to cope with the loss - the replies were condolences and others who were living with the same loss , but a couple of messages just said how relieved they were that it wasn’t happening to them ! !     Or how lucky/blessed they felt to not be in that boat.   Can  you imagine anyone thinking the thing to do was to say exactly what they were thinking - that they were happy it wasn’t them - truthful but callous and not at all helpful.    Roz x

 

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Mason’s Mom

It is so strange how things happen.  At Mason's funeral there was only one song. A friend of ours is an amazing singer and he sang a song named  home.  I have been thinking about it for a  few weeks,  I  haven't been able to listen to it since his service.  Some of the lyrics  are "Everybody dreams of going home it seems, Lately I am no exception to the rule. But home is so much more than windows, walls and doors. It's a warm embrace and smiling faces awaiting you". I have gone back and forth with the question,  will this happen.  I want so badly for it to be true. I  miss my dad, but the one I want to see and hug more than anything is my boy. 

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Such moving words - no wonder you can’t face listening to them .    
   I too want to believe that I will hold David again , forever.      What a moment that would be - do we wait for our other children and loved ones to join us ?   David will be waiting for his wife and son too.   Will time be as we know it - or of nothing ?   Can it be a physical reunion or something more - something beyond our experience?     Not asking for answers , just musing. 

I hope the health problems at home are sorted now or at least in hand.    Are you feeling less stressed?    Thinking of you, Roz x

 

 

 


 

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I had a number of messages on my landline phone after being away for a few days - as I played them back I went too far and the last message on there from David played.   I know it well but how I wish he were still there to return that call.    He was a long way away , on the other side of the world, but still there .  I love him and miss him so much .   It’s too cruel.   Roz.  X

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Jacqueline3

Roz, I am sorry, that had to be so difficult.   I found some of Garrett's old text messages a little while ago and I cried through them all.  Thinking of you.

Carol, I believe with all my heart we will all be reunited.   I am a spiritual person and I believe our love ties us together into the afterlife and beyond.  Love is truly the only thing that science cannot explain.   It is more than this life or earth.... Just my beliefs but ones at the core of my soul.  

Virginia, You are so hard on yourself right now.   You do not nor have you ever reminded me of a careless speaker or a careless person..  The woman saying about being a good mother just sounds idiotic to me.   I do not believe there is a line of people out there that you have hurt with careless words or actions....  Be easier with yourself, life has been hitting you very hard for a long time.   Thinking of you...

Thinking of you all,

Jackie...

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Michael Rodriguez

morning , been reading post but not posting ....was rather busy until i decided to take saturday afternoon off....B's buddies called to ask me if i wanted to hit the trails on saturday . decided to go with them ...,.all of them had a companion to ride with , except yours truly , that space was for my son !!! got into the trails around 1 pm , finally got out of them close to 9 pm .....we went thru La Tigra rain forest which surrounds Tegucigalpa and landed in San Jancito ....used to be a major minning town , first cinema in honduras and the first US embassy back in the late  1800's ....it was fun , but i spent good portion of the trails with tears in my eyes .....as far as getting a welcome when i cross over .....i love my mom and dad dearly, my brother and i were really close .....but i want B there for me !!!!

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On 9/11/2022 at 10:54 AM, Jacqueline3 said:

Dearest Yvonne,

I hope you are getting my messages....  You are on my mind...

I wake up each morning after frustrating, heinous dreams of hunting for Garrett.  No one will help me and I cannot find him... When I wake up the cold, ugly reality slams into my face like a wrecking ball....  I am a damned mess.... sadness is like a clingy wet blanket that I cannot even get open enough to breath right.... Thinking of everyone.

Judith, how are you?

Robert, I know you are fast approaching a year and I think of you and your wife..

Ramona, how are you?

to all that have posted  yet not frequently, I hope you have found some source of assistance and comfort even if just for short times a day...

Jackie

 

Hi Jackie

 

thanks for asking about me. I am struggling pretty bad. Tomorrow 9/20 will be 8 months since my daughter has been gone. I have never in all 33 years of her life ever gone that long without seeing my child. I can't believe how the time flies and yet it seems like it just happened yesterday. 

 

As you all know and feel. I am just on a rollercoaster ride of grief. My children are all I have and to know one of them is gone is just tearing at my heart and soul. And her and I are the closet of my 4 kids.

 

I continue to read all the posts just don't post much because most of the time I am reading them while I am at work.  This life is just a struggle. Never in my lifetime would have thought I would be walking down this path.

 

Prayers to all of you. 

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Dustins Mom

I ran into an old co-worker of mine who I hadn’t seen since by youngest passed in May. She also has 2 grown children and immediately went to the ‘I can’t imagine’ … I told her to please NOT try to imagine. Because it’s 1000x worse than any nightmare we’ve ever had. I see you my sisters and brothers in grief. Sending hugs and love to all - Angie 💔

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Michael Rodriguez

i hate that "i cant imagine" crap......no, honestly nobody can imagine. the pain is unforgiven

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Dustins Mom

Michael - I understand your sentiments! I just try and put myself in their position. I have a bad/good? habit of trying to ‘walk a mile in another man’s moccasins’ and looking from their eyes. And If the roles were reversed what would I have said? And realize I probably would have said the same thing to them. There are no ‘right words’. It’s been over 4 months now and I still find it hard to imagine!!!! Like it’s all just some horrible mixup. I know you understand that feeling too. 💔

Be well. 🙏🏼

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Mason’s Mom

The things people say and the things we have said in the past before we suffered such a loss can be overwhelming.  I believe most people don't  know how to react and they really can't imagine how our lives have been impacted. I know there have been times I have been wounded by careless words or acts. I remember when we were battling infertility and watching parents treat their children poorly or constantly talking about how their kids drove them crazy and all I wanted to be was a mom. Now that I have lost a child the same words haunt me again. I finally got to be a mom and I wouldn't trade it for anything.  I not only miss my son, I hate that he didn't get to experience so many things. I question why children are born and their lives are not  cherished. I am just rambling on and on, but the closer it get to MASON'S Birthday the harder it is to realize it is the 5th without him. My forever 21 boy. 

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Dustins Mom

It’s so hard to fathom why we’re given these beautiful children only to have them taken from us. It’s only been 19 weeks since I lost my son. I had the realization a few weeks ago that he would be forever 39; his birthday is coming up in Nov. and I’m fairly certain I’m not going to handle it very well. And then I realized that my 65th birthday is coming up in a few weeks and it will be my first birthday without him since I was just a young adult of only 25 years old (was just a month away from giving birth to him). Those are the things that can just bring me to my knees.

I also was praying 🙏🏼 I might get a grandchild from Dustin - I figured at 39 he still had a few years left to make it happen and hadn’t given up hope. In spite of all their efforts and money, my older son and daughter in law are now both 44 and were never able to conceive after 20 yrs of marriage. So the grim reality is I won’t be blessed with a grandchild in this lifetime and that is a whole other loss I’m feeling on top of losing my son and my husband before him. I’m only left to wonder why things happen the way they happen. And know there are no answers to be found. 

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Dearest Ramona,

I too can relate to never thinking that this would be the road I was forced to walk.   It terrified me.   I am still on the roller coaster ride up and down... I can me calm one moment then a mess for the next hours.   I am close with all three of my children and Garrett is the best friend a person could have.. and he blessed me with his genuine, caring, loving and fun friendship. The girls both left home and he and I did everything together.  It just breaks my heart over and over again, all the things he will not be able to experience.  He deserved so much better than he was given.

I too feel like it has been forever since I have seen his face smiling and asking if he could borrow me for a moment.... "Always"...god, I miss that. .Yet there are times it seems like just yesterday this ugly nightmare began.   I am with you Ramona, I will forever bleed tears of pain and love for my Garrett. 

Thinking of you,

love and hugs to all,

Jackie.

Dearest Judith.... How are you?

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I have such profound sorrow at the loss of my daughter Diana that I'm unable to think and am barely functioning. I'm so thankful that she was a part of my life, but I can't comprehend going forward without her. I loved her unconditionally and told her each time we talked that I loved her. I feel like I'm trying to run a marathon with only one leg. Impossible to do. Grief is the price we pay for having loved. I've lost interest in everything, just have an emptiness inside me. I feel the pain each of you express here. This is the one place that I feel understood because I can identify and relate with you all, we're each on this horrific journey. Sending love and hugs to all.

Yvonne

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Dearest Yvonne,

I know that feeling, nothing has meaning anymore.  I have forced myself to do things but even sewing and painting (things I have always loved to do), I can see the lack of care I once had.   My three children are my life... Now my life is irreparably broken and distorted.  It isn't even my life now... I do not know who's life I am living.   I don't remember a day that I haven't cried or a life without endless sorrow and emptiness.  Garrett has a rack where he hangs his sweat jackets.   I wrap my arms around them and hug close, but it is never enough.   I miss my best friend.  I now have this life I just exist in....  I agree with you Yvonne grief is the tangible evidence that we love and we love deeply for our child.   As agonizing and horrible as this is... I would not have the grief any other way as it is the reality of having a close relationship and loving my Garrett without condition.... Yet each and every day I force myself from bed... I wonder how the hell I am supposed to live this life.... I don't want this... I want my son, my family whole.   My heart bleeds for us all

Love and hugs,

Jackie

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Dearest Yvonne,

Hit my button too soon, Garrett always said watching me operate modern technology was painful.  He and my eldest, Jolene would handle all of my computer and phone issues.  

Just keep moving, as difficult as it is... as best you can.   Cry, scream, whatever you need to get through each day..  I know I keep saying it but our children and loved ones are close.... I believe that from the core of my soul.   I am not one to force my beliefs on anyone, usually I don't like to say much of anything that way..... but I can feel my Garrett at times.... Our children are close.  The love we share binds us together even through this tragedy. 

I am thinking of you all,

Jackie

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So I found something that helped. Kyle and I have been in funky moods the last couple weeks. The other day I came home, picked up Christopher urn, and just hugged it. The next day I encouraged kyle to hold the urn. We have both been in much better moods I think it helped to have something to physically hold, even though we know its not Christopher. I never picked up Nique urn to hug it, maybe it would have helped me when she first died.

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I have Don's urn in a very open place so I see it all the time.  I periodically touch it and talk to him.  I now will pick him up to hug and talk to him.  He would always give such great hugs and kiss me on the top of my head.  He was so much taller than me.  I am struggling these days but your posts have been giving me comfort. I feel bad,  after all this time (16 months), I still have a hard time remembering whose name goes with each child.  I remember two, however, I remember all our children's names.  I will try to do better.   I  read every day, I just don't post.  This is the first place I come each morning to check on you all. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.  Thank you all for helping me get through each day.

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We all felt that scattering David’s ashes to the ocean was the right and fitting thing to do - he loved to. go diving and explore the world  .     When I go for my walk by the sea each day it gives me comfort to think that  he could find his way home on the waves.      I get what you all feel having the close contact with the urns but the urn wouldn’t be with me - it would be with his wife and child in Australia - same as if he’d been buried it would be in Australia- that distance from him would be so much worse and make it extra hard not to be able to sit by his grave  -  I know that Carol finds comfort  visiting Mason’s resting place and seeing who has visited him  - I wouldn’t be able to do that from this distance  .  I try my best to accept  what few choices I have in all of this .

I've not  been at all well this week - my husband and I both have coronavirus.   Not nice.    Hope we are over the worse soon.    

Nice to hear from you Lisa and Yvonne.   It is a struggle but us all supporting each other helps a lot - makes us feel a lot less isolated or singled out.

Michael,  how lovely of B’s friends to want you with them on the trails .   Were you on motor bikes? It must have been bitter sweet - enjoying the time there but missing B .  
 
My daughter has been away in Malta for the past week and for the first time I found myself worrying  about her - I didn’t know why but I now think that because I’m ill it made me more vulnerable (?)   She has just messaged to say that she is home.      

i hope that you can all find some peace in this day.  Love Roz x

 

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Michael Rodriguez

thanks roz.....no, we drive jeeps ......they call me every time that they will hit the trails. we are surrounded by mountains , so a trail is 5 minutes away from wherever you are .....we have a whatsapp chat group called "adopted" all of B's friends are in the chat group. now sunday evenings is a gather at my house to watch " house of dragons" or whatever  it is called .....most all of them are watching it , so they showed up and we order whatever the majority wants to eat.....usually chineese or pizza

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18 hours ago, Changed said:

We all felt that scattering David’s ashes to the ocean was the right and fitting thing to do - he loved to. go diving and explore the world  .     When I go for my walk by the sea each day it gives me comfort to think that  he could find his way home on the waves.      I get what you all feel having the close contact with the urns but the urn wouldn’t be with me - it would be with his wife and child in Australia - same as if he’d been buried it would be in Australia- that distance from him would be so much worse and make it extra hard not to be able to sit by his grave  -  I know that Carol finds comfort  visiting Mason’s resting place and seeing who has visited him  - I wouldn’t be able to do that from this distance  .  I try my best to accept  what few choices I have in all of this .

I've not  been at all well this week - my husband and I both have coronavirus.   Not nice.    Hope we are over the worse soon.    

Nice to hear from you Lisa and Yvonne.   It is a struggle but us all supporting each other helps a lot - makes us feel a lot less isolated or singled out.

Michael,  how lovely of B’s friends to want you with them on the trails .   Were you on motor bikes? It must have been bitter sweet - enjoying the time there but missing B .  
 
My daughter has been away in Malta for the past week and for the first time I found myself worrying  about her - I didn’t know why but I now think that because I’m ill it made me more vulnerable (?)   She has just messaged to say that she is home.      

i hope that you can all find some peace in this day.  Love Roz x

 

Roz, I hope you are feeling better. A year ago our family had the virus, it was tough. Try to rest and I completely understand the concern for your daughter. Good to know she is home.

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Dearest Roz,

Wishing you and your husband a swift recovery.   I can understand the worry for your daughter.  I worry about my two girls incessantly.   I think that is normal for all of us considering what we have been through.  That fear of parents is a reality for us.  I am thinking of you

Garrett's sweat jackets are the thing that I hug and clutch close.  They hang on the wall behind his door.  For a very quick moment I can make myself belief he is wearing one.... They used to smell like him.   That so very special part has faded and that brings me sadness and a hollow emptiness but they comfort me still.   I can lay my head against the softness and remember all the ways my boy is loving, caring and kind.  God I miss Garrett.

I was dreaming again I could save him and was running around then I woke up and reality like a wrecking ball hit me in the face....This is becoming a nightly routine.... 

Thinking of everyone,

Jackie

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Hope everyone is okay, been thinking of you.  I am sad this weekend (as if I am never not sad).... and weepy.  

Love and hugs,

Jackie

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Took kyle to his first haunted house and corn maze. He had a ton of fun but some really hard moments. He was getting out of the Human Hamster ball and siblings got in behind him. He says "one of those kids could have come in with me so i wasnt alone." I explained they are sibs and prob wanted to go together. He says "it sucks being alone."  Then driving home, its pretty dark and he asks "was it this dark when sister was killed?"  That question threw me a bit and made my heart hurt. I am glad we have open communication but it does kinda suck just being us two.

20220924_192054~3.jpg

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Virginia - I love your photograph.   Just a thought after what you are saying in your message - have you heard of the organisation in Florida called Valerie House ?    Could you and Kyle be interested in his meeting up with kids facing loss of parents or siblings ?   If you haven’t , take a look see..   it seems to offer an interesting opportunity.     A meet up with other kids in the same boat can’t be bad.

Roz x

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Michael Rodriguez

nice picture , well you have each other ......i can see in my wife the struggle you ladies have .....the problem with her , is that when she goes into her episodes , she just curls into bed and cries for days .....wish i could help , but usually i become a burden .....she will not talk to anybody about it and just loves feeling sorry for herself ....i wish she would join this group or any grief group or look for a therapist....but she just will not do it......

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Jacqueline3

Dearest Virginia, that is a wonderful picture of you and Kyle.  Good for you getting out, that had to be hard.   I have not yet done anything of the kind.  I am still barely doing the grocery store.

Dearest Michael, I am sorry your wife is struggling so badly..  I wish she would come talk with us, it might help. Talking with all of you has helped me immensely and I am still a damned mess.   My husband won't either, neither will my youngest girl.  Jolene has found a site for siblings and it has helped her.  

I find myself sitting on the bench with the birds and chipmunks talking for a little then just sitting in silence for long spans of time,  I still cry,every day, feeling so empty and broken.  I still keep trying to figure out how to live this life that I hate.  Each day is a chore that I drag myself through.  

Thinking of you all,

Jackie

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