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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Jackie

Garrett sounds like a very caring person. K also marched to the beat of her own drum. She always seemed comfortable speaking with adults but was always searching for that one true friend. She was bullied in school as well. All of my kids were. We are a very technically minded (geeky) and yet artsy (theatre life) family and this probably contributed to them being the target of bullies. It is very hard when you feel you have raised kind gentle kids who unfortunately sometimes don't receive the same treatment.

Its interesting that you mention Garrett not realizing how exceptional he was. K was the same in that way as well. It was unbelievable and kind of sad to hear people who came to her celebration of life and how much they thought of her. Three of her professors from university (she had been out two years) asked to set up an award at the school and dedicate a hallway that she hang out in to her. The dance school that she attended until she was done high school mentioned her at their yearly dance recital. The CEO of her company in the Netherlands talked about her at the global work meeting. One of the girls from the youth theatre group mentioned that she felt K had given her a sign that her mom who had passed months before was okay. One couple attributed what happened to K to saving the husbands life as he decided to call 911 just in case and was havin a heart attack. K would have been absolutely flabbergasted at all of this. It is very sad that these feelings aren't shared with people while they are still physically here to hear them.

I miss those long talks as well. I know K thought of me as her confidant and she was mine as well.

Today is my wedding anniversary which of course we don't really feel like celebrating. K was the one who would get together with the boys and create some type of "romantic" dinner for us. This morning on my drive to her house (I watch her cat), I have the radio set to the station she used to listen to. Two songs came one. The first was by a group Mother Mother and the second by a group called The Siblings. I take that as a sign from her (has happened once before and some other things as well for another post....these get so long as I keep wanting to add backstory :( )

I was thinking this morning Jackie about what you said about a promise you made to your son to bring him home. I know that my husband and I did everything we could to have K believe she could and would beat this. I believe we were doing all that we could at the time. We were giving them the only thing we could which was hope. We had no control over anything else. I know that when K passed I felt like the weight of a thousand bricks on my back. Perhaps that was the feeling of the loss of hope. I think now we have to kind of try and live in the hope that they are with us still (in another form) and in the hope that we will see them again when it is our time.

Sorry....it's another long post. I'd love to trade stories with everyone about their kids.

 

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Dearest Theresa, despite being an absolute sobbing mess and broken person at the moment.  I do with all my heart believe our children are with us and I believe our shared love with them binds us together through the veil of worlds.... I have had too many things happen with the birds, with different things around the house to believe my Garrett is not close by.  I know he is... I can feel hm.   I am not a religious person but a very spiritual one.   I believe this love cannot be explained away and I believe it is the fuel that drives everything, our souls and these lives.....Yesterday, I was beside myself walking to the car at break.... I asked Garrett, as selfish as it sounded and I knew he would not leave me to please talk to me somehow.... I no sooner whispered the words than a giant hawk landed not a foot above my head in the tree by my car.  We stared at one another for a couple of minutes and then it calmly took off.   Now I am five foot two, this was a huge hawk,  and it dwarfed this tiny tree.  That is my son speaking to me any way he can.... I can feel it.... as silly and maybe unbelievable as it may sound to others.   I have no doubt in my heart he is close... (try moving him if he does want to go..He if formidable when he chose).  That is the only belief that has kept me sane....

Love and hugs to all,

Jackie

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Such heartfelt conversations and so obviously beneficial to everyone.    Always sad to see new parents here because we all understand why we gather together.   

I was scrolling through instagram videos ,  one in particular blew me away  and I want to share with you all what it was about.

A family were filming their daughter - a young girl with Down’s syndrome- she was opening up her birthday presents and was all excited really diving into it when she abruptly froze for about a minute - then resumed her present opening saying ‘ sorry,  it was nana ‘  so matter of factly .    Her nana had died a few months before.   It was so convincing.   Made me feel very comforted.   Because she had Downs and had very limited verbal communication it just couldn’t have been faked- it was true . Beautiful.

love ,Roz

 

 

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Jackie, I saw a fab wildlife photo today of a kingfisher with a dragonfly perched on his head - thought of you , of course, and at the same time what you will be feeling like - utter despair is probably an understatement.  
Although it is agony for you reliving this time last year and all that was to happen - I hope you can be sure that Garrett isn’t going through it again - he is at peace .  He isn’t frightened or hurting.   
With each year since I lost David I have to remind myself of that and believe it. 
None of our children should have gone before us - it’s not right     You hold on , dear Jackie,  I know how you are feeling - I looked at the photograph of Garrett drawing - so calm and immersed in what he was doing - such a lovely moment to capture of your handsome much loved and missed son . 
Love, Roz x

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Hello Theresa,  my name is Roz and I lost my son, David, nearly six years ago.    I’m so very sorry for your pain and that Kaitlin went through so much. 
Like you , I read on here when it was Beyond Indigo and it took a while for me to speak up but it has helped me - particularly because I know for certain that everyone here does ‘get it ‘ and are not dismissing or judging our grief - or avoiding it’s reality as can be the case elsewhere.
 I can see that you already have a lot of things in common with others here - how closely lives can mirror each other even though we were once strangers .

Strength to you, Roz 

 

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Thank you my dearest Roz, i have been sinking into a tar pit of sorrow and despair... Remembering those horrible days and wishing I had seen and done more..... God I miss Garrett... I love that boy so much....  He has such a beautiful soul, a soul that dances to his own drumbeat and makes me laugh with genuine and utter love from the bottom of my broken soul.

 

I love the story of the little girl and her Nana.... It made me cry.......

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Hey everyone, losing my ground..... god I miss Garrett.... Not doing so great today   Poor Jolene keeps trying to soothe things and talk and I am just sad and snappy.... I don't mean to be to be snappish with anyone, but I don't even know what to say.....I'm miserable, lost in a tar pit of pain, I can't get out of.   I dream every night that I cannot find Garrett, I am in all kinds of places screaming his name... and I cannot find my boy.   I wake up and lay back down but it is a different place, same scenario.   How in the hell do we live this fucking life.  I hate everything about it.

Sorry for screaming here, I cannot even explain what I am feeling,

thinking of you all,

Jackiel

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Jackie

I'm so sorry for how you are feeling. I wish there was something that could be said or done to help.

Life for us is certainly changed. I no longer look forward to things that I might want to do in my life. Instead, I find my reason for moving on at the moment is my sons. They have been through something so horrific and I want to see them be able to move forward in their lives and find some happiness. My husband is like me at the moment and just existing...one day at a time.

As a stay at home mom since K was three, I had always said that my kids and their happiness was my legacy. I didn't need my name on a plaque somewhere or anything else. I feel that a huge part of my heart has been ripped out.

Ugh, I'm sorry. I want to help you and yet somehow instead I talk about hurt.

Tonight I'm at Ks house keeping her cat some company. Remember how I said she was also quirky. Her cat's full name is Sir Fitzroy Maplecourt, Knight (in absentia) of the realm of Goodcastle. Man I miss that girl!

Fitz.jpg

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Dearest Theresa, I always said my three children were the best thing i could every possibly do in my life.  They were my greatest accomplishment, these three beautiful babies.  With infertility problems, I did not think I could have any and then I had the girls and my husband and I decided we had tweaked enough with nature.... then 21/2 years later along came Garrett all on his own   I had so much trouble conceiving... one night I had a dream my nephew was playing with a little girl.... we had Jolene...two years later I dreamed Jolene was playing with a little girl....and we had Gily..... two years later at Christmas, I dreamed Jolene and Gily were playing with a little boy and I knew then we were going to have another child, our Garrett.  My husband traveled so much and I had three babies under five.  I was away from family but I didn't care I had these babies and they were my world are still my world,   A week before we lost Garrett, I was listening to the radio.  "Sally's Song" from a nightmare before Christmas came on, a line in the song says..."Tragedy is at hand."  I screamed and knocked the radio off the counter.    I knew then something terrible would happen, it hit me in the gut like a wrecking ball... I have heard that song hundreds of times before...... I was looking at my daughter... she had suffered a brutal assault that had torn up her insides, they still had not located all the bleeding and she was still bleeding entirely too much..... I was not looking at Garrett.  The doctors said he was fine....I had been in the ER and hospital with him ust days before because his resting heart rate was a little high......THEY SAID HE WAS FINE AFTER THREE DAYS AND MASSIVE TESTS!   THEY SAID HE WAS OKAY!

Tonight, I feel like I have nothing left..... I am not a person who asks for much, i Never wanted much.   i don't need jewelry or fancy cars and such, I just wanted my precious babies.   I stayed at home with my children as well.  We did without things living only on one income but we did okay and I will never regret that time.... I loved being with my children.  I do not know how to survive this.... I do not know how I made it through this year.   I love and miss my Garrett.

Jackie

 

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Jackie

I too had three kids under five. It could be a pretty chaotic time but I loved it. I would often just sit and laugh as they ran around like a whirlwind.

It was hard when K decided to go off to university 7 hours away but we were in constant contact and she came home as often as she could. It always felt like the house wasn't quite right until all three of them were there. Although she was able to get her own house about a year after finishing school, she lived about 5/10 mins away and she still came home to eat with us many days. She and I messaged everyday about everything.

My husband and I are real homebodies. Our kids never had a babysitter and we did everything as a family. Of course now that means there is no where that we can go which doesn't remind us that she isn't with us.

I know thinking back to those days in hospital can be infuriating. As I mentioned before K waited 5.5 hrs in the ER which having a heart attack without being seen. After her operation at one point they told her she would be going home in two weeks (first stay was five months). In the ICU she was told by the Heart Transplant team that she didn't need one as she was responding to med and then less than a week later that she did need one. There were many other mistakes both medically (accidental extubation etc) and in communication. I HATE covid. We could not be there to advocate for her when she was unable to communicate due to stroke or trach. We got as much visitation as we could by getting psych involved but we had to fight tooth and nail with some nurses who did not want us there. It hurts so much to think about her there for that long on her own.

I try my best not to think too much about those times as it really pulls me down. It consumed our lives for so many months that it takes effort to try and think of the happier times or the small happy times that we had despite it all. For instance, in the hospital K communicated with us through fb. We got a message one time saying "help". Of course I started to panic as we tried to contact her. After a little bit she writes back and says "need bagel".

I hope that you can maybe find a few of the happier moments to help pull you through this really horrible time.

Theresa

 

 

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Thank you Theresa,

Garrett loved corny jokes and horror movies and drawing and rap music.... He used to come into the extra room where I sew and he'd always say.... "Hey Mum, can I borrow you for a moment."  I'd say yes and he'd explain the history behind this one rap song and the meaning.  The the details of some event in history... show me one of his drawings or ask if I wanted to go get a coke from Turkey Hill...  Joe and I are both home bodies as well and what we did do we too did with our kids.... So many things now I cannot even think of doing because Garrett wont be there.   I just don't know how to live this life.

Tomorrow evening is the day I rushed him to the hospital....  it was the next morning on the 30th I lost him.   I turned 60 the same day.   I told Joe I would never celebrate that day again....

Jackie

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Jackie, keep on writing as much as you can throughout the next few days - it will ease the internalising.      
Although you are consumed with grief I can hear that you recognise that Jolene is trying to help and you are snappy with her because you are fraught - this in turn will cause you hurt because you love her and don’t want to add to her distress.  
 In the early years after losing David my instinct was wanting to be away somewhere alone - able to grieve without having to make any effort for anyone else.   I imagined being in an isolated part of Wales in a tiny, basic caravan with a store an hour’s walk away - not having to care about anything except David .    I had a job as wife, mum and grandma to do though so I couldn’t run and hide but the strain of keeping afloat for everyone else can be exhausting.    ( I actually live in a quiet place by the sea so I think that my fantasy was about being untouchable for a while, no responsibility or expectations or interruptions).
The fact is that you have kept going throughout this year , Jackie, not only that but you changed your employment and continue with that too.   It’s far more than I could do I tell you.   You have struggled awfully with your siblings’  lack of understanding - that didn’t help matters.     Biggest of all you have been there throughout  your daughter’s health battles all whilst carrying your searing pain of longing for Garrett.  
 The strongest person would be on their knees as you soldier on as best you can .  We are all with you through these difficult days.
  Love Roz x

 

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Theresa,  loving Sir Fitzroy- he is a beauty.   I did animal rescue when I lived in Singapore and Hong Kong and coming up with names for them all was quite a task - Sir Fitzroy’s would have had enough to go round for five of them !!         K sounds like such a character- I love her sense of humour - the call for bagel help is such a fun moment amongst her medical struggles.       Remembering  the good times is important- I still find that hard to do but I’ll keep trying.

   Love Roz x 

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Thank You Roz,.... I am so screwed up.  last year I took Garrett to the hospital on Sunday... tomorrow is the evening i took him and Tuesday morning the hellish day I lost him.   I have been trying to put myself at the beach in the fall, picking up seashells (It is something I love to do... that is the reason I go to the beach, that and to look at the sheer magnificence of the ocean?  The ocean is turbulent and rough.  it is my life and the beach is me trying to find some way to walk with it   It sounds stupid but it helps as much as anything else.... nothing is helping this weekend, I just keep seeing my Garrett.  the birds have been very plentiful and I hear the hawk, I have not seen him for a couple of days....The birds help......

Theresa Sir Fitzroy is beautiful...

Jackie

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I am hoping that someday, sometime,somehow Garrett might be able to join me and the two of ouI can meet on the beach and pick up those shells together.  I talk to him all the time.... I know it sounds crazy, one of the reasons I hesitated to write it but well there it is....stupid as it is...

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Michael Rodriguez

hi jackie, i talk to B all the time , i also write to him. i started writing on may 11 last year and i have written , i guess close to 20 pages since then. never showed it to anybody and i dont do it everyday just when i need too i know that it is for me , that is ridiculous but i keep on doing it , it helps me. i share with him whatever is going on at home, with our love for jeeps and for the falcons. i tell him about upgrades ive done with the cars , repairs i have done on his (i will never touch his) just repairs....i bitch at him for things he should have fixed.

i tell him about work , how the part of the business he was responsible for is doing, how his customers are doing .....and i do it because i miss him as much as you miss garrett. we all know how tough teusday will be for you , but we are here for you,......scream, yell , cuss at all of us .....that is what we are here for......to listen and to help each other.

i remember when april 14 came along , was rough , but it really was not any different from april 13 or april 15 or any other day!!!

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Thank You Michael, I know that we all love and miss our children so much....thanks for the support, I couldn't make this without all of you.  I changed the area for his birds a little this morning made it wider and more open... I have the distinct impression he liked it.  could feel him with me....

Love and hugs,

Jackie

 

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Jackie I'm so glad that you can feel Garrett with you. Hopefully his presence will help you through these horrible days. Talking to him is not crazy. I too talk to K and I have a journal where I write to her when I am feeling the need. I spoke to her every day for years so I just continue to do so. Your beach walk sounds beautiful.

Roz Wales also sounds like a nice place to be. My inlaws immigrated to Canada from Wales so it holds a special place for my family. K even spent a bit of time learning Welsh (not an easy one :) ) Luckily we were able to get all of us there a number of years ago. K would have loved to go back.

Theresa

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Jackie: Knowing how hard August 30th will be for you, we will be here thinking of you and sending our love. I talk to Diana every day and write to her, telling her how much I love her and miss her. It's been a little more than 4 months since I lost her. Like you, I also don't know how I will survive. It's brutal, unrelenting pain and sorrow. Garrett is with you always, he knows how much you love him. Sadly, all of us here have the loss of a child in common and we can understand the hurt and anguish the others feel. I keep telling myself that Diana is now at peace, no further pain or suffering. Garrett is at peace as well.

Hugs,

Yvonne

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Jackie,

I know your Garrett's  Angel day is  coming up..I will be saying a prayer  for you and thinking of you. Iwould like to ralk to you on the phone when your ready let me know and i will send you my email and phone number

Huggs

Mom of Christina and Dasha

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Judith and Jackie - please be careful giving out personal details on our chat - this is a public forum and anyone  can read here .   Not everyone has best intentions , unfortunately.    The little envelope icon at the top right of the page may be more private but I’ve never used it although I have had messages left there for me .     Once there, perhaps  you could create an email expressly to make contact through and then exchange phone numbers safely.     
I don’t want anyone taking advantage and upsetting you needlessly.     love, Roz
 

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Morning everyone. thank  you all for standing with me.  I have spent the weekend opening up and clearning out the brush next to my tree for the birds.  and then I sat for quite a bit.  I moved my bench a little closer and have found the birds seem to be okay with it, especially the nuthatches and the catbirds.  I have had such and influx of all kinds, cardinals, chickadees, bluejays, waxwings, brown thrashers, bluejays, sparrows, finches and of course several varieties of woodpeckers.  My favorite right now is the juvenile red bellied woodpecker.   If the catbirds (they have settled down and I am enjoying them) or any of the other bigger birds get in his way, he stands his ground and one peck of that peak and they move aside.  I have even found my goundhog's burrow where he comes to join the feeding frenzy.

In truth I am spending time where I feel Garrett the most... We talk and enjoy at the birds.  Every now and then and unexpected breeze rolled over me after an emotional moment and I swear it feels like a hug.....I miss my Garrett,  I love him more than words could ever convey.

love to all of you and thank you so much for the support.

Jackie

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Good morning Jackie! Please know I’ll be thinking of you and Garrett today and tomorrow.
My world is consumed with birds as well - I even have a tattoo of 2 red-tail hawk feathers on my arm. 
And although I came here because of losing my son Dustin a few months ago, I also lost my husband of 35 years (Dustin’s Dad) 10 years ago in a car accident. A few years ago I started seeing a woodpecker in my Joshua tree (I live in the High Desert area of Southern California). Had never seen one in this area before so I naturally associated its presence with my husband. You see his name was/is Woody!!! Haha! He used to get teased a lot by other kids with that crazy cartoon laugh so he wasn’t a big fan but when I heard the pecking going on and found the woodpecker, I could only laugh and felt my husband’s presence near. 
As hard as it seems my sister in grief, you are going to survive this. I will even go so far as to say that maybe, someday, you will be able to celebrate both yours and Garrett’s life on the same day.
He must’ve loved you so very much to have left this earthly plane on your birthday. He is saying he will always be next to you, even in spirit. I know that may sound crazy to you right now, and I apologize if you’re not ready to hear it, but I can somehow feel Garrett wanted you to hear this and he just desperately wants you to find some joy in life again. Which you are already doing when spending time in the yard with the birds!!! Sending you much love my dear Jackie 💜

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My Dearest Angie, That is something my Garrett would have done....You have no need to apologize, that is exactly the words I needed to hear.   When Garrett felt strongly about something, what was right or wrong, what needed to be done, he was an unstoppable force.  I do believe he is still with us...the night I was drawn to the red tailed hawk in the woods, i had to go..  I love the story about your husband Woody.  I do think our loved ones speak with us... it is different and new and I believe they are close...I love my Garrett and miss him more than words can ever convey.  Thank you my dearest Angie... Garrett was chasing his dog, Petes around with a pipe cleaner and back scratcher.... you would have thought it was a dinosaur the way that dog carried on....I miss those times.

love and hugs,

Jackie

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Reading your message brought tears to my eyes and goosebumps to my entire body. He is near you always Jackie. 🙏🏼💜

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Jackie your tree spot looks beautiful and tranquil. I'm glad that Garrett is there helping you through this difficult time.

Thinking of you

Theresa

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Thank you Theresa, I am really starting to break down.   too many memories tonight....

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Mason’s Mom

Jackie,  the next few days are going to be difficult but you will pull through  How is Jolene?

Like many of you I have 3 children,  Mason my middle child and only boy. We have always been very  close.  We had so many traditions and family outings.  So many I want to change or skip but my girls need as much normalcy as I can provide and they feel the need to continue so we do.

As September approaches my heart aches,  Mason's Birthday is the  29th. 

Peace and comfort, 

Carol

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Dear Jackie,  I hope that you can catch your breath.   It’s screamingly painful for you and we all  understand how much you are hurting.   .  Thinking of you , 

Roz x

 

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Dearest Carol and Roz, thank you,

I am hanging in there... I spent most of the day sitting with the birds and crying more toward evening.  I am in the time frame that all happened.   I stayed outside until the bats came out and watched them for a while.  I am trying to sew but I have cried a lot tonight.  I know you all understand....and That helps even though I am sorry that you understand this pain.  I wish none of us did.  Garrett is my youngest.. the girls are 21/2 and 5 years older.   God, I miss my boy... we always talked about everything.  I can feel vividly how it felt to grab him around the chest and hug. He'd hug me back then pat my shoulders.   My arms feel so empty, my heart so broken.my soul decimated...

love and hugs to all,

Jackie

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I am a damned mess tonight.  Jolene is slowly getting better.... It is a very long process but I am happy with what ground she has gained.  We have a great team of doctors helping her (Given my experience with doctors, that is a lot for me to say).  and since the attack and her following addiction issues.... She is now 8 months sober.... I am so damned proud of her, she has also gained some weight which is exciting....Thank you Carol for asking... How are your girls and your husband?  

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I dong know if its ok for me to post about my husband, but the Loss of Partner page is not as helpful as this page. They are all scattered and all over the place. 

I am struggling, a lot. This time last year was the last time Christopher was under the same roof as me and kyle. I did not know I would never get to kiss him good night, snuggle with our son in the middle like a sandwich, fuss at him about dirty dishes or how much the bones for the dog cost, or the money he spent on a scratched. Now I stretch out my arm for him and i touch his urn. 

Our house is too quiet, MY family of 4 is now 2. 

I know from the loss of Nique that eventually I will find my feet again, but right now I feel like I am sinking. 

I know its not the same Jackie but I an just as lost all over again, looking for the rest of my family anywhere I can find them, to feel whole again.

Thanks for listening

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Hi Carol,  How is everyone at home now?  
 
Virginia,

 it’s so hard and unfair.    Christopher is part of our family here - of course we expect you to speak about that loss - we hoped and waited for him to recover and felt the sadness of his passing .      Some of the girls here who have lost their child as well as their husband will be able to share their experiences - which will be more insightful than anything I can say.   Roz x

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My dearest Virginia,, There is no wrong time to speak of your loss.... as far as I can see  the pain and loss you are suffering is just as devastating as the misery I am suffering on this horrific day.   You and I are feeling and thinking the same thing.  This time last year was the last time I touched my Garrett's face, or hugged him close or heard him speak and laugh..... That pain sounds no different from your own.   It is devastating, soul wrenching and it eats you alive... I feel like I have sunk into an agonizing tar pit that just  keeps sucking me deeper and deeper. and all I want is for Garrett to walk through the door and call  "Hey, Mom."  

My broken heart goes out to you and Kyle   You told me quite a while ago to keep talking and you would listen.... I repeat once again those words back to you... Keep talking Virginia, I will listen and so will everyone else on this site.  There is no need for you to change sites to talk of your pain in losing Christopher....We were with you as the two of you fought for him to make it home... we will walk with you throught this horrific time.    Love and hugs to both you and Kyle...

Jackie

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Michael Rodriguez

been thinking about you, i know it is rough and tough , but it will not be any worse than yesterday ......is just another 24 hours. 

we are here for you

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Michael Rodriguez

virginia , i am lost on words ,,,,but of course you can talk about christopher !!!!! i even got so cocky as to call him chris ! 

i guess it has been a year since the covid ordeal for him started , and most of us were here all along. regretfully more have joined .....we went thru all his ups and downs , all the times of encouragement and all the days that were not so good. we all felt for you and kyle , and i remember once suggesting you take kyle for an ice cream .....so , of course you can talk about him and how much it hurts missing him as much as you wish ....same as i do , same as all of us do when me lose a love one and the misery that comes with it.

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Hi Jackie - we all have different opinions about just about everything so if I can offer my 2 cents, is just to know it’s okay to acknowledge that some days ARE actually going to be harder than others. After I lost my husband, one of my most painful days was 10 months later, on MY birthday, when I realized I was turning 55 and it would be the first time since I was 18 years old that I wasn’t going to be receiving a card or flowers from Woody. He used to write the most thoughtful and heartfelt messages to me and that realization made for a very difficult day. I wound up calling in sick and drove down to the beach by myself  for some precious solitude time. By the time I left my spirits had been lifted, my soul had been soothed. Thinking of you today and hoping you can find a moment of peace. Much love 🙏🏼❤️ Angie 

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Hey everyone,

I have been struggling all day with this new emotion.... dont know if any of you have had it but could use a little input....  Sorry crying again.

This whole year I kept thinking, last year, Garrett and I were doing this... Garrett and I were doing that...

Now... there is no Garrett and I last year, he wasn't here, there was nothing but ugliness and pain...  I don't know how to process that horrific realization... I have just been crying for hours....

Jackie

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Jackie, it is the realization there will never be another "you and garrett" moment. I found the second year was harder than the first because the shock wears off and you are raw all over again.  But you will make new memories in the new way he communicates with u. 

It is a realization that time has kept moving even though it feels like our life stopped when they died.

I think its similar to how time can feel short and long at the same time and that can make you said.

For me, the lead up to the day has always been worse than the actual day. I have not really found a way to honor or celebrate that day (its right before christmas) so I usually just try to not be at home. Try to do something fun to distract me.

Keep breathing, keep talking

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Hi Jackie - I’ve been struggling to give you anything helpful in response to your question because my experience has been so different and probably because I’m only 3.5 months in. Literally every time I break down since early on, I can physically/spiritually/emotionally see Dustin begging me to stop crying as he says ‘No Mommas please don’t cry! I’m fine!’ I actually wish I could cry MORE!! But it’s like he’s not letting me! Visualizing him brings me to an instant state of calmness that isn’t necessarily making sense but it is protecting me right now so I’m flowing with it. 
I wish we all could have more answers, more understanding of the why behind our losses but we’re forced to just take one day at a time. Sending you much love - wish I could be more helpful.
💜💜

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My dearest Virginia and Angie,

  Thank you for understanding what I was trying to say....The realization hit me this afternoon, Garrett was not here at this time last year.  I set outside with the birds for a long time and cardinal after cardinal came in right beside the multitude of woodpeckers.  I have no doubt that was my Garrett letting me know he was close. As  I was sitting with the birds for the many hours talking to Garrett there came a moment, I would swear I heard him.... "Don't cry Mom, I love you too and I"m not going anywhere.   Its you and me, Mom, two together."  The last was something he used to say to me as a little boy after both girls started school.  I sat still for a moment and cried all the harder but for that too short moment, I could feel my boy.   ... I do believe with all my heart that our loved ones are with us..... I cried and talked.  I was calmer when I came in but it is a somber, sad realization.  

Virginia, Thank you for listening... How are you holding up?  Kyle?    Please allow us to continue to walk with you and hold your hand for both Nique and Christopher....

Angie, keep talking and thank you.

Love and hugs,

Thank you everyone for your support and care and friendship on the horrible day.

Jackie

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The bad dreams have returned. I dreamt last night that I had to get my will straightened out because I was going to die. Then I had a dream Christopher was back and we went to a restaurant and I was happy but then his sister that I do not like showed up. So angry in my dream, how dare she interrupt my time with him.

I am doing the "this time last year", remembering. Its different with Christopher since it was drawn out. With Nique she was just gone, so even though I have experienced loss this is different and I feel lost all over again. 

1 year ago today I took Christopher to the dr. I just dropped him off, dont think I even gave him a hug because I thought i would be picking him back up in a couple hours. No idea how our life was going to change.

I am trying to remember that even though I feel like this now it wont last forever. Trying to be as present as I can for kyle.

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Dearest Virginia,

I do think your dreams are normal given the loss in your life.  I did the "this time last year" the entire time, it was a strange comfort for me, I never thought about the time there would not be "this time last year".  It really knocked me inconsolably off my feet yesterday.    You are walking fresh steps on a hellish road you have already placed weary and sad footprints on.... I am here for you, holding your hand and Kyle's.  I wish I had words that could ease your pain,and feeling alien in your own life.   Just know I am with you, you are not alone.

Love and Hugs,

Jackie

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Virginia - I understand the this time last year you speak of as K was in the hospital dealing with respirators etc for months. My this time last year she was in the ICU,

Dustin's mom - I too have the thoughts of K saying " Oh Mommy" telling me not to cry. Every dream I have had with her in it so far has been her calming me down about something I'm worried about or her literally telling me not to cry. I still do unfortunately as I can't help it.

Jackie - I'm glad Garrett helps you through the hard days.

Theresa

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Hello to everyone,

It has been quiet.  I hope everyone is okay.  I am about the same, so sad and so damned tired.  I miss my Garrett.  I apologize to all, because I know that you miss your children too.  It is still an abominable walk in hell each and every day....

Jackie

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Yes Jackie it is! Days just kind of pass by at the moment. This weekend we are scheduled to go to the theatre to see Anastassia the musical. We bought a batch of tickets when K was sick in order to show her that we believed she would get better providing her with hope for the future. Now we ask friends of our boys to fill the seat :(

I think in someways I am still in denial/disbelief of everything and then it hits me again. I feel so sad for all the tests, pain, doubt that she went through.

I do have a question which I have typed up before and then erased. I don't want to offend anyone or cause some unwelcome discussion. I know that not everyone here has the same beliefs and I respect that. My question is for those who pray. In discussions with my son, he brought up some interesting thoughts which have swirled around in my mind. I prayed harder than I ever had before while K was ill. In the end, she passed on regardless. My son suggests that either God is completely hands off here on earth and things play out the way he has planned or on the other extreme there is no God. I think essentially it comes down to if all is fate then what is the point of praying and asking for a different outcome. I am reluctant to ask this since I really don't want to offend. I'm not looking for bible verses or preaching. I guess I'm just asking if you as grieving parents have been able to reconcile the fact that prayers weren't answered.

Theresa

Still hesitating on hitting the submit replay button but.....here goes....

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I have been thinking about doing this for a while. I love talking/bragging about K...who she is and her accomplishments so here it goes.

Things she loves:

family, animals, Fitz (her cat), dungeon and dragons, musical theatre, dance (especially tap), friends, physics, autumn drives to look at the trees, reading books, making lists, Disney, travel, baking and bakeries

Accomplishments:

Was a lifeguard, Danced from 3 years old until just before covid. Acted and sang on stage numerous times. Choreographed others onstage.

Physics Degree (started out in Animal Biology to be a vet and transferred after the first year)

Things I found on her list of goals: great job as computer programmer, buying her own house at 23, owning a car and a cat.

I would call her a quirky personality. I would tease her often as although she danced for so many years she could still have her clumsy moments for instance sliding down a snow covered hill with a bag of groceries. She is outgoing and would do anything for her friends.

I love her and miss her so much.

So bring it on! I want to hear all about your kids. They are so very special to you and I'd love to meet  them!

 

Kgriff2.jpg

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Mason’s Mom
1 hour ago, KsMom said:

Yes Jackie it is! Days just kind of pass by at the moment. This weekend we are scheduled to go to the theatre to see Anastassia the musical. We bought a batch of tickets when K was sick in order to show her that we believed she would get better providing her with hope for the future. Now we ask friends of our boys to fill the seat :(

I think in someways I am still in denial/disbelief of everything and then it hits me again. I feel so sad for all the tests, pain, doubt that she went through.

I do have a question which I have typed up before and then erased. I don't want to offend anyone or cause some unwelcome discussion. I know that not everyone here has the same beliefs and I respect that. My question is for those who pray. In discussions with my son, he brought up some interesting thoughts which have swirled around in my mind. I prayed harder than I ever had before while K was ill. In the end, she passed on regardless. My son suggests that either God is completely hands off here on earth and things play out the way he has planned or on the other extreme there is no God. I think essentially it comes down to if all is fate then what is the point of praying and asking for a different outcome. I am reluctant to ask this since I really don't want to offend. I'm not looking for bible verses or preaching. I guess I'm just asking if you as grieving parents have been able to reconcile the fact that prayers weren't answered.

Theresa

Still hesitating on hitting the submit replay button but.....here goes....

Theresa,  I understand an I don't think anyone will be offended.  I struggled with prayer after losing Mason.  I had prayed for my children their entire lives.  The minute we got the phone call that Mason was unresponsive I pleaded with God to breathe life back into my boy.  Like you my prayers were not answered in the way I wanted.  I remember asking my family (my husband, my girls and my son-in-law) to gather and we prayed before attending Mason's visitation. After that it was a few months before I could pray again.  I was scared, if God hadn't answered my prayer for Mason why would he answer or even listen to me. I did a great deal of soul searching and I believe I received signs from Mason and God that lead me back to prayer. I don't know if have read some of our previous posts if not I will share the one thing that really made me know I was being heard.  The months after his death were very difficult as we got a call from the State Medical Examiners office telling us the cause of Mason's death and advising us to have his siblings checked for the same condition.  We learned the most common symptom is sudden death, of course this was very difficult to hear and we immediately started getting the girls tested.  It took time to get both of them through a full cardiac workup.  I don't really know how I was able to keep going.  By March we had both girls results and there was no sign of a heart defect.  I just had a few weeks to relax.  In April my daughter Maddie broke her hand playing softball, we rushed her to the ER and she had an appointment with the surgeon the following week on Wednesday.  The next Sunday after her accident my husband was hurting and up walking the flojr, he was complaining of pain on the left side just under his heart.  This was terrifying for all us especially Maddie as she was only 17 and terrified of losing her dad too.  So we convinced him to go to the ER - after a night in the ER they found he had gallstones and sent him home with an appointment to see a surgeon on the same day as Maddie's appointment, just a few hours apart.  That night might oldest daughter Morgan called to tell me she was in a great deal of pain,  She had gastric bypass a few years back and she doesn't see most doctors in our area.  She called her Dr that is 2 hours away and they told her to come in the next morning.  So in our household I was the only one that didn't have a DR appointment on that day.  I asked my husband to take Maddie since their appointments were near by and close in time.  My mom drove Morgan to her appointment, she had to have emergency surgery that day for her gallbladder.  I couldn't get to her before her surgery so I was a wreck.  Tim got his gallbladder surgery scheduled for the following week and Maddie had to wear a soft-cast for several weeks. That evening i sat on my porch swing and cried out to God, I said I can't take anymore.  I am not superwoman.  As I sat there crying I heard a whipper-will call from the south, then another from the west and final whipper-will calling from the east.  All three calling out.  This might not mean much to others but when Mason was a child he always said what he heard them say was "skip the buttercup" we teased him all the time.  So in my heart I know the 3 birds were a sign for me your 3 loved ones are going  to be okay. 

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