Loss of an Adult Child

October 30, 2007

I have to send love and hugs to each one of you. I lost my 25 year old son, Nick in a motorcycle accident 42 days ago. Seems like yesterday. My heart aches in ways that no one could ever imagine unless they have experienced it. The heavy chest and the lump in my throat is forever present. I have a difficult time being around my grandchildren, Hanna 6 and Aiden 1, they bring back the memories so vividly that I just can't take the pain. I don't want to upset them by seeing me cry. Aiden looks just like his dad. There are times when I don't think I can handle it, I'll pull out his after shave or smell his clothes just to get closer. I try to see friends but it's very awkward, they have a difficult time just not knowing what to say to me. I suppose I don't make it any easier as it seems all I talk about is Nick. I can't go back to work right now, so I try to keep busy around the house yet I find myself sitting in his room thinking, looking at pictures and hurting. It seems hurtful to say, yet I feel comfort in all of your words as it makes me know that the things I'm doing and feeling are normal and I'm not going insane. Thank you for sharing.

October 31, 2007

Mamabets: My heart is with you today as you remember the birthdays past, and the birthdays you and Danny will still share, in your heart and soul as the days move forward and your 'new' life here unfolds.

To all of you who have found your way to our little 'club' my heart breaks to hear of your recent losses and I absorb your words and thoughts, remembering how raw it all was for me this time last year. My daughter, Pippa aged 29, and grandson, Kieran (4 1/2) died in a road accident in South Africa on October 22, 2006. Our website is www.pippaandkieran.com, if you would like to visit them. I have been recovering from my first Angel Date and starting to focus on this whole new phase of my 'recovery'. The pain is quite intense still, but I am starting to feel that I can step back and make choices that I couldn't a year ago. The choices I made in the early days were ones that helped me 'survive' and get from one moment to the next, one day to the next. I miss them so terribly, but I'm learning and feeling that as time moves on, they become ever closer to me...forever my guardian angels.

Love Peace and Patience to you ALL!

Debbie I

October 31, 2007

Analisa Momgran Mammabets Forever Joeys Mom, some of the names that have grounded me in these past 10 months since Micheal died. Each time I visit, someone shares their pain and memories, questions with no answers. Analisa, I had a message from Micheal on the day before he died. He was up and happy. He was on his way somewhere and would catch up the next day. I got the message when I got home from work. It was 7pm and I was tired from a 12hr shift. I thought I would call him in the morning from work. I never got the chance. The next call from his address was for an ambulance. He died that day. I had his voice on my machine, but the phone company couldn't help me keep it. My wish list begins with, I wish I had called him back that night.

I have visted many of your websites and am amazed at the lives lost and the strength of those still grieving.

Thank you for all being part of the unoffical and most defintely needed Club of those who Graduated to Angel status well before their time.

Peace and strength to you all.

Trudi

October 31, 2007

Nikki1, you definitely are not going insane! We're all too familiar with the heavy chest and lump in the throat, the desire and great need to talk about our child, and the loneliness that we feel when others in our social groups don't know how to deal with us. You do NOT have to work at making your grief easy for someone else to bear. Having friends is important, but true friends will listen, be there, not say stupid things to get past the uncomfrtable moment. Other friends are still friends, they're just not sure what to do, and sometimes we just need to guide them a little by just saying simply "I have to go through this grieving to get to the other side of life". They may shy away, but I have found that in time they come back if they are true friends. As we heal, so do our relationships with others. Mourning and grieving is hard enough work for us to do in our own journey. And while we can share openly with other grieving parents without having to be on guard, it isn't so easy for others who cannot understand our loss and pain. I have found that my energy and focus is needed for my journey, and what others learn through my journey by not being overly sensiive to their discomfort ends up being a blessing to many of them. My advice is to be what you need to be, sharing about Nick, expressing grief through ters, and so on, and not worry do much about helping others through your grief. They'll learn a lot more if you aren't trying to "control" your grief for their sake. The world is becoming more and more desensitized to loss and grieving, and my concern is that we enable that more when we force our grief to be stuffed away to comfort society. That's a lot more pressure on us, and that makes for a more difficult journey, In my opinion. Keep coming here and sharing about Nick. We all know and understand that need. His photo is beautiful. What a handsome young man. Sending you BIG HUGS, Claudia

October 31, 2007

Betsy--I'm thinking of you today as you celebrate and long during Danny's Birth Day. BIG HUGS, Claudia

October 31, 2007

Trudi, Your post font was really hard to read.... :shock: Thanks also to you for what you've shared along your journey. I think all of us here have found comfort and a connection in each others journey and stories that has made the journey a little more bearable for each of us. That in itself is preiceless. I can't imagine having to do this without all of you. HUGS and LOVE, Claudia

October 31, 2007

Nikki1, wow we have both lost our beautiful sons in motorcycle accidents...My son, Nick, died on Sept. 28, 2007. He was 21 yrs. old. I miss him so much and still cannot believe he is gone...it has only been 33 days and the pain is so raw. I cannot bring myself to talk to my remaining children about their brother. My Nick, was my oldest child and only son...he had no children and I just wonder what could have been. He was such a wonderful young man...he did live a fast life and wanted to tempt fate at times( once, a couple of weeks before he died, he told his Dad "Dad I have so much luck I could give it away and I'd still be OK"), but he was coming around and was starting to plan for his future...I hate the fact that I will never know what would of/could of happened if I would have called him that evening...I just miss him. I loved him so much...now I will always wonder what could have been

October 31, 2007

Hello to all - I believe we all question what could have been, what should have been and how much we all want that one moment back where we can do or say the thing that now causes us so much pain to think about. So many "ifs" that are never answered and so many tears cried over "lost" moments. I try now to think of all the wonderful moments that I had with Jessica and how blessed I am to have had 26 beautiful years with her, to see her beautiful son born and to see her grow into a beautiful, powerful woman. I still have my moments though when I say "i will never see that" - We went to my nephew's wedding whom my Jessica was very close to and as I watched his wife to be come down the isle I cried so hard realizing I will never see my Jess do that. Then the father-daughter dance to "I loved her first" tore my and my husbands heart to pieces (well what it is left of our hearts). I had to fight to keep from running out the door. So many steps we take in this greiving "process" and finding this site has truely helped me to see things differently - so many people out there doing the same thing as I. I remember before I lost Jess I used to read about a death of a young person and would think how sad and move on to the next thing - now everytime I read or hear I want to call the person and say I know how you feel. So much to say. Hugs and Prayers.

October 31, 2007

Claudia - Thanks, hope this is better. :cool: I think you are right, the world is desenitised through an number of ways about death and grief. We see grabs in the media of death, devestation then the story moves to another subject. There is little ongoing about the continuation of the process of grieving and the actual time in which it is lived out.

I thought I was getting a little easier with Micheals death until last night. My husband was called out last night and I was listening to the dispatcher given details to him over the radio. "31yom Suspected Cardiac Arrest" The location just up from where Micheal lived. The room began to spin as I watched him leave. I heard his sirens and was overwhelmed by a wave of nausea. It was like I was watching him go to Micheal that day in January. The intensity of the feelings were so raw. This young man died too. When Mal returned he sat and watched television. He talked about how the young man had cardiomyopathy and was not a candidate for transplant. He spoke of the parents distress. Their son died in their backyard.

He went off to bed. I was still sitting at midnight, frozen in the memories of January and thoughts of the parents at home waiting for Coroners, Police and beginning their own journey of grief. Even this morning I am still struggling as if it is day one.

The I'll nevers, whys, wherefores and what ifs are always going to be part of my life. Maybe this is part of the acceptance phase of grieving.

My psychologist says acceptance will eventually come and the pain of grieving may lessen. He is an intelligent man who lets me know that this is not a one size fits all process and time is irrelevant.

The year of firsts almost completed ....Yesterday I was emailing family with possible options to catch up over Christmas. One came back, Unknown email address....it was to Micheal. Habit I guess. But with that a positive. As a family we all came together last Christmas. It was an amazing time, Micheal, Ben his cousin and Anthony my step son all bought guitars. After eating to the limit, they all sat in the family room under the tree 'jamming'. Granbabies danced and I was amazed at yet another side of Micheal I had know of but never really saw. He was the 'old man' of the guitarists. Ben 16 Anthony 17 looking at the 'Master" and playing with such passion.

He was in his element.

The grieving isn't easier, time and distance may make its intensity lessen but the abyss of loss is never ending.

Thoughts with those in their first year and those in whose life feel as if they have never left it.

Blessed be

Trudi

October 31, 2007

Trudi, I'm so sorry the events of last night flashed you back so hard into your own tragedy with Michael. I loved the "Christmas Jam" story. Maybe we can all lift one another up through the coming holidays by sharing moments of Christmases and memories past with our beloved children gone too soon--memories that made us laugh and smile. And while it will be bittersweet recollection, we can know that by sharing and caring together, we will make it through. Blessings and Hugs, Claudia

November 1, 2007

Thanks and love to all of you for celebrating Danny's birthday with us yesterday. It was a magnificent mix of happy, sad, and happy tears. I love you all and will forever be grateful to all of you.

LOVE,

mamabets

November 1, 2007

Hello Everyone.....thank you so much for the sharing that is done on this website. Your words of encouragement and support mean so much. Today is the one month anniversary (and Monday was four weeks........not sure which is harder) and it seems like just yesterday I got the phone call. I went to the hospital yesterday for tests and I found myself almost in a panic attack. We spent so much time at the hospital with my son David the last six weeks of his life. I started back to work right away as I live alone and could not see just sitting there alone each day but I find I am not very productive at work and I second guess my choice to return so soon. I cry alot while at work and for the most part the people are great but sometimes I feel like the freak that people avoid. I don't know..............I just know that when it hurts it feels like it will never lighten up or diminish in intensity. I saw a little child today and pictured my David when he was young and so full of life, wanting only to please those around him I don't know.......I feel numb right now and that scares me more than when I feel the pain. He was my little boy and now he is gone. I am taking his boys to the movies on Saturday and the oldest is going to see his aunt graduate from boot camp next week so I am trying hard to be a good grandma, even though it shakes me to the soul sometimes to see thier pain and thier lost little expressions. Each boy has taken it so differently. I try to be big and brave for them but also think they need to know how much I miss thier father and how painful this is and that it is alright to hurt even if daddy has gone to a better place. Reading this website often gives me strength to carry on and also it gives me strength to stay stuck for a day or two and get the pain out.

Thank you all for being here. My heart goes out to each of you as you share your stories and embrace all of us in our pain. How courageous you all are. Getting the nerve to put my words on here take some mustering of my spirit. If I write about it then it is real..............he really isn't coming back, is he? I keep picturing him in the hospital, gone and peaceful and I read here about other's much more tramatic experience when learning of thier great loss and I am so blessed. It is just hard to feel blessed sometims.

Thanks for letting me ramble...............I don't know you but you each mean the world to me.

Sherri

November 1, 2007

Sheri - But you do know each and everyone of those here. Though we are all individuals geographically miles apart we all share a life that has so many similarities. We have all lost a child. I read your post and thought how much that is me. I went back to work 4 weeks after Micheal died. I had laid him to rest, comforted my remaining children and 'pulled it together' so I could work through my grief and loss literally. It was too soon. I second guessed each decision, not good for an Ambulance Dispatcher! I felt like a freak with many people unsure or unwilling to approach me let alone speak to me. One thing I have since realised, at work nothing had changed for everyone else. My life was being turned upside down and plummeting in a downward spiral, but everywhere else, same old same old.

Being busy with the Grandkids would be another option to pass the time waiting for my normal life to come back. Again I was wrong. My 8yr old granddaughter Emily saw right through me. Just sitting, looking at me, holding my hand and just being there. Zak 5 was more practical with questions about Micheal confirming I knew he was dead and how it made him sad he wouldn't be able to see him again. How could I tell a 5 yr old I knew when my heart was ripping apart. Best I could do was 'me too mate, me too. Caleb is just 4 a stunning carrot top. He looks deep into my eyes and without words he comes to me for 'huggies'.

I know what you meant when you see a child and your mind takes you back to when your son was just a boy. I see so much of Micheal as a boy in Zak and Caleb. The sensitivity of Emily is purely Micheal in his adolescent growing years.

10 months on I seem to have a hole in the gloom, small but it is there. It allows me to see these as a positive reminder of my beautiful boy and not a prompt to tell me he is gone, for in my head I know this is true. My heart holds the pictures, the memories of touch, tears and laughter of a life truly made richer by having Micheal in my life.

Mammabets I am so glad you found a mix of tears and joy celebrating the day Danny came into your life. Never let that be overshadowed by his angel day, it truly is a day that changes for ever the lives of those that gave birth.

Thinking of you all - kindred spirits each and everyone.

Trudi

November 3, 2007

Hello to all again....I have been reading your posts, but not writing much this last week or so. We have been so caught up in trying to get ready to sell our house and all of the pain that entails on its own, but constantly coming across something of Mike's just rips my heart. Sometimes I will come upon something that will bring a smile, along with the tears, and then I know that we are going to be all right...eventually. Mike was such a "keeper" of all of his things throughout his life and much of it wound up stored in our basement, as he moved out into his adult life. He came back many times to "get something I need" that could be anything from a pen to a comic that the wanted to give someone. Now, going through all of those boxes has just opened up all the memories, flooding through my brain and my heart, some bringing me down the road to pleasant memories, and some detouring me to the edge of a breakdown. Along with all of this, we have been involved in designing Mike's stone for his gravesite...I made the horrible mistake of going to the cemetery the first time by myself to select the site...the day rapidly became a nightmare. However, the next day my daughter and husband came with me to make the final selection, and we did share memories, cry, and comfort each other, which was so much better than the day before when I was there alone. Though Mike was cremated at his request, we will have a final resting place for some of his ashes, and we are just now becoming involved with that.

Many of you have talked about having returned to work after your loss. I, too, had to return to work, just two weeks after we honored Mike at his memorial service. Such a horrid time, and still such a horrid experience.... No one at work has mentioned what happened, ever. Over Mike's first anniversary, no one said a word. It was as though it never happened. As has been said, they are just uncomfortable, etc., and I was likely like that before...hopefully, I will never hesitate again to offer comfort just because I might feel uncomfortable myself.

So many of you have helped me walk this journey over this past year, and I am so thankful to all of you. I also am so sorry that there are so many new "members," and I know that you will find comfort and support through being here, as we all have over the months we've posted and read. The sharing has been phenomenal, and we have given and received love from each other. For those of you who are new, my son, Mike, fought brain cancer for 17 months before he died last October 14, 2006. I can hardly let the words go through my conscious thought without my stomach lurching still. Mike had just passed his 31st birthday, and left three wonderful sons, now 11, 10 and almost 3. Wonderful blessings, and yet, sad reminders, as many of you with grandchildren have said. Seeing his smile in theirs, becoming aware that his middle son has the same wry sense of humor as his dad, hearing the same tone of "giggle" in his three year old that Mike was so quick to come out with at the same age....all of these things are wonderful blessings, and I thank God every day for them, but at the same time pray that I remember to enjoy them more and allow the sting of "reminders" to fade and become less in my mind and more importantly, in my heart. I have also created a web site for Mike, which has brought me much comfort in working on it. Should you want to visit, the address is http://www.james-michael.virtual-memorials.com

The pain of losing a child is just not something that can be put into words, as all of us know so well, but sometimes the words we do use, the words we do run through our own minds and put down on a page, can bring comfort to others in the same circumstances, or even bring comfort to ourselves as we write them. I have learned long ago that sorrow shared is lessened, and joy shared is increased, and have found this to be so true in the efforts we all have made to comfort and support each other here on this site.

Know that you all are in my prayers each day, and I thank each of you for being here, though I truly wish that none of us had ever a need to find our way to this side of reality.

love and peace to all,

Carol MIKESMOMRS

November 3, 2007

Hi all: I apologize for my attachment being so large-sized...I didn't realize it would post that large. I don't know how to reduce the size. will figure it out, I guess.

carol MIKESMOMRS

November 3, 2007

Carol, did the same thing until I worked out the 'atvar' thingy on the my account screen (with the help from BI).

Maybe its in the name, but my Mike kept things too. His partner returned bags of his old clothes and in them were birthday cards and cards of encouragement he had received since he was 18. His 21st card signed by all, birthday cards including the last birthday, his 31st in June 06. I wasn't ready to read them when she dropped them off. But since then I have taken the time and remember when each one was sent.

Yet another piece of raw emotion I wasn't aware of and another dimension to my son who would kid me about keeping cards and letters from people throughout my life, Ha! Who would have know, the apple doesn't fall far!

Still feel days when the energy and effort taken to make it through the day is more than I have or can expend. Today is one. I spent the morning with Mikes ex. Beautiful girl that spent 10ys with him before they split. Tears, memories and questions that are yet to be answered. I am totally drained and find my ability to communicate is limited to my BI postings.

Thank you all for being here. Thanks BI for giving me the opportunity to say what really is in my heart without the silence that is awkward and the words of wisdom, 'you'll get over it'.

November 3, 2007

Yesterday I received a copy of the coroners report for my son, Nick. It also marked the fifth week since he died. As I held that envelope in my hands I was so sick and disgusted that I had to put it down and walk away...I was afraid of what I would find out. I wanted to know why this happened to my boy, but I couldn't bring myself to open the envelope. When I did open it I was so sad to see that he was drunk and thats why he died...he was driving drunk...he could still be here if he had made the choice not to drink and drive...I cannot believe it. He knew better. My heart is breaking and I am so angry at him now, but I still love him so. How could this happen? He was a smart kid. I am so angry with the boy who owned the motorcycle... Why did that boy let him have the key to his motorcycle? He knew that he was drunk. I cannot believe this..it didn't have to end this way. How do I go on knowing that he did this to himself?

November 3, 2007

Analisa, I too struggle with that question. Things could have been different for Joey. Why did he have to foolishly drink so much, which ultimately led to the tragedy that night and my loss? Others around him were negligent, but Joey was a big boy--made his own choices. I was angry too for a time, and suffered a lot because I wasn;t sure just who to be angry with. Ultimately I had to let it go. My faith told me that our lives are predestined for a time. The circumstances may have been different, but if Joey's time arrived, nothing I or anyone could do would change that. Maybe it could have been an easier exit--maybe worse, though its hard to imagine it could have been worse. Joey went instantly. he didn't suffer, which not everyone here can say. I feel so badly for those that waited out longsuffering illnesses and watching their children die. God at least spared me that much. It's hard for me to feel blessed and thanful even now. But I have to stay focused on Joey being in heavenin order to get past the haunting questions. The worst part is my missing him, that empty lonliness that can't find the familiarity where he stood, and longing for what he would be like now and in the future. I'm so very sorry you are going through this. Please know you're not alone, and that others here share in your pain and grief. It's not much to offer, but all we have. Blessings and HUGS, Claudia

November 3, 2007

When Tomorrow Starts Without me

When tomorrow starts without me and I’m

Not there to see,

If the sun should rise and find your eyes all

Filled with tears for me.

I wish so much you wouldn’t cry the way you

Did today,

While thinking of the many things we didn’t

Get to say.

I know how much you love me, as much as I

Love you.

And each time you think of me, I know you’ll

Miss me too.

But when tomorrow starts without me, please

Try to understand

That an angel came and called my name and

Took me by the hand

And said my place was ready in Heaven far

Above,

And that I’d have to leave behind all those I

Dearly love.

But as I turned and walked away, a tear fell

From my eye.

For all my life, I’d always thought I didn’t

Want to die;

I had so much to live for and so much yet to

Do.

It seemed almost impossible that I was

Leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays, the good

Times and the bad.

I thought of all the love we shared and all the

Fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday, I thought, just for

Awhile,

I’d say goodbye and kiss you and maybe

Make you smile.

But then I fully realized that this could never

Be,

For emptiness and memories would take the

Place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things that I’d

Miss come tomorrow,

I thought of you, and when I did, my heart

Filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through Heaven’s gates, I

Felt so much at home.

When God looked down and smiled at me,

From his great golden throne.

He said, “This is eternity and all I’ve promised

You.

Today your life on earth is past, but here it

Starts anew.”

I found this on another web site and thought I'd share it with you...

Thank you Claudia. I feel the exact same way...my son made his choice and I am grateful that no-one else was hurt. I wish things were different, but I know that God has a plan for all of us. I just need to understand.

November 3, 2007

So sorry for your loss, I , too, lost my son Nick 3 1/2 years ago in a motorcycle tragedy...I miss him so much and it is difficult to go on but we have to. I have been away from the board for some time, mostly read posts seldom respond. I will keep you in my prayers. nicksmom

November 3, 2007

Annalisa, Thank you so much the words below. I find when I get to my low point BI and those within have a way of acknowledging the pain, moving my direction with words and all this by just letting me be here.

Claudia & Annalisa, for me it is one of the hardest things to come to terms with, waiting for the Coroner to make his final findings in Mikes death. He was on long term pain killers for his bone and cartiledge deterioration which togther with the immobility caused depression. In the weeks before he died he was home with us and was taking less meds and working with counsellors and therapists in an effort to reduce the meds further while being able to increase mobility painfree.

Once home with his partner she took on the role of monitoring his meds. On the morning he died she told paramedics there was no way he could have taken more than the prescribed dose because she gave it to him. When she 'found' him that morning it was 35mins before she called paramedics.

The interim report showed high levels of the meds that caused respiratory arrest leading to his death.

My mind wonders from why did it take her so long to why were his levels so high? He was only back there 6 days. The day before he was so positive about his lifes direction.

I am haunted by the thought that maybe he took matters into his own hands believing for whatever reason is life was too hard to continue or the thought that after returning home, his partner made the decision she wanted him out of her life and this would be one way. ($400,000.00AU) insurance policy taken out in Nov 06 makes me wonder this even more.

The hard part is that no matter what we teach them, encourage them, try to protect them and love them - their choices will determine their path.

No matter what the final outcome from the Coroners there will never be anything that will bring him back or change the course of Jan 18 07.

November 4, 2007

analisa, thank you for the poem - I have read it before and it always makes me cry. My husband and I are in Dominican Republic right now, we have finally taken a vacation - our first since Jessica passed away. It is so beautiful here but so hard as we were sending Jess here for Christmas the year she died. I took a walk around the resort this morning at about 6:30 when all was quiet and I tried to see everything through her eyes - it is so bittersweet. I almost cancelled the trip as I told my sister I didn't think I could go "have fun" on a vacation knowing that my Jessica will never do so many things again - but she told me my Jess would not want us to stop living as she was so full of life herself. I know those words are true but I still hurt so much every day. I remember waiting for the autopsy also and I wanted it so bad and yet when it finally came I was so angry that it did even though I knew what it was going to say. How could she have had this heart disease and not one doctor find it - when I asked the heart specialist he said she would have needed a new heart had she lived through the heart attack and since her first "bad attack was when she was 18 they didn't have the technology then as they do now - I found that so hard to believe in this day and age - but as we say God has a plan and he needed her for a reason. I have "melt downs" - thats what I call my days when I feel like I just can't take anouther minute of the day - I want her call me, hug me, yell at me, bring her "laundry" over, watch movies and eat popcorn on a snowy day, color and dance around the livingroom - but mostly I can't stand to know that she isn't here for Tavian as mommy's always believe they will be!!! My promise to her is to raise him as she wanted - I hope I have it in me to fullfill that promise. I have a question and I don't know if anyone can or wants to answer it but anyways - the night Jessica died the hospital called and asked us to donate her organs - we were in such shock I remember screaming at the woman on the phone to not dare touch my daughter - now i sometimes think back and I wonder if I should have done different - how would it be to know that someone else was walking through life seeing through my daughter's eyes?? Did any one experience that? I just don't know and I try not to agonize over it but I do think about it. love and Prayers to all

November 4, 2007

This poem brought a lot of things and emotions to mind but I'm grateful for it . Its words give me an inner peace because I know my Bobbi wouldn't have wanted to live with the dread of cancer the rest of her life but I still miss her and wish she was here so I could just hold her and tell her how much I miss and love her. I have to go I can't type for the tears thank you for the poem again.

Deb

November 4, 2007

Mikesmum,

I am so sorry for your son's death. My boy was only 10 when he died this last July by an accidental drowing.

Your story hits my heart for another reason. My husband almost died from an overdose of methadone. He had cronic pain issues and also bipolar disorder. He had been severly depressed for over 2 years. The pain alone plus pain meds can also make you depressed even if you don't have a "mental illness." I had been at a friends house that night and when I got back my husband was unresponsive. If I had been just a few hours later, he would have been dead. He spent three months in a state hospital and is doing better now. But I have the benefit of having him here now to ask, Why?? What happened. With your son, the questions might always haunt you. Sometimes people can horde the med and overdose when others think they don't even have it available. My husband was able to break into a $45 lock box by pulling the hinges out of the back! Depression/pain meds/pain can all be a vicious circle. My deepest sympathies go out to you and your family.

Sal

November 4, 2007

Sal - 10yrs old, so young and such a tragic loss. The situation with your husband touched me even more. While Mike was living away from his partner, all meds were surrended to my husband (paramedic). He spoke with Mike at length with regards to the meds and the effects they were having on his physical and mental state.

When he went back to his partner, she had his scripts and meds. She says she only gave him the prescribed dose and argues that there was no way he accessed any more. She surrended the remaining amounts to police. All that was missing was Diazepam, which wasn't in his system!!!

Mike did store his meds about 5yrs ago. His relationship of 10 yrs was ending and he became more depressed. His partner came home just after he took the overdose. She called an me and I called paramedics. He became reclusive and introverted after this. 2 yrs before he died he met his new partner. 10yrs younger with a similar reclusive and insular behaviour.

The irony of this whole sad story is that Mikes young brother Steve struggled with Heroin addiction from the time he was 18. Mike was his support, someone who Steve could talk to. Steve would leave home when his addiction became worse. He spent 2yrs incarcerated for drug related crimes. As Micheals health deteriorated from the disease attacking his bones/cartiledge as well as his pacemaker, he lost the energy and patience dealing with Steve. Home and clean for 3yrs Steve and Mike came together Christmas 06. It is a memory that is bittersweet, to see my sons both at the time stronger and happier that they had been in long time. But I wonder if Micheals soul knew this would be his last chance to speak with his brother?

Micheals death has impacted most on Steven. We as a family collectively feared the worst. The loss of Mike would be too much for Steven and he would return his addiction. But I think Micheals energy and support came through. Steven works hard every day to build his life. He has two children and a beautiful partner that has seen him through from the early days till now.

Steve tells me he feels Micheal around him constantly. He dreams of him still being here. He spent 20mins holding Micheals hand talking to him at the viewing. When the service ended Steven Melissa and my brother Bill stayed with Micheal. Steven said he just couldn't bring himself to leaving his brother behind.

Sal, may the memories of that beautiful boy in the picture hold your heart and bring you peace. May your husband find that energy/understanding that allows him enter into what I call 'remission'. The place you can build on, move forward on and hopefully leave behind that cancerous insipid thing call addition.

Blessed be - Trudi

November 4, 2007

Trudi, your words, even though meant for another are always so profound...You are an amazing woman...God Bless you...God Bless each and everyone of us, who have found this site and give us strength to lift eachother up on our darkest day...Love to all, Analisa...

November 4, 2007

Analisa - Many thanks. I struggle each day with the idea that Micheal may have in fact taken his own life. There I have said it out loud for the first time. It is my pain and my losing him that has obessed me in the past 10 months. He knew he was loved and cherished by us all. Yet maybe in his own mind/heart he was done.

I will never know, if he did take his life, why. I am sure there are no words that would allow my heart to accept it.

In the past years and even in the earliest days of Stevens problems they both spoke of overwhelming pain. It was physically debilitating and mentally exhausting. Yet there were no "real" causes that could be identified as the cause.

After Micheal died this same pain engulfed me. I finally got it. I didn't have to be ill or suffering a disease. This was a silent and yet intense pain that affected my mind body and soul. It crippled me.

I wrote this in Feb, he had been gone 4 weeks........

---I never quite understood when someone said "I just want the pain to go away." It was a pain that had no visible cause, a pain borne of the heart that affected the mind and disabled the boey. It was an ache of earth shattering proportions.

A pain that made one bone weary from doing nothing: tired and vulunerable yet unable to explain its grasp, exhausting even the most stoic of beings.

This pain takes your mind, it takes your spirit and eventually overwhelms the soul. Sleeps eludes you, time is against you.

I thought nothing could be so bad that you never wantd to wake up.

I was so wrong - I know of such pain

Nothing on this earth can ease this pain. Drugs and distractions are short term solutions. To reawaken, to live again is constant agony.

Ah but to sleep, the endless pain free sleep, it is this sleep that I now seek.

To those left behind, my one regret is that you may now feel that same pain that has taken me. Do not succumb. Fight the good fight. My sleep is my reward at the end of my battle weary life.........

Love you my son, as Melissa says, I wish I could have taken your pain away.....rest beloved boy.

November 5, 2007

Trudi, I was so touched in reading your account of Michael and Steve, Christmas 06. We've pondered before over whether or not subconsciously or via internal spirit our kids had a sense they would be leaving, therefore doing and saying certain things meant specially for someone seemed to be at the forefront of their mission the last weeks and months. It was the same for Joey. He had special and rare conversations over the last month or two with his grandparents, an ex girlfriend, and his dad that indicated a level of maturity and spirituality that was beyond Joey's normal. Some of the things he said and did were as if he was preparing a path of peace for the journey, and not for himself but for others. Joeys, grandmother told me how grateful she was to have had that conversation with Joey, and Joey's dad told me it was the very best summer they've had since Joey was a little boy. Joey's ex-girlfriend said "it was like he knew". And if it wasn't Joey that knew, then I believe God was working in him to "prepare" hearts for the journey. The story of your sons is also like Steve's heart was being prepared for the journey, and now he has a "special strength" that carries him through his relationship and loss of Michael that gives him comfort and peace. It's special and sweet, and a blessing. These are the kinds of mysteries that give me hope and promise that God is with us, and that His grace covers us. Thanks for sharing your inspiring and thought provoking story. Love and Hugs, Claudia

November 5, 2007

You are all so beautiful and strong. Everytime I read this message board I am in awe at the experiences we share. I too am waiting for the coroner's autopsy report and fear what I will find. David was about to have open heart surgery and was so very scared and I would not be surprised if they find high levels of his morpine in his system. He was on pain meds for back injury and I believe he had become addicted. It would not be his first suicide attempt, but it would be the last. The report should be back any day and I also want to know what happened if it isn't an overdose. He died three days before the scheduled surgery and it just does not make sense. Then my mind wonders why I even care because as was said before, it will not bring him back.

And then there is our beloved children preparing us for their departure. David kept telling his wife and me that he was going to die during the surgery. We would scold him andtell him he had to be positive............how silly of us. I tried to be understanding and shared that I would be scared too if I was having open heart surgery but I just couldn't hear his words. He told me at least three times that he was dieing or going to die. How foolish of me. David wrote a letter to his youngest sister (who was in boot camp) about a half hour before he died. He walked it out to the mailbox and made sure it was mailed. He shared with her that he was very proud of her and her choices to turn her life around. The last paragraph shared that he hoped his letter served as light and encouragement as she went through the last dark days of boot camp. She came home from bootcamp for the services and it was so difficult for her to leave us and her children to go back, but she did it. She also said she learned to change her attitude and got strength from making her brother proud and learning to be there for HIS children. WOW! It doesn't get any better than that.

God has blessed me with obvious hugs (all of you and your love) and validation through the tears, the anger, the fear........................I am in terror about loosing another child (I have 5 surviving childrent, all adults). I cannot live in that terror as that would spoil each day I have to share with those remaining and especially my beautiful grandchildren. So off I go to bootcamp graduation with David's oldest son. We will stand proud with David's spirit there to celebrate the woman his little sister has become. I practice not worrying or fearing something that is not actually happening. Takes lots of practice but I am getting better.

Thanks for letting me ramble....................sharing your hearts and letting me part of your beautiful group. You are each a comfort to my heart and soul.

November 5, 2007

Soooo - the paralles of the stories are amazing. Micheal and his partner made a promotion DVD for a scholarship fund in October 06. The preliminary was shot at our home, the final footage in the Grounds of Melbourne University.

Though Micheal had medical problems, none was life threatening. His pacemaker corrected the arrythmia of his heart and the other was debiliating. After he died the fund sent us an uncut copy of the footage from both shoots.

In it Micheal speaks of his hope for his daughter. For her to dream her dreams and fulfil them. Then a pause, he looked at the camera and said, 'I don't know how long I have to live and even though I won't be here, I want her to have great opportunities'. It truly rocked me to the core.

Never had Micheal been told by any Surgeon or Doctor that his problems were terminal. In fact we were all more concerned by the depression his illness caused.

Micheal had lost touch with his circle of friends when he entered into his new relationship. In the months before he died he reconnected with many. They spoke of the old Micheal visiting them at his funeral. In that time spoke often with his ex.

He told her he was sure he wasn't going to live to any great age. In fact his new partner kept asking when he was going to die.

It is bittersweet that he may very well have been making his peace with the earthly touching each one of us before he left. To those left behind it felt more of a re-emergence of his strength and resolve to live. His DVD a message from beyond that signalled this was not to be so.

Soooo - let the rambling continue. 10 months on, the tears with story still flow freely here. It is truly a place to speak of those things that may weigh heavy on your heart and be heard by others who may carry a similar load.

My heartfelt thoughts with you. My grandkids rub my back and pat me gently 'saying there there grandma', when they see the tears in their grandma's eyes. May someone rub your back and pat you gently whenever you need.

November 5, 2007