Loss of an Adult Child

March 26, 2018

Somersky.....when I found this site...I learned I wasn't going crazy....I was in deep mourning. I have to agree with you....this kind of grief can relate to 'losing one's mind'....we are plunged into such a foreign place...and there is simply nothing written that can prepare you for this. I do believe you are being too hard on yourself...I would like for you to be more kind and gentle to yourself. I would like for you to allow yourself to grieve deeply...honor yourself and your boy. You will have to accept the fact that your heart..spirit..soul..physical and emotional body has been shattered. It takes a long time to pick up the pieces and form your 'new normal'. I have to agree that you and your boy had a very close and special connection. I think in a way...the fact that you held him in your arms when he came to this earth home...and you held him in your arms when he slipped away...shows a very sacred soul-mate kind of belonging. We so understand.

You mentioned you lost your brother when he was 20.....how did your Mom and Dad survive his death? Were they able to help you and siblings (if you have others) with understanding how you were grieving your brother ? Are your parents still alive ?

I ask questions because it is very important to me that my adult children understand how I am trying to support and sustain them.

Just keep coming back and letting us know what is in your heart....we will be here to hear you.

March 26, 2018

Dee....I am doing well in recovery....it is a slow...slow process....one cannot hurry this kind of healing...one can only partner with it and take it one day at a time. I am on a learning curve in being patient....I do not know how people get by that does not have the circle of loving and caring family and friends that I am blessed to have.

Here is our 'new little man' born in 2012....he is now starting T-Ball....yes....5 years has passed....it seems as if the years have passed and we look around and still can count our blessings....

Veto is now walking....the family took off on Spring Break...Hunter Bear went to Steamboat Springs in Colorado with fraternity friends (he is on the left)...the rest went to Scottsdale..some hit the hiking trails and some the ski slopes...

Austin was asked to perform during the SXSW music festival in Austin...thankfully a photographer took these photos...as I could not attend...he was so excited and anxious about performing...he did great.

March 26, 2018

Thank you mermaid tears for the encouraging words. When my brother passed away we were not encouraged to discuss it... so it really didn’t get dealt with. Skylar and my brother shared a strong resemblance which was why it was even more devastating to lose him. My younger brother is very supportive and compassionate as well as my mother. My dad passed away 3 months ago...so it’s a big adjustment for my mother.

March 26, 2018

virginia i wish you the best of luck on thursday let us know how it goes.

diane thank you so much so always have such nice things to say and god knows i need them.

dee my son was also 14 when we got married. they were always jealous of each other like two little kids. it was hard me to be around that. they would get along then they didn't.

luanne thank you so much. i can see you have been through a lot.

peggy

March 26, 2018

Peg, I so relate, my Daughter and Husband also battled and I was in the middle, wanting out of the middle badly, did not like that at all, I felt very guilty for changing Erica's existence so much, but I also found that the two of them needed to work through it, and eventually did but it was a very walk-on-eggshells-time which was upsetting to me.

Susan, wow, that 5 year old is wearing CUBS gear it seems to me which makes him a ringer for my Grandgirl, she is almost 5, and a member of a strong CUB loving family. He is so beautiful. I remember thinking that when he was just a tiny one too. And the other photos of the Kids enjoying life are a treat as well. Wow, Austin is obviously very talented to be asked to perform at such a prestigious show. Good for him. Good for you all. Yes, I am thankful that you are surrounded by the wonderful family you have, I know what you mean, how do folks who are ill get by when there are few contacts in their lives?

I am on spring break too, just loving not having a schedule and can just be and act on a whim. Love that.

March 26, 2018

Dee....I wish I could send all the Northern sisters some of our weather....I think some will find they will have either a white or very cold Easter this year. I post the photos of family to give my friends a connection to me....and let them know the grief journey has been a learning path in trying to gather the family up and move forward...never leaving John David behind...but taking him with us...children grow...time marches on. How he loved being that 'Uncle'....how he doted on his nieces and nephews. Wyatt had his firstT-Ball game and both Jeremy and Jesse made remarks about how John David would have loved it. He is never forgotten.

Somersky....you have had to deal with a lot of grief in the last couple of years and I think those parents that are dealing with many shades of grief and on many levels seem to have a harder time because the grief grows and becomes very heavy. A parent on this site lost her son...and then had to deal with the care of her MIL having terminal cancer..and then her husband had cancer. I also think many parents that have to deal with challenging situations and circumstances and environments have a harder time in dealing with their grief because it seems as if they don't get a break to catch their breath and let natural coping skills kick in. They are in a constant struggle. For those parents..I do believe having a support group..human contact...would be best for them. They would be able to connect with grieving parents and let that time be for them to get support.

March 26, 2018

dee tina and somersky the gift of donation in any form is incredible. It gives the recipients a chance of new life that they will treasure forever. In the UK we are trying to change donor laws so that everyone is a donor unless they opt out which i personally think would be a good thing. It is so hard for staff to ask grieving family members those questions but there is a critical time factor especially counting in travel time to reach the recipients. As for family it is the worst time to be asked and I am sure many are in too much shock and horror to be able to agree but later wish they had but then it is too late. My kids and i are all donors.

somersky I feel crazy a lot of the time and this will be my 3rd year without my son in Aug. I can be doing ok one minute and then I am crying or it will just be a day when I feel very very sad and don't want to speak to anyone or do anything but just curl up on the couch and be alone with my thoughts. It does not help when people expect you to practice positive thinking and you will magically be cured it is a case of mind over matter. Yeah right it is that simple, like I will stop missing my child every day........ never! he will always be in my heart and soul as long as I live, and I am doing my best to "adjust and accept" but it is not on anyone else's timeline.

virginia i hope this move is a good thing for you. It is so tempting to move away and start again, all history unknown. If it is meant to be it will be and you can start some new things. Keep us updated. The good thing is no matter where anyone moves we can still be in touch.

susan those photos are lovely you must be very proud. As for recovery you are an inspiration to those who are newer. Those quotes are excellent esp the 100% one it almost makes me smile.

letty how are you doing? Been awhile since you posted but hopefully you are still reading. We are all different and even if you lose your child in the same month or year your personal journey will be different.

my dad has been transferred to another hospital for physio and rehabilitation. I am grateful he is being taken care of.

March 26, 2018

It’s too bad we all lived so far away .... I can have you all over for a Pilates class. Weekends are tough for me... seems the days I am not teaching... can be pretty destructive. I guess I keep thinking with time it will become acceptable but it’s not the case. I still cannot process his passing to see my dad take his last breath was very rough too (I made sure they game him morphine and am grateful my mom didn’t have to see him suffer) My father was diagnosed with lung cancer and within 7 days he was gone. He didn’t have any symptoms.. only elevated liver enzymes.

I guess I don’t know what is “right” or “wrong” to feel...but I am grateful for all your kind and honest words. It means a lot.

March 27, 2018

There is no wrong way to feel Somersky, Kristin. You are feeling what you are feeling, that can't be wrong, it just is what it is right now. I always found that when I was on the deep end of pain, that i was on the crux of change...so perhaps you are upon something new???I wish I could take a class with you, I have never been to British Columbia, my Kids sure thought it beautiful though, snowboarding at Whistler...(I think that is in BC). You may not realize all that you have been through lately, the death of your Dad, while he lived to a more normal age, is still traumatic. He was your Dad, you held his hands while he died, right there, and that is traumatic, even though it was good for Dad that you were there, it affects you. You have lived through three male Family Members dying...two at young ages, this is trauma, and with each loss we relive our original loss and all those that came later. It sounds as though you were never able to fully grieve your Brother's death, and that loss may still be needing some resolution. Please understand that what you are feeling right now is a great deal of loss. I am glad that you have your job to put yourself into, and even though the weekends are harder, it is good to have time off for your body and mind. HOlding your hands and your heart.

Susan, I used to post photos here but my program on my computer has become more complicated, will see if I can later on this week. It is good for everyone here to see family and life being lived and Angels never being forgotten.

March 27, 2018

Kristin, losing a much loved family member at any age is always difficult. I agree with Dee and the others. It is going to take some time for you to adjust to the fact that he is no longer in your life.

Susan, how nice to see the kids enjoying themselves! It looks as if they were having a blast. Best time of their lives. I love seeing pictures shared. It gives a glimpse into the lives of everyone and also puts a face to the names we often hear about.

Lesley, so happy that your dad is now being transferred to a ReHab. Long work ahead for him... but huge progress can be made with the hope of heading home. How is your mom doing?

Laurie, how is your mother?

Leah, as always...sending love and hope that your health has improved. I heard this on TV the other night and I know that it definitely applies to you and your family. " The longest and most difficult paths lead into the light when the path is paved with love." Nobody could love their family more than you!

It is a wonderful day shaping up. The sun is brilliantly shining over the lake and it promises to be fairly warm today. At long last. Love to all, Kate

March 27, 2018

Happy tears today!! My dad was discharged home from the rehab unit as they could not improve on his fitness level as he is so able now. I am very relieved as I did not feel he would benefit from being there once he had learnt to do steps and stairs and I know there are other patients who need the bed and help more. He is soo happy to be home again and just needs to take it a bit easy. Very thankful to all the hospital staff who managed his treatment, care and rehab so efficiently. He is so lucky to have no deficits after the stroke except fatigue and a slight weakness and we are so lucky to still have my beloved dad in our lives.

March 27, 2018

Hooray for your Dad Lesley, and the whole family. I am glad that he is home again, where he is most comfortable. Now your Mom can rest in that too.

March 27, 2018

Kate, it was supposed to get to 57 degrees today but it is only 50, which of course is a lot better than 40, but the skies are deeply gray, hoping for sunshine tomorrow.

March 27, 2018

This is a picture of my youngest granddaughter who is six years old. She is a ski fanatic. This was taken yesterday in Canmore... at the Nordic centre where the Olympians attended and skied with the kids. She is wearing a gold medal that she was allowed to put on for the picture. Her goal is to make it to the Oympics one day. She sleeps with her stuff beside her bed.

I have also attached a couple of older pictures of her when she first started skiing. They always make me smile. No fear of heights whatsoever...unlike her Gram! She finally won gold a couple of times this winter,but nothing compared to wearing the gold from the Olympics yesterday.

Lesley,I am so pleased for all of you! You have been under so much stress with the worry regarding your dad. Great news all around!

March 27, 2018

Kate. What a sweet happy little girl. I can only imagine what grandchildren must be like. Again am just so happy about rosses news. Maybe u are on a roll.

Lesley. Glad to hear your dad is recovering. I’m sure being a nurse is a great help to them. Hope your having some luck with your ankle.

Chery, Tony’s mom. I’m sorry I do not know your story but you kindly acknowledged my Kira’s birthday in January. I have Tony’s name written down for today, not sure if angel date or birthday. If you are reading please know I’ve been thinking about u today. Post some time if you can.

Luanne Kira s moml

March 27, 2018

Luanne, how nice that you write things down, I never remember to write anything down concerning dates, so I apologize for missing so many due to my lack. But Cheryl, I amsending hope your way on this date, whether it be birthday or anniversary, I know it is poignant. I hope you let us know how you are doing...

Lesley, how is the ankle, any better? Are you going to Physical therapy or not yet or not suggested by doctors?

March 28, 2018

Laurie-----thanks for your kind words. Good to see your posts, and so glad to hear

that your dad is home from rehab.

Somersky---wishing you strength & comfort as Skylar's birthday and Angel day approaches.

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Margee---Not to worry about learning names etc. We all goof up sometimes, especially

when new people come on the site. It just takes time.

Kate-----Great news! I'm so glad that your husband is now cancer-free. I know that it

has not been an easy for you both. Just so glad to hear the news. Thanks for the cute

pics of your granddaughter in her skis.......she has come a long way from the earlier age....

she will perfect it as she goes along.

LouAnn-----We live several miles from a couple small towns. We are in the middle of a

lot of farming acreage, so it is pretty quiet and peaceful. Pretty soon, the activity will

pick up when the spring planting starts. Thanks for that poem.....so nice.

Dee----I agree. So nice to see the high school students organizing and going to Washington D.C.

Also, the schools all around the country who had the show of support. A high school in our area

forbid the students to walk out, or show any sign of support for the high school student's movement.

The students at this school were told by the superintendent that they would be punished if they

tried to walk out for the 17 minutes of remembrance. He said that it was "too political" and that his

school was not going to get "involved". :angry: He was roundly criticized by many people, and 400

students chose to stay home that day, in protest of the ruling. I applaud the students for their energy

and initiative.

Susan---Thanks for the nice poem...azaleas. Hope you are feeling much better.

Dianne----thanks for the screen shot ......that is so true, and I don't think many people would know

just how to answer the question......"what reason"?

Lesley----I so know the heartache of not getting to say goodbye to Tommy. My husband and I were

out of town the day our David was killed. By the time we got back home, and the police came to tell

us, our darling was already gone......died in surgery. Yes....it is a haunting thing to live with. I like

to think that a higher power was with him.

WISHING PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

March 28, 2018

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March 28, 2018

Looks like the site acted up here Sherry...your post is separated, at least on my screen by a lot of space... I am so glad that I looked and saw the rest of your post. What a shame that the superintendent did not see that this was not political at all, but a response to honor the dead. Wow, but we have a few schools around here too, that gave kids detentions if they walked out for 17 minutes. The kids said, " oh well, then it is detention." I am proud of the kids and the passion and hope in their actions and words.

Kate, love the photos...what a huge joy for your Grandgirl to try on a gold medal...

March 28, 2018

LouAnn, yes we are very excited about the good health news. And now finally we are able to go to visit our son and the kids. We have not seen them for over three years. He has not been able to face Jeff's death. We understand. As a result he could not come back apart from the first few Christmas holidays. We talk on the phone and he texts all the time. He came home the night before his memorial, but left later the next day after it was over. When Ross took sick and I was so ill three years ago... he also could not face it. So we gathered our resources and dealt with it alone. He has never seen the bench or where his ashes are scattered. He told me that he thinks of him every day, but has a life that is complete with his own kids and chooses to move ahead. So, we are going to go out there ourselves.

He told me who the young guy was in the photo with my granddaughter, but I have forgotten his name. I will have to ask him again. He was the gold medal winner.

We woke up during the night to rain and again this morning to frozen roads and a coating of snow. Weird weather. Have a good day everyone.

Kate

March 28, 2018

Kate, I am excited for you to be able to go visit the Kids. Will you fly? Today we will have those temps promised, but still under fairly cloudy skies...tomorrow rain, and much colder for the remaining week...oh well, spring and winter battle it out, eventually, spring will be her confident self and spread her warmth to the ground and allow the greening of the world. I love all the many greens of spring.

March 28, 2018

kate love the photos and how special to wear an actual Olympic medal. That will be a day to remember for sure and maybe she will be a future competitor for her country, everyone has gotta start somewhere. Sports and activities are really important for youngsters of all ages. So happy to hear you will be seeing your son after all that long time. It must be hard to come home and still be haunted by memories of his brother, we all face our own inner demons that's for sure.

laurie I understand how some may view the marches and protests as having a political slant but am ashamed the principal was so tyrannical. He should have allowed and encouraged the students to show their support should they wish to do so because it is about saving lives not politics and i would have been happy to let my kids stay home in protest or get detention because of the right to free speech. It was not illegal, not sexist, or racist, not homophobic ,or against a particular religion, or lifestyle, just an acknowledgment of and using their voice to stand up for safety. These kids are future governors, principals, politicians, judges, law makers, and parents. They will be future voters and maybe that is where the fear lies.

dee and Louanne I have made some slow progress. I have stopped one of the strong opioids two weeks ago, and replaced it with a less strong painkiller and also cut out another dose altogether. I can put half of my foot to the ground and I put full weight on my ankle several times a day to strengthen it. When my meds are at their peak I can actually limp a few steps in my boot thos its very painful. I am hoping to start on crutches next week and be able to weight bear for longer. Small steps literally!!

thanks friends for your good wishes. Hardest bit will be helping dad slow down as he always goes at 100mph and helping my mum not fuss over him which will drive him crazy. My emotions are very different since Tommy died. When my dad had his stroke and was in the hospital everyone but me was tearful. Like I do most of the time now I felt numb. I was really happy he was going to be ok and also happy when he made a somewhat miraculous recovery and enjoyed visiting him in hospital etc but almost felt like I was an onlooker and just dealing with day to day. I feel robotic most days to be honest, everything is dulled and kind of muted. I cried for years for my Tommy it was unbelieveable how many tears can fall from your soul, but now the tears come sporadically and not often. I feel affected by sad things in the media and around me but am not the sensitive soul I used to be. It is hard adjusting to the new me the less emotional, harder more angry me who just exists in life not participating in it. Food does not taste the same, alcohol does not give me a buzz or relaxation although I very rarely drink and I take no pride in my appearance. Sure I shower and most days get dressed but each day is the same I am a slave to the couch. i know some of this is depression and frustration with my inability to walk and resenting how hard everything is to do on one leg but it is more than that it is a sadness deep inside me all of the time that my lovely son is gone from this world, and I miss him so so much.

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March 28, 2018

Lesley, goodness that ankle of yours needs to heal. I am so glad that you were able to get off some of the meds. I am sorry though that it is so painful. I hope that the crutches help. I agree about the school principal, She/he should have been proud of the students to stand for something! Humanity.

Well the temps are much better and going up a bit more yet today, so another long walk and then later we will pick up the kids from school and hang out till bedtime.

Sarah how are you doing? Peg? Margee? Virginia? All Newbies?

March 28, 2018

Kate, how exciting for your granddaughter...a real Olympic gold. I can almost see her when she is older being interviewed at the Olympics and telling the story of having to have had that medal around her neck for a little while and how it drove her to compete. Glad you are taking the trip to see your son. That might be the block kicker when he has you guys with him on his own turf. I know I would love to not be living in this house where my children grew. Its hard.

Virginia, good luck tomorrow on your interview.

Lesley, that is great that your dad did not have to stay in rehab. While understanding that the therapy there is good, to me there is no place like recovering at home. Glad to hear you are doing some weight bearing. Small steps.

March 28, 2018

Our two boys could not have been more different in personality. Still, I loved them equally. Jeff was outgoing and very sociable and our other son is a quiet person. A great father and good husband. He is so proud of his little girls... as are we! He simply can not show his concern for serious issues. Can't seem to talk about them. That is something that is common in the family. I grew up like that. Tough it out on your own. He did send his Dad a Jets ball cap before his chemo in case he lost his hair. He was lucky that the folfox drugs did not cause that.

I lost my Dad at a young age barely 20 and my mother at 39. I have never really had anyone to lean on as far as a parent to offer support. I won't deny that I have been scared many times when I could have used someone to talk things over with. My faith came into play at that time. I said we gathered our resources and were alone... but we were not. We had Jeff and a greater power at play working on our behalf. I am convinced that is why I experienced the Tea House visit. It helped to give me the strength to continue with yet another blow when I was already so low. The outcome was more than we could have ever expected and we are ever so thankful.

We have considered moving there... but you can't follow your kids. They have lives of their own to live and we need to follow our own ways as independently as we are able. Live life to the fullest and be thankful for what you have instead of bemoaning what is missing.

March 28, 2018

Love those photos Kate ! Your granddaughter has a real passion....and with that gold medal around her neck....she has inspiration!! It is such a booster to a young one's self esteem to meet one of their heroes. Now all the health shackles are gone....and I think it is a good thing to visit family where they live...visit the schools...see their rooms....and you can watch them ski....and meet their friends...and take them for ice cream and shopping !!

You have shared some very wise words....I love this..'I have never met a strong person that did not have a hard past.'....So True.

March 28, 2018

Having a rough day, it's my birthday. I am supposed to be happy, and want to do something, but i don't. My husband wants to celebrate, my son wants to open presents, my work wants to do a thing. All I want to do is crawl under a rock. I put on my fake smile and got through the work thing. Have counseling before seeing my husband and son. Last year my daughter mailed me a Stephen king book, and I have a voicemail of her wishing me happy birthday. This morning I woke at midnight and my phone had a calendar reminder she had set for my birthday. I think it was her way of saying happy birthday. God I miss her! I went to support group last night, was really angry because there was a girl there who had lost her brother. That's not the same as a child, the group is for bereaved parents. Everyone else was fine with it, so now I feel like a horrible person.

March 28, 2018

Somersky....Dee is right...there is no right or wrong way to grieve...unless you do harm to yourself or others. There are parents on this site who lost a baby many years before losing their other 'child'.....they were told to 'move on'...and they did and had other children. Then....when they lost their older 'child'....it brought another layer of grief...delayed grief. They realized they did not honor their grief when they lost the baby. It becomes a conflicted/complex grief. You may/may not be experiencing this. I am glad you have compassion from your Mom and brother....am sure she is going through a lot of adjustment...as is the whole family. How is your husband doing ? Men and women grieve differently.

Margee...how are you doing ? I am glad your husband was there that night you had a complete meltdown. I believe when a parent reaches that stage there are two factors playing in the background.....one....they are being too hard on themselves...they are expecting too much of themselves....they are still trying to fit what was 'normal' into their life where 2+2 does not equal 4. Some people call it the 'new normal'.....I think it is more like 'new abnormal'. Two....they are expecting too much from others....they are expecting family and friends to come and give answers and help make it all smoother and to help make it all work out. Many times parents feel betrayed when family and friends do not come through with the right words...or doing what one thinks they should do. Frankly....I don't think people are being mean....I do not think they have a clue to what to say or do. We can find common ground in that the parents on this site walk in your shoes....I do not have a circle of friends around me that has lost a child...that is why this site has been such a touchstone to me. I do hope you are doing better. Let us hear from you.

March 28, 2018

Love that screen shot on GRIEF Susan, thanks. It is true, it is what most of us say once we go through more of the stages of grief, it isn't something you complete, it is a mainstay, but absorption and adjustment and acceptance are th true keys to learning to live with our losses.

Virginia, you are not a horrible person...I think though, that the sibling aspect of grief is so overlooked that there are no groups and so someone told this person to go the group for help. It is not the same, but sometimes, when one is grieving, it just helps to be around others who get it. As far as your birthday, I would say open gifts because that is great for your Little One, but it is okay to not go out and celebrate, it does not feel like a time to celebrate this year, maybe next year it will. This is all we can tell those who love us, maybe next year I will have learned how to adjust to this hole in my heart, but it is too soon.

March 28, 2018

dee i'm here. my brother insisted i go his house yesterday for dinner since he thinks it's time i get out of my shell. boy was he surprised. first of all i knew he was at my house the day my son passed but i didn't know he came later on so he really did not know what happened that day. i was at his house yesterday for almost 5 hours. i think i cried and screamed and told him everything that happened for at 4 1/2 of those 5 hours. he was like i had no idea he never thought of me going in the room and finding my son. it also never occurred to him that me and my son do every thing together he told me oh my god it's gonna be a long time before you feel better. i told him there is nothing in the world that can compare to this. i told him what i told my other sisters and brothers a broken is a real thing. please if something happens to me tell all the kids it's a real thing. i miss my son so bad my brother is heart broken like the rest of my family but he had no idea it's a lot different for me till he spent time with me yesterday

thanks for listening

peggy

March 28, 2018

yes virginia i'm sure someone sent that young lady to the meeting to help her. think of a sibling feeling that bad they need to go to a group. she will figure out there are other groups for her. but yes we know how we feel

peggy

March 29, 2018

Peggy. No not your brother or any of your siblings or friends will have a clue, not one tiny inkling of what u are feeling. And unless it happens to them never will. I took 6 1/2 years as everybody , absolutely everybody, one at a time dropped off the radar and went back to thier lives. I kept thinking isn’t somebody ever just going to say how r you, or remember my girls angel or birthday. A relative, a friend, a co worker, surely my daughters friends or thier parents, the world just can’t be that cruel to grieving parents can they? Wel. Guess I’m a slow learner, took me all those years, but yes the world is absolutely that cruel. Please don’t drag yourself thru that agony for years like I did. This site is pretty much my family here now. No one has ever made me feel like what I had to say wasn’t important or that I wasn’t doing something the right way or in the right time. Crying and screaming at your brother was what you had to do. You had to let that out. I wish I could have done that when my daughter died, but all my tears were on the inside. Yes a broken heart is a real thing, it never completely heals, but will scab over a bit as time goes on. Of course there will be things that come up when u feel that scab being tugged at too. But u will dear friend, you will get thru. I always and sometimes still do say one day, we’ll i can’t do that, ok one hour, we’ll thats still too much, ok then I can do one minute, just one minute and then another one. Remember we are all hearts and hands holding here. Luanne

susan. I think I have or have had that delayed or complex grief. I’m still trying to figure that out. Hopefully my new psychiatrist can help me with that. I totally acted like absolutely nothing traumatic had happen, lingered liked that for a few months, then of course I started seeing a psychiatrist who proceeded to dope me up for 5 years. The only way I can tell I’ve moved a head a little is by listening to our newbies but other than that couldn’t tell you where im at really. Thanks for you thought on that.

Niques mom. I’m so sorry you can’t have a happy birthday. Your loss is just so fresh and raw you can’t really absorb some things right now. You are not bad for thinking that way, I do too. I don’t deny other people thier grief but don’t ever even try to compare any loss to that of a child. Nothing even comes close. I knew a woman who went to a very expensive week long retreat for grieving as she had lost her son. When they took turns telling about thier loss, someone was there cause they had lost a dog. I’m not a violent person but I know I would have reached over and rung thier neck. Hang in there.

Kate. I’m so sorry you lost your parents so early on and did not have that love and support. Sometimes even when we still physically have our parents we don’t get that. I don’t know, just luck of the draw I guess. And then on top god swoops in and takes our kids from us. I too have leaned more on my faith then ever. I don’t know how old you are now, but I hope you know you have all that love and support that you didn’t have when you were younger. Things seem to be looking up a little for you. And let’s hope the cup will go to the Jets this year. And again can’t tell u how happy I am that Ross has a clean bill of health. Take care

Luanne.. Kira’s mom.

March 29, 2018

Peg, I am so proud of you for going to your Brother's home and letting out the absolute horrific sequence of events to him, if he is going to be an understanding and empathetic brother, he needed to know. He needed to feel your pain and you needed to share it. Even though nobody can do anything to make it different, it is so good to be able to share the load if only for a little while.

Peg, how have you been sleeping? Are you able to eat on a regular basis? I ask because as we grieve heavily we need to make sure we are feeding our bodies to fend off illness...our immune systems get whacked out of alignment with this much anxiety and stress. When Erica was in the accident,it was not two months after that I began to have two menstrual cycles a month, weakening me even more, and then into peri-menopause and into a pretty brutal menopause. I was 47, now almost 62. Even though you feel it may not matter if you take care of yourself, it does help you to make sure that you are keeping up with nutrients and drinking plenty of water. Grief is exhausting and I am holding you in my thoughts and hopes.

March 29, 2018

Louanne, I am sorry that you don't have any supportive folks around you, it makes my heart sad for you. I do have siblings and nieces and nephews who do talk about and honor Erica on a regular basis, as do my friends and Erica's friends. I have never gone a day since she died, nearly 15 years now, without talking about Erica to someone, so I am lucky but i also think it has to do with the boundaries you set for others early on in grief. Others don't know how to be, to no fault of their own, they simply do not want to do anything that will make it worse for us, so we have to take the lead and tell them that nothing they could do could make you more sad, that the death of our beloved child is that sadness that nothing else compares...but the one thing that could make it worse for me is if you stop talking about her, I need to hear her name, I need you to keep her with you. Early on, I invited Erica's friends over to talk and cry with me, we shared photos and spent time together...these were the kids she grew up with ...I started a fund in Erica's name at the school where I work and where my Kids attended a long time ago. The Erica Reith Fund has helped many kids over these years, purchasing anything from music, swimming, skating lessons, to clothing and holiday gifts...to tutors and summer programs. It also supports kids in need for their lunch programs and field trips. I do so agree with you Louanne, that there are those who just kind of left our lives because they could not handle our loss, it made them too uncomfortable, but I don't miss those people in my life. This was their issue and not mine.

March 29, 2018

Thanks dee. I never looked at it that way, but your right it is thier issue. And I so don’t miss those people either. So nice Erica’s fund has helped so many kids over the years. It’s funny in a way as I get older somethings about my past are so crystal clear now. Wish I could have had my wisdom now when I was a young girl. But I guess hind site is always 20/20. I so was making sure my Kira knew all the time how much she was loved, how special she was and she could do and be anything in life. I did everything to instil that confidence and self esteem in her, basically everything I never had. But just on the cusp of all that happening god had other plans.

Lou, from New York, r u still there. I miss your posts. How are u and your wife doing.

Margee, how r things going for you. Let us know. Remember we are always here for you.

lesley. I so get the laying on the couch, only I didn’t even shower. No make up or doing hair. How could anything that frivolous matter now 5 or 6 years of sitting in that hole. Finally realized whether I showered or not or layed on the couch all day or went out for a walk....the grief was still there it didn’t make any difference. I never give myself credit for much but I have always been a compassionate person, even when I was a very young girl, I just always have had the need to try and make somebody happy or feel better, I think it was because I could never do it for myself . I volunteered at a men’s mission after Kira died but as I was still working and had to quit. But I quite enjoyed my time there. I have befriended this poor man who sits in front of the Walmart. Sure everybody gives him a loonie or toonie walking by but I just thought one day, he has a story and it is just as important as everyone else’s, so I sat down beside and started talking to him. I have made friends with him and I told him I am not rich but any that I can help him I will. So I give him a little money, buy him some groceries, or clothes some times. But what I think is the most important is I always give him a hug and tell him I will always check in that spot for him and wanted him to know I as never going to forget about him. That is when I feel my Kira is proud of me. Cause even at the age of 17 she was the kindest caring soul ever. Funny when I was younger I spent all my time inside the malls , now I I’d much rather stand outside them and try to even make one persons day a little happier. Kira told me a few nights before she died she wanted to be a social worker. With no formal training yet she was already half way there. Well didn’t mean to get so yappy tonight. . Back to my hockey. Glad your dad is progressing Lesley.

Luanne

March 29, 2018

My girl had also declared that she and one of her best buddies were going to pursue social work...Susannah is a great social worker in Chicago, she carries Erica with her in and out of each day.

March 29, 2018

Had my job interview, not sure how it went, not great with Skype. They wanted to know if I am moving out there, so I explained I want to move and be settled before my son starts kindergarten. She asked "and you only have the one son starting school?" I paused, but said yes. I know I am not pretending I don't have another child, but that hurt my heart.

March 29, 2018

Virginia, they may have asked that to know if there were plans for more kids, which they are not allowed to ask but sometimes don't like to hire those who will need time off for pregnancies. You did not lie, you simply told the truth actually. It is not to say that you will not let the folks there know later on if you get the job, that decision would come when you felt either yes, I will share my story, or no, I will not. I work with a lot of different people, some are very open about their lives, some are not, and most rest in between. I am an open book, my whole story is lined on me, and some have suggested I keep some of my stories close and not share, but that isn't me.

March 29, 2018

I'm not sure you can see the printed stuff. I did it in silver

T

Peace and love

Tina

March 29, 2018

Well done Tina, I can see it. I think that Kiona is very proud of this creative endeavor and likes to see her Momma working through these issues of loss.

March 29, 2018

Tina. How beautiful. You really are an artist. You should have your own business. Whatever you can get a crumb of comfort from take it.

Dee. Well I for one am so glad you share. I can’t imagine not having all your wisdom and shared experiences. They have comforted me so very many times.

niques mom. I used to fear the question about how many kids do u have. When I was still at work we were sitting around a break table and a new girl started. She went around the table asking each one how many kids they had. I could see a couple girls looking at me and cringing. But before it got to me I just got up and excused myself. Now, almost 7 yrs later, I speak right up and say my two boys and a daughter who passed away several years ago. Nothing brings a conversation to a hault like that answer.

Peggy. How u doing today. Feeling any better than yesterday. I hope even just a drop.

March 29, 2018

Tina, what an incredible job you did on Kiona's box! From some of the things you have shared I am betting that is exactly the way Kiona would like... and done from the heart for sure. What a coincidence... my daughter's middle name is LEIGH. I saw that somewhere when I was very young (a long, LONG time ago) and loved it. It just made it special. I love messing with paints...I am no artist... but I have put "special finishes" on some of my older pieces of furniture. You did a great job for your daughter and she knows all the creativity was your love for her.

Virginia, it is hard in the beginning to answer any question about your children. You did right, Kyle is the only one you have starting school. It was not denying anything regarding Nique. If asked now if I have children I always reply yes to two. One lives in Wyoming and one lives in heaven. The first few times it was a little hard to think yet alone say but now it just comes out. Baby steps is what it takes and you are working really hard at it. By the way, good job on your signature!

Susan, thanks for sharing the photos of your family. Your snippet of "Grief" was so touching and true. I kept it and put it to a background of a stormy sea. Glad you posted it. Your use of the term "new abnormal" gave me something to think about. I think it is better than the "new normal" that gets used.

Luanne, Jets vs Hawks tonight. I am sharing this game with you and Kate. A couple of months ago I thought...if only the Hawks could get a goalie. Sadly, it is not only the goalie situation.

Dee, I didn't know Anthony Rizzo went to high school in Parkland. He is such a good sport ambassador for the Cubs.

March 29, 2018

tina beautiful job! luanne i had a better day at work today but i have been home almost two hours and i just can't stop getting upset. when i'm done here i will take my shower and go lay down. didn't sleep last night should sleep better tonight i hope

well it's mothers day making me nervous. i worked a job for 38yrs before they went into bankruptcy and closed down i made what i call good money i had 5 weeks vacay 10 sick days 4 personal and of coarse i was one of the longest working employees there. any way got forced to take a job half the money only two weeks vacay. started with 3 sick and two personal days. it's two years now that i have been there. but no one ever tried to get to know me because i came from the competitor. however last year on mothers day they all said happy mothers day and didn't even know i was a mother. so i know a lot of people will say it again this year cause they probably think i have more then one. i have to think ahead about what my answer will be. maybe just a thank you we will see

peggy

March 29, 2018

hi after i read the posts on page 2519 i decided to go back to 2518 to see if i missed anything i see i did. dee yes my brother understands a lot better now for sure. i lost 20 lbs since my son passed. i do drink alot of water something i never did before grieving. came home today my doc's nurse was on my answering machine they want me to come in for a follow up appt. (from giving me the meds on the phone) well i'll call them soon i'm sure. just trying to start to feel a little better so i don't lose it there.then again whats the worse thing that can happen he puts me on disability. luanne i am terrified of my family getting sick of me. you know with family the problem is they hurt for a while too. not like you but they are hurting then i think as they start feeling better they don't want us reminding them

peggy

March 29, 2018

luanne that is so lovely that you helped humanise a man in dire difficulties and helped him out, that will mean the world to him. Kira will be applauding your kind actions and be so proud of you. So many of the homeless have mental health issues and no money for insurance to pay for meds or money to put down as a deposit so the cycle of poverty and untreated illness goes on. I was advised by my homeless charity not to give money directly to people by all means buy some food or hot drinks and give the money to an official homeless charity. They monitor all their clients and ensure they get the help they need in any way and it stops professional beggars who have a home and food they just want extra free cash. These beggars are the ones who give the genuine homeless a bad name because they are quite in your face and rude. I also sometimes just buy a little something extra when I food shop and collect a bag of stuff over time to give to our food pantry or my homeless charity, because finding money at the end of the month is hard.

dee I think it was you who said your parents kinda disowned you years ago? I am sorry you had to deal with that abandonment but my gosh what a wonderful kind and generous person you have been despite family dysfunctions. I know I am very lucky with my family members who continue to help and support me even if they don't always "get it". Eri's fund helps others which is a wonderful legacy for her and I am glad you have many people talk about her. Very few people talk to me about Tommy although I do frequently because it is important to acknowledge his part in my life and I will not allow him to be forgotten. I like your comments about people leaving because of their issues and how it is ok to let them go.

peggy I am also relieved you were able to tell your brother what happened that night. It does not seem like it but talking about it does help, it clarifies what you saw and felt and allows others to realise the trauma you went through. i am sorry the details of your boy's passing escape me at the moment and I should write notes like someone before said they did, because my memory is so bad and i either forget people's names or something else. You are a survivor like all of us be proud of your efforts even if they seem very small and insignificant.

virginia you are not a horrible person at all. You could offer the person who lost a sibling this forum because there is a section for siblings who have lost a brother or sister. Each loss is very different whether it be a partner, a father, mother, grandmother, sibling or your own child and deserve their own groups. I could not attend a group unless it was just a child bereavement group either. I am sorry your birthday was rough it does not mean the same as it did before does it? A lot of the joy and celebrations feel very muted and sad now don't they? It is important to try next year to make it a bit different for your young son so that he can help you enjoy the day a bit more. Kids just love their birthdays don't they? Each year is different and we can all try to learn from the year before and even make new traditions so that there are a few brighter days in the calendar even if they are for other people.

so it is almost April already am I the only one who thinks the months have flown by? They say that happens when you get older and as I am 53 I guess I qualify as older. Most days I feel 153. Ross is hoping to stay for a few days next week which will be nice. I hope to be on crutches by then not just crawling around on hands and knees and a bit more independent. We talk a lot about people who leave our lives and probably not enough about the ones who stay and support us. I appear to be the only singleton on here and have lived alone for many years out of choice. My divorce left horrible scars on my psyche and the brief forays into dating revealed a poor quality of men so I am happily single. Shout out to all the husbands and wives out there who help you all in your struggle for normality, who provide the shoulder to cry on ,the hugs and reassurances, a listening ear and financial support. You guys are so lucky to have someone who is there for you because they love you for you, treasure that relationship always because being alone is much harder.

I wish you all an enjoyable Easter weekend even if you don't celebrate it ( I merely eat the Easter eggs!!) and time off from work if you have it.

March 29, 2018

Peggy, that first mothers' day is hard. Let me share mine. I was working as a consultant and worked from home except for 1 week a month when I had to travel on site. I was in a team of 3... two females, one male and a person that was assigned to "oversee" us. As it turned out the week of mothers'day was supposed to be on site and we had to travel on Sunday to be there first thing Monday morning. The other female tossed a fit about traveling on mothers' day and since she was a mother she deserved consideration and should not have to travel that week. She went to the hospital director and the supervisor and they all all agreed to give her her way. When I asked "what about me?" the guy that was the "overseerer" said ---"your kid is dead so you will be here". He was also the one that told me after 3 weeks I should have been over it. It takes all kinds. Since I had to travel to Houston as they demanded I have not been able to have a mothers' day with my daughter, who is alive and well, since. They moved that Sept to Wyoming.

March 29, 2018

Lost almost all of my previous post. GRRRRrrrr . Something crazy going on. Anyone

else having problems posting? I had keying of this plus sign.. ++++++++ (that I didn't type),

crazy mouse that I couldn't control, and pages going all over the place. :angry: Oh well, I

hope it's done being crazy!