Loss of an Adult Child

[Mermaid Tears]

Everyone will grieve in their own unique way....just as their child is unique. For me.....it was the change in how I observed 'time'.....it seemed as if the 'tick-tock' of my life was changed and I could not fathom how it changed or what I could do to make 'time' seem normal again. It was months later I understood that when I lost John David....'that moment in time' froze in place...that from there on....'time' was kept in a 'before and after'.....'that was then...this is now'......one foot in the world where he lived....another foot in a world where he did not walk on this earth home. It caused lots of unbalance. I had to embrace the 'new normal'....new way of telling time. I still do to this day.

[shorty16]

My friends,

I am sorry I cannot respond to each and everyone of you.  I am so tired when I get home from work,

Please know I think of you everyday.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[My girl is in heaven]

I have been getting grief counselling from a chaplain/ grief counsellor since a few months after my daughter died (almost 7 yrs) and I just recently started a new psychiatrist.  So I will pass on any tidbits that I have found helpful in a general sense of grieving so maybe someone might get some comfort from them.  I always feel guilty if I have a piece of pizza, hug our kitty, generally taking any sense of enjoyment in life at all and I feel like I have left Kira without a mama for almost 7 yrs.  I should be there by now. Chaplain tells me they do not measure time in heaven like we do here. It is eternity time. They can wait til our time comes.  She also said they have no need or desire for the things they enjoyed on earth. They aren’t missing pizza or petting thier cat.  God promises there are no tears, pain or sorrow. So I don’t have to worry she doesn’t have her favourite mitts....the red Olympic ones, cause her hands might be cold. The psychiatrist appt. was mostly history taking for the first appt but he said to me that the antidepressants will help with the depression, but the grief has to be worked thru..there is no pill for grief.  I always thought the numbness of pills was taking away my grief but it just puts it on hold ...u cant run from it.  And something I figured out for myself was grief was like being out in a boat, sometimes you see the waves coming so you can brace for it (like birthdays, holidays, angel dates) other times the waves come from behind with no notice and totally engulf the boat ( seeing thier favourite food in grocery store, hearing one of thier songs on radio or running into one of thier friends ).  These are just some things  that have helped me, I hope they help somebody else too.  Luanne

Oh also chaplain told me today when you have upsetting or bad thoughts think of them being on a tape and put it up n a high shelf where you won’t look at them. 

 

Luanne. Kira’s mama

[My girl is in heaven]

Hey angel date friend.  No worries. As long as we know your ok.  I feel guilty you guys that are still working and yet I couldn’t handle it. I remember how tiring it was to work all day and then supper and house chores. Thanks for letting us know you are still here. 

 

[MargeeTx]

I had chocolate for dinner tonight.   Not CRAZY, right?

 

XXOO margarett 

[NiquesMom]

Feeling anxious... dropped off my vhs tapes to be converted to dvd,  they called they are ready, getting them tomorrow,  will hear my moms voice for the first time in 19 years,  really excited but I know I will be crying buckets.  Still waiting for my daughter to come visit me,  only dream I had of her was a bad dream,  she was a zombie.  

[Tommy's mum]

susan love those quotes I always find some healing in them or something to reflect over.

virginia that is exciting and it will be amazing to hear your mum's voice again. Just know you will probably slide back a bit after you see them as it is a painful reminder of who you lost it will supercharge your emotions for sure. She is with your precios girl and they are fine. Dream visitations are not always forthcoming I have dreamed of Tommy only a couple times but there was no visit from beyond just dreams. There are other signs that come but they are infrequent too.

margarett I tell my kids chocolate comes from a plant so its really a vegetable! chocolate especially dark choc is good for several things including depression so go for it. I know it is really hard to self care when you are so depressed.

just had a call from my sister my dad has had a small stroke this morning and is in hospital. They are doing all the tests and he will stay overnight. Wow that was a shocker you dont see your parents aging when you see them really often and both my parents are very active and pretty fit on the whole. He is very overweight and has just had a bowel polyp removed last week but has not been in a hospital since about 1980 so he is not happy. So I wait at home for news the waiting is the worst isn't it? Gotta go

[peggy a sad mom]

tommy's mum hope he is getting better. margarett i love choc. i have had it for dinner and i'm sure i will again. i have lost 20 lb since my son passed 7 weeks and 4 days ago.it's just that we ate together every night one night he cooked one night i cooked. yes we had fast foods. but right now i have no desire to eat the foods we always did. my husband works till 9 pm at night and he cooks on his 2 days off. i eat but not a lot. mermaid tears you are right i walked into a meeting and the same thing happened. as i understood that will be me one day i just couldn't help losing it any way. i think they all understood. tommy's mum (lesley) you are always so helpful i wish you strength more strength that is

peggy

[TearsInHeaven]

Lesley, positive thoughts for your dad. I am sure you know the thought that a small stroke is a wake up call.  Your dad has  a good chance to reverse some of the issues he had no idea he had.  He has a good nurse in the family and I am sure you will get him on track for recovery and prevention.  Sending you and your mom strength and your dad healing ability.

Virginia, that is pretty cool to have your vhs converted to dvd.  I have thought of doing that so often and just never did.  My husband had some V8 (I think they were  called) transferred to vhs so long ago. I am sure these dvds will be priceless for you.  I have not had a visitation dream from my son.  I have dreamed alot of him...as a child...a teen..an adult but nothing I can call a visitation.  I too had nightmares about a month ago and they lasted 2 weeks.  It was awful. Susan's description of a visitation is one I would give anything to experience.  Say...good to see you added a permanent signature! Such a tender quote.

Susan, what nice things to say and your words and thoughts are appreciated.  I really like working and would do anything to go back.  However, I also have accepted that the market is flooded with consultants in my line and after not working you are looked upon like a pariah. I tried to get a job at Childrens' Hospital in Chicago with limited on site time but no luck. So here I am looking my age in the face and trying to accept my fate. But thank you for such kind words.

Leah, Samantha, hope you guys are doing okay.

[peggy a sad mom]

dianne you are very sweet to everyone. thank you

peggy

[ericasmom]

Lesley, I hope your Dad gets better soon...I never got to see my parents as they aged as they disowned me...but I am sure it is hard on you to see him as robust and strong and now weakened by this. Prayers....

[Mermaid Tears]

Virginia......a few months ago my son-in-law....(who I think hung the moon)....dropped off two DVDs of his and my daughter's wedding and one of different family Spring Break vacations....I knew instinctively that I could not watch them...but put them aside...knowing that there would come a day when I was strong enough in heart and soul to watch them. Knowing my parents...and some dear friends...and John David was on them...knowing it would be a crying jag again. Then there was that Sunday....when they left Veto with me..we were alone...and for some reason...I knew I wanted to watch them with him in my arms. So I put them in....and while I rocked him...gave him a bottle...and kept him in my arms while he slept....I watched....sometimes tears rolled down my face....silently....sometimes there was a laugh from me....sometimes smiles. I have no answers of why I had the courage on that day.... that baby boy gave me enough resilience to watch it through without dissolving...but I am glad I could take a look at a time in my life when it was Camelot.

Now....this happened in the 5th year of my grief journey. There is no need to rush any part of your grief journey. Put things aside....not away....and there will come a time when you can deal with the past. Just listen to your heart.

[My girl is in heaven]

This is for all you newbies.

 

[My girl is in heaven]

And this one too

[My girl is in heaven]

..sorry one more

if you are new in grief,

please understand that those of us who have found our way

were once where you are.

Lean on us, trust in the process of fully grieving your loss

with the comfort and support of others

who have walked through our doors feeling hopeless and helpless

but who now can be there for you. 

 

 

Just so you know I’m not to the other side like some who are wiser and been on this journey longer like dee, sherry, or others. But I know by listening to you I’m not a newbie either.  Guess I’m a middle-me.  And I am absolutely astonished that I’m still alive going into 7 years.  I honestly and truly had no plans to be here even 7 Hours or days after my daughters death let alone 7 years.  I know that if I could do it you guys can too.  You pick and claw thru every day, but it can be done dear friends, it can be done.  

Luanne, Kira’s mama

[ericasmom]

Right On Louanne. There is no easy way through grief, but yes, if I found my steps through grief and found a way to live with grief and loss a piece of my spirit, not forgotten but knitted into me, sewn into my heart, then it is something you will do as well. Not easy nor even wanted, but truly necessary to do, to find a way. And while you may be in the middle Louanne, you have come a long long way.

Susan, love your screenshots too, and yes, I can somehow feel the strength you felt while holding Veto, he was there for you to nurture and he nurtured you right back, allowing you the space and strength to watch those videos. Blessings.

[ericasmom]

Tangible things

 

They are the possessions we hang on to

long after the event.

The prom dress, yellow satin,

the first skating skirt, double tiered.

her trophies and report cards,

her favorite dolls

and her lefty mitt,

all packed in boxes.

Holy and sacred.

They are things,

the touchstones that I cherish and protect

 

[InHeavensKeeping]

Thank you for wishing me well. My day was so hard as I know it is must have been for many but it was the 11th too.  Every 11th I relive that day. We went up to the scene and on the way back I had a panic attack. Then stopped at Peters grave and then onto James’s grave where my mum has just been buried and it was The  First Mother’s Day without my mum.

Charlotte met us the beach with the dogs for a walk. Gemma was away.  Emotions are so mixed with the missing James the unfairness and that broken feeling and then treasuring and be so grateful for my girls a beautiful grandchildren but I seem to always be comparing it’s  exhausting and with the added  build up and the day.  

God Bless Thank you Georgina x

 

[ericasmom]

Georgina it must be exhausting, and for that I wish I could be there to lean on. Yes, we live in two worlds for a long while, one foot in each, and while grieving we often then give thanks for that which we have and cherish. The yin/yang.

[Mermaid Tears]

I have that poem, Dee....it is very special to me....you posted it around the first year I came on this site....and there was you....knowing how I felt about the tangible things...that become sacred...those small material items...that a Mother holds...

Georgina...I do hope you are keeping a close watch on your physical state and body ....as your spiritual emotions run rampart. You have had so many health issues...and I hope you find a balance with your grief and your blessings. It is a slippery slope...but one can find their footing in the circle of love with your children who love and hold you close. Please be very good and kind to yourself and allow yourself some comfort in all the arms that love and can hug you. Healing comes when we allow others to love and care for us.

[Sholl1955]

Hello all,

The days leading up to today have been kind of tough.  Today marked the 6th anniversary of Sarah's death.     I think the loss of our dear friend Heather in December has made this so hard this year.   I got a call from Rachel about noon and she has been having some serious GI problems and saw the gastoenterologist for follow up on some tests today.    He told her that she needs to go to Cleveland Clinic for follow up and more testing.  Sure not the best day to get that news.   Am worn out physically and emotionally tonight.   No enegy left.

Sandy

[Tinay]

Hi. I have a question. My son wants to live in Toronto. I'm looking to my Canada friends to tell me how this happens. I can't explain how he thinks this will happen or how or what he needs to do. Can anyone tell me the process?

As far as how I am doing? It's a denial plain and simple denial I don't know how else to get through. A girl I work with had lost your son older lady she had made a comment to me that you do whatever you need to do not even think about it just live your days. That's what I'm doing I don't know if it's right I don't know if it's wrong but I think I've done that since November.  The conversation with my niece where I'm dramatic. After talking with my other niece she has said that her sister told her the same thing about watching her son she's dramatic what I'm guessing is her it's her coping mechanism.  I've read over what I just said and it doesn't really make any sense. Hopefully someone else can. But probably not. I'm lost I am totally lost

Today is my dad's birthday. When my daughter Kiona was little both her and my dad celebrated their birthdays together a lot of memories.  I have a lot of pictures I wrote my dad letter in his card I still have to mail it I couldn't go up and celebrate his birthday it would have been sad celebration for me. I wouldn't have been able to celebrate him. It would have been me remembering those birthdays it wouldn't have been Fair.  Everything I'm saying seems conjumbled. I hope someone else understands. I have totally died inside. On the outside I'm ok  just going through day by day playing the game that I'm okay I'm not...

 

[ericasmom]

Sweetest Sarah, please move between your Children, your Momma, your Sister, and nieces and nephews to let them know that there is an ANGEL in the house, in their lives. Always let them know when you are near so that they can rest on this knowledge. Give extra hugs to your Mom as she both mourns your leaving, but holds up her friend in that same loss.

 

Sandy my dear, I am holding you close and wishing on the stars that glistened this morning while I walked, to make sure you feel your Girl close. She will always be your Girl. Now I send prayers that Rachael is fine and that her tests prove good health.

[ericasmom]

Tina, I don't think that moving to Canada is as easy as it used to be back in the 1970's. I am sure that he can look it up as to the process. As far as not making sense or making sense, don't worry, we can read between the anguish...you are feeling so much anguish right now. We understand that and there is no wrong way to grieve, just as long as you are not harming yourself in the process. You are lost and we were lost too, sometimes even later on the road, we feel lost again, but we find our way with more ease later on. So for me, I could not pretend, had to know all that I could and face it head on, that was my only way of finding my steps...we are all of us different but we are sure of one thing, nothing takes our Child from our hearts or memories. They will always be our child. I think it was smart of you Tina, to not try to celebrate something that you knew would only serve to make you falter...

[TearsInHeaven]

Tina, don't worry about the jumble as I think of it as Grief Shorthand.  You are coming up to a difficult time this coming week so know that the most compassionate and positive thoughts are with you. I am sure your dad understands where you are right now and he too is surely missing Kiona and reliving lots of memories. Hold on tight. I don't know what it takes to move to Canada and live but I did see this website http://traveltips.usatoday.com/move-us-canada-63923.html 

Dee, such a true and moving poem.

Sandy, think of you my fellow Hoosier and knowing that SARAH will find a way to whisper in your ear.

[peggy a sad mom]

i am sure i am a newbie. today at work and especially on the way home i said this is it i just can't do this another day. i looked up grief counseling today never would i think i would do that. there is just no where to beg for help cause all i want is him back and please tell me it's a dream. i just can't take any more. everything reminds me of him. not to sound crazy but when he was here everything was always about him too. i thought of him for everything. i never even knew how much i thought of him in a day until this happened. i just can't picture myself feeling even a little better. if i'm going to i can't wait. i hate going to work i just want to lay in bed but!!!! i would love to quit but so many people said don't make a big moves while you are grieving. i do listen to everyone. well i am just in so much pain it's hard to live on but yes i'm trying

thanks 

peggy

[ericasmom]

Peg, if you don't need to work for the income, then I would say take a leave of absence if allowed or quit...sometimes quitting something that is making grief worse, is what is best. Only you can know, we do say nothing too big the first year especially, but heck, if the money is not needed for life itself, for your home...

[peggy a sad mom]

its not really the money but it is the medical cause then i would have to pay for it without the job. it is just so hard

 

[TearsInHeaven]

Peggy, working after this loss is so difficult and there is no easy answer.  Seeking grief counseling can help. It is 3 years and 4 months for me and my first thought EVERY morning is "Michael has died".  Brutal, not something I planned but there it is.  I worked about 2 years after I lost him but I worked from home so when I fell apart no one was the wiser.  I took my meetings via phone so I just had to push through that.  I know not everyone can do that.  And my company didn't give bereavement leave because I was consulting. I did work with another consultant who was about 12---mentally--- and he once called me on my day off and I had been crying.  It was 3 weeks after my loss.  His comment----I thought you would be over that by now! I know most places give 3 days like what is that even for... get over it in 3 days!!!!! #!###?## Of course, Ronnie is on your thoughts every minute. You are at such an early time there is not even a moment to process your loss yet. I do a lot of reading on a site called"What's Your Grief".  they have so many topics and I pick and choose whatever my heart might need. I found this article on returning to work if you are interested.   I will tell you that when I wasn't working even though two years had passed, I found that it was more like regressing in my grief.  Everyone has different thoughts and opinions about this.  It just depends on what not only works for you, what you can handle emotionally and financially. There are also some companies that while they have the 3 day rule, HR can work with other options.    https://whatsyourgrief.com/going-back-to-work-after-a-death/     http://stillstandingmag.com/2015/02/returning-worklife-loss/      I have a quiet arm around your shoulders.

[ericasmom]

Ahh yes, Peg, the medical insurance is a big one that dictates our decisions. I sure do get that. Dianne, how nice for you to attach the article, and ideas. I wish we could be a group who helps reform the world's view of bereavement, so that companies and employers everywhere helps yo to find a time and a place in which to do your job but with changes and breaks built in to allow for grief. Again, where I work, I would have been given 3 or 4 days for mourning, Erica was killed in the summer so i had 5 weeks before school began again. yOur statement Peg, is so true for so many of us, that you did not even know how all of your thoughts surrounded your Son as you realize now...that is a realization that parents have, and it slaps you silly in these early months of grief. How indeed do we move forward from this place...slow but sure, one baby step at a time. A great book, though not about grief, but about writing, is called Bird By Bird...the boy put off doing his bird report until it was nearly due, asked his dad in terror, " how will i get this done?" He was hoping Dad would intervene...Dad said, " bird by bird." Hang on Peg, one tiny step at a time, and I consider each day you have stayed on this earth past Ronnie is a big step, each day a big step, and the little steps are the ways you find your footing in each day. Coming here, finding us, BIG STEP. Even though you feel like hell, you are making your way Sweetie.

[Mermaid Tears]

Peggy.....(by the way that is one of my favorite names).....I want you to know that many on this site will be shaking their heads in agreement....for all that you are experiencing is what we all have experienced....and still do on many levels. On different days....I am up...down....in between. I think as a parent....we all circle our children like a sun...and that comes natural....it is in our DNA....it is an instinct given to us to care and protect our child. I, too, still have that 'Mommie instinct' to do...care...give...plan...help...my children...even though they are adults. It is ingrained in the fabric of my life. I am not as 'needed' now as when they are young....but I feel honored in that they come/call when they are faced with problems...bad situations...uneasy circumstances...even advice on buying houses...and how to get kids to do chores  etc. We so understand that having those simple...common everyday activities with your child....suddenly become 'those sacred moments'. It is hard to get past those remembered moments without having a colossal breakdown. What you are feeling....is very NORMAL.

For some reason....I would/could have a massive meltdown in the grocery store....I was an 'ok' cook...none of my 6 children were hungry or have malnutrition...but I was a simple cook....now...John David was this AMAZING cook/chef/grocery store buyer.....how many, many times did we go to the grocery store together and he would give me a shopping class...how to pick out the best tomatoes...(I would just throw the ones on the top in a sack)...what kind of cuts of meat to buy for certain dishes...what spices to buy for certain dishes..etc. I grant you....and I told him...he did not get that DNA from me. So there in the aisles of HEB....were many memories....of doing the most mundane and common daily chores of daily life.....and I lost count of the times I started shopping....but...would become so overwhelmed with emotion...(crying jag coming on)...I would leave the cart with the items I had shopped for...and get out of the store. When I found this site....I realized...I wasn't going crazy....I was in deep mourning...and everything I was experiencing was NORMAL for a grieving parent.

I am extremely proud of you for seeking help...looking up a grief counselor....I think having a human to human meeting will give you some comfort. Nothing will cure the grief...but it can only help. I wish everyone on this site could have the counselor/therapist that Dee had/has.....not over medicating a grieving parent....that only makes them get 'stuck' in their grief.

I don't know what to say about your job....can you have a private chat with your boss/supervisor and let them be aware of the tough time you are having and let you take a week/weeks off or maybe cut your hours for a month ? I don't know what you do...or what your career is....so it is hard for us to give you our spin on this. Maybe the grief counselor will have more answers for you for I am sure you are not the first one with this situation.

We all know that feeling of simply breaking apart....

[NiquesMom]

Watched the news yesterday and saw the bridge collapse in Florida.   My first thought was "why couldn't i have been there?" I instantly felt bad because all those families have just been torn apart,  and I know my son needs me.  But that was my first thought. 

[ericasmom]

Susan, Anne Lamott is the woman i just quoted: Bird by Bird. That is one of her books, my favorite of hers by the way, but she has written many, the second  favorite of mine is Traveling Mercies, which does address faith and hope and loss very well.

[ericasmom]

Virginia, I saw the bridge collapse and i felt so sad for all the families whose lives changed in that horrid moment. And I get it, but i am glad you were not there, there are others here who need your presence...I realize too, that my saying that feels like pressure to you, but I meant it in a most loving way.

[peggy a sad mom]

diane thank you for the concern and the articles. i work in retail i am entitled to 3 days off they gave me five with pay which was very nice. i also received an additional week without pay. i went back to work after two weeks and yes it was hard. i not only work with my regular employees but i also deal with at least 25 vendors a day. tomorrow is 8 weeks for me everyone has been great yes the first week was bad because some people come in on different days of the week. today was the first pretty good day i had at work. my son always text me everyday at work. i still look at my phone everyday for him. today i checked my phone i had no idea what time it was i looked at the time i checked it for a message and the time was 1012.. that is my son's birthday i smiled with some tears but it helped me to focus a little better. in retail there is always someone waiting in the wings to snatch up your job so you can't give them a reason to let someone get it. mermaid and dee thank you so much you two have helped me so much in the last 8 weeks. thanks for everything 

peggy 

[peggy a sad mom]

virginia i get it i swear i do. every minute is different. your son needs you, you have to know that. i don't have any other children so i don't know what it would be like for me. i am a wreck so i might be in the same boat as you. are you on meds?

peggy

[ericasmom]

Hugs Peg, we are here for you and all here, it is a new kind of family...a home of sorts for those of us whose hearts have been shattered and for those of us who mended our hearts in ways that allow the ache to sit next to the joy, a nest of memories sits right between those two places. I love that you looked at the time and it was your Son's birthdate...signs are gifts.

[NiquesMom]

 Hi Peggy, I am not on meds.  Maybe I should be.  I see a counselor,  go to support group,  and talk with all of you.  I thought I was doing good for 12 weeks.  Maybe I am not. 

[Rebekahs mom]

Virginia--as long as you feel good is the only thing that can guide you

 As i have seen before everyone has their own grief experiences. Im 12 weeks tomorrow and feeling more depressed these days.  I recognize it now. I am on meds as well as coucilling.

I hope you are doing well. 

[MargeeTx]

Hey everyone:   I got the autopsy report yesterday.  And I have not stopped crying since I read it.  So I guess I have been storing up tears and snot since January 23rd.  The report brought no surprises whatsoever....it was a pulmonary embolism/ cardiac arrest.  Everything else was normal and healthy.  I will write more when I can see the keyboard.

XXOO margarett 

[ericasmom]

Virginia, the first huge layer of shock wore off for me at around this mark in your journey as well. I went to school where I work, had been doing okay-ish, but of course heart-sick but work helped me have a daily purpose, and because I work with third graders, their needs and my obligation took all of my attention while with them. But one morning, I was overcome with panic and heart ache that wrenched me, twisted my heart into a pretzel, I called my husband and said that i might have to come home, that I was in so much anguish. He talked me down some, but that next week was hard, it was as though the shock that I really did not realize was still protecting me, had disappeared. I learned more about the layers of shock then, which was good, and at around 6 months I lost another layer but was less terrified by it as I knew I could live through it. That first one though, at around 12 or 13 weeks, was huge. Hang on, you are making the steps needed to get from here to a better day, it will take time but you are doing it, it just doesn't feel like it right now. In about 2 weeks, I want you to look back over your shoulder, look back to see the many steps you have made, the strides through the thick terrain of grief. You will see that you are moving forward.

[ericasmom]

This last post just got posted though written yesterday, it disappeared and then reappeared like magic...

Margee, goodness knows that even though the coroners report was kind of what you expected it to be, it is still shockingly hard to see it all in print, makes things so very real. Hang on Sister!

Leah, are you around and are you okay? We haven't heard from you in a long while and you were not feeling great...

[TearsInHeaven]

Not much to say 

 

 

 

[peggy a sad mom]

virginia no i am not saying at all you should be better then you are. i am on meds and i want to die everyday. i have been a little better at work but i run to the ladies room or outside when i know it's going hit. i don't even feel like i will ever be better then this. i said omg on the 20th is two months i just can't believe it is two months. i don't know where the two months went to it really truly does feel like yesterday. but i can tell you god it still hurts so much. margarett i haven't even mailed mine in yet i am so afraid. you start to think so many things at this point. 3 days before he passed i heard him arguing with his girlfriend on the phone. i raised the tv so i wouldn't know what it was about. he loved her so much way to much more like obsessed with her. suppose it happened again when i wasn't here suppose he did it to himself omg i just can't believe it. if i ever found that out i would be a lot worse. og god i hope not. at first i said it doesn't matter how i will never get him back. still true but i would have to know

thanks

peggy

[ericasmom]

Peg, that pain is a long time piece, we know. It will hurt more if you find out what you dread finding out...was his girlfriend someone you can talk to about this?

[peggy a sad mom]

thanks dee. yes i can but she is in and out of the hospital since it happened. i am just waiting for the detective to call me i will give him a little more time. i am sure he has spoken to her and their friends by now. she knows how i am without him. she knew what he meant to me and she knows now i'm not doing to good. i really just don't know!

 

[Jeff's Mom]

It is such a difficult situation as to facing the reality of reading the actual details of the autopsy. As a parent we want to know every last detail. Still once out in the open it can not be taken back. How difficult it is to see that report. We waited for a very long time to finally have the opportunity to review it. Our family physician requested it and sat down with us to go over the details. I never actually read it personally. I did not want to read the medical stuff that I would not understand. At the end he basically put it down and looked at us. Told us directly that physically there was no reason that he had to die. He was as healthy as one would expect for a young man his age. I was broken to the core hearing that. Still it does not change the outcome. He is gone and we had to work very hard over a very long time to find a place in our lives that made us feel more comfortable. We have. I would give anything to go back and change the hands of time to the day before it happened. I can't. I know he is at peace. I miss him more than any word in the English language can adequately convey. I talk to him about all kinds of things. I know that while he is out of sight his spirit still shines brightly and he walks alongside me all of the way.  I read this in our local paper today and want to share with you because it is truly relevant to how we feel on this site.

If you love something, love it completely, cherish it, say it,

but most importantly show it.

Life is finite and fragile, and just because something is there one day, it might not be the next.

Never take that for granted.

Say what you need to say, then say a little more. Say too much, show too much. Love too much.

Everything is temporary but love.

Love outlives us all.

This was written under the obituary of a young man in our local paper today. How true.

[Jeff's Mom]

I have been reading this past week but not up to posting. To everyone new on the site I agree wholeheartedly  in what Dee said about everyone being a sort of family here. While we are all at various stages in our loss we can communicate with each other in a way that only someone who has lost a child can truly understand. The early stages are terrible. The important thing is to reach out for any form of support that honestly gives you comfort. Lean on those that will listen. It is an uphill battle with each and every day. At some point you will begin to see that the load begins to lighten. It takes a huge amount of time and energy and patience. But it does improve. Hold on with both hands.

Lesley, how is your father doing? How is your ankle?

Leah, I am thinking of you ... and I hope that if you are able you will let us know how you are. We care.

Sherry, I miss those spring reports of your farm updates. Hope you are well.

LouAnn, 11 games left for the Jets.

Dianne, are you still watching hockey? 

To any Irish on the site...Happy St. Patrick's day! My granddaughter was born in Dublin. My  fathers Mom was Irish. I guess everyone is Irish on St Paddy's Day. I have to smile... as my husband comes from Scottish heritage and I always give him a hard time about the bagpipes. Actually the Irish pipes are by far the only truly pure way to hear them played properly. Along with Irish dancing. Notice they keep their hands at the side and this does not take away focus from the highly skilled footwork. Whereas the Scots have to fling them over their heads providing a distraction. 

[MargeeTx]

My dear friends:   I KNEW in my heart of hearts that the autopsy report was going to make Jason's death real for me.  I think I have been in some type of unreal zone sine January 23rd.  All 12 pages, I have now memorized.  And, I did not know that my body was capable of crying so much.  And, to make things,worse,  one of my best friends in the whole world died last night.  She was on hospice, and had been very sick, particularly the past few weeks.  It was strange... about 4 pm yesterday, I called her daughter to check on her...then she called me a couple of hours later, and she had died.  For some reason, I feel as if I am in some kind of death zone. I spent a couple of hours outside today, and found 6 white feathers.  I know Jason sent them to me.  Jeremy gets back from Costa Rico Monday night.  I can't wait to see him, Natalie and Carson and Ryder.  I need a big hug from all of them.  Mike is kinda keeping his distance from me because all I am doing is crying.  He will come up and give me lots of hugs.  But he doesn't have a clue how to help me.  No one can help.  I just have to go through it...I know that.  What I do know is that so many of you have survived...I will too.  How I do not know.  But I will.

thank you all for listening.

XXOO margarett 

[Jeff's Mom]

Margarett, I am sorry to hear about your friend. You have had so much heartache to deal with this past while. I am amazed at how well so many of you are doing after such a short period of time. The very fact that you are able to talk openly about your loss is a huge step in the right direction. The first two years are by far the hardest. I hope that you will give yourself the credit that you deserve... as you all should for getting up each day and putting one foot in front of the other. Unless someone has gone through this they do not know how monumental an effort it is. Having your family surround you with their support today will also provide a much needed comfort. My Dear, it takes a very long time to absorb the reality of what has happened. Make sure you are taking good care of yourself. Hang on.