Loss of an Adult Child

[TearsInHeaven]

Samantha, good to see you out there and hoping you are maintaining during this difficult time.

I can say that I honestly feel reaching out to others here or knowing there are those here who hear me when I am sad has been the best therapy I could have asked for while trying to wrap my spirit around my loss.  Like all of us I so wish I had never had reason to belong to this community but I know I could not have found a better place to land when my world was shaken in a way I never could have imagined.  Baggage... I never think of baggage.  Those of you who know I always speak of my black bag.  It is a bag I have carried as far back as I can remember...earliest thoughts at age 8.... and in that bag I put all the bad, sad, scary things that have ever happened to me. I leave them there.  Maybe a therapist would call it baggage.  I don't know and in my education I only took the basics of psychology.  Maybe closing that bag is my way of surviving. Funny though I never "think" of carrying it, it is just always with me.  Wow... guess I was in need of a psychological cleansing....

[ericasmom]

Funny Dianne, it is saying one thing in several ways, I think of carrying our life issues around with us, (black bag) until we incorporate them and then they just become a piece of us...being abused as a kid became a piece of who I am...not a happy piece but nonetheless, an important piece that makes me, ME. As a kid, I learned to pretend through the abuse, find ways to fantasize through the years and eventually, learned to face the terror and let go of the abusers and learn to carry it with me until I could find it knitted in to my system, to my heart, next to t he good sits the sad/bad things, in this way, we honor the many ways we are who we are.

 

[Tommy's mum]

some of you brave parents dee and dianne had a huge additional burden of wrongs done to them in their childhood and have risen above the abuse to become stable kind and thoughtful adults who gave their all to their children to ensure they grew up loved and safe wow what a legacy. I hate that happened to you both but I am very grateful for your caring and wise input on this forum. The fact you can open up to others and share your life is commendable as it must be painful. Both of you have played a major part in healing others here on our forum and I am so grateful to both of you.

peggy the first year was the worst for me but I have some hazy memories of a lot of it because I was so mentally ill. The second year for me was also really hard because I was more aware of the fact that Tommy would never come home again and each family gathering was a huge loss. I will be entering my third year and I see how far I have come but I still have emotional pitfalls. the loss of my eldest son will always be heartbreaking for me i will miss him for the rest of my life until we are reunited once again that is a fact. I just have to work on being a stronger and better person for the years I still have and make my boy proud because I am still standing. People who have not been through what we all have will never understand that your heart hurts every single day and there is always that sadness underneath everything you do even when you are happy. All I can say peggy is that you will emerge the otherside eventually emotionally battered and bruised but still standing like we all are. thank goodness we have this wonderful resource so we can share and have our children remembered and honoured and our inner selves understood.

sarah glad you posted. use the faith you have to offer you comfort and know we are here for you too whenever you want to post.

bonnie don't think we have met before but I am glad you are able to offer your friend the gift of this forum knowing she will be welcomed and cared about. That speaks for itself the value this group of special people bring to bereaved parents.

 

[My girl is in heaven]

Amen Dee, you summed it up perfectly. And you are one of the most courageous and inspiring people I have ever known.  You too dianne.  U didn’t let it take the rest of your lives away. 

 

Luanne,   Kira’s mom 

[My girl is in heaven]

I guess maybe it’s a sad commentary on my life, but the NHL playoffs start tonight and with exception of my boys, this is as good as happy gets for me, but none-the-less it does make me happy, so I’m grateful for it.  Of course in a month when it’s over I’ll go thru my yearly hockey withdrawal til October but I have bought a new trivia hockey hall of fame book that should last me for a bit.  Saturday nights growing up was a bag of chips, bottle of pop from the local grocers split between 7 of us and the Toronto maple leafs game. I guess I’m thinking this will be the first year my dad won’t be here to watch the play offs .  I hope they have TVs in heaven.  

Kate, go leafs go for tomorrow night, but for tonight it’s go Jets go.  I already got my Pjs on , I don’t want to miss even a commercial.  Happy watching.  

Luanne... Kira’s mama 

 

[TearsInHeaven]

Luanne, Kate, I am watching also!

Thanks, Lesley and Luanne for such kind words.  And, just to say, while my mother did not care much for me, she was a wonderful grandmother to my children until they went to college.

Peggy,  don't worry about the second year right now.  Just get through this one day at a time now.  Grief is a snarky devil...it changes forms so many times in the blink of an eye. Right now it is in the all consuming, raw pain . It changes and somehow you will change too... somehow the tools you need change and the next day comes.  Let your grief come but as time goes forward, let that grief know that while your heart will always yearn for Ronnie, with him in your heart you will survive.

Margarett, Sarah, hope you all are managing.

[ericasmom]

With him in your heart, you will survive...beautifully put Dianne.

And yes, thanks Lesley and Luanne, nothing nice about abusive parents or people in our lives, but if we have had it, share it, to help someone else if possible...I have a good eye/heart for those children I meet, I can usually pick it up rather easily when someone has been abused. So to use what was bad to help others...is good. I agree Peggy, with Lesley, my first year was my absolute worst, and I agree with Dianne, just don't even think about further down the road than tomorrow and the next day...eventually they will make your way across the first year and you will see the strength that you used to get there. You will be able to look over your shoulder and see the war-torn days and nights and then the days that had a bit of sun, then more...like others have said, there is sadness just under each smile, it can't be helped when we suffer such a loss as ours...but there will be smiles, there will be laughter. Not now, not for a long while perhaps, but there will. Luanne, love that hockey is giving you some smiles, that makes me smile..

Bonnie came here years ago to grieve her Boy, her only Child, and she and I were lucky enough to meet one summer in Minnesota along with Colleen and three other Moms from the site...it was a heart-gathering for sure. Bonnie, when you feel like it, tell those that do not know you what you have been up to the last several years.

[NiquesMom]

I have such a peace in my heart,  i have not cried in a week, I have been able to talk to nique without crying. Is this a lull? Am I going to break down and feel worse than I did? Have I made it through to the other side? I was able to play a game with my son,  I laughed,  I am actually looking forward to going on vacation tomorrow.  I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

[ericasmom]

Virginia, no matter if you melt down next week or not, enjoy the moment...if there is one BIG message we get after losing a Child:  live in this moment, this one. Not the next, live in that one when it comes. The fact that you felt peaceful, that you had fun with your Son, that you laughed, is all good news. And it also serves to show you that if it happened once, it will happen again. Go with it. If there is peace right now, ride on that peaceful trajectory. I am happy that you know its possibilities.

[TearsInHeaven]

Virginia, it is good to hear you could grab the moment... and sharing it with us is a good deal.  Nique taught you how to be a mom from the first minute she was put in your arms and she is jumping up and down and high fiving you and Kyle. There will be other shoes but for now just live for the moment.  Have a safe and interesting vacation.

[Tommy's mum]

virginia yes hold those precious moments and celebrate them they can sustain you in darker times. I am pleased for you. One day you realise you have not cried that day or you are able to deal with things without melting down totally or a few moments in your life that bring you a little happiness, and it feels so good. There will still be triggers or dates or occasions when you break down and bawl and that is fine totally normal but looking for and treasuring those little moments will help you in the long run. There is no magic time when this happens we are all different and have different stressors but it is that glimpse of light ahead that is so valuable. You just need to keep that light in your mind and keep on going.That is why time is so important to healing, time and educating yourself on grief and grief reactions. We have all googled and read articles on medical issues to gather knowledge and treatment so why not do the same with grief and depression? Understanding where you are and why you feel the way you do is key to getting better and seeking treatment options. There are several stages to grief but you may miss out one or two or stay longer at one stage or another or jump from one to another and then back again. All normal you go through what you go through and as long as you can allow yourself time to grieve and put thoughts to bed you will be fine. It cannot be skipped or hidden inside for ever.  Nique is not gone she is always with you, she sees and hears you and she will be so proud of your progress. kyle too will reap the rewards of having a happier mom.

luanne i love your passion for ice hockey, it is finding enjoyment in little things that allow us to move forward. You will have to come up with another passion for off season to occupy your mind and  bring a little ray of sunshine into your life. i think you mentioned volunteering a while back? that would be really good for your emotional health and self esteem seeing directly how giving your time to others is so worthwhile for you and for them.

[peggy a sad mom]

virginia good for you enjoy it. have a great vacation!

i think everyone gave you great advise.

thanks everyone i am not going to think about the second year god don't i have enough problems? 

peggy

[My girl is in heaven]

Virginia, yes like everyone is saying, enjoy that little crumb of happiness whenever it shows up.  Unfortunately there will always be something that will tug at your heart.

 I’m almost 7 years in and I have agonized over every grocery item that my daughter liked, time and time again.  At the beginning it was just like a stab in the heart to see a can of pringles or jar of Nutella.  It does lessen it’s grip as you go along.  But there I was today going to pick up a bag of popcorn in Walmart. As I did my eye immediately when to the expiration date which was June 19....which is my daughter s angel date. I looked thru every bag on the shelf and all had the same date.  So I just didn’t buy it. So even when you think there can’t be anything else left that grief can take another piece out of you,  there always is.  

Lesley or any of you other nurses I got a question.  Today I went for an ultrasound of my heart.  It took about 30 minutes and I could see everything on the screen. All the squigglely tracings and my heart beating. Red, blue colours flashing over different areas. All kinds of stuff which I don’t know anything about. I was just wondering even though Kira had no complaints of any kind of pain or symptoms so there would not have been a reason to take her to doctor, do you know if she had an ultrasound would that have shown up something that they could have caught in time, so she wouldn’t have got the arrthymia?  I just couldn’t help but think of that the whole time I was laying there.  It’s ok if you tell me yes, they could have seen it.  I’ve lived this in my head for years.  Thanks 

 

 

[My girl is in heaven]

Oh and I wanted to ask that lady if she could see if a heart was broken or not on that screen.  But I thought no, that would lead to questions I didn’t want to answer. 

[TearsInHeaven]

Luanne, sounds like you had an Echocardiogram---an ultrasound of the heart. These are done by cardiac sonographers who study and train to perform many tests on the heart using ultrasound. Without any prior symptoms for Kira she would not have had this test.  Some times an arrhythmia happens with no warning. Many people do not even have any symptoms so there is no way to detect this. Please don't work yourself up on the IFs. My clinical career had me involved with all sorts of imaging from a simple chest xray to a cardiac catherization and honestly the hardest thing for a patient---or parent --to accept is when the unusual happens.  Please put your mind to rest that Kira didn't know or feel anything.   Sometimes things happen within the body that just couldn't be detected ahead of time.

Just a look at what you might have seen on your test (without the labels ) The red is oxygen rich blood and the blue needs to go and get its oxygen replenished. The labels show the 4 chambers of your heart and the valves.

[My girl is in heaven]

Thanks Dianne. That’s exactly what I saw I thought that the red probably meant something bad.  But didn’t care too awful much if it was.  Then the line that goes up and down and then when your dead it goes flat.  There was one internist who told me that 100% for sure she felt no pain.  He said one minute she was showering and the next she was saying hey here I am in heaven.  It was a small crumb of comfort but as you know we grieving parents learn to live for those small crumbs.  I will never forget his words.  Thanks for explaining.  Now it makes a little sense. I go for results and maybe a stress and holster test on apr, 23rd.  I probably be asking u about that too.  Thanks.  

I wonder if there was ever a test to show how grief, agony and depression affects your inside ours would probably glow in the dark.  

[ericasmom]

Dianne, how nice of you to explain and show this...very helpful. I am glad that you were able to answer Luane's questions. Lu, those crumbs are what we grieving parents need, just little pieces in which to feel that our Kids are fine...not hurting or scared.

I went for a full work up about a year after Erz died...wanted to see if my heart was okay after all the ache and shock and pain...no test to determine how one's soul and spirit are following the loss of our Kids, but we know what it is to sweep together our pieces and remake our parts.

[daveydow1]

Dianne-----Thanks for the diagram of the ultrasound of the heart, and the explanation.  Yes...

things can happen to the body without any prior warning.  Sad, but true. 

 

Dee-----Nice day today.....70 degrees & breezy.  Denny was out there digging up his

plots for the upcoming garden season.   

HAPPY  BELATED  BIRTHDAY.....ERI....DEAR ANGEL IN HEAVEN.

 

WISHING  PEACE  AND   TRANQUILITY   TO   ALL  INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,   sherry

[Tommy's mum]

louann you do not get advanced testing done unless you are showing symptoms and many many people who die suddenly have shown no symptoms at all. My dad who was in hospital for his stroke had additional heart tests done because clots often originate in the heart and travel to the brain. he was found also to have an undiagnosed murmur and arrythmia. In his case his heart was skipping beats so his pulse was slowed down and he was given a pacemaker to fix it. If he had not already been in hospital it would not have been found at all. the doctor is correct Kira would have not known anything at all it would have been very quick and painless. Interestingly there is a heart condition called broken heart syndrome which can occur after huge stress but it is not that common. Stress and anguish can certainly add years to the body and can cause certain conditions to worsen in conjunction with lack of self care poor diet and sleep deprivation which is why it is important to try and keep yourself healthy. I am sure there are many of us who like me have additional wrinkles, grey hairs and a permanent sadness behind their eyes as a result of losing their child, but the invisible damage is all internal in the heart and soul.

sherry i wish i had someone to dig over my garden, this stupid ankle is very hampering. still I look at brochures and dream about what plants I may get later in the year.

peggy one day at a time my friend. margarett you doing ok?

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I am sharing this song today I found awhile back.  The song is performed (and written) by a homeless man. The words touched me the first time I viewed it. Today In the public comments I noticed a bereaved dad wrote in and shared the last words of his young son...here is the conversation between him and the person (IVlogBuzz1 who posted the song) in the comments:

Conversation March of 2018 on this youtube video:
a gun, car, money loving conservative1 month ago (edited)
Me and my girlfriend had a little baby son. He was the light of my life and he was never crying but he was laughing and smiling which made me feel like the best dam dad on earth. He died of testicular cancer. This song reminds me of him. This song is as beautiful as my son.
*********************
iVlogBuzz1 month ago
Oh my, I'm so sorry. Please tell us more about him, how old was he if I may ask?
*********************
a gun, car, money loving conservative1 month ago
He was 4 years old. He had a fascination with fast cars and he died 1 year ago almost. When he was born he wade 9.3 pounds. He had bright blue eyes and brown hair and was a very active kid
*********************
iVlogBuzz1 month ago
I can't begin to think how hard its been for you. Testicular cancer at such a young age... How are you and your family coping?
*********************
a gun, car, money loving conservative1 month ago
iVlogBuzz we are struggling to cope but we know he is in a better place and we feel like he is watching over us. I have autism and it lead me to trying to kill myself twice but failed but realised I even though this is life changing I can help people going through a same thing. 
My sons last words were " I may not be hear with you in a body but I'll be with you in hear as he was pointing to my heart. i don't know how he thought of such wise words at a young age. My house has had paranormal activity going on in it since he died but I know it's him so it makes me happy not scared.
*********************
iVlogBuzz1 month ago
Oh my, he sounds like such a special little boy. Very wise words from him are so touching... My thoughts are with you as I'm sure many viewers are too. 

Click on the link below to view the song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FhgZ4hBGJkY

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Kristen, thanks for sharing your photo of Skylar, he is very handsome. Thinking of you as you near his Heavenly Birthday/Angel Date. I read about the loss of your brother as well. I am sorry to  hear of that double loss for you...take good care of yourself!

Bonnie, it was good to see a post from you even though we never met. I am always amazed at how many people this forum has reached out to.

Kate, thanks for the update. I have to redo the flowers at Jesse's site as well. That and Taylor's site.

I agree with everything that was posted about the second year...for me and my family, the grief is softer, mourning is quieter and more internal.

Susan, thinking of you. 

[ericasmom]

Thanks for sharing both of these poignant pieces Laurie...that street performer has a lovely voice...Looks like you guys are in for some snow this weekend, us too a bit, andcold winds coming in to change this nice two days of mild...this tiny taste of spring to remind us that we will get more...it is just like early grief, it feels mostly like cold dark winter, but we get smidgens of good times, a laugh, a smile, a day without too much ache, so we know we will have more down the road.

Sherry, we had the temps yesterday that you had but today cooler and soon, rain, and two days worth of rain at that...

[My girl is in heaven]

Lesley.  Thanks. I don’t know if it would have mattered if Kira had died from a 100% no question cause or not.  I remember thinking while we were waiting for autopsy that it was maybe an aneurysm at least they would have seen that. But all I got was accidental drowning, always be open ended, possible sign of seizure, and then the cardiac arrthymia diagnosis.  I have stuck to the last one as I was promised she would not have suffered any pain. Only god knows what exactly happened in that bathroom.  It is hard for me cause I think ...ok heard the thud, ran upstairs, Evan got the door open , got her out of water...so she didn’t drown, my husband does immediate cpr, followed by the firemen with thier paddles...she would be here.  Why didn’t it happen like that. Went to my new psychiatrist for 2nd visit today and even though I thought I was mostly past the guilt the story just came blathering out, every detai along with tears. . He said I still have blockages that I’m still not getting past. But this is my third week of maintaining the gym and I am loving it.  So I am just taking comfort from that right now. I really like this dr. 

Sherry, r u kidding 70 and breezy.  Southern Ontario is supposed to get the worst storm we have had all winter this weekend....except it’s not winter it’s spring.  Very large swath of freezing rain starting tomorrow and Sunday too.  Saying there will probably be hydro out in a lot of areas.  If it’s as bad as they r calling for it will probably be on the news. Glad I’ve got lots of hockey to watch. Hey Kate good start for the Jets, and as I figured Toronto blew it.  Last time they won the cup I was 7.  Lol. Dianne u going for the Jets? I think Laine might take them there.  If we do get the storm I’ll send u some pictures.  Happy hockey watching. 

 

Luanne...Kira’s mama.

[ericasmom]

Luanne, so glad that you like the doctor, and that you like the gym...yes, there are still those blockages, and you will learn how to work through them, I know you will.

 

[ericasmom]

Here's to hoping that the USA attack on Syria tonight, just hits the weapons and planes but not any civilians...please Lord, the Syrians have dealt with so much pain and anguish. Prayers.

[Tinay]

It seems every time I post something then go post again I have to delete what was posted before. Frustrating. Anyway, I'll try something different

[Tinay]

Miss my baby girl so much. Seems I am quick to anger. I'm not usually that way. I have to step back and think before I react. Ugh. Hate this. I keep looking for signs of what I should do. Makes me angry that I look at why these woman are in prison and 90% of the are in for drugs and I keep wishing that I will see the girl who provided the alcohol that night in there. I don't really want her there but I wouldn't know if the 2 guys that layed her that way ever ended up in prison for some other reason. I have the access but don't look for it. I'm never going to get over what they did to my girl. Selfish, I don't give a crap. 

[Tinay]

[shorty16]

Tinay,

your daughter is beautiful.  And no, we will never "get over" the death of our child.  My son died car-surfing.   He climbed on the hood of a car, with another boy, and the driver applied the brake at 68 mph with 2 kids on the hood.  My son flew off the hood, hit the ground and was dead within minutes.  The other 2 boys walked away.

We never get over this.  We learn to weave this grief within our daily activities.

love to all

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[ericasmom]

Hey Colleen, how is your wintery weather right now? We have 35 mile per hour winds and rain and cold.

Colleen is right Tina, we never do get over it, we live with the love we will always carry and we move forward as best we can...remember that you are still early on this road, even though one day is too long without our Child...you are still early on in this grief, quick to anger is true for many of us early on...be kind to yourself and know that your BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER will be rooting for you. Is that enough? Of course not, but it what we have.

[TearsInHeaven]

Tina, Kiona is as beautiful as her name. Sadly, anger is one of those grief emotions that jump out without warning.   I remember reading somewhere that compared your emotions in grief to laundry flapping on a clothes line... no rhyme or reason to when the wind blows.  With time the wind doesn't always blow so hard... but I am not saying it doesn't blow at all.  Just try to remember to take of you.

Colleen, good to see you.  After my agonizing early days when I didn't even function, I remember how I kept being amazed at you, Dee, Sherry, Kate, Susan, Laurie and how you guys survived this. Those early days when you just don't think you can survive one day and there were others who encouraged and held your hand.

Have to share that my daughter called and did that mom thing of being happy, sad, proud, scared and all rolled into one.  She had to sign up our little Piper for Kindergarten. And me, the proud grandmother because Piper got into an "advanced" immersion study and one of the things they do is teach languages.  Go figure. Should be interesting...plus Piper has a little speech thing with her R's. She sounds like she is from Boston, it is so cute.Don't know how that will work with languages. They taught her sign language when she was in the early daycare back when they were in Indianapolis but I think she has lost a lot of that.  I haven't seen her use it.  Astonishing what they teach kids so early. 

[My girl is in heaven]

Tina.  Absolutely gorgeous. I’m sure on the inside too.  I know she is dancing with my Kira.  The two girls with the pretty “K” names soaring high and watching over thier mamas. I can so relate to that picture a beautiful youn g girl just ready to take off with her life.  So much ahead.  You have survived a very challenging year, with your grief and new job and trying to help Grayson see it is ok to be happy again after losing his sister.  Like Dianne so eloquently put it no rhyme or reason to the wind.  Keep hanging on.  Remember we your friends are always here.  

Dianne.  Wow what a smart little whip that Piper must be. I always liked that name it was my grandmothers last name and always thought it was cute for a little girl.  I can tell how much joy and happiness she brings you.  I am so glad you have that.  If I’m ever a grandma I will be asking you for your input.  Grandchildren sound wonderful.  

Colleen.  So beautifully put...weaving our grief. We don’t really have a choice do we. 

Peggy, how’s it going. Remember one day, one hour or one minute, just whatever you can do.  

Virginia, hope u are finding some peace on your vacation.

Kristen.  Thinking of you already as Wednesday approaches.  Just lean on us as much as you want.  I live with  t hat same feeling of having a healthy athletic teenager  with a heart problem.  How does that Even happen. Hearts and hands here, hearts and hands, don’t forget. Thanks for the offer If I ever get rich I will be flying out to white rock and I’ll be in the front row of your Pilates class.  Hang on dear friend. 

Susan , Becky, Georgina, devianez, Gretchen...how are you guys doing.  

Kate and Dianne...ready to watch the leafs loose again tonight.  Lol.  Jets all the way.  

 

Luanne....Kira’s mama

[My girl is in heaven]

We are in the middle of a major ice storm.  Everything is covered in ice and very windy. 400 collisions already in the GTA(greater Toronto area).  And supposed to be freezing rain all day tomorrow too.  Effecting most of southwestern Ontario.  Oh joy.  Have I ever mentioned how much I hate living in southern Ontario.  Lol.  The rest of Canada is beautiful though.  If the hydro goes out and I can’t watch my hockey tonight, just open your windows, you’ll hear me.  There is just no way the hydro can go off when the play offs are on.  Hope u guys are getting better weather. 

Luanne....Kira’s mama

[ericasmom]

Luanne, I sure hope you keep your power...goodness knows that those collisions are terrible...we were watching Toronto and Washington playing basketball...close game too. I am going to disagree with you in a very friendly way Luanne: above you said we haven't a choice do we, in reference to Colleen's remark about weaving our grief into our lives...there is a choice however, and you know that the choices you have made in the last year are making such a great difference to your days...you chose to stop all the meds and to find a new doctor and to insist on finding ways to live better, you found us and you are really working hard to find more to life now. I am so proud of you, of us all because we have made a choice...a decision to try-

Kristen, we are all with you as you face this very bittersweet date, the sweet of His Birth/the very bitter of his death.

Dianne, we have an immersion program at the school where I teach, ours is Spanish and we have one group that starts in kindergarten and moves on all the way through 5th grade in immersion. The kids come out being able to b oth speak and write Spanish, and they learn a lot about Spanish speaking countries and their cultures. Exciting times for your little Piper. My great niece, also a Piper, and my Grand-girl will be starting kindergarten as well.

 

[ericasmom]

I am not an immersion teacher and do not understand any language other than English...sad but true.

[My girl is in heaven]

Yeah your right Dee.  I have made some positive choices.  I just hope I can stick to them.i don’t know where it came from but I feel a little stronger and more confident for some reason. And. Have had very very low self esteem my whole life and probably always will, but just a little piece of light there, probably won’t last. Thing is I don’t always see where I have made a few steps until the newbies have come on since January. I read there posts and get this gut wrenching feeling of omg I remember that raw grief, then I realize grief has loosened its grip some since those days. And oh you know I sweared off music for life  right from the day Kira died. Well I need music when I am at gym to keep me going.  So had Aaron put some songs on an iPod shuffle for me ....I’m actually listen g to music, first time since 2011.  I just picked old 70s and 80s slow songs....Anne Murray, Peabo Bryson, Rita Coolidge.  When Aaron was calling them up to download and they started to play he scrunched up his face and looked at me....you really going to listen to that??  I’m starting with these and who knows I might even work my way up to the disco era music.  I feel ok that Kira is alright that I listen to music again.  Thanks for your words. 

Luanne...Kira’s mom

.

[Tinay]

Thank you everyone for the kind words. She was beautiful on the inside as well. 

Peace and love to all

Tina

[Tommy's mum]

It is so very heartening to read posts and see how each person has changed over time and shared their honest struggles with the loss of their precious child. It is also a barometer which demonstrates how  thoughts and emotions and actions change as we all progress. Louanne the fact you have got a different doctor and are talking through your grief is incredible and has a positive effect on your mental and physical health. Before you were stuck in a whirlpool of negativity and self doubt and guilt that kept you with complicated unresolved grief you cycled over and over again for years without change. You were unable to move forwards at all and punished yourself for living not allowing yourself any pleasure and beating yourself up for Kira's death which you could not have foreseen or prevented. I now see the real you the strong woman you are and deserve to be. Kira will be so proud of you and beliveve me she will be dancing alongside you with every track you play rejoicing in your freedom and willingness to forge through life positively. What a tremendous difference from the scared miserable and frankly suicidal person you were only a few months ago. All the newbies can take strength from your fight and see there is life ahead and even some glimpses of happiness in a future none of us thought would be a possibility for any of us. Yes a part of us did die alongside our child but being able to keep them in your heart and show them you can not only survive but thrive is so important. tina you too have got a new job and made some tough choices and are also a survivor and should be proud of yourself too. before you were afraid of an uncertain future and how to support grayson and yourself but you have done Kiona proud by picking yourself up and forging ahead to a stronger life. We are all forever changed by our spirit children the key is to keep fighting and remember they want to see us succeed and not be beaten by grieving for them to the point where living is barely an option surviving seems impossible and there is no hope left for a future. our children will never be forgotten we made them and shaped them and we will all come out of this ahead stronger more compassionate and able to choose life for the sake of all our children living or in spirit. We are survivors.....

[ericasmom]

The weather is HORRID! I hate cold rain, but heck, nothing I can do about it.

Luanne, yes, you see that you have made steps...and listening to music too???Wow, big steps. I think when we become aware of our forward movement, we realize that we do have more strength and energy than we knew...

Tina, Tinay is holding you in her ever-loving heart for all time. Thank you for sharing her photos, that bright smile is sunlight.

[Somersky]

I am finding this so hard... I intentionally haven’t even had a glass of wine with friends as I cannot because it trips a switch and will make me sadder. I honestly have not stopped crying since Monday. I took a whole week off classes and my husband and I are leaving for a trip away from the house (I found Skylar laying peacefully in his bed with his hands across his chest) just 10 minutes before he was snoring?

I too ask myself if I could have done more ... if I had only been one minute sooner in his room....if my cpr skills makybe weren’t the best for Skylar? I know they did get his heart restarted intermittently.. but with sudden cardiac death if you are not there within a minute they start to lose oxygen to their brain ... Luanne find peace in that. I try to knowing I would have had to be right there at that second.

I just miss him so so so much it hurts like no other hurt I have ever gone through I never thought I had these many tears even after this time. If my mind stops for a second I cry... just thinking of him.... I love him so much

[Mermaid Tears]

Somersky....I have tried to keep up with the postings...this has been a busy cycle for me. Yes...this kind of grief is overwhelming...beyond sad...and so very dark and heavy. We agree. Many of us can read your words and we nod our heads in agreement...and say prayers for you. I cannot tell you how many times I felt as if I was hit in the abdomen and would have to go down on my knees in physical pain. This kind of grief hits you emotionally....spiritually...and physically. Sometimes I describe it as being placed in a foreign country...not knowing where I am...or can speak the language or have a map or compass. Completely lost. No matter how we describe it...it is a hateful and twisted journey. We can only find our way by taking baby steps...learning to breathe...sometimes going moment to moment....sometimes day to day. I commend you for taking a week off of work...I made the decision to 'cocoon'....it was the best decision for me. Listen to what your body..intuition is telling you ....we are all unique...and each of us will need something that another does not need. I like that you and your husband are taking a trip away....you are intelligent enough to know you can't run away from the grief....but...'getting away' does not mean running away. Many times the walls...photos...furniture...home...that we love so much...can also bring a kind of isolation. Let Mother Nature and the breezes take you on another path...and let your eyes rest on something different.

All of us on this site wishes we could be transferred into your kitchen and have a cup of coffee with you...and just be there for/with you. But...words are all we have to share on this site....but we all hope/pray they will find a way to give you comfort in that you do not walk this grief journey alone...and that we do understand the paralyzing grief and mourning you are experiencing.

I would like for you to look up 'deep breathing exercises' on youtube...there are many...and very uncomplicated and simple....but since you teach pilates...you are probably already knowledgeable about how useful they are when one is in deep stress/chaos.

I am going to try and post some things I have in my document folders....every time I try it doesn't work....will give it another try.

For now....just keep things simple and treat yourself with the utmost...kindness and gentleness.

[ericasmom]

Amen to all you have posted Susan...Kristen, your world changed so very drastically a year ago, and seeing the second year in is overwhelming your spirit. It will not always feel as it does right now, it will smooth out eventually, but this mark of time is throwing you down so down you go and let those tears flood the house. Those too, will lessen when they can , right now, they can't. We have you in our prayers, hopes, thoughts...

[MargeeTx]

Hello to all:   I have been horribly worried.... my oldest brother has been hospitalized for the past 3 weeks in the Mayo Hospital in Jacksonville, Florida.  He had some extensive renal artery work done and has had one complication after another.  I am so thankful that he came to Dallas when Jason died on January 23rd.

My grief has been so much worse this past month.  Even though I thought reading his autopsy report was going to help me.... I finally cried, and now I cry all the time.  

At times it actually feels as if I am drowning.  And, I can't talk to anyone about any of it.  Not mike, and I don't know what to even say to you guys.  I am just alone.   But I do try to read your posts everyday.  Please send me hope.

xxoo margarett

 

 

[ericasmom]

HOPE is always on the agenda Margee...you are where many of us were at that point in our grief...that overwhelming sense of "what the hell matters anyway?" It is hard on all relationships because we simply have nothing to say to anyone, all we can think of is our beloved Child and how it hurts to not have them right here beside us. Whether you read the autopsy or not, I do believe the same overwhelming grief would hit, the autopsy may have sped it up a bit, but it was apt to come because that is the nature of grief in those early months, like a mud slide, or an avalanche, once it begins, it has to run its course. You will not drown, but the analogy is spot on, it does feel like it. I send hope to your whole family as your brother struggles with his health as well. Prayers Margee and always hope.

[Mermaid Tears]

Margee...please read the post I wrote for Somersky.....I do send it to all new parents that have been placed on this hard and hateful grief journey....

[Somersky]

Margee try not to read the autopsy too much. I had to make sure I had to make the conscious choice not to keep going back to it. The descriptions of how perfect his organs were was upsetting but made me so proud at the same time... it was a bit strange. Skylar was perfect in every way ... they couldn’t figure it out...even in autopsy... which is why we are going genetic testing to make sure our daughter summer doesn’t have the same thing... the BC Arrythmia Assoc. in Vancouver has been Helpful. Skylars tissue is in Finland being tested for over 150 different genetic heart conditions. 

The autopsy though to have access to it and read it ... is trauma! Please try not to I back to it margee.

Thank you everyone... as my Skylars angel day approaches I thought I’d share a picture of the first time he tried on a suit.. grade 12 grad... that summer he went to University of Calgary first year on the basketball team on scholarship and started to “beef”up! Then shortly after he was gone

[daveydow1]

HELLO   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

Tina-----thank you for posting the pics of your dear daughter Kiona.  She

is a beautiful girl with a beautiful smile. 

LouAnn-----Yikes...an ice storm!   They are the worst;   and cause so many problems &

accidents. Our 70 degree days didn't last long----2 days, ....now back to cold, rainy

days. But, our weather is not nearly like what you are having there.  Our northern

states are hard-hit though, like Minnesota where my sister lives. I hope you didn't

lose your power, and was able to see your hockey games.  Speaking of music,  I was

not able to listen to any music after David died  (or even after Lisa's death so long ago,)

but I still remember...... not wanting to hear music because it either made me cry & wail,

or if it was upbeat music....then it seemed so wrong to hear it.  However, in time, I did

go back to listening to music, and it helps.  I believe that no parent ever 'gets over'  the loss

of their deceased child.  We survive, but we don't get over it.

 

Dianne----Yes, I agree with you.  We manage to get by one day at a time.  It may sound trite,

but that's the way it is on this grief road, and especially so for the early times when we think we

are not going to make it, and many times along this lousy journey we must travel.

Dee----The immersion program at your school sounds interesting, and is a good way to have

kids learn other languages and cultures.  I, too, have always wished I could speak Spanish....I

know a few words, that's about it.

 

Kristin-----I never got an autopsy report for David.  I was sent the MediVac report for his transfer

to the trauma center, and that in itself caused me so much heartache.  Details that I should not

have read about.  Prayers for you as Skylar's Angel Day and birthday are coming up soon. Thanks

for the pics....Skylar is , indeed, a handsome young man.  Bless him.

Susan---Thanks for the excellent screen shots that say so much,  in the words I could not come

up with.  Our souls are definitely tied to our children who left this world too soon., and......Time

does seem to fly,  yet stand still.  I hope you are recovering well from your surgery.

 

Margee-----Yes, feeling alone is one of the things we endure after the loss of a child.....it seems

no one can truly understand, so we don't have any words to say.  But,  everyone here at BI knows, firsthand,

the devastation of losing a child/children, so please keep coming here.   Thoughts & prayers for

your brother.  Peace to you.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   sherry

     

[ericasmom]

Kristen, such lovely photos of your Beautiful Boy, and is that his Dad next to him? Two handsome men. I so hope that your getaway is filled with some spiritual goodness. I am glad that you are finding out if there is a genetic reason for Sylars' heart issues...

[TearsInHeaven]

Margarett,  we cannot take away your horrific pain but we can hold your hand, support your struggle, let you know you are not alone and you can and will be supported through this so difficult time.  No one will say they understand grief and this is how it works.  What we have all learned and are still learning is that grief changes unpredictably much like the waves of the oceans.  The truth is there is no right or wrong way to grieve.  Everything you feel has its place because your grief and your love are unique between you and Jason.  What we can do is listen for we all have learned to understand how we NEED someone to listen.  We can listen with the compassion that your broken heart needs. Everyone here has grieved differently but we have learned the hard way how important it is to know you have a safe place to let those feelings out, to know that there is someone listening to you either with a quieting comfort or some well said words .  That is good that you read the posts when you can. Sometimes just listening to another's journey can help. I urge you to allow your feelings to surface and process them so you can release them. Feel the emotions. Writing about whatever comes to the surface helps to release those thoughts and emotions, too, and has been shown to be therapeutic.  You don't have to write them here, you can write them for yourself.  Fully experiencing the pain — most often through tears — provides relief. Give yourself time and space to grieve.  We learn to carry our grief inside of us.  And the grief DOES evolve. The pure sadness coming through... the every minute pain...things will eventually adjust for you.  Yes, the sadness and pain become a part of you but your heart will find its way.

[Tommy's mum]

Kiona and Skylar both beautiful souls inside and out it is nice to put faces to the names. I get a lump in my throat to see those smiling faces, the youth and energy projecting off the page and knowing they are  now spirit children, so heartbreaking. Skylar  and Kiona both already have a positive legacy, Skylar for genetic research and Kiona for the gift of her eyesight both families should feel very proud.

maragrett now the dam has breached and the tears fall so frequently you feel you will drown in them. It is ok it is a good thing your defences have come down and you can truly grieve your heart out. Awful to go through and experience but so much more healthy than closing off your emotions internally and carrying the burden of unresolved grief. Know you are with us even if you cannot post. I am sorry to hear about your brother and hope he turns the corner and begins healing. it is really hard to talk about your grief with anyone unless they have also lost a child because it is so specific and also so personal, as a parent you literally have lost a piece of yourself. Just make sure you do have someone to talk with here you are understood and supported.

dianne dee sherry and susan your words are always welcomed i wish I had that way with words that you all have.

My sister had a lovely time in Hawaii and floated a pretty pink and white lei on the water in memory of my Tommy which I appreciated. She was unable to visit Oahu where he lived but that is ok. When I have the money i will get my little plaque for him so i have a personal named space to lay flowers.