Loss of an Adult Child

[Mermaid Tears]

I had such bad insomnia after losing John David....I would sleep in the guest bedroom...waking up at 1 or 2 AM....wide awake...I would read or watch TV...and didn't want to bother my husband....it became my 'nest'. Around the 4th month....I awoke from a vivid dream....I saw fields of flowers...hills and mountains of green and color...trees and could faintly hear bird songs...and the sound of wind blowing....I heard John David saying.."Mom...remember the tulips". It took several hours for me to make sense of it....all I knew is that when he was on his way to Whidbey Island...where he was stationed during his whole Navy career...he passed these fields of tulips...when he got there he called me and told me that I must see them. Some dreams stay with you ....some are fleeting...this one stayed.

It was around the 6th month....I was really struggling....I would zombie walk during the day...due to the insomnia...it felt as if pieces of my heart would break and fall away....I was busy planning his Angel date for we were going to 'scatter and bless his ashes in Port Aransas..we were hosting lots of family and friends....I had lots of loose strings to tie together....the most important was gathering the family and helping his siblings with their grief...and my husband and his anger.

John David was right in front of me....he was sitting down with his elbows on his knees and hands in front....there is no way I can describe the light...it was brilliant but soft..vivid and seemed to have color but nothing definite...it seemed to surround the whole area.....he was smiling at me....he talked but I can't remember what he said...his hair was dark...just like it was when he was young...but he looked as if he was in his late 20's...early 30's. (The men in my family on my Mother's side of the family all went 'salt and pepper grey' at an early age...John David did not like that he inherited that trait)....he turned his face to the right and his face was so smooth and seemed to glow. The most remarkable aspect was I could see every detail....and he had this off white kind of textured loose shirt on....but I could see the fine weave in the shirt...hard to explain. Then he lifted up his shirt to show me his abs...how fit he was !! (John David...like most people that get pass their 30's seem to add a few pounds...and his job kept him on the road so much...he ate in diners/restaurants most of the time...he really didn't like that he was out of shape...he was somewhat vain about his appearance and complained about his need to get back in shape)....then....I said..."Oh John David...you look so healthy"...and then we hugged each other very tight...my arms were around his middle..his arms were around my shoulders....and then I woke up. I remembered every detail....I still remember every detail of that dream....it has never faded. I hold it close to my heart and spirit...and I know my boy came to me...he broke through the veil to give me comfort...and to let me know that all was well with him...and for me not to suffer anymore. Yes...I can miss him and long for him....and cry and remember....but...I do not suffer anymore. I told my daughter about the dream first thing that morning...and she said.."Only John David would do that"...and I agree.

It was about a year ago...I was watching a documentary while walking on my treadmill about an artist that finds young men with beards to photograph and then paints them in biblical scenes.....they showed a painting he did of Jesus...and the 'shirt' he had on seemed to have the distinct weave that I saw in my dream...I tried to research it but could not find any description of the weave and how he came to use it.

I am sharing this to let other parents know that their child is..'somewhere'....and they do give signs....let your heart and spirit open up.

I named him John David in true Aggie tradition....(after John David Crow)....many Aggie families name their first born son...John David...my BFF..Margaret Ann named her first born son John David....we each had a John David. I will have a house full today....I know they want to be with me.

[TearsInHeaven]

Happy Heavenly Birthday, John David. Visit with your family and friends as they gather to honor your day.  Let them feel you among them.

[Jeff's Mom]

Susan and Lesley...for you! Wish I lived closer and I would have bought one for both of you for this special occasion weekend. They are sitting quite cheerfully in my sunroom.

Susan, beautiful pictures. What could be more comforting than being surrounded by the love of family. Thank you for sharing.

Lesley, have a wonderful weekend with those kids of yours!

Kate 

[ericasmom]

IT'S JOHN DAVID DAY: a day to hold holy in the hearts and spirits of ALL that love and know him. Happy Birthday SWEET BOY/MAN. You will always be carried through the world and throughout each day in the hearts and memories of your beloved Family and Friends. Thank you for being the person you have always been to your Momma. Keep letting her know that you are out and about.

Susan, may this day hold the magic and joy that is John David...

[ericasmom]

Lesley, I am so happy that you have a house-full this weekend...all the love and laughter and memories to share with your Sweeties. Your Angel Son is there as well, loving the stories and the music and loving you all as he will always do.

[NiquesMom]

Happy birthday John David!

4 years ago today my dad passed away. Very unexpected,  he was 64. I cannot decide which is worse: watching someone slowly die,  hoping they will get better each day,  or the sudden loss with no chance to say goodbye. 

I watched my mom die of cancer.  My daughter and dad died in accidents.  I hope my daughter is hugging my dad,  and loving being with him. 

My house is too quiet. 

I don't want to think about continuing,  not even for today, I want to sit and do nothing.  But I can't.  Kyle needs a haircut,  we need groceries,  the world continues.  I hate that today. 

Slapping on the fake smile and venturing out to be with humans. 

Virginia

 

[Rebekahs mom]

Happy birthday to John David!

Each day continues to be a struggle with good moments and bad.

Sarah

[TearsInHeaven]

Virginia, yes daily and weekly tasks keep coming and somehow we mostly get them accomplished. Wherever you are I hope  there is sunshine today on you and Kyle and you feel Nique"s warmth and light shine through.

Margarett, I see you were able to add a signature.  Yea! Hope my instructions helped. Wish I could do something to help with your tool bar choices but it sounds like, if you are missing some icons it is internal.  ModKonnie is usually good about getting back when she is messaged.  Funny you mentioned about your music.   I too have a gazillion cd's and music has always been a big part of my household. My husband wastes his money on Sirius radio but I always keep a big bunch of cd's in my car.  I just got a new car AND NO CD PLAYER!!! Another dinosaur moment?  So since I don't want all that music on my phone.... I got an mp3 type player and have been transferring my music to that.  Guess the mp3 is also going by the wayside eventually but here I am putting my music there.  72 songs by Jimmy Buffett and 87 songs by Rod Stewart so far, working on Smokey Robinson today.  At this rate I will be transferring for days and not even hit the popular songs! Haven't even thought of cd transfers either...just the computer songs.  Believe me only a few months ago I could not even listen to music as my broken heart couldn't take it.  Guess that is a step for me. 

Kate, beautiful flower.  My neighbor bought me and orchid plant last year and it was beautiful.  I read that sometimes they will rebloom so I have been babying it.  Not sure  but giving it my best.

Sarah, those struggles are hard, I know but it is good to see you mention some good moments.  They will come....hold onto them when they do.

Luanne, hockey season ends in about a month.  What will we do?

[ericasmom]

Virginia, I know it makes no sense that on a day when your heart weighs twice that of your own self, you must look out a window and see the day unfolding in regular fashion for others...I remember my sense of that when my neighbor and friend, Sara and Rob, lost their little Alice...finally succombing to brain cancer after a valiant fight, she was all of 4 years old. They called me at 5 something in the morning, telling me to come down the block to kiss Alice goodbye, had been there the night before, well everyday really, but Alice passed away in her parents bed and I was there with the family and was able to kiss Sweet Red Haired Alice goodbye...and after about an hour, I looked out the window to see life going on for folks that didn't live in this sad place, they were getting kids in cars for lessons here and grocery lists were being finalized in some homes, life was going on...but Alice died, how could this be...this is no ordinary day...and it was not an ordinary day again for a very long time in Alice's family or for that matter, for me and all those who Love Alice...Alice had a big sister, Cate, who was 7 when Alice died. Her life and her coping skills all askew. This was when my children were young.  Somehow her parents and sister learned how to live through the storm of despair and terror, and they found their new normal, they found their ways to live best, and Virginia, you will too. I promise you will.

[Tommy's mum]

happy birthday John David! I know you are young and healthy as you had appeared in your mom's visitation dream because time kind of stops still when you pass. Send your family a sign because this is one of the saddest days for us parents. Reminds us of happier past times and birthdays. On my son's birthday I try to focus on remembering his birth and happier times and acheivements that he made. i picture pushing him in his little red car, biking ,skateboarding anything that is a happy memory. I am able now to give thanks that I was allowed to have him in my life and how his presence influenced and helped shape our family. I try not to focus on his loss that I try to reserve for his angel date.

kate stunning orchids. I have never had one so that is on my to do list one day. I am looking at the huge bouquet of lilies my kids gave me for my birthday, can't wait for them to open and perfume the house. It is strange but I have yet to meet a plant I did not like!

virginia you have suffered so many losses in your life already so have many days that bring sadness. Your daughter will be with both her grandparents and happy and well. it is us whom are left behind who struggle with sadness, having a permanent hole in the family tree. I am very familiar with the fake smile so that people do not worry so much about you, one day you will find your smile comes back on its own first only briefly but then more often as your spirit heals.

sarah there are many good and bad moments still to experience. The hard part is maintaining the will to carry on because you doubt that life will ever be manageable or happy again ever. Take heart from those who are further on that can tell you it will slowly get easier, that brighter times will occur again. Just give yourself credit for making it through the rocky times, each time is a small success.

[NiquesMom]

A chuckle today: I took my vhs tapes in to be transferred to DVD, and my 4 year old has never seen a vcr or vhs tape and was amused by having to wait for the tape to rewind.  Man,  he made me feel old!

 

Virginia

[Jeff's Mom]

Virginia, tell me about it! I threw out our VCR a few years ago and forgot that I have a few tapes of Jeff that were tucked away. Now I am scouting to buy one again.

Lesley and Dianne, orchids are not the easiest of plants to grow. Some people I know just appear to have the knack of growing them. Sometimes it is just luck. At any rate they definitely do not like too much water. They enjoy being misted and should not be in a location where they are in direct sunlight. An east window is ideal... and south and west are ok if covered by a light sheer. Also, make sure they are not in a place that they are exposed to direct air draft. Sometimes they will bloom a second time in a season if particularly cared for. Make sure to use a fertilizer. Non blooming 30/10/10. Blooming 10/30/20.

[ericasmom]

Virginia, good that you had a chuckle on a day that felt so stretched out before you this morning...thanks for sharing.

Kate, those orchids are gorgeous, I haven't grown them either, though have received some 'easy to grow' kinds and kept them going for a bit. I miss the simplicity of the vcr and hate all the new ways because I simply cannot keep up with technology. It is my fault, first for being non-intuitive with tech, and second, for not trying to learn. I avoid it. Silly old twit.

[MargeeTx]

What a wnonderful birthday John David had....and, I love, love, love all of the pictures!!!!  Such a heart inspiring celebration for the very loved man.

i am trying my first orchid....grandchildren gave it to me for Christmas.  Will let you know how I do with it.  I am a better outside gardener than for houseplants.... my kitties all 'play' with them.  

Meredith had a HORRIBLE nightmare about Jason last night.  She has had a rough, tough, painful day.  

So, here I am again, with my great new friends, who absolutely know that though I feel CRAZY, I'm not. 

The pain, hurt, memories, constant thoughts of Jason, barely able to think in any way rationally, I am moving forward.

my back surgeries:  replaced 3 discs, put some jelly stuff between a much more, and repair of 3 other discs.  Some type of cauterizing a bunch of nerves, and removal of coccyx.  It all sucked, but I am better.  No assistive devices, and I pray that one day I will be able to walk my 2 miles 3-4 times a week, which I was doing prior to the surgeries.  Though it was painful, I MADE myself do it.  Doc said that was what had kept me mobile for so long.  I CANNOT FALL. And I am a clumsy 5'11" skinny old lady, with zero padding if I fall !  So I am very careful.

i have a close Catholic friend.  I will ask her about the shawl.

read and see all of you tomorrow.

XXOO margarett 

 

[Tommy's mum]

[My girl is in heaven]

Sorry everyone. I’ve been off for a bit and I so want to be here for the newbies and everyone’s dates.  Went to a new psychiatrist this week, have a ton of dental work done and being there for my sister in law as her husband has been diagnosed with esophageal cancer and they have already lost an 18 year old boy to cancer, so been supportive them too. 

Anyway , marggie so glad to hear you say the words “moving forward” but at the same time acknowledging the pain.  I have , almost 7 years in, realize that’s what it is about.  It is two steps forward and one back all the time.  But it is good that you recognize there r steps forward however small or infrequent.  Sorry for Meredith s nightmares unfortunately I have not figured out a way of getting around them.  But some day she will have a lovely comforting dream about her brother to mix in with the bad ones.  Wow you have certainly had your share of back problems.  Hope u can get back to your walk. When Kira died I was going to the gym several times a week and running.  I was 50 years old and never been in better shape,. But now, we’ll im 50 lbs overweight, and very out of shape, huff and puff all the time.  But for me losing my child sucked the life out of me and  it was all I could do get off the couch or out of bed let  alone exercise.  But I am now starting to work on it again.  Im so glad to hear you realize it is possible to take one of those baby steps forward. Yeah for margee.  And when you stumble and fall we will all be here to pick you up on those days.  Just wondering do you watch the Dallas  stars games there in Texas.  They have a pretty good team.  Your friend Luanne.  

Kate.  Canadian teams aren’t doing that well this year.  I think Vegas or Nashville will be taking the cup.  There is only 5 weeks left of regular season.  I am already lamenting about what I’m going to do til was October.  U definitely have a green thumb.  I have two little wilty orchids in my window.  Nobody can kill plants faster than me.  So nice to see the happy girls at thier skiing event. Alberta really been hit with some bad weather.  Winter wouldn’t seem so bad if I embraced it and got out instead on sitting in with my hot chocolate whining about it.  So so glad to hear about rosses eye sight.  We grieving parents hold tight to even a scrap of some good news.  And lord knows we deserve it once in awhile.

Virginia .  So sorry you have lost your parents as well. I lost my dad this past January and I too hope he is with my Kira.  I promised my dad before he died that Kira would teach him how to dance and every full moon I d look up to see them dancing.  Yes that’s what we do is put on that fake face, smiling, nodding, Pretending everything is ok.   But make sure u do allow yourself some of those stay home days where you can really be who you are.  Being forced into an early retirement I have too many of those stay at home days and it is a real struggle to get out there in the world and not wallow in my grief.  I gave up many years ago even trying to explain to people what I was going thru.  People will ask you,  how are you.   But usually they don’t really want to hear anyway.  You r so new in this terrible journey, but hold on here to us whenever you want.  Take care. Luanne

 

Kira’s mama, Luanne. 

 

[My girl is in heaven]

Lesley. Happy belated birthday,  so we are both March babies, but I don’t think either one of us was born under a lucky star.  Really mother’s day in March.  Sounds like u have a nice Sunday planned.  I think us bereaved parents appreciate and enjoy those events more now , cause we are always aware how quickly th happiness can turn into sadness.  Hope the ankle is getting better , u have had a long road with that.  Anyway enjoy your mother’s day. And that little sign that might just catch your eye today will be your Tommy saying happy day mom.  

Dee  such a sad but sweet story of little Alice. U r so right about the world that keeps spinning.  When we got home from t he hospital my neighbour was cutting her  grass and she knew already what had happened.  How could she? People walking thier dogs, gardening, I would see the occasional couple walk by and see one of them point to our house, like yeah that’s where it happened.  Not a moments thought of us the family left or the young girl who just lost her life.  My one neighbour said to me , just so you know, that are lots of rumours going around about what happened.  I went to the dentist a few weeks later, I don’t know why I did, but receptionist says , so Kira died of an aneurysm eh.  I’m like no, where the hell did that come from. So really to the rest of the world it was just a juicy piece of small town gossip. I can just imagine the buzz in all the coffee shops.  does your neighbour still live there.? If she does tell her I didn’t know her precious girl, but her story has touched me deeply.  I have always liked that name Alice.  I’m sure she was there with her  hand out for your Erica. 

 

[ericasmom]

Happy Mum's Day to those of you celebrating this month...we wait until May around here, but either way, we should celebrate Moms. It becomes a very hard day for many  after losing a Child. I wish everyone a beautiful day. We babysat for a couple hours this morning and that was fun. It was sunny and while not warm, warm enough to walk to the park and do some playing outdoors, which was so good for us all. Lovely. Now I have to return to working on my report cards. ICK.

Louanne, I will let Sarah know that her Daughter's story touched you...she does still live there, and while I do not live on that block anymore, I do see her on occasion. Alice was a beautiful girl. She was a brave and wondrous Child.

[TearsInHeaven]

A Blessed and Happy Mother's Day to our UK friends Lesley and Georgina.  May this day bring GOOD feelings

of all of your children (and grandchildren's) love.

Virginia--not sure where you are from but if the UK please know you are included!

[peggy a sad mom]

i don't know what to say about mothers day. i haven't had one yet my son was my only child and i don't know what i will expect out of the day. but please know they love you! i'm having a bad day today it's sunday i'm off and my husband is working. i've cleaned i've done laundry paid bills i'm trying to keep busy but i am just so so sad. god i miss him so much i feel like i will never be ok. i know a lot of you guys have heard that a million times but i can only tell you i can't tell my family and friends. i just seem to be getting nervous like i want to punch and kick something. thanks for listening .i'm just so lost and depressed

[My girl is in heaven]

Susan. Such a wonderful dream to cherish of John David. And you remembered so much detail.  I hope I have one of Kira like that someday.  A great piece of love to carry with you. I have had insomnia since Kira died.  I just accept I have to take sleeping pills every night. I have tried a few times to come off them but I seem to have no natural sleep ability left.  Hope. Your dear boy left u with a little sign yesterday and he had a happy birthday in heaven with all our angels around him.  Thanks for sharing your story and those wonderful pictures.  What a handsome fella.  

Dianne. I have already been lamenting the end of the hockey season. There are so many games on right now.  The Canadian teams aren’t doing much better than Chicago either. I think Nashville or Vegas will take the cup. Only team I don’t like is kings.  I tried to watch baseball last summer, but it is just so boring after watching hockey.  I’ll be counting the days til October I guess. Heard maybe Seattle getting a team.  I never did keep up with things  after vcrs ran out.  I remember when u rented movies they would charge u extra if you didn’t rewind.  I’m still upset about David Cassidy dying.  I always thought he was going to fly into drumbo national airport ...town of 400with a variety store and gas station and he would walk down the street and see me and say he finally found the girl for him.  Yes I really was that dumb and nieave at one time.  But guess I’m really dating myself...  who would even hea d of David Cassidy today??

Peggy my daughter passed away very suddenly and unexpected at the age of 17. She was a very healthy girl with no complaints.  I know how hard it is to wait and not know what took your baby away.  Nothing showed on  autopsy so they put it down to cardiac arrthymia.. I still think if I had of got to her sooner maybe I could have saved her but I know it probably wasn’t very likely.  So sorry you have to be at work right now.  Those rules are obviously made by someone who has never suffered such a loss.  Is there such as thing as disability leave for you.  Anyway you know we are always here for you.  And if you or anyone ever wants to talk on email or would like a call I can do that too.  Unfortunately I didn’t find this site til last April but I’m glad u guys got here right away.  There is so much understanding, comfort and love  offered here.  Take care dear friend.

Tina. It is so sad that we should have to make this decisions.  I couldn’t deal with cremation or not questions.  I just remember thinking I was just  at my sons graduation two days before nd so happy, how could I be standing here with somebody asking me if I want my daughter cremated or not. I think my husband made the decision not to.  I don’t really know.  How’s the job going.  How is Grayson.  You’ve almost made it to the one year.  I wish I could tell you that the hurt and pain will stop at that point but sadly it doesn’t.  But that is a very hard year, all the firsts.  Stay strong dear friend.  

Samantha.  Lovely post about a grieving mother. And oh so true.if only the rest of the world would understand us.  

Sarah.  I know the waiting for results is hard.  It must be especially hard under your circumstances.  None of us should have to go thru any of this.  But we weren’t given a choice. But u don’t have to go thru it alone, we will all be here for you. Every step of the way.  Remember the one day, hour or minute rule right now.  Don’t let yourself think too far down the road.  Stay strong.  

I love all the quotes that r posted. They really inspire.  Lesley love the one about the tears on the inside, those ones have scarred me more than the outside ones

becky, hows the eye sight. Hope u r able to read the posts. Let us know how u are doing if you can.  

Collen, laurie, Gretchen, Rainey, Georgina, Leah, devianz, sherry, hope all is well with you guys.  

“It is a divine gift to find the light inside while in the midst of despair”

 

 

Luanne...Kira’s mama 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[NiquesMom]

I live in Colorado for the moment so we celebrate mothers day in may,  but thank you for thinking of me.  Happy mothers day to all celebrating today.  Peggy, i have not had a mother's day without nique,  i am dreading may because it is mothers day,  my husband's birthday,  and both of the kids birthdays.  It used to be a very busy month for me,  this year will be very hard to pretend to want to celebrate anything.  Nique was born memorial day weekend,  so I have made plans to visit some family so I am not at home. I got the dreaded question "how many kids do you have?" I said 2 and left it at that. Luckily it was really loud so she stopped really talking to me.  Someone on here said we can choose who to tell so I figured she didn't need to know since I will never see her again. 

Hugs to all

Virginia

[ericasmom]

While we lost so much control when we lost our Kiddos, we do get to control who we tell what to...I wear my heart on my sleeve and have always told people about my world...but that is up to each of us...and if one is not in the mood or feel like they want to get into the story of our Kids lives, then don't...no rules governing this. Do what is best for you in that moment.Virginia, good looking ahead to protect yourself, making plans for that weekend. Peg, the commercials really got to me that first and second year, all about mothers day, so I avoided the cards and the sentiment for a bit.

[My girl is in heaven]

Hey Kate.  Just thought I’d share a photo of my orchids with you.  Lol.  I swear when I walk by plants they curl up and die.  Thanks for sharing your photos.  At least I know what mine are supposed to look like anyway. 

[Jeff's Mom]

LouAnn...I believe the Jets are in fourth place in the NHL this season. Laine has tied for the lead in most number of goals in the league. Toronto is six points back of Winnipeg. As far as your orchids ....where there is life.... there is hope. I threatened to throw one of my orchids out not long ago and low and behold he started to bloom again. He must have believed me.

I can not believe it...  but I am sick again. The stupid flu and cold is back. Doesn't seem possible. Can't seem to stop coughing which is not helping my hiatal hernia any.The winter from hell. Leah, we have not heard from you for some time. I really hope you are ok. I know these lung issues can be awful to deal with. I am now sleeping sitting up which is no fun and takes a lot of getting used too! 

It was a beautiful day here today. The sun shone and it felt so warm and gave hope for a new fresh season about to start. I noticed there are all kinds of buds on the trees.

Lesley and Georgina...I hope you both had a really lovely Mothers Day. We also celebrate out day in May. I bey you are exhausted after a weekend filled with activity and fun with the kids. I hope your foot will soon start to mend. It must be really discouraging when you have the energy to get out and about but your body will not cooperate.

Dee, how are things your way? Signs of spring starting?

Love to All for a good evening.

Kate  

[My girl is in heaven]

Test......I cant seem to send anything it won’t go. Never had that happen before.  

[My girl is in heaven]

Oh looks like it’s working now.  

Kate.  Yes my husband really likes Laine.  Didn’t realize they were doing that well.  Last time the leafs won the cup I was 7.  I think that was when we still had arials and had the turn dial box.  I remember one  person in our town got a colour tv and everybody wanted to see it.  I remember my mom and dad taking us over to see.  Wow I really am a dinosaur.  I’ll have to tell my boys that story.  Hope your feeling better.  Randy has had a cough for about two months. X-ray but there was no pneumonia.  His sides were sore from coughing so hard but it seems to be going away.  Hope u get over soon.  

[MargeeTx]

I have not followed hockey as much since we won the cup a few years ago.  I did go to one game here,and was petrified every time they hit the sides.... the nurse side of me couldn't take the crashes.  

Happy Mother's Day to all of you across the pond.  I should live there.  I love all the British television shows, and am avid PBS. But then I also think I should have been born in Victorian times because I love the fashion.  

I used to think that kids were cruel, but my goodness, those neighbors deserve to be slapped crazy.  I have been fortunate.... or I have kept myself isolated enough that I have not heard any rumors or anything.   But until I see the autopsy/medical records, I know nothing. And my tears have still not come.

i have had amazing back surgeons who have 'fixed' me finally.   But, I also know that if I don't keep moving, it will all be for naught.

Sundays are tough days for me....Jason always had dinner with us, and then he and Mikey would watch their zombie stuff.  I have NEVER felt this kind of pain.  Nor have I ever felt that I might not be able to keep breathing.  I see Jason in everything that I do.

continue on,my friends.

XXOO margarett 

[My girl is in heaven]

Peggy. I m so sorry you have had a bad day.  It’s still so early on for you and everything so fresh and raw.  I think it’s good you are able to do house chores.  There will be days that u might not be able to. But whatever kind of day it is you are completely entitled to it. Yes family and friends go back to thier lives and one at a time they drop off, even the ones you swore would always be there for you.  I took many years of that kind of hurt before I finally realized , yes they really don’t care.  As long as it wasn’t thier child.  I asked myself one day “where did everybody go?” Then I realized they went right back to the day before my daughter died and just carried on with thier lives.  Some people give them a break and say they don’t understand, but I don’t.  I have had some cruel insensitive things said to me that I know even before I lost a child I wouldn’t have said. I hope you know no one here will do that to you.  You are free to share as little or as much as you want here and u will be understood.  It would be hard for you to believe this now I know but one day grief will loosens it’s grip just a little and you might even see a peek of sunshine coming thru.  Of course it will be mixed in with the deep dark days.   I’m going into year 7 and I still have some of both.  When I was new like you I would not believe the sun would shine again or the birds would sing.  But they do.  The sun is never as warm and the birds never sound as sweet, but still they are there.  Hold on dear friend with all u got.  And remember how many people care and love you.  Luanne

[ericasmom]

Kate, so many folks have been coughing here for quite some time...my DIL had walking pneumonia...but many kids in my room just cough and cough. I have been coughing for 2 weeks, mostly at night, with no other symptoms but a sore throat for two days a week or so ago, and a sore ear. The coughing wakes me up and I have to sit up for a while too, and sleep propped up on many pillows. I sure hope that you will get better real quickly now...maybe  your body just letting the last of the illness out of you. I have started sneezing today, feels like allergies to me...we were outside for a good deal of time and while only 40 degrees tops, the green shoots are popping up and so that means that there is pollen in the air. We put a new bird feeder in the yard which is a delight, the big one with many feeders that hang off of it including two suet feeders. The birds are happily feeding from it throughout the day.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Happy Heavenly Birthday John David. 

Susan, thanks for sharing the visitation dream, those are treasures indeed. 

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Thanks Dee for asking about me. I am have just been trying to catch up with my job since I got so behind with my mom.

Today, when I got to my friends house, I noticed a very loud sounding bird. It was a cardinal. I thought to myself how many people think of them as signs from their loved ones.

Just then, my friend  walked up from her barn area, where she had been doing chores. I mentioned she had a very loud bird in her yard. (didn't mention it being a cardinal)

She said  just before I came an eagle flew directly overhead of her house. 

Jesse often uses the eagle for his sign...many have noticed this bird show up in connection with Jesse....in very unexpected ways. 

 

[TearsInHeaven]

Laurie good to see you. You asked about a cardinal sign...Michael never got to come home for Thanksgiving so he could spent time here at Christmas. He would go with his girlfriend's family but when they broke up it was different. The last Thanksgiving he had I promised him he would never be alone on Thanksgiving again. He died the next day. For the last 2 Thanksgivings while we were at my cousin's a cardinal has sat in a tree right by their picture window. No one will ever be able to tell me that is not my son.

Luanne, Kate, I am going for Vegas to win the Cup this year. They have been so good. First year for the Hawks not to make the playoffs in years and years! This has been a bad year...and like every couch coach I see so many problems, no one in front of the net, no one taking the puck to the net. It will be interesting to see what happens.

Almost 5AM here might as well get up. I have been up since about 1AM  not sleeping again. A month ago it was nightmares about my son, now minimal patches of sleep.. But luckily no coughs, cold, or flu here. Hope those with it feel better.

 

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks everyone for your kind thoughts. What surprised me about this flu was how quickly it set in. I was fine on Friday when I headed into the city. It hit me out of nowhere and full tilt. I can't stop coughing to the point of feeling I will swallow my tongue. I am calling the doctor this morning. The funny thing is that I had the flu shot this year and have never been so ill. Last year I skipped it and did not get sick. Go figure. I have been around a person that has a daughter that works in a day care with young children. They are always sick and so is she. Perhaps I caught it from her. I always seem to get sick after I see her.

Dianne, I slept on and off all night. The time change always seems to take a few days to adjust too. Because of this hernia I have been told not to sleep flat. I have to use three pillows to basically keep my upper body raised. I keep slipping down and as yet have not perfected the technique. I will have to sew velcro on my pillow and nightgown to keep from sliding down.  Just kidding. 

Laurie, how is your Mom? Good to see you. I always love to see the birds flying high above and circling. I hope you are doing well yourself.

Dee, I bet the birds will enjoy their new abode. There is nothing more enjoyable than connecting with nature.

Have a decent day everyone.

Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

thought I would share this.....I know that John David's sister and brothers share memories and childhood stories..and secrets....that I shall never be privy to....nor would I want to intrude  on that special relationship...

[Tommy's mum]

thanks guys it was a lovely noisy weekend. We just celebrated with my mum, I have the American mother's day in may because two celebrations in march is too close. So I have my birthday in march and Mother's day in may along with you guys as we lived there for 18yrs.

louann sorry but your orchids made me laugh! I have heard they are really fussy and can be difficult to grow which is why I have not tried them yet. just grow easy care flowers they are just as beautiful and colourful in your garden, when the weather is warmer. I am angry at the thoughtlessness of neighbours. What is gossip or news for some is a painful reminder for others.

susan I liked the video clip thanks. Each relationship is valuable and losing a sibling puts a permanent hole in the family order. My daughter is now the eldest she says its weird.

kate feel well soon this flu type is a nasty one that lasts longer than normal and I hear often the cough lasts for 2 or 3 weeks after sad to say. having had the flu shot hopefully the duration will be shorter for you. Allergy season has started here already with tree pollen and strong winds have caused the pollen to distribute for miles around.

dianne the cardinal is one of my favourite American birds so bright and beautiful. I am sure that was your Michael.

laurie so the eagle is Jesse's sign for you. Interesting that so many signs are from birds isn't it?

dee hope you feel better soon too. In your job you must be constantly surrounded by all sorts of nasty germs that swarm around the warm classrooms so if you don't catch anything that would be very unusual. I love birds but I can't have any feeders because I have my cat. However they do pop in and pinch some of the hedgehogs mealworms!

margarett I am glad your back has been fixed that can be a tricky surgery and is not always successful. Try and  keep yourself moving when the weather is warmer you can be in your garden again. I used to watch PBS too to get my Brit fix from home.

virginia there will always be days that cause sadness now. Just do what you need to do each year to get through those days.

peggy yes I still have days when I want to scream and punch or kick things too it is normal because there is always anger when someone is taken too soon. The hard part is finding a sensible way in expressing it. Since this ankle surgery which has not seemed to be working  I am fighting real anger. The pain meds are helping a bit but I feel the anger and helplessness that I felt when I lost Tommy, makes me feel I am going backwards in my grief journey, but from experience I know it will be temporary.

mikey's mom wrote to me on saturday which was good. I was relieved to hear from her after nearly 4 months although I know how hard it is to be in contact with others after losing your child. She is having a hard time unsurprisingly but told me she believes each one of us has a purpose to fill in their lifetime and that both Tommy and Mikey had acheived theirs. I get she has her own mind set but I struggle to accept that our boys did not have more to offer so were taken. I don't know, I don't have all the answers. Another of Tommy's friends messaged me yesterday and sent me a photo of a bench in a park where we used to live where they would arrange to meet up. It was a nice gesture. We all have so much to learn on the grief journey I guess it can take years to learn it all.

i wish you all a peaceful week

 

[ericasmom]

Thanks Susan, both for the dream-share and this lovely woman on the video...

This morning just prior to my walk, still pitch black, one of our solar lights was flashing, flashing, and no others were on. I said, I wonder if that is a message from Erica, so as I approached the light, which by the way is a mere foot from my last photo of her...it stayed on, not flashing, just shining. I spoke to her, as I left for my walk, it flashed again, and went out. As I returned up my driveway, it was flashing, then as I got close, it stayed on, strong and bright. I knew it was Erica letting me know to carry her light...

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....thank you for sharing....'they' say that because the deceased have a very high vibration...they can alter electricity/electronics easily....your girl does shine...

Kate...well...I am guessing that 'the cruddy flu' just finally caught you...you did a good job of trying to out run it....from everything I have heard the coughing is the number one complaint...even from those who do not have the flu...just the cough. A friend posted on FB that her husband got the most relief from a child's cold/cough otc medication. My grandparents gave me 'honey-lemon-whiskey' mixed with hot water....hot toddy....I still go back to that remedy.

[peggy a sad mom]

hi everyone thanks for thinking of me and writing tommy's mum luanne margarett dee and virginia. i admit i do need the attention because i know you all understand. one of my sisters and a friend call me everyday. i never want them to stop but if i am feeling relaxed they get me all upset again. i do try to keep to myself at least for now because my son is all i think about so if i'm talking to someone that is all i have to talk about. i try not to but the conversation alway's goes straight to him i just can't help it. well i hope everyone who isn't feeling good from surgeries or the flu gets better fast. peggy

[ericasmom]

Lesley, so glad for your noisy wonderful weekend. I know that your heart is filled anew. Now rest and repair.

[My girl is in heaven]

Lesley. I will definitely be getting some gardening tips from you for my garden this year. I try but me and plants just don’t  seem to mix too well.  Of course here that will be may.  Usually Victoria Day weekend people will plant.  Anything up til then you get a beautiful spring day but next might be snowing.  Hope your ankle is getting better and glad you had a nice weekend with family.  Those times are even more precious I think to grieving parents.  Lots of rest.  

Dee. So nice to have your Erica lighting the way for her mama bear. I believe too all of our angel babies light the way for us probably more than we realize.  

Peggy. You take all the attention you want.  Wanting to talk about your son is natural, I did the same thing.  Just took me awhile to figure out who would listen to me and who wouldn’t. But u never have to fear that here.  A grieving mom once told me after her son died and she would go to make a purchase at a store and clerk would hand her her receipt she felt like saying “thank you very much and by the way my son died”.  For me anyway in the beginning I just wanted to keep telling my story. I went to a moms bereaved meeting every month and I just kept telling them for years then I somewhere got to the point I didn’t want to share it anymore but to these guys. But you come on here and yap every minute of the day and night if you want to.  And I might have already mentioned but I don’t mind calling or emailing anybody if that would help them.  Your doing exactly wgphat u need to and there is nothing wrong no with that.

Margarett.  Oh so jealous you got to go to a stars game.  Here good tickets to a Toronto game r between 500 and 800 so the average joe can’t afford them. The crashes at the side and fights are the best part of the game. I too for the longest time could not cry. Nice to know I’m not the only one.  Dr. Told him it is fight, flight or freeze and freeze is definitely what I did for many weeks. The coroner for some reason had my husbands cell number at work and called in the middle of the day to give him autopsy results.  He never told me cause he didn’t want me to know what they did to her.  He was trying to protect me. A couple years later he told me and said he could not remember , he didn’t want to hear it.  I would never be able to read it but I had a copy sent to a trusted dr. Who talked to me.  But I worked in medical records for 29 years and typed lots of autopsies over the years so I knew what they did. As a nurse would you be able to read it?  I know it’s hard waiting .  We need to know what took our babies away. You r so right that this is the worst pain ever and yes it is just hard to even breathe sometimes.  I talk to my self a lot, kind of my own mini coach, and I’m always saying breathe, just breathe, it will be ok, breathe.  And I don’t give a rats ass if I’m out in public and people hear me.  Cause one day I’m going to stand on a mountain and yell “ just walk in my shoes for a day asshole then go ahead and judge me”.  And when I do I will be doing for every grieving parent.  Keep going dear friend, keep going.  Luanne

 

 

Luanne, Kira s mama

 

[ericasmom]

Peg, I agree with Louanne, you talk and talk and tell your story, the story is important, your Son is real, he is important, your relationship is real, and your loss and ache is all too real. OUr stories are unfolding still, and so will yours. Right now the story is important for you to retell as it helps you understand it and synthesize the sequence of events, it helps you face the absolute saddest time in your life, as though you needed reminding, but somehow, telling the story helps you fully grasp it as truth. i was similar, I was so shocked by Erica's dying but needed to stay in the reality of it, so kept telling our story and writing it and rereading it, helping me to not be able to find a 'fantasy' in which to pretend that Erica was coming home. I knew that it would be important for me to grab-hold of the facts and speak of them each day. Another reason that our stories are important is to show others that life is unpredictable and that some of us have had to learn how to live in a new world. We also become people that others can reach out to if they face something difficult, they know that we get it. So you keep talking about your Boy, He is the planet that you orbited all these years, know that he now is your moon, orbiting your life.

[MargeeTx]

I am so glad that Tuesday is  over for another week.  Which one of you is Virginia?  I think I missed a post.  I am trying like heck to get everyone's names right,but I swear, just when I think I am making progress, I screw up someone's name, without even trying.  Could be my diet.... today I had 4 chocolate chip cookies, followed by a piece of pizza from day before yesterday, with coffee.  Day old pizza ain't bad if you zap it for only 40 seconds, so the crust doesn't turn into something unchewable.  And besides, when I ended up with a full set of dentures a couple of years ago, chewing and French kissing just are not he same.  And don't reveal my denture fact to ANYONE... they are a secret.  I just finished reading the book recommended for Meredith about the loss of a sibling....

[MargeeTx]

Somehow, this post is replying to my last post, which is not what I am doing!  I need my own personal 'IT department' to keep me on track and in order.  Forgive me of my dumbness.

I think I mentioned that my son, dgt-in law and their entire family are on their way to Costa Rico for this week.  Jeremy has Jason's truck, and for him to avoid paying over $200 for parking, the truck is in our driveway for this week.  It is the only tangible thing that we have of Jason's. He bought the truck November, a year ago...paid cash for it, and it is a snazzy, black, fully loaded Ford 150...Jeremy has it all cleaned up, and I thought I could handle it being here.  I can't.  Mike is taking it tomorrow, and is parking it at the police station out at the airport.  It will be safe there.  We have had a lot of stealing and mangling of people's stuff all over the Dallas area, and do not want any thing to happen to it.  Mike retired from the police force at the airport, so there is no problem, parking it there. Heck, jerks are even stealing from the parking lots at the air port -my iPad just froze up so I may have to start another thread. Oh, now it is unfrozen.  I just see Jason driving up in his truck to see me. Now I am hallucinating.  Not crazy, huh?

I will miss talking to Jeremy everyday.  But, I still have my Meredith and Mikey and all of you  I am trying to read all of your posts  in fact Ipad screwing up again  and some days I think I would just pass out if I didn't have all of you.  I realized that this is my communication.  I don't want to talk or see anyone else.  Not crazy, huh?

i want Jason back.  Period. And yes I do know that I will be able to read the autopsy and medical records.  Why is it taking so long?  I don't need the tox reports...  I just want to understand that everything  was done that could/should have been done.

My rambling is making me tired...I can just imagine it is tiring to you also.

Will talk, read, and think of all of you until  tomorrow.  Remember to breathe.

XXOO margarett 

 

 

 

[Tommy's mum]

dee love that your Eri sent a sign through a flashing light it really helps to know they are there. I like what you said about know that your heart is filled anew. Now rest and repair.  I am definitely resting, spend my days on the couch doing word games bubble shooter reading and watching tv. I will get there it is a long rehabilitation that is all.

peggy we are always here for you. It can get really lonely at times, and later on people in our lives don't want to talk about our lost child because it makes them uncomfortable but WE do it is an essential part of healing.

louanne it is so good of you to offer to speak one on one with some of our newbies. In the early days it seems difficult to jump into an established group yet we are a friendly bunch and welcome everyone. Yep I will suggest some plants to you when your spring is on the way you will need to let me know the type of sun amounts you get etc. There are some easy care plants you can grow from seed but I prefer to buy small established plants because I am too impatient!! Shrubs that give colour are good because most of them are evergreen. Yep I can bore you silly talking plants and flowers!

margrett you are not hallucinating just very wishful wistful thinking. It can happen on the road too you see a car/truck that looks like your kids' and away into fantasy land with tears on your face. It happens there are many triggers but you will adjust it is very slow but you will adjust.

[ericasmom]

Love those screen shots Lesley. Thank you.
Margee, I think the site is experiencing some issues as I could not even get in this morning earlier, it would not allow me. So I don't think it is you...if it is, it is also me. And I too, am tech-challenged. I know that the tangible things that were our Kids, are hard and precious all in one. I wrote a poem about it, Tangible Things. I will post it later when I have access to my bank of poetry...though it might be on site around here somewhere.

[TearsInHeaven]

Dee, what an incredible sign from Eri.  That had to sent your heart into the stratosphere! I so appreciate when you share those things as it makes me feel  that while I hate my "new" normal there is hope that as time goes on Michael will still stand with me in this. My heavy heart just gets me to look into the dark side too often. I so like to see others share their signs.

Lesley, your snippets are always meaningful but these last two.... "when I am ready to join the world once more" really says a lot. Hoping that healing will start to mend your ankle soon.  

Margarett, the medical examiner's office every where takes a LONG time.  We waited over 6 months. You can request hospital records if Jason was taken to the hospital that will tell you what went on in the ER. (sorry I am old school) ED. It is really hard to read those but if you just need to know.... I still have frequent flashes of the ERMD looking at the clock and saying,"Time of death 2023".  On another note, Virginia is NiquesMom.  And you are doing well with the site.  You added your signature which will always be there now.  If you ever want me to try to help you with this, message me and we will set up a time to maybe walk you through anything you want.  I have supported applications for over 18 years...while not this one...but should be able to help you out. I "officially" worked in IT since 2004 but prior was my department's computer liasion. Sadly, I do not work now but that means I have a lot of time on my hands. Communicating on this site with so many people reaching out to help made a big difference for me.

Peggy, it is understandable that your thoughts and conversation are always with Ronnie. You are not even 2 months into this unimaginable path. Your heart is in a thousand pieces. Your family is trying to help but  they too are not exactly sure how to help.  This road is so full of pitfalls and roadblocks.  Sometimes you need to talk, sometimes you just want to stay quiet, sometimes you want to scream. After a while people fall by the wayside, they don't know what to say or if they should say anything.  They become uncomfortable around you. There is always someone here who understands.

[Mermaid Tears]

Diane...I was thinking of you the other day....you have such a mother lode of experience...very valuable for employers....have you thought about 'trying again'....for sure...a job description that would allow you to work at home. Temp services are good in that you don't have to search all over. You could be  of very good service to some employer in your area. Now...I know that you have probably thought of this already....but I just wanted to be the kind of friend that would encourage you to use your gifts...knowledge and expertise.

[peggy a sad mom]

thanks everyone for the kind words. i made it ok today in front of people. i guess thats a start. it makes me  start disliking them. especially their normal happy lives. god i miss my old life so bad. i just wish i could have half of it back. of coarse i know that will never happen but it's that wishful thinking someone spoke about

thanks again and again not only do i hurt for me but i hurt for all of you too

[Tommy's mum]

peggy part of mourning is mourning for the life you had before, not just mourning your child. Your life is forever divided into before and after. I miss my old life too and not just Tommy. I miss our lives in America, being with my longtime great friends, the weather, my garden. You can mourn many things in life. I hurt for all of us too I feel like all our kids are connected just as we are. Being resentful of other people's happy lives is normal, so is thinking why my child? Why not an another family? Why us? I get it completely it is so unfair so wrong, no parent should have to bury their child, only old people should pass not children and young adults. It is a really hard burden to bear. I know you are probably so sick of all of us saying time heals, take your time, you cannot rush mourning, but time is what we all have, time to think back, time to wish it wasn't true. I remember being given that advice and thinking are they crazy? How can I ever get through this? but against the odds I am still here and so will you be. You have done so well keep going my friend.