Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Kristin, how good it is to see your Beautiful Boy smiling out at us this morning, a sunny smile indeed. I know that as you approach your second angelversary and birthday here without your Boy, you will need to hang on. I went along doing pretty well living my best life as I learned the twists and turns of early grief,  always keeping Erica on my shoulder and nearby, but it was just at that two year mark that I remember going onto my little enclosed front porch to watch the sun come up and listening to Neil Young, who she had seen two weeks before dying, out at Bonaroo in Tennessee, (he'd always been one of my favorites) and he sang, " because I'm so in love with you, I want to see you dance again..." I fell to the floor and wept, and wept and scream-cried...I kept replaying the song and cried and cried until the tears stopped and I could go out for a walk. I was desperately sad at that time, as somehow, the mark of time and the march of time felt too heavy. It was about a week of deeply blue and unable to focus before I found my groove again, found Erica nearby and felt her peace, knew she was more than fine and though I am always missing her, I do feel so grateful to know her and to feel her in all that I do. She is my guide, my muse in all the ways I live. I know that if she could change one thing about me, it would be to tone down my anxiety, but that is just who I am and I don't figure that will change much. She knows. I am glad that you were with your Dad when he left, and I am sure that your Son was right there with his arms extended to pull your Daddy through. Blessings to your Momma, that is a long long time to live with someone. Goodness knows you are balancing a great deal of ache and loss, so look up to the sky and ask your Boy to assist you in finding your way to feeling the sun on your face again, to hearing the birds sing you awake each day. Hope be yours.

[Somersky]

Thank you for those words.... I truly needed them and I knew where to turn. Sadly no professional can understand as much as they try....! Your words are powerful and meaningful and I will hold on to them. 

[ericasmom]

No thanks necessary but I sure am glad that I can be of some assistance...we were put in this spot for what???we don't get to know at this time, but I figure as so many here have, that if I have to feel this, the best thing I can do with my grief and knowledge of it, is to help out where I am somewhat of a reluctant expert...you have done the same for others, and as you do this, you will feel your pieces fall into place again, making room for all that you are now.

[daveydow1]

Hello to  all   INDIGOS......

Lesley-----sending prayers for your dear dad's recovery.

 

Kate----Only very early signs of spring so far......much snow on the ground,

cold & windy.   Even the cat doesn't want to go outside.    The only farm

activity right now is the hauling of manure  (by neighboring farms).   The

horses down the road are always out to pasture though.....they've been

pawing away the snow, hoping to get to some grass.  The cold doesn't bother

them,.....nor any cows or sheep that are out to pasture in the area. The forsythia

bush is bravely holding onto the tiny blooms....keeping them against the cold.

Pussy willows are in full bloom....cold does not effect them much.  Do you

still have snow and wintry weather there?   I'm ready for spring! 

 

Laurie-----Good to see your post 

 

PEACE   TO   ALL

Davey&Lisasmom,    sherry

[peggy a sad mom]

somersky i think it is the first i saw you on here. i am so sorry for loss. tomorrow is 9 weeks for me. i used to love saturdays most of my life and just like anything else in my life i hate them now. this message is for everyone. first i want to repeat myself i would never ever commit suicide because i am so afraid god won't let me see my son if i do but i want to ask about something i am going through now. my son lived with me he did have a girlfriend but he was never married never had kids and even at 44 he was my life. i am married (not to his father) but its a different kind of love as you all know. anyway i really really feel like i have nothing to live for. why would i want to be here without him. even if everyone can tell me i will learn to live with this why would i want to? i am trying to explain this to my sister and my friend they say they need me. i'm like for what give me a break for what! it just hurts so much every day. i got a letter from the medical examiner today i flipped before opening it and all it said was when they get the paper work back they will send me a letter. if i couldn't handle that how would i handle his new death certif. and his autopsy. i hate seeing his name next to the word deceased. omg i can't take much more. i don't know if i will be back on today so if you respond i'm ok i just want to go to bed. i watch tv as much as possible. please let me know what every one thinks about this

thanks

peggy  

[TearsInHeaven]

Peggy, I understand what you are saying.  The pain is so brutal, there is nothing that can compare to it.  Trying to somehow exist and deal with the loss of your child is the hardest thing you will ever have to do. This loss should never have happened and you know that if there was anyway to change that you would. The pain is excruciating and when you are not in pain you are numb. You were taught that as you grew to adulthood and lived life as a good person things would work out well.  Well, sadly here we are. I know I can relate to everything you said. There was NOTHING in my makeup that prepared me for this. Those early weeks are a big blur of pain.  Somehow I think I sort of functioned but I mostly remember the pain, the darkness, the feeling of hearing things and seeing things as if I were underwater.  (And, yet, I worked) After a couple of months I did take the suggestions of writing things down---how I felt, how I missed my son, how this pain was so unbearable, how much I loved my son.  Did it help??? I think as a look back it did.  My husband is my son's father and I know his grief was overwhelming but he tried so hard to be there for me.  Writing did help me put down the words I didn't want to say aloud. Some how time kept moving forward while I was hurting.  And yet, I would sometimes reread what I wrote and, not sure how, but I was seeing little changes in what I wrote.  I still have some bad moments and I am 3 years 4 months along---I have tears as I am writing this because I remember how hard 9 weeks was.  Oh Peggy, just know that at some point you will see a little light.  Ronnie will help you because your love for him didn't end 9 weeks ago nor did his love for you.  Grief has no timetable nor any instructions.  We make our way through in our own way.  After this loss our psyche gets lost and we find ourselves wired differently. I once read in one of the gazillion things I have read is that "Healing doesn't mean you will never feel sadness, it means that you have allowed memories to remain that you can now look at without despair."  Its a long road to that point but it will happen. No cliches.  Just a recollection. My son was 36.

[Somersky]

Skylars autopsy was “undetermined” ... I gave him cpr and saw his eyes roll back felt his life slip away. I saw my baby leave. When they say “soul mate” Skylar was my soul mate

[Jeff's Mom]

We saw and felt Jeff leave as well. Nothing could have prepared us for what happened that night. What we have learned to do over a period of time is to make ourselves remember the good stuff about him. I know he would not want us to focus on those last few hours. In a word....HELL! 

I can not explain why I am at peace after all of this time. I ache for him almost every minute of the day, but I still know deep within that he is in a very good place. I need to move forward with my life as it has yet to be completed. I, too, struggled with those dark thoughts at the beginning. I honestly think we all do.  I can not in all sincerity give you a reason to live... as only you can find that place deep within that calls to you to continue. 

I no longer try to struggle with those that just can't get it. In truth... why should they? How could they? Only actually walking this path can we truly understand the depth of this loss. They do not understand and never will...so why expend the energy in beating yourself up over it. Just accept those that extend a sympathetic ear and compassion. Be grateful for that much. 

Time is a great healer as much as we get frustrated in hearing that. At some point along the way we begin to notice that the pain starts to soften around the edges. It eases somewhat. Laughter and light begins to enter your life again. Never feel guilty about being happy again. Our children were filled with youthful energy and exuberance and would want us to continue that legacy. Beyond the sadness there is also much beauty in life. There is much to be said about taking the time to smell the roses. Just a pure simple act of appreciation can give so much back. Simple joy and a moment of peace. In truth...life is good. Live for the moment.

 

[Jeff's Mom]

Sherry, yes we are still experiencing a form of lingering winter. It is warming up slightly, but the forecast is calling for yet a dusting of snow over the weekend. The trees are laden with buds longing to open. We need a succession of warm and sunny days to actually accomplish that. My goal is for next weekend to see a turn around. When those daffodils finally show their cheerful faces I will be a happy camper indeed.

Susan and Leah, thinking of you.

Lesley and Georgina, I hope this coming weekend will bring some relief for you. Sending sincere wishes for a speedy recovery to all.

[Tinay]

This is what I've got done so far. Not sure if using a sharpie to get her drawing on it will work. If not I can go over it again

[Mermaid Tears]

Well said, Kate....

Peggy....what you are feeling is normal....I think each parent goes through a dark tunnel of 'what is the use'....our purpose and direction is so shattered....it takes a long time to have that 'heartbeat' come back.

Somersky....we can so understand your heavy grief...and feeling numb....to have your SONshine boy leave on the day he was born...

Tinay...I think it is beautiful....

[Tommy's mum]

tina that marbling effect is gorgeous how do you do it? Do you need special paints? You made it through that angel day good for you it is the hardest day of the year isn't it?

somersky it has been a while. Sorry about your dad it must have been very difficult and especially for your mum as their marriage was so long she must feel lost. April will be here soon enough and you will be facing the angel date too. Just think of all the positives about Skylar your precious boy, his talents his jokes his hobbies and passions his acheivements and all the people who love him like you do.

peggy it is just so awful how we go from school reports or graduation scrolls or work acheivements to getting an autopsy report and police report. It is so very hard to get your head around it. Take your time and decide if you really need to read it at all, you could just file it away and read it much later on when you are stronger that is ok too. It was over a year after Tommy died that I joined this lovely group. For the longest time i could not write or say my son died or i lost my son without bawling my eyes out. Now I can tell his story fairly calmly to poeple if i want to. for me another huge stumbling block was taking his name off my will and off my beneficiaries list I struggled with that for a couple months then did it. Felt really wrong to see his name erased but it simplifies the paperwork for my other kids for when my time is up. i know Tommy will never be erased from my life. Although technically he is now younger than his sister, for me he will always be that vibrant ,loud ,sensitive, active red head, forever young at 24, my first child, my first boy. he is with me always until we meet again. It is the same for you Peggy your Ronnie will always be part of your family always. Those feelings of worthlessness that you don't have anything to offer that others would be better off without you that you feel you are a burden and useless are all words that depression and grief tell you. They are not true but after a while they seem to be true and as your self esteem drops you are more likely to listen to depression and grief and that is a dangerous place to find yourself believe me I know.

[My girl is in heaven]

Peggy.  I have asked that question myself so many times.  I have contemplated that thought more times than I would like to admit.  I don’t have an answer. We would be out of our pain, but we would be leaving those behind with a life time of sadness.  Our kids in heaven would say mom, it wasn’t your time, there is no time up here like on earth, we could have waited for your time to be up.  Maybe we are all here cause we needed to find each other to lean on one another along this journey.  I couldn’t bear to look at my daughters autopsy. I asked for it to be sent to a good dr friend of mine who I worked with at the hospital....I was a clerk for n medical records.  Both he and the pathologist at the hospital read it and were kind enough to talk to me about it.  Nothing really showed up they think a sudden cardiac arrthymia...and she was the healthiest girl ever.  So I never looked at and never will.  I do not have or want a copy.  Maybe you could do the same.  No matter what took them we can’t get them back as much as we would trade places with them if we could.  Not only do you have people in your life there but there is all of us here now your family too. We will probably never meet in person on here but we share a bond that transcends the whole universe and everything in it.  Can’t you feel all our hugs and hand holding...just imagine. 

Tina.  You made it and even reached out to comfort your mom and show up at that luncheon.  It is only one ripple in this ocean but it’s a big one.  I say to my self these two days of the year are just a little sadder than the other ones.  And everybody is right the build up before is usually worse then the days after the tension slowly eases out.  You are showing Grayson it is ok to be happy and find the light again.  Carry on dear friend.  

Somersky.  Nice to hear from u again.  I too lost my father in January and was at his side when he took his last breath.  I had never seen someone die before.  I broke down and this angered my siblings and they still won’t talk to me.  Kira’s death was accidental drowning but undetermined what made her collapse in the shower.  I feel a connection with you because of the similar circumstances.  How could a perfectly healthy young person go so suddenly like that.  I know this sounds strange, but I some how am almost envious of you and Kate, cause you got there soon and you tried cpr and you know you tried everything humanly possible.  If I had of went sooner and had the chance to do cpr I think I would have had that small comfort that I got there when she was still alive but nothing could be done.  See with Kira I will always wonder had I responded when a heard that she hud, that maybe, just maybe I could hav saved her.  I don’t carry it as strong as it did d in the beginning but still it will always linger in my mind.  I hope your daughter is enjoying university.  I know our angels are soaring together up there.  I don’t know why  but I just know.  Take care.  

Kate. I totally agree that trying to explain anything to those who are not in our shoes cause they will never get it.  While in my dads hospital room when we sat with him for days, my one sister said “oh I read somewhere that after 7 years you totally get over a lose of a child”,  my brother said “you didn’t get closure cause you weren’t with Kira when she died”.   I made a smart remark that the one thing I had learned over 7 years was that. 99% of people do not care as long as it didnt happen to them.  I didn’t even try to address thier comments, just wasn’t worth the effort.  But the whole room went silent.  

Well laine is giving ovechkin a bit of competition.  There are so many games on now.  I have nhl channel and start at 7 with the last game finishing up about 1145.  I’m just in my own little glory lol.  

Dianne, those poor old Blackhawks.  Maybe next year eh? 

Sherry.  Sounds like u r way out in the country.  It sounds so soothing and comforting to be away from the cities.

Dee, oh I so hear you about the so called hardships and complaints of folks.  What finally did it with me with a friend of many years was complaining and lamenting  that her daughter has to have a shot, a needle.  Really... if that’s all my daughter had of needed.  That was the final straw for me.  Gee I hope I was never that insensitive before I lost my child.  

Niques mom.  I get you.  I put up with the “my daughter” stories for years til I finally cut all those friends out.   

 

[ericasmom]

Tina, I forgot to tell you that I admire the work you did on the pretty container. It unfolds before you as you listen to your heart, which is why it is just perfect for your GIRL.

Louanne, I have always said that everything is relative, so I didn't much blame folks for talking about regular daily stuff when I was in early grief, but it was the snippets I caught while out in the world that bothered me...this many years later, I am not really affected by that as it is the daily life of folks, including me, the one thing that bothers me most though still, is " it took forever..." mostly said by young ones. I hate it because they expect everything to be done quickly which is a byproduct of our drive-thru world, but also because we do know the reality of forever.

[ericasmom]

May all the MARCH FOR OUR LIVES marches today result in a sense of strength and positive forward motion. I love what Bill Murray said the other day: The young people from Parkland and then all across our country are the same voices of the protesters back in the early 1970's who helped to change the mindset about the Vietnam War. I so agree. It is with that passion for life and that knowledge that it can be much better than this, that moves our hearts and changes directions.

[Somersky]

My girl in heaven ... no you do not want to go there! Trust me! Those visuals will forever haunt me and the fact that I couldn’t save him ... although he did recover for. 2 hours ... he would have been brain dead. The first responders made me do it because I’m a first aider.... otherwise there is no way I would have. My husband tried when I was on the phone with them... later in autopsy he broke skylars sternum.... I won’t let him know that. I often wonder why this happens to such young smart people (Skylar was a chosen as a basketball player and given a scholarship)

Skylar dying in my arms was something a mother should NEVER experience!!!  I loved him so much especially considering I lost my brother at 20 years old in a car accident... we were so close. How could this happen to me again ?

[Mermaid Tears]

Luanne.....I hope I am not talking out of turn here....but if your siblings aren't talking to you because you cried when your father passed....there must be lots of dysfunction in your family circle. I know it must hurt you on many levels. The only words I have to say to you come from my Grama....there are people on this earth home who show you how not to be. Also....she had a way to describe how to forgive....I wish I could remember how she worded it but it went like this....Forgive...let them go....just never invite them to dinner. I am thinking that you are learning to take some baby steps in being kind to yourself and releasing that heavy coat of regret..guilt...remorse that you have worn for so many years in that you could not 'save' your child. I guess you have also learned since being on this site that every parent has carried that heavy coat, too. I do believe that since you were so over and heavily medicated for so many years..(my son that is a Dr. thinks many physicians should be criminally charged when they do that)....you got 'stuck'...from no fault of your own...and those thoughts and emotions became entrenched in a very abnormal way. I do believe that rational thinking will bubble up to the surface in a person's personal grief journey....and they find the truth that they never had that kind of super human control....only super human love.

Somersky.....I could feel my heart wince when I read your first postings....and you are right....your child dying in your arms is something a mother should never have to experience. I think there has to be some very amazing angels to hover over parents that stand vigil over a hospital bed....with hearts full of love...and strong arms...and watch their child slowly slip away. There are no answers to our questions. How has your family been? How is your husband doing ? I did not seek out a grief counselor...none knew John David but I know there are some good ones out there. Have you gone to one? I wish everyone that needed help could find the kind of therapist that Dee has. You have certainly had a lot of grief to carry....and we all understand the road you are walking. My husband had enough anger for 5 men....he anguished over the question of why someone so good...and not someone who is so evil. None of us have answers but we are here to hear you.

[Tommy's mum]

dee I am with you. I am so proud that the youth who are always being criticised for their self centredness and isolation from the "real "world are using their voices and taking a stand against gun violence. I only hope it makes a difference.

I agree no parent should have their child die in their arms, and to perform resuscitation  on your child must be so, so, hard. Is there ever an easy way, no I don't think so. In my case I mourned the fact that my son died and therefore there was no opportunity to say goodbye to him whilst he was still present and warm. I absolutely know I could have made "that decision" to terminate life support because I am a huge advocate of knowing what he would want and he would have had no chance of survival in a way he would want. It would have been heartbreaking but I could have done it for him. I have been present at many deaths and termination of life support in my career and  I do sincerely know it is totally different with your own child. I mourned also the fact that none of Tommy's organs could be donated because he died so quickly because he was an organ donor and it would have helped knowing someone else could benefit. So we all mourn or wish for what we were denied, there is no easy death, no way of making that loss of your child less bearable. We have all lost a very treasured much loved child that in itself regardless of circumstamces is an appalling tragedy. I don't know the reason why this happened to us and our families and why evil people are left to live many years.

[My girl is in heaven]

Somersky.  Yes I can see your right that would be a horrible moment. It’s just nobody can tell me 100% sure that if I got there sooner could I have saved her.  I know for sure I could have saved her from drowning, but I will just never know about cardiac arrthymia part.  And I remember now the dr saying remember after two minutes in water there would have been brain damage then you would have had to take her off life support which he said would have been worse.  I am still haunted by the visions of when we got that bathroom door opened.  The only thing the dr told me 100% he knew was there is no pain or suffering with this  Arrthymia.  He said it is the most peaceful way anyone can die.  It’s a small comfort but one I took.  Skylar would have been the same probably.  Just a little crumb of comfort for us.  I hope u keep posting. We all need each other here.  Luanne

Lesley.  You r so right.  Why did Charles Manson live to be in his 80s and our kids die.  The first thing I’m going to ask god is why , second why didn’t he take me with her and third could I have saved her.  Wonder if god has a limit how many questions u can ask him.  How is your ankle coming along. How is your dad doing.  It must be so helpful as all you nurses know about all this stuff.  My dad was the first person I ever saw die and I could not believe it.

susan.  Thank you so much for your kind and comforting words.  I’m stil not 100% sure but I think my siblings thought if they were stoic and quiet it would be easier on my mom.  I wasn’t  real loud or crazy I just broke down and sad oh dad and cried beside his head where I was sitting beside him.  My brother says “stop that Luanne right now”.  My brother in law came from behind and put both of his hands around my neck and shoulders very forcefully squeezing down and said “think of your mother”.  Then they took me out of the room.  It was horrible.  That was my daughter coming to take my dad to heaven and they had no respect for that.  And my sister who was on the other side of the country sided with them and said I made it all about me and my dad didn’t die in peace cause I cried.  I like your grams idea, for my own self I have to forgive them, but no way they are ever coming for supper.  My mom is trying to brush it all under the carpet, I guess naturally moms want thier kids to get along.  We are not going to her place for Easter.  I will talk to my mom but my siblings have hurt me way beyond any kind of forgiveness.  And your dr son is so right. This psychiatrist had me on 8 to 10 pills at one point.  Mind u I didn’t feel much grief pain.  I kept repeating things, slurring my words, laying on the couch for days sometimes, etc.  But I kept saying  no he’s the dr he knows what’s right.  The pharmacist, while she couldn’t criticize a dr. , said to me do you have heart problems I said no, she said why are u on heart medication,  gee I don’t know.  Do u have diabetes, no, then why r you n diabetes medication, I don’t know. And that was nothing the psychiatric drugs he had me on like anti psychotics, anxiety depression,  I’m sure over 5 yrs I was on them all at one point or another.  Pharmacist finally said to me I think you have a lot of overlaps here.  And on top of that he gave you 10, may 15 minute appts. So didn’t get much of a chance to talk.  When I asked him about coming  off some he said no cause it was winter and some people have a harder time in winter maybe spring. So with no medical supervision I quit 10 pills cold turkey.  I didn’t know anything about weaning.  Oh my god was I sick for Three months every physical symptom from head to toe and I can’t even describe the emotional part...just suicidal all the time.  It was horrible.  I feel bad putting my sons thru that but I thought this guys the dr.  But yes all those years I kept trying to hold everything down, the pills took care of everything.  I still have to take sleeping pills, no natural sleep ability at all.  And I’m on two antidepressants. I also started a new psychiatrist a few weeks ago and I have a good feeling about this one.  I m glad with all the nurses here I have someone to ask questions now.  And thank you dear friend, as usual I can always count on somebody here with just the right words at the right time.  Luanne

[peggy a sad mom]

diane,tinay,lesley and my girl thank you so much for the kind words. i waited all day to see how you guys would explain things to me. i have so many people telling me what i should do and what i shouldn't do but i know none of them have a clue none of them. i'm sorry you have to be here but i'm glad i have you. i do need to know the cause of death not sure about the autopsy though we will see. i know i will have to be off work for a day or two after that. my husband does try hard to console me but he gets home from work at 9 pm i am home at 3 pm so i am in bed watching tv when he gets home. he does not have any children so he does not know the bond between a parent and a child. but again thank you and i know where to go when i need you not if i need you but when.

thanks again

peggy

diane 36?

[My girl is in heaven]

Hi Peggy, I’m my girl... Luanne.  I keep forgetting to get my name signed.  I’m sure Dianne will have to help me.  I am so glad you posted today.  I was so worried for you but knew exactly what you were feeling.  And no don’t let ANYBODY tell u what you should or shouldn’t do or how to feel.  Your right they don’t have a clue.  Take any crumb of comfort in anything you can.  And keep coming back.  Cause this is a family I absolutely cherish and I don’t know if I would still be here from when I found them last April.  Take care dear friend.  

[My girl is in heaven]

When love is lost,

Do not bow your head  in sadness.

instead keep your head up high and 

gaze into heaven for that is where your 

broken heart has been sent to heal. 

 

 

Luanne  Kira’s mama

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Lesley....I wanted to touch base with you about your Mom and Dad...am glad he is getting better....about your Mom and the dementia...in 2016 my Uncle fell and had to have hip surgery..and then went to rehab.....my Aunt...who is the last surviving sibling of my Mom....went into dementia...they are both in the mid 80's.....at first it was not that bad...but as time went on....she got worse. She didn't recognize her daughter....my cousin...it hurt her so bad the first time. Then when he got out and was back at home....she got better...now there was some repeating...and some short term memory lapses...but....could function..and knew everyone. Then...a month ago....he fell and this time...things have gone from bad to worse....he is on hospice now....and all the trips into Houston..and with him being gone...her dementia is back and worse. We figured that as long as he was home and she had her routine...and all was 'the way it was' she was ok. My cousins are in such a sad place....the Dr. said he would not last long...and then...trying to figure out what the future will be for her. My cousin has been there with her for weeks...I went to visit them last Saturday...she recognized me...she could relate to things in the past. I wonder if she will understand when he is gone? I can see where a complete change in routine and a loved one is no longer home can cause massive confusion. I hope the Spring will bring some healing breezes for you.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Thinking of you all today. My mom is doing better, she is  somewhat weakened by the heart failure but I think that is to be expected. Her mind is still here and she seems to be getting around..

As I read about the one comment of insensitive remarks made by others, and having a hard time even hearing them... We had more than our share of that after my son transitioned. We had a 3 year trial to face afterwards and had all sorts of crazy things said. I don't put up with this kind of nonsense anymore. Mostly they are just lying to themselves as to what they would have done had it been their kid. And I am calling them on it.

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Luanne, that is just terrible. Those going to the next world know we are going to miss them. I am sorry your siblings and BIL did not get that. I faced something like that this December as my mom was close to death. I stayed with her the entire time in the hospital. Since I have had experiences that gave me proof that we continue on, I had a preparation for this moment. Though it is never easy to say goodbye until I see you again. It was okay to cry, as it is all part of the human experience and loving a person. 

[TearsInHeaven]

Luanne, I'd be glad to help you add your signature. I did add some step by step instructions (page 2508) but would be glad to talk you through it.. Just message me and we can set up a call or something. How awful that they kept you on medications that did all of that to you.  You have come a long way and it is so good for you to share, your words are very helpful.

Peggy, yes, Michael was 36, a little younger than your Ronnie. I read his autopsy report and it was difficult but very clinical. My husband had requested pictures (not sure why) but to this day they remained sealed in an envelope and certainly will never be opened in my lifetime.  It did take 6 months to get the report.  The first couple of months I was like a mad woman NEEDING to know but I am sure I could not have handled it then.  By six months I was probably done looking at the phone to ring or him to walk in the door.  

Tina, what a creative piece for your beautiful daughter. 

Somersky, I am agreeing with everyone that the countdown days to the angel date and birthday are so difficult. I hit the 3 year mark last November and I was a total mess.

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Susan, I am sorry your cousins are having such a rough time. Hope all is better with  you.

Dee and Sherry, thanks for the encouragement and all you both give to others. 

Kate, good to see your posts.

Somersky, thinking of you as Skylar's birthday approaches.

Lesley, sending healing thoughts for your dad and mom.

Peggy, my oldest son was so much a part of our world...you have come to a safe and good place here. I am thankful to all the parents who have shared their children's stories and lives with me. 

Dianne, good to see your post, it came on just after i put mine on.

 

[ericasmom]

Peg, I remember way back nearly 15 years ago, when an old friend asked me if I wish I could die? I thought it was odd that she asked me but at least she knew that it was a thought that probably goes through bereaved parents have. What is the point is I think what you asked? Why would I want to stay here without my Child? It is a hard life to find, this second life that we carve from ashes, it is not the life we wanted, but it is the life we create when our old life is taken. Like these kids said today in their marches around the country; we will never be the same from this change. And so we wander around in our lives and find tiny pieces of recognizable bits, and people like our siblings and spouses, but our relationships with them even change and so we are out there, on a thin little ribbon of land and we are very much alone in our life...until we find a way to connect ourselves to the world again. This place is our bridge to hearts that get it, and so here you are Peggy, finding your heart aligned with ours, free to ask us anything that you think, knowing that you can't be wrong in your way of grieving and that you are a part of a large forum who is holding you close. Perhaps the  purpose of your life is to carry the light of your Son into the lives of whomever needs some love and illumination...to carry on the love that is yours and Ronnie's because our love for our Children did not die the day they did, it lives on and is the energy that leads us through our hardest times. Speak about Ronnie everyday to us and to others, he is your Son forever, he is not something to get over, he is someone to take with you in every thing you do.

Susan, how are you feeling these days? Are you feeling your energy coming back? It has been nice to see you here more often in the last few days...

 

[ericasmom]

Peg, I remember way back nearly 15 years ago, when an old friend asked me if I wish I could die? I thought it was odd that she asked me but at least she knew that it was a thought that probably goes through all bereaved parents. What is the point is I think what you asked? Why would I want to stay here without my Child? It is a hard life to find, this second life that we carve from ashes, it is not the life we wanted, but it is the life we create when our old life is taken. Like these kids said today in their marches around the country; we will never be the same from this change. And so we wander around in our lives and find tiny pieces of recognizable bits, and people like our siblings and spouses, but our relationships with them even change and so we are out there, on a thin little ribbon of land and we are very much alone in our life...until we find a way to connect ourselves to the world again. This place is our bridge to hearts that get it, and so here you are Peggy, finding your heart aligned with ours, free to ask us anything that you think, knowing that you can't be wrong in your way of grieving and that you are a part of a large forum who is holding you close. Perhaps the  purpose of your life is to carry the light of your Son into the lives of whomever needs some love and illumination...to carry on the love that is yours and Ronnie's because our love for our Children did not die the day they did, it lives on and is the energy that leads us through our hardest times. Speak about Ronnie everyday to us and to others, he is your Son forever, he is not something to get over, he is someone to take with you in every thing you do.

Susan, how are you feeling these days? Are you feeling your energy coming back? It has been nice to see you here more often in the last few days...

 

[MargeeTx]

I am so glad that Tuesday is  over for another week.  Which one of you is Virginia?  I think I missed a post.  I am trying like heck to get everyone's names right,but I swear, just when I think I am making progress, I screw up someone's name, without even trying.  Could be my diet.... today I had 4 chocolate chip cookies, followed by a piece of pizza from day before yesterday, with coffee.  Day old pizza ain't bad if you zap it for only 40 seconds, so the crust doesn't turn into something unchewable.  And besides, when I ended up with a full set of dentures a couple of years ago, chewing and French kissing just are not he same.  And don't reveal my denture fact to ANYONE... they are a secret.  I just finished reading the book recommended for Meredith about the loss of a sibling....

[MargeeTx]

Dianne:  you are going to have to help me with the postings. This site.  The above post was day's ago,and I am not responding  to myself. ( probably should).  Maybe we could set up a time and I would be happy to call you so we could be together as you attempt to help this old lady.

This has not been  good week for me and I see that so many of you have had tremendous stuff going on... it makes me feel like a little cry baby with my stuff.   I cannot get the autopsy out of my thoughts, though there really wasn't anything that should have thrown me for that kind of loop.  I have cried all day,every day,since I read it.

Lettie and I share the same angel date and I am worried about her.

Our weather has been beautiful this week' and I am carrying around my  feathers from Jason.  I can only last about 2-3 Hours each day... sometime I will tell you guys my health issues that kicked me to the ground on

 

10/28/16.  Every piece of dirt, every weed, every flower would only be here because Jason made my 4 flower beds around my back yard.  I have no idea where that above space came from.   They are alll curving and at least 6 feet deep. I am still working on adding perennials and grasses,but it is getting there.  But I have cried so much that now I have bloody sores all in my nose.   I can't stand to be out there, but being out there is the ONLY place that I want to be. 

I have not heard from who I thought was  one of my very best friends but once since Jason died.  And she is a flipping social worker!  You would think that if anyone would be knowledgeable as to how badly I need someone, it would be her.

i came so close to taking an overdose the other night about 2 in the morning that I woke Mike up just to have someone sane enough to keep me from doing it.  So he now has all of my dangerous RX locked up in his gun safe.  He is handling my meds for me.   How much pressure can I possibly put him through???

Everyone tells me that God does not give us more than we handle.Really?  

I want the one that I will never have again....my Jason.

I am sorry I am such a mess right now.  But this is the only place that I feel that I can say what I feel.  And it helps so much.... seeing that all of you are hanging on.

My first rose this year.

 

 

 

[ericasmom]

Margee, I think that crying everyday since you read the autopsy is your release...it is your way of letting grief pour through you, from you. It is your body/spirit/heart's reaction to such finality. Yes, you knew the autopsy would read similarly, but seeing it and knowing it means what it means is very terrible and affirming and you are experiencing full on grief. Life has been obscenely altered and it is hard to know who or how to be. Hold on...and know that we are here and get it.

[Jeff's Mom]

I have some amazingly good news to share with you all... and can not believe how wonderful it was to hear this at this special time of the year with Easter around the corner. Ross went for his usual cancer check up and blood work the past week. On Friday he went to his doctor for the results. Cancer free! Everything has cleared up! His eye is good. His blood work is excellent and he told him he stands a better chance of dying from a stroke or heart attack than from cancer. We are so grateful and feel beyond blessed to have heard this news. We have held on tight to our faith over these very difficult few years and faced it as best as we could. To have faced this so soon after Jeff died and then his own mother died from colon cancer was almost a death sentence. Never give up anyone. Never give up hope. Hold on to your belief system with everything you hold dear. God heard our prayers and did not desert us. Apart from being tired from mostly the stress he is doing just fine. He had end stage three colon cancer and it had spread to lymph nodes. Surgery and chemo. Gone. Just gone. They tested everything. Now for a nice holiday to get away and celebrate.

Yesterday we decided to celebrate by heading into the city to enjoy the yearly Orchid Display at the conservatory and grab a nice lunch. What a great day it was. Jeff walked along side us every step of the way. I know our boy was on our side. Footprints in the Sand is what it was all of the way. My faith is stronger than ever.

Love to All, Kate

[Tommy's mum]

kate what wonderful news I am happy for you both, a huge relief it is so good to get some positive news on here. Bet the orchids were stunning and yes Jeff was with you all the way.

margarett so pleased you are still gripping on throughout this even if its by your fingernails. Glad your meds are locked up too tempting to have them around when you are so low and vulnerable. My family did the same and I was only allowed weekly meds given to me by my mental health worker for several months and i am only prescribed a month meds at a time evn now by the pharmacist. It is pro thinking to keep you safe that is all. The rose is just beautiful and early in the season too isn't it? I have one rosebush and two climbing roses in my garden and would love more. It has taken me six years to fill in my garden a few plants at a time then seeing if they are happy where they are planted or not. There was very little here before mainly evergreen trees and bushes. I gradually replaced them with very small evergreens in tubs and a magnolia and lilac also in tubs to fit in with the small space i have.

laurie thanks for your kind wishes concerning my parents and I hope your mum is doing better. My dad still can't do stairs so is still in hospital but doing very well.

susan thanks. I feel my mum will do better once order is restored and my dad is home. Things being out of routine do mix her up a bit. I stayed the last 3 nights with her but am back in my own place now. When my dad comes home either my sister or I will stick around for a couple nights until all are settled in. My dad is a v strong character and does not like being told what to do or being fussed over so not being allowed to drive for a few weeks and being frustrated with his tiredness will be interesting. He does most things in the house including cooking and shopping to help Mum.

louanne i agree with Susan that forgiveness is a good thing but does not have to mean you have family over all the time just being in contact. I feel sorry for your Mum too it must hurt her to have her children falling outb ecause we know as parents ourselves how good it feels to see our children happy and with a close relationship to each other. One day she too will be gone and all you have left is your siblings. My best friend's brother finally made up with his 3 sisters when one of them had a cancer diagnosis after almost a decade of not speaking and all of them are so relieved that they have connected again. It takes time and sometimes other circumstances to change (his wife lost her dad to cancer fairly recently) and maybe it won't be the same as before but the fact it causes you sadness and anger means you do care about them still.

somersky I am thinking of you over this difficult time. Your son passing on his birthday is hard the memories must all get mixed up inside. Be kind to yourself and come back when you are ready, we will be here for you.

I have been having a harder time with my sister recently too. I know pain and the meds make me more grumpy but we are finding it hard to connect meaningfully at the moment. I know it was a shock with my dad and i think being back visiting to the hospital brings back bad memories for her of seeing me in ICU and the uncertainty of good recovery. She wants to visit every day which i get but I cannot go unless she or my mum drive and push my wheelchair, so on the two times she insisted they visited together I was kinda pissed. We only visit once a day but usually stagger it. My brother came down and they left early for her house so mum and I did not get to see him much either as she and my brother visited dad together. She has made a few really cutting comments to me that have also left a mark and I know I have to bite my tongue and let it go but I confess it is hard. So no such thing as perfect families Louanne!! We all have our stuff.

 

[ericasmom]

For all that are feeling so empty...it will not always be like this.

 

Who have I become?

 

I am an empty vessel.

I am a dry riverbed right now, just stones and wisps of once greened plants, dry and forlorn, windblown and forgotten.

I am a place that feels barren and isolated by all that has been lost and while much had been cultivated and grown in that space, in that time, it feels beyond my grasp now.

I can’t see it through the salt-river that runs from me.

 I feel like that hollow stem I spoke of when she first left, the stem of a dahlia, hollow and stiff.

 Tension coursing through me like a white water, and killing everything in its path-caustic river.

I know that I will not always be as I am now, one day I will be green again, with purpose-

filled with life and hope again, and the dust will be swept away by a cleansing breeze of rebirth, of new starts, I will shake free,

but today, yesterday too, perhaps for a bit of time, I am a dry riverbed with nothing to offer.

[ericasmom]

KATE! What fabulous news my friend, my goodness I am so glad for you both. HOORAY! And happy days to you both, and what a song your Jeff is singing as you take him into these better days.

[Somersky]

The hard thing was they asked for Skylars eyes... we only had 10 minutes to decide. We donated his eyes... I reflect back and hope I made the right choice

[peggy a sad mom]

somersky you made the right choice! luanne i should have known by now that was your name. thank you.. dee i can see everyday is different so i try to know tomorrow will also be different.  margaret you needed to let it out for sure. i have been crying the entire time 9 weeks and 1 day. i am sure if this keeps up i will get sick from something. i try not to but as we know it can't be helped. you can't stop crying from something that hurts so much day in and day out.. i do want the future to be better but i just can't see it. i am 60 yrs. old i have nothing but a job i'm not crazy about. my husband is good to me but i am finding it hard to let him help me. as usual i guess i am taking it for granted like always have my son around and never ever thinking something like this could happen. i just don't know any more.

peggy

[Jeff's Mom]

Ross had two surgeries in the past year for his eye. The first surgery they grafted a thin piece of skin from a donor to the white part of his eye. The second surgery they took the graft from under his eyelid and then glued it and stitched it to the area. Every donor that gives this amazing gift is so very much appreciated. We can't begin to show the gratitude we feel to anyone that has shown such a selfless act of compassion by helping others. Our children live on through their amazing gift. 

Lesley and Dee, apart from Ross feeling very tired lately... and he did indeed lose weight that had me concerned... it appears to have leveled off. They are going to give him potassium pills twice a day and also continue with his Vitamin B 12 for the next while. Apart from that he is good to go.  

Finally, some good news. At long last.

Peggy, hang on. It is so new for you at this point. You are doing amazingly well given how recently you lost your child. Keep posting. If it is of any help... please know that others further along have also hit the lows you are experiencing... and are now slowly starting to see some light again in their lives. It will take a long time to adjust to what has happened. Make sure you take good care of yourself. One day at a time. 

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate....at long last...after the uphill journey you and Ross have been on since 2009.....you can now walk on a level path. I know that travel to see your family has been negated because of all the health issues...and now...you and Ross are free. You have faced each challenge with such courage and a brave spirit....determined to face each day with a 'glass half full' attitude. All the while...giving all of us on this site support. Yes..it is time to rejoice and celebrate !!So Happy for both of you!!

[TearsInHeaven]

KATE, fantastic news for Ross and you.  There are no better words for a cancer patient to hear than'You Are Cancer Free!" So happy for you all.  

Somersky,  to have donated Skylar's eyes was a very selfless act.  Now because of that someone can see and will be forever grateful.  You made the right choice.

Margarett, I will be glad to help in anyway I can.  I will Message you and we can set something up....and what we cannot figure out we get get some details over to Konnie the moderator and we will have you squared away.

Margarett and Peggy,  I am not sure about the crying... I cry at some point almost very day.  It used to be every day until just recently.  I awaken every morning with the thought my son is dead.  I think I am working on that new normal bit but then something pulls the rug out from under me.  I went into Michael's facebook---which I never do and do not do Facebook myself---but I was looking for the name of a friend of his.  I saw pictures posted recently by his former girlfriend who was traveling in other countries with a guy.  Now she and my son broke up a couple of years before he died but they had been together for a long time.  We accepted her as part of the family. But it still got to me so even though we have had beautiful sunshine today I have been unable to shake the blues and the numbness.  But for you all, the tears are so strong right now.  It will change as you move through this path, but while I am still early on this I just cannot imagine a parent who has lost a child not crying.  Peggy,  your husband may not know first hand about child loss but I am sure he is grieving the loss of his stepson and feeling the anguish of watching his wife suffer so.  

Laurie,  glad to hear your mom is doing better.  Susan, hoping your healing is progressing. Glad to see you are able to come on a little more.  Thinking about your little Veto.

Georgina, how is your daughter doing?  Wishing you comfort and peace.

Samantha, if you are able to read on here, please know you are in our thoughts. Leah, Gretchen, Becky, hope things are okay on your end.

 

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks Susan and Dianne...I can not begin to express how excited we are. Today we headed out to start the delivery of the Cancer Daffodil Pin boxes. He is proof positive to those fighting this that it can be beaten! Stay strong, positive and focused. Never give up hope. 

I am over the moon tonight.and we have had so many hugs today that it is silly. He is so ``not`` a hug person until today. 

[NiquesMom]

I have a job interview on Thursday for a new job in North Carolina.  I am going to slap the biggest and fakest smile on my face.  I need a change.  We had already been thinking of moving before nique died.  We will move by august even if we don't have a job set up because my son will start kindergarten in August and I don't want to interrupt his school year with moving.  Please send out prayers I nail this interview!

[Tinay]

Margee, I just wanted to say that I used to think God didn't give us more to handle but recently I read somewhere that he does. He gives us more so we can lean on him. I'm not sure I believe that but some days I do find comfort in it. 

The marbling is called acrylic dirty pour painting. I just googled it and folled best I could. I didn't get everything I wanted with it but it will work. I just used acrylic paint my daughter had. I know I watched a lot of YouTube videos and just jumped in. I figured if I screwed it up then that wasn't the way or I could try again. I didn't have the floetrol it said to use and there was another ingredient but can't remember what. I just used water with dish soap and Elmer's glue. I'm happy with it. Now when I have some days off, I'll try creating her picture she drew and name and dates. 

I'm still in this surreal mind frame I think. Don't really believe. I think I had a hard time too for awhile after reading everything and seeing the snap chat and autopsy photos. 

When I opened that box to make sure nothing was in it before pouring, I found a cassette tape that has a recording of her heartbeat while she was still in my tummy. My heart dropped. I came out if it pretty fast and set it aside. I still have quick moments of an panic attack. But push through and one breathe at a time.

Margee, I hate Tuesdays too. It's been a year. Still hate them. 

Gotta go, have my 3rd 12 hour shift tomorrow. At least it's not as early in the morning as the past 2. Computers were down this morning too so I had to wait 3 hours before I could pass breakfast medications. Oh well, working in the prison, they have no where else to be. I did though. That pushed my other passes later. I got off a hour and a half late. Ao, time to maybe eat and go to bed. 

Peace and love

Tina

[ericasmom]

Tina, glad that your job seems to be working out for you, but oh, those 12 hour shifts you have done...that is harsh. I know as a teacher, there are those days a few times a year where we have conferences into the evening hours and I pull a couple 12 hour days then. I get wiped out.

Peg, crying everyday is not anything to be ashamed of, it is just the way it is right now...it takes a long time for changes to take place. This is hard on marriages and relationships. My husband also never had Kids of his own, and he and Erica were not close but had gotten closer in the year or so prior to her death. (we got married when she was 14... the rocky years of puberty). After Eri died, I needed to be as alone as I could be...he was able to let me have that time and didn't hover. I know that that was not easy for him. Grief changes all things, all relationships.  I needed to process my grief and part of that was to listen to music and to take a lot of walks, to sit outside under the river birch tree, read, write, and just be left to my own. I needed to guide myself through the days, giving me a tiny amount of control in my life after losing any sense of control with Eri's death. It is very tricky, there is nothing easy about this time.

 

[My girl is in heaven]

Tina. I get those panic attacks sometimes too. Sometimes just seeing a can of pringles or jar of Nutella in the grocery store.  But your right you just breathe and push through.  I always talk to myself to say calm down, just breath, it is ok.  I’m my own mini coach.  I just remembered when she was little I would buy a box of special k cereal.  Then beside the big red k I would write ira.  So it read special kira cereal.  So she grew up thinking the cereal was called special Kira cereal...she felt special cause a cereal was named after her.  She was 17 when she died and in the pantry I had a box of special k with the ira written on it.  I didn’t even realize I was still doing that. I don’t know these panic attacks are wierd sometimes my heart beats so fast i almost can’t breath , then other times I feel my heart beat so slow I start to feel woozy. Ok all you nurses, what does that mean.  Tina I don’t know how you work 12 hour shifts.  You must be tired.  How is Grayson doing.  

Niques mom.  I hope and pray u get that job. I moved to a different city about 15 minutes away when my daughter died and kinda had second thoughts about it but now wish I’d moved further where I knew no one.  Your pain still follows of course but a fresh start I think helps.  Fingers crossed too for you.  Let us know.  Unfortunately those fake smiles are something us grieving parents get pretty good at it after awhile.  

Kate.  Oh I wish I could give you and Ross a big hug.  I am so happy and excited for you.  That is the best news ever.  God knows we deserve a little good news once in awhile.  So so happy for you. 

Peggy.   I know dear friend.  I hear you.  I’m 57 , lost my daughter when I was 50; gave up our dream house we built cause I couldn’t live where Kira had died, then got fired from my job of 29 years cause of my grieving, too old to get rehired anywhere, my siblings won’t talk to me at all, not even inviting me to family functions and all friends I have had back then are long gone.  And if I hadn’t have stumbled onto this site last April I’m pretty sure I would be gone too.  So hold on , just hold on.  Remember hands and hearts.  And I need you in three years when I’m 60 to tell me what it’s like.  One day hour or minute,  u can do it.  

Luanne, Kira’s mom.  

[My girl is in heaven]

On 2018-03-23 at 10:54 PM, Tommy's mum said:

. Those feelings of worthlessness that you don't have anything to offer that others would be better off without you that you feel you are a burden and useless are all words that depression and grief tell you. They are not true but after a while they seem to be true and as your self esteem drops you are more likely to listen to depression and grief and that is a dangerous place to find yourself believe me I know.

Lesley I think u tore those words right out of my heart and head. I have fought those thoughts since I was very young when I thoughts kids weren’t supposed to be happy.  That indeed is a dangerous place to go but grief and depression do such a good job of convincing us they are our friends. 

[Tinay]

Kiona was a donor. When they first asked, we said ok. Then I saw her and changed my mind. But after talking to life source, I agreed. One of her cornea's is in Egypt and the other in Honduras. We haven't heard of any other donations being used yet. I'm glad I agreed. 

[Somersky]

Do any of you feel like your losing your mind? The grief overwhelms me...as the 2 year anniversary approaches 

[ericasmom]

Erica was a donor as well, at the time of her death, her vital organs could not be given to others due to having taken her off oxygen and being deprived of that for an hour, but her eyes and her bone went to many, one older man woke up the next day with sight, and one middle aged woman as well. Her bone went to many, including joints if I am not mistaken. Her heart valves also went. I never doubted our decision in this.

Virginia, the only caution I have about your moving, is that you have to slap a fake smile on your face, but I sure do get it. I just hate for anyone to enter into a new anything without being able to acknowledge the ache in your heart...it is real and may need to be discussed in a very real way if you need time off in the future. Since you and your family were looking to move prior to Niquee's death, well this may be a way to pull things together that you and your husband were planning. I wish you luck and goodness.

 

Sandy are you out there Sweetie?