Loss of an Adult Child

[daveydow1]

Lesley----This is what it is like here.......snowy and blustery in April. I, too, want to

get out and do things in the garden, but it will probably be awhile.  

[ericasmom]

Wow Sherry, that is a pretty photo but oh, chilling. It is global warming though cause the seasons are a bit mixed up, we had a mild winter here and now winter won't leave, cold and below freezing at night and not very much more during the day but at least today it is sunny. Didn't sleep much at all last night and so I am hoping for a better sleep night tonight, it is hard for me to fully let go and sleep when I babysit over night.

Kate, as far as the woman you have so extended yourself too this year of grief for her...I might say that I only have about 10 minutes for a phone conversation today, and if she asks why, you can tell her that you understand the deep grief, but that it is hard for you to keep your spirit in sync when so immersed in her loss. So in order to take care of yourself, you need to limit the time spent in anger management and if she would like to go for a weekly walk, that would be nice or some other gentle way of connecting...Sometimes we have to walk the other way.

[My girl is in heaven]

Sherry.  Ok I’m totally not going to complain.  We don’t have that much snow but is still very cold and windy.  That looks like January.  You poor dear.  

Kate.  Wow you have been an awesome friend to that lady but she sounds like she needs professional help and she will have to decide that for herself.  I hope u don’t let her suck the life out of you.  U have your own grief journey that you have fought so hard to take steps forward and you got some really good news about rosses health. You should be enjoying and revealing in the fact life handed you a good card this time.  I know that must be a hard line to walk but I think you should not get pulled down by this lady.  Goodness knows you have worked hard enough to get where you are and shouldn’t let anyone interfere with that.i hope she finds some professional help.

dianne, oh please don’t say Nashville will take the cup, but I think  you may be right.  I don’t like Carrie Underwood and her husband mike fisher is on that team so I don’t want that team to win...I know wierd eh.  And I don’t like L.A.  Either.  But any other team I like.  Tons of hockey on tonight and then the playoffs starting.  

Sounds like all of us who are supposed to be getting spring r still stuck in winter.  Crazy weather anyway.  I know here in southern Ontario (did I ever mention how very much I hate living here lol ).  It is usually the may victoria weekend before you can plant flowers.  

Happy hockey watching friends....it is really the most wonderful time of the year.

devianez, Becky, Lou, margee..how  r u doing.  

Sherry... you just gotta start watching hockey, the blue jackets r a pretty good team.  Columbus blue jackets, that’s Ohio right.   

[Jeff's Mom]

LouAnn, Jets play Chicago tonight. On Wednesday they are planning a whiteout... as all attendees will be dressed in white and will be given a white towel. The noise level should hit the roof.

Sherry and everyone....thanks for your advice. It has been a really difficult winter in trying to be supportive. I have decided to delete what I wrote about her in case she should read it. 

On a more cheerful note we took a short drive this afternoon to our favourite greenhouse to visit with the owners. We had a terrific walk through their greenhouses and a lovely chat. It was balm for my soul after so many long cold months. I just stood there and drank in the pure bliss of the aroma of freshly planted and new growing plants. New beginnings. Can't wait!

Sherry, can it be possible that you are having snow at this time as well? Ok, I am Canadian and probably crazy... but I will say that I saw beauty in your picture of the freshly fallen soft snow covering the shed and ground.  

Lesley, I see your weather is in full spring mode. Rain to freshen the gardens is just the ticket. How I envy the fact you are so far along. Keeping my fingers crossed I will soon be out as well.

I also wanted to mention about young Jonathan...I saw a clip of his mother and her undying and devoted tender care for her adored young man. Could any mother do more than she did? Never. Her heart while I am sure is broken at this time is most likely bursting with pride at how truly wonderful her son was. A beautiful soul now in a beautiful place.

Wishing everyone a peaceful evening.

Kate

[My girl is in heaven]

Kate. Yes so touching the story of the butterfly boy. It said his mom was with him every step of the way and he was such a brave boy.  I love what u said about the butterflies waiting for him in heaven.  They had a gord  downie song on with a picture of that boys hockey team and a picture of the wheat fields in Saskatchewan before the hockey game.  Absolutely devastating.  Wish I could just go hug those parents. Ok I was watching Toronto game but I turned n the Winnipeg game (yippy they just scored),  so now we can feel all cozy and connected. Dianne I assume your watching too.  Games on up til 1030 tonight.  

[ericasmom]

Kate, it is pretty that photo of Sherry's...there have been several springs where we saw snow as late as my birthday in later April but I sure would like some high 50's and low 60's. To me the low 60's with sunshine is perfection. I am so touched by the Butterfly Boy's story. What a brave and tender person with the strength of 10,000 people. Bless him and his family as he finds his new home.

Sarah? you still reading?

[Tommy's mum]

Now Johnathon is at peace with all the butterflies what a lovely image. Seventeen so young. being a former nurse I watch a lot of medical documentaries and am blown away by the bravery and sunny personality that so many of these youngsters can display in the face of such daunting illnesses. I can only hope that their stories inspire more research and future treatments for others.

kate I may have missed a post about the lady who is in such dire distress. I also became demented with grief but decided not to join the forum until I was a bit more stable because I did not want to bring everyone down. grief can be so overwhelming but what people do not realise is that for someone who has lost a child they are still so fragile themselves even years afterward and can be swamped by someone else's devastation. Of course the desire to listen and help is strong but as others have also said a step back for yourself may be necessary. calling for such a long time is draining and you do have to look after yourself first. Gardening is all about new beginnings and new life I love it too.

dianne thank you again for your kind email  i am afraid you caught me on a vulnerable day and I kinda burbled on as I try to make sense of child loss and belief systems.  it is really informative reading what other parents think and feel and forms that community spirit. we are all so very different but have that common bond. on the subject of weather when i lived in the States I enjoyed the rain because it was not very frequent and it refreshed my garden but here in the UK we get so much rain and overcast days it pulls you down. i am definitely solar powered!

sherry that snow pic was gorgeous. I used to love the snow when I did not have to go out in it, digging out the driveway...... not so much. Stay warm.

louann enjoy the hockey games it is so important to find something that brings you pleasure i can picture you jumping up and down and yelling at the tv. i used to enjoy watching games too but there are few games televised here.

[TearsInHeaven]

Colleen, glad that you caught us up on what is going on with you.  Bicycles are not something I could manage---good for you.

Sherry, all that snow makes me shutter.  My weather is like Dee's.  We have had snow in the forecast but for what actually came down, we have not had it stick.  Just not a snow person...must be from all those years of walking a mile to and from school...in a dress. Lordy, that makes me sound like and old fashion movie! Your picture was quaint and believe me I can appreciate the white and the quiet as long as it is not outside my window.

Gretchen, Tina,  you have both done such wonderful tributes to your children.  Being able to share them is what keeps us going.

Kate, Luanne, yes watched the hockey game last night. That was pretty special the tribute to those lost and injured on the young hockey team.  I heard they lost one more last night. those families so devastated.  The Jets had their way with the Hawks and the season here is now over.  Nice tribute for Patrick Sharp.  I thought he would be retiring.  I was so glad they got him back this year even though his year wasn't as good as he could be.  I wish they would make him a bench coach  as he would be such an asset. Nashville is no winner for me.  I hope they are eliminated fast and brutally.  I will join your band wagon for the Jets but I just think Las Vegas will be hard to beat.

Virginia, hoping that your trip goes well...would say enjoy the Tennessee mountains but then you are from Colorado so mountains are your everyday. I know when we go to Laramie we usually go to Fort Collins at least once a trip and those are some beautiful mountains we get to see. 

Peggy, hoping you are holding on.  Margarett, Sarah, Samantha, thinking of you on this cold, sunny day of 34 degrees in the Chicagoland area (my corner of  Indiana too)

 

[peggy a sad mom]

dianne i am still holding on. i read a couple of times a day i just haven't written anything. i find a lot of comfort in knowing you noticed me missing. i went to group therapy on tuesday night. i was feeling good (better) on wednesday and didn't know why i would feel better for people feeling what i feel. i do have it figured out now. i also heard stories there about police getting in touch with families after talking to friends i haven't heard from the police or his friends that spent all his time with. i sent the police an email asking for some info. i haven't heard back yet but i will call if i have to. does anyone know if i could get a copy of the police report. it's been 11 weeks but i haven't gotten the autopsy back yet. ok let me know i am ready to go down there

thanks

peggy

[TearsInHeaven]

Peggy, I would believe (sorry no concrete information) that as next of kin you could obtain the police report but you should call and find out what identification you will need to bring. In a police department emails do not always get quick attention. As far as the autopsy and coroner's report, that takes a really long time.  It took us 6 months to get my son's. It really depends on the medical examiner's office but I would contact them and let them know you want a copy so that is officially on the record.  We had to send a written request and a self addressed stamped envelope (hard to believe in this electronic age).  The autopsy report is a rather graphic record so you might want to be careful about reading it because I am not sure of hows and whats but sometimes seeing or reading needs to come with some preparation.  You cannot unsee it. One of our group just recently received the autopsy report (I think Margarett). You might want to private message her and ask. You would go into her profile by finding a post from her and click on her M and you will see how to message. She is about time wise where you are and she is a retired nurse so she I am sure would be able to talk to you.  Hope that helps and I am not stepping out of line.  And, understand sometimes just reading here on the forum can help.  No pressure ever to post.  Post when you want to and what you want to.  

[peggy a sad mom]

hi dianne thanks for answering. i sent for the autopsy already for it to be on file. they said at least 16 weeks it's 11. i looked up what exactly is done at an autopsy so i would have an idea before i read it. i do not plan on opening it without having a couple of day's off. i have plenty of id his and mine. but i just didn't know if the police report is closed if they don't know how he passed yet. yes i know margarett was very upset it is not easy for any of us. yes if the police do not answer my email i will call or go down there. i emailed him waited two full days then saw it in my spam i put the wrong email on it. i sent it back yesterday i will give him a day or two before i go on to call. thank you again you are a great help

 

[NiquesMom]

I received the police report and the autopsy/toxicology report for my life insurance.  The police report needed to be requested from a different department.  I received that number from my victim advocate.  I could not receive it until the case was closed (the DA decided not to pursue charges on the driver). The autopsy report took  8 weeks to receive.  I read part of each,  and completely regret it. I am almost at  4 months.  The detective on your child's case should have more information, have you tried calling instead of emailing?

[My girl is in heaven]

Hi Peggy.  I know from working in a medical record department at a hospital for year s you have to sign a release of information form and show I.d. , but I don’t know if it is the same for police records but I would think so.  I also typed autopsies for years so I know exactly what they do and what the words mean.  However there was no way 7 years ago, now or forever am I ever going to read one with my daughters name at the top.  I had copy sent to an internist and the pathologist at the hospital and sat down with them to go over it.  One said it was open-ended, nothing showed up, the other thinks probably cardiac arrthymia which is electrical so does not show on the autopsies.  Thinkg is nobody knows 100 percent sure why a healthy 17 year old girl would collapse and die in the shower.  I guess I will have to wait and ask god.  Just be sure that you want to read it, it can’t be unseen.  But we are all different in what will help comfort.  Keep going with always the one day, hour or minute rule.  And post as little or as much as you want.  I am always here 24/7.  I am retired.  I can email or even call for a chat on the phone if you want.  Let me know whatever I can do to help.  I have been in those early day shoes and remember well.  Remember your heart will never totally heal over but bit by bit a scab will form and it won’t hurt as intently as it hurts at this moment,  keep going dearfriend you can make it.

Luanne...Kira’s mama

[daveydow1]

LouAnn, Kate, Dianne------This was about 3 inches of snow in the pic.  We've been

getting 1 to 3 inches of snow off & on, but it usually melts off by afternoon, except

in shaded places.  Nice to look at , but yikes......I'm ready for spring. 

 

Peggy------Reading the posts can be comforting......just to know that others understand.

And, as Dianne said.....there is never any pressure to post on this site.  Everyone

decides for their own comfort,   because there are times when we just don't have

any words to post,  and that is OK.

 

Sending prayers for the young Canadian hockey team and their families.....so sad.

 

Dee---Are you rested up after having the grandies over?  They have so much energy, don't they? 

Colleen-----hope you and your husband have a great time with your new bicycles.  Great

exercise, and will be fun being part of the bicycle club. 

 

PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO   ALL   INDIGOS

[My girl is in heaven]

Lesley and Susan.  I curled up in the corner of the couch and read out loud the velveteen rabbit...not sure if Lilly was listening.  What a beautiful heart warming tale.  I have it on my coffee table and it is definitely going to be my go to book when I need a little lift.  Thank you for thinking  I’m a real bunny now....I swear god picked me up by the scruff of the neck  and got me off this couch.  I went to church again today.. my third week and I love the gym again.  Maybe it was Kira or my dad... I don’t know, something  just said to me u can’t live in that hole any more....so I’m not. 

Last regular season game on tonight.  Plays offs start wed. Kate and Dianne I guess I gotta go for Toronto first but as soon as they are out it’s jets all the way.  

[My girl is in heaven]

Lt

[shorty16]

Luanne,

so sorry you are not encouraged to honor you child and father. I will encourage you.  I am also jealous you are retired.  I am 53 and have approximately 8 years left.  

Peggy,

I think about you often.  I know 2 other mothers who lost their only child.  they are both still married and both adopted.  Marcia was 57 and adopted a newborn.  Good for her.  The bio mother left the hospital without the baby and neither parent claimed the child.  Elle is now almost 7 and keeps Marcia on her toes.  Marcia's Bethany is never from from our minds.   I think of you when you have not posted for a day or two.  It is important we care for each other.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever 

[NiquesMom]

This made me feel a little better,  in a book by Sylvia Browne.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Dee, thinking of Erica as her birthday just passed. I hope her day went well for you. 

Lou Ann, it is still very cold here...I am using my heating blanket just to keep the chill back. Our robins are scrambling for food here....I am hoping for warmer weather soon.

Nique's mom, thank you for sharing the insight from Sylvia Brown. My mom (who also had 2 children pass early) found great comfort in her writings. I think she gave a more descriptive picture of what that life-after-this-life was like and my mom found that helpful.

Susan, hope your healing is going well. 

Gretchen, loved the video. Great pictures of Forest and what a nice sharing. 

Sherry, your weather looks like ours does around here...

I just bought the Velveteen Rabbit myself...must be what is needed around here. 

Thanks all who share. 

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Erica Eileen

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Tina, thank you for sharing about your Kiona. What a loving tribute you gave to her. 

[ericasmom]

WOW LAURIE! It is amazing to see Erica, my Girl looking out at us this morning...thanks for the photo and wishes. Her day was special as it always is. I love her birthday.

Yep, snowing here right now, more than covered rooftops too as it continues to come down. I did not go out for my walk as my back is all the way out and i am walking a lot lot Igore...hunched and wincing. I will work and hopefully get in to the chiropractor. Back went out on Saturday aNd definitely added to the challenges of being fulltime caretaker of the Grandies over the weekend but still we had a great weekend. Went to the zoo yesterday, walking is really the best thing for my back when it goes out, but oh, sleep last night in my own bed was quite lovely. Ahhhh. Hang tight all, our weather is going to change come Wednesday and really be spring-like. The robins sang me awake today, they simply have the best song in the world!

[peggy a sad mom]

colleen thanks for thinking of me i would probably write more but i can't write on my cell for some reason. i am always reading though.

daveydow thank you so much

virginia thanks i will call the detective it's just more stress i don't need waiting for him to call

luanne thanks i'm not sure about autopsy i'm so confused i just want to know what was wrong with him. i'm sure they will have an answer about my son he was 44. today i was feeling different then other days. today i was just so bitter. i just hate the world. i think i am a nice person and so is my son so i just don't get it. i know we feel the same way but this was my first time like this. it just hurts so bad

thanks

peggy

[My girl is in heaven]

Peggy.  You are a nice person and I’m sure your precious son was too.  It’s all part of “ life’s not fair”.  I have gone thru that in my head a million times, with the hundreds of kids in that high school why my precious daughter , was I being punished for something.  Thing is you can search the world over and you will never get those answers. I read once where life is like a piece of needle work.  When you are in front of it looking down on it you can clearly see what the picture is, but if you are looking up from the back of it you cant tell what the picture is.  And if you want to hate the world and feel bitter I think you should go right ahead.  I still do sometimes. Probably always will.  If there was ever a person who has a right to hate the world and everyone and everything in it, it is a grieving mom.  The intensity of things will ease a bit over time.  Keep on going, get up everyday and just keep on going.  Hugs luanne

dee, what a beautiful girl inside and out.  

Luanne...Kira’s mom

[ericasmom]

Why thank you. Funny little sprite for sure.

Peggy, as Luanne has said, the why of it will never unfurl...the question is HOW. How do I live now? How do I find my purpose and my drive again? How do I deal with this anger and pain?

If you have not read any of Elizabeth Kubler Ross, do yourself a good turn and secure a copy...the stages of grief are always going to be there...and they are not linear, so you may go through anger a few different times and there may be different intensities to these...the more we understand what our brains are doing with this awful situation, the better we can find our steps, understand what you are living through and learn to be very kind to yourself...your whole self. I know what you mean, I have always considered myself a good person, but my bitterness sometimes takes me off guard...example: my sister, my closest person, has become a raging alcoholic, never was a drinker, but in the chaos of her life in the last 10 years, she recently took up drinking to add to the meds she uses for depression/anxiety. She knows better than to drink on her daily meds, but she does and it is daily...she fell the other day, tripped and hit her whole face, black eyes, who knows if she has a concussion??? I feel so bitterly angry at her for giving away her life when ERica's life was taken away and we could do nothing about it...I do get how sad she is, but I don't get how willing she is to destroy what she does have, and to drive with alcohol in her system???not okay ever! So I am facing some bitter that is not my usual...I even felt so ashamed of myself for being angry at her, but the fact is, I am afraid she is going to take someone else down with her as she throws her life away.

[Jeff's Mom]

I get it Dee. I, too, am very concerned for my friend. This is so unlike her to act the way she does. It is just awful to see a person that was so compassionate and concerned for others become so bitter and hateful towards others. Drugs and alcohol eat away at the very soul. They can bring out the worst in people if not used properly. The addiction is the only thing that matters. Getting the next fix at any cost. They bargain with themselves that they can control it if they want and can stop...but they reach a point that the only way they can kick it is with help. 

I am so sorry to hear that your sister is going through this terrible time. Was there something that triggered it? My friend called today and butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. You would not know that she had this problem. Today was a clean day. Tomorrow I probably won't even know her.

I was mad as a hatter over the weekend at her... just as you are. For the same reasons. Life is hard enough without adding this weight that could be shed if only they had the strength to seek help. Your frustration and anger stem from your concern and love for her and the very real fact that she may in actuality push herself over the top accidentally. We have seen on the site how many young adults fall prey to this sad and tragic death. 

Susan, thinking of you.

Leah...are you out there? How are you doing? You have me worried. I know you have been so ill. If you are able pm me. Thanks.

[ericasmom]

Yes Kate, she has had many triggers but just recently she hasn't been able to dodge the pitfalls, she has always had depression but we were always able to keep her boosted, her son though, is a heroin addict and as it wears on and on, it takes her apart, which I truly understand, but to add to the medication with alcohol is horrible and as a nurse, she knows much better than this, she knows what it can do...she sees the addiction of her son...and she has joined in with it. I am so sad and yes, angry at the danger she is putting herself in...

Sherry, I was exhausted by the weekend but also delighted, we had some fun though my back went out on Saturday and is still fairly out, but getting better slowly slowly. I can't get in to the chiropractor until Wednesday...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Colleen, thanks for the encouragement. I am still reading certain select books as I gain insight to help me along this path.

Peggy, as I read the comment you made about the "bitter", I wonder if it is more of reaction to the deep pain one feels when there seems to always be this "reminder" of what your life had been -- and other people who still have all their family members are a reminder to you of where you stand now. Labeling emotions or deep feelings to tightly does not aid healing, especially if that self-talk is to beat yourself up. 

In another grief forum I was on, there was a woman who lost her only son also. She would talk about how she felt bitter, and how others were reinforcing that message to her.  (she did attempt suicide and I wrote to her for awhile). Sometimes when a person is deeply traumatized -- like child loss can do -- the emotions just are. It would be like beating up on a veteran who has PTSD for having symptoms. The body does was it does. The soul gets wounded. There is no fault in that. Too often words are so incredibly limiting and often too quickly applied to those who are most wounded...words are actually very poor labels/descriptors for what cannot be labeled. It is the emotion of the soul, that matters. Providing oneself a nurturing, healing environment is what is most important at this time. Let go of the evaluation, it does not serve to heal. I have looked at other modalities in healing such as sound therapy, Cranial Sacral Therapy, eastern medicine practices, special spa treatments involving light therapy and massage to name a few. My dog also helped me as she gave unconditional love and acceptance when I needed it the most, no expectations. I have also dropped those people who did have expectations/and agendas they placed on me. Listen to your own soul as to what will give you the best peace and rest that can be had at this time.

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Dee, hope your back gets better, I still have issues with mine. I fell down the steps in February on the tailbone. Back pain is the worst!

Kate, do you have any plans for Jeff's site this year?

 

[ericasmom]

Thanks sweet Laurie, oh I know, this back pain is miserable, it makes you so tired to try to get things done while you are so limited...but I have had this since a teen...and hopefully as it gets better and I see the chiropractor on Wednesday, I will be in much stronger shape soon. I hope your back fully heals...hang on...spring weather is coming.

[Tommy's mum]

just wanted to respond about a couple of things that were brought up in recent posts. being bitter... hmmmm yes I have been guilty of that child loss makes no sense at all. Why us why my kid? I guess death has no filter it just takes random people. I know we all have to face our demise at some point and maybe expect that everyone has to live to their 80's but life has a way of throwing huge curveballs. I was bitter especially as my son who was trying to save his friend died and the friend who wanted to die survived. I think as time goes by the bitterness should fade as the acceptance of your child's death occurs. It takes time to get there but in the end how and why your child died becomes less important and you are left with the yearning to see them and facing the loss of them in your life. I think it becomes a sweet sorrow as the anger and injustice fade and you try to honour them and move forwards. This stage takes a long time to appear, longer if you are fighting for justice and going through a courtcase but it is a necessary part of finding peace again if you can let go of the bitterness.

dee and kate the self destructive side of trauma is that of choosing something to help you cope like alcohol and drugs and seeing how it backfires by creating addicts. No one chooses to be an addict or alcoholic they are driven to it by needing oblivion and forgetting the pain for a while. it is really a symptom of failing to deal with problems in their life and is very sad. no one is immune regardless of their profession. The hard part is watching someone you care about self destruct and in doing so cause havoc to others around them. There is a limit to what you can do really. The person has to be able to have insight into what they are doing and why and choose to have professional help to unpick the reasons behind it, and many people are afraid to go down that route because they are ashamed of what they are doing and how they are not coping. All you can do is choose how involved you want to be remembering that your own mental health and wellbeing should come first. Enabling is not helpful, straight talking is and action should be taken if others are in harms way ie responsible reporting to authorities. I am sorry you both are having to deal with this big problem and hope you find ways to help those involved. You are both caring and compassionate women and they are fortunate to have you in their life.

 

[Jeff's Mom]

At the age of fourteen I had a complete nervous breakdown. I was hospitalized for a month. I had been reacting to something that was occurring in our home and as a kid did not know how to handle it other than by being difficult. I hit out. They forced drugs on me. Drugs that took away my ability to remain in control of my faculties... I was a zombie essentially. Now this was a very long time ago...but at that time these drugs were very potent. I spent my days floating and unable to truly feel much of anything. I refused to eat and they threatened me with a tube down my throat into my stomach to force feed me. Even in my drugged state I took control of my life by praying for help and by promising myself that under no circumstances in my life would I ever resort to drugs again for anything if this is what happened. It felt like crap. How could this today be considered recreational? Loss of control and the ability to behave normally. Not for me. Eventually that person that caused this was hospitalized themselves and I was finally free from the burden of trying to get adults to believe what was going on. 

Taking drugs and alcohol is a choice. As  a person we have to take responsibility for our choices along with the outcome.  We decide if we want to block the pain... or take control and face the problem head on. By doing that we deal with it and move ahead. By blocking it we only create more misery made worse by a growing addiction. It takes work. Hard work. There are no short cuts. It is not up to someone to save us. We are responsible for ourselves...and at times we may need to reach out for help when necessary. The help is there... but the Choice is ours. I personally decided never to lose myself that way. I hated it then at fourteen and would never do that to my body willingly. I choose a natural high rather that pill induced. Believe me... life is full of them. They are out there. You have to get out and find them. I did. I am not bitter. I have forgiven this person. They were very ill. It is in the past and that is where I choose to leave it.

Having said that there is nothing wrong with an occasional glass of wine, etc. in a social setting. It is all about moderation and self control. Nobody said it was easy.

[Somersky]

Is it normal to feel more depressed and sad for Skylar as the second year approaches? I made the decision to take this week off especially after that horrific bus crash in Saskatchewan (my brother was killed by a semi truck in the same spot) I know I ask silly questions but I don’t know if what I’m feeling is normal? You have all been a big help❤️

 

[ericasmom]

I agree With you both Lesley and Kate, this is a choice sometimes based on despair, the need to obliterate the sense of sadness and depression, but essentially it was a choice to try to obliterate pain chemically and generally, there are healthier choices available. I love my sis like crazy, has been my dear friend forever, but  I am losing her in the same way she is terrified of losing her boy. A bad cycle...if my sis and so many others, would go to get some assistance to work through the issues that have made life hard, then perhaps they would have some emotional tools to figure through their fears/anxiety/ and despair....I do realize that not everyone has the ability to go to therapy and that therapy does not work for everyone, but I do know that it is worth a good try before turning to drugs/alcohol.

[Tommy's mum]

kate I also agree with some of your points the essential part is recognition and acknowleging the problem and being willing to take part in a resolution. There is no easy answer no easy way. The same as with grief it has to be acknowledged and thought about and worked through no easy way through it either. Also being able to recognize when you need additional professional help. Kate I was horrified to read about your teenage ordeal i am so sorry, but your strength and forgiveness is inspiring. After having had many surgeries requiring strong painkillers I did not like the feeling of being out of my body either cannot see the pleasure in it. However addiction is a leading cause of death today so i hope research and treatments progress to being affordable by those who need it. Seeing my Tommy on drugs was awful and I hope it turned my other kids off ever experimenting. My youngest son is at uni and i worry about the heavy drinking that goes on there as part of the student culture. In the UK we have a worse alcohol problem that drugs because it is so easily available.

dee how frustrating to see your sister struggling with her own demons after seeing her own son addicted. It demonstrates how deeply our kids actions and choices affect us parents and how helpless you can feel when they follow the wrong path. She obviously does not see the parallels with her drinking. All you can do is love her and be honest about how her behaviours affect you and your family and try to hold her accountable. She must deep down want some help but not know how to ask for it because she knows how painful the truths are that are behind the addiction. I hope so much you can reach her it may take months or years and she also has to do her part in it.

somersky the second year is more painful in its own way as you are more aware of the permanency of your loss and feel awful to realise the nevers, never another call or text, never another visit home, never seeing that child grow up and acheive different things. You are wise to take time off so you can mourn again and adjust to the new normal. That terrible bus crash must have triggered you because of your brother and because it was another tragic loss of young lives. Each personal loss is magnified. Know that you have come this far and worked so hard to get where you are and although there will be bumps in the road you will be able to pick yourself up. We are all here for you.

virginia yes there should be no guilt. You could not have prevented your girl's accident. None of us should have guilt but we also have to work through that anxiety, that what if? It is a part of the mourning process and then eventually you get to the place where you are able to celebrate her life and the memories more than her death. That takes a long time to happen but you will get there in time and be able to see how your outlook changes over time. We are here for you too.

[peggy a sad mom]

omg what a life we have. all of us have so many other problems. of coarse the worse being our kids but come on how much can one human being take? i just read a bunch of posts written after i wrote in and my god life is so tough! i'm not bitter towards other people for having a family i'm just bitter about mine being taken away and i don't believe me or son deserved it. as i know you all feel the same way. i spoke to the detective today of coarse he said he has no info until the autopsy comes back. i said what about the guy he was with didn't he say what happened? he said he would not cooperate with them. i can't understand why. he stayed at my house 4 separate times for weeks or months he ate dinner with us i took care of him like i did my son. love him no never did but my son liked him. so now my brain is racing like crazy what is so bad he can't talk about

thanks for listening

peggy  

[ericasmom]

Skylar's Mom, yes, it is when many realize that a hard and unimaginable year is nearly done, a year of firsts, and now it is just more years...it hits many this way, it did me, caught me off guard too, I was doing pretty well and then the time hit me...I was extra blue for  a while and therapy helped a great deal. Being here helped a great deal as well. Not silly question at all, it is normal for what is an abnormal occurrence.

[TearsInHeaven]

Kristen, I can share with you that as I hit the second anniversary of Michael's death I just felt like ---okay, I made it through the year but I went downhill from there.  I don't know what I expected but that year mark was pretty rough.  I felt like it was throwing me back into a bad place and the missing and longing was more intense.  Susan here explained it as the shock suit wearing off a little each time.  I felt like it "couldn't be happening" . It is hard and sad and difficult and here you are dealing with his loss and his birthday all at the same time.   I can tell you that as that 2nd year went on  there were some points where I actually saw little bits of light. I guess I got used to talking to him in my mind...sharing my everyday things with him. Things weren't normal as they can never be but I guess I started to realize that my new "abnormal" was now getting into my makeup. I guess making it through the first year is hitting all those "firsts" and being able to sort of come out on the other side of them.  I think the second year is pretty rough.

I will share thisI found online:

If you find yourself (or someone you know) struggling with new waves of grief after having reached the one year mark, you are not alone...Most people expect to feel better after that first year of bereavement, as if they've reached some sort of significant milestone in their grief journey.  Unfortunately, this is another of those myths about grief that simply does not hold true. If you assume that grief will ease as the second year begins, you may soon discover that in many ways it seems much harder now than it did before. You may find yourself feeling even worse ~ and that can seem very unsettling. But think about it: For anyone grieving a significant loss, ..the first year is a time of adjusting and learning to survive. Then comes the second year and, if you're like many mourners, it is even harder than the first, as this is when you are grappling with the harsh reality that your loved one is physically gone forever..you are thrust into learning a new way of living,

 

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks Dianne, for sharing this. So very true as we all know.

I wanted to share this with you... as I thought it may bring a smile to your face today. While at a bridal shower on Sunday afternoon I had the opportunity to talk to a woman that I had never met before. She proceeded to tell me that she was also preparing for her own upcoming wedding. She had been married twice before. Her second husband died a few years ago. She told me that she knew it always made people stop in their tracks when she managed to mention her third marriage. The way she put it was perfect. She told me that everyone carries baggage and  particularly as we grow older it gets heavier. She then mentioned that she had finally found someone that made her stay put and will help her unpack! (Baggage) Just loved it. We can't run from our past... as we carry it with us. It is hard work but the relief and peace found when we do work through it is something that words can not describe. 

Laurie, no special plans for Jeff's site this year. Will try to change the flowers a bit... but that is about it.

[Somersky]

Thank you all for sharing this forum is really the only place to turn to where you “get it” and understand. A week tomorrow is my angels birth/death day... thought I’d share a picture

[My girl is in heaven]

Oh Kristen, what a handsome young man.  And just like my Kira looking as healthy and fit with no signs of what was to come.  I wish I could share what my 2nd or 3rd or 4th or 5th year was like but I was so over medicated I really can’t remember.  It has really stirred me listening to those hombolt parents talking, where thier kids were just on the cusp of adulthood and the whole world in front of them.  Just like our kids.  And yes we absolutely get it here, we all do.  So feel us holding your hands as you approach Skylars birth/ angel date, cause we all right here for you. 

Luanne....Kira’s mama 

[Somersky]

Thank you for such beautiful words...they mean more than you know.

[Somersky]

I need to give myself a tutorial on everyone’s name.... I promise I will try. It is a very lonely world this grief. My Skylar was very handsome ....6 foot 5 just like my brother... they looked very similar which made it even harder. I guess it’s just so hard to fathom that I will not see him on this earth again in my lifetime and it just overwhelms me when I think of it it’s just TOO painful. Being able to share here really is helpful.

[ericasmom]

Kristen, your Skylar is so handsome...the ache as big as all the love, the yin and yang of this world. I think that it must be very hard to have the glorious date of Skylar's birth share the same date as his leaving but I do believe that there must be something holy about being  born and then being born to his new life on that same date...I feel like I read about this somewhere and will look into it. Somehow Kristen, you will find your footing as you enter the second year adn beyond...you will find your strength again.

Yes Luanne, the cusp of their adult lives...and they were happy, look at Skylar in that photo. so happy and that is what we hope isn't it, that our Kids are happy in their lives here, and it seems they mostly were.

Dianne, it is true, though I still contend that the first year was the absolute hardest one, the entrance into the second was hard but nothing ever quite hurt the way the first year did for me. I love the screen shot, thanks for that.

Kate, great way to put it: unpacking the baggage...I do so agree, if we never take out our grief and look it through and through, find out  how we are every few months of our grief, we just keep lugging it along and it does become heavier as we go...we find when we take a close look, that there are some things we can release when we look through the bags of grief.

Sarah, are you out there?

Becky?

Leah?

[SAMANTHA ANT'S MA]

Beautiful Erica,

[SAMANTHA ANT'S MA]

[ericasmom]

Sarah, so good to know you are out there...and the poem you posted is what I do hold onto and believe, God doesn't make our loved ones die, but takes them out of the pain...gives them a way to live beyond the earth...how are you? And thank you for the wishes for Erica.

[heartbeataway]

Good Morning Dee,  I had a message from a friend this morning seeking support. Her son committed suicide on Good Friday. My heart is aching right now. I'm going to refer her to this group. I remember how important it was to me to be able to express myself to those who understood the shoes I walk in. Maybe I need to be more active here. My softer place hasn't seemed so soft lately.  Good to see your loving and kind words. Love you ericasmom!  

[ericasmom]

HOLY COW BONNIE! Yes bring your friend here and yes please, stay if you have the time in your busy family...oh goodness knows it is good to see your Boy shining out at us today.

[peggy a sad mom]

everything i read today on this page is so beautiful.. i can't remember everyones name when i'm answering but this is to everyone thank you for the messages the poems i read everything i may cry and get upset but afterwards i feel some comfort. its 11 weeks for me i had my first easter without him. i can not even imagine the second year being worse then this. i know i will miss him forever and ever i will always feel a loss in my entire body but i hope i don't get worse then this. i am scared for this first year to be over because i don't know what is in front of me. his birthday isn't till october so i just don't know what it will bring. i do have my seat belt on but the way my mind works i will be 61 in november so it won't be that much time i will be without him.

thanks

peggy

[peggy a sad mom]

yes bonnie we will speak to her. it helps us right?