Loss of an Adult Child

[Mermaid Tears]

[rlolheiser]

Hello to all..

 

Sherry, sorry to miss Lisa's birthday, I think of you often, not able to get on to write when I would like to.. and sometimes I think I did write when I didn't .. guess old age is catching up to me

 

Georgina, I hope today you feel your angel more than ever.  Happy Birthday, I know the words are bittersweet, but I hope you know that we care .. even when we don't post.. we read.. we pray..we hope and wish for you to be strong through this impossible time in your life.

 

Coleen, so sorry to hear about your co-worker's son, I know my heart breaks for all around me when they have to go through this pain.

 

I have been busy here with mom.  She had a bad spell around her birthday and ended up in the hospital.  We finally see her real dr on Monday..  I am not looking forward to it.  Since this last hospital stay mom has been better, they found some stuff wrong that the other hospital missed and it is a little easier to care for her now.  She still takes most of my time, but I am doing ok.

 

My granddaughter and her kids left for about a week and then came back..  I love them dearly, but boy am I tired out.  It has been nice getting to know the great grandkids. 

 

I am fighting off a head cold, afraid it is going to move into my chest, been drinking OJ like crazy.

 

I know I should say more.. but time and head denies it.. :-)  I think of you all here...  Dee, Trudi, .. Coleen.. Susan, Gretchan  Wade  Sandy  so many wonderful people I haven't named  so many beautiful ANGELS..  my heart is here always

[Mermaid Tears]

JaBoa's Grama....I am happy to hear that some health issues have been updated and the care for your Mom somewhat easier....it sounds as if you have a houseful....what are the ages of the children ? About your head cold...get some Zicam...it is simply some zinc....and it gives your immune system a little boost...but really.....you need to get some rest....I hope you can give yourself some mini breaks throughout the day and put your feet up....it helps with circulation.

      Many parents that are so busy need to come to this site and 'just read'....they need the care and consideration that we all share on this site....

   many need to know they are not the only ones with a shade of grief...

many need to hear how other parents cope and face certain situations...

many need to hear how other parents struggle to balance their good days with the bad days...

most of all.....we just need a little comfort....

[Mermaid Tears]

this is Jesse and John David....they attended the 'Walk for the Cure'....an all night marathon.....this is the luminary he made for my Mom....his Mimi.....he also included the names of my friends...in my circle of friends we loved each other's children like our own...one Mother's Day...John David made Mother's Day cards for each of them.....

[ericasmom]

Lovely photos of the kids, the baby is so adorable as his Daddy, and I love the brotherly love in that photo too Susan. Beautiful children from a beautiful woman.

 

Leah, you are one woman though at times I am sure you are wearing a cape that allows you super strength to get through so much, taking care of so many. Holding you tight.

 

Georgina, not any one of us can speak to each person here, it would take a long time and I have a short memory, so it does not work for me, and back during my first year, I was lucky if I remembered anyone's names. Give yourself a break, we read everyone to know them, you needn't respond to each.

[Mermaid Tears]

thank you, Dee.....for the first time since we lost John David...have my eyes opened enough to see....and my heart...that was so shattered...can feel....the true grief Jesse is carrying....my 'shock suit' allows me to look beyond my grief and take what my loved ones are going through....

   before...I was so 'cocooned'.....I am thinking we can help each other out and learn together....for it is a learning process for the family circle

[ericasmom]

To Everyone in or near the recent tornado locations, please know we are hoping that you are safe. We are having some very humid hot weather today and yesterday, and now it is raining with some deep thunder and big gray clouds. Gretchen, are you okay, those tornadoes the other day were near you?

 

Susan, I too walked and still walk a bit on egg shells around my Boy, but much less now. He had to give me the nod to know it was okay to talk more about Erica...I would watch his reaction when I would say something about Eri and sometimes he actually would leave the room, this was earlier on, it was just so hard on him to be able to openly talk of her, then little by little he became more able and now much more but still, I measure how much. Now that he is a Daddy adn he has named his Girl after his Sis, he certainly can talk more about the old days.

[daveydow1]

Susan----- your words are so full of wisdom, and are so true. thanks for your

post and Mother's Day screen shot.

 

Georgina------ I agree with Dee----there's no need to feel that you must 

reply to each one individually.....we all read the posts, so we all know & feel

what your reply says.  There are many reasons that posting individually

is not necessary.....grief, exhaustion, worry, memory, and a host of other

things that may enter into it. Many times, it is that one just does not feel

that they have much to say. All these reason are valid.  We at BI welcome

everyone's posts......  whenever they appear.

I, so,  know how your emotions are so raw today....your birthday....and how dear

James always made your day so special.  I always feel the same dread, and melancholy when 

birthdays and other days approach....Every day.  In your early time on

this sorrowful journey,  all the feelings & emotions you feel are so understandable.

Take care.  Sending thoughts & prayers.

 

Leah--- thanks for your kind words.  Glad to hear that there is a better understanding

with the medical community about your dear mom's care.  Try to take care of that

cold.....there's a nasty respiratory virus going around here, and I've had bronchitis

for a couple months.  Drinking the OJ is a good idea......as much rest as you can

manage, too. Sending prayers.

 

Dee---- I washed sheets and a blanket today, and hung them out on the line to dry.

Lovely day......84 degrees, and a nice little breeze blowing.  Then....later on.....here

comes a tractor with planter in the field next to our place......stirring  dust up in the

air  so high.  I ran out and took down the sheets & blanket.....all nice & dry, since

I had them hung out early. I made it before the tractor/planter made another round

back.      Thanks for your birthday wish for Lisa's little white soul......warmed my heart. 

 

 

PEACE     TO    ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

[Steve s mom]

A poem I found for all of us on mothers day

Dear Mr Hallmark,

I am writing to you from heaven

And though it must appear a rather strange idea

I see everything from here

I just popped in to visit your store to find a card

A card of love for my mother

As this day for her is hard

There must be some mistake I thought,every card you could imagine

Except I could not find a card,from a child who lives in heaven

She is still a mother too

No matter where I reside

I had to leave ,she understands

But oh all the tears she cries

I thought that if I wrote you

That you would come to know

I still love my mother so

She talks with me,and dreams with me ,we still share laughter too

Memories our way of speaking now

Would you see what you can do?

My mother carries me in her heart

Her tears she hides from sight

She writes poems to honor me

Sometimes far into the night

She plants flowers in my garden ,there my living memory dwells

She writes to other grieving parents trying to ease their pain as well

So,you see Mr Hallmark

Though I no longer live on earth

I must find a way

To remind her of her wondrous worth

She needs to be honored,and to be remembered too

Just as the children of earth will do

Thank you Mr Hallmark

I know you'll do your best

I have done all that I can do

To you I'll leave the rest

Find a way to tell her

How much she means to me

Untill I can do it by myself

When she joins me in eternity

Written by j.seilheimer

I wish you all a peaceful mothers day ,and beautiful dreams with your child

[wgreenlee]

Georgina...

 

You never need to worry about replying to everyone...it is enough that you are here and hopefully it is helping you.  We know your heart and that is comfort for us, also.

 

I miss you so very very much, Brooks!  Be with mom like you always did on her special day...

 

[ericasmom]

Thank you MaryAnne, for the poem. I hope that you are feeling as well as you can at this time. Holding your hand as you move forward, your Son is always with you, you will always be his beloved Mom.

 

Thanks for the tunes Wade. Brooks must be grinning that beautiful grin at the many ways you reach out to others.

 

Going for a walk on this cloudy but pretty morning, so green out there, so many blossoms to enjoy.

[TearsInHeaven]

Maryann, the poem you shared has touched me so.  This is my first Mother's day without my son.  He was taken from us suddenly and without warning.  Of course as I read, I cried but in its own way I could see him thinking of me.  I am so glad you shared.

 

I know how difficult tomorrow will be for mother's like us.  I don't think the passage of time will make that better.  But for all of us mothers of earth children and celestial children, I think God (or whomever your beliefs hold) will find a way to send a soft whisper to each of us to let  us know they are thinking of us on this Mother's Day.

[TearsInHeaven]

Came across this.....

 

Mother’s and Father’s Day: A Time of Mourning for Parents Who Have Lost A Child When a man loses his wife, he is referred to as a widower. When a woman loses her husband, she is referred to as a widow. Children who have lost their parents are known as orphans. Even adult children who have lost their parents have referred to themselves as orphans. However, have you noticed that we have no term for parents who have lost their children? Perhaps this is because we can’t bring ourselves to contemplate the thought deeply enough to give the condition a reference or a term. Clearly, losing a child is not what we consider the natural order of things...

 

Fay Ellis Jones Eller, PhD

 

 Michael, I am proud to have been your mother.

If  never having had to feel this pain meant never having you in my life, I will take this pain.  For never having had you as my son is a thought so horrible I cannot contemplate it.

 

[InHeavensKeeping]

Thank you Susan, Sherry, Dee and Wade. You made me feel so much better. I know it's a hard day for you all tomorrow I've already had Mother Day as its in March over here. I will keep you all in my heart and prayers and hope that you all receive a special sign from your angels

God Bless xx

[ericasmom]

My love and hope sings to you each this morning MOMS. Those who will face this day as your First without your Child physically being here, I just want you to know that we know how hard this is. The first year, I bought myself a card that I thought Erica might get for me...it had a little bird on the front, a simple card with a pretty message. Choosing something that I thought Erica might pick was just a way to feel her and channel her. We find ways, I promise.

 

 

[wgreenlee]

Happy Mother's Day to all of you awesome and inspiring mothers!!!

 

Today is your day for all of your children...here with you and in heaven with you.  May God bless you amidst your longings and help you find the comfort and peace that you deserve.

 

Dee...

 

Thank you for advice about finding a card that fits.  I went and bought some flowers and a card that I thought Brooks would have picked.  Crying the whole time in the store, but you know, I just didn't care.  Renea just came down and saw them and the first thing she said was, "This is just the kind of card Brooks would have picked."  Thank you...thank you...thank you!!!

[wgreenlee]

[ericasmom]

Thank you Wade, I adore the music of Mumford and Sons, the passion in their words matches their abilities on their instruments. What a gorgeous song, one I had not known but will now seek it out. Thank you. I think that Erica must love that sound, she listened to a good deal of music, and loved going to concerts outdoors. Yes, Mumford would definitely be a draw for her.

I am so glad Wade, that you bought a card that was influenced by Brooks, and that your sweet Wife loved this gesture. You are a good man Wade.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Found this blog entry from Larry M Barber who lost his child and wife to a car accident. It is from a long term perspective

 

Over Twenty Years…And Still Grieving?

Posted on May 6, 2015by griefminister

 

Over twenty years ago! I can’t believe that this month May 2015 marks the 22nd anniversary of the deaths of my 37-year-old wife Cindy and my two-year-old adopted daughter Katie. Twenty two years! That’s nine years longer than the 13 years Cindy and I were married before her death. They have both been gone from my life much longer than they were in my life.

 

I cannot believe that 22 years have passed. And I cannot believe still that they actually died. Along the way the time often has seemed like an eternity. At other times during the grief journey it has felt to me like the losses had just taken place. That is the strange, warped time perception that exists in grief.

 

Have I progressed? Have I healed? Am I where I’m supposed to be in my grief journey? I don’t know. Grief has been a part of my life for so long it is almost hard to imagine what it was like before that day – May 15, 1993 – when a multi-car accident in Arlington Texas changed my life and my family so drastically. Sometimes I wonder if grief hasn’t become too familiar to me.

 

Things continue to change drastically in my life and for my family but at a much slower pace now. My children, Christian and Sarah, are mature adults living lives successfully on their own. That’s as it should be. I am proud of them and what they have become. I am now a grief counselor and minister, two professions that I probably never would’ve chosen had the accident and the deaths not occurred. Well-wishers and encouragers have told me that I am so blessed that God has made it possible for me to have a ministry to those struggling in grief. I am blessed, and I thank God for my blessings every day. But deep in my heart I know that I would gladly trade this ministry to have my wife Cindy and my daughter Katie back with me physically.

 

Just like every other mourner I have to learn to accept the reality of the deaths and my losses that my soul and my heart continually cry out in denial and protest over…even after 22 years. I have accepted my new reality, but I still don’t have to like it. Does that make me pathological in my grief? Does that mean I am abnormal and suffering with complications that need professional help? I don’t think so, but sometimes when I’m very tired and had enough of the grief, I wonder.

 

Grief is the overwhelming love for a person no longer physically present. Mourning in healthy ways after the deaths of loved ones honors their valuable lives. I never want to stop remembering, honoring and loving my wife Cindy and my daughter Katie. Therefore the overwhelming love in my heart for them even in their absence must be expressed. That overwhelming love comes out in my continuing grief.

 

22 years this May 15th. This anniversary is a milestone I would much rather forget. But it is a milestone that helps to remind me of how far my family and I have come. This twentieth anniversary is also a milestone that helps me to remember, to honor and to mourn the loss of two valuable people. Please believe me that as much as I hate my grief journey, I know that my grief and my life well lived are the best monuments I can build to my wife and daughter.

 

I pray that God will continue to bless me and my family as long as the grief journey continues.

 

Written by Larry M. Barber, LPC-S, CT, grief counselor, educator and author of the grief survival guide “Love Never Dies: Embracing Grief with Hope and Promise” available online at Amazon, Barnes and Noble. Also available for Kindle and Nook.

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....Wade...Laurie....a heart full of gratitude and longing....thank you...from me to you...am so...so tired...will post more tomorrow...am sure you..more than others will understand....

[Sistergldnhair66]

Hello all. Its been awhile. I had my first Mothers Day without Matthew, it was hard, I had my moments, but tried to focus on my son and daughter. I wrote them a letter. To express my pride in who they are, to tell them I hope my grief over the loss of Matthew would ever make them feel less loved or important. I've been through a lot, my family has, that I will share another time.

I thought of all of you yesterday missing our angels.

Wade, great song. I am sitting outside, it was so hot here this morning, and as I listened to it, the clouds covered the sun, and a cool breeze came and I cried. It was the first time I felt..maybe it was Matthew sending me a sign..for then when it was over the sun came out again.

I closed my eyes and I could see him like it was yesterday. I hope I never lose that ability. I have lost all sense of time. My neighbor came over and I showed her the colors I had painted my bathroom..she asked when I did it. I said Two months ago, then paused...I said No..it was before Thanksgiving...I couldn't believe that I could just lose months..

Georgina, happy belated birthday. I hope you felt your James with you.

[tobyfreefoot]

hi everyone

have been unable to be here but am back now i think. thanks for asking about us. all my kids were in the path of the norman toronados but are fine. wed night i believe i drove straight through a tornado on my way to work. i didn't know one was in the area. my car was lifting off the road, slammed with rain and hail from all directions, i couldn't accelerate as the wind was too strong and i couldn't even see the side of the highway. when i got off i was so disoriented then i started floating toward a guardrail but got traction about 3' from it. it was nuts but in the end the worst that happened was i was 5 min. late. lol

 

i went by the cemetery, forest's memorial and some lights were several inches underwater but as far as i could tell (it was 4 am) the journal was dry.

 

hope everyone made it through mother's day.

[Mermaid Tears]

Good grief Gretchen...I do believe your ANGEL was riding shotgun with you....very thankful you and the family are safe...

 

Eileen....as I understand 'signs'.....yes....they are subtle and small....and I 'feel' John David near me at times...it is very fleeting....

  and time does not have the same tick tock....

and I have trouble, too, in relating the 'when and where'....it is as if I have another dimension around me....

 

I tried to post some things but could not for some reason....all seems fine now....

    starting in January of this year....I started having my energy level come back...and the result of that is I love to keep busy...and I started walking on my treadmill every day and that seems to have lifted my thoughts...and my thinking is not as foggy....but I still feel as if I have some kind of mind fog....but the last 3 weeks have been 'insanely' busy...now I should have some normal weeks....

     Mother's Day was very bittersweet.....I was so...so tired...that it helped in that I was too tired to have my anxiety or panic...I feel like I floated through it....

 

I love the story about the card you bought, Dee, for yourself from Eri....

and I love your story Wade....even the tears falling.....and how your wife recognized the card was something Brooks would buy....

   those small sweet stories help us walk this journey....

[Mermaid Tears]

This is the last Mother's Day card from John David....

 

in the other photo is the front of the card and a card he made for me in the 3rd grade....

Priceless...

 

he was a very thoughtful son...GRANDson and brother...he made sure I got a card from him often....I have many more...so thankful for that....

[shorty16]

My dear friends,

Just like every other mourner I have to learn to accept the reality of the deaths and my losses that my soul and my heart continually cry out in denial and protest over…

Those words ring with me.

I still can't believe my son, Brian is dead.

This statement will always ring true for me.

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

[ericasmom]

Thank you Laurie, for the quotes from the gentleman that you posted. So true

 

Gretchen, I am glad that you and the Kids are fine, I heard Norman Oklahoma on the news and thought, Oh no, not again. Be safe Dear.

 

Eileen, it is another dimension, a realm that was never present before our Child left here. Time moved so slowly at times, and so quickly at other times, none of it made sense and was very surreal for a long long while. Years. I still deal with time differently than I once did, it is less concrete/more abstract.

 

Going to bed early after a night of nearly no sleep but wakefulness, so here's to sleeping well!

[wgreenlee]

One of Brooks' friends posted this today.  Thought I'd share.

 

I dreamt of you last night brooks! I miss you so much! Wish you were here I could really use some of your motivation... I love you

 

Coleen...

 

I have come to the awful realization, also, that I will forever be saying, " I still can't believe my son, Brooks, is dead."  At least I am able to say it though, which was a big step for me.

 

Dee and Eileen...

 

I actually came upon Mumford and Sons on Brooks' phone, which I now use instead of my old one.  Since his was a smart phone I am able to go on Pandora and he had all these stations he listened to and one of them was Mumford and Sons.  I have since been listening to Monsters of Men and Radical Face, groups I would never know about, but that speak volumes to me with their emotional and thought-inspiring lyrics.  Sometimes I just sit in my chair and put the earbuds in and listen to try and sleep.

 

Susan...

 

Those are the memories that keep me going.  I am also glad that you have those memories of John David...so special.  I wonder how many parents truly realize how important those items from school, bible school, camp, etc. really are and what they will eventually mean.  To me now, they are priceless treasures  that I could not do without.  I am lucky that I have Brooks' music and his voice on Voxer to remind me.  I still haven't watched his commercial...saving it for a special day.

 

Brooks' irises have started to bloom and yesterday when Renea and I were visiting him it was nice to think that he had, indeed, sent his "mom" some flowers for Mother's Day.

 

I hope sleep brings sweet dreams of our children to each and every one of you!

[tobyfreefoot]

forest sent me this mother's day 2010 

[Mermaid Tears]

Gretchen....how true....and I am sweep away at times how our children all had similar characteristics...like that kind of sense of humor...

   and seems as if all the parents had a very close...above average...relationship to their child...

 

 

 

 

I sometimes slip into a deep thinking....out of the box kind of thinking...or maybe it is longing kind of thinking...but..all that I read....even way before John David passed....(I can only 'think' passed....not died or dead)....

   for me....I can't think he died or is dead is because something inside me...some kind of knowing...

maybe it is because I had the 'visitation dream'....

   that he passed on to somewhere else...

 

Maybe that is why it is so hard to think/say your child is dead...

for they really just passed to another place.....

[Sistergldnhair66]

Thinking today...gosh, so much time lately thinking and reflecting..this type of loss just sends ones mind in all different directions.

I had found a support group, for parents who have lost children from substance abuse. I've been to three. At the last one, the leader read a paper about grief, and its stages. It said at some stage you should revisit places you have been with your child, and that kind of stuck with me, for I find I cannot do that yet. Even the grocery store where I took him shopping, I did it once..and got a panic attack and had to leave. The place we always stopped for lunch when he had a Dr. Appt is now off limits. I sometimes longingly look at the passenger seat of my car, for sometimes I can still see him there.

[Mermaid Tears]

Eileen.....so many parents on this site have echoed the same thing....hard to go to the grocery store....and me, too...

I have very funny stories to tell about me and John David and our grocery shopping trips...fun memories...and sometimes these big...lazy tears just roll slowly down my face....crawling....easy to wipe away....when a portal opens and I am reminded of a certain shopping trip....

  he was/is an amazing cook....

and I certainly wasn't....

I called myself a very low profile kind of cook...just very simply dishes...very healthy and filling...

My grama told me one day that if I had boys....I had to cook lots of gravy and potatoes and bake lots of chocolate cakes..

having 5 boys and one daughter...that is what I did...

 

Don't push yourself to go anywhere or do anything....it is not worth the hurt...

 

Listen to your heart....it will tell you when it is time .....

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Just wanted to give everyone an update here...

 

Christina will be graduating from her two year college this Thursday with a degree in Accounting and a second degree in Business Management. She did make the honor roll so will have a gold cord. We are going out to eat with her tomorrow. On Thursday, the pastor and his wife along with another older couple who have been mentoring her at her new church home will also attend.

 

Jesse's Trial, we are still in limbo with Jesse's trial. The defense attorney tried to pull the move that there is not enough evidence to support the charge of negligent driving resulting in a homicide (death). We will find out what the judge will say about that once he examines the evidence. Hopefully soon.

 

Thinking of everyone.

 

Eileen, there are still places I can't go. I guess to me, its like stepping on a hornet's nest emotionally so I let it rest. Too many other battles.

[daveydow1]

Hello  to   all   INDIGOS........I haven't been on for awhile.....our A T & T  landline phone, and

internet was down for a couple days.

 

MaryAnn-------Thanks so much for the poem......Dear Mr. Hallmark.  It sure says 

many of the words we say to ourselves.

 

Wade---Thanks for the music.

 

Colleen----I forgot to thank you for your nice sentiments for Lisa's birthday....

"Angel Kisses"....so sweet.   

 

Dianne---Yes,.....the 'firsts'  are so sorrowful, because the pain is so very fresh.

Our dear children are just on the other side of that ever-so-thin veil....so near.

.....Always with us.  Wishing you peace & comfort.

 

Dee----Nice that you got a bit of walking in.....you must be very busy now...the

end of the school year. We have two bushes of lilacs blooming now. They are

very old bushes, and the lilacs are mostly up at the top, but such a lovely site

to see, and the fragrance is heavenly. (I picked a couple, and put them in a Mason jar

of water, for the table)

 

Georgina----I'm sorry this is such a rough time for you......I know you miss your

dear son, James, so much......and everything may seem to be just out of 'kelter'.

Hang on, friend, and keep coming here to BI, where we all understand. Peace to you.

 

Kate----How are you?  Hope you are doing ok.  Thoughts & prayers.

 

Continuing to send up prayers for our dear BI friend,  Trudi.

 

Also......Becky......Thinking of you and sending prayers as you mourn the recent passing

of your dear father.  It is so hard to lose a parent....I know,.... I'm sorry.  Peace to you, friend.

 

PEACE   AND   TRANQUILITY   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie...applause for Christina...we all know how hard that must have been for her to keep on her educational track and carry her grief...but she kept putting one foot in front of the other....and now....she has her degree...and a foot on the road to her future.

      We all share the same heart when it comes to our parents that face these legal battles....that you will find stamina in our support...and courage to keep on....and keep the faith to hold on.

     I do believe you have a strong foundation with the DA...please keep us in the loop.

 

 

Sherry....I wish we could grow lilacs in this part of Texas....the fragrance is amazing...we have had lots of rain....and we don't complain since the drought from a couple of years ago....our little town is just GREEN....

[Jeff's Mom]

We just arrived back home from visiting our son and grandchildren. We had a great time away and enjoyed time spent with the kids. I have thought of everyone and will have to get caught up in reading the posts. Love to all, Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate...I know that time with your son and family and GRANDdaughters was over the moon for you....looking forward to seeing some photos with you and those precious girls....so glad the trip was safe and you arrived back home all in one piece...

[InHeavensKeeping]

I'm not as brave as all of you. I'm only returning to work tomorrow after having the eight months off. I had a back to work interview last Tuesday and it went very well. But my Doctor will not sign me back for full time as he feels it needs to be phased and gradual. My health seems to be really bad at the moment. I've got to have a byopsey on my eye as both eyes have little lumps in them!! I have to have a small skin cancer removed from my nose and I've torn the cartilage in my right knee

[Jeff's Mom]

I have attached a couple of pictures of a cute little mini library that was built by a neighbor of our sons that is built by the playground. It is run on an honour system and books are left for people to take and replace while they sit on the benches with their children.

 

The weather was typical for the mountains. Warm and lovely for several days and then dipping considerably and we had snow a few days. it was terrific seeing the kids again. Balm for a weary soul. Love to all, Kate

 

 

[Jeff's Mom]

I have attached a couple of pictures of a cute little mini library that was built by a neighbor of our sons that is built by the playground. It is run on an honour system and books are left for people to take and replace while they sit on the benches with their children.

 

The weather was typical for the mountains. Warm and lovely for several days and then dipping considerably and we had snow a few days. it was terrific seeing the kids again. Balm for a weary soul. Love to all, Kate

 

 

[Jeff's Mom]

I have attached a couple of pictures of a cute little mini library that was built by a neighbor of our sons that is built by the playground. It is run on an honour system and books are left for people to take and replace while they sit on the benches with their children.

 

The weather was typical for the mountains. Warm and lovely for several days and then dipping considerably and we had snow a few days. it was terrific seeing the kids again. Balm for a weary soul. Love to all, Kate

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Oh Kate...those GRANDdaughters are adorable...and the parents keep them so busy and active...love their hats....I saw some program on TV awhile back and some town in New England had the little 'borrowing library' for children...I think that is the neatest thing....

     Having Wyatt John with me a couple of days is like balm on my heart....and the feeling stays with me for days and days...so much healing in those little hands.

 

 

Georgina....I am so sorry for all your health issues....that is why we tell parents to 'self care'....for no one is going to care for you better than yourself....and really....no one can do what you need to do for yourself....please take lots of deep breaths during the day.....do some little something for yourself like fixing a cup of coffee or tea....and sit and drink it slowly....go outside for brief time each day....and just take this journey one day at a time....

   for that is all we have anyway....today....

don't try to look too far ahead...this is the kind of grief that can only be carried one day at a time...

I had a terrible eye infection and even my eye lids were affected....it went on and on....finally....one day my eye Dr. asked me to please...not to cry for at least 2 weeks or 3.....to let the drops do their job...and now I use Claridex swabs for my eye lids every day....

[InHeavensKeeping]

Susan thank you I'll try to take your good advice. It's just so hard all I think about all day is James. Every second. Anything I do I think about what he would do and say. My mind just won't rest until I take my sleeping tablet at night. I eventually fall asleep but always wake up with a jolt my heart racing thinking about what's happened. I'm trying to hold the family together as I'm the one who's always sorted everything out. And I'm not doing a very good job at the moment. I'm in a muddle all the time and it's wearing me out.

I love the picture you paint of Your time with Wyatt John.

Kate I'm so glad you had a good time the pictures are wonderful. What an amazing place. The grand daughters are so cute. I just love the mini Library such a good idea.

God Bless Georgina x

[Mermaid Tears]

Georgina....many Mom's on this site have held that position in the family....

in fact...my son, Jesse, said...'We all knew if Mom could make it...we all could'....

and I want you to think about 'where' you are now on this grief journey...we get no map or compass...we are plopped down in a foreign land and the ground has given way to quicksand....we can't find our footing...

so....we feel lost....and that is normal....

you say you are in a muddle....of course you are....I could not even draw a stick figure...I could not function normally....I was so exhausted I could not drag a dead cat out of the house...

so....I 'cocooned'....I knew I had to cancel every civic and community and social gathering...I did not go 'out and about'.....

Daniel even went to the grocery store...

the only people that came to the house were my children, GRANDchildren....and my children's friends and their children...for I am very, very close even to them...and my closest friends here....

and it is normal that James is on your mind and in your heart 24/7....that is the Mothering Heart in you...and you must know that even death cannot separate us from our child...

that is how I feel....

but...I will tell you that this grief can cause such a physical pain...and that is what you are feeling...

I finally understood what the term...broken heart...meant.

That is why you seek out anything that you feel will bring you comfort.

I do know that we all grieve in a unique way...and some parents need more face to face....human to human support.....

this is not a time to try and be 'strong'...or stoic.....if you need more human/counselor/therapist/pastor support...go and get it....

I am thinking you feel as if you are letting James down because you can't find anyone to represent you in your legal issues....

that simply is not true...for we all know a parent would move heaven and earth for their child...

you must remember that some things are simply out of your control...none of us have Super Human Power...

We only have Super Human Love....

Sometimes we must let go of those things which are out of our control..and concentrate on things we do have control over.....like taking care of yourself....being kind and gentle to yourself...you find what comforts and brings you solace....grief has no time table...and don't hurry plans on how to honor and remember your son...I promise you...in time....you will get the right answers for your boy.

[Mermaid Tears]

[Jeff's Mom]

Susan and Georgina, thank you . Many times even after five years I feel I need to read the valued posts of support offered as I find myself slipping back into that void left by Jeff's death. Taking measures to apply self care is vital. I  have seen first hand how stress can seriously affect our health. One day at a time is often all that I can manage when I become overwhelmed by this pain. Yes, you do rebuild. But the emptiness is always going to be there when you actually allow yourself to remember. Learning to carry that pain and continue to focus and function reasonably well is a huge effort. It takes time, patience, and a ton of courage.

 

Georgina, I am so sorry that you are experiencing these added health concerns. Please do listen to Susan. She is right on the mark with her advice.

 

Laurie, how wonderful that your daughter has completed her schooling with flying colours. Well done! I'm sure you are so very proud of her.

 

Sandy, my thoughts and prayers are sent your way.

 

Sherry, hopefully your issues with the computer will be resolved satisfactorily and quickly. I too love lilacs. I grew up in an older area of our city and every yard had at least one lilac tree. The aroma permeated the entire area at this time of the year. Absolutely wonderful.

 

Thanks to everyone for sharing poetry, music, and pictures. I have much to get caught up on reading. Wishing you all a peaceful evening.

 

Kate

[ericasmom]

Kate, so glad that  you had the time you did with the kids. Your little ones are so pretty and your Son's smile is on his little one's face, the one in the swing. Cute as can be. We have those little library boxes all over our towns now, mostly for adults and put up on folks lawns. I do agree, a great way to share books and spread joy.

 

Sherry, our lilacs are in bloom too, I believe ours is a Korean Lilac, she is so aromatic adn wonderful. Goodness, more landline troubles? Have they figure it out?

 

Georgina, really listen to Susan here, there is no other way to be than the way you are right now, though trying to hold everyone together is only putting even more stress on your soul. Can your husband find ways to help you have some time to grieve? If you fall apart will he be able to get dinner on the table adn make do? Sometimes couples take turns in a sense, in order for each to have those times of breakdown. You can't do it all Georgina. I am so happy for the time you have enjoyed with your Grandchild, those times do something wondrous for the spirit.

If you cannot find anyone to represent your case, could you find a way to let it be for now? You are not letting your Son down, he loves you beyond measure.

[TearsInHeaven]

Gretchen, your card from Forrest made me actually laugh out loud-----and that is not something I do very often for these last months.  Michael was my electronics guru and could never believe I worked with computers and was so clueless. Thank you for sharing.

 

Georgina I am sad for you to struggle so.This is so difficult to navigate and we are close in time on this journey. Maybe going back to work will help a little.  I know it is different for everyone. I find working helpful because when I work I am focused and the sad memories just have to sit in the background for a while.  I won't say they don't come out with a vengeance  later but it does help some to have tasks unrelated to my circumstances.  I am fortunate though that I work remotely 75% of the time so when I do have those out of the blue sad moments, no one is there to see.  This stress sounds like it is doing terrible things to you.  I hope the change will help give it an outlet somewhere other than you physically.  Just from what I have gotten to know of you through your posts you could never let your son down.

 

Eileen, I know what you mean about going places making it hard for you.  I am the same way and it does not even have to be a place where I was with Michael.  I have not been able to deal with a restaurant because I get panicky when I hear the noise and laughter of other people.  I have had to travel this week for work and the airport is brutal.  I find myself sweating and my heart racing.   I am not sure I can identify with any reason for some places sending me into such panic and others don't.    I have just started trying to calm myself by having a little "in my head" conversation with Michael about how he would tease me out of my discomfort if he was there.  Crazy maybe but it is working-- sort of-- enough that I can get through it.  

 

Hoping the Texas storms of this week subside enough for me to go home today.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Thanks to those who posted well wishes for Christina...tonight is graduation.

 

I have been in a bit of a slump lately so haven't had the energy for much posting. Though I realize that now, at this point in time, 2.7 years out, how important it is to have a sharing group such as this.

 

Child loss is something that is a closed group; parents who have lost their children really need other parents to converse with. It is a profound event, a soul-shattering, ineffable experience on so many levels...that cannot be truly understood by others who have not experienced the loss of their beloved child. This is becoming so much more evident to me as time as gone on.

 

For instance, in my daughter's grief group, a lady who knows we are in trial with Jesse's stuff, came up to her afterwards and had the audacity to suggest that pursuing justice for his death was "seeking vengence" and promptly tried to back up her warped statement with verses. (actually the state filed against the driver; setting a matter straight, with proper order, to try and deny that to parent and cloak the prejudice in the guise of a righteous statement is just plain warped.)

 

Because of this, and other various reactions on the part of others, I have found myself even more withdrawn. They cannot understand what it is like to have the auto-play going on -- playing your most beloved child's last moments -- tormenting you. Or how when you wake up in the morning, just for a split-second the world is okay, until the realization that your child is gone from the physical world. How much bravery and sheer grit it takes just to get through the day and do the basic necessities that life demands.

 

Or how the rug can be pulled out from underneath you so quickly, in so many ways. Encountering something your child loved, such as in my case, seeing a collectible vehicle that I know my son would have loved; hearing about the life milestones that your child is denied; going to places that your child shared with you....yes, hurtling these moments takes a little bit of energy, until one is left with nothing at the end of the day.

 

So, I have found myself even more withdrawn than even before...so many people "think" they know how they would handle such a tragedy, but they really don't. Going though those court dates, no one really knows what that is like but another parent that has had to walk that trail of tears.

 

So I send a special thank you to all that participate here, and it is an honor to hear about your child, to know they mattered.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Christina just got back from the store. Came home with this:

 

 

(on her birthday and graduation day...we have never seen a bottle like this. It was the only one there, in plain view at the store.)

[ericasmom]

Holy Cow Laurie and Christina, that is amazing! AMAZING! Jesse was with you in the store Christina, he is supporting you and telling you that he is always there, even at the group where the lady thought that she knew best, and tonight, when you graduate. Congratulations for all the hard work you did in order for this celebration, and it was work, it was on top of the hardest work of all; grief.

Laurie I know tat you are proud of your girl and I hope you know that being a bit more quiet or contained makes sense at this time for you. Please know that every time you speak here, you help someone, your wise words are a treat and a helping hand.

 

Gretchen, I love the card you received from Forest. He has that great sense of humor! I have some of those cards, love them.