Loss of an Adult Child

[TearsInHeaven]

I am glad to have come on this morning and read your posts. Susan, Laurie,Karyn, Your  comments from your shattered heart  help so much.  I have been having a difficult week.. Not sure why as I thought between Mother's day and his birthday weekend I had gone back to square one in the hurt and torment. Now here comes a next week and it is a bad one.  We have been at my daughter's this week, helping with our granddaughter and trying to give the parents some grownup time.  The baby is

23 months and talks up a storm.  She is a rolling ball of energy (and well, I am not) and I know several of you can relate. It does wear you out.  Maybe that is why my broken heart and my grief are running all over me.  I don't have anyone to talk to but you all as no one wants to hear any of this.  tI helps to be able to let my guard down. Everyone expects sad, sad, sad and okay now you are better. I don't even know it I want to be better nor can I even imagine never mourning and missing Michael with my every breath.

 

Last night, my daughter and her husband had friends over as a prequel to the BIG race today in Indianapolis.We are Northwest Indiana people so car racing was not in our makeup but Heather has adjusted as she has lived in Indy for so many years.  Anyway, the baby woke up and I went to tend to her.  She was just restless.  She wanted me to hold her and in that dark room with a baby in my arms I was very sad thinking of what piece of my life was missing.  Piper looks up at me and smiles and  says, "Michael here."  She closes her eyes and fell back to sleep.  This is my second time with her doing something.  She is too little to just offer this up out of the blue. 

 

Thanks for taking the time to listen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

[ericasmom]

Dianne, did you feel him after Babygirl said this? Wow, that is so powerful, so wonderful, a knowing that Michael is always near, he didn't go far from you. He is watching over everyone.

You keep coming here and letting out the hurt, it needs to have an outlet.

 

Gretchen, did the flooding affect your area...the news looks to be bad for many in oklahoma. And Susan, hows about you? Rains in your area?

[TearsInHeaven]

The odd thing I feel him often and always chalk it up to my wishful thinking.I know that for the first time in a long time I slept a full 5 hours --- and that is very unusual for me since all this happened.  I will take the comfort I can out of this. This morning was the best I felt waking up as it felt like I, the mother goose, had all her gooslings ( chicks,maybe) in a row.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Dianne, that was just beautiful...thank you for sharing.

 

Sherry, thinking of you...sorry about finding the report. After my sister was ran over in 2001 my mom and dad got the report. Eventually my dad gave it to me, unopened. I finally burned it.

 

Kate, hope you are having some better weather today. You and Gretchen both...

 

Susan, that screenshot says it all...I am adding it to the gallery....

[Everly]

Dianne... did the baby girl actually ever meet Michael?, and if she did, she must have been a newborn and certainly would not remember him right?  That is amazing!  I wish so much I could get a sign from my Mom, I have got absolutely nothing   So many people say they get signs and I've got nothing. I can only surmise my Mom perhaps is in heaven dancing away with my Dad after losing him so early and they were so incredibly in love with each other.  Maybe that's what she is doing, I like to think.

 

I like to hear stories of people feeling the presence of ones that have passed... it gives me hope that maybe they really aren't too far away.

[Jeff's Mom]

Laurie, thanks...we have had an awesome weekend. The weather could not have been nicer for us. Yesterday the temp reached 86F. Last weekend we had snow. Go figure. We spent the last couple of days browsing through greenhouses and buying flowers. I was in my glory. I have my work cut out for me the next little while. I am always at my best when I can get down and dirty with my fingers and hands on the soil. I love to watch plants grow. Every year I love to try new colour combinations and plants to change things around. Poor Ross is now down napping as I am afraid that he is worn out from all of the activity. And Susan...how is your container gardening coming along?

 

The topic of feeling your child around for some time after they have passed is a common one. I too experienced things that I can not explain after my son died. It lasted for quite some time and then simply stopped in the same way. I still get signs... but not as they first came across. I took comfort from the signs that were given. It is such a personal thing and one that we should not be afraid of. Just be careful who you share it with. Many will think you have tipped the scales. You will know in your own heart what happened and that it was given as a gift to help support you in your sadness.

 

I am thinking of everyone on the Memorial Day weekend and hoping you are enjoying a degree of comfort and peace. Kate  

[InHeavensKeeping]

Hi I was reading other posts today on other Threads and found this one. I thought it was so insightful and wanted to share it with you. I did ask the writer first xx

You're right, it does suck. Loss is the worst thing in the world.

There's something that I noticed about living through the loss of my sister and my dad, and talking with other people, something that I am calling the "death trauma". Having someone ripped from your life is an awful and traumatic thing. It is really logical to me that we can have some memory, whether visual or not, intricately linked to that moment of our soul ripping that keeps us in somewhat of a post-traumatic-stress state. It is easy for me to see how finding your mom would be haunting you. The way our subconscious mind works is, in the moment of trauma, our conscious mind, which is usually our filter, is violently pushed aside and anything we experiencing in those seconds/moments after a traumatic event is set upon our conscious mind in loud, screaming bold print.

I experienced this and many people I have talked to have experienced this. You can tell if you have it to some degree or another because it is a moment that you re-live when you think about the person you lost, where your subconscious mind automatically recalls the traumatic moment again and again. It's very hard to be able to feel love for the person you lost when something like this is plaguing your mind and causing a renewal of that anguish and horror of that trauma each time you think about them.

I don't know, of course, if this is what's happening for you, but it's something that I have experienced that is really hard - reliving that moment of trauma again and again. It stopped me from having any healthy movements forward.

I'm not saying it's easy after dealing with that traumatic moment, but it's easier when you don't have to live each day in memories of the most horrific moment of your life.

The only thing that helped me, finally, was not shying from that moment in my mind, and instead bracing myself and allowing myself to feel the horror of it and being soft and gentle after and picking myself up off the floor and loving myself through it, consciously. I did this a number of times and eventually found that I had greater understanding for myself and the memory and the horror started to not have such deep control over me. If I had not been able to help myself this way, I would have absolutely sought counselling for trauma, not just for grief.

After that, it's just knowing that yes, it hurts and there's nothing that can be done about it. I have great pain over the fact that no future man in my life will get to meet my dad. It brings me great pain. Eventually, we find a way to live with our pain and allow ourselves to experience, at times without the pain, the great love that it truly represents.

Much love to you all tonight God Bless Georgina xx. Thank you Heartlight xx

[tobyfreefoot]

georgina--that is basically my experience too. i had to replay over and over and fall down screaming until finally i don't have to anymore. i feel i was suffering from post traumatic stress and i am finally doing better.

[ericasmom]

i had to do something physically different that required some focus in order to quit the nightly replay that began with my after dinner walk. I kept going out at the same time, replaying the phone call that Erica and I shared and replaying all the events and thoughts of that evening; including the phone call a half hour after returning from my walk, that heart wrenching call just a half hour after speaking to my Girl. And how the rest unfolded, I had to go out each evening and dial a sister or a friend, or take a walk with a friend or take a bike ride just because it was different than the walk...something that made me break out of the mold of that night. Oh it is not easy, but just finding a way to allow yourself the change of repetition...we think that letting that piece go means we are letting them go, but it of course isn't. I am here to say that battling PTSD is worth it, you make more room in your spirit and heart for the good stuff. Be patient with yourselves, this is not easy and no one way to do it. I agree that I had to immerse myself into the painful reenactment many times before I could find ways to let that piece go as best I could.

 

May the night be calm and the day tomorrow beautiful...

[rlolheiser]

Still reading and praying..  my heart is always here, there is always something around here to remind me of my friends I have met on this site.  It is nice how there are people who understand so much of what is felt.  I read and think to myself wow..  that is me ..

 

I have written a few posts and lost them all..  makes me think I am to keep quiet :-)

 

Mom is still suffering, they have found something new with her.. her aneurysm patch is leaking...  and to fix a patch I guess is hard.  I really don't know how they missed it during both stays in the hospital, it may not even been the need for the gallbladder surgery..  so I am a little upset..  waiting to hear from a specialist who will do the procedure..  if they will even do it now.  She is in so much pain, and has lost weight because of this.  I know it is in God's hands,

 

Retz62, I am sorry to hear of the loss of your mom.  Glad though that you found this spot.  The people here are so very kind, I found this site through the loss of my granddaughter and it has helped me a great deal.  Lately I mostly read, it helps me not to feel so alone.

 

I hope everybody is doing as well as can be expected..  our membership grows along with our caring for each other and the love for our angels.

[Everly]

Does anyone know how you go this post to be pinned?  I would love to see this done in the forum for those who lost a parent. This is a good way for people to chat daily about their feelings, rather than starting a new post each time, etc, etc.

 

I would love to get a 'daily' post pinned in that forum, anyone know how I do that?  Thanks!

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

retz62, you could ask the moderator of this forum about this, her name is Konnie and she has been so extremely helpful everytime I have written her. Here is her profile page. You can send her a message by clicking the button Message at the top of the profile.

http://forums.grieving.com/index.php/user/41448-modkonnie/

 

JaBoa's grandma, sending prayers for your mom. Hugs.

 

Dee, thanks for sharing that. I have not gotten past the point of reliving those last moments...I think it is worse since the trial is not complete...but you offer some practical advice based on your experience. Right now I just take a Lorazapam when it gets too bad. Georgina, I am hoping it fades some too...

 

Kate, sounds like some crazy weather, snow one week and 80 degrees the next??? I agree that there are only certain people and certain circumstances I share the events that surrounded Jesse's transition with. It is meant for some to hear, mostly other bereaved parents...but it is so painful as well. Because I did not understand these events could even occur, that is what launched my research.

[Everly]

Thanks so much Laurie!, I will do that.

 

As for PTSD, I too wish I could remove the memories of seeing my Mom in her stroke.  I had just left the hospital at 10:30pm, called her at 11:15pm said goodnight, etc, etc.. we laughed and 30min later my brother called and said the hospital called him and our mother was having a stroke.  Unbelievable.  We were all at the hospital within 30min only to witness our poor mother trying dearly to talk without success, her right side was paralyzed, and she was picking up her right arm with left arm and throwing her right arm down communicating to us "this is bullshit".  She knew what was going on, and she was mad.  Her eyes were not focused, they were swirling all over the place, it was the most unbelievable thing to witness seeing our dear Mom this way.  We were all so hysterical... asking her if she could see, she could talk just a little but then would get frustrated and drop her head.  This is what I replay all the time in my head... I can't get past this scene  She fell asleep a few hours later, thank gawd, we thought she was sleeping.. but she was going into a coma and never woke up.

 

This is my PTSD... and thank you for bringing this up as an issue.. cause I too cannot stop reliving this sight  My dear Mom...

 

This weekend is bad.  I keep thinking she's at home and I need to go shopping for her.  I keep thinking I need to pick up some yogurt for her, or bring her a plant, or stop by.  It's a holiday and I'm off work and I keep thinking she'll be calling and saying "what are you up to today kid", LOL  She was the most awesome Mom... thank you for letting me share.

[beachcitytom]

Just lost my step-son Saturday 5/23/15, suddenly.  41 years old with family to an apparent heart attack.  Difficult to deal with my loss which is naturally overshadowed by that of my wife.  I'm very troubled that she is focused on fixing blame and dealing with extreme anger.  Much of this is normal I know, but anger and blame are a typical coping method during times of stress for my wife, and it can be destructive.  Finding out about what happened is important, but moving responsibility from our son, to those around him I feel will not get us to where we need to be and help us deal with our loss.  I fear for my wife, but can only try my best to have her focus less on autopsy results and more on finding out about and assisting with the memorial plans, and making our plans to go from California to Florida and when we should leave to do that.

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

I found this on the CF on FB.....this is the recurring experience of so many parents....

[Mermaid Tears]

BeachCityTom.....am so sorry for your loss....and many on this site will tell you that extreme anger is a very normal reaction...also....trying to find the blame...both of you will wear a 'shock suit' that fits very, very tight for many months to come...

[Mermaid Tears]

I so agree with Dee.....one simply has to do something different...for we are almost masochistic in replaying that 'moment' like an old movie....

  I would 'sit and think and think and sit'.....trying to rewrite the script...

I bought a treadmill...( I use to walk 3 miles everyday years ago)....thinking the walking would help wear me out so I could sleep better....and we can all use some of those perky endorphins.. ..and it has helped to clear some of the brain fog away...not all...but some...the park had too many memories.

 

Georgina....Laurie posted something about children being able to see the 'veil' in a clear way....and see beyond easier than we do....

sometimes...I think we need to get out of our way...

and I so understand how it feels to get even 5 hours of sleep....I became a walking zombie for lack of sleep...at my age...I do know that sleep is one of my best vitamin pills to get done all I need to....

 

We have had torrential rains...and lots of flooding...and deaths and many are missing...not in our area...we have just had the rain...more around the San Antonio, New Braunsfels, Concan, Wimberly, ....very tragic....we are in contact with several friends and family keeping up with 'where' everyone is...with this being a holiday week-end....many were in those areas.

[tobyfreefoot]

beachcitytom-i'm afraid letting her  feel what she feels is all you can do this early on. just trying to be with her through it will be helpful to her. hopefully she can participate in the memorial planning but i do know some people can't get it together enough to do that.  i am sorry for your loss and having to help with your wife's overwhelming grief must be very hard. some people here have had more anger issues than i have and hopefully they can give you some insight

 

susan-what part of texas are you  in?  here come the storms for us again

[TearsInHeaven]

BeachcityTom--- we lost our son this past day after Thanksgiving.  He was home alone and his roommate found him.  Of course, it became a coroner's case and an autopsy was performed.  For the first month or so we were crazy with the need to know WHY?  WHAT HAPPENED?  The little that we were told was that it did not appear to be foul play or apparent injury.  Now here we sit so many months later and are still waiting for the official cause and all of the test results returned.  But, you know what, at this point unless it is something that could happen to our other child, what does it really matter..... He is gone and nothing is bringing him back.  No one could have stopped it.  He was 1600 miles from us.    Maybe that sounds callous but it is not.  I was crazy to know why.  I called every few days, I tried every route.  I too was angry all of the time.  We couldn't even have the memorial service for him for a month because they kept him.  It is 6 months later and I miss and mourn him everyday. The anger comes and goes.  So many here on this site have had tragic accidents to deal with yet we all suffer that same loss. When my head is racing in the many directions of the WHYS I just try to stop myself and think he is gone.  Nothing will ever change that.

[Mermaid Tears]

I live in Brenham, Texas....Washington County.....we are half way between Houston and Austin....it has been dark for several hours here.scattered thunderstorms/lightening...most of the torrential rain has been falling (today)....around San Antonio..San Marcus...Austin..Victoria...Wimberley....and to the south of our county....Gretchen....we 'hunker down' when it is like this....I hope you do, too.

  my GRANDson, Austin....who is a Jr. at U of T...in Austin....is sick..sick..sick....and there is simply no way to have him drive or us go get him because so many roads are closed due to flooding....(now he is not THAT sick...strep throat and swollen lymph nodes, fever)....but..he wants to be home....and Mama and Daddy want him home....that kid has only been sick about 3 times in his life....so he just doesn't know how to be sick. As soon as the roads open...we will go get that boy.

[Jeff's Mom]

Beachcitytom...I agree with Gretchen...you are both still in shock from losing your son. I am so sorry for your loss. It takes ages before the fog starts to lift. Needing answers is something we all search for. As much as we may dread the answer we can not rest until we know exactly what happened.  My husband and I waited for many months for the results of the autopsy. It was sent to our family Doctor and he called us in to give us the results in lay man terms. It was hard to hear that there was no reason physically that my son had to die. I have carried that with me all these many years. He made a very bad choice and it cost him his life. I will promise you this...as much as you are in this terrible pain right now...in time you will start to rebuild your life. You have to be patient and allow yourself to heal. We are all different in how we go about it. You must take the course that is best for you. Hold on.

 

Kate

[Jeff's Mom]

Susan, good heavens...there appears to be a lot going on in your area. We heard about the storms on the Weather Network. I hope you are safe. I understand your concern for your grandson. Streph throat is actually quite nasty. I used to get it all the time when I was a kid. Believe me...his moaning is for real. Hope he recovers soon.

 

Gretchen...stay safe!

 

Sandy, I hope that today was a nice one spent with the kids.

 

Wishing everyone a quiet and peaceful evening.

[Everly]

beachcityTom... oh my, you must give her some time and space to air that anger.. it's necessary, she is hurting.  It's so soon... days, she is incredibly raw, so raw.. not even human right now  When my mother first passéd in October, her health declined rapidly after a 'new age' treatment was given to her for her hepatitis... was supposed to make her better... she was better, she was fine, and this medicine knocked down her immune system so bad she developed a blood disorder, that was a nightmare for her for 8mo she suffered until a fatal stroke took her life.. due to her bad blood.  I was flaming mad for months!!  I hated the medicine when she was on it and watching her decline, and then when I felt it took her life, OMG I was a nightmare to everyone. I was cursing every hepatitis forum out there, I was cursing stroke forums where people lived through their strokes, I was cursing grief on Facebook... people defriended me, (big deal now right )  I almost went and taped 100 of her funeral mass cards to the window of her doctors office who gave her the medicine... I hated him.  I was banned from a hepatitis forum because i was outraged that the RN who moderated the forum would not even consider that the new and upcoming drug was responsible for my mothers death, ultimately.  It was so incrediblly painful to be that angry, but I needed to be angry, who isn't angry when your loved one dies

 

It is now almost 8mo and my anger has subsided drastically.  I am still so very sad, but I am no longer angry like I was.  I still post from time to time on the forums where I wasn't banned , and try to help others who are taking the medicine... i share my story, but the anger has subsided. 

 

You need to give your wife some time.. it's very natural to be angry that soon after.  She is hurting and need prayers and hugs and listening and compassion.  I like when Kate wrong "hang on"... I think that's the best any of us can do.  

 

Hugs.. and prayers... and I'm sorry about the loss of your dear son

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Found this blog entry on Rebecca Carneys blog (she lost her son to a drunk driver)...here is an excerpt followed by a link to her full write up.

 

https://onewomansperspective02.wordpress.com/2012/06/17/my-life-is-but-a-weaving/

 

In the early, numb phases of grief following the death of a child, it seems as though the weaving has stopped. Not only is the pattern is gone – it’s been obliterated – but there’s not much base of thread to work on. We look at the jumbled mess and don’t even know where to start. We don’t have the energy, focus, or desire to start.

 

Bereaved parents talk about life in terms of “before” and “after” the death of their child. We look back and see the already-completed picture. We look forward and see a mess of broken, frayed, and missing strings. All of those nice, neat, straight threads on which we were weaving the pattern of our lives are gone. The pattern or picture (future) we imagined and were working on is gone. The continuity and patterns are gone – and it’s all so very overwhelming. Sometimes we have to just do the minimal work on our “loom” – whatever we can handle until we are able to do more.

[ericasmom]

Susan, I am so glad that you and yours are safe from the flooding. I have read and heard on the news, so tragic, so much loss. We wish nobody ever had to know this sadness...

I am sorry that your College Boy is ill, so much strep going around here too, but once you get him home he will begin to feel better. Are his classes done? Will he stay on campus over the summer or go back home?

 

Gretchen, stay safe and keep your eye on the sky. I wish you and your family well.

 

Beachcity...I am so sad for the loss of your Stepson. Nothing harder to face than this kind of pain. I guess I would say that if your wife needs to find blame, just step aside and let her spend her extra energy right now. This is a drive for many. I hope for the sake of All, that the tests come back quickly and that they indicate no foul play, but a heart issue. In the meantime, finding ways to assist may seem futile, but one day when your wife needs to fall apart and be held, you will be there. Sometimes it is a manic energy that comes with this shock, and common sense does not always come into play. Again, just keep the house going and the bills being paid so that she can find ways to deal with her sadness/anger. I do believe that anger is easier than facing sadness/despair. So when that comes, your wife will need a lot of support. I wish her well and the whole family well.

[Mermaid Tears]

We have major flooding in Houston....last night...we were under a Tornado Alert....which is very unusual for Washington County...hugical thunderstorm and lightning...it was very tense ....the only flooding we have are our Farm to Market roads..and bridges that span our creeks...out in the country...no major bridges over rivers...

   just heard from Randa and Austin is coming home today...his fever was 101 and his lymph glands are more swollen...they want the family Dr. to see him....his classes are over....he lives in an apartment....but is supposed to be looking for another one to share with a friend...will be a happy Nonnie when the kid rolls in....I am worried about the road situation...but I know his Dad would not let him travel without checking every road/traffic alert and road closing beforehand...

     the extreme flooding that caused the most tragedy was in Wimberly....homes on the river were swept away. I hear about a 100 homes but need to check that fact...we tube there often.

 

Laurie...that was a very good reading you posted...I know now that the strange way time has another tick tock for me is because I do reference everything in my 'before and after' ...

 

Retz62...I lost my Mama in 1995...and I still miss her...she was such a 'Baby Doll'....now I keep her close and alive within and by me with my memories....and my gratitude for letting me be blessed in having such an amazing Mama....

  you have to know....she would not have left you...unless she had to.

[Sistergldnhair66]

Hi all. I've missed you, but have been reading today, pages and pages. Happy Heavenly birthdays to the angels I've missed.

Its been a rough few weeks. This week, the 28th will be six months that my Matthew left me. I also received a letter that his autopsy report is ready. I sent in my $16 to get a copy (I cannot believe I had to pay). I think the anxiety of receiving it has sent me in a tailspin. I do know, from the Police dept, that it was definitely an overdose. The man who was with him, has been extradited to NJ and is in jail still with charges related to his death. So court and trials will be forthcoming. I know no one but Matthew made him take his fatal dose, but I know in my heart he couldn't get the drugs on his own. He had help, and this man would have left my son in the driveway of my sisters house like he was a nobody, and that's not OK with me.

I also am feeling those who choose to pull away from us.. I am finding myself in a dark dark world, where everything has gone wrong in my life, starting with Matthew's death.

We are still in the process if dissolving our business and the financial aspect this is causing is devastating. I don't know how to dig out from under all of this.

I am praying for all of you in the wake of this weather situation. Just keep your shoes close

This week I am going to try to pack up Matthew's life from my sisters. I was there last week, and was rummaging through some papers. I found a Christmas card addressed to me, from 3 years ago, never mailed. I opened it, and my boy wrote me some love. I suppose this was my final gift from him.

And then this weekend, I was in the car with my boyfriend and he reached for something that was wedged next to his seat. It was a picture..of Matthew from when he was a little boy in my sisters wedding. Why it was there? We don't know. I took it as a sign.

Hugs to all xxxooo

[ericasmom]

EILEEN, DEFINITELY A SIGN FROM YOUR SON, BOTH THE PHOTO AND THE NEVER-SENT CHRISTMAS CARD. I AM HAPPY THAT YOU RECEIVED THESE...A GOOD WEEK TO RECEIVE THEM AS YOU FACE THE 6 MONTH MARK AND THE AUTOPSY RESULTS. I AM VERY GLAD THAT THE MAN WHO MADE ACQUIRING THE DRUGS SO EASY, IS IN JAIL.

ALL OF THE OTHER THINGS GOING ON WITH THE BUSINESS MUST BE SO DRAINING AS YOU ARE SIMPLY TRYING TO LIVE IN THE MIDST OF SO MUCH THAT HAS FALLEN AWAY. IT WON'T ALWAYS BE LIKE THIS. YOU WILL RISE UP FROM THIS, JUST GOING TO TAKE TIME.

 

MY HEART TO YOU EILEEN.

 

SUSAN, GLAD TO KNOW THAT YOUR GRANDBOY WILL SOON GET HOME.

 

LAURIE, THANK YOU FOR THE INTERESTING ARTICLES YOU POST, YOU ARE A BEACON IN THE NIGHT FOR MANY.

[Mermaid Tears]

Eileen...many on this site 'finds' things...and just like you....these 'items' seem to be found when one is at a low rung on the ladder of life...

    gee...I am so glad he didn't mail that Christmas card....it is like it was heaven sent....and it warms my heart to know that somewhere out there...a very sad Mama is getting a love note from their child...and finding the photo sends a message to me that he 'knows' his Mama really needs to feel him near....

 

so sorry you have such a disaster with the other issues....just take it all one day at a time...we are here to hear you...and we understand how dark and out of balance our lives can be when living with this kind of grief...just be very kind and gentle with yourself...give yourself a pat on the back a few times....Dee has posted many times how very brave we are to live one day after losing our child...and we/you are.

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee.....I am, too....he sent me a text message about his homecoming...we want our Dr. to check him out....it is so foreign for him to be sick....Randa and I were just comparing our notes last night trying to remember when he has been sick...all we can think of is twice when he was much younger...and now this is the 3rd time...I am thinking he got really run down with the finals...

 

am posting this...when I read this on the CF site....it just stunned me...I said some layers of prayers for this family....

also posting the photos a friend sent me...

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....we would really like to hear from you.

[Sistergldnhair66]

Dee and Susan, thank you. Susan, I'm sure he got run down. I'm never ever sick with colds and infections, but twice in the past month I've gotten colds and a relentless cough that won't quit. Now that I've lost my health coverage, I've been playing my own doctor.

Hoping that grandma can get your boy well. Xxxooo

[Sholl1955]

No time to write  as I am at work.  Just checking to see if Susan is ok after the flooding in Texas.   Glad to see  you here Susan.  Will write again later.

Sandy

[tobyfreefoot]

susan--glad to hear your grandson is coming home. strep is terrible. we live on top of a hill but the flooding has been crazy as it has in texas too i guess. here comes a weather update right now.

 

also due to the season i want to post this:

 

signs of drowning

 

 

 

stay safe

[Mermaid Tears]

Update.....as soon as Austin got here...they took him to the Dr.....even tested him for Mono....thankfully..he doesn't have Mono....just really bad tonsils that is causing all this fever/swollen glands/really bad sore throat....so he already has an appt. to see an ENT ....so...he will be having his tonsils out soon....and so glad that school is over...and feeling grateful that he could make it here. His Mom and Dad brought him by the house so I could 'look' at him.

  

Still lots of flooding....it is like some horrific movie....

 

our little town is already circling the wagons to collect goods to take to our fellow Texans...

my heart is so proud of our little town...every organization/church comes together and works together when there is a tragedy and folks are suffering.

 

Thanks for everyone thinking of me and mine....

[InHeavensKeeping]

Susan so glad your safe. Was so worried when I saw the house being washed away just prayed all was well for you. Glad Austin made it home safe hope his surgery goes well.

Gretchen I'm glad your on a hill was also worried for you. Thanks for sharing the signs of drowning info xx

Susan I felt so overwhelmed for that family I will also pray for them to find some strength in the coming days.

Laurie thanks for sharing the link really so helpful to see this all through someone's else eyes.

Eileen so happy you received those signs keep going I'm two months in front of you and feeling the same as you. I wake up every day thinking omg not another day to go through with all this pain.

Hugs and peace to you all Georgina xx

[daveydow1]

Beachcitytom-----I'm sorry for your loss of your dear stepson, so very recently.

Please come back to this site where everyone understands the pain & sorrow of

losing a beloved child.  Prayers for you and your wife.

 

Georgina----I do so hope that some of your questions and concerns about dear

James' death can be cleared up by the people who are coming to see you.  Yes---

it is all too common......the refrain that careless driving/negligent driving must be

proved in court.  When we were told this by the lawyers,.....I said "what could be

more negligent driving than 'sleeping' at the wheel".  The driver got a slap on

the wrist, really.  That lady at your work who told you that it's time to 'move on',

said one of the foremost stupid things people can say to a grieving person.  It is

not their place to make that decision.  Each of us must move along on this rough

road at our own pace......not someone else's timeline. 8 months is just so new

to be on this journey, and telling someone to 'move on' is really stupid.   Peace to you.

 

Dee----I agree....If people can't (or don't want to) understand, then it must end up

being their problem.  Grieving people need all the strength they can find just to

go day-to-day,...and the people who say stupid things should just quit saying

those things.  You are right, that each must find something to do to break the

constant chain of re-living the nightmare of a child's death.  It won't be easy,

that's for sure, but will help if something can be found that will give the mind & soul

a bit of rest.  We have peonies blooming now, and rhodies.  So nice.

 

Kate-----So glad that your weather has turned nice again..

 

Gretchen----Thanks for your post the Signs Of Drowning.  This is the time of

year when swimming is so popular, and it's good to know when someone

is in trouble in the water, so that all efforts to save someone can be put into action. 

 

Laurie----Oh,...that woman who said that this would be your opportunity to share

the faith with the one who killed your dear Jesse.....what a thing to say.  While

she probably meant well,....it sure was not something that you would want to

hear....(I wouldn't either).  Such dumb things people say to the grieving !  Davey's

accident report/law enforcement photos remain in the lockbox.. I'm not sure

why I don't get rid of them, but will never show them to anyone....too graphic

and horrific. I would not want to cause anyone else any bad feelings or distress. 

 

Susan----I agree that we mark time by events, large or small, by the 'before' & 'after'.

I, too, believe that telling someone who is grieving that the deceased person is

in a 'better  place'  is not going to make the bereaved person feel better.  Sometimes

the less said, the better.  Have been seeing on t.v. about the awful floods that your

area has been having.  Glad that you are safe, and praying for all who are involved

in this natural disaster.

 

Leah---Good to see your post. I'm sorry that your dear mom is not doing well.

Sending up prayers for her, and your entire family.   Peace to you, friend.

 

Dianne------Yes, the waiting is so difficult.  We, too, had to wait awhile for the

results of the autopsy, which took longer due to the fact that our David's body

had to be sent to Columbus because there was no coroner available here in our

own county at the time.  Your words were so true.....that no matter the

circumstances of our child's death...we all suffer the same loss.  

 

Eileen----The 6 month point after losing your dear son, Michael, is so very difficult...

I know,....I'm sorry.  Sending thoughts & prayers.   Peace to you.

 

PEACE    AND   COMFORT   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry 

[Mermaid Tears]

am sure all on this site has the same knee jerk reaction to 'anything'.....

I am wiping the sweat beads off my brow...after learning Austin only has some bad tonsils...

 

since John David....

 

not only do I carry this 'grief' but also...another kind of 'fear'...

it is almost like I carry this 'grief and fear' in balance....fear...that something could happen to my loved ones...grief letting me know that I have no control....

 

it has had an impact on my core personality....like you said, Gretchen....'I will never have that kind of free happiness again'...

my free spirit has had a 'shock suit' fitted around it....

I think I will walk carefully from now on...

[Everly]

help to clarify "shock suit", I'm interested...

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

this is a definition of 'shock after death of a loved one'....

 

I use the term 'shock suit'....for I felt like I had a layer...a suit....around me for a long, long time...fitting very tight...it really was a protective suit for me....for if I had let the 'whole spectrum' of losing my SONshine boy in all at once...I do know I would have suffered a physical/emotional...complete breakdown...

  I did listen to my instincts which 'told me' to cocoon....I cancelled every civic/community/social commitment and ordered every book written and co-written by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross....

   what works for me....may/may not work for everyone....

I do believe we need to listen to our inner spirit for what we need....

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Here is what I found on Shock and Bereavement from National Center of Victims of Crime:

 

Grief: Coping with the Death of a Loved One

 

Definition

Grief is a continuing process of mourning through which one learns to live with loss.

 

Overview

 

When a loved one dies, those left to mourn, or survivors, often find themselves entangled in a complex web of emotions and reactions. The death of a loved one can be an overwhelming, frightening and painful experience. The psychological, social and physical effects of loss are articulated through the practice of grief.

 

How individuals grieve depends on many factors: their support system; the circumstances of the death; the response by family members, friends and the criminal justice system; the nature of the relationship with the deceased; religious or cultural beliefs and customs; and the individual's coping skills. No two people will grieve in the same way. However, survivors often find it helpful to speak with others experiencing loss, as there are common reactions and experiences that may prove useful to share.

 

Possible Grief Reactions:

 

Denial

Often after learning of the death of a loved one, especially a sudden death, survivors experience a feeling of shock, numbness and disbelief that their loved one is gone. To be confronted by the death of a loved one is so horrible, devastating and absolute that many individuals are unable to comprehend the overwhelming news. Therefore, in order to process the shock, many survivors will immediately disbelieve that a loved one has died. Denial is a coping mechanism and a normal and functional grief reaction.

 

Anger

As the reality of facing life without a loved one sets in, many survivors feel frustrated, cheated and abandoned. Those left to grieve may become angry at their loved one for leaving them; at the doctors who should have done more; at other family members for not having the same feelings; and, in a case of death as a result of a violent crime, at the person or persons responsible for the crime, as well as the entire criminal justice system.

 

When death occurs as a result of a violent crime, survivors' anger may be compounded and their reactions more complicated. Many homicide survivors are surprised and frightened by the intensity of anger and violence they feel toward those who killed their loved one(s). Homicide survivors may devise elaborate plans of revenge that involve the murderer suffering more cruelly and graphically than the victim. To fantasize acting out rage or revenge is a normal reaction for a bereaved survivor. By verbalizing these feelings, perhaps within a support group setting, survivors can try to move past the anger toward healing.

 

Guilt

Survivors may encounter intense feelings of guilt after someone they love has died. The guilt may come out of unresolved conflicts with the deceased, or through thinking they could have somehow prevented the death of their loved one. While guilt is a normal grief reaction, most often factors outside a survivor's control cause death. Therefore, it may help to process feelings of guilt to speak with individuals who knew the loved one, as well as the circumstances of the death, so that they may help the survivor realistically evaluate feelings of guilt and responsibility.

 

Other Common Grief Reactions Include:

• Feelings of powerlessness;
• Numbness;
• Hypersensitivity;
• Hyper-vigilance (jumpiness);
• Overwhelming sense of loss and sorrow;
• Disruptive sleep patterns;
• Inability to concentrate;
• Lethargy;
• Fear and vulnerability;
• Confusion;
• Social withdrawal;
• Change in eating habits
• Restricted affect (reduced ability to express emotion);
• Questioning of faith;
• Physical and financial problems; and
• Constant thoughts about the circumstances of the death.

Grief Spasms

Survivors may feel, even years after the loss of a loved one, brief periods when feelings of loss are particularly intense. These "grief spasms" are usually brought about by "triggers." Triggers are occasions, scents, tastes, songs, or other stimuli which remind survivors of their loved one and loss. For example, birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, or driving by the scene of a drunk driving crash may bring about intense feelings of grief for those learning to cope with loss. As time passes, most survivors find that grief spasms lose their intensity and frequency, and are a normal part of processing the loss of a loved one.

 

Suggestions for Coping with the Death of a Loved One

• Support groups/counseling. In adjusting to their lives after the loss of a loved one, many survivors find it helpful to share their feelings with others who are in similar circumstances. Many communities have support groups established through hospitals, churches or social service agencies that lend an atmosphere of support and empathy, which may normalize a survivor's reactions.
• Counseling with a professional therapist may be an option as well, for assistance and guidance through the grieving process. To maximize benefits from counseling, survivors should look for counselors experienced in dealing with grief issues. If a death is a result of a violent crime, survivors may be able to receive reimbursement or direct payment for counseling expenses through their state's crime victims' compensation program. For more information about the compensation program in a particular state, survivors should contact local law enforcement or prosecutor's office.
• Acknowledge feelings of loss. Though emotions may be difficult, it is important for survivors to work through feelings of sorrow, anger, guilt, and other demonstrations of loss, and not be afraid to express them. Expressive outlets, such as conversations with others, drawing or writing, may prove helpful in articulating and coping with feelings of loss. Survivors should be patient with themselves. The grieving process takes time, and feelings of loss may not diminish quickly or easily.
• Be patient with others. Many people, though well-meaning, can say inappropriate things to those who grieve. Most often people simply do not know what to say, and want to help, not hurt. An inappropriate remark may be an imperfect but well-intentioned expression of caring.
• Recognize limits. At first, survivors should expect to feel a multitude of emotions that may make it hard to cope with everyday tasks. If possible, survivors should seek to engage a strong support system, asking others to assist in the grieving process or to take over tasks that may prove too difficult or painful. Survivors may also want to have regular checkups with a physician in order to monitor possible stress-related physical ailments.

To Assist Someone Who is Grieving

• Ask what can be done to help. Someone who has experienced the loss of a loved one may need assistance with daily tasks, but may be unable to ask. Offer to help with logistical tasks such as phone calls to funeral directors, acquaintances, and credit card companies, or offer to babysit young children or care for pets.
• Listen. Listen without making any judgements. Survivors may need to periodically speak with someone about what they are experiencing and feeling. It may be helpful to be available to a survivor to talk not only immediately after the loss, but occasionally thereafter, and especially on significant dates and holidays.
• Provide information and support. Find out if there are appropriate and available support groups in the survivor's area. If the criminal justice system is involved, investigate services available to survivors through the system and the appropriate person(s) to call for further information and assistance. If there are legal issues, offer to call prospective attorneys.

Conclusion

 

The grief process is often characterized as work because it is laborious and difficult. There is no timetable for grieving and everyone will manage the loss of a loved one differently. Loss forces survivors to readjust their lives in order to compensate and cope. Grief can be a long, painful process, but can be managed with assistance from friends, family members, or outside support. Survivors need to engage others in the grief process if possible, as doing so may assist them in attempting to reconstruct their lives after loss.

 

Bibliography

Brener, A., (1993). Mourning and Mitzvah. Woodstock, VT: Jewish Lights.

Doka, Kenneth, (1995). Children Mourning: Mourning Children. Washington, D.C.: Hospice Foundation of America.

James, John W. and Russell Friedman, (1998). The Grief Recovery Handbook. New York: HarperCollins, Inc.

Klaas, D., Silverman, P.R., and Nickman, S.L., (Eds.). (1996). Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief. Washington, D.C.: Taylor & Francis.

Lord, Janice Harris, (1994). Beyond Sympathy. Ventura, CA: Pathfinder Publishing of California.

Rothman, Juliet Cassuto, (1997). The Bereaved Parents' Survival Guide. New York: Continuum.

 

https://www.victimsofcrime.org/help-for-crime-victims/get-help-bulletins-for-crime-victims/grief-coping-with-the-death-of-a-loved-one

[Mermaid Tears]

Thank you, Laurie......we can all put our name on every category....and also....all those emotions can wash over us within an hour...or less....grief is so exhausting....

[ericasmom]

Laurie, thanks for your ever-helpful posts that help clarify the new normal for folks. You are very giving.

 

Everyone stay safe, weather can be so sudden.

 

Our class is going on the river boat today, architecture tour of Chicago's buildings. It is sunny and wonderful out, first day in a while.

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....have a fun and safe boat ride with all that precious cargo....

 

 

 

 

Laurie....you and I are 'in' our 3rd year.....

what I have become aware of about a month ago is my increasing anxiety for the 'What If'....the shock suit does not fit tight...and I am learning the new normal of my child not being on this earth home....

my grief has many layers ....

shades...

I go up and down....depending on the time of day....marker days....songs...random memories that come through portals...

  I find when I am busy...I can move forward...instead of being paralyzed...

 

but now....I have adopted another kind of stress in that thought pattern of 'What If' something happens when my children/GRANDchildren are traveling....to concerts...Proms...games...even when I get up....I study the weather where all of them live...the traffic patterns....worry...worry...stress...stress...high anxiety....

   so...I stopped watching the news in the morning....and I remind myself that I don't have Super Human Control....only Super Human Love...

    I am guessing this is a knee jerk reaction to all parents that has lost a child...

 

an update on Austin.....he has his appt. with a ENT Dr. this afternoon....his throat is somewhat better and the swelling has gone down in his lymph nodes/neck....

[Steve s mom]

Beachcitytom

It's been 42 months since my son passed away.i am only now able to plan a memorial service we are having next year the 5 th anniversary of his death.

We had a very small funeral few close family maybe 6 people.i know so many wanted to come and mourn his death I just couldn't bear to face it.i was really expecting and hoping to be one of those mothers you hear of who have a heart attack and just die at their child's casket.i couldn't imagine living one day without my son,and sometimes I still wonder why I'm still here.

So next spring ( the same time that is our 35 wedding anniversary ) we will be having a wonderful memorial service for Steve as well,so all who cared so much for him can attend since they couldn't attend his funeral this will be a celebration of his life not just a remembrance of his death.i hope I too may get some closure from this ,but I am not sure.

All I know is as long as I live my child and his life will never be forgotten.

You may not be able to plan your child's memorial service ,that's fine ,I barely could show up at my sons funeral I could manage nothing more then,it takes time.

[tobyfreefoot]

As your friends move on and away i feel so alone, clinging to the remnants of your life.

 

one of forest's best friends, tommy, is leaving for a year or more in china.  he has been marshall's roommate all this time too. marshall is having panic attacks.  everyone is moving away and moving on. forest would be so proud but they are my support and what has been keeping him alive for me.  they are cosplaying for a kon in this pic.

 

 

[TearsInHeaven]

Eileen-

Thinking of you as we share this awful 6 month mark.

[Mermaid Tears]

Those marker dates.....they aren't in the newspapers...or will make the 6 o'clock news...but they are blazoned across our hearts and thoughts...and I will not candy coat it....it hurts....it is hard....it will strike you to the knees....but it is do-able...

even if you go to bed all day....even if you don't brush your teeth....you keep your marker day anyway you want to...and do whatever can bring you the slightest bit of comfort...as I say....you are the 'star' of your movie. We are here to hear you and let you know you can survive...please be good to yourself and give yourself some pats on the back. We are so..so brave.

 

 

 

Gretchen...this old world just won't stop and let us off...

I think we are all good people....and clap for any of our children and their friends...for their success. We want them to grow and move on and find a quality life....

but I understand how it can feel to open that hand to let them walk into their future. From the way you describe him....he will never be out of touch with you and yours...with all this instant communication....all of you will be on the journey with him.

  Love that photo.....with the essence of Forest all over it.

[Jeff's Mom]

Laurie, thank you for all of the reading material that you have provided for everyone.

 

Susan, my heart aches when I here of the losses in your area. Prayers sent your way.

 

Have a peaceful evening everyone.