Loss of an Adult Child

[Houdiniwho]

Hi all, I have been reading but not posting because sometimes it is hard to say what I am thinking, something I honestly never thought would be possible. I was born without a filter and am not a quiet wallflower. As I adjust to the new me a quiet, recluse wallflower, I find it hard to express myself.

My lovely sister had an article posted in the cape cod times about my son. Although her intent was not in malice, she was dead wrong on so much about him. She saw him twice since my Mom's death in 2005, so she really knew nothing about him or his internal struggles. Even little crap in the article bugged me. She wrote that my parents often babysat for me, so I could have some adult time. Truth is I didn't go out for 3 years, they watched him for me at night when I was finishing my MBA. Reading the article, relapsed me into panic and grief to the point of me not wanting to leave my bed, let alone my house. My niece who has been with me through this, coming down from Maine as much as possible to hang out with her old aunt just tried to discuss it with her. And when I say this niece is exactly like my son was, that calm voice of reason, she received a bunch of profanities and attacks by my ever so kind self centered narcissistic sister. I am so sad right now, I want to call the place that published this and tell them the truth, she wrote this for herself not for me. She loves attention and will grab it at any moment. I would deactivate my FB, but then I would lose my son's page because some ass reported him dead, so although I had access, it was removed and they put remembering... Done with rant and thanks for listening.

[Mermaid Tears]

Paula....we do understand....and we understand the 'change' in you....

Dee has posted many times....'we change to make room for the grief'....please know that it is normal to change...for now...your 'shock suit' is fitting very, very tight....there will seem to be a foreign place you are living in...even though all around you stays the same....the sun comes up....the stars come out at night....even though our inner clock and life seemed to stop at that moment our child left this earth home....

    time still seems to be a different kind of tick-tock for me....and I am in my 3rd year....I am thinking my inner clock unwound and I will travel with my own kind of sundial...

   maybe because I still live in a mojo kind of 'before and after'....

 

We also understand how you are hurt and angry by the article your sister wrote...for she interpreted your boy with not his persona...but with her persona...many parents on this site have had to deal with family and friends who have been rude..careless..and frankly..very dishonest. I am glad your niece is there with you. It is good to have a human hand to hold.

      Go ahead and vent all you want on this site...we are here to hear you.

None of us are professional counselors or therapists....we are just parents that hold each others hands...as we travel this grief journey....and you don't have to post....for many parents are so shattered....it is enough to just read.

     None of us have answers but many can nod their heads in agreement with you...for they have had similar situations. For me....I find solace in knowing there is a circle of people that understand my grief journey...and they reach out to me....and help me find my footing when I fall down so many times. Please tell us about your SONshine boy...when you can.

     

[tobyfreefoot]

i'm sorry i know this isn't a joke site but spring in oklahoma is nuts and there is a tornado near FLAT ARMADILLO ROAD which struck me as hysterical. you may have to live here to appreciate it. also i am just going to bed and now they just put my house in the tornado warning track. gak i don't want to sleep with my shoes on. putting on shoes is the only precaution i planned to take. never have even been near a storm cellar. i really need to go to bed. guess i will put them near the bed and maybe my phone won't go out and someone will call if i need to wake up. no sirens out here. sorry i know this is inappropriate for this site but you are my friends and it is crazy and kinda funny.. they just said in mcclain county they put the people in the court house in the jail when the tornado went over. ha ha brother! oklahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plain

 

ok pardon my outburst was just on here when all this started happening so i thought i would share.

 

love to you guys thanks for being here

 

 

[InHeavensKeeping]

Hi can anyone help me with this. I read it last night and have been so worried since.

D on't shed tears in his memory. Just bless him, and let them go. or else your son's soul will not be in peace. whenever you remember just bless him and try not to call him again to this world. he has finished his duties on this earth, we are also on our way. Do remember the thing's which were good when he was there. Help others who are in sorrow. The blessing;s which they give is very much needed for you. Take care.

I just couldn't bare the thought that I am making my Son suffer in some way. I don't know what to do.

Thank you Georgina x

[tobyfreefoot]

georgina somewhere i heard a similar thing. i decided my son knows how broken hearted i am and he will stay near as long as i need him to.  i know if the situation was reversed he would be having a hard time too.  i would see the big picture and would stay in anyway i could until he was able to manage. his duties maybe finished here but his mama is still here and our hearts are so entangled he surely doesn't want me to never be able to call out to him.  i try not to too much now but at the stage you are at i was still screaming don't leave me don't leave me. so in time you probably won't need to call him back to you as badly but right now i think it is fine.  what kind of mom wouldn't? what kind of system would punish a child just because his mom missed him and loved him so much? don't worry love is never bad.

 

[Jeff's Mom]

Georgina, I agree with Gretchen. James will always surround you with his love and goodness. And you will always cherish him and hold him close in your heart. That will never die. And as such... all that is beautiful and good can not be simply be erased because they die. You do not have the power or ability to hold him back. His love for you will most definitely be felt in ways that only you will understand. That is a gift given from above. Let your heart be open and lead you to feel his presence.

 

Gretchen, goodness...I sure hope you are going to be ok throughout the storm. I can relate to your worries. Stay safe. We had a very bad couple of days this weekend. We went from nice sunny days to a Colorado Low that swept through our province. We experienced driving rains, high winds, and then approximately two inches of snow. Because it was a wet snow it froze quickly and it was a terrible few days. Our power was out for seventeen hours. The lake was a raging beast.   The temps dropped from 20C (68F) to -1C last night...in a 12 hour period. I will admit it was getting pretty chilly in the house.

 

Sandy, thinking of you today. Sending prayers.

 

Wade, sorry that I missed Brooks birthday. I hope that you felt comfort from the support of all around you.

[ericasmom]

I do believe Wade, that the video you gave us is a little slice of heaven, so beautifully filmed, such joy in those young ones, such hope in the frames to the heavens...

I do understand what you mean about why you continue to work with kids, it is an instant 'on' button when with the students, they have hearts as big as the sky and I do believe uncover this when they have a teacher who shows them what a heart is about. They give to you straight from their hearts, no pretenses, no aritficial anything. They give what they know and what they understand from you.

Your poem is beautiful, thank you thank you.

[ericasmom]

Georgina, I fully agree with the others here, we can read things till the cows come home, but really, we do what we do, we call them back because of love and sadness, it all works its way through. James and all of our Angels get it, they know, they know better than any of us, we ache, we call out for them to know how dear they will always be. Sometimes we ask them to be beside us, I do not believe that we are doing them a disservice, and I do believe that they can fully understand motivations. You call James name, it is a lovely sound, and he knows what you need right now, he is not being hassled by you.

 

Paula, there were lies in our newspaper too, but not due to my sisters or family...just poor reporting. I am sorry that your sister decided to write so that she can receive attention. We really all have had folks in our lives who are similar and it hurts, it makes us angry, and in the state we are in in early grief, if we go off on them, everyone chalks it up to ' oh she's grieving' ...well no sh--, I will be for a long time, either learn how to use decorum and care or please step away. Anyhow, we have had to say things such as this to family and friends.

 

Gretchen, you make me smile, that shoes were your only defense cracks me up and why not bring your humor here, who better that needs it?

Be safe.

[Sholl1955]

Just stopping by for a moment.   My mama died last evening at 7:20.   It was a long 3 weeks since her stroke, but she is now at peace.   It has brought back many memories of Sarah's last days, but that is to be expected I guess.  Feeling kind of numb right now.  Will write more later.

Sandy

[ericasmom]

Sarah, your Momma is at peace, and I would guess that Sarah helped her crossover...I know that it is impossible to relive other losses when we experience a new loss, it is the nature of it all. I pray that you will be able to get some rest and that you feel the peace and serenity that your Mom now has. You have helped your family in countless ways Sandy and you continue to do so. The caretaker. The big-hearted caretaker.

[Mermaid Tears]

Sandy....I feel as if I have been on this grief journey with you....and your Sarah....

and now....I find....you have held and released your Mom's hand on this earth home...

 

when I read Elisabeth Kubler-Ross books....I KNEW....THAT NO ONE passes alone...I believe with all my heart...that Sarah was there for your Mom...with all my heart

[tobyfreefoot]

sandy-i'm so sorry to hear of losing your mom. mine is still living and my best friend. she is 86 so i know this is coming for me too. my heart goes out to you.

 

kate--cold is not something i can do. tornadoes yes cold no way. btw your pics in the mountains were beautiful. on my way out to work still storming but at regular start time i couldn't drive through it. hopefully i'm not stuck in the mud

 

[Mermaid Tears]

[Mermaid Tears]

Gretchen....I so loved your poem.....and it is true....it does feel as if we carry some heavy weight around our hearts...but we will not put it down...it is the heavy grief we will carry til we leave this earth home...

    and I know that if this is the price I pay for loving that child...and for being blessed to have him....I will pay...

 

I do hope those tornadoes simmer down...I know your heart is in your throat for you and yours safety...and I totally relate to the 'shoes'....I think I would sleep with them on...

 

Georgina....I do think who ever said or wrote that about 'letting them go'....has not had this kind of grief...sounds a lot like

'hoo-doo  voodoo' talk....

   our children would not have left us...unless they had to....

I do believe they are in a place of beauty, peace and light....

but nothing can extinguish the love, relationship or connection between a parent and child...nothing...

[InHeavensKeeping]

Thank you Gretchen, Kate, Dee and Susan.

I wish I could open my heart to feel him close to me I'm Herat broken and I also know what it means now to be. But reading that article had really disturbed me asI didn't want to make JaMes suffer more in any way at all.

So tire tonight will post more later love to all Georgina xx

[ericasmom]

I remember Georgina, in the beginning of our grief, I would apologize to Erica for calling on her so often, but it finally occurred to me that I felt more peaceful after talking to her and so I know that she would be happy about that. I talk to Erica still, nearly 12 years after she left, because she still is my Daughter, my confidant, and she still lets me feel her peace.

 

[tobyfreefoot]

funny thing i checked with my mom and her visiting sister to see how they had faired. my mom said they had set their shoes by the door in case they had to go downstairs to a first floor apartment and my good friend in norman said she had gotten on her shoes and got a flashlight. we are all fine. expecting another4-6 inches of rain. the flooding is tremendous. have had a few tornados here but the closest one was two miles away.

 

i finally got a call from my coworkers wife whose son died in dec. she said everyone was telling her she is so emotional because she has had a stroke. its been 5 months for heaven's sake

 

[ericasmom]

Dang Gretchen, close calls. I hope that the spring rains slow down to a shower or two a week, that the winds calm, that the sun shines on you all.

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee..... I seem to have an 'ongoing' talk...communication with my John David...it changes with the morning..noon ...and night...

but...that is 'ok'...

[Jeff's Mom]

Gretchen, I really hope that you were spared that awful storm last night. I imagine you are getting something of what we had this past weekend. I heard from my SIL in Dayton and she said they had to turn on some heat after having lovely weather for ages. Good grief....your co-worker suffered a stroke and also lost her son!!! That poor woman. People can be very insensitive and brain dead when making comments such as that.

 

Susan, I often talk to Jeff. Little things that I would have shared when he was alive. I am confident that he is with me in spirit. The other night I asked him to keep us safe during the storm. And darned if...he did just that! We woke up on Monday morning to no power. All neighbors had lost many trees. Next door a full ten spruce trees toppled. Four behind us. Eleven beside them. Yet here we were unscathed. Even my tulips are blooming today after have been covered in an icy slush and snow. I smiled to myself. It takes faith. And perhaps Jeff and his "friends" were there to protect us that night. Something made sure we were not affected. And I so believe in the next life. No exceptions. Faith has carried me through much adversity. When you have the big guns on your side...well, it pays to remain loyal and true. Perhaps that is why I am not as sad as I should be. I know without question that I will see him again. This separation is temporary.

 

I am thinking of everyone today and hoping your day gives you some peace and comfort.

 

Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

After being on this site for this long....Kate....I knew you talked to your 'Jeff'...your SONshine boy...you have a shining spirit that can put a light on our grief journey....and show us we can survive this...thank you.

[Mermaid Tears]

this is a life lesson we learn ...and if we do our 'homework'....we find it gives us an answer to the kind of grief we experience when we lose a child...it validates how we carry forward...and can even give us a sliver of peace.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I had a friend show up on my doorstep yesterday. It was interesting that this topic of talking to those transitioned came up between her and I. She had a cousin that recently passed and there is to be an upcoming funeral. He was only slightly older than her. And also, her elderly mom wanted to place flowers on her mothers gravesite for Memorial Day. Well, here is Rachel, groaning on and on about why people bother to put flowers on a grave site. She told me she doesn't believe in it so no one should do it for her. Then she goes on and adds, that she does not believe in "talking to the dead" either. Now, Rachel has never been married and has no children, was an only child, and as you can tell, is a bit ornery. (Kind of like the Anne of Green Gables, Rachel Lynde character.)

 

So, I, tongue-in-cheek, told her that if she goes first I am going to put a flower on her site, and drink a soda for her while there and say, "Hello Rachel, how do you like it over there in heaven?" But I said then, maybe she will drop a big branch on my head. Well,that quieted her down real fast. As you can tell, I am a bit tired of people's silly opinions being directed my way.

 

From what I have researched on NDEs, Deathbed visions and my own personal experience, I have no problem sending Jesse and Taylor my love intentionally. We express love to them while they were here in the physical, I am not having anyone tell me I can't send love to them while they are in a non-physical form until I get there. Besides since God is Love, I am sure He has no problem with it either.

 

(Rachel is still my friend, she is just held hostage by negative fear-based religious beliefs).

 

**********************************************************************

 

Gretchen, I am glad that you are okay from the storms. Did you go to your UK trip yet?

 

*********************************************************************

 

Mike's mom, good to see  your post the other day...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Sandy, I am sorry for the loss of your mom. Hugs.

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie....it is hard to let the ignorant take up any of our time....

harder still.....to give the ignorant a stage to talk their talk...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Susan, yes people seem to have a lot of opinions about how the bereaved should be doing this or that, or how they think were to handle a situation, or demand what your feelings should be on a certain matter...they really don't have a clue...but they have their measuring stick.

 

It is a rare find that someone will walk beside you and just be present, without judgment, and in love.

 

 

[Everly]

Hi, I hope you don't mind me popping in.  I lost my dear Mom almost 8mo ago, the grief is so unbearable at times. She was 80 and I am 52yo.  I find it hard to find people to talk to and who understand... everyone wants to just say "smile", "she in a better place", expressions that do nothing but make me feel worse.

 

I saw this thread and it's the first time I ever felt somewhat understood... and connected.  I really like alot what all of you have said about loss... even though losing a Mom I'm sure is so different than a child, but what you all have written has helped me.  I just want to say thank you for sharing... and I'm going to keep reading here, I hope you don't mind.

 

 

[Jeff's Mom]

Laurie, I agree with you. It is rare indeed to find that kind of support. After such a long time I find that I am expected to act as if Jeff did not exist. It makes them uneasy to hear me speak his name. I simply stand my ground and talk about him in a natural way. I plan to do that from now on...and hopefully by doing so it will put them at ease. I have reached a stage that I no longer have patience for many things that I once did. Partly this is due to my aging...but more from losing Jeff. I smiled at your story of Rachael and the flowers at the gravesite. Many people think along those lines. It gives me comfort to add something lovely to Jeff's site or another family member. I had to smile years ago while attending a funeral of a close friend of my mother. She was seriously allergic to flowers. The day of her funeral I got out of the car parked alongside the road to her burial site...as it was held first before the service. As I stepped out of the car I happened to look down. There on the ground was a single red carnation. It had not blown across the lawn. There were no other flowers at that time. I reached down and picked it up. Placed it on Kay's grave and smiled to myself.  I knew she would understand the humour in it. We all find ways to honor our loved ones and hopefully take comfort by those actions.

 

Sandy, thinking of you.

 

Gretchen, hope you are ok.

 

Georgina, hope the past few days are a bit better. How is the baby?

 

Dee, did you escape our nasty weather?

[tobyfreefoot]

ah kate jeff gave you tulips after the storm? beautiful.

 

the highway 10 feet from my drive

expecting 4-6 more inches of rain and storms through sunday. my guess is the highway will collapse by then.  my friend that lives this direction went into work the night i waited until 3 am. he had to detour 8 times and the next morning one of the places he couldn't pass because of flooding had collapsed.  we have another driveway about 600 feet before this one i suggested to my husband he might want to use. i have to use it already because we have a low water crossing and right now it is way too fast and deep for my little suzuki.  i think we will be out of the woods soon. may is always our worse tornado month.

[tobyfreefoot]

retz62-glad you found comfort here. i certainly have. i haven't lost my mom but she is 86. i dread the day

 

[tobyfreefoot]

also i got a dozen replacement chickens 

[Jeff's Mom]

retz62...I am glad you posted. Losing a person that you love dearly and hold close to your heart is always going to leave a huge gap. It hurts. The absence is felt in a deep way.  I lost my parents and my husband has also lost his over the past few years. Walking that path beside them as they age and we see their decline into poor health is difficult to handle. I am sorry for your loss. I hope that over time the memories that are special that you shared together will bring smiles and warm feelings.

 

Gretchen, my goodness...it is so scary how much damage a storm can do in such a short time. Please stay safe. Keep us posted. I love your pics of the chickens. If I had a farm I would probably name every animal. That then would mean they would live long and leisurely lives. Probably a dairy farm. 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Kate, I like your flower story, glad you noticed the humor...

 

retz62, Sorry for the loss of your mom, there are several  here who have recently faced this additional loss...sending you peace...

 

Gretchen, be safe. Are you going to name your chickens?

[daveydow1]

As usual, I'm falling behind, and can't catch up.   so,....here goes.

 

Retz62----I am sorry for your loss of your dear mom.  You have found a good site

to come to and just post/read at will, and tell us whatever you wish to say. 

Everyone here understands the pain of losing a beloved child.  I hope that

you will come back.  Peace to you.

 

Houdiniwho---Paula-----I'm so sorry for your loss of your son.  Walking this

journey alone is so very harsh and difficult.  We all know the sorrow that

goes with the loss of a child/children, or other loved ones, and BI

(formerly called Beyond Indigo) is a good place to come and walk with others

who understand.

 

Susan----Thanks for the poem "Ask My Dad".  Such true words. I remember

when my dad had terminal cancer, and suffered a great deal, and he was like

the 'dad' in the poem.  He passed years ago, but said that he was "ready to go

when the Good Lord is ready to take me".  The poem would be equally as

fitting for "Ask My Mom",  I'm sure.

 

Mikesmom-----The 8 month mark is such a difficult and heart wrenching point

after the death of a child.  The initial numbness has worn off, and we are left

to deal with the harsh & sad reality.  Hang on, friend, and keep coming back

to BI.  Peace & comfort to you.

 

HAPPY  BELATED  HEAVENLY  BIRTHDAY,.........BROOKS.......ANGEL 

 

Wade----Thanks for the poems & the music.  So kind of you to give your wife

a Mothers Day gift from Brooks.  Near Mothers day, I looked & looked until I

found a lovely card that Davey had given me for the occaision . It was like

finding a treasure to me.  (I always saved all the cards he gave me, and he was

so faithful about special days).  He was going to the mall (the day he was killed),

to buy his dad a Fathers Day gift....which was the next day that year. Also, to

get fitted for his tux for his sister's wedding. 

 

Dee---I've been down in the dumps for awhile......angel day coming up & all.  I

was looking for something in one of our lock boxes, and found the police

report & very graphic pictures of the highway crash that killed Dave. I am the

only one who has ever seen these things, outside of law enforcement and

rescue EMTs.  Can't show to anyone else....too graphic.  Oh well.....I guess I will just try to

forget finding these items.....not easy at this time of year.....Memorial Day etc. I'm sure you know

just what I mean....along with everyone else here on BI.   Stirs up a lot of emotions,

for sure.  Are your indigo plants perennials?  I'm not familiar with them. Are they dark blue

or purple? Becky gave me a hanging basket of lavender verbenas for Mothers Day. They are so

pretty.  So nice for you to have that time with sweet little Erica. I laughed when you said

that she's now able to identify "birdy poo"......so funny & cute.    

 

Gretchen----Praying that the floods & danger are subsided by now.....Scary.

 

WISHING    PEACE    AND   COMFORT   TO   ALL  IN  THE INDIGO   FAMILY.

 

Davey&Lisasmom----Sherry 

 

 

 

[daveydow1]

Laurie-----Yes, I agree that many people will give their advice or opinions on

how someone who is on the grief road should (and should not be handling

the grief/sorrow).  

This is especially annoying when it is coming from someone who

has not lost their child or someone close to them. Their opinions come from

how they feel about it.  It would be good if they just said they were sorry and

let it go at that.  While a short reply might seem inadequate, it would be better

than how some folks seem to end up saying the wrong thing, and 'putting

their foot in their mouth'.

 

Kate----Good to see your post.  Last night & tonight there's danger of frost

here.......Brrrrr.   Is it like that up your way?

 

 

Sherry 

[Mermaid Tears]

Sherry...I don't know if I can ever...ever give back to you...the amazing consolation you have given to me....no....I don't think it is possible...

but... I can say...I am here...on this website...that you are here...and I am here...and I am here for you...ok?

[ericasmom]

Dang, I was writing to you All last night but alas, My pinky hit a key and you all disappeared and I was too zonked to write again. Now, in a hurry I just want to say, Sherry, being in the dumps a month before the anniversary is where we usually find ourselves. We are on half-light as we wade through the memories and the dreams of our Kids who we will always mourn, always miss, and always always love. Davey gets it, and we certainly do. It's funny when we suddenly get taken aback and then realize it is the calendar we have in our spirit, the built in dates that take our breath away. I will be where you are now in a month, looking to that date as well. We are soul-sisters on this walk of nearly 12 years. Finding that report had to slam your heart, and that you haven't shared it with anyone might compound that sense of weight on your shoulders. I know the graphic parts of it all, but those are the facts of our Child's moments that took them. Sadness, but they are not, they are wonderfully peacefully happy. Love you Sister.

 

Oh yes Sherry, the Indigo plant is perennial and we are zone 5. We have three beginning their blooms now, some deep blue and one a purple.

[ericasmom]

Retz, I am sorry that your Momma died, though am glad that she was a good friend and blessing to you. Please come  back and read and write whenever you like. We are here for you whenever you want. We are here for each other...and for you.

[daveydow1]

Dee------As you say...our dear children are happy & at peace where they are.

Yes,...the report & pictures from law enforcement are so very harsh and

graphic that I can't even tell anyone about them...let alone show them.  I'm

sure that you know just what I mean.

Our dear kids are at peace.....it is we, who are left behind, that must deal with all the pain.......

but we are glad that they are happy and at peace.  You are so right about that 'built-in calendar'.

It's in the heart and soul forevermore.  Thanks for your dear words, my friend.

 

Susan-----Thank you for your kind words.  Yes, we are all trudging along.....

trying to find our way in this new realm where we never wanted to be.

Sometimes it seems like just walking in quicksand.  Thank goodness for

this site, and all the wonderful people who share with their hearts.  Each

of us must, of course, walk along at our individual pace, but sharing the

sorrow here at BI  does lighten the load.  

 

 

PEACE  TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry 

[InHeavensKeeping]

Hi I had a phone call this week from the CID. (Criminal_Investigation_Department). I think I told you that I had complained to the IPCA (independent Police ComplInts authorities) about how we were treated following James's death.

They are coming out to see us next week and have already told me that there have been failings and mistakes in this case !! They are going to investigate and see if any lessons can be learned. The man I spoke to did feel there was cuprilbility on the drivers side for "careless driving". But to prove it in a court of law is another matter. I hope that this will be a chance to find out the truth about what happened. I'm sick with worry and very anxious I know some people around me think I should leave things be.

One lady at work said " it's racking things up again and I should move on ". Omg! No Idea! It's just so hard and hurts so much. I just feel like I have a very little bit of hope to find out more and put the record straight.

Time seems to be flying by eight and a half months ago James was here in our home in his room sleeping safety in his bed. I just don't want this to be true. I don't want time to move on.

I miss him. Georgina xxx❤️

[InHeavensKeeping]

Xx

[ericasmom]

Gretchen, I love your chickens, so colorful.

 

Kate, phew, you made it unscathed by that storm, so glad, those tulips stand as testament of your strength...of Jeff's love.

 

Georgina, goodness knows we all have folks that think that they know what will be best for us, often it is out of love and equally perhaps out of hoping to not have to think of our grief themselves. If we snap out of it so to say, then they will not be reminded each day of the ache inside of us. Oh well, as I have said here before, this will have to be their problem, we have plenty on our plates thank you. If those around you cannot handle that you are not letting go of your sadness, of your hopes for justice, this once again, is not  your problem, but theirs.

Long ago we all posted some of the Oh-No-You did not just say that...kinds of statements folks say to us in our grief. We could and should put a book together with these...as a service to those who never know what to say to folks like us, this book would remind them what not to say.

 

One woman said to me: "Do you think it was karma?"

Another said upon my telling her my Daughter died..."what a train wreck!"  then asked, "how did Erica die?"  I said, "well, a train wreck."

And a man I had once been in love with said this to me after running into each other at the farmer's market, apologizing for not being at the funeral or wake, " I couldn't be near your pain, it was too big and I couldn't handle it."

 

Just some crazy wacky things to say to someone in deep grief. Share your experiences Everyone...

[InHeavensKeeping]

Dee your so right about the book. I have a list as long as my arm of things that have been said. I know people don't mean to upset me and are trying to help. It just knocks me off balance A few members of staf have seen me then put their heads down and walk the other way. Just so hard. I'ts enough to deali with the massive hole in my heart and my life .

I was asked to go on a radio programme yesturday to talk about why we visit the site where James died every month The programme was about why people do and why some don't. I was going to do it but they only gave me an afternoons notice and I needed more time to get myself together oh well.

Take care Georgina xx

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Georgina,

 

I don't share alot about Jesse unless it is here or in a setting where I know whoever is going to hear our story is a "safe" person. I don't have much emotional energy and what little I do have, I reserve just to get through. I cannot afford to be wasting any efforts on those individuals who will only drain me more.  Some people are more fortunate that they have many empathetic people in their circle and how fortunate they are to have that kind of emotional support. 

 

Since we are still in trial, people do not understand we are still very much living in the shadow of that day. One of the top most stupid things said to me was from a woman at my church who thought that I now had a wonderful opportunity for sharing my faith to the idiot who killed my son. In the meantime, she has 6 alive children, and two of them have gotten married and are pregnant since Jesse passed. It is always easy to say what someone else should do when you are not walking that trail of tears. 

 

What has made me angry since is the many "expectations" placed on the bereaved. Once someone has heard the story, too many callously evaluate and reach a conclusion as to what they think You should be or should not be doing because "they know what they would do" (which is BS, they don't have a clue).  Last night, I read a woman's story about losing her two sons, some years apart, but the second son being in 2013. When the second son passed, she literally tried to tear her skin and hair off her body. That is how raw the pain is, how consuming. Most people have no idea, no idea, and sometimes to protect their own world, they shove you away. My supposed BFF did that. Once she knew how deep the pain was, she ran away. Told me to go back to my "own family" in a text. Which was so bad since my family took her in as a teenager when her "own family" left her on the streets, abandoned.

 

So, I spend most of my time only with quality people, and it does not bother me not to have many in my life. But that is just my experience. If you are fortunate to have a compassionate circle around you, that is so much better.

 

But that is why this "place" has been so important to me. To be able to connect with others who truly get it, has been a lifesaving grace.

 

Thanks to all who post here and/or read along...sending gentleness for the day.

[Mermaid Tears]

'if there is one...there is some'.....

    this is something written by someone else....

but they know my heart....

I can hear a song...watch a movie...and it is a 'this is when John David was here on this earth home'...or....he was 13 or 21 or 30.....

a clear and concise..line is drawn on the sand of 'before and after'...that is why time has another tick tock...I have a 'new normal' way of living and getting along on my grief journey....and now....those small...tiny....experiences are what enrich my life now....

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie....I have been thinking about your post from a week or so ago....when you stated you were becoming more withdrawn...that gave me 'pause'.....

    and I thought about my 'cocooning'....I think it is a normal reaction for us to withdraw...cocoon....slip away....contract....we are so overwhelmed....but then also have the everyday routines to tend to....our other children...and we need to be front and center for our loved ones...but not for anyone else.

   And there is where it gets foggy in interpretation...

Just how much and how far do we allow others to translate our 'new normal'....where do we draw the boundary lines to keep the careless...and callous people and their remarks from entering our work at becoming this 'new normal'....and the work we have to do to regain our balance ?

   we become exhausted...

worn out...

instead of walking....we limp...

We find we need to protect what sanity and sense we have left and we 'withdraw' to salvage what true and fine blessings we still have on this earth home. We 'withdraw' to maintain our ability to count those true and fine blessings.

We withdraw to find the rainbow in the rain...

we withdraw for we know it will be hard work to find what is left after our world has shattered into a million broken pieces.

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....I so remember you relating all the callous remarks people said to you...

 

one of Daniel's sisters told me....'he is in a much better place'....

 

and I answered..'really....would your son be in a better place than with you?'

 

she didn't answer...

[Everly]

Laurie, I really like what you wrote... especially this...

 

"So, I spend most of my time only with quality people, and it does not bother me not to have many in my life. But that is just my experience. If you are fortunate to have a compassionate circle around you, that is so much better"

 

My friends have decreased substantially since my Mom passed in October.  .. and it's been almost now 8mo and I am to the point of a hardened heart where I really do not care as I did in the beginning... trying desperately at 2mo (which is ridiculous) to win everyone's approval that my grief was founded in reason... trying to fit myself, twisting with posts of sadness, and desperately seeking approval... until I simply gave up.  Now almost 8mo later, I am obnoxious about saying it straight out "nope, won't make it, bad weekend, bad day, sorry".  Today I cancelled a dinner with my husband's family... didn't help that we had a small argument (which always sends me down another mountain I don't need), but I am much too tired and in too much pain to make nice... not happening anymore to this 52yo babe... me.

 

​I have accepted this is going to be a very painful process... on some days like today I cry so hard I do not know how my heart does not split in two...and I ache so much to call my Mom.  I have my brother and sister that I can reach out to, and one really good friend... thank gawd i have them.  My other 'friends' I thought were my friends.. how can you reach out to them when 2mo after my Mom passed I hear comments like "she was 80yo, how long did Karyn expect her Mom to live" and comments like "she had a good run".  Sickening.  Perhaps they just didn't love to the depths we do.  My father died suddenly when I was 5yo, leaving my Mom widowed at 34yo with 5 kids in 1968.  We also had a brother who committed suicide at 19yo... in 1976... my Mom was just 42 at that time.   Neither of those losses (I was just a kid for both) do not come close to the pain and despair I feel in losing my Mom... and only now do I ever ache so incredibly bad.. to ask her how she got through it all!!  Of course we talked always about my Dad and brother... we kept them alive, always.. but she never made it known how hard it must have been, and only now does my heart break for her in ways it never did... cause I never knew the depth of such despair... and how it must have really felt for her to lose my Dad and brother.  These are where my thoughts are today.  This is what I want to talk about to people... I want to talk about my Mom...  and her life, and her courage, and who she was... and there is a small percentage who can handle that 'real' life talk.

 

I never knew there was so much judgement in grieving... I am embarrassed to be part of a society that puts limits and expectations are such a personal and painful event.  .. however it has taught me an enormous amount of compassion for others...in a short 7.5mo.  I have a new audience in my life... the old stage has closed its drapes, shut down for good... the new stage has opened it drapes... and it's a whole new audience out there of people... and I can see the hearts beating with compassion... that is my new audience, and I am theirs.

 

​I am so glad to have found this board and everyone here who has the courage to talk about their pain... so thank you all for sharing your stories.  It is an incredibly sad day for me... Memorial Day weekend... the phone calls would have been all night and day and the shopping and stopping over, endless.  My life is so dull without my sweet Mama

Karyn
 

[InHeavensKeeping]

Laurie your so right in what you say and feel. I also don't have support around me. Only my daughters and husband. Even my close family don't bother any more and it hurts so much because I keep comparing over and over if the situation was reversed and what we would of been like too them.

A solicitor phoned today and I felt we at last had someone who was on our side and prepared to fight for us. She has to put the case to the partners in the firm, so they could decline, but she was passionate and also compassionate. She also said they are trying to get the law changed over here as too many drivers get away with killing people on our roads.

Susan one of my friends said to me " at least he's in peace now" I didn't say anything to her as it was only about a month after and I haven't spoken to her since. She has 7 children one of them was also called James and same age and they used to be best friends. She told my husband the other day he's expecting twins.

Xx

[tobyfreefoot]

laurie-idk the first time i named them all they all got eaten by a racoon. we had remus and romulus, ostrichman spike and a lot of others. they were friendly and liked to ride on my shoulder lol. so i try not to name them now but you just kinda do. we already named the hen we have left henny-naturally and the new striped ones bob 1 and 2 (we can't tell them apart yet) looks like maybe blondie and king-his comb already is outstanding and looks like a crown. they are so cute. it is fun to watch their colors develop.

 

i am feeling a little sad. one of forest's best friends is leaving to teach in china.  he has been a way for me to keep forest in my life.  he is also marshall's roommate and i worry about how that will effect marshall. he is having a going away party in okc tonight at a club so i rented him a hotel room so they won't have to drive back to norman.  he is going to get a private server so we will be able to stay in touch.

 

susan--oh i wish i would have had that come back on my tongue!! as many times as i have heard that. i know people mean well but maybe that would make them think of something else to say. just i am so sorry seems adequate to me

 

 

georgina--i have had people at my job quit looking at me and never speak to me again. i am guessing they just don't want to think about it happening to them so they just run away.

 

ah they thought we were just going to have heavy rain and flooding today because it has been very cool and tornadoes tend to be born from the warm and cold air clash. but there is a pretty large tornado on the ground right now on the southwest side of okc. looks like it is just an f2 but even that can cause some serious damage especially if you live in a trailer. . luckily oklahoma has a vast amount of open land that is very sparsely populated. i just got all the chickens in the henhouse. haven't checked the forecast for me yet. i do know once the rain starts there is going to be a deluge. poor moore looks like it could eventually be in the path. seems like scientists should be able to find the reason moore always gets hit.

 

love to all. off to take a bath and find my shoes lol.