Loss of an Adult Child

[Mermaid Tears]

Gretchen and Shannon...I have just closed the front door on 'company'....have read your posts....will have to absorb what you both wrote....and then will have words for you....Kate....I am still in some kind of 'outer' kind of feeling about what that friend did to you....will have to gather my thoughts....

 

but...am honored...so much so....that 'my friends' will allow me to be in their dark...dark...hours....

really....I am honored....I don't think I have another word to share to let you know how I feel when someone will allow me in to their dark...place....I have always called it...'when all the boogie men come out of the closet'....(for me)....

 

this day...marks the 3rd year that I was with my John David...him and me...me and him...I was thinking today...it doesn't matter if it was 3 days...3 weeks...3 months...3 years...I could not love him more...if I had 3 more seconds...

[ericasmom]

Whoa! Gretchen, really bad neighbors, and I am so sorry for that. I don't blame you for wanting to be at your Daughter's home. I do hope that someone sets these folks right. There is no way that this is okay. and an earthquake and tornado warning to boot. I think that perhaps those were caused by your holding in your rage! I am raging with you Sister.

 

Whoa! Shannon, what an awful thing that this man has done, what bad energy he is hoisting into his life but spreading his unhappy self onto you and the kids. What ugly ways some folks have. I am so sorry.

 

I am thinking of you all with love in my heart. I am awaiting a yes or a no as to if I can post the address to send letters to Trudi.

 

Peace-

[mikesmum]

My Indigo Family - Thank you all for your love and support, without I would not be able to face these next days.  Yes I stepped off my flight at LAX to be greeted by the ground crew from Qantas.  My beautiful daughter Melissa was on the phone.  She told me Steven had passed away.  The ground went from under me and my  heart stopped.  I was taken to a hotel while my return flight was arranged.  After the 8 hr layover I headed home.

 

Steven has struggled with his addiction most of his life.  He managed to beat it back for 10yrs, qualifying as a plumber, buying and renovating his home.  His children were the love of his life.  The relationship broke down and Steven slipped back.  The drug now, Crystal Meth.  As I planned to fly out, he told me he was going to make it.  Melissa was going to check on him while I was away. 

 

On Sunday night she went around to our house.  The lights in the house were on but she couldn't find Steven. He had taken himself to the garden shed.  She found him.

 

Its heartbreaking to know he felt he had no other option, more so to know Melissa found him.

 

Both Melissa and my brother Bill have experienced first hand the love and support of the Indigo Family.  For that I am forever grateful. 

 

My saving grace, Micheal is waiting for his baby brother. 

 

I didn't think my heart could still beat after losing Mike, how its still beating is beyond me.

 

I am staying in Healesville for the time being.  12 Rosella Crescent Healesville 3777 Victoria. Australia. 

 

The avatar is of Steven and Molly about 4 weeks ago.  She is Muttleys 'sister'.  Steven became very attached to her.  The other is a picture taken 13yrs ago, Steven had just become a dad to Zakery.

[ericasmom]

Trudi, you are a WONDER! It is so amazing of you to let us hear from you here, to see the photos of your Precious Sons, to know that you are out there finding each step you take. I will always have you in my heart  and will pray that  you and Melissa and the kids are given goodness and the blessings of your Angels.

[Jeff's Mom]

Trudi, nobody could have worded it more perfectly than Dee. You know that we are all here to offer our support and love. Thank you for letting us know.

 

Kate

[rlolheiser]

Trudi..

 

All I can say is hugs.. and send prayers for you and your daughter ..  We may not be there, but there are many hearts with you!

[Del]

First time on here,how can I talk to someone about my loss of my son on 4-4-15 ! Help

[Jeff's Mom]

Hi Del, I am so sorry for your loss. We do not have any particular agenda in talking on this site. We just post and find that others respond. You have found an understanding and supportive group of people here. Many times at the beginning it is far too painful to post and people just read. When you are able... if you can...please tell us about your son. There are other Dads on this site as well.

 

Kate

[daveydow1]

Hello  to  all   Indigos.....I am behind with posts, but have been trying to catch

up on reading.....(have been 'under the weather' for the past week, but improving).

 

Trudi----Dear Indigo sister......I am so very sorry to learn of your son, Steven's, death.

As others here at our site have expressed,  there seems to be no words that could

convey how devastated you are at this time, and how sorry everyone at Beyond Indigo

feels.  Sending prayers to you, in your time of great sorrow.

 

Gretchen----Oh, how very awful.....your situation with the terrible new neighbors

who are causing you so much stress and heartache.  They have no heart or soul

for the feelings of others......only themselves.  Hoping that there can be some

resolution to the problem, somehow.  I'm sorry that you are going through this

terrible aggravation & stress.  Peace to you.

 

Shannon-----Hoping that your situation with your house will come to an agreeable

end.  Sending prayers.

 

Dee-----getting warmer here...(finally!).    Our pussy willow tree had many catkins

on the branches this year....now have all gone to seed....but lovely while they lasted. I took

a branch to my mom in the nursing home, along with chocolates.  She said she was

so hungry for chocolate that she tore off the paper on the box of chocolates, and

began eating right away.....  .  I hope you were able to get a nice long rest on the

spring break from school.  Many of our tulips are popping up through the ground

now.....soon we'll have flowers, if the weather stays warmer.

 

WISHING   PEACE  AND  COMFORT  TO   ALL  INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

[daveydow1]

Del---I am sorry for your loss of your dear son.  This site can be a lifeline for

many who want to express their feelings of grief & loss of their beloved child.

At this site, there are no strict 'rules', really.   Many people who are new to the

site will just come and read the posts, and then....when they feel they want to....

may start posting.  I, along with Dee, have been on this site for going on to 12

years. When I first found the site,.....I just read the posts for quite a few months,

then gradually began to post.  You will find people on here that have are very

new to the grief journey, along with others who are anywhere along the timeline

of their loss.  We are all joined together in the hope of giving understanding

and support to all who find their way here.  I hope that you will come back to

this site.... (formerly called Beyond Indigo). Peace and comfort to you, friend. 

 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

[tobyfreefoot]

dear del

this site may have saved my life. these people were here for me when i had lost all sight of hope and places to turn.  we'd love to hear about your child when ever you feel like telling us.  we are also glad to listen to you rant rave scream and cry. we will get it like no one on the "outside" will.

[Mermaid Tears]

Trudi....we so appreciate hearing from you....for you have been first in our hearts, prayers and thoughts...since we heard of the passing of your Steven....many of us have just been paralyzed....for we walk, talk, sleep and eat with the 'fear'...of just what happened to you....that we face a day when another child of ours passes...

   all we have are 'words' to share on this site....but I do believe there is an invisible spirit that surpasses our understanding that binds us in our common ground of living with this kind of grief....and we come together to share and care...

   we all wish that we could put some magic in our words...and you will feel the empathy and receive some comfort from our hearts to yours.....your shattered heart. Peace to you and yours.

[Mermaid Tears]

Gretchen..and Shannon...I have to give you both an award for coming in 1st place for having a 'Bad Day at Black Rock'....

(that was a name of an old movie...and my Essie would call her bad days that)....

      and I do understand that kind of anger....for me....when I have that 'kind' of anger....I can physically feel 'zingers' throughout my whole body....but it only comes when there are absolutely above board 'bad' things going on....

I finally realized that is why people with a body and mind full of anger can have a heart attack....I now know it is the adrenalin pulsing through the body.....it is like your body is at full throttle fever pitch....

   and....all that was happening was horrific and so ....wrong....

Here in Texas....Property Lines are in a class of Sacred....all by themselves.....and the classes taught in Law School on Property Law and Property Lines...Lineage..Inheritance...are the toughest....even surpass Patent Law...

     arguments and squabbles about property lines...fences....etc. can cause people that have been good neighbors and friends for generations.....to become enemies.....

 

Shannon...and you are going through your own kind of 'hell on earth'.....you have been walking through one room of fire to another......of course you are numb....and....I am, too.

     Do you have legal council...? I am sure you do.

Do you have to move out of the house ? Do you have to sell the house now ?

Do you have Community Property Laws in your state ?

I take it the business was shut down? I so wanted to tell you to step in and run the business yourself when your husband fell out to his addiction....you should have had all legal rights to do so....

Also....if you have been making payments on that house...you should be entitled to Equity....

Or....was your step father in law owner of the house and you were making payments like 'rent money'....if that is the case...I don't know if the courts in your state would grant you any equity....money made from the sale.

[ericasmom]

Del, your Child died on my Child's birthday, her 31st birthday if she were still here...Erica died nearly 12 years ago, July of 2003. As Sherry said, she and I have been here a long long time, we stay because we feel it is part of our duty or mission in life, to help those newer to this tragic loss up and feeling like they have folks that get it. We get it, everyone that comes here gets what you are now facing, what you may deal with.

Like Kate said, there is no formal way to go about it, just post when you feel like sharing and read as you will see and recognize so many similar feelings as you are experiencing.

We are all individuals, but we share the loss of our Child, and in some cases here, Children.

Please share with us when you are able, let us know about your Child, about you and the family. We are here and we are holding your hand.

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Trudi,

I know everyone here is keeping you and your family in our hearts and prayers. You’ve been in my thoughts so much since I heard about your Steven. I know there are no words that can ease your hurt right now. 

[tobyfreefoot]

shannon--oh my gosh i feel like my problem pales in comparison to yours.  i absolutely don't do disappointment.  it is my biggest trigger to falling apart. forest didn't do it either and always had so much compassion for little kids who were disappointed.  i am so sadden to hear your news.     i thought that it was so courageous of you to move forward with your plan. to have it crushed out of what appears to be pure meanness is impossible to imagine.

 

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

deleted

[Sholl1955]

Trudi, I am so sorry !!   You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.   We are here for you.

 

Sandy

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....well ....that news is good...and if anyone needed some good news.....it is you....surely...his Mom and step dad know that you have no control over someone with an addiction problem...and all the over flow from his actions do end up in your lap....

   and you have his son....and another son....to raise up...every day....

and carry this dark and heavy grief.

     Across these miles...I do understand...I was in a situation similar to yours....years and years ago...(but I was not dealing with the loss of my daughter)....so I do understand what you are up against....back against the wall.

    I do think you are in a vulnerable situation....and can only hope that his degree of humanity will win out over greed.

[dAd]

Dear Trudi,

Along with other parents, our love, thoughts and prayers for the loss of your son. May you and your family receive grace and mercy during this time. 

 

[dAd]

Dear Del,

 

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your son; as a dad I also find very uplifting and helpful to read posting at this site, you can freely share your heart, pour your soul and feel accepted by this big family from all over the world. I certainly keep you in my thoughts and remember you in my prayers.

Please receive a big 'virtual' hug. 

 

dAd

[JD's Mom, Becky]

 

Hi Group,

Haven't been able to post, as I have been so sick lately. Shoulder is still painful, and now I have had a setback on doing therapy. Last week, I started with awful pain in my stomach, lower left, and my lower back. I mean the kind of pain that you can't find comfort in any position, up pacing the floor at night instead of sleeping. After two nights like that, I finally relented and let my husband take me to the hospital. 3 hours in the ER, blood drawn, and urine sample later, they decided I had a kidney infection, and sent me home with a prescription for horse-sized antibiotics and another medication that stuff that makes you pee orange, and 4 pain pills.... this was Easter weekend, so I cut those pain pills in half to try to stetch them through the weekend, as I was told to follow up with my primary care physician. By Tuesday morning I was now in agony and feeling sick stomach from the antibiotics, and called the primary and went in to see them, and they tell me the urine culture was now available, and that I did not have an infection! Appt. made for CT  on Wednesday... did that and then went back today for followup and they still had no idea....I mentioned that I had now noticed a rash while bathing this am, and they look at that and now determine I have shingles. Finally got a prescription for pain meds and some anti-viral med that had to be ordered, so I can't get that until tomorrow. 

 

This has been an awful week. the night I heard about Trudi's son, was one of those that I could not sleep for pain, and I cried nearly the rest of the night for her and her family. My dad is loosing weight and feeling just awful with his stage four cancer, inoperable at age 86 and because of his poor health, and doctors can't say for sure, but they're trying to keep him at home and comfortable as long as possible. My daughter, Jasmine takes me to all my appointments, as I can't drive yet, and also took me by to see my parents. I didn't stay long, as I felt so bad and didn't want to depress them further, as I feel just looking at me trying to walk and sit and move is depressing for anyone to watch. We all had a " I wish there was something I could do to help you" moment.

 

One night during all of this, I woke from a brief sleep to pain and intense sadness thinking about my Jared, and I got up and went over to his urn, and kissed the top, and because the weather is still very cool here, and his urn is in the corner of our living room next to a window,  it felt like ice under my lips, and I collapsed back into my recliner and had one of those shaking sobbing cries. The only thing I can say, into my fourth year without my son, is that there may be days between those breakdowns, but they still come.

 

I am so glad the newbies here have found this group, as it has meant so much to me. Trudi was one of those that reached out to me when I first joined here, only 2 months after my son was killed, and many many here have held me going through my walk of grief and quest for justice for my son. 

 

I try to read here everyday, but it is with great effort that I post, as I still can't type without many many mistakes. Just know you each are in my thoughts and prayers.

[wgreenlee]

Trudi...

 

I am so, so very sorry.  Addiction is so hard.  I will be saying daily prayers for you and Melissa and your whole family.  Colleen had mentioned that you guys were meeting in Henderson and wanted to know if it was close to me...about 450 miles.  I was thinking of driving down there, but now I am not sure.  I wanted to meet everyone, especially you, as Brooks took a vacation in Australia and had the time of his life.  Renea and I have been thinking of going there...possibly over Christmas.

 

Shannon...

 

I was so upset about your house troubles when I read the post yesterday.  I thought..."No, how could someone do that to you and the boys after all you've been through." I was heartened to read your post today, and am happy that it seems it will work out.  Good things still do happen.

 

Gretchen...

 

It is just not right what your neighbors are doing.  I have never had that situation with neighbors like that so I can only offer up prayers that they will see how awful they have been and will make it right.

 

Becky...

 

Prayers for continued healing and prayers that some comfort can be found for your dad.  Every time I go over to my friend, Rod, and we work in his garage with his car, I think of Jared.  We have decided to try and paint it ourselves.  You are my inspiration for that, even though it's not even my car.  I always think of the beautiful job you and your husband did with Jared's car.  I sure hope the new meds work.  How has Jasmine been doing?  She certainly is an amazing young lady.

 

Dee...

 

Almost done with spring break and then back to school to worry about all the testing days we have coming up.  My Twins are now going to play the White Sox in the Windy City this weekend.  I remember when Brooks, Renea, and I went to watch the Twins play Oakland in Oakland...just a four hour drive away.  We got there early to watch batting practice.  I got tickets for left field just so we might get a chance at catching a ball coming our way, and wouldn't you know it, but Brooks snagged a ball that just barely cleared the wall.  I thought he was going to fall right over it.  We never went to enough games...although he and Shauna sure saw a lot of Giants games in San Francisco.  I am going to see her tomorrow as she's coming down to Carson for some work thing.  We are still close, although she finally deleted Brooks from her relationship wall on FB.  That made me sad, but I understand.  I would love one day to go to Wrigley though.  I always watched the Cubs in college, as they always played on WGN.  Hope all went well with your evaluation and that spring is bringing out the best in your young students.

 

Del...

 

I am so very sorry to hear about your son.  I also lost my only child, Brooks, about a year and half ago...doesn't seem like that long ago...but I found this site and all the amazing people here who helped me through those first weeks and now these long months.  When you are ready to share I would love to hear about your boy.  I know of the enormous whole in your heart... and I found that sharing Brooks made it just a little smaller.

 

Just a side note...Chad, Brooks' best friend, texted me today that Brooks had visited him in his dreams.  He said that Brooks was bringing his kids back for something...he wasn't sure what...but that Brooks had a huge smile the whole time.  He looked happy and healthy and that his S10 pickup was even there across the street.  Chad has constantly kept in touch with me and I am so thankful for that.  Almost every day I get a message from one of Brooks' friends asking me how I'm doing and letting me in on what they're doing.  I don't feel so lonely then.  I am so very proud that my son meant enough to them that they continually keep his memory alive.

 

Peace to all, especially those of you going through more heartache...

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Wade, thank you so much for your prayers and well wishes, much appreciated! Jasmine is enrolled in beauty school full time, and is doing well, thank you! She has been so attentive to my needs during all the illnesses I have suffered through in the last two years, helping me bathe and dress and taking care of the house, and running errands, etc. She goes to the cemetary almost daily on her lunch hour, and spends time with her brother, talks freely to him about everything going on in her life. She still hurts so badly at loosing him, but manages to keep a positive attitude, most days, about her future. The only thing I can do is try to foster that in her, and try not to show the continued devastation I feel, and the helplessness I feel physically to combat my own doubts about my future. 

 

I am glad that you are helping your friend working on the car. Our project with Jared's mustang gave us such peace, as we knew how much he would have enjoyed seeing the restoration complete as he and my husband, Jerry had spent many hours planning on it. We hardly drive it, tucked safely in the garage, so afraid when we do drive that someone would open a door or something to damage it, and we would be crushed. I am so possessive of all things "Jared", it isn't even funny! 

 

Waiting for the special order of the meds for my most recent illness, but the pain pills did help me finally get some rest last night.

 

To all: I read almost everyday and pray for each that are going through added pain in different circumstances. I pray for peace and healing in all of our lives.

[Mermaid Tears]

the other day....I posted something about having family and friends walk away.....ignore...giving no support to parents that has lost a child....

so many on this site...and on the CF Facebook page comment on how betrayed they feel when close and dear family and friends seem to shun or shut them off....after experiencing this horrific kind of grief....

 

I posted what I think....I think the 'universe' will work in some way to remove those people from our lives...for if they stayed they may could do more harm....to our already fragile situation when dealing with this kind of grief....

 

I found this today and am going to share....it pretty well sums up what I was trying to describe.....

 

and why we should 'let them go'....and know it is for the best.....

(Kate...thinking of you)....

[Jeff's Mom]

AMEN, SUSAN! I could not agree more.

[TearsInHeaven]

Del,

I read your post about such a recent loss of your son.  I could feel and hear your anguish in your words.  Like everyone said there are those that have been on their journey for a while and others, like me that are relatively new.  Everyone here is supportive and understanding and there are many words of wisdom, even if it is just to reinforce  that every feeling you feel and every thought you think is okay. More than anything you need someone or multiple someones for you.

 

I see you are from Indiana.  I am also--- in Northwest Indiana. Pieces of my broken heart are reaching out and hoping for the strength you need.

[TearsInHeaven]

Susan-your image about people was right on the mark.  We have had several of Michael's friends check in with us either personally or on the phone.  They make us feel like they still care and he is in their thoughts.  Most of our friends----not so much.

[tobyfreefoot]

becky--yikes i am sorry for you having so so much.  logan had shingles when he was 10.  it was extremely painful.  he was out of school for a month.  he has really bad scarring down his neck.  when someone is rude enough to ask he tells them someone threw acid on him.  i hope they have better treatment now and you get feeling better soon.  all those high powered antibiotics can't have been good for you either!! i knew as i was reading about you kissing the urn what was coming next. i am only 3 months further down the path than you and i still have those overwhelming crushing sobbing grief moments too. sometimes it is good to know i can still feel the love that strongly, and i do know now that it probably won't kill either of us but for so long i wasn't sure at all.  i love you my comrade of the heart.  it has always helped me to know you are out there struggling along about the same pace i am and i feel a special thing for your son  i guess because we have walked together.  i also have mounds of health issues but have to keep grinding away as i don't know how to quit my job without health insurance in a time when everything on me is disintegrating. hang in there i'll be sending healing vibes!

 

susan--ha! perfect! maybe should flat out run from them!

 

wade--forest's friends stay in touch with me a lot too, mostly through facebook.  it is a great comfort to know they are still thinking of my son too.

 

kate--i guess i never even thought about canadian toronados!  it just doesn't come into my mind's eye because it is always that hot humid still green sky in oklahoma that tips us off and all i think of for canada is cold with  a short growing season.  i don't really know anything about canada obviously!! what province do you live in?  i should be more up on my geography than this. i guess i glossed over canada as the colder northern sister of the us. lol

 

dee--i am so sorry i was so wound up in my fuming madness i missed eri's bday. when i just read this-because that Girl, my little Girl is shining on us all tears just started pour down my cheeks.  because i always see her as that taking on the new world teen the words my little girl just broke my heart.  thanks for all you do for us and i'm so glad your baby sent you a pink moon. she and forest are about the same age now. i wish you could have had her the extra years i had forest.

 

i stopped and put some pink tiny flowers and pink poppies at the roadside memorial a half mile down the road today where a 26 year old mother of 2 lost her life in a car crash.  i didn't know her or the young woman who lost control on the curve and hit her.  they are from the towns on either side of me but i try to put something there occasionally because i know how her mother and children feel when they see someone stopped and to remember her and think of them. when i get a chance to get to forest and ashlie's roadside memorial in texas there is always something that has been added by total strangers i am assuming and i always feel so touched by their gesture. it makes me feel connected to the whole network of grieving parents and love and compassion of the people that make the world a place worth staying in.

[tobyfreefoot]

oh my ashlie's dad just posted this 10 sec clip of her and my middle son logan.  i'm not sure who is filming it but look at her pretty smile and cute giggle oh oh ...

https://www.dropbox.com/s/lpvc6gasmdsoa8y/2013-04-01%2001.08.03-1.mov?dl=0

[Mermaid Tears]

Becky our Warrior Mom....I, too, hope you will find some spot of healing with now the new added shingles...on top of all your other health issues....

    Gretchen....you have many health issues, too....and when I came on this site....Becky was waging a full frontal attack on the justice system to find justice for Jared's death.....it was complex and complicated...and it seems that the final blow was the woman got off scott free....and now is after her daughter....

    with all of Becky's postings....it seemed she got weaker and sicker....the grief was wearing her down....and the justice system gave her a shot of injustice...that her immune system just could not handle...

     This kind of grief can wound your emotional, mental and physical body and spirit....

That is why many will say to 'self care'....and that can only be something that the parent can do....but shine a light in every corner to find what will give you comfort and peace....

    Time is a healer....but time is also a teacher..and we have to teach ourselves about our healing...

what works for me....will not work for someone else....

   I think many have health issues and when this kind of grief happens...those issues gallop fast...

 

Gretchen....so like you to put the flowers there....I see the crosses on the roadside now...and I now know 'the why' the parents put them there....and care for the sites for years. I think there are many good Samaritans out there...and they will give honor and remembrance to the two amazing children that grew their wings on that site. If I am ever around those parts of Texas....I will go, too. I think it so kind of that Deputy to keep watch over the site...protecting it. He must know there is a Mama that can't be there to do it and he is standing in your stead.

[daveydow1]

HAPPY   BELATED   BIRTHDAY......DEAR   SWEET  ERI.

Smile  down on your mama and family, and warm their hearts as you 

fly high on many pink clouds, and sing with the angels.

 

 

Dee---Sorry that I missed Eri's birthday Apr. 4.  

 

 

 

Susan----Thanks for the screen shot.....it is so true.  We all know that there

are those, (sometimes even close relatives or friends),  who will become so

distant after we suffer the loss of a beloved child.  We should just let them

go,.....not run after what hurts us.  

 

Becky----So sorry to hear that you have shingles, and that you had to suffer

through other misdiagnosis until they finally got it right.  Wishing

you prayers & comfort, and also for your dear father.

 

Continuing to send prayers up for Trudi and her family.

 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Just wanted to stop in and say thank you for the support on my latest drama. I deleted my posts and I'm trying to send out nothing but positive energy. I so want things to work out. I've been so anxious and down and teary today. No reason except the aftershock of all of this and I miss my Girl so much. My mind has been so flooded with memories. Maybe the changing seasons or getting closer to June. I do remember things started getting tough around April last year. Do you all ever have that urge to just get in the car and go, leave everything sitting just where it is and go? I know it's probably the anxiety but I so have that urge sometimes. It was intense and often in that first year. I wouldn't obviously do it. I do let myself entertain the thought sometimes before I let reality creep back in though. Today was on of those days. Sometimes I feel like the most self absorbed person in the Universe but it seems like there is always something thrown at me. I can't wait to get through the rest of these things I have to get through and be able to start creating a simpler life.

 

Becky, 

I'm sending prayers and wishes for continued healing for you. 

 

Gretchen,

I think it was so nice for you to place those flowers. This grief does I think make us so aware of the hurts of others. More love, kindness, and compassion is so needed. 

 

Del, 

Welcome to this 'place'. I can only echo what the others have said. Come, read, post, and know that you are being heard by people who get it and will reach out with compassion. I'm so so sorry for the loss of your Son. 

 

Candles tonight for all of our Angels... 

[flocicero]

Hi everyone, I haven't been here for some time but I have been reading. Life has been very busy lately which is good. We finally put our Wisconsin house on the market this week & we have 10 showings scheduled. I do need to sell it but I'm very sad about it; so many memories of my Michael there- I feel him everywhere in that house.

Tomorrow will be exactly 28 weeks since I lost my precious son; I'm still counting weeks....I write to him every night...I'm on my second journal...

Have been having a hard time lately......I don't know why I keep thinking of him laying in his casket...I wish I would have spent more time holding him....why is it that I still am having a hard time believing this .....

My father was placed in memory care last week...sad to see him like this....just seems like things are changing so fast.....

Peace to all

[Mermaid Tears]

Mike's Mom....I hope the sale of the house will go with a smooth sale and move....

 Essie...my Grama....always told me that change was the only thing we can count on happening...

      We understand how any change...however small can rock our world when we are in this kind of grief....

as our emotions....our thoughts will be wild and scattered....so please know that is normal....I could not hold on to a train of thought for a nano second...

 

 

Shannon....I do not think you would have survived all that you have if you did not have a rising star in your DNA....and I am a believer in positive thinking....very much so....it is a good practice to hold on to....

 

the urgency...the desire to take flight is a good thing....I think for me....my mind was so tired of running in place...and my imagination needed something to catch on to....and fly....

    I remember reading 'The Drifters' by Michener....and it lit a fire to travel....go away....be somewhere else....be a vagabond..

   but I am too responsible....I could never leave my children and just 'go'....but after losing John David....I would let my mind go and have a fantasy trip of what I would do....just 'me and me'....

[JD99501]

Updated my profile from three years ago to current standard.

 

Here is a comic strip I made hopefully it sheds some light for you.

[wgreenlee]

Shannon...

 

I did just what you said about getting in the car, but I just drove around and around and around town until I finally drove over to our three previous homes.  I stopped at each one and wanted to go in and ask if I could just go into Brooks' old room and get a little piece of him back.  Then I drove over to a few of his friends' houses and sat outside and wondered about all the times he was there and the memories he made.  Finally drove over to visit him and Jessica and Zandra, very close friends of his, were there too.  They visit him every week and are so awesome.  Funny, they said they were just thinking about me and all the times we visit, but never at the same time.  They were listening to music and dancing with him.  I wanted to stay so bad, and feel that spirit, but I just couldn't.  I couldn't stay and sit with my own son...  I think you are right about the seasons...life is flourishing, and I want to be a part of it, but it is so hard and I am so weary of it all.

 

I do hope your plans come true.  I want that so much for you...something good to happen...

 

JD...

 

Read your profile again and saw the new entry.  It seems like many here are also not feeling the "spring awakening."  I have to figure out how to get your comic on my iPad.  I think the cover sums it up.  This whole journey is "surreal."

 

"Keep your head up" I say,(why don't you hold it up for me I am bit tired) - You and me, both!

 

Susan...

 

I would have loved to meet Essie.  "I could not hold on to a train of thought for a nano second..."  When I left Brooks I know I gave Zandra a hug, but couldn't remember if I had given Jessica one.  It was about one minute later... I thought maybe I should go back and make sure...  Here I just left my son's grave and I thought I should go back and make sure I had hugged both people... I need a dang psychiatrist with a big old couch...

 

Francesca...

 

"Have been having a hard time lately......I don't know why I keep thinking of him laying in his casket...I wish I would have spent more time holding him....why is it that I still am having a hard time believing this ...."

 

I am a year and a half on this journey and I have those same thoughts every day.  Every day I visit Brooks I try to pierce the soil with my gaze and see him lying peacefully in his casket.  Hat on his head...arms folded...favorite shirt...tie...pants...baseball glove...bat...ball...baseball hat...bottle of liquor that his friends gave him...hope God was ok with that...  I remember it vividly.  I was the first one at the viewing and had to take pictures on my phone as I approached him, one step at a time, like it wasn't real and I was simply playing a part in a movie.  Didn't know if my legs would hold me up.  Now, I am glad I have those pictures, although they are so hard to look at and comprehend what I'm really seeing.  At the end of the second day of viewing after everyone had left, Renea and I asked to be left alone with him for a while.  It is easily the most singular moment in my life.  We were saying goodbye one last time to our only child and needed to make sure we had that final memory...hug...kiss.  I remember putting all his things in with him, and then finally his bat, which had been holding up his casket lid.  I laid it so carefully beside him and we gave him one more kiss and shut the lid...  He was surrounded by all the love we could give him...the casket I made with all my love...the memories of all the times spent playing ball...pictures of us that will forever be in our thoughts...mementos from his friends that I hope will help them grieve.  When we went out the door all our family and friends were waiting and they knew what that meant to us...they knew.

 

It is ok to have those feelings...it is natural...a part of our memory that will never be erased.  In fact, I don't ever want to forget that moment no matter how hard it is to relive it.  I still truly can't fathom the life I now lead, and I thought with so much bravado that I would be ok.  I am not, and that is ok.  I am what I am now...no more and no less.  I am a grieving father and every day I wish I could understand why this is happening...why this happened to all of us.  All I really know is that we are all on the same journey, and we can hold each other's hands across the miles, and provide comfort and solace when each of us is in need...virtual hugs of love and understanding...and prayers and hopes that tomorrow will be better than today.

 

Gretchen...

 

Thank you so much for that video.  It was so needed today.  It might have been only ten seconds, but it showed so much.

 

Dianne...

 

I am glad that Michael's friends stay in touch.  Says so much about your boy too.  People say that young people today are selfish, etc. but my son's friends have had more than their fair share of heartache and loss, and they rally around the family and each other every time.  It is good to see and gives me hope.

 

Dee...

 

One of my students sent me a photo of pink cherry blossoms on their 8th grade trip to Washington, DC, and I thought of Eri.

 

______________

 

I think I can now sleep.  I am tired from grief today.  I love you, my precious son!  Thank you all for being here, because I can't do this alone.

 

I cried aloud into the night as I sat before the grave

Seeking holy answers for the son I could not save

 

Asking the Lord to light the way

Keeping my journey from going astray

 

I told him of my burdens and the sadness in my heart

I’d never felt so alone or so very far apart

 

Why did you take my child, Lord? I just can’t understand

No longer can I touch his face or hold his precious hand

 

I'm angry, God, missing him and drowning in my sorrow

Please help me heal my yesterday and face each new tomorrow

 

It was then I heard his voice and felt a presence near

How I wanted to hold him as I shed another tear

 

Dad, I'm safe now and my spirit is flying free

I'm singing in Heaven’s choir, so please don't cry for me

 

I was chosen by the Father above, and now I'm in His care

When you need me, look inside your heart, I promise to be there

 

No one can take away our bond with one another

For I will always be your precious child, as you will be my father

 

So if you can’t find your way, or the road to home seems so very far

Just look to the twinkling night and I will be your guiding star

 

 

 

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Thank you all that have prayed and sent those positive vibes to me during this time. I am still in a lot of pain, hurts more to sit or trying to recline, but with the pain meds I did get a few hours sleep last night, and today I am determined to get outside. It's supposed to be in the 70's!

 

Surreal, I loved the comic strip, so very true. 

 

Susan, you are quite right about the decline in my health after battling for so long and so hard to find justice and not getting any. I know that played a role, cause up til then I had never prayed so hard and continuously in my life. All I wanted was the truth, and for them to act on it, and when they didn't, it was only two months later that I started loosing feeling in my legs and fell and broke my ankle, then ended up in ICU with my diabetes,a life threatening disorder called pancreitis,  which left me with no strength whatsoever, stumbling when I walked, struggle to keep my blood sugars in check, and then tearing not one but both rotators, with the left being much worse and requiring surgery, and now this. I feel like that damned woman is literally taking years off of my life. Then for her to exaggerate and accuse my daughter of assaulting her and stalking her, when exactly the opposite is true it's beyond comprehension. When you refer to me as "warrior mom" it makes me want to rise to the occasion and be that strong person again, and hoping and trying so hard to get there. 

 

Gretchen, I have always thought that Forrest and my Jared (J.D.) must surely be angel friends, as Jared was an avid gamer, and as many here that have been able to relate to and take comfort from, I do believe our angels brought us all together and are happy that we can help each other.

 

Dee, how are you? I saw Trudi's post and a few on her FB page where she says she takes great comfort in the relationships forged here and on the reunion page. I pray for God to bless and comfort her and Melissa everyday.

 

Sherry, Laurie, Wade, Shannon and others that share in the type of loss that I have in it's suddenness and preventable nature, I think of you often and pray for peace in our lives. 

 

Take care, all, and much love,

[tobyfreefoot]

surreal--the comic is perfect.  my partner today told me since forest died i stiffen up when he tries to comfort me.  i noticed this myself at christmas when i shed a tear over a baby photo of forest and my mom tried to hold me.  about 4 to 5 seconds seems to be the max and then i wanted to be released. i don't know what that is but my old man has always been so good at comforting me and now i don't seem to be able to let him.  it i think is because i feel so isolated and different. i guess that is why i'm on this forum because you guys know and i can get more comfort here than from those that don't.  i'm just not the same person at all. i feel untouchable.  like i said your comic was perfect.

 

i did get outside today and bobby and i worked on all kinds of stuff and the yard is shaping up.

 

wade--the pics were awesome. i just found out in the video of ashlie that was the first time she had seen snow!!! she was from las vegas which is where they were headed when they died. btw  i lie on my son's grave and try to picture him there too. it is the closest i can get ya know?

 

becky--i didn't know you had pancreitis!! you have been through so much!! how are your shingles? i am glad they aren't on your face because they can cause blindness.

 

love to all

 

trudi--thinking of you. hoping---i don't know what i'm hoping just know we all have you in our hearts

 

my favorite van gogh's

 

marshall and i at the chalk art showand our art

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

The comic strip for me stood out today...it was the after wedding potluck for my "former" friend son's wedding...too hard to go, didn't want to pretend for everyone elses sake...

 

Prayers and gentle wishes for us all....

 

One of my favorite artists, Monet

[InHeavensKeeping]

Hi , there has been so much on here that I wanted to reply to and haven't. I can't at the moment and I feel so selfish at times because of this. I just can't think at the moment I've been writing the background statement to read in court on Tuesday. At first I couldn't do it as my mind was numb and I just didn't know where to start. It felt massive as I wanted to tell James's story and only allowed two A4 sides of paper. This got in the way as I felt how could I say all the wonderful things about James on just two sides if A4.

I'm so very scared I already know in my heart we've got a battle on to get some justice. Our Solicitor even told us this much. I've done all I can to make this happen but in all the research I've done Very Rarely can they prove, or do they prove, that the driver was careless and or dangerous.

I really care about you all and thank you for keeping me going on this grief journey with hope and compassion without which I truly know I would of given up by now.

Much love to you all God Bless Georgina ❤️

James and his sister just before he was killed

[Mermaid Tears]

[tobyfreefoot]

georgina--i am sorry you are having to go through this.  i think i mentioned i did not have to deal with this issue but have seen others go through so much stress and turmoil during court. i love both your photos you posted. beautiful smile on your boy.

[TearsInHeaven]

Georgina-- I wish that you receive the response you so longing look for in the courts.

 

I came across this snippet of a poem and thought I would share with all of you.

 

 It's true what they say, when a child is born,

a mother's heart is no longer her own,
It runs and skips and giggles and grins, 
And crawls in her lap, for a kiss on the chin,
But where goes her heart, when that child is gone,
Is it true what they say, that life goes on. 

Without a doubt that pertains to fathers as well.

[ericasmom]

Georgina, holding your hand and heart as you face all that the court system is...and is not.

 

Love the photos.

 

Wade, love your photos as well. Goodness knows he is singing with the others and playing his music.

 

Gretchen, love your photos too, the smile on you and Son are so uplifting. That smile has got to be making Forest grin like crazy. Love the chalk art too.

 

Ted, love the comic as well, it speaks volumes as to how we often feel.

 

Becky, so good to see you are doing better enough to write as you did. You have really been through it my dear. Now it is time to recover as best you can.

 

Someone was saying last week that it is hard to see all these folks out and about in their whole families, not broken...we don't know that though, really when we meet up with folks and find out what they too are carrying, we realize that everyone has issues and loss in their lives. Ours is the deepest of loss, but seeing families that appear to be intact, may not be, they simply may be like us, living life as best we can.

 

Love to you all. Babysat for 12 hours yesterday, pooped, three today. Now must grade papers. the kids made me laugh outloud on several occasions...so funny, so heartwarming.

[InHeavensKeeping]

Hi I just wanted to say thank you for your kind thoughts and wishes. I'm as ready as I'll ever be all the paper work we've been given is filed and ready for court. I'm so anxious and scared just want justice for my precious child.

Susan I have had all the statements in the top of the Requests post to me. Just so true.

Thank you Gretchen that's one of my favourite pictures that was James just smiling and happy all the time. I miss him

Dianne I love the poem thank you for your support.

Dee I think it ŵas me saying about the families together when I was on the beach I think Teds comic strip hit it right on the nail. Thank you Dee for your words of support

Going to try and rest now

Much love to you all Georgina xx

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....was beginning to 'wonder' about you....my heart smiles that you were busy with those GRANDbabies....

  I, too, have had lots on my plate....business wise....

 

Laurie....I skipped a family wedding....Daniel's cousin's daughter was getting married...and I do love the family...but...I would have had to get behind myself and push hard to go....my instincts were to stay home....and I follow my instincts now....more than ever....when it comes to social affairs...Daniel went...so we were represented.

 

Gretchen....good to see a big smile....and doing something fun with your Marshall....life is for the living...and as for our other children...I think it is so important for us to show the way....lead them...leave a footprint...in how to live beyond tragedy with as much style and grace as we can muster....there are days when I can't muster much...I will honestly say...but I try.

 

Georgina.....I think we can sit around and try to second guess every step on this grief journey...but all we do is give ourselves another layer of sorrow....the way I see you in this...is simply know in your heart that you have done everything that is humanly possible for your boy....and when we have done our best....that is when it can come to rest and put in the book of your life. You have certainly left no stone unturned. Please give yourself a pat on the back...and get some rest and be very good and kind to yourself.

[flocicero]

Wade, I cried so hard after reading your post; the poem is beautiful as are the pictures of your son Brooks......my Michael always kept a picture of him & I by his bedside.....he even took it with him when he was in rehab a few years ago..... I made sure I put that picture in his arms....I have a copy by my bedside & another in his room.....

I miss him with every breath I take....

[ericasmom]

Busy is right Susan, plus had to do a great deal of paperwork for my summative assessment recently. All of that after hearing the saddest news from Trudi, so I guess I am in a bit of a fog. The kids however, pulled me into the moment. Oh 12 hours is not easy, husband was with us for most of that time, but still, the body doesn't bend like it used to. Such wonderful children, those Grandies. I giggle sometimes in the midst of grading papers or watching television when I think of the funny things they each do. How nice to have one's heart captured by Children. We took the kids to the Brookfield Zoo on Saturday, and to see Erica run ahead of us and look through the fencing to see what might be there was pure delight. Little Man is pretty chill about most things...until he becomes hungry that is. I am putting this old girl into bed for work comes early...I hope you all have dream visits.

[Mermaid Tears]

I cried aloud into the night as I sat before the grave

Seeking holy answers for the son I could not save

 

this came from you, Wade....it touched me and still rests with me....

 

Surreal....I read your new profile...and I have a new understanding of 'you and your SONshine boy'...

 

I am tired...and will post later....I just wanted both of you to know how very moved I feel after the reading...I would like to copy that poem, Wade....if it is ok with you....I think it speaks volumes...and also the silent...the 'comic' also spoke to me...more later....