Loss of an Adult Child

[Everly]

thank you Susan for the explanation of the 'shock suit'... it reminds me a little of when I went back to work after my Mom passed.  She was my entire life... and everyone I worked with knew it.  We had such a joyous life together.  I am 52yo.. my Mom was 80, and we had the sweetest relationship... she was my best friend.  How was I going to go back to work after she died so suddenly, and face everyone and face my own pain... it was a horrible thought.  I took a month off after she passed, but as we know a month is nothing when it comes to grief.  When I returned to work, I changed trains to the city, I changed my route from the train to work, I avoided every thing that was familiar.  I despised anyone who asked me about my Mom.  I was so mad at the world and in so much pain I couldn't face anyone or barely anything.  People at work knew not to approach me, thankfully that were very sensitive to the issue, and almost noone brought up my Mom except for a "I'm sorry" which was fine, but there was not one person who approached me with the expectation to 'talk' that was not happening and they knew it.

 

It took me 4mo before I could take the same bus to work from the train, with people I knew.  It took me 4mo to talk to anyone on the train again. I guess I had that shock suit on pretty tight... and it's still tight on most days...I do not let alot of people into my grief world... I've learned most don't understand and I'm okay with that... I can grieve my Mommy alone and she would understand and that's all I need.

 

So thank you for your explanation... I like it alot.. I'm going to carry my shock suit with me now every day.  

 

So grateful for this board, and letting me share my grief.. there is definitely comfort here.  Hugs.

[Mermaid Tears]

Retz62...I am very possessive..of my grief....there is that with me...and I have posted this many times..

and that is ok...to have your own grief....

[Jeff's Mom]

In Canada passive euthanasia is legal at this time. Deliberate assisted suicide is considered murder. It may take the form of withholding water and food. That is what they did to my MIL. That is finally what it took for her to die. Two months laying in a hospital bed drugged to the hilt full of cancer. Finally they helped her to cross over...by starving her to death. I believe in mercy for those in this type of pain...when all hope for any recovery is gone. I do not want to see my husband suffer in the same way that she did, nor that of his other family...all due to cancer. A shock suit will not comfort me at this point. I have seen and heard the pleading of those that beg to die. I will do everything that is possible to make sure that my husband does not have the same ending. He was an angel of mercy the doctor that went from room to room constantly changing and upping the pain meds. How difficult a job is that. What devotion and caring he showed.  What a way to live is this? Waiting for the shoe to drop. Knowing it is coming. That is why living each day to the fullest is so important. Not missing a moment given to enjoy what you can. We put our pets down when they are at the end to relieve their suffering. Why not our loved ones allowed to slip away in peace.? And so thank God that the Supreme Court ruled in February of this year that doctor assisted suicide is now going to become legal in our country.

 

I feel I am suffering from a form of PTSD from witnessing such horrible and traumatizing deaths. Feeling completely helpless in offering any form of comfort. Now thank God I feel as if I will have some part in following through with my husband's wishes when the time comes. Until that time...we are making the best of each day given.  

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Sorry not to have posted in a while, but felt the need to "cocoon" with the recent added hurt of losing my dad. He was only in the hospice hospital for three days when he passed, and most of that time was drugged to relieve any pain, and no food or IV was given. I was glad he didn't last long under those circumstances, as I had a real hard time accepting that he was laying there with no sustenance, as well as he always liked to eat. Just seemed cruel, and I would have to agree, Kate, that this kind of suffering should not be allowed to go on and on, and there should be a kinder end.

 

My health continues to be an issue, as I had to stop physical therapy for my shoulder while recovering from shingles, as it is highly contagious and I did not want to be responsible for infecting someone else. I go back to the surgeon that did my shoulder surgery next Monday, and hopefully I will be able to resume therapy, as my shoulder is so stiff and sore it is nearly unbearable.

 

I have had several really sad days where I have cried and cried, telling my Jared how sorry I was that I couldn't have done something to have protected him, and how sorry I was that he didn't get to live his life here as I knew he would have seen so many accomplishments. I can only guess that these feelings have been stifled, in my long and arduous pursuit for justice. I sought for two years for the woman that killed my son to be held accountable, and all it produced was a serious decline in my health, and to cause that evil being to direct her wickedness against my daughter, harrassing her every chance she gets. Hopefully we will be able to begin to address that issue in court in July. It just seems neverending.

 

I am taking nerve medication for my diabetic neuropathy, and though the pain of it is somewhat reduced, I still don't have good control when walking or doing anything involving use of my hands. I am so far from the energetic active person I was before.... if I manage to get in and out of the shower without falling, and maybe do a load of laundry, it is considered a good day. 

 

Sorry to see so many new names with new angels represented here. 

 

Love to all,

[daveydow1]

Becky---Good to see your post.  It is so understandable that you had the need

to 'cocoon' after your dear father's death.  I did the same when my dad died in

1994.  It takes a lot of crying and pain....as we all know....when someone so

close passes.  Sorry to hear about your having shingles....I've never had them,

but have heard they can be dreadful.  I, so, hope that you will be feeling better

soon.  Take care, friend.......mom of Jared....an angel in heaven.

 

Laurie---Thanks for posting the info about grief.  One needs to 'touch base' 

with these points from time to time.....just to let us know we are not going

'crazy'.  

 

 

WISHING   PEACE   &   CALMNESS   TO  ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

[ericasmom]

Oh Becky, shingles on top of all of your woe. Goodness knows ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! Okay, I screamed that so I am thinking some of the crap can stop now, particularly your feeling poorly and then getting that woman off of your Daughter's case. How is your daughter doing?

 

Sherry, our garden is a bevy of siberian iris of several purple hues and the bright whites too. We have lovely lavendar allium and the black lace trees are in bloom now, the tiny pink sprays are opening. So so pretty. Our Indigo plants, we have 5 or 6 not 3 like I thought, are blooming now too, so more purples abound. I love it!

 

My mom-in-law got out of the rehab after two months between there and hospital, and finally went home yesterday, only to fall and get taken by ambulance back to the hospital. It may be that after this stint, she needs to be in a nursing home rather than a senior living apartment. She feels so defeated.

 

Kate and All, I totally agree with you on the gentler side of dying, the dying with dignity, I hate that folks have to suffer for so long when the end is what they desire...In addition to that, we need to find ways for affordable nursing homes that are not hell-holes.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Mary Ann, good to see your post. The remembrance ceremony for your Stephen sounds fitting. I understand your thoughts about the funeral. I don't remember hardly anything...

 

Retz62, I think having to alter our common routine is something many bereaved do. I had to do that myself and still do...

 

Eileen, thinking of you today....

 

Sherry, I thought the post spoke well to myself....it reminded me that many of my emotions are normal for this journey...We are downsizing our garden this year. But I am thinking of at least putting in potatoes...

 

Gretchen, what a great picture of Forest...I agree with Susan, it definitely captures his energy....I have been thinking about you as I have seen so many pictures of the flooding in your area and in Texas...I am sure that is not helping either of your anxiety feelings...

 

Becky, I am sorry you are in such a struggle with your health...sending you gentle healing thoughts today....

 

Diane, thinking of you as you reach this marker time.

 

Kate, I have heard that doctors often up the medication (especially morphine) as the end approaches...actually a doctor told me that...when someone is coming to the end of their days...I do believe that as much as possible that person should be allowed to transition in the manner they choose...to uphold their dignity...

 

My personal belief is that the Creator/Source/Loving Light being outside of time, does not view these matters as we, who are locked in time do...it is a matter of prayer and meditation between a person's heart and the Divine....Sending prayers and hugs your way...

 

Dee, when are your kids getting out of school? I had two K-4 graduations for my grandaughter Jennifer to attend over the last two days...she was not in the best of moods, kids...The grade school principal today looked at the group of graduating K-4s and said how much he appreciated the teachers and helpers...commented that working with that age group is like "Herding Cats"...

 

*****************************************************

Susan, We found out early Thursday morning the next course of action for the trial...the girl's attorney failed in his attempts to throw our case out...it has now been looked at by two different judges and agreed there is enough evidence to move forward...there will be a small hearing in June...and then in September will be a full two day trial with a full 12 person jury. I thought of how last year September she was running around, trying to pick up men on Facebook (which proved to be one of our leads).

[InHeavensKeeping]

Hi I had more bad news regarding our case. This firm of Solictors told us that even though the driver is definitely responsible there is not enough evidence to win a prosecution she said they would have to prove without doubt that if the driver applied his breaks when he saw James would it of made a difference. Would he still of killed him.

Laurie I look at all you say about your case and I just don't know what to do. It doesn't make sense. We're told the driver is culprible but they can't win a prosecution

Sorry to go on I just feel so desperate. I want the truth and justice that's all nothing financial just justice. Oh God just so hard

It's making me ill all the stress and worry so I understand what your going through Becky. I had my surgery to the lump in my eye yesturday my blood pressure was 195/105. They were very concerned and said too much stress can cause this and a stroke or heart attack.

I hope and pray for you all to find some peace much love Georgina x

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

I wanted to stop in and say hello. I've missed posting and reading here over the past few weeks. We have been so busy with the move. I see some new names and that always makes my heart heavy. I am glad you are here though. This place and the people here have been a like a light in the darkness for me. I will hopefully have some time to read more soon. I am posting this from my phone. I have a little service if I sit by my bedroom window. My internet won't be turned on until Tuesday so please excuse the lack of paragraphs and any typos. I was in such a dark time for a while. The thing with the house I think opened a flood gate and everything that I had been holding back for so long, trying to stay strong, came flooding to the surface. I was so angry at everyone including myself... mostly myself for being in the situation I was. I was having a hard time finding a place for us to live. The housing here was all too much or student housing. On the way back from one fruitless trip I just prayed the whole way home. I asked for some one who needed us as much as we needed them. Maybe someone too busy to take care of their property. I just felt like there had to be something for us out there. I looked at a bright yellow house and almost took it. There was no yard at all but the house was nice. The evening after seeing it my daughter's friend came to see me. She said she had a dream about Tris and they were in a yellow house. She said Trista kept telling her to get her family out of the yellow house because they are not supposed to be there. She had no idea I had looked at a house that day. Let alone a yellow one. By the next day it had already been rented anyway. I got a couple of calls for homes that sounded perfect but every time they were rented before I got there to see them. I finally found a place that was ok. It was in the wrong school district and had no yard either but I was running out of time. The night before I was going to sign the papers I got a call. The guy said I had left him a message a few weeks before but he had been in Mexico and just got it. He was super nice. He and his wife had retired to Mexico but own a property here still. They tried renting it out but it was too difficult from so far away. He wanted to sell. I told him I wouldn't be in a position to buy for a couple of years. He told me to come anyway because he thought we could work something out. The home is a cute three bedroom, just enough, on ten acres with the option to buy 20 more later on. I was afraid this was too good to be true but I met him here and instantly fell in love with the place. He explained his situation and how hard it is to get back here to check on things and make sure the property is being maintained until it sells. He said it would be beneficial to them to have someone here that would have a stake in the property so he knew it was being cared for. He offered a land contract until I am able to finance it myself. It's absolutely perfect. Ten gorgeous acres surrounded by hills. Close to town. Sweet neighbors who have already stopped in to welcome us and in the school district we wanted. As I was leaving the day I first looked at our new house, the owner asked how I got his number. I told him I wasn't sure. I was just calling every number I could find. He said he was curious because he had only listed the house with the realtor and hadn't listed his own number any where. Then he said... my wife and I have been praying for something like this to work out. I told him that I had too.I'm sitting here on the deck this morning so grateful. I know I had some help on this one. I forgot to mention that the house is painted in Trista's colors. Lavender and rose. Im thinking of all of you. I still have lots of work but today I am focusing on Trista's garden. I want to have it beautiful by June 1st, her Angel day. I was able to bring a lot of her flowers with me.

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....I posted a few days ago that we would like to hear from you...I know many have been thinking of you and yours...

well....your story ....made my heart smile...and a joy shot through my spirit...I really needed to hear that today. Post some photos when you can....I am truly over the top for you.

[Jeff's Mom]

Georgina, I am so sorry that the news was not good regarding your case. We understand completely how the stress can magnify and cause us to become ill. Please do try to take care of yourself and hopefully your blood pressure will settle down.

 

Shannon, It is so nice to hear from you today. I have thought of you frequently and wondered how things were going. The news is terrific about your new home. It sounds perfect for your family. And the opportunity to start a fresh new garden for Trista is something that will give you so much pleasure and comfort. Please post pictures when you can of your garden as it starts to grow.

 

Say Susan, did you ever manage to start your raised gardens?

 

Dee, your garden sounds just beautiful. Your husband has such a green thumb.

 

Becky, oh gosh...I wish your health would settle down and allow you some peace for once and for all. Sending wishes your way for a speedy recovery.

 

I just finished putting my plants and flowers away for the night. Can you believe that I have been unable to plant them as yet. We had ridiculously low temps last night. -1C. All of the tender plants would never have made it. This has been one heck of a roller coaster ride year. A couple of days that are warm and then temps dropping to a silly low for this time of the year. I bring things out into the sun during the day but have to bring them back inside as the day starts to get cooler. The trees are not looking their best. Everything is slow to bloom.

 

Sherry, how is your garden coming along? I understand the weather your way is nice this weekend.

 

Thinking of everyone and wishing you all a peaceful and comforting evening. Love to all, Kate

[InHeavensKeeping]

Thank you Kate I'm going to keep trying that's all I can do. My health is starting to suffer so I'm going to have to be careful.

Shannon I love your story of finding the house what a lovely owner to work with you to help you buy it.

Take care Georgina x

[tobyfreefoot]

kate-glad to hear they passed the law in canada. makes the situation easier in the end. i watched my dad lie there unable to swallow or blink for several days. it was pretty awful.  it is good you all do all you can,. i found when my dad died i had very few regrets because i tried to be there for him as much as possible and it did make his passing easier than it might have been.

i am going to try to get some more plants in the ground today because the sun is finally out!

 

shannon--i am so happy you found a place and even more delighted trista guided you there.  it gives me such hope that there is more than meets the eye

 

becky--i've been wondering how you are. started to pm you yesterday.

 

our friend rick went to nm this weekend and posted on facebook asking where the roadside memorial was. i sent him the info and here was his next post--Rick Walker Isn't karma great. I pulled into a picnic area to check Facebook and stopped exactly where I wanted to be.

 

he said he cleared some tumbleweeds and everything was in pretty good shape. sent this pic

[ericasmom]

Shannon, I am so very happy for the news of your new place to call home. I love love love that Trista visited her friend to help direct you away from the yellow house, and that now you have found the right home, the right place to be. That saying I love; Sometimes the universe has you exactly where you need to be.

Are the boys happy too? Does your Grandmom like the new place? I just think that it is so great plus that you shared this story with all of our Newbies too, so that they can see that there is this wonderful connection to our Babies.

I love what Gretchen said, giving her hope for this other place, for something beyond here.

And Gretchen, so cool that your Friend was exactly where the universe needed him to be?

Kate the garden is lovely, I will try to post photos later. My husband is a very good gardener and I am not bad but my back does not allow much from me anymore. Most of our garden is perennial and some of it came from my old house where I raised my kids. I brought what I loved from my home to this place 16 years ago. Back then, I gardened a couple hours a day in the spring and summer, pulling weeds, moving one plant to make room for another, pulling invasive species out...sharing plants with neighbors. So by now we have most of what we love growing and we add a few newbies when we can.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Georgina, the reason we were able to move our case and get our law enforcement to act on anything was because we hired a private accident reconstructionist. I would not have known to do this except Becky mentioned this in one of her postings.

 

Once we had hard evidence that something occurred, we obtained a meeting with the District Attorney (prosecutor) and once he reviewed the report we provided he was convinced to move forward.

 

That being said, it is important to hire a accident reconstructionist with the proper credentials as well as reputation. He ideally should be an insider to the system, not a newbie. Ours is the head reconstructionist for the State of Wisconsin...thus when the girl's attorney tried to throw out our reconstruction report, he had nothing to stand on.

 

It costed us $5000 (US dollars) but has given us the ability to set the record right about that day and the events. Here is a sample reconstructionist from the UK that may give you an idea what to look for:

http://www.forensic-ai.co.uk/qualifications.html

 

 

[TearsInHeaven]

Shannon-  what a beautiful, incredible story on your house.  Trista made sure her mom was surrounded by good things.

 

Georgina- please take  care of yourself.  I know how hard it is and you have hit one barrier after another.  You  have a beautiful new grandchild that you need to be there for-- healthy.  Our sons were lost in a close time frame.  We are on the same road at a very similar place.  So many times I felt that this could not go on and I wanted to let go.   I had bouts of feeling desolate, angry, sad, depressed, guilty that I was alive and not him, you name it.  But then I think of our little grandchild, the only one we will ever have.  That small little child makes me want to be here to see her grow as much as I can. You have the same... She needs to have the loving grandmother I know you are. James wraps his arms around you so often.

[tobyfreefoot]

allison brought the kids out today.

[rlolheiser]

not a lot to say today.. just wanted to share

 

One of my nieces graduated today, her mother died about 5 years ago and she was raised by another relative.  However nobody would share talking about her mother to her.  Only myself, I would talk about her mom, and JaBoa.  She knew JaBoa just a little bit when they were a lot younger.  Anyway Her mom was a drug addict, she had died of a drug overdose and sadly, my relatives are extremely judged harshly which  I could never do, I felt sorrow for this woman because she had found herself in a bad place unable to overcome this monster of an addiction.  The relatives allowed our neice to marry at the age of 17, signing all the legal papers..  Then basically left her alone.  I would keep in touch with her from time to time, she had wanted me at graduation but I couldn't go.. mom isn't doing to well.  I did mail her a message and told her that her mom and JaBoa and of course her aunt was proud of her for her accomplishment!  That the three of us still loves her and watches over her.  She messaged me a bit ago telling me how much she appreciated that I never forgot her mom...  and I never speak badly of her..  she said I am the only person that could make her cry today.. but they were tears of joy, cause she knew she wasn't alone  after all.

 

I wish people understood the importance of talking about our loved ones.. just because they are gone does not mean they are no longer a part of our lives.. I know so many of you understand this.. I just wanted to share...  thinking of you all... and our angels of all ages

[daveydow1]

Kate-----I, so, agree with what Dee said so well about dying with dignity...... More

needs to be done to accomplish this, but I'm not at all sure how it could be done,

since it always ends up being a very controversial subject....emotionally, and legally.

Our garden is doing ok.  Just got a nice rain this morning, which will help.

 

Shannon----thanks for the lovely story about your finding a new place to live.  It

sounds so very nice & ideal for your family;  and dear Trista surely had a hand in

all of it.....sending her message through her friend's dream.  House colors sound so nice.

 

Georgina-----Oh, .....I'm so sorry about how the case is turning out.  It seems as though

the laws give every conceivable loophole to the person who caused the tragedy.  I surely

know what you mean..... it's so discouraging.....I know.  Our lawyer once told us that

in these highly emotional cases,,.....now matter how it turn out,  that we would probably

be disappointed.  He was right.   Sorry to hear about your eye surgery, and high blood 

pressure.  Please....please... try to find some calming influences somehow.  I'm so sorry

that you are in this stressful time.  Sending prayers.

 

Laurie-----So nice that you're going to plant potatoes.  My husband planted ours a few

weeks ago, and they are now up, and looking pretty nice.  You are so right......that we

here on earth are 'locked in time'.....while our angels have no such limiting or stressful

constraints upon them.  They are free.  Being still here on earth....our imaginations will

only take us so far in trying to think what it is like without the burden of 'time'.  Our

angels are on the other side of the thin veil where there is not 'time'.....only peace.

 

Dee---Your irises sound lovely.  We have a 'grove' of them out by the grape arbor. They

are lavender & white...(two-tone).  I just love them.  So sorry that your mother-in-law

has fallen, and may be facing a change in living arrangements.  My mom had the same

situation  (falling in her independent-living apartment)......she must have fallen a dozen

times....unable to get up, but was lucky enough to escape any broken bones.  It just

became evident that she could not manage on her own, and my sis and I had to make

the decision to find nursing home placement for her.  She has 'settled in' by now.....6

months later, and seems contented enough, and more secure, knowing help is always

available for her...she was becoming so fearful and isolated in her apartment.

It's a nice nursing home.....we were lucky to find it for her.  

We also have peonies blooming......white,  fucshia, and pink.

 

 

WISHING   PEACE   AND  TRANQUILITY   TO  ALL  INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry 

[Jeff's Mom]

Leah, sorry to hear that your Mom is still not doing very well. I hope you are trying to get some rest yourself. I agree completely about talking about our loved ones after they have passed away. For me it is as natural as breathing to mention Jeff's name. So glad that you have such a positive connection with your niece. She is lucky to have you so connected to her. She sounds like a terrific young woman.

 

Gretchen, those cutie pies are such a breath of fresh air. I hope you enjoyed your visit.

 

Sherry and Dee, your gardens sound beautiful. Perhaps you can post some pictures when you have the time. I would love to see them.

 

It was a lovely day here today. I finally managed to spend some quality time in my garden and get a few things planted. I certainly hope this lasts for the week. With any luck I will be able to finish it off in a day or two. Georgina, I am hoping you are feeling a bit better yourself. Try to stay as calm as you are able. Good luck with your recovery on your eye surgery. Have a peaceful evening everyone. Kate

 

 

[ericasmom]

Leah, I am so glad for your niece to have your sweetness in her life. You are the buoy for her, the one that remembers her Momma in such a way that she knows she can come to you to talk about her Mom. Oh I wish there were more of you for the children of the world whose lives have been so deeply touched by heartache. You have broad shoulders my friend, holding everyone as you juggle the duties of ten people. Hope to you.

 

Gretchen, those little Darlings are so precious, I am glad that they came over today to brighten your world. May it stay dry and only rain a once a week rain all summer.

 

Kate, glad that the garden found you in it today. Around the midwest the last two days have not been garden days, it was only about 40 out last evening adn rainy, icky and sick weather. It felt like November all day today. I was able to get my report cards done, hooray, and visit with the kids as well.

 

Sherry, yes, the whole nursing home business is difficult. I am happy that your Mom feels safe and settled where she is. Oh your grove of iris sound delightful, as do your peonies. We have white and pink peonies but my neighbor Kay has a coral tall stand of peonies, I have never seen this kind or color before. Beautiful.

Going to try to attach a few photos, one of my Grandboy, Michael. The others should be garden and Erica Elizabeth

[ericasmom]

While I am posting, I will try a few more;

[ericasmom]

Georgina, I did not know you were having surgery on your eye. Was the matter settled through the surgery? Are you able to rest or are you too agitated? Your blood pressure is at issue for sure, and I am praying that you can find some ways to reduce those numbers and find a bit of freedom from your anxiety. Is it possible for you to take a couple of walks per day, starting out slowly and not going far but building up to more? While I know that this will not take away your anxiety, your deeply broken parts, it will help you release some endorphins and mend a tiny bit at a time. Mend does not mean forget or leave behind, mend means to sew up some of our wounds so as to live in the space our loved ones left us. James is rooting for you Dear, he is not disappointed in you, he simply loves you completely, as you love him. There is no leaving our Kids behind Georgina, I think we heal when we realize that we can take them into each moment with us.

[ericasmom]

 

our neighbor cardinal, nesting in the climbing roses against the back of our house.

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee...thanks for sharing the photos of Mama Bird...GRANDkids...and flowers in your garden...I have had to really start working hard in my back yard...cramming 3 weeks of yard work in 3 days....we are having a 'Beach Party' for Pibby on Thursday to celebrate her 12th birthday....after all the rain....everything needs pruning..raking..and more weeds than flowers...she and I have been pouring over catalogs and pinterest....we bought everything from Oriental Trading and Shindigs....she wanted lots of gossamer to wrap patio covers...and poles..(I think I bought enough to wrap the whole yard)....but...they are only this age once...school is out at noon and she invited 25...so it will be a full afternoon...my pool looks great....that is the only thing that looks good as of now....

 

Leah...you are a touchstone to so many....one of my Mother's friends died when her daughter was around 8...and she would visit and never get tired of hearing my Mom talk about her Mom...and how she was at different ages...and all the 'girl stories'....

 

Becky....I so remember when my Daddy died....I had lost my GRANDparents and Mom....and I thought well...there goes the last person that will ever love me with a higher powered unconditional love....if I had robbed a bank...they would have found a good excuse for me doing it. I hope you are finding some layer of healing with all your health issues...you so deserve some ray of sunshine with all the dark days.

 

Georgina....please..please heed all the warnings many are giving you on this site...Becky..our Warrior Mom had to battle for justice for her son...and she became so rundown...and grief can impact a person emotionally and physically and break one down...I know all her health issues stem from all she had to go through...so....

take Dee's advice and try to walk some a couple of times a day....not fast or far....and take some deep breaths...that is stress relief....and remember what you can and cannot control....

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

Gretchen....Sunday must have been a good day for GRANDchildren....Pibby brought a friend over...they had the first swim of the season.....I gave them the flamingos to blow up...they will be party favors...you can put a can drink in them...they look so colorful bobbing around the pool....

[tobyfreefoot]

susan they are darling! the flamingos too! you too dee! beautiful!

 

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Today is Trista's Angel Day. I can't be with family and friends but they are coming tomorrow. We are going to do a balloon release here and light candles in her garden. I went outside today and saw this growing in a bed of peonies by my house. It wasn't blooming yesterday. Irises have a special meaning to me. Trista had a little fairy doll named Iris. I wanted to plant some in her garden and my aunt, without knowing that I wanted irises, sent some from my great grandmothers house. I looked up how to plant them and I found that Iris is the greek goddess of the rainbow responsible for helping female souls cross over. The first purple iris bloomed in Trista's garden on Mother's Day and today I found this. I miss my Girl so much but I do feel her love today.

[rlolheiser]

Shannon, thank you for sharing your sign of the Iris, Thinking today of your Trista and your time with family and friends, may it be warm with many more signs Bless you and yours.

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....I have 'no time' now to post what I want to say....will be back later....the story of you and the boys 'finding' that house and land is simply more than luck or coincidence...there had to be a Trista divine hand in that...thinking of you...

[TearsInHeaven]

Shannon- I know it is late in the day but I pray that God gives you the strength you need for today.

[InHeavensKeeping]

Laurie thank you for the link unfortunately we don't have any money but I will try with all I have to look into to this Thankyou

Dianne i cannot believe it's nine months next Thursday. I'm still having so much anxiety and desperation that he's gone. I want to know he's alright and not afraid. It keeps flashing over and over what if he's lost. I love my grand daughter but so would james he had a special touch with babies and children they responded to him. And I keep thinking it all the time. Take care of you Georgina xx

Gxx

[InHeavensKeeping]

My eye is getting better very sore. Sent a picture for you to see

Gxx

[Jeff's Mom]

Georgina, that looks very sore! I hope that hubby is taking good care of you. How is the baby doing?

 

Shannon, where does the time go? I am thinking of you.... and knowing that while today will be bittersweet... it will also be filled with great memories of that sweet girl of yours! I look forward to seeing pictures of the new garden you are going to design for her in your new home. Sending "hugs".

 

Dee, thank you for posting those pictures. How beautiful. I wish we could almost skip winter entirely so that we  could work in our gardens year round.

 

Susan, move over and make room....here I come! That pool looks inviting. I know that the party will be so much fun. Enjoy the day.

 

Managed to plant a ton of things today. I am a happy camper this evening. They are calling for more rain over the next few days and so I worked like a mad fiend to get things accomplished. Sending warm thoughts and wishes to all. Kate

 

 

[summergirl]

Hello my friends - it has been a very long time since I have been here although I have thought of those I know often.  We have moved to a new house and are very happy with it - new memories being made. Tavian is 13 now and stands 5'7" - he is a blessed joy yet at times can make me a bit crazy at this age.  I still grieve every day for my Jessica but how well we know that will never change no matter how many years go by - so very difficult to believe it has been 9 years !!

I have been to my favorite camping spot for 4 days of beautiful peace - hubby and Tavian stayed home for boy time so it was nice to be by myself, camping on the beach - the sunshine, the walks and just me time - guess that's why I am Summergirl

I just wanted to stop and say hi and post a pic or 2 

 

I pray for those here that I know and for those who I have not met. Peace, Love and Strength

Kathy

Tavian with his new hair cut - curls are coming back now !!

Our new kitty - Bella - sweet as she can be

[ericasmom]

Trista Sweetie, you are the Iris growing in the garden,

the rainbow that stretches over-skies,

reminding those that know you best,

that everywhere and all at once,

you are leaving messages like the little Fairy Girl you are.

 

While this day marks the saddest time, it also marks the proof of that next place, and the strength of Angels to guide and shed light. Thank you for your many gifts Trista, your Momma shares them with us and so you continue to help others. We know you through your Momma's love, neither of you will ever doubt that bond. Peace Little One, May the Angels be throwing you a magical time.

[wgreenlee]

Happy Angelversary, Sweet Girl Trista!!!

 

You are LOVED and REMEMBERED.  Be with your mom, Zak, and Aiden today and let them feel your LOVE!!!

 

Shannon...

 

I pray you will feel the presence of your precious, beautiful Trista today, and that she visits your new home and it is a day with some peace and lots of love.

[ericasmom]

Susan, the pool area is gorgeous and Pibby and her friend are so happy there. The flamingos are a wonderful addition. So cute and so wonderful that Pibby can come to Grandmom for the party of her dreams.

 

Yep Kate, gardening all through the year. I would love a greenhouse for that.

 

Georgina, goodness that eye looks very painful indeed. How long do the doctors feel healing will be?

 

Thanks Gretchen, I think our little Girls should get together and play, they remind me of one another.

[wgreenlee]

After many steps backwards this month, Renea and I were given an amazing gift from Brooks yesterday for our anniversary.  I began reading "When the Bough Breaks" a week ago, and then finished it Saturday night.  Even with all the hope and love shared here I was not moving forward very well.  In fact, I think this was the worst month yet for my grief.  After finishing the book, I realized I wasn't doing my "grief-work," and wasn't allowing that hope and love to help change me for the better.  

 

Anyways...as I went to visit Brooks yesterday morning I turned the corner into his resting place and saw this...

 

 

and then this...

 

 

I basically just fell down on my knees and started sobbing, but for the first time in such a long time, they were tears of joy.  I know Brooks was there in spirit as the momma doe lay down by his side.  It was like a monstrous burden was just lifted off my shoulders.  It was almost like a hole in my heart had just been filled.  I got back in my truck and rushed home to get Renea.  Kinda funny, but she had just gotten out of the shower, and I didn't let her do anything but get dressed quickly, and then basically dragged her to my truck and told her I had a big surprise.  When we got back to the cemetery the deer were still there just as they had been before.  Renea basically did the same thing I did, and just stopped and sat down and cried too.  We then sat there for about an hour...just us and those deer.  We knew our son had given us the best anniversary gift ever.  The deer didn't seem fazed by us at all.  I almost felt that we could walk up to them and give them a hug.

 

I think my heart had been closed so much these last few months that there was no way for hope and love to find a way in...but reading that book...or just the act of trying to find a "new" way of dealing with the pain opened my heart up again.

 

It was a good day!

 

For all of you...new to this journey...or those of you familiar with the long road of grief...I think I can now honestly say there is hope.  There is an alternate path in our "new normal" that can lead to that hope.  It wasn't just the site of the deer, but the feeling they gave me...a soft, peaceful feeling that reminded me that I can grieve for my son, but celebrate his life and continue to honor him with my actions.  It has been so hard to do, and I know there will be more steps back, but I now think I'll make it.

 

Hope and joy used to be just natural extensions of my life 20 months ago.  Even when Brooks was dealing with his addiction there was hope and certainly moments of joy seeing his progress and his renewed efforts at getting clean.  After he died these weren't naturally occurring anymore, and I haven't actively been looking for them.  I say I have, but I really haven't.  I think I almost felt guilty about feeling them.  Now, I know I can still feel them again.  There is hope and there is joy.  Last week I attended Tiffani's first Angelversary.  As we shared ice cream...Tiffani's wish because, "You can't be sad when eating ice cream," I felt hope as we all gathered in a circle and watched her balloon wishes soar into the sky as wonderful music played.  The people were there for Tiffani's family, but so many of them were friends of Brooks too, and they made sure I felt that hope, as well.  The next night I visited Brooks late in the evening and sitting at a grave of one of his friends was an ex-student of mine.  It was her husband and his Angelversary is this Friday.  I asked her if she wanted me to sit with her and she said yes.  We sat for quite a while talking, and again hope was shared.

 

This is an excerpt from the book I read.  It seems to say everything we feel here on this site.

 

"Years ago I was out of the country for several months.  When I got to Customs at Kennedy Airport, the inspector smiled warmly and said, 'Welcome home!' The moment brought tears to my eyes.  It was so good to be home.  That is the same feeling I got in meeting the parents (she interviewed 50 parents who lost children) for these interviews, that it was so good to be home.  That same sentiment is expressed by many of the parents; when they are with another bereaved parent they feel connected to a kindred spirit, someone who is on the same wavelength and speaks the same language; they feel at home.  In our workaday world on one sees the aspect of us that is bereaved parent.  As time progresses, we speak less and less frequently of the children we lost; yet those children are often no further from our hearts than our surviving children.  When we meet other bereaved parents, we're home - with people who know that language and who understand the subtleties foreigners can never truly know.  We can show each other pictures of the child we lost.  Despite differences in age, religious beliefs, education, and all those other variables that usually define our social affiliations, there is a bond.  The strength of that sense of connection surprised me.  Many of the interviews ended with a spontaneous hug.  Though we had known each other barely two hours, we knew each other better than most...I learned that I am not crazy when I see a young bearded man in the supermarket who looks just like Steven and I follow him up and down the aisles grateful for a moment with my son.  I learned that I won't ever get over that feeling.  I learned that I can live with that and still revel in the day.  I learned that people have an inspiring level of generosity, a strength of character, a capacity to be nourishing to others when they themselves are depleted.  I am indebted to the kindred spirits who accompanied me on this journey and taught me so much.  I hope their voices teach and inspire you."

 

I learned that I have much more grief-work to do, and it will be hard and never-ending if I want to have some type of normal life.  I learned that I must accept that Brooks was my only child and was taken from me intentionally by someone else's hand.  Most of all I learned that I cannot do this alone.

 

Everyone on this site shares the same generosity, strength of character, and capacity to be nourishing and I don't think I would have made it to this point without you.  Thank you!

 

[ericasmom]

Wade, you are sending me off to bed filled with gratitude and joy. The epiphany, the moment where our spirits 'get-it', we get it, we find our Baby in the midst of our ache, shining there for us, letting us know that hope is a way to live and finding more hope is our mission.

 

So so happy for you and Renea. Thank you Brooks, for sending your Parents the greatest gift.

[Mermaid Tears]

I have much to say..but so late...tomorrow...

[wgreenlee]

Dee...

 

It really did seem like an epiphany.  It is such hard work...spiritually, emotionally, and even physically.  It seemed like I was wasting away...not necessarily intentionally, although one part of my mind can debate that with the other...but it was happening nonetheless.  Even now, I still feel a small sense of guilt in understanding that, but I know that we can still be together daily without grief erasing me down to nothing.  I think I understand a little now how you can post thousands of times to help others, but still stay upright on your own journey.  We aren't diminishing our loss with our own life's work, but hopefully magnifying our children's memory in a way that honors them and keeps them alive inside of us, without drowning in depression.  I had never felt depression like this last month.  I think Brooks sent me a message that it wasn't ok, and that I needed to find my way back to a path that would allow me to grieve and still live.  Lots of grief-work left, but I think I'm on the right path again.

 

Thank you, son, for being there when I needed you most!  I love and miss you so much, but I know you are here...the veil between us is thin and I can feel your love through it.

 

Peace, hope, and love to all of you!

[Mermaid Tears]

Wade....I read your post late last night...and I really...really needed to read those words and feel that 'hope'...we come together to share our grief....to try and find a way to understand it all....to carry this heavy dark kind of grief.....and as Dee said....'we change to make room for the loss'.....

    we have been knocked down to our knees...I have a sense of being so unbalanced and feel like I am a 'inner cripple' and have a sense of being exhausted in spirit...

   yes....that is the grief work...

a few months ago...I decided to start trying to find a way to sit between Grief and Grace....

I carried an internal depression....and my 'persona' has always been positive...I consider myself a 'cock eyed optimist'...

 my Grama told me years and years ago...'Remember..you are Maggie the Cat...and you will always land on your feet'...

 

well....I certainly wasn't landing on my feet...

then I come here and read and share and feel 'normal'...in the sense of what I am experiencing is what many parent's experience on their grief journey....

'if there is one...there is some'....I don't feel abnormal or crazy or alone..

there will be one or more that will identify with whatever I am experiencing or feeling...they will have hit that wall...or burst into tears when buying groceries.....dealing with a holiday....crying into a shirt....watching the sky....surviving...

    We 'know'....this grief has us 24/7.....we know how hard...so very hard to carry it.

Thank you for sharing your gift of Grace with all of us...I was completely ...I do mean over the top....when I saw that photo of the Doe and deer...she looked so peaceful...serene....as if she knew she was at the right place at the right time...all was right with the world and universe....all was in full circle...the Alpha and Omega....Praise God...Amen.

    You and Renea did receive an amazing gift...

I embrace stories from parents that share their light and grace moments...Thank you, again.

[TearsInHeaven]

Wade- reading your story touched me so and was so much help.  I am happy for you to have experienced such a comfort and your ability to share it so openly with us was a comfort and yes, even a small sense of joy that our sons and daughters are peaceful and beautiful in their being.  You have an amazing insight and gift to be able to share your thoughts and feelings--a true poet.  So many here share so openly and now 6 months later I find I want to come here and see how all the others are doing because then I  can see how I am doing.  Most of the time I think I am doing so badly but then something reaches out like a soft stroke on my cheek.  I think that I shall remember your story of the deer for a long, long time and draw from it.  Much like so early in my time I had to face the holidays and Dee painted a picture of Erica sitting on a star with one leg over the side looking down on her from the heavens.  I have drawn on that picture so often.  Now to think of the beautiful surround you just described.----  Brooks knew you needed a boost only he could send you.

 

Georgina-  I too constantly ask if Michael is alright and beg God to take care of him. But while my faith has been shaken to its very bones, I believe he is okay.  I even hope God has found it right to send him out to someone in need that he can help.  Crazy-- maybe but comforting for me.  He always wanted to help someone that maybe no one else would.  And now he is our granddaughter's personal guardian angel, watching over her forever.  James is everywhere for you. He is the green in the grass and the blue in the sky.  He is the soft breeze you feel against your cheek.  Like all of us you have been through so much and it is hard to rebound from this harsh blow.  But next time you are out look to the sky and know that James is looking back at you and smiling at the mother he loved so dearly. Believe me I am not past the tears and anguished cries that  come so frequently I no longer recognize my face in the mirror.  But every now and then --not as often as I would wish---  I feel I need to look for my son around me.  Yours is there for you,  He feels your love.

[ktlearn--Stephen's Mom]

Hi. My name is Karen.

 

On March 13, my son Stephen passed away suddenly (in his sleep) due to "sudden death" associated with an undiagnosed liver disorder. He was 25.

 

I'm new here and just wanted to introduce myself. I found your site last night while searching the Internet for somewhere I could "be" ...and be with people who understand.  (It was recommended that I post on this thread and join you.)

[Jeff's Mom]

Wade, your post brought a smile to my face. I am so happy that you are feeling the comfort that Brooks is giving to Renea and you. What a lovely anniversary present from your always adoring son.

 

We are off to purchase a new tree in honour of our precious pal Annie that died last July. We had planted a tree in honour of our previous dog fifteen years ago. Unfortunately we noticed that it was not doing very well last summer. This past year finally took a toll on the poor thing and it is now finished. A beautiful Magic Apple tree in  honour of our Dally  whom we called Magic. We felt that under the circumstances we would plant another tree dedicated to both of our sweeties.

 

Tomorrow a CT scan and so prayers would be very much appreciated. Thanks.

 

Sandy, hope you are feeling a bit better.

 

Georgina, I'm hoping that your eye is improving each day.

 

Becky, how are you doing?

 

Leah, thoughts for your Mom and family.

 

Laurie, as always... sending love your way.

 

Susan, I'm with your in spirit as you prepare for the party for Pibby. Have fun!

 

Wishing everyone peace in their day. Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

Karen....I am so sorry to hear your SONshine boy passed away...my son, John David, passed away in August, 2012...we come to this site to share our heartache..heartbreak..heartsick grief....none of us are professionals...we are simply parents that has lost a child.....some parents on this site has lost 2.....I was looking something else up on the internet one night...and was 'guided' to this site....I do believe it must have been a divine hand for my human boat was going down...down...down.....the parents on here threw me a life jacket...to help me keep afloat. Please tell us about your Stephen...and how you are doing. Please do not think you have to answer every message....just read the posts..and maybe some older posts....and you will find that you are not alone with this kind of grief.

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Karen,

 

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son, Stephen. I'm glad you found this place though. It's a good place with good people who get it. Please share more with us about you and about Stephen as you feel ready. 

 

I don't have much time right now but I wanted to say to Wade... How touched I was with your story.  It was what I needed to hear today. I'm so in awe at the way our Angels shine through to help guide us to where we need to be and the picture is so beautiful. I can't imagine what it must have been like to witness that in person. 

 

Thank you to all who remembered my Trista yesterday. It was the hardest day I've had in a while. One step forward two steps back sometimes and there are those days that knock you to your knees. 

 

Thinking of all today. 

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....we understand how you can be knocked down to the ground...but we are all thinking of you and the boys...and your forever girl...Trista Mae.....I love that name....did you call her Trista Mae or just Trista...? I'm sorry I didn't get to post much for you yesterday....I have had to cram 3 weeks of yard work into 3 days...

      Your story of finding the 'home' is another story of Grace and Gifts from our children....it seems as if here lately many parents have been sharing a ray of light that comes through the cracks of our hearts....and oh my....how bright is that light.

     I am getting all ready for Pibby's Beach Birthday party....and once again....I am facing a celebration ...and living with that hole in my heart in the shape of John David...when I am busy, busy, busy.....I do ok....it is when I pause...I stumble..but I know I am not the only parent that has to rise up and do the right thing....for I have other children and their children....and birthdays and celebrations are a part of the fabric of a family....and we do want them to have all 'the good stuff' that life and this earth home can give them. They have to carry forward, too.

      I feel very good about your situation now.....there for awhile...(and many times)....I was very, very concerned for you and your boys....we know the journey still isn't 'easy street' for you....but at least you and the boys have that 'new home' where you can shape a theme and start to live without the drama from others...and create a place of living with peace and harmony. Without me seeing it....I believe it is a home where Trista Mae would find herself right at home. I do believe she was a partner in finding it. Peace to you.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Happy Heavenly Birthday Sweet Trista Mae!

 

Shannon, how beautiful you were guided to your new home!

 

*********************************************

 

 

Wade, what a gift to see those incredible deer by Brook's graveside. Deer are considered sacred by many Native American Cultures, as they give their lives for others to live. Also, they represent Gentleness and Love. Thanks for sharing as it is a gift to all of us as I believe our Children send these signs to us.