Loss of an Adult Child

[daveydow1]

Rhonda,

So sorry about your cousin's little baby girl--the

little angel. My baby girl died years ago at age 6

mo.---it hurts even today. I will pray for her parents

and family. Take care of yourself, and Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Bonnie,

Yes, I agree---I'm glad that the holidays are

over for another year. Sometimes I feel guilty

even saying that, but it's the way I feel. Also,

scads of company/visitors or even family all at

once can be depressing. Now that it is over, just

try to go into a "chill out" mode with lots of

rest etc. I'm glad that we have each other here

at BI---the best place to vent and tell our true

feelings without other people telling us to "get

a grip", "chin up", or in some way trying to "fix"

us. Peace be with you, Bonnie.

Mikesmom,

I'm so sorry you are so sad. I remember when I was

at that stage, so I can completely understand your

pain at facing the new year without dear Mike. There's

a gaping hole left in our lives--can't be repaired

completely. I feel for you and for everyone of us here

at BI. Thank God we have BI to come to. Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[maureensmom]

To everyone who shares on BI, I hope we all have an easier year in 2007. My husband says - how can it be any worse? I miss Maureen so much. Christmas was hard, but somehow the end of this year, our first full year without her, seems even more difficult - sad, final and hopeless. I don't know how we get through this except just one day at a time.

Georgia

[ashleysmom]

I wish you all a peaceful New Year. I have realized that the holidays will never be happy. That part of myself is gone. I feel so lonely in crowds during the holidays. I really tried to join in the fun, tried to lift my drowning spirit to no avail. Still trying to think of how to change this for next year.

Carol, I remember that first New Year without Ashley, it hit me so hard. I still hate the thought of starting yet another year without Ashley. But someone here helped me with that, saying, It's another year closer to Ashley.

My prayers are with all of you, my candle is lit for all of our children and my heart is with you all, Love, Dottie

[kathy714]

To All,WELL...Another year gone,another year without our angels,i do agree,ringing in the New Year,is very different now,the first thought is my Nathan not being there with me,or not calling me at midnight,which he always did if we weren't together,no matter where he was Nate would always call to say Happy New Year,Mom.I know he is around he is making sure i know.I have another penny story...To night i stopped at the liquor store to buy some beer for my husband,while i was paying for mine this other boy was 33 cents short,said i said i would cover it,when i walked out ,a bright shinny penny was on the ground right outside the door,i said to the kid carry out the beer,"oh look ,a penny,he put the beer in my car,it took no more than a minute,then i decided to go pick up the penny,it was gone,i could not find it anywhere,i don't know ,i really don't think anyone could of picked it up,i think it was Nate,letting me know he thought it was cool that i covered that kid's 33 cents,because Nate was like that,if he was here he would of said "that was nice of you mom "...T/C,I hope everyone a peaceful New Year,and thank everyone for being here,it means so much to have a place to go when we need to talk about those things that others just don't understand...Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[Guest Guest]

Bonnie,

Yes, I agree---I'm glad that the holidays are

over for another year. Sometimes I feel guilty

even saying that, but it's the way I feel. Also,

scads of company/visitors or even family all at

once can be depressing. Now that it is over, just

try to go into a "chill out" mode with lots of

rest etc. I'm glad that we have each other here

at BI---the best place to vent and tell our true

feelings without other people telling us to "get

a grip", "chin up", or in some way trying to "fix"

us. Peace be with you, Bonnie.

Mikesmom,

I'm so sorry you are so sad. I remember when I was

at that stage, so I can completely understand your

pain at facing the new year without dear Mike. There's

a gaping hole left in our lives--can't be repaired

completely. I feel for you and for everyone of us here

at BI. Thank God we have BI to come to. Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[Guest Guest]

I am glad the Holidays are over. My brother died suddlenly on Dec 3 of a massive heartattack. My mother found him on the bathroom floor. He lived and cared for her. She is devistated. I have three yound children and am worried for my mother. She is feeling guilty because prior to the finding him he had chest pains and she did not call me to take him to the hospital. Now she is going through the guilt of that. I am worried for my and my holidays were just going through the motions for the kids. There was no life insurance i had to get a loan to pay for the funeral. I had to shop for his cloths to bury him in, instead of shopping for his presents. It just not seem real. I have had my mother since the death and I am now getting ready to take her home. I dont she will be able to care for herself? Now I am constantly thinking I am having a heartattack. My son got shot with a pellet gun and had to have surgery during all this. Can someone give me some adivice? I hope it will get better for everybody but I think we have a long road ahead

[julsmom]

Guest, I am sorry for the loss of your brother. You probably should get the chest pains checked out. As for advice, as you can tell from the postings we all just help each other through the dark days. May your family and all the BI families find peace and comfort in 2007. Lynda

[ronsmom]

yeah, 2007 is here, to me it still feels like July 4,2005 nothing and I mean NOTHING has changed since Ron was killed. How can it last this long? I've gone through 2 Christmas's now, both were totally foggy and I couldn't even tell you what I did yesterday for new years eve, I don't even remember........this is life?? All the well meaning thoughts given to us like "happy new year" Merry Christmas, Are you feeling better? What are people thinking??? I keep trying to tell myself they just don't get it, they don't know, don't get angry accept their way of saying "I care about you" but sometimes I just want to throw something at them and tell them WAKE UP IDIOT things will never be the same...This is so sad living in this world, I do not want meds I don't want to add more complications to my already complicated life, I just want to "feel" something thats "normal"...I keep pretending I'm ok...go a day or two and WHAM that neon sign going around in my head stops again and brings it all to the surface..I can't even relax in my husbands arms, I get a hug and it makes me cry. I try to hide it and That makes me cry because no one sees the pain..almost 18 mos have passed since this wonderful young man left us in this dark dreary place where it used to be so bright. He is hating me for feeling so down, and being like this but I'm trying, I honestly am trying to move a little forward, its just some things keep knocking me down here again. This new year really hit me, last year I dont remember what that one was like, I don't remember any of last year to be honest. Yes, I'm one year closer to my son, as horrible as that will sound to the rest of my family it is true for right now, maybe another year I won't feel so desolate, but for right now, yes I'm glad I'm a year closer..........sorry folks, but your not going to hear Happy New Year from this mom...........I pray for all of us, you guys are wonderful and I feel so sad for each and everyone of you I feel a connection to you more so than to my family...good luck to all of us with those baby steps into 2007.........blueskies

Bonnie

[isabelle]

Bonnie,

You've mirrored my sentiments exactly. This was my 4th Christmas and New Years without my son. My only consolation is that I am that much closer to being with him. I have not moved from 10/09/03, and I don't plan to.

Elizabeth,

Ray'sMom

[daveydow1]

Maureensmom, Georgia, and Ashleysmom, Dottie,

I agree with you. The holidays will never be

really happy again--that IS another part of our

lives that is over since we lost our children.

The only thing that seems to work is taking one

day at a time. I hate thinking about tomorrow,

really. Thank goodness for BI--the ONLY place

where I can come to vent without people wanting

me to shut up and not talk of my son. I pray

that somehow we can all find some measure of

comfort in the weeks & months to come. Peace

be with you all.

Isabelle, Elizabeth,

We are at about the same stage of grief. I

too had my 4th holiday season without my son,

Dave, as you without dear Ray. The pain may

soften with time, but it is always there.

They are always in our hearts and minds. My

prayers are for you and hope you can find peace.

Bonnie,

I'm sorry you have had such a rough time over

the holidays. You are right---not much joy in

celebrating them, really. Also, it is so evident

that other people just can't understand how we

feel, and how our grief doesn't just "fade away"

as it would for any other thing that could happen

to us. I have also sensed from others that their

opinions are that we should be moving on and

making a 'new life' for ourselves. I'm glad we

have BI to come to. May you find peace & comfort.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Guest, So much has happened since Dec 3rd, and you have had so much of the responsibility of handling everything since--your brother's funeral prepaprations, the funeral itself, the care of your mother--not to mention your own child's accident and recovery. You haven't had time for anything to really sink in, and now you're facing the guilt of sending your mother back home and worrying about how she will get by in her own. It would be very feasible that you are having panick attacks, along with the first stages of grief and unexpected responsibility. You should consider first going to your doctor to have a check up and make sure you are ok--not having heart health issues. It's a real drag that you have to come here for advice, because here that means one thing; you've lost someone you love. For that we are all so very sorry. The one thing that you should not put off too much is discussing with your mom what is necessary for her in the coming weeks, months, etc. Do you have sibling that can help you? If not, have you considered looking for a companion caretaker that could live at your mom's and help take care of her needs, like shopping, errands, cooking, cleaning, bathing, and all of the things she needs help with? Sometimes older women who are alone don't mind doing this, and you could place an ad in the paper and interview applicants. You should discuss options with your mom before making decisions. But if your mom is defiant and needs serious full time or part time care, and you can't do it or don't have siblings to help, you may have to discuss harder options--like bringing her to live in with you rfamily, or assisted living. Does she have Medicare or a pension form your father that would help with costs? There may be information on the web for you if you search keywords like caring for aging parents or when elderly need help, etc... Unless someone here at this forum has experience with this, you may not get a lot of feedback. I don't, but I've seen how a few friends have handled like situations. Do you have a local social services for the elderly? You might be able to learn more through something like that regarding home visits, and just general advice. At any rate, I feel for you, and I am praying as I wrote this to you. Don't neglect your own grief in all of your business. Seek support groups that have similar needs. Talk to your doctor. Friends or neighbors, church members that have experience with this. If you have no one, seek a compassionate church pastor and go for a meeting. Lots of times they have a good eye on community access points for people in need of specific things. I wish I couls think of more, but please don't just sit still and expect the problems to fade. Do something for yourself so that you are able to function for yourself and within your family as you need to and to avoid feeling that overwhelming thing called guilt. There are lots of others that I'm sure are in your shoes thta can help. You just need to find them. Peace and love be with you, and may God be at your side through this valley. God Bless! -Claudia

[mikesmomrs]

Guest: First, I am so very sorry for the loss of your brother. I am glad though that you were able to be with and help your mom. I am sure that you helped and gave strength to each other. You are both in my prayers for God's blessings and strenth. I agree with Claudia--you MUST care for yourself in order to care for your mom. And seeking out help for your mom is a must, also. I don't know how old she is, but you may indeed have to look into some of the excellent options Claudia spoke of. It sometimes can be really difficult to find them, but sometimes one can lead to another. I found help for our son, here in New Hampshire, from a source located in Califorina!

I can imagine that your mom must be terrified of starting out without your brother there with her, not to mention having been the one who found him! I also agree with Claudia about your symptoms possibly being panic attacks, exacerbated by all that has happened, but, yes, you should check it out with your doctor. Please keep coming to BI, it helps so much to know there are people who understand how you feel and support you. God bless. Carol - MIKESMOMRS

[mikesmomrs]

The world is a very different place when you are seeing a new year on the calendar and you are feeling as though you just don’t even want to see the next day! How do we go through it? How do we get from here to there? All of us are feeling such pain and sorrow right now. We know that our children do not want us to be feeling this way, but we pray they will understand, at least for now, that we miss them too much to feel any other way, especially now with all of this holiday stuff around us. We had to have some semblance of a holiday, for the grandkids, and for our own daughter, who lives nearby, and is suffering so much through the loss of her brother. We managed to get through it all, but I am so glad it is behind us. I think the grandkids were happy. My son’s two older boys had a rough day the day they were here to open presents. They both entered something on their dad’s “Legacy” page. The younger one (9 yo) wrote “It won’t be the best of Christmases without u.” Love, Kam.”

Their dad had gotten something for them before he passed away, and they were very excited about it, but it also brought sadness to their faces, and finally they both broke down and held each other and just cried and cried. It was good for them, though, because it helped get some of the pain out. They were much better after they calmed down, seemed to be “cheerier” and able to smile easier. I know their dad was so proud of both of them, watching them be of comfort to each other.

We started taking down the tree today, and I cried the whole time. I just couldn’t stop the tears. I just can’t stop thinking about him and how much I miss him. Distractions are only momentary at best, shoved away from my thoughts almost immediately and I am right back to Mike being right there, in front of my eyes. I read Kirk’s dad’s new year’s resolution list, and it was good…I hope to incorporate some of it into my own. But not right now. Not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But, to honor our love for our son, and his love for us, I will try.

God bless all of us, and give us peace in this coming year, rest for our minds as well as our bodies. Grant all of us strength. All of you are in my prayers, Rhonda, Kathy714, Bonnie, Mamabets, Sherry, Patty, Lynda, Dottie, Elizabeth, Georgia, Jo, Kirk’s dad, Claudia, Kathy—Erik’s mom, and all of the others on this sad journey. And thank God for BI.

Carol - MIKESMOMRS

[illegalsmile20]

Dear Group, This is Brenda and I have not posted in a while. About the last 2 months I just kid of fell in a bad spot..I hope everyone of you mad it thru the holidays. Derek was gone for his 2nd X-Mas in Heaven on the 21st..I hate it bad but cant change it no amtter what I do..So please forgive me if I did not respond or say anything to you..Take care and have a good day ..Love Brenda and Derek

www.geocities.com/derek_geibe

06-19-84 12-21-04

Illegalsmile20@yahoo.com

[philipsmom]

Hello everyone,

I have been reading every day but not posting much. It has been nine months since Philip left us and I don't know how much more of this I can take. My family (little that I have) and my friends have been wonderful to me and if not for them I would be worse than I am. However, I don't know if I have the strengh to keep doing this. It is too hard. I couldn't get out of bed this morning until noon. I don't think I can push myself anymore. Way too many young people are being taken from us. Its too sad. I know it never goes away but when does it get a little easier? I know some of you on here have been on this road for several years. Please give me some hope. Thank you.

Nancy

Philip's mom forever

[daveydow1]

For all,

My prayers are for everyone here at BI. It seems we've

all had a rough time lately. I guess we must have to

just go from day to day. It may not be the ideal way

to live, but thinking too far ahead has to be too

overwhelming right now. As others have said, the pain

gets a little 'softer', but never goes away. We will

always love & miss our children. Thanks to all for

kind words, encouragement, and for just listening.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[rhonda68]

Hello Bonnie I feel the exact same way as you do, on Feb 23 it will be 2 years since I lost my boy. I am still exhausted and my heart feels very very heavy. The days leading up to Christmas was just awful I didnt think I was going to make it. It sure doesnt help the unkind words everyone likes to tell me. I was having a ruff time and my aunt said well its almost been 2 years dont know why you are still feeling like this. I was so mad ( I am sure she wouldnt like it to well if it was one of hers)I also hate New Years everyone is like yipee and I am just like ya WHATEVER another year without my son. I too feel like everyday is going to be a step closer to going. I am not interested in this world it is very mean.

Thank GOD for you at beyond indigo you are very special dont know what I would have done without you.

Richards Mom

[peacefulnow]

Hi Everyone, I haven’t posted for a while, but have been reading all of your postings. The pain is pretty intense for us all right now it seems. My heart goes out to each of you. That’s what brought me here today. I feel a little guilty that I don’t offer more support to all of you…but you were the first ones who came to mind when I felt so very sad and hopeless today. I’m sorry. I’m not being selfish, I just don’t have much to give right now.

I made it through Ian’s birthday in October. I made it through Thanksgiving and Christmas. I even managed to survive the New Year celebration. But now I’m facing the first angel date of my beautiful son, Ian. A year ago on New Years Eve, Ian was hospitalized once again for a very aggressive cancer that he had been battling for two and a half years. He never made it out of the hospital this time, and died on January 6th 2006. He was in so much pain and suffered so much. All the memories are flooding back with such intensity, and it hurts a lot. Just as so many of you have, I will make it through this. But don’t you just get so tired of living this altered life? Do you welcome the passing of your own life without any fear…just the wonderful anticipation of being with your child once again? …And then feel guilty for feeling that way?!?!

Our angels are watching over us. We’ll all be okay. Sigh. But what a journey this is. May you all find moments of peace and tranquility? Cindy

[ronsmom]

Yes, it sounds like were all feeling the same thing this month...angel days are coming around and b'days, all of it. I always heard there were more suicides during the holidays, I can understand why. The depression is horrendous for all of us, and there are so many of us here suffering!

But we will hang in there, We're All We Got!!! You guys have to hang on to keep us hanging on. Sharing the feelings like this is so good for me, I never thought just saying things outloud (so to speak) could make me feel a little better. But I can say it and luckily not see the raised eyebrows like I would if talking to a friend or family member. YOU KNOW, YOU FEEL IT..it won't let us GO......

CINDY:....when you wake up on the 6th light a candle for Ian,

I will light one for him too. He is no longer suffering, This we

know! But YOU are, and yes I agree I do not fear death and have

somewhat anticipation for it, I'm ready, my other kids and grandkids

aren't, thats where the guilt comes in. One was no more important

than the other but its just so hard to adjust my mind and find peace.

RHONDA:...two years is where I am (almost, July)..but that means nothing, my

cousin is going in her 9th year without her daughter and STILL where

I am today...so I don't have much hope for this easing or changing.

To All of you...keep talking, I so appreciate seeing where you are in this dark place, how your coping, what your thoughts are, it makes me realize I'm so not alone even though I feel as I am. Some of you have given me inspiration and don't even know it.

Right now I'm just wanting to get back to those "few days" where things didn't seem so horrid, I'm sure they will come again, I've had them off and on, but this time its hanging on like a black cloud over my head. I just want to escape for a little while and relax, I'm so tense and "mud headed" (can't keep a straight thought)..I'll let you know if and when it eases up..hang on people hang on...back to baby steps once again.!

blueskies

Bonnie

[daveydow1]

Rhonda,

I'm sorry that people say unfeeling things to you.

Your aunt could not have been thinking too well

when she told you the "it's been almost 2 yrs."

remark. I think that unless they have lost a child,

they cannot possibly know how much pain a parent

who has lost one feels. I agree---it is hard not

to wish ourselves to leave this world so we can be

with our lost child. It is so hard living on the

fringes of our old lives, but never being able to

really go back to our old life before our child left

this world. I pray you can find some comfort in

your life, somehow. Peace be with you,Rhonda.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[lorismom]

For Peacefulnow ~ Cindy ~ My thoughts will be with you on your son's angel day, Jan. 6th. I hope some special memories of Ian will comfort you. And as this is your first year without your dear son, try to be gentle with yourself and do something special just for you. Patty

[mikesmomrs]

For Peacefulnow - CINDY - My thoughts and prayers are also with you for the angel day of your son, Jan 6th. I have not reached that time yet, and i can't imagine how life could be more painful than just having our son gone from our lives, but to reach his angel date will be just gut-wrenching, I am sure. Please know that I will be thinking of you tomorrow and sending out strength through prayer.

RHONDA-sometimes others just can't see beyond their own selves, and I think this may be the case with your aunt and others who do not recognize the pain of losing a child never goes away. I pray too, that peace will be with you and you will find comfort in your life. God bless.

I think the holidays have taken their toll on us all and whatever emotional strength we have has been taxed to the max. Hopefully in the days ahead, some of it at least will return. I pray for all of us. God bless. Carol MIKESMOMRS

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear All, I have been here reading but not posting so much in the recent days and weeks. In honesty I have felt a little guilty for having "up" or good moments in the midst of reading everyone's agonizing painful moments. But thjose moments are solely by the grace of God, for which I am thankful. I know the vally is deep...

This morning I was looking around on the internet and found a very good link that helps me to understand some of my own feelings of grief, bereavement, guilt, and a blossoming desire to move forward without letting go of anything that keeps me connected to my Joey, even if that means holding on to my pain. In this article there are also some VERY helpful tips for family members and friends to follow when considering the grief and feelings of a parent who has lost a child--no matter at what age. Cindy's aunt comes to mind... she just doesn't understand the scope of what losing a child means. I feel that any of us by simply e-mailing or sending this article to those that just don't get it may help the grieving parent from having to put on a defensive mode to justify the grief and actions pertaining to the grief to anyone who doesn't understand. It takes enough energy to grieve. We don't want to have to defend ourselves or construct a path for someone else's understanding or lack of in the midst of our own issues. So hopefully this can help some of you here who are experiencing the compunding issues of misunderstanding by others. The link is.. http://www.athealth.com/consumer/disorders/parentalgrief.html

Cindy, thinking if you as tomorrow comes...

Love and blessings to all! -Claudia

[ronsmom]

Wow Claudia....thank you for sharing that website. It so explains so much, and I have experienced it all. I wish this could be posted in all hospitals, funeral homes, doctors offices etc..people need to be educated so they don't "hurt us" anymore than were already hurting, with no ill will, just ignorance of the surmountable pain we feel........thanks.

blueskies

Bonnie

[peacefulnow]

Thanks to everyone for your kind words. Just knowing that your special thoughts and prayers will be with me on Ian's angel day tomorrow helps so much. I'm taking Ronsmom (Bonnie's) advice and lighting a candle when I wake up. I found a candle called "angel sparkle" at the Yankee Candle shop...perfect name I thought.

So many of us seem to have hit another one of those nasty bumps in the road on this dreadful journey we're one. I'm so sorry. You, and all of your beautiful angels, are in my prayers.

Wishing all of you comfort and peace. Cindy

[eriksmom]

Claudia,

Thanks so much for the article. It is very comprehensive. I have read a couple of books, dozens of articles and lots of websites. I have a friend who is the publisher of many of the books and magazines about grief. I belong to two support groups. So, I could probably write a book about grief myself, but it's actually just one sentence: it is what it is. As hard as you think it's going to be, it won't be that easy. It's just something we all have to plod through. Like a big swamp, one step at a time, until we get to the other side. Unless we get stuck in the middle, which many, many have done. There is a medical term for it - complicated grief - but it means we're stuck; not making any progress. But progress is a strange thing - you only know it in retrospect. You can't tell you've made progress unless you look backward. You never feel, in the midst of grief, that you are going anywhere.

Anyway, I say all this because of something you said in your message: You said you didn't post anything for awhile because you were feeling up and felt guilty about it. One thing I have observed in support groups - online or in person - is that we are all very quick to validate one another: "It's okay to feel horrible". But we aren't as quick to encourage: "You will feel better because right now, I'm feeling better". Maybe it's because we don't seek out support groups when we are doing okay, or maybe we would feel conspicuous amid all the anguish and sadness. But I think it's something we need to do. I know I need to hear that it will get better.

So, I am going to start something and maybe it will catch on and maybe it won't. I am going to share the most positive thing that I experienced in the past day or two: Last night, my son and I went out for a hamburger. I also had a double chocolate malt. We had a good time talking. Then, at home, he helped me download some photos of Erik that I hadn't been able to do. Seeing the photos of Erik reminded me of what a happy guy he was; what a full life he had and how much he was loved. I smiled back at the photos. Boy, am I lucky to have these memories of Erik - that's how I felt. Awhile back, seeing the photos would have brought me to tears. Maybe on another day, they will again. But last night, it made me happy.

So, that's my positive story.

God Bless,

Eriksmom

[heybud]

Eriksmom...GRAND IDEA..in this last 2 weeks I have lived through the one year anniversary of the loss of my son, Christmas, New Years Eve, my oldest boy's birthday on New Year's day, Kelly's birthday yesterday and anniversary of Kelly's memorial (the same day) , and today the remembering that one year ago today, his beautiful body was cremated. I also survived the bittersweet moment of buying a birthday card for my surviving son, while knowing I didn't need one for my youngest son. And all that said....

I also had a wonderful conversation with my oldest boy about the things he is doing, where his life is going, and how he realizes he is only getting one trip on this ride, and he is making the most of it. And he had me laughing out loud...and that was the sweetest moment of the last 2 weeks.

Next?

Kelly's Mom

Lisa

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Eriksmom, You are absolutely right! While I think we all do our best in the moment to encourage one another, pray for one another, etc... we aren't so quick to say, "Hey! I'm having a great day, and you will too..." I found myself treading lightly in my moment because I didn't want to be rejected by seemingly the only people that fully understand me right now; the club in which I now endlessly belong but never dreamed I would join. It's probably one more grief-related insecurity that I haven't seen mentioned anywhere...yet. That probably sounds silly. Nothing feels normal anymore--not even feeling moments of joy... and I snap from joyful to angry to sad in the blink of an eye. It feels like I am losing my mind sometimes. And there is always menopause to look forward to.. oh boy!

My husband gave me a Shitzu puppy in August, just weeks after my son Joey died. I named him JoJo. I feel that by him having Joey's name in some fashion, Joey is tangibky here in a way. JoJo licks my tears, sleeps at my feet (even when I am doing dishes), and is so totally dependent on me for his love and care. He is my "little buddy" that follows me like my shadow. And honestly I don't know what I would have done without him these past four months. He brings me so much joy and light in my darkest moments--a true gift and the best thing my husband could have done for me in this time. A couple of days ago my husband gave JoJo a trim (way too short), and he looks so funny. We are still laughing... and I'm thannkfuk his hair will grow back quickly.

I was involved with a huge missions project over Christmas and the New Year, which was a Godsend for me as much as it was a blessing for those we helped. I had a lot of tears during those two weeks, but also many moments of joy and hope.

Yes! And just when I feel I am making progress, I backslide, so what I see when I look back is mass confusion. I feel for my husband. I get so angry and critical at him, and he's trying hard to be so patient. He's a really good and godly man... Another grief stages I suppose, but an ugly one... it rains a lot here, and then the sun shines once more through the storm.

You summed it up well, my dear friend. "It is what it is!" And I know, the valley is deep. On that wonderful occasion when I can see that mountain peak in the distance, I won't be so hesitant to share. Thank you for your encouragement. Love & blessings, Claudia

[daveydow1]

Peacefulnow, Cindy,

I will be thinking about you tomorrow Jan.6 on

your dear son, Ian's, angel day, and pray

that your memories of dear Ian will provide

comfort for you. Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

For Lisa,

You have survived your son, Kelly's Angel day,

the holidays, and other events in such a short

time, and for that, you deserve a lot of credit.

I know that we have no choice but to survive

these milestones, but you have shown a lot of

strength. Peace & tranquility to you.

4everjoeysmom,

Oh, I agree with you about pets. They are such

a comfort, and I'm glad that you have little

JoJo to help soothe you in your grief. I have

an old cat, Brownie, who comes to me & purrs

and wants petted. Animals have the capacity to

help us tremendously in our times of sorrow.

I know quite a few people here at BI who will

no doubt attest to that fact. All I can say is

bless these animals for their faithfulness and

comfort given to their masters with broken hearts.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[momofjoe]

On 11/16/06 my son Joe, age 25, died in a car accident on his way home from work. I miss him so much. I'd give both my legs to see him & talk to him again for just 5 minutes. Why would God take such a fine, responsible, productive young man at this time in his life? I must admit to you all that I'm very angry with God. I hope to get passed that part but for now I'm darn angry. Please don't judge me for feeling this way. I'm sorry, I had to vent.

[Guest Guest]

MomofJoe,

You have every right to feel the way you do. I used to bargain with God - take anything you want from me, just let me see Erik one more time. But,nothing. I would ask for just a sign from Erik, but nothing. I haven't had a bunch of anger - too sad to be angry most of the time. But, my husband has. He gets very angry at the world.

But you are with compassionate people here. We know how you feel and pray that you have some moments of relief in the upcoming days to keep you going. That's all we can hope for. Some moments without pain.

God bless,

Eriksmom

[4everjoeysmom]

Momofjoe, You are not alone in feeling angry towards God. I'm not angry at God so much now, but for a while I was pretty mad at Him for taking my Joey just 7 days before his 24th birthday. He had so much going for him, and he was so full of hopes and dreams. Now they are all fading. I walk each day with faith and the hope that God promises, but I can't fully understand it on this side of eternity. I am a full time missionary in South America, and had been on the mission field less than three months when my son was taken. I wasn't bargaining with God, but I thought more than once, "Why? I give my life to serve you, far away from my precious children and my family. Why take my son and give me this agony, this anguish, this despair?" But I stopped to consider all of the things God's word says that bring me hope and as much understanding as my finite mind can handle. I consider how I am working in the field to advance God's Kingdom and share the love of Christ with others. And I couldn't possibly do that if I didn't feel there is something greater beyond this life that will make all of this seem like a blink of an eye when I reach eternity. The hard part is the waiting and trying to go on with this big empty hole in my heart that Jesus wants to fill if I let Him. I just don't want to give up any space in my heart that has always been reserved for Joey. And as I feel God nudge me, I pray I can respond in love and worship as He created me to do. It's just so hard... so, no! I could never judge you or anyone for feeling angry at God. It's a very personal relationship we have with our Creator, and in grief, the one(s) closest to us bear the brunt of our emotions. It is God's desire to be the center of our lives, so I'm quite certain He understands our anger... I just thank Him that He is merciful, because my anger isn't perfect as His is. I have to believe there is a reason bigger than I know for why Joey was wanted there with God before he reached old age. I am a firm believer that our days are numbered before we are born and it's all part of a greater plan. I know one day I will understand the reasoning, but for now all I have that is unfailing and unfading is God, angry or not. And He is always there for me. My loss is Heaven's gain...

Praying for you... Love, Claudia

[heybud]

Momofjoe..we've all been there. It ebbs and flows. Someone told me that God already knows your'e mad, and he's got big shoulders, he can handle it. Be kind to your self. I have been mad at God, at my son, stangers, loved ones...you name it, I tried it. At the end of the day, he's still gone. And I learning to deal and accept and hate it. Such an awful walk you are walking. I am so sorry. My Kelly was 10 days from 19, and I miss him so.

Kelly's Mom,

Lisa

[mamabets]

For All~ Angry at God, angry at life, angry.. just plain angry!!! ALL NORMAL, and the sooner you can get through "angry" stage, the closer you can get to the fond, beautiful memory stage. Does the hurt ever get easier? I kind of doubt it, but what does happen, my dear friends, is that the hurt can be surrounded by the beauty that these kids brought into our lives- AND, LOL, for all of you that don't have a JoJo or a Brownie, GO GET 4 of them like me!!!! I have 4 doxies and they check up on me 24 hours a day!! I love you all!! xoxomamabets

[kathy714]

Dear Cindy,you will be in my thoughts and prayers on your son's angel day.peace be with you today ,and try to remember the beautiful memories....T/C Kathy,Nates mom 4 ever

[kathy714]

Hi Everyone,i worked the last 3 days and i miss so much when i don't get to read the post everyday,I do want to address, the angry at God issue,I remember when my son Nate passed,i told my husband i think i am losing my faith in god,and his answer to me was"Kathy,you can't,God gave us Nathan for 21 years"Nathan passed on his 21st birthday,and he was right Nate was a gift,a gift from God,and i also believe there is a plan layed even before we are born,and when we have completed our work here on earth we go home to god,and we become complete,no more suffering,no more hurt...That doesn't mean i understand gods reason for taking Nathan ,now,at this young age,and i still sometimes feel angry at god ,but i do know it is out of my hands and it is all a power greater than me ,and i have no control over it..I still miss Nate everyday,and i still cry,almost everyday,sometimes 3x a day,i just pray and wait for the day when we will be together again....ALSO about dogs,we have Nate's blind pit bull,who was left here by a friend of Nate's about 4 years ago,and when Nate passed this dog went into such a depression,wouldn't eat just slept,and now I love this dog so much,she is the sweetest dog i ever had,and she is so tame i never seen anything like it....T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[mamabets]

For Peacefulnow~ It doesn't seem possible that our Ian has been with all of our angels now for a year, but "peaceful" I am sure he is. I only wish that our always knowing this, would make it bearable all of the time. God Bless you today, Cindy, and know that we are all right by your side, always. I love you~ xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Peacefulnow~ It doesn't seem possible that our Ian has been with all of our angels now for a year, but "peaceful" I am sure he is. I only wish that our always knowing this, would make it bearable all of the time. God Bless you today, Cindy, and know that we are all right by your side, always. I love you~ xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Peacefulnow~ It doesn't seem possible that our Ian has been with all of our angels now for a year, but "peaceful" I am sure he is. I only wish that our always knowing this, would make it bearable all of the time. God Bless you today, Cindy, and know that we are all right by your side, always. I love you~ xoxomamabets

[momofjoe]

Thank you to all that have replied. I'm new here as you know. I needed to seek out people like me. I've found so many similarities to my life & experience. I've found other's whose son's are named Joe, I've found people that tell me that being angry at God right now is ok (thank you for that), I've found someone who's son passed on right before their birthday, as my son was killed a few weeks before his 26th birthday & even found someone who loves & has doxie's as I do. My loving dachsund Jewel has been great comfort to me. Your words, my new dear friends have comforted me. Thank you. Mary Jo

[lorismom]

For Momofjoe ~ Mary Jo ~ I am so sorry for the loss of your dear son, Joe. I, too, lost my daughter in a car accident. And in the beginning, my husband and I felt a lot of anger just as you are now feeling. It is a normal part of the grieving process. I'm glad that you found this wonderful site. There is a lot of love and support on this forum, so please feel welcome to read or post anytime you need to. Peace to you. Patty

[alwaysmyjennifer]

I've been through a lot of difficulties this winter. Dealing with Jenni's death has been depressing. Caring for my wife has had its moments, both bad and good. Exhaustion has been a common theme for me, nearly hospitalizing me on a few occasions. I still feel some sadness when I think of Jenni's mother, who took her own life seven months after Jenni was killed. Perhaps this should be normal. After all, she is my child's mother, even though we meant nothing to each other. This is going to be the year I visit Jenni's place. I need to. This is for me, for a father. Still, my life isn't a pile of depression, as my younger daughter shall be married later in the year. We are all very happy for her, and enjoying our little plans for her day. Bets, got some news back about that stuff I wrote you. We'll talk later. Here's to a great 07 for you all. May you find peace and comfort along the journey. Mark, Jenni's dad

[daveydow1]

Momofjoe,

I am sorry for your loss of your dear son, Joe.

It is so normal to have anger after such a

devastating loss. My son, Davey age (31) also

died in a highway wreck 6/14/03. I was angry

for some time, and still am sometimes. Pets are

so much comfort with their loving, patient, and

undemanding ways. I'm glad you have a nice little

doxie to comfort you in your sorrow. Please come

back to BI and read/post whenever you feel up to

it. You will find that everyone here wants to help

by being good listeners, and understanding your pain.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Claudia,

I agree that we are predestined to have a certain

amount of time here on earth. My dear Dad told me

this as he was battling terminal cancer. He has

since passed on over 10 yrs. ago, but he had always

said that "when it's your time to go, you will pass

on". You are right, we here on earth are not meant to

understand everything that happens to us. My prayers

are for you in your time of sorrow for the loss of

your dear son, and for your work in the missionary

field. Peace be with you. Sherry

Kathy714,

I'm glad your son, Nate's pet dog is a comfort to you.

She is such a part of Nate that she brings you peace.

That's how I feel about our cat. While she is considered

a 'family' pet, Davey liked all pets, and enjoyed Brownie.

So many people with troubles and sorrows have said that

they don't know what they would do without the love and

companionship of their pets. I believe God gave us pets,

(animals of any kind) to help us through this world.

Peace & Light to you. Sherry

Alwaysmyjennifer,Mark,

Peace and prayers for you and your wife. Angel Jenny

will be looking down as your other daughter marries

and starts a new chapter in her life. I think that all

of our angel's light shines down on us.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[momofjoe]

My son Joe died in an car accident on 11/16/06. There still hasn't been an inquest because of problems with the reconstruction of the accident report. This is waying really heavy on my hubby & I. Insurance companies are calling constantly but since we don't have a death certificate yet, we can't send them what they need. I'm yelling at the phone, when I see an insurance company calling "Leave me alone!". Also, on Joe's truck there was a black box, which tells what happened right before the accident. The attorney we hired has failed to go & get the black box as of yet. grrrrrrrrr. My husband is getting angry because we're wondering what the black box has to say since Joe's airbag never did go off in his truck. There's so much to think about. The paperwork is neverending. Just needed to share this with you this morning. Mary Jo

[isabelle]

MomofJoe,

I am so very sorry for your loss. My son, Ray, was killed in a single vehicle auto accident on 10/09/03. He was 22 years old and my everything. Like you, we have no idea what happened. Ray was wearing a seatbelt and was killed, his passenger was not wearing a seatbelt and he walked away with a broken arm.

As for your attorney. If he is not doing what you expect him to do, you could get another lawyer, or report him to the local bar association. Every state has a Bar Association and connected to it is the Disciplinary Board - even in Canada. If you mentioned disciplinary board to him, it might just get him moving.

Again, so very sorry. Please know that you will never walk the path of grief alone.

Elizabeth,

Ray'sMom

[rhonda68]

Mark I was reading your post and felt really bad about Jenni's mother as I know what she must have been going threw. Everyday is such a fight to stay here. I am really going threw some bad times. It seems every where i turn people are just ignorant and i dont want to be around them. I am having a very hard time dealing with this just cant stand worldly people. The holidays,the death of my cousins baby have just made me slide way back again. Also knowing my other son will be leaving in 6 months is playing on my mind (What am I suppose to do with my LIFE????)I hate it! Also I am very sorry you are going threw hard times as well.

Does anyone else here feel like I do or have I just gone really NUTS, am I normal am I abnormal I dont know anymore?

Richards Mom

[4everjoeysmom]

Rhonda, You are NOT nuts! I think all of us here have been fed up with insensitivity. Myself, I feel like I might one day be making progress, and the very next I feel like I am backsliding into a huge black hole. Sometimes from one minute to the next... I don't know what is "normal" anymore. All I know is my life will never be complete here. I have lots to keep me busy, but it only helps when I feel motivated. Lots of times I don't even want to breathe, let alone think. The one thing I want so badly I can't have, and that's my Joey back. It's so paralyzing.

MomofJoe, I am left with so many questions on my son Joey's death. The investigation was half, if that, of what it should have been. The inquest ruled "undetermined" cause of death, and the investigator said that ruling was better than other outomes could have been--such as suicide or homicide--like that stupid remark was supposed to bring comfort. Joey was a college student and maintained his own insurance, which he decided to cash in the policy months before he died because he felt he needed the money more than the insurance. No one at 23 expects to die. Beyond that, everything of Joey's financial situation (student loans, bank account, credit card, etc) was in limbo and hinged on the ruling of death to determine whether or not it would be exsponged or whatever. I basically sorted through all of the paperwork and called all of them to tell them Joey died and they would get a copy of the death certificate when it is available, "to make a note of it and do NOT call me back before they receive it". One representative even said to me, "Well! Someone has to pay for it!", and never did say I'm sorry for your loss. "Worldy people", as Rhonda put it, is such a good description. You just have to be firm with the callers that are being pests. Tell them don't call you, you will call them IF it becomes neccessary. My son's inquest was almost three months after his death (3 days before my birthday--what a gift), and there was so much left unanswered. When Joey's dad tried to ask a question, the judge just said it wasn't the time to raise questions... hmmm. A closed case with missing links all over the place. But none of that matters now. All that matters is Joey is gone and how I will find the strength to go on...?

So many of us here have so many things in common where details are concerned. But the most significant common denominator is that we all suffer great pain and loss, and no one can change it, help it, fix it, and certainly not understand it unless they've been through it themselves. Unfortunately there will always be insensitivity from people everywhere who just can't grasp what we've been through and what has changed our lives for the rest of our lives.

Today I am struggling... and it does help being able to come here. Thank you all. God bless you all. Love, Claudia