Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmomrs]

To all of the wonderful people who come to BI, those who are new and those who have been walking this journey for a while, I wish you peace tomorrow, peace and good memories to sustain you and bring you through this holiday. Thank you so much for the strength you have provided to me since I was led to this site, for reaching out and for being there. I love you all, and you are all in my prayers. Carol, mikesmomrs

[xxordinaryxxgirlxx]

Thank you all very much for all the help.

I caught him crying this morning, because today is my birthday, my 1st birthday without her here.

I gave him a hug, and then it seemed like everything was okay.

Thanks for the help.

[robsmom]

i just want to wish all of you peace tomorrow. i know nothing will be the same but i guess we just have to try to go on with the holiday for the rest of our families. i will be thinking of all of you... lorraine-robsmom

[namarella]

Erik's mom, I've had a couple "lucid" dreams of my son, Eric (who was 23 - almost 24 when he died January 14, 2006). In the first dream I asked him if I could hug him as I didn't know if he was substantial or not, and he said "sure" and I gave him a big hug. I was thinking he felt kind of skinny and was going to tell him he needed to eat more, but then thought how funny that was since he probably doesn't need to eat at all where he is. I do think our kids send these vivid dreams to us as a way to let us know they're okay, they're still thinking of us and will always be with us. Of course it doesn't make up for them not being physically with us, but I find that it does help somehow. Everything you all say resonates so much with me...friends are well-meaning, but they really can't know what it's like. It's good to come here and know that I'm not alone, and I'll take it on faith that it gets better (or at least less painful).

[lorismom]

To my BI family - It has been a while since I’ve posted, but I do read everyday and my thoughts are always with you. I just wanted to wish you all a peaceful Thanksgiving. November 23rd is also my dear Lori’s birthday. She would have been 37 years old tomorrow. As much as I miss her, I am thankful for the 34 years that I was blessed to have her in my life. Peace and comfort to you all. Patty

[rhonda68]

THANKSGIVING WAS...

Thanksgiving was always an easy holiday. Unlike Christmas, there was no pressure of giving just the right gift. Thanksgiving Day was a day of family gatherings and good food. Late that afternoon, we would return home full from over eating and satisfied that our family relationships were intact. It is also a day that we are reminded of all that we have to be thankful for.

We are supposed to be thankful for our health, our families, our comfortable life, etc. The death of a child changes our perceptions. When the family gathers around the Thanksgiving dinner table, I now see a missing plate that no one else sees. (Of course, when I say "no one", I exclude Bren and Kim. I’m sure they see, hear and wish what I do, although probably at different times.) When the nieces and nephews are laughing or crying, I hear a voice that no one else hears. When a family member recounts a story about something his or her child did last week, I wish I had a story to tell.

We still have much to be thankful for, and we should remember that. But, now, Thanksgiving Day has an additional observance for those of us who are bereaved. It is a day of forgiveness also. We must forgive others who cannot acknowledge the missing child, for whatever reasons. If family and friends cannot understand us, then we must try to understand them, especially on holidays. If we can exhibit tolerance, forgiveness and understanding on a day on which we

offer thanks, we can climb another step on our ladder to recovery.

Hope you have a forgiving Thanksgiving.

Jim Hobbs

BP/USA Denton TX

~reprinted from East Central Indiana, Miami - Whitewater TCF Newsletter Nov/Dec 2002

------------------------------------

Thanksgiving Isn’t What it Used to Be!

We realize it is so hard for some of us to be thankful for anything when our child has died. But we hope we can all say a prayer of Thanks for the very precious time we were allotted to spend with our child, because it was the most important time of our lives. Their lives here gave our lives meaning. If we had not had them at all, we would not have known the true joy of living. They were a precious gift from Heaven, and they had so much to give and blessed our

lives. We feel they are still giving to us and are still blessing our lives. The love between parents and children just goes on and on. THEY TAUGHT US THAT. So let us lift up our eyes and our hearts and say, "Thank you," this Thanksgiving.

Lee and Verna Smith, TCF, Fort Worth, TX

~reprinted from East Central Indiana, Miami - Whitewater TCF Newsletter Nov/Dec 2002

[messenger]

HI ALL..I JUST TYPED A LONG REPLY AND IT WENT FLYING.....SOMEWHERE......OUT THERE IN SPACE!!! SO I WILL TRY TO STAY AWAKE AND TRY TO REMEMBER SOME OF WHAT I SAID...

I WANTED TO SAY I WILL BE THINKING OF YOU ALL TODAY......AND WISHING YOU A THANKSGIVING FILLED WITH PEACE....................I TOTALLY AGREE WITH MUCH OF WHAT I HAVE READ BELOW...RHONDA68...ETC.....AND XXXORDINARYXXGIRLXX....I HOPE YOU WERE ABLE TO FIND SOME PEACE ON YOUR BIRTHDAY......SOUNDS LIKE YOU AND YOUR DAD...WERE ABLE TO BOND..TODAY...I AM SO GLAD.......I KNOW IT HAD TO BE HARD ON YOU..MY 50TH WAS MY FIRST WITH OUT MY SON.

I WANTED TO SAY...I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR EACH AND EVERYONE I HAVE MET AND YET TO MEET ON BEYOND INDIGO...YOU ARE SUCH BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE AND TRUELY ....UNDERSTANDING ...NOT EXPECTING US TO GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON WITH OUR LIVES..LIKE THE NORM.........I TRUELY BELIEVE..OUR LOVED ONES ARE THE ONES THAT LED US HERE TO THIS SITE..THINK ABOUT IT..........WHY DID YOU CLICK ON HERE?? PROBABLY.......WAS..YOUR LOVED ONE...WANTING YOU TO FIND COMFORT AND PEACE..

WE WILL ALL BE MISSING OUR LOVED ONE AT THE TABLE TO DAY..BUT KNOW..THEY ARE THERE.....WE JUST CANT SEE THEM...........

YOU ARE ALL IN MY PRAYERS

MESSENGER

[kathy714]

Hi I hope you all find a little peace today,I want to say thank you to everyone at B.I.,this has really helped me during my darkest times these last 22 monthes,since i loss Nathan,when i think back at how i found this site,i bet it was Nathan who led me here.I Hope everyone's Thanksgivng is peaceful,and think of all the beautiful memories of our little angels,You will all be in my thoughts,and

[ashleysmom]

Happy birthday in Heaven to Lori!

To all, May your holiday be peaceful. May you be able to give thanks for the precious time we had with our Children. It is so hard to sit with people who just have no idea what it is like to be able to watch as others take for granted the special times with their children. Rhonda, thank you for sharing. Forgiving those who just don't get it is a very healthy thing to do or it would just tear at our souls.

You all are always in my prayers, but today, special prayers for peace, Love, Dottie

[julsmom]

Patty - may you find some peace and comfort today on Lori's birthday.

To all my friends at BI - a blessed and comforting Thanksgiving. Thanks for the support and love that is here each time I logon. I know that here are people who understand my pain, my anguish, my sorrow and will not judge me but will lift me up and help me through. I am grateful for this community.

Thanks to Rhonda68 for the postings from CF.

An other note - my husband is home from hospital for a week now, tired, but recuperating and for that I am extremely grateful.

Peace to all, Lynda

[robsmom]

ERIKSMOM;

I SINCERELY HOPE ALL GOES WELL FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY TODAY. I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO BELIEVE THAT OUR BOYS WILL NOT BE SITTING AT THE TABLE WITH US AND PRAYING TO GOD THAT THIS DOES GET BETTER BECAUSE HOW CAN ANYTHING BE WORSE THAN THIS. BUT I'VE BEEN TOLD BY FRIENDS OF MINE THAT HAVE LOST CHILDREN THAT IN TIME IT DOES. I GUESS WE'LL SEE. I'LL BE THINKING OF YOU.

OXOXOX LORRAINE-ROBSMOM

[mamabets]

For All~ I give thanks each and every day for the peace that I have found in all of you. You so willingly sharing this part of your journey with me. My Danny and my Jackie, both, in their own very unique ways thank you as well... You have held me up so many times, and I know the courage that it takes... I know all of you well, I have been where all of you have been and are, and I pray for the day that we will ALL be able to gently bow our heads and smile... For the good times, we will feel our angels smile with us~ Happy Thansgiving and always remember that I love ALL of you~ xoxomamabets

[mom2angels]

{{{Friends}}}~

My thoughts and prayers are with each of you today, as I ask God to grant you peace and comfort. I echo all of the loving messages here today, and I give thanks for every one of you for your caring, understanding, support and friendship.

I have no doubt that our precious angels are beside us at our gatherings, at our tables, in our homes, and forever in our hearts. They too give thanks today for us, for our abiding love for them, and for all that we gave to them while they were here on Earth. They must be giving thanks as well that we found each other to lean on and to lift up. I believe that they want us to find as much joy as we possibly can through our sorrow, especially on holidays, which are so difficult for us.

This is our fourth Thanksgiving without Michael's physical presence, and while we still miss him deeply, the pain isn't as overwhelming or severe as it was the first and second year. So, hold tight dear friends, and trust that each day you will find your way toward healing.

Patty ~ Praying for peace and serenity for you on Lori's 37th birthday today. May warm memories of your sweet daughter wrap around you like a cozy blanket and bring you comfort.

Lynda ~ So happy to hear that your husband is home and recovering. Praying for his complete healing.

Thanksgiving blessings to everyone ~ my candle is glowing for you ~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[daveydow1]

Lorismom--Patty,

Happy Birthday to sweet Lori in Heaven.The

light & love she sends will be with you always.

To All,

I will echo all that you have said so well here--

I know that we are all thankful for many things,

and most of all--thankful for the time we had here

on earth with our beloved children who now belong

to Heaven and eternity. Peace to all.

Daveysmom---Sherry

[rhonda68]

I would just like to thank all of you here for writing a message in my sons guest book the memorial web page I made for him. It means so much!

Richards Mom

[robsmom]

WELL WE GOT THROUGH THE DAY. I THINK I GOT THROUGH IT BY THINKING THAT HE WAS JUST WITH JODY'S FAMILY (HIS GIRLFRIEND). THAT IT WAS JUST ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER DINNER. KERRI DID A BEAUTIFUL JOB WITH DINNER AND EVERYTHING WAS JUST DELICIOUS. JACK (MY GRANDSON)WAS IN RARE FORM. 16 MONTHS OLD WITH MORE ENERGY THAN ANY OF THE SIX ADULTS THAT WERE AT DINNER.

TODAY IS KIND OF A LET DOWN. BECAUSE NOW I'M WAITING TO SEE HIM. TO HEAR HOW HIS DINNER WENT. MY HUSBAND WOKE UP ABOUT 1:00PM AND WAS BACK IN BED BY 2 SAYING HE HAD TO GO BACK TO BED HE DID'T FEEL TOO WELL AND REALLY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS WRONG WITH HIM. I KNOW WHATS WRONG HE'S DEPRESSED BUT I CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO HELP HIM BECAUSE HALF THE TIME I'M IN THE SAME BOAT. I PUSH MYSELF TO GET UP AND STAY UP AND DO SOMETHING EVEN IF ITS JUST SITTING IN FRONT OF THE TV. EMOTIONALLY HE IS NOT A VERY STRONG PERSON AND NEVER HAS BEEN IN THAT DEPARTMENT. BUT THIS HAS REALLY PUSHED HIM OVER THE EDGE. HE'S AGED TERRIBLY AND SOMETIMES I FEEL AS THOUGH I'M LEADING HIM AROUND TELLING HIM WHAT TO DO AND WHEN TO DO IT THE WAY YOU WOULD A VERY OLD MAN. SOMETIMES I REALLY FEEL AS THOUGH I'M GOING OUT OF MY MIND.

THANKS FOR LISTENING.

ROBSMOM-LORRAINE

[daveydow1]

Robsmom, Lorraine,

I'm sorry you had a hard time on Thanksgiving. I

think that all of us felt the same. One just can't

help feeling blue. I especially feel bad for the

parents here (and anywhere) who have lost a child

recently and are going through the "firsts" without

their beloved son or daughter. You mentioned that

you can't help your husband with depression because

you are in the same boat. I feel that way also. Some-

times, my husband just seems lost in his own thoughts.

I guess I'm like that also at times. Time DOES help--

because the pain is softened. Wish I could say anything

to help you. Just know that you are in my thoughts and

Prayers. Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[lorismom]

For Dottie, Lynda, Roslyn and Sherry - Just wanted to thank you for your kind words and birthday wishes for Lori. It meant so much to me. As it was also Thanksgiving Day, my husband and I had a lovely dinner at a nearby restaurant that was having a buffet. Afterwards we went for a walk in our favorite park. We always feel as though we connect with Lori when we’re out walking as she loved nature so much. Thank you again for your love and support. Patty

[Guest Guest]

Robsmom, Lorraine,

I'm sorry you had a hard time on Thanksgiving. I

think that all of us felt the same. One just can't

help feeling blue. I especially feel bad for the

parents here (and anywhere) who have lost a child

recently and are going through the "firsts" without

their beloved son or daughter. You mentioned that

you can't help your husband with depression because

you are in the same boat. I feel that way also. Some-

times, my husband just seems lost in his own thoughts.

I guess I'm like that also at times. Time DOES help--

because the pain is softened. Wish I could say anything

to help you. Just know that you are in my thoughts and

Prayers. Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[mamabets]

For All~ I am with you ALL by heart... I am just having a hard time "breathing"- This grief has knocked me on my knees- I have made enough progress to know that I will rally again, but in the meantime. I am just rolling with it... The tears are HOT again, and I just want all of you to know that I am checking on you everyday. A special Happy Birthday wish to our Lorie and I will find something beautiful for our garden just for her, OK?? Bear with me- This one threw me for a loop... I love you all!! xoxoxomamabets

[messenger]

MAMABETS,,,,,I AM SO SORRY YOU ARE HAVING A HARD TIME RIGHT NOW.............PLEASE KNOW I AM PRAYING FOR YOU AND LIFTING YOU UP AS YOU READ THIS...........YOU WILL BE SUCCESSFUL AGAIN IN COMING OUT...OF THIS PERIOD OF GRIEF...........IT HITS US ALL.........WHEN WE LEAST EXPECT IT......BUT I KNOW YOU WILL BE ON THE UPHILL SWEEP SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVE YOU

MESSENGER

[mikesmomrs]

To Lorismom: So glad to hear that you were able to go through Lori's birthday on Thanksgiving with such love and support between you and your husband. Lori's birthday falling on Thanksgiving day must have made the day extra special, even though it was also extra hard, but such a nice day to honor her birthday. God bless! Carol--Mikesmomrs

[mikesmomrs]

Mamabets: Thinking of you during this tough time for you. Our prayers and strength go out to you as you find your way through this valley. We know you will rally again, and you will get that strength from the wonderful memories of your Danny and the positive thoughts being sent to you by all of us. You have been through a lot recently, worrying about Jackie and Sweet Caroline, and Cody...worries like that tend to sap our emotional strength. But know that we are all thinking of you, caring for you, and lifting you up with our prayers and thoughts. so much love to you, dear woman, from all of us! Mikesmomrs, Carol

[mikesmomrs]

To all: Sherry, Lynda, Patty, Lorraine, Kathy, Rhonda, Mamabets, Roslyn, Kathy714, Laurie (both), Mark, and all of us who had to face the "empty chair" on Thanksgiving day...how hard it was! Those of us who have been facing this for the first time, as well as those who have already had their "first," thank God we got through it, and please God give us all added strength to face the coming holiday season. May we be able to draw on all of our good memories of our loved one and find our peace in this season of love and peace. I know that this is going to be a tough month, and I am so thankful I found BI when I did. thank you all. Our son's wife and baby (almost 2 yo) visited today, and it is so bittersweet to have them here; a wonderful joy, but yet such a feeling of sorrow when they walk in alone. Our grandson has just learned to say "daddy" and when he looks at the pictures of his daddy here, he smiles and says "da-dee." If you ask him where daddy is, he puts his little hand over his heart, and pats his chest and smiles. We are so blessed to have him, with his sweet baby love. Our own loss is so great, but to know this child will not know his dad just breaks our hearts! We will continue to keep the memory alive for him as much as we can, but he is only 2! Have any of you had to deal with this particular aspect?

My love to all, Mikesmomrs, Carol

[kathy714]

Dear Mamabets,i hope everything is ok,i am so sorry you are having such a hard time righht now,this happens to me alot,after a holiday or big event,i think i get myself so worked up worring about how i am going to handle it,then the day comes,and i think,Oh that wasn't so bad,but the next day it sneaks up and knocks me down for weeks after. I am having a very hard time,i feel very unorganized,and very anxious about work,ijust don't want to be there,i have no desire to deal with christmas this year,worst this year than last.I WILL be thinking of you and you will be in my prayers...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Dear Mikesmomrs,I am so glad you had a nice visit from your daughter=in law and grandchild,and i think i understand how you felt during their visit,even when some of Nate's close friends come to visit[which isn't to often] i feel this ache in my heart,i know it is tough for them to come visit,not that it really compares to a wife and baby,but is still get that bittersweet feeling,also my grandaughter,who is 3 now,looks at pictures of Nathan,and will say uncle Nate,but she was so young ,i wonder if she reallly remembers him ,i feel so sad because i know Nate would really be enjoyng her now,because he always loved kids.I am sure your son's baby will always have a special place in his heart for his daddy..T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[kathy714]

Dear Robsmom,My husband is the same way,when he gets depressed he sleeps all day,i really don't think he even realizes it is depression,he just thinks he is sick.When Nate firsted passed John was on Chemo,and some weeks he would be ok and others he would sleep alll weekend,

[lorismom]

For Mamabets - Betsy - I am so sorry that you are having a difficult time right now. Try to take some time out just for you…….even just a bubble bath with some soft music and candles can lift our spirits. And thank you for the birthday wish for Lori and finding something for your garden for her. A couple of days ago, my husband and I worked on Lori’s little garden. It is doing really well as we have it in a sunny spot right next to our house. So, you take care and just know that there is lots of love being sent to you from your family at BI.

For Mikesmomrs - Carol - Thank you also for you kind words and I just wanted to welcome you to this wonderful community and to say that I am deeply sorry for the loss of your dear son, Mike. I’m always heartbroken to see new people just starting out on this journey. So, please feel welcome to read/post anytime you need to and I hope it will bring you comfort and peace in the days ahead.

Peace and love to you all,

Patty

[daveydow1]

Mikesmomrs,

It is nice that your daughter-in-law brought your

dear baby grandson over on Thanksgiving. What a

touching thing that the baby says "da-dee", and

places his tiny hand on his chest and pats. How

utterly sweet and bittersweet at the same time.

You and the baby's mother will always keep Mike's

memory alive for his little son. My son, David,

was single when he was killed, so we don't have

a child of his. He was our only son, so our

family name is finished (my husband was an only son

also). When the little boy is older, you can carry

on with telling him about his father and keeping

Mike's memory alive. Take care, and peace be with you.

[levismama]

I may not be doing this right. My son age 27 was killed nov 14. He was handling a handgun, getting ready for deer season and it went off. He was a firefighter, very happy, planning his wedding. His fiancee is an RN and tried to save him. I hurt so bad. Everybodys gone. I feel like I am going crazy. I want to go be with him.

[lorismom]

For Levismama - I am so sorry for the loss of your dear son. As it has only been a little over a week since his accident, the pain is so very raw for you at this time. I lost my daughter in a car accident 2 ½ years ago and in the beginning I felt just as you do. I just wanted to go and be with her, but please stay with us. The pain will not always be this intense. We are all at different stages of the grieving process on this forum and we will try to help you as best we can. Take care, Patty

[Guest Guest]

Levismama,

I am praying for you. I feel your pain. Everyone on this site knows what you are going through. First, it's not fair. Your precious son is gone and you're still here and that doesn't feel fair because that's not how it's supposed to happen. But it did, and you will get through this. You will take one breath at a time, one step at a time and you will get through this. There will be times you want to die, but your time isn't now. Your son wouldn't have been the man he was if you weren't a strong, loving and resourceful mother. You will get through this. Write us often. We care.

Eriksmom

[mikesmomrs]

Levismom: I am so very sorry to hear of your son's passing. My heart aches for you. I am fairly new to this as well, as my son passed on October 14th, after a long, courageous battle with brain cancer. BI was a Godsend for me. People here are all traveling the same painful road, and our hearts ache for you and the pain you are suffering over the loss of your precious son. Please continue to come to BI. You don't have to write if you don't feel up to it, just read. It brings comfort. We are all praying for you, and we will continue to be here for you. We truly care about you. God bless you. Mikesmomrs, Carol

[kathy714]

Dear Levismom,i am so sorry about the loss of your son,my heart goes out to you and his fiancee.the loss of your son is so recent,it is normal to feel lost and feel like you are going crazy,i am still having those feelings,it will be two years in jan,I loss my son Nathan on his 21st birthday,a detective came to my house that morning and told my husband and i that they just found Nathan under a van,it was only 10 degrees that night.As the others said keep coming to BI,even if it's just to read the post,everyone here is so kind and understanding ,we all understand,we all feel the same grief,you will be in my prayers...Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[mamabets]

ForLevismama~ I am so sory to hear about the loss of your son. My son departed for the other side in June of 2004. Our lives will never be the same~ How can they be? Please, keep coming to Beyond Indigo- There are all different stories of loss, and stories of hope as well. Losing a child is life's hardest blow, and yours has happened so recently~ These feelings that you are having are completely normal, having a child die is not, so therefore to think that you are losing your mind is to be expected. This is all just way beyond our comprehension. God Bless you and your family and please keep coming back. Know that your son is with you still, just in a different way, and in a way that is just as beautiful and flawless as you would hope and pray for him. I love you and admire the courage that it took to reach out. Feel free to email me at huntross4@aol.com if I can be of any help. xoxomamabets

[daveydow1]

Levismama,

I am so very sorry for your loss of your dear son Levi.

As others here have said, this is such a recent tragedy,

and to feel like you are going crazy is the way we all

feel at only 2 wks. I am 3 and a half yrs. along on this

rough journey--my son, David, was killed 6/14/03. Finding

this site has been a lifesaver for me whenever I felt like

I did not want to live without my son. Just come back to

BI and read/post whenever you can. We have all expressed

many emotions here at BI----Anger, fear, hopelessness, and

all the other roller coaster feelings, and everyone under-

stands, for we are all here for the same reason. Please

come back. Peace be with you.

[julsmom]

levismama - I just want to echo want has already been said. My 27 y/o daughter died 10/13/03 in a one car crash. I read more than I post at this time, but it was so helpful in the beginning to have somewhere to go to be with others. May you find peace. Lynda

[levismama]

My husband goes back to work tomarrow. It is the first time I will be alone since Nov 14th. Please pray for me,I don't know if I can handle it.

[Guest Guest]

Levismama,

The first day you are alone will be hard. We will pray for you. My husband went back to work a few days before I did. I ended up calling him in the middle of the day, begging him to come home, which he did. Whether it's tomorrow or the day after, you will have to face that day at some point and we all will be thinking of you. Please let us know how it goes. And don't forget that you won't really be alone. Talk to Levi. Ask for his help in getting you through the day. It works.

Eriksmom

[mamabets]

For Levismama~ I am a stay at home wife, and the opposite was true in my case- I became frozen in fear, unable to go anywhere. Just be extra gentle to yourself, please, and know that I can call you anytime to help you if you want to email me your phone number. I am at huntross4@aol.com. I love you~ xoxomamabets

[mikesmomrs]

Today has been such a terrible day. This would have been my son and daughter-in-law's 2nd wedding anniversary. We never, never, ever thought that when he got his cancer diagnosis last year, that he would not make it even to his 2nd wedding anniversary. I feel so badly for his wife; having her husband ripped from her life so soon after they started their lives together. She is not allowing herself to "feel" anything about this day. she has shut this day off. I called her to check on her, and she told me she is going to "go do laundry." She has had breakdowns in the past, and I fear that this will all just come crashing down on her. It has certainly come crashing down on me...I had to pick up something at the store tonight after work, and coming home I took a wrong turn, and then when I tried to correct my direction, I took another wrong turn, and wound up over 20 miles in the opposite direction from where I should have been heading! I just lost it, and cried and cried. I called my husband, and he talked to me on the phone until I got in the right direction, but then I had to drive home in the dark, almost 60 miles, and it was raining. For some reason, since my son's passing, I truly hate being out in the dark, even if I am with someone, never mind being alone. I just concentrated on breathing, because I didn't know if I could. I finally made it home, thank God. These days are so hard, wedding anniversaries, the holidays, etc. I just freeze up when I am out after dark. Have any of you ever experienced this? I feel as though I am the only person in the world, even though there are many people around me, and I feel completely surrounded by the pain of losing our son. My heart is numb. I'm sorry, I hate to pile my sorrow onto all of you, but there is no one else to talk to, who truly understands, and I am hurting so much right now. thank you. Mikesmomrs, Carol

[mamabets]

For mikesmomrs~ OH MY YES~ I felt "lost" with you as I read your post tonight, Carol!! You are not losing it, and feeling lost is being lost- We are thrown into the unknown when this happens and the unknown is as lost as any one person can be. I can't stress that enough! I am still lost- We all are, so just keep coming here to vent all that you need to because we all get it here, all of it, all of the time. I got so lost once that I became afraid to leave home for weeks!! Then, last week my mom was here and we got lost and I must admit that we laughed so hard that we cried- Had I been alone??? Forget it!! Sheer panic would have set in!!! And ,detours?? Dear God- I see a detour and I head in the opposite direction, as in for HOME ASAP after the quick "U-eee"!!! I love you~ xoxomamabets

[messenger]

DEAR CAROL...............I AM SO VERY SORRY YOU ARE HAVING SUCH A BAD TIME RIGHT NOW~~~ KNOW WE ALL HERE ...ARE HERE TO HELP YOU AND ENCOURAGE YOU....IT IS REALLY HARD THIS TIME OF YEAR...BUT WHAT WOULD MIKE WANT YOU TO DO?? THAT IS WHAT I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT WHAT WOULD JAMES WANT US TO DO...GIVE UP...NOT DECORATE..............NO...........KEEP GOING AND DECORATE...THIS IS HIS FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR AND BELIEVE ME..HE IS ALWAYS ON MY MIND EVERY SECOND..I HOPE HIS WIFE.....CAN TALK WITH SOMEONE..MAYBE SOMEONE ON HERE???I DO THINK THE PEOPLE HERE ARE SINCERE AND HAVE BEEN THRU IT SO THEY CAN GIVE HEALTHY ADVICE...WE DO HAVE A LOT OF SIMILARITIES!! SORRY I HAVE BEEN SO BUSY ..TRYING TO KEEP SELF FROM THINKING TOO MUCH OF SON...

KNOW YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND AND HIS WIFE...WILL BE IN MY PRAYERS CAROL..

I AM HERE WHENEVER YOU NEED ME

MESSENGER...GERI

[Guest Guest]

I am new here today. My firstborn, Joey, was taken from me on 7/31/06 at 12:17 am, just 7 days before he would have turned 24. I still have my beloved Patrick who turned 23 on 8/10, and he too grieves the loss of his only sibling. We all got through the memorial service and the numbness has helped me to get through the days, as well as my faith in the Lord and that Joey is with Him. But over the past few days following Thanksgiving I have been a mess. Sometimes I feel like I am being swallowed up. I hold onto pictures, memories and little keepsakes, but it’s just not enough. I miss my baby so much. I’ve been reading up on grief and I found this family. The night of my son’s death he was out partying with some people that were his summer-fun group, much different than his regular friends. They had been out all afternoon and evening and ended up at a country bar where Joey had been denied service, which was a good thing. But after having just bought a round for the group he decided to walk home while they all stayed—Joey was not driving. No one went after him—imagine that! Hours later his dad was notified that the girl he was with had been looking for him and couldn’t find him. Shortly after that a call came from a stranger that a young man had been hit and killed along some railroad tracks close to where Joey had been that night and he thought it might be Joey. A call to the hospital confirmed the ID on the young man was Joey’s. Tragically it was our boy. We barely had the news before the newspaper printed in the morning edition that it was possible suicide. That story did not resurface in the later paper, but it was devastating for us. We will never know exactly what happened or why, except for what was shown at the coroner’s inquest from the train video recorder. Joey was lying across the tracks. The train sounded its whistle and couldn’t stop in time. Joey sluggishly lifted his head and dropped back down, and it was all over. We didn’t tell Patrick, because he told us beforehand that as long as he knows Joey didn’t move, have consciousness, or feel it, he could deal with it. He didn’t go to the inquest, and so we left it unsaid. But I struggle with it. All I can do is pray that that train light immediately became the light of Jesus to carry him away before my baby realized impact. The coroner ruled ‘undetermined’, and I suppose it always will be. But too many clues Joey left behind were not those of a man who planned to die—like a next day appointment to pick up his new campus apartment keys with his new roommate that he couldn’t wait to share the school year with, and so much more like that. The girl in the group that night said she called out to him from the bar to wait after he walked out and about a block up the road, and she would be right there with him. At least that’s what she testified, out of guilt I assume, during the inquest. I truly believe if she would have gone after him, she would have seen a stopped train, even if it were a half hour later—with all the red flashing lights from the EMT’s that were collecting his things and waiting for the coroner to arrive. No one went looking for my baby. He sat at the nearby tracks waiting, a block and a half from the bar, because she said she would come to him. The cigarette buts they collected at the site proved to be Joey’s, and tell me he waited. He waited for her and wound up somehow lying on tracks, where he died alone and in such a horrible way. Maybe he got tired. Maybe he passed out until the rumble became so heavy and the whistle became loud. In any case, Joey didn’t have a chance. His blood alcohol content was .21. It’s hard to imagine he could even walk. We never saw his body. Because of the trauma, we were advised not to do so, and we agreed that it would be too hard to see him unrecognizable and in pieces. We had him cremated and spread his ashes in the horse pasture he loved so much at the family farm. All that was returned to us by authorities were his shoes, his wallet, a chapstick with the bottom turn-thing broken off, and a necklace he wore every moment since my husband and I bought it for him in Spain a year and a half before. He never took it off. I actually can’t believe it survived, but I’m thankful it did. I am devastated, filled with grief and pain, and anger to some degree for how he had to die and the callous, irresponsible nature of the people he chose to be with that night. And I have so many more emotions I cannot even describe. Contact from friends has dropped off—I’m sure people just don’t know what to say. It’s a horrifying story, and it happened to us. What can they say besides what has already been said? No one wants to mention anything near the subject, therefore mentioning Joey’s name might spark conversation no one wants to have. And I am afraid over time I will forget what Joey’s voice sounded like and every little thing about him. I miss him so much. Joey was my rebel child. He had been in trouble off and on since he turned 16. But he had really gotten to a point of change in his life. He had just spent the summer with his dad, and it was the best time they had in years. He was entering his last year of undergrad, and had picked out a college to attend grad school after graduation from state college. He wrote a wonderful essay about his plans for business school and the future with hopes of interning at the Chicago Board of Trade. And he had even received a letter from school inviting him to enroll in their honors program. He was loved and respected by his teachers, classmates, friends and everyone he knew—except for those he was with that final night, who are strangers to his family and friends. No one really knows them or wants to at this point. Over 400 attended the memorial service, and it was a comfort to be surrounded by Joey’s dear childhood friends and those who loved him. Now, along with the numbness, the long journey of “firsts” begins. Joey’s birthday passed 3 days after his memorial service. Fall classes began without Joey. All he dreamed we dreamed for him and with him. All of it now gone! Though the college did put a new book with a plaque in their library to honor his contribution to their campus, which is great. Thanksgiving has come and gone, and I have been crying non stop since, so it seems. Christmas is coming and I am forever changed, missing such a huge part of myself. I wonder sometimes since I never saw Joey’s body if it’s harder for me to believe he is really gone. It still feels like he just went away and isn’t coming back. The “D” word haunts me. I hate it! For the first month or two all I had were visions of him lying on train tracks. It was awful. But over these past few days such beautiful memories have been flooding the gates. I sat today with a box of his personal things—the teddy bear he dragged around from birth to 10 years or so, some pictures, and his eyeglasses still with smudges from his own eyebrows, his cherished Spanish necklace, and a beanie bear named “Hero” that one of his friends sent along with flowers to the memorial. I just sat with that stuff and rocked, and cried for a long time. I put on his corduroy jacket that Joey wore in HS with his name embroidered on it and the patches for FFA, his agriculture club. I can’t feel him, and I want to reach out to him, touch him, and hear his voice. And I can’t. And I hate that! My baby is gone, and I don’t know how I get through this, but I do. It just hurts so badly. I am a woman of faith, and I have been strong to the point that most people probably think I’m a saint. I’ve even counseled others in grief since. But I just can’t be strong right now. I want to feel, and I want to cry. I need to feel. I’m tired of being numb. I miss my baby. He always looked to me for help when he was lost or in trouble. I was always there, even through the tough love and when he felt no one cared. He had so much promise and he was so silly sometimes. And sometimes he was a real pain, but he knew my love never was less than everything I had. Sometimes I wondered if he really knew that, because he would sometimes get mad and say mean things in anger. But I know he loved me too. I was his mommy, and he always knew that too. We were just getting to the point where he was growing up and becoming more responsible, making his way and carrying himself well. He was smarter than he gave himself credit for sometimes. And he was on his way to proving to himself and the world that he was going to be successful in life, and I believe he would have been—and then this happened. And I hate it! I hate it for him and all he dreamed to do in this life. I hate it for his little brother who will miss his first choice for best man at his wedding and sharing life as uncles to their children, and growing up and old together as brothers, reminiscing stories of rebellious years when Joey got kicked out of school for growing pot in the HS greenhouse and had to finish by correspondence course. But Joey held his head up through humiliation and some fear, and still went to his brother’s HS graduation and cheered for him the loudest as Patrick walked the walk to get his diploma. Joey had redeemed himself many times over since then, but he was a handful back then. Makes me smile now, but I wasn’t smiling so much then. I worried about him when he was younger. I worried that he would be hurt or would die in a reckless pursuit of partying. I stopped worrying so much over the past couple of years, because Joey was not so reckless anymore. But then this happened, and all those years of prayers and fears, and sleepless nights with endless tears just flooded in, making me feel like it was almost my fault because my guard was dropped and I didn’t pray about that so much anymore. I believed he made it through those irresponsible boyhood times and that all would be well. And then it all was gone. In one breath Joey was gone. I miss him so much. A part of me died with him. I scrambled to find every e-mail he ever sent, and every photo ever taken, and every little piece of everything I could find so that I could hold onto him a little while longer. I cherish having these things, but I don’t have the treasure of him here with us, and I hate that! Oh God, how I hate that! I sent my son Patrick some things from Compassionate Friends for grieving siblings, and I pray he will find comfort. It really is tough for the siblings. No one reaches out to them like they do the parents, and even that’s limited to a short time it seems. And parents aren’t always in the best shape to be a real source of comfort. But I love him and cherish him, and I want to help him through this even though I am a cripple myself. I don’t know if I need to hear anything more than I just need to say all of this. I’ve been reading a few threads here, and I have found myself stunned and comforted at the same time by some of the stories you all have shared about your own loss. I am sorry for each of you. I am sorry for me. I am sorry for Patrick, and for Joey. I’m so sorry, my precious baby boy. I miss you so much, and I will always be your mommy.

God bless each one of you and comfort you in those times when nothing seems to help. Thank you for sharing your stories and pieces of yourselves. Thank you for being here now… -Claudia (4everJoeysMom)

[bokenhearted]

Hello everyone

I am feeling really down tonight. Silly really as I can't really explain why I feel this way. I was on my way home from work tonight when i was drawn toward the cemetary. So I went with it and sat near my son's grave and just cried for the yearning I feel to just be able to hug him once more. Like that is going to happen. when I finally got myself together I drove home. I had only been home 5 minutes when one of Karl's friends pulled into the drive. He had been fishing and thought I would like a feed of fish. He knows that Karl was my fisherman and that I now don't get any. I was so pleased to see him (and the fish). I don't see many of my son's friends as I think they just don't know how to handle talking to us. Little do they know that it means so much to us to see them. Even though I was pleased that he took the time and thought of us to come see us, it didn't alter the fact that after he left I just howled my eyes out again. Just the fact that they were such good friends and he misses Karl too. Life is just so unfair.

This hurt inside me eats me up some days. I know that tomorrow is another day and hopefully it will be a better one but tonight I am just plain miserable.

Thanks for listening and letting me ramble on.

Jo

[Guest Guest]

Hi Jo,

I know exactly how you feel. Your son was, is, and always will be so precious to you, as mine is to me. After losing Joey a group of friends came and helped his dad raise a new barn for the horses. Being with them was strange without Joey there too, but comforting and so appreciated. God bless those friends that visit. While they may bring tears, they bless us when they keep in touch in ways that no one or nothing else can. I am sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you feel. -Claudia

[lorismom]

For Claudia ~ I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your first born son, Joey. I’m glad though that you found this wonderful site. It has been a great source of comfort for me since I lost my daughter. Sometimes I just come here to read, other times to post. Only another grieving parent can really understand the depth of the pain that we endure. You will be in my thoughts. Patty

[mikesmomrs]

For CLAUDIA and JO: I am so very, very sorry for the loss of your son, Claudia. I am glad that you found this site, and welcome you to it. My loss is also a new one; our 31 yo son, Mike, passed on Oct 14th, just over a month ago, after a lengthy battle with brain cancer. The pain of his loss is truly unbearable, and for now, constant, as it is with you over your precious son, Joey, and is likely something that will never, ever go away for any of us who have lost a child. I am told that it will eventually “soften” and won’t be so constant and raw. I look forward to that time. This is a wonderful site, Claudia, and has offered comfort to me, and many others, as you have read. As new as even you are to this site, YOU even have already offered comfort to someone, by your posting to JO. When we post, we are comforting someone else just by our words, by our presence, by our understanding. Whether we are reaching out to vent and let some of the pain out, as you and JO did this time, and we all have done, or we are reaching out to just connect, or to offer comfort specifically, we ARE reaching out, and because we have all been led here for the same reason—the unbearable pain of the loss of a child precious to us—the connection is there before we post the first word. My son, too, was somewhat of a rebel, including turning his back on his faith, and after a long time of prayer and hope and sticking by him by his family and friends, he too had turned his life around---and then he was diagnosed with cancer. It was a short while after that diagnosis that he renewed his commitment to God and his belief in God’s mercy and love. Despite his terminal diagnosis, he found peace. There is evil all around us, as I am sure you know, and we believe that evil had hold of our son when he turned away from God and fell into rebelliousness, and we were so thankful when he renewed his faith and commitment in God. When our son passed, a friend of ours, who also lost a son a few years ago, told me of a particularly comforting phrase in the Bible that states “And the Lord swooped him up before evil could overtake him again.” (I am sure that is paraphrased, but the meaning is clear.) I like to think that God wanted to protect our son from falling away again, and so He took him home, to be with Him. I don’t believe that the cancer was God’s doing; but I DO believe that God took our son home out of mercy and love, to unburden him from his illness, and also to save him from the evils of this world, that had already tried to claim him once before. You will be in my prayers, CLAUDIA, and you, JO, for peace to rest in your hearts, even if only for a while, as we learn to cope with this pain, a day at a time.

MIKESMOMRS, Carol

[kathy714]

Dear Claudia,i am so sorry for the loss of your son Joey,reading your post reminds me so much as my own loss,I also have 2 sons,i loss my youngest son Nathan,on his 21st birthday,and he was found early in the morning in a bank parking lot,partially under a van.Nathan had left the small neighborhood bar about 12am with a older guy that he did not know,but the man said he knew my husband,we really don't know exactly what happened that night,but it was only 10degrees,so medical examiner ruled cause of death,hypothermia an alcholol intoxication.Unfortunatly a lot things don't add up,but I won't get into all that. i do understand how you felt hearing about your poor son name on the news,i also went through all that and 1st time i heard them call Nathan a man,it sounded so strange to me to me ,he was still my boy.ALSO my heart breaks for my other son who now is a only child and has lost his only brother,he got married last June and wore a shirt with Nathan's picture on it ,and under the Picture it said "BESTMAN".He always talks about how much he misses Nate,and things just aren't right.I am so sorry you are here,but at least you found this web site ,everyone here truely understands everything you are feeling,this site saved my life at times when i was so down,i would visit here many times in a day ,even if just to read the post...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[4everjoeysmom]

Thank you Patty, Carol, and Kathy for reaching out to connect. I cried as I read from each of you, but at the same time felt comforted, and understood possibly for the first time since Joey's accident. I am so sorry for each of you and the loss of your precious children. I wish I could say I can only imagine. It still sometimes feels "not real" to me. Kathy, I too felt so strange seeing Joey referred to as "A Monticello Man" because we knew him as our son, student, and a "young" man. It seemed so cold, like they were talking about a stranger and not my Joey. I think the BestMan T-shirt is an awesome Idea, and I think my Patrick would do something like that in a heartbeat. Thank you for sharing that. I want so much to comfort him in those special times when Joey will so obviously and painfully be absent from our life events. Thank you for that gift in sharing! Carol, I have had similar thoughts that God has taken my son to spare him further trials and pain. Joey struggled hard through his mid and late teen years. I was so blessed to hear from a close friend of Joey's after the memorial that Joey had been with him in church worship service just three weeks before. Joey was saved the summer he turned 21--had a few backslides, saw a Christian counselor last year for a while, and so on. But I know in my heart that he is with the Lord. I've had confirmation of that in unexpected ways. Thank you for what you shared about Mike. God bless each of you for sharing your heart and reaching out to me. I miss Joey so much--unbearably much--and I know you understand how I feel. Blessings & Love, Claudia