Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmomrs]

Vikki: I tried to post this morning before leaving for work, but it disappeared when I hit “post” and I didn’t have time to try again. I am doing this now, on my lunch, at work. I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you and praying for you yesterday. I am so sorry that it was such an anguished day for you…I can empathize with the “screaming in a parking lot”—that seems to be a favorite place to let it all out—no judging looks, no one shooting you that “aren’t you over this yet” look…no statements like “I just can’t believe you haven’t moved on.” I pray that you find peace today, somehow, from a pleasant memory of your precious child, before all this nightmare began, even if only for a brief moment, that will somehow ease the burden of yesterday’s added grief. Prayers for peace to you, Carol MIKESMOMRS

[rhonda68]

I am furious my 1 aunt is telling everyone things like just dont know why she is still feeling like this dont know why she doesnt move on. Meanwhile she is very close to her children,goes on trips every year and has the perfect life. She would die if anything happened to 1 of her boys. She couldnt even take it because 1 of her sons wasnt comming home for Christmas big woop she has no IDEA this torture. I HATE her. I am so mad right now. (going to go somewhere where i just can scream and scream)

richardsmom

[daveydow1]

Kathy714,

I feel so bad for you--not getting the answers you

want and deserve, concerning the circumstances of

Nate's death. Yes, trying to get straight answers

from "the system" can be very exasperating, especially

when it's so important, and when everyone tells you

something different. It seems like no one is in charge,

and there are no official statements to rely on. We in

OH have investigations, but not inquests--(to the best of

my knowledge). However, we were still frustrated, like

you, when it came to dealing with the system. It's hard

to say if you could find out more by pressing it. There's

so much red tape. I pray for you whichever way you decide.

Peace to you & your family.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[robsmom]

vikki: please know that I was thinking of you on Janeens day. I didn't get to post yesterday because I am just about holding on myself as Robs Angel Day is on Saturday, January 20. I took tomorrow off from work because last year January 20 was a Friday, when I got up to go work at 5:15 a.m. Robs alarm was playing and playing. I opened the door to wake him and I FOUND HIM. that scene play over and over in my head in slow motion.

Something like that movie Groundhog Day. I relive the day over and over and over. And then of course theres the guilt " If when I went to the bathroom at 3:00 had I gone into his room maybe I could have helped him or maybe he would havehad someone with him. Accorinding to the medical examiners report it was an annuryism, and if I had been standing next to him I would not have been able to help him. I'll never know .

So I took the day off tomorrow because while it is not the 20th yet I just can't bear to hear the alarm go off on Friday the 19th.

Thanks for listening.

Lorraine, Robsmom forever

[4everjoeysmom]

Lorraine, I am thinking of you and praying for you today, tomorrow, the 20th and always... Some day I pray you are able to let go of the guilt. I've learned it's the one emotion that takes me the deepest in despair. Wrestling with loss and the pain of grief are hard enough. You are not responsible for Rob slipping away. I hope deep down you truly believe this. He would never want you to think that or be so hard on yourself. I struggled a lot with guilt too, and can't say I won't again where Joey is concerned. But I am learning a lot and experiencing a lot more "penetrating" comfort since I kicked the guilt out of the way... I hope you can do that too. Peaceful moments and memories that make you smile are what I am praying for you... Love, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Rhonda, It sounds like ignorance is truly your aunt's bliss. I pity her. She truly is pitiful...

[donosmom]

Robsmom, my son Matthew died from a brain aneurysm too. We found him on our bedroom floor and my husband gave him CPR until the ambulance arrived. I go through the same thing reliving that night over and over.

Matthew's Mama Mary

11/3/79-7/13/2003

[mikesmomrs]

Lorraine: You will be with me throughout today, and tomorrow, as I pray for peace to come to your heart. I, too, have been going through the "guilties"...do they EVER go away? I find that there doesn't even have to be a reason, real or not, we have them. May peace find you today, and bring a pleasant enough memory to drive away the pain, if only for 30 seconds. God bless. Carol - MIKESMOMRS

[janeensmom]

Lorrraine and Mary...my Janeen also died from a brain aneurysm. She hadn't come over to my house nor had she gone to the deli as she usually did every day. Her sweet husband found her in bed...she had been gone for several hours. The guilt I feel for not checking on her as I usually did haunts me so much. I relive that day over and over also. They tell me there was nothing I could have done any different that would have helped her. If only I could believe that.

Loraine...my candle will be lit and prayers said for you. I am so sorry you have to live this pain in your heart. Take care of yourself in whatever way you need to and know that I understand your loss. I did survive the 17th and you will too....Hugs and love, Vikki

[daveydow1]

Robsmom,

My thoughts and prayers are with you for today, and

tomorrow--dear Rob's angel day. It's such an agonizing

time leading up to the day and the day itself. Yes, I

think we all feel some guilt regarding the circumstances

of our child's death. I think it is part of the terrible

grief process---this bumpy road we're on. It's like

driving down a rough road at night without lights on. You

never know when you will hit a huge pothole. Just be kind

to yourself, and may your good memories of Rob give you

some comfort. Peace be with you.

[4everjoeysmom]

Lorraine-- Continuing to lift you up in prayer...

[Guest Guest]

Lorraine, I know what you mean when you talk about reliving a terrible scene over and over. I, too, went into my son's bedroom one morning and found him. I called his name and he didn't stir and I knew it. Never, never will I get that out of my head. I can be doing something else and - wham - it plays in my head. It's not something I can control. My only hope is that it will become less and less a part of my daily existence. The first few weeks, i thought I would go crazy with the memory. Now, a few times a day.

I just have to remind myself that it wasn't Erik I found - he was gone. But, still, that is my last memory of my precious son and that's what torments me. I was talking to a therapist friend of mine and I said, "No mother should have to walk in and find her son dead." And she said, "Who would you want to find him?"

She was right, of course. It was a blessing that I found him, that he didn't die somewhere else and have some stranger find him, or at work and his friends would have to live with that memory. No, God was merciful in giving Erik a peaceful, private death. And as much as that memory torments me - I'm glad I was the one to find him.

So, I know what you are going through and my heart goes out to you.

Eriksmom

[ronsmom]

ERICSMOM....

Hi, first I'm so sorry about your son. Finding him must have been horrendous for you. But as your therapist said "who would you rather have found him?"...please be greatful that it was you, you had those moments with him. You just described the scenario I have been living with: I was unfortunate, as my Ronnie was out of state, and here I am over a thousand miles away from him doing everyday mundane things while he and his girlfriend fell to their deaths with their friends watching.... So quick for them and yet so agonizingly long for me to get to him. Nothing worse than getting a call from a Stranger telling you that you just lost your son, and you have to make preparations to travel to get to him. I relive that every single moment of the day because that was the worse part, not getting to his side quick enough. It seemed to take forever. I don't have guilt just regret that I wasn't with him, I brought him into this world I should've been with him as he was leaving to say goodbye.......it hurts either way so damn bad, just isn't fair, it all sucks!

thinking of all of you and wish for you,

blueskies

Bonnie

[rhonda68]

Hi Bonnie know exaclty how you are feeling. Oh how horrible I feel that I wasnt there to hold him and kiss his hurts I dont think that pain will ever go away.

Richardsmom

[kathy714]

Dear Lorriane,you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers today on yours son Ron's angel day,may you find a little bit of peace today....T/C Kathy Nate's mom 4 ever

[kathy714]

I also have been those awful visions of my son Nathan's last moments,Nathan passed outside alone in 18 degree weather,so everytime i go outside into the freezing cold ,i have visions of him on that freezing night,then i get angry wondering where the cop was that night ,that should of been patrolling that area.Nathan passed away in a bank parking lot,in a pretty busy area,only if someone had found him sooner.Even the girl that had invited him down to where she was working that night,maybe if she had drove around ,when he didn't answer his cell phone,instead she just went home and went to bed,knowing he didn't even have a car...so many thoughts make me crazy about that night !!!T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[4everjoeysmom]

I can sincerely empathize with every agonizing thought. My torment has been similar. Joey was by himself, out in the night when he left this world. I was "working for God" in another country; I was doing what I still think is the right thing, as I am back at work. But to know my son left this life and I wasn't there.. I received that phone call, and I couldn't even get out of the country until the next day. I agonized. And the nature of the accident made it so that none of us could bravely view Joey's body... And then so much of Joey's things had to be burned within a short time, because I had to come back here, and there was no place for a lot of that stuff to go... AGONY!

You're right. Joey was no longer in that body. And I am grateful that I don't have that last physical image that haunts me. But sometimes my imagination is worse... I think ultimately that's why I was mad at God. How could he take my son? I was working for HIM!! But ultimately, it isn't about me, and it doesn't matter what I would have been doing. It was time...

Oh, the pain of it all...

[ashleysmom]

Lorraine, My heart and prayers are with you today. May you have peace, Dottie

[rhonda68]

Robsmom I am thinking of you on this day. I will light a candle in memory of your son.

Richards mom

[janeensmom]

Lorraine...may you find some comfort today. I know it won't be easy as I just went through it 3 days ago. Please take care of yourself today... I have lit a candle in memory of your precious son's angel day. Hugs and love, Vikki

[mommabert]

josh's birthday is mon. my heart is breaking all over again. last night my best friend call to say she needed me at her house. i knew she just needed a friend. she was with me from the time i got the news about josh.until she could tell i was going to okay. her daughter 27 years old pass last night. massive heart attact. she took sick one month before josh passed. the kids went to school together. i dont know what to do or say. for i know first hand the pain she fills. i cant tell it will be okay. its not okay... i cant tell her it will get easery.because it has not for me. ( i did ask josh to help me help her throught this .) thank you all very much. mommabert

[4everjoeysmom]

Mommabert, I am so, so sorry for your pain and that of your friend. It has to be reopening all of the wounds even deeper at this point for you. In a time like this it's tough to know what to say even when walking the same journey...

I am lifting you and your friend in prayer at this very moment, and I will be praying you through Monday as well..today and always, Love, Claudia

[darrylsmom]

Hi my name is Joyce. I have posted once before. My son Darryl was killed on Aug24,06 on an motorcycle. He was driving way to fast. I hate motorcycles there is no protection. I just wanted you all to know I read you all everyday. You have helped me survive. It is so conforting to know I am not the only one having all these feelings. Some days I think I am crazy. Some days not so bad. I am so sorry we have to meet like this. I pray for you all & your babies you have lost. Even tho they are growned I still think of him as my baby. He was 41 yo. Thank you all !!! God bless love Darrylsmom

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Darrylsmom, I am so sorry you have to be here with us, but glad you found us and that we at BI have helped you through some of those despairing moments. I can't even begin to express how much I have been comforted by being here among true friends. It's so hard... and we welcome you with love and compassion. Lifting you up in prayer...

I lost my Joey one week before he turned 24. I miss him so much...

Love, Claudia (4everjoeysmom)

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Darrylsmom, I'm sorry for the pain and sorrow in your heart for your loss. Parents are special people who think of their children as babies no matter the age. My oldest daughter, 32, is my baby girl. Her sister, also born in 1974, was raped and murdered in 1996. I miss Jenni. There are many feelings in grieving. You aren't really going crazy. It's that the emotions of grief take our minds to places that can be very painful as we deal with our feelings of loss. Be patient with yourself, and give yourself plenty of time to grieve. I'm Mark, Jenni's dad. My thoughts and prayers are with you for peace.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Rhonda68, I think it's natural for us parents to want to have been there for our children, even though it would have torn our hearts to shreds. Perhaps, in some other sense, it would have been more comforting. You did a great job as a parent. While you couldn't be there when you wanted to be, the fact of this is, you wanted to be, which shows the depth of your love. I've been involved with foster care issues and adoptions for many years. Wouldn't it be great if all kids could be loved as much as you love yours? Now, that would be a dream come true. You're in my prayers. Mark

[aprilsmom]

Forgive me for not posting in a month or so.....can't remember the last time. When I came on today I was shocked to see the new names. Why is that? I know I am not the only mom or dad to go through this horrible experience but it never seems to not shock me all the same. I felt some peace opening this link first and seeing faithful members and friends that have seen me through the last 26 months, and i am SO proud that they continue to be here for all those of you just beginning your grief journey. There were several references to our feelings of guilt and I just wanted to share a thought I had. I felt so guilty because I had talked to April just 11 minutes before the 911 call went in. I COULD NOT shake the guilt for not having talked to her for a few more seconds....I always wonder if she would have been in that fatal intersection if I had not been in my usual hurry. Then comes the guilt from all the times I was not an exemplary parent........well, it's been two years for me and I have to think that April would forgive me.We always forgave each other.............

[rhonda68]

AlwaysmyJennifer-your reply meant so much really warmed my HEART!! Yes it would be nice if all kids could be loved so much. There is so much heartache in this old world.

Richardsmom

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Renee, what ever you do, please do not lay a guilt trip on yourself. I beat myself up with one over Jenni. I found all I did was beat myself up. Not productive. I've been praying so much for you. All in due time. It will all be reconciled in due time. For the moment, though, I'm happy to "see" you here. It's good to have friends. Mark, Jenni's dad

[rhonda68]

Mommabert I am so sorry about your friends daughter. Its hard to know how to comfort as we know how painful this is. I think just be there for your friend let her talk give her a hug. My cousins baby died about 3 weeks ago 1 year and 28 days old. She come up to me at the funeral she was sobbing gave me a hug and said now I know what its like to be you. I am posting a list from the compassionate friends that say ways in which people can comfort us.

The Compassionate Friends, a support group for bereaved parents, made a list of suggestions for friends and coworkers who would like to help.

1. Please don't be afraid to speak my child's name or talk about him.

2. If I cry while we talk about my child, please let me cry, for in doing so you help me to heal.

3. The death of a child is not like any other. Please do not compare it to the death of your mother, best friend or pet.

4. Please don't tell me what you would do if you were in my shoes. You have no way of knowing.

5. I will have emotional ups and downs. If I'm having a good day, don't assume I'm "over it." If I'm having a bad day, please don't suggest I need psychiatric counseling.

6. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious. Please don't shy away from me.

7. Please don't offer me drinks or drugs. They are temporary crutches and the only way to get through grief is to experience it. I have to hurt before I can heal.

8. Please don't expect my grief to be over in six months. It may take years. And even then, I will never be a "former" bereaved parent.

[daveydow1]

4everjoeysmom, Claudia,

I am so sorry that you had to burn your son, Joey's,

belongings. My gosh, it must have been so horrific

for you; and being so far away. I can't see how you

were able to do it all. God had to have given you

the strength you needed. Please know that I am praying

that you can gain some comfort, somehow, in you love

for Joey---which goes on forever. Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Rhonda68,

I can relate to your feelings of sorrow that you

were not with your son, Richard, when he passed

over. I too had many thoughts & guilt about not

being with my son when he was killed. It's not

anything we could have done, I guess. I hope I

don't say anything to make you feel bad. It's

very plain to see that you loved your son so very

much. Take care, and peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Mommabert,

So sorry to learn of your dear friend's daughter

passing away at such a young age. Peace & prayers

for her, and you--her special friend.

Darrylsmom,

I do remember you, and am so sorry about your dear

son, Darryl's motorcycle accident. I hope you will

return to BI whenever you feel up to it. Peace to you.

Aprilsmom,

I know exactly how you feel when you said "what if" you

had talked longer to April etc. I also said the same

thing to myself....'what if' I had been home that day

when Davey was getting ready to go to the mall...I

would no doubt have delayed him at least several minutes,

and he would not have been that horiffic accident. These

doubts and 'what ifs' can drive you crazy sometimes. I'm

sure Apes forgives you....the same as all our children

forgive us. There are no 'perfect' parents, just as there

are no 'perfect' kids. We just loved them, and they loved

us, and that love never dies. Peace & Comfort to you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[ashleysmom]

Mommabert, may you have peace today on your son's birthday.

[ashleysmom]

The guilt! The shoulda, coulda, wouldas that will tear us apart. I don't know why, after all we have been through, that we are continually haunted by this. I have run a million different scenarios through my brain about what I could have done to prevent Ashley's accident? In my saner thoughts, I know there is nothing I could have done, but those other thoughts pop in my brain still. If that's not bad enough, I have a moment in time that will pop into my brain, Ashley at around seven, wanting me to do something, and at that moment I am busy, Oh how I wish I would have taken that time. Yet, there are many moments in our lives that we are busy. I know Ashley would have taken all of my time if she could have. In that guilty part of my brain, I wish that she could have, but I know it is unrealistic. I hope this makes sense. Anyway my point to all of this, is, there is nothing we could have done to change the outcome and feeling so powerless to protect our children, I think we beat ourselves up with all of the scenarios.

I was on scene, alone with the police and paramedics at first. They told me to identify Ashley, I told them I couldn't, that my husband was on his way. Sometimes that kills me as well, but I could not see Ashley so broken. My last look at Ashley was beautiful. That is what I try to picture. My brain sometimes tries to conjure up the image of her in the car when I am in a punishing mode. I don't know why this happens.

May all of us have peace, Dottie

[kathy714]

Dear Mamabert,you and your family will be in my prayers today,on your son Josh's birthday,i will light a candle in his memory...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[kathy714]

Dear Mamabert,i am so sorry about your friends loss,my friend loss her son in June in a dirt bike accident,and it was hard at first,and it most definetly brought up those flashbacks of when my own son passed,now though when we get together we really are good support for each other,and she will ask me alot about how i felt during certain times [ie,holiday's ],and i just try to be there for her,and let her talk...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Dear Ashleysmom,i can't tell you how many times i have done the same,run all those different scenarios through my mind,and many times beat myself up for taking Nathan to that bar on that freezing 18 degree night,just last night i went out at about 11pm and i saw that the temperture reading on one of the buildings i went by said 13 degrees,i started crying thinking about how my poor Nathan had passed away in that freezing cold.Then i tell myself,i know he would of gone wheather i took him or not,and i really didn't have any bad feelings about it,Nathan had a really bad day [our puppy had fallen through the ice,and we couldn't save him],my husband was sick and had just come home from the hospital,we were going through a really bad time,and i felt bad,that it was going to be Nate's 21st birthday,so when his friend called and said ,come down and i will buy you a drink for your birthday,i never dreamed he would be alone at any point,plus he was an adult....BELIEVE ME,i could go on forever about the coulda,shouda would of's.It is so true we do beat ourselves up about this...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[mikesmomrs]

Mamabert: My thoughts and prayers will be with you today, your son Josh's birthday. I have not reached that place yet, and don't know how I will ever get through it...but I know that all on BI will be carrying me through those hours, as we are you today. I pray at least one cherished memory will bring you at a moment of peace today. God bless,

Carol MIKESMOMRS

[rhonda68]

Mommabert thinking of you today I will say a prayer and light a candle today in memory of Josh.

[rhonda68]

I awoke at 4:30 am just felt paniked don't know what to do. How do I feel better? This is awful. My son told me he was moving out in July after school I am so scared. My boyfriend is leaving. I am going to have know one no reason to go on. My boyfriend has been a real jerk this last month. He had his kids over this weekend and all he did is stay in bed the whole time they are 12 years old and I have quite a mess to clean up today.

Love ya all,

Richardsmom

[janeensmom]

Mommabert...I am so sorry for the loss of your son and for your friends daughter. I will light a candle for his birthday. May you find some peace somewhere today and take care of yourself...Hugs, Vikki

Do any of you have as much trouble sleeping as I do? I can not get her death out of my mind. I try to remember all of the fun times and just as I start to feel some relief wham!!! And there I am, no sleep...and when I finally get to sleep I wake up with that sickening feeling inside...the panic just overwhelms me. God help me..........Vikki

[peacefulnow]

I was with my son when he passed away. I am so glad that I was, but it doesn’t ease the heartache or feeling of hopelessness, or guilt. I thought I was as prepared as I could possibly be for Ian’s death, but there really is nothing that softens the blow when the moment arrives. It’s sad and awful, no matter the circumstances…as all of you know.

I truly believe that our children chose us to be their parents. It was no random act. It was carefully planned and executed for a reason. The reason may remain a mystery in this lifetime, but someday I will know and understand the beauty of it all. But, in the meantime, what an honor it was to be the mother of my beautiful angel. How lucky I was to be chosen. I have learned so much from my child, not only when he was here on earth…but now that he has passed on. I’m still learning from Ian…and I think that despite all my stumbling and falling that he’s proud of me, just as each and every one of your children are proud of you. I know how difficult all of this is. I’m not trying to sugar coat this horrible reality we are living through. But, we are the fortunate people who had these children in our lives from their births until their deaths. I‘m honored and humbled by the experience. It is a gift to treasure always.

Mommabert. I’m sorry about your friend’s daughter. It must be very hard for you to relive the pain through your friend. I wish you peace and comfort on Josh’s birthday today.

Joyce, I know how much you must miss Darryl. I’m sorry.

Claudia. Joey’s Mom. You, dear friend, are in the right profession. What amazing words of comfort you offer to all of us here. I can only imagine the wonderful impact you must have as a missionary. I’m sorry that you had to be so far away from Joey when he passed on and that you so quickly had to dispose of his belongings. That must have been so hard on you.

Moments of peace to all of you. Cindy

[peacefulnow]

Janeensmom, Vikki. I lost my son shortly before you lost Janeen. Yes, the sleep thing is pretty rough. I’m not a big advocate of medications for every little thing, but sleep is important…especially now. I know from personal experience that when I’m tired, I have more difficulty dealing with the loss of my son. So, maybe a prescription to help you sleep would be beneficial to you. Even with the medication, I still wake up every single night and think about Ian. I get out of bed, go downstairs so I can be alone. But you know, instead of dreading it, I’ve sort of come to welcome that quiet time. When I’m alone at night with my thoughts of Ian, I can talk to him, and pray, and feel a closeness that is sometimes difficult to achieve during the day. It’s my special time with Ian. Which may sound a little crazy, but it works for me. Cindy

[brknhrt]

mammabert, Thinking of you and your son today.

[janeensmom]

Cindy...thank you for your advice. I will try to look at it differently. I do know also if I don't get enough sleep it is much harder the next day. I am sorry for the loss of your son Ian. I have tossed the medication idea around before. Not so sure...but I do need to be openminded. This is a horrible reality we all are trying to live with and I am so thankful to have finally found a website where I can just write whatever I need to and no one tells you to get over it. Blessings to all of you precious parents...Hugs, Viki

[robsmom]

mamabert; I am saying a prayer for you and Josh on his birthday.

Robs Angel day was on Saturday, we all went to the cemetary and then had dinner together. Sounds ok right? Well it was horrible. Saturday was bad but Friday was the absolute worst. All I kept thinking was if I had known what was going to happen I would have done this or that or told him more that night that i loved him or kissed him more or touched him or just smelled his scent but i didn't know and i didn't do any of those things and i know he knew i loved him more than life itself and i know he loved me the same. but even knowing that it doesn't help. the missing, the hurt the anger is still there and i can't imagine it will ever get any better.........

robs mom forever and ever-lorraine

[Guest Guest]

WoW! Hello all! I feel as though I've entered a strange pit of tortured souls. But alas, it is the right place for me at the moment..I need the company. I've been reading volumes on grief websites since October 22, 2006, the day my beautiful 29 year old daughter, Pippa, and her dear little 4 year old son, Kieran were killed instantly in a car crash and this is my first time posting on a website. I also lost my second son, Andrew to SIDS at 7 weeks old in 1975. I am left with my first son, Christopher, who I cherish with all my heart. I think you've got a wonderful support system here and I'd love to visit and join in occassionally. I'm leaving work in a few minutes so I'll keep my first posting short. Nobody around us, no matter how loving and supportive, can understand the trauma we feel. How we've changed into totally different human beings after our tragic losses. I'm hoping that with time, our innate beings will be restored, despite the fact we will carry this burden of loss for the rest of our lives. Love and hugs to you all.

Will come back soon.

Debbie

[mikesmomrs]

To Guest - Debbie: Welcome to our site--yes, it does some time seem to be a pit of tortured souls, but a welcoming one, and one where you will find support, love, and prayers for you whenever you need them. I joined this "club" following the death of my son, Mike, at 31 years of age, from brain cancer, on October 14, 2006. This journey has been heart-crushing, as I know you are well aware. I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter, Pippa, and her dear son--such a loss for you! Keep coming to BI, you will find support here, no judgments, no one telling you you should be over it by now, etc. You will hear the cries of others, mingling with your own, and somehow, strength coming from all of the heartbreak, back to each other to allow us to get through another day or night. My daughter sent me this poem today. She is having a really hard time right now, missing her brother so much. This poem seems to cover so much of our feelings right now--it seems as though once the ceremony of the services calms down, no one seems to want to acknowledge that your loved one is gone, and you sometimes get the feeling that it is as if they didn't even exist! It is so sad that people cannot bring themselves to offer comfort for fear of facing your pain. I wish I could print this poem on a handout and give it to everyone I see!

Please See Me Through My Tears

by Kelly Osmont

You asked, "How am I doing?"

As I told you, tears came to my eyes...

and you looked away and quickly began to talk again.

All the attention you had given me drained away.

"How am I doing?"...I do better when people listen,

though I may shed a tear or two.

This pain is indescribable.

If you've never known it you cannot fully understand.

Yet I need you.

When you look away,

When I'm ignored,

I am again alone with it

Your attention means more than you can ever know.

Really, tears are not a bad sign, you know!

They're nature's way of helping me to heal...

They relieve some of the stress of sadness.

I know you fear that asking how I'm doing brings me sadness

...but you're wrong.

The memory of my loved one's death will always be with me,

Only a thought away.

My tears make my pain more visible to you, but you did not

give me the pain...it was already there.

When I cry, could it be that you feel helpless, not knowing

what to do?

You are not helpless,

And you don't need to do a thing but be there.

When I feel your permission to allow my tears to flow,

you've helped me

You need not speak. Your silence as I cry is all I need.

Be patient...do not fear.

Listening with your heart to "how I am doing"

relieves the pain,

for when the tears can freely come and go, I feel lighter.

Talking to you releases what I've been wanting to say aloud,

clearing space

for a touch of joy in my life.

I'll cry for a minute or two...

and then I'll wipe my eyes,

and sometimes you'll even find I'm laughing later.

When I hold back the tears, my throat grows tight,

my chest aches, my stomach knots...

because I'm trying to protect you from my tears.

Then we both hurt...me, because my pain is held inside,

a shield against our closeness...and you,

because suddenly we're distant.

So please, take my hand and see me through my tears...

then we can be close again.

Take care, Debbie, and come visit often. We will always be here for you, listening, and allowing you to grieve in whatever manner you need to.

Carol MIKESMOMRS

[momgran]

Thank you Carol for your kind words and for sharing that lovely poem. My heart goes out to you. Losing your Mike that way must have been terribly stressful. We all have such different experiences and the circumstances of our losses vary so. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for you to watch your child deteriorate that way, knowing you would have to say goodbye. One of my closest friends lost her son 5 years ago to Melanoma and she is a great inspiration to me. She has moved on and is living an active life and her old joie de vivre has returned, but, of course, she still grieves her devasting loss. The scars remain.

My son had commented that he experienced a lot of what your daughter expressed in the poem. When he returned to work he was astounded at how 'distant' his workmates were. After Christmas one of them actually slapped him on the back and asked "so did you have a great Christmas!?" I simply told him that some people just 'don't think'. We're often wrapped up in our own issues and forget that others are dealing with very serious ones. We can't afford to take them to heart and add this to our burden. I experienced something similar when I returned to work. People were 'scared' of me, as though losing a child was a contagion. But I realised that my talking about it and calling on my sense of humour would disarm them and make them feel comfortable with me. Then I found them wanting to talk as well!

Pippa's boyfriend's mom gave me an album of photos taken at the wedding they'd attended the day before the accident (they were returning home when the accident occured) and included this lovely verse. I have to read it now and then to get me through the day. Pippa's boyfriend was an athlete and he had all his limbs crushed in the accident. He's had numerous surgeries and is in constant pain and they have no idea when he'll walk again. His brother lost his wife in the accident and sustained injuries that left him with a limp. A third brother has chronic back pain and headaches. Their father, who was driving, was uninjured but is carrying the awful burden of the losses and his sons' pain. They're such a lovely family. The mom keeps wondering why we had to lose our children and she has all of hers, albeit broken to pieces. There just aren't any answers.

In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all...

It comes with bitterest agony...

Perfect relief is not possible, except with time.

You cannot now realise that you will ever feel better...and yet this is a mistake.

You are sure to be happy again.

To know this, which is certainly true,

will make you some less miserable now.

I have had experience enough to know what I say.

"Abraham Lincoln"

Peace and Love

Debbie