Loss of an Adult Child

[momofjoe]

May I ask....alwaysmyjennifer stated, "this year is going to be the year I visit Jenni's place"? May I ask what that means? Please understand I am not being sarcastic, I just don't know what that means. I had a bad morning. I went to my Joe's grave to talk to him. Doing that always does a number on me. Sorry. Mary Jo

[philipsmom]

Claudia,

I am very interested in what you have to say about God and everything He does for us. I have been a Christian my entire life and have never doubted until my son was taken from us this past March. Now all I do is question. Since you are a missionary I am sure you know God's word better than most. I keep going through my head that God knows best and we do not understand everything. The thing that bothers me with this is he knows how much we parents are suffering when are children are taken from us. We would never want our own children to suffer like this so why does God not allow us to know more? To ease our suffering? Does this make sense to you? I hope so.

I am very sorry for your loss and for everyone elses on this board. Your words have been an inspiration to me. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.

I also agree that we should share our lighter moments with each other. When I have read posts on here where someone is feeling even a little better it gives me hope that someday I will be there also. And any tips on how to get to this better place is also helpful. I do know it doesn't happen on its own. We need to work on it every day.

Bless you all. We are all going through a very hard journey.

Nancy

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Nancy, I won't profess to know everything...and sometimes I feel like I don't know much when my pain is wrenching my guts and I am kicking and screaming like a child having a tantrum... I am a missionary, but I am also a a woman of flesh--need say no more there. I have been angry with God, and I have grieved God, because my pain has produced many deeds that He would not admire, but I don't doubt that God is who He says He is. I can tell you what God's Word has revealed to me, personally, since my son died. Maybe it will help you to consider something you haven't yet. Bear with me, because there is a lot here… which, now that I give that some thought, tells me He is continually revealing Himself to me in my pain, and even through the times when I have been angry with Him. This shows me His grace and His mercy. Even when I refused to see it or “let Him in”, so to speak, He was and is giving me Himself and His all. (Wow! How am I worthy of this? My husband loves me dearly, but even he doesn’t have this much patience with me in my rages and emotional shutdowns.)

1. I know that God created us for His glory and His pleasure. The book of Romans has a lot to say about God’s glory and His expectation of His children.

Rom 14:7-9 For none of us lives to himself, and none of us dies to himself. If we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord's. For to this end Christ died and lived again, that he might be Lord both of the dead and of the living.

2. God loves His children; He loves us so much that he sent His only son to die for us so that we would never have to be separated from God in life or in death—which is death in flesh, but in exchange for eternal spiritual life in heaven with Him. (John 3:16).

So these two passages, along with many others in the Bible tell me that not only do belong to God, but my son Joey belongs to Him too. And Joey belonged to God way before he was conceived in me, and I likewise was God’s before I was conceived in my mother’s womb. Job, David in the Psalms, Isaiah, Jeremiah, and Luke all speak of God’s foreknowing before being in our mothers’ wombs.

People always ask the questions, “Why do bad things happen to good people?” “Why has God allowed so much bad to happen?”

I don’t understand everything fully, because I have a finite mind. God is an infinite being. Therefore, He has way greater wisdom, knowledge and understanding than I can even fathom to begin to know. But He does reveal glimpses of Himself in nature and creation. And the Bible reveals a tremendous amount about God’s character. I do know this is a fallen world, and the consequences of sin are far and wide—way back in time, in the Garden of Eden to this very day. And after that a brother murdered his own brother (Cain and Abel). And beyond that God wiped out all the population in a great flood except for those who found safe haven on Noah’s arc. And way beyond that, God divided nations when man tried to build a tower (the Tower of Babyl) to reach the heavens and conquer God. And another time yet great plagues swept over nations, and great rulers ordered the slaughter of babies and firstborn sons. Throughout Biblical history and time there have been wars, and natural disasters, and terrorist attack (like 9/11). And in each of those times from the very beginning, parents have lost children, husbands have lost wives and vice-versa, siblings have lost their brothers and sisters, and so on.

I can’t profess to know whether my son’s death was a result of God’s wrath or mercy (for maybe protecting him from something far worse in his life—like eternal separation from God if he fell away….which is a horrible thought), but I do know Joey’s death was not something God allowed senselessly. I do know, again from Roams:

Rom 8:28-39 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified. What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died--more than that, who was raised--who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, "For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

What this tells me is that in my suffering in my loss of my precious son Joey, God is with me. He is shaping my character through the worst of trials because He wants conform me into more likeness of Him. He shares in my suffering, because He suffered the loss of His son too, (His only son), and He has compassion for me. He is praying for me and interceding for me, because He knows that I don’t have the strength or the courage to pray and worship Him on my own accord. And I know He definitely wants me to be with Him for all eternity—which means I will see Joey again, and I will share eternal life with him. That certainly doesn’t make my loss in this life easy or without grief and suffering. But I know God is with me through it all, suffering with me, weeping for me. (Remember how Jesus wept at the tomb of Lazarus? And He knew that Lazarus would be raised from the dead.) The day I leave this life and enter eternal life, I know I WILL FULLY UNDERSTAND why Joey was taken when he was, and it will make perfect sense. Until then I have to trust God in all things, including His choice to take Joey home now. THIS is called faith, but it still hurts badly. It may be that my mind just can’t handle the capacity of “knowing fully” here in this life. Or it may be that if I could fully know, I would be paralyzed beyond speech and movement from total awe—useless, which is almost how I feel now, but feeling and being are two different things. I battle so much with little things between flesh and spirit on a daily basis, therefore, how could my mind possibly adequately handle in this earthly flesh something so gigantic as the all knowing, all powerful God in his full radiant glory? I know in the Bible that Paul (still known as Saul then) went blind when he caught a glimpse of God’s radiant glory…

I know throughout my life there will be more pain and trials, because this place we call the world is only a temporary home, and it is filled with flaws. Following God is not an easy thing to do. For example, those closest to Jesus suffered so much to glorify Him. The apostles died horrible deaths, but not because God didn’t love them. It was because they loved God so much, they were willing to sacrifice everything including their lives to carry out His will. But it’s hard for me to imagine any pain and suffering can be greater than the loss of my child. So in some sense that gives me comfort… in a weird way. I consider this boot camp for eternity. I am a selfish woman, because I want my son Joey here with me. It certainly would make me happier. But in my heart of hearts I know Joey is with God and is full of joy and eternal life. How can that be bad? Joey will never have another trial or another tear—those things that brought me so much pain to see him go through. Joey is perfect and he’s everything now that God intended him to be. For that I am grateful. He was a beautiful baby, and a fine young man here. I can only imagine his glory matched with God’s in Heaven. How radiant he must be, that he can be singing forever in the presence of God! My greatest hope for myself now is that I will become a better person with every passing day before I get to my eternal home, and that I can make the most in this life of what God has created me for, which is to glorify Him and bring Him pleasure. It’s damned hard! I am kicking and screaming in my flesh an awful lot. But despite my screaming flesh, I intend to do what God intends of me, and carry Joey’s memory with me in the things I do for God. I cling to God’s promise and know that He is with me every step of the way.

My little Shihtzu puppy JoJo helps a lot too. 

Note: Nancy, I would have e-mailed this privately to you, because it is very long, and some folks may not want to be inundated with all of this. But for them, they can opt out on reading this post. I pray that it will help some others along the way… This journey is hell on earth! If you would like to e-mail me privately, you can find my address under my profile. I will be so happy to walk with you, my sister.

Love and blessings to all! Love, Claudia

[mommabert]

hi everyone. sorry i have not posted sence the christmas i have some kind of bug.(to momofjoe)i cant say it will be alright.i can say i am sorry. god will help you through this. it has been 8 months today sence my son went home. i had a dream a few nights ago. my son standing (hovering) over my bed with his hand extended out. this is the 2nd. time ihave had this dream. the first was shortly after he passed.it kinda scared me. his birthday is comming up jan.22 he would have been 26. yes pets do help. they understand more than most give them credit. my prays are with you all. mommabert

[maureensmom]

Dear Mommabert: I also had a dream like that, of my 20 year old daughter Maureen, who died or a drug overdose on 12/8/05. It was an amazing dream because it was so real I almost thought it actually happened. She was kind of floating right next to my bed, and she had a beautiful smile on her face, a look I don't ever remember for her because it was both loving and entirely peaceful and happy. (Maureen was bipolar, very troubled much of the time... never calm.) I was so angry that she had died like she did, in the dream I kept saying "how could you, Maureen?" She just kept saying to me, "It's OK, Mom, you're right, Mom, I know, Mom." I've never had another dream like that.

I appreciate the positive thoughts that everyone has shared on BI. We have Maureen's two cats with us, in addition to our two. All the cats keep changing constantly, all moving toward more contact with us and more interaction. One of her cats has begun to jump up into our laps. Very comforting.

I have a question for people. I talked to one of my friends last night, a very spiritual lady, who lost her husband suddenly about 9 months ago. She's doing so much better than I am! She told me her holidays were great, just one day of sadness. She attributes this to her closeness with God. I felt so sad and inadequate after I talked to her because it doesn't matter how connected I feel with God, I'm still in agony part of the time. I keep trying and trying, but you all know how hard that is. Is it really different, losing a child? I know how much she loved her husband, but he was a cancer survivor, so she had at least some mental preparation for his eventual loss. I don't know why I feel so bad about this.

Georgia

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Georgia, I think IT IS definitely different losing a child--the absolute worst loss. It's an unnatural order of things when our babies go before us, no matter their age. It's also different when an illness gives you time to prepare for a loss. It doesn't make loss easy, but it allows for goodbyes, which you and I did not get with our children. My son died in the middle of the night on railroad tracks. I am what most people consider a strong woman of faith, but I don't feel so strong. I feel lost and sad, and tired, and weak..and lots more things associated with grief of this magnitude. But I do also have hope, and strength from God, and His grace and mercy when I need it and always. It's a roller coaster for me, and sometimes I feel discouraged. I have a Christian friend who lost a daughter a few years back, and she is so much more peaceful (to me on the surface) than I am. It could be she is stronger than I, or has extra grace, or has had extra time to heal... or it could be that she too has her quiet moments of deep grief, but she would rather speak and think on the things that are good, as stated in Phillipians

Phi 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Phi 4:9 What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me--practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

I have hope and certaintly that I will get there some day... but it isn't today. Don't feel discouraged, my friend. It's a process, and it is what it is.

Love, Claudia

[mamabets]

For Momofjoe~ We have 4 little daschunds!! I do not know where I would be without them through all of this. They are so dear and loyal, and they never leave my side. How old is Jewel? Ours are 14, 13, 12 and 10- Heidi, Cody, Kiley and Rosie!! xoxo I am so sorry for all of our losses here- One day it feels as if my Danny must still be here, somewhere, and the next day it feels as if has been an eternity since we chatted. It will be 3 years in June...I love you! mamabets

[mamabets]

For All~ Remember, all emotions, no matter what they may be, are normal- They are yours, and you have lost a child. No matter what, try the best that you know how to go with whatever it is that you are feeling, and if it becomes unbearable to the point that there is not a moment's relief, call the doctors for help, preferably those that know how to deal with grief and loss. I will NEVER, in this lifetime, try to do this walk without the help of the medical profession. My heart and soul have been shocked into the cruelest mode of all, and for me, in order to do the rest of this thing called life, I need medical help. I love you all! xoxomamabets

[philipsmom]

Claudia,

Thank you so much for your wonderful response. I will email you later when I have more time.

We just got a shih-tzu. He is adorable but not letting me sleep too much. I've never potty trained a puppy before. He and I are teaching each other.

This past week has been a doozy for me. I'm back to not being able to concentrate on anything. Just like the first few months after Philip's death. I don't know why I've taken such a turn. The holidays were not hard for me but this new year is killing me. I keep telling myself I still have my hubby and two wonderful girls here with me but sometimes it doesn't help.

God Bless everyone on here.

Nancy

[4everjoeysmom]

Nancy, I think I finally have the hang of this puppy potty training. I went through some trail and error for a while. I live in a 2nd floor apartment in the rainforest, and going outside, especially after dark, is not a good option. The grass is way over his head, and other nite critters are not something we want to contend with. So, at forst we tried pee pee in the shower. Then I could just rinse out the shower. Well, that was not a longlasting effort, because JoJo thought the tile shower and the tile floor in the apartment were all good. Eventaully I found a wtareproof, washable matt (now known as the pee pee matt) and it is by the front door. (It's a waterproof dirty clothes bag that I found in the camping section at Target or Walmart.) JoJo is very regular at going to the matt, and I use wads of TP to clean up the wet and then throw it away. The other gets flushed. I wash the matt once a week easily in the sink and it dries fast. It may not be the best solution for everyone, but he's a little guy and it works for us. :-)

With regards to the sleeping, I bought one of those plastic portable crates (medium size) and I put in it a little memory quilt someone had made me for Joey. I use old pillow cases to change out the surface bedding every couple of weeks if not messy before. I cover the crate with one of those thin fleece blankets in a dark color--kind of how you would cover a bird cage. JoJo had grown very accustomed to it. Dogs usually won't mess where they sleep. I put him to bed at 8:30ish and he sleeps until 7 am no fail. Occasionally I have had to get up in the night (especially until he was a few months old), but relatively he does great. The crate is in my bedroom, so he has grown accustomed to my husband's snoring and knows someone is there and he is not alone, even though he's covered.

JoJo is 6-1/2 months now, and all is well... Aren't they just the most precious little things.

Another tip... I keep his hair trimmed fairly short (feet, butt and face too) to help with the grooming issues. The long hair can be a pain to keep up with, and he's so cute with his mid cut curly hair. Enjoy your puppy. What's his name?

[4everjoeysmom]

P.s. Nancy, I am having bouts of real hard days too in this new year. I think it's just facing a new year knowing it will be a long one without our babies here with us. You've been in my prayers, sister.

[maureensmom]

I've felt, like Nancy, that the New Year was harder than Christmas, for exactly the reasons everyone else has said - that I'm facing a whole new year without her. There's a crazy part of me that feels like yelling - enough, already! I've done without her for a whole year, now I want her BACK! It's so discouraging. I'm just dragging around in my life right now.

Georgia

[janeensmom]

Hi everyone...I have beebn looking for a forum to help me deal with all the awful feelings I am experiencing with the death of my precious daughter Janeen. She was 33 and died unexpectedly on 1-17-2006 almost one year ago. I have been told that it will get better but to be honest it hasn't. The sorrow and sadness are at times overwhelming. I miss her so much I just want to hold her and smell her and hear her sweet voice...I am trying my best to cope. Does anyone have any suggestions for me? Thank you...Vikki

[mamabets]

For foreverjoeysmom and philipsmom- OHHH!!! These sweet puppy stories, they will help you so much!! The training issue?? LOL- The best way to train is to zip them out quick, quick every twenty minutes, right back in- Do this while awake for 48 hours and they will train every time- AND, LOL, remember, be a slave to these little things!!! I am the WORST- There are no rules, and these 4 doggies RULE!!!! Quilts EVERYWHERE, as they love to burrow, the doxies!!! Just be patient with yourselves during this grief journey- I must always remind myself that I am learning to live this whole new life, and while their are parts that are so very agonizing, there are parts that need me still..I love you! xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Janeensmom~ Bless your dear heart...I wish that there was a way that I could tell you how to walk this walk.. There isn't, except in reaching out to us here, you will, in time find, that you have created for yourself, a "family", if you will, that will carry you and be here for you 24 hours a day and then some. No matter what it is that you are feeling, no matter what it is that you have felt, WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE, or we are feeling it at the exact same time as you. The desperation can, and will, be shared by all of us. Just keep hanging out here with us, OK? I admire you for your bravery in trying to find us... You now have, and we are right here for you. My email is huntross4@aol.com, if you want to email me at any time as well. My Danny departed in June of 2004- My name is Betsy... He was, and still is AWESOME ...He was 25 and remarkable...xoxomamabets

[mikesmomrs]

The past couple of weeks of holidays and family gatherings have truly brought much pain to each of us here at BI, daily reminders that the holidays for all of us who have lost a child are now very different; a huge piece of our lives is missing, and these holidays will never be the same for any of us. Yes, we have lived through them, some of us for the first horrible time, and some of us for yet another holiday where grief overshadowed joy, and a sadness that no one should ever have to know lurked in the shadows. A sadness that cannot be named.

(On the site that CLAUDIA (4everjoeysmom) mentioned a few days ago (http://www.athealth.com/consumer/disorders/parentalgrief.html), there were many things written in the article "The Death Of A Child - The Grief Of The Parents: A Lifetime Journey" that those of us who have lost a child can truly identify with, but one of the things that kind of stood out for me was at the very beginning, a quote, part of which said [unlike the words “orphan” or “widow” or “widower”] “...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is!” )

Even the happiest memories of Christmases or other times before our loss don’t chase the sadness away for long, because the sadness is for the most part relentless, and quickly—cruelly—reminds us that those memories are all we will ever have. The opportunity to make more memories has been taken from us, and we must be content with those we have; we must wring from them all the joy we can. And the cycle repeats itself—we remember something good, and then we just as quickly remember that that good thing will never be repeated and once again the joy of the memory has been stolen from our hearts by the thief of reality.

But, I thought on what Kathy (ERIKSMOM) had said in an earlier post, about our need to hear that it WILL get better, and if not better, at least softer somehow, as MAMABETS has said, and so over these last few days I have tried to focus on things that were a positive experience, something that would actually make me smile for a bit. It wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t like there weren’t ANY. There were some. Buried in sadness sometimes. Tiny sometimes. A little bigger sometimes. Never BIG. But, there, nonetheless. There.

This past weekend, we took Mike’s two youngest boys to lunch at Friendly’s. The youngest, Damon, is 2 and the next older, Kameron, is 9. Damon, of course, stole most of the show, with his cute little 2-year old antics, but Kameron held his own for attention, as he is a sweet and sensitive boy, with a huge imagination, and the typical exuberance of a 9 year old; everything that happens is something to be examined, explored, and analyzed. Being with them can be so bittersweet for me sometimes; they remind me so much of their dad that it tears at my very soul, while at the same time, they fill my heart with joy for that very same reason. And then I am reminded that they will never have more of their dad than they already have (and for a 2 year old, that isn’t a lot) and that we must work diligently to keep the memories they do have alive and strong in their growing minds.

But this day seemed different somehow, less “bitter” and more “sweet.” More smiles and talk. Both boys were drawing while we were waiting for our lunch. Damon, of course, was “drawing” scribbles all over his mat, but Kameron was diligently drawing about “igmus” rocks and their formation, that he had learned about at school this past week, and excitedly telling us all about it as he drew. While I was watching him, I looked around, and suddenly realized that we were sitting at the same tables where we all, including his dad, had sat one day last February, when we all had gone out to lunch on the spur of the moment one afternoon, and laughed and joked and teased each other as we ate huge sundaes. I mentioned it to Kameron, and he looked around, and also realized that it was the same tables. He looked at me and we smiled at each other, and I felt a sense of warmth and love from the memory, instead of the usual pull of sadness at my heart that occurs when I remember something like that. And I went with it. I let it move its way through my mind and into my heart, and it actually felt good, and I was thankful for the memory. Nothing more, nothing less. Just, for those few moments, thankful for the memory, and not sad. As if to bless that memory with even more sweetness, when we got home, I remembered that I happened to have our camera with us on that day in February, and we had actually taken pictures of all of us at the restaurant. How cool was that!?

And so, I wanted to share this good thing with you all, this one good thing, this moment of time when a memory brought me joy and was not immediately overshadowed by the sad thought that it could never happen again, and from that memory came the essence of the promise that one day, with God’s help, this deep, sad place I am in will not seem so dark, so lonely, so empty. As Kathy (ERIKSMOM) said, maybe on another day this memory will bring tears, but this day, in the middle of many days of many tears, it made me happy. I pray that we will all find a memory now and then that will only bring joy to our hearts, or even just less pain—-with that essence of the promise for the future.

I am less than three months out from the terrible day we lost our precious son after his very courageous battle with brain cancer, but for those of you who are even newer to our "family," my prayers go out to you for peace and as MAMABETS said, we are here for each other, 24 hours a day. I have found strength and friends on BI, and thank God every day for having been led here. Many of us, if not all, believe that our children have led us here, to comfort each other, to give strength to each other.

God bless us all.

Carol - MIKESMOMRS

I'm sorry for the lengthy post, and hope you all understand.

[julsmom]

to all, my we all find peace and comfort in the New Year. It does get easier in a different sort of way, there are happy times, which now can overshadow the sad times.

To those who struggle with their faith, perhaps you may find comfort in these words of Rev. William Sloan Coffin, whose son died in a car crash:

http://www.pbs.org/now/society/eulogy.html

He gave the eulogy for his son.

Also, if you can read it (it has been slow going for me to read), Elizabeth Edwards book, Saving Graces, is especially well written. I wish I had her appitude for words.

Peace to all, Lynda

[donosmom]

Doug Manning (he has written many books on grief and counsels) has come to our Compassionate Friends meetings he tells a story about a Mother who had lost her daughter and about the pain he said after time instead of the grief and pain being face to face the grief softens and moves to heart to heart. We are at the 3 ½ year mark and I can honestly say for the most part it is heart to heart. The first 2 years are simply indescribable then the grief begins to change to soften and the memories become the treasures bringing more smiles than agonizing pain. I don’t think those first 2 years I would have ever believed that. I still have plenty of difficult days, I still miss Matthew more than can ever be imagined, his birthday, death day and holidays still just stink, but I do have good days where I have Joy and laughter, we are learning to integrate Matthew’s death into our lives.

July 20-22 my chapter of The Compassionate Friends will be hosting the 2007 National Conference, we have some wonderful speaker’s lined up. Elizabeth Edwards will be speaking and the founder of TCF Simon Stephens. If any of you would decide to come please let me know so we can be sure and meet up.

Matthew’s Mama Mary

11/3/79 – 7-13-2003

[rhonda68]

Claudia thanks so much for the web site http://www.athealth.com/consumer/disorders/parentalgrief.html it was very helpful.

Also to Lorismom thank you so much for the site GOD ONLY CRIES video I have listened to this 20 times a day I find it very helpful.

Also one thing to be thankful for is all of you here on Beyond Indigo you have been my friends for nearly 2 years and you never left me THANKS!

Lorismom I also passed the video on to my cousin that lost her baby 1 year 28 days old- she played the song at the memorial service.

THANKS to all here!

Richards Mom

[rhonda68]

I had to go back in and get the web site for GOD ONLY CRIES video

http://us.video.aol.com/video.index.adp?pmmsid=1646543

I LOVE this video.

Richards Mom

[janeensmom]

Thank you mamabets for your kind note. I am sorry for your loss and I do know how you feel. I am hoping that I can connect somehow with this world again. The holidays were a horrible ordeal, none of use really knew how to cope except to mechanically go through the motions. The months from Nov-Feb have been some of the most disturbing because of holidays, her death, and her birthday. Please share your story with me if you wish my email is vikki_ls@yahoo.com and my name is Vikki.I need to know that I am not going crazy and that I will survive this, right now I am not so sure.... Blessings, Vikki xoxoxo

[lorismom]

For Rhonda ~ I am so glad that the video "God Only Cries" brings you some comfort. I cried the first time that I watched it. I'm also glad that you were able to share it with your cousin. I am so sorry for the loss of her baby.

For Vikki ~ I just want to welcome you to Beyond Indigo and to say that I am deeply sorry for the loss of your 33 year old daughter, Janeen. She was about the same age as my daughter, Lori. She was 34 at the time of her accident. It's been almost 3 years now. I hope you will continue to come to BI. There is a lot of love, support and understanding. This special family has helped me so much to realize that the feelings that I have felt on this long journey have been normal.

Love and peace to you all.......

Patty

[kathy714]

Dear Rhonda,i am so sorry again to hear about your cousin who lost her baby,how awful,my prayers are with her and her family.Rhonda,you and i started on this site together,almost 2years ago,i can't believe,that our angels have been gone two years.It seems like now everything in my life is based on the timeline,before Nate passed and after,i feel my life has just been a blur these last two years.I agree with you thank god we found B.I.i can't imagine how i would of made it through these last two years,if i didn't have B.I to run to every time i thought i was going crazy,or to sad to get out of bed,or just to share some wonderful sign from Nathan,and to help another grieving parent...T/C I hope you are doing ok,Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[kathy714]

Dear Janeensmom,i am so sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter,Janeen,my heart goes out to you and your famly,B.I.is a wonderful site,i thank God for this site and all the friends and support i have recieved here over the past two years.I loss my son Nathan,Jan31,2005,on his 21st birthday...T/C K athy,Nates mom 4 ever

[brknhrt]

To all my fellow travelers:

This is a hard journey to take, I\'m so sorry for the loss of your children that brought you here.

One of the most important lessons that I have learned while struggling along this journey is to abandon expectations. When people tell you that “it will get better” I think what they mean is, the pain will change after time. It will never get better, it will just get different.

“It” will never get better, How could it? You have lost a very significant part of your body, spirit and soul. But the pain will change. The grief will always be breath taking and debilitating. There are times that you are completely enveloped and buried in the pain both physical and emotional. Those periods will become easier to control. You will discover that you can be stronger than you ever imagined.

As time passes just when you think that you are in complete control something will catch you completely off guard. You will feel the pain and anguish just like in the beginning. You will wonder if you are healing at all. But you are healing. You just are experiencing your life and your life is different.

A coping mechanism that I often use is to look around myself. All the other people that inhabit this space with me seem to be so happy. Then I realize that everyone walking this planet has a broken heart. We have all lost something or someone dear to them. They are looking at me and thinking that I am the one who is happy. I have learned to treat myself and others with much more care.

In other words…abandon expectations.

Take every phase as it comes; deal with it as you feel the strength. If you don’t feel strong enough, put it aside in your brain. The feelings will not go away they will always be waiting there. My nana used to always say “I’m to busy to worry about this now, and besides I have all night to worry about it”. As you get stronger you will be able to deal with the feelings better.

The second lesson is; Grieve on your own terms. Accept other peoples comments in the spirit in which they are given. Remember they have expectations. Thank them for their advice and concern. Then do what you want and need to do. If that means crying for hours on end do it. If it means visiting a memorable place then do it. Just grieve on your own terms.

I hope that this rambling letter helps someone; I know it has helped me just to write down my thoughts.

Peace and strength

Johnsmom

1977-2000

[kathy714]

Dear Donosmom,can you please let me know where the TCF National Confrence is being held,i don't know ,is it in the same place every year,and what is the date,thank you..Kathy

[kathy714]

I want to share a sign that my husband recieved this morning,he is not a big believer in signs,so for something to freak him out,its big.I live in Rhode Island,and we use to have Best Eaton Coffee shops,and about two years ago they all switched to Tim Horton,well we have a picture Nate and his friend Jen on my computer table,and in the picture Nate is holding a cup of Best Eaton coffee,Nate and i loved their coffe and were heart broken when they switched over..Well today my husband went out to get the paper and right outside the door under the pine tree in my yard was a Best Eaton coffee cup.It really freaked him out,he was like, Kathy where could that of come from they have been closed over 2years...I don't know ?? T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[donosmom]

This years conference will be in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. It will be from July 20-22. July 19 will be professional day. The conference is in different cities every year. We have been working very hard since last July to get this together I believe it will be really healing we have great workshops planned and wonderful keynote speakers. Here is the link for the National office http://www.thecompassionatefriends.org/ more information will be available on the website here soon.

Matthew's Mama Mary

11/3/79 - 7-13-03

[janeensmom]

Thabk you Kathy714 for your compassion. I to am sorry for your loss and and glad to hear you say that this forum has helped you in many ways...I hope I can be part of it even if it to just vent...I am having a very hard time today anticipating the one year anniversay of my beloved daughters death 1-17-2006. I honestly don't know how I have come through this so far...it is the most horiffic pain anyone can go through. I know I am mot alone in this journey. I wish we could all have things the way they were but we all know that will never happen. The realization that she is really dead has finally sunk in and I am without words. Hugs to all you moms and dads.

To brknhrt...your message touched my soul today. Thank you for writing it. The fact that you stated that "the pain never gets better" when it really means "that the pain will change" was a profound statement to me. I have been trying to explain that to people and most of them say oh, it will get better, and I say better for who? I am sorry for your loss...Blessings Vikki,Janeensmom

[philipsmom]

Brknhrt - Thank you for your words. Hearing from parents who are further along this road is very helpful to me. My son has been gone for nine months and these last few days I have felt like I can't go on. I think it is finally starting to sink in that he is gone forever.

Kathy - That is surely a sign! How else to explain it? That is so cool. I've had a few signs myself but I keep wanting more.

Blessings to all of you.

Nancy

Philip's mom 4ever

[alwaysmyjennifer]

MaryJo, I'm in no way offended by your innocent question. Jennifer was kidnapped, raped, and beaten to death. As her body was never recovered, we weren't given what so many have, and that is a place for her burial. I consider the beach where she was kidnapped a sacred and special place. I live on the other coast, so I hope to travel there to see where it is that she was last seen alive by the friends she loved. Part of our emotional healing is releasing the painful feelings and thoughts, so I grately appreciate your question, which caused me to answer and talk about this more. Please pardon my delay in writing, for my wife has again been ill (she has MD), and I needed to tend to her needs. My prayers and thoughts rest with you, and with each of you here, that you may be given peace of mind and soul. God bless. Mark, Jenni's dad

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Rhonda, I'm sorry it's been so difficult for you too. I'm sorry I've been unable to write til now - wife was in hospital again. It's enough by far that you must grieve for your precious child, but when this world's simple sages offer their "wisdom", just let it roll. You are a wonderful person, and you have all the right in this world to grieve in any way you so desire (as long as you don't do harm yourself or another person). Doesn't the Sesame Street Show even teach our kids and grandkids to treat others with respect? Where did Big Bird go wrong? What to do? Give yourself time each day to remember your precious child. Give yourself time each day to nurture yourself (you are so very worth it). Give yourself a little treat now and then, like tickets to that jazz club downtown (when it comes to the treats I give myself, those tickets rank tops). May you be blessed with peace in your heart. here, hugs, Mark, Jenni's dad

[ronsmom]

The new year has hit and new people are joining in this awful club of ours. I'm so sorry for all of you. Had I known years ago what it was like I would have tried alot harder to help those who have lost their children, I never knew. Like most I thought "wow, thats horrible" but after that I never knew what to do either....so I went on with my life. Occasionally wondering how that mom or dad were feeling, but being ignorant, not asking, not communicating. Now my ignorance at those times makes me feel ashamed, as I have known alot of beautiful people who have lost their beautiful kids, I want to go back and cry with them, hug them, write to them, call them,send them cards, or Something. Let them know I will be there for them.

For the new people this is what its like, someone wrote in here a little while ago grieving "Is What It Is"...its a roller coaster. Its your childs name forever emblazzened in your head and it spins in there calling out to you every single minute of every single day. Its Flashes of pain and sobbing, you wonder where in the world your body held all this water. Sometimes a day or two maybe more will go by and you don't feel that intense, you might even feel a little guilty cause you got busy and didn't "think" or "react" to this horror all day long, or for 2-3 days..then it hits again. I've gone as long as 9 days and one word, one gesture, one little thing will cross me and WHAM I'm back to day one. Then I go back to the darkness. Climb out and start over. Everyday brings me something new. I've been on this road for 18 months now. I do realize NOW that my beautiful son is gone. He was too loving not to have called me by now. So I know he's gone. This hit me before Christmas and I had the worse two weeks since I heard the news. It all hit me, I'm climbing out now. How? By putting one foot in front of the other and keeping thoughts of him laughing, and playing in the sky, thats where he is and thats where he always wanted to be "in the sky" so I know he's smiling, also I got a belated Christmas card with a poem in it, won't repeat it as some of you may have seen the same or similar, but it simply stated, "don't cry now, I'm having Christmas with Jesus"........that kind of woke me up too. Cause I'm sure he did! My pain and grief will continue as it is, off an on, off an on , and on til I die. I just feel everyday that goes by is bringing me closer to going to play in the sky with him. until then I just plod forward and will try to spend some of the 24 hours a day looking happy and doing for the rest of my family to help them get there too..........

blueskies everybody and please know I think of each and every one of you in here and I read your stories and shed my tears for your losses, when I see a "date" coming up I light candles for you and yours hoping to send a little warmth to your hearts, I know your hurting and I feel your pain.

Bonnie

[shirleybjsmom]

hi vikki i'm b.j.'s mom shirley, i'm very sorry that you have lossed your precious janeen. I usually go to loss of a teenager, for i have lossed my precious son age 16 at the time of his death on oct.28th, 2005 i've learned early on as you have that our pain will always be there tuck in our hearts sometimes not visable to the out side but the pain we feel will never go away it chances a little as each new day the Lord gives to us and i firmly believe that when God created us he lent us to our parents until his plan was in place for us to fullfill. he doesn't do this for punishment and i think he griefs for us but also rejoices in the fact one of his children has come home.

[shirleybjsmom]

Hi Bonnie I'm Shirley your words are very wisely spoken and so true. and what ever we have to do in our mortal lives for survival so be it the need to honor our loved ones and to keep their memories alive is so very important i think this is what keeps me going. if anyone would like please go and light a candle in b.j's memory. in the few times i've been on this site i've come to realize that there seems to be very warm and comforting people. i was wondering if anyones loved one was an organ donor as b.j. was. thats a story in itself. i guess i should tell you that i'm a parent who usually goes to loss of a teenager. but we all know that the loss and hurt is all the same no matter what the age is.

talk back at you later the babies are calling for attention

[briansdad]

shirleybjsmom

My son Brian was an organ donor. He was only 24.The organization that manages organ donation has a ceremony each year to honor and thank donor families. They give us a gift every year. They also have donor recipients speak and thank all the donor families for a second chance at life.

It's a very touching ceremony.

[peacefulnow]

Hi Friends, I’ve reached another new experience in trying to move forward. It has left me with such mixed emotions. Some of you have been through this already or have thought of the situation and how you might react to it.

My son, who passed away one year ago, had a fiancé. They lived together for several years. She was in denial about the seriousness of Ian’s illness, but she stood by him. For that, I will be eternally grateful. I knew, and actually hoped and prayed, that she would be able to move on when Ian passed away…finding love again and finding happiness with another man. Well, the time has arrived. Part of me is happy about this, but I have to admit that it bothers me too. She’s young and beautiful and sweet and I knew she would find someone else eventually. It’s good news really. When I used to think of her, I felt so sad for all that she had to go through…the pain and grieving. Now I’m released from that. I can think of her without the sadness. I know she’s moving forward and finding happiness again. It’s time to let her go. I could see it coming, the contact with her became less and less. I realized that we were just painful reminders to each other of a very sad and painful time. It is time to gracefully step aside and let her begin a new life.

Okay, that’s the sane and logical me speaking.

Here comes the other side… the raw emotion and irrational me. How could she replace my beautiful son? That is a luxury I won’t ever have…I can’t replace Ian…ever. I can’t, and I wouldn’t want to, even if I thought I possibly could. She’s even moving back into the same neighborhood that she and Ian lived in. Doesn’t that bother her? Don’t the memories of their time together there haunt her even a little bit?

I know that it’s unfair to compare the relationship of a couple to the relationship of a parent and child. It’s different, and I know that. But it feels like Ian’s memory is slipping away. It has slipped away from the woman he loved to the point where she is ready to love someone else. Everyone else around me seems to be letting their memories fade too. Unless I bring up Ian’s name, nobody talks about him. And when I do start talking about Ian, people seem uncomfortable and eager to change the topic. Why? He is still an important part of me and always will be. Am I supposed to pretend that he never existed? How has everyone else been handling this? Cindy

[4everjoeysmom]

Joey loved only two girls in his life. I have been in contact with both of them, and like you, Cindy, it has become an understanding in my heart that constant communication is fading...the time has come for them to move forward. A part of me also is sad, because the last girlfriend (whose quote is first--below) I think was "the one". I always accepted each girl as my own and loved them because Joey loved them. I don't think either one of them will ever forget Joey, or that anyone will replace what Joey brought into their lives. I do believe that young people bounce back to life as a survival gift that us older folks just are unable to exercise as well as they do--especially as a parent. I do pray both girls find the greatest happiness and love, because that's what Joey would want for them. Love is patient, kind, unselfish, slow to anger, etc, etc... What you feel is "normal" for what we've been through and continue to go through along this journey.

I want to share something each girl wrote about Joey... I think in this you can see how special love touches lives "forever", and that the significance of one love can never be overshadowed by another love. Each is different and hopefully as great as the other if not greater. But also with each love a very unique gift is born of that love than no one else could ever, ever replace. Others can add to it and make a person's life rich and full. But in some special place in the heart of these girls our boys will be remembered forever and loved for what they brought to their lives in times when all that mattered was each other. Love never dies...

Joey's last grilfriend wrote:

Words cannot begin to describe how much I miss Joey every single day. I instantly fell in love with Joey (as did my entire family). In fact, the night I met him, I came home and told my roommate "He's The One, I just know it." I miss him dearly, but I know that God has a plan for him. I also know that Joey came into my life to show me what true, unselfish love is like so that I would never settle for anything less. For that I am forever thankful. "When someone you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure." I love you so much J.

Joey's first girlfriend wrote:

Never have I known someone so well that could make you laugh and cry in the same minute. Joey was a spontaneous, caring and loving soul that will forever remain in my heart. To Joey--I miss you and can't help but to wish I could have talked to you just one more time... but in time, my friend we'll meet again.

Joey's first girlfriend wrote this even as she is engaged to another young man, and she is very, very happy with him. To these young women part of Joey will live on, even as they learn to love again. This is God's gift from our sons to others...the never fading footprints they leave on the hearts of those they loved and knew...

I hope this helps, Cindy. I'm thinking of you today, and I know your pain... Love, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

With regard to people forgetting or letting memories fade...

No one that knew our children will ever, ever forget them. As I mentioned earlier, our boys lived, loved, and left footprints forever on the hearts of those they knew and loved. The footprints will never fade. I think most people are afraid thay will say or do something to make us relive our pain or "stay in our pain". They don't realize that we will always be there, and not for anything anyone else has ever said or done. For us moms (and dads) our children are such a huge part of our existence and they significantly define who we are. While our children definitely impact the lives of others, no other relationship can define a person as much as being a parent--it's just not possible. They are a piece of us, our flesh, our genes, our history, our future, our everything. That could never, never fade away, even when their physical presence does..

I know my friends and family loved Joey. Not everyone talks his name as often as I do, or nearly as often. Not even Joey's brother... It's their way of coping... I have been graced with messages by Joey's friends who say they have sat around at their recent parties and shared memories of Joey--like he is there with them. That has done my heart so good. Even they don't speak his name as often as I do. But I do know in my heart they will NEVER FORGET...

I am trying hard not to take things personally by the way others cope with or wothout talking about Joey. It hurts, but it doesn't hurt nearly as much as losing him in the first place... That's why I created Joey's memorial web site. I can add to it and visit anytime. And I write Joey letters... I talk to him all the time.. and I cry a lot. It's just never going to mean to anyone else in the world what it means to me...his loss. He was my baby...

[shirleybjsmom]

Hi Briansdad

thank you for reply. would like to know more, like if you had went to the point of writing to any of his recipients and if any responded back to you and your family.I ask this Brian for we have and it feels so good to know no matter what was received even the smallest of them it still means that part of our love one lives on. would you like to tell me about what area the organ recovery unit is. we went through the one in western p.a. have been very pleased and continue to be with them. in may 2006 we went to their ceremony and it was touching. can share more if you would like.

[momofjoe]

Hi my dear new friends,

I hope you are all well....or as well as can be expected. I'm asking, no I'm begging....can any of you send some positive energy or even a bit a strength my way? I'm having such a bad, bad day. I do realize that tomorrow may be brighter but today everything about my son Joe passing away has been heavy on my heart. Sincerely, Mary Jo. p.s. my email, if anyone should want to use it is maryjo24@hotmail.com. Thank you.

[4everjoeysmom]

Momofjoe, I have had three very, very tough days in a row. Today I cried with my husband, and he just let me talk on and on...just listening, and it felt good. I am still at the verge of tears a lot, but I feel a little better than I did earlier. He stayed in this afternoon and watched a movie with me, which was super... Is there anything you can do that will take you to a mindles splace for a while--to relax and take a break? Sometimes if I can get involved in a movie, it just takes me away...if only for a little while.

I am so, so sorry you are struggling so. I know... There is heavy, deep grief in moments, and in other moments I do find a laugh or a smile, (usually from my puppy, but other times too). It comes and goes in waves, and it's normal, but you WILL make it through. I keep asking myself, "how am I going to make it through this?" And then I realize I'm just putting one foot in front of another, one moment at a time. It's all we can do... but YOU WILL have good moments. I promise!

I have your e-mail address now. I am going to e-mail you privately too... my e-mail is clab2010@yahoo.com If you want, and it would make you feel better, write me a book. I'm here for you... Love & Blessings, Claudia

[momofjoe]

MaryJo, I'm in no way offended by your innocent question. Jennifer was kidnapped, raped, and beaten to death. As her body was never recovered, we weren't given what so many have, and that is a place for her burial. I consider the beach where she was kidnapped a sacred and special place. I live on the other coast, so I hope to travel there to see where it is that she was last seen alive by the friends she loved. Part of our emotional healing is releasing the painful feelings and thoughts, so I grately appreciate your question, which caused me to answer and talk about this more. Please pardon my delay in writing, for my wife has again been ill (she has MD), and I needed to tend to her needs. My prayers and thoughts rest with you, and with each of you here, that you may be given peace of mind and soul. God bless. Mark, Jenni's dad

[momofjoe]

Mark, Jenni's Dad, thank you for answering my questions. I am new here & just learning. I must admit that I teared up reading your post. I am sending what little positive energy & strength that I have today your way. Thank goodness that we have one another here on this website, to share, vent, send strength & love. Always, Mary Jo

p.s. my email address is maryjo24@hotmail.com if anyone would like to communicate with this newcomer to the site . thank you so much momofjoe.

[lorismom]

For Momofjoe ~ Mary Jo ~ I am sorry to hear that you are having a bad day. I hope tomorrow will be a little brighter for you. Grieving for our children can take quite a toll on us, so try to be extra gentle with yourself. Even just a warm bubble bath with some scented candles and soft music can help lift our spirits. My thoughts are with you. Patty

[mikesmomrs]

To all: I know that we all seem to be reeling from the holidays and the impact they seem to have had on all of our emotions...emotions that were already so raw with pain and grief. My daughter came over this weekend and brought something that seemed so appropriate for right now for all of us. It was a small magnet, very plain, background was all black, with simple white letters, that read:

"Courage does not always roar; sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day, saying "I will try again tomorrow.""

I think that this is about all of us, each day we try, and each day we "try again tomorrow."

Love and prayers to all of you.

Carol - MIKESMOMRS

[mikesmomrs]

Momofjoe: I am thinking of you and praying for strength for you, Mary Jo. I am wishing positive energy to flow to you, along with much love from all of us to help you through this day. Love to you and your family, and may sweet memories of your precious son bring you peace in your heart. God bless... Carol MIKESMOMRS

[ronsmom]

Hi All...here is my lonely self once again visiting with my friends.

Carol: I love the saying on that magnet, that's it in a nutshell isn't it?

Mary Jo: so sorry for your loss and so sorry your in that monsters dark place..the only encouragement is to let you know you WILL have better days. I'm sorry that I can't say it goes away NEVER...but the days are up and down, but the pain is always right at the surface. Hang On, keep Talking HERE where everyone listens!!

Organ Donations: Wow, Ron wanted to be an organ donor, he was in the medical field and would've liked to have watched someone able to live on because of Him but unfortunately they couldn't use anything after his accident.

MARK: we haven't talked in a while, but good to see your still here plodding along with the rest of us, keep playing your jazz and grab the good moments..

As far as where I am right now, I'm not sure. I'm in limbo..trying so hard to stay away from the black hole, keeping my spirits up and staying busy. I am a pessimist by nature so I won't say I will just continue this way, cause I KNOW that place will and CAN grab me anytime. It took a very long time to climb out of there with my last fall. I wasn't sure I was going to make it back out. I must be a little stronger than I think cause here I am and now 6 days have passed since I made it out.

So this is Life now, up and down. Just enjoy your up days as much as you can and know they will come back. The hurt spins in our heads but keep thinking of where our kids are, someone sent me a card that said: "don't cry for me, I'm having Christmas with Jesus"......wow, theres a profound thought. If that don't make you smile for a second, nothing will. It will be our turn soon enough I suppose.

To All....peace today, enjoy something small, don't Dwell on any of this for a few hours and relax!Do something nice for yourself.

Blueskies!

Bonnie

[peacefulnow]

Mary Jo,

I'm sorry, other than knowing that you lost your beautiful son Joe, I don't know much else. Please feel free to share your story and feelings with me at this e-mail address if you feel it might help. cjciam2@hotmail.com

From my experience, it's very normal to have some very rough days, days that are just plain old gut wrenching. The pain and sadness are so intense that you feel as though your heart is breaking...again.

I could give you all the usual advice about being good to yourself, distract yourself with some mindless task, pamper yourself, etc. It's all good advice, if it works. For me that usually doesn't work. My mind, heart and soul are so saturated in grief that I seem to have no energy to do anything. It's as though the grieving takes hold and kind of freezes me in my tracks. Although it's very draining, I just let the tears flow. I let myself feel all the awfulness that the loss of a child brings. It's exhausting, but only when I let myself feel the pain can I slowly start to climb out of it once again. Boy, that sounds so dreadful. Truthfully I dread those days when they hit. But, I realize it's all part of the grieving process for me. Not fun, but necessary. I can't keep holding it in, it just seems to build and build until I confront it head on and accept it for what it is.

Fortunately, not all days are like that for me. There are good days. And maybe those difficult days make me appreciate the not so awful days. I'm always aware of the deep void that my son's death has left...it's always there to one degree or another. But, I can smile, laugh, and enjoy the good stuff too. My heart is broken. A part of me did die right along with my son. But he'd be really ticked off with me if I didn't at least try to make the best of it. I owe him that.

Mary Jo, I wish I could wave a magic wand or offer some profound advice that would make the hurt go away. But, I can't. We can all lean on each other here at BI when the sad days overwhelm us. It helps so much to know that there are people out there who know exactly how you feel and really care. Embrace those moments of peace and tranquility...they are there. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Cindy

[janeensmom]

Hi everyone....six more days until the first anniversary of my wonderful daughter Janeen's death 1-17-2006. My insides are just a mess, my heart hurts , my nerves are shot can't quit crying....I thought things would be better by now but it feels like it just happened! Help..............Vikki