Loss of an Adult Child

[maureensmom]

Dear Carol:

I also cried while I read your message. That's exactly how I felt at 2 months. But we had to pick up Maureen's ashes a week after her cremation. I thought I was going to faint in that sunny, empty parking lot at the funeral home. We picked a bronze box for her, with my husband holding it in his lap while I drove us - all of us - home. I also couldn't conceive of my beautiful, vital 20 year old reduced to ashes in a box. I still have totally irrational thoughts about it, like "she can't come home because I cremated her". And the crying in the car on the way to work, I still do that. I sit in the parking garage until I get control of myself.

Maureen had no time to do anything. No marriage, no children, no mark on the world, except in our hearts. I hate it that the world just smoothed itself out, like ripples on a pond, and marched on dispite her death.

But it does get less agonizing as the months go by. I have longer intervals of just being depressed, vs. incapacitated by grief.

Georgia

[aprilsmom]

Okay, I can't help it--I just have to stop in here and SCREAM..............I HATE THIS PLACE WITHOUT MY DAUGHTER IN IT....PERIOD! My eyes are all swollen for work, well, I'll keep my sunglasses on. Having a glass of wine and trying to decorate the Christmas tree is NOT a good mix folks. I think one could SWIM in all of our tears. April brought my tree to my house in 2003 and that was HER last Christmas with us..............where did the last two years of my life go? I just fkin MISS her!

[rhonda68]

Kirksdad -I am outraged with the member of that board. I have found the schools to be terrible and I think it wouldnt hurt to teach them some about grief. The kids that have been so messed up because of the death and then having teachers like this mess them up even more I am mad and think its a HUGE problem that needs to be addressed within the schools.

Aprilsmom I am SORRY! ...... I hate this place as well without my son and know how you are feeling. I miss him terrible. At times i find my brain doenst work anymore I sit and stare into space. My son got up this morning and said mom whats wrong are you mad. Its an aful thing to go threw.

Thoughts are with all of you,

Richards Mom

[Kelly]

Hello all,

Thank you for being members of our message boards. In March I am going and speaking to a group of funeral directors who really want to learn how to help their families they serve better. The discussion is to help the funeral directors think about what death means to them (including their own) so that they treat people with more companission. I could really use your help by answering this short survey. The results will be shared with this group of funeral directors but not your name. Please copy and cut this link into a new browser to take the survey http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.asp?u=816323037425 .

Thanks!

Kelly Baltzell

President

Beyond Indigo

[4everjoeysmom]

We were so fortunate to have a very compassionate funeral director who helped us with everything we couldn't bear to do, including formally identifying our Joey's badly mangled body. I wish everyone who had to go through this could have the same gracious and merciful kind of person to help them. God bless you Mike for helping us to get through... 4everjoeysmom

[namarella]

One month from today (Jan. 14) will be the first anniversary of our son's death, his "angel date." We found out a week ago that our remaining child, our daughter, will be moving to Europe with her husband and our grandson (who was born 5 days after our son died) sometime late next month for a year, maybe longer. I know this isn't the same kind of loss, but it still feels like a loss and has been traumatic for my husband and me. Especially since our daughter has refused to grieve along with us, saying she can only focus on her joy in her new son. I understand how hard this has been for her - to deal with both great loss and great joy within such a short period - but it’s left my husband and me feeling like we’re grieving Eric alone, instead of as a family.

We have managed to have some talks with her, to let her know how this affects us, and I think she may be beginning to understand how her avoidance of facing her grief for her brother has hurt our relationship, and maybe even herself. I’m hoping we can keep communications open on this before their move to Europe (we live in Oregon). We were already dealing with our first Christmas without Eric, moving completely away from past traditions as they’re just too painful right now - and now have to deal with another huge change.

I know what Mommabert means about picking out a gravestone for her son...this isn’t what I wanted to be doing this time of year, but we recently did that also and it does feel like something we can DO for our son. Eric loved celebrating Solstice, the return of the light, and we’ll be lighting a fire on our deck on the 22nd.

Colleen, Eric’s mom

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Colleen,

I literally just spent an hour typing a response. I chose the preview post button so I could proof the way it was going to read, and poof! Vanished in thin air! I’ve read that others have posts vanish… I wonder if it’s a preview post glitch on this site… anyhow, I’ll give it another shot.

My heart really feels deeply for your situation. The news of your daughter moving away deeply compounds your grief. I understand how you must feel. It’s unfair and I am saddened for you. I hope that what I share with you will not seem insensitive, but perhaps can help you see another, broader perspective.

When my son Joey died, my son Patrick became the sole surviving child. He immediately became extremely concerned for his father and me, as we were the ones that lost a child. And of course everyone was calling, sending cards, and visiting to see how we (the parents) were holding up. Everyone cared for Patrick’s feelings too, but the natural response is to think, “Oh poor so and so have lost their son”. After several weeks of this I decided to do some research on surviving only siblings and grief. I learned a lot and am thankful I climbed out of my grief long enough to understand that of my son’s. I now know that my sole surviving son is grieving very deeply. He grieves very quietly, but he is grieving none-the-less. That doesn’t mean he isn’t grieving any less than I am or that our family isn’t grieving together. It just means he is grieving differently than I am. I read that many times sole surviving children feel greater pressure and responsibility toward the parents, to care for them, and may feel they are expected to compensate by acting and doing more for the parents than what they have been accustomed to when the sibling was alive. Feelings like that over time can cause a lot of pain and friction, further adding stress to the relationships within a grieving family. Sometimes it causes emotional difficulties and withdrawal. It broke my heart to think I might ever make my son feel guilty or make him want to withdraw because I need him to satisfy my perception of what it means to be a family grieving together; or that I might place on him expectations that he isn’t prepared or equipped to meet because in my grief I am more needy than I was before I lost my other child. Of course I don’t mean to bring this on him, but I can certainly see how easy that would be to do, especially after having it spelled out for me in reading case scenarios that didn’t have such happy-ever-afters.

I believe your daughter is grieving very, very deeply. I also believe she is a very blessed young woman to have a miracle baby who has been her bright light in a time of darkness and pain. She isn’t trying to cause you more suffering and pain. It’s unfortunate that such a move is painful, and the timing is so lousy. And it’s so hard for parents to let go of their children at any age, especially in such a painful time as this. She sounds like an amazingly strong young woman who is very happy and stable. Even though she is happy and stable, it does not mean that she isn’t grieving or “refusing to grieve with you”. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being joyful in motherhood and her life with her husband. It is very possible to have joy in spirit and motherhood while softly grieving outwardly, yet still carry deeper feelings of grief within. She’s a young mother who wants her child to know her joy in instead of her pain in these early formative years, and I can understand that as well. Babies are sensitive to their mother’s emotions. I’m sure she feels that, as any young mother is protective over especially her firstborn. I know I was. This is a huge change for her as well; a marriage, the death of her brother, a baby, and now a big move to a foreign place. It must be just a bit scary, I would think, and maybe a little exciting. But she shouldn’t be faulted or made to feel guilty for that. It’s the cycle of life, and she has what you ever dreamed for her—right?—a happy marriage and a beautiful, healthy child. She should feel joy for these gifts. Trust me in saying that she has her own set of circumstances that she will be reaching out to you more… It’s hard to live far away from family and to adjust to a new culture.

When we lose a child, it’s like we lose ourselves. We are never the same after such a loss. We become needy. We assume expectations we never even imagined before. It’s a difficult time, and an extremely sensitive time—for everyone in the family. People are different, and each one of us grieves in our own way. And for some, forging ahead with living is a little bit easier than it is for others, especially us moms and dads. I’m certain your daughter loves you very, very much. And I am certain she is deeply concerned for you in your pain and loss. It is her loss too. She probably is grieving sufficiently within without being talked into grieving on a deeper level so it’s more outwardly noticeable and suitable. I believe your daughter is doing what she has to do to live—for her sake, for her husband’s sake, and for the sake of her child. And if the time comes that she needs to let go of deeper feelings, I pray she will find her way into your open and waiting loving arms.

I moved to South America with my missionary husband just three months before my son Joey died. It was unbearable for me to be so far away, and I carry so much guilt about not being there. I had to return after two weeks of burying my son and getting his affairs in order. It just about killed me to leave again… to leave my other son. I cry every day, sometimes all day. I feel alone too in my pain. I think it’s just the nature of the beast. But it’s difficult for all of us. We are all grieving; myself, my son, my mom and dad—everyone. But just because we are grieving differently, and not in the same place, it doesn’t mean that we aren’t grieving “as a family”.

When the time comes that your daughter makes such a move, these days there are wonderful means of communicating long distance that keep the family very close. I use a program called Skype. I can get on the internet and chat with my family, or we can call computer to computer with a web cam (if on high speed internet) and see each other as we talk whenever we want to. It’s wonderful! I talk to my dad more often in this way than we ever talked when I was nearby. My son and I have great conversations. And my mom and I talk almost daily. Far away geographically doesn’t have to mean far away emotionally. Keep that in mind, so that you can hang onto knowing that you won’t miss seeing your daughter and your grandchild whenever you want and need to. It isn’t the same as being there, but it helps tremendously to keep families connected, no matter the distance.

I don’t know if what I wrote is helpful or not. When I read your post I cried. I know your pain and how difficult it is to feel alone in your grief. And I know what it is to have that compounded with geographical distance. But in times of deep grief, we often aren’t looking outside of what we need to see what our surviving child or children may need. It’s just too much. So I’m stepping out on a limb and praying that even one word may be helpful to you, and bring you comfort and hope in knowing that you are not alone. Your daughter cares and hurts too. And she will never be far away if you aim to keep her close to your heart. Just don’t squeeze to tightly…

I am thinking of you and praying for you, my dear sister in deep grief. Love & Blessings, Claudia

[ashleysmom]

Claudia, That was so very well put. I see myself struggling against some of the things you have mentioned. When Ashley died, my older daughter was still living at home. I was worried everytime she walked out the door. Then she got pregnant, married, and moved out and all of that coming really rocked my world. When she got pregnant everything changed. She would not let herself be sad because she wanted her baby to be happy. She continues to always have an upbeat attitude so Emma will always be a happy, well rounded baby. Sometime I worry that my daughter sacrifices too much of herself, but isn't that what we do? That's why we are all here...we loved so much. Anyway, it is beautiful to see my daughter happy and hopeful. Emma has done that for us as well, she has truly been a gift. She was actually due on Ashley's second "angel date" but had to be taken a week early.

Colleen, I will be praying for you. It must be so hard. It is really tough at almost one year, then to be facing another major life change. I hope that you will be able to set up communication (maybe the webcam) so you can stay close to your daughter and grandchild. I know it is now my tendency to push people who hurt me away to protect myself, sometimes to my own detriment. Please be very careful. I struggled really hard not to do this because I was so afraid of losing Crystal as well. This is my husband and my first Christmas alone. While this is a major ordeal for anyone who has raised children, I feel it is much worse for us. Having a really hard time, but am so thankful Crystal is having a wonderful time setting up her first tree, planning dinner and all of the things I so enjoyed when my children were here. This is the way I have to look at things now. I wish you peace, Dottie

[julsmom]

to all who have posted who are new - I am sorry for your loss.

to all about surviving children - it is very hard, we were about our surviving children and they worry about us. We have a surviving son and I know that sometimes we "dance" around Julie's death so that none of us are sadden. We went our surviving children to thrive and be well. It does put a lot of strain on everyone, especially during what should be happy times, such as the holidays.

Today, Julie would have turned 31. We are having our holiday party at work. But as many of you do too, I will put on my happy face to get through the day.

May all find peace and comfort. Lynda

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Lynda, Praying for you today...

Happy Birthday Angel Julie...

[mikesmomrs]

Claudia: I tried to email you, but I got it back with "address failure\" Is the email on your profile current? I just had a few things to write to you, and wondered if it is all right to do so? If so, please email me and let me know. thanks so much. MIKESMOMRS Carol sixbyproducts@comast.net

To all: These days are SO hard for all of us.

APRILSMOM and RHONDA: I am so sorry you are having such a terrible time. Please know that you have all of us praying for you, and for each other, that we will make it through these next couple of weeks, and be stronger for it, I hope.

To all of you with "angel dates" or birthdays coming in tandem with the holidays, my heart just aches for you, that must add so much more pain to an already overloaded cart. I pray God will send peace to you to help you through it.

Some of the recent posts have been so heartwarming, so heartbreaking, and so beautiful at the same time, all woven together, just like our lives. I do agree with those who have said that they believe our children have led us to this site. I have found so many things in common with many of you. I KNOW that you all have helped pull me through these past couple of months--I don't know what I would do without you--thank you, thank you. My wish would be that a site like this did not ever HAVE to exist, but I am so thankful that it does.

I was not able to go to the funeral home to bring the urns for my son's ashes after all. Each time I would go to put my coat on to leave, I just couldn't do it. Then, I was going to go with my husband, but he got home too late. Today I called to set up another time, and the wonderful funeral director, sensing my feelings, offered to come pick them up. He was so wonderful during the time he helped us with Mike's services, and he continues to be so. God bless you, Eddie and Micheal.

And God bless all of us, as we move forward through this maze of heartbreak.

MIKESMOMRS Carol

[mikesmomrs]

Lynda, I am praying for you and will keep you in my thoughts throughout the day. Happy birthday to your sweet Angel Julie.

[eriksmom]

We, too, have a surviving son and he is grieving very differently. Actually, each of us is grieving differently. As the mom, I cry, I wail, I swing from okay to horrible in minutes. I dwell on memories - or make myself sad, as my husband says. My husband doesn't verbalize his grief much, but he gets mad at things very easily. Another driver, something stupid at work, our son not picking up his dirty clothes. He just has a shorter fuse.

Our son doesn't outwardly grieve at all. That really bothered me at first. I thought he didn't care. But I know the day Erik died, Jeremey was devastated because it was just the two of us at home that morning. But after all the activity settled, family left and we started getting back to our routine, Jeremey just seemed to act like nothing happened. If he showed emotion, it was anger. Usually at me or his dad. So, I, too, started researching teen sibling grief and I found that they often just want things to get back to normal. Because in a young person's world, things get resolved very quickly. So, they want their parents to stop crying, they want others to quit asking them how they are doing, they want their lives back. And while they are longing for that, it feels like mom and dad are stuck, living in a memory. Pining for the child who isn't there. When I stop to think about it, Jeremey was always in Erik's shadow, and I'm sure he feels like that more than ever.

Last Sunday, when we lit a candle for Erik, we were all in the same place at the same time - emotionally and for a few hours. We each shared something about Erik that made us smile. Jeremey shared a lot, and remembering happy things together made him very happy. Afterward, we went to Jeremey's favorite place to eat, and we worked to keep up the lighter mood. We wanted him to know we aren't just living in Erik's memory - we're living for him as well. So, it was the four of us sitting in that booth - Dad, Mom, Jeremey and happy memories of Erik.

Yesterday, when I left work to cry so hard I threw up, I realized that grief is not for sissies. It tough as hell. In fact, it is hell. And it doesn't make it easier when people who love each other deeply are all grieving differently and judging one another. But, it's something we all do. Just another messy thing we have to work through, I guess.

Bless you all,

Eriksmom

[4everjoeysmom]

Eriksmom, Thanks for sharing your experiences with your grieving son. You are so right! Grieving isn't for sissies... I mean that in the best way. If you're tough to begin with, you muddle through. If you aren't so tough, by the time you begin to muddle through, you're tougher than you were. Either way, it's a tough business. It's hard enough grieving for our own loss. But to have to snap out of it to see what's going on in our family around us is hard work. It's enlightening, I think, for all of us to realize different things about our grief cycle, our behaviors toward others and ourselves, and the many, many steps we process through as we go from shock, devastation, grief, sorrow and lonliness, etc..., to the point where we actually begin to smile on occasion when we recall a beautiful memory. We're all human, and there is no method to the madness in grief. It is what it is. I am thankful we have this place to come and join together in sharing our experiences. I am learning a lot about myself in the process. Bless you all! Love, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Carol, Hi! I tried to e-mail you back and it bounced back with some kind of g-mail error message. So strange... I tried one more time via the contact card link here. Hope it comes through. If not, do you skype? -Claudia

[donosmom]

Boy the topic of children moving away has hit right on with me. My oldest daughter is a marine biologist and worked on commercial fishing boats in Alaska we live in Oklahoma. When she found out she was pregnant she came home as she could no longer to the job. She had a beautiful baby boy Aaron in September. Jennifer and Paul told us last week that Paul is leaving Christmas day to go back to Alaska and she will be going in March. It is breaking my heart but I understand that the money is running out and the bills are running in especially since she had a very difficult pregnancy, c-section and she is continuing with health problems so their medical expenses have been very high but I DON”T WANT HER TO GO! Then my youngest son has been accepted for the Border Patrol and he will be leaving in January to go to New Mexico for 4 months of training then stationed in either Arizona or California! I have had a child at home for 30 years I just can’t imagine them leaving. What will I do with my time and I am afraid of my grief when I don’t have them to focus on. 2 years ago I fell to the pit and I didn’t think I could crawl and scratch my way out but I did with the help of my kids. I know I should be thankful that I have had Jennifer home and close since April and Michael has lived at home until he got married a year ago and lives 2 blocks away but I guess I am selfish I want them all here. My youngest daughter is still here but she is a wild child right now and we don’t see much of her and we don’t approve of her behaviors and lifestyle so it is going to be very hard. Michael has worked for his dad since Matthew died and I worry a lot for him. I don’t know how he will handle things once Michael isn’t with him.

Sorry to ramble that seems to be the way my thoughts are these days. I always thought they would grow up get married and live across the street not across the country.

Matthews Mama Mary

11/3/79 – 7/13/03

[lorismom]

For Julsmom ~ Lynda ~ Just wanted to say Happy Birthday to Julie on her 31st birthday. I hope you will find comfort today in some of the beautiful memories that you shared with your precious daughter. Patty

[mikesmomrs]

Claudia: I got your "test" email, and replied, but don't know if it went through or not. have not gotten it returned yet, as least. maybe that's a good sign! I don't know what skype is but could find out if needed.

Carol

[4everjoeysmom]

Judy--thanks for your post in Joey's guestbook. He was quite handsome.. :-)

I tried many times to get to Keith's memorial site, but the url didn't work, and I tried it several ways. Can you give that again? There may have been a missing character in the name. I would really love to see your son Keith..

Carol, I got you r messages. Coming to you soon... -Claudia

[ashleysmom]

Lynda, Wishing you a peaceful day full of wonderful memories of your precious Julie.

[daveydow1]

Lynda,

Wishing you peace & tranquility on dear Julie's

birthday. May the love you have for each other

sustain you and give you comfort & light.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[julsmom]

thanks to all for your warm words. I don't know how you understood my post - too many errors!!!

We have received notification from the college Julie graduated from that they have received money in her name from some of her friends. She graduated in 1997 so I assume as part of the 10th year reunion plans they are asking for donations to the college. I am grateful her friends have chosen to contribute to the school and have remembered her in doing so.

Peace to all Lynda

[mikesmomrs]

DONOSMOM - Mary: I am so sorry that you are having these worries on your heart. I imagine it will be hard to deal with your grief when suddenly you are left without two of your children. I will pray for you and your family, especially for your youngest child. I know what it is like to have a wild child; my middle daughter was certainly a "wild child" for a few years, and there were many times I don't know HOW our family survived all of the problems created! Perhaps your youngest is still grieving too, and this is her way of releasing all the pain and anger? Was she close to Matthew? It is really hard to see your children grow up and leave the nest, but when it is complicated by the death of one of them, it must be heart-wrenching. I pray for strength for you to get through all of this and that all of your children will be safe in their chosen lives. I pray also for your husband, that he will be able to adjust to Michael's no longer working with him. Especially with the holidays here, I know your heart is working overtime handling all of these different issues going on in your life, and still trying to cope with your grief. I wish God's peace for you, Mary. We will all be praying for you.

MIKESMOMRS carol

[briansdad]

I wanted to share this with all of you. We released balloons at the car show Brian's buddies had for him Sept 30th ( his angel date) . I had attached cards with his web site on it.I just received a response.We live in St Louis, the balloon was found in TN almost to Nashville.Here is the wierd part.The lady that found it said it was in the middle of a field owned by her Mom right where her Dad died in a plane crash that he had built himself.Out of 100 balloons This was the only response.

[4everjoeysmom]

Briansdad, that is just so sweet and special. What a memory to treasure...

[ashleysmom]

Briansdad, WOW!

[kathy714]

Dear Briansdad,that is great,you must of been so surprised when you recieved that call!!Nathan's birthday and angel date is Jan 31st,his second year last year we sent balloons,i think i am planning to do the same this year,but i think i will put messages and maybe i will get a reply....t/c Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Briansdad, It's so amazing what happened with that balloon! My grandson is near St Lou. I hope that I can get out there to see him by next Easter. I miss that kid sooooo much! It was fun out there, but I'm needed at home. Take care, and may God's blessings be yours. Mark, Jenni's dad

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Mary, my wife and I ritualized many aspects of our children's lives, like first day of kindergarten, puberty (barmitzvah), college, etc. This helps them adjust to thier own impending adult life, and it helps mom and dad adjust to the grander picture of change. As I saw my grandson, I realized, life is about change. As I age, my grandchildren are starting out. I had to deal with a run amok child, a foster kid (I remember Alexis well!). We started out curbing her appetite for wander lust by removing the wallet. When we restricted the cash flow, she had no party money. The loose friends no longer wanted to "kick it" with her (whatever "it" was). As we increased the knot on the wallet's noose, she had to settle down to a "normal" 14 year old girl's lifestyle, studying in school, improving her grades, then actually beginning to help out at home. This process took about six months, and she kicked and screamed, but it worked. Be patient, and be firm. Remember, you are the parent, and you have the authority. The child doesn't have the authority. I'm praying for you. Mark, Jenni's dad

[kathy714]

Hi Alwaysmyjennifer,it is nice to hear from you,i hope youu are doing ok,and i hope your wife is doing well,it is hard during the holidays,with whatever we have going on,but i know your wife is ill and that must be hard.I will say a prayer for your wife,i know many said prayers for my husband when he was really ill,and they really did help,he seems to be hanging in,he is a better fighter then i am [i think]PEACE AND HAPPY HOLIDAY'S....T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Hi Everyone,you all are in my thoughts and prayers as we count down these days until Christmas,i know there are a lot of new parents who are going through the holiday's for the first time,and i know how hard it is,last year was my first,and i just kept myself really,really busy,but this year i just finally started to try to get into this holiday,i finally put up my tree [it took 3 days]and finally stared to shop,now i am panicing because i am running out of time.Christmas now feels like just a pain in the b&*#*.Also yesterday i was suppose to go with a friend of mine [she lost her son in june ]to a seminer called Seeds of Hope,it is a medium, and i woke up so sick, i never get sick,it was so strange,made me wonder,today i feel much better,i was so mad...well everyone please take care of yourselves,and i will say prayers to give you strength and peace during these differcult days ahead...Kathy,Nate's mom

[rhonda68]

Hello Kathy,

I am finding this year terrible even worse than last year. Everyday I have to talk myself into staying here. I dont want to be here anymore I am so tired of feeling like this. I keep saying to myself maybe I will feel better after christmas just hang in here and I keep reminding myself that I have to look after my other child. What a heartbreaking confusing life.

Richards Mom

[mommabert]

this not getting easy. if any thing it getting harder. i put josh's picture on a table bye my x-mas tree. josh made me a wooden deer when he was in the 9 grade.it is in the same spot i set it every year. this year i cant even smile . all it dose is make me hurt more. i cant beleive he is gone. this morn. every thing that happened on may 8 came rushing through my mind as if it just happened. i dont know if i can do this. i miss so much

[rhonda68]

mommabert,

I know how much it hurts. Its very painful. I woke up this morning feeling awful and the night my son died keeps going threw my mind. I am also sick of living this life and dont know how much longer I can hold on. One thing that keeps me going is my other son and trying to help others walking this terrible path. I wish I had the right words for us. Something to make us feel a little better even. I miss my son terribly and if i try to talk to others I just get rude comments.

Like (why are you like this),(why cant you get over it)so I try to deal with it myself. But I am going to start asking others not to think of my son but their child and see if they think they would do any better.

Love ya,

Rhonda

[eriksmom]

This is our first Christmas without Erik and our loss is so recent - not quite two months. We did put up a tree - just lights and two ornaments for Erik. We put a wreath and evergreen on Erik's grave. And we have up our nativity scene. That's all I could do. We had decided no gift-giving because none of us is up to shopping. But last night, my son and I decided that we had to buy toys for my nephew's little ones. They are the only little ones in the family and we probably will see them near Christmas. I have to give them something! Well, I have never been so inept at shopping in my life! We walked up and down the toy aisles, picking up something, putting it back, mumbling about not knowing what to get and finally, I bought one toy for the six-year-old and left the store. How hard is it to buy toys for two and four-year olds? Well, I couldn't. It wasn't sadness because it's been years since my Erik had "toys"; it was just plain confusion. Which, of course, is part of grief.

We have to all realize that we are not operating at 100 percent. Maybe 50 percent on our good days. So, little things will get to us. Small decisions will paralyze us. We really have to just go easy on ourselves. I am just waiting for this stupid year to get over and for the days to start getting longer. In the meantime, I will put on my "mask" and go to work, maybe wish holiday greetings to a few friends, even make Christmas dinner. But in my heart, I just want it over. I have no idea what next Christmas will be like - maybe better, maybe worse, maybe just the same as this year. But it will never be like it was and that makes all the difference. That's the thing that does us in: It won't ever be like it was.

Eriksmom

[kathy714]

Dear Rhonda,i understand how you feel,last year i think everyone was worried about how i was going to get through Christmas,but this year i guess i am suppose to be over it,and to me i feel even more lost than last year,first of all i can't believe it will be two years in Jan,and second i just miss Nate so much,i miss our talks,i miss his sense of humor,and i even miss his little hissy fits that he would have every now and then.i can also relate to what you said about how you keep thinking of the night your son Richard passed,i am always thinking,and wondering what did my poor son go through,i have visons of him out in 10 degree wheather freezing to death,and what was that girl thinking ,to invite him down to where she was working,serve him drinks,then let him leave in that condition.This is a long sad road we are now living,and i wish i had some words of enlightment for others,but today i just don't,sorry bad day...T/C Kathy,Nates mom 4 ever

[mamabets]

For All~ I am thinking about everyone- We are a sea of people, all in this same boat, lost but with each other... Up and down, in and out as we journey on. I have been worried about my Mom- She fell a couple of weeks ago, really broke the right elbow, surgery and now in rehab to get some strength back. She is almost 81, and I hear her voice on the phone...This has really knocked the wind out of her sails, and I am so aware how they don't "bounce back" like they once did. She had just been here, a very active 80!! I have been knocked for a loop emotionally with this...Gosh, to think that I use to cope better than anyone I knew!! Oh well, one day at a time- I love you all, will be on here lots during the holidays- Am I scurrying around like a nut?? NOPE- LOL- I went out today and the madness was just too much- People flying around in every which way!!! The day will come and go and Dean and I will keep it very low key..Have to for the sake of the sanity!!! {I will make Dean's favorite Eggs Benedict Christmas morning-} I have so much on my mind and in my heart, that I just have to go with the flow of it all...We all do~ I will make sure that memories are made- I always do something special Christmas Eve- I get "spiritualy" super motivated and it's then that I really feel the "magic" of it all... I do love the decorations all over, this I must say. Peace, I will do all that I can to encourage a wave of gentle peacefullness for all!! We are really excited about Julia and her baby sister that will be here in her new world before we know it!! This is a very special time~ Danny always came up right after Christmas and so I am just numb to this huge part of my Christmas that is so painfully different- We did do our Superman tree, new little baby ornaments too on the tree- Little thngs to help celebrate! Julia sang a solo/duet with a little boy named Daniel last week in her school play- That was a wonderful gift, even though we are so far from them. Keep plugging along, everyone, and know that we are all here for each other! You all amaze me, and I thank God for the gifts that each of you bring into my life...xoxomamabets

[robsmom]

I AGREE WITH YOU I WENT TO TOYS R US TO BUY GIFTS FOR MY GRANDSON, 16 MOS OLD. WALKED AROUND THE STORE IN A DAZE. COULDN\'T BELIEVE I COULDN\'T DECIDE WHAT TO BUY S 16 MONTH OLD. I KNOW I SPENT A LOT OF MONEY BECAUSE AS STRANGE AS THIS SEEMS I KIND OF FEEL THAT I SHOULD BE OVER COMPENSATING MY OTHER TWO CHILDREN. WHY BECAUSE THERE IS ONE MISSING? DO I FEEL IF I GIVE THEM EVERYTHING THEN IN SOME WAY I WON\'T MISS ROB AS MUCH? I DON\'T KNOW. I DO KNOW THAT IN ORDER TO GET THROUGH THIS I HAD TO BUY HIM A GIFT. I BOUGHT HIM A FLEECE SHIRT THAT I KNOW HE WOULD HAVE LIKE AND I AM GOING TO WRAP IT AND PUT IT WITH THE REST OF THE GIFTS. THAT IS THE ONLY WAY I PERSONALLY AM GOING TO BE ABLE TO GET THROUGH THIS. MY SON KEITH WILL ULTIMATELY GET THE GIFT OR I WILL WEAR IT MYSELF ALL I KNOW IS THAT THIS REALLY SUCKS.

NOW THAT I BOUGHT ALL OF THIS STUFF I THINK I AM JUST GOING TO GIVE IT TO THEM IN THE BAGS I BOUGHT IT IN BECAUSE I DON\'T THINK I CAN WRAP IT. THE LIGHTS ARE ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE, NO TREE, BUT THE LIGHTS LOOK BEAUTIFUL, JUST LIKE HE WOULD HAVE LIKED IT.

I DON\'T WRITE EVERYDAY BUT I DO READ EVERYDAY. I LOVE YOU ALL AND MY WISH FOR ALL OF YOU IS JUST A LITTLE PEACE. WHILE I KNOW EVERYONE OF US WANTS TO PULL THE COVERS OVER OUR HEADS AND WAKE UP WHEN THIS IS ALL OVER, WE ALL KNOW THAT THIS IS NOT THE CASE. SO A LITTLE PEACE WOULD BE NICE IN A WORLD THAT ALL OF A SUDDEN IN A SPLIT SECOND HAS BECOME MORE CRUEL, AND HORRIBLE THAN WE COULD HAVE EVER IMAGINED.

SO THIS IS MY WISH TO ALL OF YOU FOR THIS HOLIDAY SEASON. PEACE. AND LETS NOT FORGET TO SHOW THE ONES THAT ARE LEFT THAT WE LOVE THEM EVEN MORE.

ROBSMOM,FOREVER, FROM HERE TO THE COUNTRY AND BACK AGAIN.

[mikesmomrs]

I, too, had to go to the store to buy gifts, for my grandson—my son’s two year old, his b’day was last week. I also walked aimlessly through the aisles, couldn’t think, couldn’t focus, finally just stood in the aisle for 2-3 yr olds, and took a couple of things and put them in the basket and checked out. My mind is numb, not functioning. Every time I go into a store, I am reminded that I no longer have to look for something to try to make our son more comfortable, as I did those last weeks of his life: softer sheets to help prevent his skin from breaking down, because he could no longer move around, softer t-shirts, that I would have to cut up the back to make it easier to put them on him, because it hurt him so when we moved him to try to put them over his head. All these thoughts and more, fill my mind, as I try to think, but can’t. I can’t focus. I try to, but it just isn’t there most days.

It seems that Christmas this year mocks me and throws darts at my heart, sometimes daggers, as I try to gently test each memory to see how painful it's going to be to relive it. Will thinking of Mike's love of egg nog be a comfort or a stabbing pain? Will his stocking, held tightly in my hands, feel like prickly pears as I hang it, or a warm, loving delight to remember him excitedly dumping out its contents, smiling, giggling. I look at his name, woven into the design, and hear again his giggle, quickly eclipsing the years, turning into the deep laugh of his adult voice, his impatient sigh, whether he was 3 or 30, saying "When can we open our stockings, mom? Come on, mom, let's open them now!" 29 Christmases, running through my mind like a quick, flipping, newsreel of the "olden days." Even the one year that he wasn’t here—he was at his sister’s house in Virginia that year—we all opened our presents as we talked on the phone, sharing, laughing, crying, but crying tears of joy. Finally, I can stand the indecision no longer, and I take out the piece of red yarn that has tied his stocking to the railing for umpteen years, and once again, run it through the loop, tie it around the railing, and the stocking is hung, between mine and his father's stockings, just like always. But, the silence that envelopes me like a shroud, reminds me that it's NOT just like always. This year, only the stocking will be there. No anticipation. No laughter. No excitement. Just the stocking. And I remember. And I cry. And my heart is screaming, silently Maybe next year we can make new memories. We need to, for our two daughters, for our grandchildren, and for ourselves. But this year, we will not. This year we will pull out all of our old memories, and go through the motions, put on our mask, and “get through it.” Like ERIKSMOM, I know that Christmas will never be like it was. Never. And I cry, for all that was and all that never will be again. MIKESMOMRS - Carol

[kathy714]

Dear Ronsmom,i did the same thing last year,i went crazy buying for every one to try to fill the gap,i ran myself almost in the ground .The one good thing though,i buy alot for my 6 nieces ans nephews,their mom passed 2 weeks before mine in 2001,but i already told everyone i am not going crazy this year. i have a nephew who is 16,and he always thought the world of Nathan so last year i picked out a hooded sweatshirt that i thought Nate would love and gave it to my nephew,i plan to do it again this year...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Dear Mikesmomrs,reading your post broke my heart in to a million pieces,as sit and look at my tree with years of ornaments,that i have collected with my kids,never thinking that i would be sitting here mourning the loss of my youngest son,last year i didn't even attempt to look at them,but this year i wanted to remember.My heart goes out to you and everyone here,and your post tells it so well..T/C K athy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[kathy714]

Dear Mamabets,i am so sorry about your mom,i hope she is doing ok,i hope you are also hanging on through these rocky holiday's. I am sorry i haven't had a chance to talk,i haven't been on much,and when i do it is after midnight,i will try to catch you online Friday or Sat,so we can catch up on things before Christmas.T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[julsmom]

To all may you find peace and comfort this holiday season. Like all of you, all the past Christmases race through my head and I too long for those days. We try to keep the same traditions but I cannot hang the stockings. They were only for Julie and her brother and seeing only one is too empty for us to do. I read every day although I post very little. Mamabets I am sorry about your mom. I hope she heals well.

Peace to all. Lynda

[mom2angels]

{{{Friends}}} ~ Just dropping by to tell you that I am praying for all of you, as I do every day of the year. The holidays are just so stressful for all of us that I've stepped up my prayers asking for inner peace and solace for each one of you.

We miss our beloved children, and the holidays are stark reminders of their physical absence. As we struggle with the intensity of the season, let us all remember that our children are still with us. They are not just in our memories and in our hearts, they are living on the Other Side, surrounded by love and serenity.

I know it's a lofty concept, and it's difficult to wrap our minds around it, when we are still Earth-bound and relating to others entirely in the physical nature of relationships.

Our children's bodies died; their vessels are gone. That part of them left us.

But their spirits live on, and their lights are shining brilliantly. More amazing than any man-made holiday lights on any street on Earth. We should light up our trees and homes in honor of their radiant light.

Whether we have received or recognized their signs and contact, they are with us. How many of us have shared here occurrences for which there is only one explanation? How many of us have talked about signs, which we feel certain are messages from our children? Too many of us, and too many throughout the world, for us to be skeptical about life Beyond Indigo.

They know our hearts are breaking, and they know how utterly treacherous the holidays are for us. Surely, they must want us to do only what we feel we are able to do. They must want us to take care of ourselves, especially during this stressful time. And, I have to believe, that our children would hope for us that we could find some tiny semblance of joy right now.

Grieving during the holidays requires us to find ways to manage our daily pain, now magnified ten-fold. We can't just turn off our grieving, because everyone wants to be jolly right now. Grief does not follow a calendar.

The best we can do is to incorporate our grief into our celebrations. I have done that for 4 years now, by including Michael in every holiday-related gift, activity, decoration, and so on. We give to charities in his name, in lieu of sending gifts to our loved ones. They also give to charities in his name in lieu of sending gifts to us. My husband and I have also crafted gifts in Michael's memory to give to our loved ones. His room (formerly our family room until he became ill in 1999, when the room then belonged to Michael) is the center of our Christmas. Friends still give us small gifts in Michael's memory and honor as well.

In this way, something good is coming from our grieving. We are helping others in need, and we are keeping Michael's spirit alive in our home and throughout our community.

I pray that each of you feels the presence of your precious child throughout the season, and every day thereafter. There is no greater gift than this one. May you find comfort in knowing that, where your children are, none of the anguish and stress we are feeling exists. They are in the Perfect Place.

My candle will be burning every day in honor of you and your children ~

Blessings to you all~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[ronsmom]

Hello everyone...have been staying away from BI because I've been trying desperately to not be so depressed and stay busy doing things that don't need done....

I've read all the posts for the last few days and your all saying the same thing I'm feeling. This is just miserable. The most happiest time of the year and here we sit all pathetic and disheartened. Life is cruel. I miss my Ronnie so much at times I think I will just drive off a cliff so I can see him once again. A couple weeks ago I really gave that a lot of thought. Then after 9 solid days of crying (just like week "1") I told myself No More. We WILL do Christmas this year. Last year was our first, and we ran away. We went to a condo on the beach with nothing that resembled Christmas and just sat together.

This year I let my two little grandaughters do my decorating. The tree the house, and they were ecstatic to be able to touch all those "untouchables" from prior years, I figured if they broke now so what. They've lost their magic to me. Then I decided to go ahead and put up Rons stocking. Its been there for 32 years,it HAS to go up. But how do I get through that? I did. I don't remember where I heard this suggestion, possibly one of you; but someone said they had memories put into the stocking for their child. So I took it a step further and wrote to a couple of Rons friends to send me a "Ronnie story" so I could have something to make me smile this year. They spread the word and I am getting so many stories coming through. I'm learning more about my son, and feeling more connected to him. Now family is jumping in and sending them as well. I pushed further and had my husband make a slide show of family photos to put on the dvd player, I will light Rons candle, have the photos going across the tv (set to music!!) and we will pass his stocking and read the memories people have of him. If you have time to do this Do It. I'm am actually looking forward to Monday now. I didn't think I would get through it, as my daughter lives far away and this is the first year she cannot get home, so it will just be my older son and his 2 little girls. A very small Christmas...but its looking brighter just by knowing we will be "talking" about Ronnie and not hiding how sad we are.

Have you all noticed that the ones closest to you don't even want to bring it up? You see it on their faces, but no conversation. I NEED to talk about my feelings and my Ron. They do to, so hopefully Monday night we will get through another bonding adventure and also get a little joy out of all our "memories" of Ronnie.

My wish to all of you: Push yourself. Don't give up. This is the hardest thing in the world to get through, and though we will never "get through it" we will still be here. The alternative would crush the remainder of your families. They are worth the pain for us to stick it out and wait our turn. I hear about signs and have seen nothing yet. Maybe a couple things that stick in my mind and I question, but I'm a pessimist so its hard to say "Hey that was Him"....but oh how I wish I could. Still haven't even had a dream of him yet, and that hurts the most, just want to see him.

This is 17 months..the shortest 17 months in my life, because I still feel like I'm stuck on the 4th of July 2005 on the chair listening to my husbands gut wrenching cries that our boy is dead. I will forever be in that moment..time and holidays mean nothing anymore...you just keep moving, keep pushing. Someday we'll all be together.

Thank you all so much for this year. You have literally saved my life by being here and commenting and letting me come and scream my pain. I've met a couple of you in person and some by phone, and your all so special to me, I wish I could meet you all. Thanks for being here, I certainly will be lighting candles all through the house for each and everyone of you on Christmas! Thats my gift to you, special little prayers for your babies. I sincerely wish you some peace and a few smiles that come naturally and not forced. Everytime you smile you get a teeny bit closer to feeling a teeny bit better....try it. I love you and have a Serene Christmas/Holiday.

Blueskies to all of you,

Bonnie

[Guest Guest]

For what it's worth, here's what's getting me through this month. And, it's minute to minute, as you all know.

1. Take the self-imposed expectations out of the holiday. ("We always did this and (name) will be disappointed if we don't." Disappointment is such a small emotion right now you don't have to worry about it.)

2. Take the extra work out. ("I have to get through that box of decorations that's been sitting in the family room for two weeks." No, you can shove it in a closet.)

3. Take the forced, superficial "traditions" out of the holiday. ("Oh, great. ANOTHER radio station playing nothing but holiday music." There is always a classical station somewhere on the dial, or let silence be your friend.)

4. Take presumptions out. ("Everyone else at the store looks so happy and I'm so sad." The malls are filled with empty hearts at Christmas, just going through the motions, looking at us and thinking we're the ones who are fine.)

And, once you take these things out, what's left is the holiday itself, which is the reminder of the gift of eternal life, and THAT should give us peace and hope.

This is not an easy fix, and it works sometimes and it doesn't sometimes, but the times it works, it's meant everything to me. Now, this assumes that if you celebrate Christmas you believe in eternal life. If that's not the case, or you are just really questioning things right now, this won't bring you much comfort.

Anyway, just something I've been trying to do. Bless you,

Eriksmom

[rhonda68]

Mommabets I am sorry about your mother and I hope she is doing okay. You are a very special lady mommabets.

Ronsmom I know how it feeels to want to just drive off a cliff I have thought of many ways to just end it all but I keep sticking in here for my other son. What a miserable life I have now. One day I needed to just talk to someone so I called my Aunt she told me to just go to sleep and wondered why I stll feel this way when its been almost 2 years. I was so mad I really do need to right some of my family off! And I am also sad about that.

Guest thank you for your helpful tips I appreciate that.

Richards Mom

[daveydow1]

Mom2Angels,

Thank you for your comforting words. This holiday

season is a real downer for me. Can't seem to get

into any of it. Small attempts at decorating end

with throwing my hands up and quitting. Anyhow,

your words are always a comfort. Bless you, and

may you find some measure of peace & tranquility.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[kathy714]

Desr Claudia,i just read your post,and about the idea of placing all the memory stories in yor son joey's stocking,that is such a good idea,showing a slide show along with it is also a good idea,i will have to do something like that next year,please let us know how everything goes for you,i will say a prayer that you have a peaceful christmas,..T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[mamabets]

For All~ May peace find you, as the spirits of our angels live on in us forever here on Earth. We are all together with them in their eternity, as well. A Merry Christmas wish to all of you and my heartfelt thanks for the love and support that you bring to me each and every day. God Bless!! I love you~ xoxoxmamabets