Loss of an Adult Child

[daveydow1]

Kathy714,

My heart is with you today, your dear Nate's

birthday and angel day. I'm so sorry that you

have so much heartache. Yes, losing a beloved

child is absolutely the worst thing that can

ever happen to a parent. May Nate's love come

through every minute today, and blend with

your love for him, now and in the days ahead.

Peace be with you and your family.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[julsmom]

kathy, I hope that you made it through this day. You have been such a comfort to many of us and we hope you have been comforted by us.

peace, Lynda

[janeensmom]

Dear Kathy...my thoughts have been of you today. You have been an inspiration to me. May you find peace and comfort today and always...Love and hugs, Vikki

[jackiewitter]

Claudia, Hi honey, I hope you made it through yesterday. I am approaching Jeff's 6 mo date on Saturday. This morning driving into work I thought of a funny situation he was in, and I laughed. It was so Jeffrey. But guess what....I laughed, I actually had a memory of him and laughed. This was a huge accomplishment. Jean Paul Richter said "Each departed friend is a magnet that attracts us to the next world". I long for that so, I received a book from Life Gift called Where I am, it talks of no past, no races, no anger, no fear. I says Where I am, I don't miss you, but I remember your love and I feel it with me. It is so lofty and dreamy, it makes me jealous. These are the times when I can think of him and not cry, when I know that he has gone to a better place and he is waiting for me. Right now I am thinking of you and hoping that you did not have more sorrow than you could bear yesterday. For me, this is a good day, maybe I am storing up for Saturday. Love and prayers, Jackie

[ericasmom]

HI JACKIE,

EVEN IF YOU ARE STORING U OF SATURDAY, TODAY YOU LAUGHED AND THAT IS SOMETHING YOU NOW CAN BELIEVE WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. WHEN SOME OF OUR MEMORIES CAN COME TO THE FRONT OF OUR BRAINS AND WE CAN THEN REMEMBER THE FUNNY AND THE GOOD STUFF ALONG OF COURSE WITH THE PAINFUL, WELL IT IS A HUGE STEP. PLEASE DO NOT WORRY ABOUT ANY BACKSTEPPING, IT IS ALSO JUST PART OF THE JOURNEY.

MOMGRAN, I DO NOT KNOW YOU, BUT MY HEART WAS FILLED BY YOUR WORDS, AND I AM SO SORRY FOR THE DOUBLE LOSS FOR YOU. HOW INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT. MY PRAYERS FOR YOUR ACHE TO LESSEN AS TIME PASSES.

TO ALL, WE ARE ONE DAY CLOSER TO SPRING! OUT OF THE DARK IS REBIRTH...OUR SPIRITS.

[ashleysmom]

I have to put my dog, Molly, down today. I panic thinking about it, but I know it is time. She will be reunited with Ashley. Ashley so loved this dog! I'm not thinking very rational right now. I feel like my other two dogs will think I'm terrrible, but Molly is in so much pain. She can barely get around, she can't really see so she bumps into things, we can't pick her up because she yelps, she's so skinny. My friend reminded me that animals know when another is sick, but I still feel so guilty. Yet another part of Ashley's life that I have to say goodbye to. Life sometimes feels so cruel. Thanks for listening, Dottie

[messenger]

DEAR ASHLEYS MOM...I AM SO SORRY TO HEAR YOU HAD TO PUT YOUR DOG DOWN....I DO BELIEVE SHE IS WITH ASHLEY..AND RUNNING AROUND...NO MORE PAIN..YOU DID IT BECAUSE YOU LOVED HER AND COULDNT STAND TO SEE HER SUFFER..DONT LET GUILT...GET TO YOU..YOU DID IT FOR HER............HAVE YOU READ HELLO FROM HEAVEN??? LOTS OF GOOD TRUE STORIES ABOUT LOVED ONES THAT HAVE PASSED ETC...BY JUDY AND BILL GUGGENHEIM..MAY YOU FIND SOME PEACE READING IT.AND KNOW ..YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.....WE HAVE HAD TO DO THE SAME..OUR CAT HAD MOUTH CANCER................I WONT GO INTO DETAIL..BUT NOTHING LEFT IN THERE AND I WAS TRYING TO FEED HIM AND COULDNT STAND TO SEE HIM IN PAIN..I KNOW HE IS WITH OUR SON....AND FINE NOW

LOVE MESSENGER

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Jackie, I am SO HAPPY that you laughed!!!! Wahooooo!!!!! I knew you would find that day, and that it will be an encouragement, even on the difficult days, to know that your beautiful memories that bring joy, smiles and laughter will surface above the sorrow. I believe LOVE outlives pain. The "no past, no races, no anger, no fear" is also joined by no sorrow, no pain, and no more tears. I long for that time too--a kind of homesickness that is much deeper embedded than the earthly homesick feelings I've had from time to time. Each day I am one day closer, but each day also I have one more day with those I love here. (Nothing like being in the middle, huh?) Tomorrow will bring painful moments for you, as did yesterday for me. But I pray you choose to reach deeper in other moments to find those funny Jeffrey-isms that make you laugh. I chatted on line with my son Patrick last night for an hour and twent minutes. It was great. We shared some thoughts and feelings of heartache, but we also brought up funny things about Joey, those Joey-isms, that made us laugh out loud. He said to me that it is really beginning to weigh heavier on him as time goes on, because it's so hard not seeing Joey when you just expect him to be around. I know that so well too. But then he said he does find real comfort knowing he will be with Joey again one day and that Joey is "in such a great place". Some people have such a hard time grasping onto that 'better place' thought, because we wish so much they never left us in the forst place. But I know without question that bettre, perfect place exists and Joey is there exhalting God and waiting for me to arrive to do the same. The cool thing is there is no time in that place. So when we get there, it will seem like only moments to them that we were apart. I WISH it was as easy for us. But somehow I find peace in knowing Joey is doing great, and he is not worried, or scared, or crying, or anything but perfectly joyful.

I am thinking of you, and I am praying for you. And if you need me anytime through these coming moments and days--anytime at all, e-mail me with your phone number and I will call you, or you can call me. (Or just e-mail me puring out your heart...) It's a little expensive to call from here, but I'll come running to you, my friend, if you need. I love you, Jackie. Hang in there, and reach for the laughter... YOU CAN DO IT, or in Spanish, "Tu Lo Puedes!" ((((HUGS)))) -Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Dottie, I so know the pain of saying goodbye to a furry best friend that's been part of your family and Ashley for so long. I am so, so sorry... I think of my Gretchen, our Boxer that Joey just loved to pieces, and the two Boxers (Tipper and Sadie) that were such a big part of Joey's life growing up. All three are now gone too. My dad said he had recurring dream that Joey was a shepherd and that soemtimes he had his dogs and other times not--but how cool!!! Joey has his precious dogs, his loyal companions!! It's so much better to have those loving thoughts than to see the suffering continue when we can help them transition into peace. I held my 70 lb Gretchen in my lap as she drifted off to her final sleep, and as sad and painful as it was, it was one of the most precious moments... for her there was "no sorrow, no pain, and no more tears." God bless you Dottie, and comfort you today and always. Love, Claudia

[mom2angels]

Debbie/Momgran ~ Welcome to our family. I’m so sorry that you have reason to join us, but I’m very glad that you found us. You have suffered too many losses with your daughter, Pippa, your grandson, Kieran, and your infant son, Andrew. Bless your heart. Know that we are all here to support you through this difficult journey.

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Many {{{HUGS}}} to you ~ My prayers are with you that God will grant you peace and comfort~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[mom2angels]

Claudia/Joey’s Mom and Jackie/Jeffrey’s Sister ~ I don’t think that I’ve greeted and welcomed you yet. I have so many interruptions throughout my day that I can’t concentrate long enough to respond here as often as I would like to do. It has taken me hours to compose this, and I apologize for the length!

Claudia, I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Joey, as I am for your loss, Jackie, of your brother, Jeffrey. Both of you are at the “6 month mark” I remember that time vividly in my journey, and the path was rugged and strewn with obstacles. After a one-day melt down, I decided that I was not going to follow that fork in the road. My son Jonathan needed me, and I had promised Michael, throughout his illness and as he was passing, that I would be all right and cope with his physical absence.

I thought pulling it together meant stuffing it down. I learned a very painful lesson from that misconception. Through constant prayer, Divine Guidance, the spiritual presence of my precious angel, Michael, the love of my husband, and the miracles bestowed upon Jonathan, I pulled it together after falling into a very deep hole and climbing up.

You are here, talking about your loss and sharing your experiences, which is the most healing thing you can do for yourselves and others. While we all hurt for each other and are saddened that our membership continues to grow, knowing that we have a place to unburden with others, who understand our pain too well, is comforting.

Recently, on an entirely different forum for children with disabling conditions, a young mother posted asking for advice about on-line grief discussion groups. Her ex-husband murdered her 7-year-old son, during a weekend visitation, and then committed suicide. I can’t begin to imagine her pain… I referred her to Beyond Indigo, because I know that, here, parents and others will embrace her and offer her support, prayers and comfort. This is what she needs, what you need, what I need, and what we all need – to talk about it with compassionate, understanding people.

Laughter is one of the best healing tools available to us, and we should learn to incorporate laughter into our daily living as much as possible. I’m pleased to read that you are both doing this, because it really will help you. I believe that our loved ones would want us to laugh often, and that they would want us to get the most out of the rest of our lives that we can. That is what I want for my loved ones now, and I can’t imagine not wanting that after my Earthly life concludes.

I’m absolutely positive that Michael, Joey, and Jeffrey, and all of our angels are in a “better place,” which I prefer to call the Perfect Place. We can’t even fathom their bliss, their freedom, the incredible love and light surrounding them.

Each day we are a little closer to being with them again, so we must endure what each day brings us here with strength and looking forward to that reunion. Typically, when we look forward to some exciting event, it makes us happy and keeps us going through the daily grind. The same is true for us as we grieve for our children. We have the most exciting event awaiting us all someday.

The time we are physically separated from our children is the blink of an eye in eternity.

At some point, I stopped counting in months the length of time since Michael’s transition. I still note Fridays, Sundays, the 11th, and 30th of each month, as significant dates, but it is no longer all consuming for me. I no longer relive all of the painful aspects of Michael’s illness and passing in great detail. The waves of grief still ebb and flow, and they always will until it is my time to join him. I try to focus on balancing the emotional dichotomy of being happy for Michael, but sad for myself. It is precarious at times, but when I trust in what I believe, I can manage.

Blessings to you and to all here ~ May God grant you peace and comfort today and every day~

{{{HUGS}}}

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[mom2angels]

{{{Dottie/Ashley's Mom}}} ~ I am so sorry that you had to make the decision to release your dear Molly today. We had to make that same decision for our 17 year old kitty about 5 months after Michael passed, so I can relate to how difficult this was for you. For us, it was a reminder that we had made a similar decision for Michael by removing him from the vent. It was very painful. Please don't feel guilty. I am sure that Molly, like our kitty, was grateful to be released from her suffering. And I am sure that Molly and Ashley are enjoying each other's company, just as Michael and our kitty. When she crossed the Rainbow Bridge, I dreamed that she was sitting on Michael's lap. Michael was very allergic to her, so they were never near each other, and we had to keep her out of the house. But there are no allergies or barriers where they are now. May you find comfort in knowing that Ashley and Molly are together again.

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[julsmom]

Dottie, I am sorry you had to put your dog down. We put our Duke down about 18 mos. after Julie died. I like to think he is romping with her somewhere stealing her milk.

To All, we all come so far and then we all have set backs. I had 2 this week. I am now working in the Customer Service Industry (no I don't call you at dinner time, but I wait for you to call me!). A call was being transferred to me from another rep, who told me this was her last day. When I asked what she was going to do she said return to school so she could teach 7-12th grade English (Julie's field), I started to cry, but I reassured her they were happy tears because I always like those good reminders of her. The second was her college sent a letter that another classmate (actual his parents) had made a donation in her name. That did send me over the edge because I didn't want to write a thank you note for a memorial. At least I know the dark days do not last and I will be "ok" again.

May we all find peace and comfort

Lynda

Roslyn good to see you on the board again

[ashleysmom]

Thank you all for your kind words and reassurance that I had done the right thing. I really appreciate the support you all send. I just don't know what I would do without all of you.

Lynda, I'm sorry you had a hard time this week. Everything is sooo bittersweet.

The donation in Julie's name to the college is wonderful. I always feel so blessed when Ashley is remembered like that. The thank you notes are rough though. I wish you strength and an end to the dark days, Peace to you, Dottie

[ashleysmom]

Rosalyn, Your dream of Michael with his kitty on his lap touched my heart. A gift from Heaven!

[daveydow1]

Ashleysmom, Dottie,

So sorry you had to put down your dear dog, Molly.

Yes, I agree with all the others that she is with

Ashley now and both are so happy & carefree. My son,

Davey, had a puppy, Dash once and had gotten him

from the animal shelter. The pup got sick right away,

and the vet said he had parvo virus, but gave us

medicine for him. He became worse & worse, and died

with Dave right beside him. I believe that Dave and

his pup Dash are together too. As Claudia said---

there is no time in heaven, so Molly met Ashley just

as if Ashley just turned around to greet her.

Peace be with you, Dottie.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Messenger,

I'm sorry that you had to put your dear cat to

sleep due to her cancer. I'm a cat person too,

(but like dogs, also) and our cat is nearly 11

years old. They (pets of any kind) are such a

comfort to us in our sorrow. Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[isabelle]

So very sorry to all who have had to put down an animal recently.

I too have suffered with this grief. My "little bitty" black cat, 7months old was suddenly very ill, doc thinks it might have been lymphoma - she was feluk+, that we had to euthanize her two weeks after Christmas. It was Christmas weekend that she suddenly became disoriented, had trouble walking and wouldn't eat.

My little bitty was a source of joy to me. I received her when she was 8 days old (her eyes had opened on the day before). She was originally found in a supermarket parking lot. I fed her by bottle, around the clock and even adjusted my work schedule to that she would not miss a feeding. I watched her grow, play, explore and learn. I am still so very sad that she had to leave us, but I made sure she knew to wait for me at the "Rainbow Bridge" and that I would be there as soon as God was ready for me. I am sure my little bitty has met my son, my angel, Ray. He loved cats too. I can't wait to reach the Rainbow Bridge.

Elizabeth,

Ray'sMom

[kathy714]

Hi Everyone,i fell like it has been forever since i have had a chance to post,sometimes i just don't know where the time goes...Well i made it through Nathans birthday/memorial,it was a very stressful couple of days,the night of the memorial turned out nice,we sent off 23 balloons,with about 20 friends and family,then had a big bonnfire with at lease 50 people,i really didn't think that we were going to have that many show,I am very thankful for everything and everyone who showed so much love and support,i just get so amazed.The next day,boy did i crash,i never slept Wed,i worked 12 hours tues night,7-7,so thurs,all i did is sleep,mentally and phyiscally exausted,But i just want to thank everyone here for all the reply's,they all mean so much to me...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[4everjoeysmom]

MMmmmmmWwwwHhhAaaaaaa!!! It's Super Bowl Sunday and I want my football buddy!! Joey, I miss you!!!!!

[daveydow1]

Isabelle,

I'm sorry to hear of your having to put down your

little black kitty. Her life was short, but she

had all the love and care she could have had with

you as her master. I'm sure your dear Ray was glad

to see her at the Rainbow Bridge. My son, Dave, also

liked cats and pets of any kind. Peace & comfort to you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[kathy714]

Dear Isabelle ,i am sorry about the loss of your cat,i didn't have time to reply the other night,i was at work,losing pets can be very sad,my friend had to put her cat to sleep a month ago,she had her for years,she has been so upset,pets are part of the family,our puppy fell through the ice,the same day Nate passed,and we were so upset about that,then to wake the next morning with the news of Nate.Even my other dog [the puppy's mom ]was so depressed about losing her puppy and Nathan,all she did was lay around looking so sad,i was afraid we were going to lose her too...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[kathy714]

Dear 4everjoeysmom,I know how you feel,Nate's birthday is Jan31,so we would combine his birthday with superbowl,and throw him a superbowl birthday party when he was growing up...It really stinks !!!

[kathy714]

I went to a Medium the other night,with my friend who also loss her 12 yo son in June,8 of us went it was called Post Cards from Heaven,she called on me right away,i was the 2nd person she read,she was good,but what really did it,was after she was done and i began to sit down,all the sudden she turns to me and said "Are you planning to go to Fla.I was shocked,i answered,well yea i am always wanting to go to florida,my dad ,sister and brother live there,then I remember,Nate and i had gone,the April before he passed,and we had such a nice time we promised we were going to go every year after.I looked at her and my friend and started crying,i was like OMG that was our last vacation together,that is what he would of said to valadate that he was there....

[rhonda68]

I am so sorry to everyone that have lost their pets. My dog George is pretty much my only source of comfort these days, I would be lost without him. My heart is aching so bad as this is the month I picked out a coffin and lay my son Richard in the ground. The flashbacks are horrid and I feel completely useless and consumed. I am not capable of doing much these days I feel like such a failure and I am always asking WHY? And also why am I still here?

Richard James Bennett FOREVER IN MY HEART Oct 9,1985 - Feb 23,2005.

If anyone would like to visit his memorial page please do and please feel free to sign the guest book.

http://www3.telus.net/public/rh0nda/

Love to all,

Richardsmom

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Rhonda, I visited Richard's web page, and I read everything. I love the pictures. I had Joey when I was 18 and we kinda grew up togther, me and my two boys. Joey grew up in the country too, and he was pretty proud of it. He loved playing his rock and country music, hanging out with his friends and bringing them out to the farm. It sounds like our biys had a lot in common. I bet they are good friends in heaven.

I struggle a lot with the "why's" too. I can tell you we are NOT failures. When God calls us home one by one there isn't a thing we can do, but hold onto the grace He gives and the promise that we will one day again be linked to the chain of our loved ones gone before us. I hate too that my life here isn't filled anymore with Joey's zany ways and hig big hugs. I miss his voice and everything about him. Joey loved strawberry cheesecake! Reading your Richard loved cherry cheesecake reminded me of that. Thanks for that memory. I've tried so hard to remember because I am afraid to forget anything about Joey. I know in time memories will flood... it just hurts so bad now. So thank you for helping me with a memory that makes me smile.

last night was SuperBowl and I missed Joey so much. I had forgotten that six months before we held his memorial service, because all I could think about was how much I miss my football buddy. Six month ago today I carried my Joey's ashes to the horse pasture and watched his daddy pour out his heart along with Joey. I'll never forget it, and I have tears streaming as I write this. Rhinda, I'm so sorry for your pain. But I can assure you, you are not traveling this journey alone--far from it. We are here too who have lost our children and are living the worst nightmare imaginable. And God is among us, weeping with us and for us, because he knows our pain and He wants us to be certain of His love and that we will see our children again. May the love and grace of God lift you up to find comfort and peace in knowing this... Lots of love, Claudia

[janeensmom]

Dear friends, I have not posted in a while but I do read your posts daily. I am so sorry for everyone's pain. I now we all wish we didn't have to be here sharing our sorrows but I am so thankful to have found this website. I know that I am not alone and I am not going crazy. Well, Janeen's angel date was on 1-17-06, I had a hard time as expected and now her birthday is coming on 2-19. Who ever said it gets easier...the pain feels much,much deeper and the sorrow even more profound!! Oh how I wish I could get some refief...seems impossible. Just as I start to feel somewhat better wham.......something happens and the the wailing starts all over again. Has anyone else experienced this? Please help me...Hugs, Vikki Janeens mom forever!!!

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Vikki, The answer is YES! I'm sure most if not all of us experience this. I have good days and really good days, and I have bad days and really bad days. The more time that passes, the more I ache to pick up the phone and call Joey, but he's just not here to call. It is a profound pain, deeper than anything I ever imagined I could know...

Hold on tight when it gets bumpy, and reach out to us and those you can trust will give an understanding hug and prayer... We're here, together on this journey, with you. Love, Claudia

[messenger]

WOW I MISS OUR SON.....BUT I KNOW HE KNOWS WHO WON THE SUPER BOWL AND IT WAS US...INDIANAPOLIS COLTS!!!!WAY TO GO...I WONDER IF HE WAS CHEERING IN HEAVEN???I FEEL HE WAS..AND SO WAS MY MOM..WHO HAS BEEN GONE FOR 11 YEARS TODAY..THE 5TH...MESSENGER

PLEASE HANG IN THERE..IT IS SO VERY HARD LOSING YOUR CHILD....BUT WITH THE HELP OF PEOPLE ON HERE TO SUPPORT US ........IT TRUELY HELPS..................GOD BLESS YOU ALL

[mikesmomrs]

Messenger: Hi: I have not been posting lately, mostly reading, as these winter days are just overwhelming my mood and the sadness just seems to permeate every hour. I saw your post, though, and it just brought a smile to my face...and some pleasant, though bittersweet memories. I remember so well when the Red Sox won the pennant in 2004; my sister and I laughed about how our dad and her husband were likely whooping it up in Heaven, along with tons of other Red Sox fans who had passed away without seeing the Sox "win it." It also reminded me of how, just the year before they won the pennant, my son had dragged his dad and I, kicking and screaming, into being Red Sox fans-- and once you became a Red Sox fan, you are a RABID fan, there is no half-way with being a Red Sox fan, as our son and the millions of other fans soon showed us, so we all had a really good end to our summer the year they won the championship--the summer before Mike was diagnosed with brain cancer and our world turned upside down... My brother died the next January, and again, the Sox came into play...as my older brother brought a smile to all of us when he said "Well, he got to see the Sox win the pennant, his life was complete!" But, all through our son's illness, up until just two weeks before he passed away last October, when we attended what would be our last Red Sox game together, it gave us all something to really share, and be excited about together, and to just sometimes—even if only for an hour or two-- take our minds off of the terrible journey we were on--the journey that we knew would end with his passing from us. After one of the games we attended this past summer, we had gone into the souvenir shop because he wanted a "tie-dye" Red Sox shirt--he was a hippy at heart--and as we had our heads tilted back, scanning what seemed like hundreds of shirts displayed up on the wall, looking for it, both of us at the same moment, saw a shirt that said "RED SOX---2004 World Champions; N0W I CAN DIE IN PEACE!" and my son, lover of black humor person that he was, looked at me, and we both burst out laughing right there in the store, and then we hugged each other and wept, right there in the store! I can still feel the wetness of his cheek on mine, and taste the salt of my own tears as we shared that "black humor" bittersweet moment. I know that he is smiling up in Heaven right now, watching me remember that.. and remembering himself how he finally got his mom to appreciate black humor, even if for only a moment.

You all are probably thinking this is the weirdest post you've ever read, but Messenger's post triggered all of that in my heart and my memory, and I just wanted to share it. I am smiling through my tears right now, thinking about it all...

love to you all, and I wish for all of us a peaceful moment of memory today, sent straight from Heaven to us, from our loved ones. Love, Carol, MIKESMOMRS

[ashleysmom]

Vikki, I am so sorry for all you are experiencing. I definately understand where you are at. It has been two years, seven months and two days since Ashley's accident. The first year was a crushing haze. I remember so well the panic as the "firsts" approached. The second year the fog started to lift and the reality set in. The lows were so low, they scared me. I can tell you, I made it through. This board has been my lifeline, an encouragement when I didn't think I would make it. Please hold on to the fact that we are all here to reach out to. I wish you peace.

[namarella]

Janeen’s mom, Vikki,

My son’s angel date was 1-14-06, and his birthday is 2-22-82, our kids’ dates are pretty close. I’ve also found the sorrow to be deeper now and more consuming as we’ve passed the year of “firsts.” I can’t pretend Eric’s just on a trip somewhere, that he’s coming back any time now; yet I keep looking at his apartment (adjacent to our house) expecting to see his light on. I guess the finality of his loss is settling in for me, and it’s hard, beyond hard to accept.

My birthday is today and it’s so difficult to know I’m getting older and he isn’t. I feel like losing our son now defines my life and everything else has to adjust to that, a process that’s going to take time. Sometimes I haven’t wanted to be in this world where he isn’t, where I have to live with this pain every day. But recently I realized that I’ve chosen to live again - it is almost a conscious choice. I’m so looking forward to March, when this season of angel dates and birthdays is past. I got the greenhouse cleaned out this past weekend and will soon be spending a lot of time in the garden my son so loved. That’s one of the places where I can feel his presence and talk to him. I hope I can move towards a place where my son’s life, and not his death, defines my life, but I’m not there yet. I appreciate everyone’s sharing here...helps us all feel not so all alone. Colleen, Eric’s mom

[janeensmom]

Thank you Claudia, ashleysmom and namarella for your true understanding of what I am going through. It is incrediabley hard since the reality really is sinking that she is not comming back...ever. Namarella-our children's dates are just 3/4 days apart from each other and Janeen lived across the yard from me in her own house. I left there on 2-28-06 and have not been back since. I cannot bare to look over from my kitchen window and not see her light on also. I was involved everyday of her life concerened about her wefare and making sure she could reach me anytime she needed to. She had learning disabilities and need some help. Believe me it was my pleasure and lifes work to help her...she had married a special needs man on 10-03-98 so he lived there also. They had a wonderful life together and he is still with me. It is so hard to grieve myself and console him too! He has told me many times that if he could take her place he would....such sorrow! I need to move forward but everytime I do I get overwhelmed with anger, guilt, sorrow total breakdowns that seem as bad as they could ever get. I don't know what is happening...but I also know that you have and are going through the same things. My heart goes out to all of the dear precious parents who read this board. I know your pain...Hugs, Vikki

[ashleysmom]

Please say a prayer for my granddaughter. She has been admitted to the hospital with RSV. She is only 7mos old and she is having a tough time. Her name is Emma Rose. Thank you all, Love, Dottie

[kathy714]

Dear Ashleysmom,i am so sorry to hear your grandaughter is ill,i will say prayer that she will be ok,what a beautiful name she has,Emma Rose,poor little baby,hope she gets well quick !..T.C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[kathy714]

Dear Janeensmom and Namarella,both of you will be in my thoughts and prayers as you both approuch your childrens birthday,just going through Nate's angel date and birthday,both the same day,i can understand the pain you are feeling,also i found the second year to be just as bad as the first,because now reality sets in ,and i just really missed Nathan, he was still living at home when he passed,so i know what you mean about being part of your everyday..Just try to hang on and come here to vent as much as you need,you will find it really helps talking with others here who understand what your feeling..T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Colleen, I think of you often and with those thoughts I say a little prayer for you...

[rhonda68]

Claudia thank you so much for your reply to my post. I am so sorry about the loss of your son Joey. Thanks for putting it that way God takes us home one by one. I have been feeling like a big failure because of the loss of my son but your right there is nothing I could do. I have all these terrible feelings about myself but never once do I ever feel that way towards any of you. So I guess I will have to pretend I am someonelse and ask would I feel that way about someone? I have been hating myself so bad and my self esteem left too.

Richardsmom

[4everjoeysmom]

Rhonda, Thank you also for your kindness. I am really glad to hear you say that you recognizeable don't feel anything about failure toward anyone esle here, and we all lost our kids too. You see! The failure and guilt cards are a trap. Those of us who truly believe God is who he says He is, and that what is written in His Holy ord is absolute truth, we have something great to hold onto--His promises to us that in Him we will be reunited with all of his children, our children included. More than we are mothers to our children, we are children of God. He did not create you as a failure!! He did not create you to live with low self esteem. He created you to know and love Him, and he gives us miracles (our babies) as His gifts to our lives, so that we may grow and learn, and also learn to love unconsitionally in the way that God loves us, but even more perfectly than we can understand. What is hard to realize and remember is that we belong to God--all of us, (whether we choose to know Him or not), and because we all belong to God before we belong to each othera nd ourselves, it's hard to swallow that when God calls us one by one, He is only calling us back "home" to be with the One who made us. It's hardest for us here, left behind, but by His grace and through lots and lots of prayer He guides us through. I pray you are able to shed the skin of self doubt, failure and low self esteem. When I visited richard's web site, I saw without a doubt the UNFAILING love of a mother for her son. God taking Richard home had nothing to so with failure. It had everything to do with God's love for his children and I guess sometimes he just wants them in His presence more than he wants them in this crazy world. I have asked the silly question "why did God love Joey more than me that I am still here and he got to go to a place where there are no more tears or trials?" In His presence must be the most awesome perfectness we could ever begin to imagine. Joey isn't here to finish college, but I can just imagine the polished perfect education he has received there. Richard, in God's presence, does not feel cheated in any way. I have to remind myself of that when I dwell on all of the things Joey didn't get to do in his life here. They aren't sad there with God. they are perfect in heaven. It's us who are sad and lonely without them. So, dear sister, don't beat yourself up for all that you "coulda, woulda, shoulda" done. Instead, know that everything regarding the circle of life and death is an orchastration of events that we have no control over. One day we will also know that perfectness in heaven beyond this life, and we will understand everything. Until then we must cling to every promise and every confidence that God was, is, and is yet to be... and the only thing that separates us from our children is this finite thing called "time". So, on that note, pick yourself up, brish yourself off, say a little prayer every time you feel that self doubt creeping in, and tell yourself God made you too, and He did not make you a failure. There is no need to pretend to be someone else. You are His daughter, and He is a King, which makes you a princess! Remember Cindarella? I'm sure the slipper fits!

God bless you, and keep your chin up. You are Richard'sAWESOMEmom!!

[Kelly]

We just got back in our popular Remember Pins. Show that you are remembering a loved one by wearing these pins. The proceeds cover the cost of the pins and help support Beyond Indigo. Too see the pins and wristbands as well as place an order copy and paste this link into a new broswer window.

http://www.beyondindigo.com/sunshop/index.php?action=category&id=2

Kelly

[mikesmomrs]

Dottie, Ashleysmom, I am also so sorry to hear that your little granddaughter, Emma Rose, is ill. We pray that Emma Rose will be well, soon, perhaps home again before the weekend! A playmate of our son's youngest child was also recently hospitalized for that, but he is better now, and back to his two-year old self.

Kathy, Nate's mom, I can't imagine how you made it through your son's birthday and angel date on the same day—of course, I am so truly sorry for the loss of your son, but that it happened on his birthday is so terribly heartbreaking.

Vikki, Janeensmom and Colleen, Eric's mom, (Namarella): As you both approach your children's birthdays, please know that we are all thinking of you and praying for strength for you to go through this day with at least one moment of love and peaceful remembering of the joys that your children brought to you, and may God grant you assurance that the life they are living now, with the Heavenly Father, is filled with happiness and health for eternity.

I have not yet come to our son Mike's birthday, or angel date, and I try not to think about it, but of course, the harder we try to do that, the less successful we are, because in the trying, we are remembering!

Like you yesterday, Colleen, today is my birthday, and truly the saddest one of my life. I agree, it is SO difficult to know that I am getting older, yet my son cannot—he cannot live his life in the natural state of aging, like he wanted to, along with his children, his wife, his parents, his friends, loving all those who love him, sharing their lives here on earth. And I know that as much as we might wish our children were here with us, we must try to find comfort in knowing that they are now with Someone who will shower them with love and blessings for all eternity and we must also remind ourselves that one day we will all be together again, sharing that eternity.

Moving towards that "one day" is what is difficult now, for all of us. As you also said, there have been times when I have not wanted to be in this world where he isn't, having to feel this pain every day. I am so glad, Colleen, that you have been able to make that decision—conscious or not—to choose to live again. I pray that I will one day be close behind you, feeling the same anticipation of a new spring, a new outlook.

I haven't reached that state yet though, where I can look forward to anything—anticipation and celebration are not words I can deal with right now. Spring has always been such a wonderful time for me, but for now, spring is a threat, because I won't be able to hide any longer in the darkness of winter, where sorrow seems to be allowed. The sun and the warm air will beckon to me, but I just don't feel right now that I can answer its call. The sadness is still too overpowering. But we are told that with time, this pain will become less raw, the happy memories will increase, we will be able to do things to honor our children's lives, and we pray this is true, even as we now struggle to get through sometimes even one day.

You said it all so eloquently, not wanting your son's death to define your life—and I pray that we can all make the decision to follow your lead—to choose to live again. Perhaps then we can come to the day when the sweet memories of our child's LIFE will NOT remind us immediately of their death, and we will not so often be overcome by the tears and profound sorrow that now bring us back, again and again, to the pain of our tremendous loss. On that day, we will instead, "rejoice, and be glad," for the day the Lord has made when our memories will bring us more comfort and joy than sad reminders.

Take care, all of you, and keep coming back to BI, being comforted and comforting, receiving hope and giving it, all of us, from one to another, as we try to move forward through this journey of sadness to one of love and sweet remembrances, led by our children.

Carol - MIKESMOMRS

[mom2angels]

Lynda ~ It’s always good to see you here too. It seems we have many of those unexpected moments reminding us of our children and turning on the tear faucet, at least more of those moments than the average person. And the average person could never fathom how difficult those thank you notes are to write. You will be okay.

Sherry ~ Like you, I believe that Dave and Dash are together, and I know it helps me to feel and believe that way. Isn’t it something how so many of us here have lost pets, made even more painful by the association of our pets with our children? There must be some connection…

Elizabeth ~ I’m so sorry that you lost your “little bitty” kitty. Bless you for rescuing her and nurturing her as you did. In her brief time on Earth, she found unconditional love, and so did you. Now she and Ray are sharing that love, waiting for you.

Kathy ~ Your celebration honoring Nathan sounds wonderful. I’m so glad that so many people attended. No doubt the entirety of it all, plus working, exhausted you. Try to rest up now. Your experience with the medium is intriguing. Do you think that Nate is suggesting that you go to Florida? Perhaps you really should make those plans?

Rhonda ~ The question, “Why?” is a form of torture, because you aren’t likely going to get an answer until it is your time to be reunited with Richard. The very simple answer to why you are still here is that it is not your time to leave yet. Our children’s deaths are untimely to us, because we do not possess complete understanding as human beings of life after death. Our concept of time is tied to Earth, so we can’t envision eternity. Our only option is to do our best, while we are here, for others and ourselves. Despite all of our sorrow, despite all of our tragedies, and the tragedies of the world, life goes on. Life goes on here – and there. And, until we get there, we have to make the best of what we have here.

When my sons’ condition was diagnosed as infants, I asked “Why?” Why them? Why me? Why anyone? Throughout their lives, and even in Michael’s death, I learned the blessings my children are to me and to the world. Even in the most dire circumstances, there are blessings to be found.

Try to look for the blessings now, and let go of the questions. I know that sentence makes it sound easy. Please believe me, I know it isn’t. But for your own peace and comfort, it’s what you need to do.

You are certainly not a failure, and I can only imagine that Richard would not want you to carry such negative feelings about yourself. For as much as we all wish that we could have saved our children, we could not. We can only do our best. The rest is out of our hands.

Claudia ~ The 6 month mark is so challenging, and when special occasions arise, and the bittersweet memories flood your being, it is difficult to maintain your balance. Lean on The Rock. Your faith will keep you strong. I know you know that. My faith has definitely seen me through this journey. I can’t even imagine where I would be without my faith and my relationship with God.

I also know the feelings you describe about rejoicing for Joey, while being sad for yourself. I even asked our chaplain, as we held vigil next to Michael after he passed, whether it was acceptable to God that I cry for myself. I knew that Michael’s pure spirit ascended straight into God’s arms, and I was happy for Michael that his Earthly suffering was over and that he was right where he belonged. She assured me that my tears were “diamonds of love” and that God understood the profound depth of my pain. That emotional dichotomy of my grief remains to this day, although not as intense. I will always be glad for Michael and sad for me. And that’s okay. In fact, it’s probably normal. Keep the faith.

Vikki ~ Please be reassured that what you are experiencing is typical, or not unusual, among us. From my own experience, and from reading the experiences of other grieving parents, the second year is extraordinarily challenging. The first year is a filled with disbelief, numbness, disorientation, and shock. The second year, it all sinks in, and with the hard reality of your loss, you have another shock. I think of the second year as the Triple AAA Year: Acceptance, Adjustment, and Adaptation.

During my Triple AAA Year, my son, Jonathan, was hospitalized twice for 3 weeks both times, and both times we almost lost him as well. In ICU, the view from Jon’s room was Michael’s ICU room. On the medical floor, Jon’s room was two rooms away from where Michael died. The emotional, mental, and psychological pain of all of this was excruciating, but I survived it. You just do what you have to do, and you keep going.

About a month prior to Michael’s Third Angel Date, I began to feel closer to achieving those three AAA’s, and now, I feel that I have come to grips with all of them. I’m not “over” Michael’s death, and I never will be. But I do have coping skills now that I’ve developed through the journey, which allow me to function and live my life with some joy. The pain is not as searing, not as overpowering, and not as all consuming as it once was for me.

Hold on to the hope that it will not always be the way it is now for you. The agony you feel now will lessen in time, because through enduring it, you will learn ways to manage it.

Please remind us before Janeen’s birthday arrives, so that we can all pray for your strength and comfort.

Messenger ~ My son may have been at the same Super Bowl party with your son and Mom, as I imagine that he was rooting along with us for the Colts. It’s nice to imagine that, isn’t it? ☺

Carol ~ Birthday blessings to you. Thank you for sharing your memory with Mike at the Red Sox game. Not the least bit weird, and very touching and dear. What a brave guy, your Mike, to use his sense of humor then and now to help his mom. I’ll bet that Mike never misses a Red Sox game now, and I’m so glad the Sox gave him the gift of the championship that year. May they do it again and again.

Colleen ~ Birthday blessings to you also. Your plans for the “Triple AAA Year” sound perfect for achieving closeness with Eric and your goal of his life, not his death, defining your life. Gardening is good for the soul, and I know that you will work a lot of love into that soil as you commune with Eric. It will surely be beautiful and bring you peace. Please remind us before Eric’s birthday, so that we can pray for your strength and comfort.

Dottie ~ I am lifting up your precious granddaughter, Emma Rose, in prayer, asking that healing angels gather around her and bring her to complete health quickly. I am praying also for strength for Emma’s parents and for you and for God to guide the minds, hearts and hands of the medical staff attending to your sweet baby girl. Please update us when you can.

{{{HUGS}}} to everyone ~ My prayers are with you that God will grant you peace and comfort today and every day ~ May you feel your children’s presence very near you and hold them in your dreams ~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[messenger]

CAROL,,HI THINKING OF YOU ON YOUR BIRTHDAY........I KNOW ..THAT FIRST ONE WITHOUT THEM IS VERY HARD..MY FIRST WAS OCT..AND I WAS 50.............USUALLY A BIG DEAL....BUT NOT FOR ME...AND NO BLACK BALLOONS..LIKE SOME WANTED TO GIVE ME..THANK YOU VERY MUCH..I FEEL FOR YOU...I KNOW HOW YOUR HEART ACHES......WITHOUT YOUR SON..I AM SORRY

BUT.................I AM GLAD..I WAS ABLE TO AT LEAST BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE IF ONLY FOR A MOMENT..WITH THE SUPER BOWL...~~ IT IS THOSE MEMORIES THAT MAKE US SMILE THAT KEEP US GOING...ALONG WITH THE DREAMS,,AND SIGNS......................

THERE WERE PROBABLY SEVERAL OF OUR KIDS WATCHING THE GAME SUNDAY EVE

WHEN YOU FEEL YOU ARE AT THE END OF YOUR ROPE...............TIE A KNOT IN IT AND HANG ON~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`LOVE MESSENGER

[ashleysmom]

Thank you all once again for your loving support and prayers. Emma is home with me today. She is still very sick. I question why they sent her home so soon as she is still wheezing and not eating much. At the moment she is sleeping, but of course I have to check on her every 5min. There is a fear in me since Ashley's accident that I am sure I do not have to explain.

To all who have faced their own birthdays recently, I'm sorry I was not here to encourage and wish you the peace that I assure you I pray for all of us. It has been a tough week with Molly, then Emma's sickness.

I try to lift all of this up to God, but I get so wrapped up and scared.

Rosalyn, thank you for all of your encouraging words, they always seem to lift me and put things back in perspective. Love and peace to all, Dottie

[janeensmom]

Dear Roslyn, you have such a wonderful way with words of comfort. To put them down on paper takes a lot of courage and strength. I am going to try to work on the AAA's. How many times if ever did you just want to give up and join him? It seems that I think about it as much as ever but I know it is not going to help it will only cause my family even more pain. I hope this point I am at is the lowest ever, any deeper and I won't survive. I am so thankful for this website and for the ability to say what I need to without reprocussions. I wll remind you when Janeen's birthday is as I will and do need your prayers. I have lost my contact with God since this all happened. I have always had great belief but since this I have questioned everything I have always believed. I have lost many family members and friends in my life but this is just unacceptable to me. We prayed for healing so many times for her...I just want to know why....why children die from such things as SIDS, cancer, hunger, just to mention a few. Oh I hope I can find the reason some day. Until then I am trying to find my way back to God. Hugs...Vikki

[philipsmom]

I am feeling so sad and lost today. I can't believe next month my son will have been gone a whole year. How can that possibly be? Hearing that the 2nd year is even harder has me scared. Sometimes I feel like I barely made it through this far. I want to thank everyone on here who continues to encourage and help those of us who are still new to this nightmare we are all on. I have had better days but today it feels like they won't ever be back. Vikki, I too am having a hard time with my faith. It is impossible to understand why we have to lose the most precious thing to us.

Nancy

[peacefulnow]

Hi Everyone. I read something that reminded me of all of us. A therapist was talking to a mother whose grown child passed away, trying to help her through this rough journey that we all know only too well. She told the mother that it’s like standing with your back to the ocean and never knowing when a wave would hit.

Boy that’s us, isn’t it? Not only do we not know when a wave will hit, but also we have no idea how big the wave will be. I think we’ve all been hit by a few tsunamis! But we’re still standing. We’re probably all a lot stronger than we give ourselves credit for.

Peace to all. Cindy

[Guest Guest]

Cindy, thank you for sharing the therapist's comment about how it's like 'standing with your back to the ocean'. My 24 year old daughter Jenny passed away just a couple of months ago, and I'm still not able to predict those 'tsumanis'. I gave up a promising career to sit on the couch, watch mindless TV (anything not hospital-related), and have become a hermit, because I don't trust myself out in public yet. I look (and feel) as if I've aged 30 years in the past 2 months. I'm grateful I've found this site, because although I have wonderful family support...no one understands how this changes and paralyzes you, except another parent who has gone through it. To all of you on this site, my heart goes out to you, and I wish you all the future happiness you deserve. Laurie

[ericasmom]

Dear Guest,

I know what you are feeling like, remember to not judge yourself too harshly, a couple of months ago is a very short eternity when it comes to grieving our babies. That is what it is, a short piece of the rest of your life, and adjusting will take time, energy, and kindness to your spirit. I think the one phrase that played over and over in my head, simplistic as it is, is that I will always be ERica's Momma, I will always have a daughter,she is Erica. Her leaving has changed me deeply, but the woman I was before she died is still here, I am the Momma she and my son love. I had just begun that wonderful friendship with my daughter a few months before she was killed. She was 19 when she left in July of 2003. There is nothing easy about any of it, but we are here for a reason, and so I guess for me knowing that I had to live my best life in order to honor Erica helped me to live, to laugh again.

I get hit by the waves and I am quite sure that the waves are just going to be something we will all need to contend with as we travel our lives without our children. I know you may feel you have aged 30 years in a short time, I really get that, and right now you feel you look it too, so once again, do something good for yourself. Eat nutritious foods and plenty of water...get some fresh air if there is any where you live, (too cold here in Chicago right now to do this), take vitamins and go talk to a therapist if you are able. When my daughter died I called the therapist I had gone to when I had Eri. A circle of sorts, I am grateful for the time I spent with her finding ways to dispel some of the guilt and fear, and lack that a parent that loses a child faces.

Peace to you and may you know laughter again one day.

Dee

[4everjoeysmom]

I don't know how I still trust God, but I do. It must simply be by his grace. I hurt so badly missing my son. It's been 6 months now. This morning I woke up and the sun began to shine over the mountain behind us through the rain, and a most beautiful rainbow appeared just on the other side of our place, across the whole valley. I snapped photos for 10 minutes as it got brighter and brighter. And I thought to myself, thank you God for this beautiful blessing. Then this afternoon one of the young men working here on our property (he's 19) feel through the tiles of the roof on one of our guesthouses. He was hurt very badly and sufferes a sever head trauma. As I wrote this he is still in surgery and we don;t know if he's going to make it. While I sat on the floor with him until help arrived, seeing him in pain, all the blood, I had nightmarish flashbacks to my own son's horrible and tragic death. I pray God will have mercy adn heal this young man (his name is Wilson), and I pray his mom and dad will never know my pain. Please help me pray for him. I know a lot of you are struggling with your faith. But I am here to say that no matter what hell I've been through, God has not abandoned me. I've only pushed him away in my anger and pain. I am learning to respond not through my pain, but from the love in my heart that Joey would want me to continue giving despite his not being here. I am learning to respond not as the world typically responds (without hope), but how someone responds knowing that this world could never sufficiently provide for me what I need--but God can and does. It isn;t in the time I would prefer, but His time is perfect and I have to trust that. I do find peace beyond my own understanding by trusting him. But I also have to say it is not easy doing things that I don;t want to do, which is give in to my control freak nature and let him be my guide. I refuse to say goodbye to Joey. He's still alive in another place for all eternity. I just say see you later when my job is done here. It isn't easy. It hurts like hell. But God promised me I would see him again, and I hold onto that. Without God, I couldn't hope for anything. So, is any of faith here (weak or strong) could please join me in praying for a 19 year old biy whose name is Wilson, and his parents that they not feel our pain ever, we can;t bring back our own kids, but maybe we can make a difference in prayer for another that still has a fighting chance to stay with his folks for a while longer. One prayer could change a life for all eternity... Wilson is not a confessed, saved believer.... he needs more time... Help... please. Love, Claudia