Loss of an Adult Child

[shanesmom]

mikesmomrs, that was a real gift, that your son let you know there was a messsage on the phone from him, yes i know it was shane last night, just needed some one to let me know that i did know, --some times others who have not lost a child, think we are crazy, just looking for comfort, but we know, don't we!! thanks, every-one!!!!

[shanesmom]

forgot to say, my mom lives in princeton, in.

[mommabert]

I LOST MY SON ON MAY 8 2006. I MISS HIM SO VERY MUCH. I DID NOT WANT TO PUT XMAS TREE UP. HE WAS ALL ABOUT THE DECORATIONS. BUT MY HUSBAND SAID I SHOULD FOR THE GRAND KIDS. I STILL CRY ALOT. BUT I AM BY MAYSELF WHEN I DO IT . WILL I KNOW DEEP DOWN I AM NOT ALONE MY SON JOSH IS WITH ME. THANKS FOR THE PLACE TO LET THIS OUT.. MOMMA

[rhonda68]

Donosmom Thank you so much for the poem about the Sand Fleas it explains so much how I have been feeling but so hard to put into words.

Richardsmom

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Mommabert, I pray your memories of Josh will be a comfort to you this Christmas season.

To All: I made a memorial page for my Joey at

http://Joey-McConkey.virtual-memorials.com

I hope you like it. I think he would.

God bless you all, -Claudia

[lorismom]

For Mammabert ~ I am deeply sorry for the loss of your son, Josh. My heart goes out to you. I hope that memories of your dear son will bring you some comfort in the days ahead.

For 4everjoeysmom ~ Claudia ~ I visited the memorial page that you made for your son, Joey. It is a beautiful tribute to such a handsome young man.

Love and peace to you all......

Patty

[messenger]

MIKESMOMRS..HI!! I TOO HAD SOMETHING HAPPEN 2 DAYS AGO WITH THE PHONE........I WAS TALKING TO HUSBAND AND LINE GOT REAL STATICY...COULDNT HEAR HIM AND THEN THE PHONE RANG..........ONE RING...........IT WAS OFF THE HOOK.........I WAS TALKING SO HOW DID IT RING??? AFTER READING YOUR POST....GOT TO THINKING ABOUT IT...STRANGE........I KNOW THE DAY AFTER MY SON DIED...I GOT A CALL FROM HIS CELL PHONE...HIS NUMBER SHOWED UP ON MY PHONE...BUT NO WAY COULD ANYONE HAVE CALLED...PHONE WAS LAYING IN HIS ROOM...NO ONE AROUND.

.....MAKES US THINK....................DOESNT IT...HOPE YOU ARE DOING OK..SORRY I HAVE BEEN SO BUSY AND NOT ON HERE HELPING OTHERS LIKE I NEED TO BE DOING...HOPEFULLY AFTER THIS WEEKEND.......I CAN GET BACK ON..GOD BLESS EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU AND KNOW I SAY A PRAYER FOR YOU ALL EACH MORNING..........WE ARE ALL SUFFERING THE LOSS OF OUR LOVED ONE...BUT WE NEED TO REMEMBER..THEY ARE STILL WITH US AND WE WILL AL BE TOGETHER SOME DAY SOON.............MESSENGER THEY WOULD WANT US ALL TO DECORATE AND KEEP ON DOING AS WE WERE BEFORE......................

[maureensmom]

Hi, everybody. I've had a period where I just stopped reading and posting to BI - just sad/hopeless/numb. It's just amazing how similar our stories are, because I read here all the time about parents who feel the same way, almost out of the strength to read, let alone write. Maureen's angel date - the first anniversary of her death - is tomorrow. Actually, it can't be any worse than my Thanksgiving, where we tried and tried to be OK for the sake of my 16 yo son, but I kept cycling back to what I had lost, rather than what I had to be grateful for. I'm taking tomorrow off work, so if I just want to cry, I can do that.

I also have sort of a phone story, although I'll admit it mostly freaked me out, rather than provided comfort. I was in Colorado by myself, finishing up a few days of vacation. Missed Maureen so much that I felt dead myself. I woke up about midnight, looked outside, and in a moonlit sky, there was this enormous angel-formation type cloud, sailing in front of the moon, just huge. I woke up again about 3AM, feeling so desperate. I thought about the cloud, decided I was crazy, and then remembered all the stories here about phone calls from our children. I'm sometimes so angry at her that she was so nuts, so careless, to die and leave us like this. So I said to God, OK, if she's really out there, have her call me. I felt stupid as soon as I had that thought. Then, about a minute later, through my open windows I began to hear a bell ring, faintly but distinctly, just like a slow phone sound. I think it was one of those back up bells on a big truck, but why was a truck backing up at 3AM, and just after I'd said, Call me if you are really out there? I was, frankly, very afraid. I still think about that night and I'm awed by the probability of contact. She was so determined, so willful, that if anybody can signal their mom from heaven, it's my girl.

Georgia

[rhonda68]

Maureensmom I know exactly how you feel about hardly being able to read, let alone write I have felt like that so many times. Awesome about the angel cloud and the ring from above. I will definately have you in my thoughts and prayers tommorrow on your dear daughters angel date how hard all these times are. My candle will burn in memory of your daughter and my son.

Richardsmom

[lorismom]

For Maureensmom ~ Georgia ~ I will be thinking of you tomorrow on Maureen's angel day. And like you, I too, have times when reading or posting just seems too difficult. I just have to step back for a while. So be gentle with yourself and know that Maureen will always be close to you. Take care........Patty

[daveydow1]

Mommabert,

I am sorry for the loss of your dear son. Your

love will always keep him close to you. Peace.

Maureensmom,

I will be thinking of you tomorrow on your dear

Maureen's angel day. May you find some peace.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Maureensmom, I too have you in my thoughts and prayers as you approach your 1 year angel date. My son Joey has only been gone four months, but with each moment that passes I only miss him more. I can imagine how you feel, but know too I will reach that angel day and my heart will cry for him. God bless you in your time of remembering and I pray you find peace in her memories...

With Love, Claudia

[ronsmom]

GEORGIA:

I haven\'t been on in a while and I see your having your first anniversary tomorrow. I will light a candle for your girl in the morning and think of her and You. I am so sorry your going through this.

I haven\'t been in for a while been visiting my daughter, and visiting a Very Special new friend who I met Right Here in BI...Philipsmom lives in Arizona and my daughter is in Vegas, she and her husband flew into Vegas to spend some time with us, It was wonderful. If any of you get the chance to contact one another one on one, do it, better yet if you can visit someone after \"talking\" to them in here and via email, DO IT...it was great! This was my 2nd contact that became a reality. It has helped so much. As ALL of you have helped me get through these 17 months without my son. I couldn\'t have gone without the conversations that are in here, as ONLY you guys feel the same, we have a great comaradarie in here, such a connection.......

I was feeling pretty good while I was away, but I got bogged down in a pity party my last day and couldn\'t stop the tears, my eyes burned so bad all day long and the tears were so close to the surface, it was so hard to leave my baby girl out there and come home. This Christmas is going to be very hard, last year we \"ran away\"...this year I\'m trying really hard to be strong and put together a \"normal christmas\" for the rest of the family. My daughter can\'t come home, and I only have one other son living, he will be here with his little girls, but no matter how hard I go through the effort of putting it together normally, it isn\'t going to be normal, we all know that......I don\'t know how I will feel when I pull out the decoration (memories) from past years,seeing Rons stocking, his star, his drawings this is going to totally suck. I\'d rather run away once again!!

I hope all of you have some peace these next few weeks leading up to what used to be a wonderful day for all, just know your not alone in how your feeling.........and once again, thanks for being there for Me all this time!!!!

blueskies!

Bonnie

[mom2angels]

{{{Mommabert}}} ~ I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Josh. Welcome to our family, and please tell us more about Josh. You have found a place where we all understand how each other feels and what each other is going through, so please don't hesitate to post.

{{{Georgia}}} ~ Although it is often difficult to read here sometimes, and we all need to take a break occasionally, it's good to know that there are always others here to turn to for support and compassion. My prayers for your strength, peace and comfort are with you on Maureen's Angel Day, and I will light a candle in her honor.

{{{HUGS}}} To All~ I love your poetry, and the Sand Fleas was excellent. I ordered the play "Rabbit Hole" for myself as a gift, so I'll give you a review of it after I read it. It's about a mom/dad and family grieving for a young boy, and it won a few Tonys this year.

I visit here everyday, but I haven't had the energy to post. I've been fighting a painful battle with abscessed teeth for about 7 weeks now. I finally had all 4 of them removed, and I'm hoping that will be the end of that.

Meanwhile, our sister-in-law passed away, and my best friend's mother passed away. Both had metastatic cancer and were in their mid sixties. My best friend's mom was on a ventilator, from which she was removed so that she could pass gently. Of course, this stirred up many memories for me of Michael's illness and removing him from the vent, during which time my friend was with us. So, it's been an emotionally exhausting time for all of us.

Jim and I are working ourselves into the holiday spirit for Jonathan's benefit. But, we also know that we need to do this for ourselves, as well as for Michael. I believe that Michael would want us to carry on with living, remembering him and incorporating him into our holidays and special occasions.

I can only imagine, based upon the way I feel. I wouldn't want to be the reason that my loved ones stopped acknowledging and celebrating holidays. And, I would want memories and thoughts of me to bring smiles, not tears, to the ones I love. I would also want them to experience joy and happiness and know that I would share in it with them, even though I wasn't physically present.

Of course, being on this side and not the Other Side, I know how challenging it is to blend my grief with cheerfulness. While the pain is undeniable, it is easier to bear when I remind myself that Michael is surrounded by God's amazing love and peace in the Perfect Place. And that is what I celebrate.

Speaking of reminders -- this Sunday, December 10th is the annual Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting. At 7:00 p.m. your time, wherever you live, around the globe, candles will be lit to honor the memory of our children. More information is available at:

http://www.compassionatefriends.org

We will be lighting candles at 7 p.m. our time on Sunday in memory of all of our precious angels here on Beyond Indigo. As always, we will pray for your peace and comfort, and for you to feel your children very near and hold them in your dreams~

Blessings to each one of you~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[messenger]

MAUREENSMOM.........THANKS FOR SHARING..............YOU WILL BE IN MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TODAY............MAY YOU HEAR THAT SPECIAL RING TODAY..........AND FIND COMFORT IN KNOWING SHE IS STILL WITH YOU... MESSENGER

[ashleysmom]

Georgia, Thinking of you today. May you have a peaceful day with gentle memories of Maureen. Your story was amazing. You are in my prayers for strength and peace, Love, Dottie

[mommabert]

JOSH WILL BE 26 ON JAN.22. HE IS MY BABY. HE HAS ONE OLDER BROTHER. JOSH LOST HIS ONLY CHILD ( SON ) IN AUG.2002. MY GRANDSON AND UNCLE JOSH WHERE BEST BUDS. JOSH WAS IN AN CAR ACC. ON HIS WAY TO WORK. THEY SAY MOST ACC. HAPPEN CLOSE TO HOME. HE WAS 20 MINS. AWAY. HE WILL NEVER THAT FAR AWAY AGAIN... MY OTHER SON DRIVES FROM ONE SIDE OF THE STATE TO THE OTHER EVER DAY. NOW WHEN THE PHONE RINGS I GET REAL BAD FEELING. MAY GOD WITH US ALL .AND HELP US ON OUR WAY

[philipsmom]

Georgia, I have just lit a candle in honor of your beautiful girl Maureen. I hope you find some peace today in your memories of her. Your phone story is amazing. I love hearing these stories.

Bonnie (Rons mom) and I had a wonderful visit in Las Vegas. I echo her words that one on one communication is so good for all of us. I just wish Bonnie and I lived nearer to each other. It would be so good to run over to her house when I needed that cry. I try not to cry in front of my family because they of course don't know how to help me and it upsets them.

This is our first Christmas without Philip and I am very sad but I feel like I can do it. I have an 18 year old still at home and I just have to do as much as I can for her. This is her last year at home before going to college so I am going to try to make it through without too many tears.

Bless you all for being here. It helps me so much to read on here and someday I hope I can be of help to someone else.

Nancy - Philips mom forever

[daveydow1]

For Mommabert,

This being your year for "firsts", the holidays will

undoubtedly be difficult without your dear Josh. You

mentioned that his accident happened 20 min. from home.

That is about exactly the distance that my son, Davey,

had the accident which claimed his life (6/14/03).

Josh and his young son must be together now in heaven.

You are in my prayers as the Christmas holidays approach.

Peace be with you all.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[robsmom]

HI EVERYONE!

I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE FOR AWHILE. REALLY TRYING TO GET MYSELF TOGETHER. THIS IS MY FIRST YEAR WITHOUT ROB. I WENT TO MACY'S LAST NIGHT. WALKED AROUND THE STORE LIKE A ZOMBIE BOUGHT SOME THINGS FOR MY DAUGHTER AND DAUGHTER-IN-LAW HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I BOUGHT BUT I BOUGHT SOMETHING. WENT OUT TODAY TO THE GAP AND BOUGHT A FEW THINGS FOR MY GRANDSON BUT IF YOU WERE TO ASK WHAT I BOUGHT I COULDN'T TELL YOU. I DON'T THINK WE ARE GOING TO PUT UP A TREE BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING TO BE HERE, GOING TO MY SONS INLAWS FOR CHRISTMAS EVE AND MY DAUGHTERS TO SLEEP OVER CHRISTMAS EVE AND STAY FOR CHRISTMAS DAY, THEY DON'T WANT US TO WAKE UP HERE BY OURSELVES ON CHRISTMAS DAY. I WOULD JUST LIKE TO STAY IN BED WITH THE COVERS OVER MY HEAD UNTIL THE WHOLE THING IS OVER.

WHILE I WON'T PUT A TREE UP I AM GOING TO LIGHT UP THE OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE LIKE BROADWAY, BECAUSE THAT WAS ROBS THING. HE LOVED CHRISTMAS AND LIGHTS, THE MORE THE BETTER.

I AM JUST HEARTBROKEN.

ROBSMOM, FOREVER

[ronsmom]

Tis the season, and like Robsmom I want to stay in bed and put the covers over my head. Thought I could get through this one alright, but Wham it hits hard when you start doing the special little things that you do only once a year..it all comes back. I've told you all, that last year was my first christmas and we ran away. Literally we Did! I sooo want to do that again, but my son is telling me to do it, he sounded so urgent I feel I will have to keep pusing just to do it for him, and his lil girls. But I am so not into it. I started today with putting the tree together (artificial) the grandaughters are coming tomorrow so I will just give them my boxes and tell them to do it Their way...I really don't want to do it and I'm sure they will have a lot of fun touching the stuff thats been off limits to their little fingers for so many years! (they could bust them all for all I care I right now) I was doing well and really thought this would all go smoothly I had no idea how gut wrenching it would be to do something so simple as assemble a tree. I think it was when I put my normal "angel" topping aside and got out Rons Star, he had it on his last christmas tree and I kept it..if that hurt this much what am I going to do when I find the stocking, and his engraved star with his name on it? arrrggghhh I can't believe he is dead, 17 mos. and I STILL can't believe he is dead.

All the help I've gotten in here, someone has to know how to get through the holidays!! Anybody?????????

Bonnie

[messenger]

DEAR RONSMOM..............IT IS SO HARD..THE HOLIDAYS..............WHAT WOULD RON WANT YOU TO DO??? THAT IS HOW I HAVE TO LOOK AT IT..MY SON HAS BEEN GONE THE SAME LENGTH OF TIME AS YOUR DEAR SON...HE LOVED CHRISTMAS AND WENT ALL OUT...SO I DO THE SAME..YES THE MEMORIES OF EACH ORNAMENT..THE MEMORIES THAT WENT WITH PUTTING UP THE TREE ..MUSIC......ALL HARD.BUT YOU HAVE TO KNOW..RON.........IS WATCHING OVER YOU AND WOULD WANT YOU TO FIND SOME..........I DONT KNOW WHAT WORD TO USE..PEACE......IN DECORATING.....HE WOULD NOT WANT YOU TO BLOCK OUT THE TIME OF YEAR HE LOVED...I PRAY YOU WILL BE ABLE TO DECORATE SOME THIS YEAR...........BELIEVE ME............I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS..MY SON WAS 27.......AND I MISS HIM WITH ALL MY HEART TOO...WE WILL ALL GET THRU THIS TOGETHER...THE ANGELS ON HERE..WILL GIVE YOU BETTER ADVICE...BUT I JUST HAVE TO KNOW..........MY SON WOULD WANT ME TO GO ON AS I ALWAYS DID AND I AM SURE YOUR SON WOULD WANT THE SAME....

BONNIE.......YOU MIGHT THINK ABOUT DOING SOMETHING FOR SOME NEEDY FAMILY ...BUY THEM A FOOD BASKET..A GIFT .BAKE SOMETHING...CALL AND BRING IT OVER...WATCH THE SMILE AND APPRECIATION COME OVER THEIR FACE AND YOU WILL SEE..THERE IS JOY IN THE SEASON.........MESSENGER

[ashleysmom]

This Christmas season has been my hardest yet. It is my third year without Ashley and the first year Crystal will not be home. My husband and I will be alone Christmas morning. Everyone with children eventually go through this, but it is so much more intensified not having Ashley here and knowing I will not see her Christmas day. I had a hard time with the tree, even though I got a real tree. My last tree before my world collapsed was artificial. Ashley and I used to put it up together. I am not shopping much, Emma is too young to know. I wish I could just rip December off the calendar. I don't know if it ever gets better, it has just gotten worse for me. The worst part is, noone understands! People think I should be "over" this. The only way that will happen is the day they lay me to rest beside my baby. Sorry I can't be more cheerful, my heart just aches... Peace to all of us...Dottie

[mamabets]

For All~ The first Christmas that we were without Danny, Jackie, Dean , Julia and I had a tree here that we decorated with red, blue and yellow ribbons- He LOVED Superman, so we bought the wrapping ribbon, TONS of it and would cut long streamers and just throw them on all over the tree- That was in December of 2004- Then, Jackie and Julia moved to Chicago, Jackie got married, so in 2005, no tree, no decorating, and that was just fine. Last weekend, when I posted the story about Danny's quilt that I have made from his clothes, I got "into the spirit" , so this year, the Superman tree is up, we are celebrating by WAITING for Baby Caroline, due in March, and making sure that Julia has her Christmas dress and jammies- The point, is that, whatever works for you will be the best way to plow through this time. I have always been amazed at the stress that this time of year can cause people under normal circumstances, let alone now, so I do WHATEVER I can to keep it as low keyed as possible. I have found that doing one little something different, helps. I don't bake, for example, but found a darling Santa Claus cookie recipe , then the cooking channel was going to make it yesterday on TV-!!! I found it the other day in this magazine saved from 2004, in my decorations box, Christmas recipes!!! So, looks like I will be making the cookies!! EASYYY if anyone wants it!!! [Email me at huntross4@aol.com] I am also going to post a sweet memory, like Sherry had suggested- This kind of stuff helps, it really does. Be gentle with yourself and just try to put one foot in front of the other. If you can't, throw the covers over your heads!! You are allowed to do that!! I love you~xoxoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For All~ I think one of the sweetest Danny memories was the year that I was as poor as I had ever been, and they knew it. I made one trip to the dollar store-They were , maybe, 13 and 14- Found new underwear and a flannel shirt for Danny, a new nightie and new underwear for Jackie- Total bill was $13.00... Upon opening it, Danny said to me, with Jackie sitting right next to him, her sweet hands folded in her sweet lap, "Mom, you always give us what we need, Dad [we are divcorced] only gives us what we want". Unfortunately, their Dad and his wife buy these big, fancy, expensive things, and upon opening, they are told that they "better take care of it because it cost ALOT of money"-Sad, but true- Jackie got a $400.00 bracelet one year, and they told her it cost that much... Broke her little heart, as my heart breaks for all of us now.. Jackie and I remembered this story yesterday, and then did laugh about how Danny could NEVER understand why the malls were always so NUTS!!! He was 6'5", and during the holidays, especially, would run for the nearest exit!! Claustrophobic, just like me, in malls!!!!! LOLOLLL!!!!! There was also the time when Danny was little that he said that he "heard Santa breathing under his door, and it was LOUD" -LOLOLLL- I love you all!! mamabets

[4everjoeysmom]

Mamabets~ I think you started something really good--as painful as it may be... For me, this is my first Christmas without Joey among us. I'm sure he's singing with a choir of angels a Christmas chorus more beautiful than anything I have ever heard. But here, my chorus is dry. So as painful as it is, maybe it can be a little less bitter and a little more bittersweet to share here with each other one or two of the most special Chrtstmas memories we have with our angels. It may bring tears, but it may find a few smiles and warmed hearts as well...

We have always been fairly traditional, but one year we decided to instead of going out and buying a live tree for Christmas, we would design a tree of lights on one of the vaulted walls in the living room. It must have been 10 feet high and 5 feet wide at the base, because we needed a ladder to reach the upper part. We made ornaments that could be taped to the wall as well. And I remember how Joey would lie on the living room floor at night with his brother, with all the lights off except for his wall tree, and just look at it for hours, commenting on how pretty it was. We even put the real presents under it. The next year we got a real tree. But I recall Joey asking a Christmas or two after if we could put up our wall tree again, because he liked it so much. Somehow that wall tree stuck in his heart even after he went off to college. I have many, many memories of Christmases past with my children as they were growing, but this least traditional one really sticks out.

Another great memory is when I took the kids to their Pa Pa's house and it had just snowed a few inches. They put on the roller blades they had just opened from Pa Pa, because they just couldn't wait to try them out. They roller bladed in the snow until their toes were numb. I remember the face of determination on Joey--he always had that determination to forge ahead, even if it didn't make sense to anyone else.

To my angel, and all the angels here, Merry Christmas sweet babies. You are so loved and missed.

God bless all of you angel parents this Christmas and give you peace with beautiful memories of Christmas seasons past.

-Claudia, 4everjoeysmom

http://Joey-McConkey.virtual-memorials.com

[mamabets]

For 4everjoeysmom~ How about me living in the same town that your friend Robert does, here in North Carolina?? I noticed it when I signed Joey's guestbook and Robert lives about 5 minutes from me!! SMALL world, huge Heavens!!! I love you~ xoxoxmamabets

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Mamabets, Yes! I saw that you are from Huntersville. I really appreciate what you wrote in Joey's guestbook. As much as I hurt not having Joey around this first Christmas, it must be so awesome for him being in that hallelulia chorus with the angels singing Glory to God in the Highest this Christmas. Can you even imagine what it must be like seeing the face of God? I've been trying not to be selfishly angry with the Lord for calling Joey home so soon. It's just such an unnatural order of things. He wasn't supposed to go before me. But the Lord doesn't make mistakes. I just can't figure out though why this is so hard to grasp... He equips us with all that we need to get through, and it should feel like enough... but my grief overwhelms me at times. I'm sure you know...

Anyway, thanks for sharing your heart and your memories. I wish you lots of love and blessings.. Love, Claudia

[aprilsmom]

Don't forget to go to compassionate friends.org and post a message to your child for the candle lighting that is taking place right now all over the world. It is five minutes to seven in California and I am going to light my candle right now for my daughter April, all of your children, and bereaved parents everywhere.

With Love,

Renee

[heybud]

We had asked our neighbors to light candles for Kelly tonight. When we went to the front porch at 7, all the neighbors up and down the street had put out candles in Kelly's honor. In our pain, we once again find a shining light to guide us. Bless you all. Kelly' Mom, Lisa

[mikesmomrs]

HELLO TO ALL: Today started out so sadly, as we contemplated trying to “get through” the decorating of the tree, etc. Our son’s two older boys (9 and 10) were coming over, and we knew we just had to do it, there was no way we could deny them the joy of the occasion. However, though tinged with sadness, it turned out all right, and even was a really special night for us. I had just learned of the candle lighting ceremony that goes on all over the world, each year on the second Sunday of December (thank you, ROSLYN). However, it was too late for us to go, so we had our own ceremony right here at our house. We explained to the boys about the way the candles would be lit all over the world, in a way that it would happen over a 24 hour period, and be like a “wave of light” over the earth. They were really excited about it and they each wrote something to their dad to read at the ceremony, and my daughter, her son, and my husband and I all went out at 7 pm, and lit candles in front of the wreath we have hung on a tree outside in memory of our son. The wreath is on a “cross” made out of birch tree twigs, that was a flower arrangement at our son’s services, in October. We arranged lights on the cross, and through the wreath, so it was really beautiful, outside in the dark, with the Christmas lights, and with the candles lit, as we honored this beautiful man who was a son, a husband, a father, a brother, and an uncle, and who is SO missed! Pain was mingled with love through this ceremony, and I think we all came away from it feeling a little better than we did when we went into it.

BONNIE, you asked for advice on how to get through this--as MESSENGER said, our children would not want us to deny the season, and we are all here for each other, giving strength to each other, praying for each other, being there for each other through the pain. Sometimes we can only do a really small thing and have to stop and go back to it later. We are new to this, as this is our first year without our son, and it hurts, SO much. Our hearts go out to you!

I liked the idea of sharing a Christmas memory; sharing something with each other that might bring a little joy to each other, and surely it might help to ease some of the sorrow to bring to mind a good memory that is now likely buried by the pain and sorrow we are experiencing as we go through the holidays without our loved one.

CLAUDIA: I loved your “Tree of Lights” on the wall—it must have been really beautiful! And I can just see your kids, toes numb, but not giving in!

The Christmas before our son was going to graduate high school and planned on going into the military, we were putting up our “artificial tree” and after it was all decorated, Mike said “Mom, I wish we could have had a REAL tree this year—it would really be neat! Well, we already had the artificial tree up and decorated, but we went out and bought a really small “real” tree, and set it up on a table, we all decorated it, and even put a few small packages under it. It became known as “Mike’s tree” and he was SO protective of it all season! His dad and I received lots of hugs over that one! Every time he walked by it, he would lean over and smell it and smile. Whenever company came, he would make sure they went and looked at “his” tree.

Maybe we could each reach down into our memories, and pull one out to share—and to remember it ourselves, as we try to make it through these days that seem to bring even more pain to our hearts and seem to make us miss our loved one even more (if that is possible!)!

ASHLEYSMOM: You are in my prayers tonight, as all of you are, asking God to give us strength to move through this time. I think of that “blanket over my head,” also.

GEORGIA-MAUREENSMOM: I loved your story—and surely your angel was reaching out to you!

I apologize for this lengthy post, but I think we all have the need for “extra” words right now. I pray that God will pour out His love on all of us, and send some peaceful moments to each of us through this Christmas time.

So much love to you all, Carol, MIKESMOMRS

[mommabert]

christmas is comming soon. it has been 7 months sence my son josh passed. to day we are going to go look at grave stones. this is not what i wanted to get him for christmas. i have a big hole in my heart. i miss him so very much. when will the hurt stop.

[4everjoeysmom]

Mommabert, I am so, so sorry that you have to do something so heart-wrenching in addition to coping through this seemingly empty Christmas season. Reading your post, as pain-filled as I am myself, makes me thankful that I didn\'t have to pick out a headstone for my Joey. His accident left him in very, very bad shape that his father nor I had the strength or courage to see him. The wind carried his ashes over the horse pasture he loved so much at his dad\'s farm. In a way it seems more surreal to me because I never saw him when he wasn\'t full of life. I am thankful for that...

My heart aches for you today as you go about your task of choosing a grave stone. I don\'t know how we get through the pain, except to say there is a God far greater and compassionate than my finite mind can grasp, and it is He that carries us through the pain and carries us when we have no strength to walk. Sometimes I feel angry at God for taking Joey from me. But then I am reminded that He too sacrificed a son, and He knows this pain. I am praying for you...

[bokenhearted]

Mommabert

When I read your post my heart went out to you. I too am organising my son's headstone. But unlike you I waited for over 12 months before I could bring myself to do it. Just today I finallised it all. As hard as it was to do I am actuallly pleased now that I have done it. I am looking forward to it finally being placed on my sons grave. I find that going to the cemetary helps calm me when I am feeling really sad. Just to sit near him and chat to him helps me cope on my bad days.

I found it really hard choosing an inscription but between my husband, daughter and myself we are happy with the verse we came up with. I would just like to share that with you if I may.

YOUR PRESENCE WE MISS

YOUR MEMORY WE TREASURE

LOVING YOU ALWAYS

FORGETTING YOU NEVER.

If you can't manage to organise his headstone yet then leave it until you can. Christmas time might not be best time to do it. But as in every other step in this grieving process only you can decide this. You asked when will this hurt stop. Unfortunately I don't think the hurt will ever totally stop but it will become less heavy with time. It has been 19 months since I lost Karl and there are days when I cope better. Sadly though the hole in my heart is still there and I personally think it will always be there. But I will keep going because I am lucky enough to have a great husband and a lovely daughter who need me, just as I need them. We are here for each other. I hope you have other family to support you in your time of need.

Be kind to yourself and let the warm memories of your Josh get you through Christmas. We are all here for you.

Prayers and Hugs

Jo

[daveydow1]

For All,

I'm sorry that this time of year is so rough. Yes, each

of us has to handle the holidays in our own way. Maybe

we can find some joy in it somewhere, but the grief seems

to be there just under our thinly veiled heartache.

We went to the cemetery yesterday to take the Christmas

trees to the graves of our son, Davey, and baby daughter

Lisa. As we finished placing the tree on Dave's grave,

we looked up into the blue sky and saw flocks & flocks

of white birds (gulls) circling and flying in no certain pattern.

All was silent with the birds, and as the sun caught their

undersides,they appeared to be illuminated. It was quite

a breathtaking sight. We felt it was a sign from Davey &

all our angels here from BI saying 'hello' and that all was

well. I had never seen anything like this in my life.

Bonnie, I think we had a 'blue sky' day.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[kathy714]

Hi Everyone,i am so upset,i had to work this weekend and just realized i didn't get to light my candle at 7pm,as i was driving to work at that time,i did go to Nate's site today to bring a small tree.I have been reading all the post and there is so many things i can relate to,i understand how differcult this time of year is,and i agree i am also having a hard time,i still don't have a tree,for some reason i keep making excuses why i don't have time to get one.Last year was my first Christmas without Nate,so i decorated my tree in silver and blue,silver and clear bulbs for our tears and the blue was for how we felt,i also did it for my other son and grandaughter,but this year i just don't care ,it's awful..I am also having a hard time trying to shop for others everything reminds me of Nate,i lost it over a pair of socks that were the kind Nate always wore,and every year i would buy Nate socks and boxers...I don't know maybe each years gets harder...T/C everyone here is always in my prayers.Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[kathy714]

Dear Mommabert,i agree this is a tough time to pick out a stone,Jan 31 will be two years since my son Nate passed,i plan to go after christmas and plan to have it done by memorial day,my husband was very ill so i couldn't get my self to go before,but he is doing better now,we have a plot for six.We have a nice cross there now ,it has a lamanated picture of Nate ,with his name on it,and everyone that goes to visit,signs it.I plan to move back here to a corner in my yard where i have a memorial garden for Nathan.Take your time,i don't think you should wait as long as i did,but at least wait until you feel stonger ,if you need to,what ever you decide i hope it all works out for you,picking out a stone can never be easy,T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[eriksmom]

I realize I haven't posted in awhile, though I've been keeping up on the thread about the holiday. Erik has been gone just seven weeks, but we are going through the motions with Christmas anyway. We put up our tree and put the lights on it, but I told my husband there was no way I could open that box of decorations. Our tree was filled with memories. Decorations the kids made in school, ornaments we bought on our trips, ornaments that mark a milestone (like Baby's Second Christmas). Each year, I'd stand there and just look at each one, recalling the memory. Erik would, too. Can't do that this year. No way. Not sure if I ever will. We bought two special ornaments in memory of Erik and that's all that's on the tree. But each morning when I go downstairs, I turn on the lights on the tree because I always did that for Erik as he waited for the van to take him to work when it was still dark. He loved it when the other workers in the van told him how pretty his house was during the holidays. He was very proud. That's what's so darned hard about this whole thing. We do things in memory of our kids, because that's what they would want, but then it just saddens us because they aren't here to enjoy it with. And that makes all the difference. But, step by step.

We are blessed to already have Erik's marker on his grave. My husband insisted we go to the monument company the day after Erik died. I told him there was no hurry because they wouldn't put it up until spring but it seemed important to him, so we went. It was a little place, out of the way, run by an older couple. While we were talking about our son, the lady took out the newspaper and said, "You mean this is your son?" (There was a wonderful story about him the day after he died.) They said they would do everything they could to get the marker up before winter and they did. For us, it's been good. It's no joy picking out the stone, but it will bring you comfort when you visit.

My favorite Christmas memory with Erik: We always opened our gifts on Christmas Eve because we wanted to include the grandparents. So, we didn't do the Christmas morning thing. But the Christmas of 1999, my mom was in the hospital for knee surgery so we were able to open our gifts on Christmas morning. Both my sons got me "mom" gifts. A "mom" afghan and a "mom" coffee cup. I have a photo of both of them hugging me while I held up the gifts. We're in our jammies. It was probably the happiest I've ever been.

God bless,

Eriksmom

[rhonda68]

This is my second Christmas without my son and I feel quite despaired. I could not put up the tree, last year I forced myself for the sake of my other son. My boyfirend put up the tree though so its good for my son. Its like I am just bottled up with emotions and its hard to even move sometimes well most of the time. I am so angry right now I cant even go to the mall it drives me NUTS. It also drives me crazy to be driving its like I cant. I cant even explain what I am going threw.

Richards Mom

[mommabert]

first thanks to everyone for their support. my son, rocio josh's girlfriend,myself . went to choose a stone. all i could do was cry. my heart was breaking all over again. i dont think they evey knew i was crying . i try so hard not to let them see. if this helps them find peace with all that is going on. i will support them. i am not even sure what the stone looks like. the only thing i said was we should get braden's stone to match. that is josh & rocio's baby. he saw stillborn 8/10/2002. will thanks again your in my prays mommabert

[mom2angels]

{{{HUGS}}} To Everyone~

My heart just goes out to all of you. The struggle to find a new normal with the holidays is enormous. I'm sure that our children want us to do whatever is best for us, and that includes not stressing out over what we are going to do. My approach to the holidays changes every year, yet always incorporating Michael into everything we do. If I begin to feel stressed out about anything, I drop it. No need to push beyond what I know is my limit.

Remember to take extra good care of yourselves now. Grief is very stressful, and that stress is exacerbated during the holiday season. This makes you vulnerable to colds, flus, and viruses, which are spread at this time of year. So, be sure to eat properly, and take vitamins and supplements to boost your immune system. Get as much fresh air as you can, and try to walk a little bit every day. It's easy to neglect ourselves in times of deep grieving. But the better you take care of your health, the better you will be able to cope with your grief.

It's never going to be easy. So our goal is to make it "less difficult." What we want most, we cannot have, so we must make the best of what we do have. I have found that focusing on my spiritual relationship with Michael has eased some of the pain of his physical absence. Of course, I'm still in the physical, so I still miss him, and I will for the remainder of my Earthly life. But I do know that he is always available to me, and he continues to live "beyond indigo" surrounded by perfect peace, love, and light.

I pray for each of you to be comforted by this same thought of your children. They aren't stressed out about the holidays. They aren't stressed about anything. And they do not want us to be stressed either.

To me, that is what the holidays represent now--peace, love and light--a celebration of the place where our angels reside, free of all of the Earthly burdens that they knew and that we still know. My arms are empty, and they ache. But my spirit is lightened knowing that my son is in the Perfect Place, and I am happy for him. Like all of you, I am striving to find the balance between those two states.

Last Sunday, we lit many candles in honor of your children, and we prayed for your peace and comfort. About an hour later our friend/neighbor called to tell us that after she lit her candles for Michael and all the children, she walked out to her back deck to drink in the panoramic view. There she saw a giant cloud formation in the shape of angel wings, spanning the sky and embracing the Earth. We both agreed that this was an undeniable message that our angels are among us, and they are watching over us.

Blessings to you all and may you feel your children's presence and hold them in your dreams~

Peace, Love & Light,

Roslyn

[kathy714]

Hi Carol,i think that is a great idea,for everyone to share one of their favorite memories of Christmas,i think my favorite christmas was the year it snowed like crazy,so we bought the kids sleds and stuff for sleding,after we all ate,we all bundle up and went sledding,Nathan had gotten a louge[i don't know how it is spelled]and we had so much fun with it,because the flatter you laid,the faster and further it would go,i can't remember why we didn't have go visiting that year,but we just stayed home and had fun.Also my most important memory of Nathan and Christmas,that i will always cherish,is every year from as far as i can remember ,Nathan would always wait until i was all done wrapping and putting out all the gifts,and when i was done i would shut off all the lights except for the tree lights,and it seemed like i would be in bed for 10 minutes,when i would here little feet running out to the tree to grab a present,i would yell "Nathan get back in bed!",and this would go on all night,and in the morning i would go in his room and at the bottom of his bed would be the wrapping paper from the gifts he had taken during the night..I really thought last year maybe i would here something like him coming out to the tree,but i didn't...T/C Kathy,Nate' mom 4 ever

[Guest Guest]

To all,

This will be brief but it is something I wanted to share. We heard it last night in a faith-based support group that we began attending and it was comforting:

"A brief life is not an incomplete life."

One of the common threads in all our stories is how brightly our children's flames burned, whether it was for months or years. How much love they gave and received in their abbreviated time. That is a complete life.

May this thought bring us all peace this season.

Eriksmom

[kirksdad]

Eriksmom, the thought about a life not being incomplete is good. After Kirk's death, when we were fighting the memorial problem with our school system, one board member told some one the kids didn't deserve to be remembered in the way they were because they hadn't accomplished anything. Needless to say that board member had to apologize and retract what they said. A life no matter how brief touches the lives of many people. Lessons are learned, joy is felt, sadness is hard, but the life not only matters, but makes such a difference in everyone who experiences that individual. Kirk's life may have been brief, but his life mattered and meant something to a lot of people, it still does, as does the lives of all of our children. Thank you for sharing that thought, it meant a lot.

[4everjoeysmom]

I wish I could feel that way... Joey accomplished so many things in his life, and had a long list of dreams still to be conquered. It's hard to think his life was complete, especially when I think of the time his baby brother will get married and not have his first choice of best man there to stand up by his side... Or now as the students are taking their final exams before the holiday break, there is one exam that goes untouched... I guess in terms of complete or incomplete, I see it more as a life here "unfinished". And it's those unfinished dreams that make me so sad...

My comfort is in knowing that where Joey is now, all is complete. He's there waiting with his beautiful smile. He is happy... and I will see him there. Until then, tears will fall now and again as I carry his love to my completion.

[ashleysmom]

One of my favorite Christmas memories of Ashley is the year she was four. My husband and I were putting all of the gifts under the tree. The girls had been in bed, asleep, for hours. It was around midnight. The girls heard something, so bleary eyed they came out of their bedroom and Ashley began to shake all over she was so excited! We had to pretend we had heard something and came out to investigate. We said to the girls "We think it's Santa, quick we need to go back to bed before we scare him away". So we all went back to bed. My husband and I got up later and put his boots in the fireplace ash and walked them from the chimney to the tree and back again. The girls were so amazed that Santa had left tracks! They believed in Santa for many more years after that! Ashley was always so excited about Christmas. She always decorated the tree with me, even when she was older. I miss her so much. Thanks for the suggestion of a Christmas memory. It brought joy to my heart thinking of that day, Peace and love, Dottie

[mikesmomrs]

This morning I am faced with 2 things that I wish so much were not happening. The first is that this marks 2 mos that our son is gone. 2 mos that I don't know how I have gotten through...how any of us have gotten through—our son’s wife, who only had him for less than two years, his two older boys, 9 and 10, and his baby son who turned 2 yesterday, (who, when you ask him where daddy is, he puts his hand over his heart, and smiles), his dad, his sisters, his nieces and nephews, his friends. So many tears, so many thoughts, so many joys, so many regrets. I've had 2 days that I have not cried on the way to work and on the way home. 2 days out of 2 mos. I hope and pray that one day, it will be that I have cried 2 days out of 2 mos instead of the other way around. It seems as though the Christmas that is going on around us just is tormenting us more. I have tried. We have put up a tree. My son's favorite ornament still sits in its box, on the table. I CANNOT bring myself to open it and put it up. My heart explodes in my chest every time I pick it up. We have put a wreath outside in his honor, and put lights on it, and fastened it to the cross made of birch branches that was on display at his services and we have since fastened to a big oak tree in our yard. We leave the lights on 24/7. We held our candle lighting ceremony there on Sunday; And we all cried.

Tonight on the way home, I tried thinking only positive thoughts. Then I got down to thinking only about the lights on the car in front of me. Then I just gave up and cried. Even the positive thoughts make me cry, but the negative ones just send me over the edge. I have SO many blessings to count, so many, I know. First of all, we had our son for 31 awesome years. And although we did not have him for the “possibly 2 to even 4 years” that the doctors predicted we might, after diagnosing terminal brain cancer last year, we did have him for 17 mos. We tried to use every day of those 17 months to the fullest, and for the most part, I think we did. Yet, there were so many things that we could have and should have done that just never got done. 17 mos sounds like a very long time, and I know that we were SO blessed to have them. It was SUCH a BLESSING to be able to spend that time loving each other more, being with each other more. We had so many things we did. But I still think of all the things we DIDN'T do. Like, we DIDN'T make a tape. We INTENDED to. But, it just seems that life got in the way—and this, in itself, was good. But, not having made the tape is gut wrenching at times. We did take a LOT of pictures. We do have snippets of tape, from here and there—one even where he says “I love all of you, so very much.” We did take a tape of his last birthday, his 31st, in August, a bittersweet day where we celebrated his life and managed for the most part to keep at bay the torturous thoughts of the short time he had left. (We had recently been told that he had anywhere from 2 wks to 2 mos due to the recurrence of the tumor and rapid growth of new cancer cells—doubling in size every 10 days or so, stealing him from us, a little at a time.)

21 precious minutes of watching him opening his presents, joking with everyone, smiling, talking—to his wife, his kids, myself, his dad, his sisters, his nieces and nephews, his friends. There is even a segment showing him blowing out the candles on his cake, and I am standing beside him. When he blows them out, I lean over and hug and kiss him, tell him how much I love him. What a gift for us to have that!

A lot of the 17 mos, he was sick: 2 brain surgeries, chemo, radiation, a few months of hope and doing “okay,” and then, a recurrence of the tumor, inoperable this time, etc. But he was so brave, he was SO awesome through the whole thing, always telling people when they asked how he was. “Hey, I’m fine,” he would say, “I’m doing fine.”.And, of course, the one thing that we are MOST thankful for: after praying for the previous 4-5 years for it to happen, he finally returned to his faith! The most horrid worry of all was that he would die without doing that. But, thank God, after his second surgery last year, he renewed his baptism, and accepted God into his heart again, and when he passed away, it was with thoughts of meeting Jesus.

A few nights before he passed, it was 2 am or so, and I was sitting at his bedside, alone, holding his hand. Everyone else had gone to sleep. He and I had just finished listening to his sister's recording of "Will You Remember Me" which is what he requested she sing at his service. She knew that she would NOT be able to get through it, so she and her friend went to a recording studio and recorded it. He was so happy listening to it. Then we listened to Mercy Me's "I Can Only Imagine." "Mom," he said, "I wonder what I will do...will I be like that? Will I fall on my knees and not be able to stand? Will I ‘sing hallelujah, or not be able to speak at all?’" I held his hand as we talked about that for a few minutes, joking that he had always been able to “speak up” before, and I couldn’t imagine him ever not being able to speak up, even to God! I squeezed his hand and hugged him, and then went into the other room and broke down and cried what I thought must have been a river! Two days later, he lost his voice and could not speak to us again. He slept most of the time at this point, but that night, his father’s birthday, he sang happy birthday to his dad by mouthing the words to the song. When the song was over, he smiled at us and closed his eyes again, sleeping. He passed 2 days after that, and once again, and for the last time, I was holding his hand.

Now, the 2nd thing I must face today is that I must take the urns to the funeral home today, for them to be filled, and brought back home. His ashes. My son’s ashes. I think of the precious pink skin I touched in awe when he was a baby, the sweet smell of him after a bath, kissing his sweet smelling face, and then I remember the wonderful roughness of his wiry red beard against my face as I kissed him goodbye for the last time.

His ashes will rest in an urn, and at his request, there will be one for his wife, one for each of his children, one for his dad and I, one for his best friend. His sisters and I also chose to have a cross for myself, and a pendant for each of them, to keep him close to our hearts, as well as in our hearts. His soul is flying with Jesus, but my heart is dragging even as I say a prayer of thanks that he did indeed get to find out whether he would “sing hallelujah or be able to speak at all,” and whether he would dance for Jesus or fall to his knees. He doesn’t have to “imagine” anymore—he is there. But we do. We have to imagine how we are going to go on without him. We have to imagine how we will honor his life by blossoming in ours. We WILL do it. We WILL. But, for now, we weep. For now, we bring his ashes home, and cry. And imagine.

I apologize for this very lengthy post, but I just felt like I needed to say it all. And I thank you so much for being here, for “listening,” for putting your own sorrows aside for a moment to reach out to others and ease their sorrow. Thank you. And bless all of us, as we walk this road that never should be. I pray for strength for us all, and to find some joys to remember as we try to move through these holidays. Keep posting those sweet memories of Christmas and your beloved child; they are so wonderful to read. Love and peace to you all.

Carol, MIKESMOMRS

[mikesmomrs]

KATHY--Nates mom, I am so sorry you weren\'t home to light your candle, but perhaps it will help to know that when we had our ceremony, we had all of you from BI in our hearts and thoughts. Our prayers were for all of us on BI.

MOMMABERT: I am so glad your sorrowful day of picking out your son\'s headstone is over. Strength to you for the days to follow.

RHONDA68, Richards mom: My heart aches for you that you are having such rough days, such awful days. Know taht we are all with you in thought and prayer.

God bless all. MIKESMOMRS - Carol

[4everjoeysmom]

Carol-- I was reading you rpost about today, (taking your urns to be filled, and I couldn't help flashing back to the day we received Joey's ashes. We didn't choose an urn or fancy container, because we had already planned to put them throughout hs favorite horse pasture, where he had been all summer long. I just remember our funeral director coming with them and giving them to me. I clutched that box so tight against my chest, I had an imprint for hours. I felt so numb walking out to that field, blinded through so many tears. It's a day I could never, never forget, as we stood in a small circle and each greeted Joey (in Heaven), and afterwards watching Joey's dad walk along the pasture, letting the wind carry the ashes as they were slowly released over many more tears.

I am so sorry for your pain and what you must face in doing your task for today. I enjoyed hearing about your last months, weeks and days with Mike and all that you were able to do and prepare for him and for yourselves. We lost Joey in a blink. He went out with some people, and the next thing we knew the story about a young man killed by a train was about our Joey. We never got to say goodbye...

Your story of the Mercy Me song and your discussion with Mike brought me some comfort. Joey came to Christ a few summers ago, when he turned 21. I know he is there with Jesus too, and I thank the Lord for that, because I will see him again and for eternity. But for now, I Can Only Imagine...

Blessings & Love, Claudia

[ashleysmom]

Carol, Your post has tears running down my face. You put it so well. That is what we are left here with. Having to imagine the rest of our lives without our children physically present, but with hope we go on, knowing we will meet again. I am sorry you will be having such a rough day today. Know you are in my prayers as you bring your precious son's ashes home.