Members Jeff's Mom Posted May 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 25, 2014 Shannon, taking a step back to cocoon at this time is perfectly ok. We all know how particularly hard it is to face special dates those first few years. You must do what feels right for you. Gretchen, go with your instincts on this one. I agree that facing a group of people who will only naturally ask those questions will be uncomfortable. However it is a good opportunity to come up with an answer that you can give from now on to that type of question. You could find that you are not alone in this. There could be others there that have also lost a child. I know it is hard. I have experienced many awkward silences when I have told them that my son died a few years ago. There are some that immediately offer their sympathy. However it sure can be a mood killer for many. I simply say that I have two sons. One lives in Calgary and the other unfortunately passed away a few years ago. I then keep talking and change the subject. That usually works for me. Stand your ground. Only go if you feel comfortable with this yourself at the time. Lyra is adorable! Huge bright eyes. What a doll. We woke up this morning to cloudy skies and a cooler temp. We are having company this evening for a barbecue. Hubby is busily cleaning his barbecue. He is feeling so much better these days. The opportunity to get outside and work in the yard has definitely helped lift his spirits. While he does tire easily...and sleeps a great deal...it is good for him to keep busy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shorty16 Posted May 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 25, 2014 Hello to all my friends,Wisconsin in sunny and warm. Put this in the history books. We are having some family over for a small barbecue. Nothing big.We are enjoying the weather. I hope all on this site can feel the sun on their face and the hugs from our angels.Colleen, Brian's Mom forever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted May 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 25, 2014 I talk to my new tenants....the ones from out of town I give my Best Brenham Talk....get a packet from the Chamber that has great maps and lots of info....I tell them I raised 6 children...1 daughter and 5 boys.....most are in awe that I survived the 5 boys.....I don't skip a beat...for that is the truth.... I do not say anything about losing John David...it is still too raw....I don't want to go into detail and tell 'how and why'....and....emotionally....I am not that grounded ...and I know it....and there would be tears...I don't think it is fair to them....or me....to have to deal with that...and that is the way it is for now. Gretchen...I do understand about the class reunion...my class was close...still is....but I was contacted by one of my sweetest classmates about a month ago...about our 50th Reunion coming up.....and right now....the way 'I FEEL' today....I would skip it...and if you have lost the best friends from your class....well....it could be a very sad experience for you....Ginger...my best friend in my class died...in fact....my Best Friends....Ginger, Zane, Carol and Margaret Ann have all passed.....out of 'our circle' only me and Delores are left....and one has to think that if your friends were still here....they would be a great source of support and strength if you went with them.... I have to face it....there has been a great shift in my life.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted May 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 25, 2014 Gretchen, I love the flying toy in the background of the picture of your grand daughter....she is a sweetie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted May 26, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 26, 2014 Laurie....I heard that song..."I Drive Your Truck"....and thought of you and Jesse David....really touched me....and that video I started to watch...but could not finish...thinking of you....really... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted May 26, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 26, 2014 Just stopped by to read. Had some me time while doing laundry. I guess I've been a little depressed lately. Thank you for all who ask and think about me. I have turned all of the insurance over to the state of ILLINOIS now. No word yet I am going to meet with the private investigator in 2 weeks. Don't think any thing will come of it though. I have contacted the department of transportation safety organization but no one has returned my calls regarding speed limit enforcement for trains. So I am at a standstill or a crossroads. I think I'm afraid to give up because I don't know what that means. But I can't get any resolution. I pray that every one is getting peace and enjoying the holiday. Susan,Sitting in New Caney TX tonight. Waiting to deliver in the morning. I think that's pretty close to you. Then of to Temple for another drop and then to Fort Worth. My husband bought a motorcycle in Dallas so we will pick that up and head home to pick up my step son to go out with us for awhile. I considered staying home but I don't think I want to be around anyone and I'm scared to stay by myself for the first time in my life. Strange.Thanks to everyone for being here. Debbie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted May 26, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 26, 2014 Debbie, it is another bridge to cross, realizing that we are "alone" without our boys...definitely an area of struggle and stumbling...I do hope you have some resolution over the insurance. Wishing you peace and rest...HUGS. Susan, thanks for the song, yes, it sounds like something Jesse would have liked...here is the 1965 Ford he would drive...I kept it for now. And I just thought about this...it is a military truck. still has its military tags on the inside of the cab. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted May 26, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 26, 2014 Found this story on the Guideposts site...it was very inspirational to me. "Thousands were so touched by the story of Eric, a homeless man who offered to share what he thought were his lottery winnings, that they chipped in to fund a new home for him." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted May 26, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 26, 2014 To All, I am busy with grading and stuff, report cards you know, some great times with Baby-Girl and when I can, I will post some photos. Lyra is gorgeous Gretchen, and no, I think it is totally normal to skip the reunion. It has to be what feels right, since so little does you go with what does. Shannon, skipping things is okay, especially when you know that your emotions are far too high level right now, you find more stability at home then you stay home. Those that do not get it ???well that is their problem, not yours.Sherry, thinking of you and sending love.Carol, hoping Kim is feeling a lot better today.Col, glad you had a nice day yesterday. Deb, all we can do is what we do to stay as okay as possible. Eventually things find a new balance, you will find that too.Laurie, the road you are on is one so individualized you have to find your way through it, no wrong way as long as you are being good to yourself. Wade, you okay?Ted, hanging in?Sandy, what about you?Cherry, what does this day bring to you?Susan, I love that you give the new tenants the packet from Brenham and the history of the town, you are a good woman. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guests Guest Trista's_Mom Posted May 26, 2014 Guests Report Share Posted May 26, 2014 Just wanted to stop in and say good morning. I have survived the long weekend. My Sis and gramma sent me pictures of my cousins wedding. It looks like it was beautiful. She made it part of the ceremony to light candles for my Grampa and Tris. That really touched my heart. I'm glad I made the decision to stay home though. I know it was the right choice for me right now. I spent the weekend working outside. Trista's Garden is looking beautiful. There are lots and lots of buds on the spider lilies and oriental lilies. I planted some herbs in pots. I got a small green house so I'm hoping to keep some of my herbs growing through the winter and maybe a tomato plant and some flowers. Today I'm putting up a small chicken coop. Just big enough for two. It's something I've talked about for years. I need projects right now. It helps. Tris and I also planned to take an herbalism class together. It was her idea. She was really interested in the healing power of plants. I thought it would be so neat. I'm interested too and doing something like that together would have been such a great experience. We didn't get to do it together but I'm going to do it now, for her and know she'll be with me. I'm just trying to do whatever I can to keep my head above water right now. My projects turn into family projects so that's nice too. Last night I built a fire for the kids. We had Madi this weekend. All three kids made 's'mores and Madi and Aiden played with sparklers and glow sticks. It was nice but I missed my Girl so much. Madi and Aiden take me back sometimes to when Tris and Zak were that age. The age difference between them is the same. We had fires almost every night during the summer. Tris never made 's'mores. She didn't like her marshmallow, chocolate, and Graham crackers to touch so she ate them each separately. We played campfire games like 'telephone'... Trista's favorite and sang campfire songs. Tris loved 'The Song That Never Ends'. Zak is the only one that shares these memories. His Dad is gone and Tris is gone. Zak and I are the only ones left from that family. I was thinking of all these things last night and just missing Trista so much. I was looking at the sky. It was so clear and full of stars and I saw a shooting star. It reminded me that my Girl is always with me. I will see her again. No one else saw it. Madi asked what I wished for and I told her that my wish was to see lots of shooting stars this summer. Gretchen, Lyra is so cute! I love her name and the story of it is such a sweet thing. Trista's Angel Date is approaching and I'm sure that's a lot of what's putting me in this place I'm in. I am going to do a ballon release at her site that day... Just close friends and family. Tris believed very strongly in environmental issues. So, I found some paper based balloons that biodegrade very quickly called bio-doves. They are shaped like doves so I think that will be nice. Other than that I'm just going to see how the day goes. What you all do for Forest sounds so nice and since it's something that was an ongoing tradition it has a lot of meaning. I remember seeing the picture last year of Forest's site decorated with all the fireworks. Just thinking a lot of the past year. So much in one year and how I've changed and who I am becoming and I'm so thankful for all of you. This place and the support and compassion I've found has truly been my saving grace. I found you all just three weeks after losing my Tris and this site and all of you have been the one constant through it all. Even when I cannot post, I read daily. I think of you all throughout the day. Things 'remind' me of your Children who I feel I 'know' through you. I send extra prayers when needed and I know you all do that too and think of me and my Girl. I feel I've found an extended 'family' here without ever meeting face to face. I just wanted to say thank you. I know I've rambled today. Sorry. Just how my mind is right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted May 26, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 26, 2014 Dee....the beloved teachers here are in the phase of 'endless paperwork'....and we hear from some schools around Houston that they are in school today...due to some 'weather days'....what an uproar from the parents and communities....the school is out in Brenham...I think the school districts have 'promised' to figure something else out in the coming school year...and they should...and they can. I am skipping the Veteran's Memorial Service...too emotional for me now....and even before John David passed...it was an emotional event for me anyway....that Greatest Generation, for sure....and my Daddy...a part of it all.....Brenham does a good job of honoring the day....and they always have a Bar-B- Que luncheon (put on by the VFW) where you can visit and just have such a connection ....I always feel like I have done something for my Dad and his friends... one is a little hard to read...but I like the plane in the photo... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted May 26, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 26, 2014 Thanks Susan, we teachers are going to be HOT tomorrow in our rooms as it is hitting 89 right now and it will continue on tomorrow I think. Oh boy. I am glad that you paid good heed to yourself Susan, not going to the ceremonies when not up for it. I did go to our parade in town, just a few blocks away to cheer on students of mine who march. I only stayed a bit, it is muggy and crowded. I do so love our warriors and so hate the wars. We watched Monument Men last night, it was very good, about the soldiers who recovered the art that Hitler was trying to hide in the mines and castles in Germany. He stole it from the Jews and others and had planned a Fuher Museum. Sick Bastard. So it was a good movie to see this weekend. Praying for all of our soldiers in current wars and battles and all the way back to our earliest soldiers. May we find a better way. As we watched some shows about our veterans from WW2 and Korea, the tears and choked up retelling of stories from the war tells of us that the pain does not go away, it is assimilated in such a way to let them live in this day. A lesson for all those who ask: " are you getting over it?" And prayers for the victims and families and friends of the shooter in UofC Berkley on Friday night. The war that he had inside of his brain was huge and never to be won. A no-win. Sadness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted May 26, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 26, 2014 Dee....I guess I have grown into a 'self preservation' mode....and many on this site can have a learning phase in dealing with their grief....No....you don't have to show 'up' to make everyone happyNo....you don't have to 'pull yourself up by the bootstraps'No....you don't have to 'put on a face' to keep up social apprearances Yes...you do have to listen to your instinctsYes...your world and life HAS changedYes....you have to give yourself permission to heal at your own paceand no one else's Debbie....you were so very near me and Brenham...next time you are this near....please give me a heads up...if you have the time...I know that truckers have a time to pick up and unload....the door is always open... You say you are afraid that you will 'give up'.....I really don't see it that way at all.....you have to realize that when a person does everything that is possible...they left no stone unturned....they looked in every corner...'THAT THEY HAD THE RESOURCES' to shine a light on....they always come out winners...The losers are those that never try...It is like trying to fight Godzilla with a toothpick....but you still picked up the toothpick and went into the ring...(meaning the train conglomerate).. From what you have told me....I do believe the law enforcement did not carry out the best investigation...But who knows....and we never know when 'someone' will come around and tell what they saw...even a year or years from now...and the case can be re-opened....I see some stories on TV that sound like they are pure fiction...but true...and we wonder about the 'law' that is to protect the innocent....on and on....now...as far as that insurance policy....do not give up on having that investigated. You say you are scared to be alone....and that is strange....well....I think it is because you are so vulnerable now...we all have that 'thin skin of protection' around us....and we and you should do anything and everything that will protect you now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members daveydow1 Posted May 26, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 26, 2014 Yikes......I'm so behind on reading posts....can't catch up. Susan----Thanks for your kind words. I never thought I'd be here at BI all these years later,....but her I am. I think you are wise to not mentionJohn David to your new tenants when your emotions are so fragile,and of course there would be questions about the 'hows' and 'whys'....that we don't always feel up to talking about. As for school reunions.....I always skip my school reunions. Never really felt much of a connectionto most of the people.....back then, and certainly not now after all theseyears. I think the reunions are nice for those who really enjoy them......just not for me. Dee-----When will be the last day of school ? 89 degrees ! That would be sohot for you and your students in the classroom....even if they were a bit cooler.....still very hot. Shannon----So understandable that you didn't attend your cousin's wedding.....especially with dear Trista's Angel Day and birthday coming up soon. Yourcousin sounds like such a sweet girl.......she understands. Thinking ofyou and sending up prayers. PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS. Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members daveydow1 Posted May 26, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 26, 2014 Bleeding Hearts in angel garden. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted May 26, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 26, 2014 Laurie...thanks for posting that update....I remember watching the original video that went viral...and I thought....the message from the Bible....can be condensed into that one 'snap shot' of how we should live..and be to our fellow man..neighbor...and it came from a homeless man... another message that came to me was how important it is to simplify our lives...cutting away all the fluff...and keeping the sweet...sacred...simple... that truck does look like a 'Jesse' truck...it seems as if some of our children should have been born 'way before' their time...or...maybe they were.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted May 26, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 26, 2014 Sherry...that is a gorgeous plant....so suitable for a memory garden... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted May 26, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 26, 2014 Susan,Thank you for the invitation. I will take you up on that if we have time the next time we come through. I needed that reminder that it is ok to take care of myself. It's ok to do what I need to do instead of what I think others always want. I like the analogy of taking a toothpick to battle. I'm not done yet. I think there will come a time when the urgency lessens but I don't think I'll ever be finished looking for the answers as to what happened. Dee,I hope you stay cool. We just left Mississippi a couple of days ago. The humidity was horrible. I'm definitely a cold weather girl at heart. Sherry, The flowers are beautiful. Thank you for sharing. Laurie,Love Jesse David's pick up. Reminds me of four wheeling, back woods and nature. Thank t you for the concern and kind words. Shannon, Kate, Lora, Wade, Cherry, Becky, Colleen, Gretchen, Carol and everyone else.... thinking of you all. Feels good to be back. I have missed so much. Really missing Sam today. I wish I could feel his presence today. Love you Sam. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guests Guest Trista's_Mom Posted May 27, 2014 Guests Report Share Posted May 27, 2014 Sherry, I love bleeding hearts. My grams had them when I was a kid and I always thought they were so beautiful. I have some in my front flower beds. How beautiful and perfect for an Angel garden. Debbie, it's good to see your post. I know you've had so much to deal with. I think of you and Sam often. This is all so hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guests Guest Trista's_Mom Posted May 27, 2014 Guests Report Share Posted May 27, 2014 This is Greta. I've wanted a couple of chickens for awhile now. My husband found Greta on Craigslist with her hutch for really cheap. When he went to pick her up for me the man told him that his wife got four chickens because she thought it would be fun but lost interest and stopped feeding them. Greta is the only one who survived. That broke my heart. People amaze me sometimes. Tris would have been irate. Maybe she guided us to Greta. Aiden loves her. She's not too sure about us yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted May 27, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 27, 2014 Shannon, I love Greta. Animals can be such a comfort. I don't understand how people can be so cruel. Thanks for sharing. She is one lucky chicken. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted May 27, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 27, 2014 Shannon, that is one very pampered chicken. I have to say that I am such an animal lover. Once I name an animal the game is over. A pet for life. That is a really fancy house. I'd say she has a pretty darned nice home with you folks. Bleeding hearts are such a lovely remembrance of times past. I am really enjoying watching the comeback of many older plants and shrubs. Debbie...thanks for thinking of me. I am sorry that you are hitting a rough patch right now. You have always been so kind in supporting all of us. We are here for you. Susan, you have definitely been there for all of us to help us along this journey. Helping everyone through their ups and downs. Thank you...and sending warm wishes. Dee, I certainly hope that they have addressed the heat issue in your classroom. I remember you mentioning how hot it can become a few years back. It can be so difficult to concentrate under those conditions. I agree that we all need to stand up and take notice of past wars and make a concerted effort to not make the same mistakes. Becky...how are you? Laurie, thanks for sharing the video. Jeff was always an old soul. He related to the real man on the street. He saw the beauty of the human spirit which lies within us all. Sometimes you just have to go deep within to find it. And sometimes it is right out there in plain view for anyone open to seeing it. Sending huge "Hugs" to everyone tonight. Hang in there. I know it is tough... but you can do this. You are not going to get over this. You will learn to get on with it. And the most important thing to keep in mind is that you will hold your child close to your heart along this journey forever and ever. Love, Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MissKylie Posted May 27, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 27, 2014 This weekend ended great. We had team summer outing. It was fun and to be honest, it’s the first time I felt happy since Kylie changed world.. As I’d always deny myself to laugh and be merry. I wanted to mourn. But last weekend, maybe it’s the people around me and it’s contagious.Although, there were songs that has been played that I just choked my tears. “Love Story” by Taylor Swift is our “duet” and “Roar” by Katy Perry is our “song”. Then someone told me to sing “A thousand years” by Christina Perri. “A Thousand Years” is the song that I dedicate for Kylie when she’s still with me. It perfectly describes all my fears of loosing her and how I wanted so much to be with her. So I declined and we chose another song. We, Filipinos, love singing by the way, even if we don’t have a singer’s voice.If only Kylie has grown older, she’d probably be a party girl. One time, we attended a debut party and she really enjoyed dancing. It was past midnight and I had to pull her while she clings on the door. She was three years old at that time and I had to suppress laughing when I was telling her that it’s time for us to go home. And like anyone of us here, answering to the question “How many children you have?” is tough. I’d always pause for a while and mention Kylie and my son. Sending hugs to everyone. And thanks for letting me feel loved. It’s healing to be with you all. Thank you. Praying that our children will send us comfort and love from heaven. Kylie's Mommy- Mommy Cherry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members wgreenlee Posted May 27, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 27, 2014 I miss you so much, son...love Dad! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted May 27, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 27, 2014 Wade, a perfect song for this day, for your heart and ours. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted May 27, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 27, 2014 I have been given so much 'food for thought' from so many different people on this site...like little doors opening up to a new path to walk on... I have always loved being outside and working in the yard...but in the last few years...I have planted and cared for my yard..but most of my intentions were on the apartments...now they are really at what I would describe at being 100% successful....thankfully...they were at that place when I lost my John David....so all I have had to do is 'maintain' and work on a make-ready when a tenant moved out...I haven't put an ad in the paper in a few years...and I painted over the phone number on my sign years ago....and I recently got a new sign...with no phone number...very blessed in that regard. As many have done after losing their child...I have stripped away some things in my life so I could 'cocoon'...and like many...we go into a different phase...for we have 'changed'...and as Dee explained so well in one of her postings...'we change for we have to make room for the loss' That makes perfect sense..Some of us find that what served us in the past....no longer serves us..What we use to do....is no longer useful... We become searchers..Sky watchers..Earth diggers..Barefoot walkers. I do want to reach for the better....and not stop on the path that is bitter...but I do believe that it is absolutely normal to walk on the path of bitter for awhile....go ahead and throw yourself a huge Pity-Party.....we deserve that and we can have that bitter taste in our mouth. I think it is normal to look around and see your family gathered around and see that empty chair and have a pang of bitter. I think it is normal to see your child's friends walking and dancing into their future...and your child will not share that future....and have many pangs of bitter. Recently one of John David's friends sent me a photo of him and his little boy fishing at Port 'A'....(he became a Daddy for the first time at 39)...I had that bitter pang..John David would have been one of those super Dad's. I have known some bitter people...they are negative...morose..dark...unhappy. I am glad I know them...for they teach me how I never...ever want to be....even after losing a child. I think here lately I have been giving more thought on being more 'simple'....my Dad use to say...'Get it down to the lowest common denominator'.....now those words have more meaning to me than ever before... Maybe it is just easier to balance the grief burden when you get rid of the excess burden of useless stuff and people... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted May 27, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 27, 2014 Shannon...'Greta' has been adopted by a very loving family....a win/win for sure.....and Stardust Trista certainly brought her to where she will have a good home.... I think the herb garden and green house will be a loving project....you are standing in her light....I loved hearing about the night fire....the songs....keeping traditions...we all find that we still have to keep the 'family circle'....we have to keep the tried and true...we have to instill in our children the importance of keeping on...teaching them how to sustain and support each other even in crushing losses.... and you, Shannon, are doing a really good job of doing just that....even when your heart is shattered and tears and tears cannot wash away the grief.... you are teaching them by your example....one doesn't have to have 1,000 words....you cannot see the building blocks of strength you are teaching...you cannot see the life raft you are throwing them for them to hang on to when they have deep waters in their life....but they will remember...your strength is contagious...they will catch it for sure. The wedding was a testament to you and Trista and your family...besides being a celebration for two becoming one. I know you really wanted to be there...but you were wise to know and recognize your instinct to protect yourself. I listen to my instinct now...more than ever before....it is a friend to me. I heed it more. All are thinking of you and yours as the month of June comes near... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guests Guest Trista's_Mom Posted May 27, 2014 Guests Report Share Posted May 27, 2014 We become searchers..Sky watchers..Earth diggers..Barefoot walkers.Susan, These words really touched my heart today. I read and search and endlessly watch the sky. I take comfort in the plant life around me, the smell of the earth, the grass beneath bare feet. I've become a student of the universe... Broken down, on my knees and hungry for understanding and knowledge. Everything I thought I knew is now gone. The simple is now where I find the deepest meaning. I am finding a new understanding, a deeper truth, my truth. Slowly. It's something that can't really be explained. It's too personal, too universal, too simple and too complex to be put into words. But I hear the whispers of this in the writings here. The poems, the music. I no longer live in the concrete world. My world is much more abstract. Wade, I love Mumford and Sons... And this song... Thank you for sharing it. Cherry, I'm glad the weekend was good for you and you found some joy and fun. Kylie, is smiling, I'm sure because you know she wants to see you smile. Those songs being played and sung brought tears but also let you know your sweet Girl was right there being a part of it all through those memories. Kate, Thank you for your words of encouragement and hope. Learning about Jeff and the other Children helps me. I feel such a strength and loving energy in them. The 'Old Souls' and even in a short time taught so much and continue to through sharing their stories. Dee, I hope you and your kids stay as cool as possible today. Zak is so ready for school to be out. I want to say thank you for all you do here,for all of us. Your words bring strength and hope. This is a poem I found just a few days ago. I wrote it shortly after my husband, Terry died. I was in this place before and now I'm here again and searching even harder, looking even deeper. I never fully left that place before and now I think I will always live in that place in between. Sometimes I look at the sky at night,An indigo sea pulsing with lifeEach star the same, each one uniquePieces of you, pieces of meAnd it all makes senseSometimes I lay in the soft green grassSun warming my skin, the winds soft caressI close my eyes, I can feel you thereSoft warm kisses, fingers in my hairAnd it all makes senseThe wind and trees are singing a songIt exists only this moment, and then it’s goneA timeless melody, composed of dreamsThat can only be heard in this world in-betweenAnd it all makes senseSometimes I see the children smileand I see you, and I see meAnd I catch just a glimpse of what it all meansWe're the wind and the clouds and the stars and the treesWe’re here together, we’re sharing this dreamAnd it all makes senseToday it's cold. Today it’s grey.The sun won't shine and the music won't play.Today I'm lost and I don't understand.Nothing makes any senseToday the clouds are only clouds.The grass is dead beneath the snow.Today I don't know where you areor why you had to go.It just doesn't make any senseMaybe I'll wake to find the sunI'll feel you with me, the emptiness gone. I'll find again that feeling of oneAnd it will all make senseShannon Morris 2007 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted May 27, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 27, 2014 Shannon...thank you for sharing that amazing poem....I feel the love between you and Terry...you have not offered much about him...and am sure...all of us respect that...for we know you are so raw with grief from the passing of your girl...maybe you are somewhat like Laurie.... she found she was in a place of grief for Jesse David...but she realized 'she had not left' the place of grief for her infant son...she had not allowed herself to give in to grief when she lost him... Maybe we have to come to a level of maturity or focus or knowledge or self preservation...to realize that we allowed others to chart our course in dealing with the loss of a loved one...before...but not this time...we can be possessive of our grief...and grieve in our way...our time... WE will find our way... I guess we will drop something....or leave it on the path...or throw it away....or give it away...then we will develop another route...pick up a clue....create a new way of living...paint another color... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tobyfreefoot Posted May 27, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 27, 2014 thank you all for doing this for me and each other. lately i do feel like i am never coming out. i seem more weepy than ever. i think i'm just losing more of the protective layers and disbelief. i don't like it much but it feels a little more real than the wax mannequin state i've been in most of the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shorty16 Posted May 27, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 27, 2014 Kate,We had a bleeding heart plant, but my husband pulled it up thinking it was a weed.I am getting a new plant from a friend, and I am putting a sign on this plant "I am not a weed"Thanks for letting me share.Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shorty16 Posted May 27, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 27, 2014 Gretchen,It has been almost 6 years since Brian died and I am still in dis-belief.I totally get where you are. Each step is hard.Time does soften the edge of this grief, but grief will be with us forever.I have learned to give grief it's time. I have also learned to "put grief in a box and on the shelf". This enable me to interact like a normal human. Does not work all the time, but enough to keep it in my "bag of tricks" for getting through another day without Brian.I learned so much from the people here and I hope to share the skills I have learned.Love to all my friendsColleen, Brian's Mom 4ever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shorty16 Posted May 27, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 27, 2014 Cherry,The question "how many kids do you have?" Was a difficult question to deal with in the beginning.I learned that I have a lot for control of the situation than I realized. If I am never going to see this person again, I reply " 3 kids, they are all over 20". If I choose to include this person in my life, I will state my 2 surviving kids names and age, and then tell them about Brian who is an angel in heaven and forever 16.I learned this from a book I read.This works most of the time, Colleen Brian's Mom forever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tobyfreefoot Posted May 28, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 28, 2014 i thought i would post this because i know sometimes people are looking for ideas to honor their children and this could possibly spark an idea for someone. colleen thanks for your thoughts it helps a lot to know someone else further down the path has the same kind of experience. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guests Guest Trista's_Mom Posted May 28, 2014 Guests Report Share Posted May 28, 2014 Colleen,I really like what you wrote about the question of how many kids. The 'need to know' approach I think is a good way. I will always say I have three kids but how and if I go any further than that will depend on the person I'm talking to and the situation. Susan, It was really different when my husband died. I had no one who'd lost a spouse except my Grams. My Grampa and my husband, both of the strong men in my life, passed within four months. The grief between his Mom and I was so different. I had young kids to think of. I tried a couple of times to talk with friends but my friends were as young as I was. They would avert their eyes, change the subject. So I got the idea that I was just supposed to move on. And I did. I rented out our home in Ohio and moved into a renovated barn in Bethlehem, PA. I lived with (separate barn apartments) a yoga teacher and her partner who was a spiritual counselor. They taught the kids and I a lot. It was a peaceful, healing place. It was where I first learned about energy healing. Eventually though, I missed my family. The kids missed home. So, we went back and I moved on. Met my husband, remarried, started a business, had a baby. I realize though that you can't run from the grieving process. Grief will wait. Sometimes so quietly that you might forget it's there. But it is. Gretchen, That is a really neat idea. Could be turned into a flower bed or something later as the little one grows. I also love the posting earlier. It was in a email someone sent me about PTSD so I'd seen it before. I think we all need a nest sometimes and someone just to 'sit' with us. I know I do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Guest Posted May 28, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 28, 2014 . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted May 28, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 28, 2014 I have lost all sense of time since Jeff died. In many ways I feel as if I have been locked in some kind of time warp. This evening I was thinking that it has been four and a half years since he died. Four and a half years! How is that possible? It is coming up to three years since my MIL died. Where did the time go? A year and half since my husband was diagnosed with cancer. Four and a half very full years. In many ways it seems as if it was just last month. I still go about my daily routine but I still can't believe I have not seen him for that long. Part of me won't allow myself to focus on that. I think that you have the right idea Lora. Keeping as busy as possible does help. Tomorrow I hope to follow in your steps. You must be beat tonight after a long and busy day. But it is a good form of tired. Today I planned the flowers that I will plant in the gardens at his site. The weather has been lovely and I look forward to walking into the area and sitting on the bench. Cherry and Wade...it is so good to see you both experiencing better days. it comes slowly at first but it does begin to change. Colleen, you can back me on that. Wishing you all a good sleep tonight. Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members wgreenlee Posted May 28, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 28, 2014 Cherry…What a wonderful day you had…that put a big smile on my face. Two of my teacher friends are just coming home from teaching at an international school north of Manila. Can’t remember the name. We’re going to have a little party for them. They’re just visiting before heading back. Hopefully they have lots of pictures. Dee…Shauna and I listened to so much music on our little trip. So many bands I hadn’t ever heard that really “spoke” to me. Didn’t realize Brooks liked all that other music. Tried so hard to keep everything in check so Shauna and I could enjoy this little “remembrance” trip that it all came out last night. I started to use Pandora on Brooks’ phone…still haven’t turned it off…think I’ll just use his…better than mine anyway. He had all these channels that he had been listening too so that was a nice surprise. Susan…I think I really needed to hear what you said…I know it’s ok to just let the grieving process work, but this month has really taken a whack at me…I want to rejoice in life and the time we spent as a family…and the many friends I have…Brooks’ has…Renea has…that don’t truly understand what we are going through, but yet, are patient and supportive in a way that will eventually get me to place where I can think again and find that joy I had before. It will come… I do find myself becoming more “possessive of my grief,” because I just don’t want to cause others that same pain…probably not healthy…but it is what it is. I think that’s the “manly” thing coming out. I don’t really believe that time heals all wounds, but it would be nice if time made them easier to deal with…not happening yet. Shannon…I read your poem over and over…it was so beautifully written and said everything I think about every day. I haven’t been coming here as often as I should lately…seems like I don’t have a lot of “good” stuff to say…but I see again how we are all connected and that the sharing is a gift we provide each other in those dark times that help lift us up and into the light. You did that tonight for me. Thank you! I know your day of remembrance for Trista and her birthday will be hard, but your love and devotion show through every time I read your posts. I know I mentioned this before, but if you want me to make some special dogtags that you can give to everyone let me know. Might be a neat way for her friends to carry something special as a tribute to what a truly wonderful girl Trista was. As I listened to the music from Mumford and Sons, and others like them, I thought that this might be the kind of music Trista listened to…Cara too… Gretchen…“thank you all for doing this for me and each other.” I don’t think that can be said enough. I am constantly reminded that those on this site are the lifeline that I cling to daily. And your picture says it all. I can't wait for school to be done so I can "cocoon" for just a little while before heading up to Alaska. I don't think I've done that since Brooks died...probably should have earlier. Colleen…I had to look up “bleeding heart” plants and they are so cool. Not to make fun of your husband, but he must have browner thumb than me. They sure don’t look like weeds, although in his defense, I imagine they hadn’t bloomed yet. “I have also learned to "put grief in a box and on the shelf". This enable me to interact like a normal human. Does not work all the time, but enough to keep it in my "bag of tricks" for getting through another day without Brian.” I know I need to do this. I so want to be able to do this… Lora…Busy is good, that’s for sure. Sounds like you got a week’s worth of work done. Like I said to Shannon…on my trip I kept thinking of Trista and Cara listening to this type of music. Seemed like they would both like it. There was always a “longing” in the songs I heard…something I can’t describe that hit me later when I visited Brooks. Played it today with him today too…was easier…more peaceful. Carol...Thanks for the wonderful idea of the scoreboard tribute...wasn't Boston...but still pretty cool. I want you to know I thought of Jeff when it came on the screen. _____________ Picture of scoreboard from Brooks' birthday. This made me smile...sent by one of Brooks' teachers on FB for his birthday. "I hope I see you again Brooks...here, there, or in the air we will meet again my friend. Happy Birthday former student of mine." Shauna and I went to a Giants game in San Francisco this last weekend. Brooks and Shauna went to a lot of Giants game and they were there this same time last year. Shauna did this for my birthday as a surprise, although she wasn't very good at the surprise part... We stayed at The Phoenix in downtown San Fran. Pretty cool place. At first they asked if she wanted a king bed and she explained that she needed two beds and then got into why she was coming there. The people were so great at this place. They made a beautiful candle with a picture of Shauna and Brooks that was sitting on a table in our room and wrote a nice note. There are good people in this world... If you ever get to San Fran downtown you need to eat at Tommy's Joynt and/or Brenda's. Wonderful food and very cozy...not much room so it's like you're with a large family during a holiday. Had a bittersweet time, but I know it was good for Shauna. I'll post the pictures as soon as I get them off Brooks' phone. Looked at more of Brooks' phone and found all sorts of recordings and notes and stuff. Again, bittersweet, but more memories for me. I am only going to listen to them just once in a while so I don't use them up... Listened to a song recording today...he was so doggone talented...and he did all of this himself. There's a producer guy who wants to take his songs and see what he can do with them, but I'm a little reluctant right now. Don't really want anything to happen to them until I get them recorded on my computer, but I also don't want to listen to them all at once either. We'll see... Memorial Day picture entering the cemetery. Love to all! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted May 28, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 28, 2014 So much to read and comment upon, but in a hurry. Shannon, that poem speaks to that deeply felt longing, that total breakage of heart. Thank you for sharing that with us, it is beautiful. And in our grief we can create... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted May 28, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 28, 2014 Shannon, Thank you for sharing your beautiful prom and more about your life. I can't imagine what that must have been like to just have your world turned upside down again. I really like that we get to know other aspects of each other's lives here. Lora and Kate, I too find that it helps me to stay busy. Sometimes I think I try too hard to occupy my mind as it comes back so hard when I let it in. But I don't know if I could handle it any other way. Colleen,I really like what you shared about what to say when someone asks how many children you have. I have caught myself saying 5 instead of 6. Then feeling so guilty afterward. I just say 6 now and quickly change the subject, usually to the grandchildren. It is still very uncomfortable. I don't usually talk to anyone about it who doesn't already know.Cherry,So glad you found some happiness and peace. Wade, How wonderful that Shauna found such a great way to celebrate your birthday and honor Brooks. I have such a fear that Sam's friend's will not keep his memory alive. I am not sure what that is based on because that had not been the case.Laurie, Susan, Dee, Ted and everyone else thinking of all today. Wondering about Wanda and Becky. I might have missed something, I got so behind. I have more but I have work to do. I'll try to get back later. Debbie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted May 28, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 28, 2014 X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted May 28, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 28, 2014 I really need my friends here. I need to vent. Not sure if I mean it or not. But here goes. I don't want to be with my husband any more. He has done some really mean things since Sam died and try as hard as I can, I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him. When he told me Sam's ashes weren't really the ones in my box. I was devastated. I made the mistake of talking to my mother and now she doesn't really like Jack. She tolerates him but everything changed. So I quickly learned not to tell family. There have been so many other comments, some I have shared here. Some I have not. You know I have Never been a victim. It's just not me. But I am terrified to make another change. I feel like I am on the edge. For the b most part I function well. Every two our three weeks it's like this amazing pressure builds and I have a crying meltdown. Saturday was the latest. I was told that I enjoy feeling bad and I need to come to grips. See I know better. I know what's wrong with me. I am a grieving mother who has lost a piece of her heart and soul. I just don't understand why I have to fight everyone and go up hill all the way. I really don't want to be a victim to this but I don't know what else to do. Maybe I just need to get this of my chest. My step son just got on the truck. My husband has suspected that he has been experimenting with marijuana so he lied to him and told him he had to do a drug test to go over the road. For some reason I am furious that he lied to him. I don't play poker well. Guess I could use some prayers and positive energy. Hope everyone is doing ok. Staying cool. Thanks for letting me vent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted May 28, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 28, 2014 I really need my friends here. I need to vent. Not sure if I mean it or not. But here goes. I don't want to be with my husband any more. He has done some really mean things since Sam died and try as hard as I can, I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him. When he told me Sam's ashes weren't really the ones in my box. I was devastated. I made the mistake of talking to my mother and now she doesn't really like Jack. She tolerates him but everything changed. So I quickly learned not to tell family. There have been so many other comments, some I have shared here. Some I have not. You know I have Never been a victim. It's just not me. But I am terrified to make another change. I feel like I am on the edge. For the b most part I function well. Every two our three weeks it's like this amazing pressure builds and I have a crying meltdown. Saturday was the latest. I was told that I enjoy feeling bad and I need to come to grips. See I know better. I know what's wrong with me. I am a grieving mother who has lost a piece of her heart and soul. I just don't understand why I have to fight everyone and go up hill all the way. I really don't want to be a victim to this but I don't know what else to do. Maybe I just need to get this of my chest. My step son just got on the truck. My husband has suspected that he has been experimenting with marijuana so he lied to him and told him he had to do a drug test to go over the road. For some reason I am furious that he lied to him. I don't play poker well. Guess I could use some prayers and positive energy. Hope everyone is doing ok. Staying cool. Thanks for letting me vent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted May 28, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 28, 2014 I really need my friends here. I need to vent. Not sure if I mean it or not. But here goes. I don't want to be with my husband any more. He has done some really mean things since Sam died and try as hard as I can, I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him. When he told me Sam's ashes weren't really the ones in my box. I was devastated. I made the mistake of talking to my mother and now she doesn't really like Jack. She tolerates him but everything changed. So I quickly learned not to tell family. There have been so many other comments, some I have shared here. Some I have not. You know I have Never been a victim. It's just not me. But I am terrified to make another change. I feel like I am on the edge. For the b most part I function well. Every two our three weeks it's like this amazing pressure builds and I have a crying meltdown. Saturday was the latest. I was told that I enjoy feeling bad and I need to come to grips. See I know better. I know what's wrong with me. I am a grieving mother who has lost a piece of her heart and soul. I just don't understand why I have to fight everyone and go up hill all the way. I really don't want to be a victim to this but I don't know what else to do. Maybe I just need to get this of my chest. My step son just got on the truck. My husband has suspected that he has been experimenting with marijuana so he lied to him and told him he had to do a drug test to go over the road. For some reason I am furious that he lied to him. I don't play poker well. Guess I could use some prayers and positive energy. Hope everyone is doing ok. Staying cool. Thanks for letting me vent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted May 28, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 28, 2014 Sorry. Don't know how I posted this multiple times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tobyfreefoot Posted May 28, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 28, 2014 a couple songs i just discovered recently . . . Uploaded on Jul 28, 2008 BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN-YOU'RE MISSING-LIVE IN BARCELONA(2003) Shirts in the closet, shoes in the hallMama's in the kitchen, baby and allEverything is everythingEverything is everythingBut you're missing Coffee cups on the counter, jackets on the chairPapers on the doorstep, but you're not thereEverything is everythingEverything is everythingBut you're missing Pictures on the nightstand, TV's on in the denYour house is waiting, your house is waitingFor you to walk in, for you to walk inBut you're missing, when I shut out the lightsYou're missing, when I close my eyesYou're missing, when I see the sun riseYou're missing Children are asking if it's alrightWill you be in our arms tonight?Morning is morning, the evening falls I gotToo much room in my bed, to many phone callsHow's everything, everything?Everything, everythingYou're missing, you're missingGod's drifting in heaven, devil's in the mailboxI got dust on my shoes, nothing but teardrops Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted May 28, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 28, 2014 Sorry, for some reason, I keep getting error messages on this site the last couple of days and I keep posting things over and over. Not sure how. Maybe I am crazy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted May 28, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 28, 2014 Debbie...I too, had a good sob party on Saturday....I was alone...Daniel had gone to see some old high school buddies...and I need that....and no....not because I WANT to feel bad....I am just shattered....there is a difference... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted May 28, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 28, 2014 Thank you for sharing that Susan. I feel stronger now because I don't believe what he says. I know better. Thanks to my friends here who tell me I'm not crazy. I am just trying to hold on. Max admitted that he smoked weed. My husband us telling him all the funny things he used to do when he was high and his age, I4. I am really having a problem with this discussion. I think I will get some new movies and music so I can wear my headphones. I am praying that I can control my anxiety Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shorty16 Posted May 28, 2014 Members Report Share Posted May 28, 2014 WadeI am rolling on the floor in laughter. "I am not a weed" picture is priceless.Our bleeding heart was not that big, because each year he thinks it is a weed. Too funny. This time he took roots and all.I am going to laminate that sign and post a picture. Should have it done in a couple weeks.Thanks, Wade. I have not laughed that hard in a long time.Colleen, Brian's Mom 4 ever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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