Loss of an Adult Child

[shorty16]

Hello my friends,

Sailor mom,

Sorry you find yourself here, but we are a group of parents surviving the un-survivable.

My 16 year old son, Brian died in a car crash. That was almost 6 years ago.

This site saved me. The people here gave me hope to believe my family could smile again. My family is smiling and sometimes laughing. We learned many life skills on this site.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Ted,

Glad you finished Nicks bike. That was a huge effort..both emotionally and physically. Please remember, Nick will be riding with you...always.

Love to all my friends,

Brian's 6th angelversary is approaching and you would think I would be able to handle it...but no...the sadness drags me to the edge of the pit. I come here to try and pull myself up.

We have nothing planned and we might even work that day. June 19 2014 is on a Thursday....the same day he died 6 years ago (leap year shortened this cycle).

I know my friends will be here for me.

Love to you all

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4 ever

[ericasmom]

Ted, so good to see you and like Colleen said, Nick will be riding along with you, smiling at his Dad to take this project on. Good for you.

 

Cherry it is so good to see you reach out to new folks here. It is the way we really feel some healing when we can do that.

 

Col, yep, we will be near you, holding your hand as you face the 6th anniversary.

 

Susan, love what you wrote about no human hands to mend...too broken to live again on Earth. That was my Girl, too broken to live here.

[Sailormom]

Thank you all for the welcome, 

So sorry that we have to be here under these conditions. 

 

Ted, Hopefully building the bike was a good healing project for you.    My son had ordered computer parts 3 days before he died, we kept finding them on him apartment doorstep after he died when we went to check on things.   My husband just finished building Brian's super computer that he ha

d ordered parts for.   He was a big gamer and this was his dream computer,  one of his co-workers had said that was all he had talked about for the past week before he died.  

[Mermaid Tears]

Yes Dee....I am always going 'back' to your story of the light in the car....the two young men that were at the scene...and their lives were forever changed because of the 'light'....

your girl was so broken..

my boy was so sick...

a time when 'Mama could not kiss' the hurt and make it go away....

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I want to say a deep heartfelt THANK YOU to everyone for thinking of me and my family and remembering my Trista on the first. Her Angel Day was so emotional but family and friends coming together helped make it a day of remembrance. We did the balloon release at her site. The doves were beautiful. I felt my Girl with us throughout the day.
 
Wade, Thank you for video. It was beautiful and the music was perfect. I had also made a video the night before and we watched both over and over. I posted the video and the pictures that were made by Susan, Lora, and Laurie to Trista's facebook page.
 
Early that morning my Gramma and I sat on my deck and watched the video together. As we were watching and dragonfly came down and landed right beside us and stayed through the rest of the video. While we were doing the balloon release we were visited by numerous butterflies and dragonflies and as the Girls were reading the poems they had written one flew all around them... a black and yellow swallowtail.
 
Yesterday was a quiet day for me. I spent a lot of time alone just thinking and honoring Trista. I needed that after the emotion of the day before.  
 
I have a lot of reading to do to catch up. Thank you all so much for being here and for your sweet words on Trista's Angel Day.


At Trista's site







Child of the Sun

There is about her, fold on shining fold,

A radiance, an aureole of gold.

Yellow is soft upon her cowslip hair.

A warm ray finds her mouth and lingers there.

In a bright spreading pool of light she stands

Holding the overflow in small cupped hands!

This sun will never set, for some will stay

Forevermore in an unending day.

It will go on and on; it will be part

Of growth of mind, of spirit, and of heart.

To one who has known time so sweetly light

How could it ever be completely night?

~Geraldine Ross~

The letter I read at the balloon release. I had written it to Trista a few months ago.

Dear Trista,

Time doesn’t mean much anymore. I wonder if it’s a shared experience between our souls. They say time as we understand it doesn’t exist in heaven and I definitely don’t understand time anymore.

A day can last a million years but yet it seems just yesterday I was dancing with you in the kitchen and you were laughing.

It seems just yesterday, you jumped on my back for a piggy back ride because it wasn’t fair that only Aiden gets them and we both ended up on the ground laughing.

It seems just yesterday you were born and my whole world changed. I knew absolute, true, unconditional love for the very first time in my life.

I miss you. I miss you with my whole heart and soul. I miss everything about you. My sweet, sweet daughter… My best friend.

I miss your smile, your laugh, and the smell of your hair when you would crawl up into my lap after I rocked Aiden to sleep and say it was your turn. You never outgrew being my baby girl.

I miss our fights. We both have so much passion when we know we are right. They would always end with a hug and kiss though because I could never stay mad at you long or you me. We lived by the rule “Never go to bed angry”.

I miss coming into your room before I go to bed and snuggling.

I miss trying going to the store for one thing for me and coming home with ten things for you instead.

I miss our lunches out. I remember when we went to William’s and I ordered mussels. You thought it was the grossest thing you had ever seen. I made you try one and then I had to fight you for them. You always ordered them after that.

I miss watching you with your little brother and seeing so much love that my heart just felt so full. I miss listening to you fight with your other brother knowing that I did the same with my brother and sister and that someday the two of you would be best friends.

I still feel you and I know that you are close. I’m so thankful for all the ways you let me know you’re with me. I know you are better than okay and you are so full of love. When I feel you so very close I can feel that love and as your Mom I wonder at your new world. I would never hold you back in this one and I don’t want to hold you back now. I know our time together isn’t over. It’s just changed for now. I know we’ve been together for at least a million years and we will be together for at least a million more. But I won’t pretend I’m okay with that. I just want you back. I’m only human and I miss you.

Love,

Your Mom Forever

[Ladyofone]

Hi Everyone,

I lost my son Andrew on Jan 29th 2014. He was 27 years old. He died of an overdose in a motel bathroom alone. I have been in the pit of Hell for the past 4 months as I'm sure you can all relate. I have been suicidal from the very beginning. I cannot fathom how people live through this without at least contemplating suicide not to die but to end the pain. My son had a long history of addiction, he started using around the age of 14 we think, maybe sooner. Andrew was brillant, but he struggled with low self esteem and feeling overwhelmed by the cruelty of people and the world in general. It was like he never really could settle in and find peace within himself or this earthly plane. I believe maybe his addiction started as peer pressure and a way to stand out in his crowd, but then it became a need and then an addiction. He joined the Army 3 months after he turned 18, was home on leave one weekend and met a girl that he married 6 months later, they had a child together right away. He was in a big hurry to do many things, and he wanted to be successful and a family man, but he could never get completely away from drugs. After being in the Army for almost 3 years he had a dirty urine screen and was offered either a demotion or to get out of the Army with a general discharge. He opted for the discharge. After being out for a few weeks he began to be very very depressed and I believe he was overwhelmed with the repsonsibiities of having a wife and two kids and no job, so he did what he knew best, he tried to numb himself. Drug addicts have a very scewed way of looking at life, Andrew got to the point where he just got tired of dealing, eventually he just gave up. He did some stupid things that landed him in prison for 2 years, he never hurt anybody, he just was at the wrong place at the wrong time. When he was in prison was the first time I could relax and not worry about him so much because I knew he couldn't do drugs (not hard drugs anyway). He looked so healthy and almost happy when we would visit him. I remember how he would be embarrassed when we would come to visit because he knew it hurt me to see him in that place, he so very much wanted me to be proud of him. While he was in prison his wife divorced him which nearly destroyed him but he eventually got over it but he just went further into that hole inside himself. All the years of worrying what was going to happen and even discussing the possible ultimate price he may have to pay for his addiction, he never admitted to me or anyone else he had a problem. He would always lie and tell me he was clean and that he was doing good, because he didn't want me to worry. He went through drug court and Pathways recovery when he 16 and 17 years old before the Army. When he joined the Army that was the end of our being involved with his life in any meaningful way. He was distant and very secretive about most things. I feel like I was always chasing after Andrew to either subdue his rebellion (when he was young) or to protect him from himself. Many of you who have had adult children who were addicts know exactly what I am saying. The complexity of dealing with addiction is hard to put into words as there are some who overcome it and go on to lead normal lives but for the majority it is a lifelong battle. My heart is broken beyond repair and I feel like dying would be a blessing. I am so tired, and weary. My other son is 34 and a recovering alchohlic, he is barely been sober for about 9 months, the fact that he has gone through this without drinking is a miracle. They were very very close. There are so many books out there on the Afterlife and making contact that that has become my daily life. I read constantly about the afterlife and what happens when we die and where the deceased live and what they do...that has helped me more than anything else. I think I just want a connection to him and have even been to see a medium with my older son. This desire never leaves me not for one second. I just want to have some kind of contact, or connection that will give me reassurance he is okay. I have had some experiences but my engineer brain always doubts and tries to scoff it off as my imagination. We went to grief share which is an organization for helping people cope with grief...when one of the leaders answered one ladies question about making contact or receiving messages I never went back. He told her the reason she wasn't receivng messages was because the wages of sin is death and that the dead are asleep and can't hear us. That kind of sent me into a wave of despair that I still haven't recovered from. I want so desperately to look at Andrews pictures, (he was so handsome) but I fall apart when I accidentally see one, it feels like a million knives are stabbing me in the heart. Has anyone else experienced this? I feel so guilty that I can't look at his pictures or read his letters or anything. Will I ever be able to I wonder? How can a mother not want to look at her childs' pictures, I ask myself? What is wrong with me? I don't want to put him away like that, my mother did that when both of my sisters died from cystic fibrosis and I always thought that was so cold, but now I guess I understand. Thanks for letting me ramble. I haven't been on any other online grief groups. Hope to make some friends here.

[Mermaid Tears]

Ladyofone.....we feel honored that you have shared that SONshine boy of yours with us....and we do share your deep sorrow.....I can feel your tears come through the screen with your story....

   I am short on time now...but when I return I will send you a message....you have come to the right place....

I am not surrounded by people that have lost a child....and I felt like my human boat was going down...down...down....I found this site by 'accident'....for I was looking something else up on the internet....and I was 'guided' here.....the people here threw me a life raft....by reaching out to me....and letting me know....I wasn't crazy....I was just mourning....

[Sailormom]

Lady of one: 

My son went about 3 weeks after yours so hopefully we can help each other thru this.  My oldest son is an alcoholic also and admitted himself into a long term rehab yesterday, I   But we cannot give up on life we have to muddle through and get to a better place mentally at some point.  We have to keep their memories alive by staying alive.

You are blessed though that you have a grandchild you can see him in.  I would give anything if my Brian would have a child somewhere that I could hold and love and look at to see what quirks that they inherited.

 

Maybe at some point you can look at pictures, but if it makes you feel better put them away for now.  I sit and look at pics and cry,  but  some pics of him have popped up on my facebook newsfeed and it makes me feel good that others miss him too.   I regret not having a recent family picture of us.  Last  picture of all of us together was 7 years ago cause we never could get everyone together at the same time.  

 

Just breathe, we can get through this.

\

 

[Ladyofone]

SailorMom, Thank you for replying. I wish I could see my grandchildren, since the divorce (his ex) she has turned her back on us. She wont' let us see the kids, and even I have threatened to take her to court for grandparent rights to visitation I know she would win, because Alabama courts support the parents and grandparents wishes have very little clout. I am sorry for your loss, I read your post and I know exactly how you feel. I am having a very difficult day. I feel like my heart cannot take the deep unending agony of facing the truth every day. It is a gradual thing for me, I feel like most days I am still in shock and denial. I dread time stretching out, knowing I will never have his physical presence in my life again, it just seems too big and asking too much. I pray to die every day, I just want to escape this pain.

[Steve s mom]

When Great Trees Fall (Maya Angelou)

 

When great trees fall,rocks on distant hills shudder.

Lions hunker down in tall grasses.and even elephants lumber after safety.

 

When great trees fall in forests,small things recoil into silence, their senses eroded beyond fear.

 

When great souls die ,

the air around us becomes light,rare,sterile.We Breathe briefly.

our eyes briefly see with a hurtful clarity.Our memory suddenly sharpened, examines,gnaws on kind words unsaid;promised walks never taken.

 

Great souls die and our reality,bound to them takes leave of us.

Our souls dependant upon their nuture,now shrink,wizened.

 

Our minds formed and informed by their radiance,Fall away

 

We are not so much maddened

as reduced to the utterable ignorance,of dark cold caves

 

And when great souls die,after a period ,peace blooms

slowly, and always irregularly

 

 

Spaces fill with a kind of soothing electric vibration.

Our senses never restored,never to be the same,whisper to us

 

They existed,they existed

We can be

and be better .For they existed.

 

 

[wgreenlee]

Listened to this at Brooks' site this morning...

 

"Take this sinking boat and point it home...we've still got time..."

 

That is my hope and prayer for all here...new family to help on this journey...tie your rope onto us and we will help you get home.

 

 

Barbara...

I am so sorry for the loss of your boy, Andrew...  You have found a "family" that understands your pain, and will be by your side...  There is hope here...I want you to know that.  I didn't think so, and sometimes I forget in the midst of my own pain, but it is "here," nonetheless.  I recently found dozens of songs my son recorded on his phone, and although I am hesitant to listen to them, I have listened to a few over the last week.  It is what we did all the time...  It reminds me of all the precious memories I have and will continue to have for the rest of my life.  I understand your reluctance in not wanting to see the photos of Andrew...I too still have trouble with that...but I share him here and it becomes ok.  I will share one of my favorite photos of Brooks, and hope that you can share Andrew with me.  It is ok if you don't want to now...it is ok to grieve in your way.  This is a safe place where we will cry...rant...and eventually laugh and smile with you.  That is the "hope" I give you now.

 

 

Ted...

A work of love on the bike.  I hope those sand dunes are ready  You can be sure that Nick will right there knowing the love you have for him and the new memories you create in his honor.

 

Colleen...

We will be right here for you on Brian's Angelversary.

 

Shannon...

A letter and video from mom to daughter...your love shines brighter than the sun and is a reminder that our children may be gone, but their love and memories will never fade from our hearts...ever.  I saw new photos of your "beautiful girl" and they were precious.  Thank you!

 

Sailormom...

Hoping we can provide some comfort in your journey, as you already are in our's.  Thank you!

 

Love to all

[shorty16]

Lady of one,

I can honestly tell you, I too thought of dying. I could not live with. This pin. But the thought of causing additional pain to my family was not acceptable to me.

I think, that your feelings are normal at this stage.

It is almost 6 years for us since Brian died in a car crash. So hard to believe I have lived this long without him.

We will hold your hand as you walk this path.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Shannon, the pictures of Trista's remembrance cememony were beautiful...the doves were perfect...the poem you posted so suits your Trista, I pray that you have a restful few days, events like these are so taxing...yet so needed at the same time. I remember the image you made for Jesse, it touched me so deeply...

 

Mary Ann, thank you for sharing the poem for Steve... this line stood out to me: "

When great souls die, the air around us becomes light,rare,sterile. We Breathe briefly.

our eyes briefly see with a hurtful clarity.Our memory suddenly sharpened, examines, gnaws on kind words unsaid;promised walks never taken."

 

Especially the promised walks never taken....I can't even write about that...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

SailorMom I am so sorry for the loss of your son...I think to often those who go into the military come out with wounds to their inner being, and there is not adequate services to help them...please share as you are able. Thank you for telling us about your experience you had after your son had passed. I am glad that on this site we have been able to share some of the more spiritual aspects of our loved one's passing...this has been a healing place...

 

I have shared this before but here is a link to Carol Kearn's website, she was a grief counselor who trained under Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. She had lost a young daughter and through the years of as a grief counselor she has heard many stories of after death communications and such

 

http://www.carolkearns.com/kristens-legacy/ch_believe.html

 

LadyofOne,

 

I have found this "place" to be very healing, please come and share your son with us...there are some that post who have been here a long time, helping us newer people, for that I am grateful. Addiction is so destruction, I have seen the consequences in my extended family...

 

*****************

 

I am a bit behind in posting, but I want you all to know that your posts are read, thank you for all being here...

[daveydow1]

Barbara----I am sorry for your loss of your dear son.  This type of site

is the place no one ever wants to be a part of, but if fate puts us in

that position, this site is a good one to come to and read/post as you

feel you want to. There are no requirements as to how frequent or

how seldom one  posts. Sometimes we just read.  Everyone goes along at their own pace

as they can.  The pain of losing a beloved child is the most devastating

event in a parent's life. The pain is always there, but it does soften in

time. It helps to just come to BI (formerly called Beyond Indigo), and

share whatever you may want to share.  The grief can be lightened

some by being with those who know, firsthand, the pain, sorrow,

and longing that goes with losing a child. I've been here for 11 yrs.

now.......losing my 6 mo. old baby girl, Lisa, years ago, ...and my

son died in a wreck in 2003.  Many of us have found this site to be

a lifeline. I hope that you will stay with us here at BI.  Peace to you.

 

Shannon-----Lovely butterflies and dragonflies all around.....Trista Mae

surely had her little hand in that....sending love.  Thinking of you today, and sending prayers.

 

 

Laurie----

Thanks for your words. They encourage new parents here

at BI, and to we who have been here for quite awhile. That's what is

good about this site......everyone's input is valued and appreciated.

 

 

Wade----

Thanks for the song.....very nice.

 

PEACE    AND    TRANQUILITY   TO   ALL  INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Found this song, We will be Together Again...very touching...

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie...thank you for that song...

[Mermaid Tears]

Wade...that song is so profound...thanks for sharing...

[SamDsmom]

Cherry,

I saw this picture and it made me think of you and your precious little Kylie. Hope you are doing well.

I haven't had a chance to be here for a couple of days. I'm going to catch up on my reading and be back later.

Hope everyone is finding peace tonight.

Debbie

[Mermaid Tears]

Wow Debbie...that is an Amazing statue....makes your breath go straight to your feet...am sure Cherry will relate in a deep way....and many on this site that has lost that 'young child'.....thanks for sharing...

[Guest]

.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Ladyofone, I’m so sorry for the loss of your Son, Andrew. I also read a lot and have been to see a medium.

And Sailormom, I’m sorry for the loss of your precious Son, too. I was really touched to read how you heard the windchimes and your husband saw your Son. I have a Garden for my Trista. It sits just below my bedroom window and there are windchimes there. I hear them some nights even when the wind is still and it brings me comfort.

I’ve read both of your stories and my heart goes out to you both. I’m short on time right now but would like to say that you have found a good place here. While circumstances are unique from person to person, as unique as our Children, we all know the pain of losing a Child. Our pain is as intense as our love. I’ve never dealt with addiction from the perspective of a parent however I have people very close to me who struggle with this and so through them and my desire to understand I have learned a lot. Please share more about your precious Children with us as you’re ready and read as much as you need.

Colleen,
Holding you in my heart and prayers as Brian’s Angel Day draws near. We have dates close together. Trista’s Birthday is the 21st. I know the couple of weeks before Trista’s Angel Day my anxiety just increased each day. I’m keeping you and Brian in my thoughts.

Maryann,
Thank you for sharing that poem. Beautiful.
“They existed, they existed

We can be

and be better .For they existed.”

These words really touched my heart.


Ted,
Nick’s bike truly is a labor of love. I know it had to be such an emotional work. I am glad you’ve finished it and hope it does bring you some comfort.

Lora,
How are you? Been thinking about you and Cara a lot.

Debbie,
Thank you for the picture of the ‘Angel clouds’ and for thinking of me. I keep you and Sam in my thoughts. I know what you are dealing with is so hard and I remember the days in the beginning waiting to get answers and wondering if any would ever come. You are doing so much in trying to shine a light in the darkness and I know the need to do that but also know how emotional and exhausting it all is.

Cherry,
Thank you for sharing that piece of the poem by Pablo Neruda. The words are beautiful.

Wade,
I love the picture of Brooks with the kids. I have to say that I think of him looking after my Trista, like a big brother. I think he would do that for her. I feel like that is just something he would do for the younger Ones.

Still catching up on reading. I’m very tired now. I’m glad I did what I did on Trista’s Angel Day but now am so exhausted. The days leading up were so full of anxiety and while the day itself was beautiful and right… now, I am so tired and now it’s over and my mind is going back and back. I keep thinking… On this day last year… What I find is that I have very little memory. The day of Trista’s accident is vivid and clear, every moment and the accident, the time leading up to being told she was gone, then it all goes blurry. I have memories, but fuzzy and to know what day was what… I just don’t until her Services… I remember them but still in a fuzzy dream like way. I had nothing to wear and refused to go shopping. All I could think is my Daughter is gone. It doesn’t matter what I wear now or ever. Someone brought me a dress. It was too big and I didn’t care. I wore no make-up and barely brushed my hair. I wonder what I looked like to others.

On Trista’s Angel Day, with my family and friends, I found myself talking of you all here and of your Children and realized truly what a big part of my life you all have become. I truly believe our Babies are together and that’s helps me. Sorry if I’ve rambled today. My mind is in that kind of place.

[Mermaid Tears]

Hey Lora....for the last 3 weeks I have been very 'weepy'....I developed an eye infection...then I would get up and feel like I was coming down with the flu or bad cold...but neither one developed....had to try 3 different eye drops before one finally turned things around...I also had an upper respiratory infection and got oral antibiotics.....finally on Monday...my eyes made a turn for the better...my vision is not compromised..just the whites of my eyes...swollen lids and lots of watering...

   and you and I and many on this site we come into the dreaded 'summer countdown'....no wonder we 'cocoon'....and summer has always been my favorite...I would get to have my children all to myself....many of my friends could not believe how sad I would get when school started and I would have to share them again....

   I have a very droopy spirit...

I wish I could find my 'spark' again...

Like many....I find I am better with projects to work on....something to create...

maintaining a speed of moving forward...

 

Kate....gee.....I think you got not only yours but a lot of people's share of 'rude and ignorant' citizens....as you know....they don't pay your bills....they don't sit around the fireplace singing songs with you....or can really lay claim on any part of your life......so....Let Them Go....Let Them Go.....and Thank God and Greyhound they are gone.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Lora,

 

I just saw your post. You must have posted as I was writing. Just wanted to say I think of you and of Cara so often. I'm holding you close in my heart right now. I know that need to cocoon and reflect. I was looking at pictures to put together in an album for Trista's Angel Day and I saw the picture of her and Dani in their Walmart bags and thought of Cara and how she did that too.

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....thank you for sharing 'Trista's Day'.....and we are in the rare club of knowing how painful...how heart wrenching..and the sheer impact of 'longing'....can all come together in that 24 hours....all those emotions can almost paralyze a parent...

    You created a wonderful day of remembrance for your family and her friends....

You know....they needed that...

We know you wanted to slink into a dark place and just hide there...

But somehow....the Gods That Be....gave you some powerful shot of Mama Love...for only the power of Love can come through like that....

I do so like the Doves....

did you buy them online ?

If so...what are they called ? Very inspiring....

This is such a crooked journey with this grief...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Susan,

 

They are called bio doves. They really were beautiful. I was looking for an eco-friendly alternative to a balloon release. Trista always took a very strong stance on environmental issues. I found these and they seemed perfect.

http://www.biodoves.com/

http://www.birando.com/bio-dove-helium-balloons

[Mermaid Tears]

thanks Shannon....I think they would be 'so perfect' for the beach...with all the seagulls....smell of the salty ocean...and the waves...and we can send our 'heart wishes' heavenward...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Susan, I think they would be absolutely beautiful at the beach... perfect. Some of the Girls used sharpie markers to write special messages on. I sent mine up with the silent message in my heart.

 

Laurie and Wade, Thank you for the music.

[Mermaid Tears]

Lady of One and Sailors Mom.....I was thinking that both of you have similar situations...and both of you were guided to this site within hours of each other....

a coincidence.....?  Maybe....maybe not....first I want to say that your extreme pain is normal...for your grief..

What is abnormal is that this kind of pain cannot be felt until a parent has lost a child...

that is so abnormal in the cycle of life...the normal cycle of life....the parent leaves this earth home first...

Many will tell you that the heavy burden of grief....seems to crush your chest....and it is hard to even breathe...I think it is because our hearts have been shattered..not in the physical sense...but for sure...shattered.

    When I lost my John David...I went and bought every book that Elisabeth Kubler-Ross had written....and I, too, became that searcher....

 

 

 

 

 

Many will tell you that YES your life has changed...and there is no North or South....10 o'clock or 2 o'clock....no morning or night....time has a way of going into some wormhole.....and there is simply no right or wrong way to deal with grief....my instinct was to 'cocoon'.....and it was hard for me to break away from my social commitments, etc....and Dee is the one that told me it was 'my right' to decide where and when I wanted to do anything....

My instinct to cocoon was right for me.....and I still 'cocoon' to a large degree....

    If you think you want to go and talk to a dozen trees.....do it....if you want to talk to the radio.....do it......

DO NOT let anyone tell you how to walk on your grief path....if you want to talk to a medium....do it...in fact..I know I will one day....for sure....and no one will change my mind about that. Do not worry about what others say or not say. This is your movie...you are the star of this one....and no one knows how to walk in your shoes or play your part....unless they have lost a child.

if you want to sit on the couch in your panties all day and cry....do it....do anything...(except to do self harm)...that you feel like will get you by....til you can come up for air....

     Many will have a double edge sword for they will let guilt and shame sit side by side with their grief....just remember...

you have enough love for your child to go to the moon and back in a rocking chair...and...

   We just don't have that kind of control.....we 'think' we do...for when we had that child we got a charge of Love Power...but....we are simply human....with a Super Human Love for that child...and we never had the power or control to keep our child from slipping away.....

   I will tell you this....and this I believe with every nerve and fiber in my body....your son did not die alone. If you can re-read some of my older posts...I posted some info about a small book I found..it was first published in the late 30's....it is online...amazing.....the message...is that no one leaves this earth home alone....

   I have more to post on addiction...later.....

[Mermaid Tears]

Am sorry....the name of that book is called .."Walter Doesn't Live Here Anymore"....

I found this copy of it in my parent's home....after both of them died I had to take care of their things and family home...I am thinking either my Mom or my Dad's sister gave it to him when he lost his Father....it was quite a blow to him and I remember him grieving a long time. Anyway...there is a chapter in the book about past loved ones being present when one dies.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

...as I read the posts here today I remember "oh yes, I remember reading that" and think about the point in time where I was at when reading a particular post or thought, this grief journey has been a shared pilgrimage with you all...

 

Here is a definition I found on pilgrimage today:

 

"A pilgrimage is a journey or search of moral or spiritual significance. Typically, it is a journey to location of importance to a person's beliefs and faith, although sometimes it can be a metaphorical journey into someone's own beliefs."

 

It has been over a year that I have joined this site...the days of early mourning and the unraveling of all that I held dear, the wrenching away of belief systems that no longer matched my own experience with Jesse's passing, the death of a child has a way of doing away with pretense --  leaving one's soul bared...

 

Thank you for sharing your children and their lives, their hopes and dreams, their inner struggles and their everyday life...and for holding my hand during those very dark hours.

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie....I have been 'piddling and puttering' today....dragging out a closets full of 'things'....sorting...keeping some...throwing some away...and giving some away....it is time for me to de-clutter....I have not done anything like this since I lost John David...I have been 'stuffing' stuff away...thinking....I will attend to that later....

 

when my hands are busy with idle work...my mind can really travel and seek...

 

and today...how I have changed...things that use to matter...don't matter anymore..

and some things that use to be so small...now have a bigger stance on the stage of my life...

 

I am wide open....my eyes are open...to new things I did not need to know...

[Jeff's Mom]

Just quickly stopping by to say I am thinking of everyone both old and new to the site. We are taking advantage of the beautiful weather and spending as much time as possible outdoors. Sending love to all. Kate

[MissKylie]

Susan, “a time when 'Mama could not kiss' the hurt and make it go away...., hits me…Makes me remember the night I lost Kylie, in my arms…Kylie wanted nobody else to be there for her but me and I can’t make her cancer go away..I was holding her and then I heard her last breath…I thought it was nothing…I didn’t get it when the doctor said that my daughter was under observation. I didn’t have the idea that it will be the last time that she’ll be next to me….

 

Debbie , thank you for remembering me and Kylie…Thank you for posting the picture

 

MaryAnn, I love the poem…Promised walks never taken..The future we planned for our children..

 

Shannon, Lora, Dee, our girls, will always be remembered as princess... We’ll do everything to bring them back in our arms ,

 

Sherry, Wade, Laurie, Colleen, Nick…and Ladyofone, Sailormom, Kate, Carol… Our love to our children and being their parent continues…even if we cry so much as we go on… “Take this sinking boat..and point it at home..we’ve still got time”  Thanks Wade for this.

 

Msmom told me to read the book, “When bad things happen to good people”…I find these words too ironic…And then just today, my boss said one of our former managers lost her daughter, already a college student…And I feel so bad and hurt because our former manager Miss Daisy is such a kind person, soft spoken, God-fearing…

 

Am praying that our faith to God continues, as this grief journey is really a tough path to walk on…It hurts so much and hurts to see other people had to walk the same path….

 

 

Love and peace to all,

Kylie's Mommy- Mommy Cherry

[ericasmom]

Cherry, I too loved that photo of the statue that Debbie posted. How nice of Debbie to send that in thought of you and Kylie. I know that you ache, but our princesses are happily free from pain and hurt, they love us as they always have, as we always will. Nope, it does not fill all of the holes in our lives, the empty arms that they filled, we find instead, ways to fill our arms and hearts knowing that our Children smile when we do.

 

Laurie, love the wanderer thought...I wrote a poem in that same frame of mind and I will look to see if I can find it. Thinking of you.

 

Ladyofone, I don't think that i have welcomed you yet, if so, forgive my lack of memory it's just that it is late for a school night and last night is a blur for similar reasons: writing report cards, updating files, so many things to do including keeping kids engaged while we look toward the last day on Tuesday the 10th. I am tired. I am sorry that you needed to find a place such as this, but since you did, you found the BEST of the BEST. I am too tired to say much more right now so all I can do is hold your name and your Son's name sending prayers of hope your way.

[SamDsmom]

I am really struggling to night. 2 panic attacks in two days. What is wrong with you? Why do you do this to yourself. Go to sleep you are driving me crazy. You're muserable, can't you just be happy that you will see him in heaven. God gave you Max to help you heal. I know how you feel I felt the same way when my father died. If you don't get a grip you will be angry and miserable and I wont put up with it. Don't take this out on me, I didnt do anything to you. He may be right. I can't even focus to connect to deal with the one person who loved me unconditionally. The sun that no longer shines. The pain that won't go away. Then the guilt and shame of the fear of the change. So afraid that no one will remember. Can't tell anyone. Im sorry thought shed be better by now, there's really nothing I can do. I don't know how to deal with her. She's just gone crazy. Don't hold on to all that anger it's not healthy. I haven't even thought of the addicted one for dsysI am really struggling to night. 2 panic attacks in two days. What is wrong with you? Why do you do this to yourself. Go to sleep you are driving me crazy. You're muserable, can't you just be happy that you will see him in heaven. God gave you Max to help you heal. I know how you feel I felt the same way when my father died. If you don't get a grip you will be angry and miserable and I wont put up with it. Don't take this out on me, I didnt do anything to you. He may be right. I can't even focus to connect to deal with the one person who loved me unconditionally. The sun that no longer shines. The pain that won't go away. Then the guilt and shame of the fear of the change. So afraid that no one will remember. Can't tell anyone. I haven't even thought of yhe addicted one for days, weeks. Waiting for the call. More guilt. I feel deeper. Feel connected to a grouo of people who don't even know me. What if they (loved ones, the people who share my blood) are right? I am spinning down a huge funnel. Would never hurt myself because I wouldn't do that to my other children. Just want to disappear with my little box of ashes, my kstate blanket, a pair of scratched up safety glasses and a coulpe of Kansas City and Wisconsin Badgers sweatshirts, pretty much all I was allowed to keep and disappear to connect with the sunshine again.

Thanks for letting me ramble.

[Sailormom]

SamDMom..

 

It's o.k. to go crazy and curl up,  I do that every Sunday morning after my husband walks out the door to work.  I grab something of B's and go curl up on his bed (that we brought back home) and just cry and sometimes scream.    I try not to fall apart in front of hubby or anyone else so they don't judge me.

 

It's helped to come here and see others going thru the same ramblings in order to move forward.   Feeling connected to people who don't know you but kinda do makes it safer to express your feelings.  Kinda of like a safe room, everyone needs a safe room when you have went thru all that we have went thru. 

 

Yes heaven is too far off, but I just look up at the sky and talk to my Brian,  I know he is a cloud, wind or storm depending upon his mood. 

When Brian was in the Navy he was an AG - weather observer.. LOL.. 

 

[ericasmom]

Debbie, I do believe you need a place to curl up, to stay still for a bit, to be free to feel what you feel and cry when you need to cry without being judged for it. Losing your Son is nothing like your husband losing his Dad, sad, uh hu, but losing a child is devastating, and it is not right to compare these two losses. Okay, if you are driving him nuts, ask him to drive you to ??? to give you some time for grief because Debbie, you have not yet had that time and space. You grieve in small quantities in order to make it okay for others and your heart and spirit need freedom from that. I am being bossy, don't mean to be but I am worried about your not having this time to spend in grief. Grief does not go away when we have to shove it in a corner, it is meant to be there and digested over time. Is there a place you can go in which to grieve, to get off the road for a while? Ranting is what we all do especially early in our grief, never apologize for that.

 

Maryanne, what a great poem for us all, thanks so much.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Debbie,

It’s okay to ramble. I remember being in a place very much like you are now. Different circumstances but unable to find that time and space that I needed so desperately. We do need time to grieve, time to reflect, to go deep, to allow ourselves to go into that space to connect with our Child. Dee, gave me the same advice and listening to her and Susan, who told me… you are not crazy… you are grieving, allowed me to take the steps to create that space for myself. We all do it in whatever way works for us. Laurie created a sacred spot for herself surrounded by things that comfort her and I followed her lead on that. You are on a truck and never alone to let yourself ride out the waves of this grief. I don’t mean to tell you what to do or how to do it. I just wanted to say that I so agree that if you can find a way to give yourself that space… it is so necessary.

My husband did not ‘get’ my grief. He also had many other battles of his own and I came to a place of self preservation. I knew I needed to create a space for myself and my boys free of the pressures he was putting on me. He moved out of our house by my request for a couple of months. In that time we sought counseling, both together and separately. It helped and we are living as a family again. We still have times that we don’t connect. Times that he takes my grief personally and thinks when I need to withdraw for a little while that I’m withdrawing from him and times I’m so raw that I take everything he does personally. However, if I had not taken those steps and taken that stand for myself, I don’t know what would have happened.

I was told in the beginning that I was ‘crazy’ too. One day my husband’s ex-wife called me. Luckily, she and I have that type of relationship. She asked how I was doing and we talked a little while and finally she told me that she was checking in because she had spoken to my mother in law who told her that I had completely lost my mind and was going crazy. She told me that she knew there was something up because that just didn’t sound like me. This was around the time my husband moved out and I know it was her ‘crazy’ way to defend him if anyone found out he wasn’t living at home. For a while I felt like I should have a t-shirt made… I’m not crazy… I’m grieving. But that did become my mantra for a while whenever I would have those thoughts, either because of things said to me by people who just don’t understand or self imposed.

I guess I’ve rambled now. Just wanted to let you know that we do get it and you can share absolutely anything here with us. I’m thinking of you and sending extra prayers today. I know how scary and draining panic attacks can be. The night of Trista’s Day I woke up at 2 am with a panic attack that made me physically sick to my stomach. It lasted all night.

[Mermaid Tears]

Oh Debbie....please re-read all that Shannon and Dee have posted....those are what I call 'Care Words'....we each have you tucked away in a pocket in our hearts....we try to comprehend what it must be like to be 'on the road and in a truck' all day...miles and miles....and no place to 'cocoon'....hide....a nesting place...to try and get some traction to this downhill fall.

Fall we do...free fall....and you have not hit rock bottom yet....

    I know I am still in that free fall....and when I do hit rock bottom....I (think/know) I will come to a resting place where I will allow surrender and acceptance come into my shattered heart....

   I am not there...yet....

 

We do wish you could be in some 'place' where you are not in the truck...maybe your daughter's ? Those little granddaughters will really hug that hurting heart.....maybe just for 2 weeks....so you are not so confined ?

 

You are having those panic attacks and I think that is normal...in that first year I don't think our 'thinking brain' can quite wrap that reality of losing a child....my son, the Dr. told me to drink Gatorade for the electrolytes  when I had an attack...it is not a cure...just to help the physical body.

 

We are just trying to paint some scenarios out for you....we are the original 'Think Tank of Grief'.....

and as you know....we really don't have any answers.....just words...and words are all we have to share....and our care...

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....I know you are in count down mode....and the kids get so 'wiggly' at the end of school....I think that it is so neat that your Eri shares a birthday day with Maya Angelou....her words just have such a profound way of making an impact...to read them...to hear them....it is like they are placed in a sentence as one would place an expensive piece of crystal...I am going to read her latest book this summer....I am saving it to take to the beach...

[shorty16]

Debbie,

You are at a very difficult time. The shock is wearing off and reality is slapping you...hard. Hang on. You are not going crazy.

I used to tell people who asked "how are you." My response: "By the time I tell you how I feel, I will have felt 100 different emotions." My mind was all over the place.

To all my friends,

Hope you are getting the weather we have. Mid to high 70's with a light breeze and full sun.

Tomorrow, I am having lunch with Kathy, the Mom of one of Brian's friends. She is a grandma by her son and planning a wedding. Everything, I will never experience with Brian. Even 1 year ago, I would never have put myself in this position. But, I have learned to be happy for those who helped me so much in the beginning. She really stepped up when others stepped away.

I will be asking for strength from all our angels so I do not cry, while she is happy.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[Sholl1955]

Debbie

You are not crazy, you are very much normal as a mama who has lost her child trying to live in a world that changed overnight for you and you are struggling to make sense of it all under very hard circumstances.   I agree that you need some time to yourself and to have a chance to process what has happened.    I would have panic attacks just being in the close quarters that you live in.   I lost my Sarah in March 14th of 2012.  Due to my circumstances I was unable to get away by myself as many depend on me, so have been working at my grief the best way I can and missing her more every day.   I was finally able to get away for 3 days at Memorial Day.  It was the best thing for me.  I cried a lot as I recalled memories that are beginning to give me some peace instead of the deep deep pain.  For the first time since she left I was free to cry (and I cried a lot) without having to worry about bothering or hurting someone else, or be told I should be over it by now.   It was just God, me, and for the first time in 2 years I truly felt the presence of my sweet Sarah.  Something that hasn't happened in the midst of all of the busyness and grief.  If there is any way at all for you to have even a few days alone, would be so helpful for you.   What family and loved ones do not, and can not understand is what a mother feels when she has lost a child.   We will never be the same person again.  We can't be. It IS different from any other loss that we have experienced.   Losing other loved ones is very painful but this is so much different.

 

 Only another Mama can know the depth of our pain. I am sure that Dad's feel the same way when it comes to their grief.  So, our friends and loved ones will have to deal with the person we are now.   We aren't even sure who we are and it is a day by day process.  A process that will have no true end until we are with our child again.   When I first came to this site, and people would say that things would get softer and that the pain would lessen some, I absolutely did not believe it was possible.   I am beginning to see a glimmer of that softening.  I still feel as if I am on a roller coaster and some days the dips are sudden and deep, but there is hope, and I do know I will survive.  You will too Debbie.   Yes, we are a group of people who have never met.  But we are connected by the deepest most personal pain that human beings can experience and I am thankful for a place to come to where all pretense is gone and everyone gets it and cares.   You are in my prayers as you move step by step through this journey.  There is no right or wrong way we just have to go through it.    Take care.

 

Sandy

[shorty16]

Sandy

So happy you could get away and recharge.

Personally, a good cry released allot of pent-up anxiety. I felt better afterward.

So glad Sarah was there, in spirit. That is a new memory you made with her. Not near as sweet as the past, but a good memory just the same.

Hugs to you

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

[shorty16]

Shannon,

I think back to how I felt when Brian was gone and his Senior year went on without him. Graduation parties and moving on with life.

For me, very difficult time. My mantra, at that time, was "I am standing upright and Breathing". That is a good day.

Please know, I think of you often. I am sending you hope that one day, this terrible pain will subside. The memories that causes so much pain, will again make you smile.

I think of you often, I was right there where you are.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[shorty16]

Cherry,

Your post reminded me of my last night with Brian.

We were at the hospital waiting for flight for life to return. 2 flight nurses came to us and said "He did not make it". I thought "What do you mean, he did not make it, Where is he?" "Did he go bowling? Where is he?"

Then my husband said "He is dead?" They shook their heads, Yes.

Brian dying never entered my mind..at all. It was not a consideration before I went to the hospital. As for my husband, he "knew" Brian was dead. He said, he "felt" it.

This memory does not cause me panic anymore, but one that is very strong...still

Hugs to you

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

[Mermaid Tears]

Colleen...thank you for staying on this site for so many years...

thank you for sharing your story

thank you for sharing your SONshine boy...

thank you for letting us hear the 'good and bad' days...moments...and years....that you have endured...

and thank you for letting us know....'we don't have to 'get over' it....we just have to get through it...

there is a difference....

IF ...we had to 'get over it'....we would all fail....

[SamDsmom]

Just have a quick moment to check in. Have been reading. I want to respond to everyone individually. Hopefully, prayerfully, I can keep the anxiety down and come back later. I just want to say Thank you all for sharing. Thank you all for making this experience a little more bearable. I can't do this alone.

[Jeff's Mom]

"Hugs" to everyone that are going through the memories of those last painful hours. We sink to our knees pleading for a another day... another week... oh please... just spare them. But it is not to be. The heart wrenching pulling away from that maternal root...of protecting...nurturing. Our most important role in this life. To properly guide another young and innocent into the real world. We feel we have failed...to protect them somehow...ridiculous...but we do. When this happens. And we realize how vulnerable we all are. That it is not our call. We do not control as much as we think we do. They are but ours for a brief time. We have done our best. Could they have been loved more? Probably not. Could we have done more? Possibly, but unlikely. Hold them close... but set them free. They are gone for now until we meet them again at our required time. I personally will not allow myself to relive those last hours. I choose to remember Jeff by his best and most wonderful self. I know I will see him again. I also know that because this happened my life will never be the same again. His death turned me inside out. There is no hiding here...all that I feel is exposed. I can't pretend any longer that I am fine. For am most definitely not. But I will survive and if only for now...for him. I can do this. And I will. I will for him.

Prayers for the families of the three RCMP officers that were shot dead last night in Moncton. Yes, Laurie...let there be Peace. I am just so sick of war and hate and injustice. All men are born equal. It is the path they take that separates them.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

In a quiet mood tonight...been reading along...Debbie you are in my prayers...

 

Wishing everyone a peaceful night and sweet dreams of our children.