Loss of an Adult Child

[Mermaid Tears]

Debbie...thanks for sharing the story about your uncle....

seems to me he did just what a lot of us have mentioned on this site...

that we would like to just 'walk away'.....slink to someplace and hide away for awhile....

be in a private world where we can lick our wounds in our own fashion...and create a world we can live in without that child...

or maybe...being wounded and learn to walk with a 'limp'...forever....

he did just that...and maybe the world he walked into was one he never wanted to leave...he carried no one with him..

as we have learned....some 'can' get through a trauma....and some just give in to the trauma...and this grief journey is not for sissies...

 he may have been broken in many places....but there was nothing broken with his heart...for he showed up at the funeral...he was right where he was supposed to be...and he knew it....he knew he should be there for all of you...

   But please do write the letters....for now you have another eye for seeing...and another layer of empathy....and all that you have learned on this grief journey will surely bring them some comfort. Just write from the heart.

 

   Just the other day there was this video on FB about some (not so common sense)...guys trying to get a jeep out of some thick and deep mud....there was this 'guy' in the video....made me catch my breath...he with the broad shoulders...looked just like John David ...shirt, shorts, shoes would have been just what he wore...the way he walked...moved his arms...

   I watched it over and over and over....I 'knew' it was not him.....it was a flight in fancy...sorta a twilight zone moment...

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie...what was the name of the book again..?

 

Shannon....you have created a genuine 'Trista Garden'....am so in love with it....when it is all a-bloom...please share some photos...

 

Dee....so happy you had a 'sacred sweet dream' of your girl....

I remember my little Mama telling me that when she would have a dream of Essie (her Mom) it seemed as if she had a real visit with her....beyond sweet....

love that 'Babydoll'....look at those pink cheeks....you will really have a fun summer with her at this age....wish I lived closer to Wyatt John....here is the latest photo....of our new little man..our Jesse and Heather..Bailey Boo.and a photo of our recent graduate, Josh....he had to go to the Stadium so early....the rest were not dressed, yet...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Susan, thanks for sharing the pictures of your family...the little one is a cutie for sure...
 

Laurie...what was the name of the book again..?

The book is "Waiting on Heaven: A Mother and Daughter's Remarkable Shared Death Experience" Here is an excerpt from Victoria's book...

Many people are afraid of death. Our society tends to cringe at the very sound of the word. Many will experience the death of the body. Death is not the opposite of life; it is the opposite of birth. Life is eternal. I enjoy my time working as a volunteer with hospice patients and bringing a message of comfort to them. Spending time with people who are soon to pass is a blessed experience for me, and witnesses to me what I already Know: only the human form dies, while the essence, or the spiritual beingness, of our loved ones lives on. In Knowing Awareness, I enjoy Paris in another way. She often said that she was a teacher, and she continues to be so; now I pay attention.

Acree, Victoria Mason (2014-02-10). Waiting on Heaven: A Mother and Daughter's Remarkable Shared Death Experience (pp. 118-120).

her website

 

http://www.voiceofvictoria.com/

 

her story as she told it in on a radio interview

 

http://www.voiceofvictoria.com/Video.html

[MissKylie]

Thanks Kate & Shannon for thinking about me and Kylie and her love of Marigold. How i wish she can read our posts...I remember whenever I'm in front of my laptop, she'd read outloud every line that I typed in. She must be happy to know that there are people who remembers her and loves the flowers that she also love.

 

Laurie, i wish i can have the book about Victoria and Paris. There are not much book about afterlife here in our country. Not sure if it's because our country is predominantly Catholic and it's not really encouraged to search what afterlife is all about.

 

How do I cope up? Each day when I wake up, is like i woke up from a dream and waiting that this "dream" will soon end. I have slowed down, lost a lot of planning that I'm really great at, but I still get to smile everyday, excited everyday. Since each day finished is another day closer to Kylie. No one lives forever anyway. So in my dream, I try to live my life as if it's the last.

 

It's like waking up dead. But then I have to spend this life since it needs to be spent anyway.

 

 

Steve s Mom, thanks for the poem for Kylie's Angelversary...

 

Susan, may your John David comfort you tonight, he'd always be your loving son...The pictures of your new little man are soooo cutee....

 

Dee, a visit to Erika's site must have been comforting to you...Whenever I see Erika's picture, it feels like she's like a rock star...carefree...

 

Just arrived from work, so I'm really tired and sleepy. My resigning boss told me that I will be transferred to another department. To a challenging department. They're planning to see the best of me..on the good note.. However..I feel like I wanted to just be laid back and do what I want to do...Not too much work. So much for the future plans. This is just a dream anyway..

 

Prayers and Hugs,

 

Kylie's Mommy- Mommy Cherry

[Mermaid Tears]

Cherry...do not give up on me.... I posted a few days ago that I was going to post a 'story' for you....and I will....and I have not forgot....it has been a 'time' situation for me.....I do have a 'story' for you...and your Mom....

I am not very glib....sometimes I have to process what I am thinking to what I am 'writing and posting'....to make it

come out right for the reader....

 

 

   I write the way I think....

but on this site....

I have to write...what I think....in a way....that others can relate...and in not an abstract way....

but in a 'me to you'....and 'you to me' way....

I have never been in chat rooms...or anything like that on the internet....

in fact...this is the only thing online I would ever think to post on...

but I feel safe...welcomed...

 

and most of all....I feel so understood....even if I only post a sentence or two....

someone knows where I am...and what I am thinking...and where I am hurting...

[Angel Boy of Mine]

Thank you to all that offered words of encouragment last Friday, which would have been my Jared's high school graduation. Now I need to tell you about how that unfolded, as it has made me cry every day since,,,

 

The high school principal had offered to put his picture in the yearbook in the section with the rest of the seniors, which they did, and they were supposed to announce that the yearbook would be in the office if any student wished to sign, and that part they forgot to do. I posted the picture of the memory page for Jared on my facebook, thinking I could get the book signed at the graduation, but that was impossible as the place, the civic center in a neighboring town was jam packed.

 

I wasn't even plannning on attending the graduation until two of Jared's classmates, and really good friends of his asked us to go. I wrote the principal to let him know we would be attending, and asked if they could at least have a moment of silence to honor my son. He wrote back, saying. "ok, thank you"; and that gave me the courage to dress and get ready to go. I told my husband of my request and the answer, and so we went expecting to at least hear our child's name. The graduates came in and the shouts went up, and I cried because my boy should have been among them. We waited, and waited, and then it was over, and there was no moment of silence, no reading of his name, nothing. My heart felt like it would burst as we made our way through the crowd of happy parents and friends of the graduates and left to go home. 

 

The next day, I got an email from the principal stating that they could only offer the yearbook, as the school board had voted several years ago, after a tragic accident that claimed the lives of two of their seniors, to only commerate a child that met their untimely demise in their senior year, and offered me a second yearbook free of charge.

 

I wrote back to say I knew and remembered the  boys that were lost in that accident, who were Juniors at the time, yet they were commerated at their graduation the following year, and had even had a memorial placed on the school grounds to honor them, even though they had been driving in an unsafe manner, drifting around a turn at a high rate of speed, according to the other two boys that survived the crash; which also critically injured a teacher in oncoming traffic. I didn't want to make that comparison, but that is what it made me think about. My  boy, trying to get home before it was dark, hit by someone (IMO) not paying attention, having alcohol and prescription drugs spilled out in her floorboard, having received  a text moments before hitting him....never charged with anything... would the injustice ever end??

 

He hasn't written back. What can he say at this point? i found out yesterday, that a group of seniors had asked what the school would do to honor Jared at graduation, and he told them it was a happy occasion, and they didn't want to do anything to make everyone sad... I guess we don't count.

[Mermaid Tears]

Becky....am so sorry....

as for the Principal....where is his heart ? Well....once again....we are confronted with those that have no empathy...

and....when Austin graduated.....a girl...Peyton....was killed in a very freak accident with a horse in their 8th grade year...

and there was a special dedication to her in the yearbook....and an empty chair for her...and her parents and siblings walked across the stage to receive her diploma.....there was applause and cheers for their daughter....she was not forgotten...and yes...it is a happy occasion....but we must (adults) be examples to the younger generation in how to honor those that went before us...it should not make anyone sad...(of course the parents of the child)...but should convey a pride in honoring and offer a connection...

and a teaching moment in how to remember....

[tobyfreefoot]

becky i am so sorry there is no end to the injustice your family has suffered.  lynn was telling me how she absolutely did not approve of her new life filled with gigantic holes where her people use to be.  at some point she said she certainly did not feel like a nun singing somewhere in my youth or childhood i must have done something good. (sound of music) that she must have really been terrible in some other life to deserve so much grief.  i can tell you one thing, i never believed in karma and i lt totally reinforced in my opinion when i read your story.

 

recently i somehow clicked something on here (not the gallery) that showed every picture i have ever posted on here.  does anyone know what it was??

 

an update on the boy from my job.  still in intensive care but improving.  the 400 lb billet was1600 degrees and was on his leg from 5 to 7 minutes.  he will need more skin grafts and has had 5 surgeries but saved his leg and foot.  we are taking up money at work for his family and to buy the wood (lowe's is selling us at cost) some co workers will build a ramp for him as he will be in a wheelchair for a few months when he gets home.

 

"Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind; Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave. I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.” i plan to read along with the maya angelou poem at forest's 3rd  angel date. thanks for sharing.

[lovU2themoon]

Catching up on the post, Lindsay and I attend an afterlife awareness conference in Portland, lots to think about.

We had a couple medium readings, and some very amazing lectures. 

It was very therapeutic to be around many many that 100% belief our loved ones are with us, just in a different way, that we can still

maintain a relationship with those that have passed, recognizing the signs they sent us, telling us they are ok.

Like i said, lots to think about lots to absorb.

 

[Mermaid Tears]

 

Lora.....

    we know you are lost in the 'in betweens'....leading up to that date...just want you to know we are all thinking of you...

holding you and Cara with as much spirit and unceasing prayers as we can...

you are holding on with both hands....

just as we do before that marker comes...

we know you are hurting...

and all we have are words to reach out to you with...

but those words carry care and consideration...

and also a plea ....

that you will be given strength and stamina...

to 'just get through it'....

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

Betsy.....

    Your SONshine boy has a birthday coming up.....

and it is a double edged sword for the parent to have that day....

remembering when that angel was placed in your arms and heart...

remembering all the birthdays and excitement of that young one with stars

in their eyes ...so excited over the cake...the presents....

and everyone celebrating 'their day'....

ah...those memories...will buckle you to your knees....

I have found that I enter into another kind of grief on those marker days..

....we are here to hear you....and hold your hand over this bridge of mourning...

but more.....we know the shoes you walk in...and that is why we can walk with you...

Hold on with both hands...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Becky, I am so sorry for the insane behavior on the part of the principal. If you are up to it maybe a talk to the school board or at PTA board...I have never heard of a school not honoring a student that passed before their graduation in the ceremony...

 

This person must have the IQ of a slug...

 

I am sure there were many parents at that school who would be shocked/outraged to learn that if their son/daughter were to pass that this principal would not allow a public mention of their child's death in a formal ceremony...so totally inappropriate....so wrong...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Catching up on the post, Lindsay and I attend an afterlife awareness conference in Portland, lots to think about.

We had a couple medium readings, and some very amazing lectures. 

It was very therapeutic to be around many many that 100% belief our loved ones are with us, just in a different way, that we can still

maintain a relationship with those that have passed, recognizing the signs they sent us, telling us they are ok.

Like i said, lots to think about lots to absorb.

  100_5096.JPG

 

I have read about the afterlife conference...I wanted to attend one of the IANDS conferences...

 

Was this the conference that Raymond Moody attends?

[Steve s mom]

Becky,

I agree with Jesse David's mom

I would go to the school board or even the township or highest level of local government.that principal should be fired.especially after telling you to come to the graduation which must have been so hard for you.

Steve was remembered by both his school he attended thru 8th grade who invited us to a reunion they were having for several years of graduating students to represent Steve .i could not go.

And his Hs whom he had graduated from 10 years before he died also acknowledged his death.it seems his Hs class 10 year reunion took place at his death bed unfortunately.

What was done to you was unforgivable ,i am sure if other parents knew they would support you if you notify that school board.

[Mermaid Tears]

laurie...please keep me informed about all you are learning...

[lovU2themoon]

I have read about the afterlife conference...I wanted to attend one of the IANDS conferences...

 

Was this the conference that Raymond Moody attends?

Yes it was he was one of the keynote speakers, and Eben Alexander, Dr Gary Schwartz, Tom Zuba, Terri Daniel.  Here is the link

 http://www.afterlifeconference.com/

and they have a fb page too. 

It gave me lots to think about. 

[mysonrich]

thank you .this year seems to be a bit rougher its in the past. it may be due to the ages of Sarah's and Richards friends now getting older and getting married having children. this weekend I'll be pet sitting so there's a little bit of fun company .I plan on going to one of my favorite parks which sits high above the river and I will release some balloons .if anyone knows whatever became of Mary Ann in Delaware, her son Brian ? I've been thinking about her a lot lately so if she read/S this I hope she knows that he is not forgotten

[Mermaid Tears]

Well....that Afterlife conference must have been a very enlightening event..I looked over the website for it and am amazed at 'what I don't know'....and 'who I don't know about'....

it was my Daddy that told me....'It is important to know what you know....but...more important to know what you DON'T know'...I think I could sit at their feet for a year and soak up their knowledge....

and my son, Jeremy, lives right outside Portland...in Hillsboro....he works for Nike.....and now....he has  found a very special girlfriend....which delights me....

but ....I have been 'waiting in heart' for him to return to Texas....his 'home'...

 

Mothers understand when a son finds that special someone...he joins with her...

as it should be....

 

He is bringing her to Texas to meet all of us at the end of June....

Randa and I are going to pull out the best welcome mat ever...maybe she will fall

in love with Texas !!

 

Each speaker at that conference would be someone I would like to learn and listen to.....

[Mermaid Tears]

Betsy.....I can so relate to what you are feeling....

All of John David's best friends....except for one.....married in their late 30's and did not start having children til then...only one out of the bunch married in his late 20's and had children....

Recently.....one of the 'boys' sent me photos of him and his 4 year old son....at Port 'A'....fishing...in a boat...in the waves...

and I got a 'Pang'.....in the heart....not a bitter feeling...more of a 'it could have been that way' sort of feeling...

 

Dee told of going to Eri's friends wedding....am sure the same feeling came to her...

 

We have to constantly re-adjust our sails....for the winds come from every direction...so many small and large events trigger that 'empty space' ...and reminders of life going forward.

 

I have finally come up for air.....

for some reason...I slipped into a 'valley so low' for about a month....

I was like a runaway train...downhill....could not come out of a deep...cry your heart out...grief...longing...period of time.

I finally got my foot hold on the grief journey...and am walking upright now.

I am sure that is normal....

probably came from knowing another summer without my boy...

I also had this truth come to me....it is hard to go to Matagorda...and see our beach cabin...so hard not to be able to go up the stairs and go through that familiar door...I can almost see Mom and Dad through the window...

and now....Port 'A' has the ghost of summers past...memories in every dune...road...Fish Pass...the places that was his favorites...'Shorties'...'Marina Cafe'...The Ice House....Tarpon Inn...and the fishing....he knew where to go on any given day...it was like instinct to him....to know where the fish were biting....if John David went fishing...he caught fish....if he went hunting...he got his game...Hunter Bear has lost his teacher/mentor....

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

.....probably came from knowing another summer without my boy...

I also had this truth come to me....it is hard to go to Matagorda...and see our beach cabin...so hard not to be able to go up the stairs and go through that familiar door...I can almost see Mom and Dad through the window...

and now....Port 'A' has the ghost of summers past...memories in every dune...road...Fish Pass...the places that was his favorites...'Shorties'...'Marina Cafe'...The Ice House....Tarpon Inn...and the fishing..

 

Susan, definitely the state of being I have been in...the "whole another summer thing" just got to me, unnerving me...like you know matter which way I turned in our northern WI home...it is so full of memories, down every lane, looking out on the mounds I knew he loved to hike, seeing the familiar dirt roads that trail throughout the countyside into the deep woods of nature....and like you said it has become a 'ghost of what has been'....

 

Betsy...I can picture you on top of your hill reflecting on your son's life...missing him...

 

Wanda, thank you for sharing the web site....there are a few authors I am going to look up...

 

Mary Ann, good to see your post for Becky....that is so small of people to run from those of us in grief...like one day they won't cross this path...

[Mermaid Tears]

And Laurie....we know we are not alone with the 'valley so low'....I guess on the year two of the grief journey...since 'some' of the shock suit has dropped a little....all the familiar places glare at us from every direction...even a tree they stood under...even the chair they sat in....when those small memories or material things become such monumental events in our shattered..scattered minds...

  no wonder many of us find ourselves wanting to run....walk....limp....into another place....

to give our minds a rest....

to have a quiet mind....to find some rare form of peace...

grief is exhausting...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

So much to read and think about…

 

Becky,
The way that principal treated your family was terrible. I can’t understand people. They just don’t know, I guess, that their actions can cause so much hurt. I’m so sorry you and your husband had that experience.

 

Susan and Laurie,
I too am being haunted by the ‘ghosts of summers past’. So many memories all around me.

 

Betsy,
I think the balloon release, high on the hill for Rich, sounds beautiful. It’s hard to see our children’s friends and peers hit those milestones.

 

Wanda,
I so wanted to go to the Afterlife Conference. It wasn’t in the cards this year but I knew Raymond Moody and Tom Zumba were speaking and Terri Daniel. I read her book, A Swan In Heaven and have watched some documentaries on her. It sounds like there was a lot to take in. I’d love to hear more about what you learned.

 

I’m trying so hard to find a ‘new normal’. I’m functioning every day. Trying to step back into life a little. It feels so forced though. I push myself just to do things that I used to do just as routine. I get up, take care of Aiden, feed him, play, read stories. I don’t mean to say I don’t enjoy those things. I love my little man so much but sometimes I am functioning on borrowed energy. I’m able to do more though. I actually found myself laughing with Aiden the other day as he chased the bubbles I was blowing for him. I mean, really laughing. Not that forced, on demand, smile because it’s appropriate type of thing. I’ve only been able to get there with my Boys but it’s a start. My husband is having a hard time with me right now. I don’t think he was prepared for the way the summer, Trista’s Angel Day, and her Birthday would affect me. He saw me taking steps, ‘getting better’ and now he sees me slipping again and I think he’s frustrated. He told me last night that he feels he lost his best friend. I know that his feelings are very valid for his journey and what he’s dealing with but feel I’m not the one to talk to about it. I told him I understood. I told him that I am giving more than I have to give already and because I don’t talk about it, I’m not sure if he knows how tired, how raw I am. I suggested he talk to his counselor about it because while I can be there for him in every other way, I can’t be there to help him with this as it’s too personal for me.

 

I ordered the t-shirts for Trista’s Birthday Glo-Run. I am tired and drained and I wonder sometimes why I planned all this instead of just hiding through it all but I know I need these things. I need the projects and planning right now and ways to honor Trista. I am very tired though.

 

Zakery is going to a bereavement day camp the day before Trista’s Birthday. I’m glad. I’ve suggested things like this to him and he didn’t have much interest. This time it was suggested by his girlfriend and she will be going too. She lost her Grandmother the year before we lost Trista. They were very close and she has had a hard time with it. She thought it would be good for both of them. I think it will be and Zak will be comfortable because Chris is there with him. It tugs at my heart a little that she will be there to hold his hand in place of me but he is growing up and I am so happy that he has a Girl in his life that is so thoughtful and cares so much for him.

 

After Trista’s Birthday we are planning a trip to a cabin by a lake, just the four of us. I think it will be much needed.

[Steve s mom]

Hope You have a peaceful fathers day  to all the dads here .

 

I had to post early while I can upload.

[hoosiermom]

Becky--

 

When I was in the 8th grade, a classmate was shot and killed by kids playing around with a loaded gun.  It was a horrible accident and I don't recall anyone ever being charged--but--it definitely left a lasting impression on the kids in my class.

 

At graduation, we had a large wreath placed on the stage in his memory, and we had a moment of silence for him.  In our senior yearbook, we dedicated a page to his memory.  Last summer for our 25th year reunion, his mother was invited and she attended, and I know how much that meant to her that we always remembered her son.  He was one of us. 

 

I am so sorry that the school was so insensitive.  I can't imagine how difficult it was for you to even show up.  What is wrong with people anymore? 

 

I am struggling here.  My youngest daughter graduated Sunday, she will go off to college in August (thank goodness she will only be an hour away)  Next month is Brianna's 5 year angelversary--5 years how in the world have I made it this far?  Most days I feel like it was just yesterday.  My oldest daughter, her husband and my granddaughter will most likely be moving on early next year--he is a Navy recruiter and we don't know yet where his next duty station will be.  My sister is still not speaking to me, she did not attend my daughter's open house or graduation.  When did everything I love become everything I lost? and why?   

 

Love and light

 

Jenn, Brianna's momma forever!

 

 

 

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Lora,
I just wanted to let you know that you and Cara are in my thoughts. I know how hard those days before Trista’s Angel Day were. I’m sending you prayers for comfort.

Jenn,
I’m sending prayers for you as well as Brianna’s Angelversary approaches. Five years does seem seem so long. I question how I made it this one year. Also sending prayers that things will work out in your family. I’m sorry that things are not good between you and your sister and I’m sure the knowledge that your daughter and family will be moving is a weight on your heart.

[Mermaid Tears]

Steve's Mom....that poem hit on every fiber and nerve in my body when I first read it....of course...you can switch from Mom or Dad....and it comes back to me....and has such a John David way of speaking....love it....

 

Jenn....so many on this site has posted of the troubles and pain that family has and does to hurt to each other...do you know what happened to cause such a rift between you and your sister ?

We who walk this grief journey understands so well what grudges and resentments can do....and life is too short to hold on to the hurt....

and as some on here have learned....sometimes one has to 'let go' and walk away even from family...

   Time has become something like out of the Twilight Zone for me.....sometimes it seems as if it has been 100 years since I lost my John David....sometimes it seems as if it was just 10 days  or....less....so I understand how you can feel at this 5 year marker.....how do you feel with your daughter going off to college in the fall ?

 

Shannon....I can understand that exhaustion...you are covering all the bases....and doing such a great job of 'taking care of the take care'.....I, too, wondered why I was going through all the 'First Angelversary' stuff I did....and like you....we have to think of our other children..family and friends....

it is like my son , Jesse said...'We knew if Mom could make it...so could we'......

and that is what your sons and family are thinking, too.....

I think as long as your husband has a counselor to talk to.....he will be able to understand better....and learn how to walk beside you on the grief journey....

the bereavement camp seems like such a good idea....there they can talk to their peers...and maybe open up in ways they wouldn't around you...a very good thing.

  Is your sister and children with you now ? How is your Grama doing after the Angelversary ?

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Thank you, Susan. I hope my Boys and family are thinking the same thing. I'm trying. It's one of those days that's just very hard to breathe. And I know just what you mean about time being something out of the Twilight Zone.

My Gramma is doing ok. A couple of days after Trista's Angel Day she left to go on a retreat with some women from her church, Women at the well. She said it was a great experience for her and she had some much needed rest. She's been caring for my Aunt who had a hip replacement and the little girl who is living with them. She's here with me now and is spending some time with the Boys. She brought Emily who is 6 years old so Aiden is having a great time and it has given me some down time today. I'm grateful. My Sis is here but it's not so hectic. The boys are busy with summer things, Katrina is busy following them around and she helps with Aiden some. Dani is on vacation with her Grandmother so she hasn't brought her whirlwind of energy yet. They are going home on weekends right now as she has a lot to take care of up there too so that gives us time, just us. It's nice to have her here. We are taking a lot of walks in the evenings and catching up a lot.


I found an old picture of Trista today. I used to have a myspace account in the days before facebook. I logged on one day after Trista's accident knowing there would be pictures there I haven't seen in a while. They were gone. I got a message today that myspace made all pictures from before their transformation available again. I logged on and there was this picture of Tris. It took my breath away. She is so beautiful and has always had those 'old soul eyes'. I remember this day, at our old house, the one Tris grew up in and she was sitting outside just sort of daydreaming and I couldn't help but snap this picture. She looked so beautiful.

[hoosiermom]

Mermaid Tears, my sister got angry with me almost a year ago over Facebook, of all things.  I told her something that she didn't want to hear I guess.  Our relationship had been strained since Brianna died.  Maybe she expected me to bounce back to the person I was before, and we all know that isn't possible.  In many ways I just feel that she really lacked empathy when it came to my loss. I was so alone, I had no one to talk to, no shoulder to cry on.  I felt like I had to show a strong front for my other daughters and not let them see the desperate times when I would sob my heart out.  The times I did try to talk to my sis, just reach out for comfort, it was not there.  She was like a stone wall.  That was difficult, as we had both been single mothers helping each other raise our kids, and when her oldest son lost his dad in an accident, I was there for her and my nephew.  She is a world champion grudge holder, she has even shut our parents out and refused contact with them over the years.  It's like a revolving door and now it's my turn to be shunned by her. 

 

I am in the process of teaching my youngest daughter to drive before she goes off to college.  I am terrified of all the what ifs and what could be's!  I have never experienced anxiety before but I am wondering if I am now.  My logical brain says I have to let her go and my scarred heart says noooooo!!  And once again, I find myself with no one to talk to, no shoulder to cry on, so here I am bothering all you good people. 

 

My youngest daughter was with me during the last 24 hours of Brianna's life.  She rode to the hospital with me, she sat with me while the doctors explained what was happening, she was there when I had to make the decision to stop all life saving procedures and she was there when Brianna's heart stopped and she slipped away.  She was only 13 at the time.  I cannot imagine what it was like for her and for years I felt so guilty that she was there and went through it.  She made a senior memory book for school last month and one chapter was all about her sister, how much she misses her and how she wishes she could see her again.  The experience bonded us in a way that is much deeper than a mother/daughter bond.  Almost like we walked thru hell together.

 

Pics below:  one of the last pics of Brianna (with my youngest daughter holding her) taken just a few months before she died and both my daughters on graduation day.

 

Thanks for listening,

 

Love and light

 

Jenn, Brianna's momma forever!

 

 

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Jenn....I have much to say to you...for now.....

You do know your sister has many issues....but it is not you or your parents...think about that...

more later....

 

Shannon....what a wistful Trista....isn't it like winning the lottery when you find 'a lost' photo ?

more later...

 

have to help Hunter Bear with his gift for his girlfriend's birthday....this is his 'first' girlfriend....and it is uncanny...but she reminds me of John David's 'first' girlfriend....it dawned on me just this morning....the realization sorta made the hair stand up on my arms.....and of course....I was always there for all my boy's 'first' girlfriends....

it is nice to be needed like that again....

I have had a lot of experience with 5 sons...

[ericasmom]

First day not teaching...I was at school for several hours to pack up and will return in tomorrow to do more. It is a long process.

 

I am about to take a nap, LUXURY to be sure. Before I do, just want to reply to Becky as I haven't read yesterday or today yet.

Becky, goodness knows it took a lot of heart and soul to go to graduation and I am stunned that the school could not see it through to mention Jared or to have a memorial page for him. Unbelievable. Oh goodness, they might make folks sad???Don't they get that He is and always will be a part of the lives that walked up that aisle? That he laughed cried and danced in those hallways? Shameless and if you post the address and names of the administrators, I would likely send them a very pointed letter.

 

My heart to yours.

[mysonrich]

Rich was 20 years young when he died and at times and yes also here I hold back a lot of what I am feeling and thinking. I can reach out to others here and offer support ,but when I look into my heart and soul and know there are times I should just let my feelings roll off my fingertips, I can't. Maybe I think my feelings are unfounded or I may think , “ what will they think” or “will I hurt someone's feelings” if I say this or that.( probably because I have in the past unknowingly as I wrote) Lately I have been feeling that I should keep Rich's birthday to myself in the “real world”. I often think I still push people away when I mention him. All but a very few that is. I know that under imaginary columns , next to my name is a check mark for “ lost it” ha ha. Well, I don't want people to forget. I want people to remember but as many of us know, at times Rich or your child or children feel like people we should hide away? I am a little more comfortable in asking Sarah questions but am careful not to hurt her. One being, “ have people forgotten him”. Of course her response is that she doesn't speak to Rich’s old friends and how would she know. The last part being a defense mechanism I know. I told her I though she had a crystal ball ! I find myself still tiptoes, dancing around the fact that he is not here, with others. We that have lost children are real good at protecting others but not so much ourselves at times.

 

Susan, thank you.

 

Becky, I am so very sorry that Jared was not included in the graduation ceremony. And did you also say the yearbook exclusion as well? When I was in HS we lost 2 classmates during one year. There were more to follow ,sadly. One I knew a little and the other young man, not at all. I can still see in my mind their pictures on each of their memorial page in the yearbook. I remember that Marcia, mom to Bethany of this site also had problems with her Bethany being almost excluded from that ceremony and some time of remembrance wall for students that died before completing HS. I don't understand. Nice to know that all these years later my somewhat little HS had a clue. I am sorry.

 

Shannon, I attempted to post on Tristas angelversary but could not. I don't always have access to PC internet and when I try with my phone and Tablet things don't work well and I become frustrated. I can write to people but posting gives me trouble at times.

 

Its very nice to see sweet Brianna !

 

To all our new members, I am sorry . Reaching out in the dark of night or glare of a new morning you have found a wonderful site full of caring, understanding and supportive people.

 

I have some work to do so I had better get back to it. I read often almost daily so remember , everyone, you are not alone.

 

I have started to walk and go out more and these things don't seem to be as much as a struggle leaving me exhausted/depleted.

Richard and his truck cake with my SIL ( brothers ex) whom also lost a son Patrick at age 14. I didn't edit so sorry about the skin .

 

One spot I like.

 

[ericasmom]

Betsy, what a gorgeous spot in the photo. Truck cake hu? My Son also was a truck-boy and we read about trucks all day long and packed lunches and watched the construction along an avenue in town when they they were putting in new pipes. IT took months and Jonathan watched and watched, naming each vehicle and finding them later in books. I am glad to know that you read here almost daily. I like very much knowing that you are there. As you approach this birthday I wish you a strong sense of your Rich, music that sings to you and skies that are filled with blue and sunshine. Good days and nights to you.

 

Still have not caught up on reading but I will.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Wanted to put out some dates for everyone...

 

June 13 Cara's Angel Date (Lora)

 

June 14, Rich's Heavenly Birthday (Betsy)

 

July 5, Brianna's Angel Date (Jenn)

 

*********************************

 

Thank Jenn for sharing your story...and for the pictures of your daughters...your youngest daughter sounds like she really is a wonderful young person...wishing her well as she ventures to college...

 

Betsy, thanks for posting the picture of Rich...this "place" has meant so much to me because we can share what is in our hearts...and I thank you for telling Rich's story to us...

 

*********************************

 

There has been so much going on lately...I am back at my parent's again....I was helping them clean out some rooms here...

 

The room I was taking apart was my sister Julie's bedroom...she was hit and killed by multiple cars in the year 2002...(the first driver took off, turned herself in 2 weeks later, never was charged)....

 

I did not realize what I would find in that room...we had a "small ceremony" of sorts and burnt some things that needed to be released...I placed her picture in a new golden frame...placed some fresh items in place of the old...an angel I found for her...a small gold plated dish she would have liked...this was something I felt pressed to do...it was a good thing to do....

 

Then last night I went out for awhile...came back....when I returned my mom was at the door...she told me that my Aunt Lucie just died...even though we knew it was to be soon, just another hurdle...my cousin Donnie had called -- wanted us to let the family know his mom had passed....so I did that last night...

 

...my mom did talk more about my sister's passing to me...she said Julie did come back to her for awhile...to let her know she was okay...

 

**********************************

 

Tonight we shout out "WE LOVE YOU!" to our beloved children...

 

Missing you Jesse so much....

 

My Aunt Lucie and Jesse...

 

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Lately I have been feeling that I should keep Rich's birthday to myself in the “real world”. I often think I still push people away when I mention him. All but a very few that is.

 

I know that under imaginary columns , next to my name is a check mark for “ lost it” ha ha. Well, I don't want people to forget. I want people to remember

 

We want our children remembered...that was one of my first thoughts and fears was that Jesse would be forgotten...there are some days I am just so raw...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Laurie,
I’m glad you had that small ceremony for your Sister and that you and your Mom were able to talk some about her. Did she find it hard to talk much before? I am wondering because I know how hard it is now even when there is slightly more awareness about grief. My Gramma had two younger Sisters who both lost daughters. They were together on a family camping trip. The Girls in a separate car driving ahead of them. It was raining and they lost control. Both Girls died. They were my Trista’s age. My Gramma said it was never really talked about… tiptoed around and now she feels that she should have made the effort but she thought it would make them sad to talk about it. Both Sisters have since passed on. They both died young and she has that regret that she didn’t try but she just didn’t know and no one talked about it. You’ve had so much happening in your family and now the passing of your Aunt Lucie. I love the picture of Jesse and your Aunt together. Thank you for sharing it. I’m thinking of you and hoping for some time for rest for you.

Betsy,
Thank you for letting me know you thought of Tris and I on her Angel Day. I read your words today and could relate to so much that you wrote. It was/is a huge fear for me at times that Tris will be forgotten. I also tiptoe around people and try to gauge people to know if and how I can talk to them. I really don’t share the really deep things at all. This is the place I can share the most but many times there just are no adequate words. I also worry that I will say something and inadvertently hurt someone else. I guess because I know how raw I am so I worry about everyone else too. I know I can come here though and you all understand. Thank you for sharing the pictures and more about Rich and your journey. I love the picture of the place you like. It looks so peaceful.

I had something happen today. I want to share it but am still processing. I will post more later.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Today was a hard day. It was just one of those days that I couldn’t seem to catch my breath. No reason why today was harder than yesterday or tomorrow. Just was. I had decided to spend some time alone, in my room, writing and reading. I was doing that when I got a text. I ignored it and a few minutes later I got another. I checked them. The first was from two of Trista’s friends. One of them was the driver of the car that day. They wanted to know if they could stop by. I almost declined but then decided it would be ok for just a bit. The next text was from two more of Trista’s friends. They also wanted to stop by. I told them ok but let them know that the other two girls would be here. One of the girls still has a very hard time with the friend who was driving that day. I keep holding on to hope that someday the rift between the girls will be healed. They have broken off into two groups. The ones who forgive and the ones who can’t yet. I try to lead by example but know it’s something they will have to come to in their own time.

 

The first two girls arrived, the driver of the car and another friend. They told me that they had been to see a medium today. They said it was really amazing and they had it recorded and wanted to share it with me. We had just started listening when the other two friends showed up. Ashley, the driver, explained what they had done and invited the other two girls to listen too. We all listened. The medium brought up at one point that Tris said there was someone missing from the reading another friend who should have been there. They took it to mean Abby. She is the one that has had the hardest time with anger and forgiveness. The girls told her that they wanted to go back at some point and asked her if she would like to go with them. She said she did. They talked together more today than they have since the accident. The medium said things that were just so very Trista and things all the girls could identify. It opened the lines of communication for them to share memories and stories. I can’t help but think that Tris brought them together today. The fact that they all ended up at my house at the right time to hear her messages and begin to heal some of the anger can’t be coincidental, in my mind.

 

There was so much more that was said, so much to process. She talked about me a lot and things to share with me, things that really only could have come from my Girl.

 

One thing… Once I bought a bottle of Love’s Baby Soft perfume. It’s not what I usually wear but I liked it so I got it. Tris liked it too and ‘borrowed’ it from me… never to be seen again. She must have used it all because I never found it in her room. One day I went to her site to visit and there was a bottle of Love’s Baby Soft. I thought one of the girls must have left it because they knew Tris liked it. I took it home because it was rainy. I thought about spraying some just to have that reminder of Tris but couldn’t. I put it on a shelf and forgot about it. Yesterday I was in that room and the bottle of perfume fell and broke open. The whole first floor of my house smelled like the perfume and it did so much remind me of my Girl. I didn’t tell anyone about finding the perfume or it breaking. This just happened yesterday. Today the medium told the girls that Tris was showing her a small bottle of perfume. The girls couldn’t think of what it might mean. She told them that Tris was pretty insistent about it and that it had something to do with me. She said they should ask me about the perfume.

[ericasmom]

Jenn, your story touches deeply. I know that letting your Youngest Girl go off to college is difficult but also so lovely. All three of your Daughters are beautiful. They have built their lives from the strength and love that you have shown and given them and the love and strength that they built from losing their Sister also helped to build who they are.

I know it must be difficult in thinking of your Daughter and Husband and Grandchild moving. Life keeps changing and sometimes it is hard to not equate some of these changes as loss. I wish you goodness and a sweet sense of your Girl nearby. I remember planning our Eri-fest for the 5th anniversary. Each year is terribly hard, but those benchmark years...boy they knock the wind out of you.

 

Shannon, love the events that brought everyone under your roof, Trista's at work for sure. I love that the medium was giving information that proved a connection. Fabulous.

 

Laurie, you are a good woman. Your parents must be thanking their lucky  stars at your generosity with your time and energy. I am sorry that Aunt Lucie died. When you can, rest as you have been busily helping. I am thinking of you Laurie, hoping that you will find some peaceful endeavors this summer.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Thanks Dee, I have been drinking Carnation breakfast drinks mixed with fruit to try and maintain nutrition. I put it in a blender to make it creamier. It seems to help.

 

Shannon, in regards to your question about my mom. She does not talk about Julie a lot--- only in small bits and pieces --- I let her set the time for it and she knows I am open to listening about it.

 

Your story about the perfume from Tris...we are comforted when our loved ones send us these clear signs they are ok...the pain is still there and the ongoing mourning...but these things we need from those living in that heavenly realm...until we met again...

[Mermaid Tears]

Jenn.....you must have the patience of Job...and nerves of steel to teach your daughter how to drive....last Fall...I had to stand by and pet my daughter as she sent her first born off to U of Texas....and now....this Fall...another GRANDson is headed to LSU....and once again...I will be circling the wagons around Jesse and Heather...such an emotional time....it is one that has the celebration/heartache all in one......celebrating that they are walking into their future....heartache that the child is leaving home.....

   I remember when Randa went off to college....you raise your child to be that upright independent person....and then...when they do turn out like that....what a kick !

    Your girls and you have really gone through the worst together....and that is why you stand together in strength and love...a testament to what family love really means....

   And....please....come back to this site and 'say' or tell us anything....nothing is too small....all is important when we are on this grief journey....

 I think that is the healing part of this site.....only parents that know that rare form of grief in losing a child...can understand the journey one is on after...and the many layers and layers of mourning that one has in their life.

    As for your sister....I can see where it brings another shade of heartache to you.....for we need all the family and friends and their support as we can have on this journey.....but.....if she is turning against you and your parents.....then it is evident she has 'other issues' and with that said.....you could tap dance on water.....and it will not make any difference in how she treats you.....all of us have known 'some' like that....and we try to shine a light in every corner to try and uncover the 'reason'......and ....there is not any clear reason.....and that person really doesn't want to get things out in the open or cleared up....they create this on their own.....they get some kind of 'sick' pleasure in thinking they are causing you heartache....

it is a matter of 'control'....

   One of the hardest lessons I had to learn was to recognize people that did not 'serve me well'....(and would never)....and let them go.....and yes....I have had to do some of my family....(cousins and some friends)....but I have no regrets...

what I have seen, too.....is once that person realizes you have let them go....and can let them go..and you are no longer chasing them...they have a turn around....and come to you....with apologies....and they change on their own.

    I hope this helps you out....as I have said..it was heartbreaking for me...it was a very hard lesson for me to learn......

many on this site has told stories of family and friends deserting them in their weakest moments.

[Angel Boy of Mine]

Dee and others: They did include a memorial page in the yearbook, but did not mention his name at graduation, even though a group of seniors requested it, as well as I, and was led to believe they would do something.

 

Here is the principal's name and info:

 

Mr. Ashley Q. Giska. Principal

Delmar High School  

200 North 8th St.

Delmar, DE 19940

ashley.giska@delmar.k12.de.us

[ericasmom]

This was written the summer after Erica left Earth:

 

She Arrived

 

Once upon a sunset

when violets adn purples mingled with flamingo and peach-

and sunflower yellow was bitten by crimson-

a girl in the form of a cloud

flew through the mix of color

and her  movement swirled it to the deepest brightest pink

and caused me to realize the miracle of reaching heaven.

 

And another written that same summer:

 

If I cut my skin

and begin to bleed-

what will the droplets hold-

will my memories be embedded in my DNA?

Under a high-powered micruoscope will Eri as Angel be found- identical images in each droplet?

 

Becky, thanks for the address, I will be writing.

[ericasmom]

Thanks Laurie for taking care of YOU! I know that your Boy would insist on it.

To add to your list of upcoming angelversaries: David June 14th-2003----Sherry's Boy.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Dee,

 

Thank you for sharing those poems. The first brought tears to my eyes. So beautiful just like your beautiful Erica and I remember the story of the cloud.

 

And the second one... I had a kind of similar thought.

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee...once again thanks for sharing your poems....I do love each one....for each one speaks to all of us...in one voice or another....

 

thought of you yesterday packing up your classroom....and the farewell to the fresh faces that greeted you in the Fall...and now leaving on another step to their future....loaded with the education you taught them....

 

Thinking about that Seed of Grief that starts to grow within us.....and it can grow and expand and we need the outlet with poetry...song...writing....in our attempt to describe the pain...heartache...longing....sheer panic...the darkest kind of sorrow...that the seed blooms within.....the fruit of that seed of grief can grow bitter fruit....or wisdom fruit...or empathy fruit...but one thing for sure...it will produce a fruit....

  and that seed will produce a change....a profound change....it doesn't happen overnight...but a subtle ever turning over and over kind of tumbling kind of change....

as you have said...we have to change to make room for the loss....

 

Laurie....once again....I know you are at the right place at the right time...and I, too, am very happy that you are with your parents....you are needed.

    I was thinking...that in the same way....your grief that you did not grieve over the loss of your infant son....did not come into the light til you were deep in your grief with Jesse.....that maybe....your Mom is letting herself grieve for your sister....

   I do believe we have to 'allow ourselves' to grieve....

for as you know....we all have many around us that want us to 'stay the same'.....and move on.....I had so many to tell me...'don't change'.....I guess they feared they would lose 'Susan'....

thanks to Dee and many on this site that gave me my 'permission' to grieve as I wanted to.....

and many do not want to 'rock the boat' with others...cause them to be aware of our deep mourning...none of us want to be the 'wet blanket' .....that is why we 'cocoon'.....

  I like what you did for your sister and her 'room'....it was a 'remembering time'....a time and place for you and yours to find a sacred time to shine your love on her.....and her passing was so horrific....it must take a long time for that memory to soften....and then release it to the God/Mother/Father of the Universe....and find that mustard seed of Faith that she is in a peaceful place...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I need prayers. My Gramma was in a bad car accident. She's ok, alert, on her way to the hospital. I'm waiting for my husband to pick me up to take me to her. All I know is her foot/ankle are mangled pretty badly. The car is totaled. They are worried about internal injuries.

 

That phone call put me into a complete melt down.

I'm trying to hold it together for the boys but I can't breathe.

[Mermaid Tears]

Becky....I, too, will write a letter....and tell him what Brenham High School did for the classmate that died in the 8th grade...

....that family knew that we were 'with them'...and their girl was not forgotten.

[tobyfreefoot]

betsy~My son, The Music in my Heart has stayed with me since the moment i read it.  i'm sure rich stays in many peoples thoughts.  recently marshall my youngest who doesn't share his feelings about forest much said "mom you know how you are always afraid people would forget forest?  just thought you'd like to know i was playing video games with a house full of people and someone recalled a dream they had about forest."  he said next thing he knew there was an entire corner filled with people sharing current dreams about him and laughing remembering his antics.  just thought you also would like to know because the same is surely happening for rich and all our kids.  if we were flies on the wall i'm beginning to think more people talk about them than we think.  this is a special bunch of kids.

 

jenn~your girls are all so beautiful.

 

shannon~please let us know right away how your gramma is.  i can so feel the panic you must be trying to squelch

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I need prayers. My Gramma was in a bad car accident. She's ok, alert, on her way to the hospital. I'm waiting for my husband to pick me up to take me to her. All I know is her foot/ankle are mangled pretty badly. The car is totaled. They are worried about internal injuries.

 

That phone call put me into a complete melt down.

I'm trying to hold it together for the boys but I can't breathe.

 

Shannon, will be sending out a prayer for your Gramma...and for you and your family...and I will light another candle for her right now.

 

Many HUGS to you....let us know.

 

Laurie

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....I know all will be praying...and wishing the same as I....

wish I lived 'right down the road' from you....

so we could be there with you....

we are there in unison with unceasing prayers..care...and thought....

[ericasmom]

Shannon, breathe, you will take care of it as you can, as best you can. It is okay if the boys see you in melt-down, it is the reality in our lives and they will see you when the melt down is over and understand that we have to let our anxiety loose. I am praying double time for Gramma, that she is not badly hurt and that she recovers completely. Deep thoughts to you and the family, all else right now is not important.

 

Gretchen, so good to see you. I do so agree, our kids are thought of and included in dreams and both day adn night, and remembered by someone every day. Every day. I am so glad that Marshall was able to let you know.

 

Susan, when those seeds take root, no telling what we may produce in our lives, we find out through as we roll along. Sometimes a smooth roll, sometimes not.

 

My hubby came to school with me today to finish the cleaning and packing. He is an amazing packer, used to have a furniture store and so had to pack his van to deliver items all the time, he has that visual/perception thing that I was born without. Anyhow, we are done and it does feel nice.